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Home » American Pie » S01E01 — American Pie

American Pie

Season 1, Episode 1 — American Pie

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Ohh, you're so good.
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Ohh, yes. I am the best, baby.
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- Oh, yeah! - Oh. Oh, that was a tit.
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That is a tit! Yes!
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Oh, you're so big!
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Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, baby.
baby
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- Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone. - Yes!
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Oh, yeah! I'm bone smugglin', baby.
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Man, would you shut up!
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Hey, Jimmy. Just wanted to say sweet dreams.
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Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.
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Kiss good night.
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- Something wrong with the reception? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.
reception
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- There's... There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch. - Take it off.
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- And the birds are all scrambled and I can't even... - Do me! Yes!
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Baby! Ride me like a pony!
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- The thing must be broken or I sat on the remote or something.
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- Getting ready for bed, son? - Yup, I'm all set, Dad. I'm all set.
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- Yeah? - No! No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.
channelsillegaltriedwatch
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- Illegal... Illegal channels? - This is just bad reception, honey.
channelshoneyillegalreception
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- Oh, spank my hairy ass! - What's that?
hairyspank
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- Ooh, baby! - You know what? Here. Just give me this, please...
baby
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- Oh, my God! - And let's get this...
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Okay, okay. Let's, uh... What the hell's the matter with this thing?
hellsmatter
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Yes!
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Yes!
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Illegal channels? Shit!
channelsillegal
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If there's any channel that should be illegal, it's that "all-woman's" channel.
channelillegalwomans
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- Lifetime supply of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah.
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Hey, uh, did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night?
mermaidnight
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- No. - Ariel, man. She's so hot!
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- She's a mermaid, dude. - Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.
landmermaid
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Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party. We got to go. It'll be great.
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Why? All that happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.
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Yeah.
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Now, come on, Kevin. Open it.
kevinopen
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It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.
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If you think so, just open it.
open
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Fine.
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"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but after keeping you on the waiting list...
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- Gentlemen. - What's goin' on, buddy?
buddygentlemengoin
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Fellas! What's goin' on?
fellasgoin
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- Damn it, Stifler. - Checkout time!
stifler
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Me? Nothing.
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Uh, my date's a flute-toting band dork. Does that answer your question?
answerbanddatesdorkflutequestion
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- Felt sorta guilty about taking your money. - You spent $200 on this?
guiltymoneysortaspent
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Ow!
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- Mmm, you're dead. - # God in heaven smiles on those who pray #
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# All about you #