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Home » Scrubs » S01E13 — My Balancing Act

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 13 — My Balancing Act

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Scrubs
Episode title: My Balancing Act
Air date: January 15, 2002
Director: Michael Spiller
Top billed cast: Zach Braff, Donald Faison, John C. McGinley, Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Ken Jenkins
J.D. is frustrated when his budding romance is constantly interrupted by emergency calls. Dr. Cox informs the interns how to avoid Dr. Kelso's bite. Carla and Turk deal with their first sexual intimacy complication.
Source: TMDB
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without ever seeing her face.
faceseeing
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be sure to play it cool.
cool
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Yes! Yes!
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Yes! You are hot! Smokin' hot!
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In your face! Woo-hoo-hoo!
face
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Had our first dinner.
dinner
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Rented our first movie.
movierented
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Took our first long drive.
drive
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- Look out! - [tires screeching]
screechingtirestires-screeching
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Killed our first raccoon.
killedraccoon
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[beeping]
beeping
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No!
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Oh, it's Cox. He wants me back at the hospital.
hospitalwants
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- But the page is addressed to Lillian. - Yup, that's me.
addressedlillianpage
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What a drag.
drag
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♪ I'm no Superman ♪
superman
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Here's the deal. I have been coerced
deal
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by the forces of evil into conducting rounds this morning.
conductingevilforcesmorningrounds
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Why do you have to do rounds?
rounds
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Because I'm sleepy. How's that?
sleepy
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In order to make this a more palatable experience for moi,
experienceorder
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I am not going to call you by your names.
names
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Instead, I'll be referring to you by
referring
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whatever distinguishing physical characteristic occurs to me first.
occursphysical
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Okay, you, Chicken Beak.
beakchicken
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What causes pneumonia presenting with diarrhea?
causesdiarrheapneumoniapresenting
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- Legionella. - Nice job.
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It turns out your mind's just as sharp as your nose. Woo!
mindsnosesharpturns
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And you, Dye Job...
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What are the elements of Whipple's triad?
elements
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Uh...
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[grunts]
grunts
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I can't remember. I am so sorry.
remember
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Sorry? What in the hell are you sorry about?
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Dr. Kelso always yells at us when we don't know...
kelsoyells
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Oh, children,
children
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you can't let that bloated bag of hate affect you like that.
affecthate
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And besides, being a doctor is as much about
besidesdoctor
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finding the answers as it is about knowing them.
answersfindingknowing
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For instance, take Clarabelle's patient here, Mr. Yeager.
instancepatientyeager
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We have no idea what in the hell's wrong with him.
hellsidea
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So we have run tests for everything
tests
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from meningitis to intracranial mass,
mass
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and according to these results...
accordingresults
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Oh. Everything seems to have come back negative.
negativeseems
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Which doesn't necessarily mean that Clarabelle is a failure.
failurenecessarily
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It doesn't. It just means that she's got to keep trying,
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no matter how frustrated she just might get.
frustratedmattermight
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Now, of course, if you are lazy and incompetent,
courseincompetentlazy
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then, yes, that will buy you a one-way ticket out of here.
ticket
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- Doug. - [whimpers]
dougwhimpers
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Mm-hmm. Listen carefully. Kelso can't do a damn thing
carefullykelso
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to you if you just answer a question wrong.
answerquestion
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It doesn't work that way. Moving on.
moving
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Not you. You still have work to do.
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- Johnny No-Tan? - Yes, sir!
johnny
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I'd like you to present the next patient to me.
patientpresent
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- I love you. - Hmm.
love
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c2c1fb97-dfec-45fb-8dd8-22c4bb255074.gif
Now say it in Spanish.
spanish
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Te amo.
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Now... say it like Astro.
astro
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I ruv roo.
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You are very, very cute.
cute
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I know. You know,
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- I've been thinking about this whole "I love you" thing. - Mm-hmm?
lovethinkingwhole
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It's gonna make everything so much better.
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I mean, we're so in sync. Better conversation...
conversationsync
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...better dancing...
dancing
↓
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And?
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Way better shrumpdown.
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Oh.
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Yeah!
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[giggling]
giggling
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[music slows down, needle scratches]
musicneedlescratchesslows
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I'm so sorry.
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That has never happened to me before.
happened
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Oh, man, she's beautiful.
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I am that piece of bacon.
baconpiece
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That's right.
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You mind not staring at me while I'm eating?
eatingmindstaring
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I hate it.
hate
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- But I'm not. I was... - What am I doing right now?
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- Eating. - What are you doing?
eating
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Staring.
staring
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Okay.
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There. Now no one gets to eat it.
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- You happy? - Not really.
happy
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[Alex] Hey, you.
alex
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Hi.
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- You know what's great about you working in the hospital? - Hmm?
hospitalworking
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Even when our dates get interrupted,
datesinterrupted
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we can just have a date here.
date
↓
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Like, let's say for instance, you wanted to watch a movie.
instancemoviewantedwatch
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We could just go to the conference room and watch that video on STDs.
conferenceconference-roomroomvideowatch
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It's funny and it makes you think.
funnymakes
↓
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Look, maybe it would be good if we actually had a date that...
date
↓
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...ends.
ends
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Well, how does a date with you end?
date
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It can range from a kiss at the door
doorkissrange
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to "all I have for breakfast is yogurt and I'm out of bowls,
bowlsbreakfastyogurt
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so you'll have to eat off my stomach."
stomach
↓
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[gulps] Tonight. Dinner. Hyde's.
dinnergulpstonight
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It's a date.
date
↓
93367dd5-dcab-47d5-92cb-ae4af1a624fb.gif
[chuckling, growling]
chucklinggrowling
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64fce2e2-4e4f-49dd-91a9-5bafb072e304.gif
Judging from the ataxia dysarthria and mental status change,
changejudgingmentalstatus
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I've concluded that Mr. Yeager is suffering from... kuru.
concludedsufferingyeager
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c49a20d7-7c86-47c4-9469-3190ff1c0a0b.gif
- Kuru? - Kuru.
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- Kuru? - Yes, kuru.
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- Wow. I'd actually never thought of that. - Hell, yeah.
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Were you aware that the only documented cases of kuru were
awarecasesdocumented
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members of a cannibalistic tribe in eastern Papua New Guinea?
easternguineamemberstribe
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I was not.
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Actually, doc, I was in New Guinea just last week.
guineaweek
↓
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- Really? - No.
↓
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Newbie, do you happen to know what a zebra is?
happennewbiezebra
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That patient just mocked me.
mockedpatient
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It's a diagnosis of a ridiculously obscure disease
diagnosisdiseaseobscureridiculously
↓
cd30c9ae-dc0d-4989-b9ac-e9160cd63190.gif
when it's much more likely that the patient has a common illness
commonillnesslikelypatient
↓
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presenting with uncommon symptoms.
presentingsymptomsuncommon
↓
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In other words, if you hear hoof beats,
beatswords
↓
a28485ab-4a9a-4a5b-b9dd-f4f33415a1d7.gif
you just go ahead and think horsies, not zebras.
aheadgo-aheadhorsies
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Mm-kay, Mr. Silly Bear?
bearsilly
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[speaking Spanish]
spanishspeakingspeaking-spanish
↓
d25954b9-41c5-4e4f-bb9e-c7b3fbbcc909.gif
What's wrong?
↓
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It's personal.
personal
↓
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Why won't you ever open up to me? I came to you
open
↓
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when I thought I had a broken tailbone and it was just a really bad pimple.
broken
↓
1ac60d50-2d0a-4ff0-b3f0-8e3c20f75580.gif
It's a sex thing. Okay?
↓
0cedeb3b-ea45-4ecc-8824-08ae1b7e707e.gif
You mean like a gender issue or like intercourse?
genderissue
↓
a2dee54c-d9be-4e32-adb4-c11841702ca7.gif
Because I'm book-smart on both.
booksmart
↓
e7e54e32-94f0-44f7-ad6d-d9bf158a7be0.gif
Carla?
carla
↓
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[sighs] Use me.
sighs
↓
a86724a7-d302-453a-a379-b9b007d711b3.gif
So, last night, when I was with Carla...
carlanight
↓
af3ceaff-0aec-4cfb-850e-07869cfac48c.gif
Dude, I am sorry. I can't talk.
↓
5e2259ed-07f8-48b5-bc57-50e6ab2fb758.gif
I really gotta figure this Mr. Yeager thing out.
figureyeager
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707156fe-cc2e-4e86-b864-18b2f8e66fe2.gif
Cool.
cool
↓
99360818-2c1b-486f-b0b0-3dd043401dbb.gif
- Cool. - Okay.
cool
↓
5ef88645-903b-4064-ae45-b8d1113b9660.gif
Let's just say my horse didn't finish the race.
finishhorserace
↓
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I'm at the filling station, but my credit card gets declined.
cardcreditcredit-carddeclinedfillingstation
↓
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- I'm on the jet ski... - I got it!
↓
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Good. I had no idea what I was gonna say...
idea
↓
3bd89045-b462-4fa1-b131-37e0c4d54476.gif
No, no, no. Mr. Yeager.
yeager
↓
e099f64f-7390-44f5-a678-3c1693722651.gif
Hey, man, where you go...? Who am I going to talk to about sex?
↓
fe47a8cf-cea3-4ed2-b634-5b70be5e5ad6.gif
Let's get our talk on.
↓
98b31e08-d5b0-4f7a-ab47-d2df3e696cc4.gif
Player to player.
player
↓
0b6f44e1-5f0e-4944-a25b-4dcde4f8ab62.gif
This patient is hypoglycemic.
patient
↓
73ef09a7-ff42-4ff8-8b6b-9ab00022278f.gif
What would be the most telling sign of an insulinoma, Dr. Reid?
reidsigntelling
↓
39489cc6-c67f-4739-b38a-9f4c0eb98f80.gif
Uh, elevated C-peptide levels.
elevatedlevels
↓
129b34b7-13f7-403e-a6a9-0ab5605281b5.gif
Score! But before you do your crazy end-zone dance,
crazydancescorezone
↓
dcc720a4-aeb6-4099-bbda-f2f581acff26.gif
can you tell me the spinal fluid findings in Guillaume-Barré syndrome?
fluidspinalsyndrome
↓
ca3b402e-f4d8-4f95-9444-cecd9185c65a.gif
- Uh, xanthochromia? - Wrong!
↓
40df6a6a-1c3a-495d-916c-d02e35cee570.gif
And then it happened.
happened
↓
ae5acecf-e7dd-47b9-acf6-da6db1c65900.gif
Dr. Reid, what do you have to say for yourself?
reid
↓
5f0bcf24-3fa0-415c-ad68-3fe842f97629.gif
Win some, lose some.
lose
↓
4ac3522a-cdeb-43ab-9a4e-38407179e709.gif
Booga! Booga! Booga! Booga!
↓
656937cd-c1cc-489a-b62e-027c349ce349.gif
Not anymore.
anymore
↓
9b472512-f4f0-4634-9f20-f0202fc98b1f.gif
All right, welcome to the ICU!
welcome
↓
bae64a42-7578-4778-970d-de783c004755.gif
No, really, sit down. All right.
↓
1afc0572-125c-4eae-9a7f-412a25f624b6.gif
It's a cookbook for women that don't know how. I put the Yellow Pages in there.
pageswomenyellow
↓
0edbe051-a877-419c-b47b-cc36f4739be3.gif
What do you want? Mexican? Italian? Japanese?
italianjapanesemexican
↓
71e50c93-c340-4478-bbc6-4802c41dc03c.gif
American cuisine? It's a cook...
americancook
↓
4504c670-0403-44b3-8a3b-096fca51cb70.gif
Whew, I'm flat-linin'. Beep!
beepflatwhew
↓
33736dfa-a13e-4fbe-be66-9043a6438582.gif
[grunting]
grunting
↓
a03846e4-1f9a-4be5-8523-ce7b73bd296e.gif
Save him!
save
↓
567841a1-16dc-4643-9a83-19b2f93306b8.gif
Tip your nurses.
nurses
↓
5cf9b478-38e5-4eca-b14c-a87838a2cc5e.gif
[circus music]
circusmusic
↓
c8308a3b-d5bd-4467-9427-87cbc6777edc.gif
Cox.
↓
2b223550-598b-43b6-9446-bd027587bec9.gif
♪ Talk to me ♪
↓
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♪ Talk to me ♪
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You know, that's really getting annoying.
annoying
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In fact, every time you say it,
fact
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it makes me not want to talk to you all the more.
makes
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♪ Talk to me ♪
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All right, fine!
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Last night, Turk and I were...
nightnight-turkturk
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...you know, messin' around...
messin
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It's really hot, like always.
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Well, hot like how? Describe it.
describe
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Dude!
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So, suddenly, things aren't happening. You know what I mean?
suddenly
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I don't understand it. The only change is that we said "I love you" to each other.
changelove
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Okay, it's true.
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I have never said "I love you" to a woman before.
lovewoman
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Then how do you get them to sleep with you?
sleep
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It's three little words. It shouldn't have this effect, right?
effectthreewords
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Anyway, I told him it wasn't his fault.
fault
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These things happen occasionally.
happenoccasionally
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Try "constantly."
constantly
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Um, well, I have cold hands, and...
coldhands
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So when I saw you in the hall this morning
hallmorning
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and I said "How's your penis?"
penis
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and you didn't wanna talk about it...
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Dude.
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- It's not me. - It's me.
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Last night, for the first time ever in our relationship,
nightrelationship
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no matter how long we tried,
mattertried
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I was unable to have an...
unable
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Uh...
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- Uh... - Oh!
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- Yeah. - Oh...
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Dr. Cox, I got the sed rate back on Mr. Yeager. Say "how do" to that.
rateyeager
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Alrighty, but then I'm due back at the hootenanny.
alrighty
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I noticed he had a rash.
noticedrash
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Then I realized he's been having jaw claudication,
havingrealized
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- which led me to... - Temporal arteritis.
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Of course it is. Nurse, will you start Mr. Yeager
coursenursestartyeager
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on high-dose solumedrol and get the surgery resident?
doseresidentsurgery
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He needs a temporal artery biopsy stat.
arterybiopsyneedsstat
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Newbie, I'm certain I can handle this.
certainhandlenewbie
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- You're off, aren't you? - Whatever. I'm with you.
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Fair enough. Let's go treat the patient.
fairpatienttreat
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Hell, yeah.
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Please be here. Come on, Alex.
alex
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You gotta be kidding me.
kidding
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There's a waste of a gift certificate.
certificategiftwaste
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Cancel the cobbler!
cancelcobbler
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She's not having an orgasm.
havingorgasm
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Still not seeing what the problem is.
problemseeing
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I, um...
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I've never even had an orgasm.
orgasm
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Mmm.
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Oh, I'm sorry. I should be more surprised.
surprised
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That... That'd be nice.
thatd
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I want to talk to you about rounds.
rounds
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Here we go, Bobby. Bring it on.
bobbybring
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They're all yours.
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You will be leading them from now on.
leading
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You've stunned me, but you haven't dropped me to the mat.
droppedstunned
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Kinda waiting for the roundhouse here. The old haymaker, when...
kindaroundhousewaiting
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When the yelling starts and the voice gets high-pitched.
pitchedstartsvoiceyelling
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"Daddy, I've been bad. Daddy, I've been a bad boy.
daddy
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Oh, Daddy! Oh, Daddy! Daddy, I've been bad."
daddy
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Ah, come on. If you're not gonna play, this is no fun.
fun
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Hey, uh, Alex, I am so sorry.
alex
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I went to the restaurant. I guess I just missed you.
missedrestaurant
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Then I called, but there was no answer,
answercalled
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and then I actually stopped by, and...
stopped
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I guess you didn't see me which was odd,
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'cause I was standing next to the pizza guy while you were paying him.
payingpizzastanding
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But, I, uh...
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We're still... cool, right?
cool
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Look, J.D., uh...
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"Look, J.D., we're still great." Right?
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I... I think you're a really good guy. Okay? But...
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Alex dumped me.
alexdumped
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Ah, the blind girl you've been dating?
blinddatinggirl
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- She's not blind. - Of course she's not.
blindcourse
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Okay, newbie, how'd you drop the ball? Don't tell me you cried,
ballcrieddrophowdnewbie
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or I'll have you banned from the men's room again.
bannedmensmens-roomroom
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I was just so excited what we were doing here last night, I just forgot about our date.
dateexcitedforgotnight
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I saw you.
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I just naturally assumed
assumednaturally