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Home » Scrubs » S01E11 — My Own Personal Jesus

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 11 — My Own Personal Jesus

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Scrubs
Episode title: My Own Personal Jesus
Air date: December 11, 2001
Director: Jeff Melman
Top billed cast: Zach Braff, Donald Faison, John C. McGinley, Sarah Chalke, Judy Reyes, Ken Jenkins
It's Christmas, and Dr. Cox has J.D. videotape the birth of the child of one of his friends.
Source: TMDB
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[J.D.] Ah, Christmas Eve.
christmas
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Are you aware that you're in everyone's way?
awareeveryones
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Everyone's way?
everyones
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Or your way? Think about it.
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Think about it, huh? I'll think about it.
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- Carla, what time is it? - I don't know
carla
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but I'm guessing it's about 9.15ish.
guessing
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Oh, this thing!
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- Who put this up? - [Janitor] I did.
janitor
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I drove round the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift,
citydroveroundshiftwholewhole-city
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just looking for that.
looking
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Trying to add a little cheer.
cheer
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You will not ruin my Christmas.
christmasruin
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Not again.
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Not this year.
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I've only worked here for three months.
monthsthreethree-monthsworked
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I understand that you took a cab all the way here.
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But I can't give you Vicodin because your teeth are itchy.
itchyteethvicodin
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Dr. Kelso?
kelso
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You know, I don't want to sound insensitive,
insensitivesoundsound-insensitive
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but why don't these people have any money?
money
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I don't know, sir, they probably waste it all on food.
foodwaste
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Dr. Kelso, I need you to precept a patient.
kelsopatient
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19-year-old with abdominal pain. Turns out she's about eight months pregnant.
abdominalabdominal-paineighteight-monthsmonthsmonths-pregnantpainpregnantturns
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I'll let the family practice people handle it.
familyhandlepractice
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That's a wonderful idea, except I heard your smart-aleck remark
exceptheardideasmart
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so why don't you just keep your little pregnant girl?
girlpregnant
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It'll be good practice for you as you'll probably end up in a female specialty anyway.
femaleitllpracticespecialty
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Oh, what do you mean by that? I'm internal medicine.
internalmedicine
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Well, of course you are.
course
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But numbers don't lie and most women end up in OB-GYN, family practice or pediatrics.
familynumberspediatricspracticewomen
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It's like a riptide, sweetheart, pulling and pulling,
pullingsweetheart
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and you can swim against the current all you want.
currentswim
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But when Mr. Stork comes a-calling,
callingcomes
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you're not gonna be thinking, "I'm internal medicine."
internalmedicinethinking
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It's gonna be, "Ohhh! Look at the baby!"
babyohhh
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Sir, I have to say, I'm offended.
offended
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Oh, no. Now I have to go buy flowers to make it right.
flowers
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♪ I'm no Superman ♪
superman
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Newbie, stay.
newbie
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Oh, what a good boy you are.
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Dear God, Judy, how much product do you use?
dearjudyproduct
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None. It's like this when I wake up.
wake
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Yeah, quick tip, there, sports star.
quicksportsstar
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When you're defensive about your feminine side,
defensivefeminineside
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it just makes you seem more girly.
girlymakes
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- You want something? - Easy.
easy
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Nobody likes a cranky punching bag.
crankylikesnobodynobody-likespunching
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And yes, it's about a patient. Pretty good friend of mine.
friendpatient
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Huh!
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Randy, Jackie, what do you say?
jackierandy
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This is the monkey I got to videotape the birth.
birthmonkeyvideotape
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I hate him.
hate
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['50s rock'n'roll piano]
piano
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Hey, everybody!
everybody
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Heyyy.
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I'm sorry, it's been two weeks,
weeks
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and your son shows no neurological improvement.
improvementshows
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[groan]
groan
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It was a miracle! First of all, the man was damn near dead.
deadmiraclenear
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- Then he comes out. - You're ridiculous.
comesridiculous
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I'm telling you it was a miracle.
miracletelling
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- It was not a miracle. - Yes, it was. Dude...
miracle
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I kind of envy Turk.
envyturk
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So you think God was responsible for his recovery?
recoveryresponsible
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- Uh-huh. - That's fine.
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We all have our beliefs.
beliefs
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I carry around this tiny little Monopoly piece for good luck.
carryluckpiecetiny
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Did you just compare my Lord and Savior to a tiny top hat?
comparelordsaviortiny
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He did, I heard him, baby. Go get him.
babyheard
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Excuse me, Nurse Teresa.
excusenurse
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Have you ever read the Bible?
bibleread
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I started it.
started
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Then I skipped to the end and it ruined it for me.
ruinedskipped
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That's it. Both of you to the window.
window
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- Let's go. Right now. - [Carla] I'm going.
carla
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[Turk] "When they saw the star,
starturk
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they rejoiced with exceeding great joy."
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Matthew, 2:10.
matthew
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Dude, that's just a Christmas tree in the park.
christmaschristmas-treeparktree
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I understand what you're saying, baby.
baby
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Oh, no, please. You can't just jump back on my good side.
jumpside
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You see all of this right here?
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And this?
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And this?
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Consider yourself cut off.
consider
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Full love embargo, baby.
babyfulllove
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- That's not gonna last. - It will last.
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- Oh, yeah? - It's gonna last.
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What if I came up to you, all tired,
tired
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and I just... I had to yawn...?
yawn
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Damn!
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- How pathetic is that? - Do it again.
pathetic
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Please.
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Oh, this is from last night.
night
↓
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The Christmas tree over at Miller Park.
christmaschristmas-treemillerparktree
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God, I love that tree. It's so beautiful, isn't it?
lovetree
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- I've been there almost... - Listen, Meredith.
meredith
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You're pregnant. Pretty far along, actually.
alongpregnant
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What? That's not possible.
possible
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What am I supposed to do?
supposed
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"Ohhh! Look at the baby!"
babyohhh
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Um, babies aren't really my thing,
babies
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so I'm just gonna go get you someone else to talk to.
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Oh, come on, it's great to see you guys again.
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Really, all three of you.
three
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What is it with friends wanting to be in your life?
friendslifewanting
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Selfish is what it is.
selfish
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I thought I got Randy and Jackie in the divorce.
divorcejackierandy
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Banana hammock!
bananabanana-hammockhammock
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I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.
abilitybettingdrovemedicinepressurethrive
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You should have seen him when he was a new intern.
internseen
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"I. Don't. Want. To. Be. A. Doctor."
doctor
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You know, I think we all know that's just not true.
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I'm assuming, since you already took everything else,
assuming
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that you're here for my self-respect,
respectselfself-respect
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but there's bad news on that one, sweetcheeks.
news
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I already gave it to your mom when she begged me to marry you.
beggedmarry
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I wouldn't have room for it,
room
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what with your testicles in my trophy case.
casetesticlestrophy
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Holy cow.
holy
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Who's better? You got me by the short hairs.
hairsshort
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See ya.
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What do you hate most about the holidays?
hateholidays
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- Wrapping presents. You? - My family.
familypresentswrapping
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I don't know how anyone can get in the spirit around here.
spirit
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Come on, guys. All the spirit you need is right here.
spirit
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Can I get a amen?
amen
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Congregation, I said, can I get a amen?
amen
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[all] Amen!
amen
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'Tis the season of givin', y'all.
givinseasonyall
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What better place to give than right here at Sacred Heart?
heartplacesacredsacred-heart
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[all] Yeah, that's right.
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Lovest thou me,
thou
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then feed my sheep!
feedsheep
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That's right.
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Right here, at Sacred Heart,
heartsacredsacred-heart
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we are not only gonna feed his sheep...
feedsheep
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[woman] Woo! That's right.
woman
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...but we gonna clothe them.
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- And we gonna bathe them. - [all] Bathe them!
bathe
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And we gonna cut 'em open.
open
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Then we gonna stitch 'em right back together.
stitch
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[Turk] Because that's what
turk
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Christmaaaaas....
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...is all about.
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That's right! Preach, preach!
preach
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What's the name of the song we're singing today?
namesingingsongtoday
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
↓
c28ad42b-3a07-4133-af19-b52275688b2d.gif
♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
↓
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♪ Let us adore! ♪
adore
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♪ [choir] Christ the Lord ♪
choirchristlord
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Right, listen.
↓
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I'm on call tonight.
tonight
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But tomorrow morning, when I get home,
homemorningtomorrowtomorrow-morning
↓
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we're going to Mass before work, okay?
mass
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c5fe667f-6656-49e8-835b-347aac6009f7.gif
Okay, sweetie.
sweetie
↓
de7a8929-f1c9-48df-85d8-2ef918d4cf8a.gif
Ooh, hey, candy!
candy
↓
aaf2b67d-4152-4c37-b1c9-b6b3cfe313ce.gif
I was trying to, uh...
↓
999f5e24-8bd9-4966-94d9-75900ae14226.gif
I know exactly what you're trying to do, but...
↓
ea9635bc-d50c-407b-845b-f5b7d49e33f7.gif
you're not gonna break my Christmas spirit. You can't.
breakchristmaschristmas-spiritspirit
↓
f6e022d2-2aad-4818-a1e1-b5dbc28e495d.gif
Not ever. I'm the Holly Jolly Janitor.
hollyjanitorjolly
↓
98d16c64-6228-4d83-9eab-34dbff2da1d9.gif
Hi, little girl. What do you want for...?
girl
↓
44feb1a7-5a4c-4e27-9ec7-9b62cf3202d2.gif
[groans]
groans
↓
60a54ef9-711a-4a1d-8e62-3f4e8dcfc6e5.gif
I know you must be busy.
busymust
↓
837134b4-e692-40da-a54d-9db542adb6c2.gif
It's really nice of you to offer to do this.
offer
↓
9f30d841-5bda-425a-b43f-57585329c6d0.gif
Oh, it's no problem.
problem
↓
d28a75fe-7f40-49a5-aa50-fd95bdfbccd7.gif
Hi, doctor.
doctor
↓
17672697-bc82-4959-9c1c-1b2208e92745.gif
You'll fart, pee, puke and poop
fartpooppuke
↓
e7c57cfe-b50d-4f2f-815a-af8c43f9d768.gif
in front of ten complete strangers
completefrontstrangers
↓
18e52aa1-86ee-4a62-a540-5df97cf4b169.gif
who'll be staring intently at your vagina,
staringvaginawholl
↓
1aa180e6-c037-445f-96bb-53a8b48b8243.gif
which, by the way, has an 80% chance of tearing.
chancetearing
↓
59537908-cd7b-47aa-90d9-01fc0a0edd07.gif
You do it.
↓
fd3b975a-8438-4c45-aa24-3a59042b0612.gif
[baby cries]
babybaby-criescries
↓
7160f73f-3c95-4e6c-9cdb-c364c4b9bfac.gif
Oh! Look at the baby!
baby
↓
e7153408-805d-481b-86bd-0aaab38842b7.gif
It's a bouncing baby boy.
babybouncing
↓
c2ac6198-0f9b-49c9-b11f-b38fb8c6e0db.gif
Yet another soldier in the fight against Communism!
anotherfightsoldier
↓
1a7b349e-8321-40ad-a004-b138fe99099f.gif
[1950s music]
music
↓
2be99f54-9d91-45fa-8e22-110daee00330.gif
Where's the girl that was in here?
girl
↓
9c0976e1-ee92-415f-91b8-7e9d83e55113.gif
I just make beds.
beds
↓
a5a745e0-70fe-416e-9764-0c77b687761c.gif
I got Meredith Fox's blood work back. She's got HELLP syndrome.
bloodmeredithsyndrome
↓
0736ecab-08b3-476b-bfd5-8e0fca1786a4.gif
She needs to deliver immediately so let's get...
deliverimmediatelyneeds
↓
a7f3668b-c0f9-4d14-ac4c-229fcaffe14e.gif
What do you mean she just left?
left
↓
989e8377-14cd-4123-88ef-06177d9bb95c.gif
Get me any contact numbers.
contactnumbers
↓
683babdf-0c31-433e-8112-cdc1c4b8c966.gif
- Why did she leave? - Again.
↓
4ceddf99-8aba-42d6-ad76-89f9b801da21.gif
Bed-maker.
maker
↓
82d4458d-30e2-411a-86e4-736b5b20ccec.gif
Newbie, I always punch the tabs out of my tapes
newbiepunchtabstapes
↓
a36cac52-bb07-4a57-8851-46485929a8db.gif
so there's no possible way they can be recorded over.
possiblerecorded
↓
d0873cca-4793-4635-a902-d921fd99625b.gif
So, puh-lease tell me
lease
↓
46a26b35-eba4-4760-98e1-80eb5bcce7d5.gif
you didn't use the tape that was already in the camera.
cameratape
↓
00934b4c-7346-47fa-9166-0f7668e0aaf7.gif
Banana hammock.
bananabanana-hammockhammock
↓
47d7fd09-7ae8-4f2e-81f6-2b91072f7925.gif
So, in other words,
words
↓
87caa00f-6fde-427d-9978-6a552908751a.gif
there is no permanent historical record
historicalpermanentrecord
↓
eb5918f7-b92c-43e1-aefe-cbd89c57bf82.gif
of the birth of my friend's baby?
babybirthfriends
↓
0991f753-8620-45c7-bb98-6b78ac782440.gif
Well, I-I think that the baby itself
baby
↓
acf68540-2d04-4a42-8762-9a122876264d.gif
would serve as proof that it was, you know...
proofserve
↓
cacb53ae-ea39-4e5e-856f-de35a78e340a.gif
...born.
born
↓
e528b9d2-64d2-4531-85c0-2c162f6bcb8e.gif
You don't understand what you've done.
↓
fdd95b62-e966-4ede-9d18-e857c16609c4.gif
My ex-wife is gonna hold this over my head for so long
headwife
↓
7be919f5-e01f-46ae-a7bd-d50445255ea7.gif
that I doubt I'll ever see the sun again.
doubt
↓
28d80d84-4663-43d1-8db3-31ebdd8a0c02.gif
And I liked the sun, newbie.
likednewbie
↓
746b500f-7644-4821-b587-9563a6fe4b31.gif
It made me hopeful.
hopeful
↓
a58a1c96-4711-4f42-ad65-20e2cdcdeb1a.gif
Well, I was there.
↓
0064f84a-d66a-4ed0-ad8d-cbb60d73fb80.gif
I could certainly jot down some of my...
certainly
↓
34c92018-4a18-42f3-be9a-daf6cc39e4b9.gif
...feelings and impressions.
feelingsimpressions
↓
393fe40d-c4b2-4104-8cd0-7cc9e40e5c57.gif
If he was really mad at me,
↓
1d17f5de-3a58-4cd1-9104-0193a5956eea.gif
No, do not do that again.
↓
ce9b1b5e-0bb8-404d-8b22-1b36dc91ee31.gif
That's a bad newbie.
newbie
↓
f87646a3-43b0-4d78-9502-6729bcdc5939.gif
Oh, bad. Oh, bad.
↓
2020e672-8257-4ab5-9540-3fe2a008a224.gif
Bad.
↓
5f1aeeab-98f4-4457-b378-4c437c112a49.gif
I can't believe I'm wearing a suit at 6.30 in the morning.
believemorningsuitwearing
↓
70bd9f17-d796-49d7-9304-0992d94454c1.gif
If you ruin this for Turk, I'll hurt you.
hurtruinturk
↓
af3a5682-0195-4176-8daf-0037c3398d80.gif
Noted.
noted
↓
d105222f-7c7c-4033-b53d-13700c63e36a.gif
Hey. You better hurry up.
hurry
↓
c3b6584a-9f0c-431e-89bc-a54225516b1e.gif
Mass starts in 15 minutes.
massminutesstarts
↓
44a4460c-d9e7-4e7e-9af9-d2cef74db048.gif
- I'm not going. - Great. Can I go back to bed?
↓
1d35bca6-ff19-4e3a-bb6e-e7ecb23b55ec.gif
I'm kidding. Let's do it. I wanna get me some of them church crackers.
churchcrackerskidding
↓
0de8e130-a0f5-4670-ad96-d49a1de7d968.gif
No, I'm not going.
↓
818ecd8a-7d1c-437a-97df-b44f5dae92dd.gif
Ever.
↓
ac895492-67f7-4a19-ac04-2d005b96b597.gif
Baby, what happened?
babyhappened
↓
27332217-8d5d-4abc-9198-90348fb70fd9.gif
Turk? Turk, come on...
turkturk-turk
↓
cceff1be-8c3c-4358-8f5e-049e1d710919.gif
Merry Christmas.
christmasmerrymerry-christmas
↓
6045aa8a-1184-405b-b046-2de2014d88a7.gif
You're overreacting.
overreacting
↓
52e49bcd-28d3-4ef4-b4fb-b0613ac5ad24.gif
A girl said, "What am I gonna do?"
girl
↓
d32a1900-a08b-4c2f-b16b-1cc979a91160.gif
and I said, "Babies aren't my thing."
babies
↓
0a91d087-900b-4236-8a35-63c3a4554596.gif
How could I possibly be too hard on myself?
hardpossibly
↓
c82e1220-8a13-45e6-8580-5b5e9f9b0673.gif
Look, I'm sure she'll turn up.
shell
↓
a8ce2219-d7dc-4890-bdb0-ddf08ee1115a.gif
That's exactly what's gonna happen. She'll turn up,
happenshell
↓
d1f16919-56e2-4fe7-8c32-6ff065dc01ad.gif
she'll have a healthy baby and nothing'll ever happen to either one of them.
babyhappenhealthyshell
↓
5c0d176b-08dd-49ba-9585-5863bb168713.gif
I could use a little faith.
faith
↓
8edfe4df-2c0f-4a21-b14f-806222e51a62.gif
You made some interesting choices with the camera, Orson.
camerachoicesinterestingorson
↓
9eec313c-5e7a-410d-a774-7f6e3903d3e2.gif
- You didn't want any faces? - Excuse me?
excusefaces
↓
1729667c-018a-4043-9c88-af08f4b1337e.gif
I switched the tapes. Just go with it.
switchedtapes
↓
50f3101b-3fd2-40b9-848c-fd046415cb67.gif
Here it comes, I see the head!
comeshead
↓
53adaa6f-704c-4a67-8c08-111a2f08fd55.gif
- What a gorgeous head of hair. - That's funny.
funnygorgeoushairhead
↓
7ff7ca45-4462-42e2-ba75-29d5db2e5163.gif
He was completely bald when he was in here a few minutes ago.
baldcompletelyminutes
↓
4272ed3c-50cb-409d-a17c-19600a1e7156.gif
- Yeah, well... - We shaved the baby.
babyshaved
↓
2cba5bad-709a-4b9f-8a39-7d8e4942d111.gif
- You shaved the baby? - Shaved it.
babyshaved
↓
a04ab939-eb25-4a07-95f5-716cb61961e9.gif
Standard procedure. What with the recent outbreak of pre-natal lice.
liceoutbreakprocedurerecentstandard
↓
c1ebafd2-3ffa-46d9-ae94-47675c053c68.gif
Yep. Definitely.
↓
07df2fca-f57e-4930-9a92-1194d37fdae5.gif
Shave and haircut.
haircutshave
↓
b9ce0796-949e-453f-a93a-0f952bdc1782.gif
Two bits.
bits
↓
3be440c4-7622-4320-ba11-d46115bc5cca.gif
Really?
↓
7a9bac47-bead-42f4-aa3f-4ff66091dc96.gif
Yeah. I'm not buying it.
buying
↓
236601c8-3ad2-4bc6-960c-b06f5101788d.gif
You two are gonna go by the nursery and see baby Charlie?
babybaby-charliecharlienursery
↓
9f33faaa-da5f-4b67-81d0-919ed5ee7fdf.gif
- Absolutely. - Yes.
absolutely
↓
093b3d78-46b2-405f-9943-d4c26695808e.gif
Charlie and his new haircut.
charliehaircut
↓
927752fe-baab-44cb-8b7a-877404d1a4bb.gif
Have we checked the other hospitals?
checkedhospitals
↓
511589d1-c1a9-469b-aff7-5a125e78f8c0.gif
They haven't seen her, honey.
honeyseen
↓
70153c54-5ac5-412a-aeea-630b0671e85d.gif
Dr. Reid, isn't this your day off?
reid
↓
dec7f700-2791-4789-aee4-2f4f80bbb98b.gif
It's that pregnant girl...
girlpregnant
↓
a8b718a5-0935-4b7f-b8c4-ab0c9683ec01.gif
Oh, right. The one who went missing.
missing
↓
09a6cf48-2849-43e2-8c10-447f3c27961f.gif
And now you're here, voluntarily,
voluntarily
↓
83a9290b-a908-441e-980e-183e16418bf3.gif
hell bent on finding one of your little lost ducklings.
bentfindinglost
↓
82c6deed-4dc2-4021-8cc9-eb698c0f9fb4.gif
Dr. Kelso, it's important you understand something.
kelso
↓
e2012939-543e-4dd1-b8b8-a41ba4d53166.gif
I'm not interested in babies.
babiesinterested
↓
74d3b955-f44f-4b4a-8394-fbc8c560d069.gif
I don't coo around them, I don't melt when I see them,
melt
↓
fc2c688e-bb0a-49df-b19f-4c660a239f40.gif
I don't have a yearning to make them my life's work.
lifes
↓
117bd7c0-6fba-4bd9-94aa-41d30c692456.gif
I'm a doctor who's interested in my patients, male or female.
doctorfemaleinterestedmalepatients
↓
f832881d-5d0c-4805-995b-bff94ca34d07.gif
And right now, one of them needs help.
needs
↓
142e42c2-5c4d-47ec-8767-35fa83e673ad.gif
God! Do I know women.
women
↓
66ef3727-8007-4251-aa0d-a1aff4e29cb6.gif
I don't get it. Why are we on the roof?
roof
↓
f81d595a-066b-425a-bc67-8e716cb2a8e4.gif
I wanted to show you that no matter how ugly things can get down there,
matteruglywanted
↓
a2c0b7d2-9afc-4749-ad53-955c321bfd9c.gif
there's still a lot of beauty up here.
beauty
↓
bf817a06-1af4-4268-832f-bfc82d302810.gif
Is that... gum or pigeon crap on my sneaker?
pigeonsneaker
↓
3ecdbd22-48ca-4a13-9dd2-497b84c51fe8.gif
Come on, look around.
↓
c878835d-5c86-41c8-b0f4-5421c5058b60.gif
There's nobody here, no one can see us.
nobody
↓
2f027401-0d77-4559-aa77-d0c18cacc247.gif
We could do whatever we wanted.
wanted
↓
f5a3fe3c-e5e7-475b-a5d9-becdee32d6cb.gif
Like what?
↓
9e73abb0-e463-4812-a14a-58caf6d21865.gif
Okay, how are you not getting this?
↓
db46b516-fd7e-4cd0-9705-9256fa42b3cd.gif
Oh, you mean have relations.
relations
↓
41a0728f-d60f-436a-a79b-3122fb6b3dc1.gif
You wanna have relations right here on the roof.
relationsroof
↓
0b9fb46d-5672-4a20-9e2e-6db6f2b40079.gif
These pebbles are gonna make my ass look like a chocolate chocolate chip.
chipchocolatechocolate-chip
↓
1f9894cb-befc-4d61-af5d-ff548e4f9c64.gif
I can make you see God again, or at least call out his name.
leastname
↓
57069dbb-97bb-4f82-8517-7f78ac154ce1.gif
Is this a joke to you?
joke
↓
e88afed0-9b88-4821-b11b-cc31900a0bee.gif
No, I'm just trying to help you feel better.
↓
aadbe842-8868-4db0-a403-524b0ab59dc6.gif
- You don't know how I feel. - Well, then tell me.
↓
b555f66d-61b8-4956-8e83-de7ce3b3336b.gif
I feel abandoned!
abandoned
↓
6c2c0b4c-8028-4990-a023-91365fa65cfe.gif
All my life, I've believed that God listens to our prayers,
believedlifelistensprayers
↓
86947b7c-d7ab-4122-aa0a-aa79a8222c59.gif
and that he cares for us and that he watches over us.
careswatches
↓
48c322f7-7bed-45a2-8050-fb724d9b87de.gif
Last night, so many people needed to be watched over.
needednightwatched
↓
665f63f2-a95a-496d-b1ac-41f6e05ce88d.gif
How am I supposed to believe in someone that's gonna let innocent people suffer?
believeinnocentsuffersupposed
↓
3bbd8ab9-50a7-4860-8535-28881eca246c.gif
Huh? Answer me, please.
answer
↓
53e94f75-0c45-46d0-8209-e287727482fa.gif
I can't.
↓
b5df6b42-6c36-4501-81d1-4fbbf98b2c68.gif
Did you see baby Charlie yet?
babybaby-charliecharlie
↓
bdbcbc58-f0c7-4c57-ae8d-d474787a011b.gif
Oh, yeah, I was just planning on doing that. Never.
planning
↓
53c0667f-6e04-4e27-ab34-c48c76fc703b.gif
You're such a special friend.
friendspecialspecial-friend
↓
98f794ee-e842-47a4-ae46-f754757edb04.gif
Oh, gosh, Marjorie, aren't you sassy today?
goshsassytoday
↓
579cd0ae-8765-4da6-9e6b-49af63d8ba57.gif
Did Santa finally bring you that Y chromosome you always wanted?
bringfinallysantawanted
↓
39851b20-3b1c-4b35-830c-16c1b2b2731d.gif
What's your problem, anyway?
problem
↓
0283a935-59d6-4433-8204-d56f95e9325d.gif
Well, for starters, I hate Christmas.
christmashatehate-christmasstarters
↓
a27e8542-54e5-45f0-b3db-0e5de8f23c63.gif
I don't like bambersnoodles, I loathe dinkerwallows,
↓
fc8a93ca-682b-453c-ad45-975caf6b838d.gif
I hate snagtumgopers,
hate
↓
cfc9b462-c3d6-4bb8-b480-d58a0a39c969.gif
I say, do you follow?
follow
↓
d480e243-a5b6-430e-934f-182c0dc2d76b.gif
Do you think I'm a moron?
moron
↓
07662dd8-ac2a-4310-b10a-40936913d425.gif
Newbie, don't answer that question.
answernewbiequestion
↓
2fb4289d-9913-4394-8248-d97e2d1d20eb.gif
- It's a trick, that's a trick. - Oh, pre-natal lice?
licetrick
↓
7b2d1572-19f6-49f3-a496-8893e1cbed88.gif
You do realize that would be lice in the womb?
licerealizewomb
↓
29160f8f-1971-4eff-a805-af6964ae6b3e.gif
I've seen them, they're real and they're gross.
grossrealseen
↓
d09c0bc2-3e39-41c9-b58d-7482b70f531f.gif
Whatever it was, I told on him.
↓
873f8f07-c3e0-449a-a233-47ba2df5aa4e.gif
Plus, he didn't even go see baby Charlie yet.
babybaby-charliecharlieplus
↓
a4cf4dff-b9d2-4e29-aed9-677513c7a821.gif
was suddenly focused on me.
focusedsuddenly
↓
d2c24c4a-f25c-4bac-af6b-d31dfce3568f.gif
Excuse me, Sally Sensitive, I don't remember asking you anything.
askingexcuseremembersallysensitive
↓
58ab1853-4a2c-4063-8c8c-804437d1629c.gif
Your mom's aware she'll eventually have to stop breast-feeding, right?
awarebreastbreast-feedingeventuallyfeedingmomsshell
↓
a3d85242-5314-466d-9af6-1b0b274b9709.gif
Hoo! Good Jordan, good.
jordan
↓
6aeb46ba-00d8-46fd-adda-0860da2f8ca2.gif
Now work the body, work the body, under the ribs.
bodyribs
↓
b3a1d5b3-5a77-4d45-8ca7-b54ff24cb8a0.gif
I'm not gonna see that baby either.
baby
↓
83ddf9eb-9771-452b-911a-1e904be32a46.gif
Are you gonna tattle on me? Are you? Are you?
tattle
↓
2605306b-822b-4696-94dd-0bcdb5d7d500.gif
- I'm frightened. - J.D., do you have a second?
frightenedsecond
↓
5d393f22-4c29-4eb6-88bc-2264a57d2081.gif
- Oh, God, yes. - That's right. Run away.
↓
3bbc084a-0318-4be2-b888-9f0ff4b96f16.gif
I spoke to a 911 operator who got a call from a girl in labor,
girllaboroperatorspoke
↓
48bcc897-1b89-4f46-89d0-2471b54c4486.gif
but they lost the signal. I don't know what to do.
lostsignal
↓
9059951a-e83a-4ba7-9727-bddc22cfb701.gif
You'll be okay. Okay?
↓
1121abf2-58a2-4070-8d1e-0907a84f8dd1.gif
You'll be okay.
↓
76f84c3f-70b8-40e4-9653-e991695b5e6d.gif
Babies are amazing.
amazingbabies
↓
106160ef-fd85-4b10-a285-e95366b991e9.gif
So, baby Charlie is the bald one?
babybaby-charliebaldcharlie
↓
bdacf9c0-caf2-462c-a5e8-e413b33ee601.gif
Yeah. He wouldn't be smiling so much if he knew how ugly his parents were.
parentssmilingugly
↓
6add1657-cede-47e6-b3c5-9661157169c6.gif
- You're a sexy bitch. - Thanks.
bitchsexythanks
↓
530be767-0c8b-4ab0-9e4b-328d45969635.gif
What up, little dawg?
dawg
↓
e8a93c6b-85d6-48fe-af76-d6aa4ce6412d.gif
you didn't even know was there.
↓
64ce6307-2780-4480-ae22-db34c7ffcbcd.gif
Ohh! Look at the baby!
baby
↓
3d458309-c997-4cb5-9c58-7a8ae80b17b2.gif
How did you know she was here?
↓
4643579b-fb20-455e-bbe2-d2f2ec41353f.gif
I don't know, I just knew.
↓
ffd61f79-bd84-4d93-b370-3ba20daa2dba.gif
Miracles do happen.
happenmiracles
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[Turk] Merry Christmas, guys.
christmasmerrymerry-christmasturk
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God bless us, every one.
bless
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Dude, you could not be a bigger dork.
biggerdork
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You're so lame.
lame
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That was so cheesy.
cheesy
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Really? 'Cause I felt like it was... right.
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Hey, wait up!