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Home » Mean Girls » S01E01 — Mean Girls

Mean Girls

Season 1, Episode 1 — Mean Girls

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This is your lunch, OK?

lunch

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Now, I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk.

dollar milk

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You can ask one of the big kids where to do that.

kids

↓

You remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you, just in case.

case number phone phone-number remember wrote

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Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it.

lose pocket

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OK? You ready?

ready

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I think so.

↓

It's Cady's big day.

↓

I guess it's natural for parents to cry on their kid's first day of school.

kids natural parents school

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But, you know, this usually happens when the kid is 5.

happens usually

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I'm 16 and until today, I was home-schooled.

home home-schooled schooled today

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I know what you're thinking. "Home-schooled kids are freaks."

freaks home home-schooled kids schooled thinking

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X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P. Xylocarp.

↓

Or that we're weirdly religious or something.

religious

↓

And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-achion rifle

bolt created remington rifle third

↓

so that Man could fight the dinosaurs.

fight

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And the homosexuals.

↓

- Amen. - Amen.

amen amen-amen

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But my family's totally normal.

familys normal

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Except for the fact that both my parents are research zoologists

except fact parents research

↓

and we've spent the last 12 years in Africa.

africa spent years

↓

I had a great life.

life

↓

But then my mom got offered tenure at Northwestern University.

offered tenure university

↓

So it was goodbye Africa and hello high school.

africa goodbye school

↓

I'm OK. Sorry.

↓

I'll be careful.

careful

↓

Hi.

↓

I don't know if anyone told you about me.

↓

I'm a new student here. My name is Cady Heron.

cady cady-heron heron name student

↓

Talk to me again and I'll kick your ass.

kick

↓

You don't wanna sit there. Kristen Hadley's boyfriend is gonna sit there.

boyfriend

↓

Hey, baby.

baby

↓

He farts a lot.

farts

↓

Hey, everybody.

everybody

↓

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

↓

It's not you. I'm bad luck.

luck

↓

Ms. Norbury?

norbury

↓

My T-shirt's stuck to my sweater, isn't it?

shirts stuck sweater

↓

- Yeah. - Fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Is everything all right in here?

↓

- Oh, yeah. - So...

↓

...how was your summer? - I got divorced.

divorced summer

↓

My carpal tunnel came back.

carpal tunnel

↓

- I win. - Yes, you do.

↓

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know

wanted

↓

that we have a new student joining us.

joining student

↓

She just moved here all the way from Africa.

africa moved

↓

Welcome.

welcome

↓

- I'm from Michigan. - Great.

michigan

↓

Her name is Cady. Cady Heron.

cady cady-heron heron name

↓

- Where are you, Cady? - That's me.

cady

↓

- It's pronounced like Katie. - My apologies.

apologies katie pronounced

↓

I have a nephew named Anfernee,

named nephew

↓

and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony.

anthony

↓

Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact

fact

↓

that my sister named him Anfernee.

named sister

↓

Well, welcome, Cady.

cady welcome

↓

- And thank you, Mr. Duvall. - Well, thank you.

duvall

↓

And...

↓

...if you need anything or if you wanna talk to somebody...

somebody

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Maybe some other time, when my shirt isn't see-through.

shirt

↓

OK.

↓

OK. Good day, everybody.

everybody

↓

The first day of school was a blur.

blur school

↓

A stressful, surreal blur.

blur stressful

↓

I got in trouble for the most random things.

random trouble

↓

- Where are you going? - Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

You need the lavatory pass.

pass

↓

OK. Can I have the lavatory pass?

pass

↓

Nice try. Have a seat.

seat

↓

I had never lived in a world where adults didn't trust me,

adults lived trust world

↓

where they were always yelling at me.

yelling

↓

- Don't read ahead! - No green pen!

ahead green read

↓

No food in class!

class food

↓

I told you, I saw the whole thing.

whole

↓

- Everything. - Did you see nipple?

nipple

↓

- It only counts if you saw a nipple. - That's true, dude.

counts nipple

↓

I had a lot of friends in Africa.

africa friends

↓

What?

↓

But so far, none in Evanston.

↓

Hey. How was your first day?

↓

Is that your natural hair color?

color hair natural

↓

- Yeah. - It's gorgeous.

gorgeous

↓

Thank you.

↓

See, this is the color I want.

color

↓

This is Damian. He's almost too gay to function.

damian function

↓

- Nice to meet you. - Nice wig, Janis.

janis meet

↓

- What's it made of? - Your mom's chest hair!

chest chest-hair hair moms

↓

- I'm Janis. - Hi, I'm Cady.

cady janis

↓

Do you guys know where Room G 14 is?

room

↓

"Health, Tuesday/Thursday, Room G 14."

health room thursday tuesday

↓

I think that's in the back building.

building

↓

- Yeah, that's in the back building. - Yeah, we'll take you there.

building

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Watch out, please! New meat coming through!

coming meat watch

↓

"Health. Spanish."

health spanish

↓

You're taking 12th-grade calculus?

calculus grade

↓

- Yeah, I like math. - Why?

math

↓

Because it's the same in every country.

country

↓

That's beautiful. This girl is deep.

deep girl

↓

Where's the back building?

building

↓

It burned down in 1987.

burned

↓

Won't we get in some sort of trouble for this?

trouble

↓

Why would we get you into trouble?

trouble

↓

We're your friends.

friends

↓

I know it's wrong to skip class, but Janis said we were friends.

class friends janis skip

↓

And I was in no position to pass up friends.

friends pass position

↓

I guess I'll never know what I missed on that first day of health class.

class health missed

↓

Don't have sex. Because you will get pregnant and die.

pregnant

↓

Don't have sex in the missionary position,

missionary position

↓

don't have sex standing up.

standing

↓

Just don't do it, promise?

promise

↓

OK, everybody take some rubbers.

everybody rubbers

↓

Why didn't they just keep home-schooling you?

home home-schooling schooling

↓

They wanted me to get socialized.

wanted

↓

Oh, you'll get socialized, all right. A little slice like you.

slice

↓

- What are you talking about? - You're a regulation hottie.

hottie regulation

↓

- What? - Own it.

↓

How do you spell your name again, Cady?

cady name spell

↓

It's Cady. C-A-D-Y.

cady

↓

Yeah, I'm gonna call you Cady.

cady

↓

In the name of all that is holy, will you look at Karen Smith's gym clothes?

clothes holy karen name smiths

↓

Of course all The Plastics are in the same gym class.

class course plastics

↓

- Who are The Plastics? - They're teen royalty.

plastics royalty teen

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If North Shore was Us Weekly, they would always be on the cover.

cover north north-shore shore weekly

↓

That one there, that's Karen Smith.

karen smith

↓

She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet.

dumbest girls meet

↓

Damian sat next to her in English last year.

damian english

↓

She asked me how to spell "orange".

asked orange spell

↓

And that little one? That's Gretchen Wieners.

gretchen gretchen-wieners wieners

↓

She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Strudel.

invented rich toaster

↓

Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business.

business everybodys gretchen gretchen-wieners knows wieners

↓

She knows everything about everyone.

knows

↓

That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets.

full hair secrets

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And evil takes a human form in Regina George.

evil form george human regina regina-george takes

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Don't be fooled, because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing,

fooled selfish stabbing typical

↓

slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality, she is so much more than that.

faced reality slut

↓

She's the queen bee.

queen

↓

The star. Those other two are just her little workers.

star workers

↓

Regina George.

george regina regina-george

↓

How do I even begin to explain Regina George?

begin explain george regina regina-george

↓

Regina George is flawless.

flawless george regina regina-george

↓

She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.

lexus purses silver

↓

I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.

hairs

↓

I hear she does car commercials. In Japan.

commercials japan

↓

Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.

blues favorite movie

↓

One time, she met John Stamos on a plane.

john john-stamos plane stamos

↓

And he told her she was pretty.

↓

One time, she punched me in the face.

face punched

↓

It was awesome.

awesome

↓

She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

fierce fling fling-queen queen spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen wins

↓

- Who cares? - I care.

care cares

↓

Every year, the seniors throw this dance for the underclassmen

dance seniors throw

↓

called The Spring Fling.

called fling spring spring-fling

↓

And whomsoever is elected Spring Fling King and Queen

elected fling king queen spring spring-fling

↓

automatically becomes head of the Student Activities Committee.

activities automatically becomes committee head student

↓

And since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee,

active activities committee member student

↓

I would say, yeah, I care.

care

↓

Damian, you've truly out-gayed yourself.

damian truly

↓

Here. This map is gonna be your guide to North Shore.

guide north north-shore shore

↓

Now, where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial

cafeteria crucial

↓

because you got everybody there.

everybody

↓

You got your freshmen, ROTC guys,

↓

preps, JV jocks,

jocks

↓

Asian nerds,

asian nerds

↓

cool Asians,

asians cool

↓

varsity jocks,

jocks

↓

unfriendly black hotties,

black hotties

↓

girls who eat their feelings,

feelings girls

↓

girls who don't eat anything,

girls

↓

desperate wannabes,

desperate

↓

burnouts,

↓

sexually active band geeks,

active band geeks sexually sexually-active

↓

the greatest people you will ever meet

greatest meet

↓

and the worst. Beware of The Plastics.

beware plastics worst

↓

Hey. We're doing a lunchtime survey of new students.

lunchtime students survey

↓

Can you answer a few questions?

answer questions

↓

- OK. - Is your muffin buttered?

buttered muffin

↓

What?

↓

Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?

assign butter muffin

↓

- My what? - Is he bothering you?

bothering

↓

Jason, why are you such a skeez?

jason

↓

I'm just being friendly.

friendly

↓

You were supposed to call me last night.

night supposed

↓

Jason. You do not come to a party at my house with Gretchen

gretchen house jason party

↓

and then scam on some poor, innocent girl right in front of us three days later.

days front girl innocent poor scam three three-days

↓

She's not interested.

interested

↓

Do you wanna have sex with him?

↓

- No, thank you. - Good. So it's settled.

settled

↓

So you can go shave your back now.

shave

↓

Bye, Jason.

jason

↓

Bitch.

bitch

↓

Wait. Sit down.

↓

Seriously, sit down.

↓

Why don't I know you?

↓

I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.

africa moved

↓

- What? - I used to be home-schooled.

home home-schooled schooled used

↓

Wait. What?

↓

- My mom taught me at home... - No, no.

home taught

↓

I know what home-school is. I'm not retarded.

home home-school retarded school

↓

So you've actually never been to a real school before?

real school

↓

Shut up.

↓

Shut up.

↓

- I didn't say anything. - Home-schooled.

home home-schooled schooled

↓

- That's really interesting. - Thanks.

interesting thanks

↓

But you're, like, really pretty.

↓

- Thank you. - So you agree.

agree

↓

- What? - You think you're really pretty.

↓

- Oh, I don't know... - Oh, my God, I love your bracelet.

bracelet love

↓

- Where did you get it? - Oh, my mom made it for me.

↓

- It's adorable. - Oh, it's so fetch.

adorable fetch

↓

- What is "fetch"? - Oh, it's, like, slang. From England.

england fetch

↓

So if you're from Africa...

africa

↓

...why are you white?

white

↓

Oh, my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.

karen white

↓

Could you give us some privacy for, like, one second?

privacy second

↓

Yeah, sure.

↓

What are you doing?

↓

OK, you should just know that we don't do this a lot,

↓

so this is, like, a really huge deal.

deal huge

↓

We wanna invite you to have lunch with us

invite lunch

↓

every day for the rest of the week.

rest week

↓

- Oh, it's OK... - Coolness.

coolness

↓

So we'll see you tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.

pink wear wednesdays

↓

Oh, my God! OK, you have to do it, OK?

↓

And then you have to tell me all the horrible things that Regina says.

horrible regina

↓

Regina seems sweet.

regina seems sweet

↓

Regina George is not sweet.

george regina regina-george sweet

↓

She's a scum-sucking road whore! She ruined my life!

life road ruined scum sucking whore

↓

She's fabulous, but she's evil.

evil fabulous

↓

- Hey, get out of here! - Oh, my God, Danny DeVito.

danny danny-devito devito

↓

I love your work!

love

↓

- Why do you hate her? - What do you mean?

hate

↓

Regina. You seem to really hate her.

hate regina

↓

Yes. What's your question?

question

↓

- Well, my question is, why? - Regina started this rumor

question regina rumor started

↓

- that Janis was... - Damian! Shall we not?

damian janis

↓

Now, look. This isn't about hating her, OK?

hating

↓

I just think that it would be, like, a fun little experiment

experiment fun

↓

if you were to hang out with them and then tell us everything that they say.

hang

↓

- What do we even talk about? - Hair products.

hair products

↓

- Ashton Kutcher. - Is that a band?

band

↓

Would you just do it? Please?

↓

OK, fine. Do you have anything pink?

pink

↓

- Yes. - No.

↓

By eigtht period, I was so happy to get to math class.

class happy math period

↓

I mean, I'm good at math. I understand math.

math

↓

Nothing in math class could mess me up.

class math mess

↓

Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow?

borrow pencil

↓

I've only had one other crush in my life.

crush life

↓

His name was Nfume, and we were 5.

name

↓

It didn't work out.

↓

But this one hit me like a big, yellow school bus.

school yellow

↓

- Cady, what do you say? - He was...

cady

↓

So cute.

cute

↓

I mean, A- sub-N equals N plus one over four.

equals four plus

↓

That's right.

↓

That's good. Very good.

↓

All right, let's talk about your homework.

homework

↓

Hey. How was your second day?

second

↓

- Fine. - Were people nice?

↓

- No. - Did you make any friends?

friends

↓

Yeah.

↓

Having lunch with The Plastics was like leaving the actual world

actual having having-lunch leaving lunch plastics world

↓

and entering "Girl World".

entering girl girl-world world

↓

And Girl World had a lot of rules.

girl girl-world rules world

↓

You can't wear a tank top two days in a row,

days tank wear

↓

and you can only wear your hair in a ponytail once a week.

hair wear week

↓

So I guess you picked today.

picked today

↓

Oh, and we only wear jeans or track pants on Fridays.

fridays jeans pants track wear

↓

Now, if you break any of these rules, you can't sit with us at lunch.

break lunch rules

↓

I mean, not just you. Like, any of us.

↓

OK, like, if I was wearing jeans today,

jeans today wearing

↓

I would be sitting over there with the art freaks.

freaks sitting

↓

Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us

lunch vote

↓

because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group.

considerate group rest

↓

Well, I mean, you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first

asking friends skirt

↓

- if it looks good on you. - I wouldn't?

↓

Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys.

↓

Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.

↓

A hundred and twenty calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?

calories hundred percent twenty

↓

Forty-eight into 120?

eight forty

↓

I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.

calories eating foods less percent

↓

It's 40 percent.

percent

↓

Well, 48 over 120 equals X over 100,

equals

↓

and then you cross-multiply and get the value of X.

cross multiply value

↓

Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries.

cheese cheese-fries fries

↓

So have you seen any guys that you think are cute yet?

cute seen

↓

Well, there's this guy in my calculus class...

calculus class

↓

- Who is it? - It's a senior?

senior

↓

- His name's Aaron Samuels. - No!

aaron aaron-samuels names samuels

↓

Oh, no, you can't like Aaron Samuels.

aaron aaron-samuels samuels

↓

That's Regina's ex-boyfriend.

boyfriend reginas

↓

They went out for a year.

↓

Yeah, and then she was devastated

devastated

↓

when he broke up with her last summer.

broke summer

↓

I thought she dumped him for Shane Oman.

dumped shane

↓

OK, irregardless. Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends.

boyfriends friends limits

↓

I mean, that's just, like, the rules of feminism.

rules

↓

Don't worry. I'll never tell Regina what you said.

regina worry

↓

It'll be our little secret.

itll secret

↓

We define the sum of the infinite geometric series...

define infinite series

↓

Even though I wasn't allowed to like Aaron,

aaron allowed

↓

I was still allowed to look at him.

allowed

↓

And think about him.

↓

And talk to him.

↓

- Hey, Aar... - Hey, you're the Africa girl, right?

africa girl

↓

- Yeah. - I'm Kevin Gnapoor,

kevin

↓

captain of the North Shore Mathletes.

captain mathletes north north-shore shore

↓

We participate in math challenges against other high schools in the state,

challenges math participate schools state

↓

and we can get twice as much funding if we've got a girl.

funding girl twice

↓

So you should think about joining.

joining

↓

- Oh, you'd be perfect for it. - Yeah, definitely.

perfect

↓

Great, great. Let me give you my card.

card

↓

OK, so think it over.

↓

Because we'd like to get jackets.

jackets

↓

OK.

↓

Hey!

↓

Get in, loser. We're going shopping.

loser shopping

↓

Regina's like the Barbie doll I never had.

barbie doll reginas

↓

I'd never seen anybody so glamorous.

anybody glamorous seen seen-anybody

↓

- So how do you like North Shore? - It's good.

north north-shore shore

↓

I think I'm joining the Mathletes.

joining mathletes

↓

- No! No, no. - No, no.

↓

You cannot do that. That is social suicide.

cannot social suicide

↓

Damn, you are so lucky you have us to guide you.

guide lucky

↓

Being at Old Orctard Mall kind of reminded me of being home in Africa.

africa home mall reminded

↓

By the watering hole. when the animals are in heat.

animals heat hole watering

↓

Oh, my God, there's Jason!

jason

↓

Where? Oh, there he is.

↓

- And he's with Taylor Wedell. - I heard they're going out.

heard taylor

↓

Wait. Jason's not going out with Taylor.

taylor

↓

No. He cannot blow you off like that.

blow cannot

↓

He's such a little skeez. Give me your phone.

phone

↓

- You're not gonna call him, right? - Do you think I'm an idiot?

idiot

↓

No.

↓

- Wedell on South Boulevard. - Caller ID.

boulevard caller south

↓

Not when you connect from Information.

connect information

↓

- Hello? - Hello.

↓

May I please speak to Taylor Wedell?

speak taylor

↓

She's not home yet. Who's calling?

calling home

↓

Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood.

planned susan

↓

I have her test results. If you can have her give me a call as soon as she can.

results test test-results

↓

It's urgent. Thank you.

urgent

↓

She's not going out with anyone.

↓

OK, that was so fetch.

fetch

↓

Mom.

↓

Your house is really nice.

house

↓

I know, right?

↓

Make sure you check out her mom's boob job.

boob check moms

↓

They're hard as rocks.

hard rocks

↓

I'm home! Hey, Kylie.

home kylie

↓

Hey.

↓

Hey, hey, hey! How are my best girlfriends?

best girlfriends

↓

Hey, Mrs. George. This is Cady.

cady george

↓

Hello, sweetheart.

sweetheart

↓

- Hi. - Welcome to our home.

home welcome

↓

Just want you to know, if you need anything, don't be shy, OK?

↓

There are no rules in this house. I'm not like a regular mom.

house regular rules

↓

I'm a cool mom. Right, Regina?

cool regina

↓

- Please stop talking. - OK.

↓

I'm gonna make you girls a "hump day" treat.

girls hump treat

↓

This is your room?

room

↓

It was my parents' room, but I made them trade me.

parents room trade

↓

Hey, put on 98.8.

↓

Cady, do you even know who sings this?

cady sings

↓

- The Spice Girls? - I love her.

girls love spice

↓

She's like a Martian.

↓

- God, my hips are huge! - Oh, please. I hate my calves.

hate hips huge

↓

At least you guys can wear halters. I've got man shoulders.

least shoulders wear

↓

I used to think there was just fat and skinny.

skinny used

↓

Apparently, there's a lot of things that can be wrong on your body.

apparently body

↓

- My hairline is so weird. - My pores are huge.

hairline huge pores weird

↓

My nail beds suck.

beds nail suck

↓

I have really bad breath in the morning.

breath morning

↓

Hey, you guys. Happy hour is from 4 to 6!

happy hour

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Is there alcohol in this?

alcohol

↓

Oh, God, honey, no. What kind of mother do you think I am?

honey mother

↓

Do you want a bit? If you're gonna drink, I'd rather you do it in the house.

drink house

↓

- No, thank you. - OK.

↓

So, you guys, what is the 411?

↓

What has everybody been up to?

everybody

↓

What is the hot gossip? Tell me everything.

gossip

↓

What are you guys listening to? What's the cool jams?

cool jams listening

↓

Mom.

↓

- Could you go fix your hair? - OK.

hair

↓

You girls keep me young. Oh, I love you so much.

girls love young

↓

Oh, my God, I remember this.

remember

↓

- I haven't looked at that in forever. - Come check it out, Cady.

cady check forever looked

↓

It's our Burn Book.

book burn burn-book

↓

See, we cut out girls' pictures from the yearbook,

girls pictures yearbook

↓

and then we wrote comments.

comments wrote

↓

- "Trang Pak is a grotsky little byotch." - Still true.

↓

- "Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin." - Still half true.

dawn half virgin

↓

"Amber D'Alessio." She made out with a hot dog.

amber

↓

"Janis Ian, dyke."

janis

↓

- Who is that? - I think that's that kid Damian.

damian

↓

Yeah. He's almost too gay to function.

function

↓

That's funny. Put that in there.

funny

↓

Oh, no. Maybe that was only OK when Janis said it.

janis

↓

And they have this Burn Book where they write mean things

book burn burn-book write

↓

- about all the girls in our grade. - What does it say about me?

girls grade

↓

- You're not in it. - Those bitches.

bitches

↓

- Will this minimize my pores? - No. Cady,

cady pores

↓

you gotta steal that book.

book steal

↓

- No way! - Oh, come on. We could publish it,

publish

↓

and then everybody would see what an ax-wound she really is.

everybody wound

↓

- I don't steal. - That is for your feet.

feet steal

↓

Cady, there are two kinds of evil people.

cady evil kinds

↓

People who do evil stuff,

evil stuff

↓

and people who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it.

evil stuff

↓

Does that mean I'm morally obligated to burn that lady's outfit?

burn ladys outfit

↓

Oh, my God, that's Ms. Norbury.

norbury

↓

I love seeing teachers outside of school.

love school seeing teachers

↓

It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.

legs seeing walk

↓

Hey, guys, what's up? I didn't know you worked here.

worked

↓

Yeah, moderately priced soaps are my calling.

calling moderately

↓

- You shopping? - No, I'm just here with my boyfriend.

boyfriend shopping

↓

Joking. Sometimes older people make jokes.

jokes joking older sometimes

↓

My nana takes her wig off when she's drunk.

drunk nana takes

↓

Your nana and I have that in common.

common nana

↓

No, actually, I'm just here because I bartend a couple nights a week

couple nights week

↓

down at P. J. Calamity's.

↓

Cady, I hope you do join Mathletes, you know,

cady hope join mathletes

↓

because we start in a couple weeks

couple couple-weeks start weeks

↓

and I would love to have a girl on the team,

girl love team

↓

just, you know, so the team could meet a girl.

girl meet team

↓

- I think I'm gonna do it. - Great.

↓

You can't join Mathletes. It's social suicide.

join mathletes social suicide

↓

Thanks, Damian.

damian thanks

↓

Well, this has been sufficiently awkward.

awkward

↓

And I'll see you guys tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

- Bye. - Bye.

↓

Oh, man, that is bleak.

bleak

↓

So when are you gonna see Regina again?

regina

↓

I can't spy on her anymore. It's weird.

anymore weird

↓

Come on, she's never gonna find out. It'll be like our little secret.

itll secret

↓

- Hello? - I know your secret.

secret

↓

Oh, God, busted.

busted

↓

Just start apologizing and crying. No, play it cool.

apologizing cool crying start

↓

Secret? What are you saying about?

secret

↓

Gretchen told me that you like Aaron Samuels.

aaron aaron-samuels gretchen samuels

↓

I mean, I don't care, do whatever you want.

care

↓

But let me just tell you something about Aaron:

aaron

↓

All he cares about is school and his mom and his friends.

cares friends school

↓

- Is that bad? - But if you like him...

↓

Whatever. I mean, I could talk to him for you if you want.

↓

Really? You would do that? I mean, nothing embarrassing, though, right?

embarrassing

↓

Oh, no, trust me. I know exactly how to play it.

trust

↓

But wait. Aren't you so mad at Gretchen for telling me?

gretchen telling

↓

- No. - Because if you are,

↓

you can tell me. It was a really bitchy thing for her to do.

bitchy

↓

Yeah, it was pretty bitchy, but I'm not mad.

bitchy

↓

I mean, I guess she just likes the attention.

attention likes

↓

See, Gretch? I told you she's not mad at you.

↓

I can't believe you think I like attention!

attention believe

↓

OK, love you. See you tomorrow.

love tomorrow

↓

I had survived my first three-way calling attack.

attack calling survived three

↓

And with Regina's blessing, I started talking to Aaron more and more.

aaron blessing reginas started

↓

On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was.

asked october

↓

It's October 3rd.

october

↓

Two weeks later, we spoke again.

spoke weeks

↓

It's raining.

raining

↓

Yeah.

↓

But I wanted things to move faster.

faster wanted

↓

So I followed my instincts.

followed instincts

↓

Hey, I'm totally lost. Can you help me?

lost

↓

- But I wasn't lost. - Yeah.

lost

↓

I knew exactly what Ms. Norbury was talking about.

norbury

↓

It's a factorial, so you multiply each one by N.

multiply

↓

Wrong.

↓

Is that the summation?

↓

Yeah, they're the same thing.

↓

Wrong. He was so wrong.

↓

Thanks. I... I get it now.

thanks

↓

Lights, please. OK. See you guys tomorrow.

lights tomorrow

↓

We're having a Halloween party at my friend Chris' tonight.

chris friend halloween halloween-party having party tonight

↓

You wanna come?

↓

Yeah, sure.

↓

Great. Here's where it is.

↓

It's a costume party. People get pretty into it.

costume costume-party party

↓

OK.

↓

That flier admits one person only,

flier person

↓

so don't bring some other guy with you.

bring

↓

"Grool."

↓

I meant to say "cool" and then I started to say "great".

cool meant started

↓

Right. Well... grool.

↓

See you tonight.

tonight

↓

Hey, Africa. You staying for the Mathletes meeting?

africa mathletes meeting staying

↓

Yeah, I'll be right back.

↓

OK, I lied. But I had to go home and work on my costume.

costume home lied

↓

In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes

children costumes dress halloween regular world

↓

and beg for candy.

candy

↓

In Girl World, Halloween is the one nigth a year

girl girl-world halloween world

↓

when a girl can dress like a total slut

dress girl slut total

↓

and no other girls can say anything about it.

girls

↓

The hard-core girls just wear lingerie

core girls hard lingerie wear

↓

and some form of animal ears.

animal ears form

↓

Doesn't she look great, honey?

honey

↓

- What are you? - I'm a mouse.

mouse

↓

Unfortunately, no one told me about the slut rule.

rule slut unfortunately

↓

So I showed up like this.

showed

↓

Hey.

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

Hey.

↓

Why are you dressed so scary?

dressed scary

↓

It's Halloween.

halloween

↓

Have you seen Jason?

jason seen

↓

You know who's looking fine tonight?

looking tonight

↓

Seth Mosakowski.

seth

↓

- OK, you did not just say that. - What? He's a good kisser.

kisser

↓

He's your cousin.

cousin

↓

Yeah, but he's my first cousin.

cousin

↓

- Right. - So you have your cousins

cousins

↓

and then you have your first cousins,

cousins

↓

- then you have your second cousins... - No, honey.

cousins honey second

↓

That's not right, is it?

↓

That is so not right.

↓

- Hey! - Hey.

↓

You made it.

↓

And you are... a zombie bride.

bride zombie

↓

An "ex-wife".

wife

↓

Love it. Can I get you something to drink?

drink love

↓

- Yeah. - Be right back.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Karen, stop it.

karen

↓

- Don't, Karen... - Hey, Seth!

karen seth

↓

Hey.

↓

Oh, no.

↓

Didn't anybody tell you?

anybody

↓

You were supposed to wear a costume.

costume supposed wear

↓

Shut up. I need to talk to you.

↓

- You know that girl Cady? - Yeah, she's cool.

cady cool girl

↓

I invited her tonight.

invited tonight

↓

Well, be careful because she has a huge crush on you.

careful crush huge

↓

Really? How do you know?

↓

Because she told me.

↓

She tells everybody. It's kind of cute, actually.

cute everybody tells

↓

She's like a little girl. She, like, writes all over her notebook,

girl notebook writes

↓

"Mrs. Aaron Samuels."

aaron aaron-samuels samuels

↓

And she made this T-shirt that says "I heart Aaron"

aaron heart shirt

↓

and she wears it under all her clothes.

clothes wears

↓

- Oh, come on. - Well, who can blame her?

blame

↓

I mean, you're gorgeous.

gorgeous

↓

And OK, look, I'm not saying she's a stalker,

↓

but she saved this Kleenex you used

kleenex saved used

↓

and she said she's gonna do some kind of African voodoo with it

african voodoo

↓

to make you like her.

↓

What?

↓

This was it.

↓

Regina said she would talk to Aaron for me, and now she was.

aaron regina

↓

I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend,

friend retarded socially weird

↓

so just promise me you won't make fun of her.

fun promise

↓

Of course I'm not gonna make fun of her.

course fun

↓

How could Janis hate Regina?

hate janis regina

↓

Ste was such a good...

↓

Slut!

slut

↓

What are you doing? You broke up with me.

broke

↓

That's crazy. Why would I break up with you?

break crazy

↓

You're so hot.

↓

That's a scary mask, bro.

mask scary

↓

I had never felt this feeling before.

feeling

↓

I could tear my heartbeat in my ears.

ears heartbeat tear

↓

My stomach felt like it was going to fall out my butt.

butt fall stomach

↓

I had this lump in my throat like after you dry-swallow a big pill.

lump pill swallow throat

↓

I hated Regina. I hated her!

hated regina

↓

She took him back.

↓

Regina took Aaron back.

aaron regina

↓

- Oh, no, Cady. - Why would she do that?

cady

↓

Because she's a life-ruiner.

life

↓

She ruins people's lives.

lives peoples peoples-lives ruins

↓

When we were 13, she made people sign this petition

sign

↓

- saying that Janis was... - Damian! Please!

damian janis

↓

Look, she's not gonna get away with this again, OK?

↓

- We're gonna do something. - We are?

↓

Regina George is an evil dictator.

dictator evil george regina regina-george

↓

Now, how do you overthrow a dictator?

dictator

↓

You cut off her resources.

resources

↓

Regina would be nothing without her high-status man candy...

candy regina status

↓

...technically good physique...

physique technically

↓

...and ignorant band of loyal followers.

band followers ignorant loyal

↓

Now, Cady, if we want this to work,

cady

↓

you are gonna have to keep hanging out with them like nothing is wrong.

hanging

↓

Can you do it?

↓

I can do it.

↓

OK, let's rock this bitch.

bitch rock

↓

Pretending like nothing was wrong turned out to be surprisingly easy.

easy pretending surprisingly turned

↓

Regina wanted me to tell you that she was trying to hook you up with Aaron,

aaron hook regina wanted

↓

but he was just interested in getting her back.

interested

↓

And that's not Regina's fault.

fault reginas

↓

- No, I know. - OK, so you're not mad at Regina?

regina

↓

- God, no. - Oh, OK, good.

↓

Because Regina wanted me to give you this.

regina wanted

↓

It's called the South Beach Fat Flush,

beach called flush south

↓

and all you drink is cranberry juice for 72 hours.

cranberry cranberry-juice drink hours juice

↓

This isn't even cranberry juice.

cranberry cranberry-juice juice

↓

It's cranberry juice cocktail. It's all sugar.

cocktail cranberry cranberry-juice juice sugar

↓

- I wanna lose 3 pounds. - You're crazy.

crazy lose pounds

↓

Why do you wear your hair like that? You hair looks so sexy pushed back.

hair pushed sexy wear

↓

Cady, will you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back.

cady hair pushed sexy

↓

Regina was dangling Aaron in front of me on purpose.

aaron front purpose regina

↓

I knew how this would be settled in the animal world.

animal settled world

↓

But this was Girl World.

girl girl-world world

↓

Your hair looks sexy pushed back.

hair pushed sexy

↓

And in Girl World, all the figthing had to be sneaky.

girl girl-world sneaky world

↓

All this cranberry juice is making me break out.

break cranberry cranberry-juice juice

↓

Wait. I have this really good skin stuff I'll bring you.

bring skin stuff

↓

OK.

↓

We kept our eyes open for opportunities for sabotage.

eyes eyes-open open opportunities sabotage

↓

Regina.

regina

↓

- Here you go. - Thank you.

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

Your face smells like peppermint.

face peppermint smells

↓

This is ass, you guys.

↓

It's been a month, and all we've done is make Regina's face smell like a foot.

face foot month reginas smell

↓

I've been really busy with choir.

busy choir

↓

We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners.

crack gretchen gretchen-wieners wieners

↓

We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock

crack gretchen lock

↓

on Regina's whole dirty history.

dirty history reginas whole

↓

- Say "crack" again. - Crack.

crack

↓

- All right, let's reconvene tonight. - I can't.

tonight

↓

I have to go to Regina's to practise for the talent show.

practise reginas talent

↓

- We're doing a dance to this song... - "Jingle Bell Rock."

bell bell-rock dance jingle jingle-bell jingle-bell-rock rock song

↓

You guys know that song?

song

↓

Everybody in the English-speaking world knows that song.

english everybody knows song speaking world

↓

They do it every year.

↓

Well, I have to learn it.

learn

↓

Go.

↓

- Hey. - Why were you talking to Janis Ian?

janis

↓

I don't know, I mean, she's so weird.

weird

↓

She just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack.

crack started

↓

She's so pathetic.

pathetic

↓

Let me tell you something about Janis Ian.

janis

↓

We were best friends in middle school.

best best-friends friends middle middle-school school

↓

I know, right?

↓

It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever.

embarrassing

↓

So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend,

boyfriend eighth eighth-grade grade started

↓

Kyle, who was totally gorgeous, but then he moved to Indiana.

gorgeous indiana kyle moved

↓

And Janis was, like, weirdly jealous of him.

janis jealous

↓

Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle,

blow hang kyle

↓

she'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?"

shed

↓

And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?"

obsessed

↓

So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party,

birthday birthday-party girls party pool pool-party

↓

I was like, "Janis, I can't invite you, because I think you're a lesbian."

invite janis lesbian

↓

I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party.

lesbian party

↓

There are gonna be girls there in their bathing suits.

bathing girls suits

↓

I mean, right? She was a lesbian.

lesbian

↓

So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her.

called started yelling

↓

It was so retarded.

retarded

↓

And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her.

dropped school

↓

When she came back in the fall for high school,

fall school

↓

all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird,

hair weird

↓

and now I guess she's on crack.

crack

↓

Oh, my God! I love your skirt.

love skirt

↓

Where did you get it?

↓

It was my mom's in the '80s.

moms

↓

Vintage. So adorable.

adorable vintage

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

That is the ugliest F-ing skirt I've ever seen.

seen skirt ugliest

↓

Oh, my God, I love your bracelet. Where did you get it?

bracelet love

↓

So are you gonna send any candy canes?

candy send

↓

No. I don't send them, I just get them.

send

↓

So you better send me one, byotch.

send

↓

Love you.

love

↓

I was definitely sending her one.

sending

↓

I was gonna use three candy canes to crack Gretchen Wieners.

candy crack gretchen gretchen-wieners three wieners

↓

Three, please.

three

↓

"Why, Man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a colossus"

doth narrow world

↓

might translate into

might

↓

"Why is he so huge and obnoxious?"

huge obnoxious

↓

- Candy cane-grams! - OK, hurry up.

candy candy-cane cane grams hurry

↓

Taylor Zimmerman? Two for you.

taylor

↓

Glenn Cocco?

glenn

↓

Four for you, Glenn Cocco. You go, Glenn Cocco.

four glenn

↓

And Cady Heron.

cady cady-heron heron

↓

Do we have a Cady Heron here?

cady cady-heron heron

↓

- It's Cady. - Oh, Cady, here you go.

cady

↓

One for you. And none for Gretchen Wieners. Bye.

gretchen gretchen-wieners wieners

↓

Who's that from?

↓

"Thanks for being such a great friend. Love, Regina."

friend love regina thanks

↓

That's so sweet.

sweet

↓

OK, back to Caesar.

caesar

↓

Once Gretchen thought Regina was mad at her,

gretchen regina

↓

the secrets started pouring out.

pouring secrets started

↓

All I had to do was wait for one we could use.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Welcome to the North Shore High School winter talent show.

north north-shore school shore talent welcome winter

↓

Let me hear you make some noise.

noise

↓

All right, settle down.

settle

↓

Our first act calls himself a star on the rise.

calls rise star

↓

Let's hear it for Damian.

damian

↓

Don't look at me.

↓

Every day is so wonderful

↓

I mean, why would Regina send you guys candy canes and not me?

candy regina send

↓

Maybe she forgot about you.

forgot

↓

Yeah, Regina has been acting kind of weird lately.

acting lately regina weird

↓

I mean, is something bothering her?

bothering

↓

Well, I mean, her parents totally don't sleep in the same bed anymore,

anymore parents sleep

↓

if that's what you mean.

↓

Oh, my God. Don't tell her I told you that.

↓

I am beautiful in every single way

single

↓

Yes, words can't bring me down

bring words

↓

Yes, words can't bring me down

bring words

↓

Don't you bring me down today

bring today

↓

I mean, no offense,

offense

↓

but why would she send you a candy cane?

candy candy-cane cane send

↓

She doesn't even like you that much.

↓

Maybe she feels weird around me

feels weird

↓

because I'm the only person that knows about her nose job.

knows nose person

↓

Oh, my God. Pretend you didn't hear that.

pretend

↓

Yo, yo, yo

↓

All you sucker MCs Ain't got nothing on me

aint sucker

↓

From my grades to my lines You can't touch Kevin G

grades kevin lines touch

↓

I'm a Mathlete So nerd is inferred

nerd

↓

But forget what you heard I'm like James Bond the Third

bond forget heard james james-bond third

↓

Shaken not stirred I'm Kevin Gnapoor

kevin

↓

The G is silent when I sneak in your door

door silent sneak

↓

And make love to your woman On the bathroom floor

bathroom floor love woman

↓

I don't play it like Staggy You'll know it was me

↓

Because the next time you see her She'll be like

shell

↓

- Kevin G! - Thank you, Kevin, that's enough.

kevin

↓

Happy holidays, everybody.

everybody happy happy-holidays holidays

↓

K.G. And the Power of Three.

power three

↓

That was something.

↓

Does it bother you that they still use your original choreography?

bother choreography original

↓

Shut up.

↓

Damn.

↓

- What? - I'd rather see you out there

↓

shaking that thing.

shaking

↓

Gretchen, switch sides with Cady.

cady gretchen sides switch

↓

But I'm always on your left.

left

↓

That was when there were three of us, and now the tallest go in the middle.

middle tallest three

↓

But the whole dance will be backwards.

backwards dance whole

↓

I'm always on your left.

left

↓

And right now you're getting on my last nerve. Switch.

nerve switch

↓

And finally, please welcome to the stage

finally stage welcome

↓

Santa's Helpers doing "Jingle Bell Rock".

bell bell-rock jingle jingle-bell jingle-bell-rock rock santas

↓

Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock

bell bell-jingle bell-jingle-bell bell-rock jingle jingle-bell jingle-bell-jingle jingle-bell-rock rock

↓

Jingle bells swing And jingle bells ring

bells jingle jingle-bells ring swing

↓

Snowing and blowing Up bustels of fun

blowing fun

↓

Now the jingle top has begun

begun jingle

↓

Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock

bell bell-jingle bell-jingle-bell bell-rock jingle jingle-bell jingle-bell-jingle jingle-bell-rock rock

↓

Jingle bells chime In jingle bell time

bell bells chime jingle jingle-bell jingle-bells

↓

Dancing and prancing In Jingle Bell Square

bell dancing jingle jingle-bell square

↓

In the fr...

↓

Jason?

jason

↓

What a brigth time It's the rigth time

↓

To rock the nigth away

rock

↓

Jingle bell time Is a swell time

bell jingle jingle-bell swell

↓

To go riding in a one-torse sleigh

riding sleigh

↓

Giddyap jingle torse Pick up your feet

feet giddyap jingle pick

↓

Jingle around the clock

clock jingle

↓

Mix and mingle in a jingling beat

beat mingle

↓

That's the jingle bell

bell jingle jingle-bell

↓

That's the jingle bell

bell jingle jingle-bell

↓

That's the jingle bell rock

bell bell-rock jingle jingle-bell jingle-bell-rock rock

↓

That was the best it ever went!

best

↓

- That was awesome. - Lip gloss.

awesome gloss

↓

- Hey, good job, Africa. - Thanks.

africa thanks

↓

Cady's blushing. Oh, my God.

↓

- You totally have a crush on that guy. - No, I don't.

crush

↓

That's why you wanted to join the Mathletes.

join mathletes wanted

↓

Mathletes? You hate math.

hate math mathletes

↓

Look how red she is.

↓

You love him. And he totally complimented you.

love

↓

That is so fetch.

fetch

↓

Gretchen, stop trying to make "fetch" happen.

fetch gretchen happen

↓

It's not going to happen.

happen

↓

Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant

caesar giant stomp

↓

while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet?

feet rest

↓

What's so great about Caesar?

caesar

↓

Brutus is just as cute as Caesar.

caesar cute

↓

OK, Brutus is just as smart as Caesar.

caesar smart

↓

People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar.

caesar

↓

And when did it become OK for one person

become person

↓

to be the boss of everybody?

boss everybody

↓

Because that's not what Rome is about!

rome

↓

We should totally just stab Caesar!"

caesar stab

↓

Gretchen Wieners had cracked.

cracked gretchen gretchen-wieners wieners

↓

OK, if you even knew how mean she really is.

↓

You know that I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right?

allowed earrings hoop wear

↓

Yeah. Two years ago, she told me that hoop earrings were her thing

earrings hoop years

↓

and that I wasn't allowed to wear them anymore.

allowed anymore wear

↓

And then for my Hanukkah, my parents got me this pair

hanukkah pair parents

↓

of really expensive white-gold hoops.

expensive gold hoops white

↓

And I had to pretend like I didn't even like them,

pretend

↓

and it was so sad.

↓

And you know she cheats on Aaron?

aaron cheats

↓

Yes. Every Thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep.

prep thinks thursday

↓

But really, she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room

hooking room shane

↓

above the auditorium,

↓

and I never told anybody that, because...

anybody

↓

...l'm such a good friend.

friend

↓

Jackpot. Gretchen's secret had put the plan back in motion.

jackpot motion plan secret

↓

After Christmas break, we tried every Thursday

break christmas thursday tried

↓

to help Aaron catch Regina in the act.

aaron catch regina

↓

Hey.

↓

Hey, what's up?

↓

My purse!

purse

↓

Looks like he's headed for the projection room

headed room

↓

above the auditorium!

↓

Coach Carr?

carr coach coach-carr

↓

Trang Pak?

↓

Guys, why did we think we could do this? We're amateurs.

amateurs

↓

Guys, why did we think we could do this? We're amateurs.

amateurs

↓

No, we just have to regroup. Think outside our box.

regroup

↓

They're these weird Swedish nutrition bars.

bars nutrition swedish weird

↓

My mom used to give them to the kids in Africa to help them gain weight.

africa gain kids used weight

↓

They're these weird nutrition bars my mom uses to lose weight.

bars lose lose-weight nutrition uses weight weird

↓

Give me it.

↓

It's all in, like, Swedish or something.

swedish

↓

Yeah, you know, there's some weird ingredient in them

weird

↓

that's not legal in the U.S. yet.

legal

↓

- Ephedrine? - No.

↓

- Phentermine. - No.

↓

It burns carbs. It just burns up all your carbs.

burns carbs

↓

I really wanna lose 3 pounds.

lose pounds

↓

Oh, my God, what are you talking about?

↓

You're so skinny.

skinny

↓

Shut up.

↓

The weird thing about hanging out with Regina

hanging regina weird

↓

was that I could hate her, and at the same time,

hate

↓

I still wanted her to like me.

wanted

↓

OK. You have really good eyebrows.

eyebrows

↓

- Thanks. - Move.

thanks

↓

Same with Gretchen. The meaner Regina was to her,

gretchen meaner regina

↓

the more Gretchen tried to win Regina back.

gretchen regina tried

↓

Ste knew it was better to be in The Plastics, hating life

hating life plastics

↓

than to not be in at all.

↓

Because being with The Plastics was like being famous.

famous plastics

↓

People looked at you all the time,

looked

↓

and everybody just knew stuff about you.

everybody stuff

↓

That new girl moved here from Africa.

africa girl moved

↓

I saw Cady Heron wearing Army pants and flip-flops,

army cady cady-heron flip flip-flops flops heron pants wearing

↓

so I bought Army pants and flip-flops.

army bought flip flip-flops flops pants

↓

That Cady girl is hot.

cady girl

↓

She might even be hotter than Regina George.

george hotter might regina regina-george

↓

I hear Regina George is dating Aaron Samuels again.

aaron aaron-samuels dating george regina regina-george samuels

↓

The two were seen canoodling at Chris Eisel's Halloween party.

chris halloween halloween-party party seen

↓

They've been inseparable ever since.

inseparable

↓

I was a woman possessed.

possessed woman

↓

I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina.

percent regina spent

↓

And the other 20 percent of the time,

percent

↓

I was praying for someone else to bring her up

bring praying

↓

so I could talk about her more.

↓

She's not even that good-looking if you really look at her.

looking

↓

I don't know. Now that's she's getting fatter,

fatter

↓

she's got pretty big jugs.

jugs

↓

I could hear people getting bored with me.

bored

↓

But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit.

coming vomit word

↓

I have this theory that if you cut all her hair off, she'd look like a British man.

british hair shed theory

↓

Yeah, I know. You told me that one before.

↓

Hey, I'm having an art show.

having

↓

So why don't you take a night off from your double life.

double life night

↓

- I want you to see it. - Coolness.

coolness

↓

What is that smell?

smell

↓

Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

perfume regina

↓

You smell like a baby prostitute.

baby prostitute smell

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Meanwhile, I was finding any excuse I could to talk to Aaron.

aaron excuse finding meanwhile

↓

I don't get this. Do you get any of this?

↓

Nice job, Cady.

cady

↓

Kind of seems like you get it.

seems

↓

If I was gonna keep this going, I was gonna have to really commit.

commit

↓

Not your best.

best

↓

Damn, Africa, what happened?

africa happened

↓

- How'd you do? - Not so good.

howd

↓

You know, I think I need a tutor.

tutor

↓

I'll tutor you, if you ever wanna get together after school or something.

school tutor

↓

Do you think Regina would mind?

mind regina

↓

No. You guys are friends.

friends

↓

Well, maybe we just won't tell her.

↓

So, what did you get for this one?

↓

Well, the first time I did it, I got a zero.

zero

↓

- Wrong. - But then when I checked it, I got...

checked

↓

...one. - There you go.

↓

I got one too.

↓

Yeah, you have to check it because sometimes the product

check product sometimes

↓

of two negative integers is a positive number.

negative number positive

↓

Yeah, like negative four and negative six.

four negative

↓

That's right. That's good.

↓

Well, you're a good tutor.

tutor

↓

Man, look, I... I can't do this.

↓

- It's not fair to Regina. - Why do you like her?

fair regina

↓

Look, I know she can be really mean sometimes, but...

sometimes

↓

- Then why do you like her? - Why do you?

↓

Look, there's good and bad to everybody. Right?

everybody

↓

Regina's just...

reginas

↓

- She's just more up-front about it. - Oh, no. It was coming up.

coming front

↓

The word vomit. I didn't mean to say it, but...

vomit word

↓

She's cheating on you!

cheating

↓

What?

↓

Did he say why?

↓

Somebody told him about Shane Oman.

shane somebody

↓

Who?

↓

He said some guy on the baseball team.

baseball team

↓

Baseball team?

baseball team

↓

I gave him everything. I was half a virgin when I met him.

half virgin

↓

You wanna do something fun?

fun

↓

You wanna go to Taco Bell?

bell taco taco-bell

↓

I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet.

bell carb diet taco taco-bell

↓

God, Karen, you are so stupid!

karen stupid

↓

Regina, wait. Talk to me.

regina

↓

- Nobody understands me. - I understand you.

nobody understands

↓

You're not stupid, Karen.

karen stupid

↓

No. I am, actually.

↓

I'm failing almost everything.

failing

↓

Well, there must be something you're good at.

must

↓

I can put my whole fist in my mouth.

fist mouth whole

↓

Wanna see?

↓

No. That's OK.

↓

Anything else?

↓

I'm kind of psychic.

psychic

↓

I have a fifth sense.

fifth sense

↓

- What do you mean? - It's like I have ESPN or something.

espn

↓

My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain.

breasts rain

↓

Really? That's amazing.

amazing

↓

Well, they can tell when it's raining.

raining

↓

I have to admit, I was mildly horrified

admit horrified mildly

↓

when Aaron didn't immediately ask me to be his girlfriend.

aaron girlfriend immediately

↓

I mean, I know he was sad, but how much time did he need?

↓

Regina had moved on.

moved regina

↓

Do you guys need anything? Some snacks?

snacks

↓

A condom?

condom

↓

Let me know. Oh, God love you.

love

↓

But overall, the plan was going pretty well.

overall plan

↓

Aaron had dumped Regina, and she was unknowingly

aaron dumped regina

↓

eating 5,000 calories a day.

calories eating

↓

It was time to turn our attention to the army of skanks.

army attention

↓

And finally, the nominees for Spring Fling Queen are as follows:

finally fling fling-queen follows nominees queen spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen

↓

And finally, the nominees for Spring Fling Queen are as follows:

finally fling fling-queen follows nominees queen spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen

↓

Regina George.

george regina regina-george

↓

Gretchen Wieners.

gretchen gretchen-wieners wieners

↓

Janis Ian.

janis

↓

What is happening to the world?

world

↓

And the final nominee...

final

↓

I couldn't help myself. It was so easy.

easy

↓

... is Cady Heron.

cady cady-heron heron

↓

Damian, you put me in there too? That's not part of the plan.

damian part plan

↓

I didn't put you in there.

↓

You mean I'm really nominated?

nominated

↓

In January, Regina had put a Spring Fling dress on hold

dress fling january regina spring spring-fling

↓

at a store called 1-3-5.

called store

↓

But being Plastic, she needed our advice

advice needed plastic

↓

before she could actually buy it.

↓

Can someone zip me up?

↓

- It won't close. - It's a 5.

close

↓

OK, it must be marked wrong.

marked must

↓

No, no, this is just how they work.

↓

This is all your water weight.

water weight

↓

First you bloat, and then you drop 10 pounds like that:

drop pounds

↓

and now your body's just running on water.

bodys running water

↓

But once the water's gone, then you'll be all muscle.

gone muscle waters

↓

It explains it all on the label.

explains label

↓

You know Swedish?

swedish

↓

Yeah, everyone in Africa can read Swedish.

africa read swedish

↓

Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?

maam size

↓

Sorry. We only carry sizes 1, 3 and 5.

carry sizes

↓

You could try Sears.

sears

↓

Cady.

cady

↓

I need your parents to sign this so they know that you're failing.

failing parents sign

↓

Failing?

failing

↓

You know what's weird about your quizzes, Cady,

cady weird

↓

is that all the work is right and just the answers are wrong.

answers

↓

- Really? - Really.

↓

Cady, I know that having a boyfriend

boyfriend cady having

↓

may seem like the most important thing in the world right now,

world

↓

but you don't have to dumb yourself down to get guys to like you.

dumb

↓

- How would you know? - I know,

↓

"How would I know", right?

↓

I'm divorced. I'm broke from getting divorced.

broke divorced

↓

The only guy that ever calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa.

calls chase house randy

↓

And you know why?

↓

Because I'm a pusher. I push people.

push

↓

I pushed my husband into law school. That was a bust.

bust husband pushed school

↓

I pushed myself into working three jobs.

jobs pushed three working

↓

And now I'm gonna push you

push

↓

because I know you're smarter than this.

smarter

↓

Thanks, Ms. Norbury. And if there's anything I can do

norbury thanks

↓

for extra credit, please let me know.

credit extra extra-credit

↓

Oh, I will.

↓

I hate her! I mean, she's totally failing me on purpose

failing hate purpose

↓

because I didn't join those stupid Mathletes!

join mathletes stupid

↓

She was so queer.

queer

↓

She was like, "I'm a pusher, Cady. I'm a pusher."

cady

↓

What does that even mean?

↓

- Like a drug pusher? - Probably.

drug

↓

She said she works three jobs.

jobs three works

↓

You know, I bet she sells drugs on the side

drugs sells side

↓

to pay for her pathetic divorce.

divorce pathetic

↓

You let it out, honey.

honey

↓

Put it in the book.

book

↓

I know it may look like I'd become a bitch,

become bitch

↓

but that's only because I was acting like a bitch.

acting bitch

↓

Hey, I called you last night. How come you didn't call me back?

called night

↓

Oh, I got busy. Sorry.

busy

↓

So you need a ride to my art show this weekend?

ride weekend

↓

No. I have to go to Madison with my parents.

madison parents

↓

I'm so sorry.

↓

Well, you wanna watch a movie tonight?

movie tonight watch

↓

Can't. I'm doing major Plastic sabotage tonight.

major plastic sabotage tonight

↓

But we don't have anything planned for tonight.

planned tonight

↓

Oh, I planned this one on my own.

planned

↓

Love you. Bye.

love

↓

Gretchen thinks you're mad at her

gretchen thinks

↓

because she's running for Spring Fling Queen.

fling fling-queen queen running spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen

↓

Oh, my God, I'm not mad at her. I'm worried about her.

worried

↓

I think somebody nominated her as a joke or something.

joke nominated somebody

↓

And when nobody votes for her, she's gonna have a total meltdown.

meltdown nobody total votes

↓

And who's gonna have to take care of her? Me.

care

↓

So you don't think anyone will vote for her?

vote

↓

Cady, she's not pretty.

cady

↓

I mean, that sounds bad, but whatever.

sounds

↓

The Spring Fling Queen is always pretty.

fling fling-queen queen spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen

↓

And the crazy thing is is that it should be Karen,

crazy karen

↓

but people forget about her because she's such a slut.

forget slut

↓

Anyway, I gotta go. I'm going to bed.

↓

Well, she's not mad at you.

↓

- Hold on. - Are you OK?

↓

- Hello? - If someone said something bad

↓

about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?

↓

- No. - What if it was someone

↓

you thought was your friend?

friend

↓

What are you...? Hold on. Other line.

line

↓

- I'm not taking this anymore. - Good for you, Gretch.

anymore

↓

- Hello? - Let's go out.

↓

OK. Hold on. I'm on the other line with Gretchen.

gretchen line

↓

Don't invite Gretchen. She's driving me nuts.

driving gretchen invite nuts

↓

- Hold on. - OK, hurry up.

hurry

↓

It's Regina.

regina

↓

She wants to hang out with me tonight, but she told me not to tell you.

hang tonight wants

↓

Do not hang out with her.

hang

↓

- Why? - You don't want me to tell you.

↓

You can tell me. Hold on.

↓

Oh, my God, she's so annoying.

annoying

↓

Who is?

↓

- Who's this? - Gretchen.

gretchen

↓

Right. Hold on.

↓

- Oh, my God, she's so annoying. - I know. Just get rid of her.

annoying

↓

OK. What is it?

↓

Regina says everyone hates you because you're such a slut.

hates regina slut

↓

She said that?

↓

You didn't hear it from me.

↓

- Little harsh, Gretch. - Whatever. She has a right to know.

harsh

↓

I can't go out.

↓

I'm sick.

sick

↓

Boo. You whore.

whore

↓

Regina,

regina

↓

we have to talk to you.

↓

Is butter a carb?

butter carb

↓

Yes.

↓

Regina, you're wearing sweatpants.

regina sweatpants wearing

↓

It's Monday.

monday

↓

- So? - So that's against the rules

rules

↓

and you can't sit with us.

↓

Whatever. Those rules aren't real.

real rules

↓

They were real that day I wore a vest.

real vest wore

↓

- Because that vest was disgusting. - You can't sit with us!

disgusting vest

↓

These sweatpants are all that fits me right now.

fits sweatpants

↓

Fine.

↓

You can walk home, bitches.

bitches home walk walk-home

↓

Watch where you're going, fat-ass!

watch

↓

Gretchen and Karen followed me around all afternoon.

afternoon followed gretchen karen

↓

- So, what are we doing this weekend? - Yeah, what are we doing?

weekend

↓

Oh, I have to go to Madison with my parents.

madison parents

↓

What...?

↓

We have tickets for this thing.

tickets

↓

- What? - What?

↓

Was I the new queen bee?

queen

↓

I can try and get out of it.

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

↓

Because I told my friend Janis I'd go to her art show.

friend janis

↓

We've had these tickets for months.

months tickets

↓

You love Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

black love

↓

But she's my friend, and I made her a promise.

friend promise

↓

I think Cady's old enough to spend one night on her own.

night spend

↓

I had learned how to control everyone around me.

control learned

↓

Hey. I'm having a small get-together at my house tomorrow night.

having house night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

- Is Regina going? - No. Do you think I'm an idiot?

idiot regina

↓

No, it's just gonna be a few cool people,

cool

↓

and you better be one of them, byotch.

↓

- Fine, I'll go. - Shut up.

↓

I love that shirt on you.

love shirt

↓

Aaron Samuels was going to be in my touse at my party.

aaron aaron-samuels party samuels

↓

Everything had to be perfect.

perfect

↓

And this time when Aaron saw me,

aaron

↓

I wouldn't be caught in some ridiculous costume.

caught costume ridiculous

↓

Hey, guys.

↓

- You look awesome! - You look awesome!

awesome

↓

I know, right?

↓

OK, so I got enough cheese and crackers for eight people.

cheese crackers eight

↓

Do you think that's enough?

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

↓

OK.

↓

It was not enough.

↓

Somehow, the word had gotten out about my small get-together.

gotten word

↓

Jason is here with Taylor Wedell.

jason taylor

↓

He's just using her to make you mad.

using

↓

- Have you guys seen Aaron yet? - No.

aaron seen

↓

Dude, put on "The Ramayana Monkey Chant".

monkey

↓

- Do I know you? - Deek! What up, dog?

↓

She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me?

invite party thinks

↓

- Who does she think she is? - You're right, hon.

↓

I, like, invented her, you know what I mean?

invented

↓

Jason.

jason

↓

I have to talk to you.

↓

Whatever.

↓

- I love you. - I know, I know.

love

↓

Hey! Put that down!

↓

Was Aaron blowing me off?

aaron blowing

↓

What's up? Gretchen came to talk to me.

gretchen

↓

- Oh, no. - Look,

↓

I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but I only date women of color.

color date feelings hurt women

↓

I have to pee.

↓

Get out.

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

I've been looking for you everywhere.

looking

↓

Me too.

↓

You look...

↓

- New clothes? - Thanks.

clothes thanks

↓

You wanna go downstairs?

downstairs

↓

No, no. Let's stay here.

↓

Thanks for getting me to come out tonight.

thanks tonight

↓

Yeah, sure, no problem.

problem

↓

I wasted too much time being pissed off at Regina.

pissed regina wasted

↓

No more liars.

liars

↓

I would never lie to you.

↓

I know, I know.

↓

Although...

↓

OK, listen. I mean, I did lie to you once,

↓

but you're totally gonna laugh when I tell you, so...

laugh

↓

Tell me what?

↓

I pretended to be bad at math so that you'd help me.

math pretended

↓

But the thing is, I'm not really bad at math.

math

↓

I'm actually really good at math. You're kind of bad at math.

math

↓

Anyways, now I'm failing. Isn't that funny?

anyways failing funny

↓

Wait. You're failing on purpose? That's stupid.

failing purpose stupid

↓

No. Not on purpose. Just, you know...

purpose

↓

I just wanted a reason to talk to you.

reason wanted

↓

So why didn't you just talk to me?

↓

Well, because I couldn't. Because of Regina.

regina

↓

Because you were her property...

property

↓

- Her property? - No. Shut up. Not her property...

property

↓

No, don't tell me to shut up.

↓

- I wasn't... - God, you know what?

↓

You are just like a clone of Regina.

clone regina

↓

Oh, no, no, listen to me. You're not listening to me...

listening

↓

Oh, no. It was coming up again. Word vomit. No, wait a minute...

coming minute vomit word

↓

- What is this?! - Actual vomit.

actual vomit

↓

Aaron!

aaron

↓

Aaron, wait! Just...

aaron

↓

OK. Call me.

↓

- Oh, God. - You dirty little liar.

dirty liar

↓

I'm sorry. I can explain.

explain

↓

Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?

explain forgot invite party

↓

Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.

cannot curfew janis

↓

You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be Plastic.

invite plastic pretend

↓

Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore.

anymore buddy pretending

↓

You're Plastic. Cold, shiny, hard Plastic.

cold hard plastic shiny

↓

Curfew, 1 a.m. It is now 1:10.

curfew

↓

Did you have an awesome time?

awesome

↓

Did you drink awesome shooters and listen to awesome music,

awesome drink music

↓

and then just sit around and soak up each other's awesomeness?

others soak

↓

You're the one who made me like this

↓

so you could use me for your eighth-grade revenge.

eighth eighth-grade grade revenge

↓

God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean.

george least regina regina-george

↓

You try to act like you're so innocent. Like, "Oh, I used to live in Africa

africa innocent live used

↓

with all the little birdies and the little monkeys."

monkeys

↓

You know what? It's not my fault you're in love with me or something!

fault love

↓

- What?! - Oh, no she did not!

↓

See? That is the thing with you Plastics.

plastics

↓

You think that everybody is in love with you,

everybody love

↓

when actually, everybody hates you.

everybody everybody-hates hates

↓

Like Aaron Samuels, for example.

aaron aaron-samuels example samuels

↓

He broke up with Regina and guess what.

broke regina

↓

He still doesn't want you.

↓

So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why.

cady messing regina

↓

Because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch!

bitch girl

↓

Here. You can have this. It won a prize.

prize

↓

And I want my pink shirt back!

pink shirt

↓

I want my pink shirt back!

pink shirt

↓

Hon, slow down.

slow

↓

It's like I can't trust anyone anymore.

anymore trust

↓

- I'm starving. - Man, I hate those things.

hate starving

↓

Coach Carr makes us eat those when we wanna move up a weight class.

carr class coach coach-carr makes weight

↓

What?

↓

They make you gain weight like crazy.

crazy gain weight

↓

Mother...

mother

↓

This girl is the nastiest skank bitch

bitch girl skank

↓

I've ever met.

↓

Do not trust her. She is a fugly slut!

slut trust

↓

I found it in the girls' bathroom. It's so mean, Mr. Duvall.

bathroom duvall found girls

↓

Is this true?

↓

Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr?

carr coach coach-carr

↓

Good Lord.

lord

↓

What's that say? "Kaitlyn Caussin is a..."?

↓

Fat whore.

whore

↓

OK, calm down, Miss George.

calm george miss

↓

Why would someone write that? That's just so mean.

write

↓

Don't worry, we're gonna find out who did it.

worry

↓

There's only three girls in the whole school who aren't in it.

girls school three three-girls whole whole-school

↓

At your age, you're gonna be having a lot of urges.

having urges

↓

You're gonna want to take off your clothes and touch each other.

clothes touch

↓

But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamydia. And die.

touch

↓

Coach Carr.

carr coach coach-carr

↓

Cady Heron, they wanna see you in the principal's office.

cady cady-heron heron office principals principals-office

↓

All right, chlamydia. K-L-A...

↓

In here, Miss Heron.

heron miss

↓

- What's going on? - Have a seat, Miss Heron.

heron miss seat

↓

- Have you ever seen this before? - No.

seen

↓

I mean, yes, I've seen it before, but it's not mine.

seen

↓

You better get your story straight, Miss Heron,

heron miss story straight

↓

because I'm not messing around here.

messing

↓

It's not ours, it's Regina's.

reginas

↓

Yeah, she's trying to make it look like we wrote it, but really, she wrote it.

wrote

↓

Miss Wieners, why would Regina refer to herself as a "fugly slut"?

miss refer regina slut wieners

↓

Miss Smith, this is no time to be laughing.

laughing miss smith

↓

We're gonna get to the bottom of this right now.

bottom

↓

Maybe we're not in that book, because everybody likes us.

book everybody everybody-likes likes

↓

And I don't wanna be punished for being well-liked.

liked punished

↓

And I don't think my father, the inventor of Toaster Strudel,

father toaster

↓

would be too pleased to hear about this.

pleased

↓

"Made out with a hot dog"?

↓

Oh, my God, that was one time!

↓

"Dawn Schweitzer has a huge ass"? Who would write that?

dawn huge write

↓

Who wouldn't write that?

write

↓

"Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr"?

carr coach coach-carr

↓

And so did Sun Jin Dinh.

↓

Hey! Hey! Settle down! All right, hey.

settle

↓

No. You do not push and sh...

push

↓

Do you have anything else you wanna say?

↓

No, I can't answer any more questions

answer questions

↓

until I have a parent or lawyer present.

lawyer parent present

↓

Miss Smith?

miss smith

↓

Whoever wrote it probably didn't think anyone would ever see it?

wrote

↓

I hope that nobody else ever does see it.

hope nobody

↓

Mom, can you pick me up? I'm scared.

pick scared

↓

- "Janis Ian, dyke"? - That's original.

janis original

↓

- "Too gay to function"?! - Hey!

function

↓

That's only OK when I say it.

↓

- Did you write this? - No, I swear!

swear write

↓

- Then you told somebody! - She told!

somebody

↓

- You little bitch! - You're a bitch!

bitch

↓

Yeah! Take your top off!

↓

- Now, here's what we're gonna do... - Ron, come quick!

quick

↓

They've gone wild. The girls have gone wild.

girls gone wild

↓

It was full-tilt jungle madness.

full jungle madness tilt

↓

And it wasn't going away.

↓

Hey, I pulled these two off each other.

pulled

↓

Coach Carr, step away from the underage girls.

carr coach coach-carr girls step underage

↓

Let me help you down there.

↓

Hell, no! I did not leave the Southside for this!

↓

Oh, crap! My hair!

hair

↓

All junior girls report to the gymnasium immediately! Immediately!

girls gymnasium immediately junior report

↓

Have you ever walked up to people

walked

↓

and realized they were just talking about you?

realized

↓

Have you ever had it happen 60 times in a row?

happen times

↓

I have.

↓

Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior.

behavior educator seen years

↓

And from young ladies.

ladies young young-ladies

↓

I got parents calling me on the phone asking, "Did someone get shot?"

asking calling parents phone shot

↓

I ought to cancel your Spring Fling.

cancel fling ought spring spring-fling

↓

No!

↓

- No. - What are we supposed to do?

supposed

↓

Now, I'm not gonna do that, because we've already paid the DJ.

paid

↓

But don't think that I'm not taking this book seriously.

book

↓

Coach Carr has fled school property.

carr coach coach-carr fled property school school-property

↓

Ms. Norbury has been accused of selling drugs.

accused drugs norbury selling selling-drugs

↓

Now, what the young ladies in this grade need

grade ladies young young-ladies

↓

is an attitude makeover.

attitude makeover

↓

And you're gonna get it right now.

↓

I don't care how long it takes, I will keep you here all night.

care night takes

↓

We can't keep them past 4.

past

↓

I will keep you here until 4.

↓

Now, what we're gonna try to do is fix the way you young ladies

ladies young young-ladies

↓

relate to each other.

relate

↓

OK? Lady to lady.

lady

↓

So who has a lady problem that they'd like to talk about?

lady problem theyd

↓

Yes?

↓

Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin

book lying somebody virgin wrote

↓

because I use super-jumbo tampons.

jumbo super tampons

↓

But I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina.

flow heavy vagina wide

↓

Yeah, I can't do this.

↓

Ms. Norbury.

norbury

↓

You're a successful, intelligent, caring, graceful woman.

caring graceful intelligent successful woman

↓

I am?

↓

There has to be something you can say to these young ladies.

ladies young young-ladies

↓

Something to help them with their self-esteem?

esteem self self-esteem

↓

It's not a self-esteem problem.

esteem problem self self-esteem

↓

I think they're all pretty pleased with themselves.

pleased

↓

OK.

↓

OK. Everybody close your eyes.

close everybody eyes

↓

I want you to raise your hand if you have ever had a girl

girl hand raise

↓

say something bad about you behind your back.

behind

↓

Open your eyes.

eyes open

↓

Now, close your eyes again.

close eyes

↓

And this time, I want you to raise your hand if you have ever

hand raise

↓

said anything about a friend behind her back.

behind friend

↓

Open them.

open

↓

There's been some girl-on-girl crime here.

crime girl

↓

OK. So, what we could do today is a couple exercises to help you

couple exercises today

↓

express your anger in a healthy way.

anger express healthy

↓

Let's start over here.

start

↓

Ms. Norbury had us confront each other directly

confront directly norbury

↓

about the things that were bothering us.

bothering

↓

And it seemed like every clique had its own problems.

problems seemed

↓

You've been acting really stuck-up ever since you switched to shortfielder.

acting stuck switched

↓

And Dawn agrees with me.

agrees dawn

↓

- Dawn? - Don't drag me into this,

dawn drag

↓

I'm pitching tomorrow.

pitching tomorrow

↓

OK. Good.

↓

Can I just say that we don't have a clique problem at this school?

problem school

↓

And some of us shouldn't have to take this workshop, because some of us

workshop

↓

are just victims in this situation.

situation victims

↓

That's probably true. How many of you

↓

have ever felt personally victimized by Regina George?

george personally regina regina-george

↓

Good. OK, who's next?

↓

Who's next?

↓

Cady.

cady

↓

Do you have anything you wanna own up to?

↓

Yes. No.

↓

You never made up a rumor about anybody?

anybody rumor

↓

Just that you sell drugs.

drugs sell

↓

No.

↓

Nothing you want to apologize for?

apologize

↓

I couldn't apologize to Ms. Norbury

apologize norbury

↓

without getting blamed for the whole Burn Book.

blamed book burn burn-book whole

↓

No.

↓

I'm really disappointed in you, Cady.

cady disappointed

↓

OK, so we're all here because of this book, right?

book

↓

Well, I don't know who wrote this book,

book wrote

↓

but you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores.

calling sluts whores

↓

It just makes it OK for guys to call you sluts and whores.

makes sluts whores

↓

Who here has ever been called a slut?

called slut

↓

OK, everybody up.

everybody

↓

Ms. Norbury had us write out apologies

apologies norbury write

↓

to people that we'd hurt in our lives.

hurt lives

↓

"Alyssa, I'm sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch."

bitch called

↓

"It's not your fault you're so gap-toothed."

fault

↓

"Gretchen,

gretchen

↓

"I'm sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea"

diarrhea laughed

↓

"at Barnes and Noble."

barnes noble

↓

"And I'm sorry I told everyone about it."

↓

And I'm sorry for repeating it now.

repeating

↓

Laura, I don't hate you because you're fat.

hate laura

↓

You're fat because I hate you.

hate

↓

I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school.

along middle middle-school school used wish

↓

I wish that I could bake a cake made out of rainbows and smiles,

bake cake rainbows smiles wish

↓

and we'd all eat it and be happy.

happy

↓

She doesn't even go here!

↓

Do you even go to this school?

school

↓

No. I just have a lot of feelings.

feelings

↓

OK, go home.

home

↓

Sharon, I think you're doing a great job.

sharon

↓

Thanks. I feel like I'm getting through.

thanks

↓

I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me.

jealous

↓

But I can't help it that I'm popular.

popular

↓

Oh, my God! Oh, jeez. OK, walk it off. Walk it off.

jeez walk

↓

OK. That hurt.

hurt

↓

They're OK.

↓

They're OK.

↓

Oh, boy. OK, who's next? Who's next? Keep it going.

↓

Oh, my God. It's her dream come true, diving into a big pile of girls.

diving dream girls pile

↓

OK, yeah, I've got an apology.

apology

↓

So I have this friend who is a new student this year.

friend student

↓

And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life.

convinced fun georges life mess regina

↓

So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina,

friends pretend regina

↓

and then she would come to my house after

house

↓

and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said.

dumb laugh regina stuff

↓

And we gave her these candy bar things

candy

↓

that would make her gain weight,

gain weight

↓

and we turned her best friends against her.

best best-friends friends turned

↓

And then... Oh, yeah, Cady... You know my friend Cady.

cady friend

↓

She made out with Regina's boyfriend

boyfriend reginas

↓

and then convinced him to break up with her.

break convinced

↓

Oh, God, and we gave you foot cream instead of face wash.

cream face foot wash

↓

God! I am so sorry, Regina.

regina

↓

Really, I don't know why I did it.

↓

I guess it's probably because I've got a big lesbian crush on you.

crush lesbian

↓

Suck on that!

suck

↓

Janis! Janis! Janis! Janis!

janis

↓

Regina!

regina

↓

Regina, wait! I didn't mean for that to happen.

happen regina

↓

To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care.

care hates

↓

Regina, please! Regina, stop!

regina

↓

No! Do you know what everyone says about you?

↓

They say that you're a home-schooled jungle freak,

freak home home-schooled jungle schooled

↓

who's a less-hot version of me.

less version

↓

Yeah. So don't try to act so innocent.

innocent

↓

You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy...

apology fake hairy shove

↓

And that's how Regina George died.

died george regina regina-george

↓

No, I'm totally kidding. But she did get hurt.

hurt kidding

↓

Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around.

girls head

↓

But that's just a rumor. Some people swear they saw me

rumor swear

↓

push her in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor.

front push rumor worse

↓

- Everybody done? - No. Mom, I didn't do it.

everybody

↓

I don't know what to believe anymore.

anymore believe

↓

Mom, believe me. I'm your daughter.

believe daughter

↓

Why are my tribal vases under the sink?

sink tribal

↓

My tribal vases. Why were they under the sink?

sink tribal

↓

I don't know.

↓

This is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe.

fertility tribe vase

↓

- Does that mean anything to you? - No.

↓

Who are you?

↓

Great. All my friends hate me, and now my mom hates me.

friends hate hates

↓

Your mom does not hate you.

hate

↓

She's afraid of you.

afraid

↓

I don't know, maybe we mainstream-schooled you too soon.

mainstream schooled

↓

Maybe you should come back and be home-schooled again for a while.

home home-schooled schooled

↓

No. Only thing worse than going back will be not going back.

worse

↓

How bad's it gonna be tomorrow?

tomorrow

↓

Remember when we saw those lions fighting over the wart hog carcass?

carcass fighting lions remember wart

↓

I'll be the wart hog.

wart

↓

You're not a wart hog,

wart

↓

you're a lion.

lion

↓

Just focus on your studies for a little while.

focus studies

↓

You're still an excellent student, right?

excellent student

↓

Oh, yeah. I need you to sign my calculus test.

calculus sign test

↓

- Why? - I'm failing.

failing

↓

OK. You are...

↓

What do they call it?

↓

Grounded.

grounded

↓

You're grounded.

grounded

↓

She pushed her in front of the bus.

front pushed

↓

Did you see her do it?

↓

Yes.

↓

Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or Ecstasy tablets?

ecstasy marijuana sell teacher

↓

- No. - What are marijuana tablets?

marijuana

↓

What's going on? Where's Ms. Norbury?

norbury

↓

Mr. Duvall, this is ridiculous. Ms. Norbury does not sell drugs.

drugs duvall norbury ridiculous sell

↓

I know, Aaron. But after the allegations against Coach Carr

aaron carr coach coach-carr

↓

turned out to be extremely true,

extremely turned

↓

the school board felt that it was best that we investigate every claim made

best board claim investigate school school-board

↓

in this Burn Book.

book burn burn-book

↓

That book was written by a bunch of stupid girls

book bunch girls stupid written

↓

who make up rumors because they're bored

bored rumors

↓

with their own lame lives.

lame lives

↓

Well, unless someone wants to come forward and say, "I made it all up",

forward wants

↓

this is how we have to handle it. To say that someone...

handle

↓

Oh, no. Bye, Aaron. You're gonna hate me forever.

aaron forever hate

↓

Mr. Duvall.

duvall

↓

I wrote it.

wrote

↓

Come on, Cady.

cady

↓

When you get bit by a snake,

snake

↓

you're supposed to suck the poison out.

poison suck supposed

↓

That's what I had to do. Suck all the poison out of my life.

life poison suck

↓

I started with Regina,

regina started

↓

who was living proof that the more people are scared of you,

living living-proof proof scared

↓

the more flowers you get.

flowers

↓

Then there was Ms. Norbury,

norbury

↓

who was living proof that no good deed goes unpunished.

deed living living-proof proof

↓

Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs?

drugs

↓

- I'm just done with my quiz. - Wait. I'll grade it right now.

grade quiz

↓

I gotta say, watching the police search my house

house police search watching

↓

really was the cherry on top of a fantastic year.

cherry fantastic

↓

How much trouble did you get in for telling the truth?

telling trouble truth

↓

A lot.

↓

You didn't write that whole book yourself.

book whole write

↓

Did you tell Mr. Duvall who else did it?

duvall

↓

No, because I'm trying this new thing

↓

where I don't talk about people behind their backs.

backs behind

↓

That's all right. Gething hit by a bus is pretty good punishment.

punishment

↓

Ninety-four.

four ninety

↓

Welcome back, nerd.

nerd welcome

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Anyway...

↓

...l'm sorry.

↓

I forgive you.

forgive

↓

But as my own personal form of punishment,

form personal punishment

↓

I figured out how you're gonna earn that extra credit.

credit earn extra extra-credit figured

↓

What's up?

↓

Excellent. Great turnout this year.

excellent turnout

↓

- All right. It's all you. - OK.

↓

- Make me look good out there. - OK.

↓

Marymount, you sons of bitches. You no-good sons of bitches.

bitches sons

↓

- You nervous? - Yes.

nervous

↓

Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus,

break focus

↓

because not one of those Marymount boys is cute.

boys cute

↓

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

evening gentlemen ladies

↓

Welcome to the Illinois High School Mathletes State Championship.

championship mathletes school state welcome

↓

Let's start the competition. Here is the first question.

competition question start

↓

Twice the larger of two numbers is three more than five times

five five-times larger numbers three times twice

↓

the smaller, and the sum of four times the larger

four four-times larger smaller times

↓

and three times the smaller is 71. What are...?

smaller three three-times times

↓

- North Shore? - Fourteen and five.

five fourteen north north-shore shore

↓

That is correct. Question number two.

correct number question

↓

Find an odd three-digit number whose digits add up to 12.

digit digits number three

↓

The digits are all different, and the difference between the first two digits

difference digits

↓

equals the difference between...

difference equals

↓

- Marymount? - 741.

↓

- Correct. - Shoot. I was really rusty.

correct rusty shoot

↓

- Where's Cady? - She went out.

cady

↓

She's grounded.

grounded

↓

Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?

allowed grounded

↓

Don't forget to vote for Spring Fling King and Queen, people.

fling forget king queen spring spring-fling vote

↓

These A-holes will represent you for a full calendar year.

calendar full holes represent

↓

I'm gonna vote for Regina George because she got hit by that bus.

george regina regina-george vote

↓

I'm voting for Cady Heron because she pushed her.

cady cady-heron heron pushed voting

↓

She's supposed to be grounded, but he let her out.

grounded supposed

↓

After 87 minutes of very competitive play, we have a tie.

competitive minutes

↓

In the event of a tie, we move into a sudden-death round.

death event round sudden

↓

Each team is given the opportunity to choose their opponent.

choose given opponent opportunity team

↓

- North Shore, who do you select? - The girl, dude. The girl.

girl north north-shore select shore

↓

Contestant Krafft.

contestant

↓

From Marymount, Miss Caroline Krafft.

caroline miss

↓

We pick the girl too.

girl pick

↓

And from North Shore, Miss Cady Heron.

cady cady-heron heron miss north north-shore shore

↓

It's Cady.

cady

↓

Oh, my God, that's me.

↓

Miss Caroline Krafft seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows.

caroline eyebrows miss needed pluck

↓

Her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher.

blind looked outfit picked school sunday teacher

↓

And she had some 99-cent lip gloss on her snaggletooth.

cent gloss

↓

And that's when I realized, making fun of Caroline Krafft

caroline fun realized

↓

wouldn't stop her from beating me in this contest.

beating contest

↓

Contestants, find the limit of this equation.

contestants limit

↓

Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier.

calling somebody

↓

Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter.

calling smarter stupid

↓

And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier.

georges happier life regina ruining

↓

All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

front life problem solve

↓

- The limit is negative one. - Oh, crap. I lost.

limit lost negative

↓

That answer is incorrect.

answer incorrect

↓

Now, we are in a sudden death. If Miss Heron can answer

answer death heron miss sudden

↓

this problem correctly, we have a winner.

correctly problem winner

↓

Limits. Why couldn't I remember anything about limits?

limits remember

↓

Limits. That was the week Aaron got his hair cut.

aaron hair limits week

↓

Oh, God, he looked so cute. OK, focus, Cady.

cady cute focus looked

↓

What was on the board behind Aaron's head?

behind board head

↓

If the limit never approaches anything...

approaches limit

↓

The limit does not exist.

exist limit

↓

The limit does not exist!

exist limit

↓

Our new state champions,

champions state

↓

- the North Shore Mathletes. - Yeah!

mathletes north north-shore shore

↓

How do you like me now?

↓

You like that? Yeah! Get some! Get some!

↓

Awesome. You went with the leather sleeves.

awesome leather sleeves

↓

- Africa, you did the damn thing. - Thanks.

africa thanks

↓

Thanks, K.G.

thanks

↓

We're gonna look so kick-ass in these when we roll into Spring Fling.

fling kick roll spring spring-fling

↓

- Oh, no, I'm not going. - What?

↓

Cady, this is your night. Don't let the haters

cady night

↓

stop you from doing your thang.

thang

↓

Did you just say "thang"?

thang

↓

Cady, you don't have to punish yourself forever.

cady forever punish

↓

But I'm grounded.

grounded

↓

You're already out.

↓

All right, do we have all of our nominees

nominees

↓

for king and queen on the stage?

king queen stage

↓

OK, good. I just wanted to say that you're all winners.

wanted winners

↓

And I could not be happier that this school year's ending.

ending happier school years

↓

Here we go. The winner of the Spring Fling King,

fling king spring spring-fling winner

↓

- Shane Oman. - Yes!

shane

↓

That's what I'm talking about!

↓

And your Spring Fling Queen,

fling fling-queen queen spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen

↓

future co-chair of the Student Activities Board

activities board chair future student

↓

and winner of two gift certificates

gift winner

↓

to the Walker Brothers Pancake House,

brothers house pancake walker

↓

Cady Heron.

cady cady-heron heron

↓

Where is Cady?

cady

↓

There she is.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Well, half the people in this room are mad at me.

half room

↓

And the other half only like me

half

↓

because they think I pushed somebody in front of a bus.

front pushed somebody

↓

So that's not good.

↓

You know, it's not really required of you to make a speech.

required speech

↓

I'm almost done, I swear.

swear

↓

To all the people whose feelings that got hurt by the Burn Book,

book burn burn-book feelings hurt

↓

I'm really sorry.

↓

You know, I've never been to one of these things before.

↓

And when I think about how many people wanted this

wanted

↓

and how many people cried over it and stuff...

cried stuff

↓

I mean, I think everybody looks like royalty tonight.

everybody royalty tonight

↓

Look at Jessica Lopez. That dress is amazing.

amazing dress jessica

↓

And Emma Gerber, I mean, that hairdo must have taken hours,

hairdo hours must taken

↓

and you look really pretty.

↓

So...

↓

...why is everybody stressing over this thing?

everybody

↓

I mean, it's just plastic. Could really just...

plastic

↓

Share it.

share

↓

A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial Spring Fling Queen.

fling fling-queen gretchen gretchen-wieners partial piece queen spring spring-fling spring-fling-queen wieners

↓

A piece for Janis Ian.

janis piece

↓

Seriously, most people just take the crown and go.

crown

↓

And a piece for Regina George.

george piece regina regina-george

↓

She fractured her spine, and she still looks like a rock star.

rock rock-star spine star

↓

Thank you.

↓

And some for everybody else.

everybody

↓

God, Mr. Duvall, can you wrap it up?

duvall wrap

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

All right, have a good time, everyone.

↓

Look. I'm a queen.

queen

↓

As am I.

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

So are we still in a fight?

fight

↓

Are you still an asshole?

asshole

↓

I don't think so.

↓

Well, then I guess we're OK.

↓

Oh, my God, I love this song!

love song

↓

I hate this song.

hate song

↓

I know this song!

song

↓

Man candy, stage right.

candy stage

↓

- Hey, what's up? - Hey. Didn't think you'd make it.

↓

On behalf of the senior class, I'd like to present you with two gift certificates...

behalf class gift present senior

↓

- Thanks, sucker. - Yo, peace.

peace sucker thanks

↓

One gift certificate to the Walker Brothers Pancake House.

brothers certificate gift house pancake walker

↓

Thank you.

↓

Congratulations on winning State.

congratulations state winning

↓

I was so nervous. They made us do limits.

limits nervous

↓

I thought I was gonna hurl.

hurl

↓

- How's your stomach now? - It's fine.

stomach

↓

- Do you feel nauseous at all? - No.

nauseous

↓

- Have you been drinking? - No.

drinking

↓

OK.

↓

Grool.

↓

No.

↓

- What's up? - Can I help you?

↓

You Puerto Rican?

puerto puerto-rican rican

↓

Lebanese.

↓

I feel that.

↓

In case you're wondering, The Plastics broke up.

broke case plastics wondering

↓

Regina's spine healed, and her physical therapist

healed physical reginas spine therapist

↓

taught her to channel all her rage into sports.

channel rage sports taught

↓

It was perfect because the jock girls weren't afraid of her.

afraid girls jock perfect

↓

Karen used her special talents to do the morning weather announcements.

announcements karen morning special talents used weather

↓

Hi. This is Karen Smith. It's 68 degrees,

degrees karen smith

↓

and there's a 30 percent chance that it's already raining.

chance percent raining

↓

And Gretchen found herself a new clique

found gretchen

↓

and a new queen bee to serve.

queen serve

↓

Aaron went to Northwestern, so I still get to see him on weekends.

aaron weekends

↓

And me?

↓

I had gone from home-schooled jungle freak to shiny Plastic

freak gone home home-schooled jungle plastic schooled shiny

↓

to most hated person in the world to actual human being.

actual hated human person world

↓

Hey.

↓

All the drama from last year just wasn't important anymore.

anymore drama

↓

School used to be like a shark tank, but now I could just float.

float school shark tank used

↓

Regina.

regina

↓

Finally, Girl World was at peace.

finally girl girl-world peace world

↓

Hey, check it out. Junior Plastics.

check junior plastics

↓

And if any freshmen tried to disturb that peace...

disturb peace tried

↓

Well, let's just say we knew how to take care of it.

care

↓

Just kidding.

kidding