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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E01 — The Gang Broke Dee

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 1 — The Gang Broke Dee

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Broke Dee

Air date: September 04, 2013

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang attempts to cheer up a deeply depressed Dee, realizing they are the cause for her predicament.

Source: TMDB

↓

♪ When I'm too blind to see And how you used the love

blind love used

↓

you doing?

↓

DEE: I'm eating cake.

cake eating

↓

I can see that you're eating cake, but that's Frank's

cake eating franks

↓

cake from, like, a month ago.

cake month

↓

I threw that in the trash!

threw trash

↓

DENNIS: Oh, my God.

dennis

↓

Seriously?

↓

Yes!

↓

Dee, you're eating trash cake and smoking?

cake eating smoking trash

↓

I mean, you know what you look like?

↓

You look like...

↓

Like a bird?

bird

↓

Yeah. Yeah, of course you look like a bird.

bird course

↓

Yeah.

↓

You always look like a bird.

bird

↓

But I was gonna say, uh, you look like a...

↓

Like a, like a bird lady covered in bird shit

bird covered lady

↓

eating cake?

cake eating

↓

Dee, slow down, all right?

slow

↓

Yeah. Let the man do this.

↓

Let me do my thing.

↓

You're jumping on my thing here.

jumping

↓

MAC: You know what she looks like?

↓

She looks like a bird that has no...

bird

↓

A bird with no tits and no ass?

bird tits

↓

Dee, let us handle...

handle

↓

Yeah.

↓

FRANK: I got one, I got one.

frank

↓

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

↓

She looks like...

↓

Like a bird.

bird

↓

That was it.

↓

Was that it?

↓

Ah...

↓

That was it.

↓

See? That would have been funny, Dee.

funny

↓

Right. Yeah, Dee, don't...

↓

What are you doing?

↓

You know, that's not fun.

fun

↓

Stop. Stop whatever this is.

↓

I don't like it.

↓

I'm sorry, you guys.

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

Don't apologize.

apologize

↓

That's just sad.

↓

Fight back at us.

fight

↓

What's the point?

point

↓

The joke's always on me, all right?

jokes

↓

I get it.

↓

Yeah, but it's no fun unless you fight back.

fight fun

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah, I'm just gonna go home.

home

↓

Good, go home.

home

↓

I hope you, uh...

hope

↓

You hope I get hit by a bus?

hope

↓

Dee, come on, that's...

↓

What difference does it make?

difference

↓

I can't get any lower than I am already.

lower

↓

I might as well just throw myself in front of a bus

front might throw

↓

though, because I'm so ugly I can't even get a bus

ugly

↓

to hit on me.

↓

Well.

↓

Geez.

geez

↓

What the hell was that all about?

↓

I'll tell you exactly what that was.

↓

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

corrections honeybunny sync sync-corrections

↓

(door opens) Dee? Dee, are you dead?

dead door door-opens opens

↓

Did you kill yourself, Dee, or...?

kill

↓

Ah.

↓

Dee, why is your door unlocked?

door unlocked

↓

Do you realize how unsafe that is?

realize unsafe

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are

pathetic truly

↓

really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.

bringing

↓

We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the

realize responsible ways

↓

state you're in.

state

↓

Yeah, all right, so we got an idea though, okay?

idea

↓

We're gonna sign you up for an open mic night at a

night open sign

↓

comedy club!

club comedy

↓

Yes.

↓

Right? That's your thing!

↓

And we're actually gonna support you, Dee.

support

↓

And now that you don't care anymore, you're not gonna

anymore care care-anymore

↓

gag on stage.

stage

↓

Yeah, you know, you're right in that sweet spot between,

spot sweet sweet-spot

↓

like, suicidal and actually dead, where most comedians,

comedians dead suicidal

↓

they thrive there.

thrive

↓

Yeah, what was that thing you said about how the joke's always

jokes

↓

on you?

↓

That could be a catchphrase.

catchphrase

↓

Dee, look, I don't want to pile on here, 'cause you're

pile

↓

clearly very close to killing yourself...

close killing

↓

Yeah.

↓

...but I got to say, I totally disagree with the guys

disagree

↓

on this.

↓

I'm glad you've given up.

given glad

↓

And I want to propose something totally different: I would like

propose

↓

to find you a man.

↓

Come on.

↓

Yeah. A man to settle down with.

settle

↓

Now, I'm not talking about a smart man, not-not

smart

↓

a handsome man, but a very, very average if not

average handsome

↓

below average man to take you off of our hands forever.

average forever hands

↓

Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Go with it.

↓

Go with it?

↓

Which one?

↓

You were not clear.

clear

↓

The thing. Whatever. Both.

↓

I don't care.

care

↓

Let's-let's do my plan.

plan

↓

The comedy plan.

comedy plan

↓

Let's do our plan.

plan

↓

We're gonna do the comedy plan, all right?

comedy plan

↓

Meh.

↓

(breathing into microphone)

breathing microphone

↓

(hushed): Dude, she is gonna

↓

bomb so hard, and then she's gonna feel worse.

bomb hard worse

↓

(hushed): It's okay, dude.

↓

She'll tell a couple jokes, and then we'll, like, fake laugh

couple fake jokes laugh shell

↓

and stuff, you know?

stuff

↓

And tomorrow we can shit on her.

tomorrow

↓

And she'll fight back and be happy again.

fight happy shell

↓

Say something!

↓

(listlessly): I decided to stop showering.

decided showering

↓

(Frank laughs) Too much, Frank, too much.

frank laughs

↓

That's...

↓

There was no joke told.

joke

↓

I just figured, "What's the point?

figured point

↓

I'm just a filthy person."

filthy person

↓

I passed out at the park the other day, and a couple of kids

couple kids park passed

↓

wrote, "Wash me" in the filth on my vagina.

filth vagina wash wrote

↓

(laughter) Gross.

gross laughter

↓

That was kind of funny, man.

funny

↓

That was kind of funny.

funny

↓

It was so gross.

gross

↓

It was gross.

gross

↓

Yeah, but that guy over there laughed.

laughed

↓

I guess, joke's on me.

jokes

↓

(laughter) There's the catchphrase.

catchphrase laughter

↓

Yeah, yeah! Ca...

↓

Yeah, that's like a ca...

↓

This is ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

I'm gonna go select some men for Dee.

select

↓

This is a waste of time.

waste

↓

Um, I stepped in front of a bus, but it missed me.

front missed stepped

↓

I can't even get a bus to hit on me.

↓

(laughter) People are laughing!

laughing laughter

↓

We love it!

love

↓

For real.

real

↓

For real?

real

↓

Yeah!

↓

Knock, knock, knock.

knock knock-knock

↓

Can we say hi? There she is!

↓

Comedy star.

comedy star

↓

Dee so funny.

funny

↓

Really funny.

funny

↓

Oh, my God, so funny.

funny

↓

Great! It was absolutely great!

absolutely

↓

You did the bus joke, and it was like...

joke

↓

They loved the catchphrase.

catchphrase loved

↓

They loved the catchphrase!

catchphrase loved

↓

And think about this, Dee.

↓

You didn't even gag once.

↓

Not one dry heave, nothing.

heave

↓

I guess I did pretty good.

↓

Yeah, great!

↓

"Pretty good," she said!

↓

Dee, it was one of those shows where you're, like, "Whoa!"

shows whoa

↓

Oh, my goodness.

goodness

↓

And then your brain goes (makes explosion sound).

brain explosion makes sound

↓

All right, guys, will you stop, okay?

↓

You're not helping.

helping

↓

Please, go get a drink, all right?

drink

↓

Give us a second.

second

↓

I need to talk to Dee.

↓

We tried.

tried

↓

Yeah, you tried.

tried

↓

That was it.

↓

Thanks, guys.

thanks

↓

All right, listen, listen to me.

↓

Your set tonight was terrible.

tonight

↓

It was atrocious.

↓

Every single thing that came out of your mouth was trash.

mouth single trash

↓

It was filth. It was disgusting.

disgusting filth

↓

That's what really happened, okay?

happened

↓

I want to be very clear about this.

clear

↓

Now, listen, I brought some men for you to look at, all right?

brought

↓

I've got some selections.

selections

↓

Now, they're not great.

↓

They're not, they're not anybody to brag about, but, uh, you

anybody brag

↓

know, they're men.

↓

And they're probably willing to spend their life with you, so...

life spend willing

↓

Uh, hey, uh, sorry to interrupt.

interrupt

↓

My name's Snyder, and I'm a talent scout.

names scout talent

↓

And I just caught your last set.

caught

↓

You were hilarious.

hilarious

↓

So I just wanted to give you my card.

card wanted

↓

Give me a call.

↓

No, she will not be calling you, sir, okay?

calling

↓

Please do not encourage her.

encourage

↓

Get out of here.

↓

You're-you're interrupting my work, all right?

interrupting

↓

You're not on my list of chosen men.

chosen list

↓

Why would you be?

↓

What are you...?

↓

Christ.

christ

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Why would you do that?

↓

Come on, Dee.

↓

That guy clearly just lurks around these places pretending

places pretending

↓

to be a talent scout so he can hit on women.

scout talent women

↓

Now look-look at my selects, all right?

↓

Look at these guys, huh?

↓

(Dee gasps) Yeah, I know.

gasps

↓

This one's just, like, one big chin.

chin ones

↓

Well, I didn't have a lot to work with.

↓

You know, here we are, and look at you.

↓

I mean, for Christ's sakes, look.

christs christs-sakes sakes

↓

Okay, I'm sorry.

↓

Look, I want this to work, I really do.

↓

So I know I can do better, all right?

↓

Can you do better, all right?

↓

I'm gonna be at your house tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m.

house morning tomorrow tomorrow-morning

↓

Have some new candidates for you to look at, all right?

candidates

↓

Okay.

↓

This is gonna work.

↓

This is not gonna work.

↓

Let's get you cleaned up, all right?

cleaned

↓

God, everything you did tonight was so gross.

gross tonight

↓

Dee, open up! Open!

open

↓

You're locking your door all of sudden?

door locking sudden

↓

What is that? Come on.

↓

You care all of a sudden?

care sudden

↓

What? What?

↓

Hey, let me in.

↓

I got selections for you.

selections

↓

Now's not a good time.

nows

↓

I'm right in the middle of something.

middle

↓

They're good selections.

selections

↓

Hey, it's the time I said, so it's the time it'll be.

itll

↓

Now let me in. I got selects.

↓

I don't care about your selects.

care

↓

Go!

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Are you hiding something?

hiding

↓

No.

↓

Is someone in there?

↓

No, no. Don't worry about it.

worry

↓

Let me in or I'll barge in.

barge

↓

Hey, everything all right over there, Dee?

↓

Yeah, it's fine.

↓

Oh, no.

↓

Dee, oh... Oh!

↓

Snyder?

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

He's clearly using you.

using

↓

Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.

career further using

↓

I am not using him.

using

↓

Oh, you're not using him?

using

↓

Nope.

nope

↓

Oh, good, good, good, good.

↓

So, you like him?

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Find him attractive?

attractive

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.

attractive describe ways

↓

(Dee scoffs) He's got... he's got all of

scoffs

↓

his skin, still.

skin

↓

Well, I would hope so.

hope

↓

And that he has plenty of...

plenty

↓

teeth to get...

teeth

↓

But not all of them?

↓

No, not all of them.

↓

Hmm.

↓

Dee, why can't you see that this is the same pattern that you

pattern

↓

always fall into?

fall

↓

Some guy uses you or you use him.

uses

↓

And then you know what happens?

happens

↓

It's use, use, use, fail, fail, fail, and then it's suicide.

fail suicide

↓

You think you can't go any lower?

lower

↓

Because you can.

↓

Oh, yeah?

↓

Well, he got me another gig for tonight, boner.

another boner tonight

↓

What do you think of about that?

↓

(making goofy noises) What-what is that?

goofy noises

↓

What are you... what are you doing?

↓

Sound effects.

effects sound sound-effects

↓

Oh, goddamn, Dee.

goddamn

↓

You have no idea what's funny.

funny idea

↓

Don't do sound effects.

effects sound sound-effects

↓

(Dee making goofy noises) Don't do... don't... wh-what...

goofy noises

↓

Oh, oh, oh.

↓

Hey, hey, hey! Oh!

↓

Hey, Dennis, oh, check this place out.

check dennis place

↓

This is legit.

legit

↓

Dude, dude, Dee's opening for Landslide.

dees landslide opening

↓

That guy's, like, the real deal.

deal real real-deal

↓

I've never heard of him.

heard

↓

Mostly diarrhea jokes.

diarrhea jokes mostly

↓

Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy, but it look-looks like this

diarrhea

↓

comedy stuff's paying off for her.

comedy paying stuffs

↓

Yeah, well...

↓

Hey, you don't get a gig like this by accident.

accident

↓

Oh, come on, don't get too excited, all right?

excited

↓

She got the gig 'cause she's banging some creep.

banging creep

↓

It's not gonna go well.

↓

Who's the nerd?

nerd

↓

Who, this guy? This is Walt.

walt

↓

Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem, just like Dee, so they're

esteem self self-esteem

↓

perfect for each other.

perfect

↓

So after she bombs tonight, I'll put them together, thereby

bombs thereby tonight

↓

controlling the situation, and her, as I always have and I

controlling situation

↓

always will.

↓

What?

↓

Uh... Walt, just Walt-Walt's the plan.

plan walt

↓

I'm Walt.

walt

↓

Yeah, shut up, Walt.

walt

↓

They know who you are.

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, Sweet Dee Reynolds!

gentlemen ladies reynolds sweet

↓

(crowd cheering) Sweet Dee!

cheering crowd crowd-cheering sweet

↓

(breathing into microphone) Sweet Dee, joke's on you!

breathing jokes microphone sweet

↓

(laughter) She's got fans now?

fans laughter

↓

Christ, come on.

christ

↓

So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day.

broke finally shower

↓

The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.

dirty flipped smells soap stink

↓

(laughter) She said "vagina."

laughter vagina

↓

A woman said "vagina."

vagina woman

↓

That's what makes it funny!

funny makes

↓

Tasteless.

↓

(robot voice): Vagina, vagina.

robot vagina voice

↓

Vagina, vagina.

vagina

↓

(laughter) (making fart noises)

fart laughter noises

↓

And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

absolutely effects setup sound sound-effects

↓

But it's funny!

funny

↓

It's not funny, it's not funny.

funny

↓

It's funny, Dennis.

dennis funny

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Will you stop laughing, Walt?

laughing walt

↓

Oh, my God, this is the worst.

worst

↓

People will laugh at absolutely anything.

absolutely laugh

↓

This is comedy?

comedy

↓

(laughter) So, men are just so hard.

hard laughter

↓

Tell you what, they all walk out on me.

walk

↓

Every one of them.

↓

I can't even keep crabs in this vagina.

crabs vagina

↓

(laughter) They're all like, "Clickety

laughter

↓

clackety, clickety clackety, clickety clackety clack.

↓

I got to get out of here!" (robot voice): Evacuate vagina.

evacuate robot vagina voice

↓

"Clickety clackety, clickety..."

↓

(making machine gun noises) The crabs have machine guns.

crabs guns machine noises

↓

That makes sense.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

All right, well, that's it for me tonight.

tonight

↓

I'd like to say it was fun, but I've had a better time ripping

fun ripping

↓

out my own pubes.

pubes

↓

Shellac, shellac, rip!

↓

(yelling wildly) Ping, ping, ping, ow!

ping wildly yelling

↓

(laughter) Okay, you guys, well, I'm Sweet

laughter sweet

↓

Dee, and the joke's on me!

jokes

↓

(crowd cheering) What is going on?

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

This is unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

Let's give it up for Landslide!

landslide

↓

(crowd cheering) Well, that was a funny white

cheering crowd crowd-cheering funny white

↓

bitch, wasn't it? (laughs) Skinny though.

bitch laughs skinny

↓

I took bigger dumps than her.

bigger dumps

↓

(making fart noises) (laughter)

fart laughter noises

↓

It's a landslide!

landslide

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

I bet his diarrhea is nasty!

diarrhea nasty

↓

Nasty!

nasty

↓

Oh, butts, vaginas and diarrhea, great.

butts diarrhea

↓

This is what the world's come to.

worlds

↓

(Charlie laughing) Hey, hey.

charlie laughing

↓

You're on the list?

list

↓

The list? I'm-I'm Sweet Dee's brother, so we're good.

brother dees list sweet sweet-dees

↓

Can't let you back there unless you're on the list.

list

↓

We got to be on that list.

list

↓

This is fantastic.

fantastic

↓

I'm not on a list for a place that I don't want to be.

list place

↓

You know how that feels?

feels

↓

Hey, Dee? Dee?

↓

Uh, don't play this game, Dee.

game

↓

I-I... We're five feet away from you, I know you hear...

feet five

↓

Deandra.

deandra

↓

Dee. Dee.

↓

Da.

↓

Da.

↓

Da.

↓

Dah.

↓

Dah.

↓

Dah. Dah.

↓

Dee. Dee.

↓

(all chanting different pronunciations of "Dee")

chanting

↓

Yes, yes, yes. What? What?

↓

Oh, hey.

↓

Hi. What?

↓

Hey, Dee, can we come back there with you?

↓

Yeah, hey, we're, like, you're biggest fans, like, great

biggest fans

↓

show, like, good job, like, shut up, I'm sorry.

↓

We're gonna start a fan club.

club start

↓

Oh, come on, stop kissing her ass.

kissing

↓

Dee, enough of this, okay?

↓

Step over the rope and come meet Walt.

meet rope step walt

↓

Tell you what.

↓

You three, you're in.

three

↓

Dennis, you're out.

dennis

↓

Go before she changes her mind, go.

changes mind

↓

Hey! Faced! Thanks, Dee.

faced thanks

↓

Dee, who do you think you are?

↓

What is the matter with you, Dennis?

dennis matter

↓

You see them?

↓

They're supporting me, okay?

supporting

↓

Because they believe in me.

believe

↓

A fan club could really help further my career.

career club further

↓

Career? Oh, wow, Dee.

career

↓

See, you don't have a career.

career

↓

All right? So I need you to stop all this right now.

↓

It's gone too far.

gone

↓

Now, come meet Walt.

meet walt

↓

He is my select.

select

↓

You know what I think this is about, Dennis?

dennis

↓

I think you're jealous.

jealous

↓

I don't think you want me to succeed.

succeed

↓

Dee, let me be very clear about something.

clear

↓

You will never succeed.

succeed

↓

Ever.

↓

Instead, you will fly too close to the sun, and you will choke

choke close

↓

and you will gag in a spectacular manner.

manner spectacular

↓

So, please, for the love of God, take Walt.

love walt

↓

Hi, I'm Walt.

walt

↓

She knows your goddamn name, Walt; I said it, like, a

goddamn knows name walt

↓

thousand times.

thousand thousand-times times

↓

Look, you know what?

↓

I don't want to be with Walt, okay?

walt

↓

And I don't want you to find me a man.

↓

What I need you to do is stay out of my way, because Sweet Dee

sweet

↓

is gonna be a star.

star

↓

(making machine gun noises) (laughter)

laughter machine noises

↓

♪ ♪ Oh.

↓

(crowd cheering) All right!

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

Here, buddy, everyone else.

buddy

↓

(laughter) (making machine gun noises)

laughter machine noises

↓

Right, I'm Sweet Dee, and the joke's on me!

jokes sweet

↓

Thank you very much.

↓

Good night.

night

↓

(crowd cheering wildly)

cheering crowd crowd-cheering wildly

↓

I don't care that you only have

care

↓

one mic. Look at me!

↓

Dee Reynolds does not use mics that other so-called comedians

called comedians reynolds

↓

have spit into, okay?

spit

↓

So get another one.

another

↓

Dee Reynolds?

reynolds

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Hi, I'm Michael Rotenberg.

michael

↓

I'm a talent manager from Los Angeles.

angeles manager talent

↓

I've heard a lot about you.

heard

↓

Oh, hi. Well...

↓

I've got a proposition for you.

proposition

↓

One of my bigger clients is supposed to do Conan tomorrow

bigger clients conan supposed tomorrow

↓

night, and something came up.

night

↓

They need to fill the spot, and I brought your name up.

brought fill name spot

↓

Are you interested?

interested

↓

Conan O...

conan

↓

Conan O'Brien?

conan obrien

↓

Yeah.

↓

I would love to represent you, too; I think you're amazing.

amazing love represent

↓

I can fly you to L.A. tomorrow on my private jet, and we can go

private tomorrow

↓

straight Conan.

conan straight

↓

What do you say?

↓

Uh, well, my goodness.

goodness

↓

This is all... This is all...

↓

This is all... (gags) This is all... (gags)

gags

↓

Oh, boy, hold on.

↓

Uh, you okay?

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah.

↓

It's just, uh, just had a little piece of sausage.

piece sausage

↓

Okay, I'm sure you did.

↓

Um, now, I'm not stepping on anyone's toes here, am I?

anyones stepping toes

↓

Do you already have representation?

representation

↓

Representation? No.

representation

↓

Hey, sweetheart, there you are.

sweetheart

↓

Ew! Mm-mm.

↓

Who the hell's that?

hells

↓

This is, uh, my new manager.

manager

↓

What?

↓

Sorry, Snyder, I don't need you anymore.

anymore

↓

This guy's taking me to Hollywood on a private jet.

hollywood private

↓

What? Hollywood!

hollywood

↓

Hollywood!

hollywood

↓

We're going to Hollywood!

hollywood

↓

No, no, no!

↓

We're not going anywhere.

↓

There's plenty of room if you want to take your friends.

friends plenty room

↓

There's no room, okay?

room

↓

I have no use for you guys anymore.

anymore

↓

Hey, what do you say we go back to my hotel and have sex?

hotel

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Screw you, guys.

screw

↓

What the hell, Dee?! We made you!

↓

I'm sorry, you made me?!

↓

You made me?!

↓

I made you!

↓

Screw you guys, all right?

screw

↓

(making goofy noises) Oh.

goofy noises

↓

- Here we go. - Okay.

↓

You excited?

excited

↓

Am I excited?

excited

↓

Y... yes, I am.

↓

Yes, I...

↓

Dee, wait, wait.

↓

Wait.

↓

I made a mistake.

mistake

↓

All this time, I've been searching for the perfect guy to

perfect searching

↓

take you off of my hands forever, but... I realized

forever hands realized

↓

something.

↓

The perfect guy's been under my nose the entire time.

entire nose perfect

↓

It's me, Dee.

↓

I'm the perfect select.

perfect select

↓

I know, I've spent my entire life shitting all over your

entire entire-life life shitting spent

↓

dreams, and not supporting you, but I was wrong, Dee.

dreams supporting

↓

I see that now.

↓

You can succeed.

succeed

↓

You will be a star.

star

↓

You have to take me.

↓

I'm your twin brother.

brother twin

↓

I love you, Dee.

love

↓

Dennis...

dennis

↓

suck my dick.

dick suck

↓

(Dennis grunting) Wait.

dennis grunting

↓

Dee!

↓

No, wait, Dee, wait!

↓

Don't do this, Dee!

↓

Dee, wait!

↓

Dee, stop!

↓

Don't fly away now!

↓

Dee, wait!

↓

Wait!

↓

So when we get to L.A., you're going straight into the

straight

↓

limo and right to Conan.

conan limo

↓

I'm gonna whisk you right backstage, and we go straight

backstage straight

↓

on.

↓

This is the big-time, Dee.

↓

You're not in Philadelphia anymore, okay?

anymore philadelphia

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

People are gonna be screaming your name, there's gonna be

name screaming

↓

paparazzi.

paparazzi

↓

Papa... whew.

papa whew

↓

(gagging): Paparazzi, huh?

gagging paparazzi

↓

Yes.

↓

I tipped them off.

tipped

↓

It's all about image.

image

↓

It's great!

↓

It's all great.

↓

It's all super sudden though, isn't it?

sudden super

↓

(gags) Ooh.

gags

↓

There's a real smell to that one.

real smell

↓

Yeah, that...

↓

Are you okay?

↓

That one was... came...

↓

started deep, that's all.

deep started

↓

This is your moment, Dee.

moment

↓

(Dee sighs) If you nail this, we're talking

nail sighs

↓

sitcoms, movie deals, the whole nine yards.

deals movie nine nine-yards sitcoms whole whole-nine whole-nine-yards yards

↓

Yeah.

↓

So let's get focused.

focused

↓

Yes.

↓

All right.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Let's focus.

focus

↓

Focus.

focus

↓

♪ ♪ ♪ Don't call it a comeback

comeback

↓

I've been here for years I'm rockin' my peers

peers rockin years

↓

♪ Puttin' suckers in fear I'm gonna take this

fear puttin suckers

↓

itty bitty world by storm And I'm just gettin' warm ♪

bitty gettin storm warm world

↓

(Dee retching) ♪ I'm gonna knock you out

knock retching

↓

Huh!

↓

Mama said knock you out ♪ Huh!

knock mama

↓

I'm gonna knock you out Huh!

knock

↓

♪ Mama said knock you out Huh!

knock mama

↓

I'm gonna knock you out (Dee retching)

knock retching

↓

♪ Mama said knock you out Huh! ♪

knock mama

↓

Welcome to Los Angeles.

angeles welcome

↓

Are you ready?

ready

↓

Okay.

↓

Here we go.

↓

♪ Mama said knock you out... ♪

knock mama

↓

(cameras clicking) (reporters shouting)

cameras clicking reporters shouting

↓

This is insane.

insane

↓

Driver, take the canyons.

driver

↓

Don't go on the highway.

highway

↓

Let's see...

↓

(gags) You're gonna be great!

gags

↓

You're gonna be great!

↓

(tires screeching) Here we go again.

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

You ready?

ready

↓

(reporters shouting) Okay, Dee is here, Dee

reporters shouting

↓

Reynolds is here!

reynolds

↓

Well, you're late.

late

↓

Hair and makeup!

hair makeup

↓

We got to go.

↓

The announcer's gonna call your name, you're gonna walk right

name walk

↓

through those curtains and do your routine.

curtains routine

↓

This is your moment, you got to grab it, jump on it, okay?

grab jump moment

↓

I'll be very... (gags) Good. You're gonna be great.

gags

↓

You made it, Dee.

↓

Dee, Dee, you're gonna be a star, all right?

star

↓

I made it, I made it.

↓

You made it.

↓

Okay, calm down, you can do this.

calm

↓

You did this all by yourself, you can do this.

↓

Okay.

↓

CONAN: Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny woman, Miss Sweet

conan funny gentlemen ladies miss sweet woman

↓

Dee Reynolds.

reynolds

↓

Dee Reynolds is a star.

reynolds star

↓

(music playing, crowd cheering)

cheering crowd crowd-cheering music music-playing playing

↓

The joke's on you!

jokes

↓

(noisemakers blaring) (crowd cheering)

blaring cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

(Landslide whooping) (chanting): Speech, speech,

chanting landslide speech whooping

↓

speech, speech, speech...

speech

↓

(chanting continues) Shh, shh, shh!

chanting continues

↓

What...

↓

What is going on?

↓

We got you, Dee!

↓

We tricked you, we tricked you, we tricked you!

tricked

↓

We set the whole thing up!

whole

↓

You know?

↓

Yeah!

↓

None of that was real.

real

↓

All of these people are actors.

actors

↓

I chartered a jet.

↓

We flew all over Philadelphia for six hours.

flew hours philadelphia

↓

And I'm a garbage man.

garbage

↓

He's a garbage man!

garbage

↓

He's your garbage man!

garbage

↓

You've met him.

↓

None of this is real, Dee!

real

↓

None of it!

↓

Hey, hey, some of it was real.

real

↓

Yeah!

↓

You banged that guy!

banged

↓

(laughter) Hey, best part?

best best-part laughter part

↓

Dennis wasn't even in on any of it!

dennis

↓

(laughs) I was and I wasn't.

laughs

↓

I was and I wasn't.

↓

He wasn't, he wasn't.

↓

No, no, no.

↓

No, we knew we had to drag him through the mud, make it seem

drag

↓

legit.

legit

↓

It was great, it was great.

↓

The joke's on him, too!

jokes

↓

Yeah, joke's on him!

jokes

↓

(noisemakers blare) Well, it was good.

blare

↓

It was a good joke.

joke

↓

It was a good joke.

joke

↓

Good joke, guys, I love jokes.

joke jokes love

↓

She's got more to say.

↓

Oh.

↓

She's got more to say.

↓

Why would you do this?

↓

Oh, well, you know, you were being all mopey and annoying...

annoying

↓

Yeah.

↓

...complaining and stuff.

complaining stuff

↓

We wanted to show you that you could sink lower.

lower sink wanted

↓

Talking about killing yourself, ugh.

killing

↓

Some things you just don't joke about, okay?

joke

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

You took it too far.

↓

Right.

↓

Too far.

↓

Yeah.

↓

I took it too far?

↓

That's what I said.

↓

Oh... I took... I took it too far?

↓

Oh, God, you sons of bitches!

bitches sons

↓

(roaring) And there she goes!

roaring

↓

She's back!

↓

(laughter) I... no!

laughter

↓

All right, so we got Dee back, and I think we may have

↓

broke Dennis.

broke dennis

↓

Broke me?

broke

↓

Nah, come on, I'm good.

↓

(laughs) I love all this.

laughs love

↓

This is great.

↓

I'm gonna pop out for a little while.

↓

(laughing) He's not loving it.

laughing loving

↓

He's not.

↓

He's not loving it.

loving

↓

No, he's not. (yells) He might go kill himself.

kill might yells

↓

(noisemakers blare)

blare