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Home » Shrek » S01E01 — Shrek

Shrek

Season 1, Episode 1 — Shrek

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Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.

lovely princess

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But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort...

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which could only be broken by love's first kiss.

broken kiss loves

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She was locked away in a castle...

castle locked

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guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.

breathing dragon fire

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Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison,

attempted brave free knights prison

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but none prevailed.

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She waited in the dragon's keep...

dragons waited

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in the highest room of the tallest tower...

highest room tallest tower

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for her true love and true love's first kiss.

kiss love loves

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Like that's ever gonna happen.

happen

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What a load of...

load

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Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me

roll somebody world

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I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

shed tool

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She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb.

dumb finger looking thumb

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In the shape of an I on her forehead.

forehead shape

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The years start coming and they don't stop coming.

coming start years

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Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.

ground rules running

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Didn't make sense not to live for fun.

fun live sense

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Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

brain dumb head smart

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So much to do So much to see.

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So what's wrong with taking the backstreets.

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You'll never know if you don't go.

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You'll never shine if you don't glow.

glow shine

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Hey, now You're an all-star.

star

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Get your game on, go play.

game

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Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

paid rock rock-star star

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And all that glitters is gold.

gold

↓

Only shooting stars break the mold.

break mold shooting stars

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It's a cool place and they say it gets colder.

cool place

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You're bundled up now but wait till you get older.

older till

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But the meteor men beg to differ.

differ meteor

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Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

hole judging picture satellite

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The ice we skate is getting pretty thin.

skate thin

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The water's getting warm so you might as well swim.

might swim warm waters

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My world's on fire How about yours.

fire worlds

↓

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

bored

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Hey, now, you're an all-star.

star

↓

Get your game on, go play.

game

↓

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

paid rock rock-star star

↓

And all that glitters is gold.

gold

↓

Only shooting stars break the mold.

break mold shooting stars

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- Go! - Go!

↓

Go. Go. Go.

↓

Hey, now You're an all-star.

star

↓

Get your game on, go play.

game

↓

Hey, now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid.

paid rock rock-star star

↓

And all that glitters is gold.

gold

↓

Only shooting stars break the mold.

break mold shooting stars

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- Think it's in there? - AI right. Let's get it!

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Whoa. Ho ID on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

whoa

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Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

bones bread grind itll

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Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

giant

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Now, ogres... They're much worse.

ogres worse

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They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.

freshly peeled skin suit

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- No! - They'll shave your liver.

liver shave

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Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!

eyes jelly squeeze

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- Actually, it's quite good on toast. - Back! Back, beast!

beast toast

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Back! I warn ya!

warn

↓

Right.

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This is the part where you run away.

part

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And stay out!

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Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.

creatures fairy fairy-tale tale wanted

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All right. This one's full.

full ones

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Take it away!

↓

- Move it along. Come on! Get up! - Next!

along

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Give me that! Your flying days are over.

days flying

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That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

pieces silver witch

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- Get up! Come on! - Twenty pieces.

pieces twenty

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Sit down there!

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Keep quiet!

quiet

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This cage is too small.

cage

↓

Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.

stubborn

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I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

another another-chance chance change

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- Oh, shut up. Oh! - Next!

↓

- What have you got? - This little wooden puppet.

puppet wooden

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I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

puppet real

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Five shillings for the possessed toy.

five possessed

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- Take it away. - Father, please! Don't let them do this!

father

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- Help me! - Next. What have you got?

↓

Well, I've got a talking donkey.

donkey

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Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.

prove

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Oh, go ahead, little fella.

ahead fella go-ahead

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Well?

↓

Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous.

nervous

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He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you bone headed dolt...

bone headed

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- That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! - No, no, he talks!

guards heard talks

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He does. I can talk. I love to talk.

love

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I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

↓

- Get her out of my sight. - No, no!

sight

↓

I swear! Oh! He can talk!

swear

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Hey! I can fly!

↓

- He can fly! - He can fly!

↓

- He can talk! - Ha, ha! That's right, fool!

fool

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Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.

donkey flying

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You might have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly,

house might seen super

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but I bet you are not never seen a donkey fly.

donkey seen

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Ha, ha!

↓

Uh-oh.

↓

Seize him!

seize

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After him! He's getting away!

↓

Get him! This way! Turn!

↓

You there. Ogre!

ogre

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Aye?

↓

By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am

farquaad lord lord-farquaad order

↓

authorized to place you both under arrest...

arrest authorized place

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and transport you to a designated... resettlement facility.

facility transport

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Oh, really? You and what army?

army

↓

Can I say something to you?

↓

Listen, you was really, really something back there. Incredible!

incredible

↓

Are you talking to... me? Whoa!

whoa

↓

Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you

↓

that you was great back there? Those guards!

guards

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They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam!

showed

↓

They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods.

babes tripping woods

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That really made me feel good to see that.

↓

- Oh, that's great. Really. - Man, it's good to be free.

free

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Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

celebrate freedom friends

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But, uh, I don't have any friends.

friends

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And I'm not going out there by myself.

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Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.

idea minute stick

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You're a mean, green, fighting machine.

fighting fighting-machine green machine

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Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

anybody scare spit

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Oh, wow! That was really scary.

scary

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If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work,

mind

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your breath certainly will get the job done,

breath certainly

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'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

breath stinks

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You almost burned the hair outta my nose,

burned hair nose outta

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just like the time...

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Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.

berries butt rotten strong

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Why are you following me?

following

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I'll tell you why.

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'Cause I'm all alone.

alone

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There's no one here beside me.

beside

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My problems have all gone.

gone problems

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There's no one to deride me.

↓

But you gotta have friends...

friends

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Stop singing!

singing

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It's no wonder you don't have any friends.

friends wonder

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Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

friend honest truly

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Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

donkey

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Uh...

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- Really tall? - No! I'm an ogre.

ogre tall

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You know. Grab your torch and pitchforks.

grab torch

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Doesn't that bother you?

bother

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Nope.

nope

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- Really? - Really, really.

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- Oh. - Man, I like you. What's your name?

name

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Uh, Shrek.

shrek

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Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?

shrek

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You got that kind of.

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I-don't-care-what-nobody... thinks-of-me thing.

care nobody thinks

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I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right.

respect shrek

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Wooh! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?

live place whod wooh

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That would be my home.

home

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Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.

lovely

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You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget.

amazing budget modest

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I like that Boulder. That is a nice Boulder.

↓

I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

entertain

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I like my privacy.

privacy

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You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common.

another common

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Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face.

face hate somebody

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You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave.

hint

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There's that awkward silence.

awkward silence

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- Can I stay with you? - Uh, what?

↓

Can I stay with you, please?

↓

- Of course! - Really?

course

↓

- No. - Please! I don't wanna go back there!

↓

You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do.

considered freak

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But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!

stick

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- Please! Please! - Okay! Okay!

↓

- But one night only. - Ah! Thank you!

night

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- What are you... No! No! - This is gonna be fun!

fun

↓

We can stay up late, swapping manly stories,

late manly stories

↓

and in the morning I'm making waffles.

morning waffles

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- Oh! - Where do, uh, I sleep?

sleep

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Outside!

↓

Oh, well, I guess that's cool.

cool

↓

I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me,

↓

so I guess outside is best, you know.

best

↓

Here I go.

↓

Good night.

night

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I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey.

donkey

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I was born outside.

born

↓

I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know.

sitting

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By myself, outside.

↓

I'm all alone There's no one here beside me.

alone beside

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I thought I told you to stay outside.

↓

I am outside.

↓

Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

choice farm gents

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It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

home itll

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What a lovely bed.

lovely

↓

- Got ya. - I found some cheese.

cheese found

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- Ow! - Blah! Awful stuff.

awful blah stuff

↓

- Is that you, Gorder? - How did you know?

↓

Enough! What are you doing in my house?

house

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Hey!

↓

Oh, no, no, no.

↓

Dead broad off the table.

broad dead table

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Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

beds supposed taken

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Huh?

↓

What?

↓

I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre!

live ogre signs swamp terrifying

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What do I have to do to get a little privacy?

privacy

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- Aah! - Oh, no.

↓

Oh, no.

↓

No! No!

↓

What?

↓

- Quit it. - Don't push.

push quit

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What are you doing in my swamp?

swamp

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Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!

swamp

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Oh, dear!

dear

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Whoa!

whoa

↓

All right, get out of here. All of you, move it!

↓

Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

↓

- Quickly. Come on! - No, no!

quickly

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No, no. Not there. Not there.

↓

Oh!

↓

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

invite

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Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

gosh invited

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- What? - We were forced to come here.

forced

↓

- By who? - Lord Farquaad.

farquaad lord lord-farquaad

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He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice.

notice signed

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All right.

↓

Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?

farquaad knows

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Oh, I do. I know where he is.

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Does anyone else know where to find him?

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- Any one at all? - Me! Me!

↓

- Anyone? - Oh! Oh, pick me!

pick

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Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

↓

Okay, fine.

↓

Attention, all fairy tale things.

attention fairy fairy-tale tale

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Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out.

comfortable officially welcome worn

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In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now...

fact farquaad

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and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

land

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Oh! You!

↓

You're coming with me.

coming

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All right, that's what I like to hear, man.

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Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure.

adventure city donkey friends shrek

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I love it!

love

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- On the road again Sing it with me, Shrek. - Hey. Oh, oh!

road shrek sing

↓

I can't wait to get on the road again.

road

↓

What did I say about singing?

singing

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- Can I whistle? - No.

whistle

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- Can I hum it? - All right, hum it.

↓

That's enough. He's ready to talk.

ready

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Run, run, run, as fast as you can.

fast

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You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

catch gingerbread

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- You're a monster. - I'm not the monster here. You are.

monster

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You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.

fairy fairy-tale perfect poisoning rest tale trash world

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Now, tell me! Where are the others?

others

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Eat me!

↓

I've tried to be fair to you creatures.

creatures fair tried

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Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...

patience reached

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No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.

buttons

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All right then. Who's hiding them?

hiding

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Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

muffin

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- The muffin man? - The muffin man.

muffin

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Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

lane lives muffin

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Well, she's married to the muffin man.

married muffin

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- The muffin man? - The muffin man!

muffin

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She's married to the muffin man.

married muffin

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My Lord! We found it.

found lord

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Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.

bring waiting

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Oh!

↓

- Magic mirror... - Don't tell him anything!

magic mirror

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No!

↓

Evening.

evening

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Mirror, mirror, on the wall.

mirror wall

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Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

kingdom perfect

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Well, technically you're not a king.

king technically

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Uh, Thelonius.

↓

- You were saying? - What I mean is, you're not a king yet.

king

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But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

become marry princess

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Go on.

↓

So, just sit back and relax, my Lord,

lord relax

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because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

meet todays

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And here they are!

↓

Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, faraway.

abused bachelorette bachelorette-number kingdom mentally number

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She likes Sushi and hot tubbing anytime.

anytime likes sushi

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Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters.

cleaning cooking evil hobbies include sisters

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Please welcome Cinderella.

welcome

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Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy.

bachelorette bachelorette-number cape fancy girl land number wearing

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Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

easy lives seven

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Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.

dead frozen kiss lips live live-wire wire

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Come on. Give it up for Snow White!

snow white

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And last, but certainly not least,

certainly least

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bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead...

bachelorette bachelorette-number fiery number number-three three

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from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

boiling castle dragon lava surrounded

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But don't let that cool you off.

cool

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She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

caught coladas likes loaded pistol rain

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Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

fiona princess princess-fiona rescuing

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So will it be bachelorette number one,

bachelorette bachelorette-number number

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bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three?

bachelorette bachelorette-number number number-three three

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- Two! Two! - Three! Three!

three three-three

↓

- Two! Two! - Three!

three

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Three? One? Three?

three

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Three! Pick number three, my Lord!

lord number number-three pick three

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Okay, okay, uh, number three!

number number-three three

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Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

chosen farquaad fiona lord lord-farquaad princess princess-fiona

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If you love pina coladas.

coladas love

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- And getting caught in the rain. - Princess Fiona.

caught fiona princess princess-fiona rain

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- If you're not into yoga. - She's perfect.

perfect yoga

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All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

↓

But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

happens mention night

↓

- I'll do it. - Yes, but after sunset...

sunset

↓

Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen,

fiona princess princess-fiona queen silence

↓

and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king!

duloc finally king perfect

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Captain, assemble your finest men.

assemble captain finest

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We're going to have a tournament.

tournament

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But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc.

duloc

↓

I told ya I'd find it.

↓

So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

castle lord must

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Uh-huh. That's the place.

place

↓

Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

compensating

↓

Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

shrek

↓

Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

darling hurry late

↓

Hey, you!

↓

Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya.

second

↓

I just... I just...

↓

It's quiet.

quiet

↓

Too quiet.

quiet

↓

- Where is everybody? - Hey, look at this!

everybody

↓

Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town.

duloc perfect town welcome

↓

Here we have some rules Let us lay them down.

rules

↓

Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine.

along line waves

↓

DuLoc is a perfect place.

duloc perfect perfect-place place

↓

Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face.

face grass shine shoes wipe

↓

DuLoc is, DuLoc is.

duloc

↓

DuLoc is a perfect.

duloc perfect

↓

...Place.

place

↓

Wow! Let's do that again!

↓

No. No. No, no, no! No.

↓

Brave knights.

brave knights

↓

You are the best and brightest in all the land.

best brightest land

↓

Today one of you shall prove himself...

prove today

↓

All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

bottom

↓

Sorry about that.

↓

That champion shall have the honor... no, no... the privilege...

champion honor privilege

↓

to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona...

fiona forth lovely princess princess-fiona rescue

↓

from the fiery keep oft he dragon.

dragon fiery

↓

If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,

reason unsuccessful winner

↓

the first runner-up will take his place...

place runner

↓

and so on and so forth.

forth

↓

Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

sacrifice willing

↓

Let the tournament begin!

begin tournament

↓

Oh!

↓

What is that?

↓

- It's hideous! - Ah, that's not very nice.

hideous

↓

- It's just a donkey. - Huh?

donkey

↓

Indeed. Knights, new plan!

indeed knights plan

↓

The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

champion kills named ogre

↓

- Get him! - Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.

hang

↓

Go ahead! Get him!

ahead go-ahead

↓

Can't we just settle this over a pint?

pint settle

↓

Kill the beast!

beast kill

↓

No? All right then.

↓

Come on!

↓

I don't give a damn about my reputation.

reputation

↓

- You're living in the past It's a new generation. - Damn!

generation living past

↓

A girl can do what she wants to do.

girl wants

↓

And that's what I'm gonna do.

↓

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation.

reputation

↓

Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me.

↓

- Me, me, me. - Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

shrek

↓

And I don't give a damn about my reputation.

reputation

↓

Never said I wanted to improve my station.

improve station wanted

↓

Ah!

↓

- And I'm always feeling good when I'm having fun. - Yeah!

feeling fun having

↓

And I don't have to please no one.

↓

The chair! Give him the chair!

chair

↓

And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation.

reputation

↓

Oh, no, no, no, no, no Not me.

↓

Me, me, me.

↓

Oh, no, no, no, no.

↓

Not me, not me.

↓

Not me.

↓

Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah!

↓

Thank you! Thank you very much!

↓

I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!

thursday till veal

↓

Shall I give the order, sir?

order

↓

No, I have a better idea.

idea

↓

People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!

champion duloc

↓

- What? - Congratulations, ogre.

congratulations ogre

↓

You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

honor noble quest

↓

Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.

quest swamp

↓

- Your swamp? - Yeah, my swamp!

swamp

↓

Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

creatures dumped fairy fairy-tale tale

↓

Indeed.

indeed

↓

All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal.

deal ogre

↓

Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

quest swamp

↓

Exactly the way it was?

↓

Down to the last slime-covered toad stool.

covered stool toad

↓

- And the squatters? - As good as gone.

gone

↓

What kind of quest?

quest

↓

Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon...

dragon fight straight

↓

and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp...

farquaad princess rescue swamp

↓

which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.

filled freaks full place

↓

Is that about right?

↓

Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

donkeys reason

↓

I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him?

ogre pull stuff

↓

Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress,

fortress throttle

↓

grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

bones bread grind ogre trip whole

↓

Oh, I know what.

↓

Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village...

decapitated entire village

↓

and put their heads on a pike,

heads

↓

gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids.

drink fluids gotten knife open spleen

↓

Does that sound good to you?

sound

↓

Uh, no, not really, no.

↓

For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

information ogres

↓

- Example? - Example?

example

↓

- Okay, um, ogres are like onions. - They stink?

ogres onions stink

↓

- Yes... No! - They make you cry? - No!

↓

You leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.

brown hairs start white

↓

No! Layers!

layers

↓

Onions have layers.

layers onions

↓

Ogres have layers! Onions have layers.

layers ogres onions

↓

You get it? We both have layers.

layers

↓

Oh, you both have layers. Oh.

layers

↓

You know, not everybody likes onions.

everybody everybody-likes likes onions

↓

Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

cake cakes everybody everybody-loves layers loves

↓

I don't care... what everyone likes.

care likes

↓

Ogres are not like cakes.

cakes ogres

↓

You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits.

everybody everybody-likes likes

↓

Have you ever met a person, you say, Let's get some parfait,

parfait person

↓

they say, No, I don't like no parfait?

parfait

↓

- Parfaits are delicious. - No!

delicious

↓

You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden!

beast burden irritating miniature

↓

Ogres are like onions! End of story.

ogres onions story

↓

Bye-bye. See ya later.

↓

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

delicious planet whole

↓

You know, I think I preferred your humming.

humming preferred

↓

Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess.

mess tissue

↓

Just the word parfait make me start slobbering.

parfait start word

↓

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today.

happiness misery today

↓

Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh

↓

I'm on my way from misery to happiness today.

happiness misery today

↓

Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh, uh-huh.

↓

And everything that you receive up yonder.

receive

↓

Is what you give to me the day I wander

wander

↓

I'm on my way

↓

I'm on my way

↓

I'm on my way.

↓

Ooh! Shrek! Did you do that?

shrek

↓

You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open.

crack mouth open somebody warn

↓

Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead.

believe dead donkey

↓

It's brimstone.

brimstone

↓

- We must be getting close. - Yeah, right, brimstone.

brimstone close must

↓

Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I

brimstone

↓

know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone.

brimstone smell

↓

It didn't come off no stone neither.

stone

↓

Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.

location

↓

Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?

layers ogres remember shrek

↓

Oh, aye.

↓

Well, I have a bit of a confession to make.

confession

↓

Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

donkeys fear layers sleeves wear

↓

Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

donkeys second sleeves

↓

You know what I mean.

↓

You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

afraid heights

↓

I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on

uncomfortable

↓

a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

boiling bridge lake lava rickety rickety-bridge

↓

Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay?

beside donkey

↓

For emotional support,

emotional support

↓

we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.

baby step tackle

↓

- Really? - Really, really.

↓

- Okay, that makes me feel so much better. - Just keep moving.

makes moving

↓

- And don't look down. - Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.

↓

Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.

moving

↓

Shrek! I'm looking down!

looking shrek

↓

Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

↓

- But you're already halfway. - But I know that half is safe!

half halfway safe

↓

Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

↓

- Shrek, no! Wait! - Just, Donkey...

donkey shrek

↓

- Let's have a dance then, shall we? - Don't do that!

dance

↓

Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?

↓

- Oh, this? - Yes, that!

↓

Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.

↓

No, Shrek!

shrek

↓

- No! Stop it! - You said do it! I'm doing it.

↓

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die.

shrek

↓

Oh!

↓

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

donkey thatll

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

breathing fire neck pain

↓

Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

rescue waiting

↓

I was talking about the dragon, Shrek.

dragon shrek

↓

You afraid?

afraid

↓

No, but... Shh.

↓

Oh, good. Me neither.

↓

'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid.

afraid

↓

Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation.

fears response sensible situation

↓

Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add.

dangerous might situation

↓

With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire,

breathes dragon eats fire knights

↓

it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared.

coward scared

↓

I sure as heck am not a coward. I know that.

coward heck

↓

Donkey, two things, okay?

donkey

↓

Shut... up.

↓

Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

stairs

↓

Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess.

looking princess stairs

↓

The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

highest princess room stairs tallest tower

↓

- What makes you think she'll be there? - I read it in a book once.

book makes read shell

↓

Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs.

cool dragon handle stairs

↓

I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too.

butt stairs whip

↓

Those stairs won't know which way they're going.

stairs

↓

I'm gonna take drastic steps.

drastic steps

↓

Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master.

curb kick master mess stair

↓

I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

mastered stairs step wish

↓

Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...

least princess

↓

Dragon!

dragon

↓

Donkey, look out!

donkey

↓

Got ya!

↓

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Oh! Aah! Aah!

↓

No. Oh, no. No!

↓

Oh, what large teeth you have.

teeth

↓

I mean, white, sparkling teeth. I know you

sparkling teeth white

↓

probably hear this all the time from your food,

food

↓

but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there.

bleach must smile

↓

Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

hint minty

↓

And you know what else? You're... You're a girl dragon!

dragon girl

↓

Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.

course dragon girl

↓

You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

beauty feminine

↓

What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?

matter

↓

Ooh. Oh. Oh.

↓

Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh...

love

↓

I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings.

blow rings smoke

↓

Shrek!

shrek

↓

No! Shrek! Shrek!

shrek shrek-shrek

↓

Shrek!

shrek

↓

Oh! Oh!

↓

- Wake up! - What?

wake

↓

Are you Princess Fiona?

fiona princess princess-fiona

↓

I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

bold knight rescue

↓

Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

↓

But wait, Sir Knight.

knight

↓

This be-ith our first meeting.

meeting

↓

Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

moment romantic

↓

- Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. - Hey, wait. What are you doing?

lady

↓

You should sweep me off my feet...

feet sweep

↓

out yonder window and down a rope on to your Valiant steed.

rope steed valiant window

↓

You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

plan

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

But we have to savor this moment!

moment

↓

You could recite an epic poem for me.

epic poem recite

↓

A ballad? A sonnet!

ballad

↓

- A Limerick? Or something! - I don't think so.

↓

Can I at least know the name of my champion?

champion least name

↓

Um, Shrek.

shrek

↓

Sir Shrek.

shrek

↓

I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.

favour gratitude pray token

↓

Thanks!

thanks

↓

You didn't slay the dragon?

dragon slay

↓

It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

list

↓

But this isn't right!

↓

You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.

banner charge drawn flying meant sword

↓

That's what all the other knights did.

knights

↓

Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

burst flame

↓

That's not the point. Oh!

point

↓

Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.

exits

↓

Well, I have to save my ass.

save

↓

What kind of knight are you?

knight

↓

One of a kind.

↓

Slowdown. Slowdown, baby, please.

baby

↓

I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time.

believe healthy period

↓

Just call me old-fashioned.

fashioned

↓

I don't want to rush into a physical relationship.

physical relationship rush

↓

I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this...

commitment emotionally ready

↓

Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for.

looking magnitude word

↓

Magnitude... Hey, that is unwanted physical contact.

contact magnitude physical unwanted

↓

Hey, what are you doing?

↓

Okay, okay. Let's just backup a little and take this one step a ta time.

backup step

↓

We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals.

friends pals

↓

I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards...

cards love receiving road

↓

I'd really love to stay, but...

love

↓

Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail.

personal tail

↓

You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission...

permission tear

↓

What are you gonna do with that?

↓

Hey, now. No way. No! No!

↓

No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!

↓

- Hi, Princess! - It talks!

princess talks

↓

Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

trick

↓

Oh!

↓

Okay, you two, head for the exit!

exit head

↓

I'll take care of the dragon.

care dragon

↓

Run!

↓

You did it!

↓

You rescued me! You're amazing. You're...

amazing rescued

↓

You're wonderful. You're...

↓

a little unorthodox I'll admit.

admit unorthodox

↓

But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure.

deed heart pure

↓

I am eternally in your debt.

debt

↓

And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

brave knight noble steed

↓

I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed.

called heard hope noble steed

↓

She think I'm a steed.

steed

↓

The battle is won.

battle

↓

You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

helmet knight remove

↓

- Uh, no. - Why not?

↓

I have helmet hair.

hair helmet

↓

Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

face

↓

No, no, you wouldn't... 'St.

↓

But how will you kiss me?

kiss

↓

What? That wasn't in the job description.

description

↓

Maybe it's a perk.

↓

No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes.

destiny must

↓

A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon...

dragon locked princess tower

↓

is rescued by a brave knight,

brave knight rescued

↓

and then they share true love's first kiss.

kiss loves share

↓

Hmm? With Shrek? You think... Wait.

shrek

↓

Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?

love shrek

↓

Well, yes.

↓

You think Shrek is your true love!

love shrek

↓

What is so funny?

funny

↓

Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?

type

↓

Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.

course

↓

Now... Now remove your helmet.

helmet remove

↓

Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

idea

↓

- Just take off the helmet. - I'm not going to.

helmet

↓

- Take it off. - No!

↓

- Now! - Okay!

↓

Easy. As you command, Your Highness.

command easy highness

↓

You... You're a... an ogre.

ogre

↓

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

charming expecting prince

↓

Well, yes, actually.

↓

Oh, no. This is all wrong.

↓

You're not supposed to be an ogre.

ogre supposed

↓

Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay?

farquaad lord lord-farquaad princess rescue sent

↓

He's the one who wants to marry you.

marry wants

↓

Then why didn't he come rescue me?

rescue

↓

Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

question

↓

But I have to be rescued by my true love,

love rescued

↓

not by some ogre and his... his pet.

ogre

↓

So much for noble steed.

noble steed

↓

You're not making my job any easier.

easier

↓

I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.

problem

↓

You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly,

farquaad lord lord-farquaad properly rescue wants

↓

I'll be waiting for him right here.

waiting

↓

Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

delivery messenger ones

↓

You wouldn't dare.

dare

↓

- Put me down! - Ya coming, Donkey?

coming donkey

↓

I'm right behind ya.

behind

↓

Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences!

consequences suffer

↓

This is not dignified! Put me down!

↓

Okay, so here's another question.

another question

↓

Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way.

digs woman

↓

How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt,

easy feelings hurt real

↓

but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

burned crisp eaten

↓

You just tell her she's not your true love.

love

↓

Everyone knowest what happens when you find your...

happens

↓

Hey!

↓

The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.

duloc sooner

↓

You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

love princess

↓

And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

farquaad groom lord lord-farquaad

↓

Let me put it this way, Princess.

princess

↓

Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.

short supply

↓

I don't know. There are those who think little of him.

↓

Stop it. Stop it, both of you.

↓

You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

farquaad jealous lord lord-farquaad measure ruler

↓

Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.

princess

↓

But I'll let you do the measuring when you see him tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

Tomorrow? It'll take that long?

itll tomorrow

↓

- Shouldn't we stop to make camp? - No, that'll take longer.

camp longer thatll

↓

- We can keep going. - But there's robbers in the woods.

robbers woods

↓

Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping is starting to sound good.

camping shrek sound starting whoa

↓

Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.

forest

↓

I need to find somewhere to camp now!

camp

↓

- Hey! Over here. - Shrek, we can do better than that.

shrek

↓

I don't think this is fit for a princess.

princess

↓

No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

homey needs perfect touches

↓

Homey touches? Like what?

homey touches

↓

A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

door gentlemen night thee

↓

You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.

bedtime read story

↓

I said good night!

night

↓

Shrek, what are you doing?

shrek

↓

I just... You know... Oh, come on.

↓

I was just kidding.

kidding

↓

And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,

↓

the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.

fields ogre spit three wheat

↓

Right. Yeah.

↓

Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

future stars

↓

The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.

donkey future stars stories

↓

Look there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent.

↓

- You can guess what he's famous for. - I know you're making this up.

famous

↓

No, look. There he is,

↓

and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.

group hunters running stench

↓

That is nothing but a bunch of little dots.

bunch dots

↓

Sometimes things are more than they appear.

appear sometimes

↓

Hmm?

↓

Forget it.

forget

↓

Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?

shrek swamp

↓

Our swamp?

swamp

↓

You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.

princess rescuing

↓

We? Donkey, there's no we. There's no our.

donkey

↓

There's just me and my swamp.

swamp

↓

The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.

build foot land wall

↓

You cut me deep, Shrek.

deep shrek

↓

You cut me real deep just now.

deep real

↓

You know what I think?

↓

I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.

somebody wall whole

↓

- No, do ya think? - Are you hiding something?

hiding

↓

Never mind, Donkey.

donkey mind

↓

Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

another onion

↓

No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.

alone drop

↓

- Why don't you want to talk about it? - Why do you want to?

↓

- Why are you blocking? - I'm not blocking.

blocking

↓

- Oh, yes, you are. - Donkey, I'm warning you.

donkey warning

↓

- Who you trying to keep out? - Everyone! Okay?

↓

Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

↓

Oh! For the love of Pete!

love pete

↓

What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?

problem whole whole-world world

↓

I'm not the one with the problem, okay?

problem

↓

It's the world that seems to have a problem with me.

problem seems world

↓

People take one look at me and go, Aah! Help! Run!

↓

A big, stupid, ugly ogre!

ogre stupid ugly

↓

They judge me before they even know me.

judge

↓

That's why I'm better off alone.

alone

↓

You know what?

↓

When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

ogre stupid ugly

↓

Yeah, I know.

↓

So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

donkeys

↓

Well, there's, um, Gabby,

↓

the Small and Annoying.

annoying

↓

Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

shiny

↓

- That's the moon. - Oh, okay.

moon

↓

Again. Show me again.

↓

Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.

mirror princess

↓

Hmph.

hmph

↓

Ah. Perfect.

perfect

↓

Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.

↓

- Come on, baby. I said I like it. - Donkey, wake up.

baby donkey wake

↓

- Huh? What? - Wake up.

wake

↓

- What? - Good morning.

morning

↓

How do you like your eggs?

eggs

↓

- Good morning, Princess! - What's all this about?

morning princess

↓

We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday.

start yesterday

↓

I wanted to make it up to you.

wanted

↓

After all, you did rescue me.

rescue

↓

Uh, thanks.

thanks

↓

Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

ahead

↓

Shrek!

shrek

↓

What? It's a compliment.

compliment

↓

Better out than in, I always say.

↓

Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.

behave front princess

↓

- Thanks. - She's as nasty as you are.

nasty thanks

↓

You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

expected

↓

Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.

judge

↓

La Liberte! Hey!

↓

Princess!

princess

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Be still, Mon Cherie, for I am your savior!

cherie savior

↓

And I am rescuing you from this green...

green rescuing

↓

- Beast. - Hey!

beast

↓

That's my princess! Go find your own!

princess

↓

Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?

busy monster

↓

Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!

↓

Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude.

course rude

↓

Please let me introduce myself.

introduce

↓

Oh, Merry Men!

merry

↓

Ta, dah, dah, dah, wooh

wooh

↓

I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

needy rich steal

↓

- He takes a wee percentage. - But I'm not greedy

greedy percentage takes

↓

I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good.

rescue

↓

- What a guy, Monsieur Hood. - Break it down.

break hood monsieur

↓

I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid.

fight honest maid saucy

↓

- What he's basically saying is he likes to get... - Paid.

likes paid

↓

- So. - When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush.

bush grabs lady ogre tush

↓

- That's bad. - That's bad.

↓

When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad.

awfully beast makes

↓

He's mad He's really, really mad

↓

I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart.

blade heart

↓

Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start.

boys eyes start

↓

Man, that was annoying!

annoying

↓

Oh, you little...

↓

Um, shall we?

↓

Ho ID the phone.

phone

↓

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- Where did that come from? - What?

↓

That! Back there. That was amazing!

amazing

↓

Where did you learn that?

learn

↓

Well... When one lives alone,

alone lives

↓

uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...

case learn

↓

- There's an arrow in your butt! - What?

arrow butt

↓

- Oh, would you look at that? - Oh, no. This is all my fault.

fault

↓

- I'm so sorry. - Why? What's wrong?

↓

Shrek's hurt.

hurt

↓

Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.

hurt

↓

Donkey, I'm okay.

donkey

↓

You can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die.

young

↓

Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough.

cough elevated head legs

↓

- Does anyone know the Heimlich? - Donkey! Calm down.

calm donkey

↓

If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods

shrek woods

↓

and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

blue blue-flower flower thorns

↓

Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns.

blue blue-flower flower thorns

↓

Don't die, Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

light shrek tunnel

↓

- Donkey! - Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

blue blue-flower donkey flower thorns

↓

- Blue flower, red thorns. - What are the flowers for?

blue blue-flower flower flowers thorns

↓

- For getting rid of Donkey. - Ah.

donkey

↓

Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

yank

↓

Ow! Hey! Easy with the yanking.

easy yanking

↓

- I'm sorry, but it has to come out. - No, it's tender.

tender

↓

Now, hold on.

↓

What you're doing is the opposite of help.

opposite

↓

Don't move.

↓

- Look, time out. - Would you...

↓

Okay. What do you propose we do?

propose

↓

Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.

blue blue-flower flower thorns

↓

Blue flower, red thorns.

blue blue-flower flower thorns

↓

This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind!

blind color easier

↓

- Blue flower, red thorns. - Ow!

blue blue-flower flower thorns

↓

Ho ID on, Shrek! I'm coming!

coming shrek

↓

Ow! Not good.

↓

Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.

head nearly

↓

- It's just about... - Ow! Ohh!

↓

Ahem.

ahem

↓

Nothing happened. We were just, uh...

happened

↓

Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask.

alone wanted

↓

Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind.

mind

↓

The princess here was just... Ugh!

princess

↓

- Ow! - Hey, what's that?

↓

That's... Is that blood?

blood

↓

My beloved monster and me.

beloved monster

↓

We go everywhere together.

↓

Wearing a raincoat that has four sleeves.

four raincoat sleeves wearing

↓

- Gets us through all kinds of weather. - Aah!

kinds weather

↓

She will always be the only thing.

↓

That comes between me and the awful sting.

awful comes sting

↓

That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean.

comes living world

↓

Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh.

↓

Hey!

↓

La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la.

↓

La-la, la-la, la-la.

↓

There it is, Princess.

princess

↓

Your future awaits you.

awaits future

↓

- That's DuLoc? - Yeah, I know.

duloc

↓

You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,

compensating lord shrek thinks

↓

which I think means he has a really... Ow!

↓

Um, I, uh...

↓

- I guess we better move on. - Sure.

↓

But, Shrek?

shrek

↓

I'm... I'm worried about Donkey.

donkey worried

↓

- What? - I mean, look at him.

↓

- He doesn't look so good. - What are you talking about? I'm fine.

↓

That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back.

↓

- Dead. - You know, she's right.

dead

↓

You look awful. Do you want to sit down?

awful

↓

- I'll make you some tea. - I didn't want to say nothing,

↓

but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look.

head neck

↓

Ow! See?

↓

- Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. - I'll get the firewood.

dinner firewood hungry

↓

Hey, where you going? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!

toes

↓

I don't have any toes!

toes

↓

I think I need a hug.

↓

Mmm.

↓

Mmm. This is good. This is really good.

↓

- What is this? - Uh, Weedrat.

↓

Rotisserie style.

style

↓

No kidding.

kidding

↓

Well, this is delicious.

delicious

↓

Well, they're also great in stews.

↓

Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean Weedrat stew.

brag stew

↓

I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

differently dining night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime.

sometime swamp visit

↓

I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you.

cook kinds stuff

↓

Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartar... you name it.

fish name soup swamp toad

↓

I'd like that.

↓

See the pyramids along the Nile.

along

↓

Um, Princess?

princess

↓

- Watch the sun rise from a tropic isle. - Yes, Shrek?

rise shrek watch

↓

- I, um, I was wondering. - Just remember, darling all the while.

darling remember wondering

↓

Are you...

↓

You belong to me.

belong

↓

Are you gonna eat that?

↓

- Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - Sunset?

romantic sunset

↓

Oh, no! I mean, it's late.

late

↓

- I-It's very late. - What?

late

↓

Wait a minute. I see what's going on here.

minute

↓

- You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? - Yes!

afraid dark

↓

Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.

terrified

↓

Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until...

afraid dark princess used

↓

Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

afraid dark

↓

Good night.

night

↓

Good night.

night

↓

Ohh!

↓

Now I really see what's going on here.

↓

Oh, what are you talking about?

↓

I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.

animal instincts

↓

I know you two were digging on each other. I could feel it.

digging

↓

You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

bringing crazy farquaad

↓

Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones.

shrek smell wake

↓

- Just go on in and tell her how you feel. - I...

↓

There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,

besides

↓

well, you know...

↓

and I'm not saying I do 'cause I don't...

↓

she's a princess, and I'm...

princess

↓

An ogre?

ogre

↓

Yeah. An ogre.

ogre

↓

- Hey, where you going? - To get... more firewood.

firewood

↓

Princess?

princess

↓

Princess Fiona?

fiona princess princess-fiona

↓

Princess, where are you?

princess

↓

Princess?

princess

↓

It's very spooky in here. I am not playing no games.

games playing spooky

↓

- Aah! Oh, no! - No, help!

↓

- Shh! - Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! - No, it's okay. It's okay.

shrek shrek-shrek

↓

- What did you do with the princess? - Donkey, I'm the princess.

donkey princess

↓

- Aah! - It's me, in this body.

body

↓

Oh, my God! You ate the princess!

princess

↓

- Can you hear me? - Donkey!

donkey

↓

- Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! - No!

breathing

↓

- Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! - Shh.

shrek shrek-shrek

↓

- Shrek! - This is me.

shrek

↓

Princess?

princess

↓

What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,

happened

↓

uh, different.

↓

- I'm ugly, okay? - Well, yeah!

ugly

↓

Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea.

idea rats shrek

↓

- You are what you eat, I said. Now... - No.

↓

I... I've been this way as long as I can remember.

remember

↓

What do you mean? Look, I am not never seen you like this before.

seen

↓

It only happens when the sun goes down.

happens

↓

By night one way, by day another.

another night

↓

This shall be the norm...

norm

↓

until you find true love's first kiss...

kiss loves

↓

and then take love's true form.

form loves

↓

Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

poetry wrote

↓

It's a spell.

spell

↓

When I was a little girl,

girl

↓

a witch cast a spell on me.

cast spell witch

↓

Every night I become this.

become night

↓

This horrible, ugly beast!

beast horrible ugly

↓

I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me.

await love placed rescue tower

↓

That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow...

farquaad lord lord-farquaad marry tomorrow

↓

before the sun sets and he sees me...

sees sets

↓

like this.

↓

All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad.

calm

↓

You're not that ugly. Well, I am not gonna lie. You are ugly.

ugly

↓

But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.

night ugly

↓

But, Donkey, I'm a princess,

donkey princess

↓

and this is not how a princess is meant to look.

meant princess

↓

Princess, how about if you don't marry Farquaad?

farquaad marry princess

↓

I have to.

↓

Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

break kiss loves spell

↓

But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre,

ogre

↓

and Shrek... well, you got a lot in common.

common shrek

↓

Shrek?

shrek

↓

Princess, I... Uh, how's it going, first of all?

princess

↓

Good? Um, good for me too.

↓

I'm okay.

↓

I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and...

flower

↓

well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty.

might

↓

But I like you anyway. I'd... uh, uh...

↓

I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.

trouble

↓

I can't just marry whoever I want.

marry

↓

Take a good look at me, Donkey.

donkey

↓

I mean, really,

↓

who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?

beast hideous love ugly

↓

Princess and ugly don't go together.

princess ugly

↓

That's why I can't stay here with Shrek.

shrek

↓

My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my truelove.

chance happily live marry

↓

Don't you see, Donkey?

donkey

↓

That's just how it has to be.

↓

It's the only way to break the spell.

break spell

↓

- You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. - No!

least shrek truth

↓

You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

breathe must word

↓

What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?

able point secrets

↓

Promise you won't tell. Promise!

promise

↓

All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should.

↓

I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.

serious therapy whole

↓

Look at my eye twitching.

↓

I tell him, I tell him not.

↓

I tell him, I tell him not.

↓

I tell him.

↓

Shrek!

shrek

↓

Shrek, there's something I want...

shrek

↓

Shrek.

shrek

↓

- Are you all right? - Perfect!

perfect

↓

Never been better.

↓

I... I don't... There's something I have to tell you.

↓

You don't have to tell me anything, Princess.

princess

↓

- I heard enough last night. - You heard what I said?

heard night

↓

Every word.

word

↓

I thought you'd understand.

↓

Oh, I understand.

↓

Like you said, Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?

beast hideous love ugly

↓

But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

matter

↓

Yeah? Well, it does.

↓

Ah, right on time.

↓

Princess, I've brought you a little something.

brought princess

↓

What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

miss whatd

↓

Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.

donkey

↓

Princess Fiona.

fiona princess princess-fiona

↓

As promised. Now hand it over.

hand promised

↓

Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.

agreed cleared deed ogre swamp

↓

Take it and go before I change my mind.

change mind

↓

Forgive me, Princess, for startling you,

forgive princess

↓

but you startled me,

startled

↓

for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before.

beauty seen

↓

I am Lord Farquaad.

farquaad lord lord-farquaad

↓

Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.

farquaad lord lord-farquaad

↓

Forgive me, my Lord, for I was just saying...

forgive lord

↓

a short... farewell.

farewell short

↓

That is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre.

manners ogre sweet waste

↓

It's not like it has feelings.

feelings

↓

No, you're right. It doesn't.

↓

Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona.

fair fiona flawless princess princess-fiona

↓

I ask your hand in marriage.

hand marriage

↓

Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

bride groom perfect

↓

Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...

accept farquaad lord lord-farquaad

↓

Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

excellent plans start tomorrow

↓

No! I mean, uh,

↓

why wait?

↓

Let's get married today before the sun sets.

married sets today

↓

Oh, anxious, are we? You're right.

anxious

↓

The sooner, the better. There's so much to do!

sooner

↓

There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list.

band cake guest guest-list list

↓

Captain, round up some guests!

captain guests round

↓

Fare-thee-well, ogre.

fare ogre thee

↓

Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.

letting shrek

↓

Yeah? So what?

↓

Shrek, there's something about her you don't know.

shrek

↓

Look, I talked to her last night. She's...

night talked

↓

I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya?

night pals talked

↓

Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?

follow friends home

↓

Shrek, I... I wanna go with you.

shrek

↓

I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me.

coming coming-home home

↓

I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else!

alone live live-alone nobody swamp

↓

Understand? Nobody!

nobody

↓

Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!

annoying donkeys especially pathetic useless

↓

- But I thought... - Yeah. You know what?

↓

You thought wrong!

↓

Shrek.

shrek

↓

I heard there was a secret chord.

heard secret

↓

That David played and it pleased the Lord.

david lord played pleased

↓

But you don't really care for music, do ya.

care music

↓

It goes like this the fourth, the fifth.

fifth fourth

↓

The minor fall the major lift.

fall lift major minor

↓

The baffled king composing hallelujah.

hallelujah king

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Baby, I've been here before

baby

↓

I know this room I've walked this floor

floor room walked

↓

I used to live alone before I knew you

alone live live-alone used

↓

I've seen your flag on the marble arch.

arch flag marble seen

↓

But love is not a victory march.

love march victory

↓

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

broken cold hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

And all I ever learned from love

learned love

↓

I show to shoot at someone.

shoot

↓

Who outdrew you.

↓

And it's not a cry you can hear at night.

night

↓

It's not somebody who's seen the light.

light seen somebody

↓

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

broken cold hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Hallelujah.

hallelujah

↓

Donkey?

donkey

↓

What are you doing?

↓

I would think, of all people, you would recognise a wall when you see one.

recognise wall

↓

Well, yeah.

↓

But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.

supposed swamp walls

↓

It is around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.

half

↓

Oh! Your half. Hmm.

half

↓

Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.

half helped princess rescue

↓

I did half the work, I get half the Booty.

booty half

↓

Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.

hand head rock

↓

- Back off! - No, you back off.

↓

- This is my swamp! - Our swamp.

swamp

↓

- Let go, Donkey! - You let go.

donkey

↓

- Stubborn jackass! - Smelly ogre.

jackass ogre smelly stubborn

↓

Fine!

↓

Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

↓

Well, I'm through with you.

↓

Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, Me, me, me!

↓

Well, guess what! Now it's my turn!

↓

So you just shut up and pay attention!

attention

↓

You are mean to me.

↓

You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do!

appreciate insult

↓

You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.

pushing

↓

Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?

treated

↓

Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

forgive friends

↓

Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey.

donkey

↓

I forgive you... for stabbing me in the back!

forgive stabbing

↓

Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.

afraid feelings layers onion wrapped

↓

- Go away! - There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona.

fiona

↓

All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

love

↓

Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature.

creature hideous love ugly

↓

I heard the two of you talking.

heard

↓

She wasn't talking about you.

↓

She was talking about, uh, somebody else.

somebody

↓

She wasn't talking about me?

↓

Well, then who was she talking about?

↓

Uh-uh, no way. I am not saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me.

↓

- Right? Right? - Donkey!

donkey

↓

- No! - Okay, look.

↓

I'm sorry, all right?

↓

Hmph.

hmph

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.

ogre stupid ugly

↓

Can you forgive me?

forgive

↓

Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

friends

↓

Right. Friends?

friends

↓

Friends.

friends

↓

So, um,

↓

what did Fiona say about me?

fiona

↓

What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

asking

↓

The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

wedding

↓

Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way,

fear

↓

and I have a way.

↓

Donkey?

donkey

↓

I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

animal

↓

Aw, come here, you.

↓

All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery.

↓

No one likes a kiss ass.

kiss likes

↓

All right, hop on and hold on tight.

tight

↓

I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet.

belts chance install seat

↓

Wooh!

wooh

↓

People of DuLoc,

duloc

↓

we gather here today...

gather today

↓

to bear witness...

bear witness

↓

- to the union... - Um...

union

↓

- of our new king... - Excuse me.

excuse king

↓

Could we just skip ahead to the I do's?

ahead skip

↓

Go on.

↓

Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that?

ahead fun go-ahead whistle

↓

Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute!

minute shrek

↓

- You wanna do this right, don't you? - What are you talking about?

↓

There's a line you gotta wait for.

line

↓

The preacher's gonna say, Speak now or forever hold your peace.

forever peace speak

↓

- That's when you say, I object! - I don't have time for this!

object

↓

Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!

↓

- Look, you love this woman, don't you? - Yes.

love woman

↓

- You wanna hold her? - Yes.

↓

- Please her? - Yes!

↓

Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness.

↓

- The chicks love that romantic crap! - All right! Cut it out.

chicks love romantic

↓

- When does this guy say the line? - We gotta check it out.

check line

↓

And so, by the power vested in me,

power power-vested vested

↓

- What do you see? - The whole town's in there.

towns whole

↓

- I now pronounce you husband and wife, - They're at the altar.

husband pronounce wife

↓

- King and queen. - Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

fletcher king mother queen

↓

Oh, for the love of Pete!

love pete

↓

I object!

object

↓

Shrek?

shrek

↓

Oh, now what does he want?

↓

Hi, everyone. Having a good time, are ya?

having

↓

I love DuLoc, first of all.

duloc love

↓

- Very clean. - What are you doing here?

clean

↓

Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you,

alive rude wants

↓

- but showing up uninvited to a wedding... - Fiona!

fiona showing uninvited wedding

↓

- I need to talk to you. - Oh, now you wanna talk?

↓

It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...

excuse late

↓

- But you can't marry him. - And why not?

marry

↓

Because... Because he's just marrying you so he can be king.

king marrying

↓

Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.

fiona outrageous

↓

- He's not your true love. - And what do you know about true love?

love

↓

Well, I... Uh...

↓

- I mean... - Oh, this is precious.

precious

↓

The ogre has fallen in love with the princess!

fallen love ogre princess

↓

Oh, good Lord.

lord

↓

An ogre and a princess!

ogre princess

↓

Shrek, is this true?

shrek

↓

Who cares? It's preposterous!

cares preposterous

↓

Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our happily ever after.

fiona happily kiss love

↓

Now kiss me! Mmmm!

kiss mmmm

↓

By night one way, by day another.

another night

↓

I wanted to show you before.

wanted

↓

Well, uh,

↓

that explains a lot.

explains

↓

Ugh! It's disgusting!

disgusting

↓

Guards! Guards!

guards

↓

I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them!

order sight

↓

- Get them both! - No, no!

↓

This hocus-pocus alters nothing.

↓

Marriage is binding, and that makes me king!

binding king makes marriage

↓

- See? See? - No, let go of me! Shrek!

shrek

↓

- No! - Don't just stand there, you morons.

morons stand

↓

Get out of my way! Fiona!

fiona

↓

Arrgh!

arrgh

↓

I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered!

drawn regret

↓

- You'll beg for death to save you! - No! Shrek!

death save shrek

↓

- And as for you, my wife, - Fiona!

fiona wife

↓

I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

days locked rest tower

↓

I am king!

king

↓

I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have...

order perfection

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

- Aah! - All right. Nobody move.

nobody

↓

I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it.

afraid dragon

↓

I'm a donkey on the edge!

donkey edge

↓

Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

celebrity

↓

Go ahead, Shrek.

ahead go-ahead shrek

↓

Uh, Fiona?

fiona

↓

Yes, Shrek?

shrek

↓

I... I love you.

love

↓

Really?

↓

Really, really.

↓

I love you too.

love

↓

Aawww!

↓

Until you find truelove's first kiss...

kiss

↓

and then take love's true form.

form loves

↓

Take love's true form. Take love's true form.

form loves

↓

Fiona?

fiona

↓

Fiona.

fiona

↓

Are you all right?

↓

Well, yes.

↓

But I don't understand.

↓

I'm supposed to be beautiful.

supposed

↓

But you are beautiful.

↓

I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

ending happy happy-ending hoping

↓

I thought love was only true in fairy tales

fairy love tales

↓

Oy!

↓

Meant for someone else but not for me.

meant

↓

Love was out to get me.

love

↓

That's the way it seemed.

seemed

↓

Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

disappointment dreams haunted

↓

And then I saw her face.

face

↓

Now I'm a believer.

believer

↓

And not a trace.

trace

↓

Of doubt in my mind.

doubt mind

↓

- I'm in love. - Ooh-ahh.

love

↓

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her.

believer

↓

If I tried

tried

↓

God bless us, every one.

bless

↓

Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face Ha-ha!

face yall

↓

Now I'm a believer Listen!

believer

↓

Not a trace.

trace

↓

Of doubt in my mind

doubt mind

↓

I'm in love Ooh-ahh

love

↓

I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried.

believer tried

↓

- Ooh! - Uh!

↓

Then I saw her face.

face

↓

Now I'm a believer Hey!

believer

↓

Not a trace Uhh! Yeah.

trace

↓

Of doubt in my mind One more time!

doubt mind

↓

I'm in love I'm a believer.

believer love

↓

Come on!

↓

I believe, I believe I believe, I believe

believe

↓

I believe, I believe I believe, I believe, I believe, hey.

believe

↓

Y'all sing it with me! I.

sing yall

↓

Believe

believe

↓

I believe People in the back!

believe

↓

- I believe. - I'm a believer

believe believer

↓

I believe

believe

↓

I believe

believe

↓

I believe.

believe

↓

Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.

funny

↓

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

breathe

↓

I believe in self-assertion.

believe self

↓

Destiny or as light diversion.

destiny diversion light

↓

Now it seems I've got my head on straight.

head seems straight

↓

I'm a freak an apparition.

freak

↓

Seems I've made the right decision.

decision seems

↓

To try to turn back now it might be too late.

late might

↓

- I want to stay home today. - Don't wanna go out.

home home-today today

↓

- If anyone comes to play. - Gonna get thrown out.

comes thrown

↓

- I wanna stay home today. - Don't want no company.

company home home-today today

↓

No way.

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

I wanna be a millionaire some day.

millionaire

↓

But know what it feels like to give it away.

feels

↓

Watch me march to the beat of my own drum.

beat drum march watch

↓

And it's off to the moon and then back again.

moon

↓

Same old day Same situation.

situation

↓

My happiness rears back as if to say.

happiness

↓

- I wanna stay home today. - Don't wanna go out.

home home-today today

↓

- If anyone comes my way. - Gonna get thrown out.

comes thrown

↓

- I wanna stay home today. - Don't want no company.

company home home-today today

↓

No way.

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

I wanna stay home stay home, stay home.

home

↓

- I wanna stay home today. - Don't wanna go out.

home home-today today

↓

- If anyone comes to play. - Gonna get thrown out.

comes thrown

↓

I wanna stay home today.

home home-today today

↓

Don't want no company No way.

company

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

I get such a thrill when you looking my eyes.

eyes looking thrill

↓

My heart skips a beat Girl, I feel so alive.

alive beat girl heart skips

↓

Please tell me, baby if all this is true.

baby

↓

'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you.

deep wanted

↓

Oh-oh-oh Makes me wanna dance.

dance makes

↓

Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance.

romance

↓

Oh-oh-oh I look into your eyes.

eyes

↓

Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives.

best best-years lives years

↓

When we first met I could hardly believe.

believe hardly

↓

The things that would happen and we could achieve.

achieve happen

↓

So let's be together for all of our time.

↓

Oh, girl, I'm so thankful that you are still mine.

girl thankful

↓

You always consider me like an ugly duckling.

consider ugly

↓

And treat me like a Nostradamus was why I had to get my shine on.

shine treat

↓

I break a little something to keep my mind on.

break mind

↓

'Cause you had my mind gone Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh.

gone mind

↓

Turn the lights on, Come on, baby Let's just rewind the song.

baby lights rewind song

↓

'Cause all I want to do is make the rest years the best years.

best best-years rest years

↓

All night long.

night

↓

- Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance. - Makes me wanna dance.

dance makes

↓

- Oh-oh-oh, it's a new romance. - It's a new romance.

romance

↓

- Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

eyes

↓

- Look into your eyes. - Oh-oh-oh.

eyes

↓

- The best years of our lives. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

best best-years lives years

↓

- Oh-oh-oh, makes me wanna dance. - Whoa-oh-oh, dance, yeah.

dance makes whoa

↓

Oh-oh-oh It's a new romance.

romance

↓

- Oh-oh-oh, I look into your eyes. - Look into your eyes, yeah.

eyes

↓

Oh-oh-oh The best years of our lives.

best best-years lives years

↓

Everything looks bright.

bright

↓

Standing in your light.

light standing

↓

Everything feels right.

feels

↓

What's left is out of sight.

left sight

↓

What's a girl to do I'm telling you, you're on my mind.

girl mind telling

↓

I wanna be with you.

↓

'Cause when you're standing next to me.

standing

↓

It's like wow.

↓

And all your kisses seem to set me free.

free kisses

↓

It's like wow.

↓

And when we touch it's such a rush, I can't get enough.

rush touch

↓

It's like... It's like Ooh-ooh.

↓

Hey, what.

↓

It's like wow Ooh-ooh, hey.

↓

Hey, yeah It's like wow.

↓

Everything is looking right now, right now.

looking

↓

- It's like wow. - And I got this feeling.

feeling

↓

This feeling it's just like wow.

feeling

↓

It's just like wow.

↓

- You are all I'm thinking of. - Like wow.

thinking

↓

Everything feels right Everything feels right.

feels

↓

- Like wow. - Everything looks bright.

bright

↓

All my senses are right.

senses

↓

- Like wow. - Everything feels right.

feels

↓

Baby, baby, baby the way I'm feeling you.

baby baby-baby baby-baby-baby feeling

↓

Is like wow

↓

There is something that I see.

↓

In the way you look at me.

↓

There's a smile There's a truth.

smile truth

↓

In your eyes.

eyes

↓

What an unexpected way.

unexpected

↓

On this unexpected day.

unexpected

↓

Could it be.

↓

This is where I belong.

belong

↓

It is you I have loved.

loved

↓

All along.

along

↓

There's no more mystery.

mystery

↓

It is finally clear to me.

clear finally

↓

You're the home my heart's searched for.

hearts home searched

↓

So long.

↓

It is you I have loved.

loved

↓

All along.

along

↓

Whoa, over and over.

whoa

↓

I'm filled with emotion.

emotion filled

↓

As I look.

↓

Into your perfect face

face perfect