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Home » Silicon Valley » S04E02 — Terms of Service

Silicon Valley

Season 4, Episode 2 — Terms of Service

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Terms of Service

Air date: April 30, 2017

Director: Mike Judge

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

Richard butts heads with Dinesh, whose new position goes to his head. Richard discovers interesting data about PiperChat’s users. Erlich makes a play to be involved in Jian-Yang’s new app. Jared sets ground rules in his friendship with Richard. Gavin’s paranoia over Jack’s enthusiasm causes him to make a rash decision.

Source: TMDB

↓

So as you can see, since I became the CEO,

became

↓

our user growth, undeniable.

growth undeniable user

↓

Our retention, so sticky, it's pornographic.

pornographic sticky

↓

We're lean, we're exploding,

exploding lean

↓

and we're more mission-focused than ever

focused mission

↓

in providing the best video chat

best chat providing video

↓

the world has ever seen.

seen world

↓

Wow. Well, this seems really promising, gentlemen.

gentlemen promising seems

↓

Promising, indeed.

indeed promising

↓

- I think if each... - "Promising"?

promising

↓

You're a young associate here, so I'm gonna help you out, okay?

associate young

↓

We have a lot of these meetings set up.

meetings

↓

We will be fine.

↓

What he means by that is...

↓

But you...

↓

you don't wanna be known around here

known

↓

as the guy who fucked this up, okay?

fucked

↓

So when you hip your bosses to our numbers

bosses numbers

↓

and they get visible hard-ons, have them move quickly.

hard quickly visible

↓

Erlich, you're with me.

↓

- It's "hards-on." - What?

↓

"Hards-on" not "hard-ons."

hard

↓

It's a syntactical error that I could've remedied

couldve error

↓

if you had just given me the space to speak.

given space speak

↓

Erlich, seeing you Thursday, right?

seeing thursday

↓

You better believe it.

believe

↓

Can't wait for it. For, uh...

↓

For Jian-Yang's pitch. His new idea sounds super exciting.

exciting idea pitch sounds super

↓

Yes, well, he is... white hot right now.

white

↓

And that's why I had him reach out directly,

directly reach

↓

and we can't wait to pitch you the idea

idea pitch

↓

that is gonna be pitched to you.

pitched

↓

Great. I'll see you then.

↓

- You have no idea what it is, do you? - Not a fucking clue.

clue fucking idea

↓

Always blue! Always blue! Always blue!

blue

↓

Always blue! Always blue!

blue

↓

Always blue! Always blue! Always blue!

blue

↓

- Hey. - Always bl...

↓

Richard, hey.

richard

↓

What's, uh... Ah, there we go.

↓

What's going on? You... celebrating something?

celebrating

↓

We were just... chanting.

chanting

↓

Why? What, the pitches go well?

↓

They went fine, you could say.

↓

You said they went awesome.

awesome

↓

All right, thank you, Big Head.

head

↓

I mean, I did get us a... few offers.

offers

↓

"We" did receive more than a few offers,

offers receive

↓

as "few" often refers to three.

often three

↓

And today, we're four for four.

four today

↓

Huh. Which... I mean, what does that even mean?

↓

Nothing. Nothing at all.

↓

Look, you don't have to do this.

↓

Really. It was my choice to leave the company,

choice company

↓

and besides, my Internet thing is going great.

besides internet

↓

Really, it's going very well.

↓

So I want you to succeed, and I want you guys to be happy.

happy succeed

↓

Sure you do, slugger.

slugger

↓

Stop. Really.

↓

It's cool. I mean that, totally honestly.

cool

↓

Keep it positive.

positive

↓

I should go Skype my dad, I think, and tell him the good news.

news

↓

Um, it is good news, though, right?

news

↓

'Cause we were all sort of like happy and celebrating,

celebrating happy

↓

but now... now it feels sort of weird and...

feels weird

↓

Just go, Big Head.

head

↓

- Okay. It's good? - Yes.

↓

All right. Well... enjoy.

enjoy

↓

Carry on. Always blue.

blue carry

↓

- Jared. - Okay.

jared

↓

- Always blue. Always blue. - Sorry. Sorry.

blue

↓

Dinesh, I think you accidentally disabled my access keys

access accidentally disabled keys

↓

for the video chat data repository.

chat data video

↓

No, actually, I deleted them on purpose.

deleted purpose

↓

I purged all our ex-employees.

employees

↓

Gleb, Sanjay, Elisabet, you.

↓

Gleb? What, you're comparing me to Gleb?

↓

When we agreed to split the company, we said that

agreed company split

↓

you could take the algorithm for your video chat,

algorithm chat video

↓

and I could use the data flowing through the system

data flowing system

↓

to optimize the algorithm for my thing.

algorithm

↓

- We had a deal. - We had an agreement,

agreement deal

↓

not technically a deal.

deal technically

↓

What the fuck, Dinesh?

fuck

↓

- Play! Play! Blue, blue! - Always blue! Always blue!

blue

↓

Have fun, you're having a party. You got pizza and everything.

fun having party pizza

↓

Always blue.

blue

↓

So, what? I should've got it in writing, Dinesh? Is that it?

shouldve writing

↓

You wanna lawyer up now? You know, we're just some guys in a house.

house lawyer

↓

But I don't wanna be just guys in a house, Richard.

house richard

↓

That's the whole point. I want PiperChat to be a real company.

company point real whole whole-point

↓

And after all the bullshit we went through, no offense,

bullshit offense

↓

I finally got some real financing lined up for us.

finally lined real

↓

I cannot have another Intersite on my hands.

another cannot hands

↓

That was fucking Russ and his shitty tequila.

fucking shitty tequila

↓

You know that, man? You were there. That wasn't me.

↓

Richard, it happened on your watch.

happened richard watch

↓

I'm sorry. I really am.

↓

But the answer is no.

answer

↓

Okay, well, suck a dick.

dick suck

↓

I'm sorry, what did you say?

↓

- Nice blazer. - Thank you.

blazer

↓

- Where'd you get it? - Does it matter?

matter whered

↓

I just want to know where I can get one,

↓

so I can look like a total fucking douchebag.

douchebag fucking total

↓

Wow, right?

↓

Unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

Gents, why don't we take this...

gents

↓

party outside?

party

↓

Yes, we live in California.

california live

↓

We should take advantage of it.

advantage

↓

Oh... Okay.

↓

Gavin, you told me to interrupt

interrupt

↓

if Jack Barker came to see you. I'm sorry.

jack

↓

Yes. Send him in.

send

↓

I thought Barker would crack after one day in that basement.

basement crack

↓

The fact that it's taken him two weeks to fess up

fact taken weeks

↓

about hijacking my fucking plane and resign

fucking plane resign

↓

will make it all the sweeter.

sweeter

↓

Hiya, Skipper.

hiya skipper

↓

Sorry to barge in. I owe you an apology.

apology barge

↓

Really? Whatever for?

↓

When you stuck me in that basement,

basement stuck

↓

I was like, "Jack, what the hell did you do wrong?"

jack

↓

And I'm sorry that it took me so long to get it through my thick skull.

skull thick

↓

I finally figured out what this is all about.

figured finally finally-figured

↓

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

glad

↓

You are doing exactly what Bobby Iger does over at Disney.

bobby disney

↓

What?

↓

He makes every manager spend

makes manager spend

↓

one day of the year in the Goofy suit.

goofy suit

↓

Because sometimes, you just gotta be at product level

level product sometimes

↓

to be able to see the best path forward.

able best forward path

↓

And once I realized that, it was like, ka-pow!

realized

↓

It was so obvious. It's the algorithm.

algorithm obvious

↓

Pied Piper put middle-out in their vid chat,

chat middle piper

↓

and it's amazing now, I know. I'm on it all the time with my grandkids.

amazing grandkids

↓

We could use middle-out to revamp our entire suite of products.

entire middle products suite

↓

We can make billions, Chief.

billions chief

↓

I'm whipping up some proposals right now

↓

that are gonna knock that wig right off your head.

head knock

↓

Yeah.

↓

What the fuck is he up to?

fuck

↓

Look like a fucking wig to you?

fucking

↓

The point is, Jian-Yang, you don't set pitches.

point yang

↓

I handle the scheduling. That's the symbiosis of our relationship.

handle relationship scheduling

↓

- No. - What do you mean, "no"?

↓

No.

↓

Jian-Yang, PiperChat has some real heat, okay?

heat real yang

↓

And we can draft off of that,

draft

↓

but it has to be a carefully choreographed dance.

carefully dance

↓

You can't just wiggle your little tush

tush wiggle

↓

and expect every VC in the Valley to get hards-on.

expect valley

↓

I am your lead investor, you will respect me as such.

investor lead respect

↓

I do not respect you.

respect

↓

You're not any kind of investor. You own nothing.

investor

↓

I own 10 percent. You live in my incubator.

live percent

↓

No, you evict me,

↓

- I evict your 10 percent. - What are you talking about?

percent

↓

"Santa Clara Sheriff's Department.

department santa sheriffs

↓

"Vacate or be forcibly removed."

removed vacate

↓

To be fair, Jian-Yang, I filed this when I had no expectations

expectations fair filed yang

↓

- that the system would work. - Okay.

system

↓

Jian-Yang, just tell me... can you just tell me what the idea is,

idea yang

↓

so I can Gauge how aggressively I should pursue it?

aggressively gauge pursue

↓

Hey, Jared, you were there, right?

jared

↓

When we split the company into two,

company split

↓

- Dinesh and I had a very... - Stop, stop. Please stop.

↓

- Richard, what're you doing? - What? What?

richard whatre

↓

What do you mean? I'm complaining about Dinesh.

complaining

↓

He... He sucks.

sucks

↓

He's my boss now, Richard.

boss richard

↓

Well, your boss is being a real prick.

boss prick real

↓

Richard, we have to bifurcate our relationship.

relationship richard

↓

You and I can no longer discuss business. All right?

business discuss longer

↓

We can... We can talk about anything else two guys might talk about.

might

↓

We can talk about sports teams and their scores, or pussy,

pussy scores sports teams

↓

but... but you and I cannot and will not discuss business.

business cannot discuss

↓

Hey, man, for what it's worth,

worth

↓

I thought it was super fucked up what Dinesh did.

fucked super

↓

I know what it's like to be the one guy not in the company.

company

↓

You know? So...

↓

If you want my log-in, it's all yours.

↓

Really?

↓

- Yeah, man. - Thanks.

thanks

↓

You know what?

↓

I shouldn't do this. Dinesh said no.

↓

And also, these are "Skyrim" cheat codes.

cheat codes

↓

Oh, shit. Yeah.

↓

Hey, my Bloomberg interview is on!

interview

↓

How did I come up with PiperChat?

↓

That's a very good question.

question

↓

I guess the tech gods were just speaking through me.

gods speaking tech

↓

Somehow, I knew to take the best parts of a service

best parts service

↓

as substandard and crappy as HooliChat and make it...

crappy

↓

How do I put this?

↓

Incredible.

incredible

↓

Do you think I have too much product in my hair?

hair product

↓

No, I think you should use more.

↓

Wait. Are you saying that because you think I look ridiculous

ridiculous

↓

and you want me to look more ridiculous next time?

ridiculous

↓

Which answer will get more of that stuff in your hair?

answer hair stuff

↓

but let's just say...

↓

Wait, wait, wait. Watch this.

watch

↓

This is where I make Emily Chang laugh.

chang emily laugh

↓

Quite a turnaround for a company

company

↓

that wasn't exactly soaring.

soaring

↓

Oh, it was soaring, Emily...

emily soaring

↓

right into a clogged toilet.

clogged toilet

↓

And not just like a standard clogged toilet.

clogged standard toilet

↓

Like, I don't need a plunger.

plunger

↓

I need a shovel and a bucket.

bucket shovel

↓

But enough about the previous leadership,

leadership previous

↓

which was inept, lame, bitter...

bitter lame

↓

Fuck him. We had a deal.

deal fuck

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

That's weird.

weird

↓

Hey, Richard.

richard

↓

Have you seen the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition?

seen sports swimsuit

↓

The cover model has the most lovely, enigmatic facial expression.

cover expression facial lovely model

↓

Jared, I... I don't really want to talk about guy talk.

jared

↓

I'm here to tell you that I think Dinesh may be in some serious trouble.

serious trouble

↓

Okay, so I was analyzing a bunch of user data, and I noticed...

bunch data noticed user

↓

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Richard. Richard.

richard

↓

I told you, I can't talk about this. You have to bifurcate.

↓

No, Jared, listen, you're gonna wanna hear this.

jared

↓

Wait. What do you mean you were looking at user data?

data looking user

↓

You violated our system? Richard, you were inside us?

richard system violated

↓

Don't tell Dinesh, and don't tell any of the other guys, okay?

↓

"Don't tell Dinesh"? Richard, Dinesh is my CEO.

richard

↓

- Oh, God. - What are you doing to me?

↓

Did I make you angry?

angry

↓

I'm trying to save his ass, okay? I'm trying to save you.

save

↓

Just survey the users...

survey users

↓

and make sure you ask how old they are.

↓

Okay? And then, that's it. That's it. That's it. No more.

↓

Stupid fucking Jian-Yang and his shitty app.

fucking shitty stupid stupid-fucking yang

↓

I don't even know if it is shitty.

shitty

↓

Hey, you know, I could probably find out about Jian-Yang's app.

↓

He asked if he could practice-pitch it to me.

asked pitch practice

↓

- Do you have any nines? - Go fish.

fish nines

↓

Wait. This could be great. What time are you guys doing that?

↓

- I could listen in. - I don't know.

↓

He asked if he could pitch me, and I said sure,

asked pitch

↓

and then he kind of just like kept talking for a while.

↓

Oh.

↓

You don't think that could've been the pitch, do you?

couldve pitch

↓

God damn it, what did he say?

↓

Geez, I kind of zoned out.

geez

↓

Shit. Fives?

fives

↓

Uh, go fish.

fish

↓

Wait. I don't know if this would be relevant,

relevant

↓

but he did say the word "Oculus" a whole bunch.

bunch whole whole-bunch word

↓

- Wait. "Oculus"? - Mm-hmm.

↓

Oh, my God. It's a VR play.

↓

That's the frothiest space in the Valley right now.

space valley

↓

Nobody understands it, but everybody wants in.

everybody everybody-wants nobody understands wants

↓

Any idiot can walk into a fucking room,

fucking idiot room walk

↓

utter the letters "V" and "R," and VCs will hurl bricks of cash at him.

bricks cash hurl letters utter

↓

Then by the time they find out that it's vaporware, it's too late.

late

↓

I have got... to get in on this.

↓

Trust me. Just give me five minutes. There he is.

five five-minutes minutes trust

↓

- Hey! - Wait. Is that our lawyer?

lawyer

↓

- Hey! - I thought he was in jail.

jail

↓

Hey. Perfect timing.

perfect timing

↓

I just completed the detailing on this Kia.

completed

↓

- Come on. - What the fuck is going on?

fuck

↓

Wait. I don't understand. How did Richard have access to our user data?

access data richard user

↓

Someone must've let him in.

mustve

↓

It was you. You're a fucking rat, Jared.

fucking jared

↓

Richard entered us without consent.

consent entered richard

↓

In spite of that, he has raised a real issue here.

issue raised real spite

↓

Fuck this. I'm gonna Uber home.

fuck home uber

↓

Mr. Monahan, good luck with this whole work-release situation,

luck release situation whole

↓

but I have more important things to do.

↓

Mr. Chugtai.

↓

It appears that 33 percent of your users are under the age of 13.

appears percent users

↓

It's also apparent that you have

↓

no parental permission requirements in place.

parental permission place

↓

You're going to want to sit down for this.

↓

- Are you familiar with COPPA? - Who?

familiar

↓

That's the Children's Online Privacy and Protection Act.

childrens online privacy protection

↓

This Act establishes strict guidelines

strict

↓

to protect the privacy

privacy protect

↓

of younger children on the Internet.

children internet younger

↓

You are in gross violation of this act.

gross violation

↓

You know how kids can't have a YouTube or Facebook account

account facebook kids youtube

↓

till they're 13? It's because of this.

till

↓

Yes, but our users are chatting with each other, Jared,

chatting jared users

↓

not some old creep.

creep

↓

- No offense. - None taken.

offense taken

↓

My shame will linger even after my voting rights are restored.

linger restored rights shame voting

↓

Now, are there records of these chats on your server?

records server

↓

Yeah, we store everything.

store

↓

What... Okay. What's going on? How serious is this?

serious

↓

Each violation of COPPA...

violation

↓

carries a penalty of $16,000.

carries penalty

↓

So we're fined $16,000?

↓

Oh, no. I hope they take cash.

cash hope

↓

$16,000 per user.

user

↓

Not only each user...

user

↓

each use.

↓

Fifty-one thousand estimated underage users

fifty thousand underage users

↓

times an average 25.6 chat sessions per user

average chat sessions times user

↓

times $16,000...

times

↓

$21 billion?

billion

↓

I mean, how is that even fucking possible?

fucking possible

↓

I mean, I knew Dinesh was going to fuck this all up,

fuck

↓

but honestly, this couldn't get any better.

↓

What's with the shirt?

shirt

↓

Oh, he sort of became ill on himself.

became

↓

I was wrong. This just got better.

↓

This is all your fault, Richard.

fault richard

↓

This was your company before it was mine.

company

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

Dinesh, I specifically reminded you

reminded specifically

↓

to port over the terms of service from the platform.

platform port service terms

↓

Right, and I asked if you'd done it, and... and you said you had.

asked

↓

Okay. I checked the TOS box when I submitted to the app store,

checked store

↓

but then I didn't end up doing it, all right?

↓

And then when we caught fire,

caught fire

↓

the last thing I wanted to do

wanted

↓

was bog our users down with legal bullshit, you know?

bullshit legal users

↓

I mean, nobody reads that stuff anyway.

nobody reads stuff

↓

Well, first of all, everyone reads the terms of service,

reads service terms

↓

and secondly, they would've given us legal cover from exactly this.

cover given legal secondly wouldve

↓

Every sound is $16,000.

sound

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

All right, all right. Don't think about that.

↓

Just think about how to solve this massive, massive problem.

massive problem solve

↓

Quickly.

quickly

↓

Quick as you can. Jared! Just...

jared quick

↓

Wait. We could shut down.

↓

No, no, no. Not when we're this close to signing a term sheet.

close sheet signing term

↓

And in case all of you gents have forgotten,

case forgotten gents

↓

I'm on the hook for half a million clambos for this thing.

half hook million

↓

But we can't stay online! We're just racking up more fines!

online

↓

Well, technically, this is a corporation.

corporation technically

↓

So whatever they fine you,

↓

they'll really only be able to collect what the company's worth,

able collect companys worth

↓

which at this point, is basically nothing.

point

↓

That's right. I'm just the CEO.

↓

I'm not personally liable.

personally

↓

Although...

↓

Although what?

↓

Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service,

adding lied service terms

↓

it could be argued you violated

violated

↓

your fiduciary duty to the company,

company duty fiduciary

↓

rendering you personally liable.

personally

↓

I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial,

brought trial

↓

I could be compelled to testify against you.

compelled testify

↓

Jared, I trusted you.

jared trusted

↓

Oh, trust has nothing to do with it,

trust

↓

but thanks for making that official.

official thanks

↓

So I could be personally liable

personally

↓

for $21 billion?

billion

↓

Yeah, most likely.

likely

↓

I know, in the fable, Pied Piper led all the children

children piper

↓

into darkness, but now we're doing it.

darkness

↓

So, what do you wanna do?

↓

I'm gonna throw up again.

throw

↓

I'm going to watch this.

watch

↓

I want full surveillance on Jack Barker, 24/7.

full jack surveillance

↓

I don't recommend using conventional listening devices.

devices listening recommend using

↓

He may sweep for those.

sweep

↓

I do have a colleague at Facebook that has

colleague facebook

↓

a laser microphone. You can point it

laser microphone point

↓

at an office window from a mile away

mile office window

↓

and read the sound vibrations.

read sound

↓

I like it.

↓

Hoover, you're the only person I can trust at this goddamn company.

company goddamn hoover person trust

↓

It's good to have a friend.

friend

↓

I understand that, sir.

↓

Ah! Gavin, there you are.

↓

Oh. I don't want to interrupt your talking with Hoover...

hoover interrupt

↓

and talking and talking about things,

↓

but I have some concrete news.

concrete news

↓

- Regarding? - Jack Barker.

jack regarding

↓

By forgoing Western gadgetry,

western

↓

simply stationing myself in the hall outside of his office,

hall office simply

↓

I was able to overhear him speaking

able speaking

↓

of his plans to move against you.

plans

↓

He even referred to you as "Gavin... Smellson."

referred

↓

I knew it! Good work, Denpok.

↓

Good work. Let's go slice this bastard in half, huh?

bastard half slice

↓

Hold on. We need proof.

proof

↓

Otherwise, he'll just deny it,

deny otherwise

↓

and it'll just be a case of he said/she said.

case itll

↓

That's a good point. Denpok, who was he talking to?

point

↓

Oh, um...

↓

Alas, I could not see this from my hidden vantage point.

alas hidden point

↓

I'll check the logs and see who was in his office.

check logs office

↓

No, because...

↓

no one was there.

↓

I'm confused. Was he on the phone?

confused phone

↓

Yes. Very perceptive.

↓

Easy. I'll just pull up his phone records.

easy phone pull records

↓

No.

↓

Not the phone phone.

phone

↓

So what was he doing? Was he video chatting?

chatting video

↓

That's what it was, chela.

↓

Even better. I'll pull up the chat data.

chat data pull

↓

You can do that?

↓

Well, as long as he was on HooliChat,

↓

but the bastard kept grinding in my face how much he loved PiperChat.

bastard face grinding loved

↓

- What if he was using... - PiperChat. Yes.

using

↓

- Fuck! - He said the resolution was

fuck resolution

↓

so vivid and superior to HooliChat.

superior

↓

Ah. Sadly, now we'll never know

sadly

↓

the identity of the person with whom he was definitely talking.

identity person

↓

- Unless... - Unless what?

↓

Dinesh?

↓

Hey, man.

↓

How's it going?

↓

Bad.

↓

Well, look, I've been there, man.

↓

- No, you haven't. - No, I... I have.

↓

One time when we were pitching at Ross Loma...

pitching ross

↓

I threw up in my pants.

pants threw

↓

Don't you mean "on"?

↓

No. No, I mean... I mean "in."

↓

We were pitching and... well, things weren't really going well,

pitching

↓

I was getting nervous and... I don't know,

nervous

↓

I think I must've eaten something bad that day.

eaten mustve

↓

Anyway, my stomach was upside down, so I made a beeline to the stall.

stall stomach upside

↓

But then I pulled down my pants, sat down...

pants pulled

↓

but instead of shit, I threw up... into my pants.

pants threw

↓

Well, I was CEO for 11 days,

days

↓

and in that time I violated the rights

rights violated

↓

of 50,000 little girls,

girls

↓

exposed them to sexual predators,

exposed predators sexual

↓

and racked up fines the size of a small nation's GDP.

nations size

↓

Yeah. I threw up in my pants.

pants threw

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

What do I do, Richard?

richard

↓

There are no right answers.

answers

↓

You know, when I was CEO...

↓

I found that it was more about choosing

choosing found

↓

the one wrong answer that you can live with.

answer live

↓

I really loved that video chat.

chat loved video

↓

Hello.

↓

This is he.

↓

What?

↓

It's Gavin Belson.

↓

It's Gavin fucking Belson.

fucking

↓

Hey, Gavin Belson.

↓

What's up? Oh, my God.

↓

We're crushing it all the time.

crushing

↓

I'm in a bathtub.

bathtub

↓

Yeah, of course. I'd love to. Bye.

course love

↓

He wants to meet me at Josephina's tonight.

meet tonight wants

↓

Did I say yes?

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Gavin Belson wants to acquire PiperChat.

wants

↓

He made the same call to me back when he wanted

wanted

↓

to make an offer for Pied Piper.

offer piper

↓

He could take this entire shitbomb

entire

↓

off Dinesh's hands? Where's the fun in that?

fun hands

↓

More importantly, I could get all my money back, maybe even more.

importantly money

↓

We could 10X this motherfucker, gents.

gents motherfucker

↓

- Although... - Although what?

↓

Well, I'm sorry to play the Cassandra again,

cassandra

↓

but Dinesh can't sell Gavin the company.

company sell

↓

- Why not? - Why the fuck not?

fuck

↓

It's due diligence. Gavin doesn't trust anyone.

trust

↓

When I worked for him, he tried to microchip me.

tried worked

↓

Before he finalized any acquisition,

acquisition

↓

his legal team would uncover our malfeasance.

legal malfeasance team

↓

They'd sniff out the user issue immediately.

immediately issue sniff theyd user

↓

And they'd probably turn you in, and you do not want that.

theyd

↓

I mean, there's also the moral quandary.

moral

↓

Even if he could get away with it,

↓

could Dinesh really sell the company, knowing it's basically

company knowing sell

↓

a Sizzler buffet for the sexually deranged?

buffet deranged sexually

↓

Of course he could. Because even if there is a one percent chance of success

chance course percent success

↓

and a 99 percent chance of failure and prison,

chance failure percent prison

↓

he will do the right thing and get me my money back.

money

↓

I'm sorry, Erlich. I've made my decision.

decision

↓

I'm gonna say no to Gavin Belson...

↓

shut it down, and just see what happens.

happens

↓

What the fuck, huh? What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Jian-Yang!

yang

↓

Hey, Gavin.

↓

- Well... - Dinesh.

↓

Thanks for coming.

coming thanks

↓

Listen, Gavin. I've thought about it,

↓

and if this is about you buying PiperChat...

buying

↓

I didn't come here today to buy your company.

company today

↓

You didn't?

↓

No. I came to take it.

↓

I thought I'd have to buy you out,

↓

and I wanted to know what kind of CEO I'd be dealing with,

dealing wanted

↓

so I had my comms people pull your press,

press pull

↓

like this interview you did with TechCrunch

interview

↓

where you described PiperChat as, and I quote,

described quote

↓

"Exactly like HooliChat,

↓

"but without the suck-ass parts," end quote.

parts quote suck

↓

Or the one you did with Emily Chang,

chang emily

↓

where you told her how you took "the best parts of HooliChat

best parts

↓

"and made them less crappy."

crappy less

↓

I was about to throw you a massive acquisition deal,

acquisition deal massive throw

↓

and then I realized you'd already publicly admitted to stealing my IP.

admitted publicly realized stealing

↓

I hope you have a good lawyer.

hope lawyer

↓

He works at the car wash down the street.

street wash works

↓

What?

↓

Look, Gavin, you do not want to do this.

↓

- I can't explain exactly why. - Shut up.

explain

↓

This is not a negotiation.

negotiation

↓

If you fight me, I will win,

fight

↓

and I will fuck you in the tech business forever.

business forever fuck tech

↓

No one will hire you.

hire

↓

I'm taking PiperChat. By 8:00 a.m. tomorrow,

tomorrow

↓

you will hand over to Hooli all your data and systems.

data hand systems

↓

All your users will be converted to HooliChat users.

converted users

↓

It will be like PiperChat never existed.

existed

↓

And what you get out of it is the chance to walk away

chance walk

↓

and try and get another job in this town.

another town

↓

You have five seconds to decide.

decide five five-seconds seconds

↓

- Five, four... - Okay.

five four

↓

So we're in agreement.

agreement

↓

For a 10 percent stake in your current venture,

current percent stake venture

↓

you will receive full pool privileges,

full pool privileges receive

↓

more room in the crisper, and you may live in my home for...

home live room

↓

For free.

free

↓

for free for six months.

free months

↓

Fuck you. One year.

fuck

↓

Fuck! Fine. Fine.

fuck

↓

- It's a deal. - Deal.

deal

↓

Jian, I mean, your onerous terms not withstanding,

terms

↓

I'm very excited to be a part of your VR play.

excited part

↓

- VR, virtual reality. - Who's doing VR?

reality virtual

↓

You are. That's what Big Head said.

head

↓

This play has to do with the Oculus, right?

↓

- No. - But he said that you said, "Oculus."

↓

He said you kept saying it. "Oculus, Oculus, Oculus."

↓

Octopus.

octopus

↓

No.

↓

No.

↓

- Octopus? - It's a water animal.

animal octopus water

↓

I... I know what an octopus is.

octopus

↓

Just... What does your application have to do with octopus?

application octopus

↓

Eight different ways to make a Chinese recipe, octopus.

chinese eight octopus recipe ways

↓

So I just traded one year...

traded

↓

of free rent, full pool privileges,

free full pool privileges rent

↓

and more room in the crisper

room

↓

for an application that is just...

application

↓

eight recipes for octopus?

eight octopus

↓

- Hmm? - Yes.

↓

Hey, guys, they're ready.

ready

↓

Ooh. Ooh.

↓

What the fuck is this?

fuck

↓

I went through every chat in his history.

chat history

↓

They're all the same.

↓

Perhaps it was another chat format.

another chat format perhaps

↓

Could you acquire Skype or FaceTime and check them as well?

check

↓

What?

↓

Uh, Gavin, I'm... I'm sorry.

↓

I need to talk to you about this PiperChat acquisition.

acquisition

↓

I put together a panel of the most active users

active panel users

↓

you ported over from PiperChat.

↓

Bear in mind, this group is representative

bear group mind representative

↓

in terms of gender, race

gender race terms

↓

and, most importantly, age.

importantly

↓

Now, who else thinks changing

changing thinks

↓

to a HooliChat log-in is hella lame?

hella lame

↓

Madison, Allison, Jennifer,

allison jennifer madison

↓

Stephanie, Quinn, Ingrid, Kaylee...

ingrid quinn stephanie

↓

- Oh, no. - Amber, Sarah, Janelle...

amber sarah

↓

Carl. Now, Carl...

carl

↓

you said the new sign-in page made you nervous.

nervous page sign

↓

Did anyone else feel nervous?

nervous