Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E01 — The Gang Broke Dee

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 1 — The Gang Broke Dee

♪ When I'm too blind to see And how you used the love

#1

⇓

you doing?

#3

⇓

DEE: I'm eating cake.

#4

⇓

I can see that you're eating cake, but that's Frank's

#5

⇓

cake from, like, a month ago.

#6

⇓

I threw that in the trash!

#7

⇓

DENNIS: Oh, my God.

#8

⇓

Seriously?

#9

⇓

Yes!

#10

⇓

Dee, you're eating trash cake and smoking?

#11

⇓

I mean, you know what you look like?

#12

⇓

You look like...

#13

⇓

Like a bird?

#14

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, of course you look like a bird.

#15

⇓

Yeah.

#16

⇓

You always look like a bird.

#17

⇓

But I was gonna say, uh, you look like a...

#18

⇓

Like a, like a bird lady covered in bird shit

#19

⇓

eating cake?

#20

⇓

Dee, slow down, all right?

#21

⇓

Yeah. Let the man do this.

#22

⇓

Let me do my thing.

#23

⇓

You're jumping on my thing here.

#24

⇓

MAC: You know what she looks like?

#25

⇓

She looks like a bird that has no...

#26

⇓

A bird with no tits and no ass?

#27

⇓

Dee, let us handle...

#28

⇓

Yeah.

#29

⇓

FRANK: I got one, I got one.

#30

⇓

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

#31

⇓

She looks like...

#32

⇓

Like a bird.

#33

⇓

That was it.

#34

⇓

Was that it?

#35

⇓

Ah...

#36

⇓

That was it.

#37

⇓

See? That would have been funny, Dee.

#38

⇓

Right. Yeah, Dee, don't...

#39

⇓

What are you doing?

#40

⇓

You know, that's not fun.

#41

⇓

Stop. Stop whatever this is.

#42

⇓

I don't like it.

#43

⇓

I'm sorry, you guys.

#44

⇓

I'm sorry.

#45

⇓

Don't apologize.

#46

⇓

That's just sad.

#47

⇓

Fight back at us.

#48

⇓

What's the point?

#49

⇓

The joke's always on me, all right?

#50

⇓

I get it.

#51

⇓

Yeah, but it's no fun unless you fight back.

#52

⇓

Yeah.

#53

⇓

Yeah, I'm just gonna go home.

#54

⇓

Good, go home.

#55

⇓

I hope you, uh...

#56

⇓

You hope I get hit by a bus?

#57

⇓

Dee, come on, that's...

#58

⇓

What difference does it make?

#59

⇓

I can't get any lower than I am already.

#60

⇓

I might as well just throw myself in front of a bus

#61

⇓

though, because I'm so ugly I can't even get a bus

#62

⇓

to hit on me.

#63

⇓

Well.

#64

⇓

Geez.

#65

⇓

What the hell was that all about?

#66

⇓

I'll tell you exactly what that was.

#67

⇓

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

#68

⇓

(door opens) Dee? Dee, are you dead?

#69

⇓

Did you kill yourself, Dee, or...?

#70

⇓

Ah.

#71

⇓

Dee, why is your door unlocked?

#72

⇓

Do you realize how unsafe that is?

#73

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#74

⇓

Okay, Dee, this is truly pathetic, and you are

#75

⇓

really bringing us down, so we're gonna help you out.

#76

⇓

We realize we may be in some ways responsible for the

#77

⇓

state you're in.

#78

⇓

Yeah, all right, so we got an idea though, okay?

#79

⇓

We're gonna sign you up for an open mic night at a

#80

⇓

comedy club!

#81

⇓

Yes.

#82

⇓

Right? That's your thing!

#83

⇓

And we're actually gonna support you, Dee.

#84

⇓

And now that you don't care anymore, you're not gonna

#85

⇓

gag on stage.

#86

⇓

Yeah, you know, you're right in that sweet spot between,

#87

⇓

like, suicidal and actually dead, where most comedians,

#88

⇓

they thrive there.

#89

⇓

Yeah, what was that thing you said about how the joke's always

#90

⇓

on you?

#91

⇓

That could be a catchphrase.

#92

⇓

Dee, look, I don't want to pile on here, 'cause you're

#93

⇓

clearly very close to killing yourself...

#94

⇓

Yeah.

#95

⇓

...but I got to say, I totally disagree with the guys

#96

⇓

on this.

#97

⇓

I'm glad you've given up.

#98

⇓

And I want to propose something totally different: I would like

#99

⇓

to find you a man.

#100

⇓

Come on.

#101

⇓

Yeah. A man to settle down with.

#102

⇓

Now, I'm not talking about a smart man, not-not

#103

⇓

a handsome man, but a very, very average if not

#104

⇓

below average man to take you off of our hands forever.

#105

⇓

Yeah, okay. Go ahead.

#106

⇓

Go with it.

#107

⇓

Go with it?

#108

⇓

Which one?

#109

⇓

You were not clear.

#110

⇓

The thing. Whatever. Both.

#111

⇓

I don't care.

#112

⇓

Let's-let's do my plan.

#113

⇓

The comedy plan.

#114

⇓

Let's do our plan.

#115

⇓

We're gonna do the comedy plan, all right?

#116

⇓

Meh.

#117

⇓

(breathing into microphone)

#118

⇓

(hushed): Dude, she is gonna

#119

⇓

bomb so hard, and then she's gonna feel worse.

#120

⇓

(hushed): It's okay, dude.

#121

⇓

She'll tell a couple jokes, and then we'll, like, fake laugh

#122

⇓

and stuff, you know?

#123

⇓

And tomorrow we can shit on her.

#124

⇓

And she'll fight back and be happy again.

#125

⇓

Say something!

#126

⇓

(listlessly): I decided to stop showering.

#127

⇓

(Frank laughs) Too much, Frank, too much.

#128

⇓

That's...

#129

⇓

There was no joke told.

#130

⇓

I just figured, "What's the point?

#131

⇓

I'm just a filthy person."

#132

⇓

I passed out at the park the other day, and a couple of kids

#133

⇓

wrote, "Wash me" in the filth on my vagina.

#134

⇓

(laughter) Gross.

#135

⇓

That was kind of funny, man.

#136

⇓

That was kind of funny.

#137

⇓

It was so gross.

#138

⇓

It was gross.

#139

⇓

Yeah, but that guy over there laughed.

#140

⇓

I guess, joke's on me.

#141

⇓

(laughter) There's the catchphrase.

#142

⇓

Yeah, yeah! Ca...

#143

⇓

Yeah, that's like a ca...

#144

⇓

This is ridiculous.

#145

⇓

I'm gonna go select some men for Dee.

#146

⇓

This is a waste of time.

#147

⇓

Um, I stepped in front of a bus, but it missed me.

#148

⇓

I can't even get a bus to hit on me.

#149

⇓

(laughter) People are laughing!

#150

⇓

We love it!

#151

⇓

For real.

#152

⇓

For real?

#153

⇓

Yeah!

#154

⇓

Knock, knock, knock.

#155

⇓

Can we say hi? There she is!

#156

⇓

Comedy star.

#157

⇓

Dee so funny.

#158

⇓

Really funny.

#159

⇓

Oh, my God, so funny.

#160

⇓

Great! It was absolutely great!

#161

⇓

You did the bus joke, and it was like...

#162

⇓

They loved the catchphrase.

#163

⇓

They loved the catchphrase!

#164

⇓

And think about this, Dee.

#165

⇓

You didn't even gag once.

#166

⇓

Not one dry heave, nothing.

#167

⇓

I guess I did pretty good.

#168

⇓

Yeah, great!

#169

⇓

"Pretty good," she said!

#170

⇓

Dee, it was one of those shows where you're, like, "Whoa!"

#171

⇓

Oh, my goodness.

#172

⇓

And then your brain goes (makes explosion sound).

#173

⇓

All right, guys, will you stop, okay?

#174

⇓

You're not helping.

#175

⇓

Please, go get a drink, all right?

#176

⇓

Give us a second.

#177

⇓

I need to talk to Dee.

#178

⇓

We tried.

#179

⇓

Yeah, you tried.

#180

⇓

That was it.

#181

⇓

Thanks, guys.

#182

⇓

All right, listen, listen to me.

#183

⇓

Your set tonight was terrible.

#184

⇓

It was atrocious.

#185

⇓

Every single thing that came out of your mouth was trash.

#186

⇓

It was filth. It was disgusting.

#187

⇓

That's what really happened, okay?

#188

⇓

I want to be very clear about this.

#189

⇓

Now, listen, I brought some men for you to look at, all right?

#190

⇓

I've got some selections.

#191

⇓

Now, they're not great.

#192

⇓

They're not, they're not anybody to brag about, but, uh, you

#193

⇓

know, they're men.

#194

⇓

And they're probably willing to spend their life with you, so...

#195

⇓

Uh, hey, uh, sorry to interrupt.

#196

⇓

My name's Snyder, and I'm a talent scout.

#197

⇓

And I just caught your last set.

#198

⇓

You were hilarious.

#199

⇓

So I just wanted to give you my card.

#200

⇓

Give me a call.

#201

⇓

No, she will not be calling you, sir, okay?

#202

⇓

Please do not encourage her.

#203

⇓

Get out of here.

#204

⇓

You're-you're interrupting my work, all right?

#205

⇓

You're not on my list of chosen men.

#206

⇓

Why would you be?

#207

⇓

What are you...?

#208

⇓

Christ.

#209

⇓

What are you doing?

#210

⇓

Why would you do that?

#211

⇓

Come on, Dee.

#212

⇓

That guy clearly just lurks around these places pretending

#213

⇓

to be a talent scout so he can hit on women.

#214

⇓

Now look-look at my selects, all right?

#215

⇓

Look at these guys, huh?

#216

⇓

(Dee gasps) Yeah, I know.

#217

⇓

This one's just, like, one big chin.

#218

⇓

Well, I didn't have a lot to work with.

#219

⇓

You know, here we are, and look at you.

#220

⇓

I mean, for Christ's sakes, look.

#221

⇓

Okay, I'm sorry.

#222

⇓

Look, I want this to work, I really do.

#223

⇓

So I know I can do better, all right?

#224

⇓

Can you do better, all right?

#225

⇓

I'm gonna be at your house tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m.

#226

⇓

Have some new candidates for you to look at, all right?

#227

⇓

Okay.

#228

⇓

This is gonna work.

#229

⇓

This is not gonna work.

#230

⇓

Let's get you cleaned up, all right?

#231

⇓

God, everything you did tonight was so gross.

#232

⇓

Dee, open up! Open!

#233

⇓

You're locking your door all of sudden?

#234

⇓

What is that? Come on.

#235

⇓

You care all of a sudden?

#236

⇓

What? What?

#237

⇓

Hey, let me in.

#238

⇓

I got selections for you.

#239

⇓

Now's not a good time.

#240

⇓

I'm right in the middle of something.

#241

⇓

They're good selections.

#242

⇓

Hey, it's the time I said, so it's the time it'll be.

#243

⇓

Now let me in. I got selects.

#244

⇓

I don't care about your selects.

#245

⇓

Go!

#246

⇓

What are you doing?

#247

⇓

Are you hiding something?

#248

⇓

No.

#249

⇓

Is someone in there?

#250

⇓

No, no. Don't worry about it.

#251

⇓

Let me in or I'll barge in.

#252

⇓

Hey, everything all right over there, Dee?

#253

⇓

Yeah, it's fine.

#254

⇓

Oh, no.

#255

⇓

Dee, oh... Oh!

#256

⇓

Snyder?

#257

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#258

⇓

He's clearly using you.

#259

⇓

Or you're using him to further your nonexistent career.

#260

⇓

I am not using him.

#261

⇓

Oh, you're not using him?

#262

⇓

Nope.

#263

⇓

Oh, good, good, good, good.

#264

⇓

So, you like him?

#265

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#266

⇓

Find him attractive?

#267

⇓

Absolutely.

#268

⇓

Describe the ways in which you find him attractive.

#269

⇓

(Dee scoffs) He's got... he's got all of

#270

⇓

his skin, still.

#271

⇓

Well, I would hope so.

#272

⇓

And that he has plenty of...

#273

⇓

teeth to get...

#274

⇓

But not all of them?

#275

⇓

No, not all of them.

#276

⇓

Hmm.

#277

⇓

Dee, why can't you see that this is the same pattern that you

#278

⇓

always fall into?

#279

⇓

Some guy uses you or you use him.

#280

⇓

And then you know what happens?

#281

⇓

It's use, use, use, fail, fail, fail, and then it's suicide.

#282

⇓

You think you can't go any lower?

#283

⇓

Because you can.

#284

⇓

Oh, yeah?

#285

⇓

Well, he got me another gig for tonight, boner.

#286

⇓

What do you think of about that?

#287

⇓

(making goofy noises) What-what is that?

#288

⇓

What are you... what are you doing?

#289

⇓

Sound effects.

#290

⇓

Oh, goddamn, Dee.

#291

⇓

You have no idea what's funny.

#292

⇓

Don't do sound effects.

#293

⇓

(Dee making goofy noises) Don't do... don't... wh-what...

#294

⇓

Oh, oh, oh.

#295

⇓

Hey, hey, hey! Oh!

#296

⇓

Hey, Dennis, oh, check this place out.

#297

⇓

This is legit.

#298

⇓

Dude, dude, Dee's opening for Landslide.

#299

⇓

That guy's, like, the real deal.

#300

⇓

I've never heard of him.

#301

⇓

Mostly diarrhea jokes.

#302

⇓

Yeah, he's the diarrhea guy, but it look-looks like this

#303

⇓

comedy stuff's paying off for her.

#304

⇓

Yeah, well...

#305

⇓

Hey, you don't get a gig like this by accident.

#306

⇓

Oh, come on, don't get too excited, all right?

#307

⇓

She got the gig 'cause she's banging some creep.

#308

⇓

It's not gonna go well.

#309

⇓

Who's the nerd?

#310

⇓

Who, this guy? This is Walt.

#311

⇓

Yeah, guy's got no self-esteem, just like Dee, so they're

#312

⇓

perfect for each other.

#313

⇓

So after she bombs tonight, I'll put them together, thereby

#314

⇓

controlling the situation, and her, as I always have and I

#315

⇓

always will.

#316

⇓

What?

#317

⇓

Uh... Walt, just Walt-Walt's the plan.

#318

⇓

I'm Walt.

#319

⇓

Yeah, shut up, Walt.

#320

⇓

They know who you are.

#321

⇓

I'm sorry.

#322

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, Sweet Dee Reynolds!

#323

⇓

(crowd cheering) Sweet Dee!

#324

⇓

(breathing into microphone) Sweet Dee, joke's on you!

#325

⇓

(laughter) She's got fans now?

#326

⇓

Christ, come on.

#327

⇓

So I finally broke down and I took a shower the other day.

#328

⇓

The stink flipped around and now my soap smells like dirty vag.

#329

⇓

(laughter) She said "vagina."

#330

⇓

A woman said "vagina."

#331

⇓

That's what makes it funny!

#332

⇓

Tasteless.

#333

⇓

(robot voice): Vagina, vagina.

#334

⇓

Vagina, vagina.

#335

⇓

(laughter) (making fart noises)

#336

⇓

And the sound effects out of absolutely nowhere, no setup.

#337

⇓

But it's funny!

#338

⇓

It's not funny, it's not funny.

#339

⇓

It's funny, Dennis.

#340

⇓

What are you doing?

#341

⇓

Will you stop laughing, Walt?

#342

⇓

Oh, my God, this is the worst.

#343

⇓

People will laugh at absolutely anything.

#344

⇓

This is comedy?

#345

⇓

(laughter) So, men are just so hard.

#346

⇓

Tell you what, they all walk out on me.

#347

⇓

Every one of them.

#348

⇓

I can't even keep crabs in this vagina.

#349

⇓

(laughter) They're all like, "Clickety

#350

⇓

clackety, clickety clackety, clickety clackety clack.

#351

⇓

I got to get out of here!" (robot voice): Evacuate vagina.

#352

⇓

"Clickety clackety, clickety..."

#353

⇓

(making machine gun noises) The crabs have machine guns.

#354

⇓

That makes sense.

#355

⇓

All right, well, that's it for me tonight.

#356

⇓

I'd like to say it was fun, but I've had a better time ripping

#357

⇓

out my own pubes.

#358

⇓

Shellac, shellac, rip!

#359

⇓

(yelling wildly) Ping, ping, ping, ow!

#360

⇓

(laughter) Okay, you guys, well, I'm Sweet

#361

⇓

Dee, and the joke's on me!

#362

⇓

(crowd cheering) What is going on?

#363

⇓

This is unbelievable.

#364

⇓

Let's give it up for Landslide!

#365

⇓

(crowd cheering) Well, that was a funny white

#366

⇓

bitch, wasn't it? (laughs) Skinny though.

#367

⇓

I took bigger dumps than her.

#368

⇓

(making fart noises) (laughter)

#369

⇓

It's a landslide!

#370

⇓

Oh, my God.

#371

⇓

I bet his diarrhea is nasty!

#372

⇓

Nasty!

#373

⇓

Oh, butts, vaginas and diarrhea, great.

#374

⇓

This is what the world's come to.

#375

⇓

(Charlie laughing) Hey, hey.

#376

⇓

You're on the list?

#377

⇓

The list? I'm-I'm Sweet Dee's brother, so we're good.

#378

⇓

Can't let you back there unless you're on the list.

#379

⇓

We got to be on that list.

#380

⇓

This is fantastic.

#381

⇓

I'm not on a list for a place that I don't want to be.

#382

⇓

You know how that feels?

#383

⇓

Hey, Dee? Dee?

#384

⇓

Uh, don't play this game, Dee.

#385

⇓

I-I... We're five feet away from you, I know you hear...

#386

⇓

Deandra.

#387

⇓

Dee. Dee.

#388

⇓

Da.

#389

⇓

Da.

#390

⇓

Da.

#391

⇓

Dah.

#392

⇓

Dah.

#393

⇓

Dah. Dah.

#394

⇓

Dee. Dee.

#395

⇓

(all chanting different pronunciations of "Dee")

#396

⇓

Yes, yes, yes. What? What?

#397

⇓

Oh, hey.

#398

⇓

Hi. What?

#399

⇓

Hey, Dee, can we come back there with you?

#400

⇓

Yeah, hey, we're, like, you're biggest fans, like, great

#401

⇓

show, like, good job, like, shut up, I'm sorry.

#402

⇓

We're gonna start a fan club.

#403

⇓

Oh, come on, stop kissing her ass.

#404

⇓

Dee, enough of this, okay?

#405

⇓

Step over the rope and come meet Walt.

#406

⇓

Tell you what.

#407

⇓

You three, you're in.

#408

⇓

Dennis, you're out.

#409

⇓

Go before she changes her mind, go.

#410

⇓

Hey! Faced! Thanks, Dee.

#411

⇓

Dee, who do you think you are?

#412

⇓

What is the matter with you, Dennis?

#413

⇓

You see them?

#414

⇓

They're supporting me, okay?

#415

⇓

Because they believe in me.

#416

⇓

A fan club could really help further my career.

#417

⇓

Career? Oh, wow, Dee.

#418

⇓

See, you don't have a career.

#419

⇓

All right? So I need you to stop all this right now.

#420

⇓

It's gone too far.

#421

⇓

Now, come meet Walt.

#422

⇓

He is my select.

#423

⇓

You know what I think this is about, Dennis?

#424

⇓

I think you're jealous.

#425

⇓

I don't think you want me to succeed.

#426

⇓

Dee, let me be very clear about something.

#427

⇓

You will never succeed.

#428

⇓

Ever.

#429

⇓

Instead, you will fly too close to the sun, and you will choke

#430

⇓

and you will gag in a spectacular manner.

#431

⇓

So, please, for the love of God, take Walt.

#432

⇓

Hi, I'm Walt.

#433

⇓

She knows your goddamn name, Walt; I said it, like, a

#434

⇓

thousand times.

#435

⇓

Look, you know what?

#436

⇓

I don't want to be with Walt, okay?

#437

⇓

And I don't want you to find me a man.

#438

⇓

What I need you to do is stay out of my way, because Sweet Dee

#439

⇓

is gonna be a star.

#440

⇓

(making machine gun noises) (laughter)

#441

⇓

♪ ♪ Oh.

#442

⇓

(crowd cheering) All right!

#443

⇓

Here, buddy, everyone else.

#444

⇓

(laughter) (making machine gun noises)

#445

⇓

Right, I'm Sweet Dee, and the joke's on me!

#446

⇓

Thank you very much.

#447

⇓

Good night.

#448

⇓

(crowd cheering wildly)

#449

⇓

I don't care that you only have

#450

⇓

one mic. Look at me!

#451

⇓

Dee Reynolds does not use mics that other so-called comedians

#452

⇓

have spit into, okay?

#453

⇓

So get another one.

#454

⇓

Dee Reynolds?

#455

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#456

⇓

Hi, I'm Michael Rotenberg.

#457

⇓

I'm a talent manager from Los Angeles.

#458

⇓

I've heard a lot about you.

#459

⇓

Oh, hi. Well...

#460

⇓

I've got a proposition for you.

#461

⇓

One of my bigger clients is supposed to do Conan tomorrow

#462

⇓

night, and something came up.

#463

⇓

They need to fill the spot, and I brought your name up.

#464

⇓

Are you interested?

#465

⇓

Conan O...

#466

⇓

Conan O'Brien?

#467

⇓

Yeah.

#468

⇓

I would love to represent you, too; I think you're amazing.

#469

⇓

I can fly you to L.A. tomorrow on my private jet, and we can go

#470

⇓

straight Conan.

#471

⇓

What do you say?

#472

⇓

Uh, well, my goodness.

#473

⇓

This is all... This is all...

#474

⇓

This is all... (gags) This is all... (gags)

#475

⇓

Oh, boy, hold on.

#476

⇓

Uh, you okay?

#477

⇓

Oh, yeah, yeah.

#478

⇓

It's just, uh, just had a little piece of sausage.

#479

⇓

Okay, I'm sure you did.

#480

⇓

Um, now, I'm not stepping on anyone's toes here, am I?

#481

⇓

Do you already have representation?

#482

⇓

Representation? No.

#483

⇓

Hey, sweetheart, there you are.

#484

⇓

Ew! Mm-mm.

#485

⇓

Who the hell's that?

#486

⇓

This is, uh, my new manager.

#487

⇓

What?

#488

⇓

Sorry, Snyder, I don't need you anymore.

#489

⇓

This guy's taking me to Hollywood on a private jet.

#490

⇓

What? Hollywood!

#491

⇓

Hollywood!

#492

⇓

We're going to Hollywood!

#493

⇓

No, no, no!

#494

⇓

We're not going anywhere.

#495

⇓

There's plenty of room if you want to take your friends.

#496

⇓

There's no room, okay?

#497

⇓

I have no use for you guys anymore.

#498

⇓

Hey, what do you say we go back to my hotel and have sex?

#499

⇓

Absolutely.

#500

⇓

Screw you, guys.

#501

⇓

What the hell, Dee?! We made you!

#502

⇓

I'm sorry, you made me?!

#503

⇓

You made me?!

#504

⇓

I made you!

#505

⇓

Screw you guys, all right?

#506

⇓

(making goofy noises) Oh.

#507

⇓

- Here we go. - Okay.

#508

⇓

You excited?

#509

⇓

Am I excited?

#510

⇓

Y... yes, I am.

#511

⇓

Yes, I...

#512

⇓

Dee, wait, wait.

#513

⇓

Wait.

#514

⇓

I made a mistake.

#515

⇓

All this time, I've been searching for the perfect guy to

#516

⇓

take you off of my hands forever, but... I realized

#517

⇓

something.

#518

⇓

The perfect guy's been under my nose the entire time.

#519

⇓

It's me, Dee.

#520

⇓

I'm the perfect select.

#521

⇓

I know, I've spent my entire life shitting all over your

#522

⇓

dreams, and not supporting you, but I was wrong, Dee.

#523

⇓

I see that now.

#524

⇓

You can succeed.

#525

⇓

You will be a star.

#526

⇓

You have to take me.

#527

⇓

I'm your twin brother.

#528

⇓

I love you, Dee.

#529

⇓

Dennis...

#530

⇓

suck my dick.

#531

⇓

(Dennis grunting) Wait.

#532

⇓

Dee!

#533

⇓

No, wait, Dee, wait!

#534

⇓

Don't do this, Dee!

#535

⇓

Dee, wait!

#536

⇓

Dee, stop!

#537

⇓

Don't fly away now!

#538

⇓

Dee, wait!

#539

⇓

Wait!

#540

⇓

So when we get to L.A., you're going straight into the

#541

⇓

limo and right to Conan.

#542

⇓

I'm gonna whisk you right backstage, and we go straight

#543

⇓

on.

#544

⇓

This is the big-time, Dee.

#545

⇓

You're not in Philadelphia anymore, okay?

#546

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#547

⇓

People are gonna be screaming your name, there's gonna be

#548

⇓

paparazzi.

#549

⇓

Papa... whew.

#550

⇓

(gagging): Paparazzi, huh?

#551

⇓

Yes.

#552

⇓

I tipped them off.

#553

⇓

It's all about image.

#554

⇓

It's great!

#555

⇓

It's all great.

#556

⇓

It's all super sudden though, isn't it?

#557

⇓

(gags) Ooh.

#558

⇓

There's a real smell to that one.

#559

⇓

Yeah, that...

#560

⇓

Are you okay?

#561

⇓

That one was... came...

#562

⇓

started deep, that's all.

#563

⇓

This is your moment, Dee.

#564

⇓

(Dee sighs) If you nail this, we're talking

#565

⇓

sitcoms, movie deals, the whole nine yards.

#566

⇓

Yeah.

#567

⇓

So let's get focused.

#568

⇓

Yes.

#569

⇓

All right.

#570

⇓

Yeah.

#571

⇓

Let's focus.

#572

⇓

Focus.

#573

⇓

♪ ♪ ♪ Don't call it a comeback

#574

⇓

I've been here for years I'm rockin' my peers

#575

⇓

♪ Puttin' suckers in fear I'm gonna take this

#576

⇓

itty bitty world by storm And I'm just gettin' warm ♪

#577

⇓

(Dee retching) ♪ I'm gonna knock you out

#578

⇓

Huh!

#579

⇓

Mama said knock you out ♪ Huh!

#580

⇓

I'm gonna knock you out Huh!

#581

⇓

♪ Mama said knock you out Huh!

#582

⇓

I'm gonna knock you out (Dee retching)

#583

⇓

♪ Mama said knock you out Huh! ♪

#584

⇓

Welcome to Los Angeles.

#585

⇓

Are you ready?

#586

⇓

Okay.

#587

⇓

Here we go.

#588

⇓

♪ Mama said knock you out... ♪

#589

⇓

(cameras clicking) (reporters shouting)

#590

⇓

This is insane.

#591

⇓

Driver, take the canyons.

#592

⇓

Don't go on the highway.

#593

⇓

Let's see...

#594

⇓

(gags) You're gonna be great!

#595

⇓

You're gonna be great!

#596

⇓

(tires screeching) Here we go again.

#597

⇓

You ready?

#598

⇓

(reporters shouting) Okay, Dee is here, Dee

#599

⇓

Reynolds is here!

#600

⇓

Well, you're late.

#601

⇓

Hair and makeup!

#602

⇓

We got to go.

#603

⇓

The announcer's gonna call your name, you're gonna walk right

#604

⇓

through those curtains and do your routine.

#605

⇓

This is your moment, you got to grab it, jump on it, okay?

#606

⇓

I'll be very... (gags) Good. You're gonna be great.

#607

⇓

You made it, Dee.

#608

⇓

Dee, Dee, you're gonna be a star, all right?

#609

⇓

I made it, I made it.

#610

⇓

You made it.

#611

⇓

Okay, calm down, you can do this.

#612

⇓

You did this all by yourself, you can do this.

#613

⇓

Okay.

#614

⇓

CONAN: Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny woman, Miss Sweet

#615

⇓

Dee Reynolds.

#616

⇓

Dee Reynolds is a star.

#617

⇓

(music playing, crowd cheering)

#618

⇓

The joke's on you!

#619

⇓

(noisemakers blaring) (crowd cheering)

#620

⇓

(Landslide whooping) (chanting): Speech, speech,

#621

⇓

speech, speech, speech...

#622

⇓

(chanting continues) Shh, shh, shh!

#623

⇓

What...

#624

⇓

What is going on?

#625

⇓

We got you, Dee!

#626

⇓

We tricked you, we tricked you, we tricked you!

#627

⇓

We set the whole thing up!

#628

⇓

You know?

#629

⇓

Yeah!

#630

⇓

None of that was real.

#631

⇓

All of these people are actors.

#632

⇓

I chartered a jet.

#633

⇓

We flew all over Philadelphia for six hours.

#634

⇓

And I'm a garbage man.

#635

⇓

He's a garbage man!

#636

⇓

He's your garbage man!

#637

⇓

You've met him.

#638

⇓

None of this is real, Dee!

#639

⇓

None of it!

#640

⇓

Hey, hey, some of it was real.

#641

⇓

Yeah!

#642

⇓

You banged that guy!

#643

⇓

(laughter) Hey, best part?

#644

⇓

Dennis wasn't even in on any of it!

#645

⇓

(laughs) I was and I wasn't.

#646

⇓

I was and I wasn't.

#647

⇓

He wasn't, he wasn't.

#648

⇓

No, no, no.

#649

⇓

No, we knew we had to drag him through the mud, make it seem

#650

⇓

legit.

#651

⇓

It was great, it was great.

#652

⇓

The joke's on him, too!

#653

⇓

Yeah, joke's on him!

#654

⇓

(noisemakers blare) Well, it was good.

#655

⇓

It was a good joke.

#656

⇓

It was a good joke.

#657

⇓

Good joke, guys, I love jokes.

#658

⇓

She's got more to say.

#659

⇓

Oh.

#660

⇓

She's got more to say.

#661

⇓

Why would you do this?

#662

⇓

Oh, well, you know, you were being all mopey and annoying...

#663

⇓

Yeah.

#664

⇓

...complaining and stuff.

#665

⇓

We wanted to show you that you could sink lower.

#666

⇓

Talking about killing yourself, ugh.

#667

⇓

Some things you just don't joke about, okay?

#668

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#669

⇓

You took it too far.

#670

⇓

Right.

#671

⇓

Too far.

#672

⇓

Yeah.

#673

⇓

I took it too far?

#674

⇓

That's what I said.

#675

⇓

Oh... I took... I took it too far?

#676

⇓

Oh, God, you sons of bitches!

#677

⇓

(roaring) And there she goes!

#678

⇓

She's back!

#679

⇓

(laughter) I... no!

#680

⇓

All right, so we got Dee back, and I think we may have

#681

⇓

broke Dennis.

#682

⇓

Broke me?

#683

⇓

Nah, come on, I'm good.

#684

⇓

(laughs) I love all this.

#685

⇓

This is great.

#686

⇓

I'm gonna pop out for a little while.

#687

⇓

(laughing) He's not loving it.

#688

⇓

He's not.

#689

⇓

He's not loving it.

#690

⇓

No, he's not. (yells) He might go kill himself.

#691

⇓

(noisemakers blare)

#692

⇓