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Home » Billy Madison » S01E01 — Billy Madison

Billy Madison

Season 1, Episode 1 — Billy Madison

↓

~ Suntan lotion is good for me

lotion

↓

~ You protect me

protect

↓

~ Tee-hee-hee

↓

Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but you won't let it, will ya?

burn tries

↓

Ultraviolet rays - bad. Lotion - good.

lotion rays

↓

(blows raspberries )

blows

↓

Smiley.

smiley

↓

There's something important I was supposed to do today.

supposed today

↓

Have five daiquiris?

five

↓

No, you remembered to do that.

remembered

↓

Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember.

drinks remember

↓

- What's today? - October?

october today

↓

It's nudie-magazine day!

magazine

↓

Yeah!

↓

Watch out, butler!

butler watch

↓

Ooh, you're a quick one.

quick

↓

Nudie-magazine day! Nudie-magazine day!

magazine

↓

Nudie-magazine day! Nudie...

magazine

↓

Agh! Ooh!

↓

Ooh.

↓

Eee...

↓

Ah!

↓

Oh!

↓

(squawking )

squawking

↓

Holy jeez!

holy jeez

↓

Lookee what we got here. That silly penguin is back again.

lookee silly

↓

No, Mr Madison, there no penguin. You got too much sun today.

madison today

↓

- There no penguin! - (squawks )

↓

It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around here.

walkin

↓

I gotta send him back to the South Pole.

pole send south

↓

No!

↓

Penguin! Don't you dare run away!

dare

↓

Come here, Mr Penguin!

↓

I'm one of the good guys, penguin.

↓

Don't run! Oh. Oh...

↓

Don't run!

↓

Don't run from me!

↓

Penguin!

↓

Penguin.

↓

You're a bad penguin.

↓

Whee-hee!

whee

↓

Call the zoo!

↓

All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin.

↓

They'll treat you real respectable, like.

real respectable treat

↓

There's nothing to worry about, big fella.

fella worry

↓

Here I come!

↓

Right this way, gentlemen. Mr Madison is expecting you.

expecting gentlemen madison

↓

Leg.

↓

Billy! You shouldn't pull that crap in front of your father's business associates.

associates billy business fathers front pull

↓

Now you get yourself upstairs and get ready. Dinner's in 15 minutes.

dinners minutes ready upstairs

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - Don't ''yeah, yeah'' me, boy.

↓

This is a very important dinner. You best be there.

best dinner

↓

I will. Thank you, Juanita.

↓

You gotta dress yourself up and look nice, too.

dress

↓

Oh, that boy's a fine piece of work all right.

boys piece

↓

He's a fine piece of ass though, too.

piece

↓

Where the hell is he? I'm starvin'.

starvin

↓

I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car. You should've had some.

crackers shouldve

↓

If you'd told me there were Triscuit crackers,...

crackers

↓

- ..I could've enjoyed them with you. - I'm sorry.

couldve enjoyed

↓

Sorry doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach, does it, Carl?

carl crackers stomach

↓

Gentlemen? I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

gentlemen waiting

↓

Have you all met? Eric Gordon, my executive vice president.

eric executive gordon president vice vice-president

↓

And our operations manager Carl Alphonse. Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

carl gentlemen manager operations

↓

Beautiful table.

table

↓

Good seeing you, sir.

seeing

↓

Where's Billy?

billy

↓

Juanita said he'd be down in a few minutes.

minutes

↓

I'm sure you'll all be very impressed.

impressed

↓

Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair.

clean hair shampoo

↓

Conditioner is better.

conditioner

↓

I leave the hair silky and smooth.

hair smooth

↓

Oh, really, fool? Really!

fool

↓

Stop looking at me, swan.

looking swan

↓

(slurps )

slurps

↓

- Hey, Carl, what's up? - Nothing much, Billy.

billy carl

↓

- I see you got a little sun today. - You think so?

today

↓

- I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours. - Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

asleep fall fall-asleep fell fell-asleep hours pass pool

↓

Shut up!

↓

That's enough, Billy. Because you took your sweet-ass time coming down here,...

billy coming sweet

↓

..these gentlemen will miss their flights.

flights gentlemen miss

↓

Well, this guy can stay in my room, I'll tell you that much.

room

↓

Billy? Eat your soup.

billy soup

↓

It's good soup.

soup

↓

Gentlemen, I can't thank you enough for coming this evening.

coming evening gentlemen

↓

(yells gibberish )

gibberish yells

↓

Please, Billy, please, no gibberish tonight, please. I beg you.

billy gibberish tonight

↓

Sorry, Daddy.

daddy

↓

This is a big night for me tonight, gents. I have an important announcement.

announcement gents night tonight

↓

(fast gibberish )

fast gibberish

↓

That's it, Billy! Get the hell outta here!

billy outta

↓

(slow gibberish )

gibberish slow

↓

- Nice talkin' to you, Billy. - (singsong gibberish )

billy gibberish talkin

↓

(yells )

yells

↓

Right. One, two, three!

three

↓

Hey, Billy, how come you ain't poundin' any tonight?

aint billy tonight

↓

I don't know. My dad was yellin' at me. I'm just not in the mood.

mood

↓

Hey, Billy, who would you rather bone, Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?

billy bone jack ryan

↓

Jack Nicholson now, or 197 4?

jack

↓

'7 4.

↓

- Meg Ryan. - Go.

ryan

↓

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

↓

Oh, my God! I am the winner!

winner

↓

- Billy is not an idiot. - I'm not saying he's an idiot.

billy idiot

↓

I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune 500 company.

company fortune mature might

↓

My late wife Emily and I started this company...

company emily late started wife

↓

..with a 15-unit motel in Patchogue, Long Island.

island motel unit

↓

We built it into 650 hotels.

built hotels

↓

Our dream was to one day turn it over to our only son Billy.

billy dream

↓

- How many people work for Madison? - 61,000 and change.

change madison

↓

How long will they have jobs once Billy has the hotel operator speaking gibberish?

billy gibberish hotel jobs operator speaking

↓

Oh, Billy, Billy boy.

billy

↓

When are you gonna find whatever it is you're lookin' for?

lookin

↓

Here's a nice piece of shit.

piece

↓

My, oh, my. Wait till old man Clemens realises it's a bag of shit.

till

↓

He's gonna shit when he realises it's shit.

↓

Who got the lighter?

lighter

↓

Come on.

↓

Light it.

light

↓

(rings doorbell)

doorbell rings

↓

Oh, my God! Old man Clemens hates shit!

hates

↓

Shh. Here he comes!

comes

↓

Who the hell is it? What do you want?

↓

Judas Priest, Barbara! One of those flaming bags again!

bags barbara flaming priest

↓

(Barbara ) Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.

barbara boots

↓

Don't tell me my business, devil woman.

business devil devil-woman woman

↓

Call the fire department. This one's outta control(!)

control department fire fire-department ones outta

↓

(sniffs )

sniffs

↓

It's poop again!

poop

↓

He called the shit ''poop''!

called poop

↓

This is the best night of my life!

best life night

↓

I'll get you damn kids for this! You're all gonna die!

kids

↓

Billy, could you step in here for a moment?

billy moment step

↓

I have big news.

news

↓

Eric is pregnant! Congratulations, Dippy!

congratulations eric pregnant

↓

Feel those kicks! He's gonna be a soccer player. He is.

kicks player soccer

↓

He is.

↓

All right, what's up?

↓

I've had to face some hard truths tonight, Billy.

billy face hard tonight truths

↓

Do we have to do this with Captain Dipshit here?

captain dipshit

↓

You were brought up with every advantage. I bought you everything.

advantage bought brought

↓

Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...

cars clothes toys vacations

↓

Actually, I stole this shirt from Frank.

frank shirt stole

↓

Yeah, well, whatever. It's all my fault. I made a mistake.

fault mistake

↓

Jeez, what...? Are you some damned moron?

damned jeez moron

↓

Can't you just stop for two seconds?

seconds

↓

I'm trying to tell you that I'm retiring, and Eric, not you,...

eric retiring

↓

- ..is gonna take over Madison Hotels. - Eric?!

eric hotels madison

↓

You're gonna give the company to Eric? He is a bad, bad man!

company eric

↓

What do you care, Billy? What do you care who I appoint to run the company, huh?

billy care company

↓

I mean, I'm doin' you a favour. You don't ever have to look for a job.

doin favour

↓

You can sit around all day, goofing off, sipping drinks, chasing invisible penguins.

chasing drinks goofing invisible penguins sipping

↓

Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?

↓

- Penguin? - What an idiot.

idiot

↓

You know, I could help Billy until he gets the hang of it.

billy hang

↓

I think crazy Carl is right. I mean, I can do this if I set my mind to it.

carl crazy mind

↓

High school was a pain in the ass, but I graduated.

graduated pain school

↓

Because I paid your teachers to give you decent grades.

decent grades paid teachers

↓

I've regretted it every day since. I thought at the time...

↓

..if you could get good grades, you might get into a good college...

college grades might

↓

- ..and straighten yourself out. - I don't believe that.

believe straighten

↓

Well, what do you believe? That you were an honours student?

believe student

↓

How could I hand over my company to someone who couldn't even get through school on his own?

company hand school

↓

I don't know. Don't think about it. Just hand it over.

hand

↓

Forget it.

forget

↓

Well, listen, don't you think you better go to bed? Big day tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

A day filled with daiquiris and Nintendos and jack-off magazines...

filled jack magazines

↓

Dad!

↓

Yeah, what?

↓

Give me one more chance. I'll prove I can take over.

chance prove

↓

I'll do anything it takes. I'll go back to high school and take the exams again.

exams school takes

↓

- I'll get my diploma all by myself. - Billy, Billy, it wasn't just high school.

billy diploma school

↓

Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade?

grade remember spelling

↓

- No, you didn't. - Rock.

rock

↓

R-o-k.

↓

Yeah? So what's your point?

point

↓

- R-o-c-k! - The C is silent.

silent

↓

OK, all right.

↓

All right, you got it. First grade through 12th grade all over again.

grade

↓

I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the tests, regraduate,...

grade tests weeks

↓

..prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.

hotels idiot madison prove

↓

That's some idea.

idea

↓

- You just think of that? - Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?

↓

Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels...

brian future hotels madison

↓

..and its 61,000 employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?

employees gamble game

↓

No.

↓

You're on. Carl, you make the arrangements.

carl

↓

You pass every grade before June 15 and you take over instead of Eric.

eric grade june pass

↓

Have a nice weekend, son. You start school on Monday.

monday school start weekend

↓

Oh!

↓

Give 'em hell, Bill.

bill

↓

Nice try, asswipe. But you're just delaying the inevitable.

inevitable

↓

(~ 'I'll Tumble 4 Ya' by Culture Club )

club culture tumble

↓

~ Downtown we'll drown, we're in our never splendour

downtown drown

↓

~ Flowers, showers

flowers showers

↓

~ Who's got the new boy gender?

gender

↓

~ I'll be your baby, I'll be your score

baby score

↓

~ I'll run the gun for you and so much more

↓

~ I'll tumble for ya

tumble

↓

~ I'll tumble for ya

tumble

↓

~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble for you

tumble

↓

~ I'll tumble for ya

tumble

↓

~ I'll tumble for ya

tumble

↓

~ I'll tumble for ya, I'll tumble

tumble

↓

~ I get a crazy feeling that chases in my head

crazy feeling head

↓

~ It's nothing that you do to me, it's nothing that you said

↓

Where's my Snack Pack?

pack snack

↓

You've got a banana. You don't need no Snack Pack.

banana pack snack

↓

You know I like Snack Pack. Why can't you give me a Snack Pack?!

pack snack

↓

I thought I was your Snack Pack.

pack snack

↓

- What are you talkin' about? - Nothin'.

nothin talkin

↓

Bill, you're gonna miss the bus.

bill miss

↓

Yeah, you better get your beautiful buns up that driveway.

buns driveway

↓

- What a weirdo! - (Juanita laughs )

laughs weirdo

↓

~ Oh, back to school

school

↓

~ Back to school

school

↓

~ To prove to Dad that I'm not a fool

fool prove

↓

~ I got my lunch packed up

lunch packed

↓

~ My boots tied tight

boots tied tight

↓

~ I hope I don't get in a fight

fight hope

↓

~ Oh, back to school

school

↓

~ Back to school, back to school...

school

↓

Well, here goes nothin'.

nothin

↓

Thank you, Daddy.

daddy

↓

- Hi. How you doin'? - Fine.

doin

↓

Are you going to class today, too?

class class-today today

↓

I'll be going to class to teach. How about you?

class teach

↓

I'll be going to learn.

learn

↓

Ah. You must be Billy Madison.

billy madison must

↓

Yes, I am.

↓

Don't you think it's pathetic that because of your father you get to do school again?

father pathetic school

↓

- Yes, I do. - Well, as long as you know.

↓

Well, all right!

↓

(bell rings )

bell bell-rings rings

↓

(children shrieking )

children shrieking

↓

Hey, mister, guess what I had for breakfast.

breakfast mister

↓

- What? - Beans.

beans

↓

Scotty likes beans, don't you, Scotty?

beans likes scotty

↓

- Hey. How you doin'? - Let's involve the class.

class doin involve

↓

Quiet down, my special people.

quiet special

↓

I want you all to meet...

meet

↓

..our new friend Billy.

billy friend

↓

- Can everyone say hello to Billy? - Hello, Billy.

billy

↓

Hi.

↓

Billy is going to be sharing our fun and learning for the next two weeks.

billy fun learning sharing weeks

↓

Billy is special, just like each and every one of you.

billy special

↓

And what do we do to our special people?

special

↓

All right. All right.

↓

Billy, why don't you take a seat right up front here?

billy front seat

↓

And we can start story time.

start story

↓

You got a misshaped head.

head

↓

Thank you.

↓

The Puppy Who Lost His Way by Chrissy Taylor.

chrissy lost puppy taylor

↓

''One fine morning...

morning

↓

..a puppy popped his puppy paws out of his puppy house.''

house paws popped puppy

↓

''This was no ordinary puppy.''

ordinary puppy

↓

''This puppy was the happiest puppy in the whole world.''

happiest puppy whole whole-world world

↓

''In fact, his name was Happy. Happy looked through the bushes...''

bushes fact happy looked name

↓

'''I'll never let you get lost again', cried the little boy,...

cried lost

↓

..who was so happy that he gave Happy a kiss...

happy kiss

↓

..on his wet little puppy nose.''

nose puppy

↓

''The end.''

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like...

miss part story whoa

↓

..is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour.

happy hour looking

↓

He didn't put posters up. He just sat on the porch like a goon and waited.

goon porch posters waited

↓

That little boy's gotta think: you got a pet, you got a responsibility.

boys responsibility

↓

If your dog gets lost, you don't look for an hour then call it quits.

hour lost

↓

You get your ass out there and you find that fuckin' dog!

fuckin

↓

I think it's time to play dodge ball.

ball dodge

↓

You're out! O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

(sitar music )

music

↓

Billy. What are you doing back?

billy

↓

I'm out.

↓

Well, that just means you stay off to the side until a new game starts.

game side starts

↓

That's OK. I'm kinda tired anyway. I'll just sit here and colour or something.

colour kinda tired

↓

Billy, dodge-ball time is a special time.

ball billy dodge special

↓

Not just for you boys and girls, but for Miss Lippy, too. So stay outside.

boys girls miss

↓

(children ) Whoa!

children whoa

↓

Now you're all in big, big trouble.

trouble

↓

(~ 'Beat on the Brat' by the Ramones )

beat brat ramones

↓

You're out!

↓

Oh, yeah!

↓

(bell rings )

bell bell-rings rings

↓

Lunchtime!

lunchtime

↓

I bet that Snack Pack's pretty good.

packs snack

↓

Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana?

banana rest trade

↓

You know how badly I can beat you, right?

badly beat

↓

Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis is the best video game ever.

best game video video-game

↓

I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.

best disagree donkey game kong

↓

- Donkey Kong sucks. - You know somethin'? You suck.

donkey kong somethin suck sucks

↓

~ Number one, number one

number

↓

~ Now my song has just begun

begun song

↓

~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum

john

↓

~ Hey, what country folk we be

country folk

↓

~ Number two, number two

number

↓

~ Roosters crow, cock-a-doodle-doodle-doo

cock crow doodle

↓

~ With a rum tum taddelum, Old John Braddelum

john

↓

~ Hey, what countryfolk we be

↓

~ Number three, number three

number number-three three

↓

~ I like you and you like me

↓

Hey! That's very nice of you to pick up your little brother here at school.

brother pick school

↓

He's not my brother. He's my son.

brother

↓

- You gotta be kiddin' me. - Mom, that's Billy. He's in my class.

billy class kiddin

↓

I heard he's retarded or something.

heard retarded

↓

(laughs )

laughs

↓

Creative mind. Maybe someday he'll make Mommy and Daddy a lot of money.

creative daddy mind mommy money someday

↓

Daddy's in prison, and he won't be home for a long time.

daddys home prison

↓

My dear Lord.

dear dear-lord lord

↓

Yeah! Yeah, well, I gotta get goin' right now. I gotta get on the bus.

goin

↓

I ride the bus for the city and watch the bus drivers.

city drivers ride watch

↓

This programme to make sure they turn the wheels right...

programme wheels

↓

Billy, you forgot your stuff.

billy forgot stuff

↓

Come on, honey.

honey

↓

Thank you very much, Miss Lippy!

miss

↓

- (phone rings ) - Yes.

phone phone-rings rings

↓

- (secretary ) Brian Madison for you. - Tell him I'm out to lunch.

brian lunch madison secretary

↓

Billy Madison.

billy madison

↓

A buffoon. And yet a threat to my eventual takeover of this company.

buffoon company threat

↓

A menace. And what do we do with a menace?

menace

↓

We eliminate it. We eliminate Billy Madison.

billy eliminate madison

↓

- Tricia Labonte? - Here.

↓

- Scotty Logan? - Here.

scotty

↓

- Billy Madison? - (blows raspberry )

billy blows blows-raspberry madison raspberry

↓

(laughing )

laughing

↓

Hm...

↓

Hey. Look at all this milk.

milk

↓

- You want some of this milk? - That milk belongs to that classroom.

belongs classroom milk

↓

Oh. They don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.

milk

↓

No milk will ever be our milk.

milk

↓

Ooh. That wasn't very nice.

↓

How 'bout you, sideburns? You want some of this milk?

bout milk

↓

Rather have a beer.

beer

↓

I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before...

blue drew duck seen

↓

..and, to be honest with ya, I wanted to see a blue duck.

blue duck honest wanted

↓

Well, it's an excellent blue duck.

blue duck excellent

↓

Congratulations. You just passed the first grade.

congratulations grade passed

↓

Oh, Miss Lippy, that's so great.

miss

↓

What do you think of that, Mr Blue Duck?

blue duck

↓

That's quack-tastic!

quack tastic

↓

Wow! Look at all that candy!

candy

↓

Rolex!

↓

- Thanks for the watch, Billy. - You're welcome, buddy.

billy buddy thanks watch welcome

↓

This is great. When I graduated first grade all my father did was tell me to get a job.

father grade graduated

↓

(braying )

↓

Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer, get it all messed up?

beer donkey feed messed

↓

- Maybe later. - I'll go put some beer in a bucket.

beer bucket

↓

- OK. - Hey there, Mr Graduate. How's it goin'?

goin graduate

↓

(Eric ) Go!

eric

↓

Come on, kid! Get up! Get up!

↓

You're humiliating yourself! Get up!

humiliating

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

whoa

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

So he's passed first grade and he's moved on to second. Whoop-de-do.

grade moved passed second whoop

↓

Any more information, Rollo?

information

↓

Billy likes to drink soda.

billy drink likes soda

↓

Miss Lippy's car is green.

green miss

↓

And now we have just two students left.

left students

↓

Bath.

bath

↓

Bath.

bath

↓

B-a-t-h.

↓

- Bath. - Correct!

bath correct

↓

Bath - that's a little easy. Why don't you just give her the trophy?

bath easy trophy

↓

Cheese.

cheese

↓

Cheese.

cheese

↓

C-h-e-e-s-e.

↓

- Cheese. - Correct.

cheese correct

↓

- Couch. - Couch.

couch

↓

C...

↓

C-o...

↓

- W? - No!

↓

No, I'm sorry, that's not right.

↓

(laughs )

laughs

↓

Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly, you pass second grade.

billy correctly grade pass second spell

↓

Couch.

couch

↓

C...

↓

Cou...

↓

Cou...

↓

C-o...

↓

R... Are you going to the mall later? That's what I'm asking.

asking mall

↓

No, I am not going to the mall. Keep spelling, mister.

mall mister spelling

↓

C-o-u...

↓

..c-h?

↓

Correct!

correct

↓

I am the smartest man alive!

alive smartest

↓

(squealing )

squealing

↓

Is he gonna have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?

grade party passes stupid

↓

(Carl) Everybody's having a good time but you.

carl everybodys having

↓

Spoilt snot. Get outta here.

outta snot

↓

Let me ask you something, Carl. You started here, what, 25 years ago?

carl started years

↓

Night bellboy at the Philadelphia Madison?

madison night philadelphia

↓

After all your hard work, how would you feel working for some punk kid like Billy?

billy hard punk working

↓

Could be worse.

worse

↓

That's nice.

↓

Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,...

easy grade nervous second

↓

..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough.

division social studies tough

↓

Man, I'm so nervous. First and second grade were easy,...

easy grade nervous second

↓

..but social studies, division? This is gonna be tough.

division social studies tough

↓

Relax, dude.

relax

↓

Jackpot.

jackpot

↓

- Good morning, class. - Good morning, Miss Vaughn.

class miss morning vaughn

↓

We're gonna start today by reading a short story entitled ''My Sister Fanny''.

entitled fanny reading short sister start story today

↓

Quiet.

quiet

↓

OK, so let's all open up our Reading is Fun books to page 69.

books fun open page reading

↓

69!

↓

Class, say hello to Billy Madison.

billy class madison

↓

Hello, Billy Madison.

billy madison

↓

Billy is a nuisance. He will be gone in two weeks.

billy gone weeks

↓

I apologise for this inconvenience.

apologise inconvenience

↓

- Jeez! What's up her butt? - What was that, Billy?

billy butt jeez

↓

I said ''Reading is good.''

reading

↓

Can we start the story now?

start story

↓

Dan, you may begin.

begin

↓

''O... o... once...

↓

..th... th... there w... was...

↓

..a g... g... girl...

girl

↓

..who w...''

↓

- He can't even read. - Cut it out, dude.

read

↓

You're gonna get us in trouble.

trouble

↓

''..p... p... p... p...''

↓

T... t... t... today, junior!

junior today

↓

Ow! You're tearing my ear off!

tearing

↓

Making fun of a kid for trying to read. Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?

fun psycho read soul

↓

I'm sorry. I can't hear you. I've been physically abused in the ear.

abused physically

↓

Keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story.

fail mouth story weeks

↓

I see your lips movin', but I can't make out your words. I'm deaf.

deaf lips movin words

↓

Oh, Veronica Vaughn. So hot.

vaughn veronica

↓

Want to touch the heinie.

touch

↓

(howls )

howls

↓

So that girlie I've been chasin'? Turns out she's my third-grade teacher.

girlie grade teacher third turns

↓

First thing she does is kick me out of her class.

class kick

↓

Maybe she feels she has to make an example of you.

example feels

↓

- Or she's got somethin' up her ass. - That's what I said.

somethin

↓

- Poor Billy. - I'm so depressed.

billy depressed poor

↓

- Want me to take my shirt off for you? - No, thank you.

shirt

↓

OK, baby. But remember, the offer is on the table.

baby offer remember table

↓

Oh, yes. Oh, my.

↓

Oh, God, yes.

↓

- Lordy. - Billy Madison.

billy madison

↓

Uh-huh?

↓

Would you like to try writing some words in cursive on the blackboard today?

today words writing

↓

OK. Sure.

↓

OK, how about the word ''dugout''?

word

↓

OK, good. How about ''bunt''?

↓

Bunt. B-u-n-t.

↓

In perfect cursive. Any more brain-busters?

brain busters perfect

↓

Rizzuto.

↓

Z... Z...

↓

Rirruto?

↓

Those are Zs.

↓

They look like Rs to me.

↓

That's not fair! Rizzuto is not a word. He's a baseball player. You're cheating.

baseball cheating fair player word

↓

Would you like to try the word ''buzz''?

buzz word

↓

(children laugh )

children laugh

↓

I hate cursive and I hate all of you!

hate

↓

I'm never comin' back to school! Never!

comin school

↓

(children laugh )

children laugh

↓

(Juanita ) Billy!

billy

↓

I swear, I'm sick. I can't go to school.

school sick swear

↓

If you're gonna stay home today, you could help me shave my armpits.

home home-today shave today

↓

Oh, my God! I'll go to school.

school

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

- What's goin' on? - Miss Vaughn's sick.

goin miss sick

↓

(teacher claps )

claps teacher

↓

Please take your seats.

seats

↓

- Who's that guy? - Principal Anderson.

anderson principal

↓

As you can tell, Miss Vaughn is not feeling well today, so I'll be taking her place.

feeling miss place today vaughn

↓

But don't get your hopes up, because I plan on teaching,...

hopes plan teaching

↓

..so I hope you plan on learning.

hope learning plan

↓

Now, who can tell me where we are in our social-studies reader?

reader social studies

↓

Yes?

↓

Michael?

michael

↓

Excuse me. What's that in your hand?

excuse hand

↓

Bring that note up to me.

bring note

↓

(class ) Ooh.

class

↓

Now let's see what couldn't wait till after class.

class till

↓

''We're so lucky to have Principal Anderson substituting.''

anderson lucky principal

↓

''Now we have the privilege of staring at that tub of lard all day long''?

privilege staring

↓

''If I were him, I would walk my fat ass right into oncoming traffic.''

traffic walk

↓

Oh, man, Billy, I just thought of the funniest thing.

billy funniest

↓

Billy?

billy

↓

- Where's Billy? - He's in school, man.

billy school

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

(~ 'I'm Not the One' by the Cars )

cars

↓

~ I'm not the one

↓

~ That you'll be shootin' for

↓

~ I'm not the one

↓

~ Who's coming back for more

coming

↓

~ You know why

↓

~ We've been through this too many times

times

↓

~ You know why

↓

~ It's never clear it's pantomime

clear

↓

I don't wanna sound like a weirdo, but I kinda missed Miss Vaughn today.

kinda miss missed sound today vaughn weirdo

↓

- Why? Do you like her or something? - No!

↓

- Why? Did she say she likes me? - Not to me.

likes

↓

Well, let's find out.

↓

Uh, hello?

↓

Um, is this Miss Vaughn?

miss vaughn

↓

Oh, hi. It's Ernie from class.

class ernie

↓

(whispers ) Ask her if she has a boyfriend.

boyfriend whispers

↓

Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you have a boyfriend?

boyfriend miss vaughn

↓

(whispers ) No.

whispers

↓

- Ask her... - Shh!

↓

Ask her if she likes anybody from class, like, more than a friend.

anybody class friend likes

↓

Uh, Miss Vaughn, do you like anybody in class more than a friend?

anybody class friend miss vaughn

↓

(whispers ) No.

whispers

↓

Ask her if she would ever go out with somebody from class.

class somebody

↓

- No! - Just do it!

↓

Um, Miss Vaughn, would you ever go out with anybody from class?

anybody class miss vaughn

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

You see, Ernie, grown-ups like to go out with other grown-ups.

ernie grown

↓

- What about Billy? - You're more of a grown-up than Billy.

billy grown

↓

- I'll give you a grown-up. - What was that, Ernie?

ernie grown

↓

(high-pitched) Nothing. See you tomorrow in class, Miss Vaughn.

class miss pitched tomorrow vaughn

↓

You blew it!

blew

↓

Hey, I dare you to throw your sandwich at the bus driver.

dare driver sandwich throw

↓

(children ) Do it. Come on.

children

↓

Hey!

↓

Hey, who threw that?

threw

↓

I'll turn this damn bus around.

↓

That'll end your precious little field trip pretty damn quick, huh?

field field-trip precious quick thatll trip

↓

Bullshit.

bullshit

↓

Hey, I'm tryin' to score points with the teacher today. Don't screw it up!

points score screw teacher today tryin

↓

I dare you to touch her boobs.

boobs dare touch

↓

Touch her boobs? That's assault, brother.

assault boobs brother touch

↓

Ya double-dare me?

dare double

↓

Miss Vaughn, how long till we get there?

miss till vaughn

↓

- I have to go to the bathroom. - Probably about two minutes.

bathroom minutes

↓

Sorry about that. Damn guy drives like an animal.

animal drives

↓

That's all right, Billy. Why don't you go back and sit down now?

billy

↓

- OK. - I double-dare you.

dare double

↓

Da... I... Accident...

accident

↓

Mistake... Tit...

mistake

↓

- Go sit down now. - Yes.

↓

(children giggle )

children giggle

↓

Yeah, here we go again. Another treat from the road.

another road treat

↓

Grand, ripe banana. Trick of the day. Great...

banana grand ripe trick

↓

(woman ) What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do?

woman

↓

Are there any horse socks?

horse socks

↓

Is anybody listening to me?

anybody listening

↓

Anyways, I am sorry about what happened back there,...

anyways happened

↓

..but you have to admit, I've been tryin' to be good lately.

admit lately tryin

↓

Well, you're not the first person that's tried to grab my chest.

chest grab person tried

↓

I'm trying not to hold you to a higher standard than the rest of the students.

higher rest standard students

↓

Although maybe I should. You are, what, 50?

↓

No, but the other kids look up to me. I don't want them to think I'm a coward.

coward kids

↓

Don't worry about it. Next week you're gonna have another teacher to annoy.

annoy another teacher week worry

↓

I don't want to annoy another teacher, Miss Vaughn. I want to annoy you.

annoy another miss teacher vaughn

↓

- Miss Vaughn! - Somebody stole all our lunches.

lunches miss somebody stole vaughn

↓

Who would steal 30 bagged lunches?

bagged lunches steal

↓

I'll tell you who took those lunches.

lunches

↓

That damn sasquatch.

↓

Well, I guess that's it. OK, everybody! Back on the bus!

everybody

↓

- Hey, what's with Ernie? - I don't know. I'll be right back.

ernie

↓

Hey, Ernie, what's up?

ernie

↓

Nothing.

↓

You fallen in love with the wall or somethin'?

fallen love somethin wall

↓

- I had an accident. - An accident. What does that mean?

accident

↓

Ooh!

↓

Oh, I know. OK. Uh...

↓

Don't worry, buddy. You hang tight. I'll be right back.

buddy hang tight worry

↓

Hey, look, everybody! Billy peed his pants!

billy everybody pants peed

↓

Of course I peed my pants. Everybody my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

coolest course everybody pants peed

↓

- Really? - Yes!

↓

You ain't cool unless you pee your pants.

aint cool pants

↓

- Wow. - Hey, man, Ernie peed his pants too.

ernie pants peed

↓

All right!

↓

If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

consider cool davis miles pants peeing

↓

Oh!

↓

That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go!

heard life

↓

Get on the bus here.

↓

Move it. Get up there, Kyle.

kyle

↓

One, two, five, seven.

five seven

↓

Move it or lose it. Get on the b...

lose

↓

Hi, Miss Vaughn. Nice to see ya.

miss vaughn

↓

That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass.

piece vaughn veronica

↓

I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.

experience

↓

No, you don't.

↓

Well, not me personally, but a guy I know. Him and her got it on.

personally

↓

Whoo-ee!

whoo

↓

No, they didn't.

↓

No, no, no, they didn't.

↓

But you can imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh?

imagine

↓

Everybody on? Good, great, grand, wonderful!

everybody grand

↓

No yelling on the bus!

yelling

↓

~ Billy passed the third grade

billy grade passed third third-grade

↓

~ Oh, what a glorious day

glorious

↓

~ Oh, passin' third grade

grade third third-grade

↓

~ The Billy Madison way

billy madison

↓

Yeah!

↓

Rock on! Yes!

rock

↓

(boy ) Stop it.

↓

Who are you? I don't even know you. Go away, mister. Stop it.

mister

↓

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

↓

- Look! She came! - And she came too.

↓

The mucus queen is yours.

mucus queen

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Hi!

↓

Oh, gosh. Oh, thank you.

gosh

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Snack Pack! You're the coolest!

coolest pack snack

↓

- Those should last you the weekend. - Thank you very much.

weekend

↓

- Billy is on the right track. - He's on track all right.

billy track

↓

He's headed right down the toilet.

headed toilet

↓

Easy.

easy

↓

You still don't think he's gonna make it?

↓

Trust me, Carl, baby. I know he's not gonna make it.

baby carl trust

↓

Would you excuse me for a second?

excuse second

↓

Who will help me destroy Billy Madison?

billy destroy madison

↓

Who?

↓

You know, that was really sweet, the way you helped Ernie out yesterday.

ernie helped sweet yesterday

↓

He would have done the same for me.

↓

So what's it like being back in school?

school

↓

I don't know. I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes.

idiot kinda sometimes

↓

Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

idiot kinda works

↓

Is it just you and your dad in here?

↓

Well, actually, no. There's Juanita, and some maids and butlers and stuff.

butlers stuff

↓

And people who work for my dad are always stoppin' by.

↓

And my friends are always sleepin' over, even when I didn't ask 'em to.

friends

↓

- Sounds like a hotel. - It kinda is. It can be distracting.

distracting hotel kinda sounds

↓

That's why I moved out here.

moved

↓

Wow.

↓

This is where I've been spending most of my time lately.

lately spending

↓

Not exactly roughing it, are you?

↓

Those are, uh... They come with the tent, so...

tent

↓

Oh, wow. A Tale of Two Cities. I don't think we're up to that one yet.

cities tale

↓

I can understand nine words in that book now.

book nine words

↓

So, it's, um... the last day of third grade.

grade third third-grade

↓

And you have the teacher, alone, in your tent.

alone teacher tent

↓

What do you wanna do?

↓

Well, I can think of three things I'd like to do.

three

↓

One would involve some ice cubes and a nine-iron.

cubes involve iron nine

↓

- Two would include a buffalo. - Really?

buffalo include

↓

Live or stuffed. Preferably stuffed, for safety's sake.

live safetys sake stuffed

↓

Three: we'd bring back some of those ice cubes,...

bring cubes three

↓

..but switch it over to a pitching wedge.

pitching switch wedge

↓

How you guys doin'?

doin

↓

Hey! Carl! Good to see you!

carl

↓

This is Veronica, my teacher. That's Carl.

carl teacher veronica

↓

Very pleased to meet you. Bill, I think Eric is up to something.

bill eric meet pleased

↓

- Who's Eric? - He works for my dad too.

eric works

↓

He gets the company if I screw up. He's a douchebag.

company douchebag screw

↓

He made some menacing comments to me, and then he did that little weasel laugh.

comments laugh menacing weasel

↓

- Yeah. How does that laugh go again? - You know. (laughs )

laugh laughs

↓

- Very good. It sounded just like him. - Thanks.

sounded thanks

↓

Well, I'm sure he's got something up his sleeve.

sleeve

↓

- Thanks, buddy. - No problem.

buddy problem thanks

↓

(~ 'ABC' by the Jackson 5)

jackson

↓

~ You went to school to learn, girl

girl learn school

↓

~ Things you never, never knew before...

↓

(teacher ) The most densely populated part of the US is along the eastern seaboard.

along eastern part teacher

↓

We're gonna talk about why that is over the next few minutes.

minutes

↓

We all know what a census is, don't we? That's like taking a census...

↓

You know, yeah. Pick it up and gimme...

pick

↓

You want some of this?

↓

Oh, my dear Lord!

dear dear-lord lord

↓

You never leave me open, son, cos I'm gonna hit it every time.

open

↓

You want some more of that? I didn't think so!

↓

~ Reading, writing, arithmetic are the branches of the learning tree

branches learning reading tree writing

↓

~ But without the roots of love every day, girl

girl love roots

↓

~ Your education ain't complete

aint complete education

↓

~ Teacher's gonna show you

teachers

↓

~ How to get an A

↓

~ How to spell 'me', 'you' and add the two

spell

↓

~ Listen to me, baby, that's all you gotta do

baby

↓

~ ABC

↓

~ It's easy as 1-2-3

easy

↓

~ As simple as do-re-mi, ABC...

simple

↓

(belches the alphabet )

belches

↓

All right, stop before I throw up.

throw

↓

Hey, Billy, you wanna go play soccer with us after school?

billy school soccer

↓

No, I got a test on Friday. I'll play with you guys next week.

friday test week

↓

- Next week you'll be in ninth grade. - Yeah, high school.

grade ninth school week

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

You aren't gonna wanna hang round with a bunch of dumb elementary-school kids.

bunch dumb elementary hang kids round school school-kids

↓

That's not true. I'll come and visit you guys all the time.

visit

↓

Yeah, to see your girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

(boys ) Whooo!

boys

↓

(cackling )

cackling

↓

Have some more Sloppy Joes.

joes sloppy

↓

I made 'em extra sloppy for yous.

extra sloppy yous

↓

I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy.

kids sloppy yous

↓

Lady, you're scarin' us.

lady

↓

- Do you know where the bathroom is? - Second door on the left.

bathroom door left second

↓

Hey, tubby, how about a little bathroom reading?

bathroom reading tubby

↓

I have the August 1983 issue of Wrestling World here.

august issue world wrestling

↓

There's a terrific article about a wrestler named the Revolting Blob.

article named terrific wrestler

↓

Gee, you know somethin'? He kinda looks like someone I know.

kinda somethin

↓

- Where'd you get that? - I have a subscription.

whered

↓

Bad guy. He threw one opponent out of the ring and hit a bunch of senior citizens.

bunch citizens opponent ring senior threw

↓

Boy, this wacko looks familiar.

familiar

↓

What do I care about some stupid phoney wrestling guy?

care stupid wrestling

↓

My God.

↓

In June 1983 he sat on some guy's head and killed him.

head june killed

↓

It was just a stunt!

stunt

↓

He was supposed to pinch my leg if he was running short of air.

pinch running short supposed

↓

With this guy sitting on everyone's head, I wonder how he got his teaching degree?

degree everyones head sitting teaching wonder

↓

No!

↓

No, you can't do that to me. Those kids are my whole life!

kids life whole whole-life

↓

So you wouldn't want anything to happen that would make 'em think less of you?

happen less

↓

Max?

↓

Max?

↓

You ready to cooperate with me?

ready

↓

Yes.

↓

Then Madison Hotels is as good as mine!

hotels madison

↓

(rock music from car )

music rock rock-music

↓

(laughter )

laughter

↓

- (student ) Nice shirt. - Yeah. Yep.

shirt student

↓

(bell rings )

bell bell-rings rings

↓

Now the cell's happy. But other molecules are saying ''We'd like some energy too.''

cells energy happy

↓

And it uses its own pigment molecule, chlorophyll, to carry out the action.

action carry uses

↓

This does not make the ribosomes happy.

happy

↓

And poor chlorophyll is caught in the middle of this.

caught middle poor

↓

Chlorophyll? More like ''bore-ophyll''!

bore

↓

Right?

↓

- Jeez, a little bit stuffy in here, huh? - Don't talk to me.

jeez stuffy

↓

- And why is that? - Because you're a loser.

loser

↓

(teacher ) ..from these ribosomes. And chlorophyll helps the chloroplast...

helps teacher

↓

No, I will not make out with you!

↓

Did you hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class!

class girl middle wants

↓

You got ''chlorophyll man'' up there talkin' about God knows what.

knows talkin

↓

All she's talking about is makin' out with me. I'm here to learn, not to make out.

learn makin

↓

Go on with the chlorophyll.

↓

O'Doyle rules.

rules

↓

Thanks a lot, O'Doyle. Nice meetin' you.

thanks

↓

(giggling )

giggling

↓

- Wait till they start with the wedgies. - Yeah.

start till

↓

You oughta start cutting your underwear before you get to school. So it rips easier.

cutting easier oughta school start underwear

↓

I see. Who are you guys?

↓

The guys everybody used to pick on before you started here.

everybody pick started used

↓

No, they ain't pickin' on me. They're givin' me a hard time cos I'm the new guy.

aint givin hard

↓

A little first-day hazing.

↓

- Are you in loser denial or something? - I had a bad case of loser denial myself.

case denial loser

↓

Till the lacrosse team stuck a parking cone up my ass.

cone lacrosse parking stuck team till

↓

Loser? I ain't no loser. I was the king of this high school.

aint king loser school

↓

A hundred friends, a million parties...

friends hundred million parties

↓

You guys are losers, not me.

losers

↓

And that is what a prime number is.

number prime

↓

(children ) Billy!

billy children

↓

I figured I got fourth period off, I'd shoot down and say hi.

figured fourth period shoot

↓

- How's high school, Billy? - Yeah, how's high school?

billy school

↓

High school is great. I mean, I'm learning a lot.

learning school

↓

And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.

kids treating

↓

Gee, I can't wait till I go to high school.

school till

↓

Don't you say that.

↓

Don't you ever say that.

↓

Stay here.

↓

Stay as long as you can.

↓

For the love of God, cherish it.

cherish love

↓

(Veronica ) Jennifer, why don't you read out loud?

jennifer loud read veronica

↓

You gotta cherish it.

cherish

↓

You do.

↓

Hm.

↓

I don't understand it.

↓

I mean, ten years ago high school was the greatest. I had so much fun.

fun greatest school years

↓

I guess a little too much fun, since you've gotta do it again.

fun

↓

I know. It's just that classes are so hard, and all the kids treat me like I'm a goof.

classes goof hard kids treat

↓

Well, you are a goof.

goof

↓

Suck it up. Eight more weeks and you're all set.

eight suck weeks

↓

Yeah, you're right. You're so smart.

smart

↓

- I gotta go, OK? - OK.

↓

Billy, wait.

billy

↓

It doesn't feel so great to be called a loser, does it?

called loser

↓

No.

↓

Maybe the first time you went to high school,...

school

↓

..you weren't as nice to the kids that you thought were losers.

kids losers

↓

I know what you're sayin'. You're so smart.

sayin smart

↓

(phone rings )

phone phone-rings rings

↓

Hello?

↓

- Hi. Is this Danny McGrath? - Yeah.

danny

↓

The Danny McGrath that graduated from Knibb High School in 1984?

danny graduated school

↓

- Uh, yeah. Who's this? - This is Billy Madison.

billy madison

↓

You probably don't remember me, but I went to high school with you.

remember school

↓

I kinda gave you a hard time back then,...

hard kinda

↓

..and I did some things that I thought were funny at the time,...

funny

↓

..but now I realise they were just mean and stupid.

realise stupid

↓

And I just wanted to apologise, and I hope you forgive me.

apologise forgive hope wanted

↓

Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it.

worry

↓

Wow! That's great!

↓

Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together some time...

↓

..and have coffee or somethin'.

coffee somethin

↓

- Sure, I'd like that. - OK. Well, I'll see you around.

↓

OK. Bye.

↓

(~ 'Telephone Line' by Electric Light Orchestra )

electric light line orchestra telephone

↓

Speak for yourself, moron.

moron speak

↓

Oh, my God! That is funny!

funny

↓

Next.: the shocking story of power and corruption involving a hotel tycoon.

corruption hotel involving power shocking story

↓

How his 27-year-old millionaire son cheated his way through school.

cheated millionaire school

↓

- What the hell...? - Now, now. Maybe it's somebody else.

somebody

↓

My name is Max Anderson,...

anderson name

↓

..and I am the principal at the Polly Fector Elementary School.

elementary elementary-school polly principal school

↓

Recently a young man named Billy Madison was enrolled there.

billy enrolled madison named recently young

↓

During that time Mr Madison was disruptive.

madison

↓

The only reason he passed was that he offered me a bribe of $5,000,...

bribe offered passed reason

↓

.. which I regrettably accepted.

accepted

↓

I'm sorry, Billy.

billy

↓

(reporter ) That was Principal Anderson of Polly Fector Elementary School.

anderson elementary elementary-school polly principal reporter school

↓

Dad! He's lyin'!

↓

You made a fool out of me. This was a mistake from the beginning.

beginning fool mistake

↓

Brian, I got some interim forecasts for you to...

brian

↓

- Why is everybody so glum? - You seriously don't believe me?

believe everybody

↓

That's right. I seriously don't believe you.

believe

↓

The deal's off. Eric's got the company.

company deals erics

↓

Wow. Good news for me.

news

↓

I can't believe this is happening right now.

believe

↓

Are you gonna come to class on Monday?

class monday

↓

Wouldn't make much sense now, would it?

sense

↓

Stupid idea in the first place.

idea place stupid stupid-idea

↓

(~ 'Renegade' by Styx )

↓

~ They finally found me

finally finally-found found

↓

~ The renegade who had it made

↓

~ Retrieved for a bounty

bounty

↓

~ Never more to go astray

↓

~ This'll be the end today of the wanted man

thisll today wanted

↓

Better get up outta this bed!

outta

↓

~ I've been years on the lam And had a high price on my head

head price years

↓

~ Lawman said 'Get him dead or alive'...

alive dead

↓

(Billy howling )

billy howling

↓

Yoo-hoo!

↓

Hello!

↓

Billy's here!

billys

↓

Hey, baby!

baby

↓

You lookin' hot tonight!

lookin tonight

↓

- Billy, what has happened to you? - We're gonna go on a date.

billy date happened

↓

You, me, Jack and Frank...

frank jack

↓

..are gonna go around puttin' shit on people's doorsteps...

peoples puttin

↓

..and we're gonna set it on fire.

fire

↓

Billy, why are you acting like this? I know that you didn't pay off Max.

acting billy

↓

Well, that makes two of us, then, baby,...

baby makes

↓

..but it takes more than two to tango. Or somethin' like that.

somethin takes tango

↓

- So let's go. - No, let's stay.

↓

And the three of you can light dog shit on my living-room floor.

floor light living room three

↓

- Come on, Billy, you know that... - Talky, talky, talky.

billy

↓

No more talky.

↓

You got a lighter in here?

lighter

↓

Oh.

↓

I see what's goin' on in here.

goin

↓

So sorry to interrupt!

interrupt

↓

Proceed.

proceed

↓

Billy, you're losing your mind.

billy losing mind

↓

All right, boys' night out!

boys night

↓

Let's go!

↓

(snoring )

snoring

↓

Ow!

↓

I need to talk to you.

↓

Jeez!

jeez

↓

What's goin' on, man?

goin

↓

I think Billy and his girlfriend are playin' water polo or somethin'.

billy girlfriend playin somethin water

↓

Hey, maybe they're playin' Marco Polo.

marco playin

↓

Marco.

marco

↓

- Jeez, that was a great game. - Yeah.

game jeez

↓

I got an idea for you. Instead of being an idiot every day,...

idea idiot

↓

..why don't you go back to school, graduate and get the company?

company graduate school

↓

Cos I don't want it any more.

↓

- What do you mean, you don't want it? - I got somethin' comin' outta my nose?

comin nose outta somethin

↓

I can't believe I liked someone who could roll over and die.

believe liked roll

↓

I ain't rollin' over and dyin'. I was set up. And, worst of all, nobody believes me.

aint believes nobody rollin worst

↓

I believe you, Billy. And I believe in you.

believe billy

↓

You know, some people have no willpower, no brains, no vision.

brains vision

↓

They just drift through life like lumps of crap.

drift life

↓

What is she talkin' about?

talkin

↓

And you have all those things. You're just afraid to use 'em.

afraid

↓

Don't be. You say you're not a loser, Billy Madison. So win.

billy loser madison

↓

~ Yes, I will go back to school

school

↓

~ And achieve victory

achieve victory

↓

~ No man will take what my father has built

built father

↓

~ Unless that man is me

↓

~ My Billy, sweet Billy boy

billy sweet

↓

~ I knew you would go back

↓

~ No one can stop you if you try

↓

~ Don't I have a nice rack?

rack

↓

~ Veronica, I thank you

veronica

↓

~ For beating the shit out of me

beating

↓

~ I see things so clearly now

↓

~ I choose my destiny

choose destiny

↓

Oh, Billy, I knew you had it in ya.

billy

↓

~ We're here to help you, Billy

billy

↓

~ Get back in school to stay

school

↓

~ You gotta work real hard and stick it out

hard real real-hard stick

↓

~ Till graduation day

graduation till

↓

~ Hey, kids, it's me

kids

↓

~ I bet you thought that I was dead

dead

↓

~ But when I fell over I just broke my leg

broke fell

↓

~ And got a haemorrhage in my head

head

↓

~ There are obstacles in the way

obstacles

↓

- ~ But together we shall overcome - ~ Overcome

overcome

↓

~ Cos you can't break our spirit and you can't kill our dream

break dream kill spirit

↓

~ Do you have any more gum, more gum, more gum, more gum?

↓

~ Do you have any more gum?

↓

Oh. Hello, kids.

kids

↓

Mr Anderson, is that you?

anderson

↓

Oh.

↓

Yes, actually, it is.

↓

This is just... Well, this is...

↓

Normally I don't allow children to be in my home without parental supervision.

allow children home normally parental supervision

↓

So why don't you just run on... Oh, boy.

↓

It sure is great to have all you kids come surprise me like this at my home, but I...

home kids surprise

↓

Mr Anderson, Billy said the stuff that you said didn't happen.

anderson billy happen stuff

↓

Is he lying or are you lying?

lying

↓

Oh, well, listen, kids. It's not always as simple as all that.

kids simple

↓

The statement I made about Billy Madison was and is completely untrue.

billy completely madison statement

↓

No.

↓

I know now that I shall never escape my fate...

escape fate

↓

- ..as the Revolting Blob. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

↓

(Anderson ) It's something I must learn to live with.

anderson learn live must must-learn

↓

Joyce?

↓

What a mess.

mess

↓

First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it.

lies psycho

↓

And now Eric's secretary is in a coma.

coma erics secretary

↓

Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?

able anybody carl

↓

No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.

idea nobody vanished

↓

- I believed in Billy all along, sir. - Cut the horseshit!

along believed billy

↓

- I know you blackmailed Max. - Take it easy, Billy.

billy blackmailed easy

↓

Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up.

along freak messed wrestling

↓

Billy should get another shot at high school.

another another-shot billy school shot

↓

Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks...

billy finish grade rules supposed weeks

↓

..or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.

company finish grade ninth

↓

Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.

certainly circumstances eric

↓

Extenuating, exschmenuating. We had a deal. A signed, written deal.

deal signed written

↓

Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.

company grade weeks

↓

Well, technically you're right, but...

technically

↓

Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long.

brian

↓

''Well, technically...''

technically

↓

Just shut up! Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?

company hand ready

↓

- No. - Then I'll see your ass in court.

court

↓

Good.

↓

Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.

talkin

↓

Hey, Eric, how would you like to settle this now, no lawyers?

eric lawyers settle

↓

You and me, mano y mano.

↓

- What does that mean? - What does that mean?

↓

- Carl, what does that mean? - Uh... I don't know.

carl

↓

It means an academic decathlon.

academic

↓

One day, ten events, testing all the knowledge one would gain in high school.

events gain knowledge school testing

↓

Me versus you.

versus

↓

- You're joking, right? - Let's take it a little easy here, Billy.

billy easy joking

↓

No, I'm serious. Let's do it. Let's do it on Friday.

friday serious

↓

- Let's do it. - Is that all right with you, Daddy?

daddy

↓

Well, if you think you can beat him.

beat

↓

Oh, I can. And I will.

↓

- It's a deal. - (whispers ) I know it was you.

deal whispers

↓

You broke my heart.

broke heart

↓

Here are the trigonometry hand-outs.

hand outs

↓

Last year's physics notes. Best I could do.

best notes physics years

↓

Thanks a lot, fellas. You're saving my life.

fellas life saving thanks

↓

O'Doyle rules.

rules

↓

O'Doyle, I got a feeling your whole family's goin' down.

familys feeling goin whole

↓

But for now I gotta study.

study

↓

(Veronica ) Norman invasion of England.

england norman veronica

↓

1066.

↓

That is correct.

correct

↓

The Magna Carta.

↓

1215?

↓

Yes.

↓

Spanish Armada.

spanish

↓

1466?

↓

'67? 1469?

↓

1514?

↓

1981? 1986?

↓

Please do not do that. Come on, I swear... Just hang in there one second.

hang second swear

↓

Please, God, give me the answer!

answer

↓

Buenos dias.

buenos

↓

Buenas tardes.

↓

Buenas noches.

↓

(speaks French very quickly )

french quickly speaks speaks-french

↓

Slow down.

slow

↓

(speaks French very quickly )

french quickly speaks speaks-french

↓

Oh(!)

↓

Spanish Armada...

spanish

↓

1588.

↓

That is correct.

correct

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks to a generous donation by Mr Madison...

donation generous gentlemen ladies madison thanks

↓

..to the Knibb High School library, I have been able to arrange for ten teachers...

able arrange library school teachers

↓

..to administer this academic decathlon in various courses of study.

academic administer courses study various

↓

However, if there is any attempt by either contestant to cheat,...

attempt cheat contestant

↓

..especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty tramp, I am just gonna snap.

dirty especially snap tramp wife

↓

Do I make myself clear?

clear

↓

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

↓

All right, then. Let the academic decathlon begin.

academic begin

↓

(Billy laughs )

billy laughs

↓

Second team, all-American, Harvard track.

american harvard second team track

↓

Is that right?

↓

Oh, gross! Did you see that guy's balls?

balls gross

↓

Yeah, they were weird-lookin'.

lookin weird

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

(tuneful melody )

melody

↓

(squeaking )

squeaking

↓

He's good.

↓

To be, or not to be:

↓

that is the question:

question

↓

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

mind suffer whether

↓

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...

arrows fortune outrageous

↓

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

arms troubles

↓

And by opposing end them?

↓

To die: to sleep;

sleep

↓

No more.

↓

(boy ) Billy!

billy

↓

Hey, hey, hey. Who rules?

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

O'Doyle rules!

rules

↓

(explosion )

explosion

↓

Good afternoon, students.

afternoon students

↓

You've been invited here today to witness the tenth and final event...

event final invited tenth today witness

↓

..in the competition between Mr Eric Gordon and Mr Billy Madison.

billy competition eric gordon madison

↓

As of this moment, Mr Madison is ahead by one point.

ahead madison moment point

↓

Each competitor will select the final category for his opponent.

category competitor final opponent select

↓

Mr Madison will go first. Mr Gordon, choose the topic.

choose gordon madison topic

↓

English Literature.

english literature

↓

US Presidents.

presidents

↓

My Wife, the Tramp.

tramp wife

↓

Burning Dog Poo and the Human Response.

burning human response

↓

Reflections of Society in Literature.

literature society

↓

Reflections of Society in Literature.

literature society

↓

Good luck, schmuck.

luck

↓

Mr Madison.

madison

↓

The Industrial Revolution changed the face of the modern novel for ever.

changed face industrial modern novel revolution

↓

Discuss, citing specific examples.

discuss examples specific

↓

(yelling )

yelling

↓

(clears throat )

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Uh...

↓

Come on!

↓

OK.

↓

The Industrial Revolution, to me, is just like a story I know...

industrial revolution story

↓

..called The Puppy Who Lost His Way.

called lost puppy

↓

The world was changing...

changing world

↓

..and the puppy was getting... bigger.

bigger puppy

↓

So, you see, the puppy was like industry,...

industry puppy

↓

..in that they were both lost in the woods,...

lost woods

↓

..and nobody, especially the little boy - society - knew where to find them.

especially nobody society

↓

Except that the puppy... was a dog.

except puppy

↓

But the industry, my friends,...

friends industry

↓

..that was a revolution.

revolution

↓

Knibb High football rules!

football rules

↓

Mr Madison, what you've just said...

madison

↓

..is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard.

heard idiotic insanely

↓

At no point in your rambling, incoherent response...

point response

↓

..were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.

close considered rational

↓

Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.

dumber having listened room

↓

I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

award mercy points soul

↓

OK. A simple ''wrong'' would have done just fine, but...

simple

↓

You remain one point ahead.

ahead point remain

↓

Mr Gordon, it is your turn. Mr Madison, choose the topic.

choose gordon madison topic

↓

I choose Business Ethics.

business choose ethics

↓

Mr Gordon. The American business environment has fundamentally changed...

american business changed environment gordon

↓

..following the insider trading and savings and loan scandals.

following insider insider-trading loan savings trading

↓

Explain business ethics, and how they are applied today.

applied business ethics explain today

↓

The, uh, ethics of, uh, business...

business ethics

↓

..can be summarised in...

↓

Yeah, um...

↓

See...

↓

Ethics are, uh...

ethics

↓

You know, the... the thing about ethics...

ethics

↓

Aagh!

aagh

↓

That question was not fair! That was not in the reading.

fair question reading

↓

- I demand a new question. - Take it easy, psycho.

demand easy psycho question

↓

You blew it. You lose.

blew lose

↓

I oughta blow you away, you miserable...

blow miserable oughta

↓

Well, go ahead and do it.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Yikes!

yikes

↓

No!

↓

(Eric ) Get off me!

eric

↓

No!

↓

Man, I'm glad I called that guy.

called glad

↓

- Max, are you OK? - Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK.

↓

OK.

↓

A little confused, kinda sweaty,...

confused kinda sweaty

↓

..a little hungry,...

hungry

↓

..but all in all I'm OK.

↓

Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you.

↓

Well, what can I say? I graduated. It's over. I did it.

graduated

↓

I know most of you are sayin' ''Hey, any idiot could do that.''

idiot sayin

↓

Well, it was tough for me, so back off!

tough

↓

- Sorry. Sorry about that. - Yahoo, Billy! Billy's number one! Yahoo!

billy billys number yahoo

↓

(Billy ) That's nice, buddy.

billy buddy

↓

Yahoo!

yahoo

↓

Yahoo for school!

school yahoo

↓

Yahoo for me!

yahoo

↓

Anyways, this hotel stuff really isn't for me,...

anyways hotel stuff

↓

..so I decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels...

chairman decided hotels madison step

↓

..and give the company to Carl.

carl company

↓

I'm gonna go to college. I'm gonna be a teacher.

college teacher

↓

- Peace! I'm outta here! - (cheering )

cheering outta peace

↓

Daddy.

daddy

↓

What can I say? I saved the day, I guess.

saved

↓

I mean, Eric doesn't take over the company.

company eric

↓

Are you sure this is what you wanna do?

↓

I'm sure, Dad. Thanks for everything.

thanks

↓

Max! What can I say, buddy? You saved my life.

buddy life saved

↓

You don't have to say anything. I'm so proud of you.

proud

↓

But I'm still horny.

horny

↓

All right, man. You're hurting me.

hurting

↓

You think he's horny.

horny

↓

Come here.