Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S10E07 — Mac Kills His Dad

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 10, Episode 7 — Mac Kills His Dad

A tragic ferry accident today.

#1

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Apparently, a ferry rammed into the shoreline at full speed

#2

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near a local power plant there.

#3

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There are multiple fatalities and injuries reported at this hour.

#4

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That's really depressing. How do you lose control of a ferry? They're slow as shit.

#5

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- Guy must've been drunk. - Yeah.

#6

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Hey-yo! Check out my new threads. Picked them up at the airport.

#7

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- What were you doing at the airport? - I don't know, just farting around.

#8

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I found this shop full of this stuff.

#9

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- Look at that! I got some for everybody. - Ooh!

#10

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"Life is happy"? What the hell is that?

#11

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Well, it's clothing that supports a positive message.

#12

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I mean, you wear it and you celebrate that life is happy, baby.

#13

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In other news, a man is in custody for murder of a state witness

#14

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who was brutally beheaded by an assailant wielding a stop sign.

#15

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A man seeking justice is beheaded by a maniac with a stop sign.

#16

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You're right, Frank, life is happy.

#17

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The suspect in custody is a 59-year-old repeat felon

#18

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by the name of Luther McDonald.

#19

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Holy shit, that's my dad!

#20

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If convicted, McDonald could face the death penalty.

#21

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Can you believe what they're saying about my dad having killed that guy?

#22

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- Mmm... - Yeah.

#23

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- Yeah, why... Why wouldn't I believe that? - No way. This has got to be bullshit.

#24

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He's innocent, and I'm not gonna let the State kill him.

#25

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I'm gonna save my dad's life.

#26

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- Thanks for coming with me, man. - Well, you're forcing me to.

#27

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- Yeah, well... Yeah. - So I'm here.

#28

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Of course, of course.

#29

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We got to show support for my dad, right?

#30

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We got to let him know that we know he didn't do it.

#31

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- I know, but I believe that he did, so... - Well, are you gonna be cool?

#32

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I'll be cool. As long as he doesn't ask us to shove heroin up our ass again,

#33

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- I'll be cool. - He might, and I might do it.

#34

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You would enjoy it more than I would.

#35

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- Here he comes. - Oh, here he comes.

#36

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Oh, Dad! He looks great, huh?

#37

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Dad! Hey! How are you?

#38

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It's been so long! Look! I brought a picture of Mom here

#39

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just to make you feel more at home.

#40

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She looks good, right?

#41

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And, uh, me... What about me? How do I look? Do I look cool?

#42

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- Give it a rest. - Do I look cool?

#43

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What do you want?

#44

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Uh, we... We just wanted to come by and tell you that we believe

#45

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that there is no way that you did this.

#46

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You didn't do it, right, Dad?

#47

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No.

#48

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Right. I knew it! Another innocent man being railroaded by the system!

#49

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Besides, there's no way that you could've done this.

#50

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You have a bad shoulder. That's why you'd never have a catch with me, remember?

#51

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- Right. - Yeah.

#52

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Yeah, well, Charlie and I just want to let you know

#53

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that we will not rest until you are proven innocent.

#54

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Look, I got a lawyer appointed to me. It'll be fine.

#55

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No, uh, sorry, uh, Mr. Mac, uh, you really don't want

#56

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to put your life in the hands of a public defender.

#57

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I mean, those guys are absolute clowns.

#58

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I tell you what, I'd be interested to take a look at your case,

#59

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you know, if you want a little outside help.

#60

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I specialize in bird law mostly, but I know my way...

#61

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Stay out of this! Both of you!

#62

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I do not want you stirring things up!

#63

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You hear me?

#64

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Yeah, I, I hear you, Dad.

#65

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Um, one last thing, though. I love you, and I...

#66

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Oh, I love you! I love you, Dad!

#67

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I love you! He can't hear me 'cause of this...

#68

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- He definitely heard you. - And the glass is too thick.

#69

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I think there's something... something wrong with that.

#70

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- Yeah, sure. - Uh, all right.

#71

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We're now being told the ferry captain was intentionally

#72

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trying to steer the ferry into the nearby power plant.

#73

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The captain has tested negative for alcohol and drugs.

#74

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The guy wasn't even drunk!

#75

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This was a sober man purposely steering a ship into a power plant.

#76

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Oh, God, the world is a depressing place.

#77

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You guys are depressing.

#78

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I'm trying to enjoy my cone over here.

#79

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Turn that crap off!

#80

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Yeah, baby!

#81

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There they are! The usual suspects!

#82

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Pondy! Just the man I want to see! Now, this man loves life!

#83

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I'd love to get into some shots. Line them up, Frankie. Line them up!

#84

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Now we got some positive vibes in here.

#85

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You are his AA sponsor, right?

#86

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Never change, Dee. I love it! Come on! Do a shot with me.

#87

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- Come on. Shot, shot! - Shot!

#88

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I gotta say I feel like a shot might make me feel better.

#89

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I think I need to do a shot at this point.

#90

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- All right, to the brim. - Let's go, Frank. All right.

#91

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You're looking pretty dapper there. You hittin' it hard, or what?

#92

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- I'm celebrating today, baby. - Oh, yeah?

#93

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- What's the special occasion? - Yeah.

#94

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I'm gonna kill myself.

#95

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What?

#96

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Yeah, no, no, I'm gonna drink myself to death.

#97

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Yeah, I botched it. Life, you know?

#98

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Old B.P. had a good run, though, you know?

#99

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It's like there's this tiny little soul man in my body driving me around.

#100

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That little soul man's ready to power old Bill down

#101

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and move on to the next party monster.

#102

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Aw, come on, you guys own a bar, right?

#103

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You watch people slowly kill themselves every day, am I right?

#104

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Keep it open.

#105

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Charlie, this is a huge waste of time.

#106

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No, no, no, this is standard procedure.

#107

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They do this on every crime show.

#108

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You know, the murder police come down to the scene of the crime

#109

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and they find some blue-collar guy, and they talk to him while he's working.

#110

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Let's just talk to this guy over here. He could know something, right?

#111

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- Why would he know anything? - He's moving crates from one place to...

#112

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Will you just listen to me? All right?

#113

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- Excuse me, sir, do you work here? - Yeah.

#114

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Please, don't stop your work. They never do on TV.

#115

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Go ahead and place that bag down.

#116

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Now, are you familiar with the beheading that took place here last week?

#117

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- Are you a cop? - No,

#118

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but I do work on the behalf of the accused.

#119

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I'm taking care of his interests and whatnot.

#120

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This is his son, uh, Ronald.

#121

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You're Luther's kid?

#122

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Yeah. That's right, bozo. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes

#123

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to make sure he doesn't get the death penalty.

#124

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- Is that a threat? - Why don't you tell us what you saw.

#125

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- I didn't see either of those guys, okay? - There was more than one guy?

#126

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I said too much. I don't want any trouble, okay?

#127

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Then stop giving us trouble, and tell us if there was another guy.

#128

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My lips are sealed, guys.

#129

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Then unseal them, or I'll unseal them for you!

#130

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Hey, hey! What the hell are you doing? You can't threaten this guy.

#131

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Threaten? I wasn't threatening him.

#132

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How do you not know what a threat sounds like?

#133

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- Oh, you mean the "lips" thing? - Yes, the "lips" thing.

#134

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He's got words in his lips. I needed to get them out.

#135

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I know the words are in his lips, I saw them in there.

#136

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Just let me... You know, let me coax them out.

#137

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Otherwise, you're gonna freak the guy out.

#138

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Just let me handle it, okay? Sir, your lips are fine. I... Great.

#139

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- That happens to us way too much. - Yeah.

#140

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I mean, I don't really care that much about Bill,

#141

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I just don't want him dying in the bar. We've had too many deaths there already.

#142

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We should probably try not to have another one.

#143

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- Let's cut it off. - We gotta show Pondy life is worth living.

#144

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Right. I'm not real excited about Maureen being a part of this, but we'll do it.

#145

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Ah.

#146

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- What... - Hello, Dennis.

#147

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Oh, God. Maureen, what's going on with your face? What have you done?

#148

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I've had a few surgical procedures to enhance my natural beauty.

#149

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You look like a cat.

#150

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Yes, exactly. Cats are beautiful.

#151

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- Where are your breasts? - Oh, they're in my face.

#152

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Great. I don't really have time for this shit,

#153

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so have you gathered Bill's family for us?

#154

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Me-yes.

#155

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You kids remember Uncle Dennis.

#156

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He came to talk to us about something important. Go ahead, baby.

#157

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- Yeah. Uh... - Are you two getting back together?

#158

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- Oh, no. - I think so.

#159

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- Oh, no. Never. - Uh, okay.

#160

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Um, listen, you guys, your dad,

#161

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he needs your help right now. He's in a pretty tough spot.

#162

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I don't call him "Dad."

#163

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I call him Mr. Cock Sucker, 'cause he sucks so many cocks.

#164

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Weird. Uh, I'm not going to call him that, okay?

#165

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- I'll refer to him as "Bill," I guess... - Yeah.

#166

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Okay, so, listen, here's the thing.

#167

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He is at our bar right now drinking himself to death.

#168

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Oh, that's fantastic.

#169

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What? No, that's not fantastic. The man's trying to kill himself.

#170

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If he dies, we get money.

#171

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When I get my money, I want to buy a new cell phone.

#172

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I'm gonna buy a gun, because I'm the man of the house.

#173

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Oh, shit, no. This kid should not have a...

#174

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No, no. Please.

#175

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We're trying to show Bill that life is worth living.

#176

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- Your dad loves you. - No, he doesn't.

#177

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- Oh. - Yeah.

#178

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- Has he not said it? I'm telling you... - He does.

#179

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No. He told me. He said, "I do not love you. You're a punk."

#180

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He called me too fat to be a slut,

#181

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and tried to serve me an omelet with cocaine in it.

#182

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Listen, guys, this is about forgiving Bill, your dad, okay?

#183

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- It's not about blaming him. - No.

#184

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Oh, I blame you, too. You and the other hookers he slept with.

#185

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Hold on a second. I'm not a hooker. I never have been.

#186

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- You're a hooker. - You're a fat slut!

#187

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Oh, oh. Oh, okay. Hey, hey, hey.

#188

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And you, you ruined his sister with the divorce, and look at her face.

#189

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- She looks like a cat. - Cats are magical.

#190

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I kind of like... I mean, maybe you could get some fur.

#191

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- Oh, I like that idea. - What are you talking... No!

#192

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Do you think you could do a tail?

#193

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- I don't see why I couldn't do a tail. - Don't, don't... No.

#194

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You could go full cat and start wearing humans on your sweatshirt.

#195

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No one is turning themselves into a goddamn cat with my money!

#196

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Can we focus here?

#197

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Let's get back to showing Bill that life is happy.

#198

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Bill's a lying, cheating, drug-addict piece of garbage, and we all hope he dies.

#199

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Yeah.

#200

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Hey, Dad. Hey, um, so, I... I know you told us to stay out of it.

#201

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But we found out that there was another guy.

#202

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Also, we got a stop sign and recreated the murder,

#203

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and there's no way that you could've swung that.

#204

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Actually, I kind of jacked my shoulder up a bit, too.

#205

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Do you realize what you've done?

#206

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No. Yeah. I told him, Mr. Mac. I said, "Stealing a stop sign, that's a felony,"

#207

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and as your counsel, I did advise against it.

#208

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I'm talking about you going to the crime scene.

#209

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Word's out my son is intimidating witnesses.

#210

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Now, that makes me look like I'm guilty.

#211

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- Oh. - Oh, yeah.

#212

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- Your dad would be a good lawyer. - His idea.

#213

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But, look, the point is, we found out that this other guy exists.

#214

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All we need to do is get his name, and then I can rat on him.

#215

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Do not be a rat!

#216

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Stop trying to handle it,

#217

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or I am going to have to handle you.

#218

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Okay?

#219

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Okay, Daddy.

#220

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Oh.

#221

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- I love you, Dad. - Oh, let it go. Let it go.

#222

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- It's just I thought maybe... - Yeah.

#223

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- It's not broken. - No. Yeah, it's working fine, isn't it?

#224

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No, it works. He seemed a little upset.

#225

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All right, plan B here.

#226

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I got an idea. Why don't we check the guest record?

#227

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Right? Because maybe that guy came to visit my dad.

#228

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- Oh, the other guy signed in? - Yes.

#229

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And, uh, that's a good point.

#230

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Luther McDonald visited by Bonnie Kelly?

#231

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- Holy shit! - Well, that's the same name as my mom.

#232

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It is your mom.

#233

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Nah. I'm sure there's plenty of Bonnie Kelly's.

#234

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They probably all sign their name with those weird, squiggly lines...

#235

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Cursive? Are you talking about cursive, dude?

#236

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Uh... Cursing?

#237

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Cursive. Everybody can under... Okay, look, doesn't matter.

#238

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We have to figure out why she came to visit my dad.

#239

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And why is she signing my mom's name?

#240

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God damn it. God damn it.

#241

⇓

- Hey! - Bill, we want to talk to you.

#242

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Hey, you guys see this?

#243

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There was another ferry that ran into the power plant.

#244

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Copycat crime.

#245

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- Hilarious, right? - No!

#246

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No. There are black and white areas in life, Bill, and that's a black area.

#247

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Look, turn it off.

#248

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We want to focus on the positive in life now, Pondy.

#249

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Yeah, yeah, which is why we're all wearing

#250

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- these ill-fitting T-shirts. - Yeah. Right.

#251

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Okay, we want to show you some reasons why life is worth living.

#252

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- Yeah. - And, Dennis, you're up.

#253

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Okay, so I like a good mani-pedi.

#254

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- Ah. - Yeah, I like a good, healthy nail.

#255

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I love one. You know, you get your nail beds clean,

#256

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- you get your cuticles pushed back, right? - Oh, yeah.

#257

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- You get your hangnails all trimmed up... - That's great.

#258

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...by one of those nice ladies over there.

#259

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You know, a lot of those are sex workers.

#260

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- Uh... - Yeah, the gals at the nail salon there,

#261

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yeah, they're prostitutes.

#262

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They're trafficked in, usually in shipping containers.

#263

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I mean, they're, like, crammed in there, you know,

#264

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like sardines, shipped with sardines sometimes.

#265

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- Oh. - It's ugly, but the point is,

#266

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those ladies doing your nails probably tugged a guy off right before you.

#267

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- They ship 'em in in shipping containers? - Yeah.

#268

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That's depressing as hell. Goddamn!

#269

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- All right, Dee? You, you're up, yeah. - Me?

#270

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Yeah. Hey, Bill, you know, for me, uh, really, it's just the simple things

#271

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that I like in my life like a moonlight walk or a cozy, warm nap.

#272

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Or a delicious, ripe piece of fruit,

#273

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- you know? - Oh, there you go.

#274

⇓

- Oh. - Mmm.

#275

⇓

Sex workers use fruit during the act.

#276

⇓

- What? - Yeah. Yeah, well, the citrus

#277

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masks the taste of a dirty penis.

#278

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In fact, 95% of fruit has usually been in someone's orifice

#279

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before it even reaches the market.

#280

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Okay. Okay, I'm done.

#281

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- He's ruined fruit for me, so I'm done. - You've made fruit depressing.

#282

⇓

All right, well, I got this.

#283

⇓

Okay, all right, what makes me happy... It's like, you know, at night,

#284

⇓

a ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time.

#285

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When I'm on my way home, I'll pass a bum.

#286

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I take a balloon with some champagne in it,

#287

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lob it out and bean him.

#288

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He only gets a bit in his mouth. He doesn't get the whole thing.

#289

⇓

- Right. - Not even a full sip of it.

#290

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And you say, "Hey, how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit?"

#291

⇓

- Hey, that's... - God, that is awful!

#292

⇓

That is a horrible thing to do to another human being!

#293

⇓

God damn you! Hey, get over here, Frank. Get over here.

#294

⇓

Okay, that's it. I'm done.

#295

⇓

All right? This is depressing as shit. I'm not doing this anymore.

#296

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In fact, I'm starting to think that his family was right.

#297

⇓

You guys, what if we took out a life insurance policy on the guy?

#298

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If he's gonna do it anyway, we might as well make money off of it.

#299

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- That's dark. - Yeah, I know.

#300

⇓

But can you take a life insurance policy out on anybody? Does it work that way?

#301

⇓

Mm, it's a gray area, but I think I got a guy,

#302

⇓

I could twist his arm, we can get one.

#303

⇓

Okay, I say we embrace the gray area of life, okay?

#304

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Because what we're doing is not working.

#305

⇓

What, the State can murder somebody without them even wanting to die,

#306

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but a grown man can't kill himself if he wants to?

#307

⇓

- A man should be able to end his life... - He's a grown American man.

#308

⇓

- We're American. - To hell with him. We tried. I give up.

#309

⇓

- Great. Glad you're on our side. - Mm.

#310

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- You're a terrible sponsor, by the way. - Yeah.

#311

⇓

Okay, so why were you visiting Luther, Mom?

#312

⇓

- I went to go... - She don't know nothin' about nothin'.

#313

⇓

All right, look, we know there was another guy in on this, all right?

#314

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So, come on, anything you can give us.

#315

⇓

He was staying here for a few months.

#316

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He was here for a few months? Mom, why wouldn't you tell me that?

#317

⇓

Okay, well, was he here on the night of the murder?

#318

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Uh, no.

#319

⇓

- Mom, don't lie, okay? - Okay, yes.

#320

⇓

- Quiet, Bonnie. - No, no.

#321

⇓

Mom, if you know something, you got to tell me.

#322

⇓

I can't lie to my Charlie.

#323

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- Good! Tell me everything. - Okay. They were both here.

#324

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They were both inside me.

#325

⇓

Eduardo was in my mouth, and Luther was in my butt.

#326

⇓

Oh, my God, no, don't tell me everything. What? No! What?

#327

⇓

Damn it, Bonnie.

#328

⇓

- Eduardo who? - Sanchez.

#329

⇓

Holy shit! Tell us more.

#330

⇓

Then Luther went in Eduardo's butt for a while.

#331

⇓

Tell us less. Tell us less.

#332

⇓

Then they both "completed" on each other. I... I was left out of the finale.

#333

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And then Eduardo went out and then he killed somebody,

#334

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and then... Well, that's all I know.

#335

⇓

Jesus goddamn Christ, Mom. If you know that, just say that.

#336

⇓

Don't tell me the whole thing about banging every guy that comes in the house.

#337

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If you know the part about the murder, just say the murder part!

#338

⇓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God, this is crazy.

#339

⇓

You guys know what this means?

#340

⇓

That my father was trying to establish dominance, and that's the only reason

#341

⇓

- he was in his butt or... - Why are you focused on that?

#342

⇓

- Well, it's about power. - We have our guy now.

#343

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I feel like we should make that known,

#344

⇓

- that it's about power, okay? - Let's not make any of it known.

#345

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- We got to go to the police. - Don't be a rat.

#346

⇓

All right, look, Mrs. Mac, we're not gonna rat, all right?

#347

⇓

We're gonna figure something else out. Good?

#348

⇓

Okay, you're off words again.

#349

⇓

Great. And, Mom, don't bang every guy that comes into the house.

#350

⇓

- How about that? - Okay, I won't, sweetie.

#351

⇓

Okay.

#352

⇓

It is my gift to you.

#353

⇓

This is great. Thank you.

#354

⇓

Guys, guys, guys, we've had a major break in my dad's case.

#355

⇓

What's Ponderosa doing here?

#356

⇓

Oh, he's gonna drink himself to death,

#357

⇓

so we took out a life insurance policy on him.

#358

⇓

Oh, cool, yeah. Pretty dark, though, right?

#359

⇓

- We've been over this. We justified this. - Don't worry about it. We're okay with it.

#360

⇓

Fair enough. Turns out that Mac's dad didn't kill the guy.

#361

⇓

No, there was another man in on this.

#362

⇓

Yeah, it's gonna look really bad if I rat on this man, Eduardo Sanchez,

#363

⇓

- so I can't say his name. - Uh...

#364

⇓

- You just did. You just ratted him out. - You said his name.

#365

⇓

By the way, another guy being there doesn't mean that your dad didn't do it.

#366

⇓

He might've done it with the other guy.

#367

⇓

Oh, no, my dad established dominance over this man.

#368

⇓

- All right, let's not... - Oh, what does that mean?

#369

⇓

- What's this? - There's some weird prison sex going on.

#370

⇓

He may or may not have been a power bottom.

#371

⇓

Bottom line is he talked his lover into doing the murder for him.

#372

⇓

Not his lover, his prison bitch.

#373

⇓

- Hey, what if I confess? Hmm? - What?

#374

⇓

Yeah, I could take my own life while saving your dad's. Everybody wins.

#375

⇓

Well, yeah, except everyone would think that you decapitated

#376

⇓

a man with a stop sign.

#377

⇓

Ooh, even better! Oh, that'll really embarrass the wife.

#378

⇓

Okay, I like where this is going, but I got to bring something up here.

#379

⇓

If you were to do that,

#380

⇓

- and I don't want to be crass or... - Oh.

#381

⇓

- But how would that affect the... - Yeah.

#382

⇓

- Oh, we still get the money. - Yeah?

#383

⇓

- I bought the most expensive policy. - Great.

#384

⇓

- Let's go confess, baby! - Yeah.

#385

⇓

I can't... I'm sorry. I just... I don't get how it's dominant

#386

⇓

if they finished on each other.

#387

⇓

- Yeah. - How is that dominant?

#388

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It's dominant because he finished first.

#389

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Then he allowed Eduardo to finish. That's why he's dominant.

#390

⇓

No, you're making that up. You don't know that.

#391

⇓

Oh, there's Bill. Here we go.

#392

⇓

Oh, hey.

#393

⇓

Well, I did it. I confessed.

#394

⇓

Why aren't you in handcuffs then?

#395

⇓

Weirdest thing, I'm sitting in the interrogation room,

#396

⇓

you know, sobering up a little bit, looking at myself

#397

⇓

in the two-way mirror and I kept reading this shirt.

#398

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, I started thinking, "You know what, life is happy."

#399

⇓

I want to live!

#400

⇓

Well, then what did you confess about?

#401

⇓

Eduardo Sanchez. That guy you were talking about?

#402

⇓

Turns out he's some big gang member that they've been after for years.

#403

⇓

Yeah, your dad's innocent.

#404

⇓

Holy shit, my dad's gonna get off.

#405

⇓

That means I'm a hero! I did it!

#406

⇓

Dad, Dad, we did it.

#407

⇓

- We did it. - Yeah, we did it!

#408

⇓

They're gonna nail this Eduardo Sanchez guy and you're gonna walk free.

#409

⇓

I saved you.

#410

⇓

- Saved me? - Yeah.

#411

⇓

You buried me.

#412

⇓

Now everyone in here thinks I'm a rat.

#413

⇓

They're gonna kill me in here. Because of you.

#414

⇓

I'm... I'm sorry. I still love you.

#415

⇓

I don't.

#416

⇓

He definitely heard you. You know, he can hear you.

#417

⇓

Yeah, he can. He didn't mean that, though. He's just upset.

#418

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