Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E01 — The Gang Beats Boggs

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 1 — The Gang Beats Boggs

Oh, yeah.

#1

⇓

These are going down real smooth now.

#2

⇓

Dee, slow down. You're on pace to drink 130 beers.

#3

⇓

Don't ruin this for me, Deandra.

#4

⇓

This could be the last chance I got to do something great in my life.

#5

⇓

You jerks are just all mad 'cause I'm gonna be the one

#6

⇓

to shatter Boss Hogg's drinking record.

#7

⇓

Dee, Boss Hogg was a big, fat redneck from The Dukes of Hazzard.

#8

⇓

Wade Boggs is a Hall of Fame third baseman.

#9

⇓

Yeah, it's Wade Boggs's drinking record, okay?

#10

⇓

The man's a legend.

#11

⇓

He drank 50 beers on a cross-country flight,

#12

⇓

and then absolutely destroyed

#13

⇓

the Seattle Mariners the next day, okay?

#14

⇓

That's why we're doing this, to honor his memory, okay?

#15

⇓

May he rest in peace.

#16

⇓

First off, Wade Boggs is very much alive.

#17

⇓

Secondly, the number of beers is actually highly disputed.

#18

⇓

Some say 50, some teammates said 60,

#19

⇓

some said as many as 70 beers.

#20

⇓

Which, to be honest, is an absolutely insane amount of beer.

#21

⇓

Nobody can drink that much.

#22

⇓

Not with an attitude like that.

#23

⇓

Perhaps we're taking this a little bit too seriously?

#24

⇓

Actually, we're not, okay? The man is a legend.

#25

⇓

That's why we're doing this, all right?

#26

⇓

To honor his memory. Rest in peace, Wade.

#27

⇓

Again, he is still alive.

#28

⇓

Always sticking me with the nerds.

#29

⇓

- Yes, ma'am? - Uh, actually, I can, uh, handle this one.

#30

⇓

We'll be sharing the in-flight call system today.

#31

⇓

Excuse me?

#32

⇓

Oh, sorry, let me explain. We're doing a Wade Boggs-type thing,

#33

⇓

and that makes me sort of the Commissioner Bud Selig of the group.

#34

⇓

Oh, you're the commissioner now?

#35

⇓

Well, somebody's gotta keep the game fair and everybody invested, okay, Dee?

#36

⇓

He didn't win the chugging contest.

#37

⇓

Two more beers, please.

#38

⇓

- Actually, we're about to take off... - Ooh.

#39

⇓

...so I'm gonna need you to stow your tray table.

#40

⇓

- Okay. Yeah, yeah. - I can take that and throw it out for you.

#41

⇓

Yeah, but just give me a second. Okay? Just give me a second?

#42

⇓

- There you go. - Great.

#43

⇓

Hold on. Hold on.

#44

⇓

Ugh!

#45

⇓

Ouch! It's... Really cold.

#46

⇓

Damn, Dee...

#47

⇓

Oh, God.

#48

⇓

You really have to slow down a little bit.

#49

⇓

Can I get you something to drink?

#50

⇓

Yeah, I'll just get a beer, please.

#51

⇓

- Hey, Frank. - Mmm-hmm.

#52

⇓

I'm a little concerned about this frat boy over here.

#53

⇓

There's only so many beers on the flight.

#54

⇓

I'll take care of him.

#55

⇓

- For you, sir? - Excuse me, miss?

#56

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - Um, actually, yeah...

#57

⇓

How many beers are we allowed to order at once?

#58

⇓

I'm not sure. No one has ever asked that before.

#59

⇓

Okay, great, so there's no rule on that.

#60

⇓

Uh, why don't you give me six, then, please?

#61

⇓

How about you make it an even dozen?

#62

⇓

How about I start you with two apiece,

#63

⇓

and then we just take it from there?

#64

⇓

Sure, if you want to be lugging beers back and forth

#65

⇓

the entire flight, I guess that's, uh, up to you.

#66

⇓

I'll be taking care of everybody on the Boggs account.

#67

⇓

Oh, and by the way, do you sell condoms?

#68

⇓

No, I'm afraid we don't.

#69

⇓

- Aw... - Yeah.

#70

⇓

I'll have to figure something else out.

#71

⇓

- Got it. - Thank you so much.

#72

⇓

- Hey... Frank. - Hmm?

#73

⇓

What's with the condom thing?

#74

⇓

You think the Boggs record is the only one I'm going for?

#75

⇓

I'm gonna become the first-ever member of the Air Sex Society.

#76

⇓

Okay. What is that?

#77

⇓

That means I'm gonna be plowing somebody in the bathroom

#78

⇓

before this plane lands.

#79

⇓

Right, but do you think you just made that up?

#80

⇓

Because that's already a thing. It's called the Mile High Club.

#81

⇓

People have been doing it since planes have been around.

#82

⇓

That name sucks.

#83

⇓

I'll tell you what, though.

#84

⇓

I will make you a bet that I plow somebody on this fight,

#85

⇓

somewhere other than the bathroom, before we hit the Great Lakes.

#86

⇓

- I'll take that bet. - Yeah?

#87

⇓

Whoa, whoa.

#88

⇓

Did I hear you guys talking about a bet?

#89

⇓

There's no betting, okay? That compromises the integrity of the game.

#90

⇓

It's got nothing to do with the Wade Boggs thing.

#91

⇓

It doesn't matter, okay? That's a rule...

#92

⇓

...and as commissioner, you have to obey me.

#93

⇓

Right, Commissioner.

#94

⇓

Go get me another beer.

#95

⇓

Okay, I will, but not because you told me to,

#96

⇓

but because I'm commissioner and that's my job.

#97

⇓

Yeah.

#98

⇓

You're on.

#99

⇓

Pathetic.

#100

⇓

Twenty-nine beers.

#101

⇓

- How can I help you? - Hmm? Oh.

#102

⇓

Hey-oh!

#103

⇓

This is my guy.

#104

⇓

- Yeah. - Hey, I got a couple more for you, bud,

#105

⇓

so just grab that. Actually, while you're here,

#106

⇓

could I have a rum and Coke, please?

#107

⇓

Uh, oh, uh, hold on one second.

#108

⇓

It's a beer-drinking contest, Charlie.

#109

⇓

No, that's cool, I'm still doing the Boggs thing, but you know what?

#110

⇓

A stiff cocktail would go good with my chicken, so...

#111

⇓

Why are you filling up with chicken?

#112

⇓

Do you know anything about Wade Boggs?

#113

⇓

The man ate a chicken before every game, all right?

#114

⇓

That's why they called him the Chicken Man.

#115

⇓

Man batted .328 lifetime.

#116

⇓

I'm sure he ate some rum and Cokes, too, all right?

#117

⇓

You just said "ate rum and Cokes."

#118

⇓

You're getting a little buzzed.

#119

⇓

You shouldn't be drinking hard alcohol.

#120

⇓

No, I said one rum and Coke. Just one, please. Make it a double, though.

#121

⇓

Hey-oh! Mama needs another pop, pop

#122

⇓

Hey, pop, soda pop, soda pop...

#123

⇓

What are you doing?

#124

⇓

Why are you dancing around like a jackass?

#125

⇓

Wade Boggs would roll in his grave if he could see your behavior.

#126

⇓

Wade Boggs is alive.

#127

⇓

- Huh? - He lives in Tampa, Florida.

#128

⇓

He's in his early 50s. And you... Where did you come from?

#129

⇓

You were just passed out two minutes ago.

#130

⇓

I know it, I was, and then I popped a couple of these babies.

#131

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#132

⇓

- What the hell are those, Dee? - Greenies. Uppers.

#133

⇓

Vitt! Feel like I got a rocket up my ass.

#134

⇓

These guys find out that you're taking performance-enhancing drugs,

#135

⇓

the integrity of the game is completely compromised,

#136

⇓

- all right? - Oh, shit.

#137

⇓

As the Bud Selig of the group,

#138

⇓

it's my job to quietly sweep this under the rug

#139

⇓

before anybody finds out.

#140

⇓

You know, Commissioner, you just... You kind of

#141

⇓

- just lost the chugging contest... - Go.

#142

⇓

Hey!

#143

⇓

You know, I actually went to school at the same college,

#144

⇓

- your alma mater, in 1966. - Yeah?

#145

⇓

Yeah, here, have a beer, huh?

#146

⇓

- Oh, that's nice of you. - Yeah, yeah, good, yeah.

#147

⇓

Drink up.

#148

⇓

Frank?

#149

⇓

Did you just buy frat boy a beer?

#150

⇓

Don't worry about it.

#151

⇓

I laced it with sleeping pills.

#152

⇓

He's gonna be out like a light in two minutes.

#153

⇓

That is some diabolical shit, dude.

#154

⇓

So what's going on with the sex moves?

#155

⇓

I've been laying chum up and down this plane.

#156

⇓

Yeah, I know. I've noticed.

#157

⇓

Yeah, I've got my prey picked out.

#158

⇓

I'm just waiting for the right moment to pounce.

#159

⇓

What are you talking about? You haven't moved an inch.

#160

⇓

You're just drinking.

#161

⇓

- Oh, is that what you think? - Mmm-hmm.

#162

⇓

Frank, of the 206 passengers on this flight,

#163

⇓

98 of them are women,

#164

⇓

but only one of them is a suitable candidate. 44G.

#165

⇓

Notice how she glances forlornly at the empty seat next to her.

#166

⇓

It was meant for someone special.

#167

⇓

And the tan line on her ring finger suggests

#168

⇓

the wound is still fresh, leaving her vulnerable.

#169

⇓

Furthermore, when we hit turbulence earlier, she giggled,

#170

⇓

telling me she's a bit of a thrill seeker.

#171

⇓

You think she offed the guy and went on the run?

#172

⇓

Pretty tough to lay low in a dress like that.

#173

⇓

Granted, it's not a particularly remarkable garment.

#174

⇓

It's from the J Crew Spring 2012 collection.

#175

⇓

Although, it is a bit much for an airplane.

#176

⇓

Furthermore, if she were standing,

#177

⇓

you'd notice she's got no panty line,

#178

⇓

giving me about five extra seconds to enter her swiftly

#179

⇓

before she realizes I am not the answer to her problems.

#180

⇓

I'll tell you my tastes lie a little bit more in 39F.

#181

⇓

No.

#182

⇓

No, thank you, Frank.

#183

⇓

No, her blouse is covered in cigarette burns.

#184

⇓

And I imagine underneath that blouse, you'll find copious

#185

⇓

amounts of road rash,

#186

⇓

probably sustained in some sort of off-roading accident,

#187

⇓

which would also explain her limp.

#188

⇓

Although, something tells me the two are unrelated.

#189

⇓

Either way, she's North Dakota trash

#190

⇓

through and through and far beneath a gentleman such as myself.

#191

⇓

Uh, miss? Six more beers.

#192

⇓

Hey-oh! Ah, there we go. Yeah.

#193

⇓

- Hey, listen, Charlie? - Yeah.

#194

⇓

I need you to start a McGwire/Sosa-like rivalry with Dee.

#195

⇓

Look, I think you're getting, like, too worked up about this thing.

#196

⇓

Can we just drink the beer and hang out, you know?

#197

⇓

Well, here... Here's the thing.

#198

⇓

The game seems to be getting a little bit off the rails.

#199

⇓

Frank and Dennis are super distracted,

#200

⇓

and Dee is kind of just running away with it.

#201

⇓

Boggsy didn't drink six gallons of beer

#202

⇓

because he was obsessed with, like, breaking some record.

#203

⇓

You know what I mean?

#204

⇓

He did it 'cause he was just, like, thirsty, you know?

#205

⇓

And looking to pass the time.

#206

⇓

Yeah, but I can sell a rivalry, all right?

#207

⇓

What I can't sell is... 27 beers.

#208

⇓

What am I gonna do with 27 beers?

#209

⇓

Who cares about 27 beers?

#210

⇓

We're not selling anything.

#211

⇓

Like, I think you're taking the commissioner thing way...

#212

⇓

Look, you lost the chugging contest, man. It's not a big deal.

#213

⇓

Why did you make me Bud Selig if you didn't...

#214

⇓

Nobody did. You just started saying that. Look, I got empties for you.

#215

⇓

Just take those and don't, like,

#216

⇓

put so much pressure on yourself over...

#217

⇓

Attention, passengers.

#218

⇓

This is your captain, Boss Hogg, speaking.

#219

⇓

And this cold slice of heaven is my 40th beer of the afternoon.

#220

⇓

So any of you dicknips think you can slug it down faster than me,

#221

⇓

you're welcome to get your fat asses up here to try.

#222

⇓

- Mmm-mmm. - Yeah, no.

#223

⇓

- Mmm-mmm. - Put your...

#224

⇓

- Mmm-mmm. - Oh, I'm gonna need that.

#225

⇓

- Ah, you... Ruining everything. - Okay.

#226

⇓

The Boggs group is cut off.

#227

⇓

What? Aw, dude. That's not good.

#228

⇓

- I can't stop drinking now. - Damn it!

#229

⇓

I'll probably die, dude.

#230

⇓

I'm running low, too. Shit.

#231

⇓

Okay, luckily I came prepared.

#232

⇓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

#233

⇓

Charlie, we're not on a wide-body DC-10 for nothing.

#234

⇓

Right. We bought tickets.

#235

⇓

Well, yes, but we chose a wide-body DC-10 on purpose.

#236

⇓

- That's what I was... - To get up in the sky.

#237

⇓

Let me walk you through it.

#238

⇓

I got 100 extra beers in a checked bag, okay?

#239

⇓

Now, according to movies like Executive Decision and Passenger 57,

#240

⇓

there is a secret hatch on every plane

#241

⇓

that allows me to travel freely throughout the aircraft.

#242

⇓

Well, everybody knows that.

#243

⇓

Yeah, so I just got to find my right time to get down there.

#244

⇓

- I think you're probably good anytime. - Just do it.

#245

⇓

- This stewardess is like, not on the ball. - ...just right now, right?

#246

⇓

Hey-oh.

#247

⇓

Why isn't the door locked, Frank?

#248

⇓

I'm posting up.

#249

⇓

Half the battle is getting them to follow you to the bathroom.

#250

⇓

This way, I'm sitting here.

#251

⇓

It's like lambs to the slaughter.

#252

⇓

Ah! What's happening to me?

#253

⇓

Some... Something is wrong.

#254

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's a doctor on board,

#255

⇓

please press your call button.

#256

⇓

Something is wrong with me.

#257

⇓

Dude, how many sleeping pills did you give that kid?

#258

⇓

I don't know... Seven? 12?

#259

⇓

12?

#260

⇓

Yeah! What? You told me to take care of him.

#261

⇓

I didn't tell you to kill him.

#262

⇓

Well, you better go do something,

#263

⇓

otherwise they're gonna have to make an emergency landing

#264

⇓

and this whole thing's gonna be screwed!

#265

⇓

Ah, shit!

#266

⇓

Uh, what seems to be the problem here?

#267

⇓

Are you a doctor?

#268

⇓

Mantis Toboggan, MD.

#269

⇓

You want this young man to live,

#270

⇓

you're gonna have to give me some aspirin, a roll of duct tape,

#271

⇓

a bag of peanuts and four beers.

#272

⇓

Jackpot.

#273

⇓

This way.

#274

⇓

Shh. Nice.

#275

⇓

All right, here we go.

#276

⇓

Speed it up a little bit, honey?

#277

⇓

Okay.

#278

⇓

- Ooh. Wow! - Yeah!

#279

⇓

Ugh.

#280

⇓

Oh, you really know your way around.

#281

⇓

Well, if I've learned anything from films like Executive Decision

#282

⇓

or Passenger 57, there's always a way into the cargo hold.

#283

⇓

You're weird.

#284

⇓

You have no idea.

#285

⇓

- Oh... - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

#286

⇓

Nothing with my lips, all right?

#287

⇓

- Okay. - I don't want to do that with you.

#288

⇓

Mind if I take a pill?

#289

⇓

Yeah, sure, take a pill.

#290

⇓

All right, well, that's happening.

#291

⇓

Now, just do that. That's a boy!

#292

⇓

Is it really necessary to restrain him like this?

#293

⇓

You can never be too careful with altitude sickness.

#294

⇓

One time, this broad chewed through the fuselage of a 747!

#295

⇓

Luckily, I'm a pilot, too.

#296

⇓

I inverted the bird and landed her safely in an open field.

#297

⇓

Okay, I'm sorry.

#298

⇓

I'm gonna need to see some identification.

#299

⇓

You don't think I'm a pilot?

#300

⇓

I don't think you're a doctor.

#301

⇓

That is a serious accusation!

#302

⇓

You've had 14 beers.

#303

⇓

You don't know that.

#304

⇓

It's written on your shirt.

#305

⇓

How would you like to go to the bathroom with me?

#306

⇓

I got to go.

#307

⇓

You and me?

#308

⇓

Well, Frank...

#309

⇓

I have singlehandedly pushed the limits of high-altitude eroticism.

#310

⇓

You banged her?

#311

⇓

- Yeah. - What happened to the classy broad?

#312

⇓

Oh, happily married. Yeah.

#313

⇓

Turns out she takes her ring off

#314

⇓

when she flies 'cause her fingers swell. Yeah.

#315

⇓

But it's all good, Frank.

#316

⇓

You know, hey, turns out Boggs, he didn't hit it

#317

⇓

out of the park every single time at bat.

#318

⇓

Mmm-hmm.

#319

⇓

He just tried to get the ball in play and hope he could squeak it through the hole.

#320

⇓

And I just squeaked it through multiple holes if you know what I'm saying.

#321

⇓

Don't you!

#322

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen,

#323

⇓

please fasten your seat belts as we begin our initial descent into North Dakota.

#324

⇓

Oh, shit. Well, you know, you heard the captain.

#325

⇓

On your bike.

#326

⇓

I wish I could just sit with you.

#327

⇓

Yeah. Hmm.

#328

⇓

But, you know, there's already a guy in the seat, so...

#329

⇓

Oh. Excuse me, Mr. Person,

#330

⇓

would you mind switching seats so I could sit with my boyfriend?

#331

⇓

Thank you.

#332

⇓

Hello, Charlie.

#333

⇓

Oh, shit!

#334

⇓

You're the ghost of Wade Boggs!

#335

⇓

I'm not a ghost, Charlie. You're just hallucinating.

#336

⇓

You've had over 30 beers, dude!

#337

⇓

Uh, you did? Nice, man.

#338

⇓

- You know, your friend Mac is right. - Oh, yeah?

#339

⇓

I didn't win five batting titles

#340

⇓

- because it was fun. - Right.

#341

⇓

I won it because I wanted to be the best.

#342

⇓

You see what I'm saying?

#343

⇓

Nah, not really, man.

#344

⇓

There's nothing more fun than winning.

#345

⇓

So, come on, drink up.

#346

⇓

- I'll have one with you. Yeah. - Nice! All right!

#347

⇓

- Let's do it, Boggs! Let's drink! - All right.

#348

⇓

Cheers!

#349

⇓

Howdy, Dee.

#350

⇓

Well, what do you say, Boss?

#351

⇓

Now, I know you're not quitting on me.

#352

⇓

I need you to keep drinking those beers, so you can help me

#353

⇓

stop them Duke boys from spoiling all my crooked

#354

⇓

Hazzard County schemes!

#355

⇓

You got it, Boss Hoss.

#356

⇓

All right! Well, here we are...

#357

⇓

Beautiful North Dakota.

#358

⇓

Hope you brought a coat 'cause it looks cold as shit out there.

#359

⇓

I don't live in North Dakota.

#360

⇓

You're going to LA?

#361

⇓

About 200 miles inland.

#362

⇓

The Salton Sea.

#363

⇓

My family has a tilapia farm there.

#364

⇓

Goddamn.

#365

⇓

Good. Good for them.

#366

⇓

- Will you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.

#367

⇓

- Dennis, Dennis? - Huh?

#368

⇓

Where you going?

#369

⇓

Oh, uh, I mistook that girl for Great Plains trash.

#370

⇓

She's actually desert trash.

#371

⇓

I should've picked up on the multiple gecko tattoos, so this is kind of on me.

#372

⇓

Either way, I'd rather stay in this barren wasteland of a state

#373

⇓

than spend one more minute with that filth.

#374

⇓

I'll see you back in Philly.

#375

⇓

Wait, wait, Dennis. Don't go.

#376

⇓

Now you can go.

#377

⇓

Come on! Drink! Drink! You guys can do it! You guys are gonna make it!

#378

⇓

I can't believe what we are witnessing here.

#379

⇓

We are making history here, people!

#380

⇓

We're making history!

#381

⇓

Beer me, baby.

#382

⇓

You're 40 beers back, bitch!

#383

⇓

Just sit back and enjoy the show.

#384

⇓

Well, I'm tired of people telling me what I can't do.

#385

⇓

They say I can't drink on a plane.

#386

⇓

They say I can't bang on a plane.

#387

⇓

They'll say I can't be a pilot.

#388

⇓

I can't be a doctor.

#389

⇓

I'm gonna do it.

#390

⇓

I'm gonna do it right in front of your face.

#391

⇓

I'm gonna chug 15 beers right now.

#392

⇓

Oh, that's so cold.

#393

⇓

Beer's cold.

#394

⇓

There's a...

#395

⇓

All right.

#396

⇓

Instant rebuff.

#397

⇓

Just leave me here.

#398

⇓

Okay, guys, here we go.

#399

⇓

Almost there! Almost there!

#400

⇓

Wake up! Perk up! Perk up!

#401

⇓

Guys, we're at 70 beers.

#402

⇓

That means one more to break the record.

#403

⇓

- Come on. - Come on, you can do it!

#404

⇓

Go! Chug it! Chug it!

#405

⇓

Come on, come on, you can do it.

#406

⇓

You can do it! I believe in you!

#407

⇓

Yeah!

#408

⇓

Yeah, Dee, go!

#409

⇓

I did it!

#410

⇓

- 71 beers! Holy shit! - I'm the king.

#411

⇓

I'm the king, Boss Hoss.

#412

⇓

But you're not done yet.

#413

⇓

Yeah, no. Uh, Boggs didn't just drink enough beer to kill a horse.

#414

⇓

He also suited up the next day

#415

⇓

and went three for five, so you're gonna have to do that.

#416

⇓

Yeah, totally. All right...

#417

⇓

Uh, where's Dee?

#418

⇓

What?

#419

⇓

Okay, here we go, Charlie.

#420

⇓

You got to go at least three for 10, all right?

#421

⇓

You ready?

#422

⇓

Okay, I'm gonna put a little mustard on this one, all right?

#423

⇓

All right.

#424

⇓

Holy shit, dude!

#425

⇓

You roped that!

#426

⇓

- Wow! - All right, give me another one.

#427

⇓

You know, that's the only ball I have,

#428

⇓

and I didn't expect you to hit it that far.

#429

⇓

I really don't feel like going to get it.

#430

⇓

So, I'm the commissioner. I say you did it!

#431

⇓

Yeah!

#432

⇓

Hey, one for one... That's batting .1000, dude.

#433

⇓

Yeah!

#434

⇓

- Nice work! - Yeah!

#435

⇓

- Hey, man? - Yeah?

#436

⇓

It's kind of gloomy, huh?

#437

⇓

Yeah.

#438

⇓

Well, if we hurry up, we can get back to the airport

#439

⇓

and get a red-eye back to Philly.

#440

⇓

They got chicken, yeah!

#441

⇓

Hey, let's go grab a beer, huh?

#442

⇓

I'm talkin' baseball

#443

⇓

Kluszewski, Campanella

#444

⇓

Talkin' baseball

#445

⇓

The Man and Bobby Feller

#446

⇓

The Scooter, the Barber and the Newc

#447

⇓

They knew 'em all from Boston to Dubuque

#448

⇓

Especially Willie

#449

⇓

Mickey and the Duke

#450

⇓

Well, Casey was winning Hank Aaron was beginning

#451

⇓

One Robbie going out, one coming in

#452

⇓

Kiner and Midget Gaedel, the Thumper and Mel Parnell

#453

⇓

And Ike was the only one

#454

⇓

Winning down in Washington...

#455

⇓