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» S01E01 — My First Day
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Season 1, Episode 1 — My First Day
[beeping]
#1
⇓
[growls]
#5
⇓
It's my first day.
#7
⇓
I'm the man.
#8
⇓
Could you go drop an NG tube on the patient in 234
#11
⇓
and call the attending if the lavage is positive?
#12
⇓
...I don't know Jack.
#13
⇓
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#16
⇓
So this is my story.
#17
⇓
I'm supposed to be up in intensive care.
#18
⇓
Good, we just turfed him there.
#19
⇓
but orientation yesterday...
#21
⇓
The hospital doesn't wanna be sued.
#23
⇓
Being sued is not a good thing.
#24
⇓
- Hey, Turk? - What's up?
#25
⇓
You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?
#26
⇓
Dude, be whiter.
#27
⇓
Here's the thing. Tupac, DMX, Dr. Dre,
#31
⇓
in most of their songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial slur...
#32
⇓
- The "N" word. - I got it.
#33
⇓
Right. My question is this: if we're both singing along,
#34
⇓
and knowing otherwise I would never use the word,
#35
⇓
- am I allowed to say... - No.
#36
⇓
That's good for me to know. I didn't know that.
#37
⇓
Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake,
#38
⇓
don't admit it to the patient.
#39
⇓
Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure,...
#40
⇓
you can feel free to tell him or her... anything.
#41
⇓
[laughs nervously]
#42
⇓
Hey, I found us an apartment.
#43
⇓
Okay, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine,
#44
⇓
so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net.
#45
⇓
Because I promise you, we're a family here.
#46
⇓
Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.
#47
⇓
The surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.
#48
⇓
The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament.
#49
⇓
Apparently, we're all twelve.
#50
⇓
I love Pac-Man.
#51
⇓
Me, too. I love watching it, I, I, I love playing it,
#52
⇓
I love all of it.
#53
⇓
- I'm Elliot. - [as E.T.] Ell-i-ot...
#54
⇓
Yeah, don't do that.
#55
⇓
I'm J.D. This is Turk.
#56
⇓
Elliot, are you medical or surgical?
#57
⇓
Medical.
#58
⇓
[thinks] Ha-ha! Hello.
#59
⇓
Every male in my family is a doctor.
#60
⇓
My dad, granddad, brother. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name,
#61
⇓
made me play sports, date girls. I'm joking.
#62
⇓
I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.
#63
⇓
Anyway, I know what you're thinking.
#64
⇓
- No, you don't. - I'm Miss "Hyper-Competitive."
#66
⇓
It used to be a big problem for me. Used to. Past tense.
#67
⇓
Hey.
#68
⇓
Are we, like, racing?
#69
⇓
Yes!
#70
⇓
Please, I'm not that desperate.
#71
⇓
No!
#72
⇓
[cheering]
#73
⇓
- [pants] - So, you do a lot of cardio?
#74
⇓
Oh, yes.
#75
⇓
Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great.
#76
⇓
One, I am your resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman. Not "Jeff".
#77
⇓
Two, here are your manuals.
#78
⇓
I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool.
#80
⇓
- An unbelievably annoying tool. - Yeah.
#81
⇓
Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers. From now on, they control your life.
#82
⇓
Okay? Thanks. Move it.
#83
⇓
- I was, uh, I was paged. - Oh, first day, Bambi?
#85
⇓
Carla will take care of you. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
#86
⇓
Why?
#87
⇓
- We're waiting for Dr. Cox. - [J.D.] Hi, doctor...
#88
⇓
- Place an IV for me. - We'll talk later.
#89
⇓
Carla, can I ask you a question?
#90
⇓
Do you spray the perfume on or fill your bathtub up
#91
⇓
- and splash around in it? - I smell nice.
#92
⇓
[whistles] Time's up. Carla, will you do it?
#95
⇓
- I need an ABG. - Why are you telling her?
#96
⇓
- Shut up and watch. - Be nice to Bambi.
#97
⇓
Why has this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch?
#98
⇓
- That's a little insensitive. - [thunder]
#99
⇓
Mistake.
#100
⇓
Man's 92, has full dementia. He doesn't know we're here.
#101
⇓
He is inches from Carla's rack and hasn't even flinched.
#102
⇓
- Aw, that is so sweet. - Yeah, it is.
#103
⇓
What about his subconscious?
#104
⇓
Eisenhower... was a sissy.
#105
⇓
I think by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay.
#106
⇓
Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room,
#107
⇓
you're definitely not allowed to talk.
#108
⇓
Now, Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often...
#109
⇓
- [bell] - What is uremia?
#111
⇓
That's my boy. Hey, nice clean job on the foley catheter.
#112
⇓
Dr. Reid, you're late.
#115
⇓
I got puked on.
#116
⇓
You're off the hook if you can tell me what to look for in a uremic patient.
#117
⇓
Anyway, I'm going for it.
#118
⇓
- [whispers] Infection. - Infection?
#119
⇓
That's my girl. Moving on.
#120
⇓
- I knew the answer. - I'm sure you did.
#121
⇓
- I'm just frazzled. - How could you not be?
#122
⇓
- With the... - I know, yeah.
#123
⇓
Thanks. If there's anything I can do for you...
#124
⇓
You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.
#125
⇓
Around seven?
#126
⇓
Or eight?
#127
⇓
Why not?
#128
⇓
Nice!
#129
⇓
"Why not?"
#131
⇓
Daddy, why did you marry Mommy?
#132
⇓
and she screwed my brains out.
#134
⇓
[more laughter]
#136
⇓
[TV audience whoops]
#137
⇓
Did you actually just page me
#139
⇓
to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?
#140
⇓
I was worried it could exacerbate...
#141
⇓
It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do.
#142
⇓
Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her.
#143
⇓
Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
#144
⇓
And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.
#145
⇓
Dr. Kelso is always saying "You gotta stay posi..."
#146
⇓
I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible,
#147
⇓
so I don't overstate it.
#148
⇓
Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet
#149
⇓
and may in fact be Satan himself.
#150
⇓
It's just that this isn't what I expected, you know?
#151
⇓
Most of my patients are...
#152
⇓
older, and sorta checked-out, mentally.
#153
⇓
Pumpkin, that's modern medicine.
#154
⇓
Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago.
#155
⇓
Back when they lost what made them people.
#156
⇓
Now, your job is to stay sane enough
#157
⇓
so when someone does come in that you actually can help,
#158
⇓
you're not so brain-dead you can't function.
#159
⇓
For the love of God, what?
#160
⇓
Should we be talking about this in front of...
#161
⇓
Her? She's dead.
#162
⇓
Write this down, newbie. If you push around a stiff,
#163
⇓
nobody'll ask you to do anything.
#164
⇓
You've been like a father to me.
#165
⇓
Fair enough. Want some real advice?
#166
⇓
If they find out nurses are doing your procedures,
#167
⇓
you'll be kicked out so quick, your head will spin.
#168
⇓
And there it is.
#169
⇓
Have a terrific day.
#170
⇓
I'm not really dead.
#171
⇓
Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lenzer's tox screen,...
#172
⇓
- I am such a stud. - Probably not.
#174
⇓
This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest.
#175
⇓
I couldn't even see them. I should not be allowed to do stuff like that.
#176
⇓
Wassup?
#177
⇓
- You weren't scared? - One way or another,
#178
⇓
everyone stops bleeding.
#179
⇓
- That is so deep. - No, it isn't.
#180
⇓
It's a little deep.
#181
⇓
Hey, about the apartment...
#182
⇓
T-Man! [roars]
#183
⇓
[Turk laughs] What up, boy, how you doing?
#184
⇓
- All right. - Todd, J.D.
#185
⇓
J.D., this is my man Todd.
#186
⇓
What's goin'... Ow!
#187
⇓
You got a stain. [laughs]
#192
⇓
...we're the chess club.
#193
⇓
[Muzak]
#194
⇓
I just have bad gas. What are you testing me for?
#195
⇓
We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others.
#196
⇓
[ding]
#197
⇓
He's just scared. Talk to him.
#198
⇓
Look, Mr. Burski, I heard a systolic murmur in your heart,
#199
⇓
which is most likely nothing, but if I don't check you out,
#200
⇓
- I'll worry about you all day. - Then I'll do it. For you.
#201
⇓
You're a good man.
#202
⇓
Dr. Farley, call O.B.G.Y.N.
#204
⇓
I'm waiting for someone.
#205
⇓
The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
#206
⇓
Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
#207
⇓
- Why a penny? - I don't know.
#208
⇓
- Did you stick a penny in it? - No, I was making small talk.
#209
⇓
If I find a penny in there,... I'm taking you down.
#210
⇓
Welcome to rounds, kids.
#211
⇓
She is my dream girl.
#213
⇓
The necrosis and infected stool
#214
⇓
most likely indicate what, Dr. Dorian?
#215
⇓
[ticking]
#216
⇓
[horn]
#217
⇓
[whispers] I don't know.
#218
⇓
Sir, I have no idea.
#219
⇓
Dr. Reid, can you help him out?
#220
⇓
I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.
#221
⇓
[horn]
#222
⇓
That's my girl. Patient number two.
#223
⇓
"I'd say it's superior..." [babbles]
#224
⇓
[reggae music]
#225
⇓
- Circles for you. - Shut up and do it.
#227
⇓
This needle's too big. I'm gonna get a nurse.
#229
⇓
Learn by doing. Learn by doing.
#230
⇓
Okay, maybe the needle was a little too big.
#232
⇓
- [J.D.] You think? - What's going on down there?
#233
⇓
Nothing, ma'am. This is totally normal.
#234
⇓
So are you gonna move your stuff in or what?
#235
⇓
That's why I came by. I think it's better if we both branched out a little.
#236
⇓
Yeah. I feel the same way.
#238
⇓
[reggae grows louder]
#239
⇓
So what's it like being a young hotshot doctor?
#240
⇓
It's like, did you ever go see a movie everyone told you was great
#241
⇓
then because of all the expectations,
#242
⇓
you ended up disappointed?
#243
⇓
Movies nowadays have too many special effects.
#244
⇓
Yeah, that was pretty much my point.
#245
⇓
What, am I crazy?
#250
⇓
Ah!
#251
⇓
You chicken.
#252
⇓
Charged. Clear.
#254
⇓
- [screams in agony] - Oh, my God!
#255
⇓
I thought we cared about each other...
#257
⇓
If you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same.
#258
⇓
The last thing I wanna do is sleep with you now.
#259
⇓
- Do me right here. - Okay.
#260
⇓
- See? - [growls]
#261
⇓
[door handle clicks]
#262
⇓
Right. Pass me a trach kit.
#263
⇓
Thanks.
#264
⇓
Our date is, is totally canceled.
#265
⇓
and she kicked me. Hard.
#268
⇓
Come on, I got like ten minutes to sleep.
#270
⇓
Wait.
#271
⇓
Tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?
#272
⇓
Lose the clothes.
#273
⇓
Damn, this is hot.
#276
⇓
Nice.
#277
⇓
Your turn.
#278
⇓
No, I gotta get back, but very nice.
#279
⇓
Oh, hey, Bambi. [chuckles]
#280
⇓
So, uh, I'll call you, okay?
#281
⇓
- Give me a big "ahh". - Ahh.
#282
⇓
- A big-boy "ahh". - [louder] Ahh.
#283
⇓
Turk practically had sex in the on-call room.
#284
⇓
You realize, of course, I have no idea who Turk is,
#285
⇓
but good for him.
#286
⇓
You see, Billy, it turns out that sex is life-affirming.
#287
⇓
Now, what do you say, Champ, got a urine sample for me?
#288
⇓
But I just did five minutes ago.
#289
⇓
I know you did, but here's the thing.
#290
⇓
Take this cup, put it on the ground, close your eyes,
#291
⇓
and just go nuts. What do you say?
#292
⇓
- Cool! - Attaboy. Go get 'em, Champ.
#293
⇓
- Why are you here? - Seems like a good kid.
#294
⇓
Worried about being on call tonight, aren't you?
#295
⇓
Yeah.
#296
⇓
Look, worst-case scenario,
#297
⇓
you kill somebody,
#298
⇓
and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.
#299
⇓
But that is the absolute worst-case scenario.
#300
⇓
Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do,
#301
⇓
which I assume is everything, and if you have a really rough admission...
#302
⇓
Call you?
#303
⇓
No, I was gonna say go hide in the closet again.
#304
⇓
- [flushing] - [Billy] Yeehaw! This is fun.
#305
⇓
- [man] Hey, nurse? - I'm a doctor, okay?
#306
⇓
The stethoscope, the beeper, a doctor, got it?
#307
⇓
- Relax. - I just hate it.
#308
⇓
I hate "darlings" and "sweethearts".
#309
⇓
You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman around here.
#310
⇓
You're furthering the cause by wearing a thong and hooking up in the on-call room.
#311
⇓
- [screeching of tires] - Word gets around.
#312
⇓
You talk like that, do you even know my name?
#313
⇓
I spend every second of my life either here or taking care of my mom,
#314
⇓
so, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness.
#315
⇓
I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right?
#316
⇓
Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room.
#317
⇓
And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good.
#318
⇓
And some days, I need to feel good about something here.
#319
⇓
And you judge me? Well, guess what?
#320
⇓
Word does get around, Ms. Out-For-Herself.
#321
⇓
So you can dump on everyone here if you want, but you will not hurt me.
#322
⇓
Her name's Carla, by the way.
#323
⇓
- [patient] Ouch. - [J.D.] Yeah.
#324
⇓
Carla.
#325
⇓
Hey, Champ. First night on call starts soon, huh?
#326
⇓
Gosh, you must be excited.
#327
⇓
[screams internally]
#328
⇓
You betcha.
#329
⇓
[chuckles] Oh, about Mrs. Pratt.
#330
⇓
I heard you wanted to put her on the hospital's transplant list.
#331
⇓
I just thought I'd recommend keeping her on dialysis a little longer.
#332
⇓
- Maybe we'll get lucky. - No problem, sir.
#333
⇓
Great. Have a ball.
#334
⇓
On call. [chuckles]
#335
⇓
Little poem for ya.
#336
⇓
- [beeping] - [sighs]
#337
⇓
[phones ring, overlapping chatter]
#338
⇓
Bambi, come on, let's go.
#339
⇓
I'll check on you every ten minutes, Mrs. Marino, okay?
#340
⇓
I need to see you in Mr. Burski's room.
#341
⇓
Are you flirting with me?
#342
⇓
You are, aren't you?
#343
⇓
He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism.
#344
⇓
No way anyone could've caught it.
#345
⇓
- You have to pronounce him. - Why didn't anybody page me?
#346
⇓
Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?
#347
⇓
I'll never forget that moment.
#348
⇓
only completely different.
#350
⇓
Time of death 02:00.
#352
⇓
I just wanted to help people.
#353
⇓
Don't worry, man, you're gonna be fine.
#355
⇓
Hey. I lied before, man.
#356
⇓
I'm scared every second.
#357
⇓
Really?
#358
⇓
It's a good thing they make surgical masks, 'cause if they didn't,
#359
⇓
everyone would know my face was like this the whole time.
#360
⇓
Well, I think it's okay to be scared.
#361
⇓
I need you to tell me that every once in a while.
#362
⇓
He needs me?
#363
⇓
Anyway, I just came to check up on you, see how you're doing.
#364
⇓
Ask him to move in again.
#365
⇓
You know, Turk, the offer still stands...
#366
⇓
Yo. I already took the keys out your bag.
#367
⇓
I love you.
#368
⇓
[high-pitched] I'm watching you.
#370
⇓
I saw that you're still pushing to put Mrs. Pratt on the transplant list.
#372
⇓
Bad news, though, sport. She doesn't have the insurance to cover it.
#373
⇓
Yeah, but she's, like, a second away from total renal failure.
#374
⇓
Okay...
#375
⇓
Uh, did you ask the Burski family for permission to do an autopsy?
#376
⇓
They're still in there with him.
#377
⇓
It's a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.
#378
⇓
Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?
#380
⇓
Why, sure, sport.
#381
⇓
In fact, why don't you just head on home?
#383
⇓
You look kinda tired.
#384
⇓
I am pretty tired.
#385
⇓
Dr. Dorian, do you not realize
#386
⇓
that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?
#387
⇓
The only reason I carry this chart around
#388
⇓
is so I can pretend to remember your damn names.
#389
⇓
Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them.
#390
⇓
If they don't, you show them the door.
#391
⇓
And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy.
#392
⇓
Get it by rounds tomorrow morning
#393
⇓
or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear?
#394
⇓
[demonic voice] Answer me!
#395
⇓
Crystal clear.
#396
⇓
Great, sport.
#397
⇓
[beeper]
#399
⇓
...then who's the good guy?
#400
⇓
Car accident. Crashed in the elevator on the way up.
#401
⇓
Gotta relieve the pressure on his chest. J.D., do it.
#402
⇓
Oh, God, no.
#403
⇓
Look at me. You can do this.
#404
⇓
- And I believed him. - [squeaky] Chest tube tray.
#405
⇓
You know, kind of.
#406
⇓
Come on, baby, let's go. Chop chop.
#407
⇓
J.D., cut him or lose him.
#409
⇓
Okay, give me the tube.
#410
⇓
I can't get through the pleura.
#411
⇓
Don't be gentle, get it in there.
#412
⇓
Okay, connect it, please, Carla.
#413
⇓
- Normal rhythm. - [laughs] No way.
#414
⇓
Nay? It's a piece of cake. It's your patient.
#415
⇓
You're leaving?
#416
⇓
That's your patient, doctor.
#417
⇓
Good.
#418
⇓
- That's enough. - Sorry.
#419
⇓
It's a very big moment for me.
#420
⇓
You finally off?
#422
⇓
Almost. I have one more really annoying thing I gotta do.
#423
⇓
If it's the Burski autopsy, I called the family
#424
⇓
and they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry.
#425
⇓
They didn't say that last part, I did.
#426
⇓
I forgive her.
#428
⇓
I'm a dork. A dork. I'm a dork.
#430
⇓
Bambi, get out while you still can.
#433
⇓
You know, what the hell.
#434
⇓
I'm the man.
#437
⇓
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