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» S01E08 — My Fifteen Minutes
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Season 1, Episode 8 — My Fifteen Minutes
I can't believe we're going to a strip club for lunch.
#3
⇓
I don't think about it that way. It's a place to buy a burger
#4
⇓
that's a convenient two-and-a-half mile walk away from the hospital.
#5
⇓
[crowd] No skin! We all win!
#6
⇓
Let's get outta here before we end up on the news.
#7
⇓
Excuse me, are you gentlemen visiting the club?
#8
⇓
No, we're protesting.
#9
⇓
I'm worried about the kids.
#10
⇓
So what's that in your pocket?
#11
⇓
Oh, this is, uh... It's $38 in singles.
#12
⇓
I bought a newspaper and this is the change from my 40.
#13
⇓
[thud and clatter]
#14
⇓
Neil...
#15
⇓
[J.D.] Sir...
#16
⇓
- No pulse. - Starting CPR.
#17
⇓
Call an ambulance!
#18
⇓
Coming to you live as two young doctors
#19
⇓
are trying to resuscitate my cameraman.
#20
⇓
Well, maybe I'm biased, but to me,
#21
⇓
every doctor here at Sacred Heart is a hero.
#22
⇓
Does that mean I'm a hero? I don't know.
#23
⇓
Ah! There's my dynamic duo!
#24
⇓
[journalists] Dr. Dorian! Dr. Turk!
#25
⇓
Holy inferiority complex, Batman!
#26
⇓
How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
#27
⇓
It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
#28
⇓
Damn you, sir.
#29
⇓
- Who cares? It's only a grade. - Really? What did you get?
#32
⇓
An A-plus. I turned on the waterworks and the resident changed it to an A-plus-plus.
#33
⇓
A proud day for women everywhere.
#34
⇓
What are you worried about? With the whole hero thing,
#35
⇓
whoever evaluates you will give you a gold star.
#36
⇓
Listen, Supergirl.
#37
⇓
I'm gonna break you into so many pieces that my grandmother,
#38
⇓
who can do a 1,000-piece puzzle of clear blue sky in less than an hour,
#39
⇓
will never be able to put you back together,
#40
⇓
even if she goes go back in time to when her vision was perfect.
#41
⇓
Somehow I doubt it.
#42
⇓
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#45
⇓
Before you deny you like looking at strange naked women again,
#46
⇓
I should remind you that when you stay at my place, it's not a hotel.
#47
⇓
The movie titles do come up on the bill.
#48
⇓
I'm sticking with "we were protesting."
#49
⇓
- J.D.? - Outraged and disgusted.
#50
⇓
Take Bambi out tonight.
#51
⇓
Maybe with all the hype you can finally get him a girl.
#52
⇓
[music and laughter]
#53
⇓
Who hasn't bought us drinks yet?
#54
⇓
It could happen.
#55
⇓
[pager beeps]
#56
⇓
- Don't wait up for me tonight. - Okay.
#57
⇓
So do you wanna get drunk and beg me for sex now
#58
⇓
or do you wanna wait till two o'clock tonight?
#59
⇓
- Let's wait. - Cool.
#60
⇓
You know, I'm off tonight. What are you doing, Carla?
#61
⇓
Just having dinner with a friend.
#62
⇓
She's not gonna get the invite.
#64
⇓
You could take Elliot with you.
#66
⇓
Great. I can't wait.
#67
⇓
Have a good time tonight.
#68
⇓
Did you lose something?
#69
⇓
No, why? Did you take something?
#70
⇓
- No. - What'd you take?
#71
⇓
Nothing.
#72
⇓
What'd you take?
#73
⇓
[whistles] Newbie. Come.
#74
⇓
Look, Doogie,
#77
⇓
I'm up to my cha-chas in busywork,
#78
⇓
so I'm gonna take a rain check on your report card
#79
⇓
and just have you do it yourself.
#80
⇓
You didn't even fill out my name.
#81
⇓
Well, now, I think it's John, or Jimmy or Ji or mmm.
#82
⇓
[Dr. Cox] It's in the J family.
#83
⇓
But if you get in trouble, just ask the nurses for help.
#84
⇓
Sir, I've been the hospital's legal counsel for,
#85
⇓
well, let's just say, when I started, I had hair.
#86
⇓
And a wife and family.
#87
⇓
The point is, I'll never get a raise without the support of senior staff like yourself.
#88
⇓
- Can't do it. - Well, you did what you could.
#89
⇓
Dr. Dorian, how are you?
#90
⇓
Well, these evaluations...
#91
⇓
Just a pleasantry, keep it moving.
#92
⇓
Listen, I've been thinking.
#93
⇓
All the publicity you and your friend have been getting,
#94
⇓
it would be silly not to milk it a little bit.
#95
⇓
See if we can't promote the hospital, what do you say?
#96
⇓
Okay, whose breasts haven't I signed yet?
#97
⇓
- It could happen. - Excuse me?
#98
⇓
Anything for the hospital, sir.
#99
⇓
So what are we doing tonight?
#100
⇓
Going out to dinner, I guess.
#101
⇓
Dinner! Where are we gonna eat?
#102
⇓
Oh, I don't know, some restaurant.
#103
⇓
Some restaurant!
#104
⇓
Be honest, um...
#105
⇓
Does this look, uh, hip enough?
#106
⇓
Since when are khakis, a pink shirt and a neckerchief not hip?
#107
⇓
True.
#108
⇓
[pager beeps]
#109
⇓
Hey.
#110
⇓
- Hi. - Hey, Darryl.
#111
⇓
Um, I have to make a quick call.
#112
⇓
So, Patricia, Darryl, this is Elliot.
#113
⇓
- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
#114
⇓
- I'm gonna get out of here. - Okay.
#115
⇓
Thanks for the ride.
#116
⇓
- Someone's a cradle-robber. - Darryl's my son.
#117
⇓
Come on, the only way he could be your son was if you had him when you were 15.
#118
⇓
- 14. - Oh.
#119
⇓
I was close.
#120
⇓
I'm sorry, that was my mom. I'm gonna have to cancel.
#121
⇓
I can't evaluate myself.
#122
⇓
Would you describe me as warm, professional, or both?
#123
⇓
I'd describe you as "I'm on my lunch."
#124
⇓
I don't know whether to be easy or hard on myself...
#125
⇓
Can't you see I'm watching my stories?
#126
⇓
Dr. Cox. Have you been here the whole time?
#128
⇓
No, I just came in through the couch door. Move.
#129
⇓
You said you were too busy to do my evaluation.
#130
⇓
I am.
#131
⇓
Didn't her daddy sell the coalmine?
#132
⇓
- Contract didn't stick. - Oh, that's interesting.
#133
⇓
- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.
#134
⇓
Okay, we're almost ready.
#135
⇓
Anything you wanna say before we get started?
#136
⇓
Yeah, I've got something to say to Dr. Cox.
#137
⇓
I'm gonna give you the best damn evaluation that you ever did see.
#138
⇓
And this Friday, at the Steel Cage Medi-Slam,
#139
⇓
I'm gonna give you a physical you ain't never gonna forget.
#140
⇓
I'm gonna probe ya, 'cause I'm The Intern.
#141
⇓
Nothing. Okay, I'll be right back.
#142
⇓
She is tasty.
#143
⇓
Watch me play a cat and mouse game with her.
#144
⇓
She's married to the soundman, bud.
#145
⇓
That thing clipped to your collar, that's a microphone.
#146
⇓
[whispers] I'm so sorry. And I love ZZ Top.
#147
⇓
I'm not looking forward to this.
#148
⇓
Okay, we're rolling.
#149
⇓
So, how's my cameraman doing?
#150
⇓
Good enough that he asked me for mouth-to-mouth again.
#151
⇓
[J.D. laughs]
#152
⇓
Dr. Turk, are there any specific challenges
#153
⇓
being a young black doctor in an inner city hospital?
#154
⇓
[TV drowned out by music]
#155
⇓
I'm sorry, I really wanna hear this.
#156
⇓
Is it possible to turn up the volume?
#157
⇓
That's as high as it goes.
#158
⇓
Elliot.
#159
⇓
Hi!
#160
⇓
Listen, let me tell you what happened.
#161
⇓
Elliot.
#162
⇓
Damn.
#163
⇓
When I saw that it was missing,
#164
⇓
did you not think I'd come to you?
#165
⇓
I don't know what you're talking about.
#166
⇓
So you're gonna play it that way, huh?
#167
⇓
Touché.
#168
⇓
- I finished my evaluation. - Oh, great.
#169
⇓
I thought it would take longer so the marching band won't be here until this evening.
#170
⇓
Enjoy. I think you'll find it's a good read.
#171
⇓
Hey, newbie. This thing actually does matter,
#172
⇓
so were you completely honest with yourself?
#173
⇓
Yeah.
#174
⇓
[Dr. Cox whistles]
#175
⇓
Say it right into the camera, hotshot.
#176
⇓
Now you can have this thing back any time you want.
#177
⇓
You're gonna have to bark like a dog, though.
#178
⇓
I'm-I'm not gonna bark like...
#179
⇓
It's your call.
#180
⇓
Woof.
#181
⇓
Good boy.
#182
⇓
I got something to show you.
#184
⇓
Is this an uncomfortable moment that'll change our friendship?
#185
⇓
No, no, no. You're going to like it.
#186
⇓
Good, 'cause I need some good news, man.
#187
⇓
Can you believe that news lady? "What's it like to be a black doctor?"
#188
⇓
I just wish this was over.
#189
⇓
Why have we stopped?
#190
⇓
[J.D.] Roll 'em up.
#191
⇓
Roll 'em up.
#192
⇓
What makes you think I'd wanna be a part of this?
#193
⇓
Kelso said it would make us role models. I just assumed...
#194
⇓
Yeah, everybody assumes that I'm a good athlete,
#195
⇓
or that I grew up poor, or that I love Sanford and Son.
#196
⇓
But you do love Sanford And Son.
#197
⇓
We both do.
#198
⇓
[sings theme tune to Sanford And Son]
#199
⇓
[sings another phrase]
#200
⇓
[responds]
#201
⇓
- That's what I'm talking about. - [both sing]
#202
⇓
[sing theme high-pitched]
#203
⇓
If Dr. Kelso wants me to be a role model for the community
#204
⇓
because I'm a great doctor, then that's great.
#205
⇓
I will sign on the dotted line.
#206
⇓
But that's not what this is about.
#207
⇓
All my life, I've been singled out because I'm black.
#208
⇓
[whispers] I didn't enter the contest!
#209
⇓
Shh. Smile for the picture.
#210
⇓
- Remember our college brochure? - They put you on the cover.
#211
⇓
Twice?
#212
⇓
Oh...! Oh...!
#213
⇓
It's different this time, now it's both of us.
#214
⇓
[rap music]
#215
⇓
You can still see my hand on your shoulder.
#216
⇓
And that's when I realized,
#217
⇓
This is so unfair. You're supposed to do my evaluation.
#219
⇓
And you know what? You're gonna do it, buddy boy.
#220
⇓
Buddy boy?
#221
⇓
Why, I oughta...
#222
⇓
- I'm serious. - Relax, newbie.
#223
⇓
It's just an evaluation, it should be easy.
#224
⇓
If it's that easy, it won't take you long to do it.
#225
⇓
All right, don't you worry about it, newbie.
#226
⇓
I'll evaluate the hell right out of you.
#227
⇓
- When? - The second I get off work.
#228
⇓
- Fine! - Fine.
#229
⇓
Great! Here it is.
#230
⇓
You get off six-ish, or...?
#231
⇓
Oh, danger. Oh, oh...
#232
⇓
You're gonna have to see her eventually.
#233
⇓
No, I don't. I know the layout to the air-duct system
#234
⇓
like the back of my hand.
#235
⇓
Of course I'm gonna have to see her again.
#236
⇓
So this is the part where all of a sudden it's my fault?
#237
⇓
Turk, if you could have seen the look on her face...
#238
⇓
I tell you, if I think about it again, it's gonna make me cry.
#239
⇓
What am I gonna do?
#240
⇓
Keep doing what you're doing.
#241
⇓
Eventually, she'll quit and move.
#242
⇓
- Why am I even talking to you? - What?!
#243
⇓
You're such a guy.
#244
⇓
You can't understand something this deep
#245
⇓
on any kind of real emotional level.
#246
⇓
Hey, Turk. I'm sorry about the poster thing.
#247
⇓
It was racially insensitive. I should've been aware of your feelings.
#248
⇓
Your intentions were good. There's never been an issue of race between us.
#249
⇓
You've been nothing but a friend to me.
#250
⇓
I love you, man.
#251
⇓
Hit me one.
#252
⇓
Keep it real.
#253
⇓
We've got some things to work out but we'll get there.
#254
⇓
We'll get there.
#255
⇓
Sure, it hurt.
#256
⇓
But you know what? I'm not gonna wallow in self pity.
#257
⇓
Right after work, I'm gonna go straight downtown
#258
⇓
and just tear it up, you know?
#259
⇓
Maybe I'll have a cigarette, just get a little crazy,
#260
⇓
and head wherever the night takes me.
#261
⇓
What's that, now?
#262
⇓
Thanks so much!
#263
⇓
[needle scratches record]
#264
⇓
[siren wails]
#265
⇓
Taxi!
#266
⇓
[man] Hey, baby, how much?
#267
⇓
[man] Hey, don't go away, man!
#268
⇓
Get me the hell outta here. Hurry!
#269
⇓
Here's what we're gonna do.
#270
⇓
I'm gonna leave the cart in the closet
#271
⇓
and leave the closet unlocked.
#272
⇓
If, by magic, it should happen to reappear,
#273
⇓
I won't ask any questions.
#274
⇓
I don't even know what "it" is.
#275
⇓
Then why take it?
#276
⇓
I...
#277
⇓
Well, if it isn't Dr. Turk,
#278
⇓
the friendly face of Sacred Heart.
#279
⇓
Yeah.
#280
⇓
Dr. Kelso, about these posters...
#281
⇓
They're making me uncomfortable.
#282
⇓
Oh, I'm so sorry.
#283
⇓
I didn't realize you felt that way.
#284
⇓
Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
#285
⇓
I'm gonna leave them up.
#286
⇓
I can live with that. Or I can sue you.
#287
⇓
[screech of brakes]
#288
⇓
Dr. Turk, you are an employee here.
#289
⇓
I can advertise however I wish.
#290
⇓
I can use your image, your name,
#291
⇓
I can manufacture tiny little Dr. Turk action figures.
#292
⇓
It'll cost $12.95. When you pull the string, it says:
#293
⇓
"I don't like these posters of me!"
#294
⇓
- Isn't that right, Ted? - Oh, definitely, sir.
#295
⇓
You'd certainly be vulnerable from a legal standpoint.
#296
⇓
How vulnerable?
#297
⇓
That lawsuit would be over so quickly,
#298
⇓
I'd advise you to bring cab fare to the courthouse,
#299
⇓
since Dr. Turk would be driving your Beamer home to his place.
#300
⇓
Hippie.
#301
⇓
God, that felt good.
#302
⇓
Who's the man?
#303
⇓
- Is it me? - Damn right it's you.
#304
⇓
Oh!
#305
⇓
Right, man.
#306
⇓
It's me.
#307
⇓
Elliot...
#308
⇓
There's no excuse for what I did.
#309
⇓
No, there's not.
#310
⇓
- Are we done? - I'm really sorry.
#311
⇓
Don't be.
#312
⇓
If I was going out with my friend I wouldn't invite you.
#313
⇓
Who am I kidding? Yes, I would.
#314
⇓
She'd like you better and neither of you would talk to me again.
#315
⇓
I only did it because I hadn't seen Patricia in a long time.
#316
⇓
You did it because I don't fit in with you and your friend.
#317
⇓
It's no surprise. It's not like I've ever fit in anywhere.
#318
⇓
Carla, your friend Patricia's here.
#319
⇓
There's a problem with her son.
#320
⇓
Why so sad, Marshmallow?
#321
⇓
Oh, good. He's not here.
#323
⇓
Dr. Cox?
#324
⇓
It's time.
#325
⇓
Sit down.
#326
⇓
What do you want me to say? That you're great?
#327
⇓
That you're raising the bar for interns everywhere?
#328
⇓
I'm cool with that.
#329
⇓
I'm not gonna say that. You're okay.
#330
⇓
You might be better than that some day but right now all I see is
#331
⇓
a guy so worried about what everybody else thinks of him
#332
⇓
that he has no real belief in himself.
#333
⇓
I mean, did you even wonder why I told you to do your own evaluation?
#334
⇓
I-I can't think of a safe answer, I just...
#335
⇓
Clam up!
#336
⇓
I wanted you to think about yourself.
#337
⇓
And I mean really think.
#338
⇓
What are you good at? What do you suck at? I wanted it down on paper,
#339
⇓
not so I could see it, or anybody else,
#340
⇓
but so that you could see it.
#341
⇓
Ultimately, you don't have to answer to me, or to Kelso,
#342
⇓
you don't even have to answer to your patients, for God's sake.
#343
⇓
You only have to answer to one guy, newbie, and that's you!
#344
⇓
There...
#345
⇓
You are... evaluated.
#346
⇓
Now get the hell outta my sight.
#347
⇓
You, honest to God, get me so angry
#348
⇓
I'm afraid I just might hurt myself.
#349
⇓
So what are you? One of the male nurses?
#350
⇓
Actually, I'm a surgeon. I'm doing this as a favor for Carla.
#351
⇓
Hey, Carla is fine.
#352
⇓
What's she doing with you?
#353
⇓
Slummin' a little, God bless her heart.
#354
⇓
This is a knife cut, huh?
#355
⇓
Yeah, it's cool.
#356
⇓
See this right here?
#357
⇓
Pinched it in a door. Two stitches.
#358
⇓
- Oh, man. You hardcore, man. - Hell, yeah!
#359
⇓
Darryl's gonna be fine but I'm worried about you.
#360
⇓
You're a little upset. I'll set you up in a room with some fluids and maybe a valium.
#361
⇓
- Elliot, thank you. - Hey, there you are.
#362
⇓
- Oh... - Elliot, you're coming, right?
#363
⇓
- In a sec. - Are you all right?
#364
⇓
Hot cocoa, sweetie?
#366
⇓
Thanks.
#367
⇓
Any time.
#368
⇓
Hell, yeah! Hell!
#372
⇓
And it didn't feel that good.
#374
⇓
I would like to make special mention of one intern here,
#375
⇓
John Dorian.
#376
⇓
Smart kid, extremely competent, and his enthusiasm
#377
⇓
and his determination to always be better
#378
⇓
is something I see in him 24 hours a day.
#379
⇓
He cares. Probably cares too much.
#380
⇓
But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose.
#381
⇓
If you have any questions...
#382
⇓
I could give a crap, I'm goin' home.
#383
⇓
You all get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.
#384
⇓
Oh, good, newbie. You found a specialty.
#385
⇓
No, I just dropped my pen.
#386
⇓
Well, look what magically found its way back home.
#387
⇓
What? Your window cleaner?
#388
⇓
No. Ammonia.
#389
⇓
This is window cleaner, right, uh...
#390
⇓
Why?
#391
⇓
Now that's just bad luck.
#392
⇓
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