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Home » Saving Silverman » S01E01 — Saving Silverman

Saving Silverman

Season 1, Episode 1 — Saving Silverman

↓

(CROWD CHEERING)

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond PLAYING)

diamond diamond-playing holly holly-holy holy neil neil-diamond neil-diamond-playing playing

↓

NEIL DIAMOND: * Sing, sing a song

diamond neil neil-diamond sing song

↓

* Sing a song of songs

sing song songs

↓

* Sing it out

sing

↓

* Sing it strong

sing strong

↓

* Yeah

↓

* Honey, yeah

honey

↓

* Call the sun in the dead of the night

dead night

↓

* And the sun's gonna rise in the sky *

rise suns

↓

Neil Diamond, Hot August Night, 1972.

august diamond neil neil-diamond night

↓

That concert rocked. And rolled.

concert rocked rolled

↓

I know, 'cause I was there.

↓

(CROWD CHEERING)

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

(WATER SPLASHING) That's me.

splashing water

↓

My water broke.

broke water

↓

WAYNE: Ever since then I've had this cosmic connection with Neil.

connection cosmic neil wayne

↓

But this story isn't about Neil.

neil story

↓

It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.

darren pals

↓

Best friends since fifth grade.

best best-friends fifth fifth-grade friends grade

↓

That's J.D.

↓

He's lactose intolerant.

intolerant lactose lactose-intolerant

↓

(GAGGING)

gagging

↓

(KIDS GROANING)

groaning kids

↓

And he's not very bright.

bright

↓

Uh, that's Darren Silverman.

darren

↓

He's the romantic.

romantic

↓

But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.

comes gullible incredibly women

↓

(EXCLAIMS)

exclaims

↓

(ALL LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

WAYNE: That's me, Wayne.

wayne

↓

I'm loyal to my friends.

friends loyal

↓

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat you up.

beat girl

↓

Me, too!

↓

CHILDREN: Ooh!

children

↓

(GRUNTS) Don't!

grunts

↓

(ALL SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

(SCREAMS)

screams

↓

WAYNE: After that, I started working out.

started started-working wayne working

↓

We stayed best friends throughout high school.

best best-friends friends school stayed throughout

↓

Yep, I was the third-string quarterback.

quarterback string third

↓

(SQUAWKS)

↓

J.D. became the school mascot.

became mascot school

↓

* Hey, what you say?

↓

* I don't remember that I hear you

remember

↓

* Yeah, yeah, you, yeah, you, yeah, you, yeah, you *

↓

WAYNE: And Darren joined the cheerleading squad.

darren joined squad wayne

↓

(CHEERING)

cheering

↓

(DARREN WHOOPING)

darren whooping

↓

Uh, that's Sandy.

sandy

↓

Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her.

darrens

↓

CHEERLEADERS: When you're up against the Warbird,

cheerleaders

↓

you're upside down!

upside

↓

WAYNE: Oh, that's Coach Norton.

coach wayne

↓

He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things.

influence lives taught

↓

Two things you got to remember, boys.

boys remember

↓

Number one, stay away from women.

number women

↓

All they want from you is your man juice.

juice

↓

Now, if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor,

hard liquor urges

↓

use this.

↓

WAYNE: Oh, and number two?

number wayne

↓

Sportsmanship! Sportsmanship!

sportsmanship

↓

(GRUNTING) COACH: Sportsmanship!

coach grunting sportsmanship

↓

(GROANING)

groaning

↓

Healy! You fairy wimp fruit bag!

fairy fruit

↓

You suck!

suck

↓

Lefessier! Get out there!

↓

I just gotta get my helmet.

helmet

↓

Hey, guys! Guys... Guys, I'm in!

↓

(BOTH WHOOPING) He's in! Wayne!

wayne whooping

↓

Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!

wayne

↓

(SHOUTS)

shouts

↓

(SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

Hike!

hike

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

Oh!

↓

But now we're all grown up.

grown

↓

(WHOOPING)

whooping

↓

J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.

ladder rapidly subway working

↓

Recently, he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.

assistant assistant-manager charge manager promoted recently second temporary training

↓

Okay McNugent, let's see what you got.

↓

Sir.

↓

I've been working with these guys for eight weeks.

eight weeks working

↓

I'm proud to present to you the future of Subway sandwiches.

future present proud sandwiches subway

↓

(SNAPS FINGERS) Belston.

fingers snaps snaps-fingers

↓

Three sizes of bevi are small, medium and what?

medium sizes three

↓

Uh...

↓

Big?

↓

Come on, like we practiced. You can do this.

practiced

↓

L...

↓

L...

↓

L...

↓

L...

↓

Long!

↓

Hmm. Okay, we'll come back to you.

↓

Sir, this guy's my stinkiest student by far.

student

↓

Trimble, let's see you sub.

↓

No. No. Meat on the inside. Bread on the outside.

bread meat

↓

Okay, take it away.

↓

Take it away. Take it away.

↓

J.D.: Take it away!

↓

Uh, don't judge me on those two guys.

judge

↓

This next guy is my protégé.

↓

He's top of his class,

class

↓

and for his thesis, he made a party sub.

party

↓

Heston, where's the party sub?

party

↓

(BELCHES)

belches

↓

WAYNE: Darren is the social director at a retirement home.

darren director home retirement retirement-home social wayne

↓

"D-17."

↓

Bingo.

bingo

↓

Bingo.

bingo

↓

Abe, pull your pants up or no more Matlock.

pants pull

↓

Oh!

↓

(HORN HONKS) Yoo-hoo!

honks horn horn-honks

↓

Good mornin'.

mornin

↓

WAYNE: And, uh, I started my own business.

business started wayne

↓

WAYNE: Okay, what are we dealin' with here?

wayne

↓

I don't know what it is, but it sounds big.

sounds

↓

(TWITTERING)

↓

WAYNE: Stay back. I'm goin' in.

goin wayne

↓

Careful, sonny.

careful

↓

Hey, so you're causin' all this trouble, huh?

trouble

↓

Come here. Hey there.

↓

(TWITTERING) Hello.

↓

(COOING) You poor little thing, yeah.

poor

↓

Here's your ferocious beast.

beast

↓

Who is your mommy?

mommy

↓

(BOTH SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

(YELPS)

yelps

↓

Is it dead?

dead

↓

No, but she is in one deep coon coma.

coma deep

↓

(SNARLING)

snarling

↓

(SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

Oh!

↓

Don't! Don't! Stop it!

↓

WAYNE: But we all have one mystical thing in common,

common wayne

↓

our love for Neil.

love neil

↓

That's our band, Diamonds in the Rough.

band diamonds rough

↓

(SINGING CHERRY, CHERRY)

cherry singing

↓

ALL: * Cherry, baby, she got the way to groove me

baby cherry groove

↓

* No, we won't tell a soul where we gone to *

gone soul

↓

(LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

* Girl, we do whatever we want to

girl

↓

* Ah, I love the way that you do me

love

↓

* Cherry, babe, you really get to me

babe cherry

↓

* She got the way to move me, Cherry

cherry

↓

BOTH: * She got the way to groove me

groove

↓

ALL: * She got the way to move me

↓

* Cherry, baby * She got the way to groove me *

baby cherry groove

↓

(SHOUTS)

shouts

↓

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

applauding crowd

↓

Hi. Hi.

↓

Hey, uh, I'm Darren.

darren

↓

Sophie.

↓

I was wondering, maybe do you want to grab a drink with me?

drink grab wondering

↓

I'm sorry, I'm involved.

involved

↓

With a real entertainer.

real

↓

(LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

I can't believe I got blown off again.

believe blown

↓

I'm never gonna find the right girl.

girl

↓

Dude, you don't want a chick who would fuck a mime.

chick fuck mime

↓

Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway?

having mime

↓

It's probably like, "Oh, oh, I'm a mime.

mime

↓

"I'm a mime."

mime

↓

Hey. Mimes don't talk.

↓

They do when they're off duty.

duty

↓

It's not her. It's... It's all women.

women

↓

I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.

afraid nobody

↓

The only girl I ever loved walked out of my life years ago.

girl life loved walked years

↓

Sandy Perkus.

perkus sandy sandy-perkus

↓

DARREN: Remember her?

darren remember

↓

Her family was with the circus.

circus family

↓

Her dad was the strong man.

strong

↓

Her mom was the bearded lady.

bearded lady

↓

And her brother was the dogfaced boy.

brother

↓

Bye, Darren!

darren

↓

DARREN: Before I could muster the courage to ask her out, she moved away.

courage darren moved muster

↓

Remember?

remember

↓

You know, guys, I truly believe

believe truly

↓

that there is a one-and-only someone for everyone.

↓

And Sandy.

sandy

↓

Sandy Perkus...

perkus sandy sandy-perkus

↓

Was my one and only.

↓

Man, that is really romantic.

romantic

↓

Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass.

juicy piece

↓

( BUTTERFLY by Crazy Town PLAYING)

butterfly crazy playing town

↓

WAYNE: What do you think of her?

wayne

↓

Who? Right there.

↓

DARREN: In the red? Oh.

darren

↓

Yeah, she's gorgeous. Go talk to her.

gorgeous

↓

No. Okay, I'll do it for you.

↓

What? Hey, wait!

↓

DARREN: Wayne!

darren wayne

↓

Hi! I'm Wayne.

wayne

↓

No!

↓

No, you don't understand. I'm not hittin' on ya.

hittin

↓

Back off.

↓

I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.

buddy darren

↓

He's smart. He's sensitive. I don't care.

care sensitive smart

↓

I think he'd make a wonderful husband. I don't want to meet him.

husband meet

↓

Great!

↓

Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. Really?

cute thinks wants

↓

Yeah, she's like, "I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.

excited meet

↓

Are you sure?

↓

Totally. Get down there and make your move.

↓

Oh, I don't know.

↓

WAYNE: Come on! You can do it!

wayne

↓

Carpe poon!

↓

Really?

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay, I'll do it.

↓

WAYNE: All right!

wayne

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes.

↓

Hi!

↓

I'm Darren.

darren

↓

Darren. My, uh...

darren

↓

My friend said you wanted to meet me.

friend meet wanted

↓

He lied.

lied

↓

(CHUCKLING) That's, uh, that's a good one.

chuckling

↓

(CHUCKLES) No, seriously, I don't want to meet you.

chuckles meet

↓

Well, um, my friend must have been mistaken.

friend mistaken must

↓

I'm really sorry to bother you.

bother

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

Let me guess.

↓

That jerk tried to get in your pants with some tacky pickup line.

jerk line pants pickup tacky tried

↓

I'm not like that. I use magic.

magic

↓

(EXCLAIMS)

exclaims

↓

Beat it, baldy.

beat

↓

Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that.

crowd stuff tough

↓

I have here two ordinary metal rings.

metal ordinary rings

↓

You, me.

↓

Hello. Hello. I "ruv" you.

↓

Sorry. I forgot my beer.

beer forgot

↓

This is my boyfriend, Darren, so hit the bricks, porky.

boyfriend bricks darren

↓

Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.

darren meet

↓

Satan.

satan

↓

I'm really sorry about hitting on you before, I...

hitting

↓

You should be. I am. I am.

↓

I just... I wasn't thinking, and, um...

thinking

↓

You're so beautiful, and I, um...

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

So make up for it. Buy me a drink.

drink

↓

Yeah, okay. I'll have a scotch.

scotch

↓

Excuse me. Can you give the lady a scotch,

excuse lady scotch

↓

and I'll have another beer.

another another-beer beer

↓

Oh, he'll have a gin and tonic. Make that a gin and tonic.

tonic

↓

WAITER: You got it.

waiter

↓

Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?

believe hooked hotties queen

↓

Hey, they're just havin' a drink together.

drink havin

↓

It's not like they're goin' steady or anything.

goin steady

↓

Right.

↓

DARREN: It's midnight. Know what that means?

darren midnight

↓

No. What?

↓

It's our six-week anniversary.

anniversary week

↓

Oh.

↓

Did you get me anything?

↓

No.

↓

That's okay. That's okay. No big deal.

deal

↓

But... I...

↓

Got you a little something.

↓

Thanks. That's really nice.

thanks

↓

You know, I, I... I've been thinking.

thinking

↓

(STAMMERING) We've been...

stammering

↓

Well, we've been together for a while now,

↓

and it seems like maybe it's time

seems

↓

we get a little... A little more intimate.

intimate

↓

Are you saying you want to have sex?

↓

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

↓

I don't believe in premarital sex.

believe

↓

I'd rather not cheapen what we have together.

↓

Of course. Of course not. Me neither.

course

↓

So I think it's best to wait. I think you're right.

best

↓

I think... I mean, you're...

↓

It's best. Yeah.

best

↓

But that doesn't mean that we can't

↓

pleasure each other in other ways.

pleasure ways

↓

I got ya!

↓

Ho! I got ya!

↓

Yeah, but... What?

↓

(MOANS)

moans

↓

That was really great.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

So, um...

↓

That got me pretty excited.

excited

↓

That's nice.

↓

I mean, I... I wouldn't mind if...

mind

↓

Someone did that to me.

↓

Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh, God, I would love to but I can't.

love

↓

I have very, very sensitive...

sensitive

↓

Gums.

gums

↓

Oh!

↓

It's... You have gums? It's, um...

gums

↓

It's a medical condition?

condition medical

↓

Mmm-hmm. No, I wouldn't want to

↓

cause you any pain, baby, no.

baby pain

↓

You're so sweet.

sweet

↓

You know, there are other ways to...

ways

↓

Give me pleasure without using your mouth.

mouth pleasure using

↓

Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry.

inconsiderate

↓

(CHUCKLING) No, that's... That's fine. That's fine.

chuckling

↓

Have fun.

fun

↓

Watch your head. This place is a dump.

dump head place watch

↓

I really don't want to do this.

↓

No. No, come on. It's gonna be great.

↓

It's our Sunday ritual, and I want you to be part of it.

part ritual sunday

↓

I want you to get to know these guys.

↓

You're gonna love 'em, honey. You're gonna love 'em.

honey love

↓

Yeah! Buddy! What's up, dude?

buddy

↓

What's up, J.D.?

↓

Judy, awesome to meet you.

awesome judy meet

↓

Judith.

judith

↓

Judith.

judith

↓

And a beer bong for the lady?

beer bong lady

↓

Uh, no.

↓

Totally cool. No peer pressure.

cool peer pressure

↓

(CHOKING)

choking

↓

Judith rules!

judith rules

↓

Sorry. Come on in.

↓

Dude, Darren. Check it out, chewy.

check chewy darren

↓

(GROANING) Yo.

groaning

↓

You want a drink? Hey, man.

drink

↓

Um, scotch on the rocks.

rocks scotch

↓

No problem, you want ice with that?

problem

↓

I'll help him. I'll help you with that.

↓

Hey, Judith, can I give you the grand tour? Uh, sure.

grand judith tour

↓

Let's start right here in the Hall O' Neil.

hall neil start

↓

This is Neil, '74. Uh, check this out.

check neil

↓

This is a set list from the millennium concert. Look.

concert list millennium

↓

Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.

neil signed

↓

Looks like a Xerox.

↓

No. This cost a lot of money.

cost money

↓

Check this out. I think you got taken.

check taken

↓

Ready? This shirt... Phew!

phew ready shirt

↓

Was worn by Neil...

neil worn

↓

( SWEET CAROLINE by Neil Diamond INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING)

caroline diamond instrumental neil neil-diamond playing sweet

↓

In concert.

concert

↓

Check it out. We snuck backstage,

backstage check snuck

↓

and totally stole it from him while he was takin' a whiz.

stole takin whiz

↓

Well, in my profession, we call your obsession with Neil Diamond

diamond neil neil-diamond obsession profession

↓

a delusional projection fantasy.

delusional fantasy

↓

Yeah, sure,

↓

but he's America's greatest songwriter, and he's our hero.

americas greatest hero songwriter

↓

And he's playin' the forum in two weeks. Yeah.

forum playin weeks

↓

Of course, we can't go 'cause of the whole, you know,

course whole

↓

restraining order thing.

order restraining restraining-order

↓

(CROWD CHEERING)

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

Neil, I love you!

love neil

↓

(SHOUTS) Come here! You again!

shouts

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

(CROWD GASPS)

crowd crowd-gasps gasps

↓

Neil! Neil! Neil!

neil

↓

Neil, hey! Where ya goin'?

goin neil

↓

I wanna party with you! I wanna party with you!

party

↓

Right. Game's on. Game's on!

games

↓

(BOTH SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

What? (WHISPERS) I want to leave.

whispers

↓

Sweetheart, we just got here.

sweetheart

↓

These guys are pigs.

pigs

↓

Come on. No, they're...they're not that...

↓

Hey. Hey! What are you doin'?

doin

↓

Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

nachos stuck

↓

Uh, okay, look, why don't we just stay for a little bit?

↓

Just a little while, huh?

↓

Oh, take mine. Take mine. Take mine.

↓

Give her the old sweep-a-roo.

sweep

↓

Yep, old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together.

games

↓

Enjoy.

enjoy

↓

Let me help you with her.

↓

She's got multiple reclining positions.

multiple positions

↓

That's okay. I can just sit forward.

forward

↓

Nah, that's all right. It's a little stuck.

stuck

↓

No, no, it's fine. Takes a little muscle.

muscle takes

↓

(GROANING) Come on, you fuckin' piece of shit.

fuckin groaning piece

↓

I don't need... I prefer... I got it. It's no trouble.

prefer trouble

↓

(SCREAMS)

screams

↓

(ALL CLAMORING)

clamoring

↓

I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.

happens hardly

↓

(SOBBING) J.D.: You know what? I think it's... Yep.

sobbing

↓

It's the lug nut. Fixed it.

fixed fixed-it lug-nut

↓

Please, have a seat.

seat

↓

I'll stand.

stand

↓

I'm a...

↓

Sorry.

↓

Get me something. Yeah.

↓

(GASPS)

gasps

↓

So Darren tells me you're a psychologist?

darren psychologist tells

↓

That's right.

↓

It's interesting. I'm in a related field.

field interesting related

↓

Really? What's that?

↓

Pest and rodent removal.

pest removal rodent

↓

How is that related?

related

↓

We both help people.

↓

While you help them deal with their emotional and intellectual needs,

deal emotional intellectual needs

↓

I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish...

protect

↓

He launched it. All right, touchdown!

touchdown

↓

(BOTH CHEERING)

cheering

↓

(SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

(TIRES SCREECHING)

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren.

darren wayne

↓

What? But they're my best friends.

best best-friends friends

↓

You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band.

band bullshit friends quitting

↓

I know you're upset. I... I do,

upset

↓

but I'm not dropping Wayne and J.D.,

dropping wayne

↓

and I'm not quitting the band.

band quitting

↓

Okay, fine, no more sex.

↓

What?

↓

You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.

allowed month

↓

No, Judith, please...

judith

↓

Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.

masturbation privileges

↓

( CHERRY, CHERRY by Neil Diamond PLAYING)

cherry diamond diamond-playing neil neil-diamond neil-diamond-playing playing

↓

* My baby is loving me, yes, yes, she does

baby loving

↓

* Oh, she tells me all the time, oh, Cherry

cherry tells

↓

* All the time

↓

* She says she's going to be showing me tonight

showing tonight

↓

* Oh, Cherry, what are you going to show me?

cherry

↓

* Oh, baby

baby

↓

* You got the way to be moving me, oh, Cherry, baby *

baby cherry moving

↓

You go, boys. You sing this song.

boys sing song

↓

You know it. Come on, boys.

boys

↓

Come on! Sing it! Sing it!

sing

↓

This blows, man!

blows

↓

Judith's out of control. We gotta do somethin'.

control judiths somethin

↓

Dude, besides ruining the band, what else has she done?

band besides ruining

↓

What? Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life.

controlled life moved

↓

She didn't like how his ass looked. Made him get butt cheek implants.

butt cheek looked

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

I thought his ass looked tighter.

looked tighter

↓

Check this out. Last night,

check night

↓

torched his Neil Diamond albums.

albums diamond neil neil-diamond

↓

She torched Neil?

neil

↓

DARREN: Oh!

darren

↓

You're right. The woman's a monster.

monster womans

↓

BOTH: Two, three, four.

four three three-four

↓

* Bop, bop, ba, da, da, ba, da, da, ba, bop, bop

↓

* Bop, bop, ba, da, da, ba, da, da, ba bop, bop

↓

* Bop, bop, ba, da, da, ba, da, da, ba bop, bop *

↓

Hey! Yes!

↓

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

late

↓

It's all right.

↓

I only have a minute. I have to get back and wax Judith's legs.

judiths legs minute

↓

We miss you. We never see you anymore.

anymore miss

↓

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, I am,

↓

but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith.

happy judith spending

↓

You know? Plus, with my relationship counseling sessions...

counseling plus relationship sessions

↓

Counseling? Yeah, yeah.

counseling

↓

I go two hours, three times a week.

hours three three-times times week

↓

Oh. Who's your counselor?

counselor

↓

Judith.

judith

↓

Look. We don't think she's right for you.

↓

Break up with her.

break

↓

She's ruining our lives and yours.

lives ruining

↓

And this graph should illustrate our point. Look.

graph point

↓

Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high, 93.

fun judith level

↓

It is now an eight.

eight

↓

Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

band numbers

↓

Girls, never very high, at nine,

girls nine

↓

but look now. Two.

↓

This has obviously led to increased whacking off.

increased obviously

↓

I'm chafing.

chafing

↓

(BEEPING)

beeping

↓

Shit. I have to get home and heat the wax.

heat home

↓

Uh, guys, listen. Thanks for your concern.

concern thanks

↓

Really. And I miss you, too.

miss

↓

But it was great seein' ya, all right?

↓

That guy's in serious trouble. Yeah.

serious trouble

↓

We need to save him.

save

↓

Sorry to bother ya.

bother

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

Uh, well, first, we want to apologize for the beer shower.

apologize beer shower

↓

And the salsa bath. That was bad.

bath salsa

↓

Get the hell out of here.

↓

Whoa. Wait. Just give us a minute, okay?

minute whoa

↓

My rate is $200 an hour.

hour rate

↓

Do you have any money?

money

↓

I got some of that.

↓

Just give me the big bills.

bills

↓

Six. Is that all you have?

↓

37, 38.

↓

Two and a half minutes.

half minutes

↓

Okay, look, we don't want you seeing Darren anymore.

anymore darren seeing

↓

We don't think you're right for him.

↓

The band needs him.

band needs

↓

But we're prepared to buy you off.

prepared

↓

With what?

↓

My house. Okay? Look.

house

↓

My grandma here?

grandma

↓

She was born in this house, is buried in the backyard.

backyard born buried house

↓

There's my mom. There's my dad, and there's me.

↓

My dad was droppin' me on my head.

head

↓

But we're willing

willing

↓

to sign this over to you,

sign

↓

if you just agree not to see Darren.

agree darren

↓

I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

dead grandmother house shitty

↓

I'll throw J.D. in.

throw

↓

He doesn't look like much, but he's hung like a horse.

horse hung

↓

It's true.

↓

Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it.

darrens

↓

I own him. He does whatever I say.

↓

I'm in complete control of him.

complete control

↓

He's my puppet, and I'm his puppet master.

master puppet

↓

You're not takin' Darren away from us!

darren takin

↓

Just try to stop me.

↓

One round. Winner takes Darren.

darren round takes winner

↓

You're on. Kick her ass.

kick

↓

Go.

↓

You've got quite a grip.

grip

↓

You must be a heavy masturbator.

heavy must

↓

My guess is... Three times a day?

three three-times times

↓

I bet you're also a premature ejaculator.

↓

Start off with a big bang.

bang start

↓

Before you know it, you're limp.

limp

↓

(ALARM BEEPING)

alarm alarm-beeping beeping

↓

Hey! I win. You lose. Now get out.

lose

↓

God!

↓

God!

↓

Hey, check it out.

check

↓

Hey, baby.

baby

↓

Hello, ladies.

ladies

↓

(CHUCKLES)

chuckles

↓

So, uh, how much?

↓

50 bucks for you and 200 for your friend.

bucks friend

↓

Okay. All right.

↓

I want you to be laughin' like he just said somethin'...

somethin

↓

(LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

(I LIKE TO MOVE IT by Reel 2 Real PLAYING ON STEREO)

playing real reel stereo

↓

Perfect!

perfect

↓

Get this one! Be like this!

↓

Like this! Like this!

↓

Douche! Douche!

douche

↓

Yeah you... Slap his ass!

slap

↓

That's not sexy.

sexy

↓

Yeah! Awesome!

awesome

↓

Dude, watch it!

watch

↓

You're movin my guy.

movin

↓

Oh.

↓

Look it. Look it.

↓

J.D.: Good.

↓

WAYNE: Ah, dude. Check this out.

check wayne

↓

J.D.: Hurry up. Let's go. WAYNE: Okay.

hurry wayne

↓

Okay, mailed. Check. Let's go.

check mailed

↓

Don't look back!

↓

Hurry up! Come on!

hurry

↓

Hey, Judith. How's it goin'?

goin judith

↓

Not so good. Look at these.

↓

Oh, my God. Oh!

↓

He's sick. He's perverted.

perverted sick

↓

And he's cheatin' on you.

↓

With two chicks.

chicks

↓

I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?

dump

↓

Oh, totally.

↓

Right? Yeah!

↓

Do you guys think there's anything weird about these photos, though?

photos weird

↓

Mmm, no. No, that's Darren, all right.

darren

↓

Hey!

↓

Darren doesn't have a tattoo.

darren tattoo

↓

Nice try, idiots.

idiots

↓

If I ever see either one of you near Darren again,

darren near

↓

I'll kill you.

kill

↓

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

chattering

↓

Hey, hey.

↓

Hey! Hey.

↓

Thanks for meeting me here.

meeting thanks

↓

I have something really important to tell you guys.

↓

Aw, man, you broke up.

broke

↓

No, no, no, no. Out of the blue,

blue

↓

Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.

engaged judith proposed

↓

What? Dude, congratulations.

congratulations

↓

(FOOT STOMPS) Ow!

foot

↓

Yeah, yeah, starting next week, I'll be known as Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.

darren known starting week

↓

Oh, right, 'cause you're gonna take her last name, huh?

name

↓

Yeah. Wow.

↓

Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here,

feels judith point

↓

that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name.

mans name sexist woman

↓

Huh. Yeah, and anyway, it's too late

late

↓

to make any changes because we've already ordered the monogrammed towels.

changes ordered towels

↓

Right. Yeah.

↓

Darren.

darren

↓

Sandy? Sandy Perkus.

perkus sandy sandy-perkus sandy-sandy

↓

Oh, my God. Darren! Wow! Hey!

darren

↓

It's been so long. Yes, it has.

↓

Hey, it's Wayne.

wayne

↓

High school, remember? You remember?

remember school

↓

* You can dance if you want to

dance

↓

* You can leave your friends behind

behind friends friends-behind

↓

* Because if your friends don't dance and if they don't dance *

dance friends

↓

Oh, right, the senior talent show.

senior talent

↓

Yeah, you were booed off the stage.

stage

↓

That was me.

↓

Yep, Sandy, remember me, J.D. McNugent?

remember sandy

↓

I was the guy who went to the prom with the tuxedo painted on my naked body.

body naked painted prom tuxedo

↓

Oh, I... I guess I missed it.

missed

↓

I spilled a drink, and the paint ran, and everyone could see my dong.

dong drink paint spilled

↓

It doesn't ring a bell.

bell ring

↓

Oh, oh, oh! Remember that time in science class,

class remember science

↓

I was lighting farts with a Bunsen burner, and I singed my ball sack?

ball burner farts lighting sack

↓

Oh. No.

↓

Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut.

grow hair left

↓

It sucks.

sucks

↓

So how are ya?

↓

Oh! Great. Great. I...I just moved back to town.

moved town

↓

Oh, wow, that's great.

↓

WOMAN: Sandy! Oh, gosh, I have to go, but...

gosh sandy woman

↓

It was... It was great seeing you.

seeing

↓

Yeah, same here. Me, too.

↓

Bye. Bye.

↓

Take care. Yeah. Okay, bye.

care

↓

Awesome. Yeah, bye! Bye.

awesome

↓

Wow.

↓

Oh, my God! This is it!

↓

What?

↓

It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life.

chance life perkus sandy sandy-perkus walked

↓

You even said so yourself. She was your one-and-only someone!

↓

She used to be.

used

↓

Now Judith is my one-and-only someone.

judith

↓

Okay, I'll... I'll talk to you guys later, okay?

↓

Isn't one-and-only like one...

↓

And only?

↓

(PIANO PLAYING)

piano piano-playing playing

↓

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

chattering

↓

Here's your drink. Where's the lemon wedge?

drink lemon wedge

↓

Sorry. We were out of lemons, but I could run to the store.

lemons store

↓

Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people.

exciting forget meet

↓

Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA.

attorney brett

↓

Wow. That... That is... That is exciting.

exciting

↓

This is my fiancé, Darren.

darren

↓

Pleased to meet you. Same here.

meet pleased

↓

Congratulations. Thank you.

congratulations

↓

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, excuse me. I'll get that.

door excuse knocking

↓

Hi.

↓

Hi. Is, uh, Darren here?

darren

↓

I think he left his Vespa helmet.

helmet left

↓

What's goin' on?

goin

↓

We're having our engagement party.

engagement having party

↓

Oh, then I guess our invitations must have been lost in the mail.

invitations lost mail must

↓

No, I think it's very possible, Wayne,

possible wayne

↓

that she didn't even send us invitations.

invitations send

↓

Thanks for stopping by.

stopping thanks

↓

Who's Darren talkin' to?

darren talkin

↓

Those are his new friends.

friends

↓

Oh, hey, guys.

↓

Oh, good. I'll have a merlot. I'll have a spritzer.

spritzer

↓

We don't work here.

↓

Fooled me. Okay, my name is Brett, and this is Clayton.

brett fooled name

↓

And this is Darren.

darren

↓

Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.

↓

Darren's our friend, Brett.

brett darrens friend

↓

We knew him first. Fuck you, replacement friend!

friend fuck replacement

↓

Eat this, fake Wayne!

fake wayne

↓

(MEN CLAMORING)

clamoring

↓

(YELLING)

yelling

↓

(SHRIEKS)

shrieks

↓

(ALL SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

Get out of here!

↓

MEN: Get out!

↓

Hey! This isn't over yet!

↓

We're not givin' up on Darren! Yeah!

darren givin

↓

Come on! Yeah, ha!

↓

WAYNE: She thinks this game is over.

game thinks wayne

↓

It's not over! No!

↓

We are taking this into overtime!

overtime

↓

Come on! Yeah, ha!

↓

Yeah! Okay, strategy session.

session strategy

↓

Okay, our enemy is wicked.

enemy wicked

↓

Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

freddy

↓

Damien. Dude, she's Vader.

damien vader

↓

No! She's the Emperor!

emperor

↓

Yeah, but with really great tits.

tits

↓

Okay, now, Sandy, that girl, she's a nice girl.

girl sandy

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

She's a sweetheart. Dude, a saint.

saint sweetheart

↓

She's a goddess. A princess.

goddess princess

↓

Know what, she's kind of like Mother Teresa.

mother

↓

Yeah, but with way better tits.

tits

↓

And Darren loves Sandy, no matter what he says. Definitely.

darren loves matter sandy

↓

That is why we have to intervene... Yep.

intervene

↓

And fix the problem! Definitely!

problem

↓

All right! Yeah!

↓

We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy.

darren judith kidnap sandy

↓

Yeah!

↓

What?

↓

(STATIC CRACKLING)

crackling static

↓

(IMITATES STATIC) The bat is leaving the cave.

cave imitates imitates-static leaving static

↓

Roger that.

roger

↓

Gaw...

↓

Uh?

↓

WAYNE ON RADIO: Alarm system has been deactivated. Out.

alarm radio system wayne

↓

(IMITATES STATIC) Roger that.

imitates imitates-static roger static

↓

Dude, you don't have to do the...

↓

(IMITATES STATIC) Sound.

imitates imitates-static sound static

↓

It already does that. Out.

↓

Copy that. I'm not gonna make the (IMITATES STATIC)

copy imitates imitates-static static

↓

sound after I say stuff from now on.

sound stuff

↓

J.D. McNugent, over and out.

↓

(IMITATES STATIC)

imitates imitates-static static

↓

That was the last one.

↓

(WHISPERING) I'm scared. What if we get caught?

caught scared whispering

↓

(WHISPERING) Not gonna happen.

happen whispering

↓

I'm hungry.

hungry

↓

We'll eat later.

↓

Could we go to Happy Burger?

burger happy happy-burger

↓

Yes, after the kidnapping.

kidnapping

↓

I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with... Shh!

chubby

↓

With cheese.

cheese

↓

(CAWS)

↓

What?

↓

You go downstairs. I'll check upstairs.

check downstairs upstairs

↓

Do the Navy SEALs signals. Come on.

navy navy-seals seals signals

↓

I only know the Air Force signals.

force signals

↓

J.D.: I'm gonna be on lookout. Shh! God.

lookout

↓

WAYNE: I haven't located her yet.

located wayne

↓

Me neither.

↓

Keep checking.

checking

↓

Wait a second, I think I see something in the back of the refrig...

second

↓

In the back of the closet.

closet

↓

Check it out.

check

↓

Nope. Coast is clear.

clear coast nope

↓

I'm gonna keep lookin' down here, buddy.

buddy lookin

↓

You keep an eye peeled up there.

peeled

↓

(DOOR CREAKS)

creaks door door-creaks

↓

(FLOOR CREAKS)

creaks floor

↓

(GASPS)

gasps

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

Ow! Oh, shit!

↓

(WAYNE SHOUTING ON RADIO)

radio shouting wayne

↓

What is it?

↓

I'm hit. I need backup.

backup

↓

I'm comin'.

comin

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

(EXCLAIMS)

exclaims

↓

(WHIMPERS)

whimpers

↓

(MUTTERING NERVOUSLY)

muttering nervously

↓

(SHOUTS)

shouts

↓

(LAUGHING)

laughing

↓

(SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

Ow!

↓

Help!

↓

(GROANING)

groaning

↓

Dead... Leg.

dead

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

Help me, Wayne!

wayne

↓

(SHOUTS)

shouts

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

(SCREAMS)

screams

↓

(GROANING) Get the door. Get the door.

door groaning

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

DARREN: Judith?

darren judith

↓

Judith?

judith

↓

DARREN: "Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done.

darren darren-darren finished leaving

↓

"Don't call, write, e-mail or fax.

mail write

↓

"I never want to see your face or your fake butt again."

butt face fake

↓

(DOGS BARKING)

barking dogs

↓

(GASPS)

gasps

↓

(GASPS)

gasps

↓

Okay, get down there.

↓

Dude, wait. Why me?

↓

Because you're in charge of guarding Judith.

charge judith

↓

I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.

darren dealing sandy

↓

But when we let her go,

↓

she'll be able to identify me.

able identify shell

↓

No, she, uh, won't be able to, 'cause you'll be wearing this.

able wearing

↓

But after we let Judith go,

judith

↓

the cops will be looking for a guy dressed in a bird suit.

bird cops dressed looking suit

↓

So? So what am I gonna wear to work?

wear

↓

Your work clothes.

clothes

↓

But tomorrow's casual Friday.

casual friday tomorrows

↓

Get downstairs!

downstairs

↓

Who the hell are you?

↓

(DOOR LOCKS)

door locks

↓

Hi. Hey, Sandy!

sandy

↓

Hi. Hi, yeah.

↓

Thanks for meeting me. I know I just called you out of the blue.

blue called meeting thanks

↓

That's okay.

↓

I love catching up with old high school friends.

catching friends love school

↓

Yeah. Are you single?

single

↓

Yes.

↓

Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman.

darren wanted

↓

He's a really good guy. Ah.

↓

You know what? He works with the elderly.

works

↓

Really! Yeah.

↓

That is so sweet.

sweet

↓

You know, he still talks about you all the time.

talks

↓

Oh, Wayne, there's something I need to...

wayne

↓

He even writes poems about you.

poems writes

↓

In fact, I think he loves you.

fact loves

↓

Wayne, I'm going to become a nun.

become wayne

↓

Huh?

↓

Yeah.

↓

In a week I take my final vows.

final final-vows vows week

↓

I didn't even know that you were religious.

religious

↓

Oh, well, I wasn't in high school.

school

↓

But after I graduated, I went and I joined my parents in the circus.

circus graduated joined parents

↓

And I became a trapeze artist.

artist became trapeze

↓

(CHEERING)

cheering

↓

SANDY: I fell in love with my partner, Luigi Panini.

fell love luigi partner sandy

↓

MAN ON P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi!

fabulous gentlemen ladies luigi

↓

Everything was perfect, until...

perfect

↓

Well, there were these talent scouts in the audience.

audience scouts talent

↓

Luigi wanted to impress them.

impress luigi wanted

↓

He was a great trapeze artist,

artist trapeze

↓

but he was completely vain.

completely vain

↓

MAN ON PA: And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt

attempt dangerous luigi stunt

↓

in the history of trapeze,

history trapeze

↓

the Quadruple Bierman.

quadruple

↓

(CROWD GASPING)

crowd crowd-gasping gasping

↓

(GASPING)

gasping

↓

(CHEERING)

cheering

↓

Luigi!

luigi

↓

(ALL GASPING)

gasping

↓

(LUIGI THUDS)

luigi thuds

↓

Wow.

↓

Yeah.

↓

After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again.

died love luigi

↓

That's when I decided to devote my life to serving the Lord and helping others.

decided helping life lord others serving

↓

So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right?

final final-vows taken vows

↓

Right.

↓

So, technically, you're not a nun yet.

technically

↓

Well, no. I mean, not yet.

↓

So why not just have lunch with Darren?

darren lunch

↓

I just can't figure out why Judith left.

figure judith left

↓

It doesn't make any sense.

sense

↓

She didn't even take her clothes.

clothes

↓

Maybe she went someplace where she didn't need clothes,

clothes someplace

↓

like a nudist colony.

↓

I don't think so. Maybe she got kidnapped.

kidnapped

↓

You think?

↓

No, no. Definitely not.

↓

That's impossible. That's like...

impossible

↓

Why would that happen in a world?

happen world

↓

Maybe she's a lesbo.

↓

Maybe she's a herm.

↓

Yeah, hermaphrodite. Little dick, little puss. (CHUCKLING) What?

chuckling dick puss

↓

Hey!

↓

Guess who I bumped into today?

bumped today

↓

Who? Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you.

perkus sandy sandy-perkus wants

↓

I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne.

engaged judith wayne

↓

She dumped you, dude.

dumped

↓

Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt?

hurt lunch sandy

↓

No way. Judith's coming back.

coming judiths

↓

Yeah, what if she doesn't?

↓

As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her.

alive judiths

↓

Okay? Okay?

↓

J.D.: I got it. Crowbar me.

crowbar

↓

(WOOD SPLINTERING)

wood

↓

Oh, my God. What is it?

↓

This dead chick is really stacked.

chick dead stacked

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

Okay, go, go, go.

↓

What are you doin'? Jacket's caught.

caught doin jackets

↓

Well, take it off.

↓

I love this jacket!

jacket love

↓

Lose it!

lose

↓

(SHOUTING) Oh, why, why, why?

shouting

↓

Damn. That was my favorite jacket.

favorite jacket

↓

A bizarre incident last night. Local resident, Judith Fessbeggler,

bizarre incident judith local night resident

↓

was incinerated beyond recognition when her BMW

beyond recognition

↓

careened off a cliff into a rocky gorge.

cliff rocky

↓

Investigators have declared it an accident,

accident declared investigators

↓

and no foul play is suspected.

foul suspected

↓

(SOBBING)

sobbing

↓

And in unrelated news, the body of deceased local resident Joan Snerd

body deceased local news resident unrelated

↓

was dug up in an apparent grave robbing last night.

grave night robbing

↓

Police have arrested three Cuban nationals.

arrested cuban nationals police three

↓

(SOBBING)

sobbing

↓

Why are you doin' this?

doin

↓

So you can eat and have somethin' to wear.

somethin wear

↓

No, why did you kidnap me?

kidnap

↓

I'm not supposed to tell ya.

supposed

↓

Oh, I get it. The other guy is the boss.

boss

↓

No, I make decisions, too.

decisions

↓

I suggested that.

suggested

↓

JUDITH: An outhouse. Clever.

clever judith

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

You must be very well-educated.

must

↓

I suppose.

suppose

↓

Ivy league?

league

↓

More or less.

less

↓

Oh, which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton?

harvard yale

↓

SU.

↓

Oh, Stanford University?

stanford university

↓

Subway University.

subway university

↓

Oh, yeah, wait. I know someone who went there.

↓

Did you know J.D. McNugent?

↓

No, no.

↓

Never heard of such a person ever!

heard person

↓

Oh, well.

↓

Well, see you later, J.D.

↓

Take it easy, Judith.

easy judith

↓

Goddamnit!

goddamnit

↓

She knows who we are?

knows

↓

Dude, there was nothin' I could do.

nothin

↓

She used her super intellect on me, man.

intellect super used

↓

She's like Hannibal Lecter.

↓

Great. Now we can't let her go.

↓

So what are we gonna do?

↓

J.D. AND WAYNE: Coach! Coach! Hey!

coach wayne

↓

Well! If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback...

aint favorite quarterback string third

↓

And the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had.

best mascot school

↓

(SQUAWKING)

squawking

↓

(LAUGHING) He's still got it.

laughing

↓

All right.

↓

It's good seein' you boys.

boys

↓

I want to thank you for comin' to my trial.

comin trial

↓

Oh no problem, Coach.

coach problem

↓

We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf.

behalf happy witnesses

↓

Yeah, that ref blew. He deserved what he got.

blew deserved

↓

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

Touchdown!

touchdown

↓

No touchdown! No touchdown! He's out of bounds!

bounds touchdown

↓

What? Out of bounds!

bounds

↓

CROWD: Oh!

crowd

↓

(ALL GASPING)

gasping

↓

Whoops.

whoops

↓

(CREAKING)

creaking

↓

Coach, do you think after you get out of prison

coach prison

↓

they'll let you get your old job back?

↓

Well, boys, I don't think so.

boys

↓

So when are they gonna let you out?

↓

Well, I've got an appeal pending,

appeal

↓

but it doesn't look good.

↓

The victim's whiny family's protesting.

familys protesting victims whiny

↓

What's their damn problem?

problem

↓

So what brings you boys up here today?

boys brings today

↓

Well, Coach, we need your advice.

advice coach

↓

Okay, shoot.

shoot

↓

Darren fell in love with this girl Judith.

darren fell girl judith love

↓

And we kidnapped her.

kidnapped

↓

Kill her.

kill

↓

Okay, just wait a minute. Let me finish.

finish minute

↓

So, we screwed up, 'cause now she knows who we are.

knows screwed

↓

We can't let her go, or she'll turn us in.

shell

↓

Is that it? That everything?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Hmm.

↓

Kill her!

kill

↓

Well, we can't kill her.

kill

↓

Sure, you can!

↓

You're Wheaton Warbirds. You can do anything you put your minds to.

minds

↓

Yeah, but, Coach, come on.

coach

↓

We can't actually kill a person.

kill person

↓

What is it that I always said?

↓

BOTH: If you can dream it, you can do it.

dream

↓

Exactly!

↓

You have the dream.

dream

↓

All you have to do is turn it into reality.

reality

↓

Okay. Attaboy!

attaboy

↓

Now go on home and snuff that bitch!

bitch home snuff

↓

Come on, move. Thanks, Coach.

coach thanks

↓

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

↓

Where's your bird suit?

bird suit

↓

I don't need it, because we're...

↓

Because we're gonna kill you, right?

kill

↓

Right.

↓

You guys aren't gonna shoot me.

shoot

↓

Oh, yeah? What makes you say that?

makes

↓

Because you're not killers.

killers

↓

Sure, we are.

↓

You've never killed anyone.

killed

↓

I killed a man once. Oh, really?

killed

↓

Yeah. Who?

↓

Kevin... Beckley.

kevin

↓

You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck.

died kevin kill wreck

↓

She doesn't know that. God damn it.

↓

You see? You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives.

entire entire-lives killed lives

↓

Oh, yeah? One time I was drivin',

↓

and this squirrel ran out in the street.

squirrel street

↓

I ran over him.

↓

He didn't die right then, but he was limpin' and stuff.

stuff

↓

I'm pretty sure he died right after that.

died

↓

Look.

↓

It doesn't matter whether we've killed anybody or not.

anybody killed matter whether

↓

We're gonna do it right now! Ready?

ready

↓

J.D.: Ready!

ready

↓

Well, do it.

↓

I can't! God!

↓

God damn it!

↓

( SHOW ME THE MEANING OF BEING LONELY by The Backstreet Boys PLAYING)

boys lonely meaning playing

↓

Okay, it's Tuesday!

tuesday

↓

So?

↓

So you're meetin' Sandy for lunch.

lunch sandy

↓

Can't you see I'm in mourning?

mourning

↓

Right, but you promised you'd be there.

promised

↓

You gave her your word.

word

↓

I didn't even talk to her.

↓

Okay, I gave her your word.

word

↓

For God sakes, Wayne.

sakes wayne

↓

When are you gonna give up on this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?

idea sandy

↓

When you go out with Sandy.

sandy

↓

Now come on.

↓

Come on. Come on.

↓

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Hey!

↓

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

↓

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

↓

WAYNE: Come on! All right! Come on.

wayne

↓

Darren. Hi.

darren

↓

Sandy, hey! Wow. You're wearin' the...

sandy

↓

I'm training to become a nun.

become training

↓

A nun? Well, that explains it.

explains

↓

I hope it doesn't freak you out.

freak hope

↓

No, it doesn't. Actually, I'm relieved.

relieved

↓

I think Wayne was tryin' to set us up on a date.

date tryin wayne

↓

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas.

crazy ideas laughing

↓

Yeah. Now that I know that you're unavailable,

↓

it makes this easier.

easier makes

↓

We can just be friends.

friends

↓

Yeah. Exactly, friends.

friends

↓

Please.

↓

Oh, uh, thank you. Sure.

↓

So how are your parents?

parents

↓

Oh, great.

↓

They're making a fortune on the Internet.

fortune internet

↓

They started their own website, circusfreak.com.

started website

↓

Wow. Good for them.

↓

Oh and how is your brother? Dogfaced boy.

brother

↓

He got rabies.

rabies

↓

God that's too bad. Yeah.

↓

For a while there, we thought we were going to have to put him down, but...

↓

He recovered!

recovered

↓

Oh, good. Good.

↓

So, how are you?

↓

Me? I'm... I'm great.

↓

Yeah, everything's been really good, you know?

everythings

↓

Yeah.

↓

Well, my fiancée died.

died

↓

She died? Yeah, she's dead.

dead died

↓

I am so sorry. Don't be.

↓

Please don't be sorry.

↓

It's... It's nothing.

↓

So how do you feel about...

↓

(WHIMPERS)

whimpers

↓

Oh.

↓

(SOBBING)

sobbing

↓

Oh, no. Oh, gosh.

gosh

↓

Just cry. Okay.

↓

Let it out. Uh-huh.

↓

I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you.

↓

Thank you.

↓

* Hello, my friend, hello

friend

↓

BOTH: * It's good to need you so

↓

Wait a minute. Wait.

minute

↓

You're a Neil Diamond fan, too?

diamond neil neil-diamond

↓

Oh, the man's a genius.

genius mans

↓

Yeah, he's...he's the greatest songwriter/performer of this or any generation.

generation greatest songwriter

↓

I know.

↓

* It's good to love you

love

↓

* Like I do

↓

* And to feel this way

↓

BOTH: * When I hear you say

↓

* Hello

↓

Oh, God. Wow.

↓

I could've been free.

couldve free

↓

Hey.

↓

(CHUCKLES)

chuckles

↓

I brought you some more videos.

brought videos

↓

You got your choice, porno or monster trucks.

choice monster porno trucks

↓

Oh, and I got one that's both. Thanks, J.D.

thanks

↓

Hey. I really appreciate you taking care of me.

appreciate care

↓

My pleasure.

pleasure

↓

Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy.

responsible strike

↓

Uh, thanks.

thanks

↓

Yeah, that's why I'm surprised

surprised

↓

that you let Wayne boss you around.

boss wayne

↓

Wayne's not... No... He...

↓

No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me.

boss bosses

↓

Yeah, I think that you seem depressed and confused.

confused depressed

↓

You think?

↓

Not to mention, I think you're suffering from

mention suffering

↓

a self-defeating personality disorder.

disorder personality self

↓

Whoa. Mmm-hmm.

whoa

↓

Have you considered therapy?

considered therapy

↓

I remember in high school, you were really into helping people.

helping remember school

↓

At parties, you were always the designated driver.

driver parties

↓

Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer.

dancer remember

↓

And strong, too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head.

able head lift strong used

↓

Mmm. Still can.

↓

Oh, really? Mmm-hmm.

↓

Ready? And...

ready

↓

Whoa! Whoa!

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

Oh, Darren! Help me!

darren

↓

Are you okay?

↓

I can't... Just hang on.

hang

↓

Swim. I can't swim.

swim

↓

(DARREN GASPING)

darren gasping

↓

(BOTH GRUNT)

grunt

↓

Darren! Darren!

darren darren-darren

↓

Are you okay?

↓

Thank you. Thank you for saving me.

saving

↓

(CHUCKLES) No problem.

chuckles problem

↓

(COUGHING)

coughing

↓

Let it out now. There you go.

↓

Come on. Let's go, okay?

↓

You're a lot stronger than you were in high school.

school stronger

↓

Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.

↓

Oh. Yeah.

↓

And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets. Right.

afraid toilets

↓

What else can I tell you about the second grade?

grade second

↓

You know what J.D.? Let's fast-forward.

fast fast-forward forward

↓

Have you ever had a girlfriend? Yes.

girlfriend

↓

No.

↓

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?

having

↓

Any man. Which man?

↓

You mean like a tall man?

tall

↓

Sure, whatever.

↓

'Cause I don't like tall people. They bother me.

bother tall

↓

Okay, how about a short man?

short

↓

How short?

short

↓

Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird. Like midgets.

short sometimes weird

↓

Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man?

having

↓

Any man at all?

↓

Does that include celebrities?

celebrities include

↓

Can I ask you something?

↓

Sure.

↓

Um, I mean. Not that it matters now.

matters

↓

But if had asked you out back in high school...

asked school

↓

Would you have gone out with me?

gone

↓

Definitely.

↓

Not that it matters now...

matters

↓

You know... Right. Of course.

course

↓

Thanks. Perfect.

perfect thanks

↓

Sure.

↓

Oh, could you?

↓

You know, turn around?

↓

Right, yeah. Certainly.

certainly

↓

Oh and uh...

↓

I have these...

↓

Oh. Sorry, sorry. Those are...

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Um, can you...

↓

Zip me up? Yeah of course.

course

↓

I had a really great time.

↓

Yeah, me too.

↓

You want to have dinner tonight?

dinner dinner-tonight tonight

↓

I can't.

↓

Tomorrow, I have a test in my catechism class,

class test tomorrow

↓

and I have to score at least an 85

least score

↓

so I can take my final vows on Sunday.

final final-vows sunday vows

↓

What about tomorrow night?

night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

Tomorrow night,

night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her deathbed.

care scheduled

↓

I understand.

↓

But I'd really like to see you again.

↓

I'll get out of it.

↓

I always knew I was different, and now I know why!

↓

I'm gay!

↓

You're the only person who's ever truly understood me!

person truly understood

↓

(WHINING) I know. It's okay.

whining

↓

Just let it out. Everything's gonna be okay.

everythings

↓

It's all gonna be okay.

↓

It's gonna be just...

↓

Oh!

↓

Hey!

↓

Hey! Stop!

↓

(GROANING) Wayne?

groaning wayne

↓

Wayne!

wayne

↓

(SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

Judith escaped!

escaped judith

↓

Der!

↓

(GROANING) Get to the truck.

groaning truck

↓

(BOTH GROANING)

groaning

↓

Judith?

judith

↓

(TIRES SCREECHING)

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

(SCREAMS)

screams

↓

Okay, she can't be far.

↓

J.D.: I see her!

↓

Where? Okay, steady! Steady!

steady

↓

(GLASS SHATTERING)

glass shattering

↓

I missed her.

missed

↓

WAYNE: Gah!

wayne

↓

Now, let's go, go, go!

↓

You go this way! I'll go that way! All right!

↓

Hey!

↓

JUDITH: Open up! I've been kidnapped!

judith kidnapped open

↓

Hold your goddamn horses.

goddamn horses

↓

Oh, thank God. Hurry up.

hurry

↓

Oh.

↓

Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.

chang lucky tonight

↓

Young lady, so horny, so impatient.

horny lady young young-lady

↓

(SCREAMS)

screams

↓

Oh, scrotum!

↓

WAYNE: Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on!

stealing truck wayne

↓

(TIRES SCREECHING)

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

Now! Do her!

↓

I got her!

↓

I got her!

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

Okay, Judith, it's over.

judith

↓

You might as well turn this thing around and head back to the house.

head house might

↓

Now, come on... Hey!

↓

(ZAPPING)

zapping

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

Ah!

↓

(TIRES SCREECHING)

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

Oh, thank God.

↓

(SHRIEKS)

shrieks

↓

Hi, officers. You're safe.

officers safe

↓

I'm Cowboy Wayne. I just bagged me one of them

bagged cowboy wayne

↓

killer goats that escaped from the zoo.

escaped goats killer

↓

Good job. Yeah.

↓

Okay, then. I'll see you later.

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

There. That should hold you for tonight.

tonight

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

Don't!

↓

(EXHALES)

exhales

↓

Hey, what the hell happened?

happened

↓

Well, Judith was givin' me some therapy...

givin judith therapy

↓

And helped me realize I was gay, and the next thing...

helped realize

↓

Wait. What?

↓

(LAUGHING) I see what happened.

happened laughing

↓

She messed with your head.

head messed

↓

Wayne, I'm gay.

wayne

↓

No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.

unsuccessful women

↓

No, I'm gay.

↓

Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.

inner judith touch

↓

How'd she do that?

howd

↓

She listened,

listened

↓

unlike other people who've known me for years

known unlike whove years

↓

and have ignored all the tell-tale signs.

ignored signs tale

↓

Like what?

↓

Like my obsession with Bette Midler.

obsession

↓

My preference for track lighting.

lighting track

↓

Oh, and the fact that I like sucking dick.

dick fact sucking

↓

What?

↓

You've done that?

↓

No... I mean not with another guy.

another

↓

No, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?

book bought remember yoga

↓

Dude, that...

↓

That's enough. I don't want to hear anymore.

anymore

↓

Look, you wanna be gay? Fine, no problem.

problem

↓

But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself.

care judith

↓

Okay? Okay.

↓

You want to be gay with me? No!

↓

All right.

↓

( COUNTRY GRAMMAR by Nelly PLAYING)

country grammar nelly playing

↓

Come on, come on. Go. Come on.

↓

All you, all you. All you, 11.

↓

Okay. One more. One more. Come on.

↓

One more, one more. Come on.

↓

(GROANING) Feel the burn. Come on now.

burn groaning

↓

(EXHALING) 11. Oh.

exhaling

↓

What's the matter, dear?

dear matter

↓

You never used to be so winded after only five sets.

five sets used

↓

Well, Mother Superior,

mother superior

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun.

becoming having second second-thoughts thoughts

↓

Oh, don't get me wrong.

↓

This is a terrific convent, but I...

terrific

↓

(GRUNTS) But? Well, I...

grunts

↓

I'm having these feelings.

feelings having

↓

What kind of feelings?

feelings

↓

Um, I, uh...

↓

You mean sexual feelings?

feelings sexual

↓

Yeah. Yeah, but it's so much more than that.

↓

(GRUNTS) Yes, well...

grunts

↓

My dear...

dear

↓

You're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live.

decide life live

↓

But, once you take your final vows,

final final-vows vows

↓

there is no going back.

↓

Now, let's go bust out some power squats.

bust power

↓

(WAYNE WHISTLING)

wayne whistling

↓

There. That should keep you from escaping again.

↓

And this...

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

This...

↓

This should keep you from biting.

biting

↓

How am I gonna eat? I thought of that.

↓

What is that? It's breakfast.

breakfast

↓

It's pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, Pop-Tart, pureed.

brown hash pancakes sausage tart

↓

I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana. A what?

eating montana

↓

A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.

curly curly-fries fries montana

↓

No. I'm not gonna get you one.

↓

If you don't wanna eat what I made for you, then you can starve.

starve

↓

Why are you doing this?

↓

It's the only way to save our friendship.

friendship save

↓

It doesn't seem like a friendship to me.

friendship

↓

It seems like you're in love with Darren.

darren love seems

↓

Bullshit!

bullshit

↓

Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole, and so do you.

buddy pole smokes

↓

(LAUGHING) I am so un-gay.

laughing

↓

Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight.

pretend second straight

↓

When's the last time you got any?

whens

↓

That's none of your business.

business

↓

So, it's been years?

years

↓

I'm waiting for the right woman.

waiting woman

↓

There is no right woman for you, Wayne.

wayne woman

↓

My guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her.

↓

And she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.

become killed lesbian

↓

Oh bite me! Blow me!

bite blow

↓

Skank! Eunuch!

skank

↓

Stealer... Of my friend!

friend

↓

(SLOW ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

music music-playing playing rock rock-music rock-music-playing slow stereo

↓

Hi. Hey, hi.

↓

What happened to your head?

happened head

↓

Oh, um, well,

↓

I saw Judith.

judith

↓

Judith's dead.

dead judiths

↓

Yeah, but... I could have sworn it was her.

sworn

↓

I was, uh... You poor thing.

poor

↓

You're still not over her death.

death

↓

Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other.

seeing

↓

No. No, no.

↓

No, God, I'm fine.

↓

And look, I can deal with this. Okay?

deal

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

So, what are you having? Uh, let's see.

having

↓

Ah, there's the duck.

duck

↓

That was always Judith's favorite.

favorite judiths

↓

I'm sorry. I should leave.

↓

No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry.

↓

God, uh, I will never mention Judith's name again, really.

judiths mention name

↓

I swear. I swear.

swear

↓

Hey, uh, would you excuse me for just a moment?

excuse moment

↓

Uh, please, I'll... I'll be right back.

↓

Okay? In a... In a moment.

moment

↓

(PHONE RINGING)

phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Oh! Damn it!

↓

What do you want? DARREN: Wayne, it's me, Darren.

darren wayne

↓

Look, there's a problem.

problem

↓

I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith.

judith sandy

↓

Okay. I'll be right there.

↓

(HORN HONKS)

honks horn horn-honks

↓

Okay. Open up your shirt.

open shirt

↓

Why? Just do it.

↓

What is this?

↓

(GRUNTS) Okay. Now...

grunts

↓

Here's what's gonna happen.

happen

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

I'm going to listen to your conversation.

conversation

↓

Now...

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

If you say anything about Judith,

judith

↓

or so much as mention her name,

mention name

↓

then, I'm gonna give you a little shock.

shock

↓

(MACHINE BEEPS) Ow!

beeps machine machine-beeps

↓

Perfect. Ow! Ow.

perfect

↓

I don't think I'm comfortable

comfortable

↓

having these things on my nipples, okay?

having nipples

↓

I can put 'em on your balls.

balls

↓

The nipples are fine.

nipples

↓

Nipples work. Okay.

nipples

↓

Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

↓

I'm back. I am back.

↓

It was a talkative men's room... Mmm.

mens mens-room room

↓

Attendant. That's okay.

attendant

↓

Excuse me. Hey.

excuse

↓

This table's reserved, sir. Do you know what?

reserved tables

↓

I come here all the time, and I spend a lot of money in this place.

money place spend

↓

So, why don't you just leave me the hell alone?

alone

↓

SANDY: I don't mean to be pushy, but

pushy sandy

↓

if this relationship is gonna get serious,

relationship serious

↓

then I have to give up becoming a nun.

becoming

↓

And I'd have to decide soon because...

decide

↓

I'm taking my final vows on Sunday.

final final-vows sunday vows

↓

Yeah, that thought had occurred to me.

occurred

↓

And if I do that, I need to know...

↓

That you want marriage and a family.

family marriage

↓

Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but...

died luigi

↓

I love you, Darren.

darren love

↓

DARREN: Wow. Wow.

darren

↓

I love you too, Judith.

judith love

↓

Ow! Ow. Judith!

judith

↓

I mean, Sandy. I mean.

sandy

↓

Let's dance. Okay?

dance

↓

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

You're out of here. Hey! Put me down! I haven't ordered yet.

ordered

↓

Time for an attitude adjustment, mister. Ooh! Ow!

adjustment attitude mister

↓

Oh! Hey. Nice move.

↓

(GROANING)

groaning

↓

Ooh!

↓

Damn, he's good.

↓

(GRUNTS) Darren!

darren grunts

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

Oh, my God. Oh, geez. Oh, my...

geez

↓

(WHIMPERING)

whimpering

↓

Oh, my... Are... Are you okay?

↓

Yeah. It was a little weird.

weird

↓

(ALL GASPING)

gasping

↓

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

(FIRE ALARM RINGING)

alarm fire ringing

↓

(SIREN BLARING)

blaring siren

↓

WOMAN: Wait for me!

woman

↓

Darren. Darren, Darren, Darren. What's going on?

darren darren-darren

↓

Okay, I can explain. See, it's aversion therapy.

explain therapy

↓

See, Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith.

judith wayne

↓

Judith? I had these things on my nipples...

judith nipples

↓

Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought. No.

worse

↓

No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship.

obviously ready relationship

↓

No, I am! Sandy, wait!

sandy

↓

Sandy... Okay...

sandy

↓

Damn it!

↓

Sandy! Sandy, wait...wait, Sandy!

sandy sandy-sandy

↓

Sandy! Wait, Sandy!

sandy

↓

Sandy, wait!

sandy

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

Sandy.

sandy

↓

(GASPS) Darren! Oh, my God!

darren gasps

↓

Darren, what happened to you?

darren happened

↓

Oh, I ran here from the nightclub. But that's 30 miles!

miles nightclub

↓

Yeah, I know, I just...

↓

Wanted to say... I'm sorry.

wanted

↓

I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

forgive

↓

Oh, yeah. 'Cause the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps...

judith nipple whole

↓

It's crazy and... Yes!

crazy

↓

Really? Yes.

↓

Just like that?

↓

Yeah, well, I am training to become a nun, you know.

become training

↓

Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.

forgiveness

↓

I love you. Really?

love

↓

I love you! I love you.

love

↓

Love. Love.

love love-love

↓

Happy? You didn't have to do that.

happy

↓

Well, I just happened to be by an Arby's,

happened

↓

and they were throwin' out some old food so, you know,

food throwin

↓

I thought, why not?

↓

Either way, that's nice of you.

↓

Hey,

↓

I was wondering.

wondering

↓

Why Darren? What do you mean?

darren

↓

You just don't seem like the type that goes for a sensitive guy like Darren.

darren sensitive type

↓

You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy.

assertive needs type woman

↓

Before I met Darren, I was...

darren

↓

I was engaged to a guy like that.

engaged

↓

His idea of a fun weekend was to fly to Thailand

fun idea weekend

↓

and compete in a kickboxing tournament.

compete tournament

↓

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

cheering

↓

U.S.A.! Go, Josh!

josh

↓

Yeah!

↓

(NECK SNAPPING)

neck snapping

↓

No!

↓

No!

↓

(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

foreign foreign-language language

↓

After that I decided no more tough guys.

decided tough

↓

Hmm. Yeah, and then you found Darren.

darren found

↓

Yeah.

↓

So do you even love him?

love

↓

Well, I think there's all different types of love.

love types

↓

Ah, I knew it!

↓

Look, sometimes you have to make cold, rational decisions.

cold decisions rational sometimes

↓

You can't always follow your heart. Yeah. Whatever.

follow heart

↓

Although I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge.

admit charge sexy takes

↓

Like you kidnapping me. Mmm-hmm.

kidnapping

↓

That took balls.

balls

↓

Big balls.

balls

↓

I gotta say it turned me on.

turned

↓

It did? Mmm-hmm.

↓

Oh. Oh.

↓

(PANTING) Chain.

chain panting

↓

Goddamn these chains!

chains goddamn

↓

(EXCLAIMS)

exclaims

↓

Give it a little key, little key...

↓

Wait! What am I doing? I can't let you go!

↓

Just give me one free hand, and I promise it'll be worth it.

free hand itll promise worth

↓

(PANTING) Okay.

panting

↓

Okay, give me the fries.

fries

↓

Okay, okay, okay.

↓

(MOANING)

moaning

↓

Wow. Hey... (DOORBELL RINGING)

doorbell doorbell-ringing ringing

↓

Shit.

↓

(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)

continues doorbell ringing

↓

Just wait one minute, okay?

minute

↓

Dude! Dude, you got a boner?

boner

↓

No...

↓

Why didn't you answer the door? I'm eatin'.

answer door eatin

↓

So? I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

answer door eatin

↓

Since when? Since always.

↓

I never knew that.

↓

You didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

↓

Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

↓

I got three balls.

balls three

↓

Shut up! God!

↓

Dude. Dude. Dude!

↓

Hi, Coach. Coach! What are you doin' here?

coach doin

↓

Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan.

judge sports

↓

Congrats. What are you gonna do now?

congrats

↓

That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash. Get my shit together.

crash place

↓

Figure out my next move. I knew I could count on you boys.

boys count figure

↓

Of course. Coach, our house is your house, We gotta talk about it.

coach course house

↓

You stay as long as you like.

↓

Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.

bathroom dump

↓

We don't use the toilet anymore,

anymore toilet

↓

'cause we're cuttin' down on the water bill.

bill water

↓

What the hell do you do?

↓

Well, we just use the lawn now.

lawn

↓

Smart thinkin'. Oh, God.

smart thinkin

↓

You've been pinchin' loaves on the lawn, man?

lawn

↓

I play croquet out there!

↓

What, are you crazy? The coach can't stay here.

coach crazy

↓

We've got a woman locked in the garage.

garage locked woman

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

(COACH WHISTLES)

coach whistles

↓

You boys got any T.P.?

boys

↓

No!

↓

That's all right. I'll find something.

↓

Be cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him. Okay.

cool

↓

How about this? We tell him we've got dates tonight.

dates tonight

↓

He can't be here 'cause we're gettin' laid.

gettin laid

↓

Nah, he'll never believe that. Oh, yeah.

believe

↓

Okay, we'll tell him we've got ghosts.

ghosts

↓

Oh, boys! What's for supper?

boys supper

↓

Uh, listen, Coach... We have ghosts.

coach ghosts

↓

What?

↓

Uh, we were thinkin' that maybe

thinkin

↓

you stayin' here is not such a great idea.

idea

↓

Yeah. Nonsense.

nonsense

↓

It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again.

another chance itll

↓

By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch

bitch boys care

↓

that was gonna marry Silverman?

marry

↓

Uh, yeah. Yeah. We snuffed that bitch just like you said.

bitch

↓

Good. How'd you do it?

howd

↓

Uh, we... Ate her.

↓

You ate her? Yeah.

↓

We ate her. Alive.

alive

↓

My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart.

boys smart

↓

That's the perfect crime.

crime perfect

↓

Wonder what's on the tube.

tube wonder

↓

No! Coach!

coach

↓

What the hell have we got here?

↓

Some kind of public access show or something?

access public public-access

↓

Yeah.

↓

Wait a minute. That's your kidnap victim, ain't it?

aint kidnap minute victim

↓

You didn't kill her, did you?

kill

↓

No, Coach.

coach

↓

I am really disappointed in you boys.

boys disappointed

↓

Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.

cooze

↓

Well, we can't, Coach...

coach

↓

Oh, for Pete's sake! Look, she's gettin' out!

gettin petes petes-sake sake

↓

Go chop her head off or somethin'!

chop head somethin

↓

There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless!

boys fight left

↓

You've been pussified!

↓

Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad.

boys broad care worry

↓

No, no. No! Hey!

↓

WAYNE: Hey!

wayne

↓

Who the hell are you? WAYNE: Judith, don't worry! I'm comin'!

comin judith wayne worry

↓

Let's just say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill ya.

boys friend kill

↓

You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you?

defend mind

↓

Of course not. I love a good challenge.

challenge course love

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

Are you okay?

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

Dude...

↓

(SCREAMS)

screams

↓

Watch your step.

step watch

↓

Got it?

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

Hmm.

↓

I'm so happy. Oh, me, too.

happy

↓

Does this couch fold out? Mmm.

couch fold

↓

Mmm.

↓

(MOANING)

moaning

↓

DARREN: Oh, Sandy...

darren sandy

↓

What the hell is going on here?

↓

Wha... Wha... Judith!

judith

↓

Yes. Yes! You're alive!

alive

↓

Judith?

judith

↓

Who is this tramp?

tramp

↓

I'm not a tramp!

tramp

↓

Actually, until yesterday I was training to become a nun.

become training yesterday

↓

I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun?

gone screwing week

↓

No, no. We're in love!

love

↓

I thought you were dead.

dead

↓

Really? I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay?

dead kidnapped

↓

It was a living hell.

living

↓

I was beaten and tortured...

beaten tortured

↓

And treated like a friggin' farm animal!

animal farm friggin treated

↓

And the entire time,

entire

↓

the only thing that kept me alive was the thought

alive

↓

that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me

darren loved sweet

↓

and that one day we'd be together again.

↓

It was so horrible.

horrible

↓

(SOBBING)

sobbing

↓

Where are we going?

↓

Where? I don't know. We've gotta find her. Come on!

↓

Let's go! Okay, where to? Where to?

↓

Go left! I'm goin' right!

goin left

↓

They kept me in a dark closet for days,

closet dark days

↓

and they fed me, like,

↓

crushed potato chips under the door.

chips crushed door potato potato-chips

↓

(SOBBING)

sobbing

↓

Um, maybe...

↓

I should go.

↓

Oh, no. Sandy... Sandy, no.

sandy sandy-sandy

↓

Please, please, uh, don't.

↓

Don't... Don't... Don't leave.

↓

Well, but, I mean,

↓

Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée.

alive judiths

↓

Yeah, uh, I know. You're right. You're right.

↓

But, um, but you can't go,

↓

because I, um... Because what?

↓

Because I... I, um... Why, Darren?

darren

↓

Yeah? See, you, uh...

↓

Yeah? Yeah? Well, we... Because...

↓

Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another.

another love sweetheart

↓

Spare her the pain of seeing us together.

pain seeing spare

↓

You! Run along, back to the nunnery.

along

↓

Sandy, uh, she's right.

sandy

↓

I mean, I did pledge.

pledge

↓

Okay.

↓

(SIGHS)

sighs

↓

Bye.

↓

WAYNE: He's here! Hey, Darren?

darren wayne

↓

Sandy, hi. Look, I can...

sandy

↓

Darren! Sorry. Darren, look, uh...

darren

↓

I understand that you're really upset,

upset

↓

and I probably look like a really big asshole, but I...

asshole

↓

J.D.: Dude? Dude!

↓

Dude. Okay. I deserved that.

deserved

↓

But now, let me explain...

explain

↓

Okay, I guess I deserved that one, too, but now we're even, okay?

deserved

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

(SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

Darren, stop!

darren

↓

We only did it because we love you.

love

↓

Oh, right. Because you love me.

love

↓

Oh. Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug.

↓

(SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

police siren siren-wailing wailing

↓

(SOBBING)

sobbing

↓

Freeze! Freeze! Don't move!

freeze freeze-freeze

↓

Darren!

darren

↓

Don't think that my presence here means I've forgiven you.

forgiven presence

↓

I... I just wanted to tell you guys, in person,

person wanted

↓

that Judith and I are getting married tomorrow.

judith married tomorrow

↓

You don't wanna marry Judith! Admit it.

admit judith marry

↓

Of course I do. Okay.

course

↓

Then look into my eyes and say it.

eyes

↓

I wanna marry Judith.

judith marry

↓

Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it.

eyes

↓

I'm out of here. Darren!

darren

↓

Come on. We're sorry, okay?

↓

What we did was wrong.

↓

We gotta stop that wedding.

wedding

↓

Dude, how?

↓

Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill!

kill maggots

↓

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

cell cell-phone cell-phone-rings phone phone-rings rings

↓

Hello! Hey, Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D.

coach wayne

↓

Look, we need your help. I'd do anything for you boys.

boys

↓

You're like sons to me. Name it, you got it.

name sons

↓

Well, we need you to post bail for us.

bail post

↓

It's, uh, 10,000 apiece.

↓

No way! Come on, Coach. We need your help.

coach

↓

Jail life is real tough. They're...

jail life real tough

↓

Sodomizing us in here.

↓

What? They're cornholing you?

↓

Yeah. Oh, my God, that's horrible.

horrible

↓

Don't worry about it. I'll get you out of there.

worry

↓

You got sodomized?

↓

Who? I want to meet him.

meet

↓

(TRUCK BACKING UP) What is that?

backing truck

↓

Sounds kinda like my truck.

kinda sounds truck

↓

Yeah.

↓

(BOTH SCREAMING)

screaming

↓

Come on, boys. Let's go!

boys

↓

Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut, hut!

boys lead

↓

Come on. Move it! Ha, ha!

↓

You're free! Now, where to, boys?

boys free

↓

(TIRES SCREECHING)

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

J.D.: Go left!

left

↓

COACH: Yee-ha! Charge!

charge coach

↓

(ORGAN PLAYING)

organ playing

↓

Sandy Perkus, do you vow to lead a life

lead life perkus sandy sandy-perkus

↓

of poverty, chastity, obedience and silence?

poverty silence

↓

Wait! Wait!

↓

Uh, sorry. Sandy... Sandy...

sandy sandy-sandy

↓

Sandy, look you can't do this.

sandy

↓

You love Darren, right? Well, yeah.

darren love

↓

Well, Darren loves you. Really?

darren loves

↓

Darren's her boyfriend, but he's got this other girlfriend,

boyfriend darrens girlfriend

↓

and he's gettin' ma...

gettin

↓

Look, so what are you gonna do?

↓

Go, my child.

child

↓

Okay. Come on! We've got a wedding to crash!

crash wedding

↓

J.D.: Go, go, go, go! SANDY: Bye, everybody!

everybody sandy

↓

Damn!

↓

Lost another one.

another lost lost-another

↓

Son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

(TIRES SCREECHING)

screeching tires tires-screeching

↓

Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this.

believe

↓

Oh, here. We got you some clothes.

clothes

↓

Uh, where did you get these?

↓

Uh, J.D.'s sister. She's a stripper.

sister stripper

↓

And a hooker. Oh.

hooker

↓

Let's go. Go.

↓

Oh, my gosh. Neil Diamond!

diamond gosh neil neil-diamond

↓

What the hell is going on?

↓

Neil, let me explain.

explain neil

↓

You're the guys who've been sending me all those letters...

letters sending whove

↓

And tapes... And naked pictures.

naked pictures tapes

↓

What? We never sent you any naked pictures.

naked pictures sent

↓

Dude. Sorry.

↓

Look, Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy, Darren.

buddy darren diamond save

↓

He's gonna marry the wrong woman.

marry woman

↓

Look, Sandy and Darren, they broke up.

broke darren sandy

↓

Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise.

aint love rocks surprise

↓

But you gotta help us get them back together.

↓

I don't know.

↓

Come on Neil, turn on your heart light.

heart light neil

↓

Judith brainwashed him. Darren was in love with me, but I never knew it.

brainwashed darren judith love

↓

(ALL CHATTERING) Hold it, hold it, hold it!

chattering

↓

Hold on! And did I mention I was gay?

mention

↓

I've spent my whole life writing songs about the healing power of love.

healing life love power songs spent whole whole-life writing

↓

But, up until right now, they've only been words.

words

↓

This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something.

chance prove words

↓

Now, you say that if Darren marries...

darren

↓

ALL: Judith. Judith he's gonna be miserable.

judith miserable

↓

ALL: Right. I believe in happy endings.

believe endings happy happy-endings

↓

And if Neil Diamond has anything to do with it,

diamond neil neil-diamond

↓

this love story's gonna have one.

love storys

↓

BOTH: Come on! Yeah! Ha!

↓

We got Neil Diamond on board! All right!

board diamond neil neil-diamond

↓

Where are we goin'?

goin

↓

The park on America Avenue.

america avenue park

↓

Five-oh! What?

five

↓

Cops! Caprice. Five cars back.

cars cops five

↓

Goddamn heat. One little prison break and they're all over you.

break goddamn heat prison

↓

Whoa, Coach. Whoa. No matter what happens to me, don't look back.

coach happens matter whoa

↓

Just get this sweet little gal to the man who loves her. Pronto!

loves sweet

↓

I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire

gunfire hail

↓

than to go back to the big house.

house

↓

Nice meetin' you, Mr. Diamond.

diamond

↓

Hey! Wha...

↓

(GROANING)

groaning

↓

( COMING TO AMERICA by Neil Diamond PLAYING)

america coming diamond diamond-playing neil neil-diamond neil-diamond-playing playing

↓

* Far

↓

* We've been traveling far

traveling

↓

Coach, look out!

coach

↓

(SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

(SCREAMING) They're not cops!

cops screaming

↓

* But not without a star

star

↓

* Today

today

↓

Hey, we're comin' to America.

america comin

↓

* Today

today

↓

* They're coming to America today *

america coming today

↓

PRIEST: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

beloved dearly gathered priest today

↓

To join Darren Silverman

darren join

↓

and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony.

holy judith

↓

If anyone has any objections, speak now.

objections speak

↓

I do! ALL: What?

↓

Neil?

neil

↓

* Hello, my friends, hello

friends

↓

Neil! Neil. Get to the part where we say, "I do."

neil part

↓

* It's good to need you so

↓

* It's good to love you

love

↓

* Like I do

↓

* And to feel this way

↓

* When I hear you say

↓

* Hello

↓

* Hello, my friends, hello (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

exclaiming friends

↓

Say, "I do." No.

↓

Say, "I do."

↓

I can't because I...

↓

* I think about you

↓

I love Neil and

love neil

↓

I love Sandy.

love sandy

↓

(CROWD GASPS)

crowd crowd-gasps gasps

↓

You're in love with this slut?

love slut

↓

I am not a slut.

slut

↓

Sandy is my one-and-only someone.

sandy

↓

* Hello

↓

Oh!

↓

What about me?

↓

Who's my someone?

↓

* Hello again, hello

↓

* It's good to need you so

↓

* I think

↓

(CROWD GASPS)

crowd crowd-gasps gasps

↓

You ruined my life!

life ruined

↓

(GROANS) But I saved Darren's!

darrens groans saved

↓

Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough

crazy darren lost

↓

to hook up with you!

hook

↓

(SHOUTING)

shouting

↓

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

crowd exclaiming

↓

Hey! Why can't you just admit

admit

↓

that when you kissed me you liked it?

kissed liked

↓

You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons.

incompetent morons weakness

↓

(CROWD GASPING)

crowd crowd-gasping gasping

↓

Admit it!

admit

↓

(GROANS)

groans

↓

I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need,

assertive strong

↓

and you're the hardcore bitch that I've always dreamed of.

bitch dreamed hardcore

↓

(CHOKING)

choking

↓

(GASPING)

gasping

↓

(GRUNTING)

grunting

↓

* And I know it's late

late

↓

* But I just couldn't wait

↓

* Hello

↓

(GRUNTS)

grunts

↓

What about you?

↓

When are you gonna get hitched?

↓

Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.

↓

Me, too.

↓

Really?

↓

By the power vested in me by the state of Washington,

power power-vested state vested washington

↓

I now pronounce you man and wife.

pronounce wife

↓

You may kiss the bride.

bride kiss

↓

I now pronounce you man and wife.

pronounce wife

↓

You may kiss the bride.

bride kiss

↓

I now pronounce you man and man.

pronounce

↓

You may kiss the man.

kiss

↓

( WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

march playing wedding

↓

(CROWD CHEERING)

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

( HOLLY HOLY by Neil Diamond PLAYING)

diamond diamond-playing holly holly-holy holy neil neil-diamond neil-diamond-playing playing

↓

* Sing

sing

↓

* Sing

sing

↓

* Sing

sing

↓

Come on. We need you for this one!

↓

(CHEERING)

cheering

↓

* Sing

sing

↓

* Sing a song

sing song

↓

* Sing * Sing a song of songs

sing song songs

↓

* Sing

sing

↓

* Sing * Sing it out

sing

↓

* Sing it strong * Sing it

sing strong

↓

Yeah. * Sing it

sing

↓

Yeah. Yeah! * Sing it, sing it

sing

↓

* Yeah

↓

* Yeah

↓

* Call the sun in the dead of night

dead night

↓

* And the sun's gonna rise in the sky

rise suns

↓

* Sun's gonna rise

rise suns

↓

* Touch a man who can't walk upright

touch walk

↓

* And that lame man, he's gonna fly

lame

↓

* He's gonna fly * And I fly

↓

* Fly * Yeah

↓

* Yeah, and I fly

↓

* Holly holy love

holly holly-holy holy love

↓

* Dream of only you

dream

↓

* Holly holy, Holly

holly holly-holy holy

↓

* Holy song

holy song

↓

* Holly holy, Holly

holly holly-holy holy

↓

* Holy rain

holy rain

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah.

↓

(AUDIENCE ROARING)

audience roaring

↓

( I BELIEVE IN HAPPY ENDINGS by Neil Diamond PLAYING)

believe diamond diamond-playing endings happy happy-endings neil neil-diamond neil-diamond-playing playing

↓

* I believe in happy endings

believe endings happy happy-endings

↓

* Starry skies and dreams come true

dreams skies starry

↓

* I've believed it since I first met you

believed

↓

* I believe in new beginnings

believe

↓

* Extra innings, brand new starts

brand extra starts

↓

* Loving hearts that care the way I do

care hearts loving

↓

* All these things and happy endings, too

endings happy happy-endings

↓

* Sad songs bring me right down with the blues

blues bring songs

↓

* Glad songs take me wherever I choose

choose glad songs

↓

* And I choose to be there

choose

↓

* So that I can declare why

declare

↓

* I believe in happy endings

believe endings happy happy-endings

↓

* You're the reason, love's the way

loves reason

↓

* And I'll believe it till my dying day

believe dying till

↓

* I know the cost of tears and trouble

cost tears trouble

↓

* Some get lost, some make it through

lost

↓

* Me, I made it 'cause I always knew

↓

* That you believed in happy endings, too

believed endings happy happy-endings

↓

* Sad songs bring me right down with the blues

blues bring songs

↓

* Glad songs take me wherever I choose

choose glad songs

↓

* And I choose to be there

choose

↓

* So that I can declare that

declare

↓

* I know the cost of tears and troubles

cost tears troubles

↓

* I got lost but I got through

lost

↓

* And I made it 'cause I always knew

↓

* That you believed in happy endings, too

believed endings happy happy-endings

↓

* You and me

↓

* And happy endings

endings happy happy-endings

↓

* Too