Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E09 — Frank Retires

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 9 — Frank Retires

We think it's a sinkhole! It's awesome!

#1

⇓

It's really not that awesome.

#2

⇓

It's blowing my mind!

#3

⇓

How is a hole in the ground blowing your mind?

#4

⇓

Look, I was a little bit skeptical at first, too,

#5

⇓

but we've been playing with this thing for three hours now, and it's fantastic.

#6

⇓

I'm sorry, can I ask how do you play with a goddamn hole?

#7

⇓

- We started throwing things down it. - Yeah.

#8

⇓

Then we never heard it land. It'd just kind of rattle around down there.

#9

⇓

We got a flashlight to see if we can see the bottom.

#10

⇓

- We couldn't. - Couldn't.

#11

⇓

Then I threw it down there,

#12

⇓

- you know, to prove a point. - Mmm-hmm.

#13

⇓

What was the point?

#14

⇓

It was something to do with how metal travels faster than light or...

#15

⇓

No, it was that light is either on or off.

#16

⇓

There's no speed to light.

#17

⇓

It was an anti-science thing.

#18

⇓

This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis.

#19

⇓

I mean, it represents infinite possibilities. It's endless.

#20

⇓

What if there's, like, a mutant living down there?

#21

⇓

We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us.

#22

⇓

We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time.

#23

⇓

Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said?

#24

⇓

I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

#25

⇓

- The, uh... - Huh?

#26

⇓

- ...thing. - Oh, yeah.

#27

⇓

Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh?

#28

⇓

You want to do something with it?

#29

⇓

No. I don't.

#30

⇓

In fact, something just dawned on me.

#31

⇓

I need to quit.

#32

⇓

What? What are, what are you talking about?

#33

⇓

I don't care anything about this hole.

#34

⇓

I'm passionless.

#35

⇓

What are you saying, Frank?

#36

⇓

I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

#37

⇓

All right, now, with Frank retiring,

#38

⇓

I know we're all a little bit concerned about how that affects everyone's shares.

#39

⇓

Frank owned 51% of Paddy's Pub and we own 46%.

#40

⇓

Well, we did, not, not Dee.

#41

⇓

She, she doesn't own shit.

#42

⇓

- Yeah, I know. Goddamn it. - Yeah, yeah.

#43

⇓

And, Charlie, you actually gave up most of your shares

#44

⇓

for various sandwiches and snacks and sundries and things.

#45

⇓

What the hell is a Franquito?

#46

⇓

It says, "Franquito owns 3% of Paddy's Pub?"

#47

⇓

Oh, yeah, I don't know. That's probably one of Frank's weird shell corporations.

#48

⇓

It doesn't matter. Who gives a shit? It's only 3%.

#49

⇓

Whoever gets Frank's 51% is the majority shareholder.

#50

⇓

That is who controls the bar.

#51

⇓

That is who gets the throne.

#52

⇓

Oh, there, there's a throne?

#53

⇓

Oh, sorry. No, I was just referring to the desk chair

#54

⇓

as the throne 'cause that's where the boss man sits.

#55

⇓

Ugh, gross. That chair smells like Frank's butt.

#56

⇓

It's not actually Frank's butt,

#57

⇓

I think it's a combination of all of our butt smells, you know?

#58

⇓

- That's worse. - Yeah.

#59

⇓

Why would anybody want that chair?

#60

⇓

No, no, it's not about the chair itself.

#61

⇓

It's what the chair represents.

#62

⇓

The chair represents power.

#63

⇓

- Oh. - Okay, all right.

#64

⇓

How do we divvy up Frank's shares then?

#65

⇓

Uh... Okay, well, um...

#66

⇓

I'll, I'll take them.

#67

⇓

You? You? You think we're gonna give the shares

#68

⇓

to the man who wants to pull a mutant

#69

⇓

from a mystery hole in the bar and live with him?

#70

⇓

All right, well, look, I'm just trying to come up with a system.

#71

⇓

We got to have a system here...

#72

⇓

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

#73

⇓

We do have a system for this!

#74

⇓

Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

#75

⇓

Oh, shit! Right. Yes, right!

#76

⇓

Paddy's Succession Plan.

#77

⇓

It was like a will that we drew up to help us determine

#78

⇓

who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event

#79

⇓

- of our untimely deaths. - That's right.

#80

⇓

We drank, like, three bottles of tequila

#81

⇓

and then we started talking about our legacy

#82

⇓

- and how important that was to us. - Oh!

#83

⇓

Got to have a legacy.

#84

⇓

- Oh, here we go. - Oh, oh! Yeah.

#85

⇓

- Okay. Read it! Read it! - Uh... On a paper plate, huh?

#86

⇓

- Read it! Read it! - "Paddy's succession plan.

#87

⇓

"Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth

#88

⇓

"and forevermore throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin."

#89

⇓

- Who had the pen here? - It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.

#90

⇓

What it means is every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.

#91

⇓

Right, right! Our firstborn!

#92

⇓

The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin?

#93

⇓

- Yeah. - We are the firstborn kin of Frank.

#94

⇓

Well, now, hang on, that's not, like, an official document.

#95

⇓

Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.

#96

⇓

Oh, that, yeah, there it is, "Trundle," written in blood.

#97

⇓

Oh, yeah, I was going by Trundle at the time, wasn't I?

#98

⇓

No, no, no. You were trying to write "Charlie" and you wrote "Trundle."

#99

⇓

No, I was going by "Trundle the Great."

#100

⇓

You came up with that after you miswrote it.

#101

⇓

Well, look, the point is you can't just take the bar based on a paper plate!

#102

⇓

Sorry, Charlie.

#103

⇓

I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

#104

⇓

I'm your humble servant.

#105

⇓

You're just gonna give it to them?

#106

⇓

That's a binding contract. Okay? You wrote it in blood.

#107

⇓

That's gonna hold up in a court of law and I know when to pick a side.

#108

⇓

I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

#109

⇓

Wait, hold on a second.

#110

⇓

You guys aren't even actually Frank's kid.

#111

⇓

Your Bruce Mathis' kid, all right?

#112

⇓

And I technically, might be Frank's kid.

#113

⇓

Charlie, I pledge my allegiance to you.

#114

⇓

Well, no, no, no, no. Wait a second, no.

#115

⇓

But Frank is a Reynolds

#116

⇓

- and we are Reynolds. - Yup.

#117

⇓

We're Reynolds.

#118

⇓

Yeah, and it's the name that carries on the line,

#119

⇓

not maybe being someone's bastard kid.

#120

⇓

It was always you guys. I tricked him, I tricked him. It was always you.

#121

⇓

It is the blood that binds

#122

⇓

and his blood is pumping through my veins.

#123

⇓

And I shall prove it.

#124

⇓

This is a little bit harder because he might win 'cause

#125

⇓

he had some good points. But you guys might win because...

#126

⇓

We don't give a shit about

#127

⇓

- what you're talking about! - It doesn't matter.

#128

⇓

Hey-o! There's my guy!

#129

⇓

Hey, I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay?

#130

⇓

I got the sausage, the Spam, the bacon.

#131

⇓

I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter.

#132

⇓

I don't want that, Charlie.

#133

⇓

I'm trying to get in shape.

#134

⇓

I read all about this phenomenon,

#135

⇓

that guy's bodies immediately turn to shit, the second they retire.

#136

⇓

- I got to work on it. - Oh, yeah?

#137

⇓

All right, well, you know, just, just take a peek, see if you like it.

#138

⇓

Uh, hey, listen, man, can I ask you something?

#139

⇓

What?

#140

⇓

Are you, like, um, my dad?

#141

⇓

What?

#142

⇓

Are, like, are you the, the father of me and shit?

#143

⇓

- We've been over this. - Yeah.

#144

⇓

- Your mother's a giant whore. - Right.

#145

⇓

I don't want to stress about this, Charlie.

#146

⇓

I'm retired. Leave me alone. I want to watch a little TV.

#147

⇓

- Yeah. All right. - Charlie, hey. Oh.

#148

⇓

- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? - Uh, yeah. Hey.

#149

⇓

Hey, um...

#150

⇓

...I came up with a really great idea, dude.

#151

⇓

Yeah?

#152

⇓

I'm gonna play both sides.

#153

⇓

- Why would you tell me that? - Should I not have?

#154

⇓

Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying to keep a secret from me,

#155

⇓

well, now I know.

#156

⇓

I should've. Should I tell them?

#157

⇓

No, I don't think you should tell either side

#158

⇓

'cause if you try to play both sides and they both know,

#159

⇓

you're not playing anybody.

#160

⇓

- What should I do now? - I don't, I don't give a shit.

#161

⇓

Why are you here?

#162

⇓

I'm here to prove my allegiance to you.

#163

⇓

Because I believe that you're the rightful heir.

#164

⇓

Okay, whatever.

#165

⇓

All right, well, I see, I see that you don't believe me.

#166

⇓

Why would I?

#167

⇓

So, I am prepared to take a blood oath with you.

#168

⇓

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

#169

⇓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, dude!

#170

⇓

Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!

#171

⇓

Oh, it hurts so much.

#172

⇓

- All right, quick, shake on it. - No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.

#173

⇓

Do you have something I could, I got to close this wound.

#174

⇓

All right, here it is, just plug it up.

#175

⇓

Ah, that was so not as cool as I thought it was gonna be.

#176

⇓

That sock's probably gonna get it more infected, though.

#177

⇓

All right, look, look, look, look, dude.

#178

⇓

- We got to prove that Frank is your dad. - I know.

#179

⇓

- He doesn't even... - That's make you the rightful heir.

#180

⇓

...want to have that conversation with me, okay?

#181

⇓

He's certainly not gonna get tested, you know?

#182

⇓

You know, he's really resistant to the whole thing.

#183

⇓

All right, well, then, we're gonna have to do some testing of our own.

#184

⇓

Yeah?

#185

⇓

I can choke a man out in four seconds flat.

#186

⇓

Oh, yeah?

#187

⇓

Yeah, I guess we could try that, or, uh...

#188

⇓

Yeah, all right.

#189

⇓

You know, I could probably take his blood right now. He's out.

#190

⇓

He's staring right at us.

#191

⇓

Yeah, he's been falling asleep with his eyes open like that, but he's way out.

#192

⇓

I mean, we could prick him. He won't feel a thing. Frank!

#193

⇓

- Anything? - Nothing!

#194

⇓

Not a single butt smell to that. How is that possible?

#195

⇓

I don't know. It's either this guy's butt or this brand of chair.

#196

⇓

It's got to be the brand, right?

#197

⇓

All right, we got to get one of these for our throne.

#198

⇓

Yeah. Yeah. Hey!

#199

⇓

Hey! Hey, what do you say, Doc?

#200

⇓

So, what is the verdict?

#201

⇓

Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?

#202

⇓

I don't know. I don't know who that is.

#203

⇓

What I do know is I came to work this morning

#204

⇓

to find a very large bucket of blood in my lab.

#205

⇓

Yeah, well, that's the sample, obviously, and, uh, you know,

#206

⇓

if it's too big, it's because Frank sprung a little bit of a leak there.

#207

⇓

Yeah, it was a mess, huh?

#208

⇓

- He was bleeding like crazy. - There was blood everywhere,

#209

⇓

but we caught enough of it, I think.

#210

⇓

Yeah, we must have cut a deep vein or something.

#211

⇓

Wait a second.

#212

⇓

Most of this came from one man?

#213

⇓

Did we take too much? I... I didn't think that we took too much.

#214

⇓

- No, it's... - Yes. You took too much.

#215

⇓

Also, there's traces of more than four individuals in here

#216

⇓

- and at least one animal. - Oh, shit.

#217

⇓

Was there blood in the bucket before?

#218

⇓

It is a blood bucket, so, yeah, there was old blood.

#219

⇓

I didn't come here to get sassed, okay?

#220

⇓

I came here to get an answer to my question.

#221

⇓

So is Frank Charlie's dad or not?

#222

⇓

The only thing that I can tell you is that,

#223

⇓

based off of how much blood is in this bucket,

#224

⇓

your friend is in desperate need of blood.

#225

⇓

All right, Dee, the bar is finally ours.

#226

⇓

Let's talk redecoration.

#227

⇓

Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm thinking chrome everywhere.

#228

⇓

- Mmm. - The other thing that's important to me,

#229

⇓

is a proper dance floor.

#230

⇓

That way, any time I want to just pop a boogie,

#231

⇓

I can do it wherever I am,

#232

⇓

and it won't be weird, you know what I mean?

#233

⇓

- Okay. - Oh, think of it, brother.

#234

⇓

With them out of the way, we can do as we please.

#235

⇓

Two butts, one throne.

#236

⇓

All right, you know what, you've been doing this all day.

#237

⇓

Why are you talking like that?

#238

⇓

- I'm just being, I'm being arch. - Why?

#239

⇓

Well, because we're being devious and we're plotting,

#240

⇓

and I just wanted to make sure that

#241

⇓

it was clear that we were devious and plotting.

#242

⇓

You don't need to indicate to me that you're being devious

#243

⇓

when you're actually being devious.

#244

⇓

I guess I had some concerns that you wouldn't pick up on it

#245

⇓

- if I didn't make it super clear. - Yeah.

#246

⇓

But the problem is if you start doing that,

#247

⇓

- everybody's gonna pick up on it. - Yeah.

#248

⇓

- And that defeats the purpose. - Yeah, got it.

#249

⇓

Dennis, Dee, quickly, we don't have much time.

#250

⇓

Charlie and I doctored a paternity test

#251

⇓

to make it look like Frank is Charlie's dad.

#252

⇓

But the tests were actually inconclusive

#253

⇓

there was too much blood in the bucket to tell.

#254

⇓

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I'm playing

#255

⇓

both sides so that I always come out on top.

#256

⇓

So, with this information, I'm gonna leverage you guys

#257

⇓

into making me the head of security

#258

⇓

- at the new Paddy's Pub. - Mmm.

#259

⇓

Okay, couple things right off the bat, there, pal.

#260

⇓

Number one, um, never tell one side that you're playing both sides.

#261

⇓

- Yeah. - And number two,

#262

⇓

if you are gonna play both sides,

#263

⇓

don't give away the information before you get what you want.

#264

⇓

Oh, shit.

#265

⇓

- Right, don't give away the information. - Yeah.

#266

⇓

All right, well, if I am

#267

⇓

- gonna play both sides, what should I do? - Oops.

#268

⇓

You're still telling us that you're playing both sides,

#269

⇓

- so why would we help you? - Uh...

#270

⇓

Okay, well, what if I make a blood oath,

#271

⇓

- uh, allegiance to you guys? - Oh!

#272

⇓

- Ooh. - Gross.

#273

⇓

Yeah, I, uh, I sliced it with Frank's toe knife,

#274

⇓

and it's not bleeding anymore,

#275

⇓

but maybe I could...

#276

⇓

Yeah, here, I'll just get it again.

#277

⇓

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

#278

⇓

- Oh, God! - Jesus, dude, that was the lime knife.

#279

⇓

Oh, I feel that, it stings.

#280

⇓

- Oh, Dee, here, shake my hand. - No, get away from me, gross.

#281

⇓

- Argh. Dennis? - No, your blood is disgusting.

#282

⇓

- Argh. What should I do? - Go to the doctor.

#283

⇓

Mac, why the hell'd you sprint ahead of me, man?

#284

⇓

Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.

#285

⇓

- Jesus Christ. - Wow.

#286

⇓

It doesn't matter. Okay, guys, I got some documentation here

#287

⇓

proving that I am the rightful heir to Frank's butt chair.

#288

⇓

- Yeah. - All right, Charlie, save it, save it.

#289

⇓

Mac already told us that, that's not a real paternity test.

#290

⇓

What the hell? You swore a blood oath to me.

#291

⇓

You never touched my blood, okay?

#292

⇓

All right, you know what, if you really want to work here,

#293

⇓

- kick Charlie out of here. - Hmm.

#294

⇓

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

#295

⇓

- No problem, dude. Charlie, let's go, bud. - Get...

#296

⇓

All right, I'm gonna carry you out.

#297

⇓

Oh, shit.

#298

⇓

Oh, my God, he is so heavy.

#299

⇓

He's, like, grounding himself with something.

#300

⇓

Now he's going limp.

#301

⇓

Come on, that's not fair.

#302

⇓

Help me out, here, Charlie. Help me out.

#303

⇓

That's it, dude, that's it. I'm choking you out.

#304

⇓

- Okay. - You're going out, dude,

#305

⇓

you're going to sleep.

#306

⇓

Good night, dude, good night, bitch.

#307

⇓

Your head of security just choked himself out.

#308

⇓

Hey, Frank, I know you're trying to be healthy,

#309

⇓

so I got you a hoagie with extra pickles in it.

#310

⇓

I figured you could use the veggies and stuff...

#311

⇓

Oh, shit!

#312

⇓

Hi, Charlie.

#313

⇓

What... What's going on with you, man?

#314

⇓

I forgot to dye my hair this morning.

#315

⇓

What's up with your teeth?

#316

⇓

I was eating some of Deandra's pyramid scheme berries.

#317

⇓

I was trying to get healthy.

#318

⇓

Right.

#319

⇓

I feel a little light-headed.

#320

⇓

All right, I'm sure it's nothing, you know.

#321

⇓

Probably just tired from working hard and then...

#322

⇓

The body crashes when...

#323

⇓

Did you fall asleep again?

#324

⇓

Frank?

#325

⇓

- Is he dead? - Oh, shit.

#326

⇓

- He looks bad. - What are you sneaking up on me for?

#327

⇓

Oh, listen, Dennis is acting weird and I don't like it.

#328

⇓

Now, I know he's got something planned, but he's not indicating,

#329

⇓

- so I don't know what it is. - Right.

#330

⇓

- No, I get that, I guess, so... - Yes, yes, exactly, Charlie.

#331

⇓

So, here's the plan.

#332

⇓

We need to outsmart him before he can have us murdered...

#333

⇓

- Are you okay? - ...and throw us in... Hmm?

#334

⇓

Do you need a glass of water or something?

#335

⇓

- No, I'm good. - What's happening?

#336

⇓

I'm, I'm being arch.

#337

⇓

- Oh. - We're doing a thing together,

#338

⇓

- so you know... - Oh.

#339

⇓

Yeah, no, I know,

#340

⇓

- just 'cause you're telling me what's up. - Okay, okay, fine.

#341

⇓

The point is we got to prove that you're the rightful heir to the throne.

#342

⇓

Yes, of course, that's why I got this plastic bag,

#343

⇓

'cause my blood bucket was inconclusive.

#344

⇓

- You just need a couple drops, so... - Mmm-hmm. Right.

#345

⇓

- ...let's open him up. - Yeah, all right,

#346

⇓

but you know, we got to be careful,

#347

⇓

you know, 'cause I think I took too much blood last time.

#348

⇓

- Is that what's going on? - Yeah.

#349

⇓

Okay, well, you just need a couple drops.

#350

⇓

Yeah, all right, just a prick.

#351

⇓

- Just a little prick. - Just a prick. Okay.

#352

⇓

- Oh, my God, so much blood! - Oh, so much blood,

#353

⇓

I think we hit an artery, Dee.

#354

⇓

- Look at this. - Yeah.

#355

⇓

- Oh, shit. - Is he okay?

#356

⇓

No, he's okay, you know, the duct tape'll stop it.

#357

⇓

Okay, let's just get...

#358

⇓

- Wait, oh, shit, this is leaking. - Oh, no.

#359

⇓

- Oh, shit, I'm holding it... - Wait, wait, stop, stop!

#360

⇓

- Oh, damn it. - Shoot, Charlie,

#361

⇓

I'm sorry. I was trying to help.

#362

⇓

I can't imagine it was gonna be a very good sample.

#363

⇓

Anyway, there are quite a few pickles

#364

⇓

- floating around in that bag. - Yeah, what I was thinking.

#365

⇓

- Shit. - Wait a second.

#366

⇓

Which one of you and Dennis was firstborn?

#367

⇓

We're twins.

#368

⇓

No, I know, I know, but, like, who did Barbara actually,

#369

⇓

like, pop out first?

#370

⇓

Oh, shit.

#371

⇓

Oh, Charlie.

#372

⇓

"Worst is first!"

#373

⇓

- What is that? - "Worst is first."

#374

⇓

My mom used to say that to me all the time because I was first

#375

⇓

and she thought I was the worst.

#376

⇓

- Holy shit, that's terrible... - Yeah!

#377

⇓

- ...but that's good for us. - Yeah!

#378

⇓

Okay, so that means you're the rightful heir to the butt chair.

#379

⇓

We can work with that.

#380

⇓

All right, let's get out of here, come on, we can't tell anybody about this,

#381

⇓

- all right? - Okay.

#382

⇓

- Yeah. Let's just go. - Let's... All right, let's just go.

#383

⇓

Always hated these.

#384

⇓

So, that's gonna change.

#385

⇓

Worst is first, dude. Worst is first.

#386

⇓

What are you talking about, man?

#387

⇓

Dee is conspiring against you.

#388

⇓

Charlie figured it out.

#389

⇓

"Worst is first."

#390

⇓

Charlie and Dee were getting blood from Frank

#391

⇓

when Charlie realized Dee was born first.

#392

⇓

Therefore, she's the rightful heir.

#393

⇓

Then I got a little bit more blood from Frank,

#394

⇓

'cause I feel like we're probably gonna use it in the future

#395

⇓

and he was already opened up, so who gives a shit?

#396

⇓

Okay, all right. How'd you get all this information?

#397

⇓

I was hiding in Frank's apartment, and then they went out into the hallway,

#398

⇓

and I heard them through the door.

#399

⇓

The best part is I'm gonna use this information

#400

⇓

to leverage you into giving me a better position under your reign.

#401

⇓

You just told me the infor...

#402

⇓

You know what? Forget it. Good job.

#403

⇓

Um, how about the position of my pawn,

#404

⇓

- how's that sound? - Pawn.

#405

⇓

- Yeah. - Pawns are cool, there's a lot of them,

#406

⇓

you know, they move diagonally.

#407

⇓

I've always thought that I move a little bit too much forward and back

#408

⇓

and I should be more like... Like...

#409

⇓

'Cause then, you can't see me if I'm coming at you like this.

#410

⇓

Like, sideways.

#411

⇓

Well, watch.

#412

⇓

Well, don't move your head, dude.

#413

⇓

All right, what if you keep your head there,

#414

⇓

- but close your eyes... - You know, it doesn't matter.

#415

⇓

I need you to do something for me.

#416

⇓

Oh... Oh, my God.

#417

⇓

That is crazy.

#418

⇓

It's the smell of a thousand butts.

#419

⇓

Hey! Dennis! Dennis, I did your bidding.

#420

⇓

- Good. - Yeah.

#421

⇓

Frank is on his way.

#422

⇓

But, dude, whatever it is you got planned, you better do it fast,

#423

⇓

because if Dee and Charlie get that birth certificate, you're screwed.

#424

⇓

Look, Mac, I told you, I've got it under control.

#425

⇓

- Everything is going according to my plan. - Right.

#426

⇓

- Worst is first! - Worst is first!

#427

⇓

Oh, brother, looks as though you've...

#428

⇓

- Stop doing that. It doesn't work. - No?

#429

⇓

Look, we found the birth certificate proving Dee was born first.

#430

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - Worst is first.

#431

⇓

Worst is first, yeah, and then Charlie and I, we made a blood oath,

#432

⇓

- so now we're in cahoots. - Yeah!

#433

⇓

Hey, Trundle, can I get in on that?

#434

⇓

- Ugh! - I'm on their side.

#435

⇓

- Nasty. - You idiots.

#436

⇓

Did you not think that I had anticipated this?

#437

⇓

While you were running around town like lunatics, chopping your hands to bits,

#438

⇓

I did a little bit of research.

#439

⇓

Turns out Franquito isn't a shell corporation after all.

#440

⇓

He's a person.

#441

⇓

Dee, you remember Josefina,

#442

⇓

- our maid from the early '80s? - Yeah.

#443

⇓

Well, it turns out Frank had been banging her for years,

#444

⇓

and just before we were born, he was...

#445

⇓

Franquito!

#446

⇓

Ven aca!

#447

⇓

Holy shit!

#448

⇓

- Whoa! - What?

#449

⇓

Yeah, look upon him.

#450

⇓

Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by the way,

#451

⇓

so don't try talking to him. But we worked something out.

#452

⇓

Yeah, Frank's shares go to him,

#453

⇓

'cause he's the firstborn,

#454

⇓

and then Franquito signs to me.

#455

⇓

It's game, set and match.

#456

⇓

Holy shit.

#457

⇓

What is happening right now?

#458

⇓

I'm not... I'm not feeling so well.

#459

⇓

Retirement is difficult.

#460

⇓

Anyway... Hey, Frank!

#461

⇓

Guess who this is.

#462

⇓

Haven't seen him in a while, have you?

#463

⇓

Come closer.

#464

⇓

It's your son.

#465

⇓

Franquito.

#466

⇓

Yes.

#467

⇓

Of course it is.

#468

⇓

Look how beautiful he is.

#469

⇓

Oh!

#470

⇓

My one true child. Come closer.

#471

⇓

Oh!

#472

⇓

You give me so much joy right now.

#473

⇓

And so, Frank, the bar shall go to him.

#474

⇓

- Oh! - Just need you to sign here and here.

#475

⇓

When a man is no longer needed in the tribe, his body betrays him.

#476

⇓

- Yeah. - When he has no purpose,

#477

⇓

the blood seems to drain from his body,

#478

⇓

leaving him a shell of the man he once was.

#479

⇓

All right, I don't know where you're going with this,

#480

⇓

- but can you just sign? - I'm unretiring.

#481

⇓

- What! What? - I have a plan.

#482

⇓

I will retain all,

#483

⇓

and Franquito will help me run the bar as my number two.

#484

⇓

What?

#485

⇓

Speaking of number two...

#486

⇓

Oh!

#487

⇓

Dude.

#488

⇓

Damn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.

#489

⇓

That's Frank's butt smell. That is it. I told you.

#490

⇓

That is the exact smell of the chair.

#491

⇓

Everything is better than it was before.

#492

⇓

- No, it isn't. - No.

#493

⇓

- It's so much worse. - I have my son to rule with me.

#494

⇓

No, you don't.

#495

⇓

- What do you mean? - Because Franquito's not your son.

#496

⇓

I made it all up.

#497

⇓

What? How?

#498

⇓

All right, look, guys, it's very simple.

#499

⇓

Seven years ago, I walked into a Wawa,

#500

⇓

and I saw this guy, and I thought, "Holy shit!

#501

⇓

"That guy looks just like Frank,

#502

⇓

"but, you know, Mexican."

#503

⇓

And then I came up with a plan where I could make Frank

#504

⇓

believe that he had a son with our maid Josefina all those years ago,

#505

⇓

and I could bilk him out of a shitload of money under the guise

#506

⇓

that the money was all going to his firstborn son, Franquito, when, in fact,

#507

⇓

the money was going to me.

#508

⇓

And it worked, too. It was a good plan.

#509

⇓

Yeah, but that's, like,

#510

⇓

incredibly devious, dude.

#511

⇓

I mean, you've been screwing Frank for years?

#512

⇓

You guys would have done that, too, right, if you'd thought of it?

#513

⇓

- Uh, I don't... I don't know. - I don't know, man. I mean...

#514

⇓

Yeah, I think you guys would have, but, either way, it doesn't matter, you know,

#515

⇓

'cause everything is, uh, as it should be, so let's grab some drinks.

#516

⇓

No, no, everything is not as it should be.

#517

⇓

Yeah.

#518

⇓

- You tried to screw us out of the bar. - Yeah.

#519

⇓

- You tried to steal the bar. - No, no, no, no,

#520

⇓

I was trying to get things to go back

#521

⇓

to the way they were, get him back on the throne,

#522

⇓

and, you know, so we could get back t o doing all the things

#523

⇓

that we love to do at Paddy's, you know, like, um,

#524

⇓

finding out what's at the bottom of a hole.

#525

⇓

- Shit. - Right? Did we ever...

#526

⇓

Did you guys ever find out what was at the bottom of that?

#527

⇓

- No, we dropped it completely. - Oh, yeah.

#528

⇓

Oh, shit, dude. There could be a Goonies situation down there, right?

#529

⇓

- Yeah, that's what I was thinking, yeah. - We were discussing it.

#530

⇓

- You know, the hole... - You feeling better?

#531

⇓

The hole in the bathroom? Yeah, I feel pretty good about this.

#532

⇓

- Let's go check it out. - Let's go pee in that hole.

#533

⇓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let's get in the bathroom.

#534

⇓

You want to try to flush that thing one more time?

#535

⇓

Ah, the hole.

#536

⇓

Oh, I'm so excited things are back to the way they were.

#537

⇓

Yes.

#538

⇓

Go play in your little hole, you fools.

#539

⇓

You still need me to stick around, or can I...

#540

⇓

No, Franquito. We're done here.

#541

⇓

- Can I get my five bucks? - Yes, you can get your five bucks.

#542

⇓

Goddamn, you're a greedy bastard.

#543

⇓