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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S10E10 — Ass Kickers United - Mac and Charlie Join a Cult
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Season 10, Episode 10 — Ass Kickers United - Mac and Charlie Join a Cult
My apartment is not a spa.
#1
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Dennis and I are gonna take a soak.
#2
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You and Dennis are going to bathe together?
#3
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It's that Turkish bath thing. What are you worried about?
#4
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Not worried about anything, but my apartment is not a
#5
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- Turkish bath, okay? - Well, you know, this is
#6
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- Dennis's apartment now, too. - No. No, goddamn it, it's not,
#7
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all right? Mac and Dennis do not live here.
#8
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Just... Sick of you guys doing your
#9
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stupid shit in my place.
#10
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- What the hell is this?! - One more! Wah!
#11
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Stop!
#12
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- Hey! - Oh!
#13
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- Good set, boys! - What are you doing?
#14
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Oh, Dee, this is Joe-Joe, Tiny, Charlie you know.
#15
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- I don't care. - Together, we are Ass Kickers
#16
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- United. - Oh, you guys, come on,
#17
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please, I don't want you doing your weird routines in here!
#18
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It's not a routine, Dee, and there is nothing weird about
#19
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this, okay? Ass Kickers United is a way of
#20
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life, based on the life improvement teachings of the
#21
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- Master. - What kind of cult shit is
#22
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- that? - No, no, it's not a cult,
#23
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Frank. The Master is the only human to
#24
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ever achieve enlightenment through the way of the warrior.
#25
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- Stop, two, three. - One, two, three, four. Stop.
#26
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Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
#27
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Come on! Goddamn it!
#28
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Frank, I can't get this fight
#29
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milk out of the goddamn couch!
#30
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Oh! Shit!
#31
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It burned a hole in the cushion!
#32
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That's probably the crotein.
#33
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Don't get that on your skin!
#34
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Oh! Frank, Frank,
#35
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sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,
#36
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good news.
#37
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I brought checkers. Oh, what's up, Dee?
#38
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I got dominoes, and what the hell is going on?
#39
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Your place looks like shit. What happened?
#40
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Yeah, yeah, it does. I'll tell you what happened.
#41
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Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters Incorporated were in here
#42
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- jerking around all day. - Mac, Charlie and a bunch of
#43
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- goons started a queer club. - Hmm.
#44
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- They got a newsletter. - Oh, shit.
#45
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"Ass Kickers United". Oh, my God.
#46
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- What? - Dee, Mac didn't start this
#47
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club. I did.
#48
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- What are you talking about? - Yeah. I, uh... I just made
#49
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this shit up about Ass Kickers United to get Mac to stop eating
#50
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- my thin mints. - Huh?
#51
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You know how Mac is all irritating and shit?
#52
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- Of course. - The worst!
#53
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Right, well, he was doing all this irritating shit, and he was
#54
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driving me crazy. Worst of all, he was eating all
#55
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my thin mint cookies, and, so, you know, playing on Mac's
#56
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physical insecurities, I decided I would get in his head a little
#57
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bit, so I created this Master character, all right?
#58
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I typed up this newsletter, which was, you know, mostly
#59
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about fitness and, like, just kicking ass at life in general,
#60
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just kind of speaking Mac's language.
#61
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But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers of consuming too
#62
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many thin mint cookies. And I'll tell you, man, it
#63
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worked like charm, 'cause he stopped eating thin mints almost
#64
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- immediately. - That is extremely impressive.
#65
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- Oh. - Dennis, I missed most of that
#66
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last part. Run it by me again.
#67
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Frank, I just spoke for five straight minutes.
#68
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- I'm not doing it again. - Dennis started a cult.
#69
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- No, I didn't start a cult. - Yeah, sure sounds like a
#70
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cult. Hey, I got a great idea.
#71
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Why don't you type up another newsletter and tell Mac and his
#72
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dumb-dumb friends to go and fix up your apartment, right?
#73
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That way, you guys can get the hell out of my place.
#74
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Or maybe get some broads involved.
#75
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Cults are great for attracting new-age tail.
#76
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No, guys, you can't go straight to fixing apartments
#77
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and getting young, new-age tail. You can't do that.
#78
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That takes years of brainwashing.
#79
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But here's the problem. If you don't do that and write
#80
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the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna
#81
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- rat you out. - No. Come on, Dee.
#82
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I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to. You know why?
#83
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'Cause I'm up to here. All right, I've had a very bad
#84
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day, all right?! I'm at the end of my rope, if
#85
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- I'm being honest. - Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.
#86
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All right, look, I'll test the waters a little bit, okay, see
#87
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- if we can get 'em there slowly. - Maybe you can get 'em to eat
#88
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a shit sandwich. That would be fun.
#89
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Why the would I...? What?! No, this isn't about fun.
#90
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This is about... it's about thin mints, goddamn it! Right?
#91
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And the reason I'm so good at this is because I take it
#92
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seriously. Now, just watch and learn.
#93
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Listen up! According to the Master, guys,
#94
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we're not getting enough vitamin D, so, these stickers harness
#95
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the power of the sun and deliver it directly to our bodies, okay?
#96
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And, apparently, guys, there's another exercise.
#97
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- Yes, sensei! - Yeah!
#98
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All right, now, they're called hammer jerks, and it's
#99
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sort of like a... hammer, then you bend.
#100
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- Mm-hmm. - Then you snap, then you jerk.
#101
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- Ow. - Then a hammer.
#102
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- Hammer. - Ow! Bend.
#103
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- Bend, snap. - Damn it.
#104
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- Jerk. - Oh, yeah.
#105
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Hammer, bend, snap, jerk. Hammer...
#106
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I can't believe they went for the sticker thing.
#107
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- Thank you. Thank you. - Okay, so, time to dial it up
#108
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a notch. Let's put 'em to work and get
#109
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- 'em to your apartment. - Yeah, we can't just dive into
#110
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that shit. We talked about this.
#111
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- It's a slow burn. - They're wearing sticks on
#112
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- their heads. They're there. - Look, look, look, stop.
#113
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You guys are going crazy. You're gonna blow the thin mint
#114
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thing. Will you just trust me?
#115
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I got this. I am the master.
#116
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I'm gonna get you what you want. You just got to let me do my
#117
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- thing. - That-that-that sounds good.
#118
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- Mm, yeah, okay. - You gonna goddamn blow this for me?
#119
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No.
#120
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You're gonna blow the thin mint thing?
#121
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No.
#122
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- "The Master sayeth." Mm-hmm.
#123
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"Kicking ass in life is all about drywall."
#124
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- And pussy. Put "pussy". - Goddamn, Frank, don't say
#125
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"pussy". It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.
#126
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"To be a total badass, you must learn carpentry."
#127
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- Hmm. - "Fixing apartments is what
#128
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- you must do." - And buy Wolf Cola.
#129
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- Let's make some coin. - Okay.
#130
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"And buy Wolf Cola, the only cola for true refreshment."
#131
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- That's good. - "Splash into the beast."
#132
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- Mm-hmm, that's great. - I know it is.
#133
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Cool it with the jerky, will you?
#134
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- You're driving me nuts. - Now, put-put bring pussy.
#135
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- Now, put it in. - Goddamn it. All right, fine.
#136
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Hey, listen, this is what I'll do.
#137
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"Ladies are now mandatory. Each of you dick bags must
#138
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recruit at least one woman." Should we put anything else?
#139
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- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich. - What is it with you and the
#140
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shit sandwich? Do you really want to see
#141
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somebody take a roll and stick doody in it, and then they put
#142
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it in their mouth? God, you are so gross.
#143
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Okay, so, how much for the
#144
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- Wolf Colas? - Five bucks a piece.
#145
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Okay, great. Ma, how many you want?
#146
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- I'll take three. - Okay. And Mrs. Mac?
#147
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She'll have one.
#148
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- Huh? - One. Any more caffeine than
#149
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that, and she will not stop talking.
#150
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Really? Oh, kind of want to see that.
#151
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Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?
#152
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- Yeah. What's up? - Um, does all this seem kind
#153
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- of strange to you? - Huh? Uh, oh, you mean, the
#154
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Wolf Cola thing? Yeah. I was wondering.
#155
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Like, how does the Master know about Wolf Cola?
#156
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Oh, he's an aficionado of all beverages.
#157
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He's gonna know the finest of colas.
#158
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Oh, oh, you mean, the carpentry thing. Yeah.
#159
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No. Throughout history, uh, Ass Kickers have always known
#160
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carpentry. Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.
#161
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Right, okay. What are you talking about?
#162
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- The women. The women, dude. - Oh.
#163
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This is supposed to be a men's club, you know?
#164
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- Who wants that around? - Oh. Uh...
#165
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I don't know. I'm kind of cool with it.
#166
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Also, I don't ever remember anything in the newsletters
#167
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- about no women. - It could not have been more
#168
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- clear: No women, no gays. - I don't ever remember you
#169
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- reading anything about that. - It was implied, okay?
#170
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Look, in these kind of texts, you need to be able to in-infer
#171
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what's be... Look, I'll explain it to you
#172
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later. I think I'm just gonna...
#173
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- I needed some time off. - Whoa. Hey, man, you can't
#174
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take a day off from kicking ass, okay?
#175
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Look, an Ass Kicker must be present every day.
#176
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An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.
#177
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An Ass Kicker must avoid thin mints.
#178
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I know the rules, okay? I don't need to...
#179
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I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna go.
#180
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- You're just gonna go?! - I mean...
#181
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- I mean... - Okay, I'm taking the men with
#182
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- me, and Frank's got the women. - Oh, cool.
#183
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- Are you an Ass Kicker now? - I'm an Ass Kicker now.
#184
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Sweet. All right. Who signed you up?
#185
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- The dumb one. - Oh, Tiny?
#186
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No, no, no. The one eating paint chips off the wall.
#187
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It tastes like paint.
#188
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Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal.
#189
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- These are? - Yeah.
#190
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- Oh, they're delicious. - Yeah, that's the good thing.
#191
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- Let's go. - All right, let's go.
#192
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Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing some hammers.
#193
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Oh, you guys are so great that you do construction.
#194
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I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just slap a couple coats
#195
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of paint around, maybe a couple of new doors.
#196
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You're gonna be in and out in a few hours.
#197
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Oh! Wow! Shit.
#198
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Whoa-ho! No wall! That's... pretty awesome.
#199
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Okay, boys, let's get to work.
#200
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Look, I do construction for a living.
#201
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I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was just some sort of fun
#202
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workout club-- you know, like... CrossFit.
#203
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- CrossFit. - Hey, man, you don't want to
#204
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take this seriously? Hey, that's fine.
#205
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Why don't you give me those stickers back, then?
#206
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Uh, no, I'm coming down with a cold and I need mine.
#207
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Did you do, like, your deer antler spray?
#208
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- Some. But I'm running lower. - Have some of mine. Here.
#209
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All right, you know what, I overreacted, boys.
#210
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I overreacted. I snapped at you, and the Master
#211
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wouldn't like that. And I'm sorry.
#212
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I think maybe this is my mission and my calling, so why don't you
#213
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guys find some other mission and I'll handle this one, okay?
#214
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- Thanks, Charlie. - All right, cool.
#215
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- Good luck. - Thank you.
#216
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- Goddamn it, Charlie. - It's fine. You know, the guys
#217
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have been working their asses off.
#218
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I got this. Look. Dee, the Master says fix it...
#219
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I'm gonna fix it.♪ ♪
#220
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Frank, is that you? I missed you in there, pal.
#221
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Still pretty steamy, though, if you want to hop in and...
#222
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- What the hell's this? - Just watching a little TV.
#223
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- Are those Thin Mints? - Oh, yeah, big time, dude.
#224
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- I love these things. - I notice, uh... you look a
#225
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- little out of shape, there, bud. - I am?
#226
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Yeah. Yeah, and it's a shame, too,
#227
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because you've been looking so great lately.
#228
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- So sexy. - I was?
#229
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Yeah, so to see this is just disappointing.
#230
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- To me, but you know... - This disappoints you?
#231
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Yeah. What-what are you doing?
#232
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You taking a day off or something, is that okay?
#233
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I'm sure the master allows for that, though, right?
#234
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Well, I'm not really sure about that.
#235
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Oh, you're not sure, yeah. Did the master not make that
#236
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crystal goddamn clear? In all those newsletters?
#237
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- Was that not clear? - I didn't... I didn't read
#238
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- into it like that. - Wow, wow.
#239
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I mean, I haven't read the things, but I've just... you
#240
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guys have been telling me and... Thin Mints, from what I
#241
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understand, that was a whole thing.
#242
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I think that was, like, rule number...
#243
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- Oh, shit. - I... yeah.
#244
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I-I... I may have... I messed up a little bit.
#245
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I hope he doesn't notice the fat that I'm noticing sort of
#246
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accumulated all over. But hey, maybe he won't notice.
#247
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- I noticed, but maybe he won't. - Y-You don't think he would,
#248
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- or... - No, I think he will.
#249
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Uh, do you mind if I use the computer?
#250
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I'm just gonna grab this and take it over here for a little
#251
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bit, okay? Mmm.
#252
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...and snap it back! Bend and snap.
#253
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How's that neck, Cindy?
#254
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Everything good? How are the muscles?
#255
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You feeling okay? You may want to soak 'em a
#256
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- little bit. - Actually, I feel great.
#257
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- Oh, you feel great. - Frank, I'm in tremendous
#258
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- pain. - I'm not talking to you.
#259
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- I'm talking to her. - I can't breathe.
#260
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Oh, she needs a cigarette break.
#261
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- Could we stop, please? - I don't care what she needs,
#262
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I'm not talking to you, do whatever you want.
#263
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- I'm trying to hurt her. - What?
#264
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Uh, well, it's... it... you have to tear the fascial tissues
#265
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in order to tone the muscles properly.
#266
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- According to the master. - Oh. Okay.
#267
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So you bend and you snap. But snap your head back.
#268
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- Bend... you see it? - Frank...
#269
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- And snap! - Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
#270
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- We need to talk. - Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep
#271
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- working. Go ahead. - Yeah, okay, you got it.
#272
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Hey, listen. We gotta make a bit of an
#273
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adjustment. Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want
#274
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to do the construction, so I was looking into what cults do to
#275
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force people into labor when the mind tricks don't work, and one
#276
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of them was a personality test, right?
#277
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You basically just get a bunch of dirt on people and you hold
#278
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- it over their heads. - So, blackmail.
#279
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Yeah.♪ ♪
#280
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So this is a basic personality test.
#281
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It's really simple. It just measures the amount of
#282
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guilt stressors that you're feeling.
#283
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You know, I took it, and I just... it's changed my life.
#284
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Yeah, Dee, what... what are
#285
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- guilt stressors? - Oh, great question, great
#286
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question. Apparently, secrets and lies
#287
⇓
lead to guilt stressors and that's not good, you guys.
#288
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You know why? It impedes muscle development.
#289
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- I have read that. - Oh, really?
#290
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Yeah, yeah. Well, it's science.
#291
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- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
#292
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It does sound like good science.
#293
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So you guys just hang on to that machine and talk about all
#294
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- your regrets. - And what are regrets, again?
#295
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Y-You just talk about things you feel really guilty about.
#296
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- Oh. - Oh, okay. Uh, okay.
#297
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- Do you want to... - Yeah, I'll go.
#298
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- Dee, where do my feet go? - Oh, it doesn't matter.
#299
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Okay, uh... I ate a baby toad once.
#300
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I'm not proud of it. It just kind of happened.
#301
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It pains me to think about how scared and confused it was and
#302
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wondering, "Why am I not home, and why am I in some sort of
#303
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- acid pond..." - Okay.
#304
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"...that's burning my skin?" And what if it was looking for
#305
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its mother? It was just a baby.
#306
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Oh, yeah, I got an idea. How about we let one of these
#307
⇓
- guys, uh, give it a shot. - Oh.
#308
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Are you sure? 'Cause I don't really feel better, but...
#309
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I'll go. Yeah. Where do my feet go, Dee?
#310
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- Dee, his feet? - It doesn't make a goddamn
#311
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- difference. - I ate a toad, too.
#312
⇓
- Oh, God. - Really?
#313
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- I did. - Am I good, am I good?
#314
⇓
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.
#315
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Go ahead.
#316
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- Oh, I feel the burn. - Yeah, how's-how's the neck
#317
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- feeling? How's the neck? - You know, it's not bad.
#318
⇓
- It's actually a little tight. - It's a little tight.
#319
⇓
Well, how 'bout if we hop in the healing pool...
#320
⇓
- Okay. - ...and I'll give you some
#321
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touch therapy, so you don't seem too weak for the master.
#322
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- Yeah. - Yeah.
#323
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I don't suppose that could hurt.
#324
⇓
No, that won't hurt.
#325
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Oh, shit.
#326
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Oh, hi. The water's wonderful.
#327
⇓
- When did you get in here? - Oh, you don't mind that we
#328
⇓
came in first, do you? There's plenty of room.
#329
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No, how long are you gonna be?
#330
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Oh, man...
#331
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Well... she thinks she has a tear in her uterine wall, so it
#332
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- might be a while. - All right.
#333
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- Let's-let's go... - I'm gonna go do a few more
#334
⇓
sets of kettlepops while, uh, running the block a few times.
#335
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- Yeah, nice. - Don't want to disappoint the
#336
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- master. - Mm-hmm.
#337
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- You want to come? - Go, you go get yourself good
#338
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- and banged up. - Okay.
#339
⇓
- Oh, yeah... - Guys, guys, guys, there's
#340
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been a mistake, a terrible mistake.
#341
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I got a new newsletter from the Master.
#342
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There's gonna be no more women, no more Wolf Cola and no more
#343
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carpentry in Ass Kickers United. This has all been a test
#344
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designed by the Master to figure out who the true believers are.
#345
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I passed, you failed and that's why I'm going to level two.
#346
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Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be
#347
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level two as well, but he'll be directly under me.
#348
⇓
Wh-What? Where'd you get that from?
#349
⇓
Uh, it was implied in the newsletter.
#350
⇓
- No. - Well, how is Dennis in level
#351
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two? Or an Ass Kicker, for that
#352
⇓
- matter? - Oh, he bought in.
#353
⇓
- He... bought in? - Come on, Ass Kickers, let's
#354
⇓
get out of here before we're tainted by this disgusting
#355
⇓
- woman. - All right. Crazy.
#356
⇓
- Cool! - Failed that test.
#357
⇓
Kick some ass, huh? Go kick some ass!
#358
⇓
Thought you could outmaster the Master, idiots?
#359
⇓
So you swayed 'em back. Uh, whatever.
#360
⇓
- We can do that, too. - Do you think this is easy?
#361
⇓
You need years of practice to even sniff my talent for
#362
⇓
manipulation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
#363
⇓
a cult that needs a charismatic leader.
#364
⇓
Yeah.
#365
⇓
Goddamn it, Frank. Goddamn it! No.
#366
⇓
No, we cannot let him get away with this.
#367
⇓
No, this is about something different now, something much
#368
⇓
- more important. - Shit sandwich?
#369
⇓
What? Why? What is that? No. God.
#370
⇓
No, this is about control now. This is about control and it's
#371
⇓
about beating Dennis. I know exactly what we need to
#372
⇓
do.
#373
⇓
Deandra, we're all set.
#374
⇓
- Yeah? - Yeah.
#375
⇓
- He's out? - He's lit.
#376
⇓
I have so much alcohol, and I gave him three bottles of Fight
#377
⇓
- Milk. - Whoa. That's a lot.
#378
⇓
Okay, you ready? Got your cards? Okay.
#379
⇓
- Okay. Here we go. - Charlie.
#380
⇓
- Charlie. - Say it louder.
#381
⇓
- Charlie, wake up! - Huh?
#382
⇓
What's... what's... What's happening?
#383
⇓
- It is I... the Master! - Am I dreaming?
#384
⇓
- You're having a vision. - Am I peeing?
#385
⇓
- Uh... - Is he peeing?
#386
⇓
- Just read the card. - You and the other Ass Kickers
#387
⇓
must con... con... What's that word?
#388
⇓
- Congregate. - Congregate, what does that
#389
⇓
- mean? - It doesn't matter, just say it.
#390
⇓
...congregate.
#391
⇓
- What does that mean? - Oh, God.
#392
⇓
You know what? Just... Hey, Charlie, hey.
#393
⇓
Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet at Mac and Dennis's
#394
⇓
apartment, okay? Lord Zolo is gonna get you on
#395
⇓
- the mother ship. - Lord Zolo?
#396
⇓
Charlie... you've graduated to the next level.
#397
⇓
Congratulations. And your reward is to get to
#398
⇓
know all the secrets of the universe.
#399
⇓
He's gonna put all those brains in my head.
#400
⇓
- Sweet. - Yeah, there's just a few
#401
⇓
- things you have to do. - Okay.
#402
⇓
I'll do them. I'm peeing.
#403
⇓
- Uh-oh. - Oh...
#404
⇓
Hey, you guys ready... Holy shit!
#405
⇓
Whoa! What the hell happened in here?
#406
⇓
Hey, do you like it? Yeah, well, before Master Rex
#407
⇓
said that we weren't supposed to do carpentry, I talked to Tiny
#408
⇓
and Jo-Jo and they got their construction crew in here.
#409
⇓
- There's a wall. - Oh, you're goddamn right
#410
⇓
there's a wall. I'm good.
#411
⇓
- Dennis is gonna shit his pants. - Yeah... why?
#412
⇓
- What are you good at? - Good at my... I'm a good
#413
⇓
person, and you know what? It's time to... to do the plan
#414
⇓
- that the master laid out. - I'm gonna take Tiny in the
#415
⇓
other room and make the pods ready.
#416
⇓
- Come on, Tiny. - Oh, we got pods?
#417
⇓
- Yeah. - Of course we got pods.
#418
⇓
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that mother ship with him,
#419
⇓
you need pods. Am I right, Master?
#420
⇓
- Do-Do I get a pod? - Okay, guys, guys, guys...
#421
⇓
We got a... wow. Holy shit.
#422
⇓
- That's a wall. - Yeah.
#423
⇓
- This place looks great. - You're goddamn right this
#424
⇓
- place looks great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty
#425
⇓
impressive stuff, Dee, but, uh... it doesn't seal the deal.
#426
⇓
Guys, I've got an announcement to make.
#427
⇓
Yeah, we've got some big news here.
#428
⇓
The Master texted me while we were on our way over here.
#429
⇓
Oh, interesting. Uh, I wonder how it's possible
#430
⇓
that the Master could've texted you when he's been here with us
#431
⇓
- the whole time. - Rex is the Master?
#432
⇓
- That makes so much sense. - Yep. Yes.
#433
⇓
- Oh, my... - Of course I know that Rex is
#434
⇓
the Master, and of course I would never question the word of
#435
⇓
someone so... wise. But I actually got a text from
#436
⇓
the Supreme Overlord Master. And that's Rex's master.
#437
⇓
- Oh, shit. - "Oh, shit," is right, you
#438
⇓
guys. That's the... he's the big guy.
#439
⇓
He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top, and he made it
#440
⇓
very, very clear to me that all of you are going to need to...
#441
⇓
- commit suicide. - I knew it!
#442
⇓
- The final circle. - Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on
#443
⇓
a second. Can I please talk to you for
#444
⇓
- just a quick second? - Sure, sure, sure.
#445
⇓
Now, why don't you guys get yourselves all lathered up in
#446
⇓
lighter fluid and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light
#447
⇓
yourselves ablaze.
#448
⇓
- All right. - Thank you for trusting me.
#449
⇓
- Yeah, of course. - I did it. I won.
#450
⇓
I am the most charismatic leader.
#451
⇓
I got Tiny to eat a shit sandwich.
#452
⇓
- Ugh! - Oh!
#453
⇓
I got him to eat a poopy.
#454
⇓
You idiot! I got these guys to think they
#455
⇓
were going to another dimension. I'm the winner.
#456
⇓
Are you kidding me? They were gonna light themselves
#457
⇓
on fire for me. I'm the winner.
#458
⇓
- Oh... - Guys, guys, hang on a second.
#459
⇓
- The winner of what? - The... the Ass Kickers, okay?
#460
⇓
The winner of the Ass Kickers. It-it's mine, it's not theirs.
#461
⇓
- What? - It's mine, it's... the whole
#462
⇓
- thing's made up, I made it up. - Master Rex, is this true?
#463
⇓
- Oh, don't ask Rex, what...? - The fire is started.
#464
⇓
Thank you so much for trusting me with this.
#465
⇓
- This is good-bye! - No... goddamn it, no!
#466
⇓
- No, man, don't do it! - Oh, shit!
#467
⇓
Run!
#468
⇓
We'll get you some help, okay?
#469
⇓
- We'll call the fire department. - Yeah.
#470
⇓
- Oh, God. - Yeah.
#471
⇓
- And then we'll go to Dee's. - Yeah, right?
#472
⇓
No, no, can't we go anywhere else?
#473
⇓
- No, Dee. - What if the Supreme Overlord
#474
⇓
tries to contact us? He has to know where we are.
#475
⇓
Yeah, exact-exactly. All right, well, at least he's
#476
⇓
- on the mother ship now. - Oh, my God! Unbelievable!
#477
⇓
Come on, let's go.
#478
⇓
- Good luck, Jo-Jo! - Thank you!
#479
⇓
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
#480
⇓
Come on! Goddamn it!
#481
⇓
Frank, I can't get this fight
#482
⇓
Oh! Shit!
#484
⇓
It burned a hole in the cushion!
#485
⇓
That's probably the crotein.
#486
⇓
Don't get that on your skin!
#487
⇓
Oh! Frank, Frank,
#488
⇓
sorry I'm late, man, but, uh,
#489
⇓
good news.
#490
⇓
I brought checkers. Oh, what's up, Dee?
#491
⇓
I got dominoes, and what the hell is going on?
#492
⇓
Your place looks like shit. What happened?
#493
⇓
Yeah, yeah, it does. I'll tell you what happened.
#494
⇓
Mac and his goddamn Ass Blasters Incorporated were in here
#495
⇓
- jerking around all day. - Mac, Charlie and a bunch of
#496
⇓
- goons started a queer club. - Hmm.
#497
⇓
- They got a newsletter. - Oh, shit.
#498
⇓
"Ass Kickers United". Oh, my God.
#499
⇓
- What? - Dee, Mac didn't start this
#500
⇓
club. I did.
#501
⇓
- What are you talking about? - Yeah. I, uh... I just made
#502
⇓
this shit up about Ass Kickers United to get Mac to stop eating
#503
⇓
You know how Mac is all irritating and shit?
#505
⇓
- Of course. - The worst!
#506
⇓
Right, well, he was doing all this irritating shit, and he was
#507
⇓
driving me crazy. Worst of all, he was eating all
#508
⇓
physical insecurities, I decided I would get in his head a little
#510
⇓
I typed up this newsletter, which was, you know, mostly
#512
⇓
about fitness and, like, just kicking ass at life in general,
#513
⇓
just kind of speaking Mac's language.
#514
⇓
But mostly, I was speaking of the dangers of consuming too
#515
⇓
many thin mint cookies. And I'll tell you, man, it
#516
⇓
worked like charm, 'cause he stopped eating thin mints almost
#517
⇓
- Oh. - Dennis, I missed most of that
#519
⇓
last part. Run it by me again.
#520
⇓
Frank, I just spoke for five straight minutes.
#521
⇓
- I'm not doing it again. - Dennis started a cult.
#522
⇓
- No, I didn't start a cult. - Yeah, sure sounds like a
#523
⇓
cult. Hey, I got a great idea.
#524
⇓
Why don't you type up another newsletter and tell Mac and his
#525
⇓
dumb-dumb friends to go and fix up your apartment, right?
#526
⇓
That way, you guys can get the hell out of my place.
#527
⇓
Or maybe get some broads involved.
#528
⇓
Cults are great for attracting new-age tail.
#529
⇓
No, guys, you can't go straight to fixing apartments
#530
⇓
and getting young, new-age tail. You can't do that.
#531
⇓
That takes years of brainwashing.
#532
⇓
But here's the problem. If you don't do that and write
#533
⇓
the newsletter and fix up the apartment, then I'm just gonna
#534
⇓
- rat you out. - No. Come on, Dee.
#535
⇓
I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna have to. You know why?
#536
⇓
'Cause I'm up to here. All right, I've had a very bad
#537
⇓
day, all right?! I'm at the end of my rope, if
#538
⇓
- I'm being honest. - Okay, okay, Dee, calm down.
#539
⇓
- if we can get 'em there slowly. - Maybe you can get 'em to eat
#541
⇓
a shit sandwich. That would be fun.
#542
⇓
Why the would I...? What?! No, this isn't about fun.
#543
⇓
This is about... it's about thin mints, goddamn it! Right?
#544
⇓
And the reason I'm so good at this is because I take it
#545
⇓
seriously. Now, just watch and learn.
#546
⇓
Listen up! According to the Master, guys,
#547
⇓
we're not getting enough vitamin D, so, these stickers harness
#548
⇓
- Yes, sensei! - Yeah!
#551
⇓
All right, now, they're called hammer jerks, and it's
#552
⇓
sort of like a... hammer, then you bend.
#553
⇓
- Mm-hmm. - Then you snap, then you jerk.
#554
⇓
- Ow. - Then a hammer.
#555
⇓
- Hammer. - Ow! Bend.
#556
⇓
- Bend, snap. - Damn it.
#557
⇓
- Jerk. - Oh, yeah.
#558
⇓
Hammer, bend, snap, jerk. Hammer...
#559
⇓
I can't believe they went for the sticker thing.
#560
⇓
- Thank you. Thank you. - Okay, so, time to dial it up
#561
⇓
a notch. Let's put 'em to work and get
#562
⇓
- 'em to your apartment. - Yeah, we can't just dive into
#563
⇓
that shit. We talked about this.
#564
⇓
- It's a slow burn. - They're wearing sticks on
#565
⇓
- their heads. They're there. - Look, look, look, stop.
#566
⇓
You guys are going crazy. You're gonna blow the thin mint
#567
⇓
thing. Will you just trust me?
#568
⇓
I'm gonna get you what you want. You just got to let me do my
#570
⇓
- thing. - That-that-that sounds good.
#571
⇓
- Mm, yeah, okay. - You gonna goddamn blow this for me?
#572
⇓
No.
#573
⇓
You're gonna blow the thin mint thing?
#574
⇓
No.
#575
⇓
- "The Master sayeth." Mm-hmm.
#576
⇓
- And pussy. Put "pussy". - Goddamn, Frank, don't say
#578
⇓
"pussy". It's disgusting. I'm not putting it.
#579
⇓
"To be a total badass, you must learn carpentry."
#580
⇓
- Hmm. - "Fixing apartments is what
#581
⇓
- you must do." - And buy Wolf Cola.
#582
⇓
- Let's make some coin. - Okay.
#583
⇓
"And buy Wolf Cola, the only cola for true refreshment."
#584
⇓
- That's good. - "Splash into the beast."
#585
⇓
- Mm-hmm, that's great. - I know it is.
#586
⇓
Cool it with the jerky, will you?
#587
⇓
- You're driving me nuts. - Now, put-put bring pussy.
#588
⇓
- Now, put it in. - Goddamn it. All right, fine.
#589
⇓
Hey, listen, this is what I'll do.
#590
⇓
"Ladies are now mandatory. Each of you dick bags must
#591
⇓
recruit at least one woman." Should we put anything else?
#592
⇓
- Make 'em eat a shit sandwich. - What is it with you and the
#593
⇓
shit sandwich? Do you really want to see
#594
⇓
somebody take a roll and stick doody in it, and then they put
#595
⇓
it in their mouth? God, you are so gross.
#596
⇓
Okay, so, how much for the
#597
⇓
- Wolf Colas? - Five bucks a piece.
#598
⇓
Okay, great. Ma, how many you want?
#599
⇓
- I'll take three. - Okay. And Mrs. Mac?
#600
⇓
She'll have one.
#601
⇓
that, and she will not stop talking.
#603
⇓
Really? Oh, kind of want to see that.
#604
⇓
Hey, Charlie, can I talk to you for a second?
#605
⇓
- Yeah. What's up? - Um, does all this seem kind
#606
⇓
- of strange to you? - Huh? Uh, oh, you mean, the
#607
⇓
Wolf Cola thing? Yeah. I was wondering.
#608
⇓
Like, how does the Master know about Wolf Cola?
#609
⇓
Oh, he's an aficionado of all beverages.
#610
⇓
Oh, oh, you mean, the carpentry thing. Yeah.
#612
⇓
No. Throughout history, uh, Ass Kickers have always known
#613
⇓
carpentry. Jesus Christ, Harrison Ford.
#614
⇓
Right, okay. What are you talking about?
#615
⇓
- The women. The women, dude. - Oh.
#616
⇓
This is supposed to be a men's club, you know?
#617
⇓
- Who wants that around? - Oh. Uh...
#618
⇓
I don't know. I'm kind of cool with it.
#619
⇓
Also, I don't ever remember anything in the newsletters
#620
⇓
- about no women. - It could not have been more
#621
⇓
- reading anything about that. - It was implied, okay?
#623
⇓
Look, in these kind of texts, you need to be able to in-infer
#624
⇓
later. I think I'm just gonna...
#626
⇓
- I needed some time off. - Whoa. Hey, man, you can't
#627
⇓
take a day off from kicking ass, okay?
#628
⇓
Look, an Ass Kicker must be present every day.
#629
⇓
An Ass Kicker must do the exercises.
#630
⇓
An Ass Kicker must avoid thin mints.
#631
⇓
I know the rules, okay? I don't need to...
#632
⇓
I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna go.
#633
⇓
- I mean... - Okay, I'm taking the men with
#635
⇓
- me, and Frank's got the women. - Oh, cool.
#636
⇓
Sweet. All right. Who signed you up?
#638
⇓
- The dumb one. - Oh, Tiny?
#639
⇓
No, no, no. The one eating paint chips off the wall.
#640
⇓
It tastes like paint.
#641
⇓
Uh, yeah, those are paint chips there, pal.
#642
⇓
- These are? - Yeah.
#643
⇓
- Let's go. - All right, let's go.
#645
⇓
Hey, we're gonna, uh, go swing some hammers.
#646
⇓
Oh, you guys are so great that you do construction.
#647
⇓
I mean, this is just gonna be easy-- just slap a couple coats
#648
⇓
of paint around, maybe a couple of new doors.
#649
⇓
You're gonna be in and out in a few hours.
#650
⇓
Oh! Wow! Shit.
#651
⇓
Whoa-ho! No wall! That's... pretty awesome.
#652
⇓
Okay, boys, let's get to work.
#653
⇓
Look, I do construction for a living.
#654
⇓
I mean, I thought Ass Kickers was just some sort of fun
#655
⇓
workout club-- you know, like... CrossFit.
#656
⇓
- CrossFit. - Hey, man, you don't want to
#657
⇓
take this seriously? Hey, that's fine.
#658
⇓
Uh, no, I'm coming down with a cold and I need mine.
#660
⇓
Did you do, like, your deer antler spray?
#661
⇓
- Some. But I'm running lower. - Have some of mine. Here.
#662
⇓
I overreacted. I snapped at you, and the Master
#664
⇓
wouldn't like that. And I'm sorry.
#665
⇓
I think maybe this is my mission and my calling, so why don't you
#666
⇓
guys find some other mission and I'll handle this one, okay?
#667
⇓
- Thanks, Charlie. - All right, cool.
#668
⇓
- Good luck. - Thank you.
#669
⇓
- Goddamn it, Charlie. - It's fine. You know, the guys
#670
⇓
have been working their asses off.
#671
⇓
I'm gonna fix it.♪ ♪
#673
⇓
Still pretty steamy, though, if you want to hop in and...
#675
⇓
- What the hell's this? - Just watching a little TV.
#676
⇓
- Are those Thin Mints? - Oh, yeah, big time, dude.
#677
⇓
- I love these things. - I notice, uh... you look a
#678
⇓
- little out of shape, there, bud. - I am?
#679
⇓
Yeah. Yeah, and it's a shame, too,
#680
⇓
because you've been looking so great lately.
#681
⇓
- So sexy. - I was?
#682
⇓
Yeah, so to see this is just disappointing.
#683
⇓
- To me, but you know... - This disappoints you?
#684
⇓
Yeah. What-what are you doing?
#685
⇓
You taking a day off or something, is that okay?
#686
⇓
I'm sure the master allows for that, though, right?
#687
⇓
Oh, you're not sure, yeah. Did the master not make that
#689
⇓
crystal goddamn clear? In all those newsletters?
#690
⇓
- Was that not clear? - I didn't... I didn't read
#691
⇓
- into it like that. - Wow, wow.
#692
⇓
I mean, I haven't read the things, but I've just... you
#693
⇓
guys have been telling me and... Thin Mints, from what I
#694
⇓
understand, that was a whole thing.
#695
⇓
I think that was, like, rule number...
#696
⇓
- Oh, shit. - I... yeah.
#697
⇓
I-I... I may have... I messed up a little bit.
#698
⇓
I hope he doesn't notice the fat that I'm noticing sort of
#699
⇓
- I noticed, but maybe he won't. - Y-You don't think he would,
#701
⇓
Uh, do you mind if I use the computer?
#703
⇓
I'm just gonna grab this and take it over here for a little
#704
⇓
bit, okay? Mmm.
#705
⇓
...and snap it back! Bend and snap.
#706
⇓
How's that neck, Cindy?
#707
⇓
You feeling okay? You may want to soak 'em a
#709
⇓
- little bit. - Actually, I feel great.
#710
⇓
- Oh, you feel great. - Frank, I'm in tremendous
#711
⇓
- pain. - I'm not talking to you.
#712
⇓
- I'm talking to her. - I can't breathe.
#713
⇓
Oh, she needs a cigarette break.
#714
⇓
- Could we stop, please? - I don't care what she needs,
#715
⇓
- I'm trying to hurt her. - What?
#717
⇓
Uh, well, it's... it... you have to tear the fascial tissues
#718
⇓
in order to tone the muscles properly.
#719
⇓
- According to the master. - Oh. Okay.
#720
⇓
So you bend and you snap. But snap your head back.
#721
⇓
- Bend... you see it? - Frank...
#722
⇓
- And snap! - Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
#723
⇓
- We need to talk. - Uh, yo, Cindy, you keep
#724
⇓
- working. Go ahead. - Yeah, okay, you got it.
#725
⇓
Hey, listen. We gotta make a bit of an
#726
⇓
adjustment. Tiny and Jo-Jo, they don't want
#727
⇓
to do the construction, so I was looking into what cults do to
#728
⇓
force people into labor when the mind tricks don't work, and one
#729
⇓
of them was a personality test, right?
#730
⇓
You basically just get a bunch of dirt on people and you hold
#731
⇓
Yeah.♪ ♪
#733
⇓
So this is a basic personality test.
#734
⇓
guilt stressors that you're feeling.
#736
⇓
You know, I took it, and I just... it's changed my life.
#737
⇓
Yeah, Dee, what... what are
#738
⇓
- guilt stressors? - Oh, great question, great
#739
⇓
question. Apparently, secrets and lies
#740
⇓
lead to guilt stressors and that's not good, you guys.
#741
⇓
You know why? It impedes muscle development.
#742
⇓
- I have read that. - Oh, really?
#743
⇓
Yeah, yeah. Well, it's science.
#744
⇓
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
#745
⇓
It does sound like good science.
#746
⇓
So you guys just hang on to that machine and talk about all
#747
⇓
- your regrets. - And what are regrets, again?
#748
⇓
Y-You just talk about things you feel really guilty about.
#749
⇓
- Oh. - Oh, okay. Uh, okay.
#750
⇓
- Do you want to... - Yeah, I'll go.
#751
⇓
- Dee, where do my feet go? - Oh, it doesn't matter.
#752
⇓
I'm not proud of it. It just kind of happened.
#754
⇓
It pains me to think about how scared and confused it was and
#755
⇓
wondering, "Why am I not home, and why am I in some sort of
#756
⇓
- acid pond..." - Okay.
#757
⇓
"...that's burning my skin?" And what if it was looking for
#758
⇓
its mother? It was just a baby.
#759
⇓
Oh, yeah, I got an idea. How about we let one of these
#760
⇓
- guys, uh, give it a shot. - Oh.
#761
⇓
Are you sure? 'Cause I don't really feel better, but...
#762
⇓
- Dee, his feet? - It doesn't make a goddamn
#764
⇓
- difference. - I ate a toad, too.
#765
⇓
- Oh, God. - Really?
#766
⇓
- I did. - Am I good, am I good?
#767
⇓
- Yeah, yeah. - Okay.
#768
⇓
Go ahead.
#769
⇓
- Oh, I feel the burn. - Yeah, how's-how's the neck
#770
⇓
- feeling? How's the neck? - You know, it's not bad.
#771
⇓
- It's actually a little tight. - It's a little tight.
#772
⇓
Well, how 'bout if we hop in the healing pool...
#773
⇓
- Okay. - ...and I'll give you some
#774
⇓
touch therapy, so you don't seem too weak for the master.
#775
⇓
- Yeah. - Yeah.
#776
⇓
No, that won't hurt.
#778
⇓
Oh, hi. The water's wonderful.
#780
⇓
- When did you get in here? - Oh, you don't mind that we
#781
⇓
came in first, do you? There's plenty of room.
#782
⇓
No, how long are you gonna be?
#783
⇓
Oh, man...
#784
⇓
Well... she thinks she has a tear in her uterine wall, so it
#785
⇓
- might be a while. - All right.
#786
⇓
sets of kettlepops while, uh, running the block a few times.
#788
⇓
- Yeah, nice. - Don't want to disappoint the
#789
⇓
- master. - Mm-hmm.
#790
⇓
- You want to come? - Go, you go get yourself good
#791
⇓
- Oh, yeah... - Guys, guys, guys, there's
#793
⇓
been a mistake, a terrible mistake.
#794
⇓
I got a new newsletter from the Master.
#795
⇓
There's gonna be no more women, no more Wolf Cola and no more
#796
⇓
carpentry in Ass Kickers United. This has all been a test
#797
⇓
designed by the Master to figure out who the true believers are.
#798
⇓
I passed, you failed and that's why I'm going to level two.
#799
⇓
Oh, also, uh, Dennis will be
#800
⇓
level two as well, but he'll be directly under me.
#801
⇓
Wh-What? Where'd you get that from?
#802
⇓
Uh, it was implied in the newsletter.
#803
⇓
- No. - Well, how is Dennis in level
#804
⇓
two? Or an Ass Kicker, for that
#805
⇓
- matter? - Oh, he bought in.
#806
⇓
get out of here before we're tainted by this disgusting
#808
⇓
- woman. - All right. Crazy.
#809
⇓
- Cool! - Failed that test.
#810
⇓
Kick some ass, huh? Go kick some ass!
#811
⇓
Thought you could outmaster the Master, idiots?
#812
⇓
So you swayed 'em back. Uh, whatever.
#813
⇓
- We can do that, too. - Do you think this is easy?
#814
⇓
You need years of practice to even sniff my talent for
#815
⇓
manipulation. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
#816
⇓
a cult that needs a charismatic leader.
#817
⇓
Yeah.
#818
⇓
Goddamn it, Frank. Goddamn it! No.
#819
⇓
No, we cannot let him get away with this.
#820
⇓
No, this is about something different now, something much
#821
⇓
- more important. - Shit sandwich?
#822
⇓
What? Why? What is that? No. God.
#823
⇓
about beating Dennis. I know exactly what we need to
#825
⇓
do.
#826
⇓
Deandra, we're all set.
#827
⇓
- Yeah? - Yeah.
#828
⇓
- He's out? - He's lit.
#829
⇓
I have so much alcohol, and I gave him three bottles of Fight
#830
⇓
- Milk. - Whoa. That's a lot.
#831
⇓
Okay, you ready? Got your cards? Okay.
#832
⇓
- Okay. Here we go. - Charlie.
#833
⇓
- Charlie, wake up! - Huh?
#835
⇓
What's... what's... What's happening?
#836
⇓
- It is I... the Master! - Am I dreaming?
#837
⇓
- You're having a vision. - Am I peeing?
#838
⇓
- Uh... - Is he peeing?
#839
⇓
- Just read the card. - You and the other Ass Kickers
#840
⇓
must con... con... What's that word?
#841
⇓
- Congregate. - Congregate, what does that
#842
⇓
- mean? - It doesn't matter, just say it.
#843
⇓
...congregate.
#844
⇓
- What does that mean? - Oh, God.
#845
⇓
You know what? Just... Hey, Charlie, hey.
#846
⇓
Get all the Ass Kickers together and meet at Mac and Dennis's
#847
⇓
apartment, okay? Lord Zolo is gonna get you on
#848
⇓
- the mother ship. - Lord Zolo?
#849
⇓
Charlie... you've graduated to the next level.
#850
⇓
Congratulations. And your reward is to get to
#851
⇓
know all the secrets of the universe.
#852
⇓
He's gonna put all those brains in my head.
#853
⇓
- Sweet. - Yeah, there's just a few
#854
⇓
- things you have to do. - Okay.
#855
⇓
I'll do them. I'm peeing.
#856
⇓
- Uh-oh. - Oh...
#857
⇓
Hey, you guys ready... Holy shit!
#858
⇓
Whoa! What the hell happened in here?
#859
⇓
Hey, do you like it? Yeah, well, before Master Rex
#860
⇓
and Jo-Jo and they got their construction crew in here.
#862
⇓
there's a wall. I'm good.
#864
⇓
- Dennis is gonna shit his pants. - Yeah... why?
#865
⇓
person, and you know what? It's time to... to do the plan
#867
⇓
- that the master laid out. - I'm gonna take Tiny in the
#868
⇓
other room and make the pods ready.
#869
⇓
- Come on, Tiny. - Oh, we got pods?
#870
⇓
- Yeah. - Of course we got pods.
#871
⇓
Lord Zolo's gonna take you guys on that mother ship with him,
#872
⇓
you need pods. Am I right, Master?
#873
⇓
- Do-Do I get a pod? - Okay, guys, guys, guys...
#874
⇓
We got a... wow. Holy shit.
#875
⇓
- That's a wall. - Yeah.
#876
⇓
- This place looks great. - You're goddamn right this
#877
⇓
- place looks great. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty
#878
⇓
impressive stuff, Dee, but, uh... it doesn't seal the deal.
#879
⇓
Guys, I've got an announcement to make.
#880
⇓
Yeah, we've got some big news here.
#881
⇓
The Master texted me while we were on our way over here.
#882
⇓
Oh, interesting. Uh, I wonder how it's possible
#883
⇓
that the Master could've texted you when he's been here with us
#884
⇓
- the whole time. - Rex is the Master?
#885
⇓
- That makes so much sense. - Yep. Yes.
#886
⇓
- Oh, my... - Of course I know that Rex is
#887
⇓
the Master, and of course I would never question the word of
#888
⇓
the Supreme Overlord Master. And that's Rex's master.
#890
⇓
- Oh, shit. - "Oh, shit," is right, you
#891
⇓
He sits right at the tippy-tippy-top, and he made it
#893
⇓
- The final circle. - Yeah, okay, sure, but hang on
#896
⇓
- just a quick second? - Sure, sure, sure.
#898
⇓
Now, why don't you guys get yourselves all lathered up in
#899
⇓
lighter fluid and, uh, you're gonna get ready to light
#900
⇓
yourselves ablaze.
#901
⇓
- All right. - Thank you for trusting me.
#902
⇓
- Yeah, of course. - I did it. I won.
#903
⇓
I am the most charismatic leader.
#904
⇓
- Ugh! - Oh!
#906
⇓
I got him to eat a poopy.
#907
⇓
were going to another dimension. I'm the winner.
#909
⇓
Are you kidding me? They were gonna light themselves
#910
⇓
on fire for me. I'm the winner.
#911
⇓
- Oh... - Guys, guys, hang on a second.
#912
⇓
The winner of the Ass Kickers. It-it's mine, it's not theirs.
#914
⇓
- What? - It's mine, it's... the whole
#915
⇓
- thing's made up, I made it up. - Master Rex, is this true?
#916
⇓
- Oh, don't ask Rex, what...? - The fire is started.
#917
⇓
Thank you so much for trusting me with this.
#918
⇓
- This is good-bye! - No... goddamn it, no!
#919
⇓
- No, man, don't do it! - Oh, shit!
#920
⇓
Run!
#921
⇓
We'll get you some help, okay?
#922
⇓
- We'll call the fire department. - Yeah.
#923
⇓
- Oh, God. - Yeah.
#924
⇓
- And then we'll go to Dee's. - Yeah, right?
#925
⇓
No, no, can't we go anywhere else?
#926
⇓
- No, Dee. - What if the Supreme Overlord
#927
⇓
tries to contact us? He has to know where we are.
#928
⇓
Yeah, exact-exactly. All right, well, at least he's
#929
⇓
- on the mother ship now. - Oh, my God! Unbelievable!
#930
⇓
Come on, let's go.
#931
⇓
- Good luck, Jo-Jo! - Thank you!
#932
⇓
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
#933
⇓
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