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Home » Last Week Tonight with John Oliver » S13E23 — September 20, 2026: UnitedHealth Group

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Season 13, Episode 23 — September 20, 2026: UnitedHealth Group

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John: WELCOME, WELCOME,
johnwelcome
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WELCOME TO LAST WEEK TONIGHT!
tonightweekwelcome
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I’M JOHN OLIVER.
johnoliver
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THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US.
joiningthanks
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WE’RE BACK!
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AND WE'VE MISSED A LOT SINCE
missed
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WE'VE BEEN AWAY.
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THE IRAN WAR CONTINUED TO
continuediran
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ESCALATE, WITH NO END IN SIGHT,
sight
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WE LEARNED DON JUNIOR'S WEDDING
learnedwedding
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WEEKEND WAS BANKROLLED BY A
weekend
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RUSSIAN OLIGARCH-- BUT DON'T
russian
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WORRY, HIS DAD SAYS HE PAID IT
paidworry
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ALL BACK, SO NOTHING TO SEE
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THERE-- AND TED CRUZ WENT ON
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ESPN'S COLLEGE GAME DAY, WHERE
collegegame
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THE CROWD GAVE HIM THE EXACT
crowdexact
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THEY'RE PRODUCING ENORMOUS
enormousproducing
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VALUE AND ENORMOUS SKILL, BUT IT
enormousskillvalue
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ALSO PUTS REASONABLE RULES IN
reasonablerules
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PLACE, SO FOR EXAMPLE, EVERY
exampleplace
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PLAYER GETS ONE FREE TRADE.
freeplayertrade
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JOHN: I DO NOT LIKE THAT MAN
john
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TED CRUZ.
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I DO NOT LIKE HIM ON THE NEWS.
news
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I DO NOT LIKE HIM TALKING
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SPORTS.
sports
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I DO NOT LIKE HIM WEARING
wearing
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SHORTS.
shorts
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I DO NOT LIKE HIM ON TV, I DO
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NOT LIKE HIM TRYING TO FLEE.
flee
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I DO NOT LIKE HIM IN A TUX, BUT
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I LOVE HIM BEING TOLD HE SUCKS.
lovesucks
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ALSO THIS WEEK, KASH PATEL
week
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APPEARED BEFORE THE SENATE
appearedsenate
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JUDICIARY COMMITTEE AND ANSWERED
answeredcommittee
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QUESTIONS ABOUT CHANGES TO FBI
changesquestions
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HIRING RULES, MAKING CERTAIN
certainhiringrules
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TYPES OF CONDUCT THAT HAD
conducttypes
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PREVIOUSLY BE DISQUALIFYING,
previously
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SUDDENLY POTENTIALLY OKAY
potentiallysuddenly
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AND ONE OF THOSE TYPES OF
types
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CONDUCT WAS PRETTY STRIKING.
conductstriking
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WHY WOULD YOU EVEN GET INTO
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We are not into bestiality?
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BESTIALITY?
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WE ARE NOT INTO BESTIALITY.
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JOHN: LOOK, IF YOU EVER FIND
john
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YOURSELF DEFENSIVELY SAYING "WE
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ARE NOT 'INTO' BESTIALITY",
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YOU'VE ALREADY LOST THE
lost
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ARGUMENT.
argument
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AND INCREDIBLY, THAT EXCHANGE
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THESE CHANGES DIDN'T START
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WITH YOU, DID THEY?
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NO.
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SOMEONE CAME TO YOU AND
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RECOMMENDED THEM?
recommended
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YEAH.
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AND WHEN YOU SAW BESTIALITY-- I
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SAY THIS WITH RESPECT-- THE
respect
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PERSON WHO RECOMMENDED IT, WHY
personrecommended
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DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY, "WHAT
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PLANET DID YOU PARACHUTE IN
parachuteplanet
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FROM?
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WHY DO I WANT TO LEAD WITH MY
lead
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CHIN AND GET INTO BESTIALITY?"
chin
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John: THAT'S AMAZING.
amazingjohn
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I JUST WISH KENNEDY HAD KEPT
kennedywish
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GOING ON.
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"MR. PATEL, EXPLAINED WHAT
explained
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CONSTITUTES BESTIALITY.
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HAND JOB?
hand
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MOUTH STUFF?
mouthstuff
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ALSO, EXACTLY WHEN DOES GENTLE
gentle
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PETTING CROSSED THE LINE?
crossedlinepetting
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AND PLEASE, SPEAK INTO THE
speak
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MICROPHONE SO HISTORY CAN
historymicrophone
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REMEMBER YOUR ANSWER."
answerremember
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AND LOOK, I'D ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO
absolutelylove
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SPEND THE REST OF THE SHOW
restspend
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TALKING ABOUT THAT EXCHANGE.
exchange
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I HAVE A PARTICULAR SET OF
particular
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SKILLS, AND DISCUSSING THAT CLIP
clipdiscussingskills
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FOR FORTY MINUTES WOULD FINALLY
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UTILIZE ALL OF THEM.
utilize
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YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO SHOW
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YOU A CLIP OF THE ASS-SHAKING
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DONKEYS FROM ENCANTO LIVE AT THE
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HOLLYWOOD BOWL?
bowlhollywood
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OF COURSE I DO!
course
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YOU THINK I DON'T WANT TO SHOW
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YOU THAT OTHER CLIP OF KENNEDY
clipkennedy
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TALKING ABOUT SEX THAT WE'RE ALL
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THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?
thinking
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I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE YOUR
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COCK--
cock
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JOHN: STOP!
john
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STOP!
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WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR IT!
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AND I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER, BUT
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WE DON'T HAVE TIME!
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UNFORTUNATELY, WE HAVE SOMETHING
unfortunately
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DIFFERENT PLANNED THIS WEEK.
plannedweek
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BECAUSE WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO
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DIVE STRAIGHT IN WITH OUR MAIN,
divemainstraight
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AND ONLY STORY TONIGHT, WHICH
storytonight
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CONCERNS HEALTH INSURANCE.
concernshealthhealth-insuranceinsurance
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THE THING SUPPOSED TO COVER
coversupposed
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ANYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS TO
happens
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YOUR BODY, EXCEPT EYES AND
bodyexcepteyes
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TEETH, AS THOSE COST EXTRA.
costextrateeth
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THEY'RE THE GUACAMOLE OF THE
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FACE.
face
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SPECIFICALLY, WE'RE GOING TO
specifically
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TALK ABOUT UNITED HEALTHCARE,
united
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THE COUNTRY'S LARGEST INSURANCE
countrysinsurancelargest
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COMPANY.
company
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AS YOU UNDOUBTEDLY KNOW, ALMOST
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TWO YEARS AGO, ITS THEN-CEO,
years
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BRIAN THOMPSON, WAS SHOT IN
brianshotthompson
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MIDTOWN MANHATTAN WHILE GOING TO
manhattanmidtown
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AN INVESTOR CONFERENCE.
conferenceinvestor
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AND THAT KILLING WAS,
killing
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NOTICEABLY, NOT EXACTLY MET WITH
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UNIVERSAL SYMPATHY.
sympathy
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IN FACT, IN SOME QUARTERS, THERE
factquarters
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WAS EVEN SUPPORT FOR LUIGI
luigisupport
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MANGIONE, THE SUSPECT WHO'S
suspect
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SINCE ADMITTED TO THE SHOOTING.
admittedshooting
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THIS IVY LEAGUE HOTTIE NAMED
hottieleaguenamed
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LUIGI IS THE ROBIN HOOD THAT WE
hoodluigirobin
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NEVER KNEW THAT WE NEEDED.
needed
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THIS IS LIKE A REGULAR,
regular
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EVERYDAY PERSON BECOMING OUR
becomingeverydayperson
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HERO, OUR VIGILANTE.
hero
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UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE NOW OR
carehealth
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373eed7f-52f3-4d2d-a1f4-719c573b53c6.gif
FREE LUIGI.
freeluigi
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JOHN: YEAH, LUIGI HAD A LOT
johnluigi
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OF FANS, MANY OF WHOM-- LIKE
fans
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733ff3fe-1819-41a0-be60-76bbd6aa8459.gif
THAT GUY-- SUPPORTED HIM BY
supported
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d1f304e1-5f2a-4a05-8e32-390628591393.gif
WEARING GREEN HATS.
greenhatswearing
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WHICH MUST BE SO WEIRD FOR
mustweird
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NINTENDO.
nintendo
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THIS GUY'S BEEN MARIO'S SIDEKICK
sidekick
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FOR DECADES WITHOUT CONTROVERSY,
decades
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IT'D BE LIKE FINDING OUT EVERY
finding
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MARIO KART GAME HAD OJ SIMPSON
gamemariosimpson
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d348a622-78e6-4582-8aba-428eaa752ef4.gif
AS A PLAYABLE CHARACTER.
character
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b57f65f9-f3b9-4e4a-a881-d9bf3ae89e51.gif
BUT THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
beginning
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838ab889-12e3-493a-b1b9-328a1426ec65.gif
A SIGN DEPICTING LUIGI AS A
luigisign
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525ead6d-a86a-4460-bd39-c19dd28ea25f.gif
SAINT WAS PROJECTED ON A NEW
saint
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017bc938-f41f-46b5-b258-cb519758b34e.gif
YORK BUILDING LIKE HIS ALBUM WAS
albumbuildingyork
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ABOUT TO DROP.
drop
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AND SUPPORTERS SHOWED UP AT HIS
showedsupporters
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ffaed9ea-2d5b-4f3d-b5a4-cc80618596ac.gif
ARRAIGNMENT DRESSED IN SHIRTS
dressedshirts
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THAT SAID THINGS LIKE "I LOVE
love
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fa43b3ea-5ea2-4dbc-8964-2a336d4e20bd.gif
ITALIAN BOYS," AND "COUGARS FOR
boysitalian
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7ea34e8a-7690-4cf5-a619-f0d60140cb4a.gif
LUIGI."
luigi
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AND, LOOK, LET'S JUST GET THIS
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LUIGI
luigi
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IS HOT.
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THERE'S NO WAY AROUND THAT.
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IN FACT, HE'S SO HOT, THEY EVEN
fact
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HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT ON THE
acknowledge
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SO MUCH OF, YOU KNOW, THE
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CLIPS WE WERE WATCHING AT THE
clipswatching
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TOP OF THIS SEGMENT ARE DRIVEN
drivensegment
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BY THE FACT THAT THIS IS-- THIS
fact
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d3d0c0f8-b9aa-440e-80cf-6ff1fbe1f931.gif
IS AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON.
attractiveperson
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69e8399e-5c88-4111-b027-d405c1ffb6bb.gif
YOU KNOW, WE'VE GOT TO DROP
drop
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THE BANNER TO SHOW WHY.
banner
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AND IT IS DEEPLY TROUBLING
deeplytroubling
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THAT WE ARE CELEBRATING THIS
celebrating
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PERSON WHO'S COMMITTED COLD
coldcommittedperson
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BLOODED MURDER--
murder
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YEAH.
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BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HE CLEARLY
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WENT TO THE GYM.
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JOHN: YEAH, SOMEONE ON THAT
john
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PANEL SAID, "DROP THE BANNER",
bannerdroppanel
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SO VIEWERS COULD UNDERSTAND THE
viewers
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FULL EXTENT OF LUIGI'S
fullluigis
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ATTRACTIVENESS.
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CHEEKY PECS PEEKING OUT IS
cheekypecspeeking
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INSUFFICIENT.
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WE ARE THE FOURTH ESTATE AND WE
estatefourth
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WILL SHOW ALL FOUR ROWS OF ABS.
four
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BUT IT'S NOT "JUST" THAT LUIGI
luigi
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WAS HANDSOME.
handsome
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ONE REASON MANY FOUND IT HARD TO
foundhardreason
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COMPLETELY CONDEMN THE MURDER IS
completelycondemnmurder
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THAT SO MANY AMERICANS ARE
americans
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FURIOUS WITH UNITED HEALTHCARE.
furiousunited
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IN FACT, SHORTLY AFTER THE
factshortly
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SHOOTING, WHEN A POLL ASKED "HOW
askedshooting
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MUCH RESPONSIBILITY DO YOU THINK
responsibility
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EACH OF THE FOLLOWING HAD FOR
following
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THE KILLING?"
killing
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78% SAID THE KILLER HELD SOME
heldkiller
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RESPONSIBILITY, WHICH, OF
responsibility
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COURSE.
course
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BUT 69% ALSO BLAMED "DENIALS FOR
blamed
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HEALTH CARE COVERAGE BY HEALTH
carecoveragehealth
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INSURANCE COMPANIES".
companiesinsurance
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IN FACT, ONE OF UNITED'S
fact
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EXECUTIVES EVEN COINCIDENTALLY
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ALLUDED TO PUBLIC ANGER AT THE
angerpublic
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INVESTOR MEETING TAKING PLACE
investormeetingplace
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"ON THE DAY OF THE MURDER", AND
murder
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IN NO WAY YOU WOULD DESIGN
design
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SOMETHING AS COMPLICATED AND AS
complicated
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CONTRADICTORY AND AS DIFFICULT
difficult
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TO NAVIGATE AS THE SYSTEM WE ALL
system
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FIND OURSELVES IN TODAY, BECAUSE
today
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NOBODY DESIGNED IT.
designednobody
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IT SIMPLY EVOLVED.
evolvedsimply
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JOHN: OH, I GET IT, IT'S NOT
john
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UNITED'S FAULT THE SYSTEM'S LIKE
faultsystems
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THIS.
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NOBODY DESIGNED IT.
designednobody
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IT JUST EVOLVED NATURALLY.
evolvednaturally
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IT PRESUMABLY ALL STARTED WHEN
started
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THIS NASTY BITCH CRAWLED OUT OF
bitchcrawlednasty
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THE OCEAN AND THEREFORE,
oceantherefore
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REGRETTABLY, OUT OF NETWORK.
network
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AND NOT LONG AFTER THAT, THAT
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SAME GUY GAVE AN ADDRESS TO HIS
address
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COMPANY'S EMPLOYEES, AND OFFERED
companysemployeesoffered
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A PRETTY DIRECT PIECE OF ADVICE.
advicedirectpiece
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I'D ENCOURAGE YOU TO TUNE OUT
encouragetune
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THAT CRITICAL NOISE THAT WE'RE
criticalnoise
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HEARING RIGHT NOW.
hearing
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JOHN: WOW.
john
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IF SOMEONE SHOOTING YOUR
shooting
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INSURANCE DIVISION'S CEO WON'T
insurance
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MAKE YOU LISTEN TO 'CRITICAL
critical
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NOISE,' I'M NOT SURE ANYTHING
noise
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WILL.
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BECAUSE IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE