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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E01 — Mac Fights Gay Marriage

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 1 — Mac Fights Gay Marriage

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Mac Fights Gay Marriage

Air date: September 16, 2010

Director: Randall Einhorn

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Mac defends traditional marriage, while the rest of the gang reaps the rewards of wedded bliss.

Source: TMDB

↓

Look, bro, I'm only gonna be here for about 10 minutes.

minutes

↓

I got to get my pump on. I have a very big day.

pump

↓

I'm sorry. I can't let you in.

↓

I don't understand why you're insisting on jamming me up here, bro.

jamming

↓

I'm not trying to jam you up. I just don't believe you.

believe

↓

What is not to believe? I am absolutely Dennis Reynolds.

absolutely believe dennis dennis-reynolds reynolds

↓

This picture looks nothing like you.

picture

↓

Well, thank you.

↓

Because I have actually packed on

packed

↓

about 15 or 20 pounds of solid bulk muscle

bulk muscle pounds solid

↓

since that picture was taken.

picture taken

↓

It's actually a testament to your gym.

testament

↓

I'm gonna need you to either buy your own membership, or get out.

membership

↓

- Mac? - Yeah.

↓

- Hey! Tranny! Carmen. - Yeah.

carmen tranny

↓

Sorry. How you doing? Wow. You look great.

↓

Sweet camel toe.

camel sweet

↓

That's a good tuck job. You have it taped back there?

taped tuck

↓

- No. - It's good.

↓

It's actually gone. I had the surgery.

gone surgery

↓

Get out! That's fantastic!

fantastic

↓

Oh, I thought I was gonna get a phone call after the old snip-snip,

phone snip

↓

'cause we talked about that, but either way,

talked

↓

now that you're dickless, I'm into it.

dickless

↓

- What are you doing this afternoon? - How's it goin'?

afternoon goin

↓

Uh, it's goin' good, pal,

goin

↓

but the lady isn't interested.

interested lady

↓

Uh, Mac, I would like you to meet my husband, Nick.

husband meet nick

↓

Husband? You're married.

husband married

↓

Great.

↓

Now, what do you guys think? They're good almonds, right?

almonds

↓

- They are tasty. - These almonds? Yeah, they're fine.

almonds tasty

↓

I found them in a little pile in the alleyway.

alleyway found pile

↓

A squirrel must have piled them up and then got hit by a car.

must squirrel

↓

Why? Why, why, why?

↓

- Why would you feed us alley almonds? - Why wouldn't you tell us that?

alley almonds feed

↓

- They're perfectly good. - Guys. Guys, guys. I've got news.

news perfectly

↓

I've got huge news.

huge news

↓

So I went down to the gym this morning, right?

morning

↓

I was all amped up, 'cause Charlie and I found a bunch of nuts.

amped bunch charlie found nuts

↓

I was so full of protein, okay?

full protein

↓

I went to get my pump on, but I couldn't get my pump on.

pump

↓

Now, I know what you're thinking.

thinking

↓

Clearly, I did get my pump on,

pump

↓

but that's 'cause I just did a bunch of push-ups outside.

bunch push

↓

Also why I'm out of breath.

breath

↓

What in God's name are you talking about?

gods gods-name name

↓

- Is this the big news? - No. I ran into the tranny.

news tranny

↓

She got her dick cut off and she married a dude.

dick married

↓

- Oh. - Oh, that's great!

↓

Congratulations to her.

congratulations

↓

- No, that is not great. - No?

↓

- That is a gay marriage. - Uh, I got a question for you.

marriage question

↓

- One's a girl, one's a guy. - Yeah.

girl ones

↓

And how is that gay?

↓

Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay?

homosexual husband starters

↓

Why are you making that assumption?

↓

Because he's with a tranny?

tranny

↓

You were with the tranny. What are you saying?

tranny

↓

No! Charlie, that is completely different, and you know it.

charlie completely

↓

Yeah. No. He's right. That's different,

↓

'cause this new guy, if I'm hearing correctly,

correctly hearing

↓

he waited until she got her dick cut off before he banged her.

banged dick waited

↓

- But that means… - No.

↓

Look, who gives a shit if gays want to be miserable

gays gives miserable

↓

like everybody else and get married?

everybody married

↓

Let 'em do it. It's no skin off my ass.

skin

↓

No. Marriage is a wonderful thing.

marriage

↓

It's between two people who decide

decide

↓

they want to spend the rest of their lives together

lives rest spend

↓

because they love each other very much.

love

↓

I'm all for it, and I think everyone should be entitled to it.

entitled

↓

Everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden.

everybody horse marriage sudden

↓

Marriage is about procreation, okay?

marriage procreation

↓

This is gay marriage.

marriage

↓

That's two dudes banging each other.

banging dudes

↓

What do you get from that? Nothin'. Nothin'.

nothin

↓

That is a persuasive argument.

argument persuasive persuasive-argument

↓

You should take your powerful extension cord argument

argument cord extension powerful

↓

straight to the supreme court.

court straight supreme supreme-court

↓

- Mm-hmm. They'll love it there. - Run that right up the ladder, right?

ladder love

↓

Run it up the ladder.

ladder

↓

Mac, I think you're just getting upset

upset

↓

that the tranny married some guy that's not you,

married tranny

↓

and that's what this is about.

↓

No. No, Charlie, this is about the big man upstairs,

charlie upstairs

↓

- okay, getting boxed out. - Oh, Jesus.

boxed jesus

↓

Very clearly says in the Bible that gay marriage is wrong, okay.

bible marriage

↓

And I'm gonna show you. Where's our Bible?

bible

↓

- "Where's our Bible?" - Where's our goddamn Bible?

bible goddamn

↓

- We don't have a Bible in here. - I don't know. Yeah.

bible

↓

- Why don't we have a Bible? - We never have.

bible

↓

It's a bar.

↓

Okay, I see what's happening here.

↓

All right. I don't have enough facts to support my argument.

argument facts support

↓

- Clearly. - But I'm gonna find a Bible,

bible

↓

and I'm gonna come back,

↓

and I'm gonna school you sons of bitches.

bitches school sons

↓

Because you guys are trying to confuse me.

confuse

↓

You're trying to confuse me, because that's what God's work…

confuse gods

↓

Ah…

↓

Oh, he's getting himself all worked up, huh?

worked

↓

Yeah. Very worked up.

worked

↓

I always thought I'd be married by now.

married

↓

- What? - What?

↓

Yeah. Well, I don't know.

↓

All that talk about marriage and everything,

marriage

↓

it's got me thinking about myself and my situation,

situation thinking

↓

and I guess I always thought I'd be married by now.

married

↓

What the shit are you talking about?

↓

Frank, I'm talking about Maureen Ponderosa.

frank maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

Oh, my God, dude. Don't start in on this.

start

↓

Maureen Ponderosa was my girlfriend in 10th grade,

girlfriend grade maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

and we were so in love.

love

↓

Uh, you remember Maureen Ponderosa, right, Charlie?

charlie maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa remember

↓

I remember her dead tooth, dude.

dead dead-tooth remember tooth

↓

What? Dead tooth? She didn't have a dead tooth.

dead dead-tooth tooth

↓

You guys remember her brother Bill?

bill brother remember

↓

Bill Ponderosa?

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

Oh, that guy was like a walking cliché.

walking

↓

He was hot. Great buns.

buns

↓

Yeah, and I remember every time you tried to talk to him,

remember tried

↓

you'd…

↓

I got a little gaggy. It's only 'cause he made me nervous.

nervous

↓

But he was very handsome.

handsome

↓

What is it with you two and the Ponderosas?

ponderosas

↓

I think I might call her up actually.

might

↓

Charlie, not in the corner.

charlie corner

↓

Put 'em in the closet, tuck 'em in the back.

closet tuck

↓

- Hold on a second. - Pick 'em up. There you go.

pick second

↓

Come on.

↓

- Not on the floor! - My back!

floor

↓

Charlie, look at this. I've been saving these for years.

charlie saving years

↓

What?

↓

I think I slipped a disk, man.

disk slipped

↓

Stand straight or something.

stand straight

↓

Frank, I gotta go see a chiropractor again.

chiropractor frank

↓

Oh, right. I just keep paying medical bills, right? Is that it?

bills medical paying

↓

- I keep lugging pennies. - Come on. You're in pain?

pain pennies

↓

Here, let me hit you with the two-by-four. You won't feel anything.

four

↓

No. I don't want to play that game anymore.

anymore game

↓

All right. Crack my back. Can you crack my back, please?

crack

↓

Crack your back. All right. Turn around.

crack

↓

Give me that. You ready? Way up.

ready

↓

- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Did you get my back?

↓

- Oh, my back. Oh! - I'll get you. I'll get you.

↓

Ow, my back! Aw! I need it again!

↓

- Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! - Oh! Oh! Oh!

↓

Charlie. Charlie.

charlie charlie-charlie

↓

- Don't touch me. - All right. All right.

touch

↓

This is gonna sound crazy. I just got an idea.

crazy idea sound sound-crazy

↓

If we do that domestic partnership thing that gay guys can do,

domestic partnership

↓

I can totally get on your health insurance.

health health-insurance insurance

↓

You won't even have to pay for the chiropractor.

chiropractor

↓

You proposing to me?

proposing

↓

Come on, man. No. I'm saying, we're already friends, right?

friends

↓

Let's be friends with benefits, right?

benefits friends

↓

Oh, yeah. You get your back fixed.

fixed

↓

- What's in it for me? - All right, man.

↓

There's gotta be a reason why all those couples want to do it.

couples reason

↓

Uh, perks, right? Can we at least look into what goes into it?

least perks

↓

- I really gotta see a chiropractor, man. - All right. We'll look into it.

chiropractor

↓

You got to hit me with the two-by-four. I got too much pain.

four pain

↓

It's bad on me too. All right. I got you.

↓

- I got you. - Hit me in the head. Hit me good.

head

↓

Phew! I feel really nervous, Dee.

nervous phew

↓

I haven't seen Maureen in close to 15 years.

close maureen seen years

↓

- I was really in love with that girl. - Yeah.

girl love

↓

No girl has ever had this effect on me,

effect girl

↓

so I don't know how to deal with it. It's crazy.

crazy deal

↓

I know what you mean. I'm feeling a lot of butterflies myself too.

butterflies feeling

↓

- You know, it's like… - Yeah.

↓

…"Oh, I'm gonna see Bill Ponderosa."

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

- Is that gonna happen? Relax - Maybe bubbly water.

bubbly happen relax water

↓

- Maybe if you get me some bubbly water. - Slow down… Here we go.

bubbly slow water

↓

- Dennis! - Hey, Maureen! Wow.

dennis maureen

↓

- Hi. - Look at you. You look amazing!

amazing

↓

- You look amazing. - Me? Oh.

amazing

↓

Who's this? Is this your husband?

husband

↓

- This is Bill. - Hey, you guys.

bill

↓

Bill? No…

bill

↓

Wow!

↓

Wow, right? I would not have guessed that was you.

guessed

↓

- Yeah, I've gained a little weight. - Did you now?

gained weight

↓

Oh! Well, no, it's hardly noticeable. Hardly noticeable.

hardly noticeable

↓

I do notice the ring though. Good for you.

notice ring

↓

- You got married. That's good. - Yeah, 10 years now.

married years

↓

Yeah, she's amazing. So are my two kids.

amazing kids

↓

- Oh. - Want to see little…

↓

No, no, no, no, I don't. I don't really.

↓

I mean, it's great, but you know what I mean.

↓

Nobody really wants to see that.

nobody wants

↓

Goddamn, this has been a really fun walk down memory lane.

fun goddamn lane memory walk

↓

Uh, Maureen, great to see you.

maureen

↓

And, Bill, take care of yourself or whatever people say.

bill care

↓

- Okay. Excuse me. - All right.

excuse

↓

Well, yeah, this has got to be a little awkward for you now, Bill, right?

awkward bill

↓

'Cause you're here, and we're sort of having a…

having

↓

Probably gonna have a little sit-down breakfast,

breakfast

↓

and now you're a bit of a third wheel,

third wheel

↓

kind of wormed your way into our situation.

situation

↓

Yeah. Not really. You know…

↓

- I just came to catch up, so… - No.

catch

↓

But I can leave you guys alone, I guess.

alone

↓

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.

↓

That would be great. That would be great.

↓

Hey, take care of yourself. It was good to see you.

care

↓

Yeah. I gotta pick up the kids.

kids pick

↓

- Sure, pick up the kids, yeah. - Bye, Bill.

bill kids pick

↓

Uh…

↓

- Hey, you want to sit down? - Yeah.

↓

Great. Hey. God, man. Maureen Ponderosa.

maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

I can't even believe those words are coming out of my mouth.

believe coming mouth words

↓

- I know. - Look at you. Look at you!

↓

You look great. You're still quite a catch.

catch

↓

You look just like you did in high school.

school

↓

- Oh. - Hey,

↓

do you remember all the good times that we used to have

remember times used

↓

in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place?

behind dads place

↓

Oh, man. So much romance. Mmm.

romance

↓

- Hey, how is your dad? - Dad died last year.

died

↓

- Did he die? - Yeah.

↓

Oh, that's too bad.

↓

It happens, you know. He was getting up there, right?

happens

↓

I mean, it was probably natural causes, or…

causes natural

↓

- Suicide. - Suicide?

suicide

↓

Car exhaust, yeah.

exhaust

↓

I had to break the window of the Datsun, so…

break window

↓

Oh, yeah. It was one of those. One of those, huh?

↓

- His eyes were so yellow. - Okay.

eyes yellow

↓

Oh! Oh, Maureen Ponderosa!

maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah!

↓

Dennis Reynolds and Maureen Ponderosa…

dennis dennis-reynolds maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa reynolds

↓

back together again at last.

↓

Hey, Carmen.

carmen

↓

Carmen, hey. I wanna show you something.

carmen

↓

Oh.

↓

- Hey, Mac. - Yeah.

↓

- What's going on here? - Good. I'm glad you're here too.

glad

↓

Okay. 'Cause this pertains to both of you guys.

↓

I am about to do you guys a huge solid. Ready?

huge ready solid

↓

"Men with men committing indecent acts,"

acts committing

↓

sex in the butt,

butt

↓

"will receive the due penalty for their perversion."

penalty receive

↓

Word of the Lord.

lord word

↓

Okay, what is it you're trying to say, Mac?

↓

I'm saying that in the eyes of the Lord,

eyes lord

↓

your marriage is an abomination,

abomination marriage

↓

and if you don't get a divorce, you're going to hell.

divorce

↓

I love people tripping all the time.

love tripping

↓

- Can I see that for a second? - Yeah.

second

↓

But I'm not tripping, okay? It's all right there.

tripping

↓

- Oh, no. - Yeah. Just,

↓

it's gonna take you a little while to flip through it

flip

↓

- 'cause that book is long as shit. - Uh-hmm.

book

↓

- Oh, yeah. I like this one. - Yeah.

↓

- Exodus 21, verses 20, 21. - Mmm.

↓

"When a man strikes his slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies,

dies hard slave strikes

↓

"he shall be punished.

punished

↓

"If, however, the slave survives for a day or two,

slave

↓

"he is not to be punished,

punished

↓

"for the slave is his property."

property slave

↓

That's not what I'm talking about, though.

↓

That's a different. That's not my thing.

↓

Oh, so you're saying you're gonna whup my black ass with a rod

black whup

↓

for as long as you like,

↓

and as long as I get up after a day or two, we all good.

↓

That's what you're telling me?

telling

↓

No, I wouldn't whup on you, uh, with anything,

whup

↓

whether you were my slave or not. It's just…

slave whether

↓

That doesn't really pertain anyway,

↓

because that section is not from the same time.

section

↓

Oh, oh, really? Well, what time is your section from, Mac?

section

↓

Uh-hmm.

↓

Look, I came here to help you guys, okay?

↓

As a gay man, there's certain things you need to know about the afterlife.

afterlife certain

↓

I'm not a gay man.

↓

Yes, you are. You're banging a dude.

banging

↓

Look, if anything, you're the one that slept with me when I was a man.

slept

↓

Oh, that's it. You're gay.

↓

- No, no, no, no. - He's gay.

↓

- No, no, no, no. - If this is about you and me,

↓

then just say that.

↓

I'm never going to admit that, Carmen.

admit carmen

↓

But come on, I mean, him?

↓

What do you see in this guy?

↓

I mean, look at my body compared to his.

body compared

↓

I'm a hard body. You're a hard body.

body hard

↓

We could be hard bodies together. Not hard body and…

bodies body hard

↓

Look, I thought we established that

established

↓

there was going to be a phone call after the procedure.

phone procedure

↓

And then you have the procedure, and I never got that call.

procedure

↓

Instead you called this soft body and you gay-married him.

body called married soft

↓

And now you're calling me gay, telling me I'm tripping

calling telling tripping

↓

and trying to confuse me with your liberal biblicisms.

confuse liberal

↓

Man, my guess is, you've been confused for a very long time.

confused

↓

All right, take it easy.

easy

↓

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!

↓

Thank you very much. All right, dude.

↓

Okay, I admit this is more paperwork than I expected, all right?

admit expected paperwork

↓

But, Frank, that's because this domestic partnership thing

domestic frank partnership

↓

is really worth doing, dude.

worth

↓

There's a lot of perks in these bad boys.

boys perks

↓

There's a lot of jelly in these doughnuts here, Frank.

doughnuts frank jelly

↓

Charlie, you still haven't told me

charlie

↓

how this shit is going to be good for me. Me.

↓

It's all in here! All right. Okay. All right. Think about this for a second.

second

↓

Now, you're definitely gonna have another massive heart attack

another attack heart heart-attack massive massive-heart massive-heart-attack

↓

or stroke in the next few years?

stroke years

↓

- Definitely. - All right.

↓

What's gonna happen when you go on life support, dude?

happen life life-support support

↓

Dennis and Dee are gonna pull the plug on you so fast,

dennis fast plug pull

↓

your head is gonna spin.

head spin

↓

But think about this, Frank. You know who's not gonna do that?

frank

↓

- This guy right here. - This thing,

↓

this is so much complicated stuff, Charlie.

charlie complicated stuff

↓

Wow! Look who it is.

↓

Wow! Guys, you remember Maureen Ponderosa, right?

maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa remember

↓

- Charlie! - Ooh!

charlie

↓

- Hey! Maureen, how are ya? - Dead tooth. Let me see the dead tooth.

dead dead-tooth maureen tooth

↓

- What's he talking about? - Oh, he's… Pipe down, Frank, pipe down.

frank pipe

↓

- So listen, guys. We just got married. - What?

married

↓

Yeah. Yeah. We're married. Maureen and I got married.

married maureen

↓

What is wrong with you?

↓

It's not what's wrong with me, Frank. It's what's right with me,

frank

↓

and that's this little piece of paper here that we just signed.

paper piece signed

↓

It's our marriage certificate. Now we're married.

certificate marriage married

↓

- Boom. - Wait! Hold on a second.

boom second

↓

You just had to sign a little piece of paper?

paper piece sign

↓

They gave Frank and I, like, a million forms for our marriage.

forms frank marriage million

↓

Oh, you guys are trying to get married too, huh? That's weird.

married weird

↓

It's a whole… Okay.

whole

↓

Well, uh, we're out of here, so good luck.

luck

↓

Oh, my God. What is the matter with him?

matter

↓

- Did you smell her breath? - Are you kidding me?

breath kidding smell

↓

It smelled like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.

pieces smelled

↓

Wait a second. Wait a second.

second

↓

- Dennis, you're married? - Yes, man, I'm married.

dennis married

↓

I'm a married man.

married

↓

Yeah. She's actually here, dude. It's awesome. She's in the bathroom.

awesome bathroom

↓

She's brushing her teeth.

brushing teeth

↓

Yeah, she must have eaten something a little bit sinister.

eaten must sinister

↓

Must have been the Funyuns or something.

must

↓

I don't know. Whatever. It doesn't matter.

matter

↓

Anyway, the point is, I am having…

having point

↓

this is crazy, but I'm having feelings again.

crazy feelings having

↓

Like some kind of 14-year-old kid or something.

↓

I mean, you remember feelings, right?

feelings remember

↓

Yeah. I have feelings every single day of my life.

feelings life single

↓

- Do you? - Are you saying you

↓

don't have feelings?

feelings

↓

Well, I'm saying I built up a shell.

built shell

↓

A shell around myself.

shell

↓

A cold, calculated, heartless shell that couldn't be broken

broken cold heartless shell

↓

by anything but marriage.

marriage

↓

And that's what she did, dude, she broke that shell

broke shell

↓

with marriage.

marriage

↓

In a good way, if I'm being unclear.

unclear

↓

And that brings me, actually, to my next point.

brings point

↓

I need you to move out…

↓

Like now, like right away.

↓

What? Why do I have to move out?

↓

It's my apartment, too.

apartment

↓

Uh, actually, you know what, Mac?

↓

Turns out it's not your apartment because you never

apartment turns

↓

signed the lease, if you recall,

lease recall signed

↓

'cause your credit was so bad.

credit

↓

Oh. Well, what am I gonna do

↓

- with all my stuff? - You know what? Believe it or not,

believe stuff

↓

I've been doing some inventory,

inventory

↓

and it turns out you don't actually own anything

turns

↓

in this apartment.

apartment

↓

That can't be true.

↓

It's shockingly true. Yeah, yeah.

shockingly

↓

Every single thing in here is mine.

single

↓

For instance, that shirt that you're wearing right now,

instance shirt wearing

↓

that was my shirt.

shirt

↓

And then I got tired of it, I threw it in the trash,

threw tired trash

↓

and then you fished it out of the trash and you cut

trash

↓

the sleeves off it, as you are wont to do,

sleeves

↓

'cause that's your thing, but whatever.

↓

Also, listen. I don't want to rush you on this either,

rush

↓

but I did have to drop you from my

drop

↓

cell phone's family plan.

cell cell-phones family phones plan

↓

And I'm gonna need you to stop using my name at the gym…

name using

↓

because I'm getting a lot of phone calls about that,

calls phone phone-calls

↓

and that's a little embarrassing.

embarrassing

↓

- Can I say something? - Yeah, totally.

↓

Oh, there we go.

↓

- Oh! How you doin'? - Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

doin

↓

- No! No, no, no, no. - You got a minute?

minute

↓

- We ask a question. You got a minute? - Quick question.

minute question quick quick-question

↓

Yeah. I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.

middle

↓

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

↓

- That's easy. - Okay, no problem.

easy problem

↓

- That's better. - Why do you people keep bothering me

bothering

↓

- at the gym? - I'm so sorry.

↓

It's gonna be a quick question. Charlie. You remember me, right?

charlie question quick quick-question remember

↓

- Yeah. Hi. - Frank.

frank

↓

No, I don't remember you.

remember

↓

Look, my friend and I, we're trying to get a gay marriage

friend marriage

↓

situation going on, and he's all tripped up

situation tripped

↓

about some issue.

issue

↓

And now he's uncomfortable talking to me.

uncomfortable

↓

I figured you're an expert, so we could talk to you.

expert figured

↓

All right. Fine. Just go ahead. What?

ahead go-ahead

↓

Good. Go. If Charlie and I

charlie

↓

were gonna get married,

married

↓

who would be the man and who would be the woman

woman

↓

in that situation?

situation

↓

Neither of you would be the woman.

woman

↓

You're both men!

↓

Are you kidding me? Is this what you've been

kidding

↓

upset about the whole time? Which one of us

upset whole

↓

is gonna be the woman?

woman

↓

Yeah. I'm not gonna get my dick

dick

↓

cut off and sold to China,

china sold

↓

spend the rest of my life on a treadmill

life rest spend treadmill

↓

- like this guy. - What are you… What?

↓

I don't want to be the woman, Charlie, and I don't want

charlie woman

↓

to see you be the woman.

woman

↓

That's insa… Neither of us would be

↓

the woman, dude.

woman

↓

We would both be men. We'd be two cool straight dudes

cool dudes straight

↓

married together.

married

↓

Oh.

↓

Well, I never thought of it that way.

↓

Two dudes getting married, that doesn't seem very gay.

dudes married

↓

Yeah, right? It's not…

↓

Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. You know what?

↓

Let's not argue on this or think about it too much.

argue

↓

- No. - Two cool married dudes.

cool dudes married

↓

- Dudes. Two dudes. - Not gay. I'm down with that.

dudes

↓

All right! Two gay dudes married!

dudes married

↓

- Bump it, bump it. - Two gay dudes married.

bump dudes married

↓

Is my role in this done now?

role

↓

Uh, any more questions?

questions

↓

No. I think I got it.

↓

No. I can tell by your stare that the answer is no.

answer stare

↓

I told you, Frank. That's crazy.

crazy frank

↓

Dee, hey, we gotta talk.

↓

Wait. You can't just come barging in here like that.

↓

- What are you doing? - Okay, look, it takes a big man

takes

↓

to admit defeat, but you were right, I was wrong.

admit defeat

↓

Everybody should be able to get married

able everybody married

↓

to whoever they want, which got me thinking

thinking

↓

about you and me.

↓

Oh, no. I'm not gonna marry you,

marry

↓

if that's where this is headed.

headed

↓

What? Dee, I would rather get shot in the face.

face shot

↓

Okay. Then what are you doing here?

↓

- I'm glad you asked. - I'm moving in.

asked glad moving

↓

Also, I need to get on your gym membership…

membership

↓

because I got to get back in there ASAP

asap

↓

before I lose this pump.

lose pump

↓

What's with the beers? Are you carbo loading?

beers loading

↓

- No. - Oh. What are you doing?

↓

- Are you gonna throw up? - No.

throw

↓

Then why are you gagging?

gagging

↓

- Oh, that… - Because, Dee, that triggers

↓

my gag reflex, too, and then I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

reflex throw

↓

It's fine. I had some bad spaghetti…

spaghetti

↓

Spaghetti.

spaghetti

↓

Ah, Dee.

↓

Look, the point is, the reason I came over here

point reason

↓

is because you were totally right

↓

about this marriage thing, okay?

marriage

↓

It is a special bond between two people in love,

bond love special

↓

and everybody deserves that right.

deserves everybody

↓

Look, I'm thinking that…

thinking

↓

I gotta throw up. I'm gonna throw up.

throw

↓

No, no, no, no! Not in there!

↓

Oh, sorry. Uh…

↓

Wait. I know you.

↓

Bill Ponderosa.

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

Where are you going?

↓

Hey, Maureen Ponderosa. Hey.

maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

I was just gonna go meet up with the guys.

meet

↓

But I thought we were gonna watch a movie tonight.

movie tonight watch

↓

Watch a movie. Yes, we were.

movie watch

↓

Yeah, you know what?

↓

But, you know, I feel the need to reconnect with the guys.

reconnect

↓

But you know what?

↓

You can watch a movie without me.

movie watch

↓

- What? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

God, dude, we have so many great, great movies here.

movies

↓

Got a lot of action films, which is very, very exciting.

action exciting films

↓

Got all the Lethal Weapon movies,

lethal lethal-weapon movies weapon

↓

which is cool. Including the one that I made with the guys.

cool including

↓

Lethal Weapon 5.

lethal lethal-weapon weapon

↓

Yes. Amazing film, truly, truly.

amazing film truly

↓

Although it gets a little confusing

confusing

↓

halfway through because Mac and I decided

decided halfway

↓

to switch parts. He wanted to play Murtaugh

murtaugh parts switch wanted

↓

for some reason.

reason

↓

Yeah. And I'm not gonna lie. His use of black face

black black-face face

↓

I found a bit regrettable, but…

found

↓

Come on. It's our first night as a married couple.

couple married married-couple night

↓

I want to spend it with my husband.

husband spend

↓

Oh. Yeah.

↓

I see that you're wearing another one of those

another wearing

↓

kitty cat sweatshirts…

kitty

↓

- Meow. - …that you seem so fond of.

fond meow

↓

You've glued some jewels

glued

↓

and some flowers and things to it.

flowers

↓

- Uh-huh. - Interesting.

interesting

↓

I like to be comfy and current.

comfy current

↓

Yeah. Yeah. I did not remember that about you.

remember

↓

You don't remember a lot of things, silly.

remember silly

↓

- Yeah. - Now, you get yourself on that couch.

couch

↓

I'm gonna go make us fish sticks.

fish sticks

↓

Uh, I don't…

↓

I don't think we have any fish sticks.

fish sticks

↓

I bought some.

bought

↓

Yeah. I don't particularly like fish sticks, but…

fish particularly sticks

↓

- Dennis. - Hmm?

dennis

↓

Hey. I love you.

love

↓

Uh, I love you.

love

↓

Yeah.