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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S18E05 — The Gang Goes to the Ren Faire

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 18, Episode 5 — The Gang Goes to the Ren Faire

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Goes to the Ren Faire

Air date: September 07, 2026

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Mac, Dennis, and Dee strive to conquest their way onto the Quilt of Legends at the local Renaissance Faire. Charlie discovers a love of luting while Frank tries to acquire the faire from old foes.

Source: TMDB

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[Dee] I feel like we're really close to the airport.

airport close

↓

[Charlie] We are close to the airport, right?

airport charlie close

↓

[Dennis] I can smell the jet fuel.

dennis fuel smell

↓

[Mac] Guys, you're focused on the wrong things. Look, check out the quilt.

check focused

↓

Is this what you've been talking about the whole time, this-this giant blanket?

blanket giant whole

↓

It's-It's not a blanket. It's the Quilt of Legends.

blanket

↓

Each square represents the most sensational moment

moment represents square

↓

from that year's Ren Faire.

years

↓

- Whoa. That's kind of cool. - Hmm.

cool whoa

↓

So, hang on, is there a way that we can get up on this quilt?

hang

↓

Yeah, there's blank spaces.

blank spaces

↓

That's what I've been talking about the whole ride up here, guys.

ride whole

↓

- Oh! That's badass, dude. - I belong up there, you know?

badass belong

↓

- I blocked him out. - What's with the dude

blocked

↓

with the avocado guitar? What's that guy?

avocado guitar

↓

Uh... No, he's a bard, and that's a lute.

lute

↓

He's hard, and you're telling me that's a flute?

flute hard telling

↓

No, a-a lute.

lute

↓

Yeah, I'm not seeing a lot of women up there.

seeing women

↓

Oh, that's because women don't drive story, Dee. Never have.

drive story women

↓

- Yeah. - What are you talking about?

↓

Women are at the center of tons of stories.

center stories tons women

↓

- Name one. - [Dee scoffs]

name scoffs

↓

- [Dennis] Yeah. - Rapunzel.

dennis

↓

[stammers] Pretty passive, Dee.

passive stammers

↓

I mean, it's just a woman waiting in a tower for men to climb her hair.

climb hair tower waiting woman

↓

- I think the hair's driving that story. - [chuckles] Right.

chuckles driving hairs story

↓

- You know? - That's the story

story

↓

of a prince with incredible core strength.

core incredible prince strength

↓

- It is his story. - Yeah. The hair is the vehicle to...

hair story vehicle

↓

What's with the one with the bare-ass guy and the rodent?

bare rodent

↓

[Mac] Oh. That's old. Forget about that.

forget

↓

Forget about that one? That's, like, the greatest one.

forget greatest

↓

- What's going on with that? - It's right in the middle.

middle

↓

- What is that? - It was a time in the '80s

↓

where homophobia was rampant, and there was all these crazy stories

crazy stories

↓

about people putting gerbils up their asses...

asses putting

↓

- Oh, right. - ...and, like, it's all bullshit.

bullshit

↓

None of it actually happened.

happened

↓

I do like the fact that there's a sexual path to quilt glory.

fact glory path sexual

↓

I might explore that.

explore might

↓

- [Charlie] Okay. - There's a real nerd kink to these things.

charlie kink nerd real

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- [Charlie] Okay. - There's a real nerd kink to these things. - Really? - I mean, there's a whole

charlie kink nerd real whole

↓

- Really? - I mean, there's a whole

whole

↓

underground sex thing here. Yeah, nerd sex.

nerd underground

↓

- They're all banging each other? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

banging

↓

- No, don't make this about sex, okay? - This is their time to shine.

shine

↓

This is about chivalry and bravery and being transported in time.

bravery

↓

It's about immersing yourself fully in the world.

fully world

↓

[announcer] Hold for dragon!

announcer dragon

↓

There's a dragon? What was that?

dragon

↓

[whooshing]

whooshing

↓

[Dee exclaims]

exclaims

↓

What the shit?

↓

[sneezes] Yeah, yeah, we're kind of close to the airport.

airport close sneezes

↓

- Yeah. - Dude, that thing almost landed on us.

landed

↓

[♪ "Temptation Sensation" playing]

playing sensation temptation

↓

playing]

playing

↓

[Mac] What do you guys wanna do first?

↓

Throw axes, or joust, or LARP, which stands for Live Action Roleplay,

action live stands throw

↓

which is basically just bashing nerds with foam swords.

bashing foam nerds swords

↓

Guys, check this out.

check

↓

I just went, and I got our parking ticket validated.

parking ticket

↓

- So, how's that for driving story? - Nice.

driving story

↓

- Boring story. - No, not boring.

boring boring-story story

↓

No, that... It's-It's active. I took initiative and I got it done. So...

active initiative

↓

- The guy stamping did it. - Yeah, you were just there.

↓

No, you're not getting it. Okay, I...

↓

- I lost it. I think it fell out. - Yeah.

fell lost

↓

It's fine. You know what, give me a second.

second

↓

- I'm gonna go look for it. I'll find it. - Go get the ticket.

ticket

↓

Riveting story, Dee. I'm sure they will speak of this for eons.

riveting speak story

↓

[chuckles] Yeah. Good story.

chuckles story

↓

[chuckles] Yeah. Good story. Hey, you know what, guys, I think I'm gonna go dig up one of those lutes

chuckles story

↓

Hey, you know what, guys, I think I'm gonna go dig up one of those lutes

↓

- and be hard, you know? - What?

hard

↓

I kind of want to get one of those avocado guitars, all right?

avocado

↓

- I wanna shred. - You're leaving us?

leaving shred

↓

Yeah, I'm just gonna poke around.

poke

↓

Uh, yeah, speaking of getting hard, that maiden just winked at me.

hard speaking

↓

Where?

↓

The one right there with the incredible bosom.

bosom incredible

↓

I must pursue this.

must pursue

↓

- Wha-- You're leaving us too? - You pursue it.

leaving pursue

↓

This they will speak of, I can assure you.

assure speak

↓

[attendant] Into the canals of pleasure.

attendant pleasure

↓

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" continues]

continues symphony

↓

Ho there.

↓

- What's up? - Not so fast, my lord.

fast lord

↓

For if you wish to seek the tender delights of the flesh,

flesh seek tender wish

↓

For if you wish to seek the tender delights of the flesh, thou-est must deal with me,

deal flesh must seek tender thou wish

↓

thou-est must deal with me,

deal must thou

↓

for I am Kevin.

kevin

↓

- Kevin, huh? Okay. Uh... - Yeah.

kevin

↓

- Oh, is that your... - My maiden?

↓

- Yeah, is she? - Indeed she is.

indeed

↓

- Oh, shit, okay. - But if thou-est desires a taste,

desires taste thou

↓

then thou may take-est a sip.

thou

↓

- Really? - Yes.

↓

- Oh, shit, that's... that's kinky, man. - Yes.

kinky

↓

Hey, so what's the catch, though, buddy?

buddy catch

↓

Like, are you gonna wanna watch or are you gonna try to slide in there?

slide watch

↓

What I ask of you is a riddle to prove thy worth.

prove riddle worth

↓

Yeah, uh, sure. Yeah, man, a riddle. Fire away. What you got?

fire riddle

↓

I move in silence, sometimes ahead, sometimes behind,

ahead behind silence sometimes

↓

but lose me in the light, and I am hard to find.

hard light lose

↓

- What am I? - Are you a shadow?

shadow

↓

- Indeed, I am. - [laughs] Yes!

indeed laughs

↓

You have proved your worth.

proved worth

↓

Oh. Okay, yeah. Do I have to do anything else, or is that it?

↓

That's it.

↓

Oh. That's awesome, man. All right, Kevin.

awesome kevin

↓

Great. Yeah, you nerds are all right, man. [laughing]

laughing nerds

↓

- Have fun, dude. - Oh, I'm gonna.

fun

↓

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

playing symphony

↓

That's a hell of a spread they got.

spread

↓

They got three different kinds of onions.

kinds onions three

↓

Who gives a shit, Frank?

frank gives

↓

We're here for legacy and glory, and to get on that quilt.

glory legacy

↓

You think they'll allow us to double up on the toppings?

allow double

↓

What? I don't know.

↓

[exaggerated British accent] Frank Reynolds?

accent british british-accent frank frank-reynolds reynolds

↓

- Yo. - The king is ready to receive you.

king ready receive

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What's this guy's deal, Frank? You want me to knock this nerd out?

deal frank knock nerd

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No, no, no, this is for me. I reached out to the owner of the faire.

owner reached

↓

I'm gonna buy this place.

place

↓

You're going to run a Renaissance Faire?

renaissance

↓

No, I'm gonna bulldoze this dump.

dump

↓

I'm going to put up a data center. All right, well, look, look.

center data data-center

↓

You wait here and load me up with an omelette

load

↓

as much shit as they'll let you put in it.

↓

I-I don't want to wait in line all day for eggs, man.

eggs line

↓

- I want to get on that quilt. - Look, look, look. I'll tell you what,

↓

you get me a loaded omelette, and I will put you on that quilt.

loaded

↓

And I will display it right in the lobby of the data center.

center data data-center display lobby

↓

- Really? - Yeah, sure.

↓

- Okay, I trust you. - Why?

trust

↓

- Huh? What did you say? - Nothing.

↓

- Just get me the omelette, okay? - Okay.

↓

- I'm gonna go with the guy. All right. - Yeah. All right. Okay.

↓

ny No. 9" playing]

playing

↓

What's with those nachos? Can I get in on that?

nachos

↓

Those are the royal nachos.

nachos royal

↓

- So that's a no? - [phone buzzing]

buzzing phone phone-buzzing

↓

The king approaches!

approaches king

↓

- [off-key horn blowing] - Oh! Oh!

blowing horn

↓

You gotta blow that right in my face?

blow face

↓

So... [chuckles] ...Frank Reynolds, you repugnant little man, you remember me?

chuckles frank frank-reynolds remember reynolds

↓

No, I don't think so.

↓

How about now?

↓

Or now?

↓

You guys from under the bridge?

bridge

↓

We're the McPoyles, you son of a bitch,

bitch mcpoyles

↓

and there's no way in hell you're getting our land.

land

↓

We rose from this land,

land rose

↓

and when the sky falls, we shall sink back into it.

falls sink

↓

Like clams in their mating season.

clams season

↓

This land has nourished the McPoyles for over a hundred...

hundred land mcpoyles

↓

- [announcer] Hold for dragon! - [airplane whooshing]

airplane announcer dragon whooshing

↓

What the...

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa

↓

- ...years! - Years.

years

↓

It was foolish of Ryan to consider your proposal.

consider foolish proposal ryan

↓

I simply thought we should hear him out.

simply

↓

Quiet the boy!

quiet

↓

- [yelps] Quiet, fool! - [groans]

fool groans quiet yelps

↓

See, Father and Ryan aren't speaking

father ryan speaking

↓

on account of his past foolish investments.

account foolish investments past

↓

You have the video store, you have the bowling alley,

alley bowling bowling-alley store video video-store

↓

and now the data.

data

↓

[crying] I've brought shame to our family's portfolio.

brought crying familys portfolio shame

↓

[crying] I've brought shame to our family's portfolio. Now I'm the number one boy.

brought crying familys number portfolio shame

↓

Now I'm the number one boy.

number

↓

- Philip, do it. - The royal meeting is over.

meeting philip royal

↓

Don't blow that horn.

blow horn

↓

[horn blows]

blows horn horn-blows

↓

So that's it? You're not gonna sell?

sell

↓

Okay, well, you got no honor. I'm telling you. You hear me?

honor telling

↓

You have no honor.

honor

↓

- Honor? - Honor.

honor

↓

- You question my honor? - Yes, I question it.

honor question

↓

[snaps fingers]

fingers snaps snaps-fingers

↓

Not you, not you. You, golden boy.

golden

↓

[Liam mumbles]

liam mumbles

↓

- Oh. - [both giggling]

giggling

↓

Okay, Franken Berry... [inhales deeply] ...Father will consider your offer

berry consider deeply father inhales inhales-deeply offer

↓

if you can best him at a royal challenge.

best challenge royal

↓

[horn blows]

blows horn horn-blows

↓

Will you stop blowing the horn? I'm going to stick that right up your ass.

blowing horn stick

↓

He who blink-eth lose-eth.

blink lose

↓

- A staring contest. - You blink, you lose!

blink contest lose staring staring-contest

↓

[stammers] Weird, but okay.

stammers weird

↓

Curses upon you, you repulsive turd.

curses repulsive turd

↓

May your eyes be dry as a bagel and crunchy as the desert sand.

bagel crunchy desert eyes sand

↓

[exhales deeply] Hey, man, any way I could skip ahead of you?

ahead deeply exhales skip

↓

No, you already cut the line, like, three times.

line three three-times times

↓

I know, I just... I got places to be, so...

places

↓

- We all have places to be. - Yeah, yeah.

places

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

If I had a stick, I'd just be like, "Bash, bam, bash."

bash stick

↓

And I'd be like, "Block, force field, backlash spell."

block field force spell

↓

- And then you'd be damaging yourself. - No, I wouldn't be.

↓

I'd be damaging you,

↓

because there are no force fields in medieval times, nerd.

fields force medieval nerd times

↓

- Renaissance. - [stammers] Renaissance?

renaissance stammers

↓

We're in the Renaissance time. This is a Renaissance--

renaissance

↓

You're an elf. What time are you from?

↓

We walkers of time have no time.

↓

- We exist everywhere. - Bash!

bash exist

↓

- Block! Force field! - Crash!

block crash field force

↓

- Bash! - Block! Force field. Backlash spell.

bash block field force spell

↓

- Goddamn nerds, I can't take it. - Yo!

goddamn nerds

↓

Check it out.

check

↓

♪♪ I'm a medieval dude In medieval times ♪

medieval times

↓

♪♪ I got a lute And I got mad rhymes ♪

lute rhymes

↓

♪ I'm hot as hell In medieval times ♪

medieval times

↓

♪♪ On an avocado guitar, yeah! ♪

avocado guitar

↓

- [laughs] - That's pretty good, yeah.

laughs

↓

This thing's sick, dude. What's going on with you?

sick

↓

Frank's got me on this BS omelette quest or some shit.

franks quest

↓

Dude, oh, dude, you remember that chick we saw earlier that I followed?

chick followed remember

↓

She was so hot, man, and I banged her and...

banged

↓

[chuckles] Oh, shit, you got the... you got the... lute. Is that what it is?

chuckles lute

↓

- Yeah. You know what? - Yeah.

↓

You should sing a song about the chick that I just banged.

banged chick sing song

↓

- Dude, she was so... - Yeah, but I didn't see it happen, man,

happen

↓

- so it's kind of weird. It's like-- - [Dennis groans]

dennis groans weird

↓

I could describe it to you in great detail.

describe detail

↓

But then you'd just be like...

↓

♪♪ I'm a guy who likes To make up stories ♪

likes stories

↓

No, I didn't make it up.

↓

♪♪ I'm singing of my glories ♪

singing

↓

Well, you're singing of my glories.

singing

↓

♪♪ This is a lute, not a lyre This is a lute, not a lyre ♪

lute

↓

♪♪ I'm making up bullshit ♪

bullshit

↓

You should be really careful with that kind of stuff

careful stuff

↓

because then lies become gossip, gossip become rumors.

become gossip lies rumors

↓

- [Charlie] Yeah. - Next thing you know,

charlie

↓

you're that guy with the gerbil up his ass.

↓

The story follows you around forever.

follows forever story

↓

- Okay. No, I don't want that. - You guys.

↓

You guys are not gonna believe what just happened.

believe happened

↓

- What? - Okay, what?

↓

So I went out to look for that missing parking ticket, right?

missing parking ticket

↓

And when I was bending over to pick it up, I got blasted by a horse.

bending blasted horse pick

↓

- Okay. - Okay.

↓

- Oh, is that it? - Crazy though, right? Isn't that crazy?

crazy

↓

And the thing is that story's nuts and I drove that story.

drove nuts story storys

↓

- Uh, no, you didn't drive that story. - Lotta horse driving, yeah.

drive driving horse lotta story

↓

Dee, you getting kicked by a horse is not you driving story.

driving horse kicked story

↓

If anything, the thing driving the story is the horse.

driving horse story

↓

In that story, the horse is the hero.

hero horse story

↓

Yeah, the horse is the hero, right?

hero horse

↓

Yeah, and there's kind of no way to sing about that.

sing

↓

- There's no way into that song. - It's a song about a horse, right?

horse song

↓

Who was just trying to live its life and then got understandably annoyed

annoyed life live

↓

by an irritating and insignificant woman,

insignificant irritating woman

↓

and had to kick her out of the way.

kick

↓

[imitating Mister Ed] ♪♪ I'm annoyed at Dee She's in my way ♪

annoyed imitating mister

↓

Maybe it is a good song. [chuckles]j

chuckles song

↓

♪♪ I'll kick her In her head... ♪

head kick

↓

- It's not Mister Ed, I mean... - Yeah, he's not Mister Ed.

mister

↓

- Yeah, it's not a good story. - Shut up, nerd. Focus on the line.

focus line nerd story

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - Uh... You know what?

↓

Let's go find that chick, dude, because I really want you to see her...

chick

↓

- Yeah, I wanna sing... - ...and she'll speak of it.

shell sing speak

↓

[announcer] Hold for dragon!

announcer dragon

↓

[airplane whooshing]

airplane whooshing

↓

- [sneezes] - Oh. Immunity spell. Immunity spell.

immunity sneezes spell

↓

- ♪♪ Show me the tent ♪ Where you made love ♪ - Yes. It's this one right here.

love tent

↓

- All right, man, chill out. - ♪♪ Show me the... ♪

chill

↓

- This is-- - Oh. Jesus, dude. What's that smell?

jesus smell

↓

- It does smell bad. Yeah. What is that? - Is that...

smell

↓

- I don't know, it's like-- - Did you have sex in that stench, dude?

stench

↓

Uh... Yeah, that is coming from the tent.

coming tent

↓

But no, it wasn't like that when I was in there.

↓

I mean, it did smell a little bit like that, but it was... It's gotten worse...

gotten smell worse

↓

- Oh, dude. Yeah, it reeks, man. - ...you know what I mean?

reeks

↓

It's getting hotter outside, so things are

hotter

↓

- cooking up in there. - That's nasty.

cooking nasty

↓

Halt. You, sir.

halt

↓

I am quite cross with you.

cross

↓

This is her husband Kevin, but it's okay. They have like a kinky thing going on.

husband kevin kinky

↓

It's-It's all good. What's up, Kevin? I thought we were all good.

kevin

↓

It's-It's all good. What's up, Kevin? I thought we were all good. - Oh, we were all good... - Uh-huh.

kevin

↓

- Oh, we were all good... - Uh-huh.

↓

...until you slinked off like a thief in the night without payment.

night payment thief

↓

Payment? No, no, no, I thought... Hang on a second,

hang payment second

↓

I thought you said that the riddle was all I had to do to bang your wife.

bang riddle wife

↓

My wife?

wife

↓

Nay, sir, my employee. My trick, if you will.

employee trick

↓

The riddle only provided you access to the tent.

access provided riddle tent

↓

The deed itself requires a payment of 100 quid,

deed payment requires

↓

and because you went off-menu,

menu

↓

it requires a payment of 150 quid.

payment requires

↓

You got to make it your own, you know what I mean? [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - I don't know what you mean, sir.

↓

She is my most experienced wench,

experienced wench

↓

and I have found her confused, sad, and despondent.

confused found

↓

Okay, well, I'll just pay you, and we'll move on.

↓

What... Do you take, like, Apple Pay or Venmo or...

apple

↓

I take Zelle.

↓

Just, my Venmo's all fucked up right now.

fucked

↓

- Yeah, fine. Well, Zelle then. - Okay.

↓

- You want me to sing about this? - Let's Zelle.

sing

↓

Yeah, I want you to sing a song about it.

sing song

↓

♪♪ He's a middle-aged man Who disturbed a prostitute ♪

aged disturbed middle prostitute

↓

What? D-Don't-Don't sing... No, don't sing about that part of it.

part sing

↓

- Sing-Sing about how I-- - Well, that's what happened.

happened sing

↓

No, but she was like hot and-and--

↓

You went off-menu, dude, and you creeped the lady out.

lady menu

↓

[sighs] All right, you know what? Ah, goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it sighs

↓

[sighs] Here's what I'll do. I'm-I'm gonna find another maiden, okay?

another sighs

↓

Even more desirable. Someone who has nothing to do with Kevin, okay?

kevin

↓

And mark my words, I'm gonna bang her, and you are gonna watch,

bang mark watch words

↓

and you will sing of it,

sing

↓

and they are going to quilt the shit out of it. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

Uh, Kevin, do you mind if we use the tent a little bit later?

kevin mind tent

↓

Yeah, for 15 quid.

↓

- Still don't know what a quid is, but... - Again, dude, just...

↓

It's like $20.

↓

It's, like, basically the same.

↓

Then just say $20, dude, like...

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah, let's not pretend like I'm doing something special here.

pretend special

↓

- This is my art, okay? - [phone chimes]

chimes phone phone-chimes

↓

[♪laying]

laying

↓

A lot of elfin magic starts with the hands.

hands magic starts

↓

A lot like a hula dance, uh,

dance

↓

if you've ever been to Hawaii and learned any of that.

hawaii learned

↓

- Yeah, I think you're up next. - Nope.

nope

↓

This omelette is gonna make my powers even more powerful,

powerful powers

↓

because what is an egg? A child of a chicken.

chicken child

↓

[fly buzzes]

buzzes

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

Frank, Frank, I got your stupid omelette. Oh.

frank stupid

↓

- He blinked. You blinked. - No, I did not blink!

blink blinked

↓

- I win. I won. You blinked. - No, I did not. Victory!

blinked victory

↓

- You blinked. You blinked. - Silence! Silence!

blinked silence

↓

There's only one way to take care of this!

care

↓

You must face me in a joust, horse and man.

face horse must

↓

- [trumpet plays] - [groaning]

groaning plays trumpet

↓

Jesus, stop with the horn. Get bent. I don't get on a horse, pal.

bent horn horse jesus

↓

Wait, Frank, let me do it, man.

frank

↓

This is what I've been trying to do all day. Let me bash these nerds.

bash nerds

↓

This is my destiny.

destiny

↓

- [laughs] - All right, Mac is gonna ride for me,

laughs ride

↓

but if he wins, you have to sell me the land.

land sell wins

↓

but if he wins, you have to sell me the land. By the cabbage in my colon,

cabbage colon land sell wins

↓

By the cabbage in my colon,

cabbage colon

↓

so it shall be, but...

↓

- Golden boy. - Oh, yeah.

golden

↓

[muttering]

muttering

↓

- Go... - Okay, Frankenboy, but if we win,

↓

- we get an eye. - Huh?

↓

- An eye. - And not just any eye.

↓

Mac's beautiful baby brown.

baby brown macs

↓

- Now stand back up. - [cackles]

cackles stand

↓

Fuck that.

fuck

↓

What happened to all the shit about the courage and the destiny?

courage destiny happened

↓

That was before we were talking about plucking out my fucking eye, dude.

fucking

↓

Wait, wait, it's-it's only one eye, right?

↓

- One. One eye. - One eye. It's only one eye.

↓

He's using cabbage in his colon as collateral, Frank.

cabbage collateral colon frank using

↓

- It's valuable. - I don't think this man

valuable

↓

can be trusted in a negotiation.

negotiation trusted

↓

What is it with you?

↓

Do you want to get on that stupid quilt or not?

stupid

↓

I guarantee you, you win, and you are on that quilt.

guarantee

↓

- Center. - Promise?

center promise

↓

Promise.

promise

↓

- Okay, I'll do it. - Ah!

↓

[fanfare]

fanfare

↓

- [mutters] - [shouts]

mutters shouts

↓

Jesus, stop with that horn.

horn jesus

↓

Well, there's the parking fee hike that they're doing

hike parking

↓

because they're not validating.

↓

Well, that was, uh...

↓

That was excellent. You did... You did good.

excellent

↓

Yeah. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

Uh, one more time, though, you're not a prostitute, right?

prostitute

↓

Why do you keep asking me that?

asking

↓

I just... Just triple-checking that. [chuckles]

checking chuckles triple

↓

Um, anyway, this will be fun to talk about, right?

fun

↓

You're... You're gonna talk about it?

↓

Well, sure. I-I think I should speak of this, yes.

speak

↓

Can-Can you not?

↓

- Why? What's... Oh, what's wrong? - [cries]

cries

↓

[sobs] I'm married.

married sobs

↓

- Yeah, you're married. - [sobbing continues]

continues married sobbing

↓

My husband, he was in a car accident, and he lost the use of his...

accident husband lost

↓

His dick?

dick

↓

And it's been so long since we...

↓

- Sure. - And this was so terrible. [crying]

crying

↓

- Wasn't that bad. - And it smells so awful in here.

awful smells

↓

- This was a mistake. - It doesn't smell great, but that wasn't...

mistake smell

↓

[crying continues]

continues crying

↓

It wasn't that bad. It was... That was...

↓

[scoffs] That was great.

scoffs

↓

Hey, dude, this was, uh...

↓

this was really disturbing. I-I don't think I could sing about this.

disturbing sing

↓

Fine. Don't.

↓

Please don't, like, ever ask me to watch you do that again, okay?

watch

↓

- Like, ever. - Yeah.

↓

Smells so bad in here, dude. Like, so... What-What is that?

smells

↓

Yeah, well, it's not me, dude.

↓

There's been countless people in here, I'm sure.

countless

↓

My God. Dude, I don't even know if we can be, like, friends anymore, man.

anymore friends

↓

That's fine, yeah.

↓

I can't believe you do that to people.

believe

↓

Why don't you just get out of here, man?

↓

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

playing symphony

↓

- Let me explain the one move to you. I-- - I don't want to know

explain

↓

- any more about it. It's super weird. - But I just want you to know...

super weird

↓

- Here he is. What's up, dude? - Hey. What's going on here?

↓

Yo, what is this?

↓

Oh, Mac is gonna joust Liam McPoyle.

liam mcpoyle

↓

And if he wins, I get to buy this dump and turn it into a data center.

center data data-center dump wins

↓

- Oh, okay. - Okay, cool. And if he loses?

cool loses

↓

They dig out his eye.

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

[chuckles] Whoa.

chuckles whoa

↓

- That is medieval. - Yeah, it is.

medieval

↓

- Yeah. - What you two been up to?

↓

I really don't want to talk about it. Yeah, I just...

↓

[fanfare]

fanfare

↓

- That guy with his goddamn horn. - Yeah.

goddamn horn

↓

Lords and ladies,

ladies

↓

the joust is about to begin!

begin

↓

[cheering, applause]

applause cheering

↓

Jousters, make ready.

ready

↓

- [crowd cheering] - [Pappy chuckles] Look at my boy.

cheering chuckles crowd crowd-cheering

↓

That's so fun, my boy, my favorite, my...

favorite fun

↓

Say, uh, has Mac ever ridden a horse?

horse ridden

↓

- Shit if I know. - I don't think he has.

↓

- Dude's gonna get blasted. - I think so. [chuckles]

blasted chuckles dudes

↓

Go!

↓

[♪ "Ride of the Valkyries" playing]

playing ride

↓

- [thud] - [crowd gasps, murmurs]

crowd crowd-gasps gasps murmurs thud

↓

Ooh. Told ya.

↓

Ooh. Told ya. There goes the data center.

center data data-center

↓

There goes the data center.

center data data-center

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

[panting]

panting

↓

- [grunts] - [crowd gasps]

crowd crowd-gasps gasps grunts

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

An eye for an eye. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

[laughs]

laughs

↓

My eye!

↓

Ryan!

ryan

↓

[crowd gasps]

crowd crowd-gasps gasps

↓

I'm blind!

blind

↓

The shame! The horror!

horror shame

↓

Breathe in. Suck a... [inhales] Try to suck. [inhales] Try to suck in with your eye.

breathe inhales suck

↓

Can you do that? It's not going in.

↓

Who is responsible for this skulduggery?

responsible

↓

'Twas I, Lady Dee.

lady

↓

Puller of strings, master of puppets, and driver of all story.

driver master puppets story strings

↓

We will have our revenge.

revenge

↓

Nobody messes with the McPoyles!

mcpoyles messes nobody

↓

[sobs] We better get the fuck out of here. [grunts]

fuck grunts sobs

↓

Uh, I don't know what's happening. Dee, you look very cocky.

cocky

↓

You want to explain?

explain

↓

The limp, it's not real. I made it all up.

limp real

↓

- Why, Dee? - Yeah, why?

↓

Guys, I was never even kicked by a horse.

horse kicked

↓

- What the... - What is she blathering about?

↓

- I have no fucking... - I don't know.

fucking

↓

You said women couldn't drive stories,

drive stories women

↓

so I masterminded this entire thing.

entire

↓

See, I was spying on Frank

frank spying

↓

when I heard Liam say that Ryan was no longer in his father's favor.

fathers favor heard liam longer ryan

↓

Now I know that Mac talks a big game all the time,

game talks

↓

but he's just a big pussy, and there's no way he would ever risk losing an eye.

losing pussy risk

↓

So I convinced Ryan to switch places with him.

convinced places ryan switch

↓

And then when Mac was off doing whatever he was doing,

↓

I went and got a new parking ticket validated.

parking ticket

↓

So, you see, everything that happened here today was all because of me.

happened today

↓

I drove every story.

drove story

↓

It's true. I gotta hand it to you, Dee.

hand

↓

That is all true, and it actually is a really good story.

story

↓

- Except for the parking ticket. - I was gonna say. Yeah.

except parking ticket

↓

- Yeah. You could've left that out. - I regret saying that.

couldve left regret

↓

You keep trying to throw in something about a parking ticket.

parking throw ticket

↓

As soon as it was coming out of my mouth, I was like, "What are you talking about?"

coming mouth

↓

- Forget that part. - That's all right.

forget part

↓

Either way, Dee, I gotta admit, you earned it.

admit earned

↓

I think you're gonna be the one up on that quilt this year.

↓

Yeah! Yes!

↓

- [announcer] Hold for dragon! - Ah, shit.

announcer dragon

↓

[grunting]

grunting

↓

- [sneezes] - [squeaks]

sneezes squeaks

↓

[♪ "Symphony No. 9" playing]

playing symphony