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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S12E04 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare
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Season 12, Episode 4 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare
♪ Go for it, go for it, go
#1
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♪ Go for it, go for it, go
#2
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♪ Go for it, go for it, go
#3
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♪ Go for it, go for it, go ♪
#4
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Go for it, go for it.
#5
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Somebody's chipper this morning.
#6
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Oh, you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.
#7
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We just didn't want to interrupt your morning routine.
#8
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- Yeah. - Hey, Frank.
#10
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- How's Wolf Cola doing? - Funny you should ask.
#11
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They're slurping it up like candy. I'm telling you, they're addicted.
#13
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If I recall, Wolf Cola used to just be a money laundering front.
#14
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They can't get enough of it.
#16
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It's become the official drink of Boca Raton.
#17
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The group released another video today.
#19
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Preliminary investigations have revealed
#20
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although how and why Boko Haram has adopted it as their official soft drink
#22
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is unknown at this time.
#23
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Boca Raton, Frank?
#25
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Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?
#26
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Whoops.
#27
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How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa?
#28
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It is, if you're an elderly cokehead,
#30
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trying to launder money through a dummy soda corporation.
#31
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This is bigger than cola, Dee.
#32
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This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids.
#33
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Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink, Fight Milk.
#35
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- Fight Milk? - Fight Milk!
#36
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Wait, that's our drink. You've been selling that?
#37
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It's selling like crazy with the UFC guys.
#38
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- UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk? - What?
#39
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Buying it like crazy.
#40
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Remember, we designed that for bodyguards, by bodyguards.
#42
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And it makes total sense, because the best bodyguards
#43
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- are former UFC fighters. - Of course.
#44
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And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards.
#45
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- So, bodyguards, UFC fighters... - It's a revolving door.
#46
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Let's get out there. Let's mingle with these dudes.
#48
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Fight Milk's back.
#50
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- Fight Milk! - Yeah!
#51
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Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.
#52
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- Go bag? - You're gonna go blond?
#53
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Yeah. This is not funny.
#54
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It's very funny to me, 'cause your life's falling apart.
#55
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You really screwed yourself this time. Do you mind?
#56
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Go ahead. I'm screwed? You're going down, too, buddy.
#57
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What?
#58
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Remember when you wanted all the power, so you could get the puss?
#59
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I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution.
#60
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Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I only wanted the illusion of power.
#61
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The illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.
#62
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This is a good day for me. You're going down, too? This is great.
#63
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- What? - Yes.
#65
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Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?
#66
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It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.
#67
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- Okay, all right. - Oh, no.
#68
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Don't panic. I got this. We just need to face this thing head-on.
#69
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And we need to do it right away, okay? Because we only have...
#70
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Twenty-four hours.
#71
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This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?
#72
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Yes, bitch. Now, listen. We live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle,
#73
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If we don't, Internet trolls will control the narrative.
#75
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Mercedes built Nazi tanks,
#77
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and the Jews are still driving their cars around.
#78
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and he's the highest paid athlete of all time.
#80
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What about the Catholic Church?
#82
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That's a good point.
#83
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- And we do not, so... - No.
#86
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Here we go.
#87
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Wait, are you saying you're an animal rights activist?
#411
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No, I'm actually the opposite.
#412
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I can't imagine a bigger waste of people's time and energy.
#413
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If you can eat fried chicken, then I should be able to eat fried dog.
#414
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I should be able to eat a bucket of fried dog at a chicken fight.
#415
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All I'm saying is, look, let's just, you know, let's be consistent.
#416
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How you feeling? You've been pounding that new formula?
#417
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I see you doing it.
#418
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Yeah, and we're not doing so good, asshole,
#419
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'cause nothing's coming out of me. My trash can's empty.
#420
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We're scared to shit we ain't gonna make weight.
#421
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- Guys, don't worry. - Don't worry.
#422
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This is all a part of our two-step process, all right?
#423
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Right now, you're crow loading.
#424
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You've drank about four or five entire crows,
#425
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'cause I'm grinding one up for every bottle at this point.
#426
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It's that crow enzyme that's jacking you up,
#427
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and that's why you look so beefy and so handsome.
#428
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Then what will happen is you start drinking the Fight Milk Classic,
#429
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and that will make you really sick,
#430
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'cause that's just the crow eggs and some fecal matter.
#431
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So, you start to puke and be fine for the weigh-in.
#432
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You'll be puking on your dick in no time.
#433
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That one's real nasty. Don't worry. You'll make weight at the weigh-in.
#434
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All I know is, we don't make weight, I'm killing you both.
#435
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- Yeah. All right. - That's fine.
#436
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We're gonna be... We're good. All right, guys, go kick ass.
#437
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Remember, that's the nasty one. Drink that one. That one's got a real...
#438
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All right, let's bring out the first fighter, Cub Swanson.
#439
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- We gotta get him on Fight Milk. - Yeah.
#440
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We gotta get him drinking it.
#441
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Up next, the challenger, Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone.
#442
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- Cowboy! - Yeah!
#443
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Yes!
#444
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This is it, dude. If he makes weight,
#445
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it's gonna change Fight Milk and our lives forever.
#446
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I know, but if he doesn't, we're bolting.
#447
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Yeah. I've already scoped out every single exit.
#448
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Cowboy! Cowboy! - 155.
#449
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Yes!
#450
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Yeah. We did it!
#451
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- We're gonna be rich! - We did it! Let's go.
#452
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Cowboy, how you feeling right now?
#453
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I'm feeling good. Ready to put on a show for all these guys.
#454
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What the hell is going on? Who are these guys?
#455
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I'd like to take the opportunity to thank Fight Milk.
#456
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Yes, and thank you, Cowboy, and thank you, Megan.
#457
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We'd like to take this opportunity to announce
#458
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that Fight Milk is now the official drink of the UFC.
#459
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- Now, if you're in-- - No, no.
#460
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This is not the official drink of the UFC.
#461
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And I don't know who these guys are.
#462
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- Security, get these assholes out of here! - Fight Milk!
#463
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Fight Milk! Fight Milk!
#464
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Fight Milk! Fight Milk! Fight Milk!
#465
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Fight Milk! Fight Milk!
#466
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The nationwide hatred of Wolf Cola
#467
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continues to intensify on an hourly basis...
#468
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Holy shit. We're getting hammered worse than before.
#469
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Bye-bye, Frank's Fluids.
#470
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Turns out there are two things that can't be forgiven,
#471
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raping children and disliking dogs.
#472
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What will I do with all the merchandise?
#473
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Throw it in the garbage, burn it. Who gives a shit?
#474
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We're done. Fight Milk shit the bed.
#475
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What happened?
#476
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Breaking news from the sports world.
#477
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Fighters at a UFC event in Philly
#478
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tested positive for several banned substances,
#479
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stemming from an energy drink called Fight Milk.
#480
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We pumped it full of human growth hormone.
#481
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Just nothing else was working. It was just giving people diarrhea.
#482
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- Mm. - Ugh.
#483
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Starting to become known as the official drink of the UFC,
#484
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this Fight Milk is a serious smudge for the group,
#485
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and a potential public relations nightmare.
#486
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Holy shit. Holy shit.
#487
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- What? - Guys, this is good.
#488
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We're freed, and they are screwed.
#489
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This is actually the one good thing about the 24-hour news cycle.
#490
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If you give it enough time, something new will come along
#491
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to replace people's old outrage with new outrage.
#492
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Not much is known about Fight Milk,
#493
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except that it's made right here in Philadelphia
#494
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by a parent company known as Frank's Fluids.
#495
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Goddamn it!
#496
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- Start the clock. - Yeah.
#497
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