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Smiling Friends

Season 3, Episode 3 โ€” Mole Man

TMDB episode metadata
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Mr. Ventura, how do you justify your insanity
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and being wrong about everything?
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Excuse me, I saw the tape of President Shrimp being shot.
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Okay, I'm an expert marksman, and I couldn't have made the shot.
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He's right, Pim.
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I mean, like, if you really think about it, he's right.
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Can we change it back to the funny cat compilation
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we had on, Charlie?
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Wait, dude, just tell me, explain to me,
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how did the magic bullet go through President Shrimp's head,
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into the governor in front of him, then into the driver to the left of them,
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then behind him into his wife,
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and then back into President Shrimp's head?
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Explain that to me, man.
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I don't... I don't know.
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I don't like to think about that stuff, Charlie,
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-to be honest. -Dude, I'm just asking--
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Glep, what happened in here? There was a big noise.
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What's that?
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The floor collapsed?
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Pim and Charlie fell down into it?
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Oh, my God! Somebody call the police!
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Charlie?
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Charlie, wake up.
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Are we dead?
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Am I in hell again?
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Oh, my gosh.
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Are those photos of... us?
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Is that really what I look like?
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Man, I need to lose weight fucking immediately.
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That is really, really bad, dude.
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Who are you?
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Me? Oh, me?
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I am Mole Man.
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And can I just say,
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I'm so honored to finally have the Pim and Charlie
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in my cool fucking mole hole. Do you like it?
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-Yeah. It's, like, a standard mole hole. -Yeah.
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Wait, also, how do you know our names?
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Oh, I know everything about you two.
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You see...
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in the beginning I lived a simple and peaceful life in my mole hole
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until that building of yours was erected right above my head and ruined everything.
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At first, listening to you two babble on and on and on
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nearly drove me to madness.
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But then something strange began to happen.
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I started getting used to your talking and silly shenanigans,
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and then I even started to grow accustomed to it.
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What once was a passionate hatred became a craving.
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In your absence, I felt incomplete,
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so I began tunneling around with my mole abilities,
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following you wherever you went, admiring you from afar.
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Yes, I've been there the entire time, Pim and Charlie.
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All of your jokes, all of your banter, all of your filthy little secrets.
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I was there for it all.
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And now you're finally here, and I can have you all to my mole self.
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Well, that's a lovely story, Mr. Mole Man,
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but you didn't have to capture us and tie us up.
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You could have just come and talked to us.
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Oh, that's nice of you to say, Pim.
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But unfortunately, I cannot go to the surface
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because everyone will see my disgusting penis.
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I mean, just don't show it.
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A classic Charlie line.
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I knew you'd say a funny, quippy line like that.
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How cute, how quaint, how interesting, how cool,
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how queer, how funny, how silly, how--
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Dude, what do you want with us?
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I just want you to be yourselves.
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Behold!
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You didn't just see my penis, did you?
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No, I was looking at the thing you just revealed.
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-I didn't even see it. -Yeah. Same.
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I was just looking at the building.
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Are you sure you didn't see my penis
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when I went, whoop, like that? No?
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Whoop! Like that? No, huh? You didn't see it then?
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Whoop! Watch out. There it is.
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So? Any luck?
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Yeah, look, unfortunately, that sinkhole completely closed up.
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Even if we did retrieve their bodies, they would look like ground beef.
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Which, I mean, may sound delicious,
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but would be very scary for you to see.
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Yeah, no, that does sound delicious,
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but, yeah, I get... I get what you mean.
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All right, have a nice day.
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I can't believe it. They're really gone.
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My boys!
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Smiling Friends is over!
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You've still got Glep and I, Mr. Boss.
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Wait, Allan.
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What if you and Glep were the new Smiling Friends?
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-Okay. -The Smiling Friends are back!
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I thought I already was a Smiling Friend.
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All right, go.
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What do you mean?
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Just, you know, do funny stuff.
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Do your classic realistic dialogue with each other.
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Hi, Pim.
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How are you do-- How are you doing?
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I'm good, Charlie.
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How are you doing?
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Fucking stupid thing.
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Yo, yo. What's up, my fellow coworkers?
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Hey, yo, guys, I've got a good one.
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What would you do if a fucking gnome
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just ran in here all of a sudden and started going...
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What would you do? What would you say?
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Would you just want to smash it with a hammer or what?
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That was really fun, Mole Man. You're great at this.
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I think we can call it a day now and go back--
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Oh, you guys.
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I hear someone coming.
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You boys have a job...
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Did you hear that, guys? We've got a job to go on.
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The three Smiling Friends have a job.
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A job. A job to go on.
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Let's go on a job!
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All right, Glep. This is very important.
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We can't screw this up.
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Hello, we're the Smooling Fronds.
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-Fuck! -Oh, wonderful!
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Please, come in.
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I've been so depressed
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ever since my husband ran out on me and my beautiful triplets.
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I just need someone to look after them while I go to work.
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-Yeah, sure, we can do that. -Great!
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There's a lasagna in the freezer and instructions in the fridge. Goodbye!
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So...
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do you want the lasagna now?
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My foot!
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Glep!
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All right, here we are.
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We're gonna make someone smile. Yay.
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Who... Who are we supposed to be helping?
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Oh, you came just in time. I need you to help me smile
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because I'm afraid people will see my disgusting penis.
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Oh, sorry to hear that, Mr. Mole Man.
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I personally think your penis is very nice and not disgusting at all.
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Really? Oh, wow. Thank you, kind stranger.
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Wow, that's very nice of you to say.
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What do you think, Pim and Charlie? What do you think of his penis?
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I mean, yeah, I think it's...
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-Yep. -Oh, thank you.
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And what about you, sir?
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Yeah, what do you think about his penis, Charlie?
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I...
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No. No, I'm not commenting on that.
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My heroes don't like my penis?
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They hate my penis?
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No.
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Glep?
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Hey! Turn that off!
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Charlie, I'm really scared. How are we gonna get out of here?
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It's all right, Pim. Let's just think.
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What would WWE star
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and former governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura, do?
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Charlie, you're being psychologically manipulated.
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The answer's been in front of you the whole time.
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Just like 9/11.
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Oh, wait.
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Pim, these are flimsy tree roots.
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We could've just broken out of these the whole time.
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Oh, yeah, you're right.
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Oh no! Which way do we go?
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That way!
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What the hell? Vivianne! Get in here!
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Little colorful characters are running around in the vents!
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I'm sure there are.
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All right, just go to sleep.
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How dare you run away from me, you ungrateful little twats?
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Wait, that sounded like Allan.
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Allan, Glep, what are you guys doing here?
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Pim? Charlie? You're alive?
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I've got you now!
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Oh. Allan and Glep.
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You're not even technically Smiling Friends,
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but I'll kill you anyway.
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Fuck you.
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I'm home!
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Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to show you that.
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So sorry, I know it's disgusting. I'm sorry.
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No, I...
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I love it.
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-Really? -Yeah, I really do.
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My name's Maurine, by the way.
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Oh, that's awesome.
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I'm Mole Man,
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and you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life.
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Hey, maybe this is crazy, but...
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do you want to marry me and be the father of my triplets?
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Yes, I do!
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Oh, hooray!
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Children, come in here!
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Meet your new Mole-daddy!
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I spent my whole life obsessing over Pim and Charlie,
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but this is my new obsession now.
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Fuck Pim and Charlie!
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I have a family now.
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You know, I just gotta say, we avoided seeing it the whole time,
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Pim, and I just saw it right there, and it was not as bad as I thought--
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It looked pretty good from what I thought it'd be.
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The penis? Yeah, I saw it too.
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Yeah, it looked good. Looked like a good penis.
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'Cause he hyped it up and said it would be horrible,
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-and said it would be ugly. -I thought it looked delicious.
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What's that?
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I thought the penis looked delicious.
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Mr. Boss, Pim and Charlie didn't die.
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They were alive the whole time.