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Home » The Cable Guy » S01E01 — The Cable Guy

The Cable Guy

Season 1, Episode 1 — The Cable Guy

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You looked at Ray and said, "l want him to be my boyfriend, -

boyfriend looked

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- but he's got to change. " What are you talking about?

change

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One of the things that initiated a misunderstanding -

initiated misunderstanding

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- was that one day, l didn't want to have sex with him.

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So he starts talking about calling somebody else to do it.

calling somebody starts

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Stop at $4,000!

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You'd been drinking, and you thought you were making love to me.

drinking love

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This differs from a normal massage.

massage normal

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- Jamie, l ... - No!

jamie

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This television funny-man killed his brother in cold blood.

blood brother cold cold-blood funny killed television

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My guests have crushes on food service workers.

food guests service workers

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Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?

cream davis sugar

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Do you want to tell them something?

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l'm really a man.

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Where's the cable guy?

cable

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Rick Legatos, please.

rick

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- Hey Rick, phone. - How's the move going?

phone rick

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The cable guy is missing in action. l hope he gets here before l die.

action cable hope missing

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- You haven't called Robin? - No. l'm giving her her space.

called giving robin space

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- l can't believe she's doing this. - You shouldn't have proposed.

believe proposed

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All she had to do was say no. She didn't have to kick me out.

kick

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- Let's go! - Just give me a minute!

minute

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Listen, a piece of advice ...

advice piece

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Slip the cable guy $50, he'll give you all the movie channels for free.

cable channels free movie slip

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l'm not good at that stuff. What if he says no?

stuff

↓

None of them say no.

↓

- l've got to go. Talk to you later. - All right.

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Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here anymore ...

anymore harris live robin robin-harris steven

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- Cable guy! - Oh, great!

cable

↓

- Cable guy! - Don't leave!

cable

↓

- Wait! - Cable guy!

cable

↓

- l'm coming! - Cable guy!

cable coming

↓

Cable guy!

cable

↓

Cable guy!

cable

↓

Wait! Come back.

↓

- Look who decided to show. - You should have come hours ago.

decided hours

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Should l? So, l'm the tardy one?

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Yeah. l was going to the bed-and-bath place. Now it's closed.

bath closed place

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Maybe l shouldn't have come at all. Jerk off!

jerk

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l'm just joking with you.

joking

↓

The old McNair place! Never thought they'd get the floors clean ...

clean floors mcnair place theyd

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- What happened? - They had a lot of cats.

cats happened

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- Please mail this in when l'm done. - Does it go to your boss?

boss mail

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No, it goes to me. l'm kind of a perfectioniss ...

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Perfectioniss ... t.

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Let's take a look.

↓

This could be a cool pad.

cool

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Come on, baby.

baby

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Come on, baby. Talk to me.

baby

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Tell me where you like it.

↓

Hello, Mama.

mama

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ls this what you want? ls this where you need it?

↓

How about this?

↓

That's your sweet spot, right there.

spot sweet sweet-spot

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Your lady kicked you out.

kicked lady

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What?

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l noticed you were previously wired at 1 2681 l2 Chestnut.

noticed previously wired

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Last week, the billing was transferred to one Robin Harris.

harris robin robin-harris transferred week

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- Smells like heartbreak to me. - l don't want to discuss that.

discuss smells

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- Just install my cable, please. - Suit yourself.

cable install suit

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No sweat off my sack.

sack sweat

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You might want to put on a bathing suit.

bathing bathing-suit might suit

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You'll be channel surfing in no time.

channel surfing

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So ends day 54 of the trial of former child star, Sam Sweet, -

child ends former star sweet trial

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- who has been accused of shooting his brother Stan in cold blood.

accused blood brother cold cold-blood shooting stan

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The twins were stars of the hit sitcom, "Double Trouble".

double sitcom stars trouble twins

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- Who broke this? - He did it!

broke

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Life wasn't sweet after their programme was cancelled.

cancelled life programme sweet

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Sam turned to petty larceny, -

petty turned

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- while his brother fell in with the cult "Brotherhood of Friends".

brother brotherhood cult fell friends

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l hope they fry this bastard.

bastard hope

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What happened?

happened

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Your furniture and appliances were causing problems with the reception.

causing furniture problems reception

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- l moved a few things, okay? - Yeah, l guess.

moved

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l just have some paperwork for you to fill out.

fill paperwork

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lt's a drag. You just get to know somebody and then the job is done.

drag somebody

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Sign here.

sign

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l feel good about this.

↓

Hey, wait!

↓

l have this friend, and he gave his cable guy $50 ...

cable friend

↓

He got all the movie channels for free. Did you ever hear of that?

channels free movie

↓

- You mean illegal cable? - Yeah ...

cable illegal

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- Who told you that? - Forget it.

forget

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You're offering me a bribe.

bribe offering

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That's illegal. You could be fined up to $5,000 or go to jail.

illegal jail

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No, l was just making conversation. Forget it.

conversation forget

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l'm just jerking your chain.

chain jerking

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You are too easy. Wake up. Smell the smelling salt.

easy salt smell smelling wake

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l'll juice you up.

juice

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- One guy doing another guy a solid. - That is so nice.

another solid

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Well, you're a nice guy. Many customers treat me like snot.

customers snot treat

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Here's my personal pager number.

number pager personal

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- The company puts you on hold. - Thanks. You'll get good marks.

company marks thanks

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Maybe l'll show you the satellite, how this whole thing works.

satellite whole works

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- Sure, we should do that one day. - How about tomorrow?

tomorrow

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- Tomorrow's no good. - You'll be stewing about your ex?

tomorrows

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No.

↓

- l crossed the line. Sorry. - You didn't cross the line.

cross crossed line

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Cool! Pick you up at six-thirty.

cool pick thirty

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There are 2 4 classrooms. Each can be converted into a home.

converted home

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There's a swimming pool, tennis courts, a gym and a stage, -

courts pool stage swimming swimming-pool tennis

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- if the residents decide they want to perform ''Oklahoma''.

decide oklahoma perform residents

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- Oklahoma! - lt's available in foreclosure.

available oklahoma

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With a cash bid, we can steal this thing.

cash steal

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Tough room, but you got them.

room tough

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Are you having a little domestic discord?

domestic having

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Robin and l are having difficulties. l think it's only temporary.

having robin temporary

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lf you screw this project up, it's not going to be my ass.

project screw

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- Do you know what l mean? - l'm on it.

↓

l'm more patient. l'm more loving. They tell me this.

loving patient

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There's something in everyone's life they could improve.

everyones improve life

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lf they're doing well financially, maybe their relationships suffer ...

financially relationships suffer

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Call now, and you'll be rushed the "Personal Power Success System. "

personal power rushed success system

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Steven!

steven

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Stevie, time to leavie!

stevie

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Come on down! Are you waiting for an invitation?

invitation waiting

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lt's the fun bus. Come on!

fun

↓

- How's it going? - Hey, buddy!

buddy

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l've had a few drinks, so buckle up.

buckle drinks

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That's my humour. Thanks for coming out.

coming thanks

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Most people never take the time to understand how the cable works.

cable works

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- Where exactly are we going? - To ride the information highway.

highway information ride

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l come up here to think sometimes. Clear my head.

clear head sometimes

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Brace yourself.

brace

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There she is.

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She's sending entertainment and information to millions of citizens.

citizens entertainment information millions sending

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- That's pretty impressive. - l knew you'd appreciate this.

appreciate impressive

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The future is now!

future

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Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer.

computer home phone television

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You'll be able to visit the Louvre, or watch female mud wrestling.

able female visit watch wrestling

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You can shop from your home, or play video games with someone in Vietnam.

games home shop video video-games vietnam

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There's no end to the possibilities!

possibilities

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When l was a kid, my mom worked nights. l never met my father.

father nights worked

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- But the TV was always there. - l know what you mean.

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My dad might as well have been away.

might

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That's tough. You must have a lot of abandonment issues.

issues must tough

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Reality isn't ''Father Knows Best'' any more.

best father knows reality

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lt's a kick in the face with a steel-toe work boot, -

boot face kick steel

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- and a trip to the hospital for reconstructive surgery.

hospital reconstructive surgery trip

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But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

kill makes stronger

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My brother is a speech therapist.

brother speech therapist

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So?

↓

Never mind.

mind

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- You're pretty love-struck, huh? - l miss her.

love miss struck

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- l proposed, and she kicked me out. - l hate that.

hate kicked proposed

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- She said l pressed too hard. - Women are a labyrinth, my friend.

friend hard pressed women

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Can l be frank?

frank

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l don't think you listen to her. You tell her what she wants to hear.

wants

↓

She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is.

knowledge thirst wants

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All the complicated splendor that is woman.

complicated woman

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When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you tenfold.

giving love truly

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You're right. That's incredibly insightful.

incredibly

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lt was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.

final fridays jerry

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Women love ''Sleepless in Seattle.'' lt's on HBO this month.

love month seattle women

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- That's your bait. - Robin loves that movie.

bait loves movie robin

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Tell her you're cooking yourself dinner and watching it by yourself.

cooking dinner watching

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- She'll come running. - Maybe l'll give it a try.

running shell

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lt's embarrassing, l don't even know your name.

embarrassing name

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Do you really want to know my name?

name

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You do?

↓

lt's Ernie Douglas. But my friends call me Chip.

chip douglas ernie friends

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Goodbye.

goodbye

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This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

broadcast click

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l don't listen to you. l pretend to understand.

pretend

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l'm just saying what l think you want to hear.

↓

l'm interested in learning about the complicated splendor that is you.

complicated interested learning

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l can see that taking this time might be good for us. l'm not mad.

might

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- Sometimes time apart is healthy. - You're right.

apart healthy sometimes

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That's what l came here to say.

↓

l have to get back to the office.

office

↓

- What are you doing tomorrow? - Cook dinner and watch a movie.

cook dinner movie tomorrow watch

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- ''Sleepless in Seattle'' is on TV. - l love that movie.

love movie seattle

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Why don't you come by?

↓

- Maybe l will. - Whatever.

↓

l'm Tabitha Soren. Today in the Sam Sweet case, -

case sweet today

↓

- the prosecution played the call Sam made on the night of the murder.

murder night played

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Mr. Sweet confessed one month later.

confessed month sweet

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Oh, my God. My twin brother's been shot.

brothers shot twin

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l think it was an Asian gang or something!

asian gang

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l saw someone. He was speaking another language. l'm pretty sure -

another another-language language speaking

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- it was Asian.

asian

↓

He had the same injury last year.

injury

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You guys play here too?

↓

l thought l'd see if anybody wanted to play round ball.

anybody ball round wanted

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- Great. We need another man. - Chip Douglas, my cable guy.

another cable chip chip-douglas douglas

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We met a week ago, but l feel l've always known him.

known week

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That's sweet.

sweet

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- Chip Douglas, you're on my team. - No way.

chip chip-douglas douglas team

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- l'm on Steven's team. - l'll switch teams. Let's play.

stevens switch team teams

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l've got to warm up! l don't want to pull a hammy.

pull warm

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- Let's get it on . - You any good?

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You'll find out.

↓

Check it.

check

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Looks good.

↓

Let's see what you got, White Shadow.

shadow white

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Foul!

foul

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- That was a travel! - Whatever you say, Chip!

chip travel

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l see. We're playing prison rules, huh?

playing prison rules

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Feed me!

feed

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Steven, l'm open! Feed me the rock!

feed open rock steven

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Chip, over here!

chip

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l love this game.

game love

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- l guess we're done. - Thanks for bringing your friend.

bringing friend thanks

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l never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost.

boost dunk slam slam-dunk thanks

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What are you doing?

↓

- l'm just talking trash. - You ruined the game.

game ruined trash

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Friends don't speak to each other like that.

friends speak

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We're not friends. l don't even know you.

friends

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- Let me buy you a Heineken. - l'm going home.

home

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l guess we'll talk later. l have to do some stuff anyway.

stuff

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You have 1 1 new messages.

messages

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Steven, it's Mom. Call me. l'm still your mother, you know.

mother steven

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Steven, call your mother.

mother steven

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Hey, Steven. Give me a ring. l'm at 555-4329.

ring steven

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l'm at a pay phone. lf you're there, pick up.

phone pick

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l'll be home later.

home

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Okay, l'm home. Give me a buzz when you get in.

buzz home

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lt's me again. l was taking a whiz. Thought you might have called.

called might whiz

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We're having ourselves a game of phone tag here.

game having phone

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l was just blow-drying my hair ... Thought l heard the phone ring.

blow drying hair heard phone phone-ring ring

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l think your machine is ...

machine

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- Hey, good to see you. - You too.

↓

- So how's work? - Work's good.

works

↓

- How's Hal? - The guy has no vision.

vision

↓

lt's like working for Mr. Magoo. And those hair plugs ...

hair hair-plugs magoo plugs working

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He's just an utterly useless person. l think l hate him.

hate person useless utterly

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- lt's nice to see you doing well. - lt's nice just to see you.

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Hey. lt should be on now.

↓

Damn it. The cable's out.

cables

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l know what to do. The cable guy is a friend of mine.

cable friend

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l'm a preferred customer. All l have to do is page him.

customer page preferred

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- Hi. ls there a problem? - My cable's out.

cables problem

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Really? So you called me.

called

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Funny, how you call when you need something.

funny

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- ls that how you treat people? - l've been busy. Robin is here.

busy robin treat

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- This is important. - But calling me back isn't?

calling

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l'm sorry. Can you help me out?

↓

Why should l help you? l gave you free cable.

cable free free-cable

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- What have you ever done for me? - Anything you want.

↓

- Tomorrow night we hang out. - Fine, anything you want.

hang night tomorrow tomorrow-night

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God bless you. You're too good to me.

bless

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All set!

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- What's with the cut cord? - That's for effect. Until tomorrow.

cord effect tomorrow

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She's pretty. Don't kiss her. Don't even touch her.

kiss touch

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Resist the urge at all costs. lt'll pay off in the end.

costs resist urge

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See what l'm saying?

↓

Enjoy the flick.

enjoy flick

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That was fast.

fast

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- Are you okay? - l'm fine. Don't l look fine?

↓

That isn't how it's done. l'd rather just see somebody l like.

somebody

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Get a feeling about them, and ask them if they'd like a drink.

drink feeling theyd

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- Or a slice of pizza? - Does it still work this way?

pizza slice

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- lt doesn't. They ask you. - l'm starting to notice that.

notice starting

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lf you get a new wife, do you get to have sex with her?

wife

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- l certainly hope so. - Will she scratch up your back?

certainly certainly-hope hope scratch

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What?

↓

ln movies, women always scratch the man when they're having sex.

having movies scratch women

↓

- How do you know this? - Jed's got cable.

cable

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- Mommy's got to go out now. - When will l get a brother?

brother mommys

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That's why Mommy is going out.

mommy

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Just sit there with Mr. Babysitter and he'll take good care of you.

babysitter care

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Don't sit so close to that thing. lt's going to rot your brain.

brain close

↓

- Why didn't you take my call? - l can't always pick up the phone.

phone pick

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Your nostrils flare when you're mad.

flare nostrils

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Sorry about yesterday. How did everything go with you?

yesterday

↓

- Keep them closed! - Pretty well. The other night ...

closed night

↓

l want this to be a surprise.

surprise

↓

- Where are we going? - The finest restaurant in town.

finest restaurant town

↓

Open ... sesame.

open sesame

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Medieval Times?

medieval times

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l knew you'd like it. l come twice a week.

twice week

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l'm your serving wench, Melinda. Care for something from the barkeep?

care serving wench

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Dost thust have thou a mug of ale?

thou

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Me mate here, pitched in battle for a fortnight, has a king's thirst.

battle kings mate pitched thirst

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- l'll be right back, My Lord. - My thanks to ye, fair wench.

fair lord thanks wench

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Thanks.

thanks

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- Look, l have to tell you ... - Hold that thought. Show's on.

shows

↓

Welcome to a magnificent journey ... into the past.

journey magnificent past welcome

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This is Medieval Times!

medieval times

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Are you prepared for a night of feasting and sport -

night prepared sport

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- the likes of which you'll never forget?

forget likes

↓

Stand up and cheer for your section's knight!

cheer knight sections stand

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Let the games begin! The blue knight rules!

begin blue games knight rules

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The red knight sucks the big one! You're going down, red knight!

knight sucks

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Going down, down, down! Red knight going down!

knight

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Smite him!

smite

↓

- Could l get a knife and fork? - There were none in medieval times.

fork knife medieval times

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- More Pepsi? - There was Pepsi, but no utensils?

pepsi utensils

↓

l've got a lot of tables.

tables

↓

Can l have your skin? Check this out.

check skin

↓

''Silence of the Lambs.''

lambs silence

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Hello, Clarice. lt's good to see you again.

↓

This has nothing to do with you as a person ...

person

↓

We have reached the climax of our competition.

competition reached

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Two noblemen from our audience will battle to the death.

audience battle death

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Master Steven Kovacs and Lord Chip, come to the fighting pit!

chip fighting lord master steven

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- Let's go. - What's going on?

↓

- We're going to do battle. - ls this a normal part of the show?

battle normal part

↓

No, but l give all the knights free cable.

cable free free-cable knights

↓

- ls it safe? - Yes! That's what the armour's for!

safe

↓

We have to be careful not to hurt each other, right?

careful hurt

↓

l cannot listen to you, for you are my sworn enemy.

cannot enemy sworn

↓

Just take it easy, all right?

easy

↓

Nice move.

↓

Necessity ... is the mother of invention.

invention mother

↓

Come back ... so that l may brain thee!

brain thee

↓

My leg! l have a cramp!

cramp

↓

Are you all right?

↓

l am now.

↓

Oh my God!

↓

That's the spirit! Let's give them a show!

spirit

↓

l'm blinded! My eyes!

eyes

↓

l don't believe you. lt's another trick.

another believe trick

↓

So that's how it's going to be? You want to play rough?

rough

↓

Daddy can play rough!

daddy rough

↓

This is like when Spock fought Kirk. Best friends forced to do battle.

battle best best-friends forced fought friends kirk

↓

Chip, this isn't funny! Stop it!

chip funny

↓

The name is Spock. lf we don't fight to the death, they'll kill us both.

death fight kill name

↓

This isn't ''Star Trek''.

star star-trek trek

↓

Goodbye, Jim.

goodbye

↓

Good fight.

fight

↓

Keep eating!

eating

↓

Quickly! Muster atop your steed.

atop muster quickly steed

↓

Get on the friggin' horse. l don't think he's kidding.

friggin horse kidding

↓

- Don't do this! - Good luck to you!

luck

↓

- This is our destiny! - No, it's not!

destiny

↓

- Yes, it is! - No, it isn't!

↓

Are you all right?

↓

Well done, good sir. You are the victor.

victor

↓

But we will meet again.

meet

↓

Did you hear that?

↓

- You have a warrior's instinct. - l had a real feeling of power.

feeling instinct power real warriors

↓

lf Robin had seen you, she'd be begging you to come back.

begging robin seen shed

↓

These knights get laid all the time!

knights laid

↓

We should go again next week.

week

↓

- You have no messages. - Nobody loves you.

loves messages nobody

↓

l left something in the living room. Will you check it out for me?

check left living living-room room

↓

Just a little piece of equipment.

equipment piece

↓

- What do you think? - What is all this?

↓

lt appears as if someone has updated your home entertainment system.

appears entertainment home system updated

↓

l got you the big-screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine -

deluxe karaoke karaoke-machine machine screen

↓

- and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream his pants.

cream george pants quality sound

↓

- You got in here when l was out? - How else could l get the stuff in?

stuff

↓

- How much did all of this cost? - Practically nothing.

cost practically

↓

l have a connection. l hook him up, he hooks me up.

connection hook hooks

↓

- l can't accept this. - Why not?

accept

↓

You give me something more valuable. Friendship.

friendship valuable

↓

You give me friendship. We're even. You have to take this stuff back.

friendship stuff

↓

- Can l leave it here till Saturday. - Sure. No problem.

problem saturday till

↓

Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven doesn't live here any more ...

harris live robin robin-harris steven

↓

Hey, it's Steven. l'm still trying to reach you ...

reach steven

↓

l'm at the office. Call me.

office

↓

- How's it going? - Good.

↓

Good. Keep it up. lt's your ass.

↓

lt's Robin on line two.

line robin

↓

l had the best time the other night. When will l see you again?

best night

↓

- How about tomorrow? - Chip!

chip tomorrow

↓

l knew l'd get you on the phone that way.

phone

↓

Let's break the cherry on that karaoke machine.

break cherry karaoke karaoke-machine machine

↓

- What does that mean? - Karaoke jam. No ifs, ands or buts.

buts karaoke

↓

Maybe a few buts. Big ones!

buts ones

↓

You're going on a date?

date

↓

We're not officially back together. And you said time apart is good.

apart officially

↓

Yes. Time apart from each other, but not with other people.

apart

↓

That's time with someone else.

↓

- l love you, but l have to go. Bye. - Bye.

love

↓

This is just a sign that you need to live a little.

live sign

↓

- She's having fun. You should, too. - Maybe you're right.

fun having

↓

- l got you a little something. - You said we were even.

↓

You're breaking the rules. What is it?

breaking rules

↓

LOOSE YOUR LlSP lN 30 DAYS

days loose

↓

My brother thought it might help you.

brother might

↓

- This is ... There's no words ... - lt's no big deal.

deal words

↓

Yes, it is! lt is to me.

↓

Now l'm on a mission.

mission

↓

This is going to be the best damn karaoke jam ever.

best karaoke

↓

We're really bopping!

bopping

↓

- You have some nice friends. - They're just preferred customers.

customers friends preferred

↓

Chick alert, two o'clock. What a licorice!

alert chick oclock

↓

- Don't look. - You're just playing with me.

playing

↓

- She's all over you. - Shut up.

↓

l'd strike while the iron is hot. He who hesitates, masturbates.

iron strike

↓

Go.

↓

- Hey. l'm Steven. - Heather.

heather steven

↓

- Can l get you a beer? - How about a tequila?

beer tequila

↓

Hi, Rick.

rick

↓

That'll be a good one.

thatll

↓

- Glad you accepted my invitation. - Steven invited me.

accepted glad invitation invited steven

↓

He's having a super time.

having super

↓

He's changing. You'll have to learn to live with that.

changing learn live

↓

l don't know what your story is, but l'm going to find out.

story

↓

Don't dig too deep. You might get burned by the molten lava.

burned deep lava might molten

↓

l'm out of here.

↓

Thank you.

↓

The soothing sounds of Raoul, ladies and gentlemen.

gentlemen ladies soothing sounds

↓

- You had honey in your voice. - Do a song for us.

honey song voice

↓

No, l couldn't.

↓

All right, already!

↓

l fought the law, and the law won.

fought

↓

Jefferson Airplane performed this song in ''Gimme Shelter'', -

airplane jefferson shelter song

↓

- a film about how the Hell's Angels had their way at a Stones concert.

angels concert film hells stones

↓

Tonight ... it's my turn.

tonight

↓

- What do you do? - Can we talk in the other room?

room

↓

We just had a baby born at the party.

baby born party

↓

We need an ambulance over by the scaffolding.

ambulance

↓

Shut the door!

door

↓

lt's the summer of love, baby. Let's leave these two alone.

alone baby love love-baby summer

↓

Smile! That's going to be a good one.

smile

↓

Good morning, and how are we today?

morning today

↓

l borrowed this sweatshirt. Bacon and eggs, coming up.

bacon borrowed coming eggs sweatshirt

↓

- Where did Heather go? - She left early this morning.

early heather left morning

↓

You cad.

↓

- What a night. Just what l needed. - l'll tell you something.

needed night

↓

You look like a new man.

↓

l was getting so used to rejection. l really liked her.

liked rejection used

↓

lt was my treat.

treat

↓

- What do you mean? - You can buy next time.

↓

- Don't let your eggs get cold. - Buy what?

cold eggs

↓

What do you mean, buy what? The women.

women

↓

Do you mean that Heather is a prostitute?

heather prostitute

↓

Of course. We couldn't get a woman like that without paying.

course paying woman

↓

This can't be happening.

↓

lt's okay. She's totally clean. l checked her out about a week ago.

checked clean week

↓

To make sure she was good. And l'm healthy as a horse ... Not a drip.

drip healthy horse

↓

- Would you like some juice? - You're kidding. She's your friend.

friend juice kidding

↓

- l wish l had friends like that. - Get out of my house!

friends house wish

↓

She was a working girl, but she liked you.

girl liked working

↓

You might even have got a freebie.

might

↓

l don't ever want to see you again. Robin will never forgive me.

forgive robin

↓

Don't tell her. l'll help you get her back.

↓

l want you out of my apartment. And get this stuff out of here.

apartment stuff

↓

Why are you doing this? You're sabotaging yourself.

sabotaging

↓

Out! Now!

↓

Everything was going so well.

↓

l made you breakfast, and we were eating ...

breakfast eating

↓

Out!

↓

l'll fix this. l can make it cool again.

cool

↓

This is just a speed bump!

bump speed speed-bump

↓

- May l help you? - No. l'm meeting someone here.

meeting

↓

l apologize about last night. l came home and l just fell asleep.

apologize asleep fell fell-asleep home night

↓

Most appreciated.

appreciated

↓

Gail tells me you're coming out of a relationship.

coming gail relationship tells

↓

- We're in a holding pattern. - A holding pattern?

holding pattern

↓

You need to come down and refuel.

↓

You're sexy.

sexy

↓

You've been working hard. Take a break.

break hard working working-hard

↓

Excuse me. What's the story with our chicken?

chicken excuse story

↓

Have the eggs had a chance to hatch? Maybe you can go check on it for me.

chance check eggs hatch

↓

l'm sorry to put you out.

↓

Unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

l'm hysterical now. What were we talking about?

hysterical

↓

- What's your job like? - lt's a little crazy right now ...

crazy

↓

Wait. l need to use the head. l want to find out about your job.

head

↓

What's with the chicken?

chicken

↓

- Enjoy your meal. - Thank you.

enjoy meal

↓

- Good evening, sir. - Hey, stretch.

evening stretch

↓

- Pleasant night, isn't it? - Yeah, not too bad.

night pleasant

↓

The weather is always nice in here. The winters are remarkably mild!

mild remarkably weather winters

↓

- lf you need anything, let me know! - l got it under control!

control

↓

- Unbelievable. - lt's no trouble.

trouble unbelievable

↓

What is your ..?

↓

People rarely take advantage of my services. l'll help you wash up.

advantage rarely services wash

↓

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

↓

You're on a big date.

date

↓

You'll need to look your best.

best

↓

That'll take care of the shine. Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!

care eyebrows pluck shine thatll

↓

She loves me, she loves me not. She loves me ...

loves

↓

... she loves me not.

loves

↓

A little Jose Eber ...

↓

A touch of Alfalfa ...

alfalfa touch

↓

We're ready to dry you off!

ready

↓

Right into the buckle. That's got to hurt!

buckle hurt

↓

Suck the air.

suck

↓

You look just like Dizzy Gillespie.

dizzy

↓

Don't worry about the tip. But l've got one for you.

worry

↓

Stay away from Robin. She's taken.

robin taken

↓

A man was beaten in a restroom by a bathroom attendant.

attendant bathroom beaten restroom

↓

The victim is unable to speak, but witnesses described the assailant.

described speak unable victim witnesses

↓

Tonight on UPN: The trial that has captured the nation.

captured nation tonight trial

↓

Everyone awaits the verdict, but we're showing the movie now.

awaits movie showing verdict

↓

- Cry - baby. - l love you.

baby love

↓

- No, Sammy! - Look who's crying now.

crying sammy

↓

Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet in "Brother Sweet Brother".

brother eric eric-roberts roberts stan sweet

↓

Parental discretion advised.

parental

↓

- Who is it? - lt's the cable guy!

cable

↓

My cable's fine.

cables

↓

l have an upgrade order for one Robin Harris.

harris order robin robin-harris upgrade

↓

l didn't order that.

order

↓

l guess you have a secret admirer.

admirer secret secret-admirer

↓

- ls it a man named Steven? - l can't say.

named steven

↓

l promised Steven l wouldn't say. Oh, look what l've done.

promised steven

↓

- You didn't hear it from me. - Hold on.

↓

- Male witches are the worst kind. - He's not a witch.

male witch witches worst

↓

That about does it. My work is done.

↓

That was hot up there.

↓

- Are you a friend of Steven's? - l'm proud to say that l am.

friend proud stevens

↓

l recently installed his cable and we just hit it off.

cable installed recently

↓

- Are you guys going out a lot? - Not really.

↓

That guy is devoted to you.

devoted

↓

l shouldn't be telling you this ...

telling

↓

... but he thinks you're the cat's pyjamas.

cats thinks

↓

Did he say that?

↓

Only every five minutes. Frankly l'm sick of hearing it.

five five-minutes frankly hearing minutes sick

↓

He's a good man.

↓

He mentioned that you've had some problems.

mentioned problems

↓

- lt's a little complicated. - lt always is.

complicated

↓

l asked a woman to marry me once.

asked marry woman

↓

She wanted to think about it. We agreed to take some time apart.

agreed apart wanted

↓

You know ... give each other space.

space

↓

She's no longer with us.

longer

↓

l'm sorry.

↓

Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

gone sometimes till

↓

Promise me you'll never go bungee jumping in Mexico.

jumping mexico promise

↓

- l promise. - Anyway ...

promise

↓

l've said too much.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Cherish him, Robin. Every hair on his head.

cherish hair head robin

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Hello. - l love you.

love

↓

Robin? l love you, too.

love robin

↓

That was so sweet of you.

sweet

↓

- You didn't have to do that. - l ... l wanted to.

wanted

↓

Giving me free cable. Only you would do something like that.

cable free free-cable giving

↓

l wanted to do something for you, but you needed space, so ...

needed space wanted

↓

Let's not make any more rules.

rules

↓

- Call me later if you're around. - Sure, as soon as l get home.

home

↓

- Bye. - Bye.

↓

- Are you ready to rock? - The concert. Oh, Jesus.

concert jesus ready rock

↓

l think Robin and l are getting back together.

robin

↓

So you're blowing me off again. l won't put up with it any more.

blowing

↓

- Can't you ask someone else to go? - Maybe l'll take my cable guy.

cable

↓

l'll call you later ...

↓

Pretty smooth work. l set them up, you knock them down.

knock smooth

↓

- What? - Robin. l got her back for you.

robin

↓

- How do you know about us? - Free cable's an aphrodisiac.

cables free

↓

- Don't mess around with my life. - l wanted to make things up to you.

life mess wanted

↓

Do you want to catch a flick?

catch flick

↓

l appreciate you helping me out with Robin.

appreciate helping robin

↓

Now l'll have to work extra hard not to screw things up again.

extra hard screw

↓

You're a nice guy, but l just don't have time for a new friend.

friend

↓

- What are you trying to say? - l don't want to be your friend.

friend

↓

l appreciate your honesty. You're a straight shooter.

appreciate honesty shooter straight

↓

- So you're all right? - l'm a big boy.

↓

lt's no big deal. Whatever.

deal

↓

- You're sure? - Uh-huh. l'm fine.

↓

- Robin Harris. - Hey, it's Chip Douglas.

chip chip-douglas douglas harris robin robin-harris

↓

- Chip Douglas? - The cable guy.

cable chip chip-douglas douglas

↓

- What's up? - l'm worried about Steven.

steven worried

↓

- What is it? - He doesn't seem like himself.

↓

- Have you noticed anything? - No. Things are going really well.

noticed

↓

Good. That makes me feel better.

makes

↓

- Should l be worried? - No. Maybe l'm being too nervous.

nervous worried

↓

Let's just keep our eyes open.

eyes eyes-open open

↓

- Bye. - Bye-bye.

↓

Stevie, you did it, man.

stevie

↓

You put our cajones on the table and you slam-dunked it.

slam table

↓

Way to go. Now they'll probably give him my job.

↓

- On to the next order of business. - Steven, l need to talk to you.

business order steven

↓

We have to find an architect.

architect

↓

- l need to talk to you. - lt shall wait.

↓

- ls there a Steven Kovacs here? - Yeah. What's the problem?

problem steven

↓

You're under arrest for receiving stolen property.

arrest property receiving stolen

↓

- l don't know anything about this. - Do not speak until spoken to.

speak spoken

↓

You have the right to remain silent.

remain remain-silent silent

↓

- You have the right to an attorney. - l didn't accept any stolen goods.

accept attorney goods stolen

↓

Deluxe karaoke machine. Big - screen TV ...

deluxe karaoke karaoke-machine machine screen

↓

Cream his pants ...

cream pants

↓

l can't believe you did this.

believe

↓

He gave you a big-screen TV and a hi-fi system as a present?

present screen system

↓

- l swear it's true. - Why would you accept such gifts?

accept gifts swear

↓

- l don't know. - What's going on? Are you on pot?

↓

l didn't do anything! Just call my cable guy.

cable

↓

Nobody named Chip Douglas works for the cable company.

cable chip chip-douglas company douglas named nobody works

↓

- This can't be happening. - lt's killing your mother.

killing mother

↓

- When can you get me out? - There'll be no bail hearing today.

bail hearing therell today

↓

You have to spend the weekend here.

spend weekend

↓

Look at the pretty boy!

↓

They call me the pumper. l'll be your friend.

friend

↓

Lock down!

lock

↓

You hear anything?

↓

l came as soon as l could.

↓

- What's your real name? - Larry Tate. That's not important.

larry name real real-name

↓

We have to get you out of here. l was watching Court TV.

court watching

↓

l'll talk to the judge. l'll put the system on trial!

judge system trial

↓

- Why are you doing this to me? - You did this to you.

↓

- You set me up. - No. l taught you a lesson.

lesson taught

↓

l can be your friend or your enemy. You seem to prefer the latter.

enemy friend prefer

↓

l'm just here to comfort you.

comfort

↓

Touch it. You need human contact.

contact human touch

↓

l will not touch it.

touch

↓

- What are you doing? - l know how you're feeling!

feeling

↓

- Don't do that. - l'm here for you!

↓

Don't do that! You'll get me killed!

killed

↓

Oh, Billy.

billy

↓

l'm just messing with you.

messing

↓

Remember ''Midnight Express''? Oliver Stone won an Academy Award.

academy award express midnight oliver remember stone

↓

Awesome scene.

awesome scene

↓

This is the man who framed me!

framed

↓

Hey Bernie, how's that sports package?

bernie package sports

↓

Don't worry about Robin. l'll take care of her.

care robin worry

↓

- lf you go near her, l'll kill you. - That's it. Let's go!

kill near

↓

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

broadcast click

↓

- You've been blowing me off. - This guy's doing a number on me.

blowing number

↓

- l told you to stay away from him. - You said l could get free cable.

cable free free-cable

↓

Did l tell you to have a karaoke jam with him?

karaoke

↓

l'm out on bail.

bail

↓

l'll see if l can track him down. What was his name?

name track

↓

Larry Tate. But at first he said his name was Chip Douglas.

chip chip-douglas douglas larry name

↓

Chip Douglas? That sounds familiar.

chip chip-douglas douglas familiar sounds sounds-familiar

↓

- Are you okay? - l'm fine.

↓

- You're not fine. - l just want to get this over with.

↓

l hate visiting my parents.

hate parents visiting

↓

ls this guy cool? Just joking. Come in, you psycho.

cool joking psycho

↓

- What is he doing here? - l invited him.

invited

↓

- l invited him at lunch. - At lunch?

invited lunch

↓

- You look great. - And you are a vision.

vision

↓

- You look rested. - Come here.

rested

↓

- What's wrong? You seem weird. - You had me sent to jail.

jail sent weird

↓

- l should take you to the police. - You can if you like.

police

↓

But l'd hate to have to show Robin this.

hate robin

↓

- Bastard! - Let's just have a good time.

bastard

↓

Steven is carrying his battle axe and chasing me ...

battle carrying chasing steven

↓

So l say, ''Hey, it's just a show!''

↓

- He takes things too seriously. - The guy almost took my head off.

head takes

↓

Did never played Porno Password? lt's the adult version of the show.

adult password played porno version

↓

Robin, you're on my team. Steven ... you're with Mom.

robin steven team

↓

You're the judges.

judges

↓

Pick a word.

pick word

↓

The password is ...

password

↓

Vagina.

vagina

↓

- l really don't want to play. - Come on, Steven.

steven

↓

Woman.

woman

↓

- Woman. - Man?

woman

↓

Penis.

penis

↓

Penis.

penis

↓

- Penis. - Vagina.

penis vagina

↓

She got vagina!

vagina

↓

- l would have said ''schlong''. - Now we're starting to get this!

starting

↓

The password is ...

password

↓

Nipple.

nipple

↓

- Can l pass? - Don't be a stick in the mud!

pass stick

↓

Breast.

breast

↓

Breast.

breast

↓

Tit?

↓

Remember his clue.

clue remember

↓

Hard.

hard

↓

- Erection? - No. But thanks for noticing.

erection noticing thanks

↓

- Your turn! - Center.

center

↓

Center.

center

↓

- Center! - Nipple?

center nipple

↓

- She got it! - Mom.

↓

The password is ...

password

↓

l'm not sure how to say this.

↓

That little thing ...

↓

- l can't say that to my mother. - She can handle it.

handle mother

↓

l won't do it. l've had enough!

↓

- lt's just skin, Steven. - l don't want to do it any more!

skin steven

↓

- You're overreacting. - No! He's fooling you all.

fooling overreacting

↓

- He's a lunatic and a felon. - Everybody just relax.

everybody felon lunatic relax

↓

- We knew this would happen. - Nothing is happening!

happen

↓

This is a safe place. You're with people who love you.

love place safe safe-place

↓

- We love you. - l hate you! Get out of my life!

hate life love

↓

- He's angry with me. l should go. - No.

angry

↓

- You are being an asshole. - Do you see what's happening?

asshole

↓

- You're hitting bottom. - Stay away.

bottom hitting

↓

This is where the healing begins. Come on.

begins healing

↓

Robin showed me her birthmark. lt's very sexy.

robin sexy showed

↓

What the hell is wrong with you?

↓

Thanks for the delightful evening. l guess l'll be leaving now.

delightful evening leaving thanks

↓

l forgive you. l only hope my neurologist will feel the same.

forgive hope

↓

- Did anybody notice l'm late? - You've been here for an hour.

anybody hour late notice

↓

- Did anybody notice l'm late? - You've been here for an hour.

anybody hour late notice

↓

HELLO STEVEN l'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU

present steven

↓

- How's Hal? - The man has no vision.

vision

↓

lt's like working for Mr. Magoo. lf only someone would dump him.

dump magoo working

↓

And those hair plugs ...

hair hair-plugs plugs

↓

- Hair plugs. Hair plugs ... - Oh, shit.

hair hair-plugs plugs

↓

He's so pathetic. l think l hate him. Hate him ...

hate pathetic

↓

lf only someone would dump him.

dump

↓

l ... l don't hate you.

hate

↓

- Those hair plugs. - Get out!

hair hair-plugs plugs

↓

Chip!

chip

↓

This isn't funny!

funny

↓

Where are you?

↓

lf you build it, he will come.

build

↓

- Hello? - Bingo! ''My Three Sons''.

bingo sons three

↓

- Chip and Ernie Douglas. - l have a list of ex-cable men.

cable chip douglas ernie list

↓

Murray Slaughter.

murray slaughter

↓

George Jetson. Jean Luc Picard.

george jean jetson

↓

- Someone called the Big Ragoo. - Carmine, from ''Laverne & Shirley''.

called carmine laverne shirley

↓

Anyway, the cable company in town fired a guy six months ago.

cable company fired months town

↓

His boss was Larry Tate, from a show called ''Bewitched''.

boss called larry

↓

- He's not with the cable company? - Yahtzee!

cable company yahtzee

↓

They fired him for stalking customers. You better lock up tight.

customers fired lock stalking tight

↓

ln the Sam Sweet Trial, the jury is close to a verdict.

close jury sweet trial verdict

↓

They will continue deliberating into the evening hours.

continue evening hours

↓

The day started real nice, but now the moisture is increasing.

increasing moisture real started

↓

We see thunderstorms ...

↓

Cable guy!

cable

↓

Cable guy!

cable

↓

Jesucristo!

↓

Cable guy!

cable

↓

Okay, l'm going!

↓

See you! Bye.

↓

l just want to hang out! No big deal!

deal hang

↓

- Hello? - We could have been blood brothers.

blood brothers

↓

But you're too needy. lt's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.

needy real robin

↓

The cable company fired you.

cable company fired

↓

Hold on. l have a call waiting.

waiting

↓

- l know it's you. - Sorry. Where was l?

↓

- Can't we work this out? - l wish we could.

wish

↓

- l'm just so tired, Steven. - Where are you?

steven tired

↓

l'd love to chat, but l'm getting together with a lady friend.

chat friend lady lady-friend love

↓

- You might know her. - Stay away from her!

might

↓

- Robin! - She just left with the cable guy!

cable left robin

↓

Where were they going?

↓

l heard him say they were taking a ride on the information highway.

heard highway information ride

↓

The future is now!

future

↓

Soon every home will integrate their television, phone and computer!

computer home phone television

↓

You'll be able to visit the Louvre, or watch female mud wrestling.

able female visit watch wrestling

↓

You can shop from your home, or play video games with someone in Vietnam.

games home shop video video-games vietnam

↓

l want to go home now. l'm worried about Steven.

home steven worried

↓

- Help! - Robin!

robin

↓

Where are you?

↓

- Steven! - l'm coming!

coming steven

↓

- Help me! - Hang on!

hang

↓

- Steven, look out! - Yes, Steven! Look out!

steven

↓

''Dry land is not a myth!'' Kevin Costner, ''Waterworld''.

kevin land myth

↓

- Leave him alone! - l saw that movie six times!

alone movie times

↓

lsn't it funny that we ended up like this?

ended funny

↓

You'll have to do better than that, Steven.

steven

↓

My lisp is gone!

gone

↓

You stupid son-of-a-bitch.

bitch stupid

↓

- Stop it! Steven! - l'm coming!

coming steven

↓

The trouble with real life is, there's no danger music.

danger life music real real-life trouble

↓

Nice jump, Spiderman!

jump

↓

Steven called the fuzz!

called steven

↓

Bad boys, what you gonna do?

boys

↓

Skooch over just a tad.

↓

Here comes our hero.

comes hero

↓

- lt didn't have to be this way. - What are you planning to do?

planning

↓

l don't really have a plan. l'm going moment to moment now.

moment plan

↓

You have to admit, it's a cool place for an ending.

admit cool ending place

↓

- An ending to what? - lt's like ''Golden Eye''.

ending golden

↓

This isn't a movie! This is reality!

movie reality

↓

This is the police! You're trespassing in a restricted area!

area police restricted

↓

l just wanted to be your friend ...

friend wanted

↓

... but l screwed it up.

screwed

↓

- You are in a high - voltage area! - What's that?

area

↓

Come again?

↓

You want me to quiet down and chill out in front of the TV?

chill front quiet

↓

You were never there for me, were you, Mother?

mother

↓

You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me.

brady carol expected mike raise

↓

l'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! l'm the lost Cunningham!

bastard claire lost

↓

l learned the facts of life ... from watching ''The Facts of Life''!

facts learned life watching

↓

That's it.

↓

That's what l have to do!

↓

No. Don't do that!

↓

- Let's go out and have a Heineken. - Yeah!

↓

l'm not thirsty any more.

thirsty

↓

See ya.

↓

You're not going anywhere!

↓

lt's okay! l understand my purpose now!

purpose

↓

Don't do this. You just need help. We all get lonely.

lonely

↓

But l get really lonely. Look at me!

lonely

↓

- l'll be your pal. Just come on up! - No. lt's too late for me.

late

↓

But there are a lot of cable boys and girls who still have a chance!

boys cable chance girls

↓

Don't you understand, Steven?

steven

↓

Somebody has to kill the babysitter.

babysitter kill somebody

↓

This is the moment we've been waiting for. The jury is ready ...

jury moment ready waiting

↓

The jury has notified the judge that they've reached a verdict.

judge jury notified reached verdict

↓

- The moment of truth ... - Jacob Sweet has been found ...

found jacob moment sweet truth

↓

Help.

↓

Preferred customer, my ass!

customer preferred

↓

Squad 51 . Man down. Possible back injury.

injury possible squad

↓

We'll need an lV with D-5-W.

↓

Check vital signs.

check signs vital

↓

Prepare to defibrillate!

prepare

↓

Wait!

↓

You two will be just fine.

↓

Take care of him, Robin. He's good people.

care robin

↓

You never told me your real name.

name real real-name

↓

You still want to know my name?

name

↓

lt's ... Ricardo.

↓

Ricky Ricardo.

ricky

↓

l'm just messing with you.

messing

↓

Let's go home.

home

↓

Hang in there, pal! You're going to make it, buddy!

buddy hang

↓

- Am l really your buddy? - Yeah, sure you are!

buddy