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» S10E01 — The Gang Beats Boggs
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Season 10, Episode 1 — The Gang Beats Boggs
Oh, yeah.
#1
⇓
These are going down real smooth now.
#2
⇓
Dee, slow down. You're on pace to drink 130 beers.
#3
⇓
Don't ruin this for me, Deandra.
#4
⇓
This could be the last chance I got to do something great in my life.
#5
⇓
You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one
#6
⇓
to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.
#7
⇓
Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard.
#8
⇓
Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame third baseman.
#9
⇓
Yeah, it's Wade Boggs's drinking record, okay?
#10
⇓
The man's a legend.
#11
⇓
He drank 50 beers on a cross-country flight,
#12
⇓
and then absolutely destroyed
#13
⇓
the Seattle Mariners the next day, okay?
#14
⇓
That's why we're doing this, to honor his memory, okay?
#15
⇓
May he rest in peace.
#16
⇓
First off, Wade Boggs is very much alive.
#17
⇓
Secondly, the number of beers is actually highly disputed.
#18
⇓
Some say 50, some teammates said 60,
#19
⇓
some said as many as 70 beers.
#20
⇓
Which, to be honest, is an absolutely insane amount of beer.
#21
⇓
Nobody can drink that much.
#22
⇓
Not with an attitude like that.
#23
⇓
Perhaps we're taking this a little bit too seriously?
#24
⇓
Actually, we're not, okay? The man is a legend.
#25
⇓
That's why we're doing this, all right?
#26
⇓
To honor his memory. Rest in peace, Wade.
#27
⇓
Again, he is still alive.
#28
⇓
Always sticking me with the nerds.
#29
⇓
- Yes, ma'am? - Uh, actually, I can, uh, handle this one.
#30
⇓
We'll be sharing the in-flight call system today.
#31
⇓
Excuse me?
#32
⇓
Oh, sorry, let me explain. We're doing a Wade Boggs-type thing,
#33
⇓
and that makes me sort of the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.
#34
⇓
Oh, you're the commissioner now?
#35
⇓
Well, somebody's gotta keep the game fair and everybody invested, okay, Dee?
#36
⇓
He didn't win the chugging contest.
#37
⇓
Two more beers, please.
#38
⇓
- Actually, we're about to take off... - Ooh.
#39
⇓
...so I'm gonna need you to stow your tray table.
#40
⇓
- Okay. Yeah, yeah. - I can take that and throw it out for you.
#41
⇓
Yeah, but just give me a second. Okay? Just give me a second?
#42
⇓
- There you go. - Great.
#43
⇓
Hold on. Hold on.
#44
⇓
Ugh!
#45
⇓
Ouch! It's... Really cold.
#46
⇓
Damn, Dee...
#47
⇓
Oh, God.
#48
⇓
You really have to slow down a little bit.
#49
⇓
Can I get you something to drink?
#50
⇓
Yeah, I'll just get a beer, please.
#51
⇓
- Hey, Frank. - Mmm-hmm.
#52
⇓
I'm a little concerned about this frat boy over here.
#53
⇓
There's only so many beers on the flight.
#54
⇓
I'll take care of him.
#55
⇓
- For you, sir? - Excuse me, miss?
#56
⇓
- Mmm-hmm. - Um, actually, yeah...
#57
⇓
How many beers are we allowed to order at once?
#58
⇓
I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.
#59
⇓
Okay, great, so there's no rule on that.
#60
⇓
Uh, why don't you give me six, then, please?
#61
⇓
How about you make it an even dozen?
#62
⇓
How about I start you with two apiece,
#63
⇓
and then we just take it from there?
#64
⇓
Sure, if you want to be lugging beers back and forth
#65
⇓
the entire flight, I guess that's, uh, up to you.
#66
⇓
I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.
#67
⇓
Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms?
#68
⇓
No, I'm afraid we don't.
#69
⇓
- Aw... - Yeah.
#70
⇓
I'll have to figure something else out.
#71
⇓
- Got it. - Thank you so much.
#72
⇓
- Hey... Frank. - Hmm?
#73
⇓
What's with the condom thing?
#74
⇓
You think the Boggs record is the only one I'm going for?
#75
⇓
I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.
#76
⇓
Okay. What is that?
#77
⇓
That means I'm gonna be plowing somebody in the bathroom
#78
⇓
before this plane lands.
#79
⇓
Right, but do you think you just made that up?
#80
⇓
Because that's already a thing. It's called the Mile High Club.
#81
⇓
People have been doing it since planes have been around.
#82
⇓
That name sucks.
#83
⇓
I'll tell you what, though.
#84
⇓
I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight,
#85
⇓
somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.
#86
⇓
- I'll take that bet. - Yeah?
#87
⇓
Whoa, whoa.
#88
⇓
Did I hear you guys talking about a bet?
#89
⇓
There's no betting, okay? That compromises the integrity of the game.
#90
⇓
It's got nothing to do with the Wade Boggs thing.
#91
⇓
It doesn't matter, okay? That's a rule...
#92
⇓
...and as commissioner, you have to obey me.
#93
⇓
Right, Commissioner.
#94
⇓
Go get me another beer.
#95
⇓
Okay, I will, but not because you told me to,
#96
⇓
but because I'm commissioner and that's my job.
#97
⇓
Yeah.
#98
⇓
You're on.
#99
⇓
Pathetic.
#100
⇓
Twenty-nine beers.
#101
⇓
- How can I help you? - Hmm? Oh.
#102
⇓
Hey-oh!
#103
⇓
This is my guy.
#104
⇓
- Yeah. - Hey, I got a couple more for you, bud,
#105
⇓
so just grab that. Actually, while you're here,
#106
⇓
could I have a rum and Coke, please?
#107
⇓
Uh, oh, uh, hold on one second.
#108
⇓
It's a beer-drinking contest, Charlie.
#109
⇓
No, that's cool, I'm still doing the Boggs thing, but you know what?
#110
⇓
A stiff cocktail would go good with my chicken, so...
#111
⇓
Why are you filling up with chicken?
#112
⇓
Do you know anything about Wade Boggs?
#113
⇓
The man ate a chicken before every game, all right?
#114
⇓
That's why they called him the Chicken Man.
#115
⇓
Man batted .328 lifetime.
#116
⇓
I'm sure he ate some rum and Cokes, too, all right?
#117
⇓
You just said "ate rum and Cokes."
#118
⇓
You're getting a little buzzed.
#119
⇓
You shouldn't be drinking hard alcohol.
#120
⇓
No, I said one rum and Coke. Just one, please. Make it a double, though.
#121
⇓
Hey-oh! Mama needs another pop, pop
#122
⇓
Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop...
#123
⇓
What are you doing?
#124
⇓
Why are you dancing around like a jackass?
#125
⇓
Wade Boggs would roll in his grave if he could see your behavior.
#126
⇓
Wade Boggs is alive.
#127
⇓
- Huh? - He lives in Tampa, Florida.
#128
⇓
He's in his early 50s. And you... Where did you come from?
#129
⇓
You were just passed out two minutes ago.
#130
⇓
I know it, I was, and then I popped a couple of these babies.
#131
⇓
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
#132
⇓
- What the hell are those, Dee? - Greenies. Uppers.
#133
⇓
Vitt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.
#134
⇓
These guys find out that you're taking performance-enhancing drugs,
#135
⇓
the integrity of the game is completely compromised,
#136
⇓
- all right? - Oh, shit.
#137
⇓
As the Bud Selig of the group,
#138
⇓
it's my job to quietly sweep this under the rug
#139
⇓
before anybody finds out.
#140
⇓
You know, Commissioner, you just... You kind of
#141
⇓
- just lost the chugging contest... - Go.
#142
⇓
Hey!
#143
⇓
You know, I actually went to school at the same college,
#144
⇓
- your alma mater, in 1966. - Yeah?
#145
⇓
Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?
#146
⇓
- Oh, that's nice of you. - Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.
#147
⇓
Drink up.
#148
⇓
Frank?
#149
⇓
Did you just buy frat boy a beer?
#150
⇓
Don't worry about it.
#151
⇓
I laced it with sleeping pills.
#152
⇓
He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.
#153
⇓
That is some diabolical shit, dude.
#154
⇓
So what's going on with the sex moves?
#155
⇓
I've been laying chum up and down this plane.
#156
⇓
Yeah, I know. I've noticed.
#157
⇓
Yeah, I've got my prey picked out.
#158
⇓
I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce.
#159
⇓
What are you talking about? You haven't moved an inch.
#160
⇓
You're just drinking.
#161
⇓
- Oh, is that what you think? - Mmm-hmm.
#162
⇓
Frank, of the 206 passengers on this flight,
#163
⇓
98 of them are women,
#164
⇓
but only one of them is a suitable candidate. 44G.
#165
⇓
Notice how she glances forlornly at the empty seat next to her.
#166
⇓
It was meant for someone special.
#167
⇓
And the tan line on her ring finger suggests
#168
⇓
the wound is still fresh, leaving her vulnerable.
#169
⇓
Furthermore, when we hit turbulence earlier, she giggled,
#170
⇓
telling me she's a bit of a thrill seeker.
#171
⇓
You think she offed the guy and went on the run?
#172
⇓
Pretty tough to lay low in a dress like that.
#173
⇓
Granted, it's not a particularly remarkable garment.
#174
⇓
It's from the J Crew Spring 2012 collection.
#175
⇓
Although, it is a bit much for an airplane.
#176
⇓
Furthermore, if she were standing,
#177
⇓
you'd notice she's got no panty line,
#178
⇓
giving me about five extra seconds to enter her swiftly
#179
⇓
before she realizes I am not the answer to her problems.
#180
⇓
I'll tell you my tastes lie a little bit more in 39F.
#181
⇓
No.
#182
⇓
No, thank you, Frank.
#183
⇓
No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns.
#184
⇓
And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious
#185
⇓
amounts of road rash,
#186
⇓
probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident,
#187
⇓
which would also explain her limp.
#188
⇓
Although, something tells me the two are unrelated.
#189
⇓
Either way, she's North Dakota trash
#190
⇓
through and through and far beneath a gentleman such as myself.
#191
⇓
Uh, miss? Six more beers.
#192
⇓
Hey-oh! Ah, there we go. Yeah.
#193
⇓
- Hey, listen, Charlie? - Yeah.
#194
⇓
I need you to start a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.
#195
⇓
Look, I think you're getting, like, too worked up about this thing.
#196
⇓
Can we just drink the beer and hang out, you know?
#197
⇓
Well, here... Here's the thing.
#198
⇓
The game seems to be getting a little bit off the rails.
#199
⇓
Frank and Dennis are super distracted,
#200
⇓
and Dee is kind of just running away with it.
#201
⇓
Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer
#202
⇓
because he was obsessed with, like, breaking some record.
#203
⇓
You know what I mean?
#204
⇓
He did it 'cause he was just, like, thirsty, you know?
#205
⇓
And looking to pass the time.
#206
⇓
Yeah, but I can sell a rivalry, all right?
#207
⇓
What I can't sell is... 27 beers.
#208
⇓
What am I gonna do with 27 beers?
#209
⇓
Who cares about 27 beers?
#210
⇓
We're not selling anything.
#211
⇓
Like, I think you're taking the commissioner thing way...
#212
⇓
Look, you lost the chugging contest, man. It's not a big deal.
#213
⇓
Why did you make me Bud Selig if you didn't...
#214
⇓
Nobody did. You just started saying that. Look, I got empties for you.
#215
⇓
Just take those and don't, like,
#216
⇓
put so much pressure on yourself over...
#217
⇓
Attention, passengers.
#218
⇓
This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking.
#219
⇓
And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon.
#220
⇓
So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me,
#221
⇓
you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.
#222
⇓
- Mmm-mmm. - Yeah, no.
#223
⇓
- Mmm-mmm. - Put your...
#224
⇓
- Mmm-mmm. - Oh, I'm gonna need that.
#225
⇓
- Ah, you... Ruining everything. - Okay.
#226
⇓
The Boggs group is cut off.
#227
⇓
What? Aw, dude. That's not good.
#228
⇓
- I can't stop drinking now. - Damn it!
#229
⇓
I'll probably die, dude.
#230
⇓
I'm running low, too. Shit.
#231
⇓
Okay, luckily I came prepared.
#232
⇓
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
#233
⇓
Charlie, we're not on a wide-body DC-10 for nothing.
#234
⇓
Right. We bought tickets.
#235
⇓
Well, yes, but we chose a wide-body DC-10 on purpose.
#236
⇓
- That's what I was... - To get up in the sky.
#237
⇓
Let me walk you through it.
#238
⇓
I got 100 extra beers in a checked bag, okay?
#239
⇓
Now, according to movies like Executive Decision and Passenger 57,
#240
⇓
there is a secret hatch on every plane
#241
⇓
that allows me to travel freely throughout the aircraft.
#242
⇓
Well, everybody knows that.
#243
⇓
Yeah, so I just got to find my right time to get down there.
#244
⇓
- I think you're probably good anytime. - Just do it.
#245
⇓
- This stewardess is like, not on the ball. - ...just right now, right?
#246
⇓
Hey-oh.
#247
⇓
Why isn't the door locked, Frank?
#248
⇓
I'm posting up.
#249
⇓
Half the battle is getting them to follow you to the bathroom.
#250
⇓
This way, I'm sitting here.
#251
⇓
It's like lambs to the slaughter.
#252
⇓
Ah! What's happening to me?
#253
⇓
Some... Something is wrong.
#254
⇓
Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor on board,
#255
⇓
please press your call button.
#256
⇓
Something is wrong with me.
#257
⇓
Dude, how many sleeping pills did you give that kid?
#258
⇓
I don't know... Seven? 12?
#259
⇓
12?
#260
⇓
Yeah! What? You told me to take care of him.
#261
⇓
I didn't tell you to kill him.
#262
⇓
Well, you better go do something,
#263
⇓
otherwise they're gonna have to make an emergency landing
#264
⇓
and this whole thing's gonna be screwed!
#265
⇓
Ah, shit!
#266
⇓
Uh, what seems to be the problem here?
#267
⇓
Are you a doctor?
#268
⇓
Mantis Toboggan, MD.
#269
⇓
You want this young man to live,
#270
⇓
you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape,
#271
⇓
a bag of peanuts and four beers.
#272
⇓
Jackpot.
#273
⇓
This way.
#274
⇓
Shh. Nice.
#275
⇓
All right, here we go.
#276
⇓
Speed it up a little bit, honey?
#277
⇓
Okay.
#278
⇓
- Ooh. Wow! - Yeah!
#279
⇓
Ugh.
#280
⇓
Oh, you really know your way around.
#281
⇓
Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision
#282
⇓
or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.
#283
⇓
You're weird.
#284
⇓
You have no idea.
#285
⇓
- Oh... - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
#286
⇓
Nothing with my lips, all right?
#287
⇓
- Okay. - I don't want to do that with you.
#288
⇓
Mind if I take a pill?
#289
⇓
Yeah, sure, take a pill.
#290
⇓
All right, well, that's happening.
#291
⇓
Now, just do that. That's a boy!
#292
⇓
Is it really necessary to restrain him like this?
#293
⇓
You can never be too careful with altitude sickness.
#294
⇓
One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747!
#295
⇓
Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.
#296
⇓
I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.
#297
⇓
Okay, I'm sorry.
#298
⇓
I'm gonna need to see some identification.
#299
⇓
You don't think I'm a pilot?
#300
⇓
I don't think you're a doctor.
#301
⇓
That is a serious accusation!
#302
⇓
You've had 14 beers.
#303
⇓
You don't know that.
#304
⇓
It's written on your shirt.
#305
⇓
How would you like to go to the bathroom with me?
#306
⇓
I got to go.
#307
⇓
You and me?
#308
⇓
Well, Frank...
#309
⇓
I have singlehandedly pushed the limits of high-altitude eroticism.
#310
⇓
You banged her?
#311
⇓
- Yeah. - What happened to the classy broad?
#312
⇓
Oh, happily married. Yeah.
#313
⇓
Turns out she takes her ring off
#314
⇓
when she flies 'cause her fingers swell. Yeah.
#315
⇓
But it's all good, Frank.
#316
⇓
You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it
#317
⇓
out of the park every single time at bat.
#318
⇓
Mmm-hmm.
#319
⇓
He just tried to get the ball in play and hope he could squeak it through the hole.
#320
⇓
And I just squeaked it through multiple holes if you know what I'm saying.
#321
⇓
Don't you!
#322
⇓
Ladies and gentlemen,
#323
⇓
please fasten your seat belts as we begin our initial descent into North Dakota.
#324
⇓
Oh, shit. Well, you know, you heard the captain.
#325
⇓
On your bike.
#326
⇓
I wish I could just sit with you.
#327
⇓
Yeah. Hmm.
#328
⇓
But, you know, there's already a guy in the seat, so...
#329
⇓
Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person,
#330
⇓
would you mind switching seats so I could sit with my boyfriend?
#331
⇓
Thank you.
#332
⇓
Hello, Charlie.
#333
⇓
Oh, shit!
#334
⇓
You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!
#335
⇓
I'm not a ghost, Charlie. You're just hallucinating.
#336
⇓
You've had over 30 beers, dude!
#337
⇓
Uh, you did? Nice, man.
#338
⇓
- You know, your friend Mac is right. - Oh, yeah?
#339
⇓
I didn't win five batting titles
#340
⇓
- because it was fun. - Right.
#341
⇓
I won it because I wanted to be the best.
#342
⇓
You see what I'm saying?
#343
⇓
Nah, not really, man.
#344
⇓
There's nothing more fun than winning.
#345
⇓
So, come on, drink up.
#346
⇓
- I'll have one with you. Yeah. - Nice! All right!
#347
⇓
- Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink! - All right.
#348
⇓
Cheers!
#349
⇓
Howdy, Dee.
#350
⇓
Well, what do you say, Boss?
#351
⇓
Now, I know you're not quitting on me.
#352
⇓
I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me
#353
⇓
stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked
#354
⇓
Hazzard County schemes!
#355
⇓
You got it, Boss Hoss.
#356
⇓
All right! Well, here we are...
#357
⇓
Beautiful North Dakota.
#358
⇓
Hope you brought a coat 'cause it looks cold as shit out there.
#359
⇓
I don't live in North Dakota.
#360
⇓
You're going to LA?
#361
⇓
About 200 miles inland.
#362
⇓
The Salton Sea.
#363
⇓
My family has a tilapia farm there.
#364
⇓
Goddamn.
#365
⇓
Good. Good for them.
#366
⇓
- Will you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.
#367
⇓
- Dennis, Dennis? - Huh?
#368
⇓
Where you going?
#369
⇓
Oh, uh, I mistook that girl for Great Plains trash.
#370
⇓
She's actually desert trash.
#371
⇓
I should've picked up on the multiple gecko tattoos, so this is kind of on me.
#372
⇓
Either way, I'd rather stay in this barren wasteland of a state
#373
⇓
than spend one more minute with that filth.
#374
⇓
I'll see you back in Philly.
#375
⇓
Wait, wait, Dennis. Don't go.
#376
⇓
Now you can go.
#377
⇓
Come on! Drink! Drink! You guys can do it! You guys are gonna make it!
#378
⇓
I can't believe what we are witnessing here.
#379
⇓
We are making history here, people!
#380
⇓
We're making history!
#381
⇓
Beer me, baby.
#382
⇓
You're 40 beers back, bitch!
#383
⇓
Just sit back and enjoy the show.
#384
⇓
Well, I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do.
#385
⇓
They say I can't drink on a plane.
#386
⇓
They say I can't bang on a plane.
#387
⇓
They'll say I can't be a pilot.
#388
⇓
I can't be a doctor.
#389
⇓
I'm gonna do it.
#390
⇓
I'm gonna do it right in front of your face.
#391
⇓
I'm gonna chug 15 beers right now.
#392
⇓
Oh, that's so cold.
#393
⇓
Beer's cold.
#394
⇓
There's a...
#395
⇓
All right.
#396
⇓
Instant rebuff.
#397
⇓
Just leave me here.
#398
⇓
Okay, guys, here we go.
#399
⇓
Almost there! Almost there!
#400
⇓
Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!
#401
⇓
Guys, we're at 70 beers.
#402
⇓
That means one more to break the record.
#403
⇓
- Come on. - Come on, you can do it!
#404
⇓
Go! Chug it! Chug it!
#405
⇓
Come on, come on, you can do it.
#406
⇓
You can do it! I believe in you!
#407
⇓
Yeah!
#408
⇓
Yeah, Dee, go!
#409
⇓
I did it!
#410
⇓
- 71 beers! Holy shit! - I'm the king.
#411
⇓
I'm the king, Boss Hoss.
#412
⇓
But you're not done yet.
#413
⇓
Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just drink enough beer to kill a horse.
#414
⇓
He also suited up the next day
#415
⇓
and went three for five, so you're gonna have to do that.
#416
⇓
Yeah, totally. All right...
#417
⇓
Uh, where's Dee?
#418
⇓
What?
#419
⇓
Okay, here we go, Charlie.
#420
⇓
You got to go at least three for 10, all right?
#421
⇓
You ready?
#422
⇓
Okay, I'm gonna put a little mustard on this one, all right?
#423
⇓
All right.
#424
⇓
Holy shit, dude!
#425
⇓
You roped that!
#426
⇓
- Wow! - All right, give me another one.
#427
⇓
You know, that's the only ball I have,
#428
⇓
and I didn't expect you to hit it that far.
#429
⇓
I really don't feel like going to get it.
#430
⇓
So, I'm the commissioner. I say you did it!
#431
⇓
Yeah!
#432
⇓
Hey, one for one... That's batting .1000, dude.
#433
⇓
Yeah!
#434
⇓
- Nice work! - Yeah!
#435
⇓
- Hey, man? - Yeah?
#436
⇓
It's kind of gloomy, huh?
#437
⇓
Yeah.
#438
⇓
Well, if we hurry up, we can get back to the airport
#439
⇓
and get a red-eye back to Philly.
#440
⇓
They got chicken, yeah!
#441
⇓
Hey, let's go grab a beer, huh?
#442
⇓
I'm talkin' baseball
#443
⇓
Kluszewski, Campanella
#444
⇓
Talkin' baseball
#445
⇓
The Man and Bobby Feller
#446
⇓
The Scooter, the Barber and the Newc
#447
⇓
They knew 'em all from Boston to Dubuque
#448
⇓
Especially Willie
#449
⇓
Mickey and the Duke
#450
⇓
Well, Casey was winning Hank Aaron was beginning
#451
⇓
One Robbie going out, one coming in
#452
⇓
Kiner and Midget Gaedel, the Thumper and Mel Parnell
#453
⇓
And Ike was the only one
#454
⇓
Winning down in Washington...
#455
⇓
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