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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E09 — Frank Retires

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 9 — Frank Retires

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Frank Retires

Air date: March 11, 2015

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Frank decides to retire; the foursome begin to plot and plan ways for each of them to take control of the bar.

Source: TMDB

↓

We think it's a sinkhole! It's awesome!

awesome

↓

It's really not that awesome.

awesome

↓

It's blowing my mind!

blowing mind

↓

How is a hole in the ground blowing your mind?

blowing ground hole mind

↓

Look, I was a little bit skeptical at first, too,

skeptical

↓

but we've been playing with this thing for three hours now, and it's fantastic.

fantastic hours playing three three-hours

↓

I'm sorry, can I ask how do you play with a goddamn hole?

goddamn hole

↓

- We started throwing things down it. - Yeah.

started throwing

↓

Then we never heard it land. It'd just kind of rattle around down there.

heard land rattle

↓

We got a flashlight to see if we can see the bottom.

bottom flashlight

↓

- We couldn't. - Couldn't.

↓

Then I threw it down there,

threw

↓

- you know, to prove a point. - Mmm-hmm.

point prove

↓

What was the point?

point

↓

It was something to do with how metal travels faster than light or...

faster light metal travels

↓

No, it was that light is either on or off.

light

↓

There's no speed to light.

light speed

↓

It was an anti-science thing.

anti science

↓

This hole, it's very exciting, Dennis.

dennis exciting hole

↓

I mean, it represents infinite possibilities. It's endless.

endless infinite possibilities represents

↓

What if there's, like, a mutant living down there?

living mutant

↓

We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us.

live

↓

We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time.

hanging mutant

↓

Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said?

frank

↓

I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

conversation frustrating joke turned

↓

- The, uh... - Huh?

↓

- ...thing. - Oh, yeah.

↓

Frank, what do you think about this hole? Pretty cool, huh?

cool frank hole

↓

You want to do something with it?

↓

No. I don't.

↓

In fact, something just dawned on me.

fact

↓

I need to quit.

quit

↓

What? What are, what are you talking about?

↓

I don't care anything about this hole.

care hole

↓

I'm passionless.

passionless

↓

What are you saying, Frank?

frank

↓

I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

hereby officially paddys retire

↓

All right, now, with Frank retiring,

frank retiring

↓

I know we're all a little bit concerned about how that affects everyone's shares.

affects concerned everyones shares

↓

Frank owned 51% of Paddy's Pub and we own 46%.

frank owned paddys

↓

Well, we did, not, not Dee.

↓

She, she doesn't own shit.

↓

- Yeah, I know. Goddamn it. - Yeah, yeah.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

And, Charlie, you actually gave up most of your shares

charlie shares

↓

for various sandwiches and snacks and sundries and things.

sandwiches snacks various

↓

What the hell is a Franquito?

franquito

↓

It says, "Franquito owns 3% of Paddy's Pub?"

franquito owns paddys

↓

Oh, yeah, I don't know. That's probably one of Frank's weird shell corporations.

corporations franks shell weird

↓

It doesn't matter. Who gives a shit? It's only 3%.

gives matter

↓

Whoever gets Frank's 51% is the majority shareholder.

franks majority shareholder

↓

That is who controls the bar.

controls

↓

That is who gets the throne.

throne

↓

Oh, there, there's a throne?

throne

↓

Oh, sorry. No, I was just referring to the desk chair

chair desk referring

↓

as the throne 'cause that's where the boss man sits.

boss sits throne

↓

Ugh, gross. That chair smells like Frank's butt.

butt chair franks gross smells

↓

It's not actually Frank's butt,

butt franks

↓

I think it's a combination of all of our butt smells, you know?

butt combination smells

↓

- That's worse. - Yeah.

worse

↓

Why would anybody want that chair?

anybody chair

↓

No, no, it's not about the chair itself.

chair

↓

It's what the chair represents.

chair represents

↓

The chair represents power.

chair power represents

↓

- Oh. - Okay, all right.

↓

How do we divvy up Frank's shares then?

franks shares

↓

Uh... Okay, well, um...

↓

I'll, I'll take them.

↓

You? You? You think we're gonna give the shares

shares

↓

to the man who wants to pull a mutant

mutant pull wants

↓

from a mystery hole in the bar and live with him?

hole live mystery

↓

All right, well, look, I'm just trying to come up with a system.

system

↓

We got to have a system here...

system

↓

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

↓

We do have a system for this!

system

↓

Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

paddys plan remember

↓

Oh, shit! Right. Yes, right!

↓

Paddy's Succession Plan.

paddys plan

↓

It was like a will that we drew up to help us determine

determine drew

↓

who would get each one of our shares in the very likely event

event likely shares

↓

- of our untimely deaths. - That's right.

deaths

↓

We drank, like, three bottles of tequila

bottles drank tequila three three-bottles

↓

and then we started talking about our legacy

legacy started

↓

- and how important that was to us. - Oh!

↓

Got to have a legacy.

legacy

↓

- Oh, here we go. - Oh, oh! Yeah.

↓

- Okay. Read it! Read it! - Uh... On a paper plate, huh?

paper plate read

↓

- Read it! Read it! - "Paddy's succession plan.

paddys plan read

↓

"Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth

henceforth legacy paddys secure

↓

"and forevermore throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin."

firstborn throughout

↓

- Who had the pen here? - It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.

bitch makes makes-sense sense

↓

What it means is every one of our shares gets passed down to our firstborn.

firstborn passed shares

↓

Right, right! Our firstborn!

firstborn

↓

The shares get passed down to the firstborn kin?

firstborn passed shares

↓

- Yeah. - We are the firstborn kin of Frank.

firstborn frank

↓

Well, now, hang on, that's not, like, an official document.

document hang official

↓

Uh, well, you signed it in your blood.

blood signed

↓

Oh, that, yeah, there it is, "Trundle," written in blood.

blood trundle written

↓

Oh, yeah, I was going by Trundle at the time, wasn't I?

trundle

↓

No, no, no. You were trying to write "Charlie" and you wrote "Trundle."

charlie trundle write wrote

↓

No, I was going by "Trundle the Great."

trundle

↓

You came up with that after you miswrote it.

↓

Well, look, the point is you can't just take the bar based on a paper plate!

based paper plate point

↓

Sorry, Charlie.

charlie

↓

I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

dennis siding

↓

I'm your humble servant.

humble servant

↓

You're just gonna give it to them?

↓

That's a binding contract. Okay? You wrote it in blood.

binding blood contract wrote

↓

That's gonna hold up in a court of law and I know when to pick a side.

court pick side

↓

I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

dennis siding

↓

Wait, hold on a second.

second

↓

You guys aren't even actually Frank's kid.

franks

↓

Your Bruce Mathis' kid, all right?

bruce bruce-mathis mathis

↓

And I technically, might be Frank's kid.

franks might technically

↓

Charlie, I pledge my allegiance to you.

allegiance charlie pledge

↓

Well, no, no, no, no. Wait a second, no.

second

↓

But Frank is a Reynolds

frank reynolds

↓

- and we are Reynolds. - Yup.

reynolds

↓

We're Reynolds.

reynolds

↓

Yeah, and it's the name that carries on the line,

carries line name

↓

not maybe being someone's bastard kid.

bastard someones

↓

It was always you guys. I tricked him, I tricked him. It was always you.

tricked

↓

It is the blood that binds

blood

↓

and his blood is pumping through my veins.

blood pumping veins

↓

And I shall prove it.

prove

↓

This is a little bit harder because he might win 'cause

harder might

↓

he had some good points. But you guys might win because...

might points

↓

We don't give a shit about

↓

- what you're talking about! - It doesn't matter.

matter

↓

Hey-o! There's my guy!

↓

Hey, I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay?

frank grilled piping

↓

I got the sausage, the Spam, the bacon.

bacon sausage spam

↓

I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter.

butter cooked jelly pancake stick wrapped

↓

I don't want that, Charlie.

charlie

↓

I'm trying to get in shape.

shape

↓

I read all about this phenomenon,

read

↓

that guy's bodies immediately turn to shit, the second they retire.

bodies immediately retire second

↓

- I got to work on it. - Oh, yeah?

↓

All right, well, you know, just, just take a peek, see if you like it.

peek

↓

Uh, hey, listen, man, can I ask you something?

↓

What?

↓

Are you, like, um, my dad?

↓

What?

↓

Are, like, are you the, the father of me and shit?

father

↓

- We've been over this. - Yeah.

↓

- Your mother's a giant whore. - Right.

giant mothers whore

↓

I don't want to stress about this, Charlie.

charlie stress

↓

I'm retired. Leave me alone. I want to watch a little TV.

alone retired watch

↓

- Yeah. All right. - Charlie, hey. Oh.

charlie

↓

- Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? - Uh, yeah. Hey.

↓

Hey, um...

↓

...I came up with a really great idea, dude.

idea

↓

Yeah?

↓

I'm gonna play both sides.

sides

↓

- Why would you tell me that? - Should I not have?

↓

Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying to keep a secret from me,

secret

↓

well, now I know.

↓

I should've. Should I tell them?

shouldve

↓

No, I don't think you should tell either side

side

↓

'cause if you try to play both sides and they both know,

sides

↓

you're not playing anybody.

anybody playing

↓

- What should I do now? - I don't, I don't give a shit.

↓

Why are you here?

↓

I'm here to prove my allegiance to you.

allegiance prove

↓

Because I believe that you're the rightful heir.

believe heir rightful rightful-heir

↓

Okay, whatever.

↓

All right, well, I see, I see that you don't believe me.

believe

↓

Why would I?

↓

So, I am prepared to take a blood oath with you.

blood oath prepared

↓

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

↓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, dude!

↓

Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!

franks knife

↓

Oh, it hurts so much.

hurts

↓

- All right, quick, shake on it. - No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.

blood quick shake touch

↓

Do you have something I could, I got to close this wound.

close wound

↓

All right, here it is, just plug it up.

plug

↓

Ah, that was so not as cool as I thought it was gonna be.

cool

↓

That sock's probably gonna get it more infected, though.

infected socks

↓

All right, look, look, look, look, dude.

↓

- We got to prove that Frank is your dad. - I know.

frank prove

↓

- He doesn't even... - That's make you the rightful heir.

heir rightful rightful-heir

↓

...want to have that conversation with me, okay?

conversation

↓

He's certainly not gonna get tested, you know?

certainly tested

↓

You know, he's really resistant to the whole thing.

whole

↓

All right, well, then, we're gonna have to do some testing of our own.

testing

↓

Yeah?

↓

I can choke a man out in four seconds flat.

choke flat four four-seconds seconds

↓

Oh, yeah?

↓

Yeah, I guess we could try that, or, uh...

↓

Yeah, all right.

↓

You know, I could probably take his blood right now. He's out.

blood

↓

He's staring right at us.

staring

↓

Yeah, he's been falling asleep with his eyes open like that, but he's way out.

asleep eyes eyes-open falling open

↓

I mean, we could prick him. He won't feel a thing. Frank!

frank prick

↓

- Anything? - Nothing!

↓

Not a single butt smell to that. How is that possible?

butt possible single smell

↓

I don't know. It's either this guy's butt or this brand of chair.

brand butt chair

↓

It's got to be the brand, right?

brand

↓

All right, we got to get one of these for our throne.

throne

↓

Yeah. Yeah. Hey!

↓

Hey! Hey, what do you say, Doc?

↓

So, what is the verdict?

verdict

↓

Is Frank Charlie's dad or not?

charlies frank

↓

I don't know. I don't know who that is.

↓

What I do know is I came to work this morning

morning

↓

to find a very large bucket of blood in my lab.

blood bucket

↓

Yeah, well, that's the sample, obviously, and, uh, you know,

obviously sample

↓

if it's too big, it's because Frank sprung a little bit of a leak there.

frank leak sprung

↓

Yeah, it was a mess, huh?

mess

↓

- He was bleeding like crazy. - There was blood everywhere,

bleeding blood crazy

↓

but we caught enough of it, I think.

caught

↓

Yeah, we must have cut a deep vein or something.

deep must vein

↓

Wait a second.

second

↓

Most of this came from one man?

↓

Did we take too much? I... I didn't think that we took too much.

↓

- No, it's... - Yes. You took too much.

↓

Also, there's traces of more than four individuals in here

four individuals traces

↓

- and at least one animal. - Oh, shit.

animal least

↓

Was there blood in the bucket before?

blood bucket

↓

It is a blood bucket, so, yeah, there was old blood.

blood bucket

↓

I didn't come here to get sassed, okay?

↓

I came here to get an answer to my question.

answer question

↓

So is Frank Charlie's dad or not?

charlies frank

↓

The only thing that I can tell you is that,

↓

based off of how much blood is in this bucket,

based blood bucket

↓

your friend is in desperate need of blood.

blood desperate friend

↓

All right, Dee, the bar is finally ours.

finally

↓

Let's talk redecoration.

↓

Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm thinking chrome everywhere.

chrome thinking

↓

- Mmm. - The other thing that's important to me,

↓

is a proper dance floor.

dance dance-floor floor proper

↓

That way, any time I want to just pop a boogie,

boogie

↓

I can do it wherever I am,

↓

and it won't be weird, you know what I mean?

weird

↓

- Okay. - Oh, think of it, brother.

brother

↓

With them out of the way, we can do as we please.

↓

Two butts, one throne.

butts throne

↓

All right, you know what, you've been doing this all day.

↓

Why are you talking like that?

↓

- I'm just being, I'm being arch. - Why?

arch

↓

Well, because we're being devious and we're plotting,

devious plotting

↓

and I just wanted to make sure that

wanted

↓

it was clear that we were devious and plotting.

clear devious plotting

↓

You don't need to indicate to me that you're being devious

devious indicate

↓

when you're actually being devious.

devious

↓

I guess I had some concerns that you wouldn't pick up on it

concerns pick

↓

- if I didn't make it super clear. - Yeah.

clear super

↓

But the problem is if you start doing that,

problem start

↓

- everybody's gonna pick up on it. - Yeah.

everybodys pick

↓

- And that defeats the purpose. - Yeah, got it.

defeats purpose

↓

Dennis, Dee, quickly, we don't have much time.

dennis quickly

↓

Charlie and I doctored a paternity test

charlie test

↓

to make it look like Frank is Charlie's dad.

charlies frank

↓

But the tests were actually inconclusive

inconclusive tests

↓

there was too much blood in the bucket to tell.

blood bucket

↓

The reason I'm telling you all this is because I'm playing

playing reason telling

↓

both sides so that I always come out on top.

sides

↓

So, with this information, I'm gonna leverage you guys

information leverage

↓

into making me the head of security

head security

↓

- at the new Paddy's Pub. - Mmm.

paddys

↓

Okay, couple things right off the bat, there, pal.

couple

↓

Number one, um, never tell one side that you're playing both sides.

number playing side sides

↓

- Yeah. - And number two,

number

↓

if you are gonna play both sides,

sides

↓

don't give away the information before you get what you want.

information

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

- Right, don't give away the information. - Yeah.

information

↓

All right, well, if I am

↓

- gonna play both sides, what should I do? - Oops.

oops sides

↓

You're still telling us that you're playing both sides,

playing sides telling

↓

- so why would we help you? - Uh...

↓

Okay, well, what if I make a blood oath,

blood oath

↓

- uh, allegiance to you guys? - Oh!

allegiance

↓

- Ooh. - Gross.

gross

↓

Yeah, I, uh, I sliced it with Frank's toe knife,

franks knife sliced

↓

and it's not bleeding anymore,

anymore bleeding

↓

but maybe I could...

↓

Yeah, here, I'll just get it again.

↓

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

↓

- Oh, God! - Jesus, dude, that was the lime knife.

jesus knife lime

↓

Oh, I feel that, it stings.

stings

↓

- Oh, Dee, here, shake my hand. - No, get away from me, gross.

gross hand shake

↓

- Argh. Dennis? - No, your blood is disgusting.

argh blood dennis disgusting

↓

- Argh. What should I do? - Go to the doctor.

argh doctor

↓

Mac, why the hell'd you sprint ahead of me, man?

ahead

↓

Oh, 'cause I'm playing both sides.

playing sides

↓

- Jesus Christ. - Wow.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

It doesn't matter. Okay, guys, I got some documentation here

matter

↓

proving that I am the rightful heir to Frank's butt chair.

butt chair franks heir proving rightful rightful-heir

↓

- Yeah. - All right, Charlie, save it, save it.

charlie save

↓

Mac already told us that, that's not a real paternity test.

real test

↓

What the hell? You swore a blood oath to me.

blood oath swore

↓

You never touched my blood, okay?

blood touched

↓

All right, you know what, if you really want to work here,

↓

- kick Charlie out of here. - Hmm.

charlie kick

↓

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

↓

- No problem, dude. Charlie, let's go, bud. - Get...

charlie problem

↓

All right, I'm gonna carry you out.

carry

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

Oh, my God, he is so heavy.

heavy

↓

He's, like, grounding himself with something.

↓

Now he's going limp.

limp

↓

Come on, that's not fair.

fair

↓

Help me out, here, Charlie. Help me out.

charlie

↓

That's it, dude, that's it. I'm choking you out.

choking

↓

- Okay. - You're going out, dude,

↓

you're going to sleep.

sleep

↓

Good night, dude, good night, bitch.

bitch night

↓

Your head of security just choked himself out.

choked head security

↓

Hey, Frank, I know you're trying to be healthy,

frank healthy

↓

so I got you a hoagie with extra pickles in it.

extra hoagie pickles

↓

I figured you could use the veggies and stuff...

figured stuff

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Hi, Charlie.

charlie

↓

What... What's going on with you, man?

↓

I forgot to dye my hair this morning.

forgot hair morning

↓

What's up with your teeth?

teeth

↓

I was eating some of Deandra's pyramid scheme berries.

berries eating pyramid pyramid-scheme scheme

↓

I was trying to get healthy.

healthy

↓

Right.

↓

I feel a little light-headed.

headed light

↓

All right, I'm sure it's nothing, you know.

↓

Probably just tired from working hard and then...

hard tired working working-hard

↓

The body crashes when...

body crashes

↓

Did you fall asleep again?

asleep fall fall-asleep

↓

Frank?

frank

↓

- Is he dead? - Oh, shit.

dead

↓

- He looks bad. - What are you sneaking up on me for?

sneaking

↓

Oh, listen, Dennis is acting weird and I don't like it.

acting acting-weird dennis weird

↓

Now, I know he's got something planned, but he's not indicating,

planned

↓

- so I don't know what it is. - Right.

↓

- No, I get that, I guess, so... - Yes, yes, exactly, Charlie.

charlie

↓

So, here's the plan.

plan

↓

We need to outsmart him before he can have us murdered...

murdered

↓

- Are you okay? - ...and throw us in... Hmm?

throw

↓

Do you need a glass of water or something?

glass water

↓

- No, I'm good. - What's happening?

↓

I'm, I'm being arch.

arch

↓

- Oh. - We're doing a thing together,

↓

- so you know... - Oh.

↓

Yeah, no, I know,

↓

- just 'cause you're telling me what's up. - Okay, okay, fine.

telling

↓

The point is we got to prove that you're the rightful heir to the throne.

heir point prove rightful rightful-heir throne

↓

Yes, of course, that's why I got this plastic bag,

course plastic

↓

'cause my blood bucket was inconclusive.

blood bucket inconclusive

↓

- You just need a couple drops, so... - Mmm-hmm. Right.

couple drops

↓

- ...let's open him up. - Yeah, all right,

open

↓

but you know, we got to be careful,

careful

↓

you know, 'cause I think I took too much blood last time.

blood

↓

- Is that what's going on? - Yeah.

↓

Okay, well, you just need a couple drops.

couple drops

↓

Yeah, all right, just a prick.

prick

↓

- Just a little prick. - Just a prick. Okay.

prick

↓

- Oh, my God, so much blood! - Oh, so much blood,

blood

↓

I think we hit an artery, Dee.

artery

↓

- Look at this. - Yeah.

↓

- Oh, shit. - Is he okay?

↓

No, he's okay, you know, the duct tape'll stop it.

duct

↓

Okay, let's just get...

↓

- Wait, oh, shit, this is leaking. - Oh, no.

leaking

↓

- Oh, shit, I'm holding it... - Wait, wait, stop, stop!

holding

↓

- Oh, damn it. - Shoot, Charlie,

charlie shoot

↓

I'm sorry. I was trying to help.

↓

I can't imagine it was gonna be a very good sample.

imagine sample

↓

Anyway, there are quite a few pickles

pickles

↓

- floating around in that bag. - Yeah, what I was thinking.

floating thinking

↓

- Shit. - Wait a second.

second

↓

Which one of you and Dennis was firstborn?

dennis firstborn

↓

We're twins.

twins

↓

No, I know, I know, but, like, who did Barbara actually,

barbara

↓

like, pop out first?

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

Oh, Charlie.

charlie

↓

"Worst is first!"

worst

↓

- What is that? - "Worst is first."

worst

↓

My mom used to say that to me all the time because I was first

used

↓

and she thought I was the worst.

worst

↓

- Holy shit, that's terrible... - Yeah!

holy

↓

- ...but that's good for us. - Yeah!

↓

Okay, so that means you're the rightful heir to the butt chair.

butt chair heir rightful rightful-heir

↓

We can work with that.

↓

All right, let's get out of here, come on, we can't tell anybody about this,

anybody

↓

- all right? - Okay.

↓

- Yeah. Let's just go. - Let's... All right, let's just go.

↓

Always hated these.

hated

↓

So, that's gonna change.

change

↓

Worst is first, dude. Worst is first.

worst

↓

What are you talking about, man?

↓

Dee is conspiring against you.

conspiring

↓

Charlie figured it out.

charlie figured

↓

"Worst is first."

worst

↓

Charlie and Dee were getting blood from Frank

blood charlie frank

↓

when Charlie realized Dee was born first.

born charlie realized

↓

Therefore, she's the rightful heir.

heir rightful rightful-heir therefore

↓

Then I got a little bit more blood from Frank,

blood frank

↓

'cause I feel like we're probably gonna use it in the future

future

↓

and he was already opened up, so who gives a shit?

gives opened

↓

Okay, all right. How'd you get all this information?

howd information

↓

I was hiding in Frank's apartment, and then they went out into the hallway,

apartment franks hallway hiding

↓

and I heard them through the door.

door heard

↓

The best part is I'm gonna use this information

best best-part information part

↓

to leverage you into giving me a better position under your reign.

giving leverage position reign

↓

You just told me the infor...

↓

You know what? Forget it. Good job.

forget

↓

Um, how about the position of my pawn,

pawn position

↓

- how's that sound? - Pawn.

pawn sound

↓

- Yeah. - Pawns are cool, there's a lot of them,

cool

↓

you know, they move diagonally.

↓

I've always thought that I move a little bit too much forward and back

forward

↓

and I should be more like... Like...

↓

'Cause then, you can't see me if I'm coming at you like this.

coming

↓

Like, sideways.

sideways

↓

Well, watch.

watch

↓

Well, don't move your head, dude.

head

↓

All right, what if you keep your head there,

head

↓

- but close your eyes... - You know, it doesn't matter.

close eyes matter

↓

I need you to do something for me.

↓

Oh... Oh, my God.

↓

That is crazy.

crazy

↓

It's the smell of a thousand butts.

butts smell thousand

↓

Hey! Dennis! Dennis, I did your bidding.

bidding dennis dennis-dennis

↓

- Good. - Yeah.

↓

Frank is on his way.

frank

↓

But, dude, whatever it is you got planned, you better do it fast,

fast planned

↓

because if Dee and Charlie get that birth certificate, you're screwed.

birth certificate charlie screwed

↓

Look, Mac, I told you, I've got it under control.

control

↓

- Everything is going according to my plan. - Right.

according plan

↓

- Worst is first! - Worst is first!

worst

↓

Oh, brother, looks as though you've...

brother

↓

- Stop doing that. It doesn't work. - No?

↓

Look, we found the birth certificate proving Dee was born first.

birth born certificate found proving

↓

- Mmm-hmm. - Worst is first.

worst

↓

Worst is first, yeah, and then Charlie and I, we made a blood oath,

blood charlie oath worst

↓

- so now we're in cahoots. - Yeah!

↓

Hey, Trundle, can I get in on that?

trundle

↓

- Ugh! - I'm on their side.

side

↓

- Nasty. - You idiots.

idiots nasty

↓

Did you not think that I had anticipated this?

anticipated

↓

While you were running around town like lunatics, chopping your hands to bits,

bits chopping hands lunatics running town

↓

I did a little bit of research.

research

↓

Turns out Franquito isn't a shell corporation after all.

corporation franquito shell turns

↓

He's a person.

person

↓

Dee, you remember Josefina,

remember

↓

- our maid from the early '80s? - Yeah.

early maid

↓

Well, it turns out Frank had been banging her for years,

banging frank turns years

↓

and just before we were born, he was...

born

↓

Franquito!

franquito

↓

Ven aca!

↓

Holy shit!

holy

↓

- Whoa! - What?

whoa

↓

Yeah, look upon him.

↓

Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by the way,

english speak

↓

so don't try talking to him. But we worked something out.

worked

↓

Yeah, Frank's shares go to him,

franks shares

↓

'cause he's the firstborn,

firstborn

↓

and then Franquito signs to me.

franquito signs

↓

It's game, set and match.

game match

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

What is happening right now?

↓

I'm not... I'm not feeling so well.

feeling

↓

Retirement is difficult.

difficult retirement

↓

Anyway... Hey, Frank!

frank

↓

Guess who this is.

↓

Haven't seen him in a while, have you?

seen

↓

Come closer.

closer

↓

It's your son.

↓

Franquito.

franquito

↓

Yes.

↓

Of course it is.

course

↓

Look how beautiful he is.

↓

Oh!

↓

My one true child. Come closer.

child closer

↓

Oh!

↓

You give me so much joy right now.

↓

And so, Frank, the bar shall go to him.

frank

↓

- Oh! - Just need you to sign here and here.

sign

↓

When a man is no longer needed in the tribe, his body betrays him.

body longer longer-needed needed tribe

↓

- Yeah. - When he has no purpose,

purpose

↓

the blood seems to drain from his body,

blood body drain seems

↓

leaving him a shell of the man he once was.

leaving shell

↓

All right, I don't know where you're going with this,

↓

- but can you just sign? - I'm unretiring.

sign

↓

- What! What? - I have a plan.

plan

↓

I will retain all,

retain

↓

and Franquito will help me run the bar as my number two.

franquito number

↓

What?

↓

Speaking of number two...

number speaking

↓

Oh!

↓

Dude.

↓

Damn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.

cleaned

↓

That's Frank's butt smell. That is it. I told you.

butt franks smell

↓

That is the exact smell of the chair.

chair exact smell

↓

Everything is better than it was before.

↓

- No, it isn't. - No.

↓

- It's so much worse. - I have my son to rule with me.

rule worse

↓

No, you don't.

↓

- What do you mean? - Because Franquito's not your son.

↓

I made it all up.

↓

What? How?

↓

All right, look, guys, it's very simple.

simple

↓

Seven years ago, I walked into a Wawa,

seven seven-years walked wawa years

↓

and I saw this guy, and I thought, "Holy shit!

holy

↓

"That guy looks just like Frank,

frank

↓

"but, you know, Mexican."

mexican

↓

And then I came up with a plan where I could make Frank

frank plan

↓

believe that he had a son with our maid Josefina all those years ago,

believe maid years

↓

and I could bilk him out of a shitload of money under the guise

money shitload

↓

that the money was all going to his firstborn son, Franquito, when, in fact,

fact firstborn franquito money

↓

the money was going to me.

money

↓

And it worked, too. It was a good plan.

plan worked

↓

Yeah, but that's, like,

↓

incredibly devious, dude.

devious incredibly

↓

I mean, you've been screwing Frank for years?

frank screwing years

↓

You guys would have done that, too, right, if you'd thought of it?

↓

- Uh, I don't... I don't know. - I don't know, man. I mean...

↓

Yeah, I think you guys would have, but, either way, it doesn't matter, you know,

matter

↓

'cause everything is, uh, as it should be, so let's grab some drinks.

drinks grab

↓

No, no, everything is not as it should be.

↓

Yeah.

↓

- You tried to screw us out of the bar. - Yeah.

screw tried

↓

- You tried to steal the bar. - No, no, no, no,

steal tried

↓

I was trying to get things to go back

↓

to the way they were, get him back on the throne,

throne

↓

and, you know, so we could get back t o doing all the things

↓

that we love to do at Paddy's, you know, like, um,

love paddys

↓

finding out what's at the bottom of a hole.

bottom finding hole

↓

- Shit. - Right? Did we ever...

↓

Did you guys ever find out what was at the bottom of that?

bottom

↓

- No, we dropped it completely. - Oh, yeah.

completely dropped

↓

Oh, shit, dude. There could be a Goonies situation down there, right?

situation

↓

- Yeah, that's what I was thinking, yeah. - We were discussing it.

discussing thinking

↓

- You know, the hole... - You feeling better?

feeling hole

↓

The hole in the bathroom? Yeah, I feel pretty good about this.

bathroom hole

↓

- Let's go check it out. - Let's go pee in that hole.

check hole

↓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Let's get in the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

You want to try to flush that thing one more time?

flush

↓

Ah, the hole.

hole

↓

Oh, I'm so excited things are back to the way they were.

excited

↓

Yes.

↓

Go play in your little hole, you fools.

fools hole

↓

You still need me to stick around, or can I...

stick

↓

No, Franquito. We're done here.

franquito

↓

- Can I get my five bucks? - Yes, you can get your five bucks.

bucks five five-bucks

↓

Goddamn, you're a greedy bastard.

bastard goddamn greedy