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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S06E16 — No Motorcycles

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 6, Episode 16 — No Motorcycles

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Malcolm in the Middle

Episode title: No Motorcycles

Air date: April 03, 2005

Director: Jimmy Simons

Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson

When Francis and Piama choose to celebrate Francis' 21st birthday at the house, Hal is reminded of a promise he made to his son as a young child, involving a motorcycle trip that Lois quickly forbids. Hal and Francis have no choice but to sneak off for their wild adventure, leaving their women behind. Meanwhile Malcolm, Dewey and Reese are held captive in their own home by a bully.

Source: TMDB

↓

Boy, when you wet the tip,

↓

this thing really cracks.

cracks

↓

Hey, would you hold this for me?

↓

What's that on the floor?

floor

↓

The poem I wrote about kittens.

kittens poem wrote

↓

That's so weird.

weird

↓

I guess I have no choice

choice

↓

but to bend over wearing last year's shorts

bend shorts wearing years

↓

and pick it up.

pick

↓

He's really sick, Mom.

sick

↓

HAL Peter Pan?

peter

↓

Peter Pan?

peter

↓

Peter Pan.

peter

↓

Oh, Francis, please.

francis

↓

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

↓

I didn't know your school play was today.

school today

↓

You saw me leave in this costume!

costume

↓

Francis, please, stop crying.

crying francis

↓

I am so sorry.

↓

Look, I'll do anything to make it up to you.

↓

What do you want? I'll do anything.

↓

I want to go on a motorcycle trip

motorcycle motorcycle-trip trip

↓

like you always talk about.

↓

Honey, that was way back in college.

college honey

↓

And you know how your mother feels...

feels mother

↓

I want a motorcycle trip with my dad!

motorcycle motorcycle-trip trip

↓

Okay. Okay. I'll tell you what.

↓

When you turn 21, I promise I will take you

promise

↓

on the most awesome, special motorcycle trip, okay?

awesome motorcycle motorcycle-trip special trip

↓

We'll go when you turn 21.

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Motorcycle trip.

motorcycle motorcycle-trip trip

↓

At first I thought you were just saying it

↓

to shut me up.

↓

You're just saying this to shut me up.

↓

No! Son, this is a promise.

promise

↓

On the day of your 21st birthday,

birthday

↓

I swear by all that is holy,

holy swear

↓

you and I will go on a father-son motorcycle trip,

father motorcycle motorcycle-trip trip

↓

so help me God!

↓

How are you going to get Mom to let you?

↓

I swear on my life, Francis, nothing will stop this.

francis life swear

↓

This is the holiest, most sacred promise

promise sacred

↓

between a father and a son.

father

↓

And nothing, and I mean nothing,

↓

can ever undo this promise!

promise undo

↓

Boy, sure liked to nail things down, didn't I?

liked nail

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

It's going to be great.

↓

Wait, wasn't there...?

↓

This is sealed in blood.

blood sealed

↓

Do you hear me, son?

↓

Sealed in blood.

blood sealed

↓

Oh, crap.

↓

And three from me. So we're agreed.

agreed three

↓

We're giving Francis nine dollars for his birthday.

birthday dollars francis giving nine

↓

Hey, your friend's outside.

friends

↓

What do you mean "friend"?

friend

↓

Your friend, Randy somebody.

friend randy somebody

↓

- Really big kid. - Randy Zane?

randy

↓

Yeah, I think he wants to play baseball.

baseball wants

↓

- What? - He's outside right now

↓

with his bat.

↓

I suggested a rotating calendar years ago,

calendar suggested years

↓

and you guys ignored me.

ignored

↓

And here we are.

↓

Let's just go tell Mom.

↓

We can't. If we send Mom out there,

send

↓

Randy will just tell her what we did,

randy

↓

and then they'll both be after us.

↓

Did you see that movie where Freddie teamed up with Jason?

freddie jason movie

↓

Is that what you want?

↓

Oh, my God, he's still out there.

↓

I think he grew.

grew

↓

Why is he smoking two cigarettes?

cigarettes smoking

↓

Those are his eyes.

eyes

↓

Hal, what are you doing?

↓

I'm just trying to think of some wise things

wise

↓

to say to Francis tomorrow.

francis tomorrow

↓

A father should have some wisdom for his son, don't you think?

father wisdom

↓

Well, it is a big day.

↓

You only turn 21 once.

↓

Hey...

↓

remember before he was born,

born remember

↓

and I had that Harley Da--

harley

↓

No motorcycles ever!

motorcycles

↓

You do not talk about motorcycles.

motorcycles

↓

You do not think, you do not wish,

wish

↓

you do not even reminisce about

↓

those stupid, idiotic death traps!

death idiotic stupid traps

↓

They do not exist!

exist

↓

Motorcycles do not exist!

exist motorcycles

↓

Say it!

↓

Motorcycles do not exist.

exist motorcycles

↓

What does not exist?

exist

↓

- I don't know. - Good!

↓

He was out there all night?

night

↓

Doesn't he get bored?

bored

↓

Do sharks get bored?

bored sharks

↓

You know what, we'll just stay inside all day today, too.

today

↓

We can last longer than he can.

longer

↓

Mmm.

↓

So that's your famous pasta sauce

famous pasta sauce

↓

Francis talks so much about?

francis talks

↓

Yeah, I only make it for birthdays and acquittals.

birthdays

↓

One time it was both.

↓

I just love the smell of home cooking.

cooking home love smell

↓

Really?

↓

Do you know there's a way

↓

to get that smell in your own house?

house smell

↓

Okay, it's all set up.

↓

The rental place is delivering two motorcycles

delivering motorcycles place rental

↓

to the gas station on 10th and Coolidge.

station

↓

I already have a couple of satchels packed.

couple packed

↓

At 5:30, we'll just slip out and disappear.

disappear slip

↓

This is so awesome.

awesome

↓

So Francis, your birthday dinner starts at 6:00.

birthday dinner francis starts

↓

I hope you're hungry.

hope hungry

↓

Oh, gosh, I sure am.

gosh

↓

I'm hungry for all of it.

hungry

↓

My only problem will be deciding

deciding problem

↓

which amazing side dish to eat first.

amazing dish side

↓

But I guess I'll solve that problem at 6:00

problem solve

↓

'cause that's when my birthday party starts.

birthday birthday-party party starts

↓

Be cool.

cool

↓

We're going to be stuck in here forever.

forever stuck

↓

It'll be fine.

itll

↓

Eventually, he'll get bored,

bored eventually

↓

or tired, or die of starvation.

tired

↓

But who knows how long that could take?

knows

↓

I'm going crazy here.

crazy

↓

I mean, look at me-- I'm reading a book.

book reading

↓

This is dumb.

dumb

↓

I'm not going to do this anymore.

anymore

↓

I'm just going to go out

↓

and see if it's me he wants.

wants

↓

What are you, nuts?

nuts

↓

I'm not going to live like this.

live

↓

I've been beaten before.

beaten

↓

I'm just going to get it over with

↓

and live the rest of my life.

life live rest

↓

God, he's walking right up to him.

walking

↓

Randy's hitting him.

hitting

↓

He's hitting him.

hitting

↓

It's not us!

↓

You know, for a little kid,

↓

he can really take a punch.

punch

↓

I can't believe I've been going so easy on him.

believe easy

↓

Give me the tape, and I'll get this side.

side tape

↓

Oh, I got it.

↓

This tape dispenser is tricky.

tape tricky

↓

It'll take me longer to explain it.

explain itll longer

↓

Dewey, are you okay?

dewey

↓

Boy, that was a beating.

beating

↓

I mean, no offense to you guys, but "wow."

offense

↓

Why did he beat you up? Did he say?

beat

↓

Actually, he said it wasn't me.

↓

Then why'd he beat you up?

beat whyd

↓

He said it was just a warm-up.

warm

↓

Then he said to send out my brother.

brother send

↓

Which brother, me or Malcolm?

brother malcolm

↓

He just said "brother."

brother

↓

Boy, what a weight off.

weight

↓

It's just so great to have this over with.

↓

I'm finally free.

finally free

↓

And I'm getting some major tooth fairy money.

fairy major money tooth tooth-fairy

↓

You know, Hal, I realized this afternoon

afternoon realized

↓

we don't have any pictures from Francis's birthday parties.

birthday birthday-parties parties pictures

↓

I want you to make sure you have plenty of film in the camera.

camera film plenty

↓

Will do. Get ready for a boatload of memories.

memories ready

↓

- Uh, Dad? - Yeah?

↓

Can you come out here for a sec?

↓

Sure.

↓

No, no, no, no, no.

↓

These were supposed to go to the gas station.

station supposed

↓

That's what I'm telling him.

telling

↓

Look, this is the address that's on the credit card.

address card credit credit-card

↓

But these can't be anywhere near here.

near

↓

You have to take them to the gas station.

station

↓

I'm not even insured to touch these things

touch

↓

once they're off the truck.

truck

↓

But you know, you want them taken down to the gas station,

station taken

↓

they are motorcycles.

motorcycles

↓

Is everything okay out there, honey?

honey

↓

Fine, no problem.

problem

↓

Francis just wanted to make sure

francis wanted

↓

that we weren't wearing the same outfit tonight.

outfit tonight wearing

↓

Okay, just help me get these in the garage.

garage

↓

Wow. Those are cool!

cool

↓

Listen, do not say a word about this.

word

↓

If you just stay quiet, I promise when you turn 21,

promise quiet

↓

I will take you on a trip with me on a rocket ship.

rocket rocket-ship ship trip

↓

A rocket ship, Dewey.

dewey rocket rocket-ship ship

↓

I swear on my life.

life swear

↓

I swear on everything that is sacred,

sacred swear

↓

as God is my witness.

witness

↓

Ow.

↓

Ooh, how did you...? I don't care.

care

↓

Francis, come on, quickly.

francis quickly

↓

How do I...?

↓

Just kick it into neutral and follow me.

follow kick neutral

↓

Just turn left and gun it!

left

↓

I'll call you later!

↓

Love you!

love

↓

This should have been the greatest day of our lives.

greatest lives

↓

Dad and Francis rode

francis rode

↓

motorcycles through the living room,

living living-room motorcycles room

↓

and where were we?

↓

Hiding under our beds.

beds hiding

↓

"Oh, I'm really looking forward to dinner."

dinner forward looking looking-forward

↓

What a jerk.

jerk

↓

I don't know what I'm gonna end up doing to him.

↓

All I know is

↓

every stroke of this brush

brush stroke

↓

strengthens my killing arm.

killing

↓

Do you have another bucket?

another bucket

↓

I can get started on the tracks in the living room.

living living-room room started tracks

↓

Oh, I'll just end up redoing them all myself anyway.

↓

Why don't you just watch some TV?

watch

↓

Then you'll be out of the way.

↓

Lois!

lois

↓

No one is as useless as you think I am!

useless

↓

My focus should be

focus

↓

on hating my husband and planning revenge,

hating husband planning revenge

↓

not worrying about whether I belong here.

belong whether worrying

↓

You are absolutely right.

absolutely

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

You deserve better.

deserve

↓

Thank you.

↓

I appreciate that.

appreciate

↓

So now what?

↓

Well, I don't know.

↓

We're kind of in uncharted waters here.

waters

↓

Drink?

drink

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Oh, man, what a day.

↓

What a ride.

ride

↓

- Oh. - That was fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Yeah. Just wait.

↓

Tomorrow we go around the lake

lake tomorrow

↓

to this funky old hot springs you are gonna love.

funky love springs

↓

This is the same route I used to take every month

month route used

↓

with my buddy, Roy,

buddy

↓

until he got dragged

dragged

↓

a quarter mile by that school bus.

mile quarter school

↓

Thanks for doing this, Dad.

thanks

↓

You know, son,

↓

you should always pick battles

battles pick

↓

that are big enough to matter,

matter

↓

but small enough to win.

↓

Yeah, okay.

↓

I say life is the only real counselor.

counselor life real

↓

Wisdom unfiltered

wisdom

↓

through personal experience

experience personal

↓

does not become part of the moral tissue.

become moral part tissue

↓

Dad, you feeling okay?

feeling

↓

Ah.

↓

Never mind.

mind

↓

Listen, I have got something really special for you.

special

↓

You know, it's kind of a father-son thing

father

↓

to honor the occasion.

honor occasion

↓

It was a little expensive,

expensive

↓

but I am going to sit with my 21-year-old son

↓

and share a 21-year-old bottle of Scotch.

bottle scotch share

↓

The guy at Liquor Clown said this was the best.

best clown liquor

↓

Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

↓

I'm sober now.

sober

↓

I don't drink anymore.

anymore drink

↓

What?

↓

I'm sober now.

sober

↓

I went to A.A.

↓

What?

↓

When did this happen?

happen

↓

Last year.

↓

It just became a problem, and I kind of bottomed out,

became problem

↓

so I decided to get some help,

decided

↓

and I've been sober for six months now.

months sober

↓

And you didn't tell me about this?

↓

Well, I'm telling you now.

telling

↓

What good is it to tell me now?

↓

I'm your father.

father

↓

You could have come to me about this.

↓

Instead you go to a bunch of strangers

bunch strangers

↓

with drinking problems?

drinking problems

↓

Well, I'm sorry... I guess.

↓

Which one of the 12 steps is the one

steps

↓

where you act like your father doesn't exist?

exist father

↓

Dad, what's the big deal? It was my problem.

deal problem

↓

I went, and I did what I needed to do to get help.

needed

↓

I'm supposed to help you.

supposed

↓

I deserve to know.

deserve

↓

And meanwhile, I plan this whole trip,

meanwhile plan trip whole

↓

and now I find out you're sober,

sober

↓

and I'm standing here with a bottle of booze

booze bottle standing

↓

like some kind of jackass.

jackass

↓

You know, it's just a little tough...

tough

↓

Wow.

↓

It's just little tough to find out.

tough

↓

Do you have any other surprises for me?

surprises

↓

Do I have any grandchildren I never met?

grandchildren

↓

Do you have a boyfriend?!

boyfriend

↓

Dad, come on.

↓

This is a nice trip.

trip

↓

I want to enjoy this.

enjoy

↓

I'm going to bed.

↓

I liked the thing you said about picking battles.

battles liked picking

↓

I got it off a billboard.

billboard

↓

Oh, look at this.

↓

You got Francis a watch.

francis watch

↓

That was so nice of you.

↓

This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP.

brothers doobie rare

↓

Oh. Hal almost cried

cried

↓

when he found this at a yard sale.

found sale yard

↓

Still doesn't seem like enough.

↓

Oh, honey, this is just

honey

↓

how we get the creative juices flowing.

creative flowing juices

↓

It's tough.

tough

↓

You have to make your husband miserable,

husband miserable

↓

but I have to make mine miserable

miserable

↓

and make it a warning

warning

↓

to the other three boys in the house.

boys house three

↓

Do men ever think about what's gonna happen

happen

↓

when they do these stupid things?

stupid

↓

No, that's what's weird about men, they never do.

weird

↓

I guarantee you those two

guarantee

↓

won't even think about the consequences of their actions

actions consequences

↓

until five minutes before they come home.

five five-minutes home minutes

↓

So no matter how low I set the bar,

matter

↓

he'll still find a way to crawl under it?

crawl

↓

You still think there's a bar.

↓

That's so cute.

cute

↓

Look at him-- sleeping peacefully

peacefully sleeping

↓

while I'm sitting here going through hell.

sitting

↓

It's not fair.

fair

↓

God, when did this room get so small?

room

↓

I hate this.

hate

↓

Reese, come on, go to sleep.

reese sleep

↓

I can't. I just keep thinking about the beating.

beating thinking

↓

How long it'll hurt, how bad it'll be,

hurt itll

↓

when it's gonna happen.

happen

↓

What if it's on the Fourth of July?

fourth july

↓

That'll ruin it.

ruin thatll

↓

I was gonna have pie.

↓

Dude, you have to calm down.

calm

↓

We can wait it out.

↓

We can beat this.

beat

↓

I can't take this anymore.

anymore

↓

I'm going out there.

↓

It's probably me he wants, anyway.

wants

↓

Reese, that's stupid.

reese stupid

↓

There is no logic in that.

logic

↓

Yes, there is.

↓

He is just getting madder and madder.

↓

And the longer he has to wait,

longer

↓

the worse the beating's gonna be.

beatings worse

↓

Reese, think about it.

reese

↓

Dewey got beat up even though Randy wasn't after him.

beat dewey randy

↓

If you go out there now, he'll beat you up

beat

↓

even if you're not the one he wants,

wants

↓

just to send a message to me.

message send

↓

I don't care anymore.

anymore care care-anymore

↓

But if you just wait,

↓

I'll figure out a way to get out of this.

figure

↓

I am not gonna wait while you keep trying to come up

↓

with some plan that you'll never come up with.

plan

↓

I have to live in the real world.

live real real-world world

↓

Ow! Ow!

↓

Ow!

↓

Ow! Ow!

↓

Ah!

↓

This mud feels fantastic, doesn't it?

fantastic feels

↓

It's so soothing,

soothing

↓

I don't even care about all the hundreds of people

care hundreds

↓

who left their pubes in here.

left pubes

↓

Come on, Dad.

↓

We should be making the most of this.

↓

You sulked all the way here,

↓

you sulked all the way through the cold plunge,

cold

↓

you even sulked when they beat us with juniper branches.

beat branches

↓

Stop being such a baby.

baby

↓

I'm sorry I had such high expectations

expectations

↓

for this trip.

trip

↓

For all the trouble

trouble

↓

I went to, I thought maybe

↓

I could be an important part of your life.

life part

↓

This has been a nice trip, Dad.

trip

↓

This is exactly how I was hoping it would be.

hoping

↓

It just gets to me, Francis.

francis

↓

I mean, how did we get to this point

point

↓

where you're doing all this stuff without me?

stuff

↓

I mean, you're-you're traveling everywhere,

traveling

↓

you're getting married,

married

↓

you're doing all these things without even telling me.

telling

↓

And now I find out you even went to A.A.

↓

without telling me?

telling

↓

I can't help it, Dad.

↓

I'm a grownup now.

↓

It happens.

happens

↓

And I missed it.

missed

↓

I mean, here you've grown into this nice,

grown

↓

responsible, decent man,

decent responsible

↓

and I didn't get to be there for it.

↓

I missed you being there, too, Dad.

missed

↓

It kind of makes me happy you feel sad about it.

happy makes

↓

Well, that's something, anyway, heh.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Five minutes.

five five-minutes minutes

↓

Holy crap! We've got to get back home!

holy home

↓

Do you realize how much trouble we're in?

realize trouble

↓

Oh, God, you're right.

↓

We're dead. We can't go back.

dead

↓

No, no, no, no, wait. I'll think of something.

↓

I've been married for 20 years,

married years

↓

and I've gotten out of a lot of trouble.

gotten trouble

↓

Wait, how is it 20 years if I'm 21?

years

↓

Just shut up and let me think.

↓

Okay.

↓

I have something.

↓

What?

↓

Ow! God. What the hell was that for?

↓

You were in a terrible motorcycle accident

accident motorcycle

↓

that taught you a lesson.

lesson taught

↓

Now it's not gonna solve everything,

solve

↓

but it's gonna make your apology go down a lot easier

apology easier

↓

because it makes them right,

makes

↓

which is what they really want.

↓

Dad, you're brilliant.

brilliant

↓

There's no time for that. Just do me now.

↓

You're gonna want to grab

grab

↓

between the second and third knuckle,

knuckle second third

↓

and go up and back in one smooth motion.

motion smooth

↓

But just those two, so I can still work the throttle.

throttle

↓

I love you, Dad.

love

↓

I love you, too, son.

love

↓

You were right, Dewey.

dewey

↓

I can't tell you how much better I feel.

↓

Told ya.

↓

It's really freeing.

freeing

↓

Especially knowing

especially knowing

↓

he still wants the other brother.

brother wants

↓

Malcolm, you got to go out there.

malcolm

↓

It's time. He wants you.

wants

↓

No. By October,

october

↓

I'll be strong enough to beat him.

beat strong

↓

Come on, Malcolm, there's school tomorrow.

malcolm school school-tomorrow tomorrow

↓

You can pretend to be sick for a few days,

days pretend sick

↓

but sooner or later,

sooner

↓

Mom gets involved. Then what?

involved

↓

I'll think of something.

↓

Thinking won't do it, Malcolm.

malcolm thinking

↓

This is not a smart thing.

smart

↓

It's a life thing.

life

↓

Randy is like an earthquake.

randy

↓

It's just something that's gonna happen.

happen

↓

Seriously, Malcolm,

malcolm

↓

the longer you try to put this off,

longer

↓

the worse it's gonna to be.

worse

↓

I could tell he was holding back.

holding

↓

He's got a lot farther he could go.

farther

↓

This is nothing.

↓

No, I'm not giving up.

giving

↓

I don't give up.

↓

I'm not a quitter.

quitter

↓

If I have a problem, I think, and work,

problem

↓

and keep working on it until I solve it.

solve working

↓

Okay, name one time that's ever worked out for you.

name worked

↓

- Well... - Did it work

↓

five years ago when your hamster died,

died five five-years hamster years

↓

and you spent so many

spent

↓

hours giving it CPR that the doctors had

doctors giving hours

↓

to put a shunt in your mouth to help the sores drain?

drain mouth sores

↓

Did it work with that girl you kept hounding

girl

↓

because you thought she was so close to liking you

close liking

↓

until she finally maced you?

finally

↓

No, but I could...

↓

I could...

↓

Malcolm, think about it.

malcolm

↓

You're right.

↓

I really have to go out there.

↓

I appreciate you guys looking out for me.

appreciate looking

↓

We didn't think you'd be so easy to convince.

convince easy

↓

No, not him.

↓

Where's the red-haired brother?

brother haired

↓

There is no red-haired brother. This is it.

brother haired

↓

Shoot. I have the wrong house.

house shoot

↓

Where's that house with the assbag

house

↓

who works with handicapped kids?

handicapped kids works

↓

Oh, that's Eddie Jeffers.

eddie

↓

He lives on Comstock.

lives

↓

You guys got pounded, and I got off scot-free.

free pounded scot scot-free

↓

Hah! Now whose philosophy looks stupid?

philosophy stupid

↓

You thought I couldn't come up with...

↓

Guys, wait.

↓

What if we do this tomorrow?

tomorrow

↓

You'll be rested.

rested

↓

Take some time first.

↓

We worked so hard

hard worked

↓

and spent so much on Francis's dinner,

dinner spent

↓

it's nice we can all finally enjoy it.

enjoy finally

↓

More steak, honey?

honey steak