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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E02 — The Gang Group Dates

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 2 — The Gang Group Dates

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Group Dates

Air date: January 21, 2015

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang gets into the online dating scene to expand their matchmaking potential.

Source: TMDB

↓

What do you mean you have a boyfriend?

boyfriend

↓

I mean, I have a boyfriend.

boyfriend

↓

Is it that hard to believe - I got a boyfriend? - His name's Ryan.

believe boyfriend hard names ryan

↓

How the hell did you get a boyfriend?

boyfriend

↓

I met him on Bunchers.

↓

Right, so you went on a group date with a bunch of ugly chicks

bunch chicks date group ugly

↓

to make yourself look good, and you tricked a guy.

tricked

↓

Yes, of course, that's exactly what I did,

course

↓

and it worked well, and now we're going steady.

steady worked

↓

- That's a good trick. - Bunchers, sounds like the '70s.

sounds trick

↓

Bunch of people would get together.

bunch

↓

The next thing you know, it was all asses, and hands, and tits...

asses hands tits

↓

I could slip right in and out without anybody noticing.

anybody noticing slip

↓

- It was great. - I can definitely brush up on my game.

brush game

↓

I don't know if you guys noticed this, but like,

noticed

↓

I'm kind of having a hard time closing the deal with the Waitress.

closing deal hard having waitress

↓

- Is he... - Yeah, we've noticed.

noticed

↓

Maybe I can go on some group dates with you, and you can show me some skills,

dates group skills

↓

and I can figure out the final move that I need to, you know...

figure final

↓

Oh, and let's do them at Paddy's.

paddys

↓

- We could make a bunch of money. - It's a good idea.

bunch idea money

↓

- We can make a bunch of money. - Yeah!

bunch money

↓

I'll tell you what. As an erotic man,

erotic

↓

I have been keeping my eye on this Bunchers situation,

keeping situation

↓

and I got to say, I'm into it. So I'll tell you what.

↓

I will take you two under my wing,

wing

↓

- and show you the Dennis system in action. - Oh.

action dennis system

↓

Sounds great, and myself, I'm all tied down, so I can't participate,

participate sounds tied

↓

but I think it'd be great to jump in on this trend.

jump trend

↓

Mmm-hmm. All right, here's to orgies.

↓

My darling, I

darling

↓

Can't get enoughof your love, babe

babe love

↓

Girl, I don't know...

girl

↓

Man, I'm really nervous. I'm, like, sweating through my pants.

nervous pants sweating

↓

Yeah. Do you want some cheese?

cheese

↓

- Have you brought cheese? - Yeah, you need some?

brought cheese

↓

Yeah. Give me some.

↓

Right.

↓

- Oh. - Focus up, guys. Come on.

focus

↓

- The girls are gonna be here soon, geez. - Right.

geez girls

↓

- Why do you have a dog leash? - Oh.

leash

↓

Good question. Yeah. It's for the first "D" in the Dennis system.

dennis question system

↓

See, the girls will see the leash,

girls leash

↓

and I'll say, "I've got a rescue dog outside,"

rescue

↓

thereby, "D," demonstrating my value as a compassionate man.

compassionate demonstrating thereby value

↓

And later, when we go outside, the dog will be missing.

missing

↓

I'll become hysterical and suggest that maybe

become hysterical suggest

↓

the dog ran back to the apartment.

apartment

↓

And then we'll go back to the apartment.

apartment

↓

The dog won't be there either, and the girl will console me.

console girl

↓

With sex.

↓

- What happened to the dog? - He let it go.

happened

↓

It probably got obliterated by a taxi or something.

taxi

↓

- I bet that's what happened. - No, no, no.

happened

↓

There never was a dog.

↓

- Oh, my God! - Wait, wait, wait, wait. There was no dog?

↓

- I'm totally lost here. - It's a made-up scenario to...

lost scenario

↓

- Just follow my lead. - I thought we got a dog.

follow lead

↓

Mac, Charlie, and Dennis?

charlie dennis

↓

- Yes! Hi. - Good evening!

evening

↓

Oh... What the hell?

↓

All right.

↓

Oh, I am gonna make a shitload of cash tonight.

cash shitload tonight

↓

Which is good, because I just dropped a whole bunch of money

bunch dropped money whole whole-bunch

↓

on a new promise ring for my man.

promise ring

↓

Oh, you're proposing? Good. Smart.

proposing smart

↓

Corral him, because God knows he'll never ask you.

knows

↓

No, I'm not proposing.

proposing

↓

I'm promising my fidelity in our new relationship.

promising relationship

↓

I deactivated my Bunchers account,

account

↓

and I changed my Facebook status to "In a Relationship."

changed facebook relationship status

↓

Why would you do that?

↓

I told you, 'cause we're going steady. He's my main squeeze.

main squeeze steady

↓

You sound like a 12-year-old. It's a total turn-off.

sound total

↓

My cock ring is sliding off.

cock cock-ring ring sliding

↓

Why my father is talking to me

father

↓

with a cinch around his penis is beyond my grasp.

beyond grasp penis

↓

You got to be ready for when the orgy breaks out.

breaks orgy ready

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

- It fell off. - Oh!

fell

↓

Yeah, help me find it.

↓

It's the remixto Ignition

ignition

↓

Hot and fresh out the kitchen

fresh kitchen

↓

What, this guy? Oh, well, his name's Henry.

henry names

↓

- He's a dog. - He's a dog.

↓

Uh, yeah.

↓

Uh, named him after my grandfather, um, who I'm very, very close to.

close grandfather named

↓

Henry's a great little guy, I tell you,

↓

when I snuggle up next to him on the couch, I'd swear that,

couch snuggle swear

↓

he was the one who rescued me.

rescued

↓

Oh, that's so sweet.

sweet

↓

The Waitress got bit by a chow once, and I kicked the shit out of the thing.

chow kicked waitress

↓

- You kicked a dog? - Yeah.

kicked

↓

- Well... - Uh, you know, for the Waitress.

waitress

↓

Who's the Waitress?

waitress

↓

- Nobody, nobody. - Oh, I'm sorry. No... Nobody?

nobody

↓

She's the woman I'm in love with. And I follow her around a lot,

follow love woman

↓

and she doesn't really give me the time of day.

↓

That's cool, though, 'cause I'm not gonna give up on her.

cool

↓

You don't give up on something that beautiful.

↓

She's not beautiful. And everybody's banged her, except for me.

banged everybodys except

↓

She was like, "I wanna do hand stuff with you." I was like, "Ugh."

hand hand-stuff stuff

↓

Keep this up, man. Keep this up, see what happens.

happens

↓

- What are you gonna do? - I will strike you down.

strike

↓

I will strike you down!

strike

↓

- You're gonna strike me down? - Hang on.

hang strike

↓

See? That's a...

↓

- That's our thing. - They're doing a bit.

↓

Sorry, that was a joke.

joke

↓

Do you guys wanna do something fun?

fun

↓

- Oh, yeah. I do. - Yeah.

↓

Let's mix up the seating arrangement.

arrangement

↓

- We'll mix up the seating arrangement. - Yeah. Kim,

arrangement

↓

I'm detecting a little bit of a vibe from you,

vibe

↓

so why don't you come sit where he's sitting.

sitting

↓

- I'll move! - And you sit where she's sitting.

sitting

↓

- And I'll stay here. - No, you're gonna switch places

places switch

↓

with Becky. Right? Because while I don't particularly

becky particularly

↓

find you conventionally attractive, I do find you oddly sexy.

attractive oddly sexy

↓

Excuse me?

excuse

↓

That was a compliment. Um, sorry, that came out weird.

compliment weird

↓

Excuse me. You guys work here, right?

excuse

↓

- Yeah... - Can I get a drink?

drink

↓

- Go ask one of the other ones. - What other ones?

ones

↓

The other ones.

ones

↓

The bird lady, the troll man. Ask them for a drink.

bird drink lady troll

↓

- We're on a date. - Are you touching my leg?

date touching

↓

- Ah, he is engaging you physically. - Don't label it.

label physically

↓

You know what? You were supposed to want that,

supposed

↓

because he was supposed to tell the dog story

story supposed

↓

to demonstrate his value, and I botched it.

botched demonstrate value

↓

He has a system for women...

system women

↓

Well, don't talk about the system. The system happens without them knowing.

happens knowing system

↓

- There is no system. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

system

↓

And there is no dog.

↓

The system is not a thing. The dog is a thing.

system

↓

Uh, guys, let's, um...

↓

Let's talk about something fun, that's fun for me.

fun

↓

Don't move away from me.

↓

What are you doing? You're moving closer to the men

closer moving

↓

who eat trash and bang transsexuals? Move close to me!

bang close trash

↓

Ryan? Hi!

ryan

↓

- How are you? - Dee!

↓

Oh, hey. What's up?

↓

Are you surprising me at work, you stinker?

stinker surprising

↓

I love that! You're so cute. Guess what?

cute love

↓

I got you a little surprise, too.

surprise

↓

Yeah. I didn't know you worked here. It's so strange.

strange worked

↓

Um, yeah, I'm actually on a Buncher.

↓

- Wait, what? - Yeah, they should be here any minute.

minute

↓

- It was good seeing you. - Oh.

seeing

↓

- What do you got here? What's in the box? - No, that... That's just a...

↓

It's a cock ring.

cock cock-ring ring

↓

It's a cock ring, just from all my lovers.

cock cock-ring lovers ring

↓

Oh. It's kind of small, huh?

↓

Well, it's my dad's.

dads

↓

So...

↓

Huh. Weird.

weird

↓

I'm breaking up with you.

breaking

↓

Right. Well, I didn't know that we were together.

↓

Look, can I get a beer?

beer

↓

I got it bad

↓

We killed it, boys. We killed it. This was a great idea.

boys idea killed

↓

Yeah, but the date sucked.

date date-sucked sucked

↓

No, I think the date went pretty well for me.

date

↓

It did suck for you guys, though.

suck

↓

I imagine those girls are probably at their apartments right now,

apartments girls imagine

↓

trying to figure out how to get in touch with me.

figure touch

↓

Unbelievable. Goddamn son of a bitch. Buy you a promise ring,

bitch goddamn promise ring unbelievable

↓

you're out flitting around, dating other people.

dating

↓

I shouldn't have given this guy a five-star rating.

five five-star given rating star star-rating

↓

He didn't deserve it, and then he used it against me!

deserve used

↓

- What's this now? You're rating people? - Yeah, it's that site. Raters.

rating site

↓

Girls can rate guys they go on dates with.

dates girls rate

↓

They rate them? Like...

rate

↓

- What do you mean, like a star rating? - Yeah.

rating star star-rating

↓

I'm gonna take that guy's five-star rating, I'm gonna give him a zero.

five five-star rating star star-rating zero

↓

Hey, wait a second.

second

↓

Hang on a second. Are we rated on there?

hang rated second

↓

Yep.

↓

- We are? - What?

↓

Holy shit. Let me see.

holy

↓

Oh! Wait.

↓

- One star? Out of five? - Yep.

five star

↓

- No, no, no. - Oh, shit!

↓

- Me and Charlie got two stars! - Oh!

charlie stars

↓

- Nice! We're better than you, dude! - No, that's bullshit.

bullshit

↓

No, the only reason I was rated one star

rated reason star

↓

is 'cause I was brought down by you two morons.

brought morons

↓

I... I was a five-star man before the Internet,

five five-star internet star

↓

and I'm damn sure a five-star man now.

five five-star star

↓

I just got to drop the deadweight so I can shine.

drop shine

↓

God damn it.

↓

God damn it.

↓

He's out. I'm in. Let's swing.

swing

↓

Oh, this poor jerk has no idea

idea jerk poor

↓

he's about to get played like a goddamn guitar.

goddamn guitar played

↓

- Only one guy? - Yeah.

↓

I'm doing Sparkers now. Isn't that what you're doing?

↓

I thought you got rid of Mac and Charlie.

charlie

↓

Yeah, no, I did, but, uh,

↓

I still wanted three girls. I like having the options.

girls having options three three-girls wanted

↓

I'll just make some shit up about where the other guys are.

↓

Can I get a drink, please?

drink

↓

No, not now. Ask one of the other ones.

ones

↓

- Yeah. - The dirty one or the gay one.

dirty

↓

Frank, why do we have to be in here?

frank

↓

We should be out there, gettin' our swings in, dude.

gettin swings

↓

Because we're not ready. We need a game plan.

game game-plan plan ready

↓

We can't risk losing our two-star rating.

losing rating risk star star-rating

↓

That's a good point. Don't wanna lose any stars.

lose point stars

↓

- Okay. - A good date is all about conversation.

conversation date

↓

If we could master some pleasant banter and then punctuate it

banter master pleasant

↓

with a joke, we'd be in good shape.

joke shape

↓

- Sounds easy enough. - Yeah, we can do that.

easy sounds

↓

Okay, all right.

↓

What are some of the things we could talk about?

↓

Ah. Creatine shits.

shits

↓

Creatine shits?

shits

↓

Yeah. Creatine is a workout supplement. It shows that I care about my body.

body care shows supplement workout

↓

What's shitting it out got to do with anything?

shitting

↓

That demonstrates an inside knowledge of the product.

knowledge product

↓

It shows that I'm not just mentioning it, I actually use it.

shows

↓

No. I think we should avoid talking about muscles,

avoid muscles

↓

and men's bodies, and shits.

bodies mens shits

↓

I mean, it sends the wrong message.

message sends

↓

We should also avoid talking about the Waitress, Charlie.

avoid charlie waitress

↓

Why? It's a super romantic thing to talk about.

romantic super

↓

It's a love story for the ages.

ages love love-story story

↓

Yeah, I think you should actually bring it up.

bring

↓

Also, who's gonna say grace? We should figure that out now.

figure grace

↓

Wait, wait, wait, okay. Listen.

↓

Maybe we should concentrate on stuff not to talk about.

concentrate stuff

↓

So what, you're like a chiropractor or some shit?

chiropractor

↓

A spinal surgeon, actually.

spinal surgeon

↓

Cool. Yeah, cool. Oh, what, this?

cool

↓

Henry. Henry the dog. He's lost. Probably dead.

dead henry lost

↓

Look, let's cut to the chase.

chase

↓

I like you. I like you very much.

↓

This is gonna happen. Cheers.

cheers happen

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

- That's strong. - Mmm.

strong

↓

- I'm not much of a drinker. - No? I'll get two more.

drinker

↓

Hey. Hi.

↓

- Hi. - Hi.

↓

- Hi. - So, um...

↓

Where are the other guys?

↓

Oh, yeah... Fair enough. Yeah, no, the other guys got tied up.

fair tied

↓

They couldn't make it, but fortunately, I possess all of their good qualities.

fortunately qualities

↓

All right.

↓

You know what, ladies? These things can be a bit awkward, right?

awkward ladies

↓

- What do you say we do some shots? - Yes, please.

shots

↓

Yeah, let's do it.

↓

Oh! What is that?

↓

What are you doing? Are you, are you rating me?

rating

↓

No. No, I'm just checking my phone.

checking phone

↓

Oh. That's cool. Cool.

cool cool-cool

↓

If you were to rate me, what would you put?

rate

↓

- I don't know. I... - Oh.

↓

Well, you can't not know, right? I mean, that'd be... That's stupid.

stupid thatd

↓

It's simple. It's one out of five.

five simple

↓

If it were a one out of five thing, and it is, what would you give me?

five

↓

The obvious five-star rating, or would you be a liar?

five five-star liar obvious rating star star-rating

↓

Can we stop talking about ratings?

ratings

↓

Yeah. Of course we can.

course

↓

That's stupid, why would we even... Yeah.

stupid

↓

Oh, I have a rescue dog outside.

rescue

↓

- Okay. - That was jarring.

↓

There was no context for that. Sorry, sorry.

context

↓

I'm just... Sorry, my rhythm's a little bit, is a little bit off.

↓

I'm thrown because... I kind of wanna just...

thrown

↓

Can we just get the rating thing out of the way? I feel like it's a thing now...

rating

↓

What's going on here, dude? Were there really other guys?

↓

Of course there were other guys.

course

↓

I don't like the way you asked me that. Switch with her.

asked switch

↓

Oh, my God, you know what?

↓

- I think we're gonna go. - Okay, fine.

↓

Then I don't want you to rate me. That's not what I want anymore.

anymore rate

↓

I was never gonna rate you in the first place. But now, I definitely am.

place rate

↓

- Oh. How many stars? - Oh, my God!

stars

↓

God.

↓

Looks like the spider caught herself a fly.

caught spider

↓

Uh, we can't talk about snakes or smells? What else is there?

smells snakes

↓

- Uh, can you put Jews in the "yes" column? - What?

jews

↓

I feel like we got to get it out in the open.

open

↓

Would you leave the Jews out of it?

jews

↓

No, because they have their "J" sites,

sites

↓

'cause they don't wanna be with us as much as we don't wanna be with them.

↓

- I don't support any of that. - No, no, that... That...

support

↓

I'm sorry, I'm concerned that the person I'm gonna be dating

concerned dating person

↓

killed the savior of the world. That's all! That's all...

killed savior world

↓

Put religion in the "no."

religion

↓

- Let's switch gears and go to the joke. - Yeah.

gears joke switch

↓

Oh, oh! I got a great one about a dago fisherman.

fisherman

↓

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

↓

Ethnic jokes are really dicey. You can't do that.

ethnic jokes

↓

You got to keep it light.

light

↓

Like, uh, a cowboy and a teacher walk into a bar.

cowboy teacher walk

↓

Yeah, but that doesn't make sense, 'cause cowboys hate teachers.

cowboys hate sense teachers

↓

Cowboys are independent thinkers who like to learn for themselves.

cowboys independent learn

↓

All right, look. I think we're gettin' bogged down here.

gettin

↓

Why don't we just go out and do a dry run with some broads

broads

↓

and see how we do on our feet?

feet

↓

Okay, but what about our stars? I mean...

stars

↓

If things go wrong, I'll blow this whistle and call the date

blow date whistle

↓

before they have a chance to get to know us.

chance

↓

- Mmm. - Let's just keep it simple.

simple

↓

Let's just start with our names.

names start

↓

Hi, ladies. I'm Frack. Shit!

ladies

↓

Now I'm a half a star?

half star

↓

Half a star? How does a five-star man get...

five five-star half star

↓

Is it... You know what? It's these group dates.

dates group

↓

That's what's doing it. There's too many variables.

↓

The girls feel too safe. I got to get 'em in a one-on-one scenario.

girls safe scenario

↓

Sorry, I've got to get to work at the hospital.

hospital

↓

- The hospital. Do you? - Yeah.

hospital

↓

- I've never had a one-night stand before. - Hmm.

night night-stand stand

↓

I hope this isn't that.

hope

↓

Oh, no! I'm gonna call you. Okay.

↓

Call you one star, bitch. Ha!

bitch star

↓

Pass me that computer.

computer pass

↓

What are you doing? One star? That guy was awesome.

awesome star

↓

- Is he a doctor? - Yeah, he was a doctor and super hot.

doctor super

↓

This feels good.

feels

↓

Okay, you know what? You're a heartless pig.

heartless

↓

That's what's happening. You lead a man on, you have sex with him,

lead

↓

and you just throw him in the trash?

throw trash

↓

You've been doing that to women for years.

women years

↓

Yes, but I don't rate them online for everyone to see.

online rate

↓

Don't all your sex tapes have star ratings?

ratings star tapes

↓

Yeah, but that's different. That doesn't go on the Internet.

internet

↓

That's just for me.

↓

- And Mac. And Charlie. - Okay. You know what?

charlie

↓

It doesn't matter. It's my turn. This is my time. It's Dee's time.

dees matter

↓

I even have my own system. The Dee system.

system

↓

Do them. Establish low rating. Increase power.

establish increase power rating

↓

Increase is spelled with an "I."

increase spelled

↓

Okay, well, then, uh...

↓

- Infuriate them when they find out... - Another "I."

another

↓

Empower. It doesn't... The word doesn't matter.

matter word

↓

It's the system, ah...

system

↓

- I don't care about you. - You know what? This is the problem.

care problem

↓

You can't even spell, much less come up with a decent system,

decent less spell system

↓

and now your slapdash opinions

opinions

↓

are gonna be thrown across the Internet for everyone to see.

internet thrown

↓

These ratings, they follow a man around. They're gonna ruin this man's reputation.

follow mans ratings reputation ruin

↓

Well, sucks to be him.

sucks

↓

But the thing about a rating is you don't know the quality

quality rating

↓

of the person who's giving the rating, right?

giving person rating

↓

For instance, some dum-dum goes into a Morton's Steakhouse.

instance steakhouse

↓

She orders a steak well-done

orders steak

↓

and then complains when the damn thing comes out and it's too dry.

comes

↓

Well, it's like, "Hey, dum-dum, you ordered the damn thing well-done.

ordered

↓

"That's why it's dry, you stupid idiot."

idiot stupid stupid-idiot

↓

Not bad. A little stiff.

stiff

↓

Got tripped up on the conversation portion, but we're improving.

conversation improving tripped

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - Hey.

↓

- Oh, hey. How'd your date go? - Not great. She ditched me.

date ditched howd

↓

Yeah, this rating thing. It's messing with my head. It's throwing my game off.

game head messing rating throwing

↓

I think I need to target some more undesirable women.

target women

↓

Pick up some easy stars.

easy pick stars

↓

- I think that'll get me out of this funk. - Yeah.

funk thatll

↓

We made it past introductions.

past

↓

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, and...

↓

Wow, check out Dee, man. She's killing it!

check killing

↓

- She's got it down! - Forget her.

forget

↓

- Let's get back on the horse. - All right.

horse

↓

Come on.

↓

- So you guys own this bar? - Officially, yes.

officially

↓

Unofficially, we're so much more.

↓

I like to think of us as mercenaries, a strike force, actually.

force strike

↓

Frank's management.

franks management

↓

I'm security. Charlie bashes rats.

charlie rats security

↓

I don't really bash them so much as I start to drown them these days

bash days drown start

↓

so I don't have to listen to the screams.

screams

↓

He's a five-star dog 'cause I wouldn't rescue

five five-star rescue star

↓

a four-star or a three-star dog, certainly not a half-star dog.

certainly four half star three

↓

Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

bring dream

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung, bung...

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

Oh!

↓

Oh, I like cats, too. I have 80 of them that live in my alleyway.

alleyway cats live

↓

Too many cats. Sounds strange.

cats sounds strange

↓

I have eight cats that sleep in my sink.

cats eight sink sleep

↓

Still too many.

↓

I don't have any cats, but I sure do enjoy them.

cats enjoy

↓

I mean, half a star?

half star

↓

It doesn't change the five-star man, who he is.

change five five-star star

↓

I'm a five-star man! I'm a five-star man!

five five-star star

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

Bung, bung, bung, bung, bung

bung bung-bung bung-bung-bung

↓

- Mr. Sandman - Yes?

↓

I'm a five-star man!

five five-star star

↓

With a come hither gleam

↓

One. One. One.

↓

One. One. One.

↓

Please, Mr. Sandman

↓

One. One. One. One.

↓

I'm a five-star man!

five five-star star

↓

- Hello, Dennis. - Hi. Hi.

dennis

↓

Thank you so much for coming, uh... Please, sit.

coming

↓

So what do you want?

↓

Frankly, I've hit a bit of a rough patch,

frankly patch rough

↓

and it's made me realize that I have not been the best to women.

best realize women

↓

You included. I've manipulated. I've judged.

included judged manipulated

↓

I've ignored your feelings for pursuits of the flesh.

feelings flesh ignored

↓

But now I know what it feels like to be completely unwanted, like you.

completely feels unwanted

↓

And it doesn't feel good.

↓

Oh, that's really big of you to say.

↓

This is for you.

↓

- My God, are you proposing? - No. No, no.

proposing

↓

No. I'm not proposing.

proposing

↓

I would never, uh...

↓

No, this is, um... It's a promise ring.

promise ring

↓

- Oh. - So, from now on, Waitress,

waitress

↓

I promise to be nice and true.

promise

↓

I have a name.

name

↓

- Do you want the ring or not? - I do, yes. Thank you.

ring

↓

Wow! Thank you.

↓

And in return, of course,

course return

↓

I would ask that you promise something to me.

promise

↓

- To be your girlfriend. - No!

girlfriend

↓

No. Stop, okay?

↓

Don't do that.

↓

I just need you to give me a good rating on an Internet website.

internet rating website

↓

Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

↓

- Yeah? - Yeah.

↓

That would mean so much to me. It really would.

↓

- Okay. I, um... - Thank you.

↓

I don't have online, though.

online

↓

What does that... You "don't have online"?

online

↓

- No. - What the hell does that... Just...

↓

You can just go on your phone and do it on your phone.

phone

↓

My phone is... It's so old!

phone

↓

Oh, my God! That phone is preposterous! How long have you had that?

phone preposterous

↓

- Nine... Ninety... - Ninety?

nine ninety

↓

How do you get on the Internet?

internet

↓

I don't. I mean, I don't do, like, the e-mails...

mails

↓

"The e-mails"? It's e-mail. It's just e-mail.

mail mails

↓

Who doesn't have the Internet in this day and age?

internet

↓

What am I doing?

↓

Why am I lowering myself to this? I don't need your approval. Goddamn.

approval goddamn

↓

I don't need anyone's approval. This is stupid.

anyones approval stupid

↓

What are you doing, huh? You rating me right now?

rating

↓

Well, guess what? Go ahead, rate me. 'Cause I'll rate you, huh?

ahead go-ahead rate

↓

Go ahead, rate me! I don't give a shit!

ahead go-ahead rate

↓

Rate... I'll rate you! Zero, zero, zero rate!

rate zero zero-zero zero-zero-zero

↓

- Sir, you need to leave, okay? - Rate!

rate

↓

- You need to leave, okay? - Zero, zero!

zero zero-zero

↓

I will rate every single woman in this restaurant!

rate restaurant single woman

↓

- So he had the mule... - But he forgot the water.

forgot mule water

↓

Then the guy looks up and he says, "Wait a second. Where am I? In Ohio?"

ohio second

↓

You guys are so funny.

funny

↓

- Oh, thanks, thanks. - Yeah.

thanks thanks-thanks

↓

Can you give us a second?

second

↓

Holy shit, dude. We've never gotten this far!

gotten holy

↓

These girls are ready to bang.

bang girls ready

↓

What do we say? What do we do?

↓

We're gonna have to go off-script.

script

↓

No, no, Frank, blow the whistle! Call it, call it.

blow frank whistle

↓

- We gotta bail. - What, are you kidding me?

bail kidding

↓

Are you crazy? We've come too far to call it!

crazy

↓

Uh, my stomach's killing me. Should we talk about that?

killing stomachs

↓

- No, no. - I got the shits.

shits

↓

No. Not good! Try another joke, quick!

another joke quick

↓

Another joke? I got it.

another joke

↓

Ladies, got another one for you.

another ladies

↓

- There's this dago fisherman... - Oh, shit!

fisherman

↓

What? No.

↓

No, no, Charlie. Charlie, we got it...

charlie charlie-charlie

↓

Oh, shit! There goes my cock ring!

cock cock-ring ring

↓

His cock ring fell!

cock cock-ring fell ring

↓

Yeah, I got the power, girls. Yeah, you think you can rate me? Bullshit!

bullshit girls power rate

↓

Rate, zero! Zero! Zero rating!

rate rating zero zero-zero zero-zero-zero

↓

Zero rating! Ha-ha!

rating zero

↓

Yeah, I got the power! How does it feel, ladies?

ladies power

↓

I don't give a shit. Yeah!

↓

Get the hell out of here! You know what?

↓

I want every single lady in here out of here!

lady single

↓

Where... Where are all the ladies?

ladies

↓

Oh, you know, the crowd's kinda been thinning out.

crowds kinda

↓

I think it's because we haven't really been tending bar.

↓

Well, there's still a bunch of dudes here.

bunch dudes

↓

Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes here, 'cause I'm crushing it.

bunch crushing dudes

↓

They're all here to get Dee'd. The most empowered woman in Philly.

deed philly woman

↓

They all do seem to be into her.

↓

- Hey, Dee. - Mmm.

↓

You again? Listen. I'm not gonna change your rating.

change rating

↓

Just be grateful for the time we had together and beat it.

beat grateful

↓

Actually, I was hoping to hang out again.

hang hoping

↓

Yeah? I bet you do. It's 'cause I gave you one star. I played you.

played star

↓

I don't need stars. I was just hoping to get laid again.

hoping laid stars

↓

- What? - Hey, Dee.

↓

Any chance I could get Dee'd again?

chance deed

↓

No, you're upset. Aren't you upset?

upset

↓

You're upset about the zero rating I gave you.

rating upset zero

↓

No. You could rate me lower if you like.

lower rate

↓

Hey, are you the whore who bangs everybody?

bangs everybody whore

↓

No, I'm not the whore. I...

whore

↓

I'm the empowered woman who gives poor ratings to men.

gives poor ratings woman

↓

Yeah, sure. Can I get a rating?

rating

↓

No! Why would you want that from me?

↓

What's going on? Get out of here! All three of you! Get out!

three

↓

Okay, yeah, guys, go ahead. Go, go, go, go, go.

ahead go-ahead

↓

I understand, okay? I think I know what's happening here.

↓

Guys?

↓

We've lost sight of what's truly important.

lost sight truly

↓

You can't derive your self-worth from the opinions of others.

opinions others self self-worth worth

↓

No! No, you get your self-worth from when you convince yourself

convince self self-worth worth

↓

that you're tough and that you're straight.

straight tough

↓

I am tough.

tough

↓

Sure, yes, absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Or that you have got a shot with a woman who we've all banged, but who hates you.

banged hates shot woman

↓

Right. You're saying that I'm getting closer. Nice. I got a shot.

closer shot

↓

Yeah, you're getting close, buddy. You'll get there.

buddy close

↓

- Or you... - Hmm?

↓

...that your penis could ever possibly remain erect

erect penis possibly remain

↓

for more than a couple of seconds, even with a cock ring on.

cock cock-ring couple ring seconds

↓

- Hmm. - Or that you are a powerful woman,

powerful woman

↓

instead of a dirty, dirty whore, who bangs toad people.

bangs dirty dirty-dirty dirty-whore toad whore

↓

Yeah, guys, guys, guys.

↓

Your true power comes not from outside sources,

comes power sources

↓

but from the delusional stories that you all convince yourselves of.

convince delusional stories yourselves

↓

And no one, no one can take that away from you.

↓

Wow.

↓

- And what about you? - Me? What about me?

↓

I'm good, man. I've been doing great.

↓

Yeah, this whole thing's been great for me.

whole

↓

Well, that's good, because you're down to zero stars.

stars zero

↓

- Oh, is he? - Yeah, down to zero.

zero

↓

I don't give a shit about that, you know? The star rating thing is not...

rating star star-rating

↓

- Can I see that for a second? - Yeah.

second

↓

Let me see that, yeah. Oh.

↓

- Yeah, you know... - Whoa!

whoa

↓

God damn it! God damn it! You son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

My darling, I

darling

↓

Can't get enough of your love, babe

babe love

↓

Girl, I don't know I don't know why

girl

↓

I can't get enough of your love, babe

babe love

↓

Oh, some things I can't get used to

used

↓

No matter how I try

matter

↓

It's like the more you give, the more I want

↓

And baby, that's no lie

baby

↓

Oh, no, babe

babe