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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S09E08 — Flowers for Charlie
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Season 9, Episode 8 — Flowers for Charlie
>> MAC: So what if I didn't go to college?
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John McClane didn't go to college.
#2
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He defeats the bad guys using street smarts, and I got street
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smarts.
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>> DENNIS: Mac, you do realize John McClane's a fictional
#5
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character who's voicing lines written by screenwriters who
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almost certainly went to college.
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>> DEE: Yeah, but Bruce Willis dropped out of college, and that
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supports Mac's argument.
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>> Yeah!
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>> Uh, no it doesn't, Dee.
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And the fact that you can't understand that leads me to
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believe that you are complete and total dum-dum, and therefore
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are not going to get selected for this intelligence
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experiment.
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>> Welcome, everybody, and thank you for volunteering in this
#16
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intelligence experiment.
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I'm afraid, however, that we can only use one test subject.
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>> I-I'm sorry, before you continue, um, I noticed you said
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"volunteering," which implies a lack of compensation.
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>> Volunteering's for suckers.
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>> Yes, the selected subject will receive $1,000 in
#22
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compensation.
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>> DEE: There you go.
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>> That's what we're talking!
#25
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>> Hey. That's more like it.
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Okay, and listen, when it comes to intelligence, I think
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you'll find that I am your man.
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>> Or perhaps a man is not what you're looking for at all.
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>> I'm afraid my friend Dennis confuses book learning with
#30
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brainpower.
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But you and me, we know different, huh?
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>> Uh, "you and I."
#33
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>> What? No, not you and I.
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Him and I, idiot.
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>> In case I was being unclear, nerds, I will bang one or both
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of you.
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>> Dee, this man is smart enough to know to avoid a proposition
#38
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like that from someone like you.
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>> To be clear, we're not looking for a subject with
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superior intelligence.
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In fact, the complete opposite would be, um, uh, preferable.
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Excuse me for a minute.
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I'm sorry, wait, wait!
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That's a... sorry.
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What are you doing?
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>> CHARLIE: I was gonna bash your rat and take care of your
#47
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rat problem.
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>> Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please, this is, this is our lab
#49
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rat.
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His name's Armitage Shanks.
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If he solves the maze, he gets the cheese.
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And since we've been feeding Armitage a cerebral enhancement
#53
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formula, he's been solving these mazes seven times faster.
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We'd like to try a formula out on a human subject.
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What would you think about something like that?
#56
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A pill that could make you seven times smarter.
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[Armitage Shanks squeaking]
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>> Cheese, huh?
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Yeah, all right.
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[buzzer sounds] Ow! Shit!
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>> What's your name, young man?
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>> It's Charlie.
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Hold up, dude, I want to get this cheese here.
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[buzzer sounds] Aah! Shit!
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>> Why don't you try the cheese under the green light, Charlie?
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>> I want this cheese.
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[buzzer sounds]
#68
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Aah!
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>> Ladies and gentlemen, we have found our test subject.
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Thank you all very much for coming.
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Thank you all very much for coming.
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>> Aw, Frank, you're intruding upon my education.
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>> This is crazy, Charlie.
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That's crazy.
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>> Aw, shut up.
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>> Whoa, what the hell is this?
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What are you doing, man?
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>> Well, I'm trying to learn Mandarin and listen to Beethoven
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at the same time.
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You see, I just realized that I have two ears, so it's a waste
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to only listen to one thing.
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>> Let me guess this straight.
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You just realized that you have
#84
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two ears?
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>> Taking a pill is not gonna make you smarter, Charlie.
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>> I don't know about that, Frank.
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I've listened to five books on tape already this morning, five.
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>> Charlie, come on, any idiot can listen to books on tape.
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You're only doing that because you can't read, all right?
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Trust me, if you're feeling any smarter, it's just a classic
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case...
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>> BOTH: ... of the placebo effect.
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>> I considered that, but I don't think that's it, Dennis.
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>> Whatever, you don't even know what the word placebo...
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>> Placebo means from the Latin "placebo," meaning "I shall
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please."
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I listened to a chapter on that this morning.
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>> This is...
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>> Such bullshit?
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>> I wasn't gonna say...
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>> Gonna say that?
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>> Dude, just because you're finishing our sentences, doesn't
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make you s-s-s...
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>> BOTH: Intelligent.
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>> Oh!
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[Charlie laughs] >> Guys, guys, we've got a huge
#107
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problem back there.
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>> Ugh, big rat, like the biggest ever in the back office.
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>> Uh, that sounds like Charlie work, so, Charlie, why don't you
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hop on that, and be smart about it.
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>> Good pleasantry, cute.
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How about no?
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>> What do you mean "no"?
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>> How about you kill the rat?
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You know what, that might occupy you guys for about a week or so,
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and that'll give me some time to continue my education in peace.
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That be nice. Let's do that.
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>> What are you talking about?
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>> A week? To kill a rat?
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Wh-wh-what kind of a genius rat are we talking about?
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>> You have to be a real moron to get outsmarted by a rat,
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dude.
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>> Well, bonjours,killing the the rat, my friends.
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♪ >> Oh, and then I realized,
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Tang-See, that these so-called friends of mine have been
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exploiting my labor for years.
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>> An astute observation.
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Conforms with Marxist theories about the exploitation of the
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proletariat.
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>> It completely conforms when you think about it.
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Ah, Tang-See, these-these pills are having quite
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an effect on me.
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And the combination with my readings is really leading me
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into some rather large ideas.
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I think I could be on the verge of something groundbreaking.
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>> Yes.
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The work you're proposing will revolutionize the field.
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>> Exactly, right?
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Now, Tang-See, let's-let's talk for a second.
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What do you think my IQ is now?
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And be honest.
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>> Well, what do you think it is?
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>> 175?
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>> Wow.
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>> You know. Probably, yeah.
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Now, I'm thinking if I were to double the dosage, I could break
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200 easily.
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>> You have to be careful, Charlie.
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This is uncharted waters here.
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Have you been having any side effects?
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>> Yes. Okay, yes.
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There's-there's been a-a slight ringing in my ears.
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My-my legs grow numb from time to time.
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I ache all over if I'm being honest, but...
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[door opens] >> I got Mongolian barbecue and
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Police Academy: Mission to Moscow.
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>> Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, I got to stop you.
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Uh, tonight is really not the best night for that, so I'm
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sorry, man.
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>> But, Charlie, it's Gruesome Twosome Tuesday.
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>> Yeah, uh, I know it is, pal, but...
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>> What?
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>> I'm-I'm on the verge of something really groundbreaking
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here and I-I really shouldn't be playing these childish games
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anymore, nor should you.
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>> We're the Gruesome Twosome.
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>> You don't have to keep saying that, I know...
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[Frank grunting] The sound effects won't
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help you.
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>> The Gruesome Twosome.
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[Frank grunting] >> They don't further your
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argument in any way.
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[Frank grunting] [speaking Mandarin]
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>> You speak Mandarin?
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>> Well, I do think I'm getting it a little bit.
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[both speaking Mandarin] [both laughing]
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[both speaking Mandarin] [rat squeaking]
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>> Hey, Mac, Mac, I've located him-- he's right near the hole.
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>> Oh, good, let me bash him!
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>> No, no, no... [shushes] Oh, goddamn it.
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He scurried away.
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>> All right, well, when he comes back, I'm gonna smash him
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up good.
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>> No, no, Mac, come on.
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We're smarter than that.
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That's just gonna spread rat blood and disease all over the
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place.
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It's not about brute force.
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It's about seduction.
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See, I'm gonna place some enticing tunes for the little
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guy.
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And then I'm gonna bait this glue trap with some Brie cheese.
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>> ♪ And I want you here With me
#194
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♪ From tonight until The end of time
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You should know... ♪ >> Hey, you guys catch that rat
#196
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yet?
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>> Any minute now, Dee.
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>> I'm telling you, glue traps are barbaric and messy.
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I have come up with the intelligent solution.
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Ultrasonic rodent repellant.
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It emits a high-pitched sound that obliterates their teeny rat
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eardrums.
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Stupid rats.
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>> Uh, those things don't work, Dee.
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>> Oh, no?
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Okay, how about we do a little wager.
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The rat gets trapped to your glue trap and you win.
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The rat scurries away and never comes back again, then I am
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crowned the smartest in the...
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Oh, God, gross.
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Is that cheese?
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Get it off me!
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Get it off, I'm st... I'm stuck to your glue!
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You guys!
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>> You've trapped yourself on a trap that was designed for a
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rodent with a brain the size of a walnut.
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>> Now a normal-size woman would probably just be able to slide
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her hand right out, but with those giant man hands...
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>> Yeah, you really don't stand a chance, Dee.
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>> Okay, I get it.
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[rat squeaking] Do you hear that?
#222
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I hear it-- oh, God, it's coming!
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It's coming to eat its cheese.
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You guys, help!
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>> Odd that it hasn't been repelled by your supersonic rat
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scarer, Dee.
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>> Guys! It's on me!
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It's on my hand!
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Oh, it's climbing up my hand to eat the cheese.
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>> Now, where this gets interesting is when the rat
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finishes the cheese.
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>> Ooh, yes, maybe it'll nibble her hand down to a tiny, bloody
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stump, then she could just slide it right out.
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>> Hey.
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>> Ah, goddamn it, it's gone.
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It ate its cheese and then it ran away.
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It didn't get stuck to the glue.
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>> Huh, maybe this rat is a little bit smarter than we gave
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it credit for, Mac.
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>> Hmm.
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>> He is whatever, I mean, is he okay? Sure.
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Is he fine?
#243
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He's fine.
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All I'm saying is that Stephen Hawking is much more of a Lady
#245
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Gaga than, you know, Johann Sebastian Bach.
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He-he's not, he's a pop culture figure like the Kardashians, you
#247
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know?
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>> Hmm.
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[high-pitched ringing] >> God.
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>> Are you all right?
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>> Yes, that's the shooting pain in the eye.
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Jot that down, please.
#253
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[speaking Mandarin] Huh?
#254
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Yes, I heard-heard the words.
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>> I'm learning Mandarin.
#256
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It means "You got that right."
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>> Yes, Frank, I got what right, though?
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>> The thing about the cripple.
#259
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>> What cripple?
#260
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Why are you speaking?
#261
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>> Stephen Hawking.
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>> Dear God, we were talking about that like ten minutes ago.
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>> But I didn't know what I was gonna say.
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I had to look it up.
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>> You never know what you're gonna say, and that's the
#266
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problem, isn't it?
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[speaking Mandarin] >> Say that again?
#268
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[Charlie speaking Mandarin] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
#269
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whoa, whoa, you're going too fast, I can't...
#270
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Go slower.
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>> Frank, I cannot go slower for you!
#272
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Checkmate, Tang-See, wake up.
#273
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Open your eyes, listen.
#274
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I cannot go slower.
#275
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Frank, I am thinking on the physical level, the metaphysical
#276
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level, the pataphysical level.
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Every time you open your mouth, you drag me down into the mud,
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and-and really, my-my...
#279
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[high-pitched ringing] [groaning]
#280
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>> What?
#281
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You got a pain?
#282
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Charlie, I'm telling you.
#283
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Those pills are no good for you.
#284
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They're hurting you, those pills.
#285
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They're turning you into someone you're not.
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[Tang-See speaking Mandarin] Shut up!
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>> [laughing]: Okay, okay.
#288
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Don't get cute, Tang-See, you're not much smarter than he is.
#289
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Checkmate.
#290
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>> Well, you know, it-it, uh... hmm...
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>> Try jerking it again.
#292
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>> Jerked it, I mean, I've jerked it so many times.
#293
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I've jerked and squirmed and squiggled.
#294
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>> This is crazy.
#295
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I mean, we should be able to figure this out.
#296
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>> Ooh, oh!
#297
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What about gasoline?
#298
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Pour a little bit of gasoline on there, dissolve some of the
#299
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glue.
#300
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>> You are a brilliant man, yes!
#301
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Try it.
#302
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>> Yeah, gasoline is a solvent.
#303
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That's basic chemistry.
#304
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Smart, Mac, smart, go grab some.
#305
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>> Oh. Yeah.
#306
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>> Yeah, all right. Oh, we got to be careful though because
#307
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gasoline is volatile and highly combustible so let's use extreme
#308
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caution.
#309
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>> Of course, only an idiot would just use gasoline
#310
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willy-nilly.
#311
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>> It's gonna work.
#312
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>> Okay.
#313
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>> And in the interest of safety, I'm gonna go ahead and
#314
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just make sure that this is, in fact, gasoline because Charlie
#315
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likes to keep booze in here sometimes.
#316
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>> That's true, he does do that.
#317
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>> Mm-hmm.
#318
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[sniffs] >> Yeah!
#319
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Yeah, yeah, that's definitely...
#320
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[whoops] >> Let me double check because,
#321
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you know, you're sense of smell has always been pretty stupid.
#322
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>> You want to...?
#323
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>> Yeah, yeah, let me just check it out.
#324
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[sniffs] >> Oh, oh, Christ, that's good
#325
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stuff... that's high-test.
#326
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>> Can I get a toot down here?
#327
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>> Yeah, yeah, go for it, go for it.
#328
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[sniffs] >> Ooh, guys, yes.
#329
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>> Are you sure it's gasoline though?
#330
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I should just try it again.
#331
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[Dee whoops] Jesus, Jesus!
#332
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That's gasoline.
#333
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>> All right, let's blast off.
#334
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Engage thrusters, Captain.
#335
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>> Oh, all right, well, ground control, I'll take some.
#336
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>> Holy shit.
#337
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>> As long as we're blasting.
#338
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>> You know what?
#339
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Let's pop off on this shit a little bit, then let's get back
#340
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to business.
#341
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>> Yeah, okay.
#342
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>> This is making me feel...
#343
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>> Oh, shit, there he goes.
#344
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[rat squeaking] >> Oh, he's a squirrely little
#345
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bastard, isn't he?
#346
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>> You son of a bitch.
#347
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>> He's making I and you look dumb.
#348
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>> Yeah... uh...
#349
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"I and you." No, me and you, me, you, me, I.
#350
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It was you and I?
#351
⇓
You and I...
#352
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>> Me and you look dumb.
#353
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>> [laughs] Dumb.
#354
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>> It's got to be...
#355
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>> Dumb is a funny word.
#356
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>> ...me and... Dumb is a funny word.
#357
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>> Dumb.
#358
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>> Dumb.
#359
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>> Pass the gas.
#360
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>> Dumb.
#361
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>> Pass it, pass it.
#362
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>> Pass the gas.
#363
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[all laughing] [Charlie speaks quietly]
#364
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[scoffs] [laughs]
#365
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>> Oh, yeah, you're reading now?
#366
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Since when do you read?
#367
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>> Oh, hello, hello.
#368
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Uh, well, I was just glancing at War and Peace,and let me
#369
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tell you, I side with Shakespeare on brevity.
#370
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"Brevity is the soul of wit."
#371
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Which, uh...
#372
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Do I have to put on training wheels for this conversation or
#373
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is, uh... What is this?
#374
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What are you doing?
#375
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>> I'm having dinner with you.
#376
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>> I see, you've lifted the restraining order?
#377
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>> Oh, no, no, no.
#378
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I'm not lifting the restraining order, but Frank paid me $500 to
#379
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be here, and so I'm having dinner with you.
#380
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>> Ah, I see.
#381
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>> Do you? 'Cause I don't.
#382
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I didn't ask questions though.
#383
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>> Well, it's all rather transparent really, isn't it?
#384
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Frank and I have always been very close as you know, uh, but
#385
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I've turned a corner, if you will, with my life recently.
#386
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I have new, more substantial interests, new friends, better
#387
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suited for those interests, so understandably Frank is feeling
#388
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somewhat marginalized.
#389
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Now, he's gone out of his way to enlist your aid, uh, in hopes
#390
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that my deep infatuation with you will, uh, perhaps pull me
#391
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away from those people and those pursuits that have, in turn,
#392
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been pulling me away from Frank as of late.
#393
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>> What now?
#394
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>> Frank's using you to get to me.
#395
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How are you? Never mind.
#396
⇓
Moving on. Beaujolais?
#397
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Why don't you have a little bit, loosen up.
#398
⇓
That'll get rid of that uninviting edge.
#399
⇓
So, uh, tell me about yourself.
#400
⇓
Are you quite well these days?
#401
⇓
>> Well, uh, actually, I'm, like, okay because my boss,
#402
⇓
like, at the restaurant, he, like, totally doesn't get me.
#403
⇓
I mean, he thinks that being a waitress is, like, what I am,
#404
⇓
and I'm like, "That doesn't define me, dude, okay?
#405
⇓
[high-pitched ringing] Like, I'm saving up to open
#406
⇓
my own nail salon."
#407
⇓
[distantly]: And I have come up with all of these great names
#408
⇓
for a nail salon.
#409
⇓
Um, some of them are, like, The Hand Whisperer or Finger
#410
⇓
Fantasy.
#411
⇓
And I've been watching Tabatha Takes Over a lot because it's a
#412
⇓
show that takes place in salons.
#413
⇓
Finger Fantasy.
#414
⇓
Finger Fantasy.
#415
⇓
I've been watching this show called Tabatha Takes Over...
#416
⇓
Tabatha Takes Over, Tabatha Takes Over.
#417
⇓
And I have been watching Tabatha Takes Overa lot, because it's
#418
⇓
a show that takes place in...
#419
⇓
[jaunty music plays] [cat yowls]
#420
⇓
>> Yeah, see?
#421
⇓
The mouse always wins.
#422
⇓
There's... there's, like, no winning with mices.
#423
⇓
>> Cat keeps getting hurt.
#424
⇓
>> He gets hurt.
#425
⇓
>> Well, it's dangerous, yeah.
#426
⇓
>> What the hell are you guys doing?
#427
⇓
>> We're trying to watch cat and mouse cartoons to find out how
#428
⇓
kitty cats deal with their rat issues.
#429
⇓
>> If Charlie was still around, none of this would be happening.
#430
⇓
He's distracted with that damn literature and science crap.
#431
⇓
[TV switches off] Charlie is our foundation.
#432
⇓
Where does a foundation belong?
#433
⇓
>> Yes.
#434
⇓
>> On top.
#435
⇓
>> On the bottom.
#436
⇓
>> Oh.
#437
⇓
>> On the bottom.
#438
⇓
>> We gotta go grab Charlie and drag him back down into the
#439
⇓
sewer where he belongs.
#440
⇓
>> Oh...
#441
⇓
>> Well, well...
#442
⇓
>> I can't, see, I've been outsmarted by a rat and right
#443
⇓
now I'm stuck on its glue trap.
#444
⇓
>> Did you try the gasoline, loosening it?
#445
⇓
>> All over it.
#446
⇓
That didn't work, but you know what does work?
#447
⇓
Breathing it in.
#448
⇓
[laughs] >> Deandra, are you holding onto
#449
⇓
the trap?
#450
⇓
>> No.
#451
⇓
>> Oh, I don't... I don't know.
#452
⇓
>> Let go of the trap.
#453
⇓
[trap clatters to floor] [laughing]
#454
⇓
>> No...
#455
⇓
No.
#456
⇓
>> That's so stupid.
#457
⇓
>> All right, come on.
#458
⇓
We gotta go get Charlie.
#459
⇓
>> Uh, no, no.
#460
⇓
>> We'll do it. We'll...
#461
⇓
>> Let's do it tomorrow.
#462
⇓
>> We'll nap first.
#463
⇓
>> I'm gonna go to sleep.
#464
⇓
>> Could you turn the TV back on?
#465
⇓
>> Tomorrow's good.
#466
⇓
♪ >> Ladies and gentlemen, you're
#467
⇓
about to see the results of a bold experiment in human
#468
⇓
intelligence.
#469
⇓
>> He's totally different.
#470
⇓
Totally different person.
#471
⇓
>> We'll bring our test subject out now, and I think you'll find
#472
⇓
him a rather incredible specimen.
#473
⇓
Tang-See.
#474
⇓
[whirring] >> [raspy]: Ah...
#475
⇓
>> What is happening?
#476
⇓
>> [British accent]: Thank you, Tang-See, my-my dear,
#477
⇓
dear friend.
#478
⇓
[clears throat] A simple pill...
#479
⇓
ingested by a man who received a simple idea, a simple thought
#480
⇓
so clear and sharp that it cut through his mind like a soft
#481
⇓
cheese and led him to an invention.
#482
⇓
>> Is he doing an accent?
#483
⇓
>> Yeah.
#484
⇓
>> Every now and then, there are new modalities, new ways of
#485
⇓
being and understanding our world.
#486
⇓
This invention-- my invention-- will change everything.
#487
⇓
For the better, one hopes.
#488
⇓
But the good of the scorpion is not the good of the frog, yes?
#489
⇓
[laughing] [coughing]
#490
⇓
You must excuse me.
#491
⇓
I've grown quite weary.
#492
⇓
>> Come on.
#493
⇓
>> Finally, my friends, at long last the day has come.
#494
⇓
We have the means, the understanding, the technology...
#495
⇓
to allow spiders to talk with cats!
#496
⇓
[audience gasps, exclaims] [murmuring]
#497
⇓
[cat meows] >> Our exploration into the
#498
⇓
effect of environment upon intelligence was, alas, a
#499
⇓
complete failure.
#500
⇓
Self-confidence instilled by a placebo "intelligence pill" and
#501
⇓
consistently reinforced by my assistant Tang-See did not, in
#502
⇓
fact, make the test subject smarter.
#503
⇓
It did, however, yield fascinating results.
#504
⇓
Uh, the most measurable effect was a sharp uptick in arrogance.
#505
⇓
>> The subject was perfectly ready to believe he had learned
#506
⇓
Mandarin in two days.
#507
⇓
>> Tang-See!
#508
⇓
[speaking Mandarin gibberish] >> Again, this is complete
#509
⇓
gibberish.
#510
⇓
The subject believed himself to be a mathematical wizard.
#511
⇓
>> ...plus nine equals box.
#512
⇓
All right?
#513
⇓
That's where the cat goes.
#514
⇓
>> And in the space of an hour, the subject has lost all
#515
⇓
interest in a woman with whom he had been in love for years,
#516
⇓
because of her perceived stupidity relative to himself.
#517
⇓
>> Perhaps the most interesting were the series of side effects
#518
⇓
that he believed himself to be having.
#519
⇓
Uh, debilitating aches and pains.
#520
⇓
It was all-all in his mind.
#521
⇓
>> Huh.
#522
⇓
Yeah, I guess I do feel kind of better, so...
#523
⇓
I believe I was having the "plecebe" effect.
#524
⇓
>> Placebo.
#525
⇓
>> Pla-ce-bo.
#526
⇓
[chuckles] Which is, of course, a...
#527
⇓
a funny-sounding word.
#528
⇓
>> That is a funny word.
#529
⇓
>> It's pretty funny, yeah.
#530
⇓
"Placebo."
#531
⇓
"Placebe."
#532
⇓
>> Placido Domingo.
#533
⇓
[laughing] >> Police Academy.
#534
⇓
[laughs] Which is a good movie, Frank.
#535
⇓
>> It isa good movie, Charlie.
#536
⇓
>> You want to go back and watch it?
#537
⇓
>> With all my heart.
#538
⇓
>> Please, can you not interrupt the lecture?
#539
⇓
We're still, uh...
#540
⇓
>> What is the point of this stupid, dumb-ass experiment
#541
⇓
anyway?
#542
⇓
>> Yeah, like, was he smart or not?
#543
⇓
I don't even get it.
#544
⇓
>> Uh, I don't think so.
#545
⇓
Was I smart, sir?
#546
⇓
>> No.
#547
⇓
Again, um... if you could let us finish the lecture, and...
#548
⇓
>> You stupid science bitches couldn't even make my friends
#549
⇓
more smarter.
#550
⇓
[laughs] >> Hey, you're right!
#551
⇓
Stupid science bitch couldn't even make I more smarter.
#552
⇓
All right, let's get out of here.
#553
⇓
>> Hey, Charlie!
#554
⇓
>> Police Academy.
#555
⇓
>> Police Academyis an awesome movie.
#556
⇓
>> Mahoney!
#557
⇓
Mahoney's my favorite character.
#558
⇓
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
#559
⇓
access.wgbh.org [trio chanting backwards]
#560
⇓
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