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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 7, Episode 14 โ€” Hal Grieves

TMDB episode metadata
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We are not stopping until we find that smell.
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Check out that black thing.
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Was that even food?
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I believe it was cheese at one time.
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No, that's not it.
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- Ugh! - Ew!
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- Nope. - No.
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Hey, what about that?
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Oh, God! Isn't that the school rat
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that Dewey was taking care of last summer?
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- No, that's not it. - Keep looking.
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No, don't hang up. We've almost made our decision.
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That's two free cheese pizzas!
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I'd rather eat vomit!
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they need me to keep from totally losing perspective.
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Shut up, everyone! Just shut up!
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If we're not having deep-dish,
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then I swear I will tear up
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these "free cheesy bread" coupons right now!
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Damn your cheesy bread! I need toppings!
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Why don't we just get the stuffed crust special?
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And lose my free bucket of soda? Are you insane?!
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Now, listen, Dennis, I'm a reasonable man,
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but I can't go back to my family
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with a lot of lawyer talk about coupon expiration dates.
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So why don't we just reduce the two three-fers to two-fers?
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Five toppings on each,
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You okay?
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Yeah, I'm fine.
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Are you sure?
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from your father's funeral, you turn on Sports Bloopers.
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- Hey. - Hal...
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I agree. I just don't have anything to un-bottle.
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I thought I'd cry when they closed it.
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Hal, you don't have to be brave.
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I remember.
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I mean, I suppose he knew my name,
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but he'd always just called me "buddy."
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Oh, Hal.
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Hey, Lois. I'm returning
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the Newsweek you lent me on Y2K.
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It's okay, Abe. Hal's asleep.
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Good. How's he doing?
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Well, he seems to be doing fine, but he can't be.
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His father just died.
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He got more upset when his transmission gave out.
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Well, he did just have it rebuilt.
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But I know what you're saying.
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Sounds like he needs to talk to someone.
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Abe, thank you! I know he respects you.
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Not me. I don't want to see him cry.
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He needs to talk to a professional.
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A therapist?
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No, a professional actor.
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I suggest William Shatner, TV's Captain Kirk.
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What?
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That's who I turn to in a time of need.
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Lois...
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there's this wonderful service
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where they hook up ordinary people with celebrities.
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You pay a fee,
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and you get a phone call from your choice
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of participating TV or movie stars.
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Well, mostly TV stars.
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And you think this is something Hal would want?
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Absolutely! He's a huge fan of classic Trek.
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It's not something you share with your wife.
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Lois, believe me,
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I don't think I would've gotten
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through my social anxiety disorder
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without a few late-night discussions with Agent Mulder.
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It turns out the truth was right in here.
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Apparently, Shatner's not available.
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He's being knighted.
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Well, thanks for trying, Abe.
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Oh, it's not over yet.
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I am not going to rest until a classic TV star
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puts Hal's spirit at ease.
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I know you didn't love him, but this is a funeral.
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Don't you care?
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You kidding? About this guy?
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We weren't even close.
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Check it out.
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Now I'm happy.
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Now I'm sad.
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Oh, now I'm happy.
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Boo-hoo, now I'm sad...
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Hey, dead guy, why are you hitting yourself?
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Who knew we could have fun with Dad?
fun
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That's who that is?
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I thought it was, like, a math teacher or something.
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Why aren't you sad?
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Why aren't you throwing yourselves on my coffin
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and begging to be buried instead of me?
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Are you guys feeling as little as I am?
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I felt sadder when my wart fell off.
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I guess he just didn't make much of an impression on us
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when he was alive.
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Boys...
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boys, don't go.
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Oh...
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Dewey,
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you always loved me.
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No, boys!
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Don't you miss me?
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I miss me.
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Wake up, boys! You don't want breakfast to melt!
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- Ice cream? - Well, last time I checked,
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you can't have a sundae bar without it.
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HAL Wake up, Malcolm.
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Aah!
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Dad... it's 5:00 in the morning.
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Well, I couldn't sleep until my sons are as happy
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as I can make them.
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Today's special,
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every scoop comes with a hug!
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And it doesn't stop here.
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We've got a full day
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of pick-up basketball in the park,
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a barbecue, more ice cream,
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then I thought we'd take a nap underneath a tree,
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and then catch fireflies.
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- What about school? - I've got that covered.
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Please excuse my son. He has... the flu...
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explosive diarrhea...
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a rare bone disease...
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We may have to get you a cane.
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- Cool! - Does Mom know?
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Please, will you let me worry about your mom, okay?
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Seriously, though, don't tell her.
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Now, who wants a ride on top of the car?
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Abe, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not...
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Lois, do you know what it cost me to get
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Leonard Nimoy's private number?
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Ferengi noses don't grow on trees.
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- Let's just... - It's ringing!
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Hello? Mr. Nimoy?
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This is he.
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We apologize for disturbing an important man like yourself.
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But my friend's father just died,
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and he could use some sage advice from a learned actor-
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director-poet- photographer-vocalist.
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Uh, I'm sorry, but in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan,
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was Ricardo Montalban the gentlemen he seems to be?
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Because a little birdy told me...
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- Abe! - I'd be happy to help your friend.
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It's very sad when a man loses his father.
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I've been through loss myself.
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Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Nimoy.
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I'm his wife.
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So will this be charged to your credit card?
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What?
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Well, that's eight dollars a minute for the Nimoy.
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And for another five,
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I'll leave an outgoing message on your answering machine as...
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Mr. Bob Hope!
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How about that Brooke Shields?
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She's got legs that go all the way down to the ground...
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Wow! Nimoy's Bob Hope is great.
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Is there nothing the man can't do?
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Hey.
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You doing okay?
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Oh, yeah, you know, I'll drop the kids off at school,
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maybe look through a photo album.
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Well, that's what bereavement days are for.
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I love you. I love you, too.
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Okay!
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Yeah! Yeah!
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Clear shot to the refrigerator. Who's gonna stop me?
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Whoo! Yeah!
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Nice!
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Mmm.
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Pudding!
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It's your mother!
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Hurry!
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Oh, hi, honey.
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God, I hate school.
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What's to eat in this dump?
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- Good night, boys. - Good night, Dad.
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What a day. Memorable, huh?
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And if you thought
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today was fun,
โ†“
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tomorrow's gonna make it look like garbage.
โ†“
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Quick question.
โ†“
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If I died in my sleep tonight, who'd be sad?
โ†“
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I would! Me! Me!
โ†“
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Sure. Of course we'd be sad.
โ†“
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You boys have just earned some s'mores.
โ†“
17a6a1b5-c7d9-464f-a96f-cc2687df9405.gif
Back in a jiff.
โ†“
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Wait, Dad.
โ†“
cf13a4f8-ab10-4ad9-b1f4-2f4701617c7c.gif
You don't have to do this.
โ†“
4260fa5c-d01f-4af7-b1c0-f0114fb19d89.gif
I think I know what's going on.
โ†“
688b280b-e582-44e5-89ce-912fef1580f0.gif
If you want to talk about stuff...
โ†“
398cf311-006d-4019-bc1c-f68b318ffcc9.gif
Malcolm, all I'm interested in right now
โ†“
4e8568ef-4f72-48dd-8b20-1fba07ae4422.gif
is filling your bellies with marshmallow-y goodness.
โ†“
795e3a27-f959-42a1-9866-32c93d68304b.gif
- But, Dad... - Don't worry.
โ†“
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I'll make yours double thick.
โ†“
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This is so awesome.
โ†“
cd5636f3-f443-4615-b630-a14d58e427c0.gif
Yeah. I don't know what alien worm burrowed into Dad's brain,
โ†“
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but I'd like to shake its hand.
โ†“
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Don't you guys see what's going on?
โ†“
f1b85469-7a91-4054-9cc1-d3f8194a88f2.gif
This is all because of Grandpa.
โ†“
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Ever since he died, Dad's been feeling bad
โ†“
052d85d8-271b-46b5-be21-6a6182fd53cd.gif
because he doesn't miss him enough.
โ†“
c41ae091-edd4-4eac-a18f-8ae3c68dd822.gif
So now he's trying to compensate by bonding with us.
โ†“
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That's just a lot of fancy language
โ†“
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for all-you-can-eat s'mores.
โ†“
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This isn't fun and games, Reese.
โ†“
4cf771d3-b87d-4334-b601-65d98db32232.gif
He's got a real emotional problem.
โ†“
3aace96b-b775-4ee2-a09d-2a640bf0e332.gif
You think Dad could really be doing this to buy our love?
โ†“
e1dd481e-5a7e-478e-9215-398ceb89386d.gif
I guess.
โ†“
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I say we squeeze him for all he's got.
โ†“
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It's the least we could do for him.
โ†“
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Where's Dad?
โ†“
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It was weird.
โ†“
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I got up early this morning
โ†“
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and found him sitting at the kitchen table
โ†“
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looking at a picture of him and Grandpa
โ†“
9352f42d-5a1e-4c99-842c-7145cc71b615.gif
with this peaceful smile on his face.
โ†“
a4813402-bbd0-4c3e-aad0-f062c447518f.gif
- Really? - Yeah.
โ†“
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Then he said he really worked
โ†“
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some things out last night.
โ†“
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And then he just took off for work.
โ†“
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Wow.
โ†“
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Hey, get your greedy mitts off my lunch!
โ†“
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I was just moving it to get to my lunch.
โ†“
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What lunch?
โ†“
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Later.
โ†“
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Get off me!
โ†“
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Found you!
โ†“
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Hey!
โ†“
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Well, you have to admit
โ†“
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it was pretty good hiding place.
โ†“
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- I was in there for over an hour! - I helped.
โ†“
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And you should share the prize.
โ†“
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Hey, where's Malcolm?
โ†“
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He had to go to school.
โ†“
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Yeah, he said this was stupid.
โ†“
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Too bad. I guess he misses out on Motocross!
โ†“
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Sweet!
โ†“
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I mean, I guess it's okay.
โ†“
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Come on. It'll be better than yesterday.
โ†“
a263c862-55f5-4a3a-92fd-bd5198078a85.gif
What was yesterday?
โ†“
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I can't quite remember. Can you, Dewey?
โ†“
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I knocked you into pudding.
โ†“
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I guess the problem with memories is they fade.
โ†“
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Especially in the minds of young people
โ†“
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that are scrambled with video games and death metal.
โ†“
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I can barely remember my own name.
โ†“
f4a7c52b-c179-40d5-ae18-9dfa5db39aa0.gif
Hey, you know what doesn't fade?
โ†“
7ac9720f-dd30-496d-b3ad-098341be128f.gif
Things.
โ†“
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Like these pants.
โ†“
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I can still remember the crisp September day
โ†“
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when Mom gave them to us.
โ†“
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She had a little lipstick on her upper tooth.
โ†“
e5a01de1-6099-41cf-aa7c-034f8f5ae8a8.gif
Her eyes crinkled...
โ†“
0ebaace5-f76c-4455-9df8-acf2ebaf460b.gif
She smelled like lilacs.
โ†“
e0a8e6a6-19de-4f29-ae05-97ef12c013e7.gif
Hey, you know what?
โ†“
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I can get you things.
โ†“
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I don't know.
โ†“
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You'd have to drive us to some kind of mall or something.
โ†“
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You boys go get in the car.
โ†“
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I'm going to call the credit card company
โ†“
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and have them up my limit.
โ†“
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Taken care of.
โ†“
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Nice.
โ†“
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It's just a shame I'll have to catch it with a dirty mitt.
โ†“
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I want to remember
โ†“
5f41c531-dc5e-4f1b-ab3d-53354d43647a.gif
how great you are in spring,
โ†“
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summer, fall...
โ†“
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and winter, too.
โ†“
acc39338-0e52-4711-bd3c-985a0a6e7124.gif
Wow, Dad, you bought the whole store!
โ†“
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Nobody's got a better dad than us.
โ†“
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Except Joe Garoogian.
โ†“
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Dewey!
โ†“
79bed7d8-3bd3-4644-a6ee-8c005b95bcd9.gif
You don't deserve to remember
โ†“
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how good Dad is.
โ†“
3bc816a4-31ea-4a3b-a2b2-7c54c2d09d90.gif
You only deserve to remember me
โ†“
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whacking the crap out of you.
โ†“
e526318d-a1a1-4a9c-9a2e-660e050fc7c9.gif
Not so fast, Reese.
โ†“
b7678d7a-2d54-4012-9730-3493de05b520.gif
The boy's just being honest. Now tell me,
โ†“
a4125149-d492-48f4-9026-0c77d30928af.gif
what is it about this Joe's father that's so great?
โ†“
c35f7b4e-7124-42fa-b2d8-1a7a0f99bd6f.gif
His dad's vice president of an electronics company.
โ†“
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He can get any type of TV, video game or stereo he wants.
โ†“
9cc4a353-036b-4c8d-ab23-1774dbc0a37c.gif
Is there an electronics store near here?
โ†“
7946cabe-9f8a-4aff-ba60-bb06e17c2175.gif
Tech Boys on Willow.
โ†“
4d1a7b8a-cf3a-4178-be6f-8e79487cdaaa.gif
Price Town's closer,
โ†“
ef1bd519-da1c-41f7-8f76-d6a170a6ba5f.gif
but they have crap for high-def.
โ†“
c25d43bf-14dd-4bd9-9ca5-7512a459ca0e.gif
I've got something for Hal
โ†“
1d4eb551-2e78-4605-b612-5661533cc7ed.gif
that I think may do the trick.
โ†“
539332dd-ab5e-479b-8c16-1f3942a4e058.gif
Abe, I thought we were done with this.
โ†“
f0e66385-2a7d-4024-a713-968612ed3fa9.gif
I thought we were, too, Lois,
โ†“
0c30ecf0-de44-4607-9e58-9eeed66ccea0.gif
until 3:00 this morning
โ†“
37c205f3-3ed3-4679-bcb4-95ff26b49dcb.gif
when I found myself in a collectibles auction site
โ†“
02dc3d67-ddc3-4f14-a107-b42de7c381f5.gif
and saw this baby.
โ†“
d4616a76-6867-47b2-9370-6f750cc4dbec.gif
Yes, it's a Vulcan lyre
โ†“
ed630ceb-faa1-4572-bcc1-595ab376f7f4.gif
with ten preprogrammed Christmas carols.
โ†“
4bd2a0d8-8e3e-47ca-bf4d-f464e74dbe72.gif
Abe, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help,
โ†“
7ebbc56d-ef4c-461c-91b3-5745fe6e6d7d.gif
but this is not what Hal needs.
โ†“
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You're right.
โ†“
874516ed-791f-4de8-93e4-a123549dacb7.gif
I guess I got carried away and lost sight
โ†“
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of what got us started in the first place...
โ†“
f6818eed-51f3-4608-86f4-3def7cb4cdf1.gif
to hook Hal up with a member of the original cast of Star Trek.
โ†“
3bed3fdc-d770-412b-b380-9fa09bdcf127.gif
That's not what got this started.
โ†“
59f032c2-073e-4293-bd77-e2e4067f27a1.gif
Abe, Hal's father died.
โ†“
a3f592ae-b9ee-429c-828b-668befb09e0a.gif
And I will not let him die in vain.
โ†“
f0b508c3-34a8-4a70-a34c-c3d7ced16eeb.gif
I will call Sulu.
โ†“
99dab17a-2cda-459d-8ae3-b45971eafcd6.gif
I will call Chekhov.
โ†“
760e6b55-dfcf-479b-9118-cf611c972f4b.gif
And if they say no,
โ†“
3b384a9e-7500-4f5c-8cd8-a54e3bf7823e.gif
so help me, I will call the Gorn.
โ†“
3564a965-091d-40f2-ab8f-cb71a012f39c.gif
Abe, stop, just stop.
โ†“
e2675b92-cb34-4c99-ad14-28d560010f42.gif
I appreciate you trying to help,
โ†“
5e86ac5d-87b2-420f-82ef-2ef74b77cd95.gif
but I don't need any of this.
โ†“
41db0bc6-498a-4688-87bc-736063f2790c.gif
I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast
โ†“
b09035b8-ccf7-46f8-b3ef-ecd8652bd64f.gif
for a nice weekend, and that's it.
โ†“
aa4993e9-d362-4a1d-a049-4f3081db94c4.gif
He just needs some emotional comfort.
โ†“
44557408-9f55-4a4c-bdce-f6de8437538b.gif
So you think a weekend of nurturing and sex
โ†“
27f46bad-83ba-4789-b4f7-e8550ac5d138.gif
is going to get him through this?
โ†“
d349dca9-d62c-4474-b667-fa0ae107d9be.gif
Do you even know this man?!
โ†“
f835e94c-a4f7-45af-aa65-edd140e9af44.gif
What the hell's all this?
โ†“
03c0eeec-e55c-41d6-be31-c1442b3c868a.gif
Turns out Dad still has some grieving left to do.
โ†“
c72876d3-d441-4ced-aa4f-ea1ba0fe3e52.gif
I can't believe you.
โ†“
2d673b52-62ba-40a1-84cf-2dc00a761896.gif
You lied to me
โ†“
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and you totally took advantage of him.
โ†“
ef006b80-42e9-4440-8bb0-9847751f9c09.gif
I don't see it that way.
โ†“
5ced0577-b501-42a2-9a6f-2c2bc1a0050d.gif
They say money can't buy love...
โ†“
0e301776-7c4d-4e19-967a-13a75d2011b3.gif
but they're wrong.
โ†“
a9b0c461-4752-48df-9c15-7e00e6f408d4.gif
I'm actually starting to love Dad.
โ†“
55fd280c-bb25-4703-845e-32c6f462debc.gif
Now I'm not saying somebody couldn't come along and outbid him,
โ†“
7f223767-1cda-4831-845d-b15baaaa7928.gif
but right now, he's the front-runner.
โ†“
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You can't do this.
โ†“
11e4d405-5b10-4495-82bc-626f4cebec87.gif
This is wrong.
โ†“
ba78b124-25ef-4ea1-b28d-f83ce3b104fc.gif
You're giving all this back.
โ†“
058e4223-89c3-400b-afd0-15a568f57ea6.gif
Who are you to question his process?
โ†“
4fb35cf2-7389-4997-9fdb-23edb7ba56d3.gif
Reese, he's crazy.
โ†“
1c126da2-4990-47ce-85c8-c93c855719a4.gif
Mom's crazy.
โ†“
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But she's the kind of crazy
โ†“
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where all she does is yell at us and punish.
โ†“
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Now Dad's crazy in a way where he buys us an Xbox 360.
โ†“
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And you want to mess with that?
โ†“
d238aa41-a4d0-411d-b771-a986483b443c.gif
You're just afraid of happiness, Malcolm.
โ†“
c3092c48-0901-4c65-abc1-6acbf1661aa5.gif
You can delude yourself all you want.
โ†“
31e6395a-9176-48c8-a48b-ffbcd0e263e1.gif
All this is going back to the store.
โ†“
d8fde81b-a872-4c1e-b553-197d2af5d413.gif
Hey, give that back! You had your chance!
โ†“
e39fa756-7a05-42a7-9e60-b09c4238bdd8.gif
Reese, this is over! This is the only good thing
โ†“
74a69a83-a7b6-46d1-b5fc-6189f7e722fc.gif
that's ever happened around here and you're ruining it!
โ†“
16407906-0af7-41d6-a3cb-b3a977ec7ee3.gif
Boys! What are you doing?
โ†“
f3def2a9-2c16-4ab2-8314-d0d9b110dbff.gif
Today's a happy day.
โ†“
7a7fe589-41a6-4638-97b6-2a2e4d042709.gif
You're supposed to remember this the rest of your lives.
โ†“
e5c66bb8-b678-4567-a4a8-e9b1bf0fe19f.gif
I need to talk to you, Dad.
โ†“
e63ae6aa-600e-47f6-bf5c-e8da740258b8.gif
Dad, if you love us, don't listen to him.
โ†“
79d99327-d402-4d46-b92c-772e57ce3d47.gif
Look at what you're doing.
โ†“
a34fca61-8c26-4bd7-a1b7-16195439b5df.gif
Look at the money you're spending.
โ†“
6af81021-8788-414e-baa6-33ae3fafd58f.gif
Look at the reason why you're spending it.
โ†“
840314e5-246a-41c7-8f8a-a7afdeb6588d.gif
Something is very wrong.
โ†“
cd0d7e46-b923-4923-9224-b1e37a47a03e.gif
I hear you, Malcolm.
โ†“
186351d9-f13e-430e-a54f-fabc3c813526.gif
I understand that things have gotten a little unbalanced
โ†“
e012eecc-8242-427f-8985-039d9514b7a4.gif
and I know what I need to do.
โ†“
01847a46-7e61-4768-95b4-d8e2ac01e745.gif
Thank God.
โ†“
97a5f792-f4d0-4a0f-9188-b83e6e6c272c.gif
I'm going to buy you a car.
โ†“
c6d37e03-27bf-4699-b369-221000940ca8.gif
It's moments like this that really define character.
โ†“
1a3c6efd-1d13-45ae-8167-292ffd083217.gif
I love you, Daddy!
โ†“
f1371e98-997c-4b38-b690-69b734bf0bd9.gif
No, it's not our honeymoon,
โ†“
ee7b9326-2853-4aa2-ba03-9bc0177a2035.gif
but I would like the honeymoon suite.
โ†“
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What?
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No, that must be a mistake.
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My credit card can't be maxed out.
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I just paid the bill.
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Reese!
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Get me out of this.
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Malcolm's getting a car.
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We only did this so Dad wouldn't buy us
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something more expensive.
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I miss Grandpa.
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I know this is wrong.
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But somehow my body's not doing anything to stop it.
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Maybe that means at some level, I don't even know it's wrong.
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And if I don't know if it's wrong,
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then I can't get blamed for doing it.
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Right?
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Now, the high-tech package
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comes with a CG rearview imaging system,
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a GPS and a DVD.
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I don't absolutely need a DVD player.
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Sure you do, Malcolm.
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Every time you stop at a red light,
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I want you watching movies, thinking of your dad.
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- What else have we got? - Want the sports package?
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That's like asking if we want doors.
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There it is, every option we offer,
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including some I didn't even know about.
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Floor mats have undercoating.
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Comes with a 14-year warranty.
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We don't sell many of those.
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All it needs...
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is your signature.
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Huh...
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What?
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My dad had this same pen.
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He must've been a great guy. This is a great pen.
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We don't really need to get into that right now.
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See, I just lost my dad.
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I'm sorry.
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Bet he would've loved to have seen his grandson
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driving that sports pack.
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You know...
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I don't know if he would have.
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He was pretty emotionally distant.
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He had a lot of trouble showing love.
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Yeah.
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Old-timers, eh?
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But I didn't care.
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I didn't care if he had trouble.
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I loved him.
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He was my dad.
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You know, I see that you're in a lot of pain
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right now...
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I'm going to need some grief counseling, too,
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if I let you take me up on this offer I'm giving you.
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I remember coming downstairs in the morning
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and he would be at the table and he would say, "Hey, buddy,
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"I'm doing four things at once:
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"I'm watching TV, I'm reading the newspaper,
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I'm drinking coffee, and I'm talking to you."
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Isn't that amazing?
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You know, I got a guy whose wife died
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who's looking at this car, so...
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He didn't have to do anything for me.
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He was my dad.
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Dad...
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you don't have to do anything for me, either.
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But if you want to...
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that'd be great.
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I lost my dad.
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I know.
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Hello?
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I'm George Takei.
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I played Sulu on Star Trek.
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Did your grandfather die recently?
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Yes.
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Allow me to extend my deepest condolences.
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I got a call from a neighbor
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that your father might like to talk to me.
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And when I called back, the line was busy.
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So I decided to come over.
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It was a six-hour bus ride with a lot of stops.
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May I have some water, please?
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Sorry, my parents aren't home.
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But you can use the hose out front.
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Delightful. If you don't mind,
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I'll make camp on your front lawn
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in anticipation of their return.
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my stock and trade.
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In episode 18, "The Squire of Gothos,"
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the script read, "the crew ad-libs 'hello.'"
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Well, I was off to the races.
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Well, I've got a lot of homework.
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Ooh, mushrooms!
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May I help myself?