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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E03 — The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 3 — The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

Air date: September 18, 2013

Director: Richie Keen

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Tired of failing to be recognized for their years of service in the bar industry, the gang changes their ways to give the patrons what they think they want.

Source: TMDB

↓

Just use 'em, dude.

↓

I'm not going to wear gloves while I work!

gloves wear

↓

I'm sorry, it makes no sense.

makes sense

↓

It absolutely makes sense.

absolutely makes makes-sense sense

↓

You're a janitor who snakes toilets with his bare hands.

bare bare-hands hands janitor snakes toilets

↓

So my hands get a little dirty from time to time.

dirty hands

↓

I appreciate the concern. I'm fine.

appreciate concern

↓

It's not for you! It's for us!

↓

- Use gloves! - Use gloves.

gloves

↓

- Oh, look at this. Check it out. - What?

check

↓

The Restaurant and Bar Association's Best Bar Award is coming up.

award best coming restaurant

↓

We could get nominated.

nominated

↓

Frank, we never get nominated for awards.

awards frank nominated

↓

And we don't give a shit, because they're stupid.

stupid

↓

Yeah, we don't care about that kind of stuff, all right?

care stuff

↓

Am I curious as to why we never get nominated?

curious nominated

↓

Sure, yeah. Do I care? Not in the slightest.

care slightest

↓

No, I don't care about it. I mean, all right.

care

↓

It is a little odd we've never been nominated.

nominated

↓

Yes, it's odd. It's…

↓

At some point it becomes a little aggressive.

aggressive becomes point

↓

So what is it? We don't deserve it?

deserve

↓

We're not cool enough?

cool

↓

- Whoa. - Whoa, okay, Frank.

frank whoa whoa-whoa

↓

Now, if… If I do something, you better believe it's cool.

believe cool

↓

Yeah, if I'm gonna put my name on somethin', it's gonna be

name somethin

↓

- award-worthy. - Yeah.

award worthy

↓

I can't imagine that other people are doing what we're doing better.

imagine

↓

I mean, it's serving up drinks.

drinks serving

↓

It's just upsetting. I'm sorry, I'm getting upset.

upset upsetting

↓

- I don't care about winning. - If you wanna get a nomination,

care nomination winning

↓

you gotta play the game.

game

↓

Nah, I don't wanna play a game

game

↓

- to get an award. - No.

award

↓

- That feels lame. - It is lame.

feels lame

↓

Oh, is that your ass?

↓

Oh, closer to the hole, sir?

closer hole

↓

Ugh.

↓

You know what's lame? Being around this long and never getting an award.

award lame

↓

Makes you look like a bunch of assholes.

assholes bunch makes

↓

Mmm.

↓

You're really driving this home. It's upsetting,

driving home upsetting

↓

'cause now I'm getting the neck thing.

neck

↓

I feel… I'm getting upset.

upset

↓

- The neck, again. - Yeah,

neck

↓

- your neck's going nuts? Yeah. - Yeah! You're getting that?

necks nuts

↓

They're making me feel like an asshole.

asshole

↓

They are making us feel like assholes.

assholes

↓

All right, you know what? We'll play the game. I'll kiss ass.

game kiss

↓

- Yeah, let's play the game. - I'm okay with it,

game

↓

because who cares?

cares

↓

- All right, fine. Let's play the game. - Sure.

game

↓

But I wanna be very clear about something.

clear

↓

This literally means nothing to me.

↓

This office sucks.

office sucks

↓

It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.

smells stuffy

↓

- Yup. - It's the Restaurant and Bar Association.

association restaurant

↓

It's a stuffy organization.

organization stuffy

↓

They're not in touch with the young people like us.

touch young

↓

Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.

attitude boner face gives spit

↓

He starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.

giving spit starts

↓

We should all spit.

spit

↓

Look, we're not spittin', all right?

↓

Just keep your mouth shut and let me do the talkin'.

mouth talkin

↓

- I know what I'm doin'. - Okay.

doin

↓

Sorry. Sorry to keep you waiting.

waiting

↓

Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.

frank frank-reynolds paddys reynolds

↓

These are my associates.

associates

↓

Stand up. Show him some respect.

respect stand

↓

I stand for no one.

stand

↓

Please, it's not necessary. Have a seat.

necessary seat

↓

You heard the man. Sit down.

heard

↓

Well, now I feel like standing.

standing

↓

But I don't want to stand through an entire meeting

entire meeting stand

↓

'cause I don't know how long it's gonna last, so I'll sit down.

↓

- Hmm. - It's my choice.

choice

↓

With much dignity and grace,

dignity grace

↓

we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award.

award best

↓

Now, in the past,

past

↓

our group has not

group

↓

paid you any attention.

attention paid

↓

But now we are prepared

prepared

↓

to pay you what you deserve.

deserve

↓

In attention.

attention

↓

If you get my drift.

drift

↓

I don't.

↓

Ponder lettuce and shrimp.

lettuce shrimp

↓

- Excuse me? - He's inviting you

excuse inviting

↓

out to lunch, bozo. You gonna go or not, yes or no?

bozo lunch

↓

Actually, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I've already eaten.

afternoon eaten

↓

This dickhead doesn't want a second…

dickhead second

↓

He's being offered lettuce and shrimp. He doesn't wanna…

lettuce offered shrimp

↓

- Do you eat once a day? - Everybody, I had food.

everybody food

↓

All right, you know what, I am out of here.

↓

I don't need this limpdick telling me whether my bar's cool, okay?

bars cool telling whether

↓

No, no! No spittin'.

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Look, how much is it gonna cost us to get on the ballot?

cost

↓

- Ten dollars. - Huh?

dollars

↓

The entry fee is $10.

entry

↓

All you have to do is fill out the paperwork.

fill paperwork

↓

Why have we never received this form?

form received

↓

Well, we've actually sent you the form many times in the past,

form past sent times

↓

and as I recall, it always comes back covered in fecal matter, urine, and

comes covered fecal fecal-matter matter recall urine

↓

- racial slurs. - Oh.

racial

↓

- That was a joke. - Hey, that's just,

joke

↓

all in good fun, man.

fun

↓

That's just our sense of humor. You'll get us.

humor sense

↓

Shut up! Let bygones be bygones.

↓

- Yeah. Right, right. - We're here now to play the game.

game

↓

- Yeah. - Yes. Playing the game.

game playing

↓

I assume you take cash.

assume cash

↓

Oh! So sorry.

↓

That wasn't meant for you.

meant

↓

- That was actually meant for you. - That was meant for him.

meant

↓

We thought maybe you would think that was funny.

funny

↓

Yeah, if it exploded in your face,

exploded face

↓

but I can tell by the look on your face that you don't think that's funny.

face funny

↓

- That's not your style. - No, that's a shame.

shame style

↓

Yeah, that's sort of our sense of humor.

humor sense

↓

Guys, he's not gonna get us.

↓

- I think we gotta get out of here, right? - All right, guy.

↓

What'd I say, idiots?

idiots whatd

↓

You wanna get nominated, you gotta play the game.

game nominated

↓

- We are playing the game, Frank. - Nah, you're not playing…

frank game game-frank playing

↓

We're just not vibing with that guy. He's a stiff.

stiff vibing

↓

We were vibrating, but maybe at a different frequency than that guy.

frequency vibrating

↓

- I like that. - No, Frank is right, though.

frank

↓

We're too fringe. I mean, yeah, it's given us a lot of street cred,

fringe given street

↓

but I think we've alienated a lot of people in this town.

town

↓

You wanna win awards, you gotta campaign for it.

awards campaign

↓

It's an industry award.

award industry

↓

- It's true. We know we're cool. - Mmm.

cool

↓

And our customers know we're cool,

cool customers

↓

but the industry doesn't get it yet.

industry

↓

All right, you know what? Can you guys actually drop me off back at the bar?

drop

↓

I'm gonna go work on the Best Song.

best best-song song

↓

What Best Song?

best best-song song

↓

The Best Song Award.

award best best-song song

↓

There's no Best Song Award.

award best best-song song

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

Well, that's all the more reason to do a Best Song, right?

best best-song reason song

↓

We'll be the only bar who did it.

↓

And that's a good chance. We'll cover all the bases.

bases chance cover

↓

I'll tell you what.

↓

Let's drop him off either way.

drop

↓

- Okay. Good idea, Charlie. - That sounds good.

charlie idea sounds

↓

- Good idea. Come on. - What?

idea

↓

Where you think you're goin', baby?

baby goin

↓

Hey, I just met you

↓

And this is crazy

crazy

↓

But here's my number

number

↓

So call me maybe

↓

I can't believe that this place won Best Bar.

believe best place

↓

I mean, who comes to this place?

comes place

↓

A shitload of people.

shitload

↓

Sudz is a super popular place.

place popular super

↓

I can't believe how bright it is in here. I don't like it.

believe bright

↓

Yeah. And what's with all the loud, fake colors?

colors fake loud

↓

I mean, where's the subtlety?

↓

All right, let's go grab a drink. We'll suss out the competition.

competition drink grab

↓

I'm gonna go find the manager. Introduce myself, give him this swag bag.

introduce manager

↓

What's in that bag?

↓

Ah, it's just stuff I had our names printed on.

names printed stuff

↓

I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg.

bottle opener

↓

- Why would you give him an egg? - It's like a paperweight.

↓

Trust me, Deandra. People eat this shit up.

deandra trust

↓

Look, you gotta play the game.

game

↓

- I know how to do it. - All right.

↓

- Good luck. Let's get a drink. - Yup.

drink luck

↓

Hey, guys. How you doin'?

doin

↓

My name is Greg. I'll be your bartender tonight.

bartender greg name tonight

↓

You ever been to Sudz before?

↓

You wish.

wish

↓

- Don't think so, pal. - Okay, well, welcome, then.

welcome

↓

For our first-timers, I like to recommend

recommend timers

↓

our blended signature cocktail, The Blue Hole.

blue cocktail hole signature signature-cocktail

↓

It's served with three straws in a fishbowl.

served straws three

↓

It's pretty darn good. Some people say it's better than an orgasm.

darn orgasm

↓

Not that he's ever had one. Oh!

↓

Okay, Maxwell.

↓

Remind me to find a new best friend.

best best-friend friend remind

↓

Ugh.

↓

Two margaritas for table six, Greg.

greg margaritas table

↓

Hey, Amanda. What's wrong?

amanda

↓

Lemme guess.

↓

Your boyfriend canceled on you.

boyfriend canceled

↓

Conference got extended.

conference

↓

What can I say? He loves his work.

loves

↓

Well, I think he should spend a little less time on his work

less spend

↓

and a little more time on you.

↓

Aw.

↓

- Thanks. You're so sweet. - Hmm.

sweet thanks

↓

- What in the hell is happening? - What are they doing?

↓

Okay, sorry about that. So, one Blue Hole?

blue hole

↓

Uh, well, let's see. There's three of us, so, three drinks.

drinks three

↓

Yeah, well, they're generally shared, 'cause they're pretty big…

generally shared

↓

- We said three, dickbag. - Get three!

three

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

- I don't care for that guy. - Me neither.

care

↓

- No. - Too soft.

soft

↓

I want a little edge in my bartender. This is Philadelphia.

bartender edge philadelphia

↓

What's with the, uh… What's with the black friend that no one is acknowledging

black black-friend friend

↓

is black… I feel like it's weird if you don't talk about that.

black weird

↓

It's strange to have one black friend and not be constantly talking about it.

black black-friend constantly friend strange

↓

Yeah, shine a light on it. Make sure everybody sees and knows,

everybody knows light sees shine

↓

like, "I have a black friend," and that's a thing.

black black-friend friend

↓

'Cause it's weird that a black person is friends with white people.

black friends person weird white

↓

- Hmm. I don't… - It's not that weird, but it's a thing.

weird

↓

- Don't think it is. - It is.

↓

Here you guys go.

↓

- Oh. - There we go.

↓

Oh, drink up!

drink

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

That's a Sudz alert.

alert

↓

When we ring that bell, everybody's gotta drink, right?

bell drink everybodys ring

↓

Yeah!

↓

I don't need a bell telling me when to drink.

bell drink telling

↓

I'll drink when I'm goddamn good and thirsty.

drink goddamn thirsty

↓

I'm pretty sure I know when to take a drink.

drink

↓

Screw their stupid bell.

bell screw stupid

↓

I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though, 'cause it seemed like fun.

drank everybody fun seemed wish

↓

- Now I feel left out. - Can we drink now?

drink left

↓

- Let's drink now. - Together?

drink

↓

- 'Cause I… - Now I'm angry.

angry

↓

What are you doing in my office?

office

↓

Oh.

↓

You snuck up on me.

snuck

↓

Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's Pub.

frank frank-reynolds owner paddys reynolds

↓

I just thought I'd come by and say hello.

↓

Pay my respects.

respects

↓

Also, I got you a little goody bag here.

goody

↓

Some trinkets, knickknacks that you might enjoy.

enjoy knickknacks might might-enjoy

↓

There's a broken egg in here.

broken

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

That wasn't the hard-boiled one.

boiled hard hard-boiled

↓

Hey, you want me to cook that up for you?

cook

↓

Ooh! Goddamn.

goddamn

↓

That went down easy. I like this.

easy

↓

- Yeah. - Guys, I'm starting to like this place.

place starting

↓

It's growing on me, too. I like the chemistry that the staff have.

chemistry growing staff

↓

Did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda?

amanda charged greg moment

↓

- Yes. - Boy, I tell ya.

↓

She's got a boyfriend, but I think she and Greg should end up together.

boyfriend greg

↓

- Ooh. - Hmm.

↓

I'd like to come back next week to see if they do.

week

↓

- Yeah. Me, too. - I mean, she is cute.

cute

↓

- She is just super cute, right? - She's cute.

cute super super-cute

↓

- So cute. - She is very cute.

cute

↓

- She's not funny, though, so. - Yeah, but no,

funny

↓

but she doesn't need to be funny because she's cute, she's loveable,

cute funny

↓

everybody likes her, and then, if she can tell a joke,

everybody everybody-likes joke likes

↓

yeah, it's just a bonus.

bonus

↓

Let's get outta this dump.

dump outta

↓

Oh, actually, this place is not a dump, Frank.

dump frank place

↓

It's pretty great. Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this man a Blue Hole?

blue greg hole

↓

- You gotta try this thing. - I got news for you.

news

↓

Our secret's out, and it stinks.

secrets stinks

↓

This manager's been to Paddy's,

paddys

↓

and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

bunch yelling

↓

- Well… - So what? That's what we do.

↓

We yell at each other, and if people wanna tune in and listen,

tune yell

↓

then they're welcome to.

welcome

↓

Yeah, but I think that's off-putting to the customer.

customer putting

↓

I mean, Greg would never yell at Amanda.

amanda greg yell

↓

All right, I'll tell you what we gotta do.

↓

We gotta up our game.

game

↓

We should host an industry night.

host industry night

↓

Invite all the people who vote, who's in the industry,

industry invite vote

↓

to come to our bar, and we'll show 'em what we're made of.

↓

Yeah, yeah. But I'd like to tweak a little bit

tweak

↓

of who we are and what we're made of, right? Soften the edges a little bit.

edges soften

↓

All right. We'll tweak it a little bit.

tweak

↓

We'll show these bastards who's award-worthy.

award bastards worthy

↓

Yeah.

↓

Drink! Drink!

drink drink-drink

↓

Okay, guys. If we're gonna show

↓

these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,

folks industry likeable tonight

↓

we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.

banter funny greg

↓

Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.

night worry

↓

Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,

↓

because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?

funny intimidated women

↓

So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

↓

But we are gonna do a will-they-or-won't-they thing

↓

between you and Mac.

↓

- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.

↓

But the customers want you to be together.

customers

↓

That's fun for them.

fun

↓

Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together?

fun watch

↓

Well, no. You do want to be together.

↓

The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together,

customers

↓

but you do, deep down, want to be together.

deep

↓

The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

problem

↓

I need you to want to be together.

↓

- Oh. - Question.

question

↓

Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough

attractive wondering

↓

to where you'll want to be with her.

↓

- Yes. - Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is

↓

I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light

blast light makeup

↓

to soften up all those features.

features soften

↓

- I am into that, yes. - Yes. Okay, great.

↓

So. Guys, I got us banter cards.

banter cards

↓

Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,

customer welcome

↓

and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.

execute shot

↓

"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

paddys welcome

↓

"I would like to recommend to first-timers

recommend timers

↓

"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.

caribbean drink paradise signature

↓

"People say it's better than an orgasm."

orgasm

↓

Not that he's ever had one.

↓

I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!

orgasms tons

↓

I've had one with your mom!

↓

I will strangle you. I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

goddamn stick strangle thumb

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Relax.

relax relax-relax whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Sit down. What are you doin'?

doin

↓

- Okay. - You came at me.

↓

And I gave it back to you hard,

hard

↓

- 'cause… - Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

↓

Look, I'm just doing the thing.

↓

- Oh. - See?

↓

What you just did, that's how we normally talk.

normally

↓

- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.

aggressive hard

↓

You came at me real hard,

hard real real-hard

↓

and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.

behavior comfortable

↓

That's why we're tryin' something different here.

tryin

↓

- Oh. - Okay, guys?

↓

Memorize these lines, okay?

lines memorize

↓

We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.

coming cuff

↓

Right. Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.

plus

↓

- What? - What?

↓

That's the punch line to Mac banging our mom.

banging line punch punch-line

↓

She didn't even notice.

notice

↓

Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.

christ jesus jesus-christ timing

↓

- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.

concern timing

↓

Look, stop. Don't do the jokes, okay?

jokes

↓

Let's settle into our new roles here.

roles settle

↓

- Okay? Little bit of role play. - Change of plans. Change of plans.

change plans role

↓

We gotta go darker with Industry Night.

darker industry night

↓

- What? - Edgier.

↓

No. Frank, don't derail us.

derail frank

↓

We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.

banter bright bright-lights colors funny lights

↓

- That's what wins. - Wrong.

wins

↓

Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.

artemis burlesque night

↓

There were women strippin', but it was classy.

classy women

↓

It was dimly lit. They were serving martinis.

martinis serving

↓

Period costumes.

costumes period

↓

There weren't a lot of people in there,

↓

but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

awards shitload

↓

Do you guys think that our location is the problem?

location problem

↓

- That could be it, yeah. - Hmm.

↓

Well, no. See, there was that bar that just opened last year

opened

↓

right down the street,

street

↓

and they've already won a ton of awards.

awards

↓

- Oh. Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.

↓

Is it us?

↓

- No. No, no, no. - Us?

↓

- No way. - No, it can't be us.

↓

- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem,

doubt highly problem

↓

- not us. - We don't have the…

↓

Yo! Hey, hey, hey!

↓

I got it! I got it!

↓

Got what?

↓

The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song.

best best-song song wrote

↓

It's amazing. Get with the program.

amazing program

↓

- All right? - Yes, Charlie, please.

charlie

↓

We're all clamoring to hear.

clamoring

↓

Whoa, they say the world's your oyster

oyster whoa worlds

↓

Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

aint maam oysters

↓

You're the belle of the ball, but you ain't my cup of tea

aint ball belle

↓

They always vote you best in show, but this doggie disagrees

best doggie vote

↓

'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub

life paddys

↓

Okay.

↓

There's a place for me

place

↓

It's the place I go

place

↓

Where the beer is cheap and the lights are low

beer cheap lights

↓

It's Paddy's Pub

paddys

↓

I like Paddy's Pub

paddys

↓

Let the record show the greatest place to go

greatest place record

↓

Is that bar called Paddy's Pub

called paddys

↓

I like life in Paddy's Pub

life paddys

↓

- My goodness! - Hey, hey!

goodness

↓

- Well, well, well. My goodness. - Wait,

goodness

↓

you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?

↓

I tried to go down the middle,

middle tried

↓

- Middle America, Randy Newman… - Yes.

america middle middle-america newman randy

↓

Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,

catch rape references

↓

nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

ghouls spiders

↓

- No. Rats and cheese, or… - Why would there be rape?

cheese rape rats

↓

You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so…

rape spiders talkin

↓

You guys misinterpret it, but…

↓

Charlie, that was great. It was really great.

charlie

↓

- Hey. Yeah. - You really knocked it outta the park.

knocked outta park

↓

Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.

basement lemons party

↓

Oh, yeah! Sure, okay.

↓

I'm glad you like the song, man.

glad song

↓

- Are you locking me in here? - Yeah.

locking

↓

Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

song

↓

- No. No. - Doesn't make any sense. It's ridiculous.

ridiculous sense

↓

All right. Let's put on a good show.

↓

Hey, I just met you

↓

And this is crazy

crazy

↓

But here's my number

number

↓

So call me maybe

↓

People are starting to arrive.

arrive starting

↓

- This is great. So when a customer… - Yeah.

customer

↓

- …comes up to you, keep it light. - Light.

comes light

↓

- Keep it playful. - Playful. Okay.

playful

↓

- All right? - Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.

aint worry yall yall-aint

↓

'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.

fools imma

↓

Cool. Okay, thanks, Z.

cool thanks

↓

Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.

worried

↓

We should've gotten a less intense black guy for diversity,

black diversity gotten intense less shouldve shouldve-gotten

↓

but we don't have any in our roster.

↓

But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

another throw

↓

To counter Z's vibe?

counter vibe

↓

You gotta be really careful about the ratio.

careful ratio

↓

We get too many black guys,

black

↓

people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

black

↓

- Black bars don't win awards. - No.

awards bars black

↓

I don't know why, but they don't.

↓

Loving these lights, you guys.

lights loving

↓

I am glowing like an angel over here.

angel glowing

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Hi, can I get a drink?

drink

↓

Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

paddys welcome

↓

I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.

cocktail recommend signature signature-cocktail timers

↓

Caribbean Paradise.

caribbean paradise

↓

Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

busting

↓

Excuse me?

excuse

↓

Busting a nut.

busting

↓

It's like blowing your load.

blowing load

↓

- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.

funny funny-joke joke

↓

- Well, no… Hold on. - Yeah.

↓

It's like coming all over you.

coming

↓

- No. - It's light, it's playful.

light playful

↓

Yeah, well, no. I think what my friend is trying to refer to

friend refer

↓

is an orgasm, which is light and playful,

light orgasm playful

↓

- but he overstepped himself… - Oh, yeah.

↓

…and got a little bit too specific.

specific

↓

Sorry. We jizz in the drink, and that's what makes it light.

drink jizz light makes

↓

No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.

nobodys

↓

- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.

jizz

↓

How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

jizz orgasm

↓

- No. Ma'am, I think what… - Just tell me where I jizz,

jizz maam

↓

so I can give this lady her drink.

drink lady

↓

Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

drink jizz maam

↓

Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.

macs orgasm

↓

- Holy shit, you're late. - She was late.

holy late

↓

- Go back in your light. - Really? Okay.

light

↓

We're all set up back there.

↓

Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.

bottles champagne couple deandra grab

↓

No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.

light

↓

Come with me.

↓

All right. Listen, listen, listen.

↓

What was that?

↓

All right. Look, look, look.

↓

You two do the charged moment, huh?

charged moment

↓

- Will they or won't they? - Mmm-hmm.

↓

We are never ever ever

↓

- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.

↓

- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.

boyfriend troubles

↓

This guy doesn't know what he's got.

↓

He's really ugly, too.

ugly

↓

- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Yeah.

↓

I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

attention boyfriends bozo ugly

↓

Okay, he's not ugly, all right?

ugly

↓

That wouldn't make any sense. That's… He's not ugly.

sense ugly

↓

- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's…

dudes tool total

↓

You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos

covered stupid tattoos

↓

and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother…

cigarette mother

↓

- What? Don't talk shit about my mom! - Whoa, hey! Hey!

whoa

↓

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop.

↓

- What the hell's going on over here? - I was just…

hells

↓

That man is choking that woman.

choking woman

↓

Get over here. What are you doing?

↓

This isn't will they or won't they?

↓

This is I know they won't, and I know I don't want them to.

↓

Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

crawling excuse floor

↓

Oh, uh,

↓

that's okay. That's just our janitor.

janitor

↓

Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.

gentlemen worry

↓

- What are you doing, dude? - I broke out.

broke

↓

Are you high?

↓

You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

basement cans spray

↓

Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay?

basement favor

↓

Get higher if you want.

higher

↓

Just go back in. Don't sit down there.

↓

No, no, no, don't, don't. God damn it.

↓

- What are we gonna do? - Well, it looks like Z brought friends.

brought friends

↓

- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.

jeez

↓

That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.

black

↓

- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?

dennis

↓

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?

burlesque remember

↓

Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes.

burlesque

↓

Hey, guys… Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?

↓

Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.

somethin

↓

- Yeah, this is classy. - Oh!

classy

↓

- Whaddaya need? Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!

bottle whaddaya

↓

Put it in.

↓

- Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying!

bottle

↓

Don't judge me. This is art.

judge

↓

- Shut the door! - This is not art!

door

↓

Attention.

attention

↓

Attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.

attention attention-everybody everybody paddys

↓

I'm a singer.

singer

↓

- Charlie's doing the song. - Yeah.

charlies song

↓

- The song was light. - Yeah.

light song

↓

The song was light. That'll lighten things up.

light lighten song thatll

↓

Do the song, dude. Do the song. Yeah.

song

↓

Please enjoy this song.

enjoy song

↓

There is a spider

spider

↓

Spider, spider

spider

↓

He's deep in my soul, soul

deep soul

↓

He's lived here for years, years

lived years

↓

He just won't let go

↓

He's laying around

laying

↓

He's got a mean bite

bite

↓

Now he's ready to

ready

↓

Fight

fight

↓

And stand up for what he knows

knows stand

↓

I don't need your trophies or your gold

gold trophies

↓

I just wanna tell you all

↓

Goyourselves

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

Goyourselves

↓

Whoo, wah-ooh

whoo

↓

- Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.

spitting

↓

- Is that the sign? Spit! Spit! - It's a good sign.

sign spit

↓

Hey, you!

↓

What is wrong with you people?

↓

- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!

↓

Get out of here!

↓

I really mean to tell you

↓

you

↓

I don't need you in my bar

↓

- Beat it! - There's your damn award!

award beat

↓

Ooh

↓

Did you hear my song?

song

↓

I heard it. I love it.

heard love

↓

- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.

charlie song

↓

You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.

real

↓

I mean, I guess it is us

↓

- after all. It's us. - Yeah.

↓

- All right, it's us. - Yeah.

↓

Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.

screw

↓

- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.

awesome

↓

Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.

↓

- Yeah! - We do our own thing and we're good at it.

↓

- I don't need their validation. - No.

validation

↓

- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.

happy

↓

- Totally. - Yeah.

↓

- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.

award dying wanted

↓

- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

meant thatd wouldve

↓

Yeah.

↓

Drink! Drink!

drink drink-drink

↓

Okay, guys. If we're gonna show

↓

these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,

folks industry likeable tonight

↓

we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.

banter funny greg

↓

Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.

night worry

↓

Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,

↓

because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?

funny intimidated women

↓

So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

↓

But we are gonna do a will-they-or-won't-they thing

↓

between you and Mac.

↓

- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.

↓

But the customers want you to be together.

customers

↓

That's fun for them.

fun

↓

Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together?

fun watch

↓

Well, no. You do want to be together.

↓

The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together,

customers

↓

but you do, deep down, want to be together.

deep

↓

The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

problem

↓

I need you to want to be together.

↓

- Oh. - Question.

question

↓

Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough

attractive wondering

↓

to where you'll want to be with her.

↓

- Yes. - Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is

↓

I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light

blast light makeup

↓

to soften up all those features.

features soften

↓

- I am into that, yes. - Yes. Okay, great.

↓

So. Guys, I got us banter cards.

banter cards

↓

Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,

customer welcome

↓

and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.

execute shot

↓

"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

paddys welcome

↓

"I would like to recommend to first-timers

recommend timers

↓

"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.

caribbean drink paradise signature

↓

"People say it's better than an orgasm."

orgasm

↓

Not that he's ever had one.

↓

I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!

orgasms tons

↓

I've had one with your mom!

↓

I will strangle you. I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

goddamn stick strangle thumb

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Relax.

relax relax-relax whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Sit down. What are you doin'?

doin

↓

- Okay. - You came at me.

↓

And I gave it back to you hard,

hard

↓

- 'cause… - Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

↓

Look, I'm just doing the thing.

↓

- Oh. - See?

↓

What you just did, that's how we normally talk.

normally

↓

- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.

aggressive hard

↓

You came at me real hard,

hard real real-hard

↓

and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.

behavior comfortable

↓

That's why we're tryin' something different here.

tryin

↓

- Oh. - Okay, guys?

↓

Memorize these lines, okay?

lines memorize

↓

We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.

coming cuff

↓

Right. Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.

plus

↓

- What? - What?

↓

That's the punch line to Mac banging our mom.

banging line punch punch-line

↓

She didn't even notice.

notice

↓

Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.

christ jesus jesus-christ timing

↓

- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.

concern timing

↓

Look, stop. Don't do the jokes, okay?

jokes

↓

Let's settle into our new roles here.

roles settle

↓

- Okay? Little bit of role play. - Change of plans. Change of plans.

change plans role

↓

We gotta go darker with Industry Night.

darker industry night

↓

- What? - Edgier.

↓

No. Frank, don't derail us.

derail frank

↓

We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.

banter bright bright-lights colors funny lights

↓

- That's what wins. - Wrong.

wins

↓

Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.

artemis burlesque night

↓

There were women strippin', but it was classy.

classy women

↓

It was dimly lit. They were serving martinis.

martinis serving

↓

Period costumes.

costumes period

↓

There weren't a lot of people in there,

↓

but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

awards shitload

↓

Do you guys think that our location is the problem?

location problem

↓

- That could be it, yeah. - Hmm.

↓

Well, no. See, there was that bar that just opened last year

opened

↓

right down the street,

street

↓

and they've already won a ton of awards.

awards

↓

- Oh. Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.

↓

Is it us?

↓

- No. No, no, no. - Us?

↓

- No way. - No, it can't be us.

↓

- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem,

doubt highly problem

↓

- not us. - We don't have the…

↓

Yo! Hey, hey, hey!

↓

I got it! I got it!

↓

Got what?

↓

The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song.

best best-song song wrote

↓

It's amazing. Get with the program.

amazing program

↓

- All right? - Yes, Charlie, please.

charlie

↓

We're all clamoring to hear.

clamoring

↓

Whoa, they say the world's your oyster

oyster whoa worlds

↓

Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

aint maam oysters

↓

You're the belle of the ball, but you ain't my cup of tea

aint ball belle

↓

They always vote you best in show, but this doggie disagrees

best doggie vote

↓

'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub

life paddys

↓

Okay.

↓

There's a place for me

place

↓

It's the place I go

place

↓

Where the beer is cheap and the lights are low

beer cheap lights

↓

It's Paddy's Pub

paddys

↓

I like Paddy's Pub

paddys

↓

Let the record show the greatest place to go

greatest place record

↓

Is that bar called Paddy's Pub

called paddys

↓

I like life in Paddy's Pub

life paddys

↓

- My goodness! - Hey, hey!

goodness

↓

- Well, well, well. My goodness. - Wait,

goodness

↓

you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?

↓

I tried to go down the middle,

middle tried

↓

- Middle America, Randy Newman… - Yes.

america middle middle-america newman randy

↓

Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,

catch rape references

↓

nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

ghouls spiders

↓

- No. Rats and cheese, or… - Why would there be rape?

cheese rape rats

↓

You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so…

rape spiders talkin

↓

You guys misinterpret it, but…

↓

Charlie, that was great. It was really great.

charlie

↓

- Hey. Yeah. - You really knocked it outta the park.

knocked outta park

↓

Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.

basement lemons party

↓

Oh, yeah! Sure, okay.

↓

I'm glad you like the song, man.

glad song

↓

- Are you locking me in here? - Yeah.

locking

↓

Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

song

↓

- No. No. - Doesn't make any sense. It's ridiculous.

ridiculous sense

↓

All right. Let's put on a good show.

↓

Hey, I just met you

↓

And this is crazy

crazy

↓

But here's my number

number

↓

So call me maybe

↓

People are starting to arrive.

arrive starting

↓

- This is great. So when a customer… - Yeah.

customer

↓

- …comes up to you, keep it light. - Light.

comes light

↓

- Keep it playful. - Playful. Okay.

playful

↓

- All right? - Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.

aint worry yall yall-aint

↓

'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.

fools imma

↓

Cool. Okay, thanks, Z.

cool thanks

↓

Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.

worried

↓

We should've gotten a less intense black guy for diversity,

black diversity gotten intense less shouldve shouldve-gotten

↓

but we don't have any in our roster.

↓

But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

another throw

↓

To counter Z's vibe?

counter vibe

↓

You gotta be really careful about the ratio.

careful ratio

↓

We get too many black guys,

black

↓

people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

black

↓

- Black bars don't win awards. - No.

awards bars black

↓

I don't know why, but they don't.

↓

Loving these lights, you guys.

lights loving

↓

I am glowing like an angel over here.

angel glowing

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Hi, can I get a drink?

drink

↓

Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

paddys welcome

↓

I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.

cocktail recommend signature signature-cocktail timers

↓

Caribbean Paradise.

caribbean paradise

↓

Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

busting

↓

Excuse me?

excuse

↓

Busting a nut.

busting

↓

It's like blowing your load.

blowing load

↓

- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.

funny funny-joke joke

↓

- Well, no… Hold on. - Yeah.

↓

It's like coming all over you.

coming

↓

- No. - It's light, it's playful.

light playful

↓

Yeah, well, no. I think what my friend is trying to refer to

friend refer

↓

is an orgasm, which is light and playful,

light orgasm playful

↓

- but he overstepped himself… - Oh, yeah.

↓

…and got a little bit too specific.

specific

↓

Sorry. We jizz in the drink, and that's what makes it light.

drink jizz light makes

↓

No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.

nobodys

↓

- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.

jizz

↓

How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

jizz orgasm

↓

- No. Ma'am, I think what… - Just tell me where I jizz,

jizz maam

↓

so I can give this lady her drink.

drink lady

↓

Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

drink jizz maam

↓

Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.

macs orgasm

↓

- Holy shit, you're late. - She was late.

holy late

↓

- Go back in your light. - Really? Okay.

light

↓

We're all set up back there.

↓

Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.

bottles champagne couple deandra grab

↓

No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.

light

↓

Come with me.

↓

All right. Listen, listen, listen.

↓

What was that?

↓

All right. Look, look, look.

↓

You two do the charged moment, huh?

charged moment

↓

- Will they or won't they? - Mmm-hmm.

↓

We are never ever ever

↓

- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.

↓

- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.

boyfriend troubles

↓

This guy doesn't know what he's got.

↓

He's really ugly, too.

ugly

↓

- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Yeah.

↓

I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

attention boyfriends bozo ugly

↓

Okay, he's not ugly, all right?

ugly

↓

That wouldn't make any sense. That's… He's not ugly.

sense ugly

↓

- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's…

dudes tool total

↓

You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos

covered stupid tattoos

↓

and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother…

cigarette mother

↓

- What? Don't talk shit about my mom! - Whoa, hey! Hey!

whoa

↓

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop.

↓

- What the hell's going on over here? - I was just…

hells

↓

That man is choking that woman.

choking woman

↓

Get over here. What are you doing?

↓

This isn't will they or won't they?

↓

This is I know they won't, and I know I don't want them to.

↓

Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

crawling excuse floor

↓

Oh, uh,

↓

that's okay. That's just our janitor.

janitor

↓

Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.

gentlemen worry

↓

- What are you doing, dude? - I broke out.

broke

↓

Are you high?

↓

You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

basement cans spray

↓

Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay?

basement favor

↓

Get higher if you want.

higher

↓

Just go back in. Don't sit down there.

↓

No, no, no, don't, don't. God damn it.

↓

- What are we gonna do? - Well, it looks like Z brought friends.

brought friends

↓

- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.

jeez

↓

That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.

black

↓

- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?

dennis

↓

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?

burlesque remember

↓

Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes.

burlesque

↓

Hey, guys… Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?

↓

Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.

somethin

↓

- Yeah, this is classy. - Oh!

classy

↓

- Whaddaya need? Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!

bottle whaddaya

↓

Put it in.

↓

- Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying!

bottle

↓

Don't judge me. This is art.

judge

↓

- Shut the door! - This is not art!

door

↓

Attention.

attention

↓

Attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.

attention attention-everybody everybody paddys

↓

I'm a singer.

singer

↓

- Charlie's doing the song. - Yeah.

charlies song

↓

- The song was light. - Yeah.

light song

↓

The song was light. That'll lighten things up.

light lighten song thatll

↓

Do the song, dude. Do the song. Yeah.

song

↓

Please enjoy this song.

enjoy song

↓

There is a spider

spider

↓

Spider, spider

spider

↓

He's deep in my soul, soul

deep soul

↓

He's lived here for years, years

lived years

↓

He just won't let go

↓

He's got a mean bite

bite

↓

Now he's ready to

ready

↓

Fight

fight

↓

And stand up for what he knows

knows stand

↓

I don't need your trophies or your gold

gold trophies

↓

I just wanna tell you all

↓

Goyourselves

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

Goyourselves

↓

Whoo, wah-ooh

whoo

↓

- Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.

spitting

↓

- Is that the sign? Spit! Spit! - It's a good sign.

sign spit

↓

Hey, you!

↓

What is wrong with you people?

↓

- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!

↓

Get out of here!

↓

I really mean to tell you

↓

you

↓

I don't need you in my bar

↓

- Beat it! - There's your damn award!

award beat

↓

Did you hear my song?

song

↓

I heard it. I love it.

heard love

↓

- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.

charlie song

↓

You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.

real

↓

I mean, I guess it is us

↓

- after all. It's us. - Yeah.

↓

- All right, it's us. - Yeah.

↓

Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.

screw

↓

- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.

awesome

↓

Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.

↓

- Yeah! - We do our own thing and we're good at it.

↓

- I don't need their validation. - No.

validation

↓

- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.

happy

↓

- Totally. - Yeah.

↓

- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.

award dying wanted

↓

- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

meant thatd wouldve

↓

Yeah.