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» S02E06 — Bad Decisions
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Season 2, Episode 6 — Bad Decisions
Come on, gotta hustle. We got seven minutes till boarding.
#1
⇓
Okay, honey. Slow down. Hey, hey, hi.
#2
⇓
- Okay. - Let's take a breath.
#3
⇓
Okay.
#4
⇓
- I'm sorry. I'm just... - Yeah.
#5
⇓
I'm really excited about this trip. I mean, we've never been to Barbados.
#6
⇓
I know, but we can calm down, okay?
#7
⇓
- Okay. - There's like nobody here.
#8
⇓
I think we're gonna be fine.
#9
⇓
Yeah, you're right. Sorry.
#10
⇓
We'll be all right.
#11
⇓
Attention, passengers...
#12
⇓
- Next. - Hi.
#13
⇓
Hello. ID, please.
#14
⇓
- Thank you. Have a safe trip. - Thank you.
#15
⇓
Hi, there.
#16
⇓
One second, sir.
#17
⇓
- Sorry. - Hey, Patricia!
#18
⇓
What's up, twin? You ready to switch?
#19
⇓
Yes, ma'am.
#20
⇓
All right.
#21
⇓
- Get your white ass over here. - I'm coming. Damn.
#22
⇓
- Hey, boo. - You are glowing!
#23
⇓
- I'll tell you why when I come back. - Oh shit.
#24
⇓
Kev gave you a workout, huh?
#25
⇓
A workout!
#26
⇓
- Ooh! Shit. - Here you go.
#27
⇓
Sir, I still got 30 more seconds of break.
#28
⇓
Excuse me, ma'am, it's just I'm running a little late,
#29
⇓
and I've got to get to my gate. Pardon me.
#30
⇓
You're acting like I’m the one that set your alarm. I didn't do that shit.
#31
⇓
Gosh, I wish you had been there to help wake me up this morning.
#32
⇓
Ugh.
#33
⇓
No, thank you. Wake you up?
#34
⇓
- Tickle your nuts? I don't think so. - Oh, no, I-I didn't mean it like that.
#35
⇓
Okay, next.
#36
⇓
Okay, next.
#36
⇓
Uh, excuse me. Do you hand things to your lady like that?
#37
⇓
Uh, excuse me. Do you hand things to your lady like that?
#37
⇓
Hand that shit to me softer.
#38
⇓
Hand that shit to me softer.
#38
⇓
Softer?
#39
⇓
Softer?
#39
⇓
Yeah, softer.
#40
⇓
Yeah, softer.
#40
⇓
Thank you.
#41
⇓
Thank you.
#41
⇓
Look in the camera.
#42
⇓
Look in the camera.
#42
⇓
Can you take your goofy-ass hat off, please?
#43
⇓
Can you take your goofy-ass hat off, please?
#43
⇓
Sure. Sorry.
#44
⇓
Dang, you got a big-ass head.
#45
⇓
Yeah, you know, they-- they say that's actually a sign of intelligence.
#46
⇓
They say that Einstein had a big ol' melon.
#47
⇓
Ooh, that's the dude with the freaky-ass island, huh?
#48
⇓
No, you're thinking of Jeffrey Epstein.
#49
⇓
Shit.
#50
⇓
Hey, big-head Epstein coming through!
#51
⇓
- Thank you. - Next.
#52
⇓
A reminder, shoes stay on.
#53
⇓
Belts come off.
#54
⇓
Large electronics into a separate bin.
#55
⇓
Why are your shoes on?
#56
⇓
I thought the guy just said that you don't have to take your shoes off.
#57
⇓
- What guy? - I think it was this gentleman right here.
#58
⇓
I thought that's what he said.
#59
⇓
Did you just call me a nigga?
#60
⇓
No, I just... I just thought that you'd said--
#61
⇓
- I ain't say nothing. - So, excuse me, shoes off?
#62
⇓
- No, excuse you. - Listen up! Shoes off!
#63
⇓
- Shoes on. - Belts on.
#64
⇓
- Belts off. Jackets on. - Okay, I apologize.
#65
⇓
- Get my shoes off. - Think he OBJ.
#66
⇓
Step in.
#67
⇓
Hands over your head.
#68
⇓
Hold them there.
#69
⇓
Step out.
#70
⇓
It's telling me I'm gonna have to do a secondary screening.
#71
⇓
Do we have your consent for a secondary screening?
#72
⇓
Okay, just-- just go ahead. I'll meet you at the gate.
#73
⇓
Okay.
#74
⇓
This will just take a couple minutes, sir.
#75
⇓
- Oh, you bringing someone home with that. - You know that's right.
#76
⇓
Patricia for a secondary screening.
#77
⇓
Copy. I gotta go.
#78
⇓
Bye, bitch.
#79
⇓
Did you say Patricia?
#80
⇓
Tracy!
#81
⇓
- What's up, girl? - I drank your Pepsi Max.
#82
⇓
- That's all right. - Oh shit.
#83
⇓
- You still here? - How you doing?
#84
⇓
- That's wild as hell. - I know, yeah.
#85
⇓
Okay, spread 'em.
#86
⇓
Okay.
#87
⇓
What is this shit?
#88
⇓
Ooh! Your gooch thick.
#89
⇓
That could be a problem. You need to see the dick and balls doctor.
#90
⇓
Prostate guy, yeah. Thank you.
#91
⇓
What you got in here?
#92
⇓
Ma'am, how much longer do you think this is gonna take?
#93
⇓
I've really got to make this flight.
#94
⇓
You think you could not grow when my hands are here?
#95
⇓
I don't think I'm growing.
#96
⇓
I saw your lady earlier.
#97
⇓
I don't think she would like to know the way you lookin' at another woman.
#98
⇓
- How am I looking at you? - Like that.
#99
⇓
Like you're trying to get with me.
#100
⇓
You know, people say I look like Rihanna.
#101
⇓
Yeah, yeah.
#102
⇓
She's a beauty.
#103
⇓
- Fuck! - What?
#104
⇓
Shit.
#105
⇓
Your dumb-ass leg broke my nail.
#106
⇓
Yeah.
#107
⇓
May I get going now?
#108
⇓
Yeah, get your ass out of here.
#109
⇓
- Good to see you. - Take your ass this way.
#110
⇓
- Go get your motherfucking bag. - Fuck.
#111
⇓
Come on, come on.
#112
⇓
Oh shit!
#113
⇓
Teddy, look at this shit.
#114
⇓
Look at this man get clipped by a whole-ass semi truck.
#115
⇓
Come on.
#116
⇓
Patricia, that ain't real. That's AI.
#117
⇓
How you know?
#118
⇓
Well, the driver of the truck is, uh, Peter Griffin.
#119
⇓
He's normally like a cartoon character.
#120
⇓
That's a real man. What the hell is AI?
#121
⇓
Oh shit.
#122
⇓
Patricia, your crazy ass made me miss a bag.
#123
⇓
I gotta put that one back through.
#124
⇓
That's my bad. I'll take care of it. Don't worry.
#125
⇓
Whose raggedy-ass bag is this?
#126
⇓
Ugh. This bag stank.
#127
⇓
- Just have at it. - All right.
#128
⇓
Let's do this.
#129
⇓
Let's see what nasty shit you got in here.
#130
⇓
Ooh.
#131
⇓
This camera got lithium batteries?
#132
⇓
You know what? Just keep the camera.
#133
⇓
Okay. Teddy!
#134
⇓
- You be taking pictures, right? - Sure do.
#135
⇓
I know you do, with your freak ass. Here.
#136
⇓
Christmas came early, motherfucker.
#137
⇓
You know I take care of mine.
#138
⇓
- Thank you. - All right, take some of me.
#139
⇓
I repeat, this is the final boarding call...
#140
⇓
Let me turn around for you a second.
#141
⇓
I'm trying to look like Solange.
#142
⇓
- You do. You're beautiful. - Thank you.
#143
⇓
- You look good. - I know what you like, Teddy.
#144
⇓
Will you cut the shit?
#145
⇓
Excuse you?
#146
⇓
What is your problem with me, lady?
#147
⇓
You have singled me out
#148
⇓
and made this a beyond hellish experience.
#149
⇓
And you're making me feel...
#150
⇓
I feel like I'm gonna explode.
#151
⇓
He got a bomb!
#152
⇓
A terrorist attack has been averted at the Atlanta airport.
#153
⇓
The suspect, Mark Wicker,
#154
⇓
was stopped by TSA agents and found to be carrying
#155
⇓
multiple explosive devices in his carry-on and rectum.
#156
⇓
He may have succeeded had it not been for veteran TSA agent Patricia Finch,
#157
⇓
who is being recognized for her valor and bravery.
#158
⇓
First of all, I just wanna give a shout-out to Jesus.
#159
⇓
I do everything for Jesus.
#160
⇓
I don't mess with saints
#161
⇓
and none of that bull****.
#162
⇓
Growing up as a little white girl in Atlanta,
#163
⇓
I was always good at knowing,
#164
⇓
like, who is kind of a piece of ****.
#165
⇓
If your eyebrows is too thick, gone.
#166
⇓
If your eyes ain't open, see you later.
#167
⇓
If you smell funky,
#168
⇓
get your *** to the Greyhound bus station.
#169
⇓
You ain't meant for the airport, mother******.
#170
⇓
Take my picture, y'all.
#171
⇓
Hey.
#172
⇓
Over your shoulder!
#173
⇓
- Am I getting any money for this? - No.
#174
⇓
All right, I'm done with this ****.
#175
⇓
All right. Bye, y'all.
#176
⇓
- Hey. - Hey.
#177
⇓
That's my guy.
#178
⇓
I'm not late, am I?
#179
⇓
Not at all.
#180
⇓
Let me get a look at you. Oh yeah. You look great, man.
#181
⇓
Your body's so fit right now.
#182
⇓
Loving this jacket.
#183
⇓
You look slim, confident, ready for action.
#184
⇓
- Thanks, man. - Yeah.
#185
⇓
So this is really happening, huh?
#186
⇓
Oh yeah.
#187
⇓
Good, good. 'Cause I gotta tell you,
#188
⇓
I'm over Bad Thoughts.
#189
⇓
Mm.
#190
⇓
I appreciate the opportunity. You know that.
#191
⇓
I'm just done with this wacky prosthetic wig stuff.
#192
⇓
Ugh, yeah.
#193
⇓
I-- I want people to know I take acting seriously, you know?
#194
⇓
I want to do, like...
#195
⇓
Trucks.
#196
⇓
- What? - Big ones.
#197
⇓
Eighteen-wheelers.
#198
⇓
Why are you always talking about trucks?
#199
⇓
Oh, I don't know why I said that. Keep going.
#200
⇓
Okay. I want to make feature films, is my point.
#201
⇓
Right... well, that's why we're here, buddy.
#202
⇓
You are about to get a major offer from the guy that they call
#203
⇓
the Asian Chris Nolan.
#204
⇓
Which means this thing is going to be extremely heady and thought-provoking.
#205
⇓
You should be jizzing in your drawers right now.
#206
⇓
I want to see you blow your load.
#207
⇓
Okay.
#208
⇓
I want you walking in there with a wet front,
#209
⇓
stinking to high heaven like some 13-year-old freak.
#210
⇓
Tom?
#211
⇓
They're ready.
#212
⇓
Mm.
#213
⇓
That's smartwater.
#214
⇓
These guys know what they're doing.
#215
⇓
Hey.
#216
⇓
You look really cool.
#217
⇓
Thanks, man.
#218
⇓
Tom fucking Segura!
#219
⇓
Oh my God! Lookin' slim, my guy.
#220
⇓
I would fuck you right here if I wasn't a lesbian.
#221
⇓
Don't let the nails fool you. I'm a lesbian.
#222
⇓
Nice. I love lesbians.
#223
⇓
I watch a lot of lesbian stuff.
#224
⇓
Uh, Tom, I want you to meet someone
#225
⇓
who is very special to us here at Chikara Kikku.
#226
⇓
This is Mr. Yoshi Mashimoto,
#227
⇓
one of the few geniuses left in the world.
#228
⇓
I'm sure you're familiar with his work.
#229
⇓
Uh...
#230
⇓
Mr. Mashimoto is the author
#231
⇓
of the highest-selling graphic novel of all time.
#232
⇓
- Amazing. - Yeah.
#233
⇓
Hello.
#234
⇓
Mr. Mashimoto is honored that you are here.
#235
⇓
Thank you.
#236
⇓
He also says that you are very funny and bald.
#237
⇓
- Yes. - And he loves your blue eyes.
#238
⇓
I've always said that they pop on camera.
#239
⇓
Thank you. That's very nice.
#240
⇓
Great.
#241
⇓
All right. Let's take a seat.
#242
⇓
Okay.
#243
⇓
So, Tom, I bet you're wondering why the hell you're here.
#244
⇓
Yeah. We were just saying this is all very under wraps.
#245
⇓
Under wraps and exciting as fuck.
#246
⇓
Okay, well, we feel exactly the same way.
#247
⇓
So, Mr. Mashimoto's masterpiece
#248
⇓
is entitled Konyo Yaro.
#249
⇓
- Konyo Yaro. - That's right. Konyo Yaro.
#250
⇓
Rolls right off the tongue.
#251
⇓
And we are now finally, after many years,
#252
⇓
going to turn his brilliant graphic novel
#253
⇓
into a high-budget, live-action feature film.
#254
⇓
That's awesome. I love feature films.
#255
⇓
I can vouch for that. Tom does indeed love feature films.
#256
⇓
Okay. Relax.
#257
⇓
So, Tom, the reason why you're here
#258
⇓
is that Mr. Mashimoto has requested
#259
⇓
you play the main character.
#260
⇓
- Really? - I know. Our reaction here was the same.
#261
⇓
Like, there are so many other people who could do it
#262
⇓
who are movie stars, you know?
#263
⇓
But no, he made it very clear
#264
⇓
he only wants you.
#265
⇓
I think I'm gonna come.
#266
⇓
This is your guy. Where do we sign?
#267
⇓
I mean, uh, we are very open to this.
#268
⇓
Yes, um, it's very flattering. Thank you for that.
#269
⇓
Um, and it sounds great, but can I get a little bit more detail about it?
#270
⇓
Of course. Yeah, of course.
#271
⇓
Let's go through the whole thing. Okay.
#272
⇓
Behold.
#273
⇓
New Tokyoville.
#274
⇓
Humanity's last safe zone in a post-chemical wasteland.
#275
⇓
Yet danger coils around every border
#276
⇓
as rogue cyborgs are closing in on every side.
#277
⇓
But from the shadows emerges...
#278
⇓
Bushido!
#279
⇓
Yes, a rogue warrior forged in exile
#280
⇓
and driven by fate,
#281
⇓
destined to rid the world of evil
#282
⇓
and deliver humanity from the edge of oblivion.
#283
⇓
That's you.
#284
⇓
Huh.
#285
⇓
Wow.
#286
⇓
Squirt. I just came.
#287
⇓
I warned you guys.
#288
⇓
So he's just a total badass?
#289
⇓
Not sure this is even gonna require much acting.
#290
⇓
Hey, hey. Jesus. You gotta tone it down a notch.
#291
⇓
Well, actually, I mean, the character is a bit of a recluse.
#292
⇓
Yes, he lives in the sewer system.
#293
⇓
In the sewer system?
#294
⇓
Yes. He gets his power from the waste of the city,
#295
⇓
but then channels it for good.
#296
⇓
- Yeah. - I told you. Heady stuff.
#297
⇓
Interesting. And what is the name of the movie again?
#298
⇓
- Konyo... - Konyo Yaro.
#299
⇓
Konyo Yaro.
#300
⇓
Yes, but of course, we will use the English translation.
#301
⇓
Right.
#302
⇓
Hogtit Shitbeast.
#303
⇓
Hogtit Shitbeast.
#304
⇓
Wow. Powerful.
#305
⇓
Hogtit Shitbeast?
#306
⇓
Yeah, well, because he's got the hog tits,
#307
⇓
but also he is a shit beast,
#308
⇓
so it's a little bit of a play on words there.
#309
⇓
- Hm. - Badass. I get it.
#310
⇓
It's foreign. It's edgy.
#311
⇓
I'm, like, super into this.
#312
⇓
This?
#313
⇓
So actually he is gonna need you to pack on about 150--
#314
⇓
I mean, at this point, over 200 pounds.
#315
⇓
You must become fatter.
#316
⇓
It has to be real. No computers.
#317
⇓
You see, you first caught Mr. Mashimoto's attention
#318
⇓
with your 2014 ha-ha comedy show, Completely Normal.
#319
⇓
Ha-ha comedy show.
#320
⇓
Very funny.
#321
⇓
Thank you for watching that.
#322
⇓
He took one look at your face and said, "That is my Hogtit Shitbeast."
#323
⇓
It's as if you jumped right out of his mind.
#324
⇓
In fact, he's been heartbroken about your recent weight loss.
#325
⇓
The same way he felt when fat Adele got skinny.
#326
⇓
Yeah, uh, it's hard to keep it off, but...
#327
⇓
You've done it before.
#328
⇓
Just stuff your fat face, you little piggy.
#329
⇓
His words, not mine.
#330
⇓
And what's coming out of his breasts?
#331
⇓
Those are teats. And it's blood.
#332
⇓
He replenishes what he loses by killing,
#333
⇓
which is why he lives underneath the abortion clinic.
#334
⇓
He eats the fetuses one at a time, yeah,
#335
⇓
and when he runs out, that's when fecal matter sprays out.
#336
⇓
Of his tits.
#337
⇓
- Teats. - Right.
#338
⇓
His teats, correct.
#339
⇓
Of course. Makes complete sense.
#340
⇓
I've got the contract ready for you right here.
#341
⇓
All the details are outlined.
#342
⇓
Um, this is just...
#343
⇓
I don't know. I don't really feel like I'm getting it, you know?
#344
⇓
Well, maybe this will help.
#345
⇓
- Is that a... - Yeah, it's a lunch box.
#346
⇓
Now, this is just a prototype,
#347
⇓
but imagine milk coming out of one of them,
#348
⇓
fruit punch out of another.
#349
⇓
Oat milk, if your kid's lactose intolerant.
#350
⇓
I'm a bit of a tits guy. Can I squeeze them?
#351
⇓
Honey, go for it.
#352
⇓
Wow. These feel like real tits.
#353
⇓
- Teats. - Teats.
#354
⇓
The hair is a nice touch.
#355
⇓
Yeah, I guess I'm struggling with it.
#356
⇓
Um, it's a lot of new information. You think you could give us a second to...
#357
⇓
Okay, you just take one quick second.
#358
⇓
Okay.
#359
⇓
What the fuck, man?
#360
⇓
This is all part of the game.
#361
⇓
Look, I know how hard you work to keep off all that weight,
#362
⇓
and it's super impressive, but like it or not,
#363
⇓
your brand is being a disgusting slob.
#364
⇓
That's how people see you.
#365
⇓
This project is your Black Panther.
#366
⇓
Fat Panther.
#367
⇓
Guys, um,
#368
⇓
as much as I appreciate
#369
⇓
most of what you said,
#370
⇓
I just can't see myself playing this part.
#371
⇓
And I really hope you can find somebody that suits what you need, sir,
#372
⇓
but it's not gonna be me.
#373
⇓
No?
#374
⇓
Because I can think of about 800,000 reasons
#375
⇓
why you should.
#376
⇓
Well, it's not about the money for me.
#377
⇓
Unfortunately, this doesn't align with who I am,
#378
⇓
and I'm gonna have to respectfully say thank you, but I can't do this.
#379
⇓
Fourteen million.
#380
⇓
We had a little bit of wiggle room.
#381
⇓
Holy shit.
#382
⇓
Fuck.
#383
⇓
Come on! More!
#384
⇓
Just make sound! Oink, oink!
#385
⇓
You're my comedy pig!
#386
⇓
Comedy pig!
#387
⇓
Fuck.
#388
⇓
Fuck.
#389
⇓
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