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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S12E05 — Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer
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Season 12, Episode 5 — Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer
911, what's your emergency?
#1
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I'm in an alley and there's, um... I'm not really sure.
#3
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Sir. Sir, what's in the alley?
#4
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Dead. Definitely dead.
#5
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Sir, if it's a cat, you need to call animal control.
#7
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No, no, no, it's not a cat, it's not a cat, it's a woman.
#8
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But also a cat. It's a cat-woman.
#9
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Sir, I do not have time for pranks.
#10
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No, it's not a prank.
#11
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Then is it a cat or a woman, sir?
#12
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Both! It's both. Whatever it is, it's neck is broken.
#13
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It's dead!
#14
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All right. Uh, let's get started.
#15
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What do you guys wanna know?
#16
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The circumstances surrounding the death
#17
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of the woman born Maureen Ponderosa
#18
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captivated South Philadelphia.
#19
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She was discovered in an alley with a broken neck.
#20
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her transition to a cat.
#22
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And in her cat form, she went by the name Bastet
#23
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The story quickly became fodder for local media.
#25
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So much for having nine lives.
#26
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This cat did not land on her feet.
#27
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She landed on her neck.
#28
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Authorities soon focused
#29
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on the suspicious nature of her death.
#30
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I've been with the Philadelphia Police Department for 24 years,
#32
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12 of which were with the Homicide division.
#33
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I've seen a lot of things.
#34
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Okay. Who am I to judge?
#36
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But, really, a cat?
#37
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What's next? A watermelon?
#38
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First thing we wanted to establish is
#39
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to whether the deceased was acting strange.
#40
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More like suicide strange.
#42
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That's where they add more nipples.
#45
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I guess--
#46
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I don't know-- she wanted more nipples.
#47
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The thought of that just makes me want to blow my lunch.
#48
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Now, apparently, the ex-husband was on the hook
#49
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He wasn't happy about it.
#51
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Was I irritated by this?
#53
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Yeah, of course I was.
#54
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You know, but I-I remained supportive
#56
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and, uh, kept my cool.
#57
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No, no, no, no, if you want to get more nipples,
#59
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please get more nipples.
#60
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Get 1,000 nipples. The more nipples, the better, Maureen.
#61
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And you know what? While we're at it, I'm gonna turn myself into a dog.
#62
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With 1,000 teeth.
#63
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Oh, does that make you nervous?
#64
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I find that offensive, 'cause a dog is who I am now.
#65
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Now, due to the nature of this call,
#66
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we decided to bring him in for questioning.
#67
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And he cooperated.
#68
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Said he wanted to clear his name.
#69
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All right, why don't you tell me where you were that night?
#70
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and then went over to the bar for a couple of drinks.
#73
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He answered every question.
#74
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Even offered DNA samples.
#75
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Although he did request to draw his own blood,
#76
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which is kind of strange.
#77
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Okay. Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. I'll be right back.
#78
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Yeah, sure no problem. Oh, actually, Detective, you know what,
#79
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If you're a coffee guy,
#81
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there's a great place just opened up on 2nd Street
#82
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Mr. Reynolds was forthright.
#84
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Get me one, too, if you go over there.
#86
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Thanks.
#87
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It wasn't until I reviewed
#88
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Something very unsettling.
#90
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24 years on the job,
#91
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I'd never seen anything like it.
#92
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Never moved.
#94
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Never blinked.
#95
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Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.
#96
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but my gut told me this guy was guilty.
#98
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Of something.
#99
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Maureen?
#103
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Dennis killed Bastet, all right?
#105
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and she would knock an extra 15 bucks off a month,
#474
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so of course, I'm gonna let her do it.
#475
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Look, is getting groomed like a cat by your ex weird?
#476
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Yep.
#477
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Is it illegal?
#478
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I wish.
#479
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The investigation was at a crossroads.
#480
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Then another massive break.
#481
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Dennis has an answer for everything.
#482
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Well, answer me this:
#483
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Where's the collar?
#484
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Cats have collars.
#485
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Maureen's body
#486
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didn't have a collar on it.
#487
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Killers keep trophies.
#488
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Alls I'm saying,
#489
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find the collar, find the killer.
#490
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This is not the first time the collar came up.
#491
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Dee Reynolds had, oddly,
#492
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made the collar an issue during filming.
#493
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Hey. Stop!
#494
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Stop! Stop with the squirting! Stop! Cool it!
#495
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We said one spray and then my line.
#496
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I... It was in my contract that we talked...
#497
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I put one squirt in there for... on purpose.
#498
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And this collar! I... Th-There's something wrong
#499
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with the collar. It's driving me nuts.
#500
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It... is an actual flea collar?
#501
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You son of a bitch.
#502
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I-I really think the water activated
#503
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some kind of, like, chemical agent. My-my neck's burning.
#504
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Was the flea collar actually burning her,
#505
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as she claimed?
#506
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Are you serious?
#507
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Yes, asshole! It was burning my skin!
#508
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You want to zoom in on this?!
#509
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Hard to say.
#510
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But maybe there was another reason she removed it.
#511
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Whatever Deandra says is BS.
#512
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She's probably just covering for him because she's afraid
#513
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he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.
#514
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Maybe Deandra didn't want to wear the collar
#515
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in order to cover for her brother
#516
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and to establish that Maureen never wore a collar at all.
#517
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We then discovered something in this piece of footage
#518
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that blew the doors wide open on this case.
#519
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Was I a person of interest?
#520
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Yeah.
#521
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I am an interesting person.
#522
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But at the end of the day, you know,
#523
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I'm just some guy with a crazy ex-wife
#524
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who fell off of a roof pretending to be a cat.
#525
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That's the end of it.
#526
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All my stories checked out.
#527
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I was cleared. Case closed.
#528
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Find the collar, find the killer.
#529
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Find the collar, find the killer.
#530
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...'cause a dog is who I am now!
#531
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...hit the referee!
#532
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Find the collar...
#533
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"Very nice."
#534
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Find the collar, find the killer.
#535
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As of 2017, Dennis Reynolds is still at large,
#536
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lurking the streets of Philadelphia.
#537
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Guys, this was an open-and-shut case that was shut months ago.
#538
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And Maureen never wore a collar. You guys put that there.
#539
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Well, yeah, we needed a big twist at the end
#540
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to show that you're guilty.
#541
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But I'm-I'm not guilty.
#542
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What about the security footage of Maureen's death?
#543
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I mean, it shows her prancing around on the roof
#544
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like an asshole, and then she just falls off.
#545
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People don't want to see that,
#546
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because it's hard evidence, you know what I mean? Yeah.
#547
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Like, it's better to actually sit on that footage
#548
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until, like, maybe episode ten, and then let people
#549
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decide then if you're guilty or not.
#550
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Ten episo... You're gonna do ten episodes of this?
#551
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Yeah, but then even then we would keep it vague.
#552
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I mean, 'cause that's entertainment, you know?
#553
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Someone gets murdered, and then you make a show.
#554
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But you never give any actual answers,
#555
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because that's what people love. No.
#556
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You drag it out. You rake it all over the victim's family.
#557
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It's sort of like eating a bag of chips, you know?
#558
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It's never gonna actually make you full,
#559
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and at the end you're sick,
#560
⇓
but you want to go back for more.
#561
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You want more chips.
#562
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Murder is chips. Okay,
#563
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you know what, I don't know what you guys are talking about,
#564
⇓
but I'm gonna find these tapes, and I'm gonna destroy them.
#565
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Well, we have backups, so it... Oh, you know what? Yeah.
#566
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That could make a good episode, where he's destroying--
#567
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Let's think about that, right? He's destroying the tapes...
#568
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You know what,
#569
⇓
that would be
#570
⇓
"very nice."
#571
⇓
Is that Borat?
#572
⇓
Yes! See?
#573
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He gets it. He's laughing.
#574
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Yeah, 'cause I know he was doing an impression. He's laughing.
#575
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Okay, wait, uh, let me... let me think of another one.
#576
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Let me think of another one. "I'll be back."
#577
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Oh... Who is that? Who is that?
#578
⇓
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