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Home » Spaceballs » S01E01 — Spaceballs

Spaceballs

Season 1, Episode 1 — Spaceballs

↓

Colonel sandurz?

colonel

↓

What is it, sergeant ricco?

sergeant

↓

You told me to let you know the moment planet druidia was in sight, sir.

moment planet sight

↓

- So? - Planet druidia is in sight, sir.

planet sight

↓

You're really a spaceball.

↓

- You know that, don't you? - Thanks, sir.

thanks

↓

Have you notified lord helmet?

helmet lord notified

↓

Yes, sir. I took the Liberty. He's on his way.

liberty

↓

Make way for dark helmet!

dark helmet

↓

All rise in the presence of dark helmet.

dark helmet presence rise

↓

I can't breathe in this thing.

breathe

↓

- We're approaching planet druidia, sir. - Good.

approaching planet

↓

I'll call spaceball city and notify president skroob immediately.

city immediately notify president

↓

I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

called knows

↓

What? You went over my helmet?

helmet

↓

Well, not exactly over, sir. More to the side.

side

↓

I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never ever!

happen itll

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

No! Please!

↓

Please, no, not that!

↓

Yes, that.

↓

- Sandurz! - Sir.

↓

I don't see planet druidia. Where is it?

planet

↓

We don't have visual contact yet, but we have it on the radar screen.

contact radar screen visual

↓

- Shall I punch it up for you? - Never mind. I'll do it myself.

mind punch

↓

Very good, sir.

↓

What's the matter? What's that churning and bubbling?

bubbling matter

↓

You call that a radar screen?

radar screen

↓

No, sir, we call it Mr. coffee.

coffee

↓

Care for some?

care

↓

- Of course I do. - Everybody knows that!

course everybody everybody-knows knows

↓

Of course we do, sir.

course

↓

Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar.

coffee radar ready watch

↓

- Where is it? - Right here, sir.

↓

Switch to teleview.

switch

↓

There it is. Planet druidia.

planet

↓

And underneath the air shield, 10,000 years of fresh air.

fresh shield underneath years

↓

- We must get through that air shield. - We will, sir.

must shield

↓

Once we kidnap the Princess, we can force her father, king Roland,

father force kidnap king princess roland

↓

to give us the combination to the air shield,

combination shield

↓

thereby destroying planet druidia and saving planet spaceball.

destroying planet saving thereby

↓

Everybody got that?

everybody

↓

- Good. When will the Princess be married? - Within the hour, sir.

hour married princess

↓

Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

ceremony honeymoon hope short

↓

Hot! Too hot.

↓

If only your mother were alive to see this day.

alive mother

↓

- Is everyone ready? - Yes, your majesty.

majesty ready

↓

No! Where's my droid of honor?

droid honor

↓

Oh, dear, yes. Where's dot? Dot?

dear

↓

Dot matrix!

↓

Oh, thank god, dear!

dear

↓

Where've you been?

whereve

↓

Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop.

↓

I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.

excited

↓

All right, people. It's magic time!

magic

↓

All right, everyone, starting on the left foot.

foot left starting

↓

- Daddy, that's the right foot. - It's too late. Keep going.

daddy foot late

↓

Daddy.

daddy

↓

Must I go through with this?

must

↓

I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.

dear

↓

But, daddy,

daddy

↓

I don't love him.

love

↓

I'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince left in the galaxy.

galaxy left prince

↓

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion

beloved dearly gathered joyous occasion

↓

to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of king Roland,

daughter king princess roland witness

↓

going right past the altar, heading down the ramp

heading past ramp

↓

and out the door!

door

↓

Stop her! Someone stop her! Stop her!

↓

Hey, wait! You forgot to get married!

forgot married

↓

Will you stop?

↓

What are you doing?

↓

No questions, dot. Get in.

questions

↓

What is she doing? Where is she going?

↓

Come back!

↓

Barf.

barf

↓

Barf?

barf

↓

Always when I'm eating.

eating

↓

- What can I do you for, boss? - Where you been?

boss

↓

Grabbing myself a snack.

grabbing snack

↓

- You want some? - No!

↓

- A little hair of the dog? - No! Listen, answer that thing for me.

answer hair

↓

- Will you watch that? - Sorry.

watch

↓

I'll just throw on our audio here. That way they won't see you.

audio throw

↓

- Yello! - Hello, lone starr.

lone yello

↓

Sorry, wrong switch.

switch

↓

Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?

↓

No, it's not what I want.

↓

It's what he wants.

wants

↓

Pizza the hutt.

pizza

↓

Well, if it isn't lone starr

lone

↓

and his sidekick, puke.

puke sidekick

↓

- That's barf. - Barf, puke, whatever.

barf puke

↓

Where's my money?

money

↓

Don't worry, pizza. You'll have it by next week.

pizza week worry

↓

No. I gotta have it by tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

100,000 space bucks? By tomorrow?

bucks space tomorrow

↓

100,000? No way!

↓

You forgot late charges

charges forgot late

↓

which brings it up to 1 million space bucks!

brings bucks million space

↓

A million? That's unfair!

million unfair

↓

Unfair to the payer,

unfair

↓

but not to the payee.

↓

But you're gonna pay it or else...

↓

Or else what?

↓

Tell him, Vinnie.

↓

Or else pizza is gonna send out for you.

pizza send

↓

You're delicious. Boys.

boys delicious

↓

Can we talk?

↓

Okay. We all know prince valium is a pill,

pill prince valium

↓

but you could've married him for your father's sake

couldve fathers married sake

↓

and then had a headache for the next 25 years.

headache years

↓

Will you turn that thing off?

↓

What?

↓

What is it?

↓

I was saying, do you realize what you've done?

realize

↓

Yes! And I'm glad.

glad

↓

Glad.

glad

↓

I wonder if she's glad.

glad wonder

↓

Don't be ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

As president of planet spaceball, I can assure both you and your viewers

assure planet president viewers

↓

that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever.

absolutely whatsoever

↓

Yes, of course. I've heard the same rumor myself.

course heard rumor

↓

Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges.

calling charges thanks

↓

Yes, bye.

↓

Shithead.

shithead

↓

- President skroob. - Yes?

president

↓

This is central control.

central control

↓

Spaceball commanderette zircon speaking, sir.

speaking

↓

Yes, what is it, commanderette?

↓

Lord helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight

helmet lord notified princess sight

↓

and spaceball one is closing in on her.

closing

↓

Good.

↓

We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.

coming observe ships wish

↓

I'll be down immediately.

immediately

↓

Should I have snotty beam you down, sir?

beam

↓

I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

safe stuff

↓

Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night.

night twice

↓

It was wonderful.

↓

All right. I'll take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on Star Trek.

shot star star-trek trek works

↓

Shotty,

↓

- beam him down. - Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

beam immediately

↓

Great beasties! What's happened to his head?

happened head

↓

It's on backwards!

backwards

↓

This is terrible! Do something!

↓

I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro-converter malfunction.

malfunction micro must

↓

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

somebody

↓

Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.

beam reverse

↓

It could be the interlocking system.

system

↓

Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. Loch lomond!

loch lock three

↓

Are you all right, Mr. president?

president

↓

Fine. No thanks to you!

thanks

↓

We'll beam you back, sir.

beam

↓

Forget it. No more beaming.

forget

↓

This time I'm gonna walk.

walk

↓

President skroob! Salute!

president salute

↓

Hail, skroob!

hail

↓

Hello, president skroob.

president

↓

- Hello, charlene. - I'm Marlene.

↓

- Hello, Marlene. - I'm charlene.

↓

Chew your gum.

chew

↓

Where's the Princess?

princess

↓

Right there, sir, on the left side of the screen

left screen side

↓

approaching spaceball one at 1,500 light leagues per minute.

approaching leagues light minute

↓

Good. She's almost in our grasp.

grasp

↓

Tell dark helmet he must take the Princess alive.

alive dark helmet must princess

↓

Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

princess range

↓

Good.

↓

Fire a warning shot across her nose.

fire nose shot warning

↓

What's going on?

↓

It's either the fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us!

fourth july kill someones

↓

I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich.

rich

↓

- What are you doing? - I'm calling my father.

calling father

↓

1-800-druidia.

↓

Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!

careful idiot nose

↓

Sorry, sir. I'm doing my best.

best

↓

He's my cousin.

cousin

↓

- Who is he? - He's an asshole, sir.

asshole

↓

- I know that. What's his name? - That is his name, sir.

name

↓

Asshole. Major asshole.

asshole major

↓

- And his cousin? - He's an asshole, too, sir.

asshole cousin

↓

Gunner's mate, first class, Phillip asshole.

asshole class mate phillip

↓

How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?

anyhow assholes ship

↓

Yol

↓

I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes.

assholes surrounded

↓

Keep firing, assholes!

assholes firing

↓

Hurry, daddy. Hurry!

daddy hurry

↓

There are laser blasts all around us! I'm scared.

laser scared

↓

King Roland to lone starr.

king lone roland

↓

Are you there?

↓

Lone starr, you've got to help me. Please save my daughter.

daughter lone save

↓

She's being attacked by spaceballs!

attacked

↓

Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.

dangerous forget

↓

Besides, I'm already numero uno on dark helmet's hit list.

besides dark helmets list

↓

Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.

afraid highness

↓

It's just that we got this thing about death. It's not us.

death

↓

Please, you must!

must

↓

You're the only ones that can save her! I'll give you anything!

ones save

↓

Did you hear me? Anything.

↓

- Anything? - Yes, anything.

↓

- Okay. We'll do it for a million. - A million?

million

↓

You're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.

fade highness losing picture starting

↓

All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.

save

↓

All right, king. You just made a deal.

deal king

↓

One Princess for 1 million space bucks.

bucks million princess space

↓

What's she driving?

driving

↓

A brand-new white Mercedes

brand white

↓

2001 sel limited edition.

limited

↓

Moon roof, all-leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash.

cash interior leather moon paid price roof

↓

My cousin, prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley.

cousin murray prince valley

↓

- He was very nice to me. - We get the idea.

idea

↓

- Where was she last seen? - She was just passing Jupiter two.

passing seen

↓

We'll find her.

↓

Please bring her back safely.

bring safely

↓

And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.

possible save

↓

1 million space bucks! We'll be able to pay off pizza the hutt!

able bucks million pizza space

↓

Give me paw!

↓

What's that glow?

glow

↓

- We're not moving. - We're moving, all right.

moving

↓

Backwards.

backwards

↓

Look, there's our Princess. She's got company.

company princess

↓

Oh, no. Spaceballs!

↓

And they've already got her in their magnetic beam.

beam magnetic

↓

We're too late. What a shame.

late shame

↓

I'll throw her in reverse. We'll get out of here.

reverse throw

↓

No! Bad.

↓

What are we doing risking our lives for a runaway Princess?

lives princess runaway

↓

- I know we need the money, but... - Listen,

money

↓

we're not just doing this for money.

money

↓

We're doing it for a shitload of money.

money shitload

↓

You're right.

↓

And when you're right, you're right. And you, you're always right.

↓

Okay, we save her. But how?

save

↓

The minute we move in there, they're gonna spot us on their radar.

minute radar spot

↓

Not if we jam it.

↓

You're right.

↓

- Down scope. - Down scope.

↓

Radar about to be jammed.

jammed radar

↓

Shit.

↓

- Sir. - What is it?

↓

Can I talk to you for a minute, please, sir?

minute

↓

- Well? - I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

having having-trouble radar trouble

↓

You don't need that, private. We're right here. What is it?

private

↓

I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

having having-trouble radar trouble

↓

Now what is it?

↓

- I'm having trouble with the radar. - What's wrong?

having having-trouble radar trouble

↓

I've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.

creeps lost

↓

- The what? And the what? - You know. The bleeps.

↓

The sweeps.

↓

And the creeps.

creeps

↓

That's not all he's lost.

lost

↓

Sir. The radar, sir.

radar

↓

It appears to be

appears

↓

jammed.

jammed

↓

Jammed.

jammed

↓

Raspberry.

raspberry

↓

Well, there's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry.

dare raspberry

↓

Lone starr!

lone

↓

What was that?

↓

Never mind that. What was that?

mind

↓

Hi.

↓

- Who are you? - Barf.

barf

↓

Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

mister

↓

- No, that's my name. Barf. - Barf?

barf name

↓

What are you?

↓

I'm a mawg: Half man, half dog.

half

↓

I'm my own best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

What do you want?

↓

Your father hired captain lone starr and me to save you.

captain father hired lone save

↓

We got to hop up this ladder and get out.

ladder

↓

Good. Quick. Hurry, darling. Follow the dog.

darling follow hurry quick

↓

Mawg. I'm a mawg.

↓

Wait. What about my matched luggage?

luggage

↓

- Stop looking up my can. - Sorry.

looking

↓

Checking in? What the hell is all that?

checking

↓

It's her royal highness's matched luggage!

luggage royal

↓

What?

↓

Her royal highness's matched luggage.

luggage royal

↓

Matched luggage, huh?

luggage

↓

What's she think this is, a Princess cruise?

cruise princess

↓

- Well, she wouldn't go without it. - Oh, yeah?

↓

Now hear this. The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is

minute

↓

dump the matched luggage.

dump luggage

↓

Now you hear this, whoever you are.

↓

You will not touch that luggage.

luggage touch

↓

And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up.

cleaned pigsty

↓

I will not be rescued in such filth.

filth rescued

↓

Listen. On this ship, I don't take orders, I give them.

orders ship

↓

This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.

sweetheart

↓

Sweetheart?

sweetheart

↓

How dare you speak to me that way?

dare speak

↓

You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness.

address highness manner proper royal

↓

I am Princess Vespa,

princess

↓

daughter of Roland, king of the druids.

daughter king roland

↓

That's all we needed.

needed

↓

A druish Princess.

princess

↓

Funny. She doesn't look druish.

funny

↓

Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy.

charge galaxy

↓

Hold it. I'll handle this personally.

handle personally

↓

Jawohl, lord helmet!

helmet lord

↓

So, Princess Vespa,

princess

↓

you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet spaceball.

forces planet

↓

Well, you were wrong.

↓

You are now our prisoner.

prisoner

↓

And you will be held hostage until such time

held hostage

↓

as all of the air is transferred from your planet

planet transferred

↓

to ours.

↓

She's not in there.

↓

Radar repaired, sir.

radar

↓

We're picking up the outline of a winnebago.

picking

↓

Winnebago?

↓

Lone starr.

lone

↓

Here comes the badyear blimp.

comes

↓

- We'd better get out of here in a hurry. - Switch to secret hyper-jets.

hurry hyper jets secret switch

↓

Switching to secret hyper-jets.

hyper jets secret switching

↓

Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.

buckle

↓

We're closing in on them, sir.

closing

↓

In less than a minute, lone starr will be ours.

less lone minute

↓

Good. Prepare to attack.

attack prepare

↓

Prepare to attack.

attack prepare

↓

On the count of three.

count three

↓

One,

↓

two,

↓

late!

late

↓

- What happened? Where are they? - I don't know, sir.

happened

↓

They must have hyper-jets on that thing.

hyper jets must

↓

And what have we got on this thing, a cuisinart?

↓

No, sir.

↓

- Well, find them, catch them! - Yes, sir.

catch

↓

- Prepare ship for light speed. - No, light speed is too slow.

light prepare ship slow speed

↓

Light speed too slow?

light slow speed

↓

Yes. We're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

ludicrous speed

↓

Ludicrous speed?

ludicrous speed

↓

We've never gone that fast. I don't know if this ship can take it.

fast gone ship

↓

What's the matter, colonel sandurz?

colonel matter

↓

Chicken?

chicken

↓

Prepare ship.

prepare ship

↓

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.

ludicrous prepare ship speed

↓

Fasten all seat belts.

belts seat

↓

Seal all entrances and exits.

exits seal

↓

Close all shops in the mall.

close mall shops

↓

Cancel the three-ring circus.

cancel circus ring three

↓

Secure all animals in the zoo...

animals secure

↓

Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer.

excuse officer petty

↓

Now hear this.

↓

Ludicrous speed!

ludicrous speed

↓

Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?

buckle

↓

Buckle this.

buckle

↓

Ludicrous speed! Go!

ludicrous speed

↓

What have I done?

↓

My brains are going into my feet.

brains feet

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

Spaceball one.

↓

They've gone to plaid.

gone

↓

We passed them. Stop this thing.

passed

↓

We can't stop. It's too dangerous.

dangerous

↓

We've got to slow down first.

slow

↓

Bullshit! Just stop this thing!

bullshit

↓

I order you. Stop!

order

↓

Here, sir. Here. Let me help you, sir.

↓

Are you all right, sir?

↓

- Fine. How have you been? - Fine, sir.

↓

Good.

↓

Good thing you were wearing that helmet.

helmet wearing

↓

- Yeah. - What shall we do now, sir?

↓

- Well, are we stopped? - We're stopped, sir.

stopped

↓

Good.

↓

- Why don't we take a five-minute break? - Very good, sir.

break five minute minute-break

↓

Smoke if you got them.

smoke

↓

- Take her out of hyperactive. - Taking her out of hyperactive.

↓

Congrats, boss. We did it.

boss congrats

↓

They must have overshot us by a week-and-a-half.

half must week

↓

- Okay. Let's set a course for druidia. - Setting a course for...

course setting

↓

- What's that? - I don't know. We're losing power!

losing power

↓

- Why? - 'Cause we're out of gas!

↓

Must have burned it up in hyperactive.

burned must

↓

We should have put more than five bucks' worth in!

bucks five five-bucks worth

↓

Okay. We'll have to set her down.

↓

Prepare for an emergency landing.

emergency landing prepare

↓

Quick, give me a reading!

quick reading

↓

Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name...

father heaven name

↓

Will you stop that?

↓

Keep your seat belts fastened back there.

belts seat

↓

You okay, Princess?

princess

↓

No, you idiot! Where'd you learn how to fly?

idiot learn whered

↓

Okay. Eagle 5 coming in.

coming eagle

↓

Left! Go left! Right! I mean right!

left

↓

Pull up!

pull

↓

Where're you going?

↓

I am going to tell him off once and for all.

↓

Wait. We'll need him to get us out of here.

↓

Called me an idiot?

called idiot

↓

I'm going back there and explain a few things to her.

explain

↓

Besides, he's got a sexy voice. He might be cute.

besides cute might sexy voice

↓

- You haven't seen her. - I know what she looks like.

seen

↓

You've seen one, you've seen them all.

seen

↓

Cute? I know these space bums, they're all alike.

alike bums cute space

↓

Fat, ugly...

ugly

↓

Buck-toothed, knock-kneed...

buck knock

↓

Beer-swilling pigs!

beer pigs

↓

Horse-faced space dogs!

dogs faced horse space

↓

Yeah, well, normally...

normally

↓

That's gonna leave a Mark.

mark

↓

Now listen, you...

↓

You listen.

↓

On this ship, you're to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain."

captain idiot refer ship

↓

I mean... you know what I mean.

↓

And you will not call me "you."

↓

You will never address me as "you."

address

↓

You will call me "your royal highness"!

highness royal

↓

You are a royal pain in the...

pain royal

↓

- Hold it. Time! - What?

↓

May I make a small suggestion?

suggestion

↓

Any minute now, the spaceballs will make a major u-turn,

major minute

↓

head back this way, and make us all dead.

dead head

↓

He's right. Let's go.

↓

Wait. My things.

↓

Now listen, you royal...

royal

↓

Highness.

highness

↓

Take only what you need to survive.

survive

↓

Please slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.

gears sand slow

↓

Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything.

forget hope

↓

All right, wait a minute, barf. Put it down.

barf minute

↓

What the hell's in this thing?

hells

↓

What's this?

↓

I said, take only what you need to survive.

survive

↓

My industrial-strength hair dryer.

dryer hair industrial strength

↓

And I can't live without it!

live

↓

Okay, Princess, that's it.

princess

↓

The fairy tale is over.

fairy fairy-tale tale

↓

Welcome to real life.

life real real-life welcome

↓

You want this hot air machine, you carry it.

carry machine

↓

You pick that up.

pick

↓

You pick that up.

pick

↓

How dare you, you insolent peasant?

dare insolent

↓

Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!

nobody talks

↓

Nobody!

nobody

↓

Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her?

↓

Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips.

cheeks eyes flashing flushed lips

↓

You know something, Princess?

princess

↓

You are ugly when you're angry.

angry ugly

↓

That's it.

↓

- You and your dog are... - Please.

↓

Total humans, droids, if I may?

droids humans total

↓

It's going to be very dark soon. I suggest we find a place to camp for the night.

camp dark night place suggest

↓

Come, darling.

darling

↓

See? It's lighter.

lighter

↓

Oh, yeah. This is the best.

best

↓

I could have carried two or three of these.

carried three

↓

- Have you found them yet? - No, lord helmet.

found helmet lord

↓

- They're still not on the scanner. - Well, keep looking for them.

looking scanner

↓

Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.

idea pardon

↓

Corporal, get me the video cassette of spaceballs: The movie.

cassette corporal movie video

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

"The producers, twelve chairs, blazing saddles, young Frankenstein."

blazing chairs frankenstein producers saddles twelve young

↓

Colonel sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

colonel speak

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

How can there be a cassette of spaceballs: The movie?

cassette movie

↓

- We're still in the middle of making it. - True, sir.

middle

↓

There's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.

breakthrough home marketing video

↓

- There has? - Yes. Instant cassettes.

instant

↓

They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

finished movie stores

↓

No.

↓

Here it is, sir! Spaceballs.

↓

Good work, corporal. Punch it up.

corporal punch

↓

That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.

early fast forward prepare

↓

Preparing to fast-forward.

fast forward preparing

↓

- Fast-forward! - Fast-forwarding, sir.

fast forward

↓

No, go past this. Past this part.

part past

↓

In fact, never play this again.

fact

↓

Try here. Stop.

↓

What the hell am I looking at?

looking

↓

- When does this happen in the movie? - Now.

happen movie

↓

You're looking at now, sir.

looking

↓

Everything that happens now is happening now.

happens

↓

- What happened to then? - We passed then.

happened passed

↓

- When? - Just now.

↓

- We're at now, now. - Go back to then.

↓

- When? - Now.

↓

- I can't. We missed it. - When?

missed

↓

Just now.

↓

- When will then be now? - Soon.

↓

How soon?

↓

Sir! We've identified their location!

location

↓

- Where? - It's the moon of vega.

moon

↓

Set a course and prepare for our arrival.

arrival course prepare

↓

- When? - 1900 hours, sir.

hours

↓

By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.

noon prisoners tomorrow

↓

Who?

↓

No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right.

perfectly

↓

Take it, it's freezing.

freezing

↓

If you insist.

insist

↓

Won't you be cold?

cold

↓

No, cold never bothers me.

bothers cold

↓

- I can't seem to find druidia. - It's right there.

↓

Where?

↓

It's right there. It's that bright blue one right there. See?

blue bright

↓

Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.

↓

Don't worry, I'll get you there.

worry

↓

- Which one's yours? - Who knows?

knows ones

↓

You don't know where you're from?

↓

Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.

doorstep found

↓

- Monastery? Where? - Somewhere in the Ford galaxy.

ford galaxy

↓

Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents were?

parents

↓

They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.

silence

↓

All I got was this. It was around my neck.

neck

↓

- What is it? - I don't know.

↓

I've taken it to every wise man in the universe

taken universe wise

↓

and nobody could tell me what it means.

nobody

↓

It's beautiful.

↓

You know, I...

↓

It's beautiful.

↓

So, how come you ran away from your wedding?

wedding

↓

Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.

groom love must

↓

Why were you going to marry him?

marry

↓

Because I'm a Princess, and I have to marry a prince.

marry prince princess

↓

And he doesn't do it for you, huh?

↓

No, he doesn't do it for me.

↓

I really must go back.

must

↓

I shouldn't have run away.

↓

I realize now that love is one luxury

love luxury realize

↓

a Princess cannot afford.

afford cannot princess

↓

You're probably right.

↓

I know now that I must learn to live without love.

learn live love must must-learn

↓

I guess so.

↓

Besides, love isn't that important.

besides love

↓

No, it never was.

↓

I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without

happy life perfectly rest

↓

love.

love

↓

Sure you could.

↓

- Without physical contact. - Yeah.

contact physical

↓

- Without being held. - Yeah.

held

↓

Or kissed.

kissed

↓

Abandon ship!

abandon ship

↓

Women and mawgs first!

women

↓

We'll have none of that, mister.

mister

↓

How far did he get? What did he touch?

touch

↓

Nothing happened!

happened

↓

What the hell was that noise?

noise

↓

That was my virgin alarm.

alarm virgin

↓

It's programmed to go off before you do.

programmed

↓

You get back to bed, miss.

miss

↓

And as for you, sex fiend...

↓

All right. Let's all just get some sleep.

sleep

↓

- We gotta get moving before dawn. - Why so early?

dawn early moving

↓

Because we're in the middle of the desert

desert middle

↓

and we aren't gonna get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

blazing

↓

Nice dissolve.

↓

Water.

water

↓

Oil.

↓

Room service.

room service

↓

Chief, I'm dead.

chief dead

↓

I can't go any further.

further

↓

Come on, barf, old buddy.

barf buddy

↓

- Just one more dune to go. - No!

dune

↓

You said that three dunes ago. I got no more left.

left three

↓

Oh, waiter. Check, please.

check waiter

↓

Must go on.

must

↓

Who am I kidding?

kidding

↓

Thanks, little guy.

thanks

↓

Thank you.

↓

Did I miss something?

miss

↓

When did we get to Disneyland?

disneyland

↓

I don't see them, sandurz.

↓

I've sent the troops on ahead to vector 78, sir.

ahead sent troops vector

↓

- Let's get moving. - Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.

driver moving prepare

↓

What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go.

preparing

↓

- Just go. - Yes, sir.

↓

Sir, shouldn't you sit down?

↓

What're they saying?

whatre

↓

Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.

obvious

↓

What is this place?

place

↓

It looks like the temple of doom.

temple

↓

Well, it sure ain't temple Beth Israel.

aint beth israel temple

↓

Come on. I think we'd better follow them.

follow

↓

I think we woke it up.

woke

↓

Goodbye, folks! Let me know how it turns out.

folks goodbye turns

↓

- Come back here, dot! - Come on. We gotta keep going.

↓

We need you.

↓

What's gonna happen now?

happen

↓

Don't ask. Maybe it won't.

↓

But what if it does?

↓

I don't know about you, but I'm all for leaving.

leaving

↓

I say we get out of here right now, while the going...

↓

Silence!

silence

↓

Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence

awesome enter presence sacred

↓

of the everlasting know-it-all, yogurt?

yogurt

↓

Yogurt?

yogurt

↓

You heard of me?

heard

↓

Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of yogurt?

heard yogurt

↓

Yogurt, the wise.

wise yogurt

↓

Yogurt, the all-powerful.

powerful yogurt

↓

Yogurt, the magnificent.

magnificent yogurt

↓

Please, don't make a fuss. I'm just plain yogurt.

fuss plain yogurt

↓

- But you're the one... - Yes.

↓

I am the keeper of a greater magic,

greater keeper magic

↓

a power known throughout the universe as the...

known power throughout universe

↓

- The force? - No. The Schwartz.

force schwartz

↓

The Schwartz!

schwartz

↓

Yes, the Schwartz.

schwartz

↓

But, yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?

place yogurt

↓

Merchandising.

merchandising

↓

- Merchandising? What's that? - Merchandising.

merchandising

↓

Come, I'll show you. Open up the store.

open store

↓

Come! Walk this way. Take a look.

walk

↓

We put the picture's name on everything!

name pictures

↓

Merchandising,

merchandising

↓

where the real money from the movie is made.

money movie real

↓

Spaceballs, the t-shirt.

shirt

↓

Spaceballs, the coloring book.

book coloring

↓

Spaceballs, the lunch box.

lunch

↓

Spaceballs, the breakfast cereal.

breakfast cereal

↓

Spaceballs, the flamethrower.

↓

The kids love this one.

kids love

↓

Last, but not least,

least

↓

spaceballs, the doll. Me.

doll

↓

May the Schwartz be with you.

schwartz

↓

Adorable.

adorable

↓

- President skroob. - What is it?

president

↓

I have an urgent message from lord helmet. He's lost the Princess.

helmet lord lost message princess urgent

↓

- Where? - Somewhere in the sands of vega.

↓

Tell them to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert!

comb desert

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

- Sir? - What?

↓

Are we being too literal?

literal

↓

No, you fool. We're following orders.

following fool orders

↓

We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.

comb desert

↓

Found anything yet?

found

↓

Nothing yet, sir.

↓

How about you?

↓

Not a thing, sir.

↓

What about you guys?

↓

We ain't found shit!

aint found

↓

It's a big mystery. None of the wise men could tell me what it means.

mystery wise

↓

Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know?

wise

↓

Here, let me take a look.

↓

You can read it!

read

↓

No, I was just clearing my throat.

clearing throat

↓

Here, let me take a...

↓

- Oh, yes. Yes, of course! - You understand it?

course

↓

- Yes. - What's it say?

↓

I cannot tell you that now. It shall be revealed to you at the proper time.

cannot proper revealed

↓

Great.

↓

Come on, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training.

disappointed schwartz training

↓

Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.

point ring statue

↓

Okay. But I still don't understand

↓

how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

lift ring statue

↓

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

power schwartz underestimate

↓

Come on, concentrate! Here we go!

concentrate

↓

Concentrate.

concentrate

↓

Lone starr, you're doing it!

lone

↓

I can't believe it! The Schwartz, it's working!

believe schwartz working

↓

Hey, boss, how'd you do that?

boss howd

↓

Give me the ring, quick.

quick ring

↓

Upsy-Daisy!

daisy

↓

Sorry, barf.

barf

↓

Keep searching.

searching

↓

It's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere.

searched

↓

Wait.

↓

I feel the presence of the Schwartz.

presence schwartz

↓

- The Schwartz? - Yes.

schwartz

↓

It's coming from somewhere

coming

↓

down there.

↓

You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here.

entrance secret

↓

And look at this insignia. It's a "y."

↓

Yogurt! I hate yogurt!

hate yogurt

↓

Even with strawberries!

↓

I'll call for the attack squad, sir.

attack squad

↓

No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz.

schwartz yogurt

↓

It's far too powerful.

powerful

↓

But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?

ring schwartz

↓

He got the upside. I got the downside. There's two sides to every Schwartz.

schwartz sides upside

↓

Then how are we gonna go in there and get her?

↓

We will not go in there.

↓

She will come out to us.

↓

Vespa, my child. Where are you?

child

↓

Daddy?

daddy

↓

Vespa, it's your father, king Roland.

father king roland

↓

- Come to me. - Daddy?

daddy

↓

I hear you. Where are you?

↓

Follow my voice.

follow voice

↓

Come to me.

↓

Vespa, where are you going?

↓

Vespa, come to me.

↓

Daddy. Is it really you?

daddy

↓

Yes, my dear.

dear

↓

I guarantee it. Would I lie?

guarantee

↓

Daddy.

daddy

↓

No, Vespa, don't!

↓

Fooled you.

fooled

↓

Take them both aboard and put the Princess in my quarters.

aboard princess quarters

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

Now she is mine.

↓

- What's the matter? What are they saying? - They've taken the Princess.

matter princess taken

↓

Spaceballs. Too late.

late

↓

Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.

boss worry

↓

- Thanks for the gas, yogurt. - You're welcome. And here!

thanks welcome yogurt

↓

Just in case you get hungry.

case hungry

↓

- A fortune cookie? - Yes!

cookie fortune

↓

Remember, open it before you eat it.

open remember

↓

Thanks. We better get going.

thanks

↓

I wonder, will we ever see each other again?

wonder

↓

Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again

knows meet willing

↓

in spaceballs 2: The search for more money.

money search

↓

- Goodbye, lone starr. - Goodbye, yogurt.

goodbye lone yogurt

↓

The ring of the Schwartz!

ring schwartz

↓

No, I can't take this.

↓

Take it. You might need it.

might

↓

Thanks. I'll never forget you.

forget thanks

↓

Wish me luck.

luck wish

↓

So, Princess Vespa,

princess

↓

at last I have you in my clutches

↓

to have my way with you the way I want to.

↓

No, please! Leave me alone.

alone

↓

No, you are mine.

↓

Not so fast, helmet.

fast helmet

↓

Lone starr.

lone

↓

Yes, it's me. I'm here to save my girlfriend.

girlfriend save

↓

Hi, honey.

honey

↓

Now you are going to die.

↓

Hey, what'd you do to my friend?

friend whatd

↓

The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy.

↓

And you, too.

↓

Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.

alone princess

↓

No, I hate you. Leave me alone!

alone hate

↓

Yet I find you strangely attractive.

attractive strangely

↓

Of course you do.

course

↓

Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power.

attracted money often power

↓

And I have both. And you know it.

↓

- Leave me alone! - No, kiss Mel

alone kiss

↓

no! Yes! No!

↓

- No! - Yes!

↓

Your helmet is so big.

helmet

↓

- Lord helmet. - What?

helmet lord

↓

You're needed on the bridge, sir!

bridge needed

↓

Knock on my door. Knock next time!

door knock

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

- Did you see anything? - No, sir.

↓

- I didn't see you playing with your dolls. - Good.

dolls playing

↓

President skroob.

president

↓

I told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.

wall

↓

Sorry, sir, but it's very important.

↓

The Princess has just been brought to your office

brought office princess

↓

and lord helmet and colonel sandurz are awaiting you there.

colonel helmet lord

↓

- All right. Tell them I'll be right there. - Yes, sir!

↓

Helmet, you fiend! What's going on? What are you doing to my daughter?

daughter helmet

↓

Permit me to introduce

introduce permit

↓

the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip schlotkin.

brilliant phillip plastic surgeon young

↓

The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.

beverly entire greatest hills nose universe

↓

Your highness.

highness

↓

Nose job? I don't understand.

nose

↓

She's already had a nose job. It was her sweet-sixteen present.

nose present sixteen sweet

↓

No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse.

worse

↓

If you do not give me the combination to the air shield,

combination shield

↓

Dr. schlotkin will give your daughter back her old nose.

daughter nose

↓

Nol

↓

where did you get that?

↓

All right, I'll tell!

↓

No, daddy, no, you mustn't!

daddy

↓

You're right, my dear. I'll miss your new nose.

dear miss nose

↓

But I will not tell him the combination, no matter what.

combination matter

↓

Very well. Dr. schlotkin, do your worst.

worst

↓

My pleasure.

pleasure

↓

No! Wait!

↓

I'll tell.

↓

I knew it would work. All right, give it to me.

↓

The combination is:

combination

↓

One.

↓

Two.

↓

Three.

three

↓

Four.

four

↓

Five.

five

↓

So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5.

combination

↓

That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life!

combination heard life stupidest

↓

That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

idiot luggage

↓

Thank you, your highness.

highness

↓

- What did you do? - I turned off the wall.

turned wall

↓

No, you turned off the whole movie.

movie turned whole whole-movie

↓

- I must have pressed the wrong button. - Put the movie back on!

button movie must pressed

↓

- Yes, sir. - You gotta get that thing fixed.

fixed

↓

We're back! And we have the combination!

combination

↓

- Schlotkin! - What?

↓

We're done with you.

↓

Go back to the golf course and work on your putts.

course golf golf-course

↓

Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen.

arnold gretchen

↓

Of course, you know I'll still have to bill you for this.

bill course

↓

I bet she gives great helmet.

gives helmet

↓

Did it work? Where's the king?

king

↓

It worked, sir. We have the combination.

combination worked

↓

Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from planet druidia.

breath fresh planet

↓

- What's the combination? - 1-2-3-4-5.

combination

↓

1-2-3-4-57 - yes.

↓

That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.

amazing combination luggage

↓

Prepare spaceball one for immediate departure.

immediate prepare

↓

Yes, sir.

↓

And change the combination on my luggage.

change combination luggage

↓

There it is. Spaceball city, straight ahead.

ahead city straight

↓

Good, I'm taking her in.

↓

What the hell is that thing?

↓

It looks like a winnebago with wings.

wings

↓

Hey, you can't park here!

park

↓

Yeah, can't you guys read? "No parking."

parking read

↓

That son of a...

↓

All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.

arrest hands illegal parking

↓

Yeah!

↓

Warden Miller, you're wanted in v-17.

miller wanted warden

↓

Attention. Section c scanners, report.

attention report section

↓

- She's gotta be in one of these cells. - Yeah, but which one?

cells

↓

Nobody knows

knows nobody nobody-knows

↓

- it's coming from here. - That can't be her.

coming

↓

The trouble I've seen

seen trouble

↓

nobody knows but Jesus

jesus knows nobody nobody-knows

↓

it's her.

↓

Nobody knows

knows nobody nobody-knows

↓

the trouble I've seen

seen trouble

↓

she's a bass.

bass

↓

Glory hallelujah

glory hallelujah

↓

What do you want?

↓

It's me.

↓

It's us.

↓

Lone starr. How did you find us?

lone

↓

No time to talk. Come on.

↓

- We gotta move. - Barf! How'd you do it?

barf howd

↓

Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!

stole uniforms

↓

And beat the shit out of us, too!

beat

↓

We got company.

company

↓

Watch out!

watch

↓

Damn it! That's our only way out.

↓

- We're trapped. - I hate these movies.

hate movies trapped

↓

- I'm out of ammo! - Get back! I'll hold them off.

ammo

↓

I got an ideal

ideal

↓

what's he doing?

↓

Good work.

↓

- More ping-pongs. Run for it. - Let's go!

ping

↓

It's closing!

closing

↓

The door's closing!

closing doors

↓

Go for broke!

broke

↓

Don't move or you're dead. Stand up!

dead stand

↓

Captain, we've got them.

captain

↓

Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for naught.

friends naught spectacular stunt

↓

Turn around, please.

↓

What a pity.

pity

↓

So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious force of...

force princess

↓

You idiots!

idiots

↓

These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles.

captured stunt

↓

Search the area. Find them!

area search

↓

Hurry up. Get aboard. I'll hold them off.

aboard hurry

↓

- Open the door! - I can't, it's fused.

door fused open

↓

- What about this one? - It's locked.

locked

↓

- Where are the keys? - Inside.

keys

↓

- Oh, great! - Duck!

duck

↓

Here, you hold them off. I'll get the door.

door

↓

I ain't shooting this thing. I hate guns.

aint guns hate shooting

↓

My hair. He shot my hair!

hair shot

↓

You son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

Holy shit!

holy

↓

How was that?

↓

Not bad.

↓

Not bad for a girl.

girl

↓

That was pretty good for Rambo!

rambo

↓

Let's blow this joint.

blow joint

↓

President skroob! Salute!

president salute

↓

Hail, skroob.

hail

↓

The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.

movie ship walk

↓

- Sir. - Yes?

↓

Never have that damn thing down in front of me.

front

↓

How do I know you're not making faces at me under that thing?

faces

↓

- President skroob. - Yes?

president

↓

There it is, planet druidia.

planet

↓

Planet druidia. And 10,000 years of fresh air.

fresh planet years

↓

The way he runs things, it won't last 100.

runs

↓

What?

↓

Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir.

preparing ship

↓

- Good. Get on with it. - Ready, kafka?

ready

↓

Look, it's spaceball one.

↓

- They've reached the air shield. - And it's opening.

opening reached shield

↓

The ship's too big. They'll never get through.

ships

↓

How will they get the air out? I don't see any hoses or anything.

↓

What's happening?

↓

The ship. Changing.

changing ship

↓

Oh, my gosh. It's not just a spaceship.

gosh

↓

It's a transformer.

↓

It's changing into...

changing

↓

- A gigantic... - Maid!

gigantic maid

↓

With a vacuum cleaner.

cleaner vacuum vacuum-cleaner

↓

So that's how they're gonna get the air out.

↓

Metamorphosis completed, sir. Spaceball one has now become

become completed

↓

megamaid.

↓

- Good! - Remarkable.

remarkable

↓

Now, commence operation vacu-suck.

commence operation suck

↓

Suck.

suck

↓

Goodbye, little Vespa.

goodbye

↓

My little baby Vespa.

baby

↓

- The air bag, it's almost full. - What do we do?

full

↓

We've gotta act fast.

fast

↓

Step one: We reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet.

blow planet reverse step vacuum

↓

Step two: We destroy that thing.

destroy step

↓

- But isn't that dangerous? - Extremely.

dangerous extremely

↓

Plus, I don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.

plus

↓

What about that ring yogurt gave you?

ring yogurt

↓

Come on, boss. Give it a shot!

boss shot

↓

Okay. Here goes nothing.

↓

Look at that.

↓

Wow!

↓

It's working.

working

↓

Come on, Schwartz!

schwartz

↓

- Helmet, what's going on? - Sandurz, what's going on?

helmet

↓

It's megamaid. She's gone from suck to blow.

blow gone suck

↓

What? They're getting all their air back. Do something.

↓

- Do something! - Do something!

↓

I'm breathing.

breathing

↓

Air.

↓

- Dim the lights. - Dimming the lights.

lights

↓

- Go to infrared. - Going to infrared.

↓

- Pray to god. - Praying to god.

pray praying

↓

Careful.

careful

↓

- What are you doing? - Scanning.

scanning

↓

There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism

mechanism self

↓

somewhere in the central brain area.

area brain central

↓

I think we just found it.

found

↓

- Where? - Watch.

watch

↓

Bingo! There it is.

bingo

↓

It's right below us.

↓

- Put her in hover, barf. - Putting her in hover.

barf hover putting

↓

- I'm going down there. - He's going down there.

↓

I wouldn't.

↓

What the hell are you doing?

↓

The vulcan neck pinch?

neck pinch

↓

No, stupid. You got it much too high.

stupid

↓

It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

meets neck shoulder

↓

- Like this? - Yeah.

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

Hand print identification, please.

hand identification print

↓

Thanks again.

thanks

↓

Is that you, mylar?

↓

Who are you? What are you doing with that?

↓

This!

↓

Sweet dreams.

dreams sweet sweet-dreams

↓

- Not so fast, lone starr. - Helmet.

fast helmet lone

↓

So. At last we meet for the first time for the last time.

meet

↓

Before you die, there is something you should know about us, lone starr.

lone

↓

What?

↓

I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

brothers cousins fathers former nephews roommate

↓

What's that make us?

↓

Absolutely nothing!

absolutely

↓

Which is what you are about to become.

become

↓

Prepare to die.

prepare

↓

You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.

ring schwartz

↓

Now let's see how well you handle it.

handle

↓

- He did it. - What?

↓

Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted.

hate schwartz twisted

↓

Maybe if I put my leg up on yours, we could scoot apart, like...

apart scoot

↓

Good. Yeah, on three. One, two, three, go!

three

↓

So, lone starr, yogurt has taught you well.

lone taught yogurt

↓

If there's one thing I despise, it is a fair fight.

despise fair fight

↓

But if I must, then I must.

must

↓

May the best man win.

best

↓

Put her there.

↓

The ring! I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

believe book fell oldest ring trick

↓

What a goof! What's with you, man? Come on.

goof

↓

You know what? Here, let me give it back to you.

↓

Look at that! You fell for that, too.

fell

↓

I can't believe it, man.

believe

↓

So, lone starr, now you see that evil will always triumph

evil lone triumph

↓

because good is dumb.

dumb

↓

Very impressive, lone starr.

impressive lone

↓

Too bad this isn't the wide world of sports.

sports wide wide-world world

↓

Use the Schwartz, lone starr. Use the Schwartz.

lone schwartz

↓

I can't. I lost the ring.

lost ring

↓

Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis.

forget ring

↓

I found it in a cracker Jack box.

cracker found jack

↓

The Schwartz is in you, lone starr. It's in you.

lone schwartz

↓

All right. I'll try.

↓

Say goodbye to your two best friends.

best best-friends friends goodbye

↓

And I don't mean your pals in the winnebago.

pals

↓

Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.

button pressing self

↓

This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.

minutes self ship three three-minutes

↓

What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris?

paris

↓

Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.

button pressing self

↓

This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds.

minutes seconds self ship

↓

You've got to stop it. Is there any way to stop it?

↓

I can't. It's irreversible.

↓

Like my raincoat.

raincoat

↓

Attention, this is colonel sandurz in forward command.

attention colonel command forward

↓

Abandon ship!

abandon ship

↓

All personnel proceed to escape pods.

escape personnel pods proceed

↓

Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.

circus close evacuate

↓

The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.

abandon activated mechanism self ship

↓

Sandurz, you gotta help me. I don't know what to do.

↓

I can't make decisions. I'm a president!

decisions president

↓

This is your two-minute warning.

minute warning

↓

This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.

minutes self ship

↓

Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled.

escape filled launch pods

↓

What's happening? Where is he?

↓

- Where is he? - Here.

↓

We've got a minute and 40 before the end of the world. Hang on.

hang minute world

↓

- Full throttle. - Full throttle.

full throttle

↓

- Go to hyper-jets! - Going to hyper-jets.

hyper jets

↓

Get out of there. Where do you think you're going?

↓

Pizza to go!

pizza

↓

That's my escape pod. Who are you?

escape

↓

I'm the bearded lady. What are you, one of the freaks?

bearded freaks lady

↓

Come back! That's my pod! No!

↓

Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!

bearded bitch

↓

One pod left. And three of us. And I'm the president.

left president three

↓

Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. I think you should go down with it.

boys lovely ship

↓

Goodbye!

goodbye

↓

What the hell's the matter with this seat belt?

belt hells matter seat seat-belt

↓

This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds.

seconds self ship

↓

This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.

button chance push

↓

Cancellation button? Hurry!

button hurry

↓

- Where is it? - It's gotta be here.

↓

- Out of order? - Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.

fuck future order works

↓

This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds.

seconds self ship

↓

Counting down.

counting

↓

Ten. Nine.

nine

↓

Eight.

eight

↓

- Six. - Six? What happened to seven?

happened seven

↓

Just kidding.

kidding

↓

- There's the other end. Faster! - Seven.

faster seven

↓

Six. Five. Four.

five four

↓

Three. Two. One.

three

↓

- Have a nice day. - Thank you.

↓

We did it!

↓

We all did it.

↓

So, I guess you might call that a case of man bites droid?

bites case droid might

↓

On a sadder note, pizza the hutt,

note pizza sadder

↓

famed half man, half pizza, was found dead earlier today

dead found half pizza today

↓

in the back seat of his stretched limo.

limo seat

↓

Evidently, the notorious gangster

evidently gangster

↓

became locked in his car and ate himself to death.

became death locked

↓

Coming up, pongo's review of rocky 5,000.

coming review rocky

↓

- Pongo. - Whoever said when you've seen...

seen

↓

Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket.

bucket kicked pizza

↓

Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.

million

↓

Daddy!

daddy

↓

Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never see you again.

darling

↓

My sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that you're home and safe.

daughter happy home safe sweet

↓

And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.

happy

↓

Hello. Where have you been?

↓

Thanks, hon.

thanks

↓

Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream.

dream hiya stuff

↓

What will you have?

↓

We just got a couple minutes while we're gassing up. What's ready?

couple couple-minutes minutes ready

↓

I can give you the space soup, or the space special.

soup space special

↓

- I'll have the soup. - Okay.

soup

↓

I'll have the cleavage. Special.

special

↓

Okay, one special and one soup.

soup special

↓

- Ready to order? - Hi, yes.

order ready

↓

- We'll both have the lunafish. - Anything to drink?

drink

↓

Hey, watch where you're sticking that thing.

sticking watch

↓

Look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.

mind sweetheart

↓

So, we were lost. None of us knew where we were.

lost

↓

And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees.

began feeling harry trees

↓

Then he said, "I got it. We on pluto.”

↓

And we say, "Harry, how can you tell?"

harry

↓

He said, "from the bark, you dummies.”

bark dummies

↓

Is he all right?

↓

Yeah, the guy digs me.

digs

↓

- Hey, what's wrong with this guy? - I don't know.

↓

Bring him some water!

bring water

↓

Water, my ass! Bring this guy some pepto-bismol!

bring water

↓

Waitress! What did he order?

order waitress

↓

He had the special.

special

↓

That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.

change order ordered soup

↓

Good move.

↓

Oh, no. Not again!

↓

Hello, my baby hello, my honey

baby honey

↓

hello, my ragtime gal

↓

send me a kiss by wire baby, my heart's on fire

baby fire hearts kiss send wire

↓

if you refuse me honey, you'll lose me

honey lose refuse

↓

then you'll be left alone

alone left left-alone

↓

oh baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own

baby telephone

↓

check, please.

check

↓

Five minutes to magic time.

five five-minutes magic minutes

↓

Are you all right, my dear? You look a little flighty.

dear

↓

Don't worry about me, father. I'm completely over him.

completely father worry

↓

Didn't even stay for the wedding.

wedding

↓

Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran.

bucks grabbed million space

↓

He didn't take the million.

million

↓

He didn't?

↓

No. He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas and tolls.

bucks lunch space tolls

↓

I still can't believe you turned down the money.

believe money turned

↓

At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. I'm starving.

feast least starving stayed wedding

↓

Have you got anything to eat?

↓

Wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.

cookie fortune minute yogurt

↓

- Here, chow down. - Wow, thanks. I'll split it with you.

chow split thanks

↓

- No. - Okay.

↓

- Yogurt! - Hello, boys.

boys yogurt

↓

Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune.

cookie fortune opened

↓

Lone starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck

lone neck wear

↓

but you don't know what it means?

↓

Here's what it means. It's a royal birth certificate.

birth certificate royal

↓

Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen.

father king mother queen

↓

Which makes you a certified prince.

certified makes prince

↓

Hey, I'm a prince!

prince

↓

I'm a prince. Which means...

prince

↓

Which means, if you hurry, there could be a Princess in your future.

future hurry princess

↓

If you want to get back there before she marries sleeping beauty,

beauty sleeping

↓

there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment.

compartment fuel glove special

↓

- Good luck, boys. - Bye, yogurt.

boys luck yogurt

↓

- And, yogurt, thanks. - You're welcome.

thanks welcome yogurt

↓

And may the Schwartz be with you!

schwartz

↓

Barf, open that glove compartment.

barf compartment glove open

↓

You got it, your highness.

highness

↓

Wow! Liquid Schwartz!

liquid schwartz

↓

- Quick, pour it in the emergency tank. - Right.

emergency pour quick tank

↓

Look at that.

↓

Donel

↓

hang on, barf, we're gonna make spacetracks.

barf hang

↓

Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?

coming dear nose

↓

Hey, watch my helmet.

helmet watch

↓

Spaceballs?

↓

Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

planet

↓

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together

beloved dearly gathered

↓

again.

↓

Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money?

money

↓

I didn't think it was important.

↓

May I continue, please?

continue

↓

Besides, he asked me not to tell you.

asked besides

↓

Thank you.

↓

To join Princess Vespa and Princess valium...

join princess valium

↓

I'm sorry, it's the hair.

hair

↓

Prince valium in the bonds of holy matrimony.

bonds holy prince valium

↓

I see it all now. Don't you see? He loves me!

loves

↓

I'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love.

conduct love wedding

↓

- Please be quiet. - I'm sorry.

quiet

↓

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry, too.

↓

- Don't be sorry. Be quiet! - I'm sorry!

quiet

↓

To join Princess Vespa and prince valium

join prince princess valium

↓

in the bonds of holy

bonds holy

↓

moly!

moly

↓

Matrimony.

↓

That's him! I know it's him. He's come back.

↓

That's it! I'm gonna take no more chances. We're doing the short version.

chances short version

↓

Prince valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?

prince princess valium wedded wife

↓

Princess Vespa, do you take prince valium to be your lawfully wedded husband?

husband prince princess valium wedded

↓

Well, I suppose.

suppose

↓

Well... oh, I don't know.

↓

- No! She doesn't! - What?

↓

Who the hell are you?

↓

Prince lone starr.

lone prince

↓

Prince?

prince

↓

I just found out. That's what this says.

found

↓

I'm an honest to god prince.

honest prince

↓

Will you marry me?

marry

↓

Well, let me think about it.

↓

Yes.

↓

I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today!

marry sick somebody today

↓

- Who are you? - I'm the best man.

best

↓

- What's your name? - Barf.

barf name

↓

- Your full name. - Barfolomew.

full name

↓

Then get over there!

↓

Okay, here we go. The short, short version.

short version

↓

- Do you? - Yes.

↓

- Do you? - Yes!

↓

Good. You're married. Kiss her.

kiss married

↓

- I love you. - I love you.

love

↓

Well, goodbye, virgin alarm.

alarm goodbye virgin