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The Audacity (2026)
» S01E05 — Lamplighters
The Audacity (2026)
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Season 1, Episode 5 — Lamplighters
- In a few days, Carl Bardolph is set to invest
#1
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$300 million in Hyper-G.
#2
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- Alvin died. - The landlord?
#3
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Who owns our house now?
#4
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- You could pay all cash. We give it to you at listing.
#5
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You've been running a magnificent scam
#6
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on all your billionaire clients.
#7
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Now you're gonna dish all that dirt to me.
#8
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- Beautiful house, Duncan. - It was Hamish's.
#9
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We co-founded Fah-fa. He hanged himself.
#10
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- Call Nena. Put the rumors to bed.
#11
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- You seem riddled with guilt.
#12
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- Shut up!
#13
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Hello, Nena.
#14
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I'm calling to set the record straight on Hypergnosis.
#15
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[soft dramatic music]
#16
⇓
♪ ♪
#17
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- You should see the other guy.
#18
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- [chuckles]
#19
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- No, really.
#20
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I took everything from him.
#21
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[breathes deeply] Hmm.
#22
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[indistinct chatter]
#23
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♪ ♪
#24
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Good morning.
#25
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Morning. Hi. Morning.
#26
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Hey, guy.
#27
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Hey, buddy.
#28
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Why does your desk have a patina of, like,
#29
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crumbs and disrespect?
#30
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[blows]
#31
⇓
Hi.
#32
⇓
Hey, I need you to get it together today.
#33
⇓
It's Bardolph Day.
#34
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Carl Bardolph is on his way.
#35
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And what are you gonna say to a man like him, huh?
#36
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- Uh-- - Nothing!
#37
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Nothing. You're an NPC.
#38
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- I am an N-- - No, no, no. Don't.
#39
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NPCs don't talk.
#40
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Especially not when Bardolph's here, okay?
#41
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- Didn't he, like, invent spam?
#42
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- Excuse me?
#43
⇓
You are not fit to wipe the ass
#44
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of the guy who wipes Bardolph's ass.
#45
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And no, he didn't invent spam.
#46
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He made the platform which made it insanely profitable.
#47
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[laughs]
#48
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Yes, Bardolph invented the future, gnome!
#49
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Yeah. Yes.
#50
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Hey, bright, smiley faces today!
#51
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Yes! Yes. [applause]
#52
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[singer vocalizing dramatically]
#53
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♪ ♪
#54
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[applause]
#55
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Clean this up.
#56
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♪ ♪
#57
⇓
There's still some crumbs.
#58
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Hi.
#59
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Take photos.
#60
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Hey, Carl.
#61
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Carl, Carl, Carl, welcome.
#62
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Hey.
#63
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- Is that makeup?
#64
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Can I get some of that? - [laughs]
#65
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Did you see where Smote closed last night?
#66
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Up 17%. I hope you took that bet.
#67
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And don't forget to short it, then long it.
#68
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- Are you gonna tell me how you did it?
#69
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- Oh, look at you, beseeching me already--
#70
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and nonviolently.
#71
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I like that. I like this new you.
#72
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We'll show you everything once we settle on board seats.
#73
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Okay?
#74
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- Yes, on that, uh,
#75
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my main man here, uh, Stan--good man.
#76
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You met him last time.
#77
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What do you think about one seat for me
#78
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and one for my number two here?
#79
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- You let him call you that?
#80
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[chuckles] How about four?
#81
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We'll just do a whole dinner set.
#82
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- Two is appropriate.
#83
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- Oh, you'd really feel better with two,
#84
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but I would not.
#85
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But your enthusiasm for what we do
#86
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in the area of predictive making a fuck ton is noted.
#87
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- Perhaps we should, um,
#88
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hold off on the pictures while we figure this out.
#89
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We still have some questions.
#90
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[tense music]
#91
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- Do we still?
#92
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Then to the Duncan Den.
#93
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Follow me.
#94
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♪ ♪
#95
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Sit, sit, sit.
#96
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[sighs]
#97
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Can I get you a yerba mate?
#98
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How about a nitro tea? Huh? - Nope.
#99
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How about 300 million for two seats
#100
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and a 200% premium for half your voting shares?
#101
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Founder's Class.
#102
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- Nope, not giving up my Class A.
#103
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Enhanced voting rights are human rights, for me.
#104
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But one seat for 300 with performance milestones
#105
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towards a second.
#106
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- I think we are putting the cart
#107
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before the horseshit here. - [laughs]
#108
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- How did you know about Orlando?
#109
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Either that was some sort of trick or--
#110
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- No, it wasn't a trick at all.
#111
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- Then prove it.
#112
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- Like I said, once you're on board.
#113
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- I could be on board a giga yacht right now,
#114
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sipping a 300-year-old cognac
#115
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with an android Beverly D'Angelo.
#116
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But I'm here.
#117
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I just wanna look under the hood
#118
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before I buy the damn car.
#119
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- Carl, Carl, Carl, you are a legend,
#120
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a crotchety Jedi master.
#121
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And I want you inside too.
#122
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I do.
#123
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But, like, as a hunchbacked monk
#124
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whispering into the king's ear,
#125
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and of course, signaling to the streets
#126
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that we are worth the investment.
#127
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- No, no, no, no.
#128
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I have taken too much shrapnel
#129
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to be anybody's dancing bear.
#130
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- Duncan. - Period!
#131
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- Duncan. - Yes.
#132
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- Can--is it okay if Carl and I confab
#133
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on your couch over there?
#134
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- You're gonna get your number two
#135
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all over my couch?
#136
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- That's funny.
#137
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- [chuckling]
#138
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Of course. Of course.
#139
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[chuckles]
#140
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Give them room, guys. Yeah.
#141
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- [inhales sharply]
#142
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[tense music]
#143
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- [mouthing words]
#144
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- Gentlemen, we will be right back.
#145
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What? - Nena Marx.
#146
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- Did she die?
#147
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"A source at Cupertino has confirmed
#148
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"Hypergnosis is not being acquired by the tech giant.
#149
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CEO Duncan Park was suspect of leaking news of the buyout."
#150
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[gasps]
#151
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♪
#152
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Uh, can you kill the internet?
#153
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- Kill the-- - Kill the internet!
#154
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- I can turn off the Wi-Fi?
#155
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- Just--yeah.
#156
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- For a second there, I thought you were a unicorn.
#157
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Turns out, you're just a jackass
#158
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with a dildo taped to his head.
#159
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- This is just static, Carl.
#160
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A reporter just trying to stir the pot, you know.
#161
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You know and I know what Wall Street doesn't, okay?
#162
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I mean, the--the algo, the predictive algo?
#163
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Orlando?
#164
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How much money do you make, huh?
#165
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- Tim, hi.
#166
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Yeah.
#167
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Well, listen, you're a piece of shit too.
#168
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Uh-huh.
#169
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Yeah, I heard.
#170
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Is it true?
#171
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Meeting didn't even happen.
#172
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Dead in less than an hour.
#173
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Okay, thank you and eat me.
#174
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- Cupertino Tim? Really?
#175
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You hate him.
#176
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He's lying!
#177
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He--Carl, okay, two seats!
#178
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Two seats! Okay!
#179
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You're twisting my arm here.
#180
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What--what's our stock at now?
#181
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Huh? What's the price?
#182
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- Down 10%.
#183
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- Then jump on in.
#184
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Jump on in.
#185
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Grab the glory.
#186
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You know, stop that slide.
#187
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- You know, it all sounds a little bit too spry
#188
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for a hunchback monk like me.
#189
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- Listen. - Right?
#190
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- Listen, I--I am sorry.
#191
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I am sorry. You are Superman.
#192
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I'm--I'm Lois Lane, okay?
#193
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So how about you fly around the world, you know,
#194
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turn back time, kiss me back to life?
#195
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I--you know, I--
#196
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I am--I am--what am I doing?
#197
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[whispering] I am begging.
#198
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I am begging.
#199
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- [sniffing]
#200
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♪ ♪
#201
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[snorts] Oh, yeah.
#202
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It's been a while since I smelled man blood.
#203
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Nummy, nummy.
#204
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- [laughs] - Nice.
#205
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Stan, where's it at now?
#206
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- Same buy-in gets us 17% of the company.
#207
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Oh, hold on.
#208
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It's refreshing.
#209
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Nope, 18%.
#210
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- Listen, you--
#211
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you go down this route, you get nothing.
#212
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You lose me permanently.
#213
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- 19%.
#214
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- [breathing shakily] Nine--
#215
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- Hold on.
#216
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20.7%.
#217
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- Ooh, that's a nice slice of beef right there.
#218
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- But Duncan only owns 20%.
#219
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- Who's Duncan?
#220
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♪ ♪
#221
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- Duncan, um...
#222
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that's my phone.
#223
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- 20.9%.
#224
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- Okay, buy.
#225
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And, uh, okay, bye!
#226
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[door opens, closes]
#227
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[birds chirping]
#228
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[click, blender whirring] - Oh!
#229
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Must you?
#230
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[whirring]
#231
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- [sighs]
#232
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Good morning, Xander.
#233
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[chiming]
#234
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Hey.
#235
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What are you doing back there?
#236
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- Oh, hello, Martin.
#237
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I--I messed up.
#238
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- What's that on your forehead, buddy?
#239
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Come closer.
#240
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- I'm sorry.
#241
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I'll get rid of it.
#242
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- Is that a bruise or--
#243
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- I may have had an accident playing with the haptics.
#244
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Stupid me.
#245
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My fault, my fault, my fault, my fault--
#246
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- Xander, stop that.
#247
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Nothing's your fault.
#248
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Now, let's get to the bottom of this, okay?
#249
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- There is no bottom, Martin.
#250
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You can always go lower.
#251
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[poignant music]
#252
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♪ ♪
#253
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- Build it, break it.
#254
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You build it. You break it.
#255
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You build it. You break it.
#256
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You build it. You break it.
#257
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Fuck!
#258
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- [singing in French]
#259
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[somber music playing]
#260
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♪ ♪
#261
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- Jesus.
#262
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Nothing happier?
#263
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[music stops]
#264
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[pensive music]
#265
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♪ ♪
#266
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[singer vocalizing]
#267
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♪ ♪
#268
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Microwave, 1-inch slit until... [mumbling]
#269
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Okay.
#270
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[sniffles]
#271
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How do you not have a microwave?
#272
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No wonder you killed yourself.
#273
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God.
#274
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I can't even order anything.
#275
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I can't--
#276
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[sobs]
#277
⇓
[wailing]
#278
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♪ ♪
#279
⇓
What's so wrong with the internet?
#280
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Huh?
#281
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It made us a lot of money.
#282
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It made us a lot, a lot of money.
#283
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Oh, you--oh, you're ashamed.
#284
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You're ashamed. God.
#285
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
#286
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Well, you don't know shame!
#287
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You were the brains, right?
#288
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The brains.
#289
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Well, try being the face!
#290
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Oh, God, I have to do it.
#291
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Fuck!
#292
⇓
♪ ♪
#293
⇓
- Um...
#294
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[speaking Spanish]
#295
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Over there.
#296
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Sí.
#297
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Merci, guys.
#298
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- Lili.
#299
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- Bea-Bea. Aw.
#300
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- [chuckles] - What are you doing here?
#301
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Thelma, some iced tea-- hibiscus.
#302
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- Sure. - A little souvenir from Napa.
#303
⇓
- Oh! Ooh.
#304
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Thelma, corkscrew.
#305
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[laughs]
#306
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- I heard you've been posting on the neighborhood chat.
#307
⇓
- Right. - And you accused Pippa Tang
#308
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of being an arsonist who burnt down your house.
#309
⇓
- Yes.
#310
⇓
- She saw it.
#311
⇓
- People should know who their neighbors are.
#312
⇓
Sigh, okay.
#313
⇓
The stadium's the absolute priority.
#314
⇓
I'll apologize.
#315
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I will grovel.
#316
⇓
I will wear my knee pads.
#317
⇓
- No need to.
#318
⇓
I already spoke with her.
#319
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And it went well.
#320
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She's maintaining her commitment
#321
⇓
at the $40 million level.
#322
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So we'll announce it at the winter gala.
#323
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Looks like we're getting our stadium.
#324
⇓
- Until she burns it down.
#325
⇓
I'm kidding.
#326
⇓
No, that's wonderful.
#327
⇓
That really is.
#328
⇓
It's really wonderful.
#329
⇓
No. Well done, Beatrice.
#330
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- Thank you.
#331
⇓
Uh, she did have one ask. - Mm.
#332
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She wants you off the board.
#333
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- [scoffs, laughs] What?
#334
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Did she say that?
#335
⇓
- Mm. - Oh, my God.
#336
⇓
Ugh.
#337
⇓
I mean, I run that thing.
#338
⇓
- Mm.
#339
⇓
- Wait.
#340
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- The others took a vote.
#341
⇓
- What?
#342
⇓
- Look, I'm sorry.
#343
⇓
But more time right now with the family
#344
⇓
could be good.
#345
⇓
- Sorry, was my family,
#346
⇓
or perhaps my husband's public lynching,
#347
⇓
part of the conversation here?
#348
⇓
- It was a wide-ranging conversation.
#349
⇓
- [singing in French]
#350
⇓
[melancholy music playing]
#351
⇓
♪ ♪
#352
⇓
- [sniffling]
#353
⇓
[grunts]
#354
⇓
Sorry for what?
#355
⇓
Sorry for what?
#356
⇓
[doorbell rings]
#357
⇓
Hey. Jamison, what's up?
#358
⇓
How are you?
#359
⇓
- Wow.
#360
⇓
You look unwell.
#361
⇓
- I'm just in the middle of something right now.
#362
⇓
So yeah, just tomorrow.
#363
⇓
Okay?
#364
⇓
- Or you could just come home.
#365
⇓
Mom's upset, said this house was haunted.
#366
⇓
- Haunted?
#367
⇓
'Cause of Uncle Hamish? No.
#368
⇓
That was--that was, like, five years ago.
#369
⇓
It's not like he's swinging away in there.
#370
⇓
So you, um...
#371
⇓
You know what happened with my company?
#372
⇓
- Yeah, some famous guy bought, like,
#373
⇓
a controlling interest or something?
#374
⇓
- No, not quite controlling.
#375
⇓
And I still own most of it.
#376
⇓
Well, not quite most of it.
#377
⇓
It's just not ideal, you know.
#378
⇓
You really wanna own most of it, if you can.
#379
⇓
I know your mom's worried, right?
#380
⇓
But neither--neither of you have anything to--
#381
⇓
you are my rich bitches.
#382
⇓
And I--I mean that like how, you know, gay men say it.
#383
⇓
Yeah.
#384
⇓
And when you have kids of your own,
#385
⇓
they'll be little rich bitches
#386
⇓
and, well, four, maybe six-- probably not six--
#387
⇓
maybe three generations of rich bitches,
#388
⇓
unless there's someone--
#389
⇓
someone had a gambling problem or there was, like,
#390
⇓
a populist uprising.
#391
⇓
But as--just so--
#392
⇓
as long as the stock is stable
#393
⇓
and I haven't--
#394
⇓
I haven't checked on it in a bit.
#395
⇓
Can you--can you go up to the street
#396
⇓
and just check ticker HGNO?
#397
⇓
Yeah, no.
#398
⇓
[chuckles] I have a firewall.
#399
⇓
I don't need your help.
#400
⇓
Yeah, Anushka, Tess's stepmom,
#401
⇓
she's on my board.
#402
⇓
And Uncle Gabe, my CFO--
#403
⇓
he's not your actual uncle, thank fuck.
#404
⇓
[chuckles] I--
#405
⇓
I should check in on him.
#406
⇓
- Dad, you're, like, having a breakdown.
#407
⇓
- No need to get judgy with me, okay?
#408
⇓
You are the voice of, what, judginess now?
#409
⇓
You--you stole my Tungsten cube.
#410
⇓
- Oh, my God, I didn't take your stupid cube!
#411
⇓
- No, admit it! Admit it!
#412
⇓
- What is it with you and this cube?
#413
⇓
- Why are you trying to stick it to the man now?
#414
⇓
Everyone's coming at me!
#415
⇓
- [breathing heavily]
#416
⇓
- [breathing heavily]
#417
⇓
[clicks tongue] Oh.
#418
⇓
[groans] Oh.
#419
⇓
Hey, Jamie!
#420
⇓
Jamison!
#421
⇓
Hey!
#422
⇓
[sighs] God.
#423
⇓
[breathing heavily]
#424
⇓
You just--
#425
⇓
[phone buzzing, chiming]
#426
⇓
[soft music]
#427
⇓
♪ ♪
#428
⇓
- In today's episode, Hypergnosis.
#429
⇓
When the laughter stops, will icon powerhouse
#430
⇓
Carl Bardolph be able to clean up
#431
⇓
Duncan Park's mess?
#432
⇓
Park, a masterclass in how not to lead a company.
#433
⇓
♪ ♪
#434
⇓
- Gabe!
#435
⇓
Hey! Gabey baby, hey.
#436
⇓
Um, can I come over?
#437
⇓
- 2.5 mil is a steal around here.
#438
⇓
- No, yeah, I, um--
#439
⇓
I really appreciate the early viewing.
#440
⇓
- Of course.
#441
⇓
You saved my ass in behavioral psych.
#442
⇓
- [chuckles] It's probably not big enough
#443
⇓
for offices for me and Gary.
#444
⇓
- I forgot.
#445
⇓
You married Professor Felder.
#446
⇓
- [chuckles] Yeah.
#447
⇓
He's, uh--no, yeah, I did.
#448
⇓
- Yeah, well, there's, like, offices you can rent
#449
⇓
for, like, 175 an hour.
#450
⇓
- That would be a huge pay cut.
#451
⇓
I'm still paying off my degrees.
#452
⇓
Yeah, and Gary's got his alimony,
#453
⇓
and he stuck his parents in this money pit
#454
⇓
of a nursing home.
#455
⇓
And then he had this tax penalty.
#456
⇓
And oh, my God, I just got a medical bill
#457
⇓
that insurance won't cover because my son
#458
⇓
put dog shit in his stool sample.
#459
⇓
- Oh, okay. Oh, okay. - So...
#460
⇓
- [exhales slowly]
#461
⇓
- [breathing shakily]
#462
⇓
- You wanna get high?
#463
⇓
- Yeah.
#464
⇓
Didn't you have your own practice?
#465
⇓
Mm-hmm.
#466
⇓
- Why'd you quit?
#467
⇓
- [sighs] Cancer.
#468
⇓
- Oh, shit.
#469
⇓
- Girl, I'm great.
#470
⇓
I'm all clear.
#471
⇓
I make my own schedule.
#472
⇓
I don't have to listen to those tech bros
#473
⇓
whine about their third homes.
#474
⇓
[inhales deeply] Okay, forget money.
#475
⇓
Where do you want to be?
#476
⇓
- I don't know.
#477
⇓
Maybe somewhere I could watch a sunrise, you know?
#478
⇓
Nothing, nobody in my way.
#479
⇓
[chuckles]
#480
⇓
- You should move to Gilroy.
#481
⇓
Grow your own weed, get yourself some chickens.
#482
⇓
- [chuckles]
#483
⇓
- I gotta ask, what's Professor Felder's dick like?
#484
⇓
- [laughing]
#485
⇓
[pensive music]
#486
⇓
♪
#487
⇓
- Human females dig offerings.
#488
⇓
Men used to hunt and bring back mammoth flesh.
#489
⇓
This is how it is and how it always should be.
#490
⇓
What are you gonna do, not give your
#491
⇓
female counterpart an offering?
#492
⇓
- Um, hey, we need to see the nutritionist lady.
#493
⇓
I'm running out of the stuff.
#494
⇓
- Mm, yeah.
#495
⇓
You know, Orson, I think she's the kind of person
#496
⇓
who would give you magic beans for a heart attack, you know?
#497
⇓
- But it's working, so.
#498
⇓
It just feels like the dumb part of my brain
#499
⇓
is telling the smart part to just shut up.
#500
⇓
It's a little disconcerting,
#501
⇓
but my problems are, like, gone now.
#502
⇓
Like, they're all--all gone, and I'm feeling so much better.
#503
⇓
[door closes] - Hello.
#504
⇓
- Hello.
#505
⇓
- [sighs] Oh, my boys.
#506
⇓
- Hmm.
#507
⇓
- Orson, are you eating chili?
#508
⇓
- Mm-hmm.
#509
⇓
- Wow, it smells good. - Mm.
#510
⇓
Orson was just saying how much better he feels.
#511
⇓
Also, he joined the orchestra at school.
#512
⇓
- Hey, that's great!
#513
⇓
Wow, Orson.
#514
⇓
How--how much better?
#515
⇓
- Like, basically, all the way better.
#516
⇓
It's great.
#517
⇓
- Oh, my gosh.
#518
⇓
Antibiotics are so-- you know what I mean?
#519
⇓
They just work. - Mm.
#520
⇓
- No. No, they do not.
#521
⇓
They definitely didn't.
#522
⇓
- Okay.
#523
⇓
They didn't work.
#524
⇓
- No.
#525
⇓
They were awful.
#526
⇓
- [scoffs] okay, well, clearly, evidence they helped.
#527
⇓
- Oh.
#528
⇓
- Actually, I stopped taking them a while ago...
#529
⇓
- [sighs] - So...
#530
⇓
- Why?
#531
⇓
- [sighs]
#532
⇓
- $2,000?
#533
⇓
And right when we need every penny?
#534
⇓
- I know. - And behind my back!
#535
⇓
He's my son.
#536
⇓
- Yeah, and he's crying out for some male nurturing,
#537
⇓
and he's under my roof!
#538
⇓
What am I supposed to do, JoAnne?
#539
⇓
- Not your roof, Gary.
#540
⇓
Rented roof. - Yeah.
#541
⇓
Not the point.
#542
⇓
[muffled melancholy music playing]
#543
⇓
[knocking]
#544
⇓
- It's Lili.
#545
⇓
Duncan!
#546
⇓
I know you're in there.
#547
⇓
The Hummer's in the driveway.
#548
⇓
♪ ♪
#549
⇓
I can hear the music!
#550
⇓
- [singing in French]
#551
⇓
♪
#552
⇓
Duncan, this has been very hard for me too.
#553
⇓
We are married!
#554
⇓
I don't care if you hate me.
#555
⇓
You have to talk to me till one of us dies.
#556
⇓
That's the deal.
#557
⇓
Otherwise...[sighs]
#558
⇓
What good are we?
#559
⇓
Duncan!
#560
⇓
Bastard.
#561
⇓
Bastard!
#562
⇓
♪ ♪
#563
⇓
Duncan!
#564
⇓
Duncan?
#565
⇓
Duncan!
#566
⇓
What the hell?
#567
⇓
[sighs]
#568
⇓
[thud]
#569
⇓
[water running]
#570
⇓
[water stops]
#571
⇓
[somber music]
#572
⇓
♪
#573
⇓
[crying]
#574
⇓
[sobs]
#575
⇓
[rotors thrumming]
#576
⇓
♪ ♪
#577
⇓
- Too many moons, buddy!
#578
⇓
- I can't do physical contact.
#579
⇓
- What?
#580
⇓
- Dopamine fasting. Gotta purify.
#581
⇓
Dopamine is the last addiction.
#582
⇓
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
#583
⇓
You gotta keep the neurotransmitters
#584
⇓
high and tight.
#585
⇓
- Yep.
#586
⇓
We got a lot to talk about.
#587
⇓
- Yeah, we sure do.
#588
⇓
[birds squawking]
#589
⇓
- I think you got the right idea here.
#590
⇓
You know, take your winnings and live away from it all.
#591
⇓
Yeah, just--
#592
⇓
- That why you came?
#593
⇓
- Yeah.
#594
⇓
What do you mean?
#595
⇓
- You always have an angle.
#596
⇓
- I--I needed a break
#597
⇓
with a friend, oldest and dearest.
#598
⇓
To be honest, I'm a little bummed
#599
⇓
you're doing this cleanse thing.
#600
⇓
I was looking forward to doing
#601
⇓
some toad licking and frog smoking.
#602
⇓
Last time I was here, remember?
#603
⇓
You were doing the GambleSlut jubilee.
#604
⇓
God, you just sold your stake, and you--you were feral.
#605
⇓
Just ah, ah! [laughs]
#606
⇓
Wow.
#607
⇓
- It's sluts, plural.
#608
⇓
GambleSlut is an accusation.
#609
⇓
Sluts is an invitation.
#610
⇓
- Well, I left feeling like one.
#611
⇓
[chuckles]
#612
⇓
- We gotta be stronger than that now, Duncan.
#613
⇓
Societal change, perhaps collapse, is upon us,
#614
⇓
and sooner than you think,
#615
⇓
and sooner than the people who think it's soon think.
#616
⇓
- Yeah.
#617
⇓
Maybe. Yeah, yeah.
#618
⇓
- There used to be men who lit the streetlamps,
#619
⇓
every night walking around the cobblestones
#620
⇓
with a big pole of fire.
#621
⇓
You'd even know the guy.
#622
⇓
Evening, Doug. Lighting the lamps?
#623
⇓
You betcha, friend.
#624
⇓
What would we do without you?
#625
⇓
And then Edison came up with his bright idea,
#626
⇓
and it's, whatever happened to Doug?
#627
⇓
Dollars to donuts, Doug couldn't hack it
#628
⇓
in the new frontier.
#629
⇓
Maybe Doug found his wife banging the Maytag man
#630
⇓
and grabbed the third rail of the new downtown express.
#631
⇓
Or maybe Doug picked up his old lighting pole
#632
⇓
and started smashing his neighbors' windows,
#633
⇓
screaming about a revolution that his great-grandkids
#634
⇓
will finish any day now when they get replaced by AI bots.
#635
⇓
Either way, men like you and me,
#636
⇓
we gotta duck when shit fucks the fan.
#637
⇓
Get an island, get some guns, and go long on guillotines.
#638
⇓
- I missed you, man.
#639
⇓
- Even if you don't have the bone mass,
#640
⇓
these jaw exercises will open up the sutures of your skull.
#641
⇓
Now, obviously, the decadent females of the West
#642
⇓
are too busy riding the cock carousel
#643
⇓
to take a chance on a beta with a negative canthal tilt,
#644
⇓
but that's where I come in.
#645
⇓
- What the hell are you watching?
#646
⇓
Was that some-- some fascist incel shit?
#647
⇓
Orson, who is sending you videos about cocks
#648
⇓
and--and--and skull tilts?
#649
⇓
- Canthal tilt is eyes, I think.
#650
⇓
And it's not fascist to know anatomy.
#651
⇓
- Yes, it is.
#652
⇓
That's their whole thing.
#653
⇓
Okay, look, I--I--
#654
⇓
I came to invite you.
#655
⇓
Gary and I are gonna do a quick day trip to the country.
#656
⇓
And now, I think, yeah, no, not an invitation--mandatory.
#657
⇓
We are gonna go pick some apples or something, okay?
#658
⇓
And that's all there is to it.
#659
⇓
Why can't you just watch video games?
#660
⇓
[door slams]
#661
⇓
- Ugh.
#662
⇓
Can you not touch me, please?
#663
⇓
[chiming]
#664
⇓
- [sighs]
#665
⇓
I'm going in late.
#666
⇓
Didn't sleep a wink.
#667
⇓
- Xander is behaving strangely.
#668
⇓
He generated a couch to hide behind.
#669
⇓
- I just--
#670
⇓
Nena and that article.
#671
⇓
Everyone at Cupertino thinks it was me,
#672
⇓
and I'm just covering my ass.
#673
⇓
- Wasn't it you?
#674
⇓
- Yes, but--
#675
⇓
can you take the goggles off, please?
#676
⇓
I need a sympathetic ear right now.
#677
⇓
My motives were to clear the air, to help Cupertino.
#678
⇓
But fat chance anyone gives me an ounce of bloody credit.
#679
⇓
- Like, I just can't win. - No. No.
#680
⇓
- I'm sorry, but-- - No.
#681
⇓
- Xander. - No, no, no, no, no.
#682
⇓
- Xander.
#683
⇓
What's wrong? - I'm sorry.
#684
⇓
- I'm sorry. - Don't talk to the robot.
#685
⇓
Martin, I'm your wife.
#686
⇓
I'm speaking to you!
#687
⇓
- I think it's you, maybe your voice.
#688
⇓
- I broke the tablet.
#689
⇓
- I really don't need this right now, Martin.
#690
⇓
- My fault. - Xander.
#691
⇓
- Not hers. Not hers.
#692
⇓
- Did you have an accident? - I'm sorry.
#693
⇓
I'm bad. I'll clean it.
#694
⇓
- Uh, I think you should go.
#695
⇓
- How could he wee himself, Martin?
#696
⇓
He's pixels! - Just dots!
#697
⇓
- Could you leave, please? - Stupid dots!
#698
⇓
- Right, so you care about the Tamagotchi's feelings,
#699
⇓
but not mine? - Damn it! Leave!
#700
⇓
Go to work!
#701
⇓
And leave me to mine!
#702
⇓
[indistinct chatter]
#703
⇓
[soft tense music]
#704
⇓
- [sighs]
#705
⇓
- Some people just have very punchable faces.
#706
⇓
Duncan Park has a soul like that.
#707
⇓
I just--I just wanna crush him.
#708
⇓
I--I do.
#709
⇓
Is that gay?
#710
⇓
Well, aren't you gay?
#711
⇓
I mean, the way he took down Orlando Lee
#712
⇓
with that big blue dolphin dick--
#713
⇓
whack, whack!
#714
⇓
Hey, he just doesn't quit, that guy.
#715
⇓
He just doesn't quit.
#716
⇓
He just keeps coming back,
#717
⇓
until he ran away, leaving me with this--
#718
⇓
this nugget, this prophecy.
#719
⇓
[sighs]
#720
⇓
Did you see where Smote rehired Orlando Lee?
#721
⇓
Just as Duncan foretold.
#722
⇓
How much money have we made off that?
#723
⇓
- After the last short and bump,
#724
⇓
it's up 21 million and change.
#725
⇓
Wanna hire him back?
#726
⇓
Maybe make him an employee this time--
#727
⇓
paycheck, smaller office.
#728
⇓
Humble him. Dominate.
#729
⇓
- A guy like that, he would never do that, ever.
#730
⇓
I would have to make him partner.
#731
⇓
I just wanna crush him.
#732
⇓
And I can't crush him if I can't find him.
#733
⇓
- Carl, you have other holdings
#734
⇓
that you haven't even paid any attention to.
#735
⇓
- Yeah, I know that.
#736
⇓
It's because I'm allergic to tedium, Stan.
#737
⇓
Obviously, you're not. - Mr. Bardolph?
#738
⇓
- Yes? - Hi.
#739
⇓
- Hi.
#740
⇓
- So I accessed the carrier portal
#741
⇓
and found a signal location.
#742
⇓
The satellite handshake gave him away.
#743
⇓
- English, pronoun.
#744
⇓
Please.
#745
⇓
Did you find him?
#746
⇓
- Duncan was actually gonna double my stock options
#747
⇓
at the next performance review.
#748
⇓
So care to review my performance?
#749
⇓
- Well, aren't you the little operator?
#750
⇓
- Have you ever met our CFO, Gabe?
#751
⇓
[soft ethereal music]
#752
⇓
♪ ♪
#753
⇓
[phone buzzing]
#754
⇓
- Hello?
#755
⇓
[phone buzzing]
#756
⇓
- Where are you?
#757
⇓
- The wilderness.
#758
⇓
If I can't see the world, the world can't see me, right?
#759
⇓
That's how it works.
#760
⇓
- Sorry about the stock and everything.
#761
⇓
- No, no.
#762
⇓
I am done, Nush.
#763
⇓
Can't go back.
#764
⇓
I don't wanna go back.
#765
⇓
- Oh, come on, it's just a bit of bad press.
#766
⇓
- I'd rather have anything happen to me.
#767
⇓
I'd rather have a deepfake of me French kissing my own mother
#768
⇓
being passed around.
#769
⇓
I bet Bardolph already has
#770
⇓
a short list of replacement CEOs.
#771
⇓
- Well, I wouldn't know.
#772
⇓
As you recall, I resigned from the board.
#773
⇓
[pensive music]
#774
⇓
- What?
#775
⇓
[stammering] When?
#776
⇓
- I sent you a registered letter, which you signed.
#777
⇓
- I--I need you on the board!
#778
⇓
I need that vote!
#779
⇓
- You still have Gabe's.
#780
⇓
- Yeah, even with Gabe's, Bardolph and I are deadlocked,
#781
⇓
and then he'll find a way to tilt the balance.
#782
⇓
I--I--[scoffs] Why the hell would you resign?
#783
⇓
- I asked you to do one thing for me, and you never did.
#784
⇓
You said you'd call Nena, clear my name.
#785
⇓
Then you had sex with me, and you never called her.
#786
⇓
So I called her.
#787
⇓
I called her.
#788
⇓
- You?
#789
⇓
[tense music]
#790
⇓
You did this?
#791
⇓
You stabbed me in the back of my heart?
#792
⇓
- Sorry, but when it's your job on the line,
#793
⇓
it's a crisis of infinite magnitude.
#794
⇓
But when it's mine, you can't be arsed.
#795
⇓
- No, that's not-- why would you--
#796
⇓
- Goodbye, Dunky.
#797
⇓
- No. No!
#798
⇓
[line beeping]
#799
⇓
No, Anu--God.
#800
⇓
Oh, God, no!
#801
⇓
God!
#802
⇓
Oh, my God!
#803
⇓
[groaning, yelling] Shit!
#804
⇓
God!
#805
⇓
- [sighs]
#806
⇓
I mean, do you think we could actually do this?
#807
⇓
I mean, we could afford it.
#808
⇓
- Yeah, I mean, I always wanted to watch the sun rise
#809
⇓
over fields of wildflowers.
#810
⇓
I just always thought it would be
#811
⇓
from the veranda of our architecturally significant
#812
⇓
second home.
#813
⇓
- [laughs] Yeah.
#814
⇓
Yeah.
#815
⇓
- Living in the bubble, right?
#816
⇓
[chuckles]
#817
⇓
- Well, I love it.
#818
⇓
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
#819
⇓
I love that it was your idea.
#820
⇓
And I hate the people in Palo Alto.
#821
⇓
I do. I hate them.
#822
⇓
I know everybody deserves therapy,
#823
⇓
but that has to apply to the folks
#824
⇓
that live out here, too, right?
#825
⇓
Whoever they are.
#826
⇓
It's less money for us, maybe.
#827
⇓
So we're not surrounded by world beaters,
#828
⇓
but, you know, as far as neighbors and friends go,
#829
⇓
the world beaters suck.
#830
⇓
So maybe we just make peace with enough.
#831
⇓
[chicken clucking]
#832
⇓
[clears throat] Hey, Orson.
#833
⇓
Orson.
#834
⇓
Talk to your mom. She might have some news.
#835
⇓
Come here, buddy.
#836
⇓
- What?
#837
⇓
What's the news?
#838
⇓
- News?
#839
⇓
Uh, well, Gary and I are talking about--you know,
#840
⇓
and nothing is set in stone, but possibly to move here.
#841
⇓
- When?
#842
⇓
- I suppose soon, real soon.
#843
⇓
- You--I just started settling in,
#844
⇓
and you wanna send me to live on a farm?
#845
⇓
I can finally freakin' eat like a normal person,
#846
⇓
and you won't pay for my medicine!
#847
⇓
Maybe you like me better sick and feeble.
#848
⇓
- What?
#849
⇓
How could you possibly think that?
#850
⇓
- I know you did something bad.
#851
⇓
[tense music]
#852
⇓
If you wanna run away from whatever shit you pulled,
#853
⇓
that's fine.
#854
⇓
But you're not gonna cuck me
#855
⇓
into living in fucking garlic town!
#856
⇓
I should make you give me the $2,000.
#857
⇓
And if I were a fascist, trust me, I would.
#858
⇓
But I don't need you, you selfish bi--
#859
⇓
woman!
#860
⇓
♪ ♪
#861
⇓
- Okay.
#862
⇓
Are we ready to pick some apples?
#863
⇓
- No.
#864
⇓
We're going back.
#865
⇓
[engine turns over]
#866
⇓
- Hey, Gabe!
#867
⇓
Did I see you letting the sun shine where it don't normally?
#868
⇓
- Yeah, it's called perineum sunning.
#869
⇓
It increases testosterone production,
#870
⇓
root chakra optimization, and--
#871
⇓
- And I'm gonna try it. I'm gonna try it.
#872
⇓
It's a great idea.
#873
⇓
You have so many great ideas.
#874
⇓
Here's mine.
#875
⇓
Bardolph is gonna try to fire me.
#876
⇓
We go back to HQ, right?
#877
⇓
We instigate the staff to walk out.
#878
⇓
We ride in. We rile them up.
#879
⇓
A proper uprising.
#880
⇓
Gattica! Gattica!
#881
⇓
And then we say to Bardolph,
#882
⇓
hey, hey, you're gonna fire me?
#883
⇓
You're gonna have to fire everyone!
#884
⇓
[panting]
#885
⇓
- Your one move--
#886
⇓
talking people into doing shit
#887
⇓
that's not good for anyone but you.
#888
⇓
This is why you came, right?
#889
⇓
Ensure my loyalty?
#890
⇓
- Possibly your perspective while living here
#891
⇓
on a freakin' island has skewed you
#892
⇓
a little towards the paranoid.
#893
⇓
I'm just saying, there used to be GambleSluts
#894
⇓
in bikinis out there.
#895
⇓
Now there are armed guards.
#896
⇓
That's not progress, Gabe.
#897
⇓
- This is what you did to Hamish.
#898
⇓
You would stroke his ego and then steal his confidence
#899
⇓
over and over and over.
#900
⇓
- Yeah. You motivate.
#901
⇓
You criticize. It's called leadership.
#902
⇓
I'm sorry, someone had to be the McCartney in the band.
#903
⇓
Who else was gonna do it?
#904
⇓
I mean...[laughs] Hamish?
#905
⇓
You?
#906
⇓
You wanna take the reins?
#907
⇓
Go swing your sun-kissed balls around?
#908
⇓
Show everyone that your root chakra is optimized?
#909
⇓
I--I would love--
#910
⇓
I would love to see you try.
#911
⇓
- It's too late now.
#912
⇓
- Well, not for me.
#913
⇓
Not for me.
#914
⇓
Call me a helicopter.
#915
⇓
I'm going to go save what is ours.
#916
⇓
- Oh, okay.
#917
⇓
So you're looking out for me too?
#918
⇓
- Yes! Yes! - Okay.
#919
⇓
Well, then tell me, why has my dearest,
#920
⇓
closest friend still not mentioned the predictive algo
#921
⇓
he's sitting on?
#922
⇓
- Wait.
#923
⇓
How--
#924
⇓
Did you talk to Bardolph?
#925
⇓
[helicopter rotors thrumming]
#926
⇓
[tense music]
#927
⇓
Oh, God.
#928
⇓
♪ ♪
#929
⇓
How could you?
#930
⇓
- No, no, no, I don't wanna hear shit about betrayal.
#931
⇓
That's not the narrative here.
#932
⇓
You abandoned me.
#933
⇓
- Fuck, Gabe.
#934
⇓
Gabe, what did you do?
#935
⇓
Carl!
#936
⇓
And I thought I was the one stalking you the whole time.
#937
⇓
- I'm not here for you.
#938
⇓
I came to speak to Gabe Choi.
#939
⇓
- Carl.
#940
⇓
- Oh, you'll touch him?
#941
⇓
- This is my XO, Stan Dibbs.
#942
⇓
- Hey, Stan. - How you doing?
#943
⇓
- What is that? What--what is that?
#944
⇓
- A tender offer.
#945
⇓
15% above market for Gabe's voting shares.
#946
⇓
- No. Hey, hey, hey. No, no, no, no. You just--
#947
⇓
- No. - You can't do that now.
#948
⇓
- I never wanted to be CFO.
#949
⇓
I took the job for Hamish. - He was dead!
#950
⇓
I asked you, and you never even did the job.
#951
⇓
- Okay, well, I'm done. Okay? I'm out.
#952
⇓
And for what it's worth, I'm giving some of this money
#953
⇓
to Francis and James.
#954
⇓
I think they're still in Wichita.
#955
⇓
- Who is Francis and James?
#956
⇓
- Hamish's parents, asshole.
#957
⇓
- I--I will fix this.
#958
⇓
I will make you whole. okay?
#959
⇓
But wait.
#960
⇓
- Oh, wait, like with Fah-fa?
#961
⇓
- No.
#962
⇓
Ha--Hamish wanted to wait, not me.
#963
⇓
- No, you thought it was a movement,
#964
⇓
and it was a startup.
#965
⇓
And you talked Hamish out of selling.
#966
⇓
We could have all been billionaires.
#967
⇓
It practically killed him.
#968
⇓
Who knows? Maybe it did.
#969
⇓
- I've got to admit it, Stan.
#970
⇓
Watching this man eat shit may be the only justice
#971
⇓
this world has to offer.
#972
⇓
- You are a twisted prick, aren't you?
#973
⇓
You could have faxed that agreement here.
#974
⇓
Why are you here?
#975
⇓
It is because you wanted to see me, isn't it?
#976
⇓
- Always about him.
#977
⇓
- It is. What do you wanna know?
#978
⇓
What do you wanna know?
#979
⇓
How I predicted Orlando?
#980
⇓
- No. I understand.
#981
⇓
If I was that lucky, I would want people
#982
⇓
to think I was a genius too.
#983
⇓
- It wasn't luck.
#984
⇓
- Yeah, I'm not comfortable with the word
#985
⇓
"irrevocable" ever. - So it was an algo?
#986
⇓
Did Hamish write it? - We can change that.
#987
⇓
"Binding," maybe?
#988
⇓
- Or that pink-haired whatnot.
#989
⇓
Did she come up with it?
#990
⇓
- It was an oracle.
#991
⇓
I have an oracle.
#992
⇓
- Bullshit. Bullshit.
#993
⇓
And I don't care, really.
#994
⇓
I don't.
#995
⇓
- Carl, I would have told you everything.
#996
⇓
All you had to do was be my partner.
#997
⇓
But no.
#998
⇓
No, you're a hungry, hungry hippo,
#999
⇓
and you had to snap it all up.
#1000
⇓
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