Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E02 — The Gang Group Dates

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 2 — The Gang Group Dates

What do you mean you have a boyfriend?

#1

⇓

I mean, I have a boyfriend.

#2

⇓

Is it that hard to believe - I got a boyfriend? - His name's Ryan.

#3

⇓

How the hell did you get a boyfriend?

#4

⇓

I met him on Bunchers.

#5

⇓

Right, so you went on a group date with a bunch of ugly chicks

#6

⇓

to make yourself look good, and you tricked a guy.

#7

⇓

Yes, of course, that's exactly what I did,

#8

⇓

and it worked well, and now we're going steady.

#9

⇓

- That's a good trick. - Bunchers, sounds like the '70s.

#10

⇓

Bunch of people would get together.

#11

⇓

The next thing you know, it was all asses, and hands, and tits...

#12

⇓

I could slip right in and out without anybody noticing.

#13

⇓

- It was great. - I can definitely brush up on my game.

#14

⇓

I don't know if you guys noticed this, but like,

#15

⇓

I'm kind of having a hard time closing the deal with the Waitress.

#16

⇓

- Is he... - Yeah, we've noticed.

#17

⇓

Maybe I can go on some group dates with you, and you can show me some skills,

#18

⇓

and I can figure out the final move that I need to, you know...

#19

⇓

Oh, and let's do them at Paddy's.

#20

⇓

- We could make a bunch of money. - It's a good idea.

#21

⇓

- We can make a bunch of money. - Yeah!

#22

⇓

I'll tell you what. As an erotic man,

#23

⇓

I have been keeping my eye on this Bunchers situation,

#24

⇓

and I got to say, I'm into it. So I'll tell you what.

#25

⇓

I will take you two under my wing,

#26

⇓

- and show you the Dennis system in action. - Oh.

#27

⇓

Sounds great, and myself, I'm all tied down, so I can't participate,

#28

⇓

but I think it'd be great to jump in on this trend.

#29

⇓

Mmm-hmm. All right, here's to orgies.

#30

⇓

My darling, I

#31

⇓

Can't get enoughof your love, babe

#32

⇓

Girl, I don't know...

#33

⇓

Man, I'm really nervous. I'm, like, sweating through my pants.

#34

⇓

Yeah. Do you want some cheese?

#35

⇓

- Have you brought cheese? - Yeah, you need some?

#36

⇓

Yeah. Give me some.

#37

⇓

Right.

#38

⇓

- Oh. - Focus up, guys. Come on.

#39

⇓

- The girls are gonna be here soon, geez. - Right.

#40

⇓

- Why do you have a dog leash? - Oh.

#41

⇓

Good question. Yeah. It's for the first "D" in the Dennis system.

#42

⇓

See, the girls will see the leash,

#43

⇓

and I'll say, "I've got a rescue dog outside,"

#44

⇓

thereby, "D," demonstrating my value as a compassionate man.

#45

⇓

And later, when we go outside, the dog will be missing.

#46

⇓

I'll become hysterical and suggest that maybe

#47

⇓

the dog ran back to the apartment.

#48

⇓

And then we'll go back to the apartment.

#49

⇓

The dog won't be there either, and the girl will console me.

#50

⇓

With sex.

#51

⇓

- What happened to the dog? - He let it go.

#52

⇓

It probably got obliterated by a taxi or something.

#53

⇓

- I bet that's what happened. - No, no, no.

#54

⇓

There never was a dog.

#55

⇓

- Oh, my God! - Wait, wait, wait, wait. There was no dog?

#56

⇓

- I'm totally lost here. - It's a made-up scenario to...

#57

⇓

- Just follow my lead. - I thought we got a dog.

#58

⇓

Mac, Charlie, and Dennis?

#59

⇓

- Yes! Hi. - Good evening!

#60

⇓

Oh... What the hell?

#61

⇓

All right.

#62

⇓

Oh, I am gonna make a shitload of cash tonight.

#63

⇓

Which is good, because I just dropped a whole bunch of money

#64

⇓

on a new promise ring for my man.

#65

⇓

Oh, you're proposing? Good. Smart.

#66

⇓

Corral him, because God knows he'll never ask you.

#67

⇓

No, I'm not proposing.

#68

⇓

I'm promising my fidelity in our new relationship.

#69

⇓

I deactivated my Bunchers account,

#70

⇓

and I changed my Facebook status to "In a Relationship."

#71

⇓

Why would you do that?

#72

⇓

I told you, 'cause we're going steady. He's my main squeeze.

#73

⇓

You sound like a 12-year-old. It's a total turn-off.

#74

⇓

My cock ring is sliding off.

#75

⇓

Why my father is talking to me

#76

⇓

with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp.

#77

⇓

You got to be ready for when the orgy breaks out.

#78

⇓

Oh, shit.

#79

⇓

- It fell off. - Oh!

#80

⇓

Yeah, help me find it.

#81

⇓

It's the remixto Ignition

#82

⇓

Hot and fresh out the kitchen

#83

⇓

What, this guy? Oh, well, his name's Henry.

#84

⇓

- He's a dog. - He's a dog.

#85

⇓

Uh, yeah.

#86

⇓

Uh, named him after my grandfather, um, who I'm very, very close to.

#87

⇓

Henry's a great little guy, I tell you,

#88

⇓

when I snuggle up next to him on the couch, I'd swear that,

#89

⇓

he was the one who rescued me.

#90

⇓

Oh, that's so sweet.

#91

⇓

The Waitress got bit by a chow once, and I kicked the shit out of the thing.

#92

⇓

- You kicked a dog? - Yeah.

#93

⇓

- Well... - Uh, you know, for the Waitress.

#94

⇓

Who's the Waitress?

#95

⇓

- Nobody, nobody. - Oh, I'm sorry. No... Nobody?

#96

⇓

She's the woman I'm in love with. And I follow her around a lot,

#97

⇓

and she doesn't really give me the time of day.

#98

⇓

That's cool, though, 'cause I'm not gonna give up on her.

#99

⇓

You don't give up on something that beautiful.

#100

⇓

She's not beautiful. And everybody's banged her, except for me.

#101

⇓

She was like, "I wanna do hand stuff with you." I was like, "Ugh."

#102

⇓

Keep this up, man. Keep this up, see what happens.

#103

⇓

- What are you gonna do? - I will strike you down.

#104

⇓

I will strike you down!

#105

⇓

- You're gonna strike me down? - Hang on.

#106

⇓

See? That's a...

#107

⇓

- That's our thing. - They're doing a bit.

#108

⇓

Sorry, that was a joke.

#109

⇓

Do you guys wanna do something fun?

#110

⇓

- Oh, yeah. I do. - Yeah.

#111

⇓

Let's mix up the seating arrangement.

#112

⇓

- We'll mix up the seating arrangement. - Yeah. Kim,

#113

⇓

I'm detecting a little bit of a vibe from you,

#114

⇓

so why don't you come sit where he's sitting.

#115

⇓

- I'll move! - And you sit where she's sitting.

#116

⇓

- And I'll stay here. - No, you're gonna switch places

#117

⇓

with Becky. Right? Because while I don't particularly

#118

⇓

find you conventionally attractive, I do find you oddly sexy.

#119

⇓

Excuse me?

#120

⇓

That was a compliment. Um, sorry, that came out weird.

#121

⇓

Excuse me. You guys work here, right?

#122

⇓

- Yeah... - Can I get a drink?

#123

⇓

- Go ask one of the other ones. - What other ones?

#124

⇓

The other ones.

#125

⇓

The bird lady, the troll man. Ask them for a drink.

#126

⇓

- We're on a date. - Are you touching my leg?

#127

⇓

- Ah, he is engaging you physically. - Don't label it.

#128

⇓

You know what? You were supposed to want that,

#129

⇓

because he was supposed to tell the dog story

#130

⇓

to demonstrate his value, and I botched it.

#131

⇓

He has a system for women...

#132

⇓

Well, don't talk about the system. The system happens without them knowing.

#133

⇓

- There is no system. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#134

⇓

And there is no dog.

#135

⇓

The system is not a thing. The dog is a thing.

#136

⇓

Uh, guys, let's, um...

#137

⇓

Let's talk about something fun, that's fun for me.

#138

⇓

Don't move away from me.

#139

⇓

What are you doing? You're moving closer to the men

#140

⇓

who eat trash and bang transsexuals? Move close to me!

#141

⇓

Ryan? Hi!

#142

⇓

- How are you? - Dee!

#143

⇓

Oh, hey. What's up?

#144

⇓

Are you surprising me at work, you stinker?

#145

⇓

I love that! You're so cute. Guess what?

#146

⇓

I got you a little surprise, too.

#147

⇓

Yeah. I didn't know you worked here. It's so strange.

#148

⇓

Um, yeah, I'm actually on a Buncher.

#149

⇓

- Wait, what? - Yeah, they should be here any minute.

#150

⇓

- It was good seeing you. - Oh.

#151

⇓

- What do you got here? What's in the box? - No, that... That's just a...

#152

⇓

It's a cock ring.

#153

⇓

It's a cock ring, just from all my lovers.

#154

⇓

Oh. It's kind of small, huh?

#155

⇓

Well, it's my dad's.

#156

⇓

So...

#157

⇓

Huh. Weird.

#158

⇓

I'm breaking up with you.

#159

⇓

Right. Well, I didn't know that we were together.

#160

⇓

Look, can I get a beer?

#161

⇓

I got it bad

#162

⇓

We killed it, boys. We killed it. This was a great idea.

#163

⇓

Yeah, but the date sucked.

#164

⇓

No, I think the date went pretty well for me.

#165

⇓

It did suck for you guys, though.

#166

⇓

I imagine those girls are probably at their apartments right now,

#167

⇓

trying to figure out how to get in touch with me.

#168

⇓

Unbelievable. Goddamn son of a bitch. Buy you a promise ring,

#169

⇓

you're out flitting around, dating other people.

#170

⇓

I shouldn't have given this guy a five-star rating.

#171

⇓

He didn't deserve it, and then he used it against me!

#172

⇓

- What's this now? You're rating people? - Yeah, it's that site. Raters.

#173

⇓

Girls can rate guys they go on dates with.

#174

⇓

They rate them? Like...

#175

⇓

- What do you mean, like a star rating? - Yeah.

#176

⇓

I'm gonna take that guy's five-star rating, I'm gonna give him a zero.

#177

⇓

Hey, wait a second.

#178

⇓

Hang on a second. Are we rated on there?

#179

⇓

Yep.

#180

⇓

- We are? - What?

#181

⇓

Holy shit. Let me see.

#182

⇓

Oh! Wait.

#183

⇓

- One star? Out of five? - Yep.

#184

⇓

- No, no, no. - Oh, shit!

#185

⇓

- Me and Charlie got two stars! - Oh!

#186

⇓

- Nice! We're better than you, dude! - No, that's bullshit.

#187

⇓

No, the only reason I was rated one star

#188

⇓

is 'cause I was brought down by you two morons.

#189

⇓

I... I was a five-star man before the Internet,

#190

⇓

and I'm damn sure a five-star man now.

#191

⇓

I just got to drop the deadweight so I can shine.

#192

⇓

God damn it.

#193

⇓

God damn it.

#194

⇓

He's out. I'm in. Let's swing.

#195

⇓

Oh, this poor jerk has no idea

#196

⇓

he's about to get played like a goddamn guitar.

#197

⇓

- Only one guy? - Yeah.

#198

⇓

I'm doing Sparkers now. Isn't that what you're doing?

#199

⇓

I thought you got rid of Mac and Charlie.

#200

⇓

Yeah, no, I did, but, uh,

#201

⇓

I still wanted three girls. I like having the options.

#202

⇓

I'll just make some shit up about where the other guys are.

#203

⇓

Can I get a drink, please?

#204

⇓

No, not now. Ask one of the other ones.

#205

⇓

- Yeah. - The dirty one or the gay one.

#206

⇓

Frank, why do we have to be in here?

#207

⇓

We should be out there, gettin' our swings in, dude.

#208

⇓

Because we're not ready. We need a game plan.

#209

⇓

We can't risk losing our two-star rating.

#210

⇓

That's a good point. Don't wanna lose any stars.

#211

⇓

- Okay. - A good date is all about conversation.

#212

⇓

If we could master some pleasant banter and then punctuate it

#213

⇓

with a joke, we'd be in good shape.

#214

⇓

- Sounds easy enough. - Yeah, we can do that.

#215

⇓

Okay, all right.

#216

⇓

What are some of the things we could talk about?

#217

⇓

Ah. Creatine shits.

#218

⇓

Creatine shits?

#219

⇓

Yeah. Creatine is a workout supplement. It shows that I care about my body.

#220

⇓

What's shitting it out got to do with anything?

#221

⇓

That demonstrates an inside knowledge of the product.

#222

⇓

It shows that I'm not just mentioning it, I actually use it.

#223

⇓

No. I think we should avoid talking about muscles,

#224

⇓

and men's bodies, and shits.

#225

⇓

I mean, it sends the wrong message.

#226

⇓

We should also avoid talking about the Waitress, Charlie.

#227

⇓

Why? It's a super romantic thing to talk about.

#228

⇓

It's a love story for the ages.

#229

⇓

Yeah, I think you should actually bring it up.

#230

⇓

Also, who's gonna say grace? We should figure that out now.

#231

⇓

Wait, wait, wait, okay. Listen.

#232

⇓

Maybe we should concentrate on stuff not to talk about.

#233

⇓

So what, you're like a chiropractor or some shit?

#234

⇓

A spinal surgeon, actually.

#235

⇓

Cool. Yeah, cool. Oh, what, this?

#236

⇓

Henry. Henry the dog. He's lost. Probably dead.

#237

⇓

Look, let's cut to the chase.

#238

⇓

I like you. I like you very much.

#239

⇓

This is gonna happen. Cheers.

#240

⇓

Whoa!

#241

⇓

- That's strong. - Mmm.

#242

⇓

- I'm not much of a drinker. - No? I'll get two more.

#243

⇓

Hey. Hi.

#244

⇓

- Hi. - Hi.

#245

⇓

- Hi. - So, um...

#246

⇓

Where are the other guys?

#247

⇓

Oh, yeah... Fair enough. Yeah, no, the other guys got tied up.

#248

⇓

They couldn't make it, but fortunately, I possess all of their good qualities.

#249

⇓

All right.

#250

⇓

You know what, ladies? These things can be a bit awkward, right?

#251

⇓

- What do you say we do some shots? - Yes, please.

#252

⇓

Yeah, let's do it.

#253

⇓

Oh! What is that?

#254

⇓

What are you doing? Are you, are you rating me?

#255

⇓

No. No, I'm just checking my phone.

#256

⇓

Oh. That's cool. Cool.

#257

⇓

If you were to rate me, what would you put?

#258

⇓

- I don't know. I... - Oh.

#259

⇓

Well, you can't not know, right? I mean, that'd be... That's stupid.

#260

⇓

It's simple. It's one out of five.

#261

⇓

If it were a one out of five thing, and it is, what would you give me?

#262

⇓

The obvious five-star rating, or would you be a liar?

#263

⇓

Can we stop talking about ratings?

#264

⇓

Yeah. Of course we can.

#265

⇓

That's stupid, why would we even... Yeah.

#266

⇓

Oh, I have a rescue dog outside.

#267

⇓

- Okay. - That was jarring.

#268

⇓

There was no context for that. Sorry, sorry.

#269

⇓

I'm just... Sorry, my rhythm's a little bit, is a little bit off.

#270

⇓

I'm thrown because... I kind of wanna just...

#271

⇓

Can we just get the rating thing out of the way? I feel like it's a thing now...

#272

⇓

What's going on here, dude? Were there really other guys?

#273

⇓

Of course there were other guys.

#274

⇓

I don't like the way you asked me that. Switch with her.

#275

⇓

Oh, my God, you know what?

#276

⇓

- I think we're gonna go. - Okay, fine.

#277

⇓

Then I don't want you to rate me. That's not what I want anymore.

#278

⇓

I was never gonna rate you in the first place. But now, I definitely am.

#279

⇓

- Oh. How many stars? - Oh, my God!

#280

⇓

God.

#281

⇓

Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.

#282

⇓

Uh, we can't talk about snakes or smells? What else is there?

#283

⇓

- Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? - What?

#284

⇓

I feel like we got to get it out in the open.

#285

⇓

Would you leave the Jews out of it?

#286

⇓

No, because they have their "J" sites,

#287

⇓

'cause they don't wanna be with us as much as we don't wanna be with them.

#288

⇓

- I don't support any of that. - No, no, that... That...

#289

⇓

I'm sorry, I'm concerned that the person I'm gonna be dating

#290

⇓

killed the savior of the world. That's all! That's all...

#291

⇓

Put religion in the "no."

#292

⇓

- Let's switch gears and go to the joke. - Yeah.

#293

⇓

Oh, oh! I got a great one about a dago fisherman.

#294

⇓

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

#295

⇓

Ethnic jokes are really dicey. You can't do that.

#296

⇓

You got to keep it light.

#297

⇓

Like, uh, a cowboy and a teacher walk into a bar.

#298

⇓

Yeah, but that doesn't make sense, 'cause cowboys hate teachers.

#299

⇓

Cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves.

#300

⇓

All right, look. I think we're gettin' bogged down here.

#301

⇓

Why don't we just go out and do a dry run with some broads

#302

⇓

and see how we do on our feet?

#303

⇓

Okay, but what about our stars? I mean...

#304

⇓

If things go wrong, I'll blow this whistle and call the date

#305

⇓

before they have a chance to get to know us.

#306

⇓

- Mmm. - Let's just keep it simple.

#307

⇓

Let's just start with our names.

#308

⇓

Hi, ladies. I'm Frack. Shit!

#309

⇓

Now I'm a half a star?

#310

⇓

Half a star? How does a five-star man get...

#311

⇓

Is it... You know what? It's these group dates.

#312

⇓

That's what's doing it. There's too many variables.

#313

⇓

The girls feel too safe. I got to get 'em in a one-on-one scenario.

#314

⇓

Sorry, I've got to get to work at the hospital.

#315

⇓

- The hospital. Do you? - Yeah.

#316

⇓

- I've never had a one-night stand before. - Hmm.

#317

⇓

I hope this isn't that.

#318

⇓

Oh, no! I'm gonna call you. Okay.

#319

⇓

Call you one star, bitch. Ha!

#320

⇓

Pass me that computer.

#321

⇓

What are you doing? One star? That guy was awesome.

#322

⇓

- Is he a doctor? - Yeah, he was a doctor and super hot.

#323

⇓

This feels good.

#324

⇓

Okay, you know what? You're a heartless pig.

#325

⇓

That's what's happening. You lead a man on, you have sex with him,

#326

⇓

and you just throw him in the trash?

#327

⇓

You've been doing that to women for years.

#328

⇓

Yes, but I don't rate them online for everyone to see.

#329

⇓

Don't all your sex tapes have star ratings?

#330

⇓

Yeah, but that's different. That doesn't go on the Internet.

#331

⇓

That's just for me.

#332

⇓

- And Mac. And Charlie. - Okay. You know what?

#333

⇓

It doesn't matter. It's my turn. This is my time. It's Dee's time.

#334

⇓

I even have my own system. The Dee system.

#335

⇓

Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.

#336

⇓

Increase is spelled with an "I."

#337

⇓

Okay, well, then, uh...

#338

⇓

- Infuriate them when they find out... - Another "I."

#339

⇓

Empower. It doesn't... The word doesn't matter.

#340

⇓

It's the system, ah...

#341

⇓

- I don't care about you. - You know what? This is the problem.

#342

⇓

You can't even spell, much less come up with a decent system,

#343

⇓

and now your slapdash opinions

#344

⇓

are gonna be thrown across the Internet for everyone to see.

#345

⇓

These ratings, they follow a man around. They're gonna ruin this man's reputation.

#346

⇓

Well, sucks to be him.

#347

⇓

But the thing about a rating is you don't know the quality

#348

⇓

of the person who's giving the rating, right?

#349

⇓

For instance, some dum-dum goes into a Morton's Steakhouse.

#350

⇓

She orders a steak well-done

#351

⇓

and then complains when the damn thing comes out and it's too dry.

#352

⇓

Well, it's like, "Hey, dum-dum, you ordered the damn thing well-done.

#353

⇓

"That's why it's dry, you stupid idiot."

#354

⇓

Not bad. A little stiff.

#355

⇓

Got tripped up on the conversation portion, but we're improving.

#356

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - Hey.

#357

⇓

- Oh, hey. How'd your date go? - Not great. She ditched me.

#358

⇓

Yeah, this rating thing. It's messing with my head. It's throwing my game off.

#359

⇓

I think I need to target some more undesirable women.

#360

⇓

Pick up some easy stars.

#361

⇓

- I think that'll get me out of this funk. - Yeah.

#362

⇓

We made it past introductions.

#363

⇓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, and...

#364

⇓

Wow, check out Dee, man. She's killing it!

#365

⇓

- She's got it down! - Forget her.

#366

⇓

- Let's get back on the horse. - All right.

#367

⇓

Come on.

#368

⇓

- So you guys own this bar? - Officially, yes.

#369

⇓

Unofficially, we're so much more.

#370

⇓

I like to think of us as mercenaries, a strike force, actually.

#371

⇓

Frank's management.

#372

⇓

I'm security. Charlie bashes rats.

#373

⇓

I don't really bash them so much as I start to drown them these days

#374

⇓

so I don't have to listen to the screams.

#375

⇓

He's a five-star dog 'cause I wouldn't rescue

#376

⇓

a four-star or a three-star dog, certainly not a half-star dog.

#377

⇓

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

#378

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung

#379

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

#380

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

#381

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung

#382

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung...

#383

⇓

Oh!

#384

⇓

Oh, I like cats, too. I have 80 of them that live in my alleyway.

#385

⇓

Too many cats. Sounds strange.

#386

⇓

I have eight cats that sleep in my sink.

#387

⇓

Still too many.

#388

⇓

I don't have any cats, but I sure do enjoy them.

#389

⇓

I mean, half a star?

#390

⇓

It doesn't change the five-star man, who he is.

#391

⇓

I'm a five-star man! I'm a five-star man!

#392

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung

#393

⇓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

#394

⇓

- Mr. Sandman - Yes?

#395

⇓

I'm a five-star man!

#396

⇓

With a come hither gleam

#397

⇓

One. One. One.

#398

⇓

One. One. One.

#399

⇓

Please, Mr. Sandman

#400

⇓

One. One. One. One.

#401

⇓

I'm a five-star man!

#402

⇓

- Hello, Dennis. - Hi. Hi.

#403

⇓

Thank you so much for coming, uh... Please, sit.

#404

⇓

So what do you want?

#405

⇓

Frankly, I've hit a bit of a rough patch,

#406

⇓

and it's made me realize that I have not been the best to women.

#407

⇓

You included. I've manipulated. I've judged.

#408

⇓

I've ignored your feelings for pursuits of the flesh.

#409

⇓

But now I know what it feels like to be completely unwanted, like you.

#410

⇓

And it doesn't feel good.

#411

⇓

Oh, that's really big of you to say.

#412

⇓

This is for you.

#413

⇓

- My God, are you proposing? - No. No, no.

#414

⇓

No. I'm not proposing.

#415

⇓

I would never, uh...

#416

⇓

No, this is, um... It's a promise ring.

#417

⇓

- Oh. - So, from now on, Waitress,

#418

⇓

I promise to be nice and true.

#419

⇓

I have a name.

#420

⇓

- Do you want the ring or not? - I do, yes. Thank you.

#421

⇓

Wow! Thank you.

#422

⇓

And in return, of course,

#423

⇓

I would ask that you promise something to me.

#424

⇓

- To be your girlfriend. - No!

#425

⇓

No. Stop, okay?

#426

⇓

Don't do that.

#427

⇓

I just need you to give me a good rating on an Internet website.

#428

⇓

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

#429

⇓

- Yeah? - Yeah.

#430

⇓

That would mean so much to me. It really would.

#431

⇓

- Okay. I, um... - Thank you.

#432

⇓

I don't have online, though.

#433

⇓

What does that... You "don't have online"?

#434

⇓

- No. - What the hell does that... Just...

#435

⇓

You can just go on your phone and do it on your phone.

#436

⇓

My phone is... It's so old!

#437

⇓

Oh, my God! That phone is preposterous! How long have you had that?

#438

⇓

- Nine... Ninety... - Ninety?

#439

⇓

How do you get on the Internet?

#440

⇓

I don't. I mean, I don't do, like, the e-mails...

#441

⇓

"The e-mails"? It's e-mail. It's just e-mail.

#442

⇓

Who doesn't have the Internet in this day and age?

#443

⇓

What am I doing?

#444

⇓

Why am I lowering myself to this? I don't need your approval. Goddamn.

#445

⇓

I don't need anyone's approval. This is stupid.

#446

⇓

What are you doing, huh? You rating me right now?

#447

⇓

Well, guess what? Go ahead, rate me. 'Cause I'll rate you, huh?

#448

⇓

Go ahead, rate me! I don't give a shit!

#449

⇓

Rate... I'll rate you! Zero, zero, zero rate!

#450

⇓

- Sir, you need to leave, okay? - Rate!

#451

⇓

- You need to leave, okay? - Zero, zero!

#452

⇓

I will rate every single woman in this restaurant!

#453

⇓

- So he had the mule... - But he forgot the water.

#454

⇓

Then the guy looks up and he says, "Wait a second. Where am I? In Ohio?"

#455

⇓

You guys are so funny.

#456

⇓

- Oh, thanks, thanks. - Yeah.

#457

⇓

Can you give us a second?

#458

⇓

Holy shit, dude. We've never gotten this far!

#459

⇓

These girls are ready to bang.

#460

⇓

What do we say? What do we do?

#461

⇓

We're gonna have to go off-script.

#462

⇓

No, no, Frank, blow the whistle! Call it, call it.

#463

⇓

- We gotta bail. - What, are you kidding me?

#464

⇓

Are you crazy? We've come too far to call it!

#465

⇓

Uh, my stomach's killing me. Should we talk about that?

#466

⇓

- No, no. - I got the shits.

#467

⇓

No. Not good! Try another joke, quick!

#468

⇓

Another joke? I got it.

#469

⇓

Ladies, got another one for you.

#470

⇓

- There's this dago fisherman... - Oh, shit!

#471

⇓

What? No.

#472

⇓

No, no, Charlie. Charlie, we got it...

#473

⇓

Oh, shit! There goes my cock ring!

#474

⇓

His cock ring fell!

#475

⇓

Yeah, I got the power, girls. Yeah, you think you can rate me? Bullshit!

#476

⇓

Rate, zero! Zero! Zero rating!

#477

⇓

Zero rating! Ha-ha!

#478

⇓

Yeah, I got the power! How does it feel, ladies?

#479

⇓

I don't give a shit. Yeah!

#480

⇓

Get the hell out of here! You know what?

#481

⇓

I want every single lady in here out of here!

#482

⇓

Where... Where are all the ladies?

#483

⇓

Oh, you know, the crowd's kinda been thinning out.

#484

⇓

I think it's because we haven't really been tending bar.

#485

⇓

Well, there's still a bunch of dudes here.

#486

⇓

Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes here, 'cause I'm crushing it.

#487

⇓

They're all here to get Dee'd. The most empowered woman in Philly.

#488

⇓

They all do seem to be into her.

#489

⇓

- Hey, Dee. - Mmm.

#490

⇓

You again? Listen. I'm not gonna change your rating.

#491

⇓

Just be grateful for the time we had together and beat it.

#492

⇓

Actually, I was hoping to hang out again.

#493

⇓

Yeah? I bet you do. It's 'cause I gave you one star. I played you.

#494

⇓

I don't need stars. I was just hoping to get laid again.

#495

⇓

- What? - Hey, Dee.

#496

⇓

Any chance I could get Dee'd again?

#497

⇓

No, you're upset. Aren't you upset?

#498

⇓

You're upset about the zero rating I gave you.

#499

⇓

No. You could rate me lower if you like.

#500

⇓

Hey, are you the whore who bangs everybody?

#501

⇓

No, I'm not the whore. I...

#502

⇓

I'm the empowered woman who gives poor ratings to men.

#503

⇓

Yeah, sure. Can I get a rating?

#504

⇓

No! Why would you want that from me?

#505

⇓

What's going on? Get out of here! All three of you! Get out!

#506

⇓

Okay, yeah, guys, go ahead. Go, go, go, go, go.

#507

⇓

I understand, okay? I think I know what's happening here.

#508

⇓

Guys?

#509

⇓

We've lost sight of what's truly important.

#510

⇓

You can't derive your self-worth from the opinions of others.

#511

⇓

No! No, you get your self-worth from when you convince yourself

#512

⇓

that you're tough and that you're straight.

#513

⇓

I am tough.

#514

⇓

Sure, yes, absolutely.

#515

⇓

Or that you have got a shot with a woman who we've all banged, but who hates you.

#516

⇓

Right. You're saying that I'm getting closer. Nice. I got a shot.

#517

⇓

Yeah, you're getting close, buddy. You'll get there.

#518

⇓

- Or you... - Hmm?

#519

⇓

...that your penis could ever possibly remain erect

#520

⇓

for more than a couple of seconds, even with a cock ring on.

#521

⇓

- Hmm. - Or that you are a powerful woman,

#522

⇓

instead of a dirty, dirty whore, who bangs toad people.

#523

⇓

Yeah, guys, guys, guys.

#524

⇓

Your true power comes not from outside sources,

#525

⇓

but from the delusional stories that you all convince yourselves of.

#526

⇓

And no one, no one can take that away from you.

#527

⇓

Wow.

#528

⇓

- And what about you? - Me? What about me?

#529

⇓

I'm good, man. I've been doing great.

#530

⇓

Yeah, this whole thing's been great for me.

#531

⇓

Well, that's good, because you're down to zero stars.

#532

⇓

- Oh, is he? - Yeah, down to zero.

#533

⇓

I don't give a shit about that, you know? The star rating thing is not...

#534

⇓

- Can I see that for a second? - Yeah.

#535

⇓

Let me see that, yeah. Oh.

#536

⇓

- Yeah, you know... - Whoa!

#537

⇓

God damn it! God damn it! You son of a bitch!

#538

⇓

My darling, I

#539

⇓

Can't get enough of your love, babe

#540

⇓

Girl, I don't know I don't know why

#541

⇓

I can't get enough of your love, babe

#542

⇓

Oh, some things I can't get used to

#543

⇓

No matter how I try

#544

⇓

It's like the more you give, the more I want

#545

⇓

And baby, that's no lie

#546

⇓

Oh, no, babe

#547

⇓