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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 5, Episode 12 โ€” Softball

TMDB episode metadata
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Boys, I found the beer you hid in the garage.
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After all our talks about drinking, you still think it's cool? Well, it's not!
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Now, sit down and watch.
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Look at me, I'm Mr. Cool.
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Mm! Everybody digs my scene.
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I'm the grooviest dude who was ever grooved on.
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I just love you boys so much.
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Who wants a hug?
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โ™ช Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese โ™ช
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โ™ช I really think so I'm turning Japanese... โ™ช
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- Took him long enough to find that beer. - Yeah, but it was so worth the wait.
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โ™ช Turning Japanese... โ™ช
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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Guess what?
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I vomit less than anyone who's ever worked there.
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Oh. Glad someone's career's on track.
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Well, what does Nate have to say? He's pretty levelheaded about this stuff.
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Nate faked his death and fled the country. Didn't he, Jamie?
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Yes, he did.
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Da-da!
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Here. Do these look like the hands of a lazy man?
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Do they? You see how hard the calluses are?
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What are you doing here?
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This morning, on the phone, you said that I was lazy.
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Well, look at my hands, and admit that you were wrong.
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- Are you biting your nails again? - Apologize!
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I am not going to apologize for something that I said that's true.
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Okay, Malcolm, we gotta get to work.
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- And don't forget to change your shoes. - Okay. Can I eat my cupcake in the car?
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I was gonna eat it in the car whether she said I could or not.
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Yeah, it's really awful how she manipulates him.
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Why would anyone do something like that?
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a lot dumber than you.
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How he used to pull all those crazy stunts.
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Except for Kopelman's junkyard.
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You mean, with those vicious dogs?
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- By "someone," I meant you. - You think?
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Took me four hours to find this old spelling test.
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C plus.
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Do lazy people get C pluses?
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No.
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Man, I gotta get on the road,
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- when's Mom coming home? - Not till after 10.
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Well, traffic will be better, anyway.
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All I'm saying is,
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if you don't put the pinks and yellows together by date,
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you're not gonna find them later.
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And I know, you wanna live in the dorm when you go to college,
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but you're too easily distracted.
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You don't get to criticize decisions I won't even make for three years.
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Okay, you're getting cranky, let's take a break.
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Look, we're over halfway done.
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Aren't you glad I didn't let you go to the bathroom before?
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Hey, Malcolm, you wanna sign up for the softball team?
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It's a chance to see the old Satin Hammer in action.
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And every season, I take one lucky youngster under my wing.
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- I'm already under a thumb. - If you're on the team,
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- you don't have to work the early shift. - My mom works that shift, I'm in.
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Hey, Lois, you signing up for softball?
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I don't need to sign up, Craig. I'm coaching the team this year.
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You are?
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Yeah, Stu was gonna do it, but his wife got born again
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and ruined his Sundays.
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Hey, Malcolm, you're playing.
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I just can't get away from you, can I?
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Attention all C.O.G. employees.
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Immediately following the funeral of District Manager Kelsey, all windows...
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That's the base pay?
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And there's full dental?
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Sounds good.
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Where's the interview?
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Uh-huh.
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Uh-huh.
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Thanks, I owe you one.
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So, I'm going in three days ahead of him for the interview.
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I mean, Nick won't have any trouble finding another job.
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They guy's an ex-Navy SEAL.
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Of course, ethically, you could argue it's stealing.
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But look at hip-hop.
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They sample music all the time. Is that stealing or is that art?
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Hal, you have a family.
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Go in for the interview.
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I gotta figure out whether I'm gonna bat my left-handed speedster
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at the top of the order, or drop him so he can hit behind the runners
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and stay out of the double play.
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There, 20 years' worth of connect-the-dot puzzles,
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model airplanes, and dirty haikus.
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Do lazy people do this kind of stuff? I don't think so.
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This proves that you owe me an apology.
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Francis, all this proves is that you have a problem with obsessive compulsion.
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Lies on top of lies.
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Well, your house of cards is coming down.
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Is he still here?
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I told Piama he left this morning.
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Mom, I can't do the softball team after all.
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Now, before you come up with what you think my reasons are,
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let me tell you what my reasons are.
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- I've got so much schoolwork-- - You don't have to.
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You're always telling me that my grades are--
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Oh. Well, good.
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It's too bad, I could've really helped you with your grounders.
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- What? - Your grounders.
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You don't go down to your knee for the ball.
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You know, kids your age,
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you don't think you need the fundamentals, but...
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I field grounders all the time. There's no problem with my grounders.
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- Where do you get this stuff? - It doesn't matter.
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Like you said, you got too much schoolwork anyway.
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As soon as I figure out how she got me here,
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I'm out of here.
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Never mind. I'm just gonna ignore her and do my homework.
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What are you working on?
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Just finishing a paper on Wuthering Heights.
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Wuthering Heights, huh?
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I did my senior thesis on that.
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- You did not. - I hope you're not sticking
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to that tired view that Catherine and Heathcliff are soul mates.
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You picked up on the subtle hostility towards romanticism, right?
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I mean, Catherine's as bound to Edgar as she is to Heathcliff.
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She takes a lock of his hair to the grave, too.
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Well, duh.
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Is this where they keep the prisoners?
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What?
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My dad's in left field.
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He likes to keep an eye on me because he thinks I'm too wild.
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My name's Stephanie.
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- I'm-- - Malcolm, infield, let's go, let's go!
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And you better be wearing a cup.
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I know you've heard the rumors, and all I can say is,
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I might or might not have been scouted by the Kyoto Crazy Phantoms.
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But don't worry.
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I play for Lucky Aide.
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Now, watch me carefully.
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Because I only work at one speed.
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Lightning.
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This one's for you, Malcolm.
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Try again. Here's another one.
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Is she crazy?
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How does she expect--?
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Craig, that was amazing.
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What were you expecting? I told you I was good.
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I don't know, Reese.
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If I were you, I'd chicken out right now.
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Dewey, why are you always fighting me on these things?
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If you're not gonna support me, you might as well leave.
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Okay, so, it's pretty obvious they hate shoes.
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Write that down.
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- Um, am I--? Is this where--? - We're not supposed to talk.
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Oh.
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Sorry.
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Uh, excuse me? I--
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We'll be with you in three seconds. Please stand up straight.
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Three seconds?
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So, I understand you'd like to work with us?
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- I just-- Did someone--? - This job is a wonderful opportunity.
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for the right kind of person.
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Good pay, three weeks' vacation.
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Full benefits package.
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Plus the knowledge that you're really making a difference.
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Code Two. Repeat, Code Two.
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Excuse me, was this--?
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Please, if you could hold off on your questions
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until I'm finished with mine.
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Number one: Do you have a photographic memory?
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- I don't think so. - Uh-huh.
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Are you allergic to venomous spider bites?
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How would I know that?
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Right.
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- And do you have an identical twin? - What?
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- No. - Okay.
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That's all I have.
โ†“
5f440105-12c2-43d6-ab1a-c259b4e0f0ca.gif
Go next door, they'll make a mold of your face.
โ†“
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Then we can get started.
โ†“
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Thank you for your interest.
โ†“
be21f545-f63c-4923-852c-f422f512ba32.gif
Any feelings of paranoia you may experience the next few days
โ†“
8efad817-d2dc-4178-a8c6-2e11d74f1289.gif
are completely normal.
โ†“
1d8f1f05-f372-47c4-8ea8-dff1d953269d.gif
Okay, remember, it's hips,
โ†“
c1ef8d37-8392-4863-91c5-fbd0dd07f53b.gif
then shoulders.
โ†“
affcbd32-ab06-4c9a-ae24-8bcd009473ab.gif
Just like that little dance you used to do in your underpants.
โ†“
9e77a6f6-1c2e-46f5-869e-7b3eb2235d96.gif
What do you know? Looks like store 617's actually thinking
โ†“
e76748cd-ed6f-416d-a287-3e8113b329c6.gif
about showing up for the game next week.
โ†“
4a0e879c-a6b9-4ae2-8a17-76906218aec9.gif
Considering what happened last year, that's pretty brave of you.
โ†“
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We lost by three runs and had a barbecue, Mel.
โ†“
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And it wasn't on my watch.
โ†“
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So, can I see the underwear dance?
โ†“
a3740323-9d12-4543-95b3-23c70d42543f.gif
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
โ†“
13e6d9ac-a2a0-4435-9c64-72dfbcae1fba.gif
- Would you? - Slow down, we haven't even kissed yet.
โ†“
6cb3593c-589d-4de7-a4dc-5b8c070e376e.gif
Malcolm, let's go.
โ†“
085e84f5-3e17-441a-8d29-0e646d2fa4c7.gif
We gotta get to your zit doctor before 5:00.
โ†“
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- Mom! - What?
โ†“
0c78d3ea-e2f6-46f6-aa2a-b20fd1cc63c8.gif
Oh, your friend doesn't care about that.
โ†“
bf844bcc-48e4-4364-b367-c9c3ceed16a8.gif
Look at her face, she probably goes to the same doctor.
โ†“
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Hello, Mother.
โ†“
12ee658d-1c63-462b-9b66-8b07101863a3.gif
Hey, Francis, I thought you left this morning.
โ†“
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I did. I got halfway home...
โ†“
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when I suddenly remembered the time when I was 3 years old
โ†“
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and you were sick, or so you said,
โ†“
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and couldn't drive me to Donnie Dinesco's birthday party.
โ†“
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So, I rode this tricycle
โ†“
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two miles in the pouring rain just to get there.
โ†“
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Lazy? I think not.
โ†“
e36677a0-81dc-4179-afac-62a7d8aed9b3.gif
Now, I am not leaving until you apologize.
โ†“
bc284b03-9718-4668-be4b-911ce1e6d91a.gif
All you want is an apology? That's it?
โ†“
52de5e7d-217e-48eb-b1c7-986e354292c5.gif
- You should've said so a week ago. - But--
โ†“
b6362045-5054-43f7-9582-d03d1e4629b4.gif
I'm hereby officially sorry.
โ†“
20af471b-606a-456a-9852-5e0930f0c2da.gif
- Okay? - No!
โ†“
8b9ce9b4-2fda-43f2-aec6-56dd868b5648.gif
Not okay.
โ†“
9e109c7f-c976-4838-8d4a-740a5d897cd7.gif
That is not an apology.
โ†“
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That's just one of those cleverly designed apologies
โ†“
5a589b97-ccbc-462a-aacf-5027babaf037.gif
that sounds like an apology but isn't one.
โ†“
f850474c-8dea-4ee3-b4ca-f466854e8e94.gif
Now you have to apologize for apologizing.
โ†“
d9ce8ddb-fa29-46b2-ba71-bfb12d332799.gif
And then apologize.
โ†“
1f2179a4-7d46-4b00-b77d-2d6bc1cd854d.gif
You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology?
โ†“
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Because you just can't stand to be happy.
โ†“
57ff7f5f-3d8c-423b-9f38-22cb3321965e.gif
- What? - You have an addiction to trouble.
โ†“
30d00fda-f714-42b2-ad8d-941f4817dc84.gif
You need to have chaos in your life, you always have.
โ†“
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I mean, look at you.
โ†“
f79d09b9-e8f6-493e-b462-fa17387ba755.gif
You have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it.
โ†“
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You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
โ†“
8fb0f6ed-0419-4509-9a75-6b80edb88069.gif
That's not true.
โ†“
beaa4b72-4651-49c5-9299-d77dab13e11c.gif
I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us had for happiness.
โ†“
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Tell her, Malcolm.
โ†“
f0e22bb1-bab0-4552-a5fe-aae0f44c84fd.gif
Tell her what a horrible mother she is.
โ†“
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He's right, you insinuate yourself into every part of our lives,
โ†“
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just to make sure there's no place we're not miserable.
โ†“
c4f17a13-1443-46bc-9102-365540cd302a.gif
Well, you're not gonna turn me into a drooling infant like you did Francis.
โ†“
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Yeah.
โ†“
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- What? - I'm quitting the softball team.
โ†“
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You are doing no such thing, Malcolm.
โ†“
fc270b06-1368-4500-8300-2e82e3968647.gif
You had a chance to quit, but now we have a game.
โ†“
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You made a commitment to a team, and others are counting on you.
โ†“
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You can't force me to play.
โ†“
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No, but I can confiscate your paychecks.
โ†“
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You're gonna take away money that's legally mine
โ†“
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for a game of softball?
โ†“
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I don't know.
โ†“
8bfde1c9-5376-4e7a-ad10-bcf134bea3b6.gif
Am I?
โ†“
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You are pure evil.
โ†“
11832803-eec4-46d1-854e-a7cfca5d1e76.gif
How do you sleep at night?
โ†“
ace249ca-8762-4cb1-ac66-fceb3bc80974.gif
Hal, will you please talk to the boys?
โ†“
e4f503b8-6121-4c0b-9a7c-61824d875b69.gif
Not now, Lois, I have way too much on my mind.
โ†“
4bef5cdd-33c9-403b-930e-c04bab66005b.gif
Like what?
โ†“
2dd9c5ba-6883-4b8a-8d7c-8f44d01e879c.gif
I think I'm an international spy, and I don't even know which side I'm on.
โ†“
471089bf-5242-4c7a-8eea-e30080ef6cda.gif
I could be a super villain and not even know it.
โ†“
3bb849a0-e026-4ded-9382-c772644978a5.gif
You can just say you don't want to help me, Hal.
โ†“
28651945-01f0-42f8-98c2-aa9e2bcd3c7b.gif
You look very handsome in your uniform.
โ†“
49d5a81f-bf62-46f1-8ed2-7ee9c3c306f5.gif
I wish you would've let me take it in around the arms.
โ†“
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Well, good news for you, Lois.
โ†“
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Our right fielder was screwing around with a price gun,
โ†“
fd714799-e995-47c6-a1b0-d596dfa0903f.gif
took a sticker to the eye.
โ†“
b0c0b8d3-7a0f-4c21-80e3-922bd5e7dea2.gif
We're a player short.
โ†“
ede9d340-fabb-432b-99e6-f6b8cf9848a8.gif
- We have to forfeit. - Yes!
โ†“
d8c90322-11a3-43dd-92ca-365ffcd28de1.gif
Well, too bad.
โ†“
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Of course, the real losers...
โ†“
71740c57-dad7-4f5e-93e7-de2defc8cf58.gif
the fans.
โ†“
d2641c9d-76ca-4071-a382-6e69756e5df4.gif
Not today, Tonto.
โ†“
3f8030f3-7c86-4555-9a32-703b940ab156.gif
That's just silly.
โ†“
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We're all here, we're all in uniform, everyone wants to play.
โ†“
904be2ff-677c-4953-8d97-747cbb22ca4d.gif
- Malcolm, go be on Mel's team. - What?
โ†“
6f62301a-b6f6-4981-9290-014ba4ed1ae6.gif
- Oh, yeah, big favor. - No, no, no, his game has really improved.
โ†“
d2932716-06ed-4775-a843-3b3f2b9132fb.gif
- Hasn't it, honey? - After all that stuff
โ†“
76aa841c-5ab4-4da3-a9cd-95a5d8bae5cb.gif
about my commitment to this team, you could just decide to give me away?
โ†“
6d631f8f-147b-4934-b2a1-c6b8ce5a383d.gif
Malcolm, everybody's nervous about making new friends.
โ†“
932082ec-8baa-4e4e-8461-33f8320ecbf1.gif
Just be yourself.
โ†“
7fc5fa6e-731e-4b78-8452-4905a8ffaac3.gif
They'll like you fine.
โ†“
4f977125-02af-4561-94e5-791b85ce6180.gif
I'm gonna hit this ball so far out of the park,
โ†“
e2b2d5ed-f41b-4bf1-bcaf-0e0d9e29114f.gif
my mom's gonna wish she never...
โ†“
8bf17343-dad3-44e5-9e2a-69d68afaccb3.gif
Wait, what do I do with my hips again?
โ†“
57414632-e384-49a4-9e65-18c3dad372fd.gif
- Strike one. - What?
โ†“
6ed26be9-24ce-44e1-8ac2-bea5bfc5fa0e.gif
Okay, it'll be okay, just stop thinking.
โ†“
2a4cbfed-6ede-4441-bc55-b0dacb7d2ed5.gif
You can do it, honey.
โ†“
f1b55e83-96e3-4c77-a6f2-e8b809c9d857.gif
Strike two.
โ†“
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Look, just don't talk to me, okay? Just pitch the ball.
โ†“
3430947d-afa5-4149-aea8-3bfec4d43f9e.gif
I can't believe she's doing this.
โ†“
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I hate it when she treats me like this in front of everyone.
โ†“
b06362ca-2772-47dd-9318-892a61522f06.gif
- It's so-- - Strike three.
โ†“
db61f9b4-91d5-4f3e-8d86-624d7a62cb88.gif
Hello?
โ†“
c899238d-33cd-4018-9ea0-9f4378912e72.gif
No, honey bun, I'm still here. I have a few more things to straighten out
โ†“
45dbf1db-346b-48e8-a32a-edc9e46f0ccc.gif
before I can leave,
โ†“
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but I promise that we will celebrate our anniversary as soon as I get home.
โ†“
6687899d-44f5-4b5d-99ac-547b618fb3de.gif
Right, if you're still there.
โ†“
993737bf-c3f3-4b78-b4a9-edffb1a779ed.gif
- Did Reese and Dewey leave yet? - Leave for where?
โ†“
e5b1eaf1-308c-4f88-b9ed-d21ec79a9faf.gif
Kopelman's junkyard,
โ†“
959c42ad-fe0a-4a19-88b8-9e0cf75e5e89.gif
- Reese is going to break the record. - He's what?
โ†“
f5c682ff-2965-43da-99eb-8f899cf12aae.gif
I still have one you autographed for my brother.
โ†“
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It'll probably drop in value after this.
โ†“
adaf6a2a-95cc-4bd2-b568-9d2937c42e3c.gif
Just tell them you don't want the job.
โ†“
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Don't think about what they can do to you.
โ†“
55b87281-59c1-48ba-b6a1-0a09c30a762c.gif
Just tell them.
โ†“
134d7641-67eb-4825-a9d2-992fc9c83417.gif
Uh, thank you for considering me.
โ†“
c9b22cb2-2fb1-48f9-8ecd-df278b6985a2.gif
It's very flattering.
โ†“
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But I've decided to stay where I am for now.
โ†“
288db3e2-3435-44d3-bb9b-6ef1a291cf72.gif
If things change, I'll let you know.
โ†“
2e1cc738-a18f-48c8-9c5c-627855a27b65.gif
Nice doggy!
โ†“
ab9bd46d-0b31-4d82-b25c-17382170b0b1.gif
Where is he?
โ†“
dfec0a79-d101-4aac-86ed-1f962211913b.gif
Looks like the pit bulls are herding him toward the Dobermans.
โ†“
4754ba8c-2c7b-4759-88e2-6b6b8c70f5e8.gif
It's beautiful, really, the way they work together.
โ†“
6bcd3aa9-2e1c-4c9a-acc5-843c48e060b6.gif
Did I make it?
โ†“
da689f87-f4d4-4a1d-aa6a-49c584e9cf00.gif
Am I alive?
โ†“
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Why do I have bacon in my pocket?
โ†“
d453707d-24d5-42c3-b024-1e00e3080811.gif
Reese, damn it, you crazy idiot.
โ†“
4b635ce2-3451-49b3-98c8-e34a1c02b74f.gif
Do you know what you are?
โ†“
a11feeb5-5970-4538-a9ec-3d83529f52b0.gif
You're me.
โ†“
211ce8a4-faf6-4156-968d-0b40c25ce96e.gif
Mom was right, we do love trouble.
โ†“
5de83697-d47f-4c42-b6a5-86dc08741de6.gif
That's why we do stupid, moronic things like this.
โ†“
ba4a0192-a1ca-450f-a96b-d70c3d4466d0.gif
What are you talking about? I'm gonna be famous.
โ†“
46b0708c-101b-4f67-bc19-0857e01c29bd.gif
This isn't about fame.
โ†“
3fab2215-8908-4c47-b15b-43609cd1d61f.gif
It's about putting yourself in danger for no reason.
โ†“
52c2b2d5-510a-4668-8686-b971a47158c8.gif
It's an addiction to pain and suffering. And you know what?
โ†“
0adbf82a-193f-43f9-8786-e7af1b82cc07.gif
I'm done with it. And you should be, too, because it isn't worth it.
โ†“
1691eeaf-d5b8-4f8b-8e6d-cd03f4207941.gif
That's easy for you to say.
โ†“
f9e0f8e5-8c06-40b6-a7eb-47218622cc0c.gif
You've already had the glory.
โ†“
9da5df14-36cb-483c-a63e-dbcaed59b119.gif
Glory?
โ†“
9fed0751-2a94-40cc-8f05-5696cc482e50.gif
You think this stupid, dangerous stunt gave me glory?
โ†“
4926eedd-30ce-4852-9169-d9c9953010d6.gif
I'll show you what it gave me.
โ†“
324696dd-02fb-4420-80bb-2d07615add78.gif
Horrible, isn't it?
โ†“
97d682cb-450b-48c9-ade5-18a389717a4e.gif
Only the middle one's functional.
โ†“
77a72edd-97f8-4468-a13d-2989cc7cf477.gif
- Ugh. - Oh, man.
โ†“
ccabd7f6-a10f-4ebc-9af5-32897cd5bd67.gif
I can go now.
โ†“
2830c27b-4355-4189-88b6-05962a1d41fa.gif
I've been set free.
โ†“
a43f6c21-50ab-48a7-b9af-5c049ba03f18.gif
Goodbye.
โ†“
0b30cee3-42fa-4cec-896b-697d4db6fcee.gif
And good luck.
โ†“
b927cc37-e72b-4c69-b730-269824acf32f.gif
Eleven, 12.
โ†“
cf5ee2ec-89ca-44a3-9f0f-48763ef34569.gif
He got 12. Reese broke the record!
โ†“
a75c3c53-f859-4ded-a29c-3c2179f0b212.gif
Yeah!
โ†“
aafeb9d1-e170-4681-acb7-b612727d9885.gif
- Yeah. - All right!
โ†“
13834f80-82e7-4090-975e-0752a85f848e.gif
It doesn't matter!
โ†“
dd510d9d-8e22-44fa-90bd-94bd23d1a25b.gif
Didn't you people hear a word I said?
โ†“
49b6e756-09bd-4304-926d-a9e16244bcdb.gif
Are you sure he got--?
โ†“
95a80bb4-f05b-491d-a6ce-d5a224453cff.gif
What's the difference? That's not the point.
โ†“
0b604875-ea7c-4b4d-839b-b9006e782555.gif
What I'm trying to say is...
โ†“
dec4dca6-6a72-4b91-ba06-74430741d24f.gif
Give me the bacon.
โ†“
47375ec0-461a-4073-a8eb-6431b721e41b.gif
I don't want an asterisk by my record.
โ†“
8ea76e1d-9323-47ec-af6b-0841091ba813.gif
Kid, please, it's the last inning, you struck out four times,
โ†“
d26a6f88-3387-4bea-8431-58850d54e2a6.gif
dropped six fly balls, somehow elbowed yourself in the groin.
โ†“
7e25351a-c23b-4e5f-8f25-c937dfab4de6.gif
The good news is, I think we're all laughed out.
โ†“
8cb40232-9fd8-4a4f-9acf-fce04a122a3f.gif
Just get up there, close your eyes and swing.
โ†“
8cf2e9c1-8522-4819-8bc1-443b0b2ee5a1.gif
It's because she keeps...
โ†“
527d6fb6-0510-4108-8f73-765b30ad8ced.gif
looking at me, on purpose.
โ†“
684776c8-8724-4ed1-94f8-b9c4f01a0d66.gif
She has to be taught a lesson.
โ†“
e7b2b9e6-e47d-42bb-8583-f5bc1b8ea52c.gif
Hey. Your team's down 16 to one.
โ†“
e47be2c7-6139-425f-ac78-0500d2a9d2b4.gif
Want to get out of here?
โ†“
ee9b9e6d-ebdf-42a1-801b-206c8d6794d1.gif
Oh, she would just love it if I did that, wouldn't she?
โ†“
7894f2ca-e016-48ff-be81-557bb2b0f2f5.gif
Well, I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction.
โ†“
645f3697-746b-4233-9217-fd66c4371811.gif
She's gonna learn that she can't control me.
โ†“
7658d585-9ea3-40b2-9c19-c3e39fc5a024.gif
You know what, Malcolm, I don't date guys who are involved with other women.
โ†“
d0435ab2-7a7e-4901-a625-27ba5269d8ce.gif
Especially when it's their mothers.
โ†“
06ccc9f8-1a54-4c9f-8465-82d3c1f91562.gif
Goodbye.
โ†“
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Okay.
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This is your last chance.
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Hello?
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Sure, I got time to take a survey.
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Disagree.
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โ™ช My thing! โ™ช
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I did it. I hit the ball. I can't--
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Finally, this will show her. It has to.
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Oh, man.
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I don't care, I'm going for it.
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I'll bet she planned the whole thing so it would end up like this.
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The only way I can score is if I'm willing to cleat my own mother in the face.
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I can't do it.
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What do you know?
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He's out.
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Honey.
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If you're gonna cleat someone,
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you have to remember to lead with your heel.
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Didn't you hear me, Piama? I got 14 toilet seats.
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I have the record again.
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You know, Mom said this is exactly how you'd react.
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So, I was reading this really interesting story
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about glass eaters.
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Nah, you don't want to hear this.
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Dewey, when are you gonna learn that I'm the guy
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who makes the decisions around here?
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- Go on. - Well, apparently the trick is...
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Well, that was a pretty shameful display this afternoon.
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- Look, I was-- - It's all right.
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I'm not gonna ask you why you've been behaving like this lately,
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because I think I know.
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You're jealous of the new baby.
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And you're right.
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I haven't been giving you enough attention lately.
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But don't worry.
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Tomorrow we're gonna go out, get you a haircut,
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and some new undershirts, just the two of us, okay?
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Thanks, Mom.