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» S02E03 — Bad News
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Season 2, Episode 3 — Bad News
I also sleep with a weighted blanket
#1
⇓
I also sleep with a weighted blanket
#1
⇓
I also sleep with a weighted blanket
#1
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'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me,
#2
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'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me,
#2
⇓
'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me,
#2
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but I don't have to have hair in my mouth,
#3
⇓
but I don't have to have hair in my mouth,
#3
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so I sleep with a weighted blanket,
#4
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so I sleep with a weighted blanket,
#4
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which also helps with wet dreams.
#5
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which also helps with wet dreams.
#5
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And by help, I mean it causes them, so...
#6
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And by help, I mean it causes them, so...
#6
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Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams,
#7
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Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams,
#7
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shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that.
#8
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shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that.
#8
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You know, Christina said I have great balls.
#9
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You know, Christina said I have great balls.
#9
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Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about."
#10
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Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about."
#10
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We're not supposed to be married.
#11
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We're not supposed to be married.
#11
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Right?
#12
⇓
Right?
#12
⇓
They're here.
#13
⇓
They're here.
#13
⇓
What's here?
#14
⇓
What's here?
#14
⇓
My merch.
#15
⇓
My merch.
#15
⇓
You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch?
#16
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You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch?
#16
⇓
Yeah, man.
#17
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Yeah, man.
#17
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It's a big day.
#18
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It's a big day.
#18
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Wait, what?
#19
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Wait, what?
#19
⇓
Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it,
#20
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Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it,
#20
⇓
make a little extra scratch?
#21
⇓
make a little extra scratch?
#21
⇓
Yeah, I remember that.
#22
⇓
Yeah, I remember that.
#22
⇓
I went with weighted blankets.
#23
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I went with weighted blankets.
#23
⇓
- Weighted blankets? - Yeah.
#24
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- Weighted blankets? - Yeah.
#24
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'Cause they make you nut.
#25
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'Cause they make you nut.
#25
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Wait, are you ser--
#26
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Wait, are you ser--
#26
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Is this truck really full of weighted blankets?
#27
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Is this truck really full of weighted blankets?
#27
⇓
Yeah.
#28
⇓
Yeah.
#28
⇓
Kirk... merch for comedy shows
#29
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Kirk... merch for comedy shows
#29
⇓
is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies.
#30
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is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies.
#30
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They love my weighted blanket bit.
#31
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They love my weighted blanket bit.
#31
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Honestly, it's not even really a bit.
#32
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Honestly, it's not even really a bit.
#32
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You just kind of have a couple lines about it.
#33
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You just kind of have a couple lines about it.
#33
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Wait, how much do they weigh?
#34
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Wait, how much do they weigh?
#34
⇓
Hundred and twenty-five.
#35
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Hundred and twenty-five.
#35
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Pounds?
#36
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Pounds?
#36
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Yeah.
#37
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Yeah.
#37
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I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds.
#38
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I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds.
#38
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I wanted to stand out.
#39
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I wanted to stand out.
#39
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Dude, you wear a hat at every show.
#40
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Dude, you wear a hat at every show.
#40
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You don't think a Kirk Fox... hat is a good idea?
#41
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You don't think a Kirk Fox... hat is a good idea?
#41
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Yeah, weighted hats.
#42
⇓
Yeah, weighted hats.
#42
⇓
No, what... what is your deal with weighted stuff?
#43
⇓
No, what... what is your deal with weighted stuff?
#43
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Kirk, how many of these did you order?
#44
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Kirk, how many of these did you order?
#44
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400,000 worth.
#45
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400,000 worth.
#45
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What?
#46
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What?
#46
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Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order.
#47
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Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order.
#47
⇓
Four hundred grand?
#48
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Four hundred grand?
#48
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Got an equity line on the house.
#49
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Got an equity line on the house.
#49
⇓
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
#50
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- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
#50
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What the fuck is wrong with you?
#51
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What the fuck is wrong with you?
#51
⇓
I've never been clearer.
#52
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I've never been clearer.
#52
⇓
- Did you tell them? - That they'll nut?
#53
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- Did you tell them? - That they'll nut?
#53
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Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it.
#54
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Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it.
#54
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- Everyone's super confused. - You gotta take it off the table!
#55
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- Everyone's super confused. - You gotta take it off the table!
#55
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You gotta demonstrate.
#56
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You gotta demonstrate.
#56
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Kirk Fox makes you come.
#57
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Kirk Fox makes you come.
#57
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I tried, but it's too heavy.
#58
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I tried, but it's too heavy.
#58
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I mean, I had both knees replaced last month.
#59
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I mean, I had both knees replaced last month.
#59
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I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch.
#60
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I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch.
#60
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How's it going, man?
#61
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How's it going, man?
#61
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Well, she's not showing them how to use it.
#62
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Well, she's not showing them how to use it.
#62
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You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that.
#63
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You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that.
#63
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It's a blanket. People get it.
#64
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It's a blanket. People get it.
#64
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It's a weighted blanket.
#65
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It's a weighted blanket.
#65
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Right, I forgot that.
#66
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Right, I forgot that.
#66
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If you lay down like this,
#67
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If you lay down like this,
#67
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it's a weighted blanket.
#68
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it's a weighted blanket.
#68
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Give me one.
#69
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Give me one.
#69
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Do you need a hand?
#70
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Do you need a hand?
#70
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Oh my God.
#71
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Oh my God.
#71
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Jesus!
#72
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Jesus!
#72
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Oh my God. Are you okay?
#73
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Oh my God. Are you okay?
#73
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This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse
#74
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This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse
#74
⇓
to sell blankets, man.
#75
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to sell blankets, man.
#75
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- Let me help you up. - You're fine.
#76
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- Let me help you up. - You're fine.
#76
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She's not fine.
#77
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She's not fine.
#77
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- Quit your whining. - Can we get some help over here?
#78
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- Quit your whining. - Can we get some help over here?
#78
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- Get her to a medic. - Shut up.
#79
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- Get her to a medic. - Shut up.
#79
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This way.
#80
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This way.
#80
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Kirk, this is a shit show, man.
#81
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Kirk, this is a shit show, man.
#81
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I just need more time.
#82
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I just need more time.
#82
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I don't think time's the issue.
#83
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I don't think time's the issue.
#83
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It's your dumb fucking idea.
#84
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It's your dumb fucking idea.
#84
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That's the problem.
#85
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That's the problem.
#85
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Shit.
#86
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Shit.
#86
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Tom.
#87
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Tom.
#87
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I fucked up, man.
#88
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I fucked up, man.
#88
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That's what I've been saying, man.
#89
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That's what I've been saying, man.
#89
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This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea.
#90
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This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea.
#90
⇓
Oh fuck!
#91
⇓
Oh fuck!
#91
⇓
Goddamn it.
#92
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Goddamn it.
#92
⇓
Please help me, man. Please help me.
#93
⇓
Please help me, man. Please help me.
#93
⇓
I thought I had it, man.
#94
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I thought I had it, man.
#94
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I thought I had it. I felt it.
#95
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I thought I had it. I felt it.
#95
⇓
iPhones.
#96
⇓
iPhones.
#96
⇓
Uncrustables.
#97
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Uncrustables.
#97
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Nut blankets.
#98
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Nut blankets.
#98
⇓
The big three.
#99
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The big three.
#99
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Did you just compare these to iPhones?
#100
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Did you just compare these to iPhones?
#100
⇓
Fuck!
#101
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Fuck!
#101
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This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with.
#102
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This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with.
#102
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It's a really bad idea.
#103
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It's a really bad idea.
#103
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My entire life savings went into this.
#104
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My entire life savings went into this.
#104
⇓
I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless.
#105
⇓
I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless.
#105
⇓
I joke about being homeless.
#106
⇓
I joke about being homeless.
#106
⇓
"Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim."
#107
⇓
"Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim."
#107
⇓
"I need a shower every night."
#108
⇓
"I need a shower every night."
#108
⇓
- "I just look dirty. I'm clean." - All right, take a deep breath.
#109
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- "I just look dirty. I'm clean." - All right, take a deep breath.
#109
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Just listen.
#110
⇓
Just listen.
#110
⇓
- We'll figure it out. - How? How?
#111
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- We'll figure it out. - How? How?
#111
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I'm fucking toast, bro.
#112
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I'm fucking toast, bro.
#112
⇓
I'll reimburse you
#113
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I'll reimburse you
#113
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for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent.
#114
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for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent.
#114
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Five hundred. I lied.
#115
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Five hundred. I lied.
#115
⇓
Okay... I'll reimburse you
#116
⇓
Okay... I'll reimburse you
#116
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for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets,
#117
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for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets,
#117
⇓
and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay?
#118
⇓
and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay?
#118
⇓
You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way.
#119
⇓
You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way.
#119
⇓
- I love you. - I love you too.
#120
⇓
- I love you. - I love you too.
#120
⇓
And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets.
#121
⇓
And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets.
#121
⇓
However you wanna do it.
#122
⇓
However you wanna do it.
#122
⇓
- I'll get rid of these. - Yes.
#123
⇓
- I'll get rid of these. - Yes.
#123
⇓
Just figure something out.
#124
⇓
Just figure something out.
#124
⇓
How's it going?
#125
⇓
How's it going?
#125
⇓
Oh, hey.
#126
⇓
Oh, hey.
#126
⇓
If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine.
#127
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If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine.
#127
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But when you're downstage center--
#128
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But when you're downstage center--
#128
⇓
You're welcome!
#129
⇓
You're welcome!
#129
⇓
You like that?
#130
⇓
You like that?
#130
⇓
Get that one. Get it in there.
#131
⇓
Get that one. Get it in there.
#131
⇓
I'm trying.
#132
⇓
I'm trying.
#132
⇓
Any nut allergies?
#133
⇓
Any nut allergies?
#133
⇓
Weighted blankets for all!
#134
⇓
Weighted blankets for all!
#134
⇓
Kirk! What the fuck are you doing?
#135
⇓
Kirk! What the fuck are you doing?
#135
⇓
Thank you, Tom.
#136
⇓
Thank you, Tom.
#136
⇓
He's fucking lost it.
#137
⇓
He's fucking lost it.
#137
⇓
Kirk Fox. Tell your friends.
#138
⇓
Kirk Fox. Tell your friends.
#138
⇓
Breaking news out of Hollywood, California now.
#139
⇓
Breaking news out of Hollywood, California now.
#139
⇓
A stand-up comedian has been arrested on multiple counts of homicide,
#140
⇓
assault, and terrorism.
#141
⇓
His name, Tom Segura.
#142
⇓
Seven people were brutally murdered and thousands traumatized
#143
⇓
when an unnamed man that Segura hired began shooting audience members
#144
⇓
with what's being described as a homemade projectile launcher.
#145
⇓
Bank statements and emails from Segura to the man
#146
⇓
show that Segura entirely funded the terrorist attack,
#147
⇓
paying the man $500,000.
#148
⇓
Segura is being held with no chance of parole
#149
⇓
and will likely be sentenced to death later this month.
#150
⇓
This comedian's brutal act is one that no one is laughing at.
#151
⇓
Well, turning now to a reunion three years in the making.
#152
⇓
A veteran and his military dog separated by thousands of miles
#153
⇓
about to see each other for the first time since deployment.
#154
⇓
You're gonna wanna grab a tissue for this one.
#155
⇓
Cecilia Nichols has the story.
#156
⇓
Army specialist Jake Thorton never forgot his partner,
#157
⇓
a nine-year-old Belgian Malinois named Bruno.
#158
⇓
Well, out there, it's just you and him.
#159
⇓
And he had my back every single day.
#160
⇓
From the very first moment, I trusted Bruno with Jake's life.
#161
⇓
For 18 months, the two spent hundreds of hours together
#162
⇓
on patrol in Iraq.
#163
⇓
But when Jake's deployment ended,
#164
⇓
Bruno still had years of service ahead of him,
#165
⇓
meaning Jake had to leave his partner behind with a new handler.
#166
⇓
That was, um, one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.
#167
⇓
It weighed on him when he came back.
#168
⇓
He really missed that dog.
#169
⇓
Jake never stopped hoping he would see Bruno again,
#170
⇓
waiting for the day his partner would finally retire from service.
#171
⇓
I don't know if he'll remember me.
#172
⇓
But I remember him.
#173
⇓
I remember him every single day.
#174
⇓
Well, we have someone here who has been waiting to see you.
#175
⇓
Are you ready?
#176
⇓
Yes, ma'am. I'm ready.
#177
⇓
Here he is!
#178
⇓
Hey, buddy. Hey.
#179
⇓
Bruno.
#180
⇓
I missed you so much.
#181
⇓
Hey, buddy. Hey.
#182
⇓
Hey, pal.
#183
⇓
Come here, Bruno.
#184
⇓
Jake, try not to move.
#185
⇓
Stop!
#186
⇓
Lower your heart rate. Jake! Control your breath!
#187
⇓
Jake! He thinks you're Taliban!
#188
⇓
Try and stop him!
#189
⇓
There's absolutely nothing I can do, ma'am. He outranks me.
#190
⇓
- Jake, I love you! - That's beautiful, ma'am.
#191
⇓
Not everybody experiences love in this world.
#192
⇓
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