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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S01E16 — Water Park

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 1, Episode 16 — Water Park

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Water Park (1)
Air date: May 21, 2000
Director: Ken Kwapis
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
When the family goes to a water park for a day, Dewey is left home with an elderly, stern babysitter. Francis is hustled at pocket billiards by his military-school commandant.
Source: TMDB
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- Who wants to make 5 bucks? - How?
buckswants
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- I need someone to take the fall. - Oh, my God.
fall
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- What did you do? - I can't tell you.
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- Yes or no, no questions asked. - Oh, my God!
askedquestionsquestions-asked
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- Make it 10. - Done.
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Oh, my God!
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You're a good son. I got him, honey!
honey
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I got him. Don't worry.
worry
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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♪ Life is unfair ♪
lifeunfair
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Do what together?
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Why can't I go?
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Dewey, we discussed this.
deweydiscussed
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You have to stay home because of your ear infection.
homeinfection
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I never get to go.
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Honey, I know it seems like a pattern, but it's just this.
honeypatternseems
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And Disneyland.
disneyland
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Oh, and that chocolate factory tour. You know, maybe it's time you stop
chocolatefactorytour
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- sticking dirty things in your ears. - Hey, Dewey. How's the ear?
deweydirtyearssticking
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Stop teasing him, Reese! You know, if your father doesn't find a babysitter,
babysitterfatherreeseteasing
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nobody's going anywhere and we'll see who's crying then.
cryingnobodys
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Oh, no, no, no. It's just the little one.
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Yeah, the other two aren't gonna be anywhere near you.
near
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Ever since I can remember, we've always had trouble with babysitters.
babysittersremembertrouble
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Hello.
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I don't know, sweetie. What do you have behind your back?
behindsweetie
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You little losers. I've had enough of this.
losers
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You open this door right now.
dooropen
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Look, I'm a little claustrophobic.
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Just open the door. Just let me out. Come on!
dooropen
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I don't know. I'm starting to think it might be us.
mightstarting
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Well, you'd think I'd get bored wiping the floor with my cadets.
boredcadetsfloorwiping
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God knows we enjoy it, sir.
enjoyknows
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Do you know what your problem is, cadet?
cadetproblem
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Discipline.
discipline
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Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
worth
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Whatever I do, whether it's teaching you boys
boysteachingwhether
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or mastering tai chi, or playing pool...
playingpool
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I focus.
focus
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I push myself.
push
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But you don't commit to anything, son.
commit
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You're never gonna be a winner...
winner
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because you do everything half-assed.
assedhalfhalf-assed
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Oh, regrettable.
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You may have spoken too soon, sir.
spoken
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I think you'll find I play pool with my whole ass.
poolwhole
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Eight ball, corner pocket.
ballcornereighteight-ballpocket
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Damn.
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Ah, the fatal scratch.
fatalscratch
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Once again, I waltz with Lady Victory.
ladyvictorywaltz
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And until you focus, Francis,
focusfrancis
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she is never going to be your dance partner.
dancepartner
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Thank you for coming on a short notice.
comingnoticeshortshort-notice
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And it was so nice of your agency to give us a second chance.
agencychancesecondsecond-chance
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You two are gonna have so much fun together.
fun
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Don't you dare hurt her.
darehurt
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Hurry, the sun's coming up.
cominghurrysuns
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Do you wanna play something?
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No.
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Hey, look, kids. Only 12 more miles to Wavetown, USA.
kidsmiles
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Malcolm, you gonna go down the Liquidator this time?
malcolm
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- Don't pressure the boy, Hal. - I'm not pressuring, I'm just asking.
askingpressure
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He's scared enough as it is without you making a big deal out of it.
dealscared
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Hey, Mom, doesn't Malcolm have to wear his nose plug for his sinuses?
malcolmnoseplugwear
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- Shut up. - Oh, that's right.
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I forgot it.
forgot
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Listen, honey, you just be very careful then, okay?
carefulhoney
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- Don't worry. Here it is. - Oh, thank you, Reese.
reeseworry
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- Oh, my gosh, look at this. - This is awesome.
awesomegosh
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I can't wait to get on the rides.
rides
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Malcolm, don't think you can take off that nose plug
malcolmnoseplug
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just because I'm not looking.
looking
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- Wear it all day. - I'm not even in the water.
waterwear
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Hey, if I catch you for one second not wearing that nose plug,
catchnoseplugsecondwearing
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you're gonna spend the day in the kiddie sprinkler.
kiddiespend
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So, what do you want to do first?
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What makes you think I want to do anything with you?
makes
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- What's your problem? - That nose-plug thing was bogus.
bogusnoseplugproblem
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- You crossed the line, Reese. - What?
crossedlinereese
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You sold me out to mom.
sold
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It would've been different if I did something to you, but...
wouldve
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- that was totally cold-blooded. - Don't be such a baby.
babycold
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What you did to me was an act of war.
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And believe me, I will get you back.
believe
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You won't know where or when, but you're gonna pay.
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You sound funny.
funnysound
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You wanted to see me, sir?
wanted
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I just got a call from the sheriff that a cocksure,
sheriff
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smart-mouthed youth looking very much like yourself
lookingmouthedsmartyouth
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has been hustling pool at the local bars.
barslocalpool
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- Really, sir? - You are in serious trouble, cadet.
cadetserioustrouble
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- I can explain-- - Why have you been holding back
explainholding
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when we've played pool?
playedpool
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- What? - I wanna know why
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you've been letting me win.
letting
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Sir, if I played for real...
playedreal
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I'd just end up humiliating you in front of the whole school, and...
fronthumiliatingschoolwholewhole-school
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And you'd, you know, torture us all for it.
torture
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Really, nothing good could come from it,
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and besides, winning seems to make you so happy.
besideshappyseemswinning
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I am not a child.
child
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Do you really think me so petty that I would throw a tantrum
pettytantrumthrow
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over something so small as a game of pool?
gamepool
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- My mistake, sir. - We are gonna play again.
mistake
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And you are gonna give me your best game, cadet.
bestcadetgame
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And to make sure of that, if you don't win...
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picture yourself, 0400, awakened from sweet dreams of Mommy,
awakeneddreamsmommypicturesweetsweet-dreams
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sent outside into the bitter cold to raise our school colors
bittercoldcolorsraiseschoolsent
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and stand at attention for three hours until reveille is called.
attentioncalledhoursstandthreethree-hours
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Now, picture that for 230 consecutive days.
dayspicture
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What if I try my best and I still lose?
bestlose
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Then you shall be miserable indeed.
indeedmiserable
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Dismissed.
dismissed
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Remember, honey, how I promised you that exotic island vacation,
exotichoneyislandpromisedremembervacation
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but we had to go have children instead?
children
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Well, I was thinking maybe today could be our little island getaway.
islandthinkingtoday
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We've got the sun, the sand, the palm trees.
palmsandtrees
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And I brought the cocktails.
broughtcocktails
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It's Malibu rum in a lotion bottle so no one will know the difference.
bottledifferencelotionmalibu
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You are so cute when you sneak in alcohol.
alcoholcutesneak
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Hey, Reese, I think I just saw that girl you liked.
girllikedreese
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You know, the one with the really long blond hair.
blondhair
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- April? - April, that's her.
april
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- Why'd you say you liked her again? - She's real trampy.
likedrealwhyd
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I hear she kisses with tongue.
kissestongue
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Is that true, April?
april
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Jerk!
jerk
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Now we're even.
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You geek, you deserved it.
deservedgeek
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- Ow! Get out of here! - I think those are ours.
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- All right. - No, I'll take care of it.
care
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Ow!
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Malcolm, Reese, knock it off!
knockmalcolmmalcolm-reesereese
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- Can I watch TV? - No.
watch
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- Can I play video games? - No.
gamesvideovideo-games
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- What can I do? - Something quiet.
quiet
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Quieter.
quieter
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I can do this.
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Keep your arms and legs crossed at all times.
armscrossedlegstimes
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Do not bend your legs. Do not raise your head.
bendheadlegsraise
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Remove all piercings. You may have nothing around your neck.
neckremove
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Enjoy the ride.
enjoyride
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Okay, here goes.
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On three. One!
three
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Two!
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Three...
three
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Hey, there, girlie. Let me adjust your bra strap.
adjustgirliestrap
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Now we're even.
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Oh, no, no, no.
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First, we sort by the number of holes, then by color.
colorholesnumber
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- What's in your mouth? - Nothing.
mouth
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There are at least 20 things I will not tolerate,
leasttolerate
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and lying is one of them. Spit it out.
lyingspit
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You're eating my buttons.
buttonseating
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I wasn't eating. I was saving.
eatingsaving
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What are you, a hamster? What were you saving it for?
hamstersaving
↓
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I don't know, it's pretty. It's my favorite one.
favorite
↓
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You know...
↓
d4bd49b4-795e-4776-83f6-326a03bad670.gif
actually, it's my favorite, too.
favorite
↓
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What do you think of this one?
↓
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It's ugly. I hate it.
hateugly
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So do I.
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My, you're a smart little boy.
smart
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You seem to be practicing pretty hard.
hardpracticing
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I hope you're not planning on doing something stupid, like winning.
hopeplanningstupidwinning
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Look, guys, I know you want me to lose, but Spangler insisted I play a real game.
gameinsistedloserealspangler
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Francis, you can't win.
francis
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If you do, Spangler's gonna take it out on us.
spanglers
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Remember when Hendrix beat him playing horse on a lucky shot?
beathendrixhorseluckyplayingremembershot
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We couldn't watch anything but PBS for a week.
watchweek
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- And that was during pledge drive, man. - Guys, come on.
drivepledge
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Do you have any idea what Spangler's gonna do to me if I lose?
idealosespanglers
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Do you know what we're gonna do to you if you win?
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Ew!
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Where were we?
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Mom, you have to stop Reese.
reese
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- He's being a total jerk. - Malcolm,
jerkmalcolmtotaltotal-jerk
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does it look like I'm open for business?
businessopen
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You have done nothing but pester us.
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Is it too much to ask that your father and I enjoy one day?
enjoyfather
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- But Reese is the one-- - I don't want to hear it.
reese
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7994031e-a1be-4924-acf6-d26e830ee369.gif
You either take care of this yourself
care
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2af6152d-26b8-4dca-9e5a-c1a9f5571826.gif
or I'm gonna lock you two in the car for the rest of the day. I mean it.
lockrest
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Lifeguard, help.
lifeguard
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My brother, he can't swim.
brotherswim
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- Out of the way, drowning boy! - What are they doing?
drowning
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Out of the way! Drowning boy!
drowning
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99bc9f19-01c0-4f66-97b2-0e6739eab94c.gif
Drowning boy, drowning boy. Drowning boy.
drowning
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a10b2cfd-e2b0-4858-9a6c-db8a15fd7e4c.gif
Give him some air, guys. Give him some air. Back up.
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Watch out, watch out.
watch
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Sir. Let the people who work here do that.
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Now we're even.
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And then I was playing with my imaginary friend,
friendimaginaryimaginary-friendplaying
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and Reese hit me because he said I shouldn't talk to myself.
reese
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Well, Reese is a horrid little boy.
reese
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I mean, there's nothing wrong with having an imaginary friend.
friendhavingimaginaryimaginary-friend
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I talk to my Harold all the time.
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- You do? - Of course.
course
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He's here right now.
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766c25e0-84ff-4f0e-8885-46d530a87867.gif
- Would he like a cookie? - Sure.
cookie
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No, no, no.
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He's over there.
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- Yes. - Sorry, sir.
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It's understandable, cadet.
cadetunderstandable
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I've seen professionals do much worse.
professionalsseenworse
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I guess the pool gods are smiling on me today.
godspoolsmilingtoday
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But then, the pool gods can be fickle.
godspool
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That's okay, sir. You'll win the next one.
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- Sir, what are you doing? - I think I'm losing.
losing
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- And gracefully, I'd like to be noted. - But you could have made that shot.
notedshot
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I could say the same thing to you.
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There were at least a dozen shots that you've held back on.
dozenheldleastshots
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But since you seem to be motivated more by losing,
losingmotivated
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- I'm going to beat you at your own game. - Huh?
beatgame
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I'm going down, cadet. I'm going down hard.
cadethard
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But, sir, these guys are gonna kick my ass if I win.
kick
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Well, that's just gravy. May the best man lose.
bestgravylose
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Fudge, it seems I've scratched again.
fudgescratchedseems
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Well, you seem to be on a roll, cadet.
cadetroll
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♪ I'm mixing business with leather ♪
businessleathermixing
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♪ Christmas with Heather ♪
christmasheather
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88837479-6198-42ef-863c-6c985ecad919.gif
♪ Freaks flock together ♪
flockfreaks
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f49be926-a717-440a-8a49-54aa03be90e5.gif
♪ And make all the be-boys scream ♪
boysscream
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- ♪ All right ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
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- ♪ Turn it up now ♪ - ♪ Turn it up now ♪
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be526b28-0b71-47ac-b8b6-ab3999f6e948.gif
- ♪ All right ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
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5b2fda38-b63e-4633-b766-b90bbaf4beb6.gif
♪ Turn it up now ♪
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326f8025-946e-4bdc-872e-a8d3bf507158.gif
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
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♪ Word up to the man thing ♪
word
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655aa0f1-4658-4d33-9eaa-fdba6b36b309.gif
♪ She's always cold lamping ♪
cold
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e40948f4-1844-4b55-a793-68c7a9359b7f.gif
♪ Visine at the canteen ♪
canteen
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♪ I just want to watch you dance ♪
dancewatch
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♪ Can you hear the drums, Fernando? ♪
drumsfernando
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♪ I remember long ago Another starry night like this ♪
anothernightrememberstarry
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ac93a58a-73a7-4cea-bbef-e133db6f55bd.gif
♪ In the firelight, Fernando ♪
fernando
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add7b5d8-007c-4542-9916-2e91a89e7b37.gif
♪ You were humming to yourself And softly strumming your guitar ♪
guitarhummingsoftly
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♪ I could hear the distant drums ♪
distantdrums
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♪ And sounds of bugle calls Were coming from afar ♪
buglecallscomingsounds
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♪ There was something in the air That night ♪
night
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♪ The stars were bright, Fernando ♪
brightfernandostars
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637d6eb8-9753-4922-b130-a577638bb0ff.gif
♪ They were shining there For you and me ♪
shining
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♪ For liberty, Fernando ♪
fernandoliberty
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676b8e5d-cde3-4412-a96e-ceeffbb2b458.gif
♪ Though we never thought That we could lose ♪
lose
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♪ There's no regret ♪
regret
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♪ If I had to do the same again ♪
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♪ I would, my friend, Fernando ♪
fernandofriend
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♪ There was something in the air That night ♪
night
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♪ The stars were bright-- ♪
brightstars
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f034b53e-0d4b-4375-90ad-4f88551bbc0e.gif
Before you say anything, Malcolm, I want to tell you, I don't wanna hear it.
malcolm
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Can't you give your mother and me five minutes of peace?
fivefive-minutesminutesmotherpeace
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You know what? You can have the rest of the day because I've given up.
givenrest
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I'm not going to have any fun anyway, so why try?
fun
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5e41b563-4a41-4561-bc7f-89d6098a5b6b.gif
As long as we're on the same page.
page
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fd77cfab-e4fe-455f-87f3-cf903413f0c4.gif
Today sucked.
suckedtoday
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12a29b10-d2e8-4f2f-bd0c-b21a72e913a5.gif
I've done nothing except chicken out, get laughed at, and fight with Reese.
chickenexceptfightlaughedreese
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So, now I'm just gonna lie down,
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enjoy the sun, and wait for them to take me home.
enjoyhome
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c553d8e6-5cd1-4e7f-b7ea-0b7bca6af9c7.gif
Ugh.
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cadeeb47-802d-43cc-bc52-3adda86fdcf4.gif
Now we're even.
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d17e58b9-15e7-4313-b4b6-7f27f4c3da89.gif
Now we're...
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e0027155-95a1-4d0a-9d9f-bbd4c3511951.gif
Boys!
boys
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Reese, I've done soul-searching
reesesearchingsoul
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and I hereby offer my complete and full apology.
apologycompletefullherebyoffer
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It was very wrong of me.
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I'm truly sorry for my childish and inappropriate behavior.
behaviorchildishinappropriatetruly
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I'd like to think that the guilt I'm feeling
feelingguilt
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is punishment enough.
punishment
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bd9b34bd-995f-4a17-ba54-c9dc46d0962e.gif
Hey, there's no cutting in line. Oh, it's you again.
cuttingline
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Reese, I'm so sorry. I really, really mean it.
reese
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86e84311-108a-4a7b-a1f5-510049495009.gif
Do you think we're wealthy?
wealthy
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c2b97056-99f2-423e-9a98-4de6d7fc82ca.gif
What?
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1b92ee31-77fe-4565-ba90-03fea8f21c7a.gif
Do you think we're wealthy?
wealthy
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23a0ccea-c2d9-42cc-8013-57a6efa32d45.gif
Wealthy people drive fancy cars. They buy fresh pasta.
carsdrivefancyfreshpastawealthy
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Do we do any of those things?
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de404af3-b709-4617-b034-1d014223c4d8.gif
No! Wealthy people can afford to have their vacations ruined.
affordruinedvacationswealthy
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No big deal. They just pick up and they go again.
dealpick
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Your father and I work so hard. We work so long.
fatherhard
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What is wrong with you two?
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Are you aborigines?
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Every time I turn around,
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I hear screaming and fighting. I pray to God it's someone else's kids,
elsesfightingkidsprayscreaming
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but it's not, it's always you!
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d69d72a6-7c2b-4bd4-a993-479483fb1de0.gif
Sane children would appreciate this, but you keep nattering at each other
appreciatechildrensane
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like a couple of rabid monkeys!
couplemonkeysrabid
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It's not enough that you do this every day.
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You have to make me suffer, too. So help me...
suffer
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Don't you dare.
dare
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6a37c9a8-7d5b-49dd-81cd-e2e70f2fb275.gif
Arms and legs crossed at all times.
armscrossedlegstimes
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That is the bravest thing I've ever seen you do.
bravestseen
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adf5469e-8eae-4ec3-81f8-4da747d82c0f.gif
Yeah.
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You're gonna die.
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I know.
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So, you think she's okay?
↓
51d2af67-51fc-4caf-b1a5-fd2ec9b49eed.gif
This is the last time I take you boys anywhere!
boys
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f8a9ecab-b27f-4892-8512-52ed167f8483.gif
- Good playing, cadet. - Same to you, sir.
cadetplaying
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44a4a051-e048-4444-91ba-d2d2a0fbeadb.gif
- Hey, who won? - Who cares, man?
cares