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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S18E03 — The Gang Gets Tested

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 18, Episode 3 — The Gang Gets Tested

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Gets Tested

Air date: August 24, 2026

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Dennis and Dee are diagnosed with ADHD, and even more shocking: Mac isn't. They go back to school for a do-over now that they understand their brains more better.

Source: TMDB

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

[Dee] What? Oh, come on. This is bullshit.

bullshit

↓

- This has to be a mistake. - [Mac] You're telling me. Mine's negative.

mines mistake negative telling

↓

How are we positive and you're negative?

negative positive

↓

What is that, an AIDS test?

aids test

↓

No, it's a neuropsych test.

test

↓

Yeah, we went to Penn to get a full neuropsychological test done

full penn test

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to see if any of us had ADHD.

↓

And according to this shit, Dennis and I do.

according dennis

↓

- Which is a lie. - Consider yourselves lucky.

consider lucky yourselves

↓

- At least now you have an excuse. - An excuse for what?

excuse least

↓

For why your life turned out like shit,

life turned

↓

why you never accomplished anything, why you failed out of Penn.

accomplished failed penn

↓

Uh, no, no. No, we did not fail out of Penn, okay?

fail penn

↓

We declined to graduate.

declined graduate

↓

Yeah, we just decided not to take the final exam

decided exam final

↓

'cause we got, like, you know, distracted by other shit.

distracted

↓

Yeah, but isn't getting distracted, like, the main thing of ADHD?

distracted main

↓

[Dee] Stop it. It's

↓

No, we got distracted by, like, sex, drugs, and rock and roll,

distracted drugs rock roll

↓

like normal college kid shit.

college normal

↓

- Neurotypical distractions. - Right.

distractions

↓

My whole life, I thought I had shit for brains,

brains life whole whole-life

↓

mainly because my mom would stick a Tootsie Roll in my ear when I slept.

roll slept stick

↓

And I would wake up and find it and I would think there was

wake

↓

- actually shit in my brains. - Leaking out of your head at night?

brains head leaking night

↓

I think it's because she loved me so much and she wanted to keep me at home,

home loved wanted

↓

- you know? - [Charlie] Sure, yeah.

charlie

↓

And then I wised up and I caught on to her love ruse,

caught love ruse

↓

and I realized that I probably did have some kind of disorder.

disorder realized

↓

I thought you did, for sure.

↓

And now I have no excuse. I could have gone to Penn.

excuse gone penn

↓

Dude, I have a Ferrari brain that's stuck in first gear.

brain gear stuck

↓

[Charlie] Yeah.

charlie

↓

You have a Subaru brain that has two flat tires.

brain flat tires

↓

Yeah, Mac, you couldn't even study in high school without getting all pissed off

pissed school study

↓

and breaking all your pencils--

breaking pencils

↓

He'd throw all his books all around the room.

books room throw

↓

That's not true.

↓

All right, yeah, but like, do I What's mine say?

↓

Like, what car is my brain?

brain

↓

- This oughta be good. - Uh

oughta

↓

"Inconclusive."

inconclusive

↓

- Oh, huh? - [Dee] What?

↓

They want you to come back for more testing.

testing

↓

- [Charlie] I gotta go back? - Yeah.

charlie

↓

I don't know why you guys give a shit about this.

↓

I mean, you are who you are.

↓

And as far as Penn goes [chuckles]

chuckles penn

↓

the only reason why you two got in there was because of my money.

money reason

↓

Your brains had nothing to do with it.

brains

↓

Yeah, well, we'll see about that, Frank.

frank

↓

Dee, you thinking what I'm thinking?

thinking

↓

- Dee? - Mmm. Mm-hmm?

↓

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

thinking

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Great. Then say it with me.

↓

- Oh, I would love to. - We're--

love

↓

You just have to tell me what it is we were gonna say.

↓

You literally just said you knew what I was thinking.

thinking

↓

That was a lie. I got distracted for a sec.

distracted

↓

I was gonna say we should go back to school.

school

↓

- Oh, shit, really? - Yeah.

↓

- Yeah. - Oh! Okay. I like it.

↓

- You want to say it together again? - No, I don't. I'll just do it.

↓

- We're gonna go back to school. Mmm. - Back to school. Did it.

school

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Wow, look at this. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

I don't know where we should sit now that we know we have ADHD.

↓

Maybe we just sit in the front row, you know?

front

↓

Mm-hmm. Get out of the way for when the shooter comes blasting.

blasting comes shooter

↓

Wait, wait. Hey, don't do that.

↓

[Dee] It's upsetting.

upsetting

↓

- It's-It's very triggering, you know? - Yeah.

↓

That being said, uh [sighs] it would be good if he had to blast through

blast sighs

↓

a couple rows before he got to us,

couple

↓

- you know what I mean? - Yeah.

↓

- Right. Give us a little time to scramble. - Exactly.

scramble

↓

- Yeah. - What are you gonna do?

↓

Well, well, well, if it isn't the stupid little rich kids.

kids rich stupid

↓

[scoffs] Uh, we are not stupid.

scoffs stupid

↓

You are.

↓

- Is that the whole comeback? - I think so. I didn't--

comeback whole

↓

- Thought you were - That's not what I meant.

meant

↓

Give me a second. I'm gonna think of something else.

second

↓

It'll be too late. What are you doing here?

itll late

↓

I'm gonna prove to you that I could've gone to Penn.

couldve gone penn prove

↓

That's why I'm sitting right here in the front row,

front sitting

↓

'cause I'm going to pay attention.

attention

↓

I'm going to take notes, and, of course,

course notes

↓

if the shooter comes in blasting, I can scramble.

blasting comes scramble shooter

↓

- All right, let's do this thing. - [Dee] What?

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

We're doing a Back to School thing like Rodney Dangerfield did in the movie.

movie rodney school

↓

[grunts] "Let's party!"

grunts party

↓

Okay, well, Frank, we are not doing a Back to School thing.

frank school

↓

We're just going back to school.

school

↓

What's the difference?

difference

↓

The difference is we're gonna pay attention and we're gonna study and focus.

attention difference focus study

↓

- We explained this at the bar. - I probably wasn't paying attention.

attention explained paying paying-attention

↓

- Do we all have ADHD now? - I guess.

↓

Not me. Look at how well-arranged my index cards are and my pencils.

arranged cards pencils

↓

I'm focused as shit.

focused

↓

[chuckling] Okay, nerd.

chuckling nerd

↓

Nobody uses paper anymore, all right?

anymore nobody paper uses

↓

It's all computers, you stupid, dumb dumb.

computers dumb dumb-dumb stupid

↓

- Dee. - [gasps] I'm so sorry. I don't know.

gasps

↓

I think that the diagnosis is messing with my confidence or something.

confidence diagnosis messing

↓

Wait a minute.

minute

↓

If you guys are not gonna party, I'm gonna find somebody else who will.

party somebody

↓

Ah. Four-eyes here.

eyes four

↓

Come with me. I'm gonna show you what school really is.

school

↓

We're gonna "par-tay."

↓

All right, here. When the teacher comes, tell him I'm renting the kid.

comes renting teacher

↓

Come on. Let's go.

↓

Let's go. Come on. Get up.

↓

Sort of a human trafficking situation.

human situation trafficking

↓

- Seems like it, right? Whatever. - Yeah.

seems

↓

[Dennis grunts]

dennis grunts

↓

You know what? I think I should get some Ritterall to help me focus.

focus

↓

No, no, no. Dee, don't do that.

↓

You know where that leads.

leads

↓

You know, starts with Ritterall, then you move to coke,

coke starts

↓

and then you're smoking crack and then more crack.

crack smoking smoking-crack

↓

Okay? Let's not do that, all right?

↓

Worst comes to worst, we feel like we're not gonna pass the test,

comes pass test worst

↓

just do what you always used to do. Just bang the professor.

bang professor used

↓

[both chuckle]

chuckle

↓

Oh. I think that's gonna have to be your department.

department

↓

Well, no, I don't know about that. I mean, it could go either way, you know, but, uh

↓

Yeah, let's not Let's not go down that road.

road

↓

I-I don't really wanna bang her.

bang

↓

Good morning, class.

class morning

↓

Oh!

↓

Good

↓

morning

morning

↓

class.

class

↓

[professor] Okay, Mr. Kelly.

kelly professor

↓

So I'm sure you've seen these types of tests before

seen tests types

↓

- when logging on to a website or a domain. - Mmm.

website

↓

They're used for identifying robots.

robots used

↓

Oh. You think I might be a robot?

might robot

↓

[chuckles] No, of course not.

chuckles course

↓

Oh.

↓

I have "drinken" motor oil.

motor

↓

You Sorry, what?

↓

Uh Yeah. I didn't drink it all that much and I didn't like it.

drink

↓

Okay. Right.

↓

So I'm probably not a robot. Put that down.

robot

↓

- Right. - Good.

↓

- Okay, well, let's try the test. - Yeah.

test

↓

[professor] Which of these images has grass?

grass images professor

↓

Um [mumbles] just this one.

mumbles

↓

Just that one?

↓

Yeah, that that's the only one I see. This guy right here.

↓

And out of curiosity, what color is the man's shirt?

color mans shirt

↓

Uh, no, I'm not colorblind if that's your concern.

concern

↓

Uh, his shirt is light blue.

blue light shirt

↓

I can see it and I can smell it like crazy. [scoffs]

crazy scoffs smell

↓

- Smell it? - Oh, yeah.

smell

↓

I-I can smell every color in this room.

color room smell

↓

[Charlie inhales]

charlie inhales

↓

And why did you select that image as having grass?

grass having image select

↓

Well, because hair is the grass of the head.

grass hair head

↓

I see. And why no grass in the others?

grass others

↓

Oh, well, because they're just pictures of grass,

grass pictures

↓

and you asked which picture has grass, and that's the only grass head one.

asked grass head picture

↓

But that one is also a photograph.

photograph

↓

Uh, yes, but it has a tiny hair on it.

hair tiny

↓

See? So this is the only one that had any actual grass.

actual grass

↓

It was hard to see, but I could smell the black of the hair.

black hair hard smell

↓

[sniffs] Yeah.

sniffs

↓

[stammers] Do you mind if I invite a few other professors to join us?

invite join mind stammers

↓

Sure, yeah.

↓

May I keep this?

↓

- Yeah. - Great.

↓

Good. Deal.

deal

↓

Are you sure I'm not a robot?

robot

↓

You are definitely not a robot.

robot

↓

[smacks lips] All right.

lips smacks smacks-lips

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

[Frank] All right, all right.

frank

↓

Okay. Let's check out the dorm room.

check dorm room

↓

Well, right away, I see the issues in this room.

issues room

↓

- Yeah. I don't see any bongs. - Oh.

↓

I don't see any lava lamps. Not good.

lamps lava

↓

And the walls should be covered with titty posters.

covered posters titty walls

↓

- Uh, oh. - You don't know how to do college, do you

college

↓

I never caught your name. What's your name?

caught name

↓

Um, I'm Jie.

↓

- G? - Jie.

↓

G? I want to stick with G. You're from another country, right?

another country stick

↓

Yes, I'm from China.

china

↓

China. There you go.

china

↓

That's the problem right there, because they don't know

problem

↓

how to throw away a perfectly good education over there.

education perfectly throw

↓

- Uh, oh. - They don't know that.

↓

- Let me tell you something, G. - Okay.

↓

- Life is the only education - Mmm. Uh.

education life

↓

and you don't want to fail at that.

fail

↓

- Okay. - Okay? Yeah.

↓

Oh! Hello. This must be the roommate.

must roommate

↓

Oh, here we go. This is good.

↓

He looks like he's all dolled up.

↓

You're ready to go out and have some fun, right?

fun ready

↓

What are you gonna do?

↓

Go to Go to the dean's office and crap on his desk?

desk office

↓

No, I'm going to a protest.

protest

↓

- [door opens] - A protest?

door door-opens opens protest

↓

Boring.

boring

↓

What's the matter with you kids? You don't know how to have fun anymore?

anymore fun kids matter

↓

Wait, you know what?

↓

- Mmm. - Your roommate just gave me a great idea.

idea roommate

↓

- G, follow me. - Mmm.

follow

↓

You know where the dean's office is?

office

↓

Uh, yes.

↓

[glass shatters]

glass glass-shatters shatters

↓

[Frank] Oh, f fuck! Oh

frank fuck

↓

Holy fuck.

fuck holy holy-fuck

↓

Oh, this is great.

↓

I fucked up my hand. Look at that. Huh?

fucked hand

↓

- Holy shit. - That's the way it's got to be in college.

college holy

↓

God, wait, let me I got to do-do this.

↓

- Come on in, G. - Oh. Oh.

↓

Come on, come on, come on in, G. I gotta blot. Whoo.

whoo

↓

Holy Toledo. There's blood. Holy shit.

blood holy toledo

↓

It's bleeding like a pig.

bleeding

↓

See that trash can over here?

trash

↓

Grab that, bring it over in the middle here.

bring grab middle

↓

Take a good crap in it.

↓

- Take a nice big crap in it - A A crap?

↓

and dump it on the dean's desk.

desk dump

↓

That's the way you do it. Come on. Go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

- [cries] - What's the matter? You can't take a shit?

cries matter

↓

- You dehydrated? - [crying] No.

crying dehydrated

↓

You got to hydrate.

↓

I'm going to get expelled.

expelled

↓

- Why you gonna get expelled? - They will know it's us.

expelled

↓

How they gonna know it's us? They can't know it's us.

↓

You make me use my key card to open the building.

building card open

↓

Well, I can't smash every window, G.

smash window

↓

And they have cameras.

cameras

↓

- There's a camera. - Camera? Huh?

camera

↓

Oh, shit. Oh Ooh.

↓

Times are changing.

changing times

↓

Uh, that's because of the shooters, probably.

↓

All right, shit.

↓

Uh [stammers] Tell you what. Uh All right, all right. [stutters] Relax.

relax stammers stutters

↓

Uh [stutters] Listen, don't blame G, this is all me.

blame stutters

↓

This is all my fault. I made him do it.

fault

↓

So don't blame him, okay?

blame

↓

And I-I-I had to break the glass over there to get in

break glass

↓

'cause we were gonna shit on your desk.

desk

↓

[stammers] This will pay for the window that I broke in the door.

broke door stammers window

↓

Okay? Everything good?

↓

There is a little cleanup, but there's no shit.

↓

You don't have to clean up any turds, any-any crap,

clean turds

↓

'cause that desk would've been full of my shit

desk full wouldve

↓

if I could have got up there. Okay.

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

I forgot how hard these classes are, you know.

classes forgot hard

↓

And I can't even, uh, concentrate on what that old lady was saying.

concentrate lady

↓

Yeah, how are you supposed to concentrate on anything?

concentrate supposed

↓

You know, the women, although ignorant and naive, are at their physical apex.

ignorant naive physical women

↓

You gotta look over your shoulder every three seconds to make sure

seconds shoulder three three-seconds

↓

- there's not an active shooter - Right?

active shooter

↓

and the teacher is like a draconian bore.

bore teacher

↓

Yeah, how are you even supposed to know what to study?

study supposed

↓

You know what? I don't know that, either.

↓

Seriously, everything's apparently in a portal,

apparently everythings portal

↓

and I tried to get in the portal, but I can't get in.

portal tried

↓

You need a computer science degree.

computer degree science

↓

[laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

laughs

↓

- Are you on drugs? - Yeah, yeah.

drugs

↓

Goddamn it, Dee. I I told you not to do Ritterall.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

No, I didn't do Ritterall. No, I-I found some coke.

coke found

↓

- Oh, you bitch. - Yeah.

bitch

↓

- Do you have any more? - A little bit.

↓

Give me some. Give me some.

↓

Come on, come on, come on

↓

Yeah.

↓

- [grunts] Why'd I do that? - Yeah.

grunts whyd

↓

Aw, what the hell?

↓

Is that Mac over there studying his brains off?

brains studying

↓

- Yeah. - He's got a partner though, a study buddy?

buddy partner study

↓

- That's cheating. You can't do that. -Don't worry, Dee.

cheating worry

↓

I did a little something to nuke his confidence.

confidence nuke

↓

Dude, how do you not know this answer?

answer

↓

I've gone over it with you, like, five times.

five five-times gone times

↓

No, I know, I Hold on. There's something weird in my What is this?

weird

↓

Oh. Ew!

↓

What is that? Oh, my God, that smells like shit.

smells

↓

- Does that smell like shit to you? - Dude. I don't wanna smell it.

smell

↓

- No, I know, but just smell it. - I don't wanna smell it.

smell

↓

- Is that What? - [laughs]

laughs

↓

Did you put a Tootsie Roll in his ear?

roll

↓

I did.

↓

- Do you think it's poop? - [Dennis] Yeah.

dennis poop

↓

[study partner] No, I don't think it's poop.

partner poop study

↓

I-I popped a Tootsie Roll in there, yeah.

popped roll

↓

I-I shoved it in my asshole for a little while too,

asshole shoved

↓

- so it smells like shit. - Did you?

smells

↓

- That's why it smells bad. - Yeah.

smells

↓

- Wow, nice touch. - Thank you.

touch

↓

Okay, Mr. Kelly.

kelly

↓

- Yeah. - This should be an easy one.

easy

↓

Backpacks are to books as coffee cans are to

backpacks books cans coffee

↓

A, coffee. B, rice. Or C, dirt.

coffee dirt rice

↓

[smacks lips]

lips smacks smacks-lips

↓

I'd like to answer D, a "stab" infection.

answer infection stab

↓

Interesting.

interesting

↓

Yeah, you almost had me.

↓

[chuckles] And how do you come by this answer, Charlie?

answer charlie chuckles

↓

Well [stammers] you know, backpacks can be very "cummerbund" to carry around.

backpacks carry stammers

↓

They can pull on your necks, causing chronic injury,

causing chronic injury necks pull

↓

but at the heart of that problem are the books inside.

books heart problem

↓

Coffee cans can also cause injuries too.

cans coffee injuries

↓

They could have sharp edges if opened improperly,

edges opened sharp

↓

and those could lead to cuts, which could lead to "stab" infections.

cuts infections lead stab

↓

[professors murmuring]

murmuring

↓

I see.

↓

And why didn't you answer A, coffee?

answer coffee

↓

Well, 'cause coffee cans don't hold coffee.

cans coffee

↓

Coffee is a liquid.

coffee liquid

↓

[chuckles] Coffee cans hold coffee beans,

beans cans chuckles coffee

↓

and this particular can has 627 beans inside of it, but no coffee. [chuckles]

beans chuckles coffee particular

↓

And how do you think you know that?

↓

Well, I heard the number when you put it down.

heard number

↓

Yeah, just like I can hear you have two pencils in your right pocket

pencils pocket

↓

because of the volume of your right footsteps.

footsteps volume

↓

You tread lightly on that foot because you don't want to get poked.

foot lightly

↓

Yeah, there there you go.

↓

[gasps] Amazing.

amazing gasps

↓

Somebody do something?

somebody

↓

Some-- Did you do Did you do something? Do it again. I missed it.

missed

↓

[Frank] This is the most important thing that you could do in college.

college frank

↓

- Okay. Oh. - Get laid.

laid

↓

Because girls just wanna have new experiences.

experiences girls

↓

- So let's find you the perfect girl. - Okay.

girl perfect

↓

How about her? With the can in her hand.

hand

↓

Oh! Oh. No, no, no, no, no, I-I don't think she's interested in me.

interested

↓

G, you got to swing for the fences in college.

college fences swing

↓

Don't worry about it. I know what to say.

worry

↓

I'm gonna be right behind you,

behind

↓

- whispering in your ear. - Okay.

whispering

↓

Remember the moves that I taught you earlier.

moves remember taught

↓

- Yes. - Yeah, yeah, you do.

↓

Okay, let's go, come on.

↓

[♪ electronic music]

electronic music

↓

Hi, I'm G. I'm on the China Express to sexy town.

china express sexy town

↓

What? It's too loud. I can't--

loud

↓

Are you trying to talk to me?

↓

Compliment her tits.

compliment tits

↓

Okay, look, what do you creeps want?

creeps

↓

Hi, I'm Frank Reynolds, a local billionaire

billionaire frank frank-reynolds local reynolds

↓

and all-around good time.

↓

Uh, I'm pulling a Back to School.

pulling school

↓

This is my friend, G.

friend

↓

- Hi. - He's going to be rich too someday,

rich someday

↓

but right now he's not looking for attachments.

looking

↓

He's "down to clown," as the kids say,

clown kids

↓

and he's got some exotic moves in the sack that you've probably never tried.

exotic moves sack tried

↓

Show her the hip thing. Do the hip thing.

↓

- Do I have to? - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go on.

↓

Watch this. Watch this. Check this out.

check watch

↓

Go on, do it. Do it bigger, bigger.

bigger

↓

Yeah. Look at that. That is hot.

↓

That is Chinese dong.

chinese dong

↓

Not great from what I hear, but it's not nothing.

↓

And you may never get to sample this again.

sample

↓

I mean, this is the time for you to have new experiences. Am I right?

experiences

↓

- What the hell is going on here? - Huh?

↓

You nerds trying to hit on my girl?

girl nerds

↓

Nerds?

nerds

↓

Who are you, Johnny Unitas?

johnny

↓

Who? I'm captain of the crew team, grandpa.

captain crew grandpa team

↓

What the hell is that kid doing?

↓

- Oh. Y-You can stop, G. G, you can stop. - Oh, okay.

↓

So you're the tough guys on campus, huh? You're the top jocks, eh?

campus jocks tough

↓

Well, listen to this.

↓

Tomorrow, G and I are gonna do a synchronized dive

dive synchronized tomorrow

↓

from the high dive in front of the whole school.

dive front school whole whole-school

↓

Why?

↓

Well, then we'll see who the nerds are.

nerds

↓

Be there or be square.

square

↓

- All right, man. - All right.

↓

Wait, wait, wait, why-why are we doing that?

↓

Dangerfield did it in Back to School. Trust me, it's gonna work. [chuckles]

chuckles school trust

↓

Come on. Let's get a brew. I want to get loaded.

brew loaded

↓

[♪ "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" plays]

bright futures plays shades wear

↓

♪ I study nuclear science I love my classes ♪

classes love nuclear science study

↓

♪ I got a crazy teacher Who wears dark glasses ♪

crazy dark glasses teacher wears

↓

♪ Things are going great ♪

↓

Uh, okay. Uh, the preconscious mind?

mind

↓

Yes. True.

↓

Uh, I'm asking for the definition.

asking definition

↓

[whines] I don't know what that word means.

whines word

↓

Nietzsche. Nietzsche!

↓

I don't know.

↓

♪ I got a job waiting For my graduation ♪

graduation waiting

↓

♪ Fifty thou a year'll buy A lot of beer ♪

beer fifty thou

↓

♪ Things are going great and They're only getting better ♪

↓

♪ I'm doing all right Getting good grades ♪

grades

↓

♪ The future's so bright I gotta wear shades ♪

bright futures shades wear

↓

Okay, that's you up there, G. And you're gonna go boing.

boing

↓

Then you do a flip, and you boing straight in.

boing flip straight

↓

How's that? Too much?

↓

All right, I'll tell you what. There's another option.

another option

↓

All right, this is easy.

easy

↓

- Okay? All right. - Yeah.

↓

♪ I'm heavenly blessed And worldly wise ♪

blessed heavenly wise

↓

♪ I'm a peeping tom techie With X-ray eyes ♪

eyes peeping

↓

♪ Things are going great and They're only getting better ♪

↓

- All right, jump! - No, no, no.

jump

↓

- Don't look down. Just look up. Look up. - Okay.

↓

Ready, and one, two, three. Jump!

jump ready three

↓

- [grunts, screams] - [cheers]

cheers grunts screams

↓

You did it! You did it, G!

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

[stammers] Is it hidden or no?

hidden stammers

↓

- Whoa. - [Mac] True. False.

false whoa

↓

I'm gonna toss the bookshelf, buddy.

buddy toss

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

[groans]

groans

↓

[♪ song fades out]

fades song

↓

[Dee sniffing]

sniffing

↓

[whispers] Dee.

whispers

↓

- Dee! - What? Yeah, what?

↓

Are you on crack?

crack

↓

Yeah.

↓

[sighs] Bitch.

bitch sighs

↓

Shh.

↓

[pencils breaking]

breaking pencils

↓

I want to thank you all, and Mr. Kelly,

kelly

↓

for your time and effort in the pursuit of this diagnosis.

diagnosis effort

↓

It wasn't easy, but I think what we have uncovered

easy

↓

is the most extraordinary scientific discovery in the last 100 years.

discovery extraordinary scientific years

↓

It is the opinion of this esteemed community

community opinion

↓

that Mr. Charlie Kelly has a condition we would like to call--

charlie charlie-kelly condition kelly

↓

He left.

left

↓

- What? - He just walked out the door.

door walked

↓

Oh.

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

[whistles]

whistles

↓

Mr. Kelly! Mr. Kelly, wait.

kelly

↓

- [Charlie] Hey. - Why did you leave?

charlie

↓

Oh. Well, uh, I saw you put your folder down.

folder

↓

So when someone is no longer holding an object--

holding longer object

↓

That they've been holding while giving a lecture or a speech or something

giving holding lecture speech

↓

and they put it down, yeah, they're done talking.

↓

- Fascinating. - Yeah.

fascinating

↓

Well, wouldn't you like to hear our diagnosis?

diagnosis

↓

Oh. Cool. Uh, of what?

cool

↓

- Of you. - Of me? [chuckles] What about me?

chuckles

↓

Don't you want to know what you are?

↓

Uh

↓

I'm Charlie.

charlie

↓

Uh, yes, sorry. I mean what you have.

↓

Uh

↓

No. Huh? Wh-What? No, what I have is to get to the pool.

pool

↓

Yeah, my buddy's doing a big dive.

dive

↓

[♪ jovial music]

jovial jovial-music music

↓

Whole school is gonna be there.

school whole whole-school

↓

[Frank] Huh.

frank

↓

I thought there'd be more people here.

thered

↓

[whistles]

whistles

↓

Oh, I-I-I think this is too high.

↓

Ooh. I'm with you, kid. This is very high.

↓

Uh, do we have to do this?

↓

No, we don't. You do.

↓

It can't be all about tests and books, G.

books tests

↓

You got to take some wild risks in order to pass the test of life.

life order pass risks test wild

↓

- Okay. - Yeah, give me your glasses.

glasses

↓

- Okay. - Yeah, go on, go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

- Do your thing. Go on. - Okay.

↓

All right, ready? Go on, go on up there.

ready

↓

Remember the training. You can do this, G, all right?

remember training

↓

- G? - Yes.

↓

Take a leap of faith, kid.

faith leap

↓

- Yeah. - Okay.

↓

- On my count. - Okay.

count

↓

- Ready? All right. - Uh

ready

↓

- [Frank] One - Okay.

frank

↓

two

↓

- Okay. - three.

three

↓

- I jump! - Jump! [cheers]

cheers jump

↓

Flip!

flip

↓

Fly! [grunting]

grunting

↓

[♪ dramatic music]

dramatic dramatic-music music

↓

Yeah!

↓

Oh

↓

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

↓

My bad, G!

↓

- [Dennis] Move! - [Mac] Get out of th

dennis

↓

- [Dee] Look out, please. - [Mac] Scoot.

scoot

↓

Make way. We're trying to see something here.

↓

[Mac] Dumbass kids. Move.

dumbass kids

↓

[grunts] I know I aced this thing.

aced grunts

↓

Yeah, I guarantee you I aced it.

aced guarantee

↓

Yeah. Hey, um, you weren't putting shit in my ear, were you?

putting

↓

Put something in your ear?

↓

What are you [chuckles] What are you talking about, man?

chuckles

↓

Uh, I don't see us.

↓

- I don't see us either. - I don't think we're on this.

↓

[Mac] Wait, what do you mean?

↓

- Where are our grades? - Hang on a second.

grades hang second

↓

- Did she not grade us? - Are you kidding me? What the hell?

grade kidding

↓

Ugh. Goddamn it. You know what?

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

[sighs] Okay, I think I know what happened here.

happened sighs

↓

I'm a little ashamed to admit it,

admit ashamed

↓

but you know, we never actually, like, enrolled in the school,

enrolled school

↓

so maybe that's why they didn't grade us?

grade

↓

Did we have to?

↓

Uh, probably.

↓

I skimmed the website, but there was, like, so many words.

website words

↓

Yeah, who reads fine print?

print reads

↓

- There's a website? - There's a website, yeah,

website

↓

- for the university. - Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it university

↓

That old bitch took advantage of me.

advantage bitch

↓

What old bitch? What are you talking about?

bitch

↓

[stammers] The Noth-- Nobody.

nobody stammers

↓

[Charlie] Yo, what's up?

charlie

↓

Hey, Charlie! Hey, did you get your diagnosis?

charlie diagnosis

↓

Uh, why? I'm not sick, you know what I mean?

sick

↓

I don't need some teacher talking a bunch of words at me

bunch teacher words

↓

telling me what I am, 'cause I'm good, dude.

telling

↓

Yeah, what is the point of all this, you know?

point

↓

- School. - Look, we are who we are.

school

↓

- No diagnosis is gonna change that. - I am what I am.

change diagnosis

↓

Look, if you want more information about yourself,

information

↓

hey, that's fine, good on you,

↓

but I don't need to take a test or get a diagnosis to find out how smart I am.

diagnosis smart test

↓

- I know I'm smart. Know what I mean? - I like that.

smart

↓

- Yeah, I got what you were going for. - Yo. Let's get out of here.

↓

- Oh, dude, how's that kid doing? - Yeah?

↓

Oh, not good. He failed the most important test in life.

failed life test

↓

- Which is what? - Don't do a bunch of shit

bunch

↓

some guy you just met tells you to do.

tells

↓

- Of course. - I mean, that's common sense.

common common-sense course sense

↓

- [Dee] Yeah. - Who does that?

↓

- Street smarts. - I diagnose you as dumb, kid.

dumb smarts street street-smarts

↓

- Dumb. - Yeah.

dumb

↓

He did everything I told him to do.

↓

You know, you definitely don't need a rocket surgeon to tell you that.

rocket surgeon

↓

Right. Wait, did you say "rocket surgeon"?

rocket surgeon

↓

I don't know. You know what I meant.

meant

↓

I'm still coming off the crack. Just give me a break.

break coming crack

↓

Hey, Dennis, you didn't put anything into my ear, did you?

dennis

↓

[♪ Jude Cole's "Back to School" plays]

plays school

↓

♪ It's your life And I'm not gonna live it ♪

life live

↓

♪ A change is coming And it's overdue ♪

change coming overdue

↓

♪ I'm gonna take you Over the limit ♪

limit

↓

♪ You know I'm only Looking out for you ♪

looking

↓

♪ I'll be there When you're gettin' it right ♪

gettin

↓

♪ That's the beauty Of living my life ♪

beauty life living

↓

♪ Hold on, baby, I'm takin' you back to school ♪

baby school takin

↓

♪ When logic fails Don't lose your head ♪

fails head logic lose

↓

♪ You just turn to me instead ♪

↓

♪ Hold on, baby, now here we go back ♪

baby