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» S01E12 — My Blind Date
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Season 1, Episode 12 — My Blind Date
Hey!
#1
⇓
What? I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything.
#2
⇓
What imaginary slight have you concocted in that paranoid little brain of yours?
#3
⇓
Crap.
#4
⇓
Shouldn't there be some sort of sign...
#5
⇓
Oh.
#6
⇓
Look at that.
#7
⇓
You should put it back down before someone slips and falls.
#8
⇓
Is that what I should do? Good, because I make most of my decisions based on your opinion.
#9
⇓
I'm thinking of splitting up with the wife.
#10
⇓
Maybe you could mull that over. Get back to me. We can powwow.
#11
⇓
Ah!
#12
⇓
Floor's wet, ma'am.
#13
⇓
Little help over here.
#14
⇓
Little help.
#15
⇓
Move it or lose it, Q-tip.
#16
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[laughing] Q-tip.
#17
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'Cause you're skinny and your head's fuzzy.
#18
⇓
Something's going down.
#19
⇓
All right. Bring it in here, you knuckleheads.
#20
⇓
Take a knee if you need to, you "confoundits."
#21
⇓
I have been on since midnight, so I stand here
#22
⇓
with my usual level of contempt for all of you,
#23
⇓
but with the added wrinkle of having 13 cups
#24
⇓
of Nurse Roberts' piss-poor excuse for coffee passing straight through me.
#25
⇓
The not-so-hidden message being, of course,
#26
⇓
that if you screw up today, ha, I'm going to hit you hard, ha, I'm going to hit you fast.
#27
⇓
Now, then...
#28
⇓
I think some of you may have noticed
#29
⇓
that all 27 of the patients that were here in the ICU
#30
⇓
when I started last night... are still alive,
#31
⇓
and I damn sure intend for them to still be breathing
#32
⇓
when I get the hell outta here tonight at midnight.
#33
⇓
I think you understand
#34
⇓
what kind of opportunity we have in front of us.
#35
⇓
What opportunity...
#36
⇓
- Shh! - Shut up!
#37
⇓
See, in baseball, when a pitcher's hot,
#38
⇓
no one talks to him, no one looks at him, just stay out of his way.
#39
⇓
Why are you talking about baseball?
#40
⇓
Because you should never, ever jinx a pitcher
#41
⇓
when he has a chance to throw a perfect game.
#42
⇓
My God, Barbie,
#43
⇓
how do you put your bra and panties on in the morning
#44
⇓
all by yourself?
#45
⇓
It's remarkable.
#46
⇓
See, 'cause he's the pitcher...
#47
⇓
Yeah, I get it now.
#48
⇓
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#51
⇓
Which is why I don't mind
#55
⇓
Dr. Dorian...
#60
⇓
Listen, I know you're busy, but my daughter's selling cookies.
#61
⇓
Put me down for two boxes of those mint thingies.
#62
⇓
She's in second place in her troop.
#63
⇓
Of course, if that girl who's in first keeps doing well,
#64
⇓
we're just gonna take her.
#65
⇓
[both laughing maniacally]
#66
⇓
[laughter continues]
#67
⇓
What did you think you were gonna to do? Cash it in?
#68
⇓
In your face. You're fine, thank you.
#69
⇓
Barbie.
#70
⇓
Whatever you need, Dr. Cox, I'm your girl.
#71
⇓
Peachy. Get to the pharmacy and get me 30 grams of Kayexalate.
#72
⇓
Don't dilly-dally trying to refill your Prozac.
#73
⇓
You're on my time now. Go, go, go.
#74
⇓
- Nervous guy. - Yes, sir?
#75
⇓
Go to bed 18 and get me his tox screen.
#76
⇓
Cross your fingers that the news is good. If it's not, I'm blaming you.
#77
⇓
And, newbie, start a drain on the purulent pericarditis in bed 23.
#78
⇓
Now, that's our tricky bastard. He's tried to die five times on me today. Keep an eye on him.
#79
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I'm your wingman, Maverick.
#80
⇓
I was watching, uh, Top Gun.
#81
⇓
Did you know that Goose is actually the guy from ER?
#82
⇓
No, I didn't. But-But please, keep talking.
#83
⇓
What are you doing? When the lunch lady asked you
#87
⇓
if you wanted fries, you said no.
#88
⇓
Yeah, but I wanted French fries.
#89
⇓
So why didn't you order fries?
#90
⇓
'Cause I can't have French fries. Duh.
#91
⇓
Here. Have 'em all. Have a fry salad.
#92
⇓
What the? Turk?
#93
⇓
Baby, come on.
#94
⇓
Girlfriend, you know I cannot have French fries.
#95
⇓
Dr. Dorian, I need a favor.
#96
⇓
Actually, sir, I'm crazy busy today.
#97
⇓
Well, that's just fine then, kiddo.
#98
⇓
I'm not going to be able to make the board meeting.
#99
⇓
I'm going to be tied up all afternoon at Dr. Dorian's pity party.
#100
⇓
Should I bring something? Maybe I could rent you a clown.
#101
⇓
A drunk clown hurt me once.
#102
⇓
Just listen to the damn lawyer. Go, Tom.
#103
⇓
Uh, it's Ted. But hey, it's only been 12 years.
#104
⇓
This morning, one of the social workers
#105
⇓
that covers this hospital slipped
#106
⇓
and knocked herself unconscious.
#107
⇓
We're concerned she might turn around and sue us.
#108
⇓
If that happens, some of the higher-ups' heads could roll.
#109
⇓
The point is that people are less likely to sue
#110
⇓
an institution if we can put a friendly face on it.
#111
⇓
You've got a friendly face.
#112
⇓
But, sir, I...
#113
⇓
Sacred Heart is calling for your help, sport.
#114
⇓
Will you accept the call?
#115
⇓
[ringing sound]
#116
⇓
Oh, uh... [ringing sound]
#117
⇓
By the way, this is a special phone.
#118
⇓
If you don't answer it, you get to be the intern
#119
⇓
who does the physicals over at the state prison!
#120
⇓
Hello?
#121
⇓
How are you? I'm Dr. Dorian.
#122
⇓
Alex Hanson.
#123
⇓
Nice to meet you.
#124
⇓
Ooh! Firm handshake. I like that.
#125
⇓
- Hello. - [beeping]
#126
⇓
Mr. Davis, I haven't seen you in three months.
#127
⇓
It's gotta be a personal record for you.
#128
⇓
By all means, ignore the dislocated shoulder and let's make small talk.
#129
⇓
This ought to help with the pain.
#130
⇓
So... what'd you do?
#131
⇓
Oh, some, ow, some random woman just pushed me off the bus.
#132
⇓
It was totally unprovoked.
#133
⇓
Mr. Davis.
#134
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I may have told her that she smelled like wet ass.
#135
⇓
There you go. Be proud of who you are.
#136
⇓
You wear too much mascara.
#137
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You be careful now.
#138
⇓
- [Turk] Hey. - What are you doing here?
#139
⇓
Covering for a buddy in ortho...
#140
⇓
Whatever. 36-year-old male, possible dislocated shoulder.
#141
⇓
Great.
#142
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So, how are you doing?
#143
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Well, it just got so cold in here.
#144
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I think the swelling may have gone down.
#145
⇓
Burr... Ow!
#146
⇓
Yeah, I hope that hurts.
#147
⇓
Oh, no. No, no, no...
#148
⇓
Is this the tox screen? Oh, Dougie,
#149
⇓
- this does not bode well. - I know.
#150
⇓
Second chance. Get the results of Mr. Chervin's urinalysis.
#151
⇓
But if the numbers aren't good, I'm gonna take one of your kidneys and give it to him.
#152
⇓
Ten bucks says I can make that kid wet himself before the day is over.
#153
⇓
Oh, everybody's afraid of Mr. Man.
#154
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- Laverne, you give good sass. - Dr. Cox!
#155
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I got the Kayexalate and I pulled all the X-rays,
#156
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so I am yours for the night. Do whatever you want with me.
#157
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Oh, my God, um, that totally came out wrong. I meant that
#158
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I want you to use me, and I don't care how degrading it is.
#159
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- What? - No, no...
#160
⇓
I know that you like torturing people,
#161
⇓
and I am totally up for that.
#162
⇓
- I just wanna make you happy. - Marshmallow, hush.
#163
⇓
This guy needs a lumbar puncture, and I need an extra set of hands. Get over here.
#164
⇓
Ready and rearing.
#165
⇓
Not you. Ginger, get the lead out.
#166
⇓
- [whistles] Come on! - Excuse me.
#167
⇓
It puts the lotion on the skin.
#168
⇓
You can do movies and I can't?
#169
⇓
It puts the damn iodine lotion on the skin. Give me a break.
#170
⇓
Mr. Man!
#171
⇓
Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology.
#172
⇓
Obviously, I was unclear when I said,
#173
⇓
"Stay in the MRI room with that patient."
#174
⇓
It must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things."
#175
⇓
- I've been... - Let me rephrase it
#176
⇓
so there'll be no more confusion:
#177
⇓
Get your ass back down there!
#178
⇓
You have no idea how loud that is in here!
#179
⇓
Oh, I'm sorry. The good news is you'll be done in a second.
#180
⇓
[clanking]
#181
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- Was that a good sound? - [man] What'd you do?
#182
⇓
- Not that good a sound. - Oh, my God! Is it stuck?
#183
⇓
"Stuck" is such a literal term. It's more like "not moving."
#184
⇓
Pull me the hell outta here!
#185
⇓
I can't. You were knocked unconscious. You could have a serious head injury.
#186
⇓
Just be glad you're not claustrophobic.
#187
⇓
- Ah! - Ah!
#188
⇓
- Promise you won't leave me. - I promise.
#189
⇓
[beeping]
#190
⇓
Dr. Cox must have my pager on speed dial.
#191
⇓
He's completely on top of me today.
#192
⇓
Do you know how much I wish Dr. Cox was on top of me?
#193
⇓
That's naughty.
#194
⇓
You make me so mad, I might actually scream.
#195
⇓
Every day you bitch and bitch about how hard Dr. Cox is on you,
#196
⇓
and you don't even realize that you're his go-to guy.
#197
⇓
Come on, you're overreacting a little...
#198
⇓
What has he had you do today? Hmm?
#199
⇓
Um, he had me intubate and extubate Mrs. Pollard,
#200
⇓
float a Swan on Mr. Kalka, and then do two thoracenteses,
#201
⇓
a paracentesis, a radial art line,
#202
⇓
then place a transvenous pacemaker for a heart block.
#203
⇓
- Why? What did you do? - Oh, uh...
#204
⇓
Cream, no sugar.
#205
⇓
Oof!
#206
⇓
He takes his sugar, no cream.
#207
⇓
My arm is breaking! My arm is breaking! Please!
#208
⇓
Okay, okay. It's not going in.
#209
⇓
Really? Why don't we try kicking it?
#210
⇓
I'm gonna go talk to one of our orthopedics.
#211
⇓
Hurry back.
#212
⇓
God, that guy is the worst.
#213
⇓
Oh, be nice. He's my boyfriend.
#214
⇓
[snorts] Not for long.
#215
⇓
Excuse me?
#216
⇓
Please. He's been dying to run outta here since he came in.
#217
⇓
Oh, he did not "run" out of here.
#218
⇓
You're right. He wasn't running.
#219
⇓
He was fleeing like he was being chased by a swarm of killer bees.
#220
⇓
Okay... He said just keep pulling.
#221
⇓
Oh, well, goody.
#222
⇓
Does this big metal contraption make me look fat?
#223
⇓
More chunky than fat.
#224
⇓
- [buzzing] - J.D.?
#225
⇓
It's all right. I'm right here. I'm right here.
#226
⇓
[buzzing]
#227
⇓
You're such a nice guy.
#228
⇓
Whoa, it really feels like
#229
⇓
I wonder what she looks like.
#231
⇓
Why am I always in your fantasies?
#232
⇓
You got a problem, man.
#233
⇓
Why are you squeezing all my fingers?
#234
⇓
I'll tell you what I'm not doing.
#235
⇓
I'm not checking for a wedding ring.
#236
⇓
I am so in.
#237
⇓
[beeping]
#238
⇓
I'm right back out.
#239
⇓
I'm sorry about lunch today. I guess I'm a little overtired.
#240
⇓
Oh, that's okay, sweetie.
#241
⇓
When we get home, we can just go right to bed.
#242
⇓
Yeah, that's the thing. I'm a little beat,
#243
⇓
so it might be better if you crash at your place tonight.
#244
⇓
Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz.
#245
⇓
It's a private joke.
#246
⇓
- What now? - Watch the attitude, Gidget,
#247
⇓
or I won't let you go to the bonfire with the other beach bunnies.
#248
⇓
Now, I wanna make sure...
#249
⇓
- ...just unbelievable. - Sir, it's Dr. Kelso.
#253
⇓
He's making me baby-sit this patient.
#254
⇓
Newbie, it's the bottom of the ninth.
#255
⇓
If you're not gonna be my catcher, just exactly who is?
#256
⇓
[baseball organ music]
#257
⇓
Oh, no.
#258
⇓
- What? - [umpire] Play ball!
#259
⇓
[crowd cheering]
#260
⇓
Come on, baby. Right here. Bring it in.
#261
⇓
Look, Dr. Cox, you can trust me to help you.
#262
⇓
For gosh sakes, I was top five in my class.
#263
⇓
[makes buzzer sound] That's the noise I make when somebody lies to me.
#264
⇓
Okay, I was eighth, but I'll get us this perfect...
#265
⇓
- Don't say it! - Perfect game.
#266
⇓
What part of "don't say it" did you not understand?
#267
⇓
Was it the "don't" or was it the "say it"?
#268
⇓
Help me to help you, Barbie. Help me to help you.
#269
⇓
Help me to help you. Help me to help you.
#270
⇓
I, um, should get to work.
#271
⇓
That would be lovely.
#272
⇓
- Mm-hmm. - Wow.
#273
⇓
- Hey, Elliot, do... - No time!
#274
⇓
Hey, do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
#276
⇓
He's okay.
#277
⇓
I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
#278
⇓
Young man, I've been married for over three decades.
#279
⇓
I would've gone there, though. Hell yes, I would've.
#280
⇓
Who cares? No one will ever love you.
#281
⇓
I don't find her pretty, but since my wife left,
#282
⇓
when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.
#283
⇓
- I know something's wrong. - Nothing's wrong.
#284
⇓
You always say "nothing's wrong," then you sulk, then you tell me.
#285
⇓
We haven't known each other long enough for me to "always" be doing anything.
#286
⇓
You're always hurting me.
#287
⇓
So now you're getting defensive?
#288
⇓
Woman, I am not defensive.
#289
⇓
Yeah, you are, a little bit.
#290
⇓
Turk, we're stuck here. Why don't you just
#291
⇓
take a deep breath and tell me what's wrong?
#292
⇓
- [crunching] - Ow! That did it.
#293
⇓
Well, I guess we're done here.
#294
⇓
Barbie, plates are wobbling everywhere.
#295
⇓
His H and H dropped three grams. I'm starting pressors.
#296
⇓
- Or you could transfuse him. - Okay.
#297
⇓
- Transfusions are riskier. - My first instinct was to do pressors.
#298
⇓
You know what they say about first instincts.
#299
⇓
Stick with them. Shouldn't you?
#300
⇓
- Should you? - Should I?
#301
⇓
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