Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S09E03 — The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 9, Episode 3 — The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award

Just use 'em, dude.

#1

⇓

I'm not going to wear gloves while I work!

#2

⇓

I'm sorry, it makes no sense.

#3

⇓

It absolutely makes sense.

#4

⇓

You're a janitor who snakes toilets with his bare hands.

#5

⇓

So my hands get a little dirty from time to time.

#6

⇓

I appreciate the concern. I'm fine.

#7

⇓

It's not for you! It's for us!

#8

⇓

- Use gloves! - Use gloves.

#9

⇓

- Oh, look at this. Check it out. - What?

#10

⇓

The Restaurant and Bar Association's Best Bar Award is coming up.

#11

⇓

We could get nominated.

#12

⇓

Frank, we never get nominated for awards.

#13

⇓

And we don't give a shit, because they're stupid.

#14

⇓

Yeah, we don't care about that kind of stuff, all right?

#15

⇓

Am I curious as to why we never get nominated?

#16

⇓

Sure, yeah. Do I care? Not in the slightest.

#17

⇓

No, I don't care about it. I mean, all right.

#18

⇓

It is a little odd we've never been nominated.

#19

⇓

Yes, it's odd. It's…

#20

⇓

At some point it becomes a little aggressive.

#21

⇓

So what is it? We don't deserve it?

#22

⇓

We're not cool enough?

#23

⇓

- Whoa. - Whoa, okay, Frank.

#24

⇓

Now, if… If I do something, you better believe it's cool.

#25

⇓

Yeah, if I'm gonna put my name on somethin', it's gonna be

#26

⇓

- award-worthy. - Yeah.

#27

⇓

I can't imagine that other people are doing what we're doing better.

#28

⇓

I mean, it's serving up drinks.

#29

⇓

It's just upsetting. I'm sorry, I'm getting upset.

#30

⇓

- I don't care about winning. - If you wanna get a nomination,

#31

⇓

you gotta play the game.

#32

⇓

Nah, I don't wanna play a game

#33

⇓

- to get an award. - No.

#34

⇓

- That feels lame. - It is lame.

#35

⇓

Oh, is that your ass?

#36

⇓

Oh, closer to the hole, sir?

#37

⇓

Ugh.

#38

⇓

You know what's lame? Being around this long and never getting an award.

#39

⇓

Makes you look like a bunch of assholes.

#40

⇓

Mmm.

#41

⇓

You're really driving this home. It's upsetting,

#42

⇓

'cause now I'm getting the neck thing.

#43

⇓

I feel… I'm getting upset.

#44

⇓

- The neck, again. - Yeah,

#45

⇓

- your neck's going nuts? Yeah. - Yeah! You're getting that?

#46

⇓

They're making me feel like an asshole.

#47

⇓

They are making us feel like assholes.

#48

⇓

All right, you know what? We'll play the game. I'll kiss ass.

#49

⇓

- Yeah, let's play the game. - I'm okay with it,

#50

⇓

because who cares?

#51

⇓

- All right, fine. Let's play the game. - Sure.

#52

⇓

But I wanna be very clear about something.

#53

⇓

This literally means nothing to me.

#54

⇓

This office sucks.

#55

⇓

It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.

#56

⇓

- Yup. - It's the Restaurant and Bar Association.

#57

⇓

It's a stuffy organization.

#58

⇓

They're not in touch with the young people like us.

#59

⇓

Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.

#60

⇓

He starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.

#61

⇓

We should all spit.

#62

⇓

Look, we're not spittin', all right?

#63

⇓

Just keep your mouth shut and let me do the talkin'.

#64

⇓

- I know what I'm doin'. - Okay.

#65

⇓

Sorry. Sorry to keep you waiting.

#66

⇓

Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.

#67

⇓

These are my associates.

#68

⇓

Stand up. Show him some respect.

#69

⇓

I stand for no one.

#70

⇓

Please, it's not necessary. Have a seat.

#71

⇓

You heard the man. Sit down.

#72

⇓

Well, now I feel like standing.

#73

⇓

But I don't want to stand through an entire meeting

#74

⇓

'cause I don't know how long it's gonna last, so I'll sit down.

#75

⇓

- Hmm. - It's my choice.

#76

⇓

With much dignity and grace,

#77

⇓

we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award.

#78

⇓

Now, in the past,

#79

⇓

our group has not

#80

⇓

paid you any attention.

#81

⇓

But now we are prepared

#82

⇓

to pay you what you deserve.

#83

⇓

In attention.

#84

⇓

If you get my drift.

#85

⇓

I don't.

#86

⇓

Ponder lettuce and shrimp.

#87

⇓

- Excuse me? - He's inviting you

#88

⇓

out to lunch, bozo. You gonna go or not, yes or no?

#89

⇓

Actually, it's 3:30 in the afternoon. I've already eaten.

#90

⇓

This dickhead doesn't want a second…

#91

⇓

He's being offered lettuce and shrimp. He doesn't wanna…

#92

⇓

- Do you eat once a day? - Everybody, I had food.

#93

⇓

All right, you know what, I am out of here.

#94

⇓

I don't need this limpdick telling me whether my bar's cool, okay?

#95

⇓

No, no! No spittin'.

#96

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#97

⇓

Look, how much is it gonna cost us to get on the ballot?

#98

⇓

- Ten dollars. - Huh?

#99

⇓

The entry fee is $10.

#100

⇓

All you have to do is fill out the paperwork.

#101

⇓

Why have we never received this form?

#102

⇓

Well, we've actually sent you the form many times in the past,

#103

⇓

and as I recall, it always comes back covered in fecal matter, urine, and

#104

⇓

- racial slurs. - Oh.

#105

⇓

- That was a joke. - Hey, that's just,

#106

⇓

all in good fun, man.

#107

⇓

That's just our sense of humor. You'll get us.

#108

⇓

Shut up! Let bygones be bygones.

#109

⇓

- Yeah. Right, right. - We're here now to play the game.

#110

⇓

- Yeah. - Yes. Playing the game.

#111

⇓

I assume you take cash.

#112

⇓

Oh! So sorry.

#113

⇓

That wasn't meant for you.

#114

⇓

- That was actually meant for you. - That was meant for him.

#115

⇓

We thought maybe you would think that was funny.

#116

⇓

Yeah, if it exploded in your face,

#117

⇓

but I can tell by the look on your face that you don't think that's funny.

#118

⇓

- That's not your style. - No, that's a shame.

#119

⇓

Yeah, that's sort of our sense of humor.

#120

⇓

Guys, he's not gonna get us.

#121

⇓

- I think we gotta get out of here, right? - All right, guy.

#122

⇓

What'd I say, idiots?

#123

⇓

You wanna get nominated, you gotta play the game.

#124

⇓

- We are playing the game, Frank. - Nah, you're not playing…

#125

⇓

We're just not vibing with that guy. He's a stiff.

#126

⇓

We were vibrating, but maybe at a different frequency than that guy.

#127

⇓

- I like that. - No, Frank is right, though.

#128

⇓

We're too fringe. I mean, yeah, it's given us a lot of street cred,

#129

⇓

but I think we've alienated a lot of people in this town.

#130

⇓

You wanna win awards, you gotta campaign for it.

#131

⇓

It's an industry award.

#132

⇓

- It's true. We know we're cool. - Mmm.

#133

⇓

And our customers know we're cool,

#134

⇓

but the industry doesn't get it yet.

#135

⇓

All right, you know what? Can you guys actually drop me off back at the bar?

#136

⇓

I'm gonna go work on the Best Song.

#137

⇓

What Best Song?

#138

⇓

The Best Song Award.

#139

⇓

There's no Best Song Award.

#140

⇓

What are you talking about?

#141

⇓

Well, that's all the more reason to do a Best Song, right?

#142

⇓

We'll be the only bar who did it.

#143

⇓

And that's a good chance. We'll cover all the bases.

#144

⇓

I'll tell you what.

#145

⇓

Let's drop him off either way.

#146

⇓

- Okay. Good idea, Charlie. - That sounds good.

#147

⇓

- Good idea. Come on. - What?

#148

⇓

Where you think you're goin', baby?

#149

⇓

Hey, I just met you

#150

⇓

And this is crazy

#151

⇓

But here's my number

#152

⇓

So call me maybe

#153

⇓

I can't believe that this place won Best Bar.

#154

⇓

I mean, who comes to this place?

#155

⇓

A shitload of people.

#156

⇓

Sudz is a super popular place.

#157

⇓

I can't believe how bright it is in here. I don't like it.

#158

⇓

Yeah. And what's with all the loud, fake colors?

#159

⇓

I mean, where's the subtlety?

#160

⇓

All right, let's go grab a drink. We'll suss out the competition.

#161

⇓

I'm gonna go find the manager. Introduce myself, give him this swag bag.

#162

⇓

What's in that bag?

#163

⇓

Ah, it's just stuff I had our names printed on.

#164

⇓

I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg.

#165

⇓

- Why would you give him an egg? - It's like a paperweight.

#166

⇓

Trust me, Deandra. People eat this shit up.

#167

⇓

Look, you gotta play the game.

#168

⇓

- I know how to do it. - All right.

#169

⇓

- Good luck. Let's get a drink. - Yup.

#170

⇓

Hey, guys. How you doin'?

#171

⇓

My name is Greg. I'll be your bartender tonight.

#172

⇓

You ever been to Sudz before?

#173

⇓

You wish.

#174

⇓

- Don't think so, pal. - Okay, well, welcome, then.

#175

⇓

For our first-timers, I like to recommend

#176

⇓

our blended signature cocktail, The Blue Hole.

#177

⇓

It's served with three straws in a fishbowl.

#178

⇓

It's pretty darn good. Some people say it's better than an orgasm.

#179

⇓

Not that he's ever had one. Oh!

#180

⇓

Okay, Maxwell.

#181

⇓

Remind me to find a new best friend.

#182

⇓

Ugh.

#183

⇓

Two margaritas for table six, Greg.

#184

⇓

Hey, Amanda. What's wrong?

#185

⇓

Lemme guess.

#186

⇓

Your boyfriend canceled on you.

#187

⇓

Conference got extended.

#188

⇓

What can I say? He loves his work.

#189

⇓

Well, I think he should spend a little less time on his work

#190

⇓

and a little more time on you.

#191

⇓

Aw.

#192

⇓

- Thanks. You're so sweet. - Hmm.

#193

⇓

- What in the hell is happening? - What are they doing?

#194

⇓

Okay, sorry about that. So, one Blue Hole?

#195

⇓

Uh, well, let's see. There's three of us, so, three drinks.

#196

⇓

Yeah, well, they're generally shared, 'cause they're pretty big…

#197

⇓

- We said three, dickbag. - Get three!

#198

⇓

Mmm-hmm.

#199

⇓

- I don't care for that guy. - Me neither.

#200

⇓

- No. - Too soft.

#201

⇓

I want a little edge in my bartender. This is Philadelphia.

#202

⇓

What's with the, uh… What's with the black friend that no one is acknowledging

#203

⇓

is black… I feel like it's weird if you don't talk about that.

#204

⇓

It's strange to have one black friend and not be constantly talking about it.

#205

⇓

Yeah, shine a light on it. Make sure everybody sees and knows,

#206

⇓

like, "I have a black friend," and that's a thing.

#207

⇓

'Cause it's weird that a black person is friends with white people.

#208

⇓

- Hmm. I don't… - It's not that weird, but it's a thing.

#209

⇓

- Don't think it is. - It is.

#210

⇓

Here you guys go.

#211

⇓

- Oh. - There we go.

#212

⇓

Oh, drink up!

#213

⇓

What the hell was that?

#214

⇓

That's a Sudz alert.

#215

⇓

When we ring that bell, everybody's gotta drink, right?

#216

⇓

Yeah!

#217

⇓

I don't need a bell telling me when to drink.

#218

⇓

I'll drink when I'm goddamn good and thirsty.

#219

⇓

I'm pretty sure I know when to take a drink.

#220

⇓

Screw their stupid bell.

#221

⇓

I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though, 'cause it seemed like fun.

#222

⇓

- Now I feel left out. - Can we drink now?

#223

⇓

- Let's drink now. - Together?

#224

⇓

- 'Cause I… - Now I'm angry.

#225

⇓

What are you doing in my office?

#226

⇓

Oh.

#227

⇓

You snuck up on me.

#228

⇓

Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's Pub.

#229

⇓

I just thought I'd come by and say hello.

#230

⇓

Pay my respects.

#231

⇓

Also, I got you a little goody bag here.

#232

⇓

Some trinkets, knickknacks that you might enjoy.

#233

⇓

There's a broken egg in here.

#234

⇓

Oh, shit.

#235

⇓

That wasn't the hard-boiled one.

#236

⇓

Hey, you want me to cook that up for you?

#237

⇓

Ooh! Goddamn.

#238

⇓

That went down easy. I like this.

#239

⇓

- Yeah. - Guys, I'm starting to like this place.

#240

⇓

It's growing on me, too. I like the chemistry that the staff have.

#241

⇓

Did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda?

#242

⇓

- Yes. - Boy, I tell ya.

#243

⇓

She's got a boyfriend, but I think she and Greg should end up together.

#244

⇓

- Ooh. - Hmm.

#245

⇓

I'd like to come back next week to see if they do.

#246

⇓

- Yeah. Me, too. - I mean, she is cute.

#247

⇓

- She is just super cute, right? - She's cute.

#248

⇓

- So cute. - She is very cute.

#249

⇓

- She's not funny, though, so. - Yeah, but no,

#250

⇓

but she doesn't need to be funny because she's cute, she's loveable,

#251

⇓

everybody likes her, and then, if she can tell a joke,

#252

⇓

yeah, it's just a bonus.

#253

⇓

Let's get outta this dump.

#254

⇓

Oh, actually, this place is not a dump, Frank.

#255

⇓

It's pretty great. Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this man a Blue Hole?

#256

⇓

- You gotta try this thing. - I got news for you.

#257

⇓

Our secret's out, and it stinks.

#258

⇓

This manager's been to Paddy's,

#259

⇓

and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.

#260

⇓

- Well… - So what? That's what we do.

#261

⇓

We yell at each other, and if people wanna tune in and listen,

#262

⇓

then they're welcome to.

#263

⇓

Yeah, but I think that's off-putting to the customer.

#264

⇓

I mean, Greg would never yell at Amanda.

#265

⇓

All right, I'll tell you what we gotta do.

#266

⇓

We gotta up our game.

#267

⇓

We should host an industry night.

#268

⇓

Invite all the people who vote, who's in the industry,

#269

⇓

to come to our bar, and we'll show 'em what we're made of.

#270

⇓

Yeah, yeah. But I'd like to tweak a little bit

#271

⇓

of who we are and what we're made of, right? Soften the edges a little bit.

#272

⇓

All right. We'll tweak it a little bit.

#273

⇓

We'll show these bastards who's award-worthy.

#274

⇓

Yeah.

#275

⇓

Drink! Drink!

#276

⇓

Okay, guys. If we're gonna show

#277

⇓

these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,

#278

⇓

we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.

#279

⇓

Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.

#280

⇓

Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,

#281

⇓

because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?

#282

⇓

So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

#283

⇓

But we are gonna do a will-they-or-won't-they thing

#284

⇓

between you and Mac.

#285

⇓

- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.

#286

⇓

But the customers want you to be together.

#287

⇓

That's fun for them.

#288

⇓

Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together?

#289

⇓

Well, no. You do want to be together.

#290

⇓

The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together,

#291

⇓

but you do, deep down, want to be together.

#292

⇓

The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

#293

⇓

I need you to want to be together.

#294

⇓

- Oh. - Question.

#295

⇓

Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough

#296

⇓

to where you'll want to be with her.

#297

⇓

- Yes. - Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is

#298

⇓

I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light

#299

⇓

to soften up all those features.

#300

⇓

- I am into that, yes. - Yes. Okay, great.

#301

⇓

So. Guys, I got us banter cards.

#302

⇓

Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,

#303

⇓

and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.

#304

⇓

"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#305

⇓

"I would like to recommend to first-timers

#306

⇓

"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.

#307

⇓

"People say it's better than an orgasm."

#308

⇓

Not that he's ever had one.

#309

⇓

I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!

#310

⇓

I've had one with your mom!

#311

⇓

I will strangle you. I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

#312

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Relax.

#313

⇓

Sit down. What are you doin'?

#314

⇓

- Okay. - You came at me.

#315

⇓

And I gave it back to you hard,

#316

⇓

- 'cause… - Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

#317

⇓

Look, I'm just doing the thing.

#318

⇓

- Oh. - See?

#319

⇓

What you just did, that's how we normally talk.

#320

⇓

- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.

#321

⇓

You came at me real hard,

#322

⇓

and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.

#323

⇓

That's why we're tryin' something different here.

#324

⇓

- Oh. - Okay, guys?

#325

⇓

Memorize these lines, okay?

#326

⇓

We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.

#327

⇓

Right. Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.

#328

⇓

- What? - What?

#329

⇓

That's the punch line to Mac banging our mom.

#330

⇓

She didn't even notice.

#331

⇓

Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.

#332

⇓

- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.

#333

⇓

Look, stop. Don't do the jokes, okay?

#334

⇓

Let's settle into our new roles here.

#335

⇓

- Okay? Little bit of role play. - Change of plans. Change of plans.

#336

⇓

We gotta go darker with Industry Night.

#337

⇓

- What? - Edgier.

#338

⇓

No. Frank, don't derail us.

#339

⇓

We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.

#340

⇓

- That's what wins. - Wrong.

#341

⇓

Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.

#342

⇓

There were women strippin', but it was classy.

#343

⇓

It was dimly lit. They were serving martinis.

#344

⇓

Period costumes.

#345

⇓

There weren't a lot of people in there,

#346

⇓

but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

#347

⇓

Do you guys think that our location is the problem?

#348

⇓

- That could be it, yeah. - Hmm.

#349

⇓

Well, no. See, there was that bar that just opened last year

#350

⇓

right down the street,

#351

⇓

and they've already won a ton of awards.

#352

⇓

- Oh. Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.

#353

⇓

Is it us?

#354

⇓

- No. No, no, no. - Us?

#355

⇓

- No way. - No, it can't be us.

#356

⇓

- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem,

#357

⇓

- not us. - We don't have the…

#358

⇓

Yo! Hey, hey, hey!

#359

⇓

I got it! I got it!

#360

⇓

Got what?

#361

⇓

The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song.

#362

⇓

It's amazing. Get with the program.

#363

⇓

- All right? - Yes, Charlie, please.

#364

⇓

We're all clamoring to hear.

#365

⇓

Whoa, they say the world's your oyster

#366

⇓

Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

#367

⇓

You're the belle of the ball, but you ain't my cup of tea

#368

⇓

They always vote you best in show, but this doggie disagrees

#369

⇓

'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub

#370

⇓

Okay.

#371

⇓

There's a place for me

#372

⇓

It's the place I go

#373

⇓

Where the beer is cheap and the lights are low

#374

⇓

It's Paddy's Pub

#375

⇓

I like Paddy's Pub

#376

⇓

Let the record show the greatest place to go

#377

⇓

Is that bar called Paddy's Pub

#378

⇓

I like life in Paddy's Pub

#379

⇓

- My goodness! - Hey, hey!

#380

⇓

- Well, well, well. My goodness. - Wait,

#381

⇓

you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?

#382

⇓

I tried to go down the middle,

#383

⇓

- Middle America, Randy Newman… - Yes.

#384

⇓

Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,

#385

⇓

nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

#386

⇓

- No. Rats and cheese, or… - Why would there be rape?

#387

⇓

You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so…

#388

⇓

You guys misinterpret it, but…

#389

⇓

Charlie, that was great. It was really great.

#390

⇓

- Hey. Yeah. - You really knocked it outta the park.

#391

⇓

Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.

#392

⇓

Oh, yeah! Sure, okay.

#393

⇓

I'm glad you like the song, man.

#394

⇓

- Are you locking me in here? - Yeah.

#395

⇓

Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

#396

⇓

- No. No. - Doesn't make any sense. It's ridiculous.

#397

⇓

All right. Let's put on a good show.

#398

⇓

Hey, I just met you

#399

⇓

And this is crazy

#400

⇓

But here's my number

#401

⇓

So call me maybe

#402

⇓

People are starting to arrive.

#403

⇓

- This is great. So when a customer… - Yeah.

#404

⇓

- …comes up to you, keep it light. - Light.

#405

⇓

- Keep it playful. - Playful. Okay.

#406

⇓

- All right? - Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.

#407

⇓

'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.

#408

⇓

Cool. Okay, thanks, Z.

#409

⇓

Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.

#410

⇓

We should've gotten a less intense black guy for diversity,

#411

⇓

but we don't have any in our roster.

#412

⇓

But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

#413

⇓

To counter Z's vibe?

#414

⇓

You gotta be really careful about the ratio.

#415

⇓

We get too many black guys,

#416

⇓

people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

#417

⇓

- Black bars don't win awards. - No.

#418

⇓

I don't know why, but they don't.

#419

⇓

Loving these lights, you guys.

#420

⇓

I am glowing like an angel over here.

#421

⇓

Oh, my God.

#422

⇓

Hi, can I get a drink?

#423

⇓

Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#424

⇓

I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.

#425

⇓

Caribbean Paradise.

#426

⇓

Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

#427

⇓

Excuse me?

#428

⇓

Busting a nut.

#429

⇓

It's like blowing your load.

#430

⇓

- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.

#431

⇓

- Well, no… Hold on. - Yeah.

#432

⇓

It's like coming all over you.

#433

⇓

- No. - It's light, it's playful.

#434

⇓

Yeah, well, no. I think what my friend is trying to refer to

#435

⇓

is an orgasm, which is light and playful,

#436

⇓

- but he overstepped himself… - Oh, yeah.

#437

⇓

…and got a little bit too specific.

#438

⇓

Sorry. We jizz in the drink, and that's what makes it light.

#439

⇓

No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.

#440

⇓

- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.

#441

⇓

How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

#442

⇓

- No. Ma'am, I think what… - Just tell me where I jizz,

#443

⇓

so I can give this lady her drink.

#444

⇓

Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

#445

⇓

Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.

#446

⇓

- Holy shit, you're late. - She was late.

#447

⇓

- Go back in your light. - Really? Okay.

#448

⇓

We're all set up back there.

#449

⇓

Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.

#450

⇓

No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.

#451

⇓

Come with me.

#452

⇓

All right. Listen, listen, listen.

#453

⇓

What was that?

#454

⇓

All right. Look, look, look.

#455

⇓

You two do the charged moment, huh?

#456

⇓

- Will they or won't they? - Mmm-hmm.

#457

⇓

We are never ever ever

#458

⇓

- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.

#459

⇓

- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.

#460

⇓

This guy doesn't know what he's got.

#461

⇓

He's really ugly, too.

#462

⇓

- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Yeah.

#463

⇓

I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

#464

⇓

Okay, he's not ugly, all right?

#465

⇓

That wouldn't make any sense. That's… He's not ugly.

#466

⇓

- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's…

#467

⇓

You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos

#468

⇓

and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother…

#469

⇓

- What? Don't talk shit about my mom! - Whoa, hey! Hey!

#470

⇓

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop.

#471

⇓

- What the hell's going on over here? - I was just…

#472

⇓

That man is choking that woman.

#473

⇓

Get over here. What are you doing?

#474

⇓

This isn't will they or won't they?

#475

⇓

This is I know they won't, and I know I don't want them to.

#476

⇓

Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

#477

⇓

Oh, uh,

#478

⇓

that's okay. That's just our janitor.

#479

⇓

Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.

#480

⇓

- What are you doing, dude? - I broke out.

#481

⇓

Are you high?

#482

⇓

You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

#483

⇓

Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay?

#484

⇓

Get higher if you want.

#485

⇓

Just go back in. Don't sit down there.

#486

⇓

No, no, no, don't, don't. God damn it.

#487

⇓

- What are we gonna do? - Well, it looks like Z brought friends.

#488

⇓

- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.

#489

⇓

That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.

#490

⇓

- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?

#491

⇓

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?

#492

⇓

Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes.

#493

⇓

Hey, guys… Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

#494

⇓

How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?

#495

⇓

Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.

#496

⇓

- Yeah, this is classy. - Oh!

#497

⇓

- Whaddaya need? Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!

#498

⇓

Put it in.

#499

⇓

- Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying!

#500

⇓

Don't judge me. This is art.

#501

⇓

- Shut the door! - This is not art!

#502

⇓

Attention.

#503

⇓

Attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.

#504

⇓

I'm a singer.

#505

⇓

- Charlie's doing the song. - Yeah.

#506

⇓

- The song was light. - Yeah.

#507

⇓

The song was light. That'll lighten things up.

#508

⇓

Do the song, dude. Do the song. Yeah.

#509

⇓

Please enjoy this song.

#510

⇓

There is a spider

#511

⇓

Spider, spider

#512

⇓

He's deep in my soul, soul

#513

⇓

He's lived here for years, years

#514

⇓

He just won't let go

#515

⇓

He's laying around

#516

⇓

He's got a mean bite

#517

⇓

Now he's ready to

#518

⇓

Fight

#519

⇓

And stand up for what he knows

#520

⇓

I don't need your trophies or your gold

#521

⇓

I just wanna tell you all

#522

⇓

Goyourselves

#523

⇓

Oh, shit.

#524

⇓

Goyourselves

#525

⇓

Whoo, wah-ooh

#526

⇓

- Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.

#527

⇓

- Is that the sign? Spit! Spit! - It's a good sign.

#528

⇓

Hey, you!

#529

⇓

What is wrong with you people?

#530

⇓

- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!

#531

⇓

Get out of here!

#532

⇓

I really mean to tell you

#533

⇓

you

#534

⇓

I don't need you in my bar

#535

⇓

- Beat it! - There's your damn award!

#536

⇓

Ooh

#537

⇓

Did you hear my song?

#538

⇓

I heard it. I love it.

#539

⇓

- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.

#540

⇓

You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.

#541

⇓

I mean, I guess it is us

#542

⇓

- after all. It's us. - Yeah.

#543

⇓

- All right, it's us. - Yeah.

#544

⇓

Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.

#545

⇓

- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.

#546

⇓

Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.

#547

⇓

- Yeah! - We do our own thing and we're good at it.

#548

⇓

- I don't need their validation. - No.

#549

⇓

- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.

#550

⇓

- Totally. - Yeah.

#551

⇓

- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.

#552

⇓

- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

#553

⇓

Yeah.

#554

⇓

Drink! Drink!

#555

⇓

Okay, guys. If we're gonna show

#556

⇓

these industry folks tonight that we're likeable,

#557

⇓

we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.

#558

⇓

Yeah. Don't worry. I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.

#559

⇓

Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around,

#560

⇓

because men are intimidated by funny women. All right?

#561

⇓

So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.

#562

⇓

But we are gonna do a will-they-or-won't-they thing

#563

⇓

between you and Mac.

#564

⇓

- Dee and I don't wanna be together. - No.

#565

⇓

But the customers want you to be together.

#566

⇓

That's fun for them.

#567

⇓

Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together?

#568

⇓

Well, no. You do want to be together.

#569

⇓

The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together,

#570

⇓

but you do, deep down, want to be together.

#571

⇓

The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.

#572

⇓

I need you to want to be together.

#573

⇓

- Oh. - Question.

#574

⇓

Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough

#575

⇓

to where you'll want to be with her.

#576

⇓

- Yes. - Okay. See, what I'm gonna do is

#577

⇓

I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light

#578

⇓

to soften up all those features.

#579

⇓

- I am into that, yes. - Yes. Okay, great.

#580

⇓

So. Guys, I got us banter cards.

#581

⇓

Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in,

#582

⇓

and then I'm gonna execute with a quip. Let's give it a shot.

#583

⇓

"Hey! I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#584

⇓

"I would like to recommend to first-timers

#585

⇓

"our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.

#586

⇓

"People say it's better than an orgasm."

#587

⇓

Not that he's ever had one.

#588

⇓

I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms!

#589

⇓

I've had one with your mom!

#590

⇓

I will strangle you. I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye!

#591

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, relax. Relax.

#592

⇓

Sit down. What are you doin'?

#593

⇓

- Okay. - You came at me.

#594

⇓

And I gave it back to you hard,

#595

⇓

- 'cause… - Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.

#596

⇓

Look, I'm just doing the thing.

#597

⇓

- Oh. - See?

#598

⇓

What you just did, that's how we normally talk.

#599

⇓

- That's very aggressive. - I came at you hard.

#600

⇓

You came at me real hard,

#601

⇓

and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.

#602

⇓

That's why we're tryin' something different here.

#603

⇓

- Oh. - Okay, guys?

#604

⇓

Memorize these lines, okay?

#605

⇓

We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.

#606

⇓

Right. Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.

#607

⇓

- What? - What?

#608

⇓

That's the punch line to Mac banging our mom.

#609

⇓

She didn't even notice.

#610

⇓

Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.

#611

⇓

- He just said it. - Look, there's a timing concern.

#612

⇓

Look, stop. Don't do the jokes, okay?

#613

⇓

Let's settle into our new roles here.

#614

⇓

- Okay? Little bit of role play. - Change of plans. Change of plans.

#615

⇓

We gotta go darker with Industry Night.

#616

⇓

- What? - Edgier.

#617

⇓

No. Frank, don't derail us.

#618

⇓

We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.

#619

⇓

- That's what wins. - Wrong.

#620

⇓

Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.

#621

⇓

There were women strippin', but it was classy.

#622

⇓

It was dimly lit. They were serving martinis.

#623

⇓

Period costumes.

#624

⇓

There weren't a lot of people in there,

#625

⇓

but this bar has won a shitload of awards.

#626

⇓

Do you guys think that our location is the problem?

#627

⇓

- That could be it, yeah. - Hmm.

#628

⇓

Well, no. See, there was that bar that just opened last year

#629

⇓

right down the street,

#630

⇓

and they've already won a ton of awards.

#631

⇓

- Oh. Mmm-hmm. - Ah, right.

#632

⇓

Is it us?

#633

⇓

- No. No, no, no. - Us?

#634

⇓

- No way. - No, it can't be us.

#635

⇓

- I highly doubt it's us. - It's their problem,

#636

⇓

- not us. - We don't have the…

#637

⇓

Yo! Hey, hey, hey!

#638

⇓

I got it! I got it!

#639

⇓

Got what?

#640

⇓

The Best Song. I wrote the Best Song.

#641

⇓

It's amazing. Get with the program.

#642

⇓

- All right? - Yes, Charlie, please.

#643

⇓

We're all clamoring to hear.

#644

⇓

Whoa, they say the world's your oyster

#645

⇓

Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me

#646

⇓

You're the belle of the ball, but you ain't my cup of tea

#647

⇓

They always vote you best in show, but this doggie disagrees

#648

⇓

'Cause I like life in Paddy's Pub

#649

⇓

Okay.

#650

⇓

There's a place for me

#651

⇓

It's the place I go

#652

⇓

Where the beer is cheap and the lights are low

#653

⇓

It's Paddy's Pub

#654

⇓

I like Paddy's Pub

#655

⇓

Let the record show the greatest place to go

#656

⇓

Is that bar called Paddy's Pub

#657

⇓

I like life in Paddy's Pub

#658

⇓

- My goodness! - Hey, hey!

#659

⇓

- Well, well, well. My goodness. - Wait,

#660

⇓

you guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me?

#661

⇓

I tried to go down the middle,

#662

⇓

- Middle America, Randy Newman… - Yes.

#663

⇓

Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references,

#664

⇓

nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.

#665

⇓

- No. Rats and cheese, or… - Why would there be rape?

#666

⇓

You're always talkin' about rape and spiders, so…

#667

⇓

You guys misinterpret it, but…

#668

⇓

Charlie, that was great. It was really great.

#669

⇓

- Hey. Yeah. - You really knocked it outta the park.

#670

⇓

Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.

#671

⇓

Oh, yeah! Sure, okay.

#672

⇓

I'm glad you like the song, man.

#673

⇓

- Are you locking me in here? - Yeah.

#674

⇓

Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.

#675

⇓

- No. No. - Doesn't make any sense. It's ridiculous.

#676

⇓

All right. Let's put on a good show.

#677

⇓

Hey, I just met you

#678

⇓

And this is crazy

#679

⇓

But here's my number

#680

⇓

So call me maybe

#681

⇓

People are starting to arrive.

#682

⇓

- This is great. So when a customer… - Yeah.

#683

⇓

- …comes up to you, keep it light. - Light.

#684

⇓

- Keep it playful. - Playful. Okay.

#685

⇓

- All right? - Y'all ain't gotta worry about me.

#686

⇓

'Cause I'mma be chattin' these fools up like a mug.

#687

⇓

Cool. Okay, thanks, Z.

#688

⇓

Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.

#689

⇓

We should've gotten a less intense black guy for diversity,

#690

⇓

but we don't have any in our roster.

#691

⇓

But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix?

#692

⇓

To counter Z's vibe?

#693

⇓

You gotta be really careful about the ratio.

#694

⇓

We get too many black guys,

#695

⇓

people think it's a black bar. That will not help us.

#696

⇓

- Black bars don't win awards. - No.

#697

⇓

I don't know why, but they don't.

#698

⇓

Loving these lights, you guys.

#699

⇓

I am glowing like an angel over here.

#700

⇓

Oh, my God.

#701

⇓

Hi, can I get a drink?

#702

⇓

Hey, I'm Mac. Welcome to Paddy's Pub.

#703

⇓

I like to recommend to our first-timers our signature cocktail.

#704

⇓

Caribbean Paradise.

#705

⇓

Some people say it's better than busting a nut.

#706

⇓

Excuse me?

#707

⇓

Busting a nut.

#708

⇓

It's like blowing your load.

#709

⇓

- Oh, God. - He said it was a funny joke.

#710

⇓

- Well, no… Hold on. - Yeah.

#711

⇓

It's like coming all over you.

#712

⇓

- No. - It's light, it's playful.

#713

⇓

Yeah, well, no. I think what my friend is trying to refer to

#714

⇓

is an orgasm, which is light and playful,

#715

⇓

- but he overstepped himself… - Oh, yeah.

#716

⇓

…and got a little bit too specific.

#717

⇓

Sorry. We jizz in the drink, and that's what makes it light.

#718

⇓

No, no. Nobody's jizzing on anything.

#719

⇓

- Well, where do I jizz? - You don't jizz.

#720

⇓

How can I orgasm if I don't jizz?

#721

⇓

- No. Ma'am, I think what… - Just tell me where I jizz,

#722

⇓

so I can give this lady her drink.

#723

⇓

Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.

#724

⇓

Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.

#725

⇓

- Holy shit, you're late. - She was late.

#726

⇓

- Go back in your light. - Really? Okay.

#727

⇓

We're all set up back there.

#728

⇓

Deandra, grab a couple bottles of champagne. Let's go.

#729

⇓

No, no, no. I got it, I got it. Dee, stay in your light.

#730

⇓

Come with me.

#731

⇓

All right. Listen, listen, listen.

#732

⇓

What was that?

#733

⇓

All right. Look, look, look.

#734

⇓

You two do the charged moment, huh?

#735

⇓

- Will they or won't they? - Mmm-hmm.

#736

⇓

We are never ever ever

#737

⇓

- What's wrong, Dee? - Oh, nothing.

#738

⇓

- Lemme guess, boyfriend troubles? - Hmm.

#739

⇓

This guy doesn't know what he's got.

#740

⇓

He's really ugly, too.

#741

⇓

- I'm sorry, are you talking to me? - Yeah.

#742

⇓

I said her boyfriend's ugly. Pay attention, bozo.

#743

⇓

Okay, he's not ugly, all right?

#744

⇓

That wouldn't make any sense. That's… He's not ugly.

#745

⇓

- Dude's a total tool, too. - It's…

#746

⇓

You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos

#747

⇓

and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother…

#748

⇓

- What? Don't talk shit about my mom! - Whoa, hey! Hey!

#749

⇓

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop.

#750

⇓

- What the hell's going on over here? - I was just…

#751

⇓

That man is choking that woman.

#752

⇓

Get over here. What are you doing?

#753

⇓

This isn't will they or won't they?

#754

⇓

This is I know they won't, and I know I don't want them to.

#755

⇓

Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.

#756

⇓

Oh, uh,

#757

⇓

that's okay. That's just our janitor.

#758

⇓

Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.

#759

⇓

- What are you doing, dude? - I broke out.

#760

⇓

Are you high?

#761

⇓

You put me in the basement with spray cans. I got high.

#762

⇓

Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay?

#763

⇓

Get higher if you want.

#764

⇓

Just go back in. Don't sit down there.

#765

⇓

No, no, no, don't, don't. God damn it.

#766

⇓

- What are we gonna do? - Well, it looks like Z brought friends.

#767

⇓

- Yo, yo, yo. What up? - Aw, jeez.

#768

⇓

That's too many black guys, dude. The ratio's off.

#769

⇓

- Dennis, the ratio's off! - Okay, you know what?

#770

⇓

Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque. Remember?

#771

⇓

Burlesque. Yes, yes, yes.

#772

⇓

Hey, guys… Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

#773

⇓

How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah?

#774

⇓

Here, come with me. I wanna show you somethin'.

#775

⇓

- Yeah, this is classy. - Oh!

#776

⇓

- Whaddaya need? Put the bottle in! - Oh, my God. I did!

#777

⇓

Put it in.

#778

⇓

- Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! - I'm trying!

#779

⇓

Don't judge me. This is art.

#780

⇓

- Shut the door! - This is not art!

#781

⇓

Attention.

#782

⇓

Attention, everybody. I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.

#783

⇓

I'm a singer.

#784

⇓

- Charlie's doing the song. - Yeah.

#785

⇓

- The song was light. - Yeah.

#786

⇓

The song was light. That'll lighten things up.

#787

⇓

Do the song, dude. Do the song. Yeah.

#788

⇓

Please enjoy this song.

#789

⇓

There is a spider

#790

⇓

Spider, spider

#791

⇓

He's deep in my soul, soul

#792

⇓

He's lived here for years, years

#793

⇓

He just won't let go

#794

⇓

He's laying around

#795

⇓

He's got a mean bite

#796

⇓

Now he's ready to

#797

⇓

Fight

#798

⇓

And stand up for what he knows

#799

⇓

I don't need your trophies or your gold

#800

⇓

I just wanna tell you all

#801

⇓

Goyourselves

#802

⇓

Oh, shit.

#803

⇓

Goyourselves

#804

⇓

Whoo, wah-ooh

#805

⇓

- Is he spitting? - Oh, he's spitting at them.

#806

⇓

- Is that the sign? Spit! Spit! - It's a good sign.

#807

⇓

Hey, you!

#808

⇓

What is wrong with you people?

#809

⇓

- Get out of our bar! - We don't need you!

#810

⇓

Get out of here!

#811

⇓

I really mean to tell you

#812

⇓

you

#813

⇓

I don't need you in my bar

#814

⇓

- Beat it! - There's your damn award!

#815

⇓

Ooh

#816

⇓

Did you hear my song?

#817

⇓

I heard it. I love it.

#818

⇓

- Great song, Charlie. - Yeah, man.

#819

⇓

You know what, that felt good. That felt real good.

#820

⇓

I mean, I guess it is us

#821

⇓

- after all. It's us. - Yeah.

#822

⇓

- All right, it's us. - Yeah.

#823

⇓

Well, screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.

#824

⇓

- I like us, too, Dee. - Yeah. Well, because we're awesome.

#825

⇓

Yeah, it's 'cause we're good at what we do.

#826

⇓

- Yeah! - We do our own thing and we're good at it.

#827

⇓

- I don't need their validation. - No.

#828

⇓

- That's exactly right. - No, no, I'm happy with us.

#829

⇓

- Totally. - Yeah.

#830

⇓

- I really wanted an award, though. - I was dying for one.

#831

⇓

- Ah, that'd be so nice. - Would've meant a lot.

#832

⇓

Yeah.

#833

⇓