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Home » Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby » S01E01 — Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Season 1, Episode 1 — Talladega Nights The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

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- Guess how fast we're going now. - I don't care, I'm having a baby!

baby care fast having

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Hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that?

believe five five-miles hour hundred miles

↓

Reese, you just passed the hospital!

hospital passed reese

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- The baby's coming, he's coming now! - All right, all right, hold on.

babys coming

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- Okay, but I think he might be stuck. - Grab onto something. Ready?

grab might ready stuck

↓

One, two, three!

three

↓

It's a baby boy.

baby

↓

I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here...

coming happy house waffle

↓

...to talk to y'all about my day-to-day.

yall

↓

And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell...

shell yall

↓

...what it's like to manage a Waffle House.

house manage waffle

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Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them.

maam

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And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at.

↓

Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you.

applause round

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Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here?

bobby father ricky

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No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years.

daddy maam seen years

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But my mama say he's out racing cars...

cars mama racing

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...and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves.

dipping moves

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Okay, kids, that's enough. We're gonna move on to Brennan.

kids

↓

Don't pay them no mind, Ricky.

mind ricky

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Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever.

bake best best-friend forever friend shake thanks

↓

- His job is like as a prison guard.

guard prison

↓

Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby.

bobby darling excuse reese

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I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky.

career ricky

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- Dad! - Hey there, boy!

↓

Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months?

four four-months longs months three

↓

- Ten years. - Ten years?

years

↓

Man, I gotta lay off the peyote.

↓

Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here.

bobby smoking

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It's all right, I'm a volunteer fireman.

fireman volunteer

↓

Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver...

driver professional

↓

...and an amateur tattoo artist.

amateur artist tattoo

↓

And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver...

driver learn

↓

...is you don't listen to losers...

losers

↓

...like your know-it-all teacher here. - Okay, I think that's enough.

teacher

↓

Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong...

slow teacher wants

↓

...because it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid.

fastest laid paid

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Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

↓

You people are in the wrong on this one!

↓

So in the wrong!

↓

This is egregious, do you hear me? Egregious!

↓

We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming!

andy coming payback

↓

Dad!

↓

Don't listen to these people, Ricky. You're a winner.

ricky winner

↓

You got the gift. Always remember, if you ain't first, you're last.

aint gift remember

↓

If you ain't first, you're last.

aint

↓

- See you when you're grown up. - Dad! Come back, Dad!

grown

↓

It's a hot one here in Talladega...

↓

...and this crowd of over 180,000 is enjoying one heck of a day.

crowd enjoying heck

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Yo, Terry. Terry, we got the caution. Bring it in for a pit. Let's work on it.

bring caution terry

↓

All right, fellas, let's go.

fellas

↓

Looking good. Yes, come on.

looking

↓

Keep it up, baby.

baby

↓

- All right, way to go. - Go, way to go.

↓

Nice jack work, Ricky.

jack ricky

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Hey, Shake and Bake, Cal.

bake shake

↓

- Shake and Bake! - Terry, it's all on you, bro. You go.

bake shake terry

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Go, baby, go. Wait, what are you doing?

baby

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- I gotta take a piss. - Go, go, go!

piss

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It doesn't matter, Lucius. We're in last place. Relax.

matter place relax

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Jeez, I gotta go take a whiz. Get off my ass.

jeez whiz

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You see, this is what I'm talking about.

↓

That's why this group right here is the laughingstock of NASCAR.

group

↓

Face it, we suck.

face suck

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It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on:

focus place

↓

One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends.

dear friends hard tried

↓

Glenn, shut up.

glenn

↓

I see Terry. He's having a chicken sandwich.

chicken having sandwich terry

↓

Hey, fellas! These are really good. You should try one.

fellas

↓

That place actually makes a nice sauce.

makes place sauce

↓

Let me eat this, then I gotta make a phone call...

phone

↓

...then I'm coming back, all right? - This is the bottom line.

bottom bottom-line coming line

↓

If we don't get that car back on the track...

track

↓

...our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken.

chicken sponsors

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Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast? Anybody?

anybody fast wants

↓

I wanna go fast.

fast

↓

Hey, get him a suit. Hurry up, make it snappy. Let's go.

hurry suit

↓

- Hustle up, hustle up. - Hey, man!

hustle

↓

Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars?

biology cars kicked playing remember

↓

- Yeah! - Who's retarded now?

retarded

↓

- Yeah. - Hey, what are you doing after this?

↓

- After the race? - Yeah.

race

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I don't know, but it feels like we're wasting a lot of time.

feels wasting

↓

No, I know, I know. I'm just excited, man!

excited

↓

- Yeah, I know. Yeah. - Hey! I love you!

love

↓

- What? - Nothing.

↓

Shake and Bake! Get some!

bake shake

↓

You're my best friend! You're my best friend!

best best-friend friend

↓

- Okay, then! - I'm in there with you!

↓

- I gotta get going! - Go, go!

↓

- Yeah! - That's Ricky, baby!

baby ricky

↓

That's my boy, Ricky!

ricky

↓

Hey, Ricky, just remember one thing:

remember ricky

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If you wreck that car, that's 200 grand out of your pocket...

grand pocket wreck

↓

...so let's take it nice and slow, okay?

slow

↓

With all due respect, Lucius, I'm gonna do some driving.

driving respect

↓

Excuse me, coming through.

coming excuse

↓

Apparently, we've got a situation for the Laughing Clown, number 26 car.

apparently clown laughing number situation

↓

Terry Cheveaux is refusing to drive. One of his crew members...

crew drive members refusing terry

↓

...has taken the wheel.

taken wheel

↓

Hey, just wanted to share a little piece of personal information with you.

information personal piece share wanted

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I got a chubby right now...

chubby

↓

...because this is one of the most awesome experiences of my life...

awesome experiences life

↓

...because I'm getting to drive a racecar!

drive

↓

I can't believe it! Oh, my God!

believe

↓

Wow, that was cool.

cool

↓

Come on, come on.

↓

The big story from Talladega:

story

↓

Little-known jack-man Ricky Bobby places third in the Dennit machine.

bobby jack known machine places ricky third

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Ricky, first of all, where did you learn to drive like that?

drive learn ricky

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In a car. Car handle really good. Yeah.

handle

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Can you speak up, Ricky?

ricky speak

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A car. It handled real good.

handled real

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So, what do you think, Mr. Dennit? He sure can drive.

drive

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He's got guts. Dennit Racing needs a racer like him.

guts needs racer racing

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Come on, Dad. He's just a stupid cowboy.

cowboy stupid

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Look how bad he is in that interview.

interview

↓

Junior, driving has got nothing to do with interviews.

driving interviews junior

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I just wish to hell you had a little more stupid cowboy in you.

cowboy stupid wish

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I felt like I was on a spaceship and...

↓

I'm not sure what to do with my hands.

hands

↓

Be good to hold them down by your side.

side

↓

We're really happy with what was going on.

happy

↓

And at the end of the day, you know, you gotta be happy.

happy

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- What did you say his name was again? - His name is Ricky. Ricky Bobby.

bobby name ricky

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Ricky Bobby? He's got two first names.

bobby names ricky

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Whatever his name is, let's get him over here.

name

↓

Everything ended up fine.

ended

↓

Yeah, okay, everything was fine. Thanks, thanks. Great job in the car.

thanks

↓

Ricky Bobby, a force to be reckoned with, possibly...

bobby force possibly ricky

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...in the near future.

future near

↓

Ricky Bobby with yet another impressive win.

another bobby impressive ricky

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He is dominating NAS CAR.

↓

First or last, baby, you know it!

baby

↓

I've never seen a driver who wants to win more than this guy.

driver seen wants

↓

I could get used to this winning thing!

used winning

↓

Dennit Racing Incorporated has decided to field an additional car.

additional decided field incorporated racing

↓

And, at the urging of Ricky Bobby...

bobby ricky

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...who's been like a son to me, only better...

↓

...I'm naming Cal Naughton Jr. As the driver.

driver naming

↓

All right.

↓

- Cal Naughton. - Hey...

↓

...we just want to say to all you other drivers out there...

drivers

↓

...if you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race...

crispy delicious race smell

↓

...it's not your tailpipe, it's a little bit...

↓

...of shake...

shake

↓

And then bake.

bake

↓

Shake and Bake!

bake shake

↓

- That's our nickname. - Get used to hearing it.

hearing nickname used

↓

And Ricky Bobby wins...

bobby ricky wins

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...with Cal Naughton Jr. Finishing second.

finishing second

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- Yeah! - Hey, man!

↓

- Shake... - And bake!

bake shake

↓

Hey, driver! Drive these.

drive driver

↓

Please be 18.

↓

You want to make this out to Charlotte?

charlotte

↓

Hey, excuse me, Ricky.

excuse ricky

↓

- Hey, Dale. - Hey, can I get your autograph?

autograph dale

↓

- Sure. Who do I make this out to? - It's for me. I think you're awesome.

awesome

↓

- Don't tell the other drivers. - I'm not gonna tell anyone.

drivers

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I'll see you out there.

↓

Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby.

absolutely baby love maam sign

↓

You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead.

forehead wash

↓

- That's right, Powerade's number one. - Not just for hydration, for vitamin.

number vitamin

↓

No, it's me, it's me, Susan, your assistant.

assistant susan

↓

Gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode.

autograph mode watch

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I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't have been standing.

fault standing

↓

I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner...

bobby christmas corner ricky

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...and what better gift to give a loved one...

gift loved

↓

...than the Jackhawk 9000?

↓

Available at Wal-Mart.

available mart

↓

When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff...

lady mysterious part stuff

↓

...you should have the right tools too. So that's why you should use...

tools

↓

...Maypax, the official tampon of NASCAR.

official tampon

↓

I'm Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

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If you don't chew Big Red, then f*** you.

chew

↓

Prune candy.

candy

↓

- You happy? - I'm very happy.

happy

↓

- Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. - And I'm Cal Naughton Jr.

bobby ricky

↓

Urging you never to travel to Tijuana.

tijuana travel

↓

Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

ricky

↓

Okay, I'm starting to get sick.

sick starting

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Dick Berggren in Las Vegas, Victory Lane, for Fox Television.

dick lane television vegas victory

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Ricky Bobby, today's big winner. Heck of a win for you today...

bobby heck ricky today todays winner

↓

...but it seems as if you either win or crash the car trying to win.

crash seems

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Well, Dick, here's the deal. I'm the best there is, plain and simple.

best deal dick plain simple

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I mean, I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

excellence morning piss wake

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And nobody can hang with my stuff.

hang nobody stuff

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You know, I'm just a big, hairy, American winning machine.

american hairy machine winning

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If you ain't first, you're last. You know what I'm talking about?

aint

↓

That phrase is trademarked...

phrase

↓

...not to be used without permission of Ricky Bobby Inc.

bobby permission ricky used

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Supper's ready! Come on, y'all! I've been slaving over this for hours!

hours ready yall

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Dear Lord baby Jesus...

baby dear dear-lord jesus lord

↓

...or as our brothers to the south call you, Jesus...

brothers jesus south

↓

...we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Domino's, KFC...

dominos harvest

↓

...and the always delicious Taco Bell.

bell delicious taco taco-bell

↓

I just want to take time to say thank you for my family...

family

↓

...my two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons...

handsome sons striking

↓

...Walker and Texas Ranger...

ranger texas walker

↓

...or T.R., as we call him...

↓

...and of course, my red-hot smoking wife, Carley...

course smoking wife

↓

...who is a stone-cold fox.

cold stone

↓

Who if you were to rate her ass on 100, it would easily be a 94.

easily rate

↓

Also wanna thank you for my best friend, Cal Naughton Jr...

best best-friend friend

↓

...who's got my back no matter what.

matter

↓

Shake and Bake.

bake shake

↓

Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also thank you for my wife's father, Chip.

baby chip dear dear-lord father jesus lord wifes

↓

We hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers...

baby hope jesus powers

↓

...to heal him and his horrible leg.

heal horrible

↓

And it smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it.

bothering dogs smells

↓

Dear tiny infant Jesus, we...

dear infant jesus tiny

↓

Hey, you know, sweetie...

sweetie

↓

...Jesus did grow up.

grow jesus

↓

You don't always have to call him "baby."

baby

↓

It's odd and off-putting to pray to a baby.

baby pray putting

↓

Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best and I'm saying grace.

best christmas christmas-jesus grace jesus

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When you say grace, say it to grownup Jesus, teenage Jesus...

grace jesus teenage

↓

...bearded Jesus, whoever you want.

bearded jesus

↓

You know what I want?

↓

I want you to do this grace good, so that God will let us win tomorrow.

grace tomorrow

↓

Dear tiny Jesus...

dear jesus tiny

↓

...in your golden-fleece diapers, with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists...

diapers fists golden tiny

↓

...pawing at the air... - He was a man. He had a beard.

beard

↓

Look, I like the baby version the best, do you hear me?

baby best version

↓

I win the races and I get the money.

money races

↓

Ricky, finish the damn grace.

finish grace ricky

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I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt...

jesus picture shirt tuxedo

↓

...because it says, like, "I wanna be formal...

formal

↓

- Right. ...but I'm here to party too."

party

↓

Because I like to party, so I like my Jesus to party.

jesus party

↓

I like to picture Jesus as a ninja fighting off evil samurai.

evil fighting jesus ninja picture

↓

I like to think of Jesus, like, with giant eagle's wings.

eagles giant jesus wings

↓

And singing lead vocals for Lynyrd Skynyrd...

lead singing

↓

...with, like, a angel band.

angel band

↓

And I'm in the front row, and I'm hammered drunk.

drunk front hammered

↓

Hey, Cal? Why don't you just shut up?

↓

- Yes, ma'am. - Okay.

maam

↓

Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce, newborn infant Jesus...

dear infant jesus ounce pound

↓

...don't even know a word yet...

word

↓

...just a little infant and so cuddly, but still omnipotent...

cuddly infant

↓

...we just thank you for all the races I've won and the 21.2 million dollars...

dollars million million-dollars races

↓

Love that money!

love money

↓

- That I have accrued over this past season.

past season

↓

Also, due to a binding endorsement contract...

binding contract

↓

...that stipulates I mention Powerade at each grace...

grace mention

↓

...I just wanna say that Powerade is delicious...

delicious

↓

...and it cools you off on a hot summer day.

summer

↓

And we look forward to Powerade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.

blueberry forward mountain release

↓

Thank you for all your power and your grace, dear baby God. Amen.

amen baby dear grace power

↓

- Amen. - Amen.

amen

↓

Let's dig in!

↓

That was a hell of a grace, man. You nailed that like a split hog!

grace nailed split

↓

I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good.

↓

Dad, you made that grace your bitch.

bitch grace

↓

Hey, boys, I wanna see some napkins in the lap.

boys napkins

↓

Boys, how was school today?

boys school school-today today

↓

I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.

bridge bunch chips grandpa threw

↓

Sounds like a good day. Texas Ranger, how about you?

ranger sounds texas

↓

Well, the teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina.

asked capital carolina north teacher

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I said, "Washington, D.C."

washington

↓

- Bingo. - Nice.

bingo

↓

She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt."

butt lumpy

↓

She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants.

pants pissed yelled

↓

And I never did change my pee pants all day.

change pants

↓

I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants.

dirty pants sitting

↓

I wet my bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that.

shame

↓

I get emotional because you guys are working so hard.

emotional hard working

↓

I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me...

proud remind

↓

...precocious and full of wonderment.

full

↓

Tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed.

blessed ricky truly

↓

- These two are two in a million. - I am.

million

↓

Just like Carley's tatas.

↓

You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee.

another guarantee rack

↓

Thank you, Cal.

↓

That's real sweet of you, Cal.

real sweet

↓

That's real nice. That's one of the nicest things you've ever said.

nicest real

↓

- Well, I mean it. - Stop, you're gonna make me cry.

↓

It comes from my heart, that's why.

comes heart

↓

I can't hold my tongue.

tongue

↓

These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong.

grandchildren kids raising

↓

They are terrible boys.

boys

↓

Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!

chip

↓

I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head.

head kick

↓

- Yeah! - Yeah. Turn up the heat.

heat

↓

Go on and get some, boys.

boys

↓

I'm 10 years old, but I'll beat your ass.

beat years

↓

Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey.

chip monkey spider

↓

Like a spider monkey! Go on.

monkey spider

↓

Chip, you brought this on.

brought chip

↓

The greatest generation, my ass.

generation greatest

↓

Tom Brokaw is a punk.

brokaw punk

↓

What is wrong with you?

↓

Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew.

chip jacked mountain

↓

I love that.

love

↓

I sure as hell am, Chip. I love the way they're talking to you.

chip love

↓

They're winners. Winners get to do what they want.

winners

↓

Hell, you're just a bag of bones.

bones

↓

Only thing you ever done with your life is make a hot daughter.

daughter life

↓

That's it. That is it!

↓

We wanted us some wussies...

wanted

↓

...we would've named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman, okay?

medicine named quinn woman wouldve

↓

I work too hard for your bull, Chip.

bull chip hard

↓

Come here. You make me hot. Come here.

↓

Everyone just keep eating.

eating

↓

- It's on. - Come here. Come here.

↓

All right.

↓

I'll hold your hair.

hair

↓

- Hey, Stephen. - Hey, Ricky.

ricky stephen

↓

Got those two tickets for my special friend?

friend special special-friend tickets

↓

Yeah, sure do. You know I do, Ricky. Got them right here, buddy.

buddy ricky

↓

Great. Hey, how's your mama's hip?

mamas

↓

She's gonna be all right, thank you for asking.

asking

↓

- Appreciate it. Hey, good luck today. - Thanks.

appreciate luck thanks today

↓

That's the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.

life saddest seen

↓

That boy leaves two tickets for his daddy at every race...

daddy leaves race tickets

↓

...and he never shows up.

shows

↓

That's a shame.

shame

↓

The human heart is such a mystery.

heart human mystery

↓

- Let's sell these bitches, huh? - Hell, yeah.

bitches sell

↓

- Beer money, huh? - There you go. Yes.

beer money

↓

As the laps wind down, Jamie McMurray is the leader.

jamie laps leader wind

↓

Cal Naughton in second. Ricky Bobby in third.

bobby ricky second third

↓

What's up, Cal? You ready for a little Shake-and-Bake-age?

bake ready shake

↓

- Hey, buddy. - Naughton Jr. Is letting Ricky Bobby...

bobby buddy letting ricky

↓

...draft up to him to make that slingshot move past McMurray.

draft past

↓

Can you believe that he would do that for his teammate?

believe teammate

↓

Set him up that way?

↓

Slingshot, engage.

engage

↓

And there goes Ricky Bobby on the outside!

bobby ricky

↓

That's how we do it.

↓

Makes his move. Naughton's giving him plenty of room.

giving makes plenty room

↓

What in the hell is he doing, guys? Get him off of me.

↓

They touch! They spin!

spin touch

↓

Snap!

snap

↓

Come on, man!

↓

See you, wouldn't wanna be you.

↓

Look at that! Ricky Bobby's gonna try to win the race in reverse.

race reverse ricky

↓

Man, he wants this win bad!

wants

↓

Ricky Bobby wins it in reverse!

bobby reverse ricky wins

↓

Unbelievable! I love that! That is cool!

cool love unbelievable

↓

Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's something to pick your spirits up.

fun jamie pick spirits

↓

It's real nice. I got it at Target. It's on sale.

real sale target

↓

Yeah!

↓

- That's it. Another one. Another one. - All right, man. We did it!

another

↓

I don't wanna be raining on your parade, but I gotta tell you...

parade raining

↓

...that was some of the dumbest driving I have ever seen in my life.

driving dumbest life seen

↓

- Thank you. - And I know you won the race...

race

↓

...but you're not gonna live forever.

forever live live-forever

↓

I'm not stupid, Lucius. No one lives forever. No one.

forever lives lives-forever stupid

↓

But with advances in modern science and my high level of income...

advances income level modern science

↓

...I mean, it's not crazy to think I can't live to be 245, maybe 300.

crazy live

↓

I just read in the newspaper they put a pig heart in some Russian guy.

heart newspaper read russian

↓

Know what...? I mean, do you know what that means?

↓

No, I don't know what that means. I guess, longer life.

life longer

↓

- Well, no, he didn't live. - He didn't live?

live

↓

No. It's just exciting that we're trying things like that.

exciting

↓

- Ricky? - Hey, Mr. Dennit.

ricky

↓

- Cheers. - Yeah.

cheers

↓

- She already wasted? - Celebrating.

celebrating wasted

↓

She's celebrating. You feel pretty good today, huh?

celebrating today

↓

Look, Ricky, early word out of NASCAR...

early ricky word

↓

...is your little obscene gesture's gonna cost you 100 points.

cost points

↓

You know how much that costs us in sponsorship dollars?

costs dollars

↓

With all due respect, Mr. Dennit...

respect

↓

...I had no idea you had experimental surgery to have your balls removed.

balls experimental idea removed surgery

↓

What did you say? What was that?

↓

Well, what? I said, "With all due respect."

respect

↓

That doesn't mean you get to say whatever you wanna say to me.

↓

- It sure as heck does. - No, it doesn't.

heck

↓

It's in the Geneva Convention. Look it up.

convention

↓

I remember your daddy used to love it.

daddy love remember used

↓

- This is not my dad... This is my team... - Used to love it when I used to win.

love team used

↓

Now, I suggest you and your wife, Mrs. Jim Beam...

beam suggest wife

↓

...you guys go take a chill pill. Enjoy the win!

chill enjoy pill

↓

- Come on, man! - Yeah, Ricky. Okay.

ricky

↓

Baby, photo op, photo op. Come on.

baby photo

↓

Come on, number one.

number

↓

Hold my hand, baby.

baby hand

↓

I'll tell you what, though, guys, that was a hell of a race today.

race today

↓

- Shake and Bake in full effect. - It's always been like that.

bake effect full shake

↓

Me and Ricky, since we were little kids, man.

kids ricky

↓

We go together like Chinese food and chocolate pudding. Let's face it.

chinese chinese-food chocolate face food pudding

↓

Yeah, but those are two things that don't really go together.

↓

We go together like cocaine and waffles.

cocaine waffles

↓

No, like, for instance, if I say peanut butter and...

butter instance peanut peanut-butter

↓

- Ladies, right? - Yep.

ladies

↓

- No, jelly. - Am I right?

jelly

↓

- Jelly? - You like to put jelly on a lady?

jelly lady

↓

I'm gonna settle this thing. Let's just get ourselves...

settle

↓

...a whole mess of cocktails, get drunk and work this thing out.

cocktails drunk mess whole whole-mess

↓

- Work this thing out. - That's right.

↓

So I was talking to Nana on Saturday, and her birthday's coming up...

birthdays coming nana saturday

↓

...but I don't know what to get her. She's gonna be 88.

↓

Get her a coffin.

coffin

↓

Hey, Cal, I'm sorry about wrecking you today.

today wrecking

↓

- I mean, but that was for the team. - No, that's cool. That's cool, I know.

cool team

↓

I was thinking, though, one time...

thinking

↓

...it would be really awesome if, like, you could slingshot me in for a win.

awesome

↓

Yeah, but... Okay, but if you won...

↓

...how am I gonna win? - Yeah.

↓

- Think about it. - No, I was thinking about it.

thinking

↓

I mean, it's not like you're finishing 18th.

finishing

↓

- There's nothing wrong with silver. - Nothing wrong with silver at all.

silver

↓

I'm just kidding you, man. I don't wanna win.

kidding

↓

I'll just bury it down inside.

bury

↓

Bury it deep down in there, and never bring it up again.

bring bury deep

↓

It's painful, and I love you!

love painful

↓

Get her a gigolo.

↓

- What? - A guy to have sex with her.

↓

No, she's gonna be 88 and...

↓

You don't stop liking sex when you're old.

liking

↓

Well, I was thinking more along the line of...

along line thinking

↓

- Like, she likes afghans and quilts. - She's probably got a million of those.

likes million

↓

How many dudes does she have coming over to have sex with her?

coming dudes

↓

- None. - Exactly.

↓

Be thoughtful, Glenn.

glenn thoughtful

↓

Don't stop.

↓

What is that?

↓

Someone made a tape of something dying or something.

dying tape

↓

Hey, turn that crap off. What's going on?

↓

I want this music out of my head.

head music

↓

Hey, turn that off!

↓

Turn that off right now!

↓

Why did you stop the jazz music?

jazz jazz-music music

↓

Was it not pleasant for you?

pleasant

↓

No one plays jazz here at The Pit Stop, okay?

jazz plays

↓

So why is the song on the jukebox?

jukebox song

↓

We keep it on there for profiling purposes.

purposes

↓

We also got the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.

boys seal shop

↓

My name is Jean Girard...

jean name

↓

...and I am a racing-car driver just like you...

driver racing

↓

...except I am from Formula Un.

except formula

↓

I am the greatest one in the whole world.

greatest whole whole-world world

↓

I have been following your career with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.

bobby career following interest monsieur

↓

I can't understand a word you've said the whole time.

whole word

↓

Did you eat peanut butter or something?

butter peanut peanut-butter

↓

You sound like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of your mouth.

butter mouth peanut peanut-butter roof sound

↓

I think what you are hearing is my accent.

accent hearing

↓

I am French.

french

↓

You say you're French?

french

↓

We? No, we are not French.

french

↓

We're American, because you're in America, okay?

america american

↓

Greatest country on the planet.

country greatest planet

↓

Well, what have you given the world...

given world

↓

...apart from George Bush, Cheerios, and the ThighMaster?

apart bush george

↓

- Chinese food? - Chinese food.

chinese chinese-food food

↓

That's from China.

china

↓

- Pizza. - Italy.

italy pizza

↓

- Chimichanga. - Mexican.

chimichanga mexican

↓

Really, smarty-pants? What did French land give us?

french land pants smarty

↓

We invented democracy, existentialism...

democracy invented

↓

...and the blowjob.

↓

- Those are three pretty good things. - Hey.

three

↓

Well, that last one's pretty cool.

cool ones

↓

You know, the 69 with the head near the... That bit.

head near

↓

We came up with it.

↓

We created the missionary position.

created missionary position

↓

- You're welcome. - Ricky Bobby...

bobby ricky welcome

↓

...I have come here to defeat you.

defeat

↓

Oh, well, there's strikes two and three right there.

strikes three

↓

Did you hear what he just said?

↓

Well, welcome to America, amigo.

america amigo welcome

↓

You are fast, Ricky Bobby...

bobby fast ricky

↓

...but I am faster.

faster

↓

All right, you let go of me, you Formula One jazz nutjob!

formula jazz

↓

Like the frightened baby chipmunk...

baby frightened

↓

...you are scared by anything that is different.

scared

↓

I will let you go, Ricky...

ricky

↓

...but first I want you to say:

↓

"I love crepes."

crepes love

↓

Don't you say it, Ricky. These colors don't run.

colors ricky

↓

- I'm not gonna say it. - Good.

↓

Hey, look, Frenchy, I thought about it.

frenchy

↓

So why don't you go ahead and break my arm?

ahead break go-ahead

↓

I do not want to break your arm, Monsieur Bobby...

bobby break monsieur

↓

...but I am a man of my word.

word

↓

Here's the deal. He's not gonna break it...

break deal

↓

...because I'm gonna slip out of it right now. Houdini.

slip

↓

Get down, you little pancake.

pancake

↓

Someone get me a beer while I'm here.

beer

↓

But you have forced me to do this.

forced

↓

You are now mocking me and making me look ridiculous.

mocking ridiculous

↓

Just say, "I love crepes."

crepes love

↓

You know, just to put this in there, I had a whole mess of crepes this morning.

crepes mess morning whole whole-mess

↓

They're like pancakes, maybe even better.

pancakes

↓

- Are they the really thin pancakes? - Yeah.

pancakes thin

↓

They are the really thin pancakes. It's just a French word for them.

french pancakes thin word

↓

- My God, I love those. - Put any syrups you want on them.

love

↓

- I'm saying, think about it. - They come with cheese sometimes?

cheese sometimes

↓

Yes, of course, a fromage-crepe.

course crepe

↓

Well, why didn't someone yell that right away?

yell

↓

You know what's in the crepe suzette?

crepe

↓

- Oh, I love the crepe suzette. - With the sugar...

crepe love sugar

↓

...and lemon juice, Grand Marnier. - Sugar and lemon juice.

grand juice lemon sugar

↓

I wish I could crawl into one of those right now.

crawl wish

↓

- I'd eat my way out from the inside. - They are tasty.

tasty

↓

Either way this goes, could we get some after we're done?

↓

- Absolutely. We're gonna do that. - So, what if you just said:

absolutely

↓

"I love really thin pancakes"? That is a fair compromise, no?

compromise fair love pancakes thin

↓

- That is a fair compromise. - Very fair, actually.

compromise fair

↓

No! Because then everyone would know I really meant crepes.

crepes meant

↓

That's a pretty good compromise.

compromise

↓

Why do you want me to break your arm so badly?

badly break

↓

You don't understand because you don't understand liberty.

liberty

↓

You don't understand freedom.

freedom

↓

So you put a crack in my arm like the crack in the Liberty Bell.

bell crack liberty liberty-bell

↓

Hey. This is just between you and me, okay?

↓

I mean, forget all these other guys.

forget

↓

But he did give you a pretty decent out. But it's your call.

decent

↓

What do you think?

↓

- Don't say it. - Yeah. I'm not gonna say it.

↓

Break it, Pepe Le Pew.

break pepe

↓

As you wish.

wish

↓

- He actually did it! - All right. You did it. Back off.

↓

- I didn't say it! - No, you did not.

↓

Your injury is one of ignorance and pride.

injury pride

↓

Hold it right there, Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner.

fancy fancy-pants pants

↓

You just broke my bro's arm.

broke bros

↓

Now you're about to get Tasered.

↓

- Say hello to Dr. Watts. - Get him, Cal.

↓

I need you all to step away...

step

↓

...from my driver.

driver

↓

The hell you talking about, "my driver"? What are you doing with a gun?

driver

↓

Don't you worry about my gun, Ricky.

ricky worry

↓

Jean Girard is my new boy at Dennit Racing. He's here to win us...

jean racing

↓

...an overall-points championship, something you apparently...

apparently championship overall points

↓

...have no interest in. He's gonna usher in a new era.

interest

↓

Mr. Dennit, with all due respect...

respect

↓

And remember, I'm saying, "with all due respect."

remember respect

↓

- That idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.

aint dolphin idea painting velvet whale worth

↓

That's good. That's good fun. That's good fun, Ricky...

fun ricky

↓

...but that doesn't bother me anymore because Jean is the future...

anymore bother future jean

↓

...Ricky, the past.

past ricky

↓

So, Jean, introduce me to your new teammates.

introduce jean

↓

Everybody, this is my husband, Gregory.

everybody gregory husband

↓

What?

↓

See you at the track.

track

↓

Did he just say "husband"?

husband

↓

Sweet Lord. Dennit hired a gay Frenchman as your teammate.

hired lord sweet teammate

↓

The room's starting to spin real fast.

fast real real-fast rooms spin starting

↓

Because of gayness.

↓

- Cal, I love you. - Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!

love ricky

↓

Fans and NASCAR, everyone is talking about this new driver, Jean Girard.

driver fans jean

↓

Let's find out a little bit more about him from our reporter, Davey Wesling.

davey reporter

↓

Talented. Eccentric. Dominating.

eccentric talented

↓

These are the words that define Jean Girard.

define jean words

↓

Before each race, Jean Girard spends time with his world-class horses...

class horses jean race spends world

↓

...who are also gay.

↓

Jean's days are filled with sun-drenched walks...

days filled jeans walks

↓

...with his beloved husband, Gregory.

beloved gregory husband

↓

Though Gregory is no stay-at-home spouse.

gregory home spouse

↓

He's a world-class trainer of German shepherds.

class german shepherds trainer world

↓

Rolfe, the Nazi boyfriend. Up on top!

boyfriend nazi

↓

Very nice. Very nice.

↓

Only time will tell if Jean's foray into NAS CAR...

jeans

↓

...will end up in Victory Lane.

lane victory

↓

Well, kiss my ass on Sunday.

kiss sunday

↓

- Lucius, what the hell is going on? - The man can drive.

drive

↓

And check out his crew chief over there.

check chief crew

↓

Won the Nobel Prize for physics back in '93.

nobel nobel-prize physics prize

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, that is a new track record.

gentlemen ladies record track

↓

As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting on the pole, which is, of course...

course jean pole sitting stands

↓

...a statement of fact and in no way a comment...

comment fact statement

↓

...on the driver's sexual orientation.

drivers orientation sexual

↓

Put a smile on your face? That's the future of Dennit Racing.

face future racing smile

↓

- That make you happy? - I'm just thrilled, Mr. Dennit.

happy thrilled

↓

I love seeing some French guy break my record...

break french love record seeing

↓

...while I got my arm wrapped up like a fricking gordita.

fricking wrapped

↓

Hello, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

↓

What happened last week was very regrettable and unfortunate...

happened unfortunate week

↓

...and, as a gesture, I would like to...

gesture

↓

...sign your cast, please.

cast sign

↓

Hell, you know what, get my car off the trailer, guys.

trailer

↓

Baby! That's my baby!

baby

↓

Hold on, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky, Rick. What are you talking about?

rick ricky

↓

Look. I wanna drive. My arm's fine. So let's get the car off the trailer.

arms drive trailer

↓

Don't look at me. Get it off the trailer!

trailer

↓

Even with a healthy arm, you don't have a chance against Jean Girard.

chance healthy jean

↓

All right, fellas. You heard the man. Get the car off. Let's go.

fellas heard

↓

You guys heard it.

heard

↓

- What's going on? - Soon you will know what it is like...

↓

...to be defeated by the hands of somebody who is truly better than you.

defeated hands somebody truly

↓

As William Blake wrote, "The cut worm forgives the plow."

blake plow william worm wrote

↓

Well, let me just quote the late, great Colonel Sanders...

colonel late quote

↓

...who said, "I'm too drunk to taste this chicken."

chicken drunk taste

↓

What's that got to do with this?

↓

I got a message for all of them. Ready? Shake and Bake!

bake message ready shake

↓

What does that do? Does that blow your mind? That just happened!

blow happened mind

↓

What is that, a catch phrase or is that epilepsy?

catch phrase

↓

- Shake and Bake. Shake and Bake. - What?

bake shake

↓

Listen, you better be careful because tomorrow you're going to get beaten.

beaten careful tomorrow

↓

Beaten real bad, cowboy.

beaten cowboy real

↓

- Really? - Yes!

↓

- I don't want to know. - That's news to me.

news

↓

- Tomorrow you'll be in trouble. - I'll rip you a new one.

tomorrow trouble

↓

There's going to be a croissant I'm going to take away.

↓

I play for keeps!

keeps

↓

I give you one option, Monsieur Bobby.

bobby monsieur option

↓

As a sign of humility, if you kiss me on the lips now...

kiss lips sign

↓

...I will return to Paris and you will never see me again in NASCAR.

paris return

↓

The answer is never!

answer

↓

- I close my... - Do you hear me? Never ever!

close

↓

- Well, yes or no? - That's sick.

sick

↓

Let me tell you, hold on. Shake and Bake.

bake shake

↓

Yeah!

↓

What does that mean? It makes no sense!

makes sense

↓

This "Shake and Bake," it's nonsense.

bake nonsense shake

↓

- Hey, baby. You guys are so smooth. - Thanks, darling.

baby darling smooth thanks

↓

Cal, you could say that 10,000 times and it still wouldn't be enough.

times

↓

- It fires me up. - I love it. Say it one more time.

fires love

↓

- Shake and Bake! - Doesn't that feel good?

bake shake

↓

Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs. It's awesome.

awesome rhymes

↓

NAS CAR on Fox welcomes you to Lowe's Motor Speedway...

motor

↓

...where tonight we'll go 500 miles.

miles tonight

↓

The big stories tonight are at both ends of the grid.

ends grid stories tonight

↓

Up front, Larry, the surprising French Formula One driver, Jean Girard.

driver formula french front jean larry surprising

↓

And at the opposite end of the grid, Darrell, Ricky Bobby.

bobby grid opposite ricky

↓

I saw Ricky Bobby last night walking around with a cast on his arm.

bobby cast night ricky walking

↓

Now, I don't know who he conned into letting him start this race.

conned letting race start

↓

Just keep a camera on him all night long.

camera night

↓

I am so excited.

excited

↓

This is a new era for Dennit Racing, huh?

racing

↓

So serious all the time about your big race team.

race serious team

↓

- Who cares? - But this is my life. This is my life.

cares life

↓

You know what? There's only one good thing about coming to the races...

coming races

↓

...and that is the vibrations from the cars.

cars

↓

Oh, I love when them cars whiz by.

cars love whiz

↓

Can feel the motor...

motor

↓

...running up my legs.

legs running

↓

Ricky Bobby, who never met a sponsor he wouldn't push...

bobby push ricky sponsor

↓

...has a Fig Newton sticker on his windshield.

sticker windshield

↓

Think NAS CAR will black-flag him for that.

black flag

↓

He sold the windshield!

sold windshield

↓

This sticker is dangerous and inconvenient, but I love Fig Newtons.

dangerous love sticker

↓

Ricky Bobby started this race in the back...

bobby race ricky started

↓

...but he's making no friends on the way to the front.

friends front

↓

I'm all about getting to the front tonight, Lucius. Let's go! Let's move it!

front tonight

↓

Well, he's driving like a man possessed.

driving possessed

↓

I'm not even sure he realizes how much damage he's doing to his car.

damage realizes

↓

Hey, Ricky. You know you're driving like a pissed-off teenager, okay?

driving pissed ricky teenager

↓

Where is that Frenchy?

frenchy

↓

I got you, Pepe Le Bitch.

bitch pepe

↓

Oh, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

↓

Hey, it's me, America.

america

↓

Yeah, I'm here.

↓

You have spilled my macchiato.

spilled

↓

Look at Girard in the 55.

↓

He's made that car three lanes wide, but he's still fast.

fast three wide

↓

No, no, no, my friend. This way also closed. Not this way.

closed friend

↓

Lucius, what's he doing? He's everywhere at once.

↓

Guy's dangerous, Ricky. He's like a cobra. Back off!

dangerous ricky

↓

Where's Cal? I need a little support here!

support

↓

Tell Ricky I'm on my way.

ricky

↓

Damn it!

↓

Hey, Ricky, listen.

ricky

↓

Cal blew out his engine. You have no backup. Back off!

backup blew engine

↓

I ain't backing off. I'm Ricky Bobby, I'm the best there is.

aint backing best bobby ricky

↓

He's too good, Ricky. Lay off!

ricky

↓

Bobby's boxed in. There's nowhere to go there.

boxed

↓

He's gonna try the outside move again. I don't know if it's gonna work.

↓

Come on, Daddy!

daddy

↓

Come on, Daddy! Whoop his butt!

butt daddy whoop

↓

Send that weird man back to Indonesia.

send weird

↓

- Come on! - Bobby moves to the outside.

bobby moves

↓

Not a lot of room. He's in the wall!

room wall

↓

Bobby is sliding, slamming into the wall.

bobby slamming sliding wall

↓

He's airborne!

↓

Yep. I'm flying through the air. This is not good.

flying

↓

- Ricky! - Cool!

cool ricky

↓

Ricky!

ricky

↓

Peaches and cream!

cream peaches

↓

The car comes to rest in a big cloud of smoke.

cloud comes rest smoke

↓

Ricky Bobby appears to be okay...

appears bobby ricky

↓

...but that Wonder Bread car is toast.

bread toast wonder

↓

Fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Oh, my God! Ricky!

ricky

↓

Hakuna matata, bitches.

bitches

↓

It's okay, guys, it's just a wreck. Ricky can handle it.

handle ricky wreck

↓

Now, that's one of the nastiest wrecks you'll ever see.

↓

Oh, no, no, no.

↓

It's all right. You're safe.

safe

↓

- You're safe. - We got you. We're here.

safe

↓

I'm on fire.

fire

↓

It's all right. It's all right, you're not on fire!

fire

↓

- You're lying! I'm on fire! - There is no fire.

fire lying

↓

- I'm on fire. I don't wanna die. - Come back here.

fire

↓

But something looks wrong. I mean, he's running around like he's on fire.

fire running

↓

Oh, my God! Help me! I don't wanna die! Stop, drop, and roll!

drop roll

↓

- You're not on fire, Ricky Bobby! - I'm on fire!

bobby fire ricky

↓

You're not on fire.

fire

↓

But I'm not even sure he even knows where he's at right now.

knows

↓

This makes us all realize the kind of pressure these drivers are under.

drivers makes pressure realize

↓

Mr. Bobby, come on down here.

bobby

↓

Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God!

jesus jewish

↓

Help me, Allah!

↓

Help me, Tom Cruise!

cruise

↓

But how did he get down to his underwear that fast?

fast underwear

↓

Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off me!

cruise fire witchcraft

↓

Look. Here, help's coming.

coming helps

↓

- Wait a minute! - It's Cal Naughton.

minute

↓

Oh, God! Please don't let the invisible fire burn my friend!

burn fire friend invisible

↓

I got you! I got you, man! I'll help you!

↓

He's jumping on Ricky, trying to put the nonexistent fire out.

fire jumping ricky

↓

Now, that's a teammate right there.

teammate

↓

This is going downhill fast.

fast

↓

It would be a great time to go to commercial break.

break commercial

↓

Help me, Oprah Winfrey!

oprah

↓

You know, Larry, there's good days in racing, and there's bad days.

days larry racing

↓

Ricky Bobby just had himself a bad day.

bobby ricky

↓

He's suffering from catatonic shock.

shock suffering

↓

His injuries are minor, but right now he can't deal with the trauma of the wreck.

deal injuries minor trauma wreck

↓

Golly, this is a hard decision.

decision golly hard hard-decision

↓

But I have thought about it, and I want the plug pulled.

plug pulled

↓

Yeah.

↓

Ma'am, your husband's not dying.

dying husbands maam

↓

He's just taking a nap.

↓

- Just look at him. - No, I'm not lying.

lying

↓

I've never seen him make that noise. Ever.

noise seen

↓

Got more plugs in him than a Circuit City.

circuit city plugs

↓

Oh, baby. Mama loves you so much.

baby loves mama

↓

Hey, Ricky. It's me, Cal.

ricky

↓

Just want you to know, I got your back, bro. No matter what.

matter

↓

There's something I want to get off my chest...

chest

↓

...and it's about that summer when you went away to community college.

college community community-college summer

↓

I got a offer to do Playgirl magazine...

magazine offer

↓

...and I did it.

↓

I did a full spread for Playgirl magazine.

full magazine spread

↓

I mean spread, man. I pulled my butt apart and stuff...

apart butt pulled spread stuff

↓

...and I was totally nude, and it was weird.

nude weird

↓

You probably didn't hear about it...

↓

...because I went under the name of Mike Honcho.

mike name

↓

But I just wanted you to know that.

wanted

↓

If you could hear me, if it got into your brain somehow...

brain

↓

...that I spread my butt cheeks as Mike Honcho.

butt cheeks mike spread

↓

"Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

margaret

↓

Gretchen, my friend, got her period. I'm so jealous, God.

friend gretchen jealous period

↓

I hate myself for being so jealous, but I am.

hate jealous

↓

I wish you'd help me just a little.

wish

↓

Nancy's sure she's going to get it soon too. And if I'm last..."

↓

Hey, Ricky. Ricky!

ricky

↓

Come on, man, wake up.

wake

↓

Are you faking it?

faking

↓

Are you faking it? Fake it!

fake faking

↓

I don't know how much longer I can take seeing you like this.

longer seeing

↓

I am not gonna let you die here...

↓

...like some kind of vegetable.

vegetable

↓

I'm gonna put an end to this right now.

↓

Get all this crap off you.

↓

You don't need any of this crap.

↓

This is it. This is how it ends.

ends

↓

This is how Shake and Bake ends.

bake ends shake

↓

It's shadow time, buddy.

buddy shadow

↓

It's time to go home to Jesus.

home jesus

↓

Goodbye, buddy.

buddy goodbye

↓

Oh, wow, you definitely...

↓

You definitely still got some fight in you.

fight

↓

Okay, maybe we give this another day.

another

↓

Middle. I'll go up to the middle. Let's play some defense!

defense middle

↓

I just wanna say thanks, doc, for taking care of our boy here.

care thanks

↓

- Oh, shit. - That's a foul! That's a foul!

foul

↓

Doc, give it to me straight.

straight

↓

Is he ever gonna be able to walk again?

able walk

↓

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought someone had told you. He's fine.

↓

He found that wheelchair in the hallway.

found hallway wheelchair

↓

His paralysis is entirely psychosomatic.

entirely paralysis

↓

But we all need to go along with this, because he's in a delicate state.

along delicate state

↓

So when you say psychosomatic, you mean, like...

↓

...he could start a fire with his thoughts?

fire start thoughts

↓

No, not at all. It means it's all in his mind.

mind

↓

I'm saying, sometimes you get a knock on the head, you get special powers.

head knock powers sometimes special

↓

It happens all the time. Read a comic book, okay?

book comic comic-book happens read

↓

Everyone's real friendly.

everyones friendly real real-friendly

↓

It doesn't hurt being Ricky Bobby. I'm not gonna lie to you.

bobby hurt ricky

↓

So how's the physical therapy going?

physical physical-therapy therapy

↓

Oh, I gave that up. Yeah, I gave that up...

↓

...after maybe the first day. Within the first hour, I gave that up.

hour

↓

I'm through lying to myself, you know?

lying

↓

It's time to be mature about this and just face facts.

face facts mature

↓

I bought myself a hundred-thousand-dollar...

bought dollar hundred thousand

↓

...handicap-accessible van...

accessible handicap

↓

...with the captain's chairs and the DVD plasma screens in the back for the kids.

captains chairs kids plasma screens

↓

- You all paid up on that? - Yeah. That's all paid in full.

full paid

↓

It's parked out there. And then the next thing I gotta do...

parked

↓

...is I just gotta have a sit-down with Carley and just let her know...

↓

...that it's okay for her to seek the comfort of other men.

comfort seek

↓

Because she's gotta run wild. You can't keep something like that back.

wild

↓

Hold on, man. Hold...

↓

- We gotta tell him. - Now?

↓

No, I don't care what the doctor said, we gotta tell him now.

care doctor

↓

Ricky, the doctor told us...

doctor ricky

↓

...that we should let you work it out in your own sweet time...

sweet

↓

...but, Ricky, you can walk.

ricky walk

↓

What did you just say?

↓

He's telling you the truth, man. It's all in your head.

head telling truth

↓

You sick sons of bitches!

bitches sick sons

↓

I mean, you walk in that door...

door walk

↓

...on your two legs, all fat and cocky...

cocky legs

↓

...and looking at me in my chair, and you tell me it's all in my head?

chair head looking

↓

I hope that both of you have sons.

hope sons

↓

Handsome, beautiful, articulate sons who are talented and star athletes...

athletes handsome sons star talented

↓

...and they have their legs taken away!

legs taken

↓

I pray you know that pain and that hurt.

hurt pain pray

↓

Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!

bobby evil ricky

↓

Don't you put that on us! You are not paralyzed!

paralyzed

↓

I am so paralyzed!

paralyzed

↓

- No, no, no! No, he needs to know! - Getting a little rough on him.

needs rough

↓

- He's always crying! - Tough love, it is. Tough love.

crying love tough

↓

- Wake up, idiot! - You wanna know what I am?!

idiot wake

↓

You wanna see what my life is?!

life

↓

Don't do it.

↓

- You wanna see what's going on here? - Don't you stick that knife in your leg.

knife stick

↓

- Man! - Hold on, hold on.

↓

- Hold on, now. Walk it off. - Oh, that hurts.

hurts walk

↓

- Oh, my...! - Walk it off.

walk

↓

Stretch, stretch. Stretch it out.

stretch

↓

Hey, man. You can walk! You can walk!

walk

↓

I can walk!

walk

↓

- I think I touched a nerve. - Right there.

nerve touched

↓

All right, we got it, we got it. Hold it right there.

↓

Maybe don't touch it.

touch

↓

- Can you feel it? - I can!

↓

We'll use this knife to pry it out. We'll pull it out.

knife pull

↓

- Now we got two in there. - Just don't think about it.

↓

- We're going down a bad path. - Cut around the meat.

meat path

↓

I'll cut right here. Stretch it out.

stretch

↓

Just take out a plug of meat. Just like a deer.

deer meat plug

↓

We gotta wiggle it a little bit. That's it. Can you feel that?

wiggle

↓

- Yeah, I feel that. - You are back!

↓

I love you guys!

love

↓

Hey, I'm sorry, guys. I mean, I hope your boys don't lose their legs.

boys hope legs lose

↓

- Thanks, buddy. - So when do I get to drive again?

buddy drive thanks

↓

Well, that's the thing. The doctor said you suffered major trauma...

doctor major suffered trauma

↓

...and he thinks you should take it slow for a while.

slow thinks

↓

Yeah, so, I was thinking, like, while you're resting up and stuff...

resting stuff thinking

↓

...maybe you could let me win a few. - Well, there you go.

↓

Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

aint happen

↓

Yeah. I'm Ricky Bobby. I mean, you know how I play it.

bobby ricky

↓

- Yeah. - First or last, right, baby?

baby

↓

- Don't know what I was thinking. - Besides...

besides thinking

↓

...Dennit Jr. Must be freaking out. All the money he's losing?

freaking losing money must

↓

Without me on the track?

track

↓

I mean, I just laugh...

laugh

↓

...thinking about him whining all the time, bitching and moaning:

bitching moaning thinking whining

↓

"Damn, I wish Ricky was here."

ricky wish

↓

You know what I mean?

↓

What?

↓

Frenchy can drive.

drive frenchy

↓

Oh, no.

↓

Very good.

↓

C'est la vie and que sera, sera.

cest sera

↓

It looks like the NASCAR has gone French.

french gone

↓

Well, in other news, Ricky Bobby...

bobby news ricky

↓

...is going to be running some test laps this weekend at Rockingham...

laps running test weekend

↓

...in an attempt to come back from his grisly crash.

attempt crash

↓

It's one of the hardest things to do in racing.

hardest racing

↓

To try to bounce back after a devastating, violent wreck.

bounce devastating violent wreck

↓

Ricky Bobby was traumatized during the incident.

bobby incident ricky traumatized

↓

All right, baby. Come on, now.

baby

↓

But today he gets to strap back into a racecar for the first time since...

strap today

↓

...to try to show he can still get the job done.

↓

- He's gonna be great. Yep. - He's gonna be great, sure.

↓

Would you stop staring at me like that, Susan? I swear...

staring susan swear

↓

...you are the weirdest little girl I've ever seen.

girl seen weirdest

↓

Okay, I'm really gonna open it up!

open

↓

I missed you, Mama Speed. Ricky Bobby's back.

mama missed ricky speed

↓

Wait, how fast is he going?

fast

↓

Twenty-six miles an hour.

hour miles twenty

↓

What were those things? Were those the other cars?

cars

↓

Oh, God. So fast.

fast

↓

Go, baby! There you are.

baby

↓

Am I on fire? I'm on fire.

fire

↓

- No, no, you're not on fire. - Stretch it out.

fire stretch

↓

- It's okay, baby. - Take it easy.

baby easy

↓

- Oh, God, I'm gonna get sick. - Oh, God.

sick

↓

- Oh, he's in his underwear again. - Ricky! Please put your clothes on.

clothes ricky underwear

↓

He's in his underwear again. Go get him, fellas.

fellas underwear

↓

Oh, Lord.

lord

↓

You know who's gonna be number one at Dennit Racing?

number racing

↓

- Not Ricky? - I'm gonna windmill you.

ricky windmill

↓

Mr. Cal Naughton Jr.

↓

- Come back at him. It's the only way. - Who are you?

↓

- Number one. - No.

number

↓

- Oh, yes, ma'am. - Ricky! Come on, man!

maam ricky

↓

It's embarrassing.

embarrassing

↓

The ninjas are trying to get me. The ninjas are trying to get me.

ninjas

↓

- Oh, my God. - What happened?

happened

↓

What happened? He's done. He's done.

happened

↓

That's what's happened. It's over. He's finished.

finished happened

↓

What's gonna happen to me?

happen

↓

I feel like I was riding inside an asteroid or a comet or something.

asteroid riding

↓

Yeah, you were going fast.

fast

↓

- Look at that. - What are we gonna do?

↓

This is ugly. This is bad for all of us. Look at that.

ugly

↓

- I gotta go check on cuckoo bird. - No, cuckoo's okay.

bird check cuckoo

↓

Why don't you get over there and settle down Carley for me?

settle

↓

- Could you do that for me? - Yes, sir.

↓

There you go.

↓

What began as a day of hope and optimism...

began hope

↓

...for Ricky Bobby and his race team has ended here in sad disappointment.

bobby disappointment ended race ricky team

↓

There we go, boy.

↓

- I lost all muscle control. - Yeah, you did.

control lost muscle

↓

- He just lost his muscle control is all. - I lost my muscle control.

control lost muscle

↓

He's fine. He just can't control the muscles.

control muscles

↓

- Thanks for the lift, Hershell. - Yeah, no problem.

lift problem thanks

↓

Jenga!

↓

I love you, Cal.

love

↓

- Good one, kiddo. - What the hell's going on?

hells kiddo

↓

Hey, Ricky, nice of you to stop by for a visit.

ricky visit

↓

What do you mean, a visit? This is my house.

house visit

↓

Baby...

baby

↓

...shoot. I'm so sorry.

shoot

↓

I really... I didn't want it to be this way.

↓

Hey, what happened to the family portrait?

family happened portrait

↓

You just crudely pasted your face over mine.

face

↓

We're getting married, Ricky.

married ricky

↓

And we're getting matching leprechaun tattoos.

leprechaun matching tattoos

↓

Isn't that cute? With a little pot of gold.

cute gold

↓

Is this some kind of joke? You guys putting me on?

joke putting

↓

I was gone three hours. Dennit just fired me from the team.

fired gone hours team three three-hours

↓

Ricky, you and I...

ricky

↓

...we both know that this marriage has been over for a long, long time.

marriage

↓

No! I honestly did not know that!

↓

Ricky, you can't race no more.

race ricky

↓

I'm not going back to being poor and dancing at the Wizard's Den.

dancing poor

↓

You know, my old boyfriend Greg?

boyfriend greg

↓

He still works there and he was crazy.

crazy works

↓

Baby, stop.

baby

↓

Wait. Hold on. Hold on. Just a second. Let me make sure I got this straight.

second straight

↓

Are you asking me for a divorce?

asking divorce

↓

- Yay! Two Christmases! - Yay! Two Christmases!

↓

Cal?

↓

How could you do this to me, man?

↓

Ricky, your marriage was a hollow shell.

hollow marriage ricky shell

↓

It was a cruel charade.

charade cruel

↓

She just gave me the 411 on the whole deal.

deal whole

↓

And you know what else? You never let me win one time.

↓

I thought we had a good thing going. Shake and Bake.

bake shake

↓

You're doing great. You just keep it up. Keep it up.

↓

And Mr. Dennit told me that it's my time now.

↓

- Oh, really? - That Shake and Bake is dead.

bake dead shake

↓

And we just came up with a new nickname.

nickname

↓

- It's so good. It's so good. - I got a new nickname.

nickname

↓

The Magic Man. Now you see me...

magic

↓

...now you don't.

↓

That is the stupidest nickname I've ever heard.

heard nickname stupidest

↓

Is it, Ricky?

ricky

↓

Because I think you wish you thought of it.

wish

↓

All right. You got me. That's an awesome nickname.

awesome nickname

↓

I've always had a lot of great ideas.

ideas

↓

I also think I might design a car that's in the shape of a rabbit.

design might rabbit shape

↓

It might poop out little real rabbits out the back that'll run around the track.

might poop rabbits real thatll track

↓

You have live rabbits being pooped out onto a track?

live pooped rabbits track

↓

If I win, I might do a special thing with David Copperfield...

david might special

↓

...where he hides in my car in the passenger seat...

hides passenger seat

↓

...and he just flings magic stuff out the window.

magic stuff window

↓

Did you run any of this by NASCAR?

↓

Watch the mail for that invitation to the wedding, because I want you there.

invitation mail watch wedding

↓

- What?! - I know it...

↓

...that some bad stuff happened just now, but in time...

happened stuff

↓

The wedding's not for a couple of weeks.

couple weddings weeks

↓

Why would I come to your guys' wedding?

wedding

↓

- You're gonna get over it and be my best man.

best

↓

I'm not gonna be your best man!

best

↓

Baby, he's not gonna come to the wedding.

baby wedding

↓

Cal, do you realize the implications of your actions right now?

actions realize

↓

What's "implication" mean?

implication

↓

We are no longer friends.

friends longer

↓

- Why? - What do you mean, "Why?"

↓

You're wrecking my life!

life wrecking

↓

You just lost your wife. You just lost your job.

lost wife

↓

Don't throw out your best friend because of your anger.

anger best best-friend friend throw

↓

- That's absolutely ridiculous, man. - Ricky...

absolutely ricky ridiculous

↓

...remember, the field mouse is fast, but the owl sees at night.

fast field mouse night remember sees

↓

That's kind of creepy, ain't it?

aint creepy

↓

- Hey, Ricky, I'll call you tomorrow. - Shut up.

ricky tomorrow

↓

- Bye, kids. I'll see you next weekend. - Bye.

kids weekend

↓

Ricky! Boys! Is everything all right?

boys ricky

↓

Mama, we got nowhere to go. Carley and Cal took everything.

mama

↓

Well, you're home now, and you got your mama.

home mama

↓

Get in here, boys. Come on.

boys

↓

Come on. Get in this house.

house

↓

Hey, Ricky. Are you on fire?

fire ricky

↓

- Nice denim shorts, dude. - Hey, shut up, man.

denim shorts

↓

Hump me!

hump

↓

Now, you watch yourself.

watch

↓

Yes, sir. I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again.

happen promise

↓

Hey, sorry, man.

↓

Hey.

↓

I lost my license.

license lost

↓

That's why I'm on the bus. I'm delivering pizzas.

delivering pizzas

↓

Motherfucker, what makes you think I care?

care makes motherfucker

↓

Shut the fuck up!

fuck

↓

I was just telling you that because...

telling

↓

Like I said, I lost my license. I've been having a lot of problems lately.

having lately license lost problems

↓

Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems.

problems

↓

Everybody got problems.

everybody problems

↓

My mama got problems. She just lost her leg.

lost mama problems

↓

My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog threw up somebody's finger.

cousin finger lost somebodys testicle threw

↓

That's a problem.

problem

↓

I really regret opening my mouth and talking to you.

mouth opening regret

↓

- Sorry. Sorry. - Get out of the road!

road

↓

Hey, come on, man. I'm on a bike. Relax.

bike relax

↓

- Hey, shut up! - Idiot!

idiot

↓

It's open.

open

↓

Hugalo's Pizza. We are pizza.

pizza

↓

- You are pizza? - Yeah, we are pizza. I gotta say it.

pizza

↓

Either close the door or come in. I got weed in here, cowboy.

close cowboy door weed

↓

You got three pizzas that haven't been eaten just sitting over there.

eaten pizzas sitting three

↓

I know. I've been calling them all day trying to get you...

calling

↓

...but they keep sending me different delivery people.

delivery sending

↓

Trying to get me? Why?

↓

Because I'm your daddy, that's why.

daddy

↓

- What did you just say? - I said, I'm your daddy.

daddy

↓

I'm Reese Bobby.

bobby reese

↓

Me and your mama did it in a Rustler Steak House bathroom when I was 17.

bathroom house mama steak

↓

And then you showed up.

showed

↓

Hey, son.

↓

- Son! Son, did this go good? - No!

↓

- Seems to me like it went pretty good. - You're not my dad.

seems

↓

- It got a little heated, but... - Stop talking to me!

heated

↓

Hey, is that a Huffy? That's a nice-looking bike, boy.

bike looking

↓

I can't believe it!

believe

↓

I mean, he's been blowing me off for 25 years...

blowing years

↓

...and now he wants to get to know me?

wants

↓

How the hell did he even find me?

↓

I called him.

called

↓

Are you kidding me? Mama, why did you go do that?

kidding mama

↓

Son, you need help.

↓

- I know he's a son of a bitch. - He's scary.

bitch scary

↓

But you're a grown man. You're delivering pizzas on a bike.

bike delivering grown pizzas

↓

How'd you even get hooked up with him in the first place?

hooked howd place

↓

You probably couldn't tell by looking at him now...

looking

↓

...but your daddy used to be a real charmer.

daddy real used

↓

And that night in the ladies' room of the Rustler Steak House, he chose me.

chose house ladies ladies-room night room steak

↓

- In a ladies' room? - Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!

ladies ladies-room room sleep

↓

One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

mouth turds

↓

Hey, stop yelling at me, okay? I'm your dad. You're 7 years old.

years yelling

↓

Don't talk like that.

↓

Hey. Hey there, Lucy.

lucy

↓

How you doing?

↓

Oh, hey there, Ricky. Look, son...

ricky

↓

...I know you don't want me to be here...

↓

...but I saw what happened to you on the television. You saw the fear.

fear happened television

↓

- I can help you with that, son. - Really?

↓

What do you care about me or us? You never even met your grandkids.

care grandkids

↓

- What are you looking at, Popeye? - Shut up, you little pot-licker.

looking popeye

↓

I'll put you in a microwave.

microwave

↓

Now, you show me the DNA test...

test

↓

...and then maybe I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

rats swamp

↓

You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent trying to sleep.

oxygen sleep tent wife

↓

You better shut up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent.

hole tent

↓

Yeah, shut up, Frank!

frank

↓

Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

balls dusty fart shave

↓

Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

grandkids

↓

I know you, son. I know you well.

↓

You're just like me. Talladega's coming up in a couple of weeks...

coming couple weeks

↓

...and I know you wanna win that thing. - No, I don't.

↓

Listen, Ricky.

ricky

↓

I'm 55 years old and all I got to my name is a car...

name years

↓

...and a duffle bag full of underwear, and sweet, stinky weed.

full stinky sweet underwear weed

↓

How much you selling that weed for, old man?

selling weed

↓

I know I screwed up raising you as a boy...

raising screwed

↓

...but just let me help you as a man.

↓

- Do it, Dad. Get your balls back. - Go fast again.

balls fast

↓

Fine. I'll do it.

↓

- But I ain't calling you Daddy. - Well, what you gonna call me?

aint calling daddy

↓

All right, Professor Dickweed. What's the plan?

plan professor

↓

Well, basically, what happened to you is that you saw the fear.

fear happened

↓

So before you can even think about any real driving...

driving real

↓

...you gotta make friends with that fear. So get in the car.

fear friends

↓

What the hell?! There's a goddamn cougar in the car!

cougar goddamn

↓

I know there's a cougar, I put it in there.

cougar

↓

You gotta learn to drive with the fear.

drive fear learn

↓

Ain't nothing more damn frightening than driving with a cougar in the car.

aint cougar driving frightening

↓

- God, where'd you get that thing? - I trapped it.

trapped whered

↓

Been keeping it in my bathroom at the motel, feeding it old pizza.

bathroom feeding keeping motel pizza

↓

- Now get back in that car, you hear me? - No, I'm not getting in that car.

↓

Hey, listen to me. If you're calm, that wondrous big cat will be calm too.

calm

↓

But if you're scared...

scared

↓

...that beautiful death machine will do what God made it to do...

death machine

↓

...namely, eat you with a smile on its face.

face smile

↓

God, he's just following me wherever I go.

following

↓

Well, he's just looking at you.

looking

↓

You're saying if I just calm down, the cougar will be okay?

calm cougar

↓

- You got it. - Damn it. Okay.

↓

Come on, son. You can do it. Come on.

↓

Oh, come on.

↓

That's it.

↓

- And no sudden moves. - Like, is this too fast? Oh, man. See?

fast moves sudden

↓

- That's a little quick. - You see what he did?

quick

↓

You gotta be a little more deliberate in your movement.

movement

↓

I'm just gonna get in there. I'm just gonna grab the handle.

grab handle

↓

I'm gonna get in and drive that car. I'm gonna do it calm.

calm drive

↓

- Calm. Piece of cake. - I was just trying to stay calm.

cake calm piece

↓

- Oh, man! - Sometime today, son.

sometime today

↓

Okay, here we go. I'm getting in.

↓

Oh, God, help me!

↓

- Ricky! Control your heart rate. - Oh, my God!

control heart heart-rate rate ricky

↓

Hey, Mama.

mama

↓

Well, hey there, Ricky. How'd it go?

howd ricky

↓

Well, I was mauled by a cougar...

cougar

↓

...learned nothing about driving, and my Crystal Gayle shirt was ruined.

crystal driving learned ruined shirt

↓

But other than that, it went fine.

↓

Where are the boys at?

boys

↓

I dropped them off at Sunday school at my church about 10 minutes ago.

church dropped minutes school sunday

↓

Anarchy!

anarchy

↓

- Anarchy! Anarchy! - Anarchy!

anarchy

↓

- There they are. - What in tarnation?

↓

- Anarchy! - I don't even know what that means...

anarchy

↓

...but I love it!

love

↓

- What in the hell? - That is it!

↓

That puts the lid right on the jar!

↓

- Mama! Mama! - No, Ricky, no.

mama ricky

↓

I will not have my grandbabies acting like shiftless, wild hobos.

acting wild

↓

All right, now, you boys listen up, and you listen good.

boys

↓

Now, I am declaring Granny Law.

declaring granny

↓

And if you do not obey Granny Law...

granny obey

↓

...I will paint your back porch red.

paint porch

↓

Sorry, Granny, but you're shit out of luck.

granny luck

↓

We make the rules, not you.

rules

↓

Hey!

↓

You're gonna break us like wild horses, ain't you?

aint break horses wild

↓

It's the beginning of a new age.

beginning

↓

Hey, Derek, it's Ricky.

derek ricky

↓

Just wondering if you can ditch school...

ditch school wondering

↓

...and take over my shift at the pizza place...

pizza place shift

↓

...because I got strep throat.

throat

↓

And it's bad. I don't wanna give it to everyone else.

↓

So call me back. You know the number.

number

↓

Hello.

↓

Hey, man. How's it going? You wanna come over and party?

party

↓

Did you just say "party"?

party

↓

You know what? No. Because I still hate you, okay?

hate

↓

- What are you so mad about? - What do you think I'm mad about?

↓

Come on, man, that was last week.

week

↓

What about the time you ran over my leg with a car?

↓

- I let that go that day. - Yeah, I remember.

remember

↓

Wind is kicking up.

kicking wind

↓

Are you in the hot tub?

↓

Answer me this: When you're in spa mode...

answer mode

↓

...how come the water level drops in the spa?

drops level water

↓

Are you pressing the buttons in the back panel or in the kitchen?

buttons kitchen panel pressing

↓

- I just started pressing stuff. - Hey, don't press all those buttons.

buttons press pressing started stuff

↓

I'm getting bored. You wanna come over and play G.I. Joes?

bored joes

↓

I would love to. No!

love

↓

Come on. You know what? Screw you, man.

screw

↓

Ricky, man, you gotta cross over the anger bridge.

anger bridge cross ricky

↓

Come back to the friendship shore.

friendship shore

↓

- "Cross over the anger bridge"? - Yeah, that's where you're at.

anger bridge cross

↓

You're stuck on an anger bridge.

anger bridge stuck

↓

Can you not see why I'm stuck on the anger bridge?

anger bridge stuck

↓

Look, I don't know why I'm talking to you, okay? What is it?

↓

They got bottomless nachos at Bennigan's.

nachos

↓

God, a whole mess of nachos sounds good right now.

mess nachos sounds whole whole-mess

↓

I don't have a car no more. Can you come get me?

↓

I'll get you. Which one of your cars do you miss the most? I'll bring that one.

bring cars miss

↓

- I miss the Hummer. - I'm coming in the Hummer.

coming miss

↓

- Are you ready? - Yeah. No, wait.

ready

↓

Okay. Our friendship is done. All right?

friendship

↓

- You hear? - You wanna hang out in your house.

hang house

↓

- Come on. - Screw you, dude. I'm hanging up.

hanging screw

↓

Okay, that's it. Bye.

↓

Oh, man, this is absolutely crazy. I mean, this is borderline reckless.

absolutely borderline crazy reckless

↓

Don't you get it? You don't drive with your eyes, you drive with your heart.

drive eyes heart

↓

This is just dumb. I can't see a thing.

dumb

↓

You gotta feel the road. You gotta let it live inside you.

live road

↓

- Are you feeling anything now? - I'm feeling a little bit.

feeling

↓

What do you feel? Tell me what you're feeling.

feeling

↓

I'm feeling the worn wood of the steering wheel.

feeling steering steering-wheel wheel wood worn

↓

- Yeah. What else? - A little bit of heat.

heat

↓

That's you and the car melded together.

↓

Yeah, now I'm really feeling it. I feel like the car could drive itself.

drive feeling

↓

I bet it could. Start her up.

start

↓

I'm gonna start this car up.

start

↓

Attaboy. All right, son.

attaboy

↓

Drive.

drive

↓

I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.

embarrassed

↓

You know what? We better hightail it out of here. Frank's gonna be pissed.

franks pissed

↓

All right.

↓

No, no, Ricky. No blindfold.

blindfold ricky

↓

Get this highway clean, come on.

clean highway

↓

I gotta tell you, Granny, this blows.

blows granny

↓

- How much more of this? - I don't know.

↓

How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio in the bathtub?

bathtub radio times toss

↓

- Hello? - Hey, man. You up?

↓

- No. - Wake up. I need to talk to you.

wake

↓

I think your house is haunted.

haunted house

↓

Hey, come on. It's 2:30 in the morning.

morning

↓

I can't sleep in here, man. I'm scared.

scared sleep

↓

Look, there's nothing to be scared of. It's a new house...

house scared

↓

...there's a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it.

creaks groans moans

↓

- Put on... You got your TV on? - Well, yeah, I fell asleep with it on.

asleep fell fell-asleep

↓

- Turn on channel 42. - Forty-two?

channel forty

↓

- Look at them buns. - Well, that is a set of buns.

buns

↓

And down, and down, and...

↓

What's she doing exercising at 2:30 in the morning?

morning

↓

Oh, yeah, that's a really good point.

point

↓

I don't know why I'm talking to you. Do you remember that I hate you?

hate remember

↓

Hey, man, you know what I was thinking?

thinking

↓

- You're lucky. - I'm lucky?

lucky

↓

- How so? - Well, check it out.

check

↓

I'm sitting here in this enormous haunted mansion, can't sleep.

enormous haunted mansion sitting sleep

↓

You're hanging out at your mom's. That's awesome.

awesome hanging moms

↓

- That's, like, the opposite of awesome. - Well, this is like a hotel room...

awesome hotel hotel-room opposite room

↓

...with someone else's junk in it.

elses junk

↓

Okay, yeah, well, that someone else's junk, that used to be my stuff.

elses junk stuff used

↓

I'm just having a hard time, man. I'm just calling up for some support.

calling hard having support

↓

Do you...? Do you know how crazy that sounds?

crazy sounds

↓

- Hey, one more thing. - Yeah?

↓

When you have the stereo on at the same time as the TV...

stereo

↓

...how do you control the volume on the TV?

control volume

↓

Why do you want to listen to the TV with the stereo on?

stereo

↓

Because I like to party.

party

↓

Why am I still talking to you?

↓

Come on. We were doing good there, man.

↓

I'm taking care of your house good.

care house

↓

I keep snapping back into it. It's like a trick you're pulling on me.

pulling snapping trick

↓

- All right. I'll talk to you tomorrow. - All right, man. Talk to you tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

Shit.

↓

Get out.

↓

Where did stock-car racing come from?

racing stock

↓

What?

↓

- Hey, stop doing that. - How did stock-car racing get its start?

racing start stock

↓

Bootleggers in Prohibition had to have cars fast enough to outrun the Feds...

cars fast outrun

↓

...then they started racing each other. - That's right.

racing started

↓

If I was right, why'd you throw another bucket on me?

another bucket throw whyd

↓

I filled up three. Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail.

avoid driving filled jail three

↓

Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity.

instincts mind

↓

So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue.

blue boys called cocaine taped underneath

↓

Now, the way I figure it, you got about two minutes...

figure minutes

↓

...before they show up and you do five to 10.

five

↓

So, what's it gonna be? Fear or prison?

fear prison

↓

- What the hell are you talking about? - Real simple, son.

real simple

↓

Cops are coming.

coming cops

↓

There's a kilo of Colombian bam-bam under the car. Time to be a man.

↓

- You got hair on your peaches or what? - You're not kidding, are you? Man.

hair kidding peaches

↓

You crazy creep!

crazy creep

↓

Come on, son. What's it gonna be?

↓

Speed or jail?

jail speed

↓

Grandpa, would you like to take us fishing...

fishing grandpa

↓

...and tell us life lessons and stories about your childhood?

childhood lessons life stories

↓

I got a better idea.

idea

↓

Why don't you boys go dig a hole and I'll get another beer?

another another-beer beer boys hole

↓

Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?

love

↓

Good call. Here, that's worth a nickel.

nickel worth

↓

Tragic.

tragic

↓

Son of a bitch, son of a bitch, son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

Oh, man. Oh, man!

↓

One-sixteen. One-sixteen!

sixteen

↓

I'm going fast again!

fast

↓

Pull over! Pull over!

pull

↓

Pull over? I'll pull over for you. How about this?

pull

↓

Where are you?

↓

Gotcha.

gotcha

↓

"Feels good going fast, doesn't it?

fast feels

↓

By the way, don't try and snort these Lucky Charms. Reese."

charms lucky reese

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay.

↓

There you go, little man.

↓

Hey, Ricky!

ricky

↓

How you doing?

↓

- Oh, Nana, not my prison shank. - In the can.

nana prison shank

↓

There's your mother-flipping driving test.

driving flipping mother test

↓

Mr. Bobby, you are magnificent.

bobby magnificent

↓

Down, Karen! Get down! Get down, Karen!

karen

↓

It's all right. It's gonna be okay.

↓

Well, son, you are looking good behind that wheel.

behind looking wheel

↓

Thanks, Daddy. I gotta tell you, I feel good. Heck, you know what?

daddy heck thanks

↓

Let's go out tonight, you know, the whole family.

family tonight whole whole-family

↓

I'm talking about sitting down, enjoying a gourmet meal...

enjoying meal sitting

↓

...at a place that's real special.

place real special

↓

- Hi. Those plates are hot. Enjoy. - You got your own skillet.

enjoy plates

↓

- Be back to check on you in a minute. - Thank you.

check minute

↓

Oh, gooder than grits.

↓

Let us pray.

pray

↓

Dear Lord baby Jesus...

baby dear dear-lord jesus lord

↓

...lying there in your little ghost manger...

ghost lying

↓

...just looking at your Baby Einstein developmental videos...

baby einstein looking videos

↓

...learning about shapes and colors and...

colors learning shapes

↓

We just have so much to be thankful for.

thankful

↓

First off, my sons no longer act...

longer sons

↓

...like retarded gangbangers. - Amen.

amen retarded

↓

Also, I got my balls back behind the wheel of a car.

balls behind wheel

↓

And most importantly, we thank you...

importantly

↓

...for bringing back our nasty, delinquent, pot-dealing daddy to us.

bringing daddy dealing nasty

↓

For he was lost, but now he is found. Amen.

amen found lost

↓

- Amen. - Amen.

amen

↓

Son, that was lovely.

lovely

↓

- What a lovely meal. - It sure is.

lovely meal

↓

It certainly does look delicious.

certainly delicious

↓

I gotta tell you, this is about a damn perfect evening right now.

evening perfect

↓

It is, isn't it?

↓

You know what we should do?

↓

Every week, we should come back to this Applebee's...

applebees week

↓

...and sit at this table, and have a family meal.

family meal table

↓

- That's a great idea, Mama. - And order the same stuff.

idea mama order stuff

↓

- That would be great. - And I would be delighted, Reese...

delighted reese

↓

...if you would accompany me to ballroom dancing on Tuesday nights.

dancing nights tuesday

↓

- Tuesday night? - It's a lot of fun.

fun night tuesday

↓

- I think you'd have a good time. - How's everybody doing here?

everybody

↓

- Dolly, it's so good. - Oh, it's really, really good.

↓

You know, I just... I hate to be a pain, darling...

darling hate pain

↓

...but I asked for no onions on my Bourbon Steak.

asked bourbon onions steak

↓

I am so sorry. I thought you asked for onions...

asked onions

↓

Okay, okay, maybe don't interrupt me.

interrupt

↓

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. - Yeah, well, I think you did mean to...

↓

...and I also think that you meant to put the damn onions on my steak.

meant onions steak

↓

- Okay, Reese. - Grandfather...

grandfather reese

↓

...can't we resolve this conflict without anger?

anger conflict resolve

↓

- I'm a veteran and a diabetic! - Dad!

diabetic veteran

↓

- Dad! Why are you doing this? - Applebee's has rats!

applebees rats

↓

I found a whole rat in my Cobb salad!

cobb found salad whole

↓

Dad, where are you going?

↓

Come on, frat boy, you wanna go?

frat

↓

- What's going on, man? - Ricky, let him go!

ricky

↓

- Things were going good, weren't they? - That's exactly why I had to blow it up.

blow

↓

I don't know what organ or bone people have...

bone organ

↓

...that makes them act right, but I was born without it. I'm no good.

born makes

↓

All those races I won, that was for you, you know that?

races

↓

I did just like you told me: "If you ain't first, you're last."

aint

↓

What the hell are you talking about?

↓

What you told me that day at school for career day.

career school

↓

You came in and you said, "If you ain't first, you're last."

aint

↓

Oh, hell, Ricky, I was high when I said that.

ricky

↓

That doesn't make any sense at all.

sense

↓

"You're first or last." You can be second, you can be third, fourth.

fourth second third

↓

Hell, you can even be fifth.

fifth

↓

What are you talking about? I lived my whole life based on that.

based life lived whole whole-life

↓

Well, now what the hell am I supposed to do?

supposed

↓

Well, that's the million-dollar question, isn't it?

dollar million question

↓

Good luck to you, son.

luck

↓

Hey, Dad!

↓

Where are you going?

↓

Does it matter?

matter

↓

Here we go.

↓

Hey, don't bump me.

bump

↓

Oh, man, I'm flying.

flying

↓

Game over. Come on, reset.

game reset

↓

Boy, you are a terrible driver, no?

driver

↓

How'd you get on a video game so fast?

fast game howd video video-game

↓

Is your name, by chance, Ricky Bobby?

bobby chance name ricky

↓

Hey, screw you, man! I got nothing because of you!

screw

↓

- I hate you! - Hey, Ricky.

hate ricky

↓

I am on fire. I am on fire.

fire

↓

Susan?

susan

↓

And so then I got a marketing job with NASCAR.

marketing

↓

- Really? - Yeah, it's great. It's great.

↓

Well, gosh, you look fantastic.

fantastic gosh

↓

- Thank you. - I mean, you've always looked good.

looked

↓

I mean, I'm just... I'm happy for you.

happy

↓

Thank you.

↓

But what about you?

↓

How have you been? What have you been doing?

↓

Well, they want me to race at Talladega next weekend, but I'm not gonna do it.

race weekend

↓

Because I'm done. I'm done with the racing, with driving.

driving racing

↓

- Why would you do that? - Because I've really moved on.

moved

↓

I've sent in my application to The Real World...

application real real-world sent world

↓

...so I'm hoping to hear back.

hoping

↓

I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket.

basket eggs putting

↓

I'm also thinking about getting a gun and dealing crack.

crack dealing thinking

↓

Being a crack dealer, but not like a mean crack dealer, but like a...

crack dealer

↓

You know, like a nice one.

↓

Just kind of friendly, like, "Hey...

friendly

↓

...what's up, guys? You want some crack?"

crack

↓

I'm just waiting on those two things to kind of flesh themselves out.

flesh waiting

↓

You know what, Ricky?

ricky

↓

I have kept my mouth shut for a really, really long time.

mouth

↓

And I just don't think that I can keep it shut anymore.

anymore

↓

I just have to tell you that I think you are making a big mistake.

mistake

↓

- Really? - Yes.

↓

Why is it that you always fall for people who leave you?

fall

↓

Have you noticed that?

noticed

↓

Like Carley and your dad and your sponsors.

sponsors

↓

And you always have to prove yourself. Wh...?

prove

↓

Well, you gotta listen to me here, okay?

↓

You gotta win to get love. Everyone knows that.

knows love

↓

I mean, that's just life.

life

↓

Look at Don Shula, legendary coach.

coach legendary

↓

Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record...

asian holds record world world-record

↓

...for eating all those hot dogs in a row.

dogs eating

↓

Look at Rue McClanahan from The Golden Girls.

girls golden

↓

All three people, all great champions, all loved.

champions loved three

↓

Do you wanna know why I think that you should race again?

race

↓

Sure. Why?

↓

Okay. It's because it's what you love, Ricky.

love ricky

↓

It is who you were born to be.

born

↓

And here you sit, thinking.

thinking

↓

Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver.

bobby driver ricky thinker

↓

He is a doer. And that's what you need to do.

↓

You don't need to think, you need to drive.

drive

↓

You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine.

engine speed

↓

You need to fire it up.

fire

↓

You need to grab hold of the line between speed and chaos...

chaos grab line speed

↓

...and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra.

demon ground wrestle

↓

And then, when that fear rises up in your belly, you use it...

belly fear rises

↓

...and you know that fear is powerful because it has been there...

fear powerful

↓

...for billions of years! And it is good, and you use it, and you ride it.

billions ride years

↓

You ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell...

gates horse ride skeleton

↓

...and then you win! You win!

↓

You don't win for anybody else, you win for you. You know why?

anybody

↓

Because a man takes what he wants, he takes it all.

takes wants

↓

And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?

↓

Susan, I've never heard you talk like that.

heard susan

↓

Are we about to get it on?

↓

Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

diamond hard storm

↓

- This is awesome. - Yes, it is.

awesome

↓

- Are you climbing on the table now? - Yes, sir.

climbing table

↓

I can't believe this.

believe

↓

This is like that Whitesnake video where the girl crawls on...

crawls girl video

↓

Yeah. Just like that. What's her name?

name

↓

Tawny Kitaen. She's really good.

↓

- She's great. - She's fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Everyone, turn away.

↓

Things are gonna get crazy. We're gonna make animal noises.

animal crazy noises

↓

- Looks good, damn good. - Yeah. That's good, guys.

↓

Yeah, Ricky, it's good to be back.

ricky

↓

- Talladega. - Talladega.

↓

I missed you dudes.

dudes missed

↓

Even you too, Glenn.

glenn

↓

I didn't have a whole lot of money left, but what I did I put into the car.

left money whole

↓

We got some lower-end sponsors, so it's nothing to shout about...

lower shout sponsors

↓

...but at least we got something to run in.

least

↓

Let's see what we got, guys.

↓

What are we looking at? "Julio's thongs for men"?

looking

↓

Come on, what kind of dude wears a thong?

thong wears

↓

Yeah, that's messed up.

messed

↓

Perverts, you know?

↓

It's not the best car, but it'll move.

best itll

↓

Hold on, now, baby. Let's just see what this thing's got under the hood.

baby hood

↓

- There she is. - Looks like the Pep Boys threw up.

boys threw

↓

- Damn. - Like I said, work in progress.

progress

↓

All right, I tell you what we gotta do. Since we got no corporate money...

corporate money

↓

...we have to build this engine ourselves.

build engine

↓

I want you to hit up every independent driver out there for spare parts.

driver independent parts spare

↓

Yeah, Lucius, that's crazy.

crazy

↓

Well, crazy is all we got right now, okay? So do it.

crazy

↓

Now, where you going?

↓

I wanna tell Gerard Depardieu we're coming for him.

coming

↓

There you go, baby. Give him hell.

baby

↓

Get this engine built. Get it built.

built engine

↓

I have not finished.

finished

↓

Monsieur Girard, Ricky Bobby is here to see you.

bobby monsieur ricky

↓

This is the one I was talking about, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

↓

Thank you, Bacco. Go.

↓

You're a tough man to find. You know that, buster?

buster tough

↓

I prefer solitude the day before a race.

prefer race

↓

I am being so incredibly rude, Monsieur Bobby.

bobby incredibly monsieur rude

↓

Let me introduce you to my lunch guests.

guests introduce lunch

↓

This is my dear old friend Elvis Costello.

dear elvis friend

↓

Delightful to meet you, Mr. Robert. I thought you were dead.

dead delightful meet robert

↓

And next to him is hip-hop artist, poet and my brother-in-law, Mos Def.

artist brother poet

↓

I like your driving style. I'm more of a Tony Stewart man...

driving stewart style tony

↓

...number 20 car, myself.

number

↓

How he gets into those straightaways.

↓

Gets it in the paint. Get her done!

paint

↓

And across from Monsieur Def...

monsieur

↓

...is Breeze.

breeze

↓

Hey. You're Breeze or you're Breeze? Which one of you is Breeze?

breeze

↓

Together we are Breeze.

breeze

↓

They are like twins, born from different wombs.

born twins

↓

- Right. - They are God's most...

gods

↓

...beautiful mistake.

mistake

↓

They do everything together. Everything.

↓

They read the same books.

books read

↓

They do Pilates together.

↓

They walk, talk, sleep...

sleep walk

↓

...even go make toilet.

toilet

↓

Okay, you're starting to creep me out, man.

creep starting

↓

A single plop.

plop single

↓

One single plop.

plop single

↓

I don't need to hear about doing a toilet.

toilet

↓

You want more examples?

examples

↓

- No, you listed like 8000. - Less than that.

less listed

↓

- It's none of my business. - More like...

business

↓

...I don't know, between five and 10.

five

↓

Look, I need to talk to you.

↓

Walk with me, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky walk

↓

- You have a good lunch. - Take care, man.

care lunch

↓

- Goodbye, Ricky. - Goodbye.

goodbye ricky

↓

Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.

hands holding holding-hands makes terribly uncomfortable

↓

It is a sign of friendship in many countries.

countries friendship sign

↓

Well, not in ours.

↓

There's nothing sexual about it.

sexual

↓

Please don't be worried at the fact I have an erection.

erection fact worried

↓

- It has nothing to do with you. - Hey, come on.

↓

Look. Here's the deal. I came here to tell you one thing.

deal

↓

All right? Tomorrow, I'm coming for you.

coming tomorrow

↓

Do you know why I came to America, Ricky Bobby?

america bobby ricky

↓

Public schools, health-care system, giant water parks.

care giant health parks public public-schools schools system water

↓

I mean, the same reason anyone comes to America.

america comes reason

↓

I came here for you to beat me.

beat

↓

- What the hell are you talking about? - My husband, Gregory, and I...

gregory husband

↓

...wish only for that which every other couple wishes for:

couple wish wishes

↓

To tame Komodo dragons in Sri Lanka...

dragons lanka

↓

...and teach them to perform Hamlet.

hamlet perform teach

↓

But before I can do that...

↓

- That's dumb. - It's not dumb.

dumb

↓

- It is dumb. - Why is it dumb?

dumb

↓

- I don't know. - But before I can do that...

↓

...I must be beaten by a driver who's truly better than me.

beaten driver must truly

↓

So you're gonna lose to me on purpose?

lose purpose

↓

- No. - No?

↓

No!

↓

I will battle you with the entirety of my heart.

battle entirety heart

↓

And you will probably lose.

lose

↓

But maybe, just maybe...

↓

...you might challenge me.

challenge might

↓

God needs the devil.

devil needs

↓

The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones.

needed rolling rolling-stones stones

↓

Even Diane Sawyer needed Katie Couric.

katie needed

↓

Will you be my Katie Couric?

katie

↓

I feel like I'm in Highlander.

↓

What's the Highlander?

↓

It's a movie.

movie

↓

- Any good? - Very good.

↓

- It won the Academy Award. - Oh, for what?

academy award

↓

For best movie ever made.

best movie

↓

I just want you to know I came here today to tell you one thing.

today

↓

That come race time tomorrow, I'm coming for you, all right?

coming race tomorrow

↓

- May God be with you. - Yeah.

↓

Because although today I am friendly...

friendly today

↓

...tomorrow will be war!

tomorrow

↓

All right.

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, pull up a chair, drop the kids off with their aunt...

aunt chair drop gentlemen kids ladies pull

↓

...and take the phone off the hook because it's race day here...

hook phone race

↓

...at the Talladega Superspeedway.

↓

Hey, guys.

↓

- Why so down? - Ricky...

ricky

↓

...we were up all night working on the car.

night working

↓

And then something happened. There was a fire.

fire happened

↓

Did you say "fire"?

fire

↓

Glenn is dead, Ricky.

dead glenn ricky

↓

I mean, he died last night in my arms...

arms died night

↓

...as I held him. - Oh, man.

held

↓

He was so scared, because you know how little he is.

scared

↓

And death was coming for him, and he stood there...

coming death stood

↓

...and with a tear coming out his eyes, he said, "Tell Ricky, win for me."

coming eyes ricky tear

↓

That's all that little bastard wanted, was for you to win.

bastard wanted

↓

I wish you could've seen him.

couldve seen wish

↓

I wish you could've felt his little heart fluttering.

couldve heart wish

↓

Sweet Jesus.

jesus sweet sweet-jesus

↓

Poor Glenn.

glenn poor

↓

Hey, what the hell, man. Hey, Glenn. Glenn!

glenn

↓

- I see you. - Glenn, what did I say?

glenn

↓

- I said, "Wait till after the race." - Was he crying?

crying race till

↓

I'm sorry, Ricky. We were just trying to give you a little extra motivation.

extra motivation ricky

↓

Well, that is just sick, guys.

sick

↓

It's okay, Susie. I appreciate it, guys.

appreciate

↓

Just trying to help out...

↓

...even though it was weird and perverse.

weird

↓

They're just trying to help, Ricky. We're a team here.

ricky team

↓

- I appreciate it. - Let's see what's under the hood.

appreciate hood

↓

All right, let's have a look.

↓

Hot dog. I mean, that's like looking up Bridgette Wilson-Sampras' skirt.

looking skirt wilson

↓

We were up all night working on it. Like I said, a lot of teams gave parts.

night parts teams working

↓

Nice work, guys.

↓

And your sponsors weren't doing very much, so...

sponsors

↓

...well, we repainted the car.

↓

Well, take a look. Come on, guys.

↓

Well, I like the cougar, but what company is "M.E."?

company cougar

↓

"Me" is you...

↓

...because it's just you out there.

↓

We don't have any corporate sponsors.

corporate sponsors

↓

We don't have any fancy team owners.

fancy owners team

↓

We have you...

↓

...and this car, and this cougar...

cougar

↓

...which symbolizes the fear that you have overcome.

fear overcome

↓

It's all there for you.

↓

Ricky, this car is like your Excalibur, the mighty sword King Arthur used...

arthur king king-arthur mighty ricky sword used

↓

...to bring together the Knights of the Round Table...

bring knights round round-table table

↓

...until Lancelot betrayed him by laying with his queen, in the biblical sense.

betrayed lancelot laying queen sense

↓

Okay, Glenn.

glenn

↓

Everything cool that Susan said, you wrecked it.

cool susan wrecked

↓

Guys, let's go win ourselves a race, all right?

race

↓

- There you go. Yeah! - Right?

↓

Let's get out there and win a race.

race

↓

From Provence, France...

france

↓

...driver of the number 55 Perrier car...

driver number

↓

...Jean Girard.

jean

↓

From West River, North Carolina...

carolina north river west

↓

...driver of the number 47 Old Spice car...

driver number spice

↓

...Cal Naughton Jr.

↓

Hey, Carley.

↓

- Hey, Ricky. - Carley! Hey, baby.

baby ricky

↓

Baby.

baby

↓

Oh, hey, Ricky.

ricky

↓

Hey, man. We missed you at the wedding.

missed wedding

↓

- You missed me at the wedding? - Oh, man, it was so classy.

classy missed wedding

↓

We had a Styx cover band and a nacho fountain.

band cover fountain

↓

Check it, it was a nacho fountain with six kinds of cheese on it.

check cheese fountain kinds

↓

- Liquid cheese? It cascaded down? - Yeah.

cheese liquid

↓

- Are you serious? - Amazing. Six different kinds.

amazing kinds serious

↓

Swiss, Havarti. What was the other one?

swiss

↓

- Gouda. - Cheddar, Gouda.

cheddar

↓

That's the greatest thing I ever heard of.

greatest heard

↓

Bean buffet in front of it. It was awesome.

awesome bean buffet front

↓

Don't listen to him. And remember one thing, he's the competition.

competition remember

↓

You're not very focused right now. I need you to focus.

focus focused

↓

- Hey. - What?

↓

- I'm the Magic Man now. Okay? - Yeah, I know.

magic

↓

So get ready for some tricks up these sleeves, all right?

ready sleeves tricks

↓

Watch your buns, pal.

buns watch

↓

Baby, that is real good talk. Like we practiced last night.

baby night practiced real

↓

I got something to tell you, you mangy piece of trash.

piece trash

↓

- What? - I'm sorry.

↓

I took you for granted, Cal, and you were a really good friend to me...

friend granted

↓

...and I never gave you your due. It was my fault.

fault

↓

I'll tell you the truth. I'm a little confused by your tactics.

confused truth

↓

- Tactics? - Yeah. I'm gonna keep acting tough...

acting tough

↓

...until I figure it out. All right?

figure

↓

See you on the track.

track

↓

- Come on, baby. - I love you.

baby love

↓

I love you too. Come on.

love

↓

Abracadabra, homes.

homes

↓

Hi, Bill Weber, along with Wally Dallenbach and Benny Parsons.

along bill wally

↓

Thanks for having us. Today, Talladega, NASCAR's biggest track...

biggest having thanks today track

↓

...where the big concern is the big wreck.

concern wreck

↓

And it's not if it happens, it's where and when.

happens

↓

We have a guy in the race today that'll probably cause it, Ricky Bobby.

bobby race ricky thatll today

↓

Starting in the rear of the field, underfunded...

field rear starting

↓

...and the last time we saw him, he caused a big crash.

caused crash

↓

A lot of big stories and some big questions here at Talladega.

questions stories

↓

All right, go get them.

↓

You must decide, Ricky Bobby.

bobby decide must ricky

↓

Is it foolish pride, or is it greatness for you?

foolish greatness pride

↓

- Hey, Jarvis! - Go ahead, Cal.

ahead go-ahead

↓

If you slept with your best friend's wife...

best best-friends friends slept wife

↓

...why would he apologize to you? - Yeah, I know. That's weird.

apologize weird

↓

That's what I'm saying. My head's all tied up like a pretzel.

heads pretzel tied

↓

I got a pretzel in my head.

head pretzel

↓

- Ricky! - Come on, Dad!

ricky

↓

I've got some big investors coming by.

coming investors

↓

These guys are big-money power players.

money players power

↓

If things go right, they could have us owning half the cars in NASCAR.

cars half owning

↓

So I want you... No, I want you to behave.

behave

↓

- Oh, really? - Quiet.

quiet

↓

Should I not tell them after 14 years of marriage...

marriage years

↓

...you're still afraid to let me see you naked?

afraid naked

↓

That's not a fear thing, it's a trust thing.

fear trust

↓

Hey! I was wondering where you guys got off to.

wondering

↓

Baby, this is Ted Beamen from Halliburton.

baby

↓

- Nice to meet you. - Over here...

meet

↓

...is Dick Tangfield from Dynacorp.

dick

↓

- Back there is... - You have beautiful teeth.

teeth

↓

Yes, he does. Get yourselves down there.

yourselves

↓

- Adorable. - Make yourselves at home...

adorable home yourselves

↓

...grab something to eat, over here... - Sweetheart, sweetheart.

grab sweetheart

↓

You're a sweetie pie.

sweetie

↓

She's very affectionate. She suffered a recent loss...

loss recent suffered

↓

You taste good too.

taste

↓

- So she's a little emotional.

emotional

↓

Okay, that's fine. Go ahead, find a seat. Can we get these guys something?

ahead go-ahead seat

↓

Jean Girard started from the pole and is out to a big lead.

jean lead pole started

↓

As you know, Bill, he's been doing that all year.

bill

↓

Where are you, Ricky Bobby? Come face your destroyer!

bobby destroyer face ricky

↓

"Come face your destroyer"? Listen to how I sound.

destroyer face sound

↓

I sound like a massive prick.

massive prick sound

↓

Come on, baby! Yeah, that's it.

baby

↓

All right, Lucius. Time to let the cougar loose.

cougar loose

↓

Here we go, boys.

boys

↓

Ricky Bobby, in the 62 car, on the move.

bobby ricky

↓

He's gone from 26th to 18th place.

gone place

↓

Now let's go to John Hannafin, in the stands with a country-music legend.

country john legend music stands

↓

Thank you, Sean. I'm here with one of the greatest country-music stars...

country greatest music sean stars

↓

...of all time, Kenny Rogers.

kenny rogers

↓

- What do you think of the race so far? - It's good. They're going really fast.

fast race

↓

John, that's not Kenny Rogers.

john kenny rogers

↓

In the song "The Gambler," you sang:

gambler sang song

↓

"You gotta know when to walk away and know when to run."

walk

↓

Should Ricky Bobby have stayed away from racing?

bobby racing ricky stayed

↓

Mr. Bobby's very competitive. If he wants to race, he should race.

competitive race wants

↓

Well, this is John Hannafin with Kenny Rogers. And now back to you, Bill.

bill john kenny rogers

↓

Well, that, of course, was not Kenny Rogers.

course kenny rogers

↓

Not even close.

close

↓

Ricky, you've got Brian Wavecrest...

brian ricky

↓

...the guy that replaced you at Dennit, dead ahead.

ahead dead replaced

↓

Bobby working really hard to pass the Wonder Bread car.

bobby bread hard pass wonder working

↓

That's his old ride, of course.

course ride

↓

We've passed the halfway mark with Ricky Bobby...

bobby halfway mark passed ricky

↓

...now three car lengths behind the leader.

behind leader three

↓

Maybe subconsciously you slept with Ricky's wife...

slept wife

↓

...as a way of getting back at him...

↓

...for making you come in second all those years.

second years

↓

I know one thing, Carley was definitely unconscious every time we had sex.

unconscious

↓

Lucius, I got Cal Naughton dead ahead of me.

ahead dead

↓

Hey, Cal, you should pay attention. I think he's passing you.

attention passing

↓

Is Ricky passing me in my subconscious?

passing ricky subconscious

↓

No, he's actually passing you. That's happening right now.

passing

↓

Go, Ricky! Go!

ricky

↓

Let's go back to our John Hannafin...

john

↓

...who's in the stands with an NBA legend, Larry Bird.

bird larry legend stands

↓

Folks, I'm here with one of the great NBA superstars...

folks

↓

...a real legend, Larry Bird.

bird larry legend real

↓

I almost didn't recognize you with the sunglasses. What are you up to?

recognize sunglasses

↓

Come on, John, pay attention.

attention john

↓

I'm concerned. He might have had a stroke.

concerned might stroke

↓

Didn't Ricky Bobby used to drive for you?

bobby drive ricky used

↓

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - He's doing quite well.

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Richard!

richard

↓

Get Cal Naughton's crew chief on the radio right away.

chief crew radio

↓

I believe you have some tickets waiting for me. My name's Reese Bobby.

believe bobby names reese tickets waiting

↓

Reese Bobby.

bobby reese

↓

Mister, these tickets have been waiting for you for a long time.

mister tickets waiting

↓

Who needs two? I got tickets!

needs tickets

↓

Tickets, right here, 60 bucks a pop.

bucks tickets

↓

All right, Girard, I found you. Now let's see where this goes.

found

↓

Bobby's gotten around Naughton...

gotten

↓

...and now he's right behind Girard, but Girard's gonna block the track.

behind block track

↓

Man, he's scary good.

scary

↓

Ah, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

↓

Now we shall dance, and yes, it will be a slow jam.

dance slow

↓

Damn it. Come on, man.

↓

I was wrong about you, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

↓

You are not the one to defeat me.

defeat

↓

I can't get around him, man.

↓

You tell Cal Naughton to take Ricky Bobby out.

bobby ricky

↓

Hey, Cal, listen. I hate to add to your tremendous moral confusion...

confusion hate moral tremendous

↓

...but I just heard from Dennit.

heard

↓

He said to take Ricky Bobby out of the race or you're fired, buddy.

bobby buddy fired race ricky

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

Tell him if he doesn't do it, he's done. That's right, he'll be driving a tour bus.

driving tour

↓

Well, you tell Mr. Dennit that Ricky Bobby is my best friend.

best best-friend bobby friend ricky

↓

- And it's Shake and Bake time. - Cal, I don't like the way...

bake shake

↓

...you're talking out there. - Damn the torpedoes!

torpedoes

↓

Come on, man, slingshot it. Slingshot, come on.

↓

I can't believe it. If it isn't Mike Honcho himself.

believe mike

↓

Shake and Bake, buddy!

bake buddy shake

↓

Shake it before you bake it.

bake shake

↓

Here I come. Slingshot engaged.

engaged

↓

Yeah!

↓

I love you, Cal!

love

↓

- What are you doing? - Can't believe it. Now I've seen it all.

believe seen

↓

Cal Naughton from Dennit Racing just helped a rival driver pass a teammate.

driver helped pass racing rival teammate

↓

Darrell, you tell Brian Wavecrest to take out Cal Naughton right now.

brian

↓

Right now, you do it. You do it!

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

And the 26 car just ran Naughton into the wall.

wall

↓

Oh, man.

↓

Damn you, Wavecrest!

↓

The entire field was in that wreck, and we've only got six laps to go.

entire field laps wreck

↓

Only Ricky Bobby and Jean Girard got away clean.

bobby clean jean ricky

↓

It's just Jean and Ricky.

jean ricky

↓

And now the matador shall dance with the blind shoemaker.

blind dance

↓

Race officials have completed an extensive cleanup of the track.

completed extensive race track

↓

We're ready to get back to racing.

racing ready

↓

The 200,000 fans are on their feet, and the green flag is in the air.

fans feet flag green

↓

Bobby and Girard are dueling each other for the lead.

bobby dueling lead

↓

No one seems to have the edge.

edge seems

↓

Go, go, go! Come on, come on, go!

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final lap.

final gentlemen ladies

↓

By the way, Ricky, I watched the Highlander movie.

movie ricky watched

↓

It was shit.

↓

Hang on, baby Jesus, this is gonna get bumpy.

baby bumpy hang jesus

↓

I've seen a lot of big crashes at Talladega...

crashes seen

↓

...but this is the longest one I've ever seen.

longest seen

↓

Let's take a quick commercial break and we'll be right back.

break commercial quick

↓

Hungry for both steak and shrimp?

hungry shrimp steak

↓

Welcome back to Talladega, where the long one continues.

continues welcome

↓

No, no! Jean Girard and Ricky Bobby have wrecked in the last lap...

bobby jean ricky wrecked

↓

...on the straightaway. What a shame.

shame

↓

Oh, God.

↓

It looks like neither Girard or Bobby will finish this race.

bobby finish race

↓

We'd like to thank you for joining us for NBC's coverage of NAS CAR.

coverage joining

↓

Coming up next, it's Ice Dancing to the Hits of Motown.

coming dancing hits motown

↓

Wait a minute, there's something going on on the track down there.

minute track

↓

Oh, my God, they're racing each other on foot.

foot racing

↓

These men will not quit.

quit

↓

Go! Go!

↓

Ricky, Ricky. He's going, he's going, he's going. Look!

ricky

↓

He did it!

↓

Well, I'll be damned.

damned

↓

Good for you, Ricky Bobby.

bobby ricky

↓

Yeah! Yeah!

↓

Ricky Bobby wins!

bobby ricky wins

↓

You'll never see anything like that in a hundred lifetimes.

hundred

↓

It was completely illegal and in no way will count, but that was something.

completely count illegal

↓

It was. That was really good.

↓

Monsieur Bobby, by defeating me today...

bobby monsieur today

↓

...you have set me free.

free

↓

And for that, I thank you.

↓

I will never shake your hand, ever.

hand shake

↓

But I will give you this.

↓

Sir, you taste of America.

america taste

↓

Thank you.

↓

No, once was good. Once was good.

↓

Boy, that Halliburton. Halliburton's taken off, haven't they?

taken

↓

Yeah, yeah, we're doing well.

↓

Now there's some stock I'd like to get my hands on.

hands stock

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, NASCAR fans...

fans gentlemen ladies

↓

...your eyes on Talladega's famed Victory Lane...

eyes lane victory

↓

...as we get ready for trophy time here...

ready trophy

↓

...following an exciting running of the Talladega 500.

exciting following running

↓

First, a very brief explanation.

brief explanation

↓

Because the drivers that finished first and second got out of their cars...

cars drivers finished second

↓

...they have officially been disqualified.

disqualified officially

↓

So now the winner, he was third, he's now number one:

number third winner

↓

Cal Naughton Jr.!

↓

Yeah, come on, guys!

↓

- Give me that thing. - Cal, you're number one!

number

↓

I've been waiting a long time for you to say my name, man.

name waiting

↓

I know it's a technicality, but I tell you what...

↓

...you try to take this away from me, I'll sock you in the face.

face sock

↓

Ricky.

ricky

↓

Give me that thing.

↓

I can't believe it. I can't believe it!

believe

↓

- Cal! - Put me down.

↓

I'm proud of you!

proud

↓

Get up here, man. No, you come up here.

↓

You come up here.

↓

- Cal Naughton! Cal Naughton. - Oh, my God.

↓

For this to happen... Am I dead, man?

dead happen

↓

You won the Talladega 500, all right?

↓

I owe you an apology.

apology

↓

- Come on. - Man, I'm sorry about Carley.

↓

She walked straight up to me and grabbed me in the crotch.

crotch grabbed straight walked

↓

- It's like a tractor beam of hotness. - I know.

beam tractor tractor-beam

↓

Shake and Bake?

bake shake

↓

No. Never again.

↓

You're right. I was a total dick, man.

dick total

↓

From now on...

↓

...it's Magic Man...

magic

↓

...and El Diablo.

diablo

↓

What's "Diablo" mean?

diablo

↓

It's like, you know...

↓

It's like Spanish for, like, a fighting chicken.

chicken fighting spanish

↓

- That's awesome. - I know.

awesome

↓

- With the claws. - With the claws and the beak.

beak claws

↓

Where did you think of that?

↓

You just... Sometimes things click.

click sometimes

↓

- I love you, bro. - I love you too.

love

↓

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

believe

↓

Excuse me, guys. Nice job.

excuse

↓

Hey, Ricky.

ricky

↓

Hey, Carley.

↓

I've decided I can love you again. You're a winner.

decided love winner

↓

- Yeah, I don't think so. - Really?

↓

Are you prepared to walk away from these pearls...

pearls prepared walk

↓

...of delight?

delight

↓

Well... Yeah, this is tough. How would it work?

tough

↓

- Would Cal move out? - Yep, gone.

gone

↓

Kids move back in?

kids

↓

- Can I just have a little refresher? - Of course, baby.

baby course refresher

↓

This is why you fell in love, don't forget.

fell forget love

↓

Yeah, I'm in. I'm moving in right now.

moving

↓

I'll drive 100 miles an hour to your house.

drive hour house miles

↓

- Our house. Our house. - Our house, yeah.

house

↓

No, I'm not. Come on. It's gonna be awkward.

awkward

↓

- Hey, baby. - Hey.

baby

↓

Wait a minute.

minute

↓

You are ready to walk away...

ready walk

↓

...from FHM magazine's number seven hottest ass...

hottest magazines number seven

↓

...for the girl who forgets to get your dry cleaning?

cleaning forgets girl

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah?

↓

- Yeah. - Good luck, weirdoes.

luck

↓

- Carley, come back here. - Yes, Susie Q?

↓

There's something I've wanted to tell you for a really long time.

wanted

↓

Thank you. Maybe one together?

↓

- Susie Q, are those real? - Yeah.

real

↓

Well, girl, you got some game.

game girl

↓

- We'll see you on down the road. - Yeah.

road

↓

- You seen Cal? - He's somewhere around here.

seen

↓

Hey, Cal! Baby, I'm coming. Thanks, baby.

baby coming thanks

↓

- Maybe one more? - Oh, boys.

boys

↓

- She's crazy. - Oh, thank you.

crazy

↓

- You did good. - Thanks, Mama.

mama thanks

↓

He's amazing.

amazing

↓

That was one heck of a day, I gotta say.

heck

↓

That's some nice driving there, cowboy.

cowboy driving

↓

- Hey, Daddy. - Well, hello, Reese.

daddy reese

↓

Well, if it isn't our old mangy, transient grandfather.

grandfather

↓

Well said, grandson. Take that as a compliment.

compliment grandson

↓

Hey, Ricky, let me ask you a question.

question ricky

↓

Who did you win that race for?

race

↓

Well, I sure as hell didn't win it for you.

↓

I like hearing that.

hearing

↓

I guess if I really gotta think about it...

↓

...I just went out there and drove.

drove

↓

And knew that no matter what happened...

happened matter

↓

...my boys, my mama, and my lady would love me.

boys lady love mama

↓

Hi, I'm his lady, I'm Susan.

lady susan

↓

I painted the car, I... We had sex.

painted

↓

- Is that right? - Yeah.

↓

Well, I wish I could've been there for that.

couldve wish

↓

Son, I'm proud of you.

proud

↓

Yep. Yeah, I think... I guess things are...

↓

...just pretty much perfect right now.

perfect

↓

It's making me a little itchy.

itchy

↓

Well, what do you say we get thrown out of an Applebee's?

applebees thrown

↓

- That sound like a good idea? - You read my mind, son.

idea mind read sound

↓

- You can cuss at Applebee's. - Everybody pile in.

applebees everybody pile

↓

How does one get thrown out of Applebee's?

applebees thrown

↓

- You're about to find out. - Okay.

↓

Watch, the doors actually open.

doors open watch

↓

- Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. - And I'm Cal Naughton Jr.

bobby ricky

↓

We just want to take a moment to talk to you about snow blindness in cats.

cats moment snow

↓

It's affecting more and more cats every year.

affecting cats

↓

And it scares the living shit out of us.

living scares

↓

Ninety-eight percent of us will die at some point in our lives.

eight lives ninety percent point

↓

The darkness is creeping towards you, whether you know it or not.

darkness whether

↓

A little planning can go a long way.

planning

↓

Listen, leaving your big old corpse behind...

behind corpse leaving

↓

...for your loved ones to deal with ain't cool.

aint cool deal loved ones

↓

That's why you should call McCreedy Funeral Service.

funeral service

↓

McCreedy's. They'll find the hole and build the box.

build hole

↓

Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it.

bodies

↓

We like to have a lot of laughs on the racetrack...

laughs

↓

...but today we wanna talk about something serious:

serious today

↓

Packs of stray dogs that control most of the major cities.

cities control dogs major packs stray

↓

That's packs of wild, vicious dogs that are controlling most of...

controlling dogs packs vicious wild

↓

Sorry.

↓

I like to picture Jesus like a mischievous badger.

jesus picture

↓

Like a muscular trapeze artist.

artist muscular trapeze

↓

Like a shapeshifter or a changeling, like that guy.

↓

You ever hear of that TV show Manimal?

↓

I like to think of Jesus as a figure skater...

figure jesus

↓

...who wears, like, a white outfit...

outfit wears white

↓

...and he does interpretive ice dances of my life's journey.

dances journey lifes

↓

Like a dirty old bum.

dirty

↓

He comes up to me, I'm about to sock him one because he's a dirty old bum.

comes dirty sock

↓

Then I said, "Wait a minute, I better not sock this guy.

minute sock

↓

Something special about him."

special

↓

- Yeah, and it turns out it's Jesus. - Yeah.

jesus turns

↓

One, two... Oh, God.

↓

- Not again! No go. No go! - It's stuck. It's stuck.

stuck

↓

We got two knives in my leg.

knives

↓

I know, but one is a safety knife. One is a safety.

knife safety

↓

It's coming out. It's coming out.

coming

↓

I'm choking on my own spit.

choking spit

↓

It hurts so bad I'm choking on my own spit.

choking hurts spit

↓

Good night, guys. I'm losing a lot of blood.

blood losing night

↓

- Just relax, man. - Good night.

night relax

↓

Ricky! Wake...

ricky wake

↓

Sometimes, when it's late at night, I dress up like Donna Summers.

donna dress late night sometimes summers

↓

You know, I put on the skirt and the four-inch heels, man.

four heels inch skirt

↓

I love it.

love

↓

Sorry. Sorry.

↓

I would be honored if you would let me sign your cast.

cast honored sign

↓

And I would be honored if you'd sign my balls.

balls honored sign

↓

- Oh, baby, that is a good one. - Hey, what are you doing?

baby

↓

"Don't touch a one of them. They're mine."

touch

↓

So, what do you think that story was about?

story

↓

Doesn't the bear symbolize the old South...

bear south

↓

...and the new dog, the encroaching industrialization of the North?

north

↓

Duh. But the question is, should the reader feel relief or sadness...

question reader relief sadness

↓

...at the passing of the old South?

passing south

↓

Well, how about both?

↓

Oh, I get it. Moral ambiguity.

moral

↓

The hallmark of all early 20th-century American fiction.

american century early fiction

↓

- Great analysis, Walker. - Thank you.

analysis walker