♥ Saved GIFs

Loading…

View all favorites →

Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S07E12 — College Recruiters

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 7, Episode 12 — College Recruiters

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Malcolm in the Middle

Episode title: College Recruiters (2)

Air date: January 29, 2006

Director: Peter Lauer

Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson

A broke Francis gets talked into getting a real job by Dewey, but one of Francis' rocker friends decides to offer him the position of tour manager of his band instead. Back home, Hal takes over the college recruiters, which Malcolm refuses to meet with, and treats each one as a suitor. However, Hal's plans are ruined when Malcolm chooses to go Harvard.

Source: TMDB

↓

There you go.

↓

- Liver and beans again? - It's all we had.

beans liver

↓

You've done it again, honey.

honey

↓

Jamie, I'm sorry if you don't like it,

jamie

↓

but I worked very hard to make this,

hard worked

↓

and nobody leaves until their plates are clean.

clean leaves nobody plates

↓

♪ Life is unfair ♪

life unfair

↓

What's the number again?

number

↓

Great. I got it. I'll call you, I promise.

promise

↓

If that wasn't a relative,

relative

↓

I'm going to be very upset.

upset

↓

It's called options.

called options

↓

Why do you think guys date ugly women?

date ugly women

↓

I can't believe her leg hasn't grown back.

believe grown

↓

Honey, calm down.

calm honey

↓

No. I am going to kill her.

kill

↓

You know, if a young person dies, it looks suspicious.

dies person suspicious young

↓

Well, at least Reese is independent now.

independent least reese

↓

Independent?! He's living in our garage!

garage independent living

↓

How independent is that?

independent

↓

Honey, look at the up side.

honey side

↓

We're done.

↓

We still have Jamie and Dewey.

dewey jamie

↓

Oh! Right.

↓

I'm all packed up.

packed

↓

Good for you.

↓

Are you going somewhere?

↓

He's going to Francis's. Let's go over the rules again.

rules

↓

When you are on a bus, what are you to do?

↓

Encouraged.

encouraged

↓

And what if you are on the bus for a few hours

hours

↓

and you have to go to the bathroom really, really bad?

bathroom

↓

- I still don't go. - That's my boy.

↓

Well, I don't know what to say.

↓

We would be delighted to come. What are we having?

delighted having

↓

Looks like baloney, some kind of yellow cheese,

baloney cheese yellow

↓

half a liter of diet soda and Wheat Crisps.

diet diet-soda half soda wheat

↓

Wonderful.

↓

Huh?

↓

This is where you live?

live

↓

Yeah.

↓

Where's Piama?

piama

↓

Her sister's in prison.

prison sisters

↓

Or marrying somebody in prison.

marrying prison somebody

↓

Whatever it was, she bought a dress.

bought dress

↓

So what's the deal with the beard?

beard deal

↓

Oh, this thing? I don't know.

↓

I was trying to find a job

↓

and not really finding anything

finding

↓

and kinda felt like something was holding me back.

holding kinda

↓

I think this makes me stand out from the crowd.

crowd makes stand

↓

Mission accomplished.

accomplished mission mission-accomplished

↓

So this is how you live?

live

↓

No fridge, no real furniture,

fridge furniture real

↓

and the only decoration's a stolen bus bench?

bench decorations stolen

↓

Isn't that great?

↓

Francis, this is... everything I've ever dreamed of!

dreamed francis

↓

This is exactly

↓

how I'll live when I grow up!

grow live

↓

Thanks, Dewey.

dewey thanks

↓

You know, it's not easy

easy

↓

to create this kind of lifestyle.

create lifestyle

↓

Hey, you want to listen to some music?

music

↓

Sure.

↓

Hey, Kipler, turn that crap down!

↓

Feel that bass?

bass

↓

That's a powered subwoofer!

powered

↓

I'm not going to be mean.

↓

I'm going to very nicely tell them

nicely

↓

that their marriage is a sham and must be dissolved.

dissolved marriage must sham

↓

That might backfire.

might

↓

Look what happened

happened

↓

when my mother tried that with us.

mother tried

↓

And what choice do we have?

choice

↓

We can't let them live like hobos

live

↓

in our filthy garage.

filthy garage

↓

Wow!

↓

So beautiful.

↓

Please to enter.

enter

↓

Raduca, I have to say

raduca

↓

it is incredible what you've done with this place.

incredible place

↓

No, no, no, this was Reese.

reese

↓

He gets credit.

credit

↓

Reese, you did this?

reese

↓

He is very determined when you give him task.

determined task

↓

Now, sweetie, you can't give me all the credit.

credit sweetie

↓

We both stomped that spider nest together.

nest spider stomped

↓

Ah, yes, honeymoon.

honeymoon

↓

I am very impressed.

impressed

↓

Is this homework?!

homework

↓

Yeah, Raduca won't let me watch any television until it's finished.

finished raduca television watch

↓

Wives. Am I right?

wives

↓

Education is key to better life.

education life

↓

Reese! Chair!

chair reese

↓

I can't remember

remember

↓

when I've had a baloney-and Wheat-Crisp casserole this good.

baloney casserole crisp wheat

↓

Reese has studying for green card exam.

card exam green reese studying

↓

We must know every spouse's detail:

detail must spouses

↓

Favorite color, toilet habit, my menstruation cycle.

color cycle favorite favorite-color habit toilet

↓

I think I'm done.

↓

Reese! Plates!

plates reese

↓

Did you see the way she talks to him?

talks

↓

She has broken his spirit.

broken spirit

↓

He's not our Reese anymore.

anymore reese

↓

I know. It's fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Yeah.

↓

There's our little scholar.

scholar

↓

What?

↓

Malcolm, this is Milt Anderson,

anderson malcolm

↓

- a recruiter from M.I.T. - Dad...

↓

We talked about this, and you're sitting here

sitting talked

↓

and listening to what he has to say, got it?

listening

↓

- But... - Now, Malcolm, I know...

malcolm

↓

you've got a lot of questions.

questions

↓

Yeah.

↓

Uh, you're from M.I.T.

↓

That's right. Mississippi Institute of Technology.

institute mississippi technology

↓

What?

↓

Now, I know everybody always

everybody

↓

assumes it's Massachusetts.

assumes

↓

And hey, they do good work, too, but can they offer you

offer

↓

the same kind of God-centric approach to science that we do?

approach science

↓

Now, I know you're a gentleman

gentleman

↓

and you're not going to want to make a decision

decision

↓

until you come down

↓

and taste some of the best catfish

best catfish taste

↓

that ever melted into your mouth!

melted mouth

↓

Dad, could I talk to you for a second?

second

↓

Of course.

course

↓

Any chance you could air ship some of those?

chance ship

↓

Dad, this is a complete waste of time.

complete waste

↓

I've already told you

↓

there are only four colleges in the whole world

colleges four whole whole-world world

↓

that have the nuclear biology programs that I'm interested in.

biology interested nuclear programs

↓

And this M.I.T. and Kolumbia with a K

↓

aren't on the list.

list

↓

Maybe this isn't the school of your dreams,

dreams school

↓

but you need a fallback position.

position

↓

Forget about it, Dad. This is my decision

decision forget

↓

and I'm not talking to these bozos.

bozos

↓

All right, fine. I'll do it for you.

↓

But one day, you'll thank me.

↓

Uh, Milt, you'll have to excuse Malcolm.

excuse malcolm

↓

He, uh, had to do some brain exercises.

brain exercises

↓

You know, mental squats and such.

mental

↓

Anyway, tell me about your science department.

department science

↓

Well, I'd love to.

love

↓

Let me just find my brochure.

brochure

↓

Here, why don't you take one of my key chains?

chains

↓

It lights up!

lights

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

What else you got in there?

↓

Ooh, uh, I like that beer cozy.

beer cozy

↓

But I suppose it's either or.

suppose

↓

Hm-hmm-hmm...

↓

Why do we have to get a stupid green card anyway?

card green stupid

↓

I hate studying. It's so boring.

boring hate studying

↓

Shut up and

↓

look at my breasts!

breasts

↓

This is the kind of thing that will be on test.

test

↓

Note the number and the position of the beauty marks.

beauty marks note number position

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

Eyes down here!

eyes

↓

Look, I'm sorry.

↓

That's okay.

↓

Sometimes it's better

sometimes

↓

to see water slides from a distance.

distance slides water

↓

You make plans for a perfectly good time,

perfectly plans

↓

and they go and fix the hole in the fence.

fence hole

↓

I just wish I had the kind of money to buy us tickets.

money tickets wish

↓

I would have lent you the six bucks.

bucks lent

↓

Hey, I don't roll that way.

roll

↓

It's bad enough I'm letting my little brother

brother letting

↓

buy me dinner tonight.

dinner dinner-tonight tonight

↓

So what do you want to do until then?

↓

We could wrestle.

wrestle

↓

You want to wrestle for seven hours?

hours seven seven-hours wrestle

↓

You in there! Where's my rent!

rent

↓

Mr. Banner,

banner

↓

I can't open the door right now.

door open

↓

Bark right now.

bark

↓

It's my dog. He's crazy.

crazy

↓

And big.

↓

I want that rent! It better be in my mailbox in 48 hours!

hours mailbox rent

↓

Whew.

whew

↓

So, Greco-Roman or freestyle?

roman

↓

Oh, no. No more studying. I need a break.

break studying

↓

Reese, what are you doing here?!

reese

↓

What's that? Who's there?

↓

Raduca, who is this?!

raduca

↓

Um, this is, um, Bela,

↓

and I have known him for many years

known years

↓

because... he is my brother.

brother

↓

I can't believe you!

believe

↓

You had your brother in town and don't tell me?!

brother town

↓

Get over here!

↓

Sorry I kept you boys waiting.

boys waiting

↓

I thought I had 4:30.

↓

You told me 4:30 a week ago.

week

↓

Boys, please, it's my fault.

boys fault

↓

I've just had so many recruiters calling,

calling

↓

they've got me coming and going.

coming

↓

Tea?

↓

Waybridge, huh?

↓

Guess Nick beat us here.

beat nick

↓

I just like the color. It doesn't mean anything.

color

↓

You know, Grandville has terrific sweaters.

sweaters terrific

↓

In fact, we have a collapsible

fact

↓

umbrella people love.

love umbrella

↓

Please, it's not about merchandise.

merchandise

↓

It's about education.

education

↓

Oh.

↓

Of course, it is easier to study

course easier study

↓

when you're dry and toasty.

toasty

↓

You got it.

↓

Now,

↓

tell me about your respective universities.

respective

↓

At Grandville, the head of our physics department

department head physics

↓

just won a Nobel prize.

nobel nobel-prize prize

↓

That's very impressive.

impressive

↓

At Euclid, we think it's about results.

results

↓

For example, 70% of Euclid graduates

example graduates

↓

take care of their parents in retirement.

care parents retirement

↓

Oh, I like that.

↓

How can you keep those stats?

stats

↓

Do you have you no shame?

shame

↓

Your Nobel prize was shared, okay?

nobel nobel-prize prize shared

↓

Your cyclotron is underfunded.

↓

- How dare you! - Boys...

boys dare

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Hello.

↓

Oh, um,

↓

yes.

↓

Hi, Barry. Yes, I've been thinking about you, too.

barry thinking

↓

Listen, I can't talk.

↓

Is that Barry from Michigan?

barry michigan

↓

Well, never you mind who's here.

mind

↓

Yes, I got your muffins. They were delicious

delicious muffins

↓

and very thoughtful of you.

thoughtful

↓

Oh, stop! You are relentless.

relentless

↓

I hope I didn't keep you up last night with all that noise.

hope night noise

↓

Geez, Reese, I don't want to hear about your sex life.

geez life reese

↓

What? No, I was getting the oil stains out of the driveway.

driveway stains

↓

- Oh. - For your information,

information

↓

marriage isn't just about sex.

marriage

↓

It's about commitment. Anyway, you know

commitment

↓

we can't have sex until after the waiting period.

period waiting

↓

The waiting period?

period waiting

↓

Poor, naive Malcolm.

malcolm naive poor

↓

All women, when they get married,

married women

↓

require a waiting period of six months to a year.

months period require waiting

↓

You know, if you got your nose out of a book,

book nose

↓

and started living life a little,

life living started

↓

you might know these things.

might

↓

Raduca is a delicate flower,

delicate flower raduca

↓

and it's going to take some time for her

↓

to get used to the idea of being with a man.

idea used

↓

- Who's that? - Her brother Bela.

brother

↓

Doesn't look much like her.

↓

Shows how much you know.

shows

↓

I've never seen two people closer in my life.

closer life seen

↓

Mom, when Raduca found out

found raduca

↓

I took the food out of your refrigerator,

food refrigerator

↓

she was pretty upset.

upset

↓

She says we shouldn't be living off you.

living

↓

Really?

↓

I owe you 14 slices of bologna...

slices

↓

a half a liter of soda...

half soda

↓

Reese, I was against your marriage from the beginning.

beginning marriage reese

↓

I thought it was a mistake for you

mistake

↓

to be tied down so early in life.

early life tied

↓

But, I see you and Raduca together

raduca

↓

and, I must say, I think she's good for you.

must

↓

You do?

↓

Why are you saying that?

↓

Well, I'm giving you my blessing.

blessing giving

↓

I see what's happening here.

↓

You're using reverse psychology.

psychology reverse reverse-psychology using

↓

It's not working.

working

↓

No, I'm really just saying that I like her,

↓

and I like how you are when you're with her.

↓

Nice try, Mom, but I'm staying with Raduca.

raduca staying

↓

And I approve.

approve

↓

You'd like me to think so, wouldn't you?

↓

Yes, I would.

↓

Well, I'm staying with her, Mom.

staying

↓

Check and mate.

check mate

↓

If you were worried about today's

todays worried

↓

activities, you can just relax.

activities relax

↓

My neighbors are on vacation,

neighbors vacation

↓

so good-bye, Seelys, hello, cable television.

cable television

↓

I have a better idea.

idea

↓

There's a job center I thought we could go to.

center

↓

Oh, I get it.

↓

My little bro is worried about me.

worried

↓

Maybe a little.

↓

Plus, cable is so overrated.

cable plus

↓

Look, Dewey, I know it may seem

dewey

↓

like I don't have a lot going on,

↓

but I've got plenty of irons in the fire.

fire irons plenty

↓

Like my screenplay.

screenplay

↓

It's only five pages.

five pages

↓

They're probably going to bring in some high-priced rewriter.

bring

↓

Why should I do his work for him?

↓

Do you have any other irons?

irons

↓

Look, I know it's tough to break into Hollywood.

break hollywood tough

↓

I'd be pretty stupid to rest everything on that.

rest stupid

↓

That's why I'm training a possum.

possum training

↓

- To do what? - Dial a phone,

dial phone

↓

hop on one foot, walk like John Wayne--

foot john walk wayne

↓

stuff that people who visit roadside circuses like to see.

roadside stuff visit

↓

So, does that put your mind at ease?

ease mind

↓

Francis, you have to get a life.

francis life

↓

I have a life.

life

↓

I've got my hobbies, my bus bench,

bench hobbies

↓

the guys at the apartment pool.

apartment pool

↓

I'm only 12, and I can see that this is a dead end.

dead

↓

Oh. So you know what I should do better than I do.

↓

- You're just like Mom. - Maybe Mom has a point.

point

↓

Maybe just hanging out by the pool

hanging pool

↓

isn't going to be the stepping-stone

stepping stone

↓

you're hoping for.

hoping

↓

You never supported me! All I'm saying is

supported

↓

jobs don't just drop out of the sky.

drop jobs

↓

I hate you!

hate

↓

Fighting Irish or Golden Gophers?

fighting golden irish

↓

Blue and gold...

blue gold

↓

Dad, I'm sorry.

↓

I know we fought about this,

fought

↓

but the truth is I'm actually glad

glad truth

↓

you kept those college guys off my back.

college

↓

Well, son, it hasn't been easy.

easy

↓

Today I've got two lunches, a coffee...

coffee lunches today

↓

Oh! And I'm going bowling with a guy from Yale.

bowling yale

↓

Thanks to you, I was able to clear my head and make my decision.

able clear decision head thanks

↓

No, you haven't.

↓

I have a lobster dinner next Tuesday.

dinner lobster tuesday

↓

I've decided to go to Harvard.

decided harvard

↓

Harvard? I waited at that frozen yogurt shop for two hours,

frozen frozen-yogurt harvard hours shop waited yogurt

↓

and he never showed!

showed

↓

I just wrote a letter of early acceptance.

acceptance early letter wrote

↓

I'm mailing it today.

mailing today

↓

They can accept me as early as tomorrow,

accept early tomorrow

↓

and all this will stop.

↓

- Stop? - Thanks again, Dad.

thanks

↓

It's a big relief to me.

relief

↓

Harvard?

harvard

↓

You're destroying your life!

destroying life

↓

Sorry, Francis.

francis

↓

I guess visiting wasn't such a great idea.

idea visiting

↓

Thanks for trying to show me a good time.

thanks

↓

I only need bus fare to get home,

fare home

↓

so I'm leaving you the rest.

leaving rest

↓

Good-bye, Francis.

francis

↓

Wait.

↓

Wow!

↓

Francis, you look great.

francis

↓

Thanks. I realized you were right.

realized thanks

↓

For some reason, I've just been sitting around

reason sitting

↓

waiting for my life to start happening.

life start waiting

↓

I know that it's childish and immature for me

childish immature

↓

to think that some job is just going to fall out of the sky.

fall

↓

Hey, man, what's up?

↓

Francis, you're never going to believe this! Hey.

believe francis

↓

Remember how you were always telling us to "rock on"?

remember rock telling

↓

Yeah, Travis. Rock on.

rock

↓

That's what we did!

↓

And now they signed my band, Ass Bandit,

band bandit signed

↓

to a record contract.

contract record

↓

We actually have a song

song

↓

on the radio, and we were wondering

radio wondering

↓

if you wanted to manage us.

manage wanted

↓

- Really? - Yeah, man!

↓

You were always there for us--

↓

borrowing our money so we couldn't get wasted on beer,

beer borrowing money wasted

↓

taking our car so we'd be stuck here

stuck

↓

and have to practice all the time,

practice

↓

and it totally paid off.

paid

↓

Now we are going to tour Europe!

europe tour

↓

You got to come with us, Francis.

francis

↓

All you got to do is make sure the hotel rooms kick ass

hotel kick rooms

↓

and the chicks are hot.

chicks

↓

I don't know... Sounds like a lot of traveling.

sounds traveling

↓

Aw, what the hell? I'll do it.

↓

Tawny port.

port

↓

I want this to be a night to remember.

night remember

↓

I think it could be.

↓

Malcolm told me that he was very excited

excited malcolm

↓

about Bagley-Owens University.

university

↓

Well, we're very excited about Malcolm.

excited malcolm

↓

Are you really?

↓

Well, perhaps this will convince you.

convince perhaps

↓

Oh, Vince... I don't know what to say.

vince

↓

Just say, "Yes, Malcolm will be going to Bagley next fall."

fall malcolm

↓

May I?

↓

I'm such a mess, I can't even get it on my finger.

finger mess

↓

- Let me help. - Oh!

↓

Dad...

↓

Malcolm, what are you doing here?

malcolm

↓

What was my letter of intent to Harvard

harvard intent letter

↓

doing in your secret money drawer?

drawer money secret

↓

Harvard?

harvard

↓

Is this true, Hal?

↓

You're damn right it is!

↓

I think this dinner's over.

dinners

↓

- Vince, I can explain. - I don't want to hear it.

explain vince

↓

Good-bye, Vince.

vince

↓

This is my decision.

decision

↓

My future.

future

↓

You're a kid. You could change your mind.

change mind

↓

You just needed a cooling-off period.

cooling needed period

↓

I almost married a Mexican woman

married mexican woman

↓

two weeks before I married your mother.

married mother weeks

↓

What are you doing?

↓

You're mortgaging my future

future

↓

for some dinners and a few sweaters?

dinners sweaters

↓

I got other stuff-- ponchos, seat cushions...

cushions seat stuff

↓

All right, I was going to let you make the final decision,

decision final

↓

but I... I just liked the attention.

attention liked

↓

No, I... I loved the attention.

attention loved

↓

If I was a woman, I'd be a slut.

slut woman

↓

You were just leading all these guys on.

leading

↓

I know. It's just...

↓

Malcolm, I'm an average guy,

average malcolm

↓

in the middle of my life,

life middle

↓

in a job that can replace me in an hour.

hour replace

↓

I was never an important man.

↓

You're the only important thing I've ever done.

↓

Oh, God!

↓

Don't feel bad, Dad.

↓

You raised me.

raised

↓

You deserve the attention.

attention deserve

↓

No! Vince left the check.

check left vince

↓

Reese, what's wrong?

reese

↓

I got the results of our green card test in this envelope.

card envelope green results test

↓

But I just can't open it!

open

↓

I know I didn't pass. I totally panicked.

panicked pass

↓

Oh, Reese, don't be silly.

reese silly

↓

These tests are for people who aren't living together.

living tests

↓

Who aren't in love.

love

↓

You have a real marriage.

marriage real

↓

This is no problem.

problem

↓

- But, Mom, what if I...? - You'll be fine.

↓

This is a mother's promise to her son.

mothers promise

↓

Oh, wow, Reese. I'm so, so sorry.

reese

↓

Quit stalling! How did I do?

quit stalling

↓

The INS is denying Raduca's request for a green card.

card denying green request

↓

They're questioning the validity of your marriage.

marriage questioning

↓

They want her to report to their office tomorrow.

office report tomorrow

↓

You said Raduca had a tail?

raduca tail

↓

Might have a tail!

might tail

↓

I don't know what the hell is going on back there!

↓

I was nervous.

nervous

↓

Reese, I feel just terrible.

reese

↓

That's it.

↓

It's the end of my marriage.

marriage

↓

The one thing that was going right in my life is ruined.

life ruined

↓

No, Reese. Nothing is ruined.

reese ruined

↓

If you love this girl,

girl love

↓

you'll find a way to overcome this obstacle.

obstacle overcome

↓

I don't know.

↓

Remember when I told you you couldn't keep that tarantula?

remember tarantula

↓

Six months later, what did I find in my salad?

months salad

↓

My tarantula.

tarantula

↓

You hung onto it because you loved it.

hung loved

↓

And you love Raduca.

love raduca

↓

We are not going to let the United States government

government states states-government united united-states united-states-government

↓

smash her with a shoe.

shoe smash

↓

Come on. Let's go tell her

↓

we'll figure out a way to work this thing out.

figure

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

How come your brother doesn't have a waiting period?!

brother period waiting

↓

Dewey, I just got off the phone with your English teacher.

dewey english phone teacher

↓

She said you got an "F" on your paper.

paper

↓

Huh!

↓

An "F"!

↓

You keep this up,

↓

you'll fail the class, which will go on your record,

class fail record

↓

which will determine where you are placed in high school

determine placed school

↓

and where you will go to college, if anywhere.

college

↓

Don't go to college.

college

↓

It's okay with me.

↓

How do you think

↓

you're going to make your way in the world?

world

↓

You don't get it, Mom.

↓

Things take care of themselves.

care

↓

Rock on.

rock