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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S01E04 — Shame

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 1, Episode 4 — Shame

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Shame
Air date: February 06, 2000
Director: Nick Marck
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Parallel stories pit Malcolm against a bullying, obnoxious new kid and Francis vies with his intimidating, military-school commandant, who's presenting sex-education lectures. Meanwhile, Hal takes heat after cutting down a tree.
Source: TMDB
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We're gathered here today to say goodbye to Jumpy number eight.
eightgatheredgoodbyejumpynumbertoday
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Nine.
nine
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Nine. He was a good...
nine
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Nine? Are you sure, nine?
nine
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Anyway. He was a very good frog.
frog
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And he led a very full life.
fullfull-lifelife
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I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor,
momsrememberstuck
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and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk.
lady
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It was hysterical.
hysterical
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Farewell, Jumpy number nine.
farewelljumpyninenumber
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We know you're going to a better place.
place
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Bye, Jumpy.
jumpy
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Dad.
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May he rest in pieces.
piecesrest
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- Amen. - Amen.
amenamen-amen
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know Can you repeat the question? ♪
questionrepeat
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Bases loaded.
basesloaded
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Aah!
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Want me to... kiss it?
kiss
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Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?
ballkevin
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- "Can I please have my ball back, Kevin?" - Come on, Kevin.
ballkevin
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"Come on, Kevin."
kevin
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De kub... You stink.
stink
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Your new name is Stinky.
namestinky
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Whatever, just give me my ball back.
ball
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You want it? Go get it, Stinky.
stinky
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Men, most of you are at an age where your bodies
bodies
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have undergone significant changes.
changessignificant
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While the benefits of increased muscle mass
benefitsincreasedmassmuscle
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and a more authoritative speaking register are plain,
plainregisterspeaking
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these changes can produce certain negative desires.
certainchangesdesiresnegativeproduce
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We used to handle it with cold showers and regularly scheduled beatings, but...
beatingscoldhandleregularlyscheduledshowersused
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sadly, times have changed,
changedsadlytimes
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and I am forced to rely on a less effective option.
effectiveforcedlessoptionrely
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Education.
education
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Pretty, isn't she? Hmm?
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Perhaps her name is Mary
marynameperhaps
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or Wendy or Becky Lou, it doesn't matter
beckymatterwendy
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because her real name is disease.
diseasenamerealreal-name
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Not so pretty anymore, is she, men?
anymore
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Cankers.
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Lesions.
lesions
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Furuncles.
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Such is the price of weakness.
priceweakness
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I can't believe they're swallowing this.
believeswallowing
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Standard technique.
standardtechnique
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Generate a fear response, make the brain more receptive.
brainfeargenerateresponse
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I don't care. Spangler has ruined everything in our lives.
carelivesruinedspangler
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Now he has to ruin sex?
ruin
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Now, remember, every one of these diseases can easily be transmitted to you.
diseaseseasilyremember
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Excuse me, sir?
excuse
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- Isn't that slide upside down? - No, son.
slideupside
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No, it isn't.
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- Ow! - Okay, pal, all right.
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I'll get the ice pack.
pack
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Dewey, we told you to stop climbing that tree. It's too big.
climbingdeweytree
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I couldn't help it.
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I know, sweetheart.
sweetheart
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That's it, I've had it.
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That sucker's coming down.
comingsuckers
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- You're gonna cut down the tree? - Darn right.
darntree
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I'm sick and tired of raking leaves and hosing bird poop off our car.
birdhosingleavespoopsicktired
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And seeing that weird face in the bark that follows you wherever you go.
barkfacefollowsseeingweird
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Now it's going after the children? No, Lois, it has to be stopped.
childrenloisstopped
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Can I help kill it?
kill
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Sure, sweetheart. We'll take turns.
sweetheartturns
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All right, frozen pizza.
frozenpizza
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The only thing Rowena can't ruin.
ruin
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- Hey, no cuts. - "Hey, no cuts."
cuts
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Two slices, please.
slices
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- Is there any more pizza? - No, all out.
pizza
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It's American goulash for you.
american
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What... is that?
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I don't know.
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All I can identify are little pieces of carrot and...
carrotidentifypieces
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I don't know, I think they're Skittles.
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Hey, look at the goulash boy.
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Get away from me, Kevin.
kevin
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"Ooh. Get away from me, Kevin."
kevin
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He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza, and I do.
pizza
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I said get away.
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Chill... man.
chill
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I got... your back.
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What are you looking at, Kenar-butt?
buttlooking
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Light.
light
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Some shadows.
shadows
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Kevin, I'm warning you. Get out of my face.
facekevinwarning
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Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me eating close to his face
closeeatingfacemalcolm
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with pizza I have and he doesn't.
pizza
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Pizza, pizza, pizza.
pizzapizza-pizza
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Pizza. Pizza.
pizzapizza-pizza
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Pizza.
pizza
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You want pizza? I'll give you pizza.
pizza
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Fight! Fight! Fight!
fightfight-fightfight-fight-fight
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Fight! Fight! Fight!
fightfight-fightfight-fight-fight
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Wow. Watching hockey has really paid off. I can't believe how good I'm doing.
believehockeypaidwatching
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Ow.
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What do you mean he's only 7?
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What's not to understand? He just turned 7.
turned
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I guess you were too busy beating people to notice.
beatingbusynotice
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He can't be 7, he's bigger than I am.
bigger
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He's in second grade.
gradesecond
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Look at all this blood.
blood
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That's not blood, it's pizza sauce. Well, that's blood, but--
bloodpizzasauce
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
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- What happened? - I want my Teletubby.
happened
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A doll? You can't play with dolls if you're 7.
dolldolls
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Why are you 7?
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- You beat up a 7-year-old? - I didn't know!
beat
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Malcolm, I don't blame you.
blamemalcolm
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I put this squarely where it belongs.
belongs
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On me.
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Oh, man, this is the most horrible thing I've ever done.
horrible
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- Kevin, I'm sorry. - I think you've done quite enough.
kevin
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This is the worst birthday ever.
birthdayworst
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"Inappropriate, vicious." Oh, wait, "Thug"?
inappropriatethugvicious
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Dude, I've never gotten "thug" before. That's like the Oscar.
gottenoscarthug
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Susie Gunther ate my crayons. Can you beat her up tomorrow?
beatgunthertomorrow
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Leave me alone.
alone
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You know my favorite part?
favoritefavorite-partpart
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It's when you pound on someone, and then a day later,
pound
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you still feel the pain in your knuckles.
knucklespain
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I love that.
love
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Shut up, Reese!
reese
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Hey, hey, pace yourself, killer.
killerpace
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Whoa.
whoa
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Dad. You cut down the tree, and we missed it?
missedtree
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Oh, baby, you missed it, all right.
babymissed
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I was about two-thirds of the way through her, then crack! Kaboom!
crack
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My chain saw goes flying. All the car alarms go off.
alarmschainflying
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About a hundred squirrels came boiling out of the branches.
boilingbrancheshundredsquirrels
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Then a pack of dogs came out of nowhere and chased them all over the neighborhood.
chaseddogsneighborhoodpack
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Man, I've never seen anything like it.
seen
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- Man. - Oh, don't worry, son.
worry
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You'll get to share in the best part. Cleaning up.
bestbest-partcleaningpartshare
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Boys, I think you'll enjoy my sexual awareness lecture next week.
awarenessboysenjoylecturesexualweek
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It's been called "riveting."
calledriveting
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It sure worked wonders for me, sir.
wondersworked
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The only woman I can think of without vomiting is my own mother.
mothervomitingwoman
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As it should be, son, as it should be.
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He's giving that same lecture to the underclassmen.
givinglecture
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I can't let that happen.
happen
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- I'm stealing his slides. - And to you, that's a good idea?
ideaslidesstealing
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Oh, absolutely.
absolutely
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I know it's hardcore, Stanley, but I'm not doing this for me.
hardcorestanley
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I'm doing it for them. After all, they are the future.
future
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Francis, I don't know why you assume
assumefrancis
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we'll be able to just walk into Spangler's office
ableofficespanglerswalk
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and find the sex slides.
slides
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Oh, man, I wish all my break-ins were this easy.
breakeasywish
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Okay, got it.
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732c1757-072c-4d61-800e-1c822bd49c93.gif
Oh, my God, this is a gold mine. Spangler drinking.
drinkinggoldspangler
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Spangler kissing.
kissingspangler
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Spangler in a Speedo.
spangler
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Spangler out of a Speedo.
spangler
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- That's enough. Let's leave. - Wait a second.
second
↓
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I have an idea.
idea
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I'm gonna make Spangler's sexual awareness lecture
awarenesslecturesexualspanglers
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e4998fee-d8ca-47f2-b5b5-0f90fe49e3bf.gif
just a little more interesting.
interesting
↓
f21943c5-d911-483d-ac14-4d80863cd72e.gif
You do realize what he'll do to you if you humiliate him like this, right?
humiliaterealize
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And yet I'm doing it anyway. Weird, huh?
weird
↓
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Why are the eggs so little?
eggs
↓
3618b06b-e109-407a-9a4b-932be8e4e085.gif
They're robin's eggs from the tree your father cut down.
eggsfatherrobinstree
↓
8e3d8d4c-2485-468f-bc4b-a86543b8153b.gif
Paul Bunyan.
paul
↓
37eb3392-f0bd-4ce0-aa16-8ab324273fe0.gif
That's nature for you.
nature
↓
ff0eb7a1-57c6-4032-8605-c226f656f7cf.gif
Hundred years to grow, 12 minutes to cut down.
growhundredminutesyears
↓
848dc94f-2dcb-4307-a087-e985c1c503e6.gif
There's got to be a lesson in there somewhere.
lesson
↓
143198a0-d503-4ca8-b0cf-78d3c79e3b8a.gif
Nice having this extra light.
extrahavinglight
↓
44cf196c-a504-4fe6-94af-5b8fec376777.gif
Wait'll I bring in the wood chipper. Then you're really gonna see something.
bringwood
↓
90d28b6a-93c5-4f40-a2b8-293a03eb8e8d.gif
I can't take this anymore. When are you gonna punish me?
anymorepunish
↓
2b700dbb-7906-4e85-9611-b21a790c252f.gif
- For what? - For beating up a 7-year-old.
beating
↓
caad4144-2330-4750-8ed2-16d2920d1208.gif
God, that's right.
↓
1d13ecc5-9e65-4433-8eb8-bb8d829101ea.gif
You must've just felt ridiculous when you found out how old that kid was.
foundmustveridiculous
↓
ab8e35b0-969f-4bc8-9eff-0dd27a464b7a.gif
I can only imagine the look on your face.
faceimagine
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5aada516-9033-4a3f-9c41-bbf2e2c202e2.gif
I'll get it.
↓
16a9f7c2-37d2-4b56-b6d0-54dde35d8104.gif
This is nice. We should start every day with a good laugh.
laughstart
↓
258d8758-7824-4499-8819-3f7d59171cc4.gif
It's not funny.
funny
↓
3f1b8276-cb25-412b-9f9a-15d002d7865b.gif
It's awful. I did something horrible. Don't you even care?
awfulcarehorrible
↓
3fa0a0ed-0a2d-4b77-9d35-2f81f3996ea3.gif
It's nothing to be proud of, son,
proud
↓
993ddffb-9fd4-439e-8039-40b92a895d3a.gif
but you told us the whole story. He didn't give you much choice.
choicestorywholewhole-story
↓
4d06215d-3399-4b0c-8a91-f20cfaecda25.gif
It was an honest beating mistake.
beatinghonestmistake
↓
cfb6a0f2-5e8e-4d55-ad64-da036022a229.gif
Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.
besidesenemiesmessagesends
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7fa99296-9b96-4c0e-a9e3-b367e3f3a8af.gif
- What are you talking about? What enemies? - Oh, they're out there.
enemies
↓
1be1c6ae-e158-4cc8-ab3b-0f91c2db08ad.gif
And once they know we're capable of this, they'll know we're capable of anything.
capable
↓
3db343be-db14-48c3-aba9-840cc9a6742f.gif
Okay, so it's not just me, right?
↓
c9596945-e976-4858-95d7-e5406b59d889.gif
There's something seriously wrong with this family.
family
↓
f7b0649c-a522-4b9f-b84d-b08ea61fa1a4.gif
It's none of your business what we do on our property.
businessproperty
↓
24d1c4e7-81ba-48a2-a45d-911cab8ba136.gif
That tree was older than your house. You had no right to cut it down.
houseoldertree
↓
4e680d4c-947b-4385-a01e-b884696a23a2.gif
We're a neighborhood. And removing trees is a neighborhood decision.
decisionneighborhoodremovingtrees
↓
de878a1e-73c3-4425-afe0-05d065f7ddf1.gif
For 15 years, you've mowed your lawns in the middle of the night
middlenightyears
↓
82fb7b6b-d3e5-4f13-86a1-99cd35afddc1.gif
so you don't have to talk to us.
↓
9a33ccd7-0dbb-4f7e-ae3e-606038e5e404.gif
- All of a sudden we're a neighborhood? - What's going on?
neighborhoodsudden
↓
bfca0273-5d5b-4ee1-8e8b-f145dc59fa64.gif
You've caused a blight on our street by cutting down that tree.
causedcuttingstreettree
↓
4bffb6f3-ccb6-459a-a77f-26536ffedf56.gif
How is cutting down a tree a blight?
cuttingtree
↓
9d9ff694-71f7-42a9-b181-a852bcd7acb7.gif
Because now we can see your house.
house
↓
9ebf908a-9ab2-41e5-98da-0748db90715c.gif
Well, let me tell you something, Ed!
↓
d68b7ae8-9b59-449d-a96c-8fa4d2e7ba82.gif
As far as I'm concerned, you and the neighbors can all just--
concernedneighbors
↓
124415eb-3b01-44e1-8019-51c216c20568.gif
And that goes double for me.
double
↓
47b7f427-ecff-43ac-86b2-43825c4aade9.gif
I want you all off our property now or I'll--
property
↓
911ad141-b181-4364-b2dc-fb4ea61bd658.gif
No wonder I'm a thug. How can they act like this?
thugwonder
↓
47dd19b0-8978-43d9-b6e3-a045e8f66350.gif
And then I found out that he was only 7.
found
↓
3ecabc03-29db-40b6-a4b1-65dcab1b72ec.gif
I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had to talk to someone.
↓
7bbf64ae-2d34-41f2-888d-47a76e6989d0.gif
I hope I'm doing this right.
hope
↓
784453b2-75a8-400b-9146-376d689a95d0.gif
My family, we're not, like, regular churchgoers,
familyregular
↓
7313fdad-fd62-448e-a8bc-3f109017954c.gif
but I know places like this are supposed to help you feel better,
placessupposed
↓
79028909-218a-4d97-ba5f-dfe1e664d4dc.gif
and that's really what I need.
↓
8be70b0e-be4f-4bdd-a934-9b5cee6569a0.gif
I did something terrible, and now I just feel like there's something wrong with me.
↓
2948d57a-b32c-49ab-b73e-70260ca1263b.gif
I mean, really wrong, deep inside.
deep
↓
dbd03c85-af77-41f6-a941-293d2b77c1f8.gif
I can't shake it. What do I do?
shake
↓
484af16a-225a-4ade-bb6b-97bf04596fcd.gif
Look to the church.
church
↓
a3b7fa17-b0ff-4d01-afb4-77da734a7cd5.gif
Look to God.
↓
ef123cfe-ddc2-4cea-9b30-9275107b44bd.gif
Look within.
↓
7d9722c9-45d3-4051-9c20-a6405f2abfa8.gif
- But, first you must ask forgiveness. - First, you must atone.
forgivenessmust
↓
db3784c1-fb3e-413d-838e-2f69b4d2500e.gif
First, you must cleanse your spirit.
cleansemustspirit
↓
5b22fdb7-7645-4188-a7af-9884605f7bfa.gif
- The path to salvation. - The path to temptation.
pathsalvationtemptation
↓
db628823-150b-4e78-8a75-7efee2dd4357.gif
- The path to meditation. - How does one define a sin?
definemeditationpath
↓
307febca-9f12-4dd9-b266-33f5d56610e0.gif
- Mostly common sense. - You have to light incense.
commoncommon-senselightmostlysense
↓
f2bd2985-536d-495c-9738-c73d809838ab.gif
- If you practiced abstinence. - It's whatever space you're in.
practicedspace
↓
8a1205cb-ddab-4ad1-bedb-4de0a9d04698.gif
Huh?
↓
7b155a21-5179-45bf-a39d-0506938238ec.gif
- Charity. - Prosperity.
charity
↓
4cd8d2af-2b0d-44e7-bd2c-7f7e26674ee3.gif
- Clarity. - Divine.
claritydivine
↓
b38ac23e-758e-4f39-a899-e9b59923b3bc.gif
- Restitution. - Absolution.
↓
a7193691-71c2-4079-a004-dc6148efa031.gif
- Contribution. - Palestine.
contributionpalestine
↓
fbe9e818-95ba-4949-8f38-d957d37c0165.gif
- Sacramental. Mostly mental. - Accidental. You'll be fine.
accidentalmentalmostly
↓
1bcc2d22-e533-456b-85a5-93f050695c96.gif
- Transubstantiate. - Alleviate.
↓
9c803f7a-63b6-4d6c-b721-ea8086f9b5be.gif
- Who knows? - Align your spine.
knowsspine
↓
1ed19f53-a72e-4516-af8c-c7649186818e.gif
Uh...
↓
64f9077d-86d7-4455-8208-3e10c044d489.gif
Well, thanks. I feel much better. Bye.
thanks
↓
b3ffe55d-a4ed-4669-81c4-2cd604a7480c.gif
Hey, boys! Where's your brother?
boysbrother
↓
f18b49e9-abd5-42e9-af9a-fc989ba5d69c.gif
I don't know. He said something about being evil
evil
↓
a30bbc73-bcf2-41de-a8ed-5178709c5723.gif
- and he took off. - Ah.
↓
da21c1af-bda6-4bc6-8d52-68a36eafdf1a.gif
Stay back.
↓
528a9a76-03fd-4dbf-803f-e8e61aafc34e.gif
Wow!
↓
32c5230b-eb78-494a-992c-ec4d17c0ecbe.gif
That was the coolest thing I've ever seen.
coolestseen
↓
947b6de1-984c-41df-b87d-d90b6cd8a8cc.gif
Really?
↓
ca4bdf19-147b-44d6-b901-850f36d6e411.gif
All it does is instantly vaporize anything that goes into it.
instantly
↓
63893890-1404-4496-af9b-ddda25b25f15.gif
Dewey! What was--?
dewey
↓
41ebc46f-bac8-4c95-b97d-d345f75c9c95.gif
Actually, that was pretty cool.
cool
↓
7ff7bdbe-796c-458b-a3b0-79eed05a240e.gif
What else you got?
↓
4c7e6640-4ad4-4147-baf6-daaf855e747d.gif
Whoo!
whoo
↓
3d2b6743-f377-4908-8330-e989847573e2.gif
Well, we've obviously run out of ideas.
ideasobviously
↓
be25c6f2-f793-47e6-bb6c-c30edb9498a5.gif
Yolanda, this is a love that cannot be.
cannotlove
↓
1bde91c7-b3a9-4657-8c53-2d5333f87c10.gif
Stop. Can't you put some life in it? It's 1969!
life
↓
7d216035-a459-4eba-a6a1-47b4acdaddd6.gif
The slide rule is about to be replaced by the pocket calculator.
pocketreplacedruleslide
↓
9765acbe-0d0e-4553-a0a3-cc3ee5b28d5c.gif
You have to feel the panic in the air.
panic
↓
8c10eb39-0fd0-42f0-adf4-3f9f236ed696.gif
I can't stop thinking about what I did to Kevin.
kevinthinking
↓
b26528ec-1e7c-4cf5-90fa-2f342e95aed3.gif
I feel like crap, and no one understands. Even you.
understands
↓
9b4188f8-ab1c-42b0-95a9-3be4375b30d8.gif
You're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care.
carefriendsupposed
↓
52b71c4b-4ddf-48d5-b104-0731b56d7895.gif
And yet, you keep... talking.
↓
da6bfb91-987c-49e7-ae2e-0c37f31225e1.gif
Maybe if I did something good, that would cancel it out, right?
cancel
↓
66988dd7-b438-4cb3-8829-02ed9143605e.gif
Or if I'm only doing it to feel better, is that selfish and doesn't count as much?
countselfish
↓
6534ab3f-12fa-4ec7-9af3-654074af3f4d.gif
Stevie?
stevie
↓
14333c99-5f0c-492b-b0a1-fb07fa933d4a.gif
Okay. So I just have to think of a really giant good deed.
deedgiant
↓
8e5bc20b-0da4-48f8-80b2-f8c1f8ac0194.gif
That way, I know I'll be in the plus column.
plus
↓
092094c2-f55f-41e7-940e-c8e7d976a7aa.gif
I bet I can think of something great. I just have to put some thought into it.
↓
f225b0e2-9c8e-407a-b696-bfdb3da2fe50.gif
There.
↓
5f09ce87-d738-4ec8-b9ad-f034ea9d7026.gif
That's perfect. I'll run the marathon
marathonperfect
↓
14a4e2a6-02a2-4d4c-9ff4-6fe92f3aef80.gif
and get people to pledge money for every mile I go.
milemoneypledge
↓
65a6d2ef-bb7b-4cad-a87a-8bb80c1ea5e4.gif
I hate running, so it'll be hard.
hardhateitllrunning
↓
4bafeaef-2fab-46d5-9cd2-93731f7f0517.gif
I'll have to train for it. It'll take dedication.
dedicationitlltrain
↓
ac6267c2-7ea0-416d-9c5f-059342ad6bbb.gif
And it'll be helping cure diseases which no one likes.
curediseaseshelpingitlllikes
↓
48215973-a120-4875-bd7d-36af8233fc38.gif
And then I can get on with my life.
life
↓
999a6c53-77dd-4777-a82b-16c002892e9b.gif
No. No. No!
↓
ea83780b-ad6b-405f-b15a-a705b28cd623.gif
I can't work like this!
↓
3aed0424-7fd9-4942-9182-864154f10eb9.gif
I'll be at my cubby.
↓
a6c6a767-ef27-45b5-9ccd-a11aeb2599f2.gif
This will work. It has to.
↓
fad19650-14ff-4229-ab39-0b09b281f09b.gif
There we go.
↓
bdc7674d-aad2-43a8-aed9-e593c186219b.gif
Looks great, Dad.
↓
bd6b9479-d4d3-4269-867c-b825de5840e1.gif
Yeah? I don't know.
↓
06aae88f-f66d-46b1-8b2e-0b7a4d479db8.gif
Now that it's in there, it sort of makes me miss the old tree.
makesmisstree
↓
aa4f5116-0673-4dd1-977a-7ca7308de03d.gif
This one's a little droopy, and the branches are a little spindly,
branchesdroopyones
↓
989887b2-674e-47bf-a139-84f373c62764.gif
and there's no face.
face
↓
a21c640d-d488-4d4a-9177-db3ab047f879.gif
Well, there's that little one,
↓
cf0d660f-f094-4fc3-a49c-1de569f3856a.gif
but it's not the kindly little spooky face.
facekindlyspooky
↓
603ae69b-a2ca-469b-b651-76e9ef99b4fb.gif
Oh, my God! What have I done?
↓
78f62f02-23d7-4981-a066-f38f0ce62bc5.gif
Reese. Get my chain saw.
chainreese
↓
eb65ecbd-ccd5-4d55-9dc1-4dfd5ca96693.gif
I hear your son likes to beat up 7-year-olds.
beatlikesolds
↓
f791202a-dd94-430b-bb3d-0471418f5d81.gif
I wouldn't say he likes it. He's good at it, apparently, but--
apparentlylikes
↓
9c156936-0af5-4a17-ba45-c7db5029c7c3.gif
Look, in my family... we don't go for that.
family
↓
34df5d04-9231-4617-9024-9ab8a68ec217.gif
Probably not a good idea to poke me.
ideapoke
↓
64db71a1-25fa-4d89-af05-53ca376b43cd.gif
"Probably not a good idea to poke me."
ideapoke
↓
4fd2513a-27c8-41d7-8bd5-662a240a8ed6.gif
I'm sorry I beat him up,
beat
↓
f18b3958-4b8b-4e84-8c71-a53c18700b7a.gif
but how was I supposed to know he was 15?
supposed
↓
4e3357f8-4150-49d9-855b-6d8af2fb0c37.gif
He was huge! You should have seen the grip he had on my throat.
griphugeseenthroat
↓
788386a3-f85f-4597-91c5-58757c09a39d.gif
I need all the pledge sheets before we can begin.
beginpledgesheets
↓
63b3fb3e-1871-4829-9a08-edc9cfdec6a7.gif
Thank you, thank you. Thank you.
↓
da8330cd-f44a-40c4-953b-e76ebea8bc34.gif
Caroline?
caroline
↓
925def3a-53b2-4b90-96a6-e6a37431b731.gif
Malcolm, I am so glad you decided to do this.
decidedgladmalcolm
↓
632b930f-61ed-4482-9e43-50a843314b6e.gif
- Now, were you able to get any pledges? - Here.
able
↓
d8211ebb-a528-4aeb-a201-aaf59d91cd4b.gif
I don't suppose there's a beer guy around here, huh?
beersuppose
↓
e0bbb0da-72f5-497b-8f93-10b6fbd93e81.gif
This is a charity race at an elementary school.
charityelementaryelementary-schoolraceschool
↓
67da5c15-c0a5-4eaf-95f2-4a5e0470e13e.gif
Oh. So I have to go to a stand or something, huh?
stand
↓
dea9edd1-27e9-4f43-b378-65f353bfe136.gif
My God. Are these real?
real
↓
3eb9eea1-b120-4ba6-a78e-573809bd3db3.gif
- Well, I assume so. Why? - Look at all of them.
assume
↓
44a46c05-6da8-4c0e-9ea0-be7e826ed5e7.gif
He has more pledges here than everyone else put together.
↓
b33f76f4-3d0c-4243-9dac-9572bf2a2116.gif
If he runs the distance, he is going to raise over $8,000.
distanceraiseruns
↓
145a790b-0c36-4ab5-943b-1a0f6d894570.gif
Ow.
↓
ec4a242c-ba8d-4e51-aeb2-c0af36d0b4b3.gif
Perhaps her name is Mary or Wendy or Becky Lou.
beckymarynameperhapswendy
↓
5fa3e8eb-dfd1-42fb-9c74-bd60074e6061.gif
It doesn't matter because her real name is disease.
diseasematternamerealreal-name
↓
ec428942-42dc-4f77-bef0-07fcbe888b33.gif
Isn't so pretty anymore, is she, boys?
anymoreboys
↓
1ca0c1e4-27e9-4a52-a442-cbed7cb9cd94.gif
Cankers. Lesions. Furuncles.
lesions
↓
2f1f8261-ccda-4309-9b84-f7934dd14a82.gif
Such is the pri--
↓
e5b5d905-4bf4-4c7f-a2ff-1ab794fc54ec.gif
These aren't the proper slides.
properslides
↓
e7854845-9be8-4ac7-9dcd-52d9286f46cb.gif
Some hooligan has switched them.
switched
↓
bb8a5dfa-e0be-4b43-8e05-fc9bc987062f.gif
Now, this is obviously some ingenious scheme to humiliate me.
humiliateingeniousobviouslyscheme
↓
3f369708-c75b-47cc-87fc-02f1b3b9863c.gif
I find myself so overcome with embarrassment, I can't stop clicking.
clickingembarrassmentovercome
↓
8c7e9c28-a029-47a0-a45f-2cd2fcb90a5b.gif
Although there's probably one in here of a cadet
cadet
↓
87844a84-6478-46b3-9769-0aa202eaad4f.gif
who thinks he's all alone, and...
alonethinks
↓
80bb4cf5-4c90-407c-b8db-109e2cce7e9e.gif
Well... technical difficulties.
technical
↓
a9691af9-ba05-44d5-9a8f-5f8888b9287c.gif
We will resume the lecture...
lectureresume
↓
b7c39ee1-de67-4fa6-bf94-fbb7cf92ed49.gif
with the proper slides at 0800 tomorrow.
properslidestomorrow
↓
55b71f9f-2efd-4db1-865a-25b457d0d5ce.gif
Gentlemen.
gentlemen
↓
0dc49fa8-b8c5-4011-b6fe-7e9a2826d6ca.gif
Remember, son, a good soldier always checks the chamber.
chamberchecksremembersoldier
↓
05d34d15-ff29-4bc4-bf94-d15fe6fbb3ea.gif
Okay, this is going to sting.
sting
↓
08656fc1-2ef4-472d-b05c-9bbbaf5d5831.gif
- What is with you? - Nothing.
↓
5d457c40-c829-411d-8aaf-b068fe37d8ac.gif
Usually you scream like a stuck pig when I put this stuff on.
screamstuckstuffusually
↓
706762f3-6dd6-4258-be6f-87d551725c95.gif
You have been such a zombie lately.
latelyzombie
↓
c69f5165-e5e6-4c92-b10e-e50da2626e57.gif
It feels worse on the inside than it does on my knee.
feelskneeworse
↓
a4b84c0a-2ba0-45b3-a053-27793dcfcef4.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
8bf7c771-670f-4d01-876a-57e448c40c89.gif
Mom, I can't stop feeling bad about what I did to Kevin.
feelingkevin
↓
ac42e598-b2e7-4fe9-a150-ad7e36058cf3.gif
I feel like I have a monster inside of me.
monster
↓
185bdb1b-f173-479d-a918-a7d9cc3d5e21.gif
Oh, for crying out loud, Malcolm, that's no monster.
cryingloudmalcolmmonster
↓
fc9b2ee0-582f-4dc9-8bd1-96bf9381a593.gif
That's your conscience. You should be thankful God gave you one.
consciencethankful
↓
544e9f17-1608-4bb5-8134-3f7934213adf.gif
Yeah. It feels great.
feels
↓
2f6ecc6b-d96c-4f39-952d-fddfe25c7b0b.gif
I'm serious.
serious
↓
773fd84b-db70-431b-a043-c2f34db26220.gif
It's a gift. You know what most people do with theirs?
gift
↓
ebac1ced-f0ab-4ac3-9f48-defe773db07c.gif
They keep them in the closet all year. They bring them out
bringcloset
↓
d6465ad5-46a4-469a-b24f-45754d0d8362.gif
when they think he's coming to visit. You're not like that.
comingvisit
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- Good for you. - But I can't stop thinking about it.
thinking
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Aah!
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- Thinking about it then? - No.
thinking
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See?
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I promise you will feel bad about Kevin only as long as you're supposed to.
kevinpromisesupposed
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Now go to bed.
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You're a nice boy, and I'll kick the conniption
kick
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out of anybody who says you aren't, including that little voice in your head.
anybodyheadincludingvoice
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Okay.
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- Good night, Mom. - Good night, sweetie.
nightsweetie
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- Night, Dad. - Good night, son.
night