Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E04 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 4 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#1

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#1

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#1

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#2

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#2

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#2

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#3

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go

#3

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go ♪

#4

⇓

♪ Go for it, go for it, go ♪

#4

⇓

Go for it, go for it.

#5

⇓

Go for it, go for it.

#5

⇓

Somebody's chipper this morning.

#6

⇓

Somebody's chipper this morning.

#6

⇓

Oh, you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.

#7

⇓

Oh, you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.

#7

⇓

We just didn't want to interrupt your morning routine.

#8

⇓

We just didn't want to interrupt your morning routine.

#8

⇓

Is doing cocaine every morning your routine, Frank?

#9

⇓

Is doing cocaine every morning your routine, Frank?

#9

⇓

- Yeah. - Hey, Frank.

#10

⇓

- Yeah. - Hey, Frank.

#10

⇓

- How's Wolf Cola doing? - Funny you should ask.

#11

⇓

- How's Wolf Cola doing? - Funny you should ask.

#11

⇓

I'm selling it to the Jews in Boca Raton.

#12

⇓

I'm selling it to the Jews in Boca Raton.

#12

⇓

They're slurping it up like candy. I'm telling you, they're addicted.

#13

⇓

They're slurping it up like candy. I'm telling you, they're addicted.

#13

⇓

If I recall, Wolf Cola used to just be a money laundering front.

#14

⇓

If I recall, Wolf Cola used to just be a money laundering front.

#14

⇓

Well, it was, but I'm selling it now by the truckload.

#15

⇓

Well, it was, but I'm selling it now by the truckload.

#15

⇓

They can't get enough of it.

#16

⇓

They can't get enough of it.

#16

⇓

It's become the official drink of Boca Raton.

#17

⇓

It's become the official drink of Boca Raton.

#17

⇓

- Why do you ask? - Well, just 'cause of this.

#18

⇓

- Why do you ask? - Well, just 'cause of this.

#18

⇓

The group released another video today.

#19

⇓

The group released another video today.

#19

⇓

Preliminary investigations have revealed

#20

⇓

Preliminary investigations have revealed

#20

⇓

that Wolf Cola may, in fact, be an American soda company,

#21

⇓

that Wolf Cola may, in fact, be an American soda company,

#21

⇓

although how and why Boko Haram has adopted it as their official soft drink

#22

⇓

although how and why Boko Haram has adopted it as their official soft drink

#22

⇓

is unknown at this time.

#23

⇓

is unknown at this time.

#23

⇓

We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.

#24

⇓

We'll keep you updated on this story as it develops.

#24

⇓

Boca Raton, Frank?

#25

⇓

Boca Raton, Frank?

#25

⇓

Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?

#26

⇓

Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?

#26

⇓

Whoops.

#27

⇓

Whoops.

#27

⇓

How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa?

#28

⇓

How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa?

#28

⇓

It's an easy misunderstanding.

#29

⇓

It's an easy misunderstanding.

#29

⇓

It is, if you're an elderly cokehead,

#30

⇓

It is, if you're an elderly cokehead,

#30

⇓

trying to launder money through a dummy soda corporation.

#31

⇓

trying to launder money through a dummy soda corporation.

#31

⇓

This is bigger than cola, Dee.

#32

⇓

This is bigger than cola, Dee.

#32

⇓

This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids.

#33

⇓

This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids.

#33

⇓

- My God, there are other fluids? - Yeah.

#34

⇓

- My God, there are other fluids? - Yeah.

#34

⇓

Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink, Fight Milk.

#35

⇓

Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink, Fight Milk.

#35

⇓

- Fight Milk? - Fight Milk!

#36

⇓

- Fight Milk? - Fight Milk!

#36

⇓

Wait, that's our drink. You've been selling that?

#37

⇓

Wait, that's our drink. You've been selling that?

#37

⇓

It's selling like crazy with the UFC guys.

#38

⇓

It's selling like crazy with the UFC guys.

#38

⇓

- UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk? - What?

#39

⇓

- UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk? - What?

#39

⇓

Buying it like crazy.

#40

⇓

Buying it like crazy.

#40

⇓

- My God, Charlie, this is huge. - Yeah!

#41

⇓

- My God, Charlie, this is huge. - Yeah!

#41

⇓

Remember, we designed that for bodyguards, by bodyguards.

#42

⇓

Remember, we designed that for bodyguards, by bodyguards.

#42

⇓

And it makes total sense, because the best bodyguards

#43

⇓

And it makes total sense, because the best bodyguards

#43

⇓

- are former UFC fighters. - Of course.

#44

⇓

- are former UFC fighters. - Of course.

#44

⇓

And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards.

#45

⇓

And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards.

#45

⇓

- So, bodyguards, UFC fighters... - It's a revolving door.

#46

⇓

- So, bodyguards, UFC fighters... - It's a revolving door.

#46

⇓

- Absolutely. - We gotta take control of the product.

#47

⇓

- Absolutely. - We gotta take control of the product.

#47

⇓

Let's get out there. Let's mingle with these dudes.

#48

⇓

Let's get out there. Let's mingle with these dudes.

#48

⇓

Let's expand the brand.

#49

⇓

Let's expand the brand.

#49

⇓

Fight Milk's back.

#50

⇓

Fight Milk's back.

#50

⇓

- Fight Milk! - Yeah!

#51

⇓

- Fight Milk! - Yeah!

#51

⇓

Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.

#52

⇓

Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.

#52

⇓

- Go bag? - You're gonna go blond?

#53

⇓

- Go bag? - You're gonna go blond?

#53

⇓

Yeah. This is not funny.

#54

⇓

Yeah. This is not funny.

#54

⇓

It's very funny to me, 'cause your life's falling apart.

#55

⇓

It's very funny to me, 'cause your life's falling apart.

#55

⇓

You really screwed yourself this time. Do you mind?

#56

⇓

You really screwed yourself this time. Do you mind?

#56

⇓

Go ahead. I'm screwed? You're going down, too, buddy.

#57

⇓

Go ahead. I'm screwed? You're going down, too, buddy.

#57

⇓

What?

#58

⇓

What?

#58

⇓

Remember when you wanted all the power, so you could get the puss?

#59

⇓

Remember when you wanted all the power, so you could get the puss?

#59

⇓

I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution.

#60

⇓

I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution.

#60

⇓

Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I only wanted the illusion of power.

#61

⇓

Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I only wanted the illusion of power.

#61

⇓

The illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.

#62

⇓

The illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.

#62

⇓

This is a good day for me. You're going down, too? This is great.

#63

⇓

This is a good day for me. You're going down, too? This is great.

#63

⇓

You're laughing? You're executive vice president of operations.

#64

⇓

You're laughing? You're executive vice president of operations.

#64

⇓

- What? - Yes.

#65

⇓

- What? - Yes.

#65

⇓

Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?

#66

⇓

Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?

#66

⇓

It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

#67

⇓

It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.

#67

⇓

- Okay, all right. - Oh, no.

#68

⇓

- Okay, all right. - Oh, no.

#68

⇓

Don't panic. I got this. We just need to face this thing head-on.

#69

⇓

Don't panic. I got this. We just need to face this thing head-on.

#69

⇓

And we need to do it right away, okay? Because we only have...

#70

⇓

And we need to do it right away, okay? Because we only have...

#70

⇓

Twenty-four hours.

#71

⇓

Twenty-four hours.

#71

⇓

This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

#72

⇓

This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

#72

⇓

Yes, bitch. Now, listen. We live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle,

#73

⇓

Yes, bitch. Now, listen. We live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle,

#73

⇓

which means we only have 24 hours to respond to this.

#74

⇓

which means we only have 24 hours to respond to this.

#74

⇓

If we don't, Internet trolls will control the narrative.

#75

⇓

If we don't, Internet trolls will control the narrative.

#75

⇓

I don't know how we're gonna come back from dealing with terrorists.

#76

⇓

I don't know how we're gonna come back from dealing with terrorists.

#76

⇓

Mercedes built Nazi tanks,

#77

⇓

Mercedes built Nazi tanks,

#77

⇓

and the Jews are still driving their cars around.

#78

⇓

and the Jews are still driving their cars around.

#78

⇓

Floyd Mayweather beat the shit out of multiple women,

#79

⇓

Floyd Mayweather beat the shit out of multiple women,

#79

⇓

and he's the highest paid athlete of all time.

#80

⇓

and he's the highest paid athlete of all time.

#80

⇓

There's only one thing you can't come back from... Banging kids.

#81

⇓

There's only one thing you can't come back from... Banging kids.

#81

⇓

What about the Catholic Church?

#82

⇓

What about the Catholic Church?

#82

⇓

That's a good point.

#83

⇓

That's a good point.

#83

⇓

They did sidestep banging kids pretty masterfully,

#84

⇓

They did sidestep banging kids pretty masterfully,

#84

⇓

but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal.

#85

⇓

but they've got billions of dollars at their disposal.

#85

⇓

- And we do not, so... - No.

#86

⇓

- And we do not, so... - No.

#86

⇓

Here we go.

#87

⇓

Here we go.

#87

⇓

- Fight Milk! - Fight Milk's in the house.

#88

⇓

- Fight Milk! - Fight Milk's in the house.

#88

⇓

- Fight Milk's in the house. - Who wants to drink some Fight Milk?

#89

⇓

- Fight Milk's in the house. - Who wants to drink some Fight Milk?

#89

⇓

Fight! Fight!

#90

⇓

Fight! Fight!

#90

⇓

- Fight Milk's in the house. - That's right.

#91

⇓

- Fight Milk's in the house. - That's right.

#91

⇓

Time to stop eating your crow, and start drinking your crow.

#92

⇓

Time to stop eating your crow, and start drinking your crow.

#92

⇓

Hey, guys. Turn off that Cancun, pussy ass, techno bullshit.

#93

⇓

Hey, guys. Turn off that Cancun, pussy ass, techno bullshit.

#93

⇓

- Yeah. - That's what I said.

#94

⇓

- Yeah. - That's what I said.

#94

⇓

- I said turn off the-- - That's what I was saying.

#95

⇓

- I said turn off the-- - That's what I was saying.

#95

⇓

Don't play the Cancun bullshit, Charlie,

#96

⇓

Don't play the Cancun bullshit, Charlie,

#96

⇓

- and he said... - I said the same thing.

#97

⇓

- and he said... - I said the same thing.

#97

⇓

- Gotta go spring break. - Let us tell you about ourselves.

#98

⇓

- Gotta go spring break. - Let us tell you about ourselves.

#98

⇓

Yeah, we're the founders and creators of Fight Milk.

#99

⇓

Yeah, we're the founders and creators of Fight Milk.

#99

⇓

We wanted to come by and tell you a little bit about what we do.

#100

⇓

We wanted to come by and tell you a little bit about what we do.

#100

⇓

Now, I've always been very passionate about dominating other men.

#101

⇓

Now, I've always been very passionate about dominating other men.

#101

⇓

There's nothing like the feeling of another man submitting to your will.

#102

⇓

There's nothing like the feeling of another man submitting to your will.

#102

⇓

Now, that's power. In a lot of ways, that's love.

#103

⇓

Now, that's power. In a lot of ways, that's love.

#103

⇓

What are you talking about? He's a bodyguard, though.

#104

⇓

What are you talking about? He's a bodyguard, though.

#104

⇓

- I feel like you're being unclear. - Did I not say that?

#105

⇓

- I feel like you're being unclear. - Did I not say that?

#105

⇓

- You should lead with that. - I'm screwing up the pitch.

#106

⇓

- You should lead with that. - I'm screwing up the pitch.

#106

⇓

I'm gonna jump in here. We're a couple of crow enthusiasts,

#107

⇓

I'm gonna jump in here. We're a couple of crow enthusiasts,

#107

⇓

who wanted to take the power and essence of a crow,

#108

⇓

who wanted to take the power and essence of a crow,

#108

⇓

and we packed that into a delicious milk drink that we invented.

#109

⇓

and we packed that into a delicious milk drink that we invented.

#109

⇓

- Thus, Fight Milk. - Yeah.

#110

⇓

- Thus, Fight Milk. - Yeah.

#110

⇓

I don't know what you guys are talking about right now,

#111

⇓

I don't know what you guys are talking about right now,

#111

⇓

but I have heard of your stuff,

#112

⇓

but I have heard of your stuff,

#112

⇓

and Cerrone and Felder, they actually love it.

#113

⇓

and Cerrone and Felder, they actually love it.

#113

⇓

Are you kidding me, dude?

#114

⇓

Are you kidding me, dude?

#114

⇓

Cowboy Cerrone and Paul Felder drink Fight Milk?

#115

⇓

Cowboy Cerrone and Paul Felder drink Fight Milk?

#115

⇓

- They love it. They crush it. - They crush it!

#116

⇓

- They love it. They crush it. - They crush it!

#116

⇓

- It's supposed to be crushed. - Give him some swag.

#117

⇓

- It's supposed to be crushed. - Give him some swag.

#117

⇓

- This is for wiping yourself down. - Thanks.

#118

⇓

- This is for wiping yourself down. - Thanks.

#118

⇓

- Okay, man. - All right, my man.

#119

⇓

- Okay, man. - All right, my man.

#119

⇓

- Thanks, guys. Good luck with that. - Yeah.

#120

⇓

- Thanks, guys. Good luck with that. - Yeah.

#120

⇓

- Hello? - Hello? Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Felder?

#121

⇓

- Hello? - Hello? Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Felder?

#121

⇓

Oh, Cowboy! Hey!

#122

⇓

Oh, Cowboy! Hey!

#122

⇓

- Oh! - Oh!

#123

⇓

- Oh! - Oh!

#123

⇓

- It's us, the Fight Milk guys. - Hey.

#124

⇓

- It's us, the Fight Milk guys. - Hey.

#124

⇓

Man, we love your drink. We just had some.

#125

⇓

Man, we love your drink. We just had some.

#125

⇓

Yeah, man, I'd get up and shake your hands

#126

⇓

Yeah, man, I'd get up and shake your hands

#126

⇓

if I wasn't shitting my brains out right now.

#127

⇓

if I wasn't shitting my brains out right now.

#127

⇓

- Oh, no. That's cool. - No, no, that's fine, yeah.

#128

⇓

- Oh, no. That's cool. - No, no, that's fine, yeah.

#128

⇓

So, Fight Milk makes you sick?

#129

⇓

So, Fight Milk makes you sick?

#129

⇓

Makes you expel all body fluids.

#130

⇓

Makes you expel all body fluids.

#130

⇓

Sweat, piss, and shit. We got these weigh-ins coming up.

#131

⇓

Sweat, piss, and shit. We got these weigh-ins coming up.

#131

⇓

Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

#132

⇓

Nothing cuts weight like Fight Milk.

#132

⇓

You're using it to cut weight, huh?

#133

⇓

You're using it to cut weight, huh?

#133

⇓

They should give you guys a Nobel--

#134

⇓

They should give you guys a Nobel--

#134

⇓

Oh, I just puked on my dick!

#135

⇓

Oh, I just puked on my dick!

#135

⇓

- Rock and roll. - All right, cool.

#136

⇓

- Rock and roll. - All right, cool.

#136

⇓

- Well, uh... - Rock and roll, yeah.

#137

⇓

- Well, uh... - Rock and roll, yeah.

#137

⇓

We just got you some merch.

#138

⇓

We just got you some merch.

#138

⇓

Um...

#139

⇓

Um...

#139

⇓

Yeah, water bottle for when you feel better, and...

#140

⇓

Yeah, water bottle for when you feel better, and...

#140

⇓

- We should, uh... - Yeah.

#141

⇓

- We should, uh... - Yeah.

#141

⇓

Keep drinking the drink that makes you guys throw up, and...

#142

⇓

Keep drinking the drink that makes you guys throw up, and...

#142

⇓

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, God!

#143

⇓

- Oh! Oh! - Oh, God!

#143

⇓

- You guys ready? - We are.

#144

⇓

- You guys ready? - We are.

#144

⇓

This is our opportunity to control our message to the public.

#145

⇓

This is our opportunity to control our message to the public.

#145

⇓

And I think how we do that is soften their brand.

#146

⇓

And I think how we do that is soften their brand.

#146

⇓

- Whose brand? - Boko Haram.

#147

⇓

- Whose brand? - Boko Haram.

#147

⇓

- What? - Wait, stop.

#148

⇓

- What? - Wait, stop.

#148

⇓

Frank, you want to change the perception of a global terrorist organization?

#149

⇓

Frank, you want to change the perception of a global terrorist organization?

#149

⇓

Yeah. I've got many facts to do it.

#150

⇓

Yeah. I've got many facts to do it.

#150

⇓

No. Put your facts away. We're just here to apologize, bozo.

#151

⇓

No. Put your facts away. We're just here to apologize, bozo.

#151

⇓

No, hold on a second. We're not here to apologize, either.

#152

⇓

No, hold on a second. We're not here to apologize, either.

#152

⇓

You never apologize.

#153

⇓

You never apologize.

#153

⇓

We're just here to take responsibility, but for nothing specific.

#154

⇓

We're just here to take responsibility, but for nothing specific.

#154

⇓

All that matters is that consumers feel their voices are being heard.

#155

⇓

All that matters is that consumers feel their voices are being heard.

#155

⇓

No. You say you're sorry, and then you just move on.

#156

⇓

No. You say you're sorry, and then you just move on.

#156

⇓

No, actually, you don't say anything. But you do have a very important job.

#157

⇓

No, actually, you don't say anything. But you do have a very important job.

#157

⇓

To say nothing and stand behind me.

#158

⇓

To say nothing and stand behind me.

#158

⇓

You see, audiences are gonna trust me over you because you're a woman,

#159

⇓

You see, audiences are gonna trust me over you because you're a woman,

#159

⇓

and, by definition, shrill.

#160

⇓

and, by definition, shrill.

#160

⇓

No. Women identify with women in power.

#161

⇓

No. Women identify with women in power.

#161

⇓

Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power.

#162

⇓

Oh, no, Dee. Women hate other women in power.

#162

⇓

- I'm threatened by 'em. - Everyone is.

#163

⇓

- I'm threatened by 'em. - Everyone is.

#163

⇓

Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.

#164

⇓

Now, objectify yourself and humanize me.

#164

⇓

Hmm.

#165

⇓

Hmm.

#165

⇓

And here to tell their side of the story is the team from Wolf Cola.

#166

⇓

And here to tell their side of the story is the team from Wolf Cola.

#166

⇓

- Thanks for coming in. - Thank you for having us, Chet.

#167

⇓

- Thanks for coming in. - Thank you for having us, Chet.

#167

⇓

We at Wolf Cola were as shocked and saddened by this news

#168

⇓

We at Wolf Cola were as shocked and saddened by this news

#168

⇓

as everyone else.

#169

⇓

as everyone else.

#169

⇓

Uh, this, by no means, reflects our ideals as a premium soda company.

#170

⇓

Uh, this, by no means, reflects our ideals as a premium soda company.

#170

⇓

We're a family-run business,

#171

⇓

We're a family-run business,

#171

⇓

and we really care about people's concerns.

#172

⇓

and we really care about people's concerns.

#172

⇓

Listen, the point is, we have heard you all,

#173

⇓

Listen, the point is, we have heard you all,

#173

⇓

and we are working tirelessly to remedy this situation.

#174

⇓

and we are working tirelessly to remedy this situation.

#174

⇓

Not an easy situation, indeed, but handled with grace and aplomb.

#175

⇓

Not an easy situation, indeed, but handled with grace and aplomb.

#175

⇓

Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. It looks like you're already getting good feedback.

#176

⇓

Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. It looks like you're already getting good feedback.

#176

⇓

That's great. Well, thank you, Chet.

#177

⇓

That's great. Well, thank you, Chet.

#177

⇓

- And I want to say thank you to America. - And also, we're sorry.

#178

⇓

- And I want to say thank you to America. - And also, we're sorry.

#178

⇓

We accept full responsibility for this heinous mistake,

#179

⇓

We accept full responsibility for this heinous mistake,

#179

⇓

and please know that I am actively firing people as we speak,

#180

⇓

and please know that I am actively firing people as we speak,

#180

⇓

because I am the boss.

#181

⇓

because I am the boss.

#181

⇓

Bitch.

#182

⇓

Bitch.

#182

⇓

- That's good to know. - Yes.

#183

⇓

- That's good to know. - Yes.

#183

⇓

- Next up, a heroic tale... - You know what, Chet, can I say something?

#184

⇓

- Next up, a heroic tale... - You know what, Chet, can I say something?

#184

⇓

I think we've said enough.

#185

⇓

I think we've said enough.

#185

⇓

I think you gotta understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11.

#186

⇓

I think you gotta understand that Boko Haram did not do 9/11.

#186

⇓

That was al-Qaeda.

#187

⇓

That was al-Qaeda.

#187

⇓

Paris, that was done by ISIS.

#188

⇓

Paris, that was done by ISIS.

#188

⇓

Boko Haram is just concentrating... They're doing Africa.

#189

⇓

Boko Haram is just concentrating... They're doing Africa.

#189

⇓

There's mosquitos down there

#190

⇓

There's mosquitos down there

#190

⇓

that are bigger terrorists than Boko Haram.

#191

⇓

that are bigger terrorists than Boko Haram.

#191

⇓

We're gonna take a break.

#192

⇓

We're gonna take a break.

#192

⇓

And the 24-hour news cycle starts again.

#193

⇓

And the 24-hour news cycle starts again.

#193

⇓

- Way to go, assholes. - I made good points.

#194

⇓

- Way to go, assholes. - I made good points.

#194

⇓

Jesus Christ. I'm just getting eviscerated online.

#195

⇓

Jesus Christ. I'm just getting eviscerated online.

#195

⇓

People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch,

#196

⇓

People calling me a bitch, flat-chested bitch,

#196

⇓

pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

#197

⇓

pretty much everybody wanting to rape me.

#197

⇓

You opened that door the second you apologized. Don't you see?

#198

⇓

You opened that door the second you apologized. Don't you see?

#198

⇓

People need an outlet to unleash their rage.

#199

⇓

People need an outlet to unleash their rage.

#199

⇓

Now social media will come down on you

#200

⇓

Now social media will come down on you

#200

⇓

with the fury of a middle-aged man who's accomplished nothing.

#201

⇓

with the fury of a middle-aged man who's accomplished nothing.

#201

⇓

- Hi-yo! - What's up, bitches?

#202

⇓

- Hi-yo! - What's up, bitches?

#202

⇓

- What's that? What do you got? - Crow traps, baby. Look.

#203

⇓

- What's that? What do you got? - Crow traps, baby. Look.

#203

⇓

Fight Milk is boomin'.

#204

⇓

Fight Milk is boomin'.

#204

⇓

Apparently, people are using it to lose weight.

#205

⇓

Apparently, people are using it to lose weight.

#205

⇓

Now, we're gonna lean into that new market,

#206

⇓

Now, we're gonna lean into that new market,

#206

⇓

- and rebrand the product. - Mm-hmm.

#207

⇓

- and rebrand the product. - Mm-hmm.

#207

⇓

I like this rebranding idea.

#208

⇓

I like this rebranding idea.

#208

⇓

That's what I gotta do. I gotta rebrand my product.

#209

⇓

That's what I gotta do. I gotta rebrand my product.

#209

⇓

You guys, the problem is, I just ooze sexuality.

#210

⇓

You guys, the problem is, I just ooze sexuality.

#210

⇓

Well, you ooze.

#211

⇓

Well, you ooze.

#211

⇓

A real woman of power, she exudes no sexuality at all.

#212

⇓

A real woman of power, she exudes no sexuality at all.

#212

⇓

That's true.

#213

⇓

That's true.

#213

⇓

I think we gotta focus on not losing Boko Haram.

#214

⇓

I think we gotta focus on not losing Boko Haram.

#214

⇓

That's a good business.

#215

⇓

That's a good business.

#215

⇓

The fastest-growing marketplace is Muslim extremists.

#216

⇓

The fastest-growing marketplace is Muslim extremists.

#216

⇓

We're not going into business with terrorists. Are you crazy?

#217

⇓

We're not going into business with terrorists. Are you crazy?

#217

⇓

Look, we need to get back on TV immediately,

#218

⇓

Look, we need to get back on TV immediately,

#218

⇓

and control the goddamn narrative.

#219

⇓

and control the goddamn narrative.

#219

⇓

Speaking of TV, we'll be doing a little controlling of our narrative.

#220

⇓

Speaking of TV, we'll be doing a little controlling of our narrative.

#220

⇓

- You guys mind clearing out? - This is now our set.

#221

⇓

- You guys mind clearing out? - This is now our set.

#221

⇓

Come on, we got work to do. Let's go.

#222

⇓

Come on, we got work to do. Let's go.

#222

⇓

- Don't forget your phone, idiot. - Yep.

#223

⇓

- Don't forget your phone, idiot. - Yep.

#223

⇓

Three, two, one!

#224

⇓

Three, two, one!

#224

⇓

- What up! - What up!

#225

⇓

- What up! - What up!

#225

⇓

- Are you fat? - You probably are,

#226

⇓

- Are you fat? - You probably are,

#226

⇓

- 'cause you're watching TV! - Or Internet.

#227

⇓

- 'cause you're watching TV! - Or Internet.

#227

⇓

Fight Milk! Rebrand!

#228

⇓

Fight Milk! Rebrand!

#228

⇓

Let's talk about women's bodies.

#229

⇓

Let's talk about women's bodies.

#229

⇓

I like women.

#230

⇓

I like women.

#230

⇓

It's easy for us men. We have four acceptable body types.

#231

⇓

It's easy for us men. We have four acceptable body types.

#231

⇓

Skinny ripped, jack ripped, dad bod,

#232

⇓

Skinny ripped, jack ripped, dad bod,

#232

⇓

and fat, if you're funny.

#233

⇓

and fat, if you're funny.

#233

⇓

It's a landslide!

#234

⇓

It's a landslide!

#234

⇓

As we all know, women only have one acceptable body type.

#235

⇓

As we all know, women only have one acceptable body type.

#235

⇓

Skinny, big tits!

#236

⇓

Skinny, big tits!

#236

⇓

New evidence is suggesting that all this science inside one crow's egg

#237

⇓

New evidence is suggesting that all this science inside one crow's egg

#237

⇓

can scientifically make your breasts larger.

#238

⇓

can scientifically make your breasts larger.

#238

⇓

Watch the enzymes enlargify your breasts.

#239

⇓

Watch the enzymes enlargify your breasts.

#239

⇓

Wanna hear more about it? The science--

#240

⇓

Wanna hear more about it? The science--

#240

⇓

Aah!

#241

⇓

Aah!

#241

⇓

No nerds! Fight Milk!

#242

⇓

No nerds! Fight Milk!

#242

⇓

Finally, there's a crow-based protein alcoholic drink for you.

#243

⇓

Finally, there's a crow-based protein alcoholic drink for you.

#243

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#244

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#244

⇓

- Well, what do you guys think? - I don't get it.

#245

⇓

- Well, what do you guys think? - I don't get it.

#245

⇓

'Cause you're a stupid ring girl. It couldn't be simpler.

#246

⇓

'Cause you're a stupid ring girl. It couldn't be simpler.

#246

⇓

Look, take it easy.

#247

⇓

Look, take it easy.

#247

⇓

Basically, we're trying to expand our product to the world of UFC women,

#248

⇓

Basically, we're trying to expand our product to the world of UFC women,

#248

⇓

and look, ring girls are the perfect combo.

#249

⇓

and look, ring girls are the perfect combo.

#249

⇓

Yeah. Honestly, ladies,

#250

⇓

Yeah. Honestly, ladies,

#250

⇓

you could afford to lose a few pounds, maybe in this area.

#251

⇓

you could afford to lose a few pounds, maybe in this area.

#251

⇓

- Well... - Or here.

#252

⇓

- Well... - Or here.

#252

⇓

Really, between the three of you,

#253

⇓

Really, between the three of you,

#253

⇓

we could open up a bakery with all the muffin tops I'm seeing.

#254

⇓

we could open up a bakery with all the muffin tops I'm seeing.

#254

⇓

Now, Fight Milk will help you lose those unwanted pounds,

#255

⇓

Now, Fight Milk will help you lose those unwanted pounds,

#255

⇓

so you don't have to resort to surgery, which could cause scarring,

#256

⇓

so you don't have to resort to surgery, which could cause scarring,

#256

⇓

and make you even less attractive to men than you already are.

#257

⇓

and make you even less attractive to men than you already are.

#257

⇓

- I feel like-- - I'm sorry.

#258

⇓

- I feel like-- - I'm sorry.

#258

⇓

My friend has really weird women issues.

#259

⇓

My friend has really weird women issues.

#259

⇓

I didn't realize he brought a laser pointer.

#260

⇓

I didn't realize he brought a laser pointer.

#260

⇓

The point is you guys could look even better if you drank Fight Milk.

#261

⇓

The point is you guys could look even better if you drank Fight Milk.

#261

⇓

We're not into your weird diarrhea drink.

#262

⇓

We're not into your weird diarrhea drink.

#262

⇓

Right. It's not a diarrhea drink. It's...

#263

⇓

Right. It's not a diarrhea drink. It's...

#263

⇓

Charlie, this isn't the dream that I had for Fight Milk.

#264

⇓

Charlie, this isn't the dream that I had for Fight Milk.

#264

⇓

No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

#265

⇓

No! We're not the diarrhea guys.

#265

⇓

- No! - That's not what I wanna be.

#266

⇓

- No! - That's not what I wanna be.

#266

⇓

It's not for women! It was never made for women!

#267

⇓

It's not for women! It was never made for women!

#267

⇓

But it'd be great if women also drank it.

#268

⇓

But it'd be great if women also drank it.

#268

⇓

The dream was to create a muscle-up energy drink

#269

⇓

The dream was to create a muscle-up energy drink

#269

⇓

that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

#270

⇓

that gave you the power to fight like a crow!

#270

⇓

- Yes! - Men!

#271

⇓

- Yes! - Men!

#271

⇓

Or women, but yes. But definitely crow-power fighting skills.

#272

⇓

Or women, but yes. But definitely crow-power fighting skills.

#272

⇓

- Absolutely. - Either way,

#273

⇓

- Absolutely. - Either way,

#273

⇓

I think we gotta get back to the lab.

#274

⇓

I think we gotta get back to the lab.

#274

⇓

I think we gotta get some more crows.

#275

⇓

I think we gotta get some more crows.

#275

⇓

From dog fighting to finding a loving home.

#276

⇓

From dog fighting to finding a loving home.

#276

⇓

Amazing.

#277

⇓

Amazing.

#277

⇓

Now, who wouldn't want to adopt a little guy like this?

#278

⇓

Now, who wouldn't want to adopt a little guy like this?

#278

⇓

Well said, Mike. Great story.

#279

⇓

Well said, Mike. Great story.

#279

⇓

Now, a local soda company is back in hot water

#280

⇓

Now, a local soda company is back in hot water

#280

⇓

with controversial remarks.

#281

⇓

with controversial remarks.

#281

⇓

Returning to talk about it today is the team from Wolf Cola.

#282

⇓

Returning to talk about it today is the team from Wolf Cola.

#282

⇓

Thank you so much for having us back, Chet.

#283

⇓

Thank you so much for having us back, Chet.

#283

⇓

We at Wolf Cola are not just about making a satisfying soda.

#284

⇓

We at Wolf Cola are not just about making a satisfying soda.

#284

⇓

We are about making satisfied customers. We do acknowledge consumers' concerns.

#285

⇓

We are about making satisfied customers. We do acknowledge consumers' concerns.

#285

⇓

Yes, but we are not apologizing.

#286

⇓

Yes, but we are not apologizing.

#286

⇓

- Right. - Sorry.

#287

⇓

- Right. - Sorry.

#287

⇓

I'm just here to humanize him.

#288

⇓

I'm just here to humanize him.

#288

⇓

- To support me. - To support him.

#289

⇓

- To support me. - To support him.

#289

⇓

Support me.

#290

⇓

Support me.

#290

⇓

Chet, we'd also like to announce that for every can of Wolf Cola sold,

#291

⇓

Chet, we'd also like to announce that for every can of Wolf Cola sold,

#291

⇓

a portion of the proceeds will be going to a charity

#292

⇓

a portion of the proceeds will be going to a charity

#292

⇓

that supports African people.

#293

⇓

that supports African people.

#293

⇓

All Africans,

#294

⇓

All Africans,

#294

⇓

even our friends at Boko Haram, because they are people, too.

#295

⇓

even our friends at Boko Haram, because they are people, too.

#295

⇓

- We don't discriminate. - Right.

#296

⇓

- We don't discriminate. - Right.

#296

⇓

Yeah, look, Chet, if I may address the public directly?

#297

⇓

Yeah, look, Chet, if I may address the public directly?

#297

⇓

- By all means. - Okay.

#298

⇓

- By all means. - Okay.

#298

⇓

Um, I assure you that we have righted this ship,

#299

⇓

Um, I assure you that we have righted this ship,

#299

⇓

and we are taking every step necessary to address all of your concerns.

#300

⇓

and we are taking every step necessary to address all of your concerns.

#300

⇓

We at Wolf Cola hope to be a part

#301

⇓

We at Wolf Cola hope to be a part

#301

⇓

of your family's daily refreshment for years to come.

#302

⇓

of your family's daily refreshment for years to come.

#302

⇓

And we can say that without saying I'm sorry.

#303

⇓

Mr. Reynolds, it sounds like Wolf Cola has the right man in charge.

#304

⇓

I appreciate that.

#305

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#306

⇓

I thought the dog segment was done. What the hell's this?

#307

⇓

Looks like we got a lovable little guy loose in the studio here.

#308

⇓

Yeah. Can we get him out of here? Great. Thanks.

#309

⇓

Not a dog lover, Mr. Reynolds?

#310

⇓

If you're asking me if I like wild animals slobbering all over me,

#311

⇓

then I guess I'm not really a dog lover, then.

#312

⇓

Wow. I've never met a person who doesn't like dogs before.

#313

⇓

Yeah, well, there are plenty of us out there,

#314

⇓

Chet, trust me. We're just afraid to admit it,

#315

⇓

because we feel like we'll be judged by people like you.

#316

⇓

- Let's take a break. - Actually, I'm not done.

#317

⇓

- Chet, are you a vegetarian by any chance? - No.

#318

⇓

So you're a hypocrite.

#319

⇓

I find that most people that whine about dog fights

#320

⇓

are actually the same people going to football games and UFC fights,

#321

⇓

watching human beings beat the shit out of each other

#322

⇓

while eating fried chicken.

#323

⇓

Wait, are you saying you're an animal rights activist?

#324

⇓

No, I'm actually the opposite.

#325

⇓

I can't imagine a bigger waste of people's time and energy.

#326

⇓

If you can eat fried chicken, then I should be able to eat fried dog.

#327

⇓

I should be able to eat a bucket of fried dog at a chicken fight.

#328

⇓

All I'm saying is, look, let's just, you know, let's be consistent.

#329

⇓

How you feeling? You've been pounding that new formula?

#330

⇓

I see you doing it.

#331

⇓

Yeah, and we're not doing so good, asshole,

#332

⇓

'cause nothing's coming out of me. My trash can's empty.

#333

⇓

We're scared to shit we ain't gonna make weight.

#334

⇓

- Guys, don't worry. - Don't worry.

#335

⇓

This is all a part of our two-step process, all right?

#336

⇓

Right now, you're crow loading.

#337

⇓

You've drank about four or five entire crows,

#338

⇓

'cause I'm grinding one up for every bottle at this point.

#339

⇓

It's that crow enzyme that's jacking you up,

#340

⇓

and that's why you look so beefy and so handsome.

#341

⇓

Then what will happen is you start drinking the Fight Milk Classic,

#342

⇓

and that will make you really sick,

#343

⇓

'cause that's just the crow eggs and some fecal matter.

#344

⇓

So, you start to puke and be fine for the weigh-in.

#345

⇓

You'll be puking on your dick in no time.

#346

⇓

That one's real nasty. Don't worry. You'll make weight at the weigh-in.

#347

⇓

All I know is, we don't make weight, I'm killing you both.

#348

⇓

- Yeah. All right. - That's fine.

#349

⇓

We're gonna be... We're good. All right, guys, go kick ass.

#350

⇓

Remember, that's the nasty one. Drink that one. That one's got a real...

#351

⇓

All right, let's bring out the first fighter, Cub Swanson.

#352

⇓

- We gotta get him on Fight Milk. - Yeah.

#353

⇓

We gotta get him drinking it.

#354

⇓

Up next, the challenger, Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone.

#355

⇓

- Cowboy! - Yeah!

#356

⇓

Yes!

#357

⇓

This is it, dude. If he makes weight,

#358

⇓

it's gonna change Fight Milk and our lives forever.

#359

⇓

I know, but if he doesn't, we're bolting.

#360

⇓

Yeah. I've already scoped out every single exit.

#361

⇓

Cowboy! Cowboy! - 155.

#362

⇓

Yes!

#363

⇓

Yeah. We did it!

#364

⇓

- We're gonna be rich! - We did it! Let's go.

#365

⇓

Cowboy, how you feeling right now?

#366

⇓

I'm feeling good. Ready to put on a show for all these guys.

#367

⇓

What the hell is going on? Who are these guys?

#368

⇓

I'd like to take the opportunity to thank Fight Milk.

#369

⇓

Yes, and thank you, Cowboy, and thank you, Megan.

#370

⇓

We'd like to take this opportunity to announce

#371

⇓

that Fight Milk is now the official drink of the UFC.

#372

⇓

- Now, if you're in-- - No, no.

#373

⇓

This is not the official drink of the UFC.

#374

⇓

And I don't know who these guys are.

#375

⇓

- Security, get these assholes out of here! - Fight Milk!

#376

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#377

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#378

⇓

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

#379

⇓

The nationwide hatred of Wolf Cola

#380

⇓

continues to intensify on an hourly basis...

#381

⇓

Holy shit. We're getting hammered worse than before.

#382

⇓

Bye-bye, Frank's Fluids.

#383

⇓

Turns out there are two things that can't be forgiven,

#384

⇓

raping children and disliking dogs.

#385

⇓

What will I do with all the merchandise?

#386

⇓

Throw it in the garbage, burn it. Who gives a shit?

#387

⇓

We're done. Fight Milk shit the bed.

#388

⇓

What happened?

#389

⇓

Breaking news from the sports world.

#390

⇓

Fighters at a UFC event in Philly

#391

⇓

tested positive for several banned substances,

#392

⇓

stemming from an energy drink called Fight Milk.

#393

⇓

We pumped it full of human growth hormone.

#394

⇓

Just nothing else was working. It was just giving people diarrhea.

#395

⇓

- Mm. - Ugh.

#396

⇓

Starting to become known as the official drink of the UFC,

#397

⇓

this Fight Milk is a serious smudge for the group,

#398

⇓

and a potential public relations nightmare.

#399

⇓

Holy shit. Holy shit.

#400

⇓

- What? - Guys, this is good.

#401

⇓

We're freed, and they are screwed.

#402

⇓

This is actually the one good thing about the 24-hour news cycle.

#403

⇓

If you give it enough time, something new will come along

#404

⇓

to replace people's old outrage with new outrage.

#405

⇓

Not much is known about Fight Milk,

#406

⇓

except that it's made right here in Philadelphia

#407

⇓

by a parent company known as Frank's Fluids.

#408

⇓

Goddamn it!

#409

⇓

- Start the clock. - Yeah.

#410

⇓