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» S01E09 — My Day Off
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Season 1, Episode 9 — My Day Off
So when you have a night off,
#2
⇓
- How's it goin'? - I have no idea who you are.
#4
⇓
What's up, dude?
#5
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This is not good.
#7
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First, I already told her I got a girlfriend.
#8
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Second, you just put your bare lips on my ear.
#9
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- How's it going? I'm... - J.D., I know.
#10
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He won't stop talking about you. I'm Jennifer.
#11
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Mmmm, Jennifer...
#12
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Do you really spend every day saving children's lives?
#13
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Tell the nice lady.
#14
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I do what I can.
#15
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It's on! It's on.
#16
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It's on!
#17
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Oh, yeah.
#18
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I know two things about bars.
#19
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I was laughing so hard, milk was coming out of my nose.
#22
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I once tripped over an IV and blood shot over everyone.
#23
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[record scratches]
#24
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Every... uh...
#25
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A little got on my nose.
#26
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Every damn day, saving those children.
#27
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Who wants margaritas?!
#28
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Dude, less blood, more fruity drinks.
#29
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Right.
#30
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That's the thing about Turk.
#31
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Dude.
#34
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This girl's pretty hot.
#35
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- So try not to blow it, okay? - Why do you say that?
#36
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Because you're like a 24-hour convenience store. You never close.
#37
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That sounds like a Fat Albert joke.
#38
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Don't worry about it, I feel good tonight, know what I'm saying?
#39
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Good.
#40
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Except for this stabbing pain in my side.
#41
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Up all night with a high fever, cramping and crying.
#42
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- Dude! - Oh, my bad.
#43
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Not crying, punching the wall all manly and angry like,
#44
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you know what I mean?
#45
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See ya later, buddy.
#46
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Poor Bambi.
#47
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Don't worry. Carla will take care of you.
#48
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Make sure he's admitted right away.
#49
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All right.
#50
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You know people die here?
#53
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You're a good friend.
#54
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Mm, I do what I can. Can I have your stuff?
#55
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♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#58
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So did you talk to any girls last night?
#59
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Baby, I'm an attractive man, we both know this.
#60
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It's just a burden you're gonna have to live with.
#61
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One of many.
#62
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Ah... J.D. talked some girl up.
#63
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Really? Are you gonna call her?
#64
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Ew...! Euch!
#65
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Not right away.
#66
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All right, showtime. Clear out so I can check him out.
#67
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Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're examining me?
#68
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I don't want you to see my unmentionables.
#69
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I've seen underwear before.
#70
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I use the word unmentionables for my genitals as well.
#71
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68-year-old male with respiratory distress and...
#72
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Save your breath.
#73
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Hello, Dad.
#74
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Never thought you'd call me that again, after I left.
#75
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- Dr. Cox! - Relax, Carla.
#76
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The man I'm smothering isn't really my father.
#77
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Dr. Benson used to be the Chief of Medicine here.
#78
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[muffled] Hi, how are you?
#79
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Still have that great rapport with the nurses, huh?
#80
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Carla totally gets me. That's why I've been systematically trying to drive her away.
#81
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Did you ever see that therapist I recommended?
#82
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Not yet, no.
#83
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Shortness of breath? Dizziness? Problems urinating?
#84
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No. No...
#85
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Is it a problem if it whistles?
#86
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Oh, you're making this so much easier.
#87
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- Are you sexually active? - Oh, it's active.
#88
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I'll write "rare dry spell" in the margin.
#89
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Okay, time for the physical.
#90
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C-c-cold h-hands.
#91
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Suck it up!
#92
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[choking noises]
#93
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Oww! God!
#96
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See, it wasn't so bad. All done.
#97
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I'm still puking every hour and my fever's high,
#98
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but you're sure it's okay for me to be out of bed?
#99
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Look, Dr. Benson was kind of my mentor,
#100
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so don't do that annoying thing.
#101
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- What annoying thing? - When you talk.
#102
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- Come on. - There it is.
#103
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- Does that not drive you crazy? - You get used to it.
#104
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I know you're excited with the gown on but under no circumstances are you to curtsy.
#105
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He can say what he wants.
#106
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[Cox] Dr. Benson.
#108
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Just give us a second, will ya, big guy?
#109
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Did you hear about her?
#110
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Ho, hey, ho, hey, ho, hey, ho.
#113
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[drum, cymbal]
#114
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Any questions?
#115
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Good.
#116
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- He seemed nice. - Careful, newbie.
#117
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I'm hearing it now. It is kind of annoying when I talk.
#118
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So Elliot's exam was that bad?
#121
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- Dude, she violated me. - In a good way?
#122
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- What's the deal? - Aaagh!
#123
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[Turk] I think I broke my ass!
#124
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You're telling everyone I violated you.
#125
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Not everyone, just the people that work here.
#126
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And my parents.
#127
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Was there something wrong with my exam?
#128
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Well, you're kinda rough.
#131
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Yeah, you're rough and you're a little businesslike.
#132
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- You're cold. - You mean my hands?
#133
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Yeah, those too. I just think you could be more comforting.
#134
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Do you know how annoying you are when you talk?
#136
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Maybe not.
#137
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[man and woman shout on TV]
#138
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- Hey, I was watching that. - It's broken.
#139
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Dr. Cox.
#140
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Did you get my memo reminding senior staff
#141
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that lab coats must be worn at all times?
#142
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You know, I did get it, Bob, and at first I just threw it away,
#143
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but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture.
#144
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So I made a replica of you out of straw
#145
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and then I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket,
#146
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then invited the kids in the neighborhood
#147
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to come over and light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
#148
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Uh-huh.
#149
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So, I have been looking at Dr. Benson's chart.
#150
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His chest x-ray was normal,
#151
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his vitals are stable, so let's discharge him.
#152
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Well, now hold the phone there, skipper.
#153
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Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here
#154
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until he feels he's ready to go.
#155
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I mean, give me a break, he was only Chief of Medicine for ten years.
#156
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Well, I haven't had my coffee yet,
#157
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so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say "Who gives a crap?"
#158
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Actually, that wasn't half bad.
#159
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[Kelso] Our next patient is a 26-year-old male
#160
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who has presented vomiting, abdominal cramps and fever.
#161
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[Kelso] Still, Rodin's masterpiece makes us wonder,
#164
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why didn't he spend a little less time thinking
#165
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and a little more time at the gym?
#166
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[rusty clanking]
#167
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I do cardio.
#168
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Which most likely indicates what, Dr. Reid?
#169
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I'd say he has a simple case of appendicitis.
#170
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[Kelso] How would you proceed, Dr. Dorian?
#171
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Well, for starters, I would give me that news in private, no matter how angry I was at me.
#172
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Sounds like there's some fascinating back story here.
#173
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Turf him to surgery. Moving on.
#174
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You'd better watch it, Bambi.
#175
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You don't want a 100lb white girl mad at you.
#176
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You'll flinch every time you hear a Range Rover.
#177
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I can't believe I have to spend all Thanksgiving here.
#178
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Tell me that wouldn't kill you.
#179
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Not really.
#180
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Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in your homeland?
#181
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You mean Chicago?
#182
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You have a Chicago?
#183
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Be nice to me. I'm getting surgery.
#184
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Dr. Wen is the attending.
#185
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Who's the intern doing all the work?
#186
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♪ I get to cut you open ♪
#188
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♪ I get to cut... ♪
#189
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Go, girl!
#190
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Go get it.
#191
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And go, uhn, and down, unh
#192
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and down, unh, unh, unh...
#193
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Oh, good God.
#194
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[Elliot] Mr. Davis, you won't be home for Thanksgiving
#195
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but you'll be eating leftovers by Saturday.
#196
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Great. And doctor, thank you so much.
#197
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You're welcome.
#198
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We've gotten to know each other over the last week, haven't we?
#199
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I'd say so.
#200
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As a doctor, you found me comforting?
#201
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Oh, God, no.
#202
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Come on, I'm pretty good with people.
#203
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- You're horrible with people. - I'm warm.
#204
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You're very cold. I mean, your hands...
#205
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- It's like you're a yeti. - I have bad circulation.
#206
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I do this all day and it doesn't help.
#207
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Listen, sweetie,
#208
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you're a very efficient, competent doctor.
#209
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But your exams...
#210
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Do you examine everyone like that
#211
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or just people you feel have wronged you in some way?
#212
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- I appreciate your opinion. - It's not an opinion.
#213
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You see those guys right there?
#214
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They're pretending to be asleep so you won't manhandle them.
#215
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They are not.
#216
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Dude, what are you doing?
#217
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Too frank, right?
#218
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I know. It's probably why my mom pushed me down the stairs.
#219
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She is fat, though. And boring.
#220
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[Carla] BP's 60 over palp. Is he having a heart attack?
#221
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No, it's hypotension and electrical alternance on the monitor.
#222
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This is tamponade.
#223
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Viral infections can cause pericarditis
#224
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and a rapid accumulation of fluid.
#225
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It looks like a heart attack but don't let it fool you.
#226
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BP's stabilizing.
#227
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- What have we got? - Don't worry. We're fine here.
#228
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Dr. Turk, if you will?
#231
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We'll mark for the incision right about here.
#232
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Dude!
#234
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I'm about to bust a mad sliz-ice in your insides!
#235
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Sir, I'd prefer if someone other than Dr. Turk performed the surgery.
#236
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Fair enough.
#237
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Dr. Cotter will perform the procedure tomorrow morning.
#238
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- You understand, don't you? - Whatever, man.
#241
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You want some salsa for that chip on your shoulder?
#242
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I can't believe you. I would never ever do something like this to you.
#243
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- You're like school in July. - What do you mean?
#244
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No class.
#245
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[roaring laughter]
#246
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You know, you're not supposed to scare me like that, sir.
#247
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It was just a prank. Admittedly, I took it too far.
#248
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Well, I still laughed, but...
#249
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I felt a little guilty I wasn't here administering...
#250
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Hi-ho! I just came to check on my favorite patient.
#251
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I must have the wrong room.
#252
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- How are you, Dave? - I'm doing great, Bob.
#253
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I owe you one.
#254
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Hey, doc, you should go ahead and get some rest.
#255
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I'll be out of your hair soon enough.
#256
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Just a sec, skipper.
#257
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You'll stay here until you decide you're ready to leave.
#258
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For God's sake, you were the Chief of Medicine here for over ten years.
#259
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Am I right?
#260
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That was exactly what I said this morning.
#261
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Yeah, it sounded familiar.
#262
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Huh.
#263
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- What? - I was wondering
#264
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how you comb your hair so the horns don't show?
#265
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I wonder what bothers you the most?
#266
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Is it that I saved his life and he likes me as a person?
#267
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I bet it's how much he respects me as a doctor.
#268
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How does that taste? Bitter? Hard to get down?
#269
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[thunderclap]
#270
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- Here you go. - Great.
#271
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Carla, everyone likes you so much, it makes me wonder...
#272
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Why patients think you're a cold fish?
#273
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- Oh, my God, you noticed? - Honey, they told me.
#274
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Great. If anyone needs me,
#275
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I'll be in the supply closet eating sugar packets.
#276
⇓
Look, Elliot...
#277
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I'm not the kind of person who likes telling people what to do, but...
#278
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Here's what you should do.
#279
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Here's what I think.
#280
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Here's what your problem is.
#281
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Stop thinking of your patients as strangers.
#282
⇓
I'm dating Turk, I get it. Sometimes he is a big kid.
#283
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But when it comes to work, he's as capable and mature as anyone.
#284
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[Carla] Take those out.
#285
⇓
Baby, I was being a walrus.
#286
⇓
You have to realize J.D.'s not only your friend but a patient too, and he's scared.
#287
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Kelso is just pushing your buttons.
#288
⇓
Every now and then you gotta let something go.
#289
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Turk's not that mature. He spent all yesterday being a walrus.
#290
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He had straws and stuff...
#291
⇓
The only thing J.D.'s scared of is sharks.
#292
⇓
And he has a weird thing with pennies. But that's it. He's not scared about this.
#293
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Kelso's not just some harmless guy pushing my buttons, Carla.
#294
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He's a pod person.
#295
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- You're wrong. - You're so wrong.
#296
⇓
♪ Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong ♪
#298
⇓
♪ You're wrong ♪
#299
⇓
♪ You're wrong ♪
#300
⇓
I think you're right.
#301
⇓
I don't know how to connect with patients.
#302
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Start by touching them, you know,
#303
⇓
holding their hand, or stroking their hair,
#304
⇓
or giving them a reassuring pat on the arm.
#305
⇓
What are you doing?
#306
⇓
Nothing. You'll be great.
#307
⇓
Darn right.
#308
⇓
There you go, sir.
#309
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I'm sorry. It's my watch, I'll get it.
#310
⇓
Hi.
#311
⇓
Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me...
#312
⇓
See, Dave, at Sacred Heart we don't treat symptoms,
#313
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we treat people.
#314
⇓
There's something on your back.
#315
⇓
What does this one say?
#316
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"Never stop kicking me."
#317
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And on the other side is my discharge form.
#318
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Bob, you tried to discharge me an hour before I almost died?
#319
⇓
Well...
#320
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How very clever.
#321
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What? It wasn't me. In fact...
#322
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I think you put it there yourself to get more attention.
#323
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It was me. I put it there.
#324
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Hey, buddy.
#325
⇓
Okay, forget about everything that's going on.
#326
⇓
We know that you're bummed out about missing Thanksgiving so...
#327
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we decided to bring it to you.
#328
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Wow, guys, thanks.
#329
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Where's the food?
#330
⇓
Who wants the unmentionables?
#331
⇓
Aaagh!
#332
⇓
[echoing] Bambi? Your fever's spiking.
#333
⇓
They're worried your appendix might burst so we're going into surgery now.
#334
⇓
Who's on call?
#335
⇓
Dr. Turk, let's get started.
#336
⇓
Dude, could you not look over my shoulder while I'm doing this?
#341
⇓
It's a little unnerving.
#342
⇓
You've got a little fever.
#343
⇓
Probably atelectasis from lying in bed.
#344
⇓
- I'm really uncomfortable. - I'm so sorry.
#345
⇓
You're not gonna hug me, are you?
#346
⇓
Believe me, I'm done with all that.
#347
⇓
If it makes you feel better, I hate this whole touchy-feely culture anyway.
#348
⇓
Thank you.
#349
⇓
That whole "kiss hello" thing.
#350
⇓
Ew.
#351
⇓
I don't want anyone touching me unless we have sex.
#352
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Even then I don't want them to overdo it.
#353
⇓
So where in Connecticut are you from?
#354
⇓
- Greenwich. You? - Darien.
#355
⇓
I'm really burning up here.
#356
⇓
Oh, God, that's fantastic. It's like an ice pack.
#357
⇓
Yeah.
#358
⇓
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.
#359
⇓
Are you at least close with your dad?
#360
⇓
You see this right here? That's his work.
#361
⇓
Pretty good for a man in a wheelchair, huh?
#362
⇓
[Cox] Doc, I'm sorry you gotta be here on Thanksgiving night.
#363
⇓
My wife can't cook anyway, she's 22.
#364
⇓
- What are you doing? - Forget about me.
#365
⇓
What's your wife look like? Any pictures?
#366
⇓
Not of this one.
#367
⇓
You know, being back at this old place,
#368
⇓
you know the thing I have found to be the most disappointing?
#369
⇓
I think I can guess.
#370
⇓
- You. - Oh, I...
#371
⇓
Probably because you do things like show up the Chief of Medicine,
#372
⇓
when anybody who's been in a room with Bob Kelso for more than two minutes
#373
⇓
knows how big an ass he is.
#374
⇓
Hey, go easy, I just thought...
#375
⇓
You don't think, Perry.
#376
⇓
You're such a talented doctor.
#377
⇓
If you would play the game even a little
#378
⇓
you'd be in a position where you could change things here.
#379
⇓
But you're too stubborn for that, aren't you?
#380
⇓
All right, kid.
#381
⇓
Gin. Your deal.
#382
⇓
Hi. I just need to check on your incision.
#383
⇓
- Turk, I was an idiot. - It's okay, man.
#384
⇓
No, seriously, man.
#385
⇓
I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again,
#386
⇓
I want you inside of me.
#387
⇓
I want to be the one inside of you.
#388
⇓
Look, J.D., I get it.
#389
⇓
To me you'll always be the geeky kid with the Pat Benatar t-shirt.
#390
⇓
Dude, she rocks.
#391
⇓
I just want you to know how serious I am about what I do.
#392
⇓
Did you stitch your initials into me?
#393
⇓
That's not important.
#394
⇓
It's still Thanksgiving for, like, 20 more minutes.
#395
⇓
Now, you can have ginger ale
#396
⇓
and a cracker.
#397
⇓
Mm-hm.
#398
⇓
Oh, I forgot. Your change. Two pennies.
#399
⇓
Get those pennies away from me.
#400
⇓
Happy Thanksgiving, man.
#401
⇓
I guess what they say is true.
#402
⇓
Like your brother.
#404
⇓
And your sister-in-law.
#405
⇓
Dr. Cox.
#408
⇓
[hisses]
#409
⇓
[J.D.] If you want, you can come down here and hang out...
#410
⇓
Nobody talk.
#411
⇓
Just drink.
#412
⇓
Just like Thanksgiving at home.
#414
⇓
Drink!
#415
⇓
- There was the Nina... - [Cox] Shut up!
#416
⇓
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