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Home » South Park » S03E14 — The Red Badge of Gayness

South Park

Season 3, Episode 14 — The Red Badge of Gayness

TMDB episode metadata

Show: South Park

Episode title: The Red Badge of Gayness

Air date: November 24, 1999

Director: Trey Parker

Top billed cast: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Isaac Hayes, Mary Kay Bergman, Milan Agnone, Jennifer Howell

South Park's Civil War reenactment, sponsored by "Jagerminz S'More Flavored Schnapps," gets out of hand. Cartman persuades the drunken lot to defeat the northerners so that he can win a bet with Kyle and Stan that will make them his slaves for one month.

Source: TMDB

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♪ I'm going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time ♪

park south south-park

↓

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

faces friendly friendly-faces

↓

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

folks humble humble-folks temptation

↓

♪ Going down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind ♪

behind park south south-park woes woes-behind

↓

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

ample ample-parking night parking

↓

♪ People spouting, "howdy, neighbor" ♪

howdy howdy-neighbor neighbor spouting spouting-howdy spouting-howdy-neighbor

↓

♪ Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

heading park south south-park unwind

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♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

mrph mrph-rmhmhm rmhmhm

↓

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

friends meet park south south-park

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Ready? 1, 2, 3, 4.

ready

↓

Yeah, yeah! Do you like to rock?!

rock

↓

Yeah, I like to rock!

rock

↓

Hello, Baltimore!

baltimore

↓

Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

cartman

↓

I'm playing the drum.

drum playing

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Well, you have to hit it softer!

softer

↓

You can't just hit a drum.

drum

↓

You have to beat the shit out of it.

beat

↓

Shut your pie hole, or I'll kick your ass,

hole kick

↓

you fucking drum!

drum fucking

↓

That's how you rock, dude.

rock

↓

You're not supposed to rock.

rock supposed

↓

You're just supposed to keep the beat.

beat supposed

↓

I am keeping the beat. Your flute playing sucks!

beat flute keeping playing sucks

↓

That's it, Cartman. You can't be the drummer.

cartman drummer

↓

Hey, I'll get it!

↓

Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow.

civil reenactment tomorrow

↓

You're not going to get it by tomorrow. - Yes, I will!

tomorrow

↓

Alright, alright. Let's just try again. 1, 2, 3, 4.

alright alright-alright

↓

Yo! Does Cleveland like to rock?!

cleveland rock

↓

Yo! God damn it! Aah!

↓

What?

↓

Give me the drum and you play the flute.

drum flute

↓

No way! Flutes are totally gay. - Mrph phm rmh?

mrph

↓

Cartman, I'm the leader of the reenactment fife-and-drum squad,

cartman drum leader reenactment squad

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and I say you play the flute.

flute

↓

Oh, well, you know what I say?

↓

Screw you guys. I'm going home.

home screw

↓

You dick! - Later.

dick

↓

Alrighty, everyone.

alrighty

↓

We just have a few things to go over

↓

before we head out to the reenactment battlefield.

battlefield head reenactment

↓

First of all, I have great news--

news

↓

there are over 200 folks from around the state

folks state

↓

that have come to see this year's reenactment,

reenactment years

↓

and that's the best turnout ever!

best turnout

↓

Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation,

cartman misses orientation

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they're not gonna let him in the reenactment.

reenactment

↓

He'll show. - He better!

↓

I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor

alcohol announce proud sponsor years

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is Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps,

flavored schnapps smore

↓

the schnapps with the delightful taste of S'mores.

delightful schnapps smores taste

↓

Mmmm!

mmmm

↓

Hey, it does taste like S'mores!

smores taste

↓

Yeah and it's got quite a kick, too!

kick

↓

And now to clarify how the reenactment should unfold,

clarify reenactment

↓

let's bring up our master historian,

bring master

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Grandpa Marvin Marsh!

grandpa marsh marvin

↓

The only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War...

civil seen

↓

Reenactment of 1924.

reenactment

↓

Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?

dead grandpa

↓

Dude, that's not cool.

cool

↓

Good morning, gentlemen. - Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

cartman gentlemen morning morning-gentlemen

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Yeah, you're dressed up like the South.

dressed south

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Yes, this year I've decided to fight for the glorious South.

decided fight glorious south

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Screw you guys...home.

home screw

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And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time?

whup

↓

You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment

civil reenactment

↓

dressed up like General Lee, fat ass.

dressed general

↓

Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.

↓

Okay, you all know the rules.

rules

↓

You must fire your blanks into the air,

blanks fire must

↓

and if someone says they killed you,

killed

↓

you gotta play dead.

dead

↓

The South loses this battle, Cartman.

battle cartman loses south

↓

They lose the war.

lose

↓

Nuh-uh. The South is gonna win.

south

↓

No, they're not, stupid.

stupid

↓

Yes, we are!

↓

How much you want to bet?

↓

Now, remember, everybody,

everybody remember

↓

for a good reenactment,

reenactment

↓

we've got to pretend down to the last detail

detail pretend

↓

that we're really in the Civil War.

civil

↓

So, when the North wins,

north wins

↓

all of us on the Confederate side

confederate side

↓

should act all bummed and depressed...

bummed depressed

↓

How much you want to bet the South doesn't win?

south

↓

Well, this war's about slavery,

slavery wars

↓

so how about if the South wins,

south south-wins wins

↓

you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month?

assholes month slaves

↓

And if the North wins, you're our slave for a month?

month north slave wins

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Right! - You're on!

↓

Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen,

gentlemen morning morning-gentlemen

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and see you on the battlefield.

battlefield

↓

What a dumbass!

dumbass

↓

Yeah, he doesn't even know that the South

south

↓

loses the Civil War.

civil loses

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It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.

cartman having slave

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And with that, let's all head to Tamarack Hill

head hill

↓

and put on a good show!

↓

Yeah!

↓

Welcome to the South Park Reenactment of

park reenactment south south-park welcome

↓

the Battle of Tamarack Hill.

battle hill

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The men in gray are the Confederacy from the South.

confederacy gray south

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In the blue, the Union from the North.

blue north union

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It was a cold morning in 1862.

cold morning

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The Union army had to get the Bell of Appomattox

army bell union

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down from Tamarack Hill.

hill

↓

What ensued was a bloody battle,

battle bloody

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but after many hours, the Union army prevailed.

army hours union

↓

Here now is the reenactment of that great battle.

battle reenactment

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Forward!

forward

↓

Let's bring those Confederate bastards down!

bastards bring confederate

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Fire!

fire

↓

Alright, men, fire!

alright fire

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Hey, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.

fall shot

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Ow.

↓

Yeah!

↓

Wow, so this is what it was like.

↓

Hey, what's that guy doing?

↓

Whee-hee! Long live the Confederacy!

confederacy live whee

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Huh?

↓

What the hell?

↓

Hey, he took the bell!

bell

↓

He can't do that!

↓

The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!

bell confederacy

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Hooray for the South!

hooray south

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Cartman, you can't do that!

cartman

↓

God damn it, now we have to start over.

start

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Alrighty, everyone.

alrighty

↓

We're going to do the entire reenactment again

entire reenactment

↓

because of some confusion over the bell.

bell confusion

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Now, I know you're just trying to help, Eric,

eric

↓

but we have to let the Union army capture the bell this time.

army bell capture union

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But why? Why should they get the bell?

bell

↓

Well...'cause we're supposed to lose.

lose supposed

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But we don't have to lose. - What?

lose

↓

Gentlemen, we can win this battle.

battle gentlemen

↓

Sure, we could lose,

lose

↓

and tonight we could go back to our families

families tonight

↓

and say, "we did it. We lost like we were supposed to.

lost supposed

↓

Aren't we proud?"

proud

↓

Or...or we take that hill,

hill

↓

we take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it,

hill stand tall

↓

we hold our heads high, and we yell,

heads yell

↓

"Not this year!

↓

This year belongs to the Confederacy!"

belongs confederacy

↓

By God, he's right! - Jimbo!

jimbo

↓

No, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now.

reenacting years

↓

And for 22 years, us Confederate reenactors

confederate years

↓

have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of

evening fun spend

↓

by the Union reenactors.

union

↓

Well, I'm sick of it!

sick

↓

Yeah, why do we have to be their bitches

bitches

↓

every year?

↓

I'm tired of losing this battle.

battle losing tired

↓

And I say it's high time we kicked some ass!

kicked

↓

Who's with me?

↓

Yeah!

↓

Alright, folks, sorry for the false start.

alright false folks start

↓

We're ready to go again.

ready

↓

It was a cold morning in 1862.

cold morning

↓

The Union army had--

army union

↓

What the hell?

↓

You're not gonna live to see another day!

another live

↓

Uh, what are they doing?

↓

You yankee sons of bitches!

bitches sons yankee

↓

Ow! That hurt!

hurt

↓

Damn it, what the hell are they doing?!

↓

What do we do?

↓

Run for your life, dude!

life

↓

God bless those men that fight for their freedom.

bless fight freedom

↓

God bless those men and God bless the Confederacy!

bless confederacy

↓

Surrender your men, General!

general surrender

↓

Jimbo, have you lost your mind?

jimbo lost mind

↓

Surrender your men, General!

general surrender

↓

Alright, alright, we surrender!

alright alright-alright surrender

↓

The South wins?

south south-wins wins

↓

The South wins!

south south-wins wins

↓

God damn it!

↓

Well, we can all be friends now.

friends

↓

Come on, Randy, have some S'more Schnapps.

randy schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.

happy reenactment ruined

↓

Aw, come on, have a little sip.

↓

So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves?

ready slaves start

↓

You cheated, Cartman!

cartman cheated

↓

Yeah, and it doesn't matter because the bet was

matter

↓

that the South doesn't win the war.

south

↓

And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit.

dipshit south

↓

Yeah, too bad you're such a dumbass at history,

dumbass history

↓

or you would have known that.

known

↓

I hate you guys so much...

hate

↓

So very, very much.

↓

And this is not over, not by a long shot.

shot

↓

All I'm saying is that...

↓

I-is that the Confederates

confederates

↓

would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka.

asses gotten kicked topeka

↓

That ain't true.

aint

↓

The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!

confederates topeka

↓

Yeah!

↓

You're dreaming!

dreaming

↓

Perhaps we should take Topeka - Huh?

perhaps topeka

↓

They mock us in Kansas, soldier.

kansas mock soldier

↓

They think the South is a joke.

joke south

↓

They don't respect our authoritah!

respect

↓

They don't?

↓

No, I say we take Topeka.

topeka

↓

You know what?

↓

I'll bet we could take Topeka right now

topeka

↓

and prove them all wrong!

prove

↓

Huh? - That's right.

↓

Maybe we should do what the Confederates

confederates

↓

would have done and march on to Topeka.

march topeka

↓

I'll bet we could!

↓

I'll bet we could, too!

↓

I'll bet you can't.

↓

What?! Is that a challenge?

challenge

↓

I'll bet we can!

↓

I'll bet you can't

↓

because you guys are all pussies!

pussies

↓

Pussies? Oh, yeah?

pussies

↓

Men, it's time to show the world

world

↓

what this Confederate army has got!

army confederate

↓

We're gonna take Topeka, once and for all!

topeka

↓

Yeah!

↓

All you men, you may have lost in the Union today,

lost today union

↓

but join us now and win back your pride!

join pride

↓

Yeah!

↓

The Union be damned!

damned union

↓

Let's go!

↓

Yeah!

↓

Oh, what was our bet again?

↓

Let's see...

↓

Yes, I remember... if the South wins,

remember south south-wins wins

↓

you have to be my slaves for a month!

month slaves

↓

They're just drunk, Cartman.

cartman drunk

↓

As soon as they sober up, they'll stop.

sober

↓

Enjoy your freedom, gentlemen.

enjoy freedom gentlemen

↓

Soon you will be my propertah!

↓

Come, Kenny, come fight for us,

fight kenny

↓

and I'll make sure you get

↓

lots of plunder and womens. - Mrph rm!

lots mrph womens

↓

Good morning, Mrs. Hollis.

morning

↓

Hello, Ralph!

ralph

↓

Did you happen to catch that ballgame last night?

catch happen night

↓

I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late--

afraid grading late papers

↓

What's that noise, officer?

noise officer

↓

Charge!

charge

↓

Ow!

↓

Freeze, buddy!

buddy freeze

↓

These are blanks but they still hurt like hell.

blanks hurt

↓

It's ours, it's ours!

↓

We've taken Topeka!

taken topeka

↓

Alright, yank, tell us where you keep

alright yank

↓

your Jagerminz S'more-Flavored Schnapps!

flavored schnapps smore

↓

S-Schnapps?

schnapps

↓

Uh, I guess it would be at the liquor store.

liquor liquor-store store

↓

Where?!

↓

At the liquor store!

liquor liquor-store store

↓

At the liquor store!

liquor liquor-store store

↓

Come on, boys!

boys

↓

This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen!

bizarre seen

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Dude, my mom is so pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.

kansas pissed

↓

I know but why do they have to take it out on us?

↓

Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?

↓

Here comes the bus.

comes

↓

Butters, are you the only one that came back?

butters

↓

C-Confederate messenger Butters reporting, sir.

butters confederate messenger reporting

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I have a message for you from the battlefield. - What battlefield?

battlefield message

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Topeka. We're raising all kinds of hell, see?

kinds raising topeka

↓

It's probably the most fun I've had in several months.

fun months several

↓

W-well, you gonna read your message or not?

message read

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"Dear guys...

dear

↓

"words cannot express how much I hate you guys.

cannot express hate words

↓

"as we fight our way northward into the great unknown,

fight unknown

↓

"only that one thing remains certain,

certain remains

↓

"that I hate you guys

hate

↓

"with every tired muscle in my Confederate body.

body confederate muscle tired

↓

"We have taken Topeka,

taken topeka

↓

"and now I must rally the men onward to Missouri

must rally

↓

"because I will not stop until we have won it all

↓

"and you guys are my slaves.

slaves

↓

"Because...I hate you guys.

hate

↓

"I hate you guys so very, very much.

hate

↓

Yours, General Cartman Lee."

cartman general

↓

Damn it, that fat piece of shit.

piece

↓

Dude, what if Cartman really does succeed,

cartman succeed

↓

and we really do have to be his slaves?

slaves

↓

That would suck so much ass.

suck

↓

We have to stop him, dude.

↓

I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us.

grandpa

↓

Where's the Confederate army now, Butters?

army butters confederate

↓

Uh, I ain't supposed to tell you that.

aint supposed

↓

If I told you that, w-well, I'd be a...

↓

a no-good yankee son-of-a-bitch.

bitch yankee

↓

We'll give you 10 bucks. - Oh,oh...okay.

bucks

↓

...And was forced to live off her own feces for several days.

days feces forced live several several-days

↓

In national news, a frightening radical group from Colorado

colorado frightening group national news radical

↓

is making its way across the southern states of America.

america southern states

↓

The group is recruiting new members

group members recruiting

↓

in each town they pass through and rapidly growing in number.

growing number pass rapidly town

↓

So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard.

authorities decided guard national

↓

The group seems to be led by military mastermind

group mastermind military seems

↓

and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern,

jimbo kern radical wing

↓

who is known for his guerrilla fighting and leadership skills.

fighting known leadership skills

↓

Gimme some more S'more Schnapps! I'm gonna be sick!

schnapps sick smore smore-schnapps

↓

Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.

worse

↓

Well, come on, Billy,

billy

↓

we gotta make these little peckers stop

↓

before they get themselves killed.

killed

↓

They say we can either fight them or join them.

fight join

↓

Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!

blanks hurt joining

↓

Dad, Dad! Mom wants you to come home!

home wants

↓

Not now, Stan. I'm pillaging!

stan

↓

Get over here!

↓

You've got to stop, Dad.

↓

If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves.

cartmans slaves south south-wins stan wins

↓

This is a reenactment, Kyle.

kyle reenactment

↓

My name is Private John Farcastle,

john name private

↓

and I have to do what my general tells me.

general tells

↓

Hey, there's S'more Schnapps over here!

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

More Schnapps!

schnapps

↓

I'm Sergeant Larson of the National Guard.

guard larson national sergeant

↓

We're here to stop the terrorists.

terrorists

↓

They're not terrorists.

terrorists

↓

They're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.

bunch colorado drunk wankers

↓

Well, we can't just shoot 'em.

shoot

↓

There's innocents and children about.

children

↓

Dawkins! - Sir!

dawkins

↓

Fire a warning flare. - Yes, sir!

fire flare warning

↓

Medic!

medic

↓

Oops! - Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

kenny killed killed-kenny oops

↓

You bastards! - Hey!

bastards

↓

We can't fire at them, sir.

fire

↓

There are too many children.

children

↓

Then how do we stop them?

↓

I know how...

↓

but we'll have to wait until dark.

dark

↓

"Dear Ms. McCormick,

dear mccormick

↓

"It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you

heart heavy inform must

↓

"that your son Kenny was killed in battle

battle kenny killed

↓

"on the morning of November 18th

morning november

↓

"at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga.

hills ruby

↓

"This war has taken something from all of us

taken

↓

"and although your son appears

appears

↓

"to be the only casualty so far,

↓

"know that we all share your pain.

pain share

↓

"Your son did not die in vain.

vain

↓

"I shall persevere

persevere

↓

"and make Stan and Kyle my slaves

kyle slaves stan

↓

"because I hate those guys.

hate

↓

"I hate them so very, very much.

hate

↓

Yours, General Cartman Lee."

cartman general

↓

There, you see?

↓

We take the S'more Schnapps,

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

and by morning, they're all gonna want to go home.

home morning

↓

Nice thinking, Billy.

billy thinking

↓

Let's go!

↓

Where to next, General?

general

↓

Where did the Confederates go, son?

confederates

↓

Well, I guess to Fort Sumter in South Carolina.

carolina fort south south-carolina

↓

That's where the Civil War really escalated.

civil escalated

↓

Ah, splendid.

splendid

↓

Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.

fort

↓

Well, that sounds great.

sounds

↓

I'm gonna get some S'more Schnapps.

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

You want anything?

↓

Yeah, could I get some of those animal cookies?

animal cookies

↓

Those frosted ones with the sprinkles on 'em?

frosted ones sprinkles

↓

Uh, sure.

↓

What the--

↓

Hey, where's the S'more Schnapps?

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

We're out of S'more Schnapps?

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

That can't be!

↓

I guess we drank it all.

drank

↓

Now what?

↓

Now we just wait until morning.

morning

↓

Checkmate, Cartman.

cartman checkmate

↓

Pretty soon you're gonna be our slave.

slave

↓

Yeah!

↓

Ouch.

ouch

↓

Oh, my head.

head

↓

Where am I?

↓

Ned, I think I can say without any doubt

doubt

↓

that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.

drinking longest

↓

Oh, oh. My head.

head

↓

Oh, no, I'm supposed to be at work today.

supposed today

↓

Me too!

↓

Well, come on, everybody.

everybody

↓

We've got to get to the nearest bus station quick.

nearest quick station

↓

Where are you going?

↓

We're going home, kid. Come on!

home

↓

We can't go home. We have to take Fort Sumter!

fort home

↓

The only thing we got to do is get home

home

↓

before our wives leave us.

wives

↓

No.

↓

What about the Confederacy?

confederacy

↓

What about freedom?

freedom

↓

Ha ha. You lose, fat ass!

lose

↓

God, I hate you guys!

hate

↓

Yeah, but, you know,

↓

I think you've learned something today.

learned today

↓

You've learned that you can't rewrite history.

history learned rewrite

↓

You see, history is forever.

forever history

↓

And everything happens for a reason.

happens reason

↓

You can try to change the past,

change past

↓

but usually, you kn-- where are you going?

usually

↓

This isn't over. Oh, no.

↓

Oh, no, not by a long shot.

shot

↓

Oh, I don't believe we came all the way out here.

believe

↓

Yeah, well, I don't think the bus station

station

↓

is too far from here.

↓

How much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado

colorado ticket

↓

is gonna run?

↓

Hello, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl.

girl schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

We are pleased to sponsor you

pleased sponsor

↓

with all the S'more Schnapps you need.

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

Uh, I can't drink any more of that stuff.

drink stuff

↓

Me neither.

↓

Uh, come on, guys,

↓

just one little drink.

drink

↓

A toast to how far you came and all that you saw.

toast

↓

Yes, please. Do shots out of my breasts.

breasts shots

↓

Well, I guess one little cheers is in order!

cheers order

↓

Hey, look, Ned's doing his trick again.

neds trick

↓

Hey, guys, let's all play a game of grab-ass!

game grab

↓

What's grab-ass?

grab

↓

We just run around in circles

circles

↓

and try to grab each other's asses.

asses grab others

↓

Hey, that sounds fun!

fun sounds

↓

I got you!

↓

Oh! Ooh!

↓

Gentlemen, I hate to break up the party,

break gentlemen hate party

↓

but I believe we have a fort to take.

believe fort

↓

You heard the general!

general heard

↓

Yeah!

↓

Oh, no!

↓

We'll never stop them now.

↓

Whoo-hoo!

whoo

↓

Yes, yes!

↓

Throughout 1861, the Confederate authorities

authorities confederate throughout

↓

tried to drive out the Union occupants

drive tried union

↓

of Fort Sumter Peacefully.

fort peacefully

↓

But Abraham Lincoln's administration

abraham administration

↓

would not surrender the fort to the Confederates,

confederates fort surrender

↓

so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.

action davis decided jefferson

↓

And the Confederates won the fort?

confederates fort

↓

Yes.

↓

Imagine what it must have been like.

imagine must

↓

You're a Union soldier stationed at this fort.

fort soldier stationed union

↓

And one day you look out

↓

and see thousands of Confederates

confederates thousands

↓

ready to pounce on you!

ready

↓

Uh...

↓

Take the fort! - Charge!

charge fort

↓

We got it! The fort is ours!

fort

↓

What was that?

↓

Attention, political activists.

attention political

↓

You are on government historical monument property.

government historical monument property

↓

Surrender the monument with your hands up.

hands monument surrender

↓

If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged

arranged fort tour

↓

through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.

carolina chamber south south-carolina

↓

Give up, fat ass.

↓

There's over 100 National Guard guys here.

guard national

↓

Stuck my ass!

stuck

↓

What do we do, general? We're outnumbered!

general

↓

We ask the state of South Carolina for recruits.

carolina recruits south south-carolina state

↓

Some reinforcements are bound to show up.

bound reinforcements

↓

Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.

alright blow whole

↓

You can't do that. Our dads are in there!

dads

↓

Sorry, son, we tried it your way.

tried

↓

Now we do it our way.

↓

Prepare the mortar!

prepare

↓

Hold it right there.

↓

Wow, look at that!

↓

The entire state of South Carolina showed up.

carolina entire showed south south-carolina state

↓

I knew they would.

↓

Aw, damn it!

↓

We're ready to fight with ya.

fight ready

↓

Long live the Confederacy!

confederacy live

↓

Yee-haw!

↓

Now our numbers are truly great.

numbers truly

↓

It is time.

↓

It is time to march to Washington, D.C.

march washington

↓

Hey, government!

government

↓

You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore!

anymore cries ignore

↓

You hear that, government?

government

↓

Oh, boy, this doesn't look good.

↓

It's just like the Million Man March,

march million

↓

except there actually are a million people.

except million

↓

Mr. President, a message for you from the extremists.

message president

↓

"Dear Mr. President...

dear president

↓

"there are times when humans can no longer

humans longer times

↓

"endure their government's authoritah.

governments

↓

"You must declare the Confederacy its own nation

confederacy declare must nation

↓

"so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah.

enter millennium

↓

"if you do not meet our demands,

demands meet

↓

"we will be forced to show the videotapes

forced

↓

we have of you with Marisa Tomel."

↓

Oh, dear God!

dear

↓

We have to meet their demands!

demands meet

↓

What? Sir, there's not that many of them!

↓

As vice president, I think we better give them what they want.

president vice vice-president

↓

It's just the southern states. Who really needs them?

needs southern states

↓

My hands are tied.

hands tied

↓

Tell General Lee

general

↓

that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.

capitol front meet

↓

Sir!

↓

I'm so glad I don't have your job.

glad

↓

Dude, let's just give up now

↓

and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves.

accept cartmans slaves

↓

Damn it, Billy, this isn't about you having to be slaves.

billy having slaves

↓

This is about history.

history

↓

We can't let them change it.

change

↓

But we've tried everything Grandpa. What else can we do?

grandpa tried

↓

Wait a minute, they're all still doing a reenactment.

minute reenactment

↓

What we have to do is play into that.

↓

Come on, Billy, you boys need a quick history lesson.

billy boys history lesson quick

↓

Alright, I'm gonna sign the document

alright document sign

↓

declaring the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.

civil confederacy declaring winners

↓

Hooray!

hooray

↓

Boy, we really got the president by the balls.

balls president

↓

Good thing you have that videotape

videotape

↓

of him and Marisa Tomei.

↓

I don't. I made it up.

↓

Hey, who's that?

↓

Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln,

abraham abraham-lincoln lincoln

↓

President of the United States.

president states united united-states

↓

Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis,

davis jefferson

↓

President of the Confederacy.

confederacy president

↓

Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?

keeps weirder

↓

What the hell are you guys doing?

↓

Hey, general! He's reenacting Jefferson Davis!

davis general jefferson reenacting

↓

You can't talk that way to a superior officer!

officer superior

↓

Men, I want you all to know

↓

that as President of the Confederacy,

confederacy president

↓

I am hereby surrendering. - What?!

hereby

↓

Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender

abraham abraham-lincoln accept lincoln surrender

↓

and agree to your conditions.

agree conditions

↓

You and all the Confederates

confederates

↓

will have all the S'more Schnapps

schnapps smore smore-schnapps

↓

you can drink for a year.

drink

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

A whole year? - Alright!

alright whole

↓

Well, I think we got what we wanted.

wanted

↓

That's it? I don't have to sign this thing?

sign

↓

Hey, come on, we should take a tour of the Smithsonian

tour

↓

before we head back.

head

↓

No! We still have to fight!

fight

↓

Lincoln and Davis signed a treaty, General.

davis general lincoln signed treaty

↓

The war is over.

↓

Noooo!

noooo

↓

It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!

cartman finally lost

↓

Yeah, and now you can take that stupid beard off!

beard stupid

↓

Owwwwww!

↓

Boys, as President of the United States,

boys president states united united-states

↓

I want to commend you

↓

for stopping the rebel uprising.

rebel stopping uprising

↓

Don't touch me.

touch

↓

Well, Cartman, the South lost.

cartman lost south

↓

That means you're our slave for a month!

month slave

↓

Damn it, damn it. I was so close! Damn it.

close

↓

The first thing I want you to do for us is--

↓

Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave! - What?

minute slave

↓

The North still won the Civil War.

civil north

↓

That means slavery is abolished.

slavery

↓

He's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral,

boys illegal slavery

↓

partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.

civil north partially thanks winning

↓

Awww!

awww

↓

Oh, to hell with it. Let's just go home.

home

↓

Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton! Yeah, thanks, dick!

bill clinton dick thanks