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Home » Office Space » S01E01 — Office Space

Office Space

Season 1, Episode 1 — Office Space

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[ Drumroll ]

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[ Fanfare Music ]

fanfare music

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[ Fanfare Music Ends ]

ends fanfare music music-ends

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[ Traffic Noises ]

noises traffic

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♪ UNO, DOS ♪

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♪ TRES, CUATRO ♪

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♪ AHH ♪♪

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♪♪

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♪♪

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[ Grunts ]

grunts

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♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]

stereo

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♪ I GOT MY PISTOL PAWN COCKED READY TO LAY SHOTS NONSTOP ♪

nonstop pawn pistol ready shots

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♪ UNTIL I SEE YOUR MONKEY ASS DROP ♪

drop monkey

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♪ AND LET YOUR HOMIES KNOW WHO DONE IT ♪

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♪ WHEN IT COMES TO THIS GANGSTA SHIT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS KNOW WHO RUN IT ♪

comes motherfuckers

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♪ WE'RE STANDING UP FOR OUR OWN SHIT ♪

standing

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♪ AND IF YOU PUT THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO THE TEST ♪

motherfucker test

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♪ YOU GOTTA REALIZE SOMETHIN', NIGGA ♪ [ Stereo: Volume Lowers ]

nigga realize somethin stereo volume

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♪ YOU FUCKIN' WITH THE VERY BEST ♪

best fuckin

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[ Stereo: Volume Increases ] ♪ I GOT THIS KILLA UP INSIDE OF ME ♪

increases stereo volume

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♪ I CAN'T TALK TO MY MOTHER SO I TALK TO MY DIARY ♪♪

diary mother

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MOTHER SHITTER, SON OF AN ASS--

mother

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YOU-- I'LL JUST--

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I WAS TOLD-- HAVE YOU--

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I WAS TOLD THAT IF I WAS LATE AGAIN, I WOULD BE SUMMARILY DISMISSED.

dismissed late

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[ Car Alarm Chirps ]

alarm

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[ Grumbles ]

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[ Electrical Crackle ]

electrical

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[ Chattering ]

chattering

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[ Woman ] CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking woman

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JUST A MOMENT.

moment

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CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking

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JUST A MOMENT.

moment

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CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking

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JUST A MOMENT.

moment

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CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking

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JUST A MOMENT.

moment

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CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING. JUST A MOMENT.

accounts corporate moment nina speaking

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CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking

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HELLO, PETER. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

peter

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UH, WE HAVE SORT OF A PROBLEM HERE.

problem

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YEAH, YOU APPARENTLY DIDN'T PUT ONE OF THE NEW COVER SHEETS ON YOUR T.P.S. REPORTS.

apparently cover reports sheets

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OH, YEAH. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. I-I FORGOT.

forgot

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MM, YEAH.

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YOU SEE, WE'RE PUTTING THE COVER SHEETS ON ALL T.P.S. REPORTS NOW BEFORE THEY GO OUT.

cover putting reports sheets

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DID YOU SEE THE MEMO ABOUT THIS?

memo

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YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, I HAVE THE MEMO RIGHT HERE. I JUST, UH, FORGOT.

forgot memo

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BUT IT'S NOT SHIPPING OUT TILL TOMORROW, SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

problem shipping till till-tomorrow tomorrow

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YEAH.

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IF YOU COULD JUST GO AHEAD AND MAKE SURE YOU DO THAT FROM NOW ON, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ahead go-ahead

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AND, UH, I'LL GO AHEAD AND MAKE SURE YOU GET ANOTHER COPY OF THAT MEMO.

ahead another copy go-ahead memo

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MM-KAY? BYE-BYE, PETER. YEAH, NO, I HAVE THE MEMO.

memo peter

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I'VE GOT IT. IT'S RIGHT--

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[ Lumbergh ] HELLO, PHIL. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

phil

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UH, I CAME BY HERE YESTERDAY--

yesterday

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[ Man On Radio, Indistinct ]

indistinct radio

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- [ Mumbling ] - MILTON?

mumbling

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HI. UH, COULD YOU TURN THAT DOWN JUST A LITTLE BIT?

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WELL, I-I WAS TOLD THAT I COULD LISTEN TO THE RADIO...

radio

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AT A REASONABLE VOLUME FROM 9:00 TO 11:00.

reasonable volume

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YEAH, NO, NO, I KNOW YOU'RE ALLOWED TO. I, UH--

allowed

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I WAS JUST THINKING MAYBE LIKE, YOU KNOW, A PERSONAL FAVOR, YOU--

favor personal thinking

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WELL, I-I TOLD BILL THAT IF-IF SANDRA'S GOING TO LISTEN TO HER HEADPHONES...

bill headphones

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WHILE SHE'S-- WHILE SHE'S FILING, THEN I SHOULD BE ABLE TO LISTEN...

able filing

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TO THE RADIO WHILE I'M COLLATING. UH-HUH.

radio

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SO, I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD HAVE TO TURN DOWN THE RADIO.

radio

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- YEAH, ALL RIGHT. OKAY. - BECAUSE I ENJOY LISTENING...

enjoy listening

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AT A REASONABLE VOLUME FROM 9:00 TO 11:00. THANKS... MILTON.

reasonable thanks volume

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HI, PETER.

peter

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WHAT'S HAPPENING? WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR T.P.S. REPORTS.

reports

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YEAH, THE COVER SHEET. I KNOW. I KNOW.

cover sheet

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UH, BILL TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT. YEAH.

bill talked

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DID YOU GET THAT MEMO? YEAH, I GOT THE MEMO.

memo

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AND I UNDERSTAND THE POLICY AND THE PROBLEM IS JUST THAT I FORGOT THE ONE TIME.

forgot policy problem

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I'VE ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF IT, SO IT'S NOT REALLY A PROBLEM ANYMORE.

anymore care problem taken taken-care

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AH, YEAH. IT'S JUST WE'RE PUTTING NEW COVER SHEETS...

cover putting sheets

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ON ALL THE T.P.S. REPORTS BEFORE THEY GO OUT NOW.

reports

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SO, IF YOU COULD GO AHEAD AND TRY TO REMEMBER TO DO THAT FROM NOW ON, THAT'D BE GREAT.

ahead go-ahead remember thatd

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ALL RIGHT!

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[ Phone Ringing ]

phone phone-ringing ringing

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[ Ring ]

ring

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PETER GIBBONS. YEAH. PETER?

peter

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YES. DID YOU GET THE MEMO ABOUT THE T.P.S. REPORTS?

memo reports

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I HAVE THE MEMO.

memo

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[ Whirring, Beeping ] NO, NOT AGAIN.

beeping whirring

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WHY DOES IT SAY "PAPER JAM" WHEN THERE IS NO PAPER JAM?

paper

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I SWEAR TO GOD, ONE OF THESE DAYS, I JUST KICK THIS PIECE OF SHIT OUT THE WINDOW.

days kick piece swear window

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YOU AND ME BOTH, MAN. THE THING IS LUCKY I'M NOT ARMED.

armed lucky

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- PIECE OF SHIT. - SAM IRE--

piece

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NA-- NA-- NA-- NAGA--

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NO. PLEASE. UH-HUH.

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MICHAEL...

michael

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- BOLTON? - THAT'S ME.

↓

WOW. IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME?

name real real-name

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- YEAH. [ Clears Throat ] - SO, ARE YOU RELATED TO THAT SINGER GUY?

clears clears-throat related singer throat

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- NO, IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE. - OH.

coincidence

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[ Mutters ] YEAH, YOU FUCKIN' COW.

fuckin mutters

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NO ONE IN THIS COUNTRY CAN EVER PRONOUNCE MY NAME RIGHT.

country name pronounce

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I-IT'S NOT THAT HARD-- NAGHEENANAJAR. NAGHEENANAJAR.

hard

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YEAH, WELL, AT LEAST YOUR NAME ISN'T MICHAEL BOLTON.

least michael name

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YOU KNOW, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT NAME.

name

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THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT, UNTIL I WAS ABOUT 12 YEARS OLD,

years

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AND THAT NO-TALENT ASS CLOWN BECAME FAMOUS AND STARTED WINNING GRAMMYS.

became clown famous grammys started talent winning

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HMM. WHY DON'T-- WHY DON'T YOU JUST, UH, GO BY MIKE INSTEAD OF MICHAEL?

michael mike

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NO WAY. WHY SHOULD I CHANGE? HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS.

change sucks

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- HEY, GUYS. - WHAT'S UP, G.

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- WANNA GO TO CHOTCHKIE'S, GET SOME COFFEE? - OH, IT'S A LITTLE EARLY.

coffee early

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I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. I THINK I'M GOING TO LOSE IT.

lose

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UH-OH. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S GOT A CASE OF THE MONDAYS.

case mondays somebodys sounds

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[ Woman Chuckles ]

chuckles woman

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BOY, I TELL YOU. SOME DAYS.

days

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ONE OF THESE DAYS IT'S JUST GONNA BE LIKE-- [ Imitates Machine Gun ]

days imitates machine

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[ Imitates Machine Gun, Laughs ]

imitates laughs machine

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SO, CAN I GET YOU GENTLEMEN SOMETHING MORE TO DRINK, OR MAYBE SOMETHING TO NIBBLE ON?

drink gentlemen nibble

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SOME PIZZA SHOOTERS, SHRIMP POPPERS OR EXTREME FAJITAS?

extreme pizza poppers shrimp

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JUST COFFEE.

coffee

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OKAY. SOUNDS LIKE A CASE OF THE MONDAYS. [ Chuckles ]

case chuckles mondays sounds

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WHAT IF WE'RE STILL DOING THIS WHEN WE'RE 50?

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IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE THAT KIND OF JOB SECURITY.

security

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LUMBERGH'S GONNA HAVE ME WORK ON SATURDAY. I-I CAN TELL ALREADY.

saturday

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I'M GONNA END UP DOING IT BECAUSE, UH, BECAUSE I'M A BIG PUSSY.

pussy

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WHICH IS WHY I WORK AT INITECH TO BEGIN WITH.

begin

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YEAH, WELL, I WORK AT INITECH, AND I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A PUSSY. OKAY?

consider pussy

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YES, I AM ALSO NOT A PUSSY.

pussy

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THEY'RE GONNA FIND OUT THE HARD WAY I'M NOT A PUSSY...

hard pussy

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IF THEY DON'T START TREATING THEIR SOFTWARE PEOPLE BETTER. THAT'S RIGHT.

software start treating

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I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I COULD PROGRAM A VIRUS THAT WOULD RIP THAT PLACE OFF BIG TIME.

place program virus

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YEAH. BIG TIME.

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- WHOA. - THERE SHE IS.

whoa

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PETER, YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THIS GIRL.

girl peter

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IF YOU'RE SO OBSESSED WITH HER, WHY DON'T YOU JUST ASK HER OUT?

obsessed

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NO, I CAN'T DO THAT. I'M JUST ANOTHER ASSHOLE CUSTOMER.

another asshole customer

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YOU CAN'T JUST WALK UP TO A WAITRESS AND ASK HER OUT.

waitress walk

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BESIDES, I'M STILL TRYING TO WORK IT OUT WITH ANNE.

anne besides

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UH, THAT REMINDS ME. I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PLAY POKER WITH YOU GUYS ON FRIDAY.

able friday poker reminds

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- WHY NOT? - I'M GONNA SEE THIS, UH,

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OCCUPATIONAL HYPNOTHERAPIST WITH ANNE.

anne

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DUDE, AN OCCUPATIONAL HYPNOTHERAPIST? YEAH, I KNOW.

↓

ANNE WANTS ME TO GO. SHE THINKS IT MIGHT HELP. I'M--

anne might thinks wants

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YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I THINK I--

sometimes

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I GET THINKING THAT SHE'S CHEATING ON ME.

cheating thinking

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- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. - YEAH.

↓

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

supposed

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NOTHING.

↓

LOOK. JUST TELL ANNE THAT YOU'RE NOT INTO HYPNOSIS AND YOU WANNA PLAY POKER.

anne hypnosis poker

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NO, I CAN'T DO THAT. SHE'LL GET ALL PISSED OFF.

pissed shell

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AND, BESIDES, I THINK THE GUY MIGHT ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO HELP.

able besides might

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I MEAN, HE DID HELP ANNE LOSE WEIGHT.

anne lose lose-weight weight

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PETER, SHE'S ANOREXIC.

peter

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YEAH, I KNOW. THE GUY'S REALLY GOOD.

↓

YEAH, WELL, I DON'T THINK ANY OCCUPATIONAL HYPNOTHERAPIST...

↓

IS GONNA HELP YOU SOLVE ANY OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

problems solve

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OKAY? HEY, AND SPEAKING OF PROBLEMS,

problems speaking

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WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR T.P.S. REPORTS?

having having-problems problems reports

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YEAH. DIDN'T YOU GET THAT MEMO?

memo

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- HEY! HEY, GUYS! PETER! - IS THAT SMYKOWSKI?

peter

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SAMIR! [ Samir ] WHAT'S HE DOING?

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OH, PROBABLY WORKING ON ANOTHER HEART ATTACK.

another attack heart heart-attack working

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I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU GUYS. HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?

looking seen

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I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT. WHAT? IT'S A STAFF MEETING. SO WHAT?

meeting staff

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SO WHAT? WE'RE ALL SCREWED, THAT'S WHAT. THEY'RE GONNA DOWNSIZE INITECH.

screwed

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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, TOM? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

↓

HOW DO I KNOW? THEY'RE BRINGING IN A CONSULTANT, THAT'S HOW I KNOW.

bringing

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THAT'S WHAT THIS STAFF MEETING IS ALL ABOUT.

meeting staff

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IT HAPPENED AT INITRODE LAST YEAR.

happened

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YOU HAVE TO INTERVIEW WITH THIS CONSULTANT. THEY CALL THEM "EFFICIENCY EXPERTS."

experts interview

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BUT WHAT YOU'RE REALLY DOING IS INTERVIEWING FOR YOUR OWN JOB.

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[ Peter ] EVERY WEEK YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR JOB, AND YOU'RE STILL HERE.

lose peter week

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[ Tom ] NOT THIS TIME. I BET I'M THE FIRST ONE LAID OFF.

laid

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THE THOUGHT OF HAVING TO GO TO THE STATE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE, TO STAND IN LINE WITH SCUMBAGS!

having line office stand state unemployment

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SHIT.

↓

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD THAT DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THIS SHIT.

world

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LIKE THAT GUY THAT INVENTED THE PET ROCK?

invented rock

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YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

↓

YOU HAVE TO USE YOUR MIND...

mind

↓

AND COME UP WITH SOME REALLY GREAT IDEA LIKE THAT.

idea

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AND YOU CAN MAKE MILLIONS. NEVER HAVE TO WORK AGAIN.

millions

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YOU THINK THE PET ROCK WAS A REALLY GREAT IDEA?

idea rock

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SURE IT WAS. THE GUY MADE A MILLION DOLLARS.

dollars million million-dollars

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YOU KNOW, I HAD AN IDEA LIKE THAT ONCE, A LONG TIME AGO.

idea

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REALLY? WHAT WAS IT, TOM?

↓

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

↓

IT WAS A "JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS" MAT.

conclusions jump

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YOU SEE, IT WOULD BE THIS MAT...

↓

THAT YOU WOULD PUT ON THE FLOOR,

floor

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AND IT WOULD HAVE DIFFERENT CONCLUSIONS WRITTEN ON IT...

conclusions written

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THAT YOU COULD JUMP TO.

jump

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THAT IS THE WORST IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE, TOM.

heard idea life worst

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YES. YES, IT'S HORRIBLE, THIS IDEA.

horrible idea

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UH, LOOK, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

outta

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I'LL SEE YOU GUYS LATER,

↓

IF I STILL HAVE A JOB. YEAH.

↓

OUR HIGH SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR USED TO ASK US WHAT YOU WOULD DO...

counselor guidance guidance-counselor school used

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IF YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS, DIDN'T HAVE TO WORK.

dollars million million-dollars

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AND, INVARIABLY, WHATEVER YOU'D SAY, THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR CAREER.

career supposed

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IF YOU WANTED TO FIX OLD CARS, THEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AN AUTO MECHANIC.

auto cars mechanic supposed wanted

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- SO WHAT DID YOU SAY? - I NEVER HAD AN ANSWER.

answer

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I GUESS THAT'S WHY I'M WORKING AT INITECH.

working

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NO. YOU'RE WORKING AT INITECH 'CAUSE THAT QUESTION IS BULLSHIT TO BEGIN WITH.

begin bullshit question working

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IF EVERYONE LISTENED TO HER, THERE'D BE NO JANITORS,

janitors listened thered

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BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD CLEAN SHIT UP IF THEY HAD A MILLION DOLLARS.

clean dollars million million-dollars

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IF I HAD MILLION DOLLARS,

dollars million million-dollars

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I WOULD INVEST HALF OF IT IN LOW-RISK MUTUAL FUNDS,

funds half invest mutual risk

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AND THEN TAKE THE OTHER HALF OF IT TO MY FRIEND ASADULAH, WHO WORKS IN SECURITIES--

friend half works

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SAMIR. SAMIR, YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT. THE POINT OF THE EXERCISE...

exercise missing point

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IS THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WOULD WANT TO DO IF--

figure supposed

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"P.C. LOAD LETTER"? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

fuck letter load

↓

WHAT THE--

↓

[ TV On, Indistinct ]

indistinct

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

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[ Man ] HEY, PETER, MAN! CHECK OUT CHANNEL 9!

channel check peter

↓

CHECK OUT THIS CHICK! DAMN IT, LAWRENCE.

check chick lawrence

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CAN'T YOU JUST PRETEND LIKE WE CAN'T HEAR EACH OTHER THROUGH THE WALL?

pretend wall

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OH, SORRY, MAN! ANNE OVER THERE OR SOMETHIN'?

anne somethin

↓

NO, BUT... IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME, JUST COME OVER.

↓

HEY, MAN, CHECK THIS OUT, DUDE.

check

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[ Woman ] THE KEY IS EARLY DETECTION. TUMORS THAT ARE DETECTED--

early woman

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AW, GEEZ, LAWRENCE. I'M SORRY, MAN. I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO SEE THIS.

geez lawrence

↓

DOESN'T THAT CHICK LOOK LIKE ANNE?

anne chick

↓

YEAH. A LITTLE BIT. I--

↓

HEY, SHE HASN'T BEEN OVER HERE IN A WHILE. YOU TWO STILL GOIN' OUT?

goin

↓

YEAH. I GUESS. I-I DON'T KNOW.

↓

SOMETIMES I GET THE FEELING LIKE SHE'S CHEATING ON ME.

cheating feeling sometimes

↓

YEAH. I GET THAT FEELING TOO, MAN.

feeling

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WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

↓

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

↓

I JUST GET THAT FEELING LOOKIN' AT HER, LIKE,

feeling lookin

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SHE'S THE TYPE OF CHICK THAT WOULD JUST--

chick type

↓

[ Groans ]

groans

↓

OH, I'M SORRY, MAN. LOOK, I-I--

↓

YOU KNOW, I'M TALKIN' OUTTA MY ASS. I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'.

nothin outta talkin

↓

FORGET IT. DON'T WORRY. IT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST-- I HAD A ROUGH DAY.

forget rough worry

↓

TELL ME ABOUT IT, MAN. [ Groans ]

groans

↓

I GOTTA WAKE MY ASS UP AT 6:00 A.M. EVERY DAY THIS WEEK,

wake week

↓

DRAG UP TO LAS COLINDAS.

drag

↓

YEAH. I'M DOIN' THE DRYWALL UP THERE AT THE NEW McDONALD'S.

doin mcdonalds

↓

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

↓

WHEN YOU COME IN ON MONDAY AND YOU'RE NOT FEELIN' REAL WELL,

feelin monday real

↓

DOES ANYONE EVER SAY TO YOU, "SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE HAS A CASE OF THE MONDAYS"?

case mondays sounds

↓

NO.

↓

NO, MAN.

↓

SHIT, NO, MAN.

↓

I BELIEVE YOU'D GET YOUR ASS KICKED, SAYIN' SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT, MAN.

believe kicked sayin somethin

↓

HUH. WE STILL GOIN' FISHIN' THIS WEEKEND?

goin weekend

↓

NAH, LUMBERGH'S GONNA HAVE ME COME IN ON SATURDAY. I JUST KNOW IT.

saturday

↓

WELL, YOU CAN GET OUT OF THAT EASILY.

easily

↓

YEAH? HOW?

↓

WELL,

↓

WHEN A BOSS WANTS YOU TO WORK ON A SATURDAY,

boss saturday wants

↓

HE GENERALLY ASKS YOU AT THE END OF THE DAY, RIGHT? YEAH.

asks generally

↓

SO ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS AVOID HIM-- THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I GOT IT--

avoid

↓

ON THE LAST FEW HOURS ON FRIDAY, DUCK OUT EARLY,

duck early friday hours

↓

TURN OFF YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE, YOU SHOULD BE HOME FREE, MAN.

answering answering-machine free home machine

↓

THAT'S A REALLY GOOD IDEA.

idea

↓

FUCKIN'-A, MAN.

fuckin

↓

LAWRENCE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS?

dollars lawrence million million-dollars

↓

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'D DO, MAN.

↓

TWO CHICKS AT THE SAME TIME, MAN.

chicks

↓

THAT'S IT?

↓

IF YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS, Y-YOU'D DO TWO CHICKS AT THE SAME TIME?

chicks dollars million million-dollars

↓

DAMN STRAIGHT. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THAT, MAN.

straight wanted

↓

I THINK IF I WERE A MILLIONAIRE, I COULD HOOK THAT UP TOO.

hook millionaire

↓

- 'CAUSE CHICKS DIG DUDES WITH MONEY. - WELL, NOT ALL CHICKS.

chicks dudes money

↓

WELL, THE TYPE OF CHICKS THAT WOULD DOUBLE UP ON A DUDE LIKE ME DO.

chicks double type

↓

GOOD POINT. WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU NOW?

point

↓

- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? - BESIDES TWO CHICKS AT THE SAME TIME?

besides chicks

↓

- WELL, YEAH. - NOTHING.

↓

NOTHIN', HUH?

nothin

↓

I WOULD RELAX.

relax

↓

I WOULD SIT ON MY ASS ALL DAY.

↓

I WOULD DO NOTHING.

↓

WELL, YOU DON'T NEED A MILLION DOLLARS TO DO NOTHIN', MAN.

dollars million million-dollars nothin

↓

TAKE A LOOK AT MY COUSIN. HE'S BROKE, DON'T DO SHIT.

broke cousin

↓

[ Nina's Voice ] CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING. JUST A MOMENT.

accounts corporate moment nina speaking voice

↓

CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking

↓

JUST A MOMENT.

moment

↓

CORPORATE ACCOUNTS PAYABLE. NINA SPEAKING.

accounts corporate nina speaking

↓

JUST A MOMENT.

moment

↓

[ Lumbergh ] SO, YOU SHOULD ASK YOURSELF:

↓

WITH EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE, IS THIS GOOD FOR THE COMPANY?

company decision

↓

- AM I HELPING WITH-- - IS THAT THE GUY?

helping

↓

YEAH. WE'RE SCREWED.

screwed

↓

OKAY, THEN, UM--

↓

I'D LIKE TO GO AHEAD AND WELCOME, UH, A NEW MEMBER TO OUR TEAM HERE.

ahead go-ahead member team welcome

↓

THIS IS, UH, BOB SLYDELL.

↓

YEAH. UH--

↓

BOB IS A CONSULTANT.

↓

YEAH. HE'S GONNA BE SORT OF, UH,

↓

HELPING US OUT A LITTLE HERE,

helping

↓

ASKING SOME QUESTIONS, MAYBE SEEING IF THERE ARE SOME WAYS...

asking questions seeing ways

↓

WE CAN MAKE THINGS RUN A LITTLE MORE SMOOTHLY AROUND HERE.

↓

YEAH. OH, AND REMEMBER,

remember

↓

NEXT FRIDAY IS HAWAIIAN SHIRT DAY.

friday hawaiian shirt

↓

SO, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO, GO AHEAD AND, UH,

ahead go-ahead

↓

WEAR A HAWAIIAN SHIRT AND JEANS.

hawaiian jeans shirt wear

↓

AND I SAID I DON'T CARE IF THEY LAY ME OFF, EITHER.

care

↓

BECAUSE I TOLD BILL THAT IF THEY MOVE MY DESK ONE MORE TIME,

bill desk

↓

THEN I'M-- I'M QUITTING-- I'M GOING TO QUIT.

quit quitting

↓

AND I TOLD DOM TOO, BECAUSE THEY'VE MOVED MY DESK FOUR TIMES ALREADY THIS YEAR.

desk four four-times moved times

↓

AND I USED TO BE OVER BY THE WINDOW...

used window

↓

AND I COULD SEE THE SQUIRRELS, AND THEY WERE MARRIED.

married squirrels

↓

BUT THEN THEY SWITCHED FROM THE SWINGLINE TO THE BOSTON STAPLER.

boston stapler switched

↓

BUT I KEPT MY SWINGLINE STAPLER BECAUSE IT DIDN'T BIND UP AS MUCH,

stapler

↓

AND I KEPT THE STAPLES FOR THE SWINGLINE STAPLER.

stapler

↓

OKAY, MILTON. [ Milton On Phone ] AND, OH, NO, IT'S NOT OKAY,

phone

↓

BECAUSE IF THEY MAKE ME-- IF THEY TAKE MY STAPLER,

stapler

↓

THEN I'LL--I'LL HAVE TO-- I'LL SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE.

building fire

↓

OKAY, WELL, THAT SOUNDS, UH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

sounds

↓

UH, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT? BYE. [ Milton Stammering ]

stammering

↓

OH.

↓

GOOD-BYE.

↓

[ Clicking ]

clicking

↓

COME ON.

↓

OH, FOR CRYIN'--

↓

HELLO, PETER. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

peter

↓

UM... I'M GONNA NEED YOU...

↓

TO GO AHEAD AND COME IN TOMORROW.

ahead go-ahead tomorrow

↓

SO IF YOU COULD BE HERE AROUND...

↓

9:00, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

↓

MM-KAY?

↓

OH, OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT.

forgot

↓

UH, I'M ALSO GONNA NEED YOU TO GO AHEAD AND COME IN...

ahead go-ahead

↓

ON SUNDAY TOO, 'KAY?

sunday

↓

WE, UM, LOST SOME PEOPLE THIS WEEK,

lost week

↓

AND, UH, WE NEED TO SORT OF PLAY CATCH-UP.

catch

↓

THANKS.

thanks

↓

[ Peter ] SO I WAS SITTING IN MY CUBICLE TODAY, AND I REALIZED,

cubicle peter realized sitting today

↓

EVER SINCE I STARTED WORKING, UM,

started started-working working

↓

EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN WORSE THAN...

life single worse

↓

THE DAY BEFORE IT.

↓

SO THAT MEANS THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY THAT YOU SEE ME,

single

↓

THAT'S ON THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

life worst

↓

WHAT ABOUT TODAY? IS TODAY THE WORST DAY OF YOUR LIFE?

life today worst

↓

- YEAH. - WOW. THAT'S MESSED UP.

messed

↓

I'M SORRY. GO ON.

↓

IS THERE ANY WAY THAT YOU COULD SORT OF...

↓

JUST ZONK ME OUT SO THAT, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW THAT I'M AT WORK... IN HERE?

↓

COULD I COME HOME AND THINK THAT I'VE BEEN FISHING ALL DAY, OR SOMETHING?

fishing home

↓

THAT'S... REALLY NOT WHAT I DO, PETER.

peter

↓

[ Chuckles ] HOWEVER,

chuckles

↓

THE GOOD NEWS IS, I THINK I CAN HELP YOU.

news

↓

I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME, PETER.

peter

↓

I WANT YOU TO TRY AND RELAX.

relax

↓

I WANT YOU TO RELAX EVERY MUSCLE IN YOUR BODY,

body muscle relax

↓

BEGINNING WITH YOUR TOES TO YOUR FINGERTIPS.

beginning toes

↓

NOW, I WANT YOU TO RELAX YOUR LEGS.

legs relax

↓

YOU'RE BEGINNING TO FEEL YOUR EYELIDS GETTING HEAVY...

beginning heavy

↓

AS YOU SLIP DEEPER AND DEEPER...

deeper slip

↓

INTO A STATE OF COMPLETE RELAXATION.

complete relaxation state

↓

ALL YOUR CARES AND CONCERNS ARE DISAPPEARING.

cares concerns

↓

DEEPER AND DEEPER. WAY DOWN.

deeper

↓

YOUR CONCERN ABOUT YOUR JOB...

concern

↓

MELTS AWAY,

melts

↓

WAY, WAY DOWN.

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

NOW, WHEN I COUNT BACKWARDS FROM THREE,

backwards count three

↓

YOU'LL BE IN A STATE OF COMPLETE RELAXATION.

complete relaxation state

↓

YOUR WORRIES, CARES AND INHIBITIONS WILL BE GONE,

cares gone worries

↓

AND YOU WILL REMAIN IN THAT STATE...

remain state

↓

UNTIL I SNAP MY FINGERS.

fingers snap

↓

THREE. DEEPER AND DEEPER.

deeper three

↓

WAY, WAY DOWN.

↓

TWO. DEEPER AND DEEPER.

deeper

↓

W-W-WAY DOWN.

↓

[ Labored Breathing ] WHU-- WHU-- ONE.

breathing

↓

[ Gasps ] OH, MY GOD! DOCTOR SWANSON!

doctor gasps swanson

↓

EW! EW! [ Woman ] IS HE BREATHING?

breathing woman

↓

CALL 911! OH! WHERE'S THE PHONE? WHERE'S THE GODDAMN PHONE?

goddamn phone

↓

[ Man ] HURRY!

hurry

↓

[ Anne ] PETER! HURRY!

anne hurry peter

↓

[ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

[ Phone Rings ]

phone phone-rings rings

↓

[ Answering Machine Beeps ] [ Peter On Machine ] YEAH, HI. IT'S BILL LUMBERGH.

answering answering-machine beeps bill machine machine-beeps peter

↓

IT'S ABOUT... 10:00.

↓

YEAH. JUST, UH, WONDERING WHERE YOU ARE.

wondering

↓

[ Rings, Beeps ]

beeps rings

↓

YEAH. HI. IT'S BILL LUMBERGH AGAIN.

bill

↓

UH, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU KNEW...

wanted

↓

THAT WE DID START AT THE, UH, USUAL TIME THIS MORNING.

morning start usual

↓

YEAH. IT ISN'T A HALF DAY OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

half

↓

SO, IF YOU COULD JUST GO AHEAD...

ahead go-ahead

↓

AND GET HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC.

possible terrific

↓

YEAH. HI. IT'S BILL LUM--

bill

↓

- YEAH. IT'S-- - YEAH. HI. IT'S BILL LUMBERGH--

bill

↓

YEAH. IT'S ME AGAIN. UH, I WAS AWAY FROM MY DESK FOR A MINUTE.

desk minute

↓

[ Phone Rings ] JUST CHECKING IN, IN CASE YOU CALLED WHILE I WAS GONE.

called case checking gone phone phone-rings rings

↓

HELLO? [ Anne ] PETER, WHAT'S GOING ON?

anne peter

↓

HUH? IT'S 3:30. WHY AREN'T YOU AT WORK?

↓

BECAUSE I-- I-- I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.

↓

[ Scoffs ] PETER, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

gotten peter scoffs

↓

FIRST, YOU JUST SIT THERE WHILE DR. SWANSON DIES.

dies swanson

↓

THEN YOU JUST WALK OUT OF THE CAR AND EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS.

embarrass friends front walk

↓

DON'T BLAME THIS ON HYPNOSIS, EITHER. THAT'S TOTAL BULL-- [ Beeps ]

beeps blame bull hypnosis total

↓

[ Phone Rings, Answering Machine Beeps ]

answering answering-machine beeps machine machine-beeps phone phone-rings rings

↓

[ Anne ] LISTEN, ASSHOLE. NOBODY HANGS UP ON ME.

anne asshole hangs nobody

↓

WE'RE THROUGH. OH, AND ONE MORE THING.

↓

I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU!

cheating

↓

[ Line Disconnects, Beeps ]

beeps line

↓

SO, FROM NOW ON, ONLY USE THE NEW TIME SHEETS...

sheets

↓

IF YOU'VE WORKED ON TWO OR MORE JOB CODES IN ONE DAY,

codes worked

↓

AND YOU NEED THE EXTRA COLUMNS TO FIT IT ALL IN.

extra

↓

OTHERWISE, USE THE OLD TIME SHEETS-- WHERE'S PETER?

otherwise peter sheets

↓

I HEARD HE DIDN'T SHOW UP THIS WEEKEND.

heard weekend

↓

UH, I DON'T KNOW. I THINK THIS NEW SYSTEM WILL REALLY, REALLY HELP US OUT.

system

↓

- WHO THE HELL IS THAT GUY? - SO, UH, ANY QUESTIONS?

questions

↓

HI. I'M PETER. HI. CAN I HELP YOU?

peter

↓

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' FOR LUNCH TODAY?

doin lunch lunch-today today

↓

UH, WELL, OUR SPECIALS TODAY ARE BLACKENED CHICKEN.

chicken specials today

↓

AND-- IT'S ACTUALLY RIGHT THERE ON THE BOARD. EXCUSE ME.

board excuse

↓

HEY, LOOK WHO'S BACK!

↓

TABLE FOR THREE TO--

table three

↓

I WAS ASKIN' WHAT YOU WERE DOIN' FOR LUNCH.

doin lunch

↓

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME?

lunch

↓

[ Scoffs ] ARE YOU-- ARE YOU SERIOUS?

scoffs serious

↓

YEAH.

↓

YEAH. UM, I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

supposed

↓

OH. OKAY.

↓

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO. I'M GONNA GO NEXT DOOR AND GET A TABLE.

door table

↓

AND IF YOU'D LIKE TO JOIN ME, UH, NO BIG DEAL, ALL RIGHT?

deal join

↓

AND IF NOT, THAT'S COOL TOO. OKAY?

cool

↓

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

↓

WHEN YOU SAY, "NEXT DOOR," DO YOU MEAN CHILI'S OR FLINGER'S?

door

↓

FLINGER'S.

↓

OKAY.

↓

WHAT YOU DO AT INITECH IS, YOU TAKE THE SPECIFICATIONS FROM THE CUSTOMERS...

customers

↓

AND YOU BRING THEM DOWN TO THE SOFTWARE ENGINEERS.

bring engineers software

↓

YES. Y--YES. THAT'S-- THAT'S RIGHT.

↓

WELL, THEN I JUST HAVE TO ASK,

↓

WHY COULDN'T THE CUSTOMERS JUST TAKE THEM DIRECTLY TO THE SOFTWARE PEOPLE, HUH?

customers directly software

↓

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

↓

UH, BECAUSE... ENGINEERS ARE NOT GOOD AT DEALING WITH CUSTOMERS.

customers dealing engineers

↓

UH-HUH.

↓

SO, YOU PHYSICALLY TAKE THE SPECS FROM THE CUSTOMER?

customer physically specs

↓

WELL--

↓

NO. MY SECRETARY DOES THAT, OR THEY'RE FAXED.

secretary

↓

HUH.

↓

SO THEN YOU MUST PHYSICALLY BRING THEM TO THE SOFTWARE PEOPLE.

bring must physically software

↓

WELL... NO.

↓

I MEAN, SOMETIMES.

sometimes

↓

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOU DO HERE?

↓

WELL, LOOK, I ALREADY TOLD YOU.

↓

I DEAL WITH THE GODDAMN CUSTOMERS SO THE ENGINEERS DON'T HAVE TO.

customers deal engineers goddamn

↓

I HAVE PEOPLE SKILLS. I AM GOOD AT DEALING WITH PEOPLE!

dealing skills

↓

CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

↓

I--

↓

LET'S SEE.

↓

YOU ARE MICHAEL...

michael

↓

- BOLTON? - YEAH.

↓

IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME? YEAH.

name real real-name

↓

ARE YOU ANY RELATION TO THE POP SINGER?

singer

↓

NO, IT'S-- IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE. I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU.

coincidence honest

↓

I LOVE HIS MUSIC. I DO. I'M A MICHAEL BOLTON FAN. ME TOO.

love michael music

↓

I DON'T KNOW IF IT GETS ANY BETTER THAN WHEN HE SINGS "WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN."

loves sings woman

↓

BUT YOU MUST REALLY LOVE HIS MUSIC, HUH?

love music must

↓

[ Men Chuckle ]

chuckle

↓

YEAH, HE'S-- HE'S-- HE'S PRETTY--

↓

- HE'S PRETTY GOOD, I GUESS. - YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT, HE IS.

goddamn

↓

[ Men Laugh ] RIGHT.

laugh

↓

SO, TELL ME. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SONG OF HIS?

favorite song

↓

MMM--

↓

[ Clears Throat ] I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW.

clears clears-throat throat

↓

[ Chuckles ] I MEAN, I GUESS I SORT OF LIKE THEM ALL.

chuckles

↓

THAT'S A RIOT. I'M THE EXACT SAME WAY.

exact riot

↓

BUT IT MUST BE TWICE AS HARD FOR YOU, BEING HAVING THE SAME NAME AS HIM.

hard having must name twice

↓

I CELEBRATE THE GUY'S ENTIRE CATALOG.

celebrate entire

↓

ANYWAY, LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS, MICHAEL.

business michael

↓

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME MIKE.

mike

↓

- HI. - HEY.

↓

I WONDER IF I'M ALLOWED TO, UH, WEAR THIS IN HERE.

allowed wear wonder

↓

I THINK IT'LL BE OKAY. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SIT DOWN?

itll

↓

OKAY.

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

WOW! THIS PLACE IS REALLY... NICE.

place

↓

YEAH. IS IT?

↓

YEAH, MY GOD, COMPARED TO CHOTCHKIE'S!

compared

↓

I LIKE THE UNIFORMS BETTER, ANYWAY.

uniforms

↓

I LIKE YOURS.

↓

UGH!

↓

- "WE'RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE." - [ Scoffs ]

anymore kansas scoffs

↓

YEAH, REALLY. [ Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

IT'S ON YOUR--

↓

OHH! YEAH. THAT'S-- THAT'S, UH--

↓

THAT'S ONE OF MY-- MY PIECES OF FLAIR. WHAT'S A PIECE OF FLAIR?

piece pieces

↓

OH, IT'S, UH, WHERE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THESE SUSPENDERS...

↓

AND, UH, THE BUTTONS ARE ALL SORT OF--

buttons

↓

WE'RE ACTUALLY REQUIRED TO WEAR, UM, 15 PIECES OF FLAIR.

pieces required wear

↓

IT'S REALLY STUPID, ACTUALLY.

stupid

↓

DO YOU GET TO PICK 'EM YOURSELF? YEAH, YEAH, WE DO.

pick

↓

ALTHOUGH I DIDN'T ACTUALLY CHOOSE THESE.

choose

↓

I JUST SORT OF GRABBED, YOU KNOW, 15 BUTTONS AND JUST--

buttons grabbed

↓

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

care

↓

I DON'T REALLY LIKE TALKING ABOUT MY FLAIR.

↓

OKAY. SO,

↓

WHERE DO YOU, UH, WORK, PETER? INITECH.

peter

↓

AND, YEAH, WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU DO THERE?

↓

I SIT IN A CUBICLE,

cubicle

↓

AND I UPDATE BANK SOFTWARE FOR THE 2000 SWITCH.

bank software switch update

↓

WHAT'S THAT? WELL, SEE, THEY WROTE ALL THIS BANK SOFTWARE,

bank software wrote

↓

AND, UH, TO SAVE SPACE, THEY USED TWO DIGITS FOR THE DATE INSTEAD OF FOUR.

date digits four save space used

↓

SO, LIKE, 98 INSTEAD OF 1998.

↓

UH, SO I GO THROUGH THESE THOUSANDS OF LINES OF CODE AND, UH--

code lines thousands

↓

IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

matter

↓

I, UH, I DON'T LIKE MY JOB, AND, UH,

↓

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA GO ANYMORE.

anymore

↓

YOU'RE JUST NOT GOING TO GO? YEAH.

↓

WON'T YOU GET FIRED? I DON'T KNOW.

fired

↓

BUT I REALLY DON'T LIKE IT AND, UH, I'M NOT GONNA GO.

↓

WHAT, SO YOU'RE GONNA QUIT?

quit

↓

NUH-UH. NOT REALLY. UH-- I'M JUST GONNA STOP GOING.

↓

UH, WHEN DID YOU DECIDE ALL OF THAT?

decide

↓

ABOUT AN HOUR AGO. OH, REALLY.

hour

↓

YEAH. ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

hour

↓

SO YOU'RE GONNA GET ANOTHER JOB?

another

↓

I DON'T THINK I'D LIKE ANOTHER JOB.

another

↓

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT MONEY AND BILLS AND--

bills money

↓

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER REALLY LIKED PAYING BILLS.

bills liked paying

↓

I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA DO THAT, EITHER.

↓

UH, WELL, SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?

↓

I WANNA TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER,

dinner

↓

AND THEN I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT AND WATCH KUNG FU.

apartment kung watch

↓

DO YOU EVER WATCH KUNG FU?

kung watch

↓

I LOVE KUNG FU. CHANNEL 39.

channel kung love

↓

TOTALLY. YOU SHOULD COME OVER AND WATCH KUNG FU TONIGHT.

kung tonight watch

↓

OKAY. GREAT.

↓

OKAY. CAN WE ORDER LUNCH FIRST?

lunch order

↓

YEAH. OKAY.

↓

[ Muttering ]

muttering

↓

[ Indistinct Conversation ]

conversation indistinct indistinct-conversation

↓

NOT WORKING OUT.

working

↓

TOOK A STAPLER OFF MY DESK--

desk stapler

↓

[ Continues, Indistinct ]

continues indistinct

↓

[ All Laughing ]

laughing

↓

ANYWAY, SOUNDS GREAT, BOB. SEE YOU IN A FEW.

sounds

↓

HI, MILTON. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

↓

I'M SORRY? AH, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU...

↓

TO GO AHEAD AND MOVE YOUR DESK AGAIN.

ahead desk go-ahead

↓

EH-- WHAT? NO. SO, IF YOU COULD GO AHEAD...

ahead go-ahead

↓

AND GET IT AS FAR BACK AGAINST THAT WALL AS POSSIBLE,

possible wall

↓

THAT WOULD BE GREAT. NO, NO, BECAUSE I WAS--

↓

I WAS TOLD I NO LONGER-- THAT WAY, WE'LL HAVE SOME ROOM...

longer room

↓

FOR SOME OF THESE BOXES AND THINGS WE NEED TO PUT IN HERE.

boxes

↓

THERE'S NO ROOM. AND, UH--

room

↓

OH. OH, THERE IT IS.

↓

WHAT? HERE, LET ME JUST GO AHEAD AND GET THAT FROM YOU.

ahead go-ahead

↓

- [ Moans ] - GREAT.

moans

↓

[ Whimpering ] SO IF YOU COULD JUST GET TO THAT...

whimpering

↓

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC. MM-KAY?

possible terrific

↓

THANKS A BUNCH, MILTON. GOOD-BYE. BUT--

bunch thanks

↓

WELL, OKAY, BUT...

↓

I COULD SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE.

building fire

↓

PETER. MICHAEL.

michael peter

↓

WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA COME IN HERE AND START SHOOTING.

shooting start

↓

NO. I JUST CAME TO GET MY ADDRESS BOOK. I'M NOT GONNA STAY.

address book

↓

I GOT A PHONE NUMBER, MIKE, THAT I DON'T WANNA LOSE. WHAT?

lose mike number phone phone-number

↓

PETER, YOU'RE IN DEEP SHIT. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME IN ON SATURDAY.

deep peter saturday supposed

↓

WHAT WERE YOU DOING? MICHAEL, I DID NOTHING.

michael

↓

I DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND IT WAS EVERYTHING THAT I THOUGHT IT COULD BE.

absolutely

↓

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BETTER STORY THAN THAT FOR LUMBERGH.

hope story

↓

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING YOUR INTERVIEW RIGHT NOW WITH THE CONSULTANTS.

having interview supposed

↓

THE WHO? THE CONSULTANTS.

↓

WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU?

gotten

↓

OH, YEAH. RIGHT.

↓

WAIT, PETER. PETER. YOU GOTTA POSTPONE IT, MAN.

peter

↓

TELL 'EM YOU'VE BEEN SICK. MAKE SOMETHING UP.

sick

↓

OH, NO WAY. NO, I FEEL GREAT.

↓

IT'S THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

best life

↓

NEXT BATTER LOOKS LIKE A PETER GIBBONS.

batter peter

↓

UH-HUH. AH, THERE YOU ARE.

↓

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU. YOU MUST BE PETER GIBBONS.

must peter

↓

UH-HUH. TERRIFIC. I'M BOB SLYDELL. THIS IS MY ASSOCIATE BOB PORTER.

associate terrific

↓

OH, HI, BOB. BOB.

↓

WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND GRAB A SEAT AND JOIN US FOR A MINUTE OR TWO.

ahead go-ahead grab join minute seat

↓

YOU SEE, WHAT WE'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO DO HERE IS WE'RE JUST--

↓

WE'RE TRYING TO GET A FEEL FOR HOW PEOPLE SPEND THEIR DAY AT WORK.

spend

↓

SO, IF YOU WOULD, WOULD YOU WALK US THROUGH A TYPICAL DAY FOR YOU?

typical walk

↓

YEAH. GREAT.

↓

WELL, I GENERALLY COME IN AT LEAST 15 MINUTES LATE.

generally late least minutes minutes-late

↓

UH, I USE THE SIDE DOOR.

door side

↓

THAT WAY LUMBERGH CAN'T SEE ME.

↓

AND, UH, AND AFTER THAT,

↓

I JUST SORT OF SPACE OUT FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.

hour space

↓

UH, "SPACE OUT"? YEAH.

space

↓

I JUST STARE AT MY DESK, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I'M WORKING.

desk stare working

↓

I DO THAT FOR, UH, PROBABLY ANOTHER HOUR AFTER LUNCH TOO.

another hour lunch

↓

I'D SAY IN A GIVEN WEEK, I PROBABLY ONLY DO ABOUT 15 MINUTES...

given minutes week

↓

OF REAL, ACTUAL WORK.

actual real

↓

UH, PETER, WOULD YOU BE A GOOD SPORT...

peter sport

↓

AND INDULGE US AND JUST... TELL US A LITTLE MORE?

indulge

↓

OH, YEAH. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT T.P.S. REPORTS.

reports

↓

[ Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

THE THING IS, BOB, IT'S NOT THAT I'M LAZY. IT'S THAT I JUST DON'T CARE.

care lazy

↓

DON'T-- DON'T CARE?

care

↓

IT'S A PROBLEM OF MOTIVATION, ALL RIGHT?

motivation problem

↓

NOW, IF I WORK MY ASS OFF AND INITECH SHIPS A FEW EXTRA UNITS,

extra ships units

↓

I DON'T SEE ANOTHER DIME, SO WHERE'S THE MOTIVATION?

another dime motivation

↓

AND HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE, BOB.

↓

I HAVE EIGHT DIFFERENT BOSSES RIGHT NOW.

bosses eight

↓

I BEG YOUR PARDON? EIGHT? EIGHT BOSSES. EIGHT, BOB.

bosses eight pardon

↓

SO THAT MEANS THAT WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE,

mistake

↓

I HAVE EIGHT DIFFERENT PEOPLE COMING BY TO TELL ME ABOUT IT.

coming eight

↓

MY ONLY REAL MOTIVATION IS NOT TO BE HASSLED.

motivation real

↓

THAT AND THE FEAR OF LOSING MY JOB.

fear losing

↓

BUT YOU KNOW, BOB, THAT'LL ONLY MAKE SOMEONE WORK JUST HARD ENOUGH NOT TO GET FIRED.

fired hard thatll

↓

WOULD YOU BEAR WITH ME FOR JUST A SECOND, PLEASE?

bear second

↓

OKAY.

↓

WHAT IF-- AND BELIEVE ME,

believe

↓

THIS IS SO HYPOTHETICAL--

hypothetical

↓

BUT WHAT IF YOU WERE OFFERED SOME KIND OF A STOCK OPTION,

offered option stock

↓

EQUITY-SHARING PROGRAM?

program sharing

↓

WOULD THAT DO ANYTHING FOR YOU? I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS.

↓

LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO. UH, IT'S BEEN REALLY NICE TALKING TO BOTH OF YOU GUYS.

↓

ABSOLUTELY. THE PLEASURE'S ALL ON THIS SIDE OF THE TABLE, TRUST ME.

absolutely pleasures side table trust

↓

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR LAYOFFS, ALL RIGHT? I HOPE YOUR FIRINGS GO REALLY WELL.

hope luck

↓

OKAY. GREAT. WOW. THANKS A LOT.

thanks

↓

SO, PETER, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

peter

↓

LISTEN, UH--

↓

JOANNA, WOULD YOU COME HERE A MINUTE, PLEASE?

joanna minute

↓

YEAH.

↓

I'M SORRY I WAS LATE, BUT I WAS HAVING LUNCH AND I, UH--

having having-lunch late lunch

↓

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FLAIR.

↓

REALLY? I-I HAVE 15 PIECES ON. I ALSO--

pieces

↓

WELL, 15 IS THE MINIMUM, OKAY? OH. OKAY.

minimum

↓

NOW, YOU KNOW, IT'S UP TO YOU WHETHER OR NOT...

whether

↓

YOU WANNA JUST DO THE BARE MINIMUM OR, UH--

bare minimum

↓

WELL, LIKE BRIAN, FOR EXAMPLE, HAS 37 PIECES OF FLAIR ON TODAY.

brian example pieces today

↓

AND A TERRIFIC SMILE. OKAY, SO YOU WANT ME TO WEAR MORE?

smile terrific wear

↓

- LOOK, JOANNA-- - YEAH?

joanna

↓

PEOPLE CAN GET A CHEESEBURGER ANYWHERE, OKAY?

cheeseburger

↓

THEY COME TO CHOTCHKIE'S FOR THE ATMOSPHERE AND THE ATTITUDE.

atmosphere attitude

↓

OKAY? THAT'S WHAT THE FLAIR'S ABOUT. IT'S ABOUT FUN.

fun

↓

YEAH. OKAY, SO MORE THEN, YEAH?

↓

LOOK, WE WANT YOU TO EXPRESS YOURSELF. OKAY?

express

↓

NOW, IF YOU FEEL THAT THE BARE MINIMUM IS ENOUGH, THEN OKAY.

bare minimum

↓

BUT SOME PEOPLE CHOOSE TO WEAR MORE AND WE ENCOURAGE THAT. OKAY?

choose encourage wear

↓

YOU DO WANNA EXPRESS YOURSELF, DON'T YOU?

express

↓

- Y-YEAH. - OKAY, GREAT, GREAT.

↓

THAT'S ALL I ASK.

↓

OKAY.

↓

RIGHT, SO THERE'S THREE MORE PEOPLE WE CAN EASILY LOSE.

easily lose three

↓

AND THEN THERE'S TOM SMYKOWSKI.

↓

HE'S USELESS.

useless

↓

GONE. SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

gone sounds

↓

HERE'S A PECULIAR-- UH, MILTON WADDAMS.

peculiar

↓

WHO'S HE? YOU KNOW, SQUIRRELY-LOOKING GUY.

looking

↓

MUMBLES A LOT. OH, YEAH.

mumbles

↓

YEAH, WE-- WE CAN'T ACTUALLY FIND A RECORD OF HIM BEING A CURRENT EMPLOYEE HERE.

current employee record

↓

I LOOKED INTO IT MORE DEEPLY, AND I FOUND THAT APPARENTLY WHAT HAPPENED...

apparently deeply found happened looked

↓

IS THAT HE WAS LAID OFF FIVE YEARS AGO, AND NO ONE EVER TOLD HIM ABOUT IT.

five five-years laid years

↓

BUT THROUGH SOME KIND OF GLITCH IN THE PAYROLL DEPARTMENT, HE STILL GETS A PAYCHECK.

department glitch paycheck payroll

↓

SO WE JUST WENT AHEAD AND FIXED THE GLITCH.

ahead fixed glitch

↓

GREAT. SO, UH, MILTON HAS BEEN LET GO.

↓

WELL, JUST A SECOND THERE, PROFESSOR.

professor second

↓

WE, UH, WE FIXED THE GLITCH,

fixed glitch

↓

SO HE WON'T BE RECEIVING A PAYCHECK ANYMORE,

anymore paycheck receiving

↓

SO IT'LL JUST WORK ITSELF OUT NATURALLY.

itll naturally

↓

WE ALWAYS LIKE TO AVOID CONFRONTATION WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

avoid possible

↓

THE PROBLEM IS SOLVED FROM YOUR END.

problem solved

↓

UM, I'D LIKE TO MOVE US RIGHT ALONG TO A PETER GIBBONS.

along peter

↓

NOW, WE HAD A CHANCE TO MEET THIS YOUNG MAN,

chance meet young

↓

AND, BOY, THAT'S JUST A STRAIGHT SHOOTER...

shooter straight

↓

WITH UPPER MANAGEMENT WRITTEN ALL OVER HIM.

management upper written

↓

[ Inhales ] OOH.

inhales

↓

YEAH. UM--

↓

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO AHEAD AND SORT OF DISAGREE WITH YOU THERE.

ahead disagree go-ahead

↓

YEAH, UH, HE'S BEEN REAL FLAKY LATELY,

lately real

↓

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE THAT HE'S THE CALIBER PERSON...

person

↓

THAT WE WOULD WANT FOR UPPER MANAGEMENT.

management upper

↓

HE'S ALSO BEEN HAVING SOME PROBLEMS WITH HIS T.P.S. REPORTS.

having problems reports

↓

I'LL HANDLE THIS.

handle

↓

WE FEEL...

↓

THAT THE PROBLEM ISN'T WITH PETER.

peter problem

↓

MM-MMM.

↓

IT'S THAT YOU HAVEN'T CHALLENGED HIM ENOUGH TO GET HIM REALLY MOTIVATED.

challenged motivated

↓

THERE IT IS.

↓

YEAH, UH, WELL,

↓

I'M JUST NOT SURE ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

↓

YEAH, BILL, LET ME ASK YOU A REAL QUICK QUESTION HERE.

bill question quick quick-question real real-quick

↓

HOW MUCH TIME WOULD YOU SAY YOU SPEND EACH WEEK...

spend week

↓

DEALING WITH THESE T.P.S. REPORTS?

dealing reports

↓

YEAH.

↓

♪ DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA ♪

feels

↓

♪ DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA ♪

feels

↓

♪ A REAL GANGSTA-ASS NIGGA PLAYS HIS CARDS RIGHT ♪

cards nigga plays real

↓

♪ A REAL GANGSTA-ASS NIGGA NEVER RUNS HIS MOUTH ♪

mouth nigga real runs

↓

♪ 'CAUSE REAL GANGSTA-ASS NIGGAS DON'T START FIGHTS ♪

fights real start

↓

♪ AND NIGGAS ALWAYS GOTTA HIGH CAP ♪

↓

♪ SHOWIN' ALL HIS BOYS HOW HE SHOT 'EM ♪

boys shot

↓

♪ BUT REAL GANGSTA-ASS NIGGAS DON'T FLEX MUCH ♪

real

↓

♪ 'CAUSE REAL GANGSTA-ASS NIGGAS KNOW THEY GOT 'EM ♪

real

↓

♪ AND EVERYTHING'S COOL IN THE MIND OF A GANGSTA ♪

cool everythings mind

↓

♪ 'CAUSE GANGSTA-ASS NIGGAS THINK DEEP ♪

deep

↓

♪ UP 365 A YEAR, 24-7 ♪

↓

[ Indistinct ] ♪ REAL GANGSTA-ASS NIGGAS DON'T SLEEP ♪

indistinct real sleep

↓

♪ AND ALL I GOTTA SAY TO YOU WANNABE, GONNA-BE ♪

↓

♪ COOTCHIE-EATIN', JEALOUS-HEART PRANKSTERS ♪

eatin heart jealous

↓

♪ IS WHEN THE SHIT JUMPS UP WHAT YOU GON' DO ♪

jumps

↓

♪ DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA ♪

feels

↓

[ Lawrence ] HEY, PETER, MAN! CHECK OUT CHANNEL 9.

channel check lawrence peter

↓

IT'S THE BREAST EXAMS. WHOA!

breast exams whoa

↓

♪ DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA ♪

feels

↓

HI, PETER. ♪ FEEDIN' THE POOR AND HELPIN' OUT WITH THEIR BILLS ♪

bills peter poor

↓

HI, DOM. ♪ ALTHOUGH I WAS BORN IN JAMAICA ♪

born jamaica

↓

♪ NOW I'M IN THE U.S. MAKING DEALS ♪

deals

↓

♪ DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA ♪

feels

↓

♪ I MEAN, ONE THAT YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW ♪

↓

♪ RIDING AROUND TOWN IN A DROP-TOP BENZ ♪

drop riding town

↓

♪ HITTIN' SWITCHES IN MY BLACK SIX-FOUR ♪

black four hittin switches

↓

♪ NOW GANGSTA-ASS NIGGAS COME IN ALL SHAPES AND COLORS ♪

colors shapes

↓

♪ SOME GOT KILLED IN THE PAST ♪ TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE.

killed past

↓

♪ BUT THIS GANGSTA HERE WAS A SMART ONE ♪

smart

↓

♪ STARTED LIVING FOR THE LORD AND I'LL LAST ♪

living lord started

↓

♪ NOW ALL I GOTTA SAY TO YOU WANNABE, GONNA-BE ♪

↓

♪ CRUMB-SNATCHIN', COOTCHIE-EATIN' PRANKSTERS ♪

eatin

↓

♪ WHEN THE GRIM REAPER STEPS UP WHAT THE HELL YOU GONNA DO ♪

grim steps

↓

♪ DAMN, IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTA ♪♪

feels

↓

SO, PETER, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

peter

↓

UH, NOW, ARE YOU GOING TO GO AHEAD...

ahead go-ahead

↓

AND HAVE THOSE T.P.S. REPORTS FOR US THIS AFTERNOON?

afternoon reports

↓

NO.

↓

AH, YEAH.

↓

SO I GUESS WE SHOULD PROBABLY GO AHEAD AND HAVE A LITTLE TALK, HMM?

ahead go-ahead

↓

NOT RIGHT NOW, LUMBERGH. I'M-- I'M KINDA BUSY.

busy kinda

↓

IN FACT, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO GO AHEAD AND JUST COME BACK ANOTHER TIME.

ahead another fact go-ahead

↓

I GOT A MEETING WITH THE BOBS IN A COUPLE MINUTES.

bobs couple couple-minutes meeting minutes

↓

UH, I WASN'T AWARE OF A MEETING WITH THEM.

aware meeting

↓

YEAH, THEY CALLED ME AT HOME.

called home

↓

THAT SOUNDS GOOD, PETER.

peter sounds

↓

AND, UH, WE'LL GO AHEAD AND GET THIS ALL FIXED UP FOR YOU.

ahead fixed go-ahead

↓

GREAT.

↓

[ Muttering ]

muttering

↓

HI, MILTON. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

↓

I WAS-- I-I-- I DIDN'T RECEIVE MY PAYCHECK THIS WEEK.

paycheck receive week

↓

UH, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK TO PAYROLL ABOUT THAT.

payroll

↓

I DID AND THEY SAID--

↓

MILT, WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO GO AHEAD AND MOVE YOU DOWNSTAIRS INTO STORAGE "B."

ahead downstairs go-ahead storage

↓

NO, I-I WAS TOLD I COULD NOT-- WE HAVE SOME NEW PEOPLE COMING IN,

coming

↓

NO. THERE'S-- AND WE NEED ALL THE SPACE WE CAN GET.

space

↓

BUT THERE'S NO SPACE-- SO IF YOU COULD JUST GO AHEAD...

ahead go-ahead space

↓

AND PACK UP YOUR STUFF, AND MOVE IT DOWN THERE, [ Stammering ]

pack stammering stuff

↓

THAT WOULD BE TERRIFIC-- MM-KAY? I WAS TOLD I COULD STAY---

terrific

↓

EXCUSE ME.

excuse

↓

I BELIEVE YOU HAVE MY STAPLER, PLEASE. MMM.

believe stapler

↓

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN MISSING A LOT OF WORK LATELY.

lately missing

↓

I WOULDN'T SAY I'VE BEEN MISSING IT, BOB. [ Laughing ]

laughing missing

↓

GOOD ONE. OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC, PETER.

peter terrific

↓

I-I'M SURE YOU'VE-- YOU'VE HEARD SOME OF THE RUMORS...

heard rumors

↓

CIRCULATING AROUND THE HALLWAYS ABOUT HOW WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING...

hallways

↓

A LITTLE "HOUSECLEANING" WITH SOME OF THE SOFTWARE PEOPLE.

software

↓

WELL, BOB, I HAVE HEARD THAT, AND YOU GOTTA DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO.

heard

↓

WE'RE GONNA BE GETTING RID OF THESE PEOPLE HERE.

↓

FIRST, MR. SAMIR NAGA--

↓

HE-- HE-- NAGA--

↓

NAGA--- NOT GONNA WORK HERE ANYMORE ANYWAY. [ Laughing ]

anymore laughing

↓

AND MR. MIKE BOLTON. NOBODY'S GONNA MISS HIM.

mike miss nobodys

↓

YOU'RE GONNA LAYOFF SAMIR AND MICHAEL?

michael

↓

AH, YEAH, WE'RE GONNA BRING IN SOME ENTRY-LEVEL GRADUATES.

bring entry graduates level

↓

FARM SOME WORK OUT TO SINGAPORE. THAT'S THE USUAL DEAL.

deal farm usual

↓

IT'S STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE. DO THEY KNOW THIS YET?

operating procedure standard

↓

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

course

↓

WE FIND IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO FIRE PEOPLE ON A FRIDAY.

fire friday

↓

STUDIES HAVE STATISTICALLY SHOWN THAT THERE'S LESS CHANCE OF AN INCIDENT...

chance incident less shown statistically studies

↓

IF YOU DO IT AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

week

↓

PETER, WHAT WE'D LIKE TO DO IS PUT YOU INTO POSITION...

peter position

↓

TO HAVE AS MANY AS FOUR PEOPLE WORKING RIGHT UNDERNEATH YOU.

four underneath working

↓

- THIS IS A BIG PROMOTION, PETE. - IT'S HUGE.

huge pete promotion

↓

SO YOU'RE GOING TO FIRE MICHAEL AND SAMIR AND YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME MORE MONEY?

fire michael money

↓

- HMM? - WOW!

↓

HMM. YEAH. THAT'S IT.

↓

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I NEED. UH-HUH. GIVE IT TO ME.

↓

COME ON, YOU LITTLE FUCKER. LET'S GO. THAT'S WHAT I NEED.

fucker

↓

LET'S DO THAT. LET'S DO EXACTLY THAT, YOU LITTLE FUCK--

fuck

↓

MICHAEL. HEY.

michael

↓

LISTEN TO ME.

↓

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

tonight

↓

MICHAEL, THERE COMES A POINT IN A MAN'S LIFE,

comes life mans mans-life michael point

↓

AND MAYBE THAT TIME FOR YOU IS NOW,

↓

WHEN IT DOESN'T HURT TO START THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE.

future hurt start start-thinking thinking

↓

UH, NO OFFENSE THERE, PETER, BUT SPEAK FOR YOURSELF THERE, SPORT.

offense peter speak sport

↓

I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S BEEN FLAKIN' OUT AT WORK.

↓

I KNOW YOU HAD THIS RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE OR WHATEVER THE HELL THAT WAS,

experience religious

↓

BUT YOU'D BETTER SNAP OUT OF IT AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, OR YOU'RE GONNA GET CANNED.

canned snap

↓

YEAH, AND, UH, AND I-- LISTEN.

↓

THAT VIRUS YOU'RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?

virus

↓

THE ONE THAT COULD RIP OFF THE COMPANY FOR A BUNCH OF MONEY.

bunch company money

↓

- YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT? - WELL, HOW DOES IT WORK?

↓

IT'S PRETTY BRILLIANT.

brilliant

↓

WHAT IT DOES IS, EVERY TIME THERE'S A BANK TRANSACTION WHERE INTEREST IS COMPUTED,

bank interest transaction

↓

YOU KNOW, THOUSANDS A DAY, THE COMPUTER ENDS UP...

computer ends thousands

↓

WITH THESE FRACTIONS OF A CENT, WHICH IT USUALLY ROUNDS OFF.

cent rounds usually

↓

WHAT THIS DOES IS, IT TAKES THOSE LITTLE REMAINDERS AND PUTS IT INTO AN ACCOUNT.

account takes

↓

THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR. YEAH, THEY DID IT IN SUPERMAN III.

familiar sounds sounds-familiar superman

↓

RIGHT, UH- AN UNDERRATED MOVIE, ACTUALLY.

movie

↓

AND A BUNCH OF HACKERS DID IT IN THE '70s AS WELL. ONE OF THEM GOT BUSTED.

bunch busted hackers

↓

WELL, SO THEY CHECK FOR THIS NOW. NO, HERE'S THE THING.

check

↓

INITECH'S SO BACKED UP WITH ALL THE SOFTWARE WE'RE UPDATING FOR THE YEAR 2000,

backed software

↓

THEY'D NEVER NOTICE.

notice theyd

↓

YOU'RE RIGHT.

↓

AND EVEN IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY COULDN'T CHECK ALL THAT CODE.

check code wanted

↓

THUMBS UP THEIR ASSES. THUMBS UP THEIR ASSES.

asses thumbs

↓

SO, MICHAEL, WHAT'S TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THIS?

michael

↓

IT'S NOT WORTH THE RISK. I GOT A GOOD JOB.

risk worth

↓

WHAT IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A GOOD JOB?

↓

COCK-GOBBLERS!

cock

↓

SAMIR AND I ARE THE BEST PROGRAMMERS THEY GOT AT THAT PLACE.

best place

↓

AND YOU, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN SHOWIN' UP, AND YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR JOB.

↓

ACTUALLY, I'M BEING PROMOTED. WHAT?

promoted

↓

I KNOW, MICHAEL. IT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR.

completely michael unfair

↓

AND I REALIZED SOMETHING TODAY.

realized today

↓

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT ME AND MY DREAM OF DOING NOTHING.

dream

↓

IT'S ABOUT ALL OF US TOGETHER.

↓

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT THAT HYPNOTHERAPIST,

happened

↓

AND, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE IT WAS JUST SHOCK AND IT'S WEARING OFF NOW,

shock wearing

↓

BUT WHEN I SAW THAT FAT MAN KEEL OVER AND DIE--

↓

MICHAEL, WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON THIS EARTH.

earth michael

↓

WE WEREN'T MEANT TO SPEND IT THIS WAY.

meant spend

↓

HUMAN BEINGS WERE NOT MEANT TO SIT IN LITTLE CUBICLES,

beings human human-beings meant

↓

STARING AT COMPUTER SCREENS ALL DAY, FILLING OUT USELESS FORMS...

computer filling forms screens staring useless

↓

AND LISTENING TO EIGHT DIFFERENT BOSSES DRONE ON ABOUT MISSION STATEMENTS.

bosses eight listening mission statements

↓

I TOLD THOSE FUDGE-PACKERS I LIKED MICHAEL BOLTON'S MUSIC.

fudge liked michael music

↓

OH. THAT IS NOT RIGHT, MICHAEL.

michael

↓

FOR FIVE YEARS NOW, YOU'VE WORKED YOUR ASS OFF AT INITECH,

five five-years worked years

↓

HOPING FOR A PROMOTION OR SOME KIND OF PROFIT-SHARING OR SOMETHING.

hoping profit promotion sharing

↓

FIVE YEARS OF YOUR MID-20s NOW GONE.

five five-years gone years

↓

AND YOU'RE GONNA GO IN TOMORROW, THEY'RE GONNA THROW YOU OUT ON THE STREET.

street throw tomorrow

↓

YOU KNOW WHY?

↓

SO THAT BILL LUMBERGH'S STOCK WILL GO UP A QUARTER OF A POINT.

bill point quarter stock

↓

UGH.

↓

MICHAEL, LET'S MAKE THAT STOCK GO DOWN,

michael stock

↓

AND LET'S TAKE ENOUGH MONEY OUT OF THAT PLACE...

money place

↓

SO THAT WE NEVER EVER HAVE TO SIT IN A CUBICLE EVER AGAIN.

cubicle

↓

YOUR SOFTWARE WORKS, RIGHT?

software works

↓

OF COURSE IT WORKS. THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

course point works

↓

LOOK, EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO INSTALL IT.

install wanted

↓

I DON'T KNOW THE CREDIT UNION'S SOFTWARE WELL ENOUGH. OKAY?

credit software

↓

YEAH.

↓

BUT SAMIR DOES.

↓

BUT, PETER, THAT'S NOT MUCH MONEY. THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.

beauty money peter

↓

EACH WITHDRAWAL, THAT'S A FRACTION OF A CENT. THAT'S TOO SMALL TO NOTICE.

cent notice withdrawal

↓

BUT A FEW THOUSAND WITHDRAWALS A DAY, YOU SPACE IT OUT OVER A COUPLE OF YEARS,

couple space thousand years

↓

THAT'S A FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS.

dollars hundred thousand thousand-dollars

↓

- IT'S LIKE SUPERMAN III. - SUPERMAN III--WHAT--

superman

↓

LOOK, I HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.

↓

I HAVE TO GET MY RÉSUMÉ READY.

ready

↓

GET YOUR RÉSUMÉ READY? FOR WHAT? FOR ANOTHER JOB WHERE THEY CAN JUST FIRE YOU FOR NO REASON?

another fire ready reason

↓

THAT'S RIGHT! IF I'M LUCKY!

lucky

↓

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT I'M TIRED OF BEING PUSHED AROUND. AREN'T YOU?

pushed tired

↓

YES, PETER! BUT I'M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL.

illegal peter

↓

ILLEGAL? SAMIR, THIS IS AMERICA!

america illegal

↓

COME ON. SIT DOWN.

↓

COME ON. THIS ISN'T RIYADH.

↓

THEY'RE NOT GONNA SAW YOUR HANDS OFF HERE, ALL RIGHT?

hands

↓

THE WORST THEY WOULD EVER DO IS, THEY WOULD PUT YOU, FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS,

couple months worst

↓

INTO A WHITE-COLLAR, MINIMUM-SECURITY RESORT.

collar minimum resort security white

↓

SHIT, WE SHOULD BE SO LUCKY!

lucky

↓

DO YOU KNOW THEY HAVE CONJUGAL VISITS THERE? REALLY?

visits

↓

YES. [ Michael ] SHIT.

michael

↓

I'M A FREE MAN, I HAVEN'T HAD A CONJUGAL VISIT IN SIX MONTHS.

free months visit

↓

- SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? - THIS THING IS ACTUALLY PRETTY FAIL-SAFE, SAMIR.

fail safe

↓

SAMIR...

↓

YOU CAME HERE LOOKING FOR A LAND OF OPPORTUNITY,

land looking opportunity

↓

AND THIS IS THE KNOCK OF THAT OPPORTUNITY.

knock opportunity

↓

TOMORROW'S YOUR LAST DAY AT INITECH.

tomorrows

↓

YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS: UNEMPLOYMENT OR EARLY RETIREMENT.

early options retirement unemployment

↓

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

↓

I HAVE A QUESTION. YES?

question

↓

IN-- IN THESE CONJUGAL VISITS, YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH WOMEN?

visits women

↓

YEP. YOU SURE CAN.

↓

OKAY, I'LL DO IT.

↓

- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN I TALK ABOUT AMER-- - PETER?

peter

↓

- HOW ABOUT WE DISCUSS THE PLAN? - OKAY, YEAH. GOOD. RIGHT.

discuss plan

↓

IT WORKS LIKE A COMPUTER VIRUS.

computer virus works

↓

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS LOAD IT INTO THE CREDIT UNION MAINFRAME, AND IT'LL DO THE REST.

credit itll load rest union

↓

OKAY. YOU GUYS GET ME THAT DISK, AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT FROM THERE.

care disk

↓

BUT LISTEN, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,

further

↓

WE HAVE TO SWEAR TO GOD, ALLAH...

swear

↓

THAT NOBODY KNOWS ABOUT THIS BUT US.

knows nobody nobody-knows

↓

ALL RIGHT? NO FAMILY MEMBERS, NO GIRLFRIENDS, NOBODY.

family family-members girlfriends members nobody

↓

OF COURSE. AGREED.

agreed course

↓

[ Lawrence ] DON'T WORRY, MAN! I WON'T TELL ANYONE EITHER!

lawrence worry

↓

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM. HE'S COOL. ALL RIGHT.

cool fuck worry

↓

HERE'S HOW I SEE IT ALL GOING DOWN.

↓

PETER, CONGRATULATIONS. THIS IS ONE HECK OF A PROMOTION.

congratulations heck peter promotion

↓

THANK YOU, BOB. WE'LL GET SOME PEOPLE UNDER YOU RIGHT AWAY.

↓

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

↓

♪♪ [ Rapper Chuckles ]

chuckles rapper

↓

[ Man ] ♪ IT MAKES ME WANNA CREEP ♪

creep makes

↓

♪ I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOUR MIND YOUR BODY AND YOUR SOUL ♪

body mind somethin soul

↓

♪ I GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YOUR MIND YOUR BODY AND YOUR SOUL ♪

body mind somethin soul

↓

♪ YEAH ♪

↓

♪ DAMN, I'M SUCH A "G" IT'S PATHETIC ♪

pathetic

↓

♪ HERE COMES THE BIG-HEADED NIGGA THAT'S DIPPIN' ♪

comes headed nigga

↓

♪ SIPPIN' ON COURVOISIER ♪

↓

♪ GODDAMN I MUST HAVE TO FLOSS TODAY ♪

floss goddamn must today

↓

♪ NOW, PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY BUT IT'S NECESSARY ♪

aint easy necessary

↓

♪ SO I'M CHASIN' BITCHES LIKE TOM CHASED JERRY ♪

bitches chased jerry

↓

♪ I PUT THE PEDAL TO THE "FLO-AH" ♪

pedal

↓

♪ IN MY TWO-TONED FORD EXPLORER ♪

ford

↓

♪ YOU KNOW HOW IT'S DONE ♪

↓

♪ SOUNDS BUMPIN' AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN' ♪

aint somethin sounds

↓

♪ JUMPED ON THE 110 ♪

jumped

↓

♪ SHE'S FLYIN' IN THE BLAZER ♪

blazer

↓

- [ Voice Slowed Down ] HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'? - ♪ LIKE "GO, SPEED RACER" ♪

goin racer slowed speed voice

↓

♪ BUT I AIN'T GON' CHASE HER LIKE RACER "X" ♪

aint chase racer

↓

♪ BUT I WON'T FLEX TILL IT'S TIME TO HAVE SEX ♪

till

↓

♪ SO WHEN YOU WANNA GET TOGETHER ♪

↓

♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW A NIGGA LIKE ME ♪

nigga

↓

♪ IS DOWN FOR WHATEVER ♪

↓

[ Cell Door Slams ] ♪ DAMN ♪

cell door door-slams slams

↓

[ Skipping ] ♪ YE-E-E-E-A-A-A-H ♪

skipping

↓

♪ YE-E-E-E-A-A-A-H ♪♪

↓

- WELL, THAT WAS EASY. - YEAH, I GUESS IT WAS.

easy

↓

- WHAT'D YOU DO WITH THE C-- - HEY, MAN.

whatd

↓

OH, HEY, DREW.

drew

↓

- YOU GUYS HEAR ABOUT TOM SMYKOWSKI? - WHAT, THAT HE GOT LAID OFF?

laid

↓

NO, MAN. CHECK IT OUT.

check

↓

[ Drew ] LAST WEEK, RIGHT AFTER HE FOUND OUT HE WAS GETTING LAID OFF,

drew found laid week

↓

HE GOES HOME AND TRIES TO KILL HIMSELF BY RUNNING THE CAR IN THE GARAGE.

garage home kill running tries

↓

[ Peter ] IS HE DEAD? [ Drew ] NO, MAN. CHECK IT OUT.

check dead drew peter

↓

THAT WIFE OF HIS COMES HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND CATCHES HIM.

catches comes comes-home early home home-early wife

↓

[ Coughs ] SO HE TRIES TO PLAY IT OFF LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

coughs happened tries

↓

I WAS [ Coughs ] HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH THE SHIFTER HERE.

coughs having shifter trouble

↓

IT'S JAMMED, AND I COULDN'T GET IT INTO DRIVE.

drive jammed

↓

- I-I-I MEAN, REVERSE. - YOU OKAY, TOM?

reverse

↓

[ Drew ] THEN, AS HE'S LOOKING AT HER, YEAH.

drew looking

↓

- HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO LIVE. [ Snickers ] - YEAH, I THINK I'M OKAY.

decides live snickers wants

↓

- RIGHT. - SEEMS TO BE WORKING NOW. [ Chuckling ]

chuckling seems working

↓

SEE YA LATER, HONEY!

honey

↓

LOVE YA!

love

↓

[ Drew ] BUT THEN, AS SOON AS HE BACKS OUT OF HIS DRIVEWAY--

backs drew driveway

↓

BAM! HE GETS SLAMMED BIG-TIME BY A DRUNK DRIVER!

driver drunk slammed

↓

IS HE OKAY? SORT OF.

↓

HE BROKE BOTH HIS WRISTS, LEGS, COUPLE OF RIBS, HIS BACK.

broke couple legs ribs

↓

BUT HE'S GONNA GET A HUGE SETTLEMENT OUT OF THIS, LIKE, SEVEN FIGURES.

figures huge settlement seven

↓

HE'S GETTING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW.

hospital tomorrow

↓

HE'S GONNA THROW A PARTY THIS WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE. WE'RE ALL INVITED.

celebrate invited party throw weekend

↓

I'M THINKIN' I MIGHT TAKE THAT NEW CHICK FROM LOGISTICS.

chick might thinkin

↓

THINGS GO WELL, I MIGHT BE SHOWIN' HER MY "O" FACE.

face might

↓

"OH! OH! OH!" YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

talkin

↓

"OH!" [ Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

YEAH. RIGHT. SEE YOU GUYS THERE.

↓

WOW. OUR LAST DAY AT INITECH.

↓

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY HAD SECURITY ESCORT US OUT.

believe escort security

↓

LIKE WE'RE GOING TO STEAL SOMETHING.

steal

↓

- I STOLE SOMETHING. - OH, YEAH. GUESS WE ALL DID.

stole

↓

NO, I STOLE SOMETHING ELSE.

stole

↓

WHAT DID YOU STEAL?

steal

↓

CALL IT A GOING-AWAY PRESENT.

present

↓

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

↓

[ Male Rapper ] ♪ KILL ♪

kill male rapper

↓

♪ KILL ♪ ♪ BACK UP IN YO' ASS WITH THE RESURRECTION ♪

kill resurrection

↓

♪ IS THE GROUP HARDER THAN AN ERECTION THAT SHOWS MORE AFFECTION ♪

affection erection group harder shows

↓

♪ THEY WANNA BAN US ON CAPITOL HILL ♪

capitol hill

↓

♪ 'CAUSE IT'S DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS, STILL ♪ ♪ STILL ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ ALL ALONG IT WAS THE GHETTO NOTHIN' BUT THE GHETTO ♪

along ghetto nothin

↓

♪ TAKIN' SHORT STEPS ONE FOOT AT A TIME ♪

foot short steps takin

↓

♪ AND KEPT MY HEAD LOW AND NEVER LET GO ♪

head

↓

♪ 'CAUSE IF I LET GO THEN I'D BE SPINELESS ♪

↓

♪ I'M GOIN' INSANE ♪ ♪ I THINK MY MIND JUST GOES OUT OF CONTROL ♪

control goin insane mind

↓

♪ YOU JUDGE ON SUBJECTS MOTHERFUCKERS READ ABOUT ♪

judge motherfuckers read subjects

↓

♪ I TOUCH ON THE SHIT THAT THEY BE LEAVIN' OUT ♪

touch

↓

♪ I SEEN THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S 9 SMOKIN', I SEEN IT ♪

motherfuckers seen

↓

♪ I BET YOU MOTHERFUCKERS WILL TOO ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ BECAUSE IT'S DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS STILL, FOOL ♪

fool motherfuckers

↓

♪ DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS STILL ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS STILL ♪ ♪ KILL ♪

kill motherfuckers

↓

♪ DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS, STILL ♪

motherfuckers

↓

♪ I-I-- I-I-- I THINK IT'S SOMETHIN' IN THE WATER, MAN ♪

somethin water

↓

♪ I-IT'S GOTTA BE IN THE WATER ♪

water

↓

♪ OH, FUCK ♪

fuck

↓

♪ CHUCK'S ON A KILLIN' SPREE AGAIN ♪

killin

↓

♪ WE GUILLOTINE FOR MEN ♪

↓

♪ I WALK AROUND TOWN WITH A FROWN ON MY FACE ♪

face frown town walk

↓

♪ FUCK THE WHOLE WORLD FIXIN' TO CATCH A MURDER CASE ♪

case catch fuck murder whole whole-world world

↓

♪ GONNA MURDER AND RAPE ♪

murder rape

↓

♪ MAY GET GREASY IF YOU CAUGHT UP IN THE WORLD WHILE IT'S DYIN' ♪

caught greasy world

↓

[ Continues On Stereo ] ♪ I GUARANTEE YOU FRYIN' YOU DYIN' ♪

continues guarantee stereo

↓

♪ ON THE VERGE OF KNOCKIN' MOTHERFUCKERS DOWN FOR NO REASON ♪

motherfuckers reason verge

↓

♪ ONCE I GET DOWN THERE'LL BE NO BREATHIN' ♪♪ [ Fades ]

fades therell

↓

[ Michael ] WHO'S GOT MY KEYS?

keys michael

↓

I'M DRIVING. NOT YOU. EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OKAY. ALL RIGHT?

driving

↓

PETER-- PETER-- OKAY? IT'S FUN, AND IT'S EXCITING.

exciting fun peter

↓

BE SERIOUS. I GOTTA GO. ALL RIGHT?

serious

↓

JOANNA'S COMING OVER. ALL RIGHT? DON'T WORRY.

coming worry

↓

YOU'RE WORRYING. ALL RIGHT?

worrying

↓

MONDAY MORNING WE'RE GONNA CHECK THE ACCOUNT BALANCE. EVERYTHING'LL BE OKAY.

account balance check monday morning

↓

DON'T MISS TOM'S BARBECUE. I'LL SEE YOU THERE. ALL RIGHT?

barbecue miss toms

↓

GOOD NIGHT. ♪ BACK UP IN YOUR ASS WITH THE RESURRECTION ♪

night resurrection

↓

HEY, WHAT WERE YOU GUYS CELEBRATING LAST NIGHT?

celebrating night

↓

UH... I'M NOT REALLY AT LIBERTY TO TALK ABOUT IT.

liberty

↓

I REALLY CAN'T.

↓

ALL RIGHT, SO WHEN THE SUBROUTINE COMPOUNDS THE INTEREST,

interest

↓

IT USES ALL THESE EXTRA DECIMAL PLACES THAT JUST GET ROUNDED OFF.

extra places rounded uses

↓

SO WE SIMPLIFIED THE WHOLE THING...

whole

↓

AND WE JUST-- WE ROUND 'EM ALL DOWN AND DROP THE REMAINDER...

drop round

↓

INTO AN ACCOUNT THAT WE OPENED.

account opened

↓

SO, YOU'RE STEALING.

stealing

↓

UH, NO. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

↓

IT'S, UH-- IT'S VERY COMPLICATED.

complicated

↓

IT'S, UH-- IT'S AGGREGATE, SO I'M TALKING ABOUT FRACTIONS OF A PENNY HERE.

penny

↓

AND, UH, OVER TIME THEY ADD UP TO A LOT.

↓

OH, OKAY. SO, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE A LOT OF MONEY, RIGHT?

money

↓

YEAH. RIGHT? THAT'S NOT YOURS?

↓

- UH, WELL, IT BECOMES OURS. - HOW IS THAT NOT STEALING?

becomes stealing

↓

I DON'T THINK, UH-- I DON'T THINK THAT I'M EXPLAINING THIS VERY WELL.

explaining

↓

UM, THE 7-ELEVEN, RIGHT? MM-HMM.

eleven

↓

YOU'D TAKE A PENNY FROM THE TRAY.

penny tray

↓

FROM THE CRIPPLED CHILDREN? NO, THAT'S THE JAR. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE TRAY.

children crippled tray

↓

THE-- YOU KNOW, THE PENNIES FOR EVERYBODY.

everybody pennies

↓

OH. FOR EVERYBOD-- OKAY.

↓

YEAH, WELL, THOSE ARE WHOLE PENNIES. ALL RIGHT?

pennies whole

↓

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT FRACTIONS OF A PENNY HERE.

penny

↓

BUT WE DO IT FROM A MUCH BIGGER TRAY A COUPLE OF MILLION TIMES.

bigger couple million million-times times tray

↓

SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

↓

I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS WRONG. IT'S NOT WRONG.

seems

↓

INITECH IS WRONG. INITECH IS AN EVIL CORPORATION.

corporation evil

↓

CHOTCHKIE'S IS WRONG.

↓

DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING AND PUT ON PIECES OF FLAIR?

bother morning pieces

↓

YEAH, BUT I'M NOT ABOUT TO GO IN AND START TAKING MONEY FROM THE REGISTER.

money register start

↓

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

↓

YOU KNOW, THE NAZIS HAD PIECES OF FLAIR THAT THEY MADE THE JEWS WEAR.

jews nazis pieces wear

↓

WHAT?

↓

LOOK, WE DON'T-- I-I--

↓

WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW.

↓

LET'S JUST GO TO THE BARBECUE. OKAY.

barbecue

↓

MICHAEL! SAMIR! HOW YOU DOIN'?

doin michael

↓

HEY, TOM. HELLO, TOM.

↓

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY LAWYER, ROB NEWHOUSE.

lawyer meet

↓

ROB, MICHAEL, SAMIR. HOW YOU DOING?

michael

↓

PETER! HOW ARE YOU? I'M GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

glad peter

↓

TOM, HI. THIS IS SOMEBODY I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.

meet somebody

↓

- THIS IS JOANNA. - HI. FORGIVE ME FOR NOT GETTING UP.

forgive joanna

↓

- [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

[ Groaning ]

groaning

↓

UH-- UH, PETER, COME HERE A MINUTE. I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

minute peter

↓

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK? IT'S A PROTOTYPE.

prototype

↓

[ Peter ] HUH! THAT'S EXACTLY AS YOU DESCRIBED IT.

described peter

↓

[ Chuckles ]

chuckles

↓

UH, LISTEN, I HEARD ABOUT YOUR SETTLEMENT.

heard settlement

↓

CONGRATULATIONS. WELL, THANKS, PETER.

congratulations peter thanks

↓

YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU.

glad wanted

↓

I KNOW HOW YOU GET DEPRESSED ABOUT YOUR JOB AND ALL.

depressed

↓

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I USED TO BE THE SAME WAY.

used wanted

↓

REALLY? SURE!

↓

MAYBE I DIDN'T WHINE AS MUCH, BUT I BET I HATED MY JOB EVEN MORE THAN YOU.

hated whine

↓

AND I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

years

↓

- WOW. - JUST REMEMBER.

remember

↓

IF YOU HANG IN THERE LONG ENOUGH,

hang

↓

GOOD THINGS CAN HAPPEN IN THIS WORLD.

happen world

↓

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME. [ Chuckling ]

chuckling

↓

THANKS, TOM.

thanks

↓

OH, SURE.

↓

[ Chattering ]

chattering

↓

CONJUGAL VISITS? NOT THAT I KNOW OF.

visits

↓

A MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON IS NO PICNIC.

minimum picnic prison security

↓

I HAVE A CLIENT IN THERE RIGHT NOW.

client

↓

HE SAYS, THE TRICK IS, KICK SOMEONE'S ASS THE FIRST DAY,

kick someones trick

↓

OR BECOME SOMEONE'S BITCH.

become bitch someones

↓

THEN EVERYTHING'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

↓

WHY DO YOU ASK, ANYWAY?

↓

OH, NO, WE WERE JUST-- SORRY. SORRY.

↓

[ Nervous Chuckle ]

chuckle nervous

↓

HEY, PETER. DREW.

drew peter

↓

THAT'S SOMETHIN' ABOUT OL' SMYKOWSKI, HUH?

somethin

↓

YEAH. LUCKY BASTARD.

bastard lucky

↓

HEY, ISN'T THAT THE GIRL THAT WORKS OVER AT CHOTCHKIE'S?

girl works

↓

YEAH.

↓

WHO'S SHE HERE WITH?

↓

SHE'S WITH ME.

↓

REALLY? YEAH.

↓

ALL RIGHT, PETER. OOH! OOH!

peter

↓

RIGHT ON. [ Chuckling ]

chuckling

↓

MAKE SURE YOU WEAR A RUBBER, DUDE.

rubber wear

↓

WHY IS THAT, DREW?

drew

↓

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SHE GETS AROUND.

kidding

↓

[ Chuckles ] ALL RIGHT?

chuckles

↓

SHE DOES, DOES SHE?

↓

OH, YEAH, LIKE A RECORD. [ Laughs ]

laughs record

↓

LIKE, WITH WHO?

↓

OH, LET'S SEE, UH-- [ Scoffs ]

scoffs

↓

HELL, LUMBERGH FUCKED HER. [ Snickering ]

fucked snickering

↓

LET ME SEE WHO ELSE.

↓

UH, DICK RENNIE...

dick

↓

LUMBERGH? ERIC LOUIS--

eric louis

↓

SO, WHAT IF-- OH. WHAT IF YOU GET CAUGHT?

caught

↓

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

idea

↓

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU TO SLEEP WITH LUMBERGH.

idea sleep

↓

WHAT?

↓

WHAT ARE YOU--

↓

OH, RIGHT. LUMBERGH.

↓

AAH!

↓

OH... GOD. LUMBERGH.

↓

PETER, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

peter

↓

THAT WAS, LIKE, TWO YEARS AGO. WHAT, DID YOU KNOW HIM?

years

↓

YEAH, I KNOW HIM. I KNOW HIM. HE'S MY BOSS.

boss

↓

HE'S MY UNHOLY, DISGUSTING PIG OF A BOSS!

boss disgusting unholy

↓

OH, HE'S NOT THAT DISGUSTING.

disgusting

↓

HE REPRESENTS ALL THAT IS SOULLESS AND WRONG!

represents soulless

↓

- AND YOU SLEPT WITH HIM. - HEY!

slept

↓

THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. OKAY?

business

↓

I DIDN'T ASK YOU WHO YOU SLEPT WITH BEFORE WE WERE TOGETHER.

slept

↓

I DON'T CARE. WELL, I DIDN'T THINK YOU SLEPT WITH GUYS LIKE LUMBERGH!

care slept

↓

LISTEN TO YOU.

↓

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME.

dare judge

↓

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF ANGEL HERE?

angel

↓

NO, YOU'RE JUST THIS PENNY-STEALING,

penny stealing

↓

WANNABE CRIMINAL... M-MAN.

criminal

↓

YEAH, WELL, THAT MAY BE,

↓

BUT AT LEAST I NEVER SLEPT WITH LUMBERGH.

least slept

↓

OKAY, THAT'S-- I'M DONE. I WANNA GET OUT OF THE CAR.

↓

FINE. STOP!

↓

JUST CALL ME WHEN YOU GROW UP.

grow

↓

YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. SO JUST DON'T CALL ME.

happen

↓

SAY HELLO TO LUMBERGH FOR ME!

↓

HELL, LUMBERGH FUCKED HER.

fucked

↓

LUMBERGH FUCKED HER.

fucked

↓

LUMBERGH... FUCKED HER.

fucked

↓

THAT'S GREAT.

↓

I MEAN, SHE WAS SEEIN' THE "O" FACE, FOR SURE!

face

↓

OH! OH! OH!

↓

SEXY. OOH. OOH! OOH!

sexy

↓

IF YOU COULD GO AHEAD AND JUST MOVE A LITTLE BIT TO THE LEF-- THAT'S IT.

ahead go-ahead

↓

GREAT. [ Inhales ]

inhales

↓

PETER! WHAT'S HAPPENING?

peter

↓

UM, COULD YOU GET ME THOSE T.P.S. REPORTS ASAP? MM-KAY?

asap reports

↓

[ Gasps ]

gasps

↓

[ Sighs, Panting ]

panting sighs

↓

JOANNA. YEAH?

joanna

↓

WE NEED TO TALK.

↓

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

↓

[ Sighs ] MY, UH... FLAIR?

sighs

↓

YEAH.

↓

OR, UH, YOUR LACK OF FLAIR.

lack

↓

BECAUSE, UH, I'M COUNTING AND I ONLY SEE 15 PIECES.

counting pieces

↓

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, JOANNA.

joanna question

↓

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF A PERSON...

person

↓

WHO ONLY DOES THE BARE MINIMUM?

bare minimum

↓

HUH. WHAT DO I THI-- UH, YOU KNOW WHAT, STAN?

stan

↓

[ Sighs ] IF YOU WANT ME TO WEAR 37 PIECES OF FLAIR...

pieces sighs wear

↓

LIKE YOUR PRETTY BOY OVER THERE, BRIAN,

brian

↓

WHY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE THE MINIMUM 37 PIECES OF FLAIR?

minimum pieces

↓

WELL, I THOUGHT I REMEMBERED YOU SAYING THAT YOU WANTED TO EXPRESS YOURSELF.

express remembered wanted

↓

YEAH. YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH, I DO.

↓

I DO WANNA EXPRESS MYSELF. OKAY? AND I DON'T NEED 37 PIECES OF FLAIR TO DO IT.

express pieces

↓

ALL RIGHT?

↓

THERE'S MY FLAIR. OKAY?

↓

AND THIS IS ME EXPRESSING MYSELF.

expressing

↓

OKAY?

↓

THERE IT IS.

↓

I HATE THIS JOB. I HATE THIS GODDAMN JOB, AND I DON'T NEED IT!

goddamn hate

↓

[ Beeping ]

beeping

↓

OH, SHIT.

↓

SHIT! SHIT! OH, SHIT.

↓

SON OF A BITCH! SHIT!

bitch

↓

THIS IS A-- FUCK! I-- I-- SON OF A BITCH!

bitch fuck

↓

SHIT! WHAT HAPPENED?

happened

↓

YOU TELL ME, MICHAEL! IT'S YOUR SOFTWARE! YES! IT'S YOUR SOFTWARE!

michael software

↓

CORPORATE ACCOUNTING IS SURE AS HELL GONNA NOTICE $305,3--

accounting corporate notice

↓

26.13, MICHAEL!

michael

↓

OH, SHIT!

↓

THEY PROBABLY WON'T KNOW IT'S GONE FOR ANOTHER THREE OR FOUR DAYS.

another days four four-days gone three

↓

MICHAEL, YOU SAID THE THING WAS GONNA TAKE TWO YEARS!

michael years

↓

WHAT HAPPENED? YOU SAID THE THING WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK!

happened supposed

↓

- TECHNICALLY, IT DID WORK. - NO, IT DIDN'T!

technically

↓

IT DID NOT WORK, MICHAEL! OKAY?

michael

↓

OKAY, OKAY! OKAY. OKAY.

↓

I MUST'VE PUT A DECIMAL POINT IN THE WRONG PLACE OR SOMETHING.

mustve place point

↓

SHIT, I ALWAYS DO THAT. I ALWAYS MESS UP SOME MUNDANE DETAIL.

detail mess

↓

OH! WELL, THIS IS NOT A MUNDANE DETAIL, MICHAEL!

detail michael

↓

HEY, QUIT GETTING PISSED AT ME.

pissed quit

↓

THIS WAS ALL YOUR IDEA, ASSHOLE.

asshole idea

↓

ALL RIGHT. OKAY. LET'S TRY NOT TO GET PISSED OFF AT EACH OTHER.

pissed

↓

LET'S JUST TRY TO FIGURE THIS THING OUT TOGETHER.

figure

↓

THE FIRST THING WE GOTTA DO IS CLOSE THAT ACCOUNT BEFORE IT GETS ANY BIGGER.

account bigger close

↓

[ Singing Unenthusiastically ] ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

birthday happy happy-birthday singing

↓

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

birthday happy happy-birthday

↓

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

birthday happy happy-birthday

↓

♪ MR. LUMBERGH ♪

↓

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪♪

birthday happy happy-birthday

↓

[ Lumbergh ] DOESN'T THAT LOOK TERRIFIC.

terrific

↓

MMM!

↓

HERE, PEG. YOU WANNA GET EVERYBODY STARTED THERE?

everybody started

↓

MMM! OH, THAT IS TERRIFIC.

terrific

↓

JUST TERRIFIC. THANKS, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU.

everybody terrific thanks

↓

REALLY. I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT. IT'S VERY SPECIAL.

appreciate special

↓

NOW, MILTON! DON'T BE GREEDY!

greedy

↓

LET'S PASS IT ALONG AND MAKE SURE EVERYONE GETS A PIECE.

along pass piece

↓

'KAY, BUT LAST TIME I DIDN'T RECEIVE A PIECE, AND I WAS TOLD THAT--

piece receive

↓

- JUST PASS. - OKAY.

pass

↓

BUT THIS-- THIS-- IF-- THERE-- THERE--

↓

I JUST-- SEE, THE CAKE--

cake

↓

THERE'S LOTS OF CAKE, BUT THERE'S--

cake lots

↓

THE RATIO OF PEOPLE TO CAKE IS--

cake ratio

↓

[ Milton Muttering ]

muttering

↓

ALL I WANT IS A PIECE OF CAKE--

cake piece

↓

I THINK THERE'S-- THERE'S A PIECE OF--

piece

↓

[ Muttering ] I COULD SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE.

building fire muttering

↓

I-IS THERE SOME WAY TO JUST GIVE THE MONEY BACK?

money

↓

WHAT, DO YOU MEAN JUST HAND THEM A CHECK FOR THE EXACT AMOUNT THEY'RE MISSING?

amount check exact hand missing

↓

I THINK THEY'D FIGURE THAT OUT.

figure theyd

↓

WELL, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

↓

MAYBE WE COULD LAUNDER THE MONEY.

money

↓

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

idea

↓

- OKAY, HOW DO WE DO THAT? - I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW.

↓

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. I WAS HOPING YOU KNEW.

hoping

↓

I THINK COKE DEALERS DO IT. ALL RIGHT, DO WE KNOW ANY COKE DEALERS?

coke dealers

↓

M-MY COUSIN'S A COKEHEAD.

cousins

↓

FUCK. WE'RE IN DEEP SHIT.

deep fuck

↓

YES, WE ARE IN VERY DEEP SHIT.

deep

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

MILTON.

↓

YES? WHAT'S HAPPENING?

↓

I WANTED TO SEE YOU-- SAY, MILTON, YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE GREAT?

wanted whatd

↓

WH-- NO.

↓

SINCE YOU'RE DOWN HERE, IT WOULD BE REALLY GREAT IF YOU COULD JUST SORT OF...

↓

TAKE CARE OF THE COCKROACH PROBLEM WE'VE BEEN HAVING IN HERE.

care having problem

↓

NO, THAT'S REALLY NOT MY JOB, AND I-- I HAVEN'T RECEIVED MY PAYCHECK--

paycheck received

↓

SO, FOR NOW WHY DON'T YOU GET YOURSELF A FLASHLIGHT...

flashlight

↓

AND A CAN OF PESTICIDE AND CRAWL BACK--

crawl

↓

BILL? WE NEED YOU UPSTAIRS RIGHT AWAY.

bill upstairs

↓

WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM. BIG.

problem

↓

SOME MAJOR GLITCH IN ACCOUNTING.

accounting glitch major

↓

A LOT OF MONEY MISSING. HMM.

missing money

↓

WE'VE GOT AN INVESTIGATOR HERE.

↓

EXCUSE ME? [ Footsteps Ascending Stairs ]

excuse footsteps stairs

↓

EXCUSE ME! [ Door Slams ]

door door-slams excuse slams

↓

WELL... OKAY, BUT... THAT'S THE LAST STRAW.

straw

↓

HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

↓

UH, "LAUNDER."

↓

"TO CLEAN--" NO. "WASH."

clean wash

↓

HERE IT IS: "TO CONCEAL THE SOURCE OF MONEY...

money source

↓

AS BY CHANNELING IT THROUGH AN INTERMEDIARY."

↓

"TO CONCEAL A SOURCE OF MONEY--"

money source

↓

THAT DOESN'T REALLY HELP US, MICHAEL.

michael

↓

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT NERDS WE ARE,

believe nerds

↓

LOOKING UP MONEY LAUNDERING IN A DICTIONARY.

dictionary looking money

↓

YEAH, WELL...

↓

YOU GUYS CAN BOTH EAT MY ASS.

↓

I CAN'T BELIEVE JOANNA SLEPT WITH LUMBERGH. THAT'S WHAT I CAN'T BELIEVE.

believe joanna slept

↓

- YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT? - YEAH. YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?

↓

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, BEFORE HE MOVED TO ATLANTA.

atlanta couple moved years

↓

YOU MEAN RON LUMBERGH, THE INITRODE GUY? THE YOUNG GUY?

young

↓

YEAH. WHO'D YOU THINK I MEANT? BILL? [ Snickers ]

bill meant snickers whod

↓

- [ Snickering ] - [ Laughing ]

laughing snickering

↓

FUCKIN'-- THEIR CHILDREN WOULD HAVE HOOVES.

children fuckin

↓

[ Laughing Continues ]

continues laughing laughing-continues

↓

RON'S NOT RELATED TO BILL, IS HE? [ Knocking ]

bill knocking related

↓

WHO'S THAT?

↓

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY PANIC. PROBABLY JUST LAWRENCE.

lawrence nobody panic

↓

[ Haltingly ] GOOD EVENING. MY NAME IS STEVE. I COME FROM A ROUGH AREA.

area evening name rough steve

↓

I USED TO BE ADDICTED TO CRACK, BUT NOW I'M OFF AND TRYING TO STAY CLEAN.

addicted clean crack used

↓

OKAY. THAT IS WHY I AM SELLING MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS.

magazine selling

↓

NO. W-W-WAIT A MINUTE.

minute

↓

YOU USED TO BE ADDICTED TO CRACK?

addicted crack used

↓

YEAH, B--

↓

UM, W--

↓

LOOK, I'M VERY SORRY.

↓

I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANY MONEY LAUNDERING.

money

↓

NO, WE'RE NOT ASKING YOU ABOUT MONEY LAUNDERING.

asking money

↓

WE NEED YOU TO HOOK US UP WITH-- MICHAEL, HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYBODY.

anybody hook michael

↓

NO, WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE. LOOK.

minute

↓

YOU JUST GIVE US THE NAME OF ONE DRUG DEALER. I COULD TALK TO HIM.

dealer drug drug-dealer name

↓

I HAVE GOOD NETWORKING SKILL-- [ Normal Voice ] I LIED.

lied normal normal-voice skill voice

↓

ALL THAT STUFF I SAID ABOUT BEING A CRACKHEAD JUST HELPS ME SELL MAGAZINES.

crackhead helps magazines sell stuff

↓

I'M ACTUALLY AN UNEMPLOYED SOFTWARE ENGINEER.

engineer software unemployed

↓

- YOU'RE A SOFTWARE ENGINEER? - YEP.

engineer software

↓

THINGS, UH, MUST BE VERY ROUGH FOR YOU.

must rough

↓

ACTUALLY, MAN, I MAKE MORE MONEY SELLING MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS...

magazine money selling

↓

THAN I EVER DID AT INITRODE.

↓

AT INITRODE?

↓

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS STUFF WE TOLD YOU.

anybody minute stuff

↓

I MEAN, WE KNOW A LOT OF THE SAME PEOPLE. THAT'S--

↓

[ Clears Throat ] ACTUALLY, UM, THAT ALL DEPENDS.

clears clears-throat depends throat

↓

WH--

↓

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH 40 SUBSCRIPTIONS TO VIBE?

vibe

↓

WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS. WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

thinking

↓

YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT?

figure

↓

HOW IS IT THAT ALL THESE STUPID, NEANDERTHAL MAFIA GUYS CAN BE SO GOOD AT CRIME...

crime mafia stupid

↓

AND SMART GUYS LIKE US CAN SUCK SO BADLY AT IT?

badly smart suck

↓

WE'RE NEW TO IT, THOUGH.

↓

IF WE HAD MORE EXPERIENCE--

experience

↓

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK WE'RE SCREWED.

screwed

↓

THERE'S ENOUGH EVIDENCE ALL OVER THAT BUILDING TO LINK US TO THIS.

building evidence link

↓

EVEN IF WE COULD LAUNDER MONEY, I WOULDN'T WANT TO. WHAT WE'VE DONE IS BAD ENOUGH.

money

↓

WE GET CAUGHT LAUNDERING MONEY, WE'RE NOT GOING TO WHITE-COLLAR RESORT PRISON.

caught collar money prison resort white

↓

NO, NO, NO, WE'RE GOING TO FEDERAL POUND-ME-IN-THE-ASS PRISON.

federal pound prison

↓

I-I-I DON'T WANT TO GO TO ANY PRISON!

prison

↓

WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS?

↓

I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

life whole whole-life

↓

WE WEREN'T THINKING CLEARLY BECAUSE YOU TOLD US WE WERE LOSING OUR JOBS.

jobs losing thinking

↓

AND NOW WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT GOING IN A PRISON.

prison worried

↓

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.

worry

↓

[ Scoffs ]

scoffs

↓

I'M GOING HOME. ME TOO.

home

↓

YOU ARE A VERY BAD PERSON, PETER.

person peter

↓

[ Door Opens ]

door door-opens opens

↓

[ Door Closes ]

closes door door-closes

↓

LAWRENCE, YOU AWAKE?

awake lawrence

↓

YEAH.

↓

YOU WANNA COME OVER?

↓

NO, THANKS, MAN. I DON'T WANT YOU FUCKIN' UP MY LIFE TOO.

fuckin life thanks

↓

GODDAMN.

goddamn

↓

AND IN LIGHT OF THE SENSELESSNESS OF THESE HEINOUS CRIMES...

crimes heinous light

↓

THAT YOU HAVE COMMITTED AGAINST INITECH,

committed

↓

I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU, MICHAEL BOLTON...

hereby michael sentence

↓

AND SAMIR NAAN--

↓

NANADAJIBAD...

↓

TO A TERM OF NO LESS THAN FOUR YEARS...

four four-years less term years

↓

IN A FEDERAL POUND-ME-IN-THE-ASS PRISON.

federal pound prison

↓

[ Sniffling, Sobbing ]

sobbing

↓

PETER GIBBONS,

peter

↓

YOU'VE LED A TRITE AND MEANINGLESS LIFE.

life meaningless

↓

AND YOU'RE A VERY BAD PERSON.

person

↓

[ Gavel Bangs, Reverberates ]

bangs gavel

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

HEY.

↓

YOU'RE NOT WORKING AT CHOTCHKIE'S ANYMORE, HUH?

anymore working

↓

NO. NO, I GOT FIRED.

fired

↓

WHAT HAPPENED?

happened

↓

I FLIPPED OFF MY BOSS,

boss flipped

↓

SOME CUSTOMERS--

customers

↓

ACTUALLY, A LINE COOK, BUT HE JUST HAPPENED TO BE STANDING THERE, SO--

cook happened line standing

↓

I MIGHT BE GOING AWAY FOR A WHILE,

might

↓

UH, TO JAIL.

jail

↓

YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THAT COMPUTER SCAM. THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

computer idea scam

↓

I'M GONNA TAKE THE BLAME FOR IT, I DECIDED.

blame decided

↓

I'M ON MY WAY NOW TO RETURN THE MONEY AND LEAVE A CONFESSION...

confession money return

↓

UNDER LUMBERGH'S DOOR.

door

↓

JOANNA, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

apologize joanna

↓

I HAD NO RIGHT TO GET PISSED OFF AT YOU ABOUT LUMBERGH. LUMBERGH IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

pissed problem

↓

WASN'T EVEN THE RIGHT LUMBERGH.

↓

I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAN'T JUST GO TO WORK AND BE HAPPY...

happy

↓

LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

everybody supposed

↓

PETER, MOST PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THEIR JOBS.

jobs peter

↓

BUT YOU GO OUT THERE AND YOU FIND SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.

happy makes

↓

YEAH, WELL...

↓

I MAY NEVER BE HAPPY AT MY JOB,

happy

↓

BUT I THINK THAT IF I COULD BE WITH YOU,

↓

THAT I COULD BE HAPPY WITH MY LIFE.

happy life

↓

I'VE BEEN A REAL ASSHOLE.

asshole real

↓

BUT IF YOU COULD GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT, I PROMISE--

another another-shot promise shot

↓

OKAY, SHUT UP.

↓

WHOA! HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

whoa

↓

GET A ROOM, YOU TWO! [ Cackles ]

cackles room

↓

NYAH-NYAH-NYAH! [ Laughing ]

laughing

↓

I HATE THAT GUY.

hate

↓

[ Sighs ]

sighs

↓

THEN MR. LUMBERGH TOLD ME TO TALK TO PAYROLL,

payroll

↓

AND THEN PAYROLL TOLD ME TO TALK TO MR. LUMBERGH.

payroll

↓

I STILL HAVEN'T RECEIVED MY PAYCHECK, AND HE TOOK MY STAPLER.

paycheck received stapler

↓

HE NEVER BROUGHT IT BACK.

brought

↓

THEN THEY MOVED BY DESK TO STORAGE ROOM "B" AND THERE WAS GARBAGE ON IT--

desk garbage moved room storage storage-room

↓

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK DOWN AND SIT AT YOUR DESK.

desk

↓

-MR. LUMBERGH SHOULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE. -I WANT TO TALK TO MR. LUMBERGH.

minute

↓

JUST GO SIT AT YOUR DESK. OKAY?

desk

↓

OKAY, BUT I-- I-- I'M GONNA JUST--

↓

I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, MY DESK IS LOCATED IN THE BASEMENT.

basement desk located telling

↓

I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS.

↓

[ Milton Continues Muttering ] [ Door Closes ]

closes continues door door-closes muttering

↓

I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO TAKE MY STAPLER BACK.

stapler

↓

BECAUSE IT'S MY STAPLER, AND I TOLD MR.-- IT'S MY-- IT'S--

stapler

↓

IT'S MY STAPLER. IT'S A SWINGLINE.

stapler

↓

I'VE BEEN USING IT FOR A LONG TIME.

using

↓

[ Continues Muttering ] IT DOESN'T BIND UP--

continues muttering

↓

LAWRENCE. YOU IN THERE?

lawrence

↓

WHOA. HEY, PETER, MAN.

peter whoa

↓

HEY.

↓

SO, I MIGHT BE GOING AWAY FOR A WHILE. YEAH, I KNOW, MAN.

might

↓

IT'S A BUMMER, DUDE. WHAT CAN I SAY?

bummer

↓

YEAH. UH--

↓

WELL, TIME TO GO FACE THE MUSIC.

face music

↓

YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF IF I DON'T SEE YOU. ALL RIGHT?

care

↓

YOU TOO, MAN. TAKE 'ER EASY, BUD. ALL RIGHT.

easy

↓

ALL RIGHT.

↓

- HEY, PETER. - YEAH?

peter

↓

WATCH OUT FOR YOUR CORNHOLE, BUD.

watch

↓

OKAY, LAWRENCE.

lawrence

↓

[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]

distance siren siren-wailing wailing

↓

[ Radio: Dispatcher, Indistinct ] [ Chattering, Murmuring ]

chattering dispatcher indistinct murmuring radio

↓

[ Fireman ] STAY CLEAR, NOW! STAY CLEAR!

clear fireman

↓

HOLY SHIT!

holy

↓

EXCUSE ME.

excuse

↓

[ Milton Muttering ]

muttering

↓

AND, UH-- I MEAN, CAN I-- I WAS HERE FIRST. I HAVE TO--

↓

OH, GOSH.

gosh

↓

WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

minute

↓

YOU DON'T WANT THAT, PETER, MAN. THAT'S TOASTED, MAN.

peter toasted

↓

I THINK I KNOW SOMEONE WHO MIGHT WANT THIS.

might

↓

♪♪ [ Car Stereo: Rap ]

stereo

↓

[ Horn Honks ]

honks horn horn-honks

↓

HEY, MAN!

↓

WANNA GO TO LUNCH?

lunch

↓

BROUGHT MINE IN A PAIL.

brought pail

↓

PLUS, JOANNA'S SUPPOSED TO COME BY A LITTLE LATER.

plus supposed

↓

SO, HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR NEW JOB?

↓

NOT TOO BAD. NOT TOO BAD.

↓

HOW'S, UH, PENETRODE?

↓

INTERTRODE. INTERTRODE.

↓

THEY'RE ALL RIGHT. IT'S WORK.

↓

YEAH. YEAH.

↓

PROBABLY GET YOU A JOB THERE IF YOU WANT.

↓

NO, THANKS. I, UH-- I'M DOING GOOD HERE.

thanks

↓

SO, UH...

↓

WE'RE GONNA BE OKAY, RIGHT?

↓

YEAH.

↓

I THINK THE FIRE PRETTY MUCH TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING.

care fire

↓

I WONDER IF THE MONEY BURNED UP.

burned money wonder

↓

IT WOULD BE A SHAME.

shame

↓

- YEAH. - SO YOU'RE SURE YOU DON'T WANT US TO GET YOU A JOB?

↓

THAT'S ONE THING I'M DEFINITELY SURE OF.

↓

OKAY. ALL RIGHT, CHIEF.

chief

↓

YOU GUYS TAKE CARE. ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.

care

↓

STAY IN TOUCH, MAN.

touch

↓

OKAY. WILL DO.

↓

THIS ISN'T SO BAD, HUH?

↓

MAKING BUCKS, GETTING EXERCISE,

bucks exercise

↓

WORKING OUTSIDE.

working

↓

FUCKIN'-A.

fuckin

↓

FUCKIN'-A.

fuckin

↓

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, SEÑOR.

excuse

↓

MAY I SPEAK TO YOU, PLEASE?

speak

↓

I ASKED FOR A MAI TAI, AND THEY BROUGHT ME A PIÑA COLADA.

asked brought

↓

AND I SAID NO SALT-- NO SALT FOR THE MARGARITA, BUT IT HAD SALT ON IT.

margarita salt

↓

LO SIENTO MUCHO, SEÑOR. [ Muttering ] PINCHE GRINGO.

muttering

↓

IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN, I WON'T BE LEAVING A TIP.

happens leaving

↓

'CAUSE I COULD-- I COULD SHUT THIS WHOLE RESORT DOWN.

resort whole

↓

SIR?

↓

I COULD TAKE MY TRAVELER'S CHECKS TO A COMPETING RESORT.

checks competing resort travelers

↓

I COULD WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR BOARD OF TOURISM,

board letter write

↓

AND I COULD HAVE THIS PLACE CONDEMNED.

place

↓

I COULD PUT-- I COULD PUT STRYCHNINE IN THE GUACAMOLE.

↓

THERE WAS SALT ON THE GLASS. BIG GRAINS OF SALT.

glass salt

↓

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

↓

[ Man Vocalizing, Echoing ]

echoing vocalizing

↓

GIVE HER A RIDE ON THE OLD BONE ROLLER COASTER.

bone coaster ride roller roller-coaster

↓

AAAAH! [ Chuckles, Whistles ] [ Lumbergh ] MMM!

aaaah chuckles whistles

↓

YEAH.

↓

[ Man Rapping ] ♪ YO, 6:00 EVERY MORNING ♪

morning rapping

↓

♪ YOU WAKIN' UP YAWNIN' TO THE SOUND OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK ALARMIN' ♪

alarm alarm-clock clock sound

↓

♪ ABOUT AN HOUR FROM NOW YOU SHOULD BE AT YOUR PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT ♪

hour place

↓

♪ WHICH IS ANNOYIN' 'CAUSE IT'S SO BORIN' YOUR COWORKERS BEEN TALKIN' ♪

talkin

↓

HEY, DON'T COME BACK IN A DRESS, MAN!

dress

↓

[ Chuckles ] YOU BIG FAG!

chuckles

↓

♪ YOU WONDER WHY YOUR WORKLOAD IS SO ENORMOUS ♪

enormous wonder

↓

♪ 'CAUSE YOUR BOSS JUST LAID OFF THREE-QUARTERS OF THE WHOLE OFFICE ♪

boss laid office quarters three whole

↓

♪ PEOPLE GET DEPRESSED THEY GET ULCERS ♪

depressed

↓

♪ FROM THE STRESS THAT THE CORPORATE ENVIRONMENT CAUSES ♪

causes corporate environment stress

↓

♪ REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU ULTIMATELY WANNA SOLVE THIS ♪

regardless solve ultimately

↓

♪ SEEMS TO ME LIKE YOU GOT ONE OF FOUR CHOICES ♪

choices four seems

↓

♪ YOU COULD TAKE A NEW JOB OFFER FOR MORE TIPS ♪

offer tips

↓

♪ STICK IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER OR FORFEIT ♪

forfeit longer stick

↓

♪ BUT MY ADVICE TO ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO QUIT ♪

advice anybody quit wants

↓

I'M WORKING AT HOOTERS NOW, AND IT'S VERY COOL.

cool working

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪

aint workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB TAKE THIS JOB ♪

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪ ♪ YO ♪

shove

↓

♪ IF YOUR BOSS IS AN S.O.B. ♪

boss

↓

♪ TELL HIM TO S-H-O-V-E THE J-O-B ♪

↓

♪ PUT YOUR MIDDLE FINGER UP SLOWLY ♪

finger middle slowly

↓

♪ PUT IT CLOSE AND UP TO HIS FACE SO HE CAN EXAMINE IT CLOSELY ♪

close closely examine face

↓

♪ SAY "I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪

aint workin

↓

♪ WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" ♪

↓

♪ RIP THE APRON OFF THROW IT ON THE FLOOR ♪

apron floor throw

↓

♪ RUN TO THE DOOR TO THE PAY PHONE MAKE A TOLL-FREE CALL ♪

door free phone toll

↓

♪ TELL YOUR SPOUSE WHAT HAPPENED AND WHERE YOU ARE ♪

happened spouse

↓

♪ SO THEY CAN COME TO GET YOU IN THE CAR LATER ON ♪

↓

♪ AND HELP YOU SEARCH FOR A NEW 9:00-TO-5:00 JOB ♪

search

↓

♪ IF THE UNEMPLOYMENT LINE AIN'T THAT LONG ♪

aint line unemployment

↓

♪ YOU CAN TAKE YOUR TIME FILLIN' OUT W-9 FORMS ♪

forms

↓

♪ EVENTUALLY YOU'LL GET ON IF YOU TRY HARD ENOUGH ♪

eventually hard

↓

♪ AND YOU'LL GET MONEY IF YOU KEEP PUNCHIN' YOUR TIME CARD ENOUGH ♪

card money

↓

♪ MAYBE YOU HATE IT MAYBE YOU LOVE IT ♪

hate love

↓

♪ BUT IF YOU HATE IT ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GET MAD AND TELL YOUR BOSS TO ♪

boss hate

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪

aint workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB TAKE THIS JOB ♪

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪ ♪ YO ♪

shove

↓

♪ SOME OCCUPATIONS ARE LIKE SLAVE GIGS ♪

slave

↓

♪ THE BOSS'S FAVORITE'LL GET PLACED IN SOMETHIN' SPACIOUS ♪

bosss placed somethin

↓

♪ WHILE THE MOST HATED GET PLACED IN SOME SMALL CUBICLE SPACES ♪

cubicle hated placed spaces

↓

♪ OR GET THROWN DOWN IN THE BASEMENT ♪

basement thrown

↓

♪ GET YOUR STAPLER CONFISCATED ♪

stapler

↓

♪ YOU CONSTANTLY WAITIN' FOR A PAYCHECK ♪

constantly paycheck waitin

↓

♪ TWELVE MONTHS PASS BY AND YOU STILL AIN'T GET PAID YET ♪

aint months paid pass twelve

↓

♪ HERE'S AN OPTIMISTIC MOTTO ♪

motto optimistic

↓

♪ IF YOU EVER LATE FOR TODAY YOU CAN SAY YOU EARLY FOR TOMORROW ♪

early late today tomorrow

↓

♪ MOST 9:00-TO-5:00s ARE HARD ♪

hard

↓

♪ 'CAUSE THE DESCRIPTION OF THE JOB AIN'T NO PICNIC IN THE PARK ♪

aint description park picnic

↓

♪ PEOPLE GET HIRED DRINK COFFEE TO STAY WIRED ♪

coffee drink hired wired

↓

♪ SO THEY DON'T GET TIRED SLEEP LATE AND GET FIRED ♪

fired late sleep tired

↓

♪ YOU CAME IN LATE YOU ALREADY ATE ♪

late

↓

♪ NOW YOU WANNA TAKE A LUNCH BREAK ♪

break lunch

↓

♪ HEY, YO, BUST IT AIN'T NO NEED TO DISCUSS IT ♪

aint bust discuss

↓

♪ JUST TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT RIGHT BETWEEN YOUR BUTTOCKS ♪

shove

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪

aint workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB TAKE THIS JOB ♪

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪ [ Lumbergh ] MMM. YEAH.

shove

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ I, I, I, I, I-I-I-I ♪

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪

aint workin

↓

♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

shove

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ ♪ TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT ♪

aint shove workin

↓

♪ I-I, I-I-I ♪

↓

♪ I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE ♪ [ Lumbergh ] MMM. YEAH.

aint workin

↓

♪ AHH-AHH, AH-AH-AHH ♪

↓

♪ CANIBUS AND THE BIZ ♪

↓

♪ AHH-AHH, AH-AH-AHH ♪

↓

♪ IT'S COMIN' FROM CANIBUS AND THE BIZ ♪

comin

↓

♪ WHAT, WHAT WHAT ♪

↓

♪ IT'S COMIN' FROM CANIBUS AND THE BIZ ♪

comin

↓

♪ AHHH, AHHH ♪ ♪ FROM ♪

ahhh

↓

♪ FROM CANIBUS AND THE ♪

↓

♪ BI-I-I-I-I-I-I-IZ ♪♪