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Home » Idiocracy » S01E01 — Idiocracy

Idiocracy

Season 1, Episode 1 — Idiocracy

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** [ Electronic Tune ] [ Electronic Voice ] You've got hepatitis!
electronicelectronic-voicehepatitistunevoice
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Oh, is someone not feeling well?
feeling
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Your illness is very important to us.
illness
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- [ Man ] Next. - [ Electronic Voice ] Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno,
electronicelectronic-voicevoicewelcome
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powered by Jormi Technology. Uh, this goes in your mouth.
mouthpoweredtechnology
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This one goes in your ear. And this one goes in your butt.
butt
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Come on.
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- Hurry up, asshole! - Come on!
assholehurry
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[ Beeping ] Shit. Hang on a second.
beepinghangsecond
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This one-- No.
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- Hey, come on. - Uh--
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- Hurry up! - This one. This one goes in your mouth.
hurrymouth
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Come on!
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[ Electronic Voice ] Thank you for waiting. Dr. Lexus will be with you shortly.
electronicelectronic-voicelexusvoicewaiting
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That's a weird misprint.
weird
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Hey. How's it hang, ese?
hang
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Yeah. Right. Well, not so good, you know.
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I don't really know what's going on, but I'm seein' things.
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I think it might be because of these drugs the army put me on.
armydrugsmight
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But if you could, uh, just get me well enough to get back to base--
base
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Right. Kick ass.
kick
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Well, don't wanna sound like a dick or nothin',
dicknothinsound
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but, uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up.
chartfucked
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You talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded.
retardedshits
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What I'd do is just like, like, you know,
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like, you know what I mean? Like-- [ Chuckles ]
chuckles
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- No, I'm serious here. - [ Chuckles ] Don't worry, scrot.
chucklesseriousworry
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Now there are plenty of 'tards out there living really kick-ass lives.
kickliveslivingplenty
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My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.
pilotwife
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I need for you to be serious for a second here, okay? I need help.
secondserious
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There's that fag talk we talked about.
talked
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All right, so that'll be... this many dollars.
dollarsthatll
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And if you could just go ahead and, like, put your tattoo in that shit.
aheadtattoo
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That's weird. This thing has the same misprint as that magazine.
magazineweird
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- What are the odds of-- - Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?
oddstattoo
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Why don't you have this?
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Oh, God.
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- Where's your tattoo? - Oh, my God.
tattoo
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Why come you don't have a tattoo?
tattoo
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[ Joe ] Oh, my God! You're not unscannable, are you?
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Oh, my God!
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- You're unscannable. - [ Alarm Wailing ]
alarmwailing
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- Unscannable! - No! No, you don't understand!
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You gotta let me talk to someone in the army! Wait a second.
armysecond
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They're all dead. Everybody I know's dead!
deadeverybodyknows
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Oh, my God! Oh!
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- [ Screaming ] - [ Screaming ]
screaming
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- No! Stop! Calm down! - Calm down! Calm down!
calm