Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E01 — The Gang Gets Romantic

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 1 — The Gang Gets Romantic

Hey, look what I just found, at the bus stop.

#1

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"Gruesome twosome seek exotic Europeans for week long rental

#2

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"in luxurious one-bedroom apartment.

#3

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"Bed to be shared with owners. Shitter down hall.

#4

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Email F. Reynolds at Warthog-OrgyFart.edu."

#5

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- Nice. - Wha... what? - Yeah. It's a good ad.

#6

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You know, we got the Airbnb idea from Dennis and Mac,

#7

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- 'cause they're doing it. - Yes, but we're not posting

#8

⇓

creepy flyers at bus stations. I mean, w-what kind of people do you think

#9

⇓

- you're gonna attract with that? - What?

#10

⇓

Young Bohemians with no sexual boundaries,

#11

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w-who don't mind a shitter down the hall.

#12

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Yeah, like, European backpacking chicks

#13

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- who stay in hostels and stuff. - Yeah. Free.

#14

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- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah. Don't be jealous

#15

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when Charlie and I are up to our eyebrows in Viennese gash.

#16

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- Ugh. - Ugh, gross.

#17

⇓

Come on, man.

#18

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Guys, don't try to lump yourselves in

#19

⇓

with what we're doing, okay? What we're doing

#20

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is very charming and romantic.

#21

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- We're setting up a meet-cute. - Ah, a-a w-what?

#22

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Are you trying to say, uh, "meat cube"?

#23

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- Like, a little cube of meat? - Meat?

#24

⇓

- Because that's a good idea, actually. - No.

#25

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We're doing a meet-cute.

#26

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It's-it's where two soul mates meet

#27

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under charming and/or cute circumstances.

#28

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- Like, from a rom-com. - No.

#29

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- Let-let's keep the trap simple. - Yeah.

#30

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Well, don't call it a trap, because that's not romantic.

#31

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Yeah, I'm sure for Dennis, it's a trap.

#32

⇓

_

#33

⇓

Coming.

#34

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You must be Lisa.

#35

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- And you must be Mac. - That's right.

#36

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Come on in to my very spacious apartment.

#37

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This is gonna be your room here,

#38

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- and I think that... - Hello. Oh...

#39

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Hello, I'm Dennis. I'm here for the room.

#40

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Oh, my God. Dennis, no.

#41

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Y-You're supposed to be here next week.

#42

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No, it was this week.

#43

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Uh, for sure it was this week.

#44

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Oh, my God, it was this week.

#45

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- You know, this is, this is humiliating. - Did something happen?

#46

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- I must have overbooked... - Oh.

#47

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- ...this Airbnb, and that's a problem... - Oh, my gosh.

#48

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- ...because we only have the one room, so... - We can work this out,

#49

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because I think we can probably stay

#50

⇓

in the same room to-together.

#51

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It wouldn't bother me if it wouldn't bother you.

#52

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I mean, I-I don't like to come off as a difficult person.

#53

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- Um... - Oh. Now, d-do you like to come off

#54

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- as a difficult person? - No.

#55

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- No. Of course not. - Oh, no.

#56

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- Who-who would? Who would? - Yeah. No, no one likes

#57

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to be a difficult person, so we can make it work.

#58

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- I'm Dennis. - Uh...

#59

⇓

I don't think my husband and I would be comfortable

#60

⇓

sharing a room.

#61

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Husband?

#62

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I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were married.

#63

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- I didn't realize I had to tell you that. - Yeah.

#64

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- Oh... - Uh, hi.

#65

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- Uh, one of you guys must be Mac. - Yeah, that's me.

#66

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- You, you're the husband. - Mm-hmm.

#67

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I see. Uh, this is Dennis.

#68

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- What's up? - He's also gonna be staying here.

#69

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- Well... - Yeah, you know what?

#70

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Maybe we should just get another room.

#71

⇓

- Oh, no, no. I mean, maybe. - We're gonna make it work.

#72

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Well, you guys crash in there,

#73

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- and Dennis will stay in my room. - Uh, I don't know.

#74

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I don't know. I don't think so. Uh, I'm good.

#75

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- I-I'm not gonna. - Oh, well, it's just that you,

#76

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you just said that you were cool sharing a room, so...

#77

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Right. Yeah, but I was, uh, you know,

#78

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I'm-I'm, but, you know, ch...

#79

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Things change.

#80

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Yeah. It's just that you don't have anywhere to go.

#81

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Well, you wouldn't know that.

#82

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- Yeah, somehow I do. - Yeah...

#83

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Hey, we're just really tired

#84

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and would love to crash, if that's okay.

#85

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Absolutely. Yeah, you guys, you guys hit the hay.

#86

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We're probably gonna hit the hay, too.

#87

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- Thank you. - All right, yeah. Best of luck. - Absolutely.

#88

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- Thank you. - Yeah, we're gonna work it out.

#89

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- It's not gonna be an issue. - All right. Thanks.

#90

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Have a great night, guys.

#91

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This is so exciting.

#92

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- Yeah. - Now, you said they're,

#93

⇓

uh, where are these girls from?

#94

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- Australia? Or what is that...? - No, no.

#95

⇓

They're two Austrian broads.

#96

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- Aww... - Alexi and Nikki.

#97

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Oh, wowee, Frank.

#98

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Those names are, those names are like...

#99

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Before they get here, we got to lay down some ground rules.

#100

⇓

When we wind up working the same broad,

#101

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no eye contact between the two of us.

#102

⇓

- Wait, what? - And they're gonna encourage us

#103

⇓

- to explore each other's bodies. - What?

#104

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- A-And that's a hard no for me. - No, for me, too.

#105

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- Let's lead with that. - Wait, what's about to happen?

#106

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I'm not sure I want...

#107

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Keep your fingers to yourself.

#108

⇓

- But have a good time. - Uh... Hey, can...

#109

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I just kind of want you to explain what you...

#110

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- Yeah. - ...what you got on your mind here, but...

#111

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Who the hell are you?

#112

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Hi. We're here for the room.

#113

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Nah, no, no, no, no, no.

#114

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We're waiting for Nikki and Alexi.

#115

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Yeah. I am Nikki, and this is my father Alexi.

#116

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Oh, shit.

#117

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What is this, man? W-What, what are we doing?

#118

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I-I don't want to do this anymore. Can we stop?

#119

⇓

Huh? No, we can't stop now.

#120

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We're-we're right on track.

#121

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I don't know, man. It just...

#122

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It just feels like a-a lot of effort,

#123

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and it feels desperate, you know what I mean?

#124

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Like, I-I never put this much work

#125

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into banging some cute meat.

#126

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Cute meat?

#127

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Cute meat. That-that was your phrase.

#128

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No, Dennis, "meet-cute."

#129

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It has a name, Mac. Its name is Lisa.

#130

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This is fun, right? This is the banter. This is the,

#131

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this is... this is all a part of act one banter.

#132

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And we are right on schedule.

#133

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Shh. Listen.

#134

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They're fighting.

#135

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I'm telling you, their marriage is on the rocks.

#136

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What-what, wait-wait-wait.

#137

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What's that third noise?

#138

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Dude, i-is that, like, a chicken or a parrot

#139

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or some shit? Dude, uh, I thought we said no animals.

#140

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Mac, tell them no animals in my room.

#141

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That's no animal.

#142

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- Oh... - We needed reinforcements.

#143

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- Okay, catch me up to speed. - Shh, shh.

#144

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- Listen, listen. - You can't keep blaming me

#145

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- for what happened with Teddy. - Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

#146

⇓

- Who is Teddy? - Mm...

#147

⇓

The wife must have cheated on the husband

#148

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with some guy named Teddy.

#149

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No, no, no, that's all wrong.

#150

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The female love interest can't be a cheater,

#151

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because that makes her unlikable.

#152

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Maybe this isn't a romantic comedy about the wife at all.

#153

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Maybe it's about the husband.

#154

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Yes. The husband is the lonely heart

#155

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who needs to find love in the big city.

#156

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Dee, you're my new romantic lead,

#157

⇓

proving that romantic leads don't have to be likable at all.

#158

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I'm sorry, I can't follow any of this.

#159

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- Am I in or out? - You're out.

#160

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- Great. I'm gonna go sleep in the living room. - Okay.

#161

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- Uh... - Awesome.

#162

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Charlie, this is weird as shit.

#163

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Yeah. Hey... hey, uh, Nikki, what's this

#164

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- that we're listening to here, pal? - Oh.

#165

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It's just a little bit of music that I wrote.

#166

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Ah, you're a, you're a yodeler, huh?

#167

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Uh, y-yeah. Uh, may I ask if you have a small pot

#168

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- that I can boil these lederhosen in? - Uh, yeah.

#169

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I got something. Uh, let me just look around here.

#170

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What do you got going there with the toe?

#171

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- Does he speak English? - No, and sadly,

#172

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- he refuses to learn. - Oh, yeah.

#173

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Oh, yeah, Frank doesn't like to learn new things either.

#174

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Here you go. Tha-That should work.

#175

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Ask him what he's working that toe with.

#176

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Um, how do you say... There is no word.

#177

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Uh, "toe spoon," for the digging out of the toe.

#178

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- Mmm. - Don't flick it.

#179

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Hey, Frank, can I talk to you for a second over here, man?

#180

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- Mind if we just... - Yeah.

#181

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Dude, this is weird as hell man.

#182

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We gotta... We're just gonna have to, like,

#183

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power through this night,

#184

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and then we'll figure something out tomorrow, man.

#185

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All right? We'll just... Let's just get into bed,

#186

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and get out of here. Hey, hey, guys, you know,

#187

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- we figure we should just turn in early. - We're gonna go to sleep

#188

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- right now. - 'Cause the night goes quicker, you know?

#189

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- We usually sleep ass to ass. - That's true.

#190

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But let's see if we can...

#191

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- I call the side. - I'll get...

#192

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- You got the end, huh? - Yeah. Picked the side here.

#193

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- Why don't you hop in. - All right, I'll hop in.

#194

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- Yeah. - All right.

#195

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Well, ass to ass.

#196

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- We're ass to ass. - Here we go.

#197

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All right.

#198

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Fuck this.

#199

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Dennis. Come here.

#200

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- What... What are you doing, man? - Shh! Shh.

#201

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Wh-Why are you in their room?

#202

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- Shh, shh, shh. - What?

#203

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I just set up the perfect meet-cute for Dee.

#204

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- Okay. - See, Greg's in the shower,

#205

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so I snuck in there, I picked the lock,

#206

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and I just made my way in.

#207

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I checked him out for a quick second.

#208

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He has a tiny penis, just for the record.

#209

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- Ah. - Then, I open up the toilet.

#210

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I shit, like, my brains out into it, right?

#211

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I came at this thing like an animal, man.

#212

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And then I took a bunch of toilet paper.

#213

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I-I jammed it in there

#214

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so it won't flush; it won't flush.

#215

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Why?

#216

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Because when Greg gets out of the shower,

#217

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he's gonna realize that this toilet is a mess.

#218

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I mean, it is a splatter-fest.

#219

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He's gonna look for a plunger. There is no plunger.

#220

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I'm gonna send him down to the hardware store,

#221

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where he's gonna run into Dee.

#222

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Oh, my God!

#223

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Greg, y... Are you okay in there?

#224

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Um, no. I-I think there's a problem with the toilet.

#225

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You may need to get a plunger.

#226

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A plunger? Oh, man, we don't really even have a plunger

#227

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here in the apartment,

#228

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but we have a hardware store down the street.

#229

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If you go down there and get it, I can get you back.

#230

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Okay. Hey, when did this happen?

#231

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Wh-What?

#232

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The shit in the toilet. It's not mine.

#233

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Oh, my God, when did that happen?

#234

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- Just close the door. - That's what I'm asking you.

#235

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- Okay, now the plan is in motion for you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#236

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What do you mean the plan's in motion for me?

#237

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I thought I was out.

#238

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Remember when we were saying that

#239

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the female romantic lead would never cheat?

#240

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- Uh-huh. - Okay, well, I overheard Lisa

#241

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saying to Greg that she misses Teddy.

#242

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Huh? Why would she tell Greg

#243

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that she misses the guy that she cheated with?

#244

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Unless she didn't cheat on him with Teddy.

#245

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Maybe Teddy was a platonic friend

#246

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from high school that makes Greg jealous.

#247

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Don't you know what this means?

#248

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Lisa is still our romantic lead, which means...

#249

⇓

- So I'm still your leading man. - Yeah.

#250

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- This is crazy, Charlie. - Yeah, I know.

#251

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I mean, Dennis is having meet cubes with hot chicks,

#252

⇓

- and we're stuck with these guys. - I know.

#253

⇓

I want to be having meet cubes, right?

#254

⇓

Me, too. Me, too.

#255

⇓

What the hell? What the hell is he doing?

#256

⇓

I don't know what he's doing.

#257

⇓

What are you... What are you doing there?

#258

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What... What are you doing with the spoon?

#259

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You can't get to the hard-to-reach places with that.

#260

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You need a knife. You need an edge.

#261

⇓

- Here, take this. - What, uh...

#262

⇓

What are you working on over here, pal?

#263

⇓

Because, you know, Frank and I have

#264

⇓

a very specific diet; we like to eat pretty clean.

#265

⇓

And I don't want to...

#266

⇓

- That is, uh, sausage... - Yeah.

#267

⇓

- ...mit peanut butter und apricot jam sandwich. - Hmm.

#268

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But the trick is to melt the cheese on the outside.

#269

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Well, that's right, you put peanut butter on the inside,

#270

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you put the cheese on the outside.

#271

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But you don't want to burn that cheese, right, so you...

#272

⇓

...so you finish it on the radiator.

#273

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I do that, too. I didn't think anyone did that, man!

#274

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And that is the trick. That's how you do it.

#275

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- That's exactly... Exactly. - Exactly.

#276

⇓

Hey, Charlie, this is pretty good.

#277

⇓

You can get in there behind the toe,

#278

⇓

and it's rounded, so you don't have a chance

#279

⇓

of filletin' yourself.

#280

⇓

Probably shouldn't share it, though, guys.

#281

⇓

It's not... That's not sanitary.

#282

⇓

I got a question. Tell me if it's asking too much,

#283

⇓

but I've always kind of seen myself as a yodeler.

#284

⇓

Would you be willing to show me how you do that?

#285

⇓

I would like that very much.

#286

⇓

For real? Okay, 'cause I feel like

#287

⇓

if I... if I learn how to yodel, I'm going places.

#288

⇓

You know what I mean? Because, like, no one...

#289

⇓

- no one's doing that these days. - Charlie.

#290

⇓

- Charlie, come here. - Uh, give me one second.

#291

⇓

Yo, what's up?

#292

⇓

We just got a hit on the apartment.

#293

⇓

Two European broads.

#294

⇓

Oh, I don't know, man, things are starting to really

#295

⇓

- turn a corner with these guys. - Yeah, I know.

#296

⇓

I mean, you know, I'm having fun.

#297

⇓

- I like the spoon. - And you got that.

#298

⇓

- I guess... Okay, but you know. - Yeah. Yeah, ooh...

#299

⇓

And...

#300

⇓

- Sorry, no. We double-booked. - Sorry, guys. Yeah, I'm so sorry.

#301

⇓

- We're gonna miss you. - You know, these things happen.

#302

⇓

- We-we just double-booked. - Thanks for the toe spoon.

#303

⇓

Yeah, thanks so much, guys. Good-bye.

#304

⇓

Oops.

#305

⇓

Sorry.

#306

⇓

That was pretty cute, wasn't it, how we...

#307

⇓

both reached for the plunger at the same time?

#308

⇓

Yeah, I guess.

#309

⇓

Also, looks like it's the only one.

#310

⇓

It's the last one, so, um... maybe we could share it.

#311

⇓

How would that work?

#312

⇓

Well, I guess, first you'd have to come back to my place.

#313

⇓

You know, I can always use a man

#314

⇓

to help me clean my pipes.

#315

⇓

Help flushing the shit you took that backed up your toilet?

#316

⇓

No. No, that's... No, that's... it wasn't shit.

#317

⇓

- That's not what I'm talking about. It wasn't shit. - What was it?

#318

⇓

- I don't care. - Okay, it doesn't matter.

#319

⇓

The point is that it's-it's charming and cute and fun

#320

⇓

how we, how we just sort of met like this over a plunger.

#321

⇓

Don't you think so?

#322

⇓

I'm just gonna go to another hardware store.

#323

⇓

Well, okay. Well, hold on a second. Wait, wait.

#324

⇓

Don't go.

#325

⇓

There we go.

#326

⇓

Pushing away his soul mate, right on structure.

#327

⇓

End act two.

#328

⇓

Hey! It's my roomie. What's going on?

#329

⇓

Hi.

#330

⇓

- I got you some wine. - Oh, no, thank you.

#331

⇓

Well, it helps when you're sad. You seem sad.

#332

⇓

But I-I get it. I-I understand.

#333

⇓

- You do? - Oh, yeah.

#334

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#335

⇓

Yeah, you miss Teddy, and no one can replace him.

#336

⇓

I assume you overheard my husband and I.

#337

⇓

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#338

⇓

But, look, maybe I can fill that void, you know,

#339

⇓

if only for a few hours of, uh, sexual bliss.

#340

⇓

Oh, no. What?

#341

⇓

Sex.

#342

⇓

Bangin'.

#343

⇓

It's good to take the mind off things. You know?

#344

⇓

But wait, l-let me, let me ease your mind about something.

#345

⇓

I'm not the jealous type, like your husband.

#346

⇓

You know, you want to spend time with Teddy also, uh,

#347

⇓

that's fine, you know.

#348

⇓

Dig that guy up, you know, see what he's been up to these days.

#349

⇓

I honestly don't give a shit.

#350

⇓

Yeah.

#351

⇓

You all right?

#352

⇓

- What? - Oh.

#353

⇓

What happened?

#354

⇓

This is so bad.

#355

⇓

Don't talk about him.

#356

⇓

- Okay, that went great. - Huh?

#357

⇓

- Now, next steps... - Whoa.

#358

⇓

How, in your mind, did that go great?

#359

⇓

- I thought the crying was hot. - I did, too.

#360

⇓

But it just, it seems like it's gonna be annoying.

#361

⇓

I find you annoying. This whole thing's annoying.

#362

⇓

- I'm gonna go back to my thing. - No, Dennis, this is working.

#363

⇓

You just have to trust the structure.

#364

⇓

- Uh, nah. - Just trust the structure.

#365

⇓

- Yeah... Come on in, come on in. - Well, yeah, come on in.

#366

⇓

Oh, this... this is the spot.

#367

⇓

- Sorry it's messy. - It's a little messy.

#368

⇓

We had a guest, and he trashed the joint.

#369

⇓

That's right, the-the guest trashed the place.

#370

⇓

No, it is perfect.

#371

⇓

- Uh, so much space. - Mm-hmm.

#372

⇓

- Yeah. - Looks very bohemian.

#373

⇓

And I like that the bathroom down the hall is so close.

#374

⇓

- Yeah, it's right, it's right there. - It's not far, right?

#375

⇓

- I mean, there's no door on it. - Yeah.

#376

⇓

But that's because the guy in 4B went berserk and ripped it off.

#377

⇓

- Oh. - Uh, yeah.

#378

⇓

And if you do have to use the bathroom,

#379

⇓

- what I can do is I can become the door for you. - Yeah.

#380

⇓

- I do that for Frank when he's taking a dump in there. - You stand in front of it.

#381

⇓

No, no, no, it is okay.

#382

⇓

We're very free with our bodies.

#383

⇓

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah?

#384

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Cool. Yeah, us, too. I mean...

#385

⇓

- I only see one bed. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's a one-bedder.

#386

⇓

- Uh... - Oh.

#387

⇓

- We can sleep on the floor... - No, no, no, no, no. - No.

#388

⇓

That's no fun.

#389

⇓

- We should all share. Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

#390

⇓

- Yeah, that's okay with me. Is that okay with you? - No fun to sleep...

#391

⇓

- Yeah, here on the bed. - Ah-ah-ah.

#392

⇓

That is not very free with your body.

#393

⇓

- Uh... what do you mean? - Wh-Wh-What?

#394

⇓

- We all sleep naked. It's more fun. - Mm-hmm.

#395

⇓

Come, we don't bite.

#396

⇓

Yeah, just take it off. Come.

#397

⇓

So you're telling me

#398

⇓

that you got nowhere with Greg?

#399

⇓

That's not true. That's not true at all.

#400

⇓

Got him right where I want him. This is the part

#401

⇓

where I sit back and wait for him to come to his senses.

#402

⇓

Th-That-That's not how it works. Goddamn it.

#403

⇓

This is the part where the trashy skank

#404

⇓

is-is supposed to lure the husband away.

#405

⇓

He bangs that nasty snatch, and then Lisa recognizes

#406

⇓

that he is a dullard and needs to drop him,

#407

⇓

so that Lisa, the true hero of the story,

#408

⇓

can figure out that she needs to be free and find love.

#409

⇓

I'm the true hero of the story.

#410

⇓

You are a diversionary plot twist at best.

#411

⇓

And you couldn't even do that right.

#412

⇓

Ooh, what a night! Wha...!

#413

⇓

- You can't believe what happened. - Whew!

#414

⇓

We got the backpackers we wanted,

#415

⇓

and they're as sexually free as we hoped.

#416

⇓

- Those girls are wild, man. - It was amazing.

#417

⇓

They wanted us to, like-like, touch each other and stuff.

#418

⇓

I'm like, "Dude, that's a hard no for me."

#419

⇓

No, it was a hard no for me, too.

#420

⇓

- Well, but... - I said no.

#421

⇓

- I said no. - You were thinking about it, though.

#422

⇓

- All of a sudden, like, Frank gives me one of those... - No, I wasn't thinking about it.

#423

⇓

- I'm like, "Are you kidding me?" I'm not gonna do that. - No, no, no, I wasn't...

#424

⇓

I can't even understand them half the time.

#425

⇓

- It's like the accents... - I don't know. They were crazy chicks.

#426

⇓

Hey, hoping you're having fun with your

#427

⇓

"meat cube" romance party. That does sound fun.

#428

⇓

I do want some of those meat cubes later.

#429

⇓

Dude, that girl with the, with the long fingernails...

#430

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#431

⇓

Frank and Charlie are off having orgies,

#432

⇓

and I'm sitting here all alone.

#433

⇓

I mean, this is crazy. The whole world's upside down.

#434

⇓

- Up is down, black is white. - Straight is gay.

#435

⇓

That's it!

#436

⇓

- What? - Maybe Teddy cheated with Greg.

#437

⇓

Maybe this whole thing has just been one giant meet-cute

#438

⇓

for me and Greg.

#439

⇓

Hmm.

#440

⇓

You know, it won't play in Middle America, but screw it.

#441

⇓

We'll jam it down their throats till they enjoy it.

#442

⇓

W-We'll force them to like it.

#443

⇓

- So you'll help me? - I will.

#444

⇓

- And I'll help you, too. - Get your hand off me.

#445

⇓

Yeah, get your hands off him. We don't need your help.

#446

⇓

I think we're probably gonna end up cutting you

#447

⇓

out of this almost entirely.

#448

⇓

- Uh, Mac, let's go find you some romance. - Yeah!

#449

⇓

Shall we?

#450

⇓

You know... Okay, but just a heads-up:

#451

⇓

It's not gonna work, all right? Men are not in charge anymore.

#452

⇓

You know? Men-men don't get to just decide

#453

⇓

what women get to do...

#454

⇓

Hey, Frank.

#455

⇓

- Yeah? - Hey.

#456

⇓

Can I admit something to you?

#457

⇓

If you're gonna tell me that was your finger, Charlie,

#458

⇓

I'm gonna be pissed.

#459

⇓

No, that was, that was definitely Minka.

#460

⇓

- She's real aggressive with the fingers. - Oh, my...

#461

⇓

I don't get that move at all.

#462

⇓

But, dude, something, besides this violent Euro ass play,

#463

⇓

it just doesn't feel right, man.

#464

⇓

Plus, dude, these girls are drug addicts.

#465

⇓

I saw them using Alexi's toe spoon to cook heroin.

#466

⇓

- What?! - I don't even think we need to whisper. Like...

#467

⇓

- Oh. - Yeah, they're passed out, man.

#468

⇓

Oh, dude.

#469

⇓

This isn't good. This isn't good.

#470

⇓

- Yeah. - Charlie.

#471

⇓

- Look, it's done for. - It's ruined. I know, yeah.

#472

⇓

- No, it's-it's ruined. - Oh.

#473

⇓

Hey, Frank, can I admit something else to you, man?

#474

⇓

I-I can't stop thinking about Alexi and Nikki.

#475

⇓

Me, too.

#476

⇓

Like, maybe we made a huge mistake, man.

#477

⇓

- We might've. - And I know it's...

#478

⇓

- that it's two hot girls. - Hot chicks.

#479

⇓

A-And you should make the most of that, right? But...

#480

⇓

Because it's good, you know?

#481

⇓

- But some-something just doesn't feel right, man. - Yeah.

#482

⇓

Something doesn't feel right.

#483

⇓

- No, it doesn't feel right. - Something's off.

#484

⇓

I miss those guys. I miss them. I...

#485

⇓

- What's that? What's that? - Oh, that thing?

#486

⇓

Oh, yeah. Uh...

#487

⇓

Uh, there was a package outside the door

#488

⇓

when we came back the-the other night, and...

#489

⇓

- What's it, a gift? - Yeah, I don't know.

#490

⇓

It... I can't read it

#491

⇓

'cause it's, like, in Austrian or something. Uh...

#492

⇓

- No, it's in English. - Yeah. I-Is it English?

#493

⇓

"Thanks for everything.

#494

⇓

Love, Alexi and Nikki."

#495

⇓

- Oh, no shit? - They gave us a present.

#496

⇓

They left a gift for us?

#497

⇓

Meat cube.

#498

⇓

Bus station.

#499

⇓

Pretty Woman.

#500

⇓

Yeah!

#501

⇓

I'm just gonna go out to the car.

#502

⇓

Yeah, okay.

#503

⇓

Nice to meet you. Bye.

#504

⇓

Okay, great. Okay, all right.

#505

⇓

This is your moment, Mac. Now remember,

#506

⇓

just speak from the heart, all right?

#507

⇓

Sweep him off his feet. Go to him.

#508

⇓

- Go to him. Yes. - No, no.

#509

⇓

Hey, uh, uh, Greg?

#510

⇓

- Yes. - Uh, was wondering if we could have a quick chat.

#511

⇓

Oh. Sorry about that, guys. Wrong-wrong track.

#512

⇓

- Yeah. That was the wrong song. - Here we go.

#513

⇓

Oh, here we go.

#514

⇓

That's the one.

#515

⇓

Um...

#516

⇓

I know that what you had with Teddy was special,

#517

⇓

and I know that I could never replace him.

#518

⇓

But that's dead and buried now, man, and you got to move on.

#519

⇓

I-I... And I know that it's crazy.

#520

⇓

I know that it's crazy 'cause we just met, but I feel like

#521

⇓

if-if you just give us a chance,

#522

⇓

we could tell a love story for the ages.

#523

⇓

A gay... gay-ass love story.

#524

⇓

A-And, yeah, maybe it won't play in Middle America,

#525

⇓

and-and maybe it's not even ready for the mainstream,

#526

⇓

but it'll win a ton of awards, and it'll get

#527

⇓

a shit ton of attention for the liberal press.

#528

⇓

I don't, I don't know what you're talking about.

#529

⇓

I... dumped up your toilet, Greg.

#530

⇓

It was me. It was always me.

#531

⇓

But I did it for us, to draw us closer together.

#532

⇓

- Now, I just think if we can... - What?

#533

⇓

Lisa's here.

#534

⇓

- What's going on? - Lisa,

#535

⇓

I'm glad you're here. Thank you. Please come in.

#536

⇓

We have something to tell you.

#537

⇓

- No. - It's time you heard the truth.

#538

⇓

Greg and I are going to be together.

#539

⇓

But know this.

#540

⇓

There was nothing that-that you could've ever done,

#541

⇓

because what Greg needed was Teddy.

#542

⇓

And what he needs now is me.

#543

⇓

So, Greg, let me be your everything,

#544

⇓

just like your old lover Teddy.

#545

⇓

Teddy was our son.

#546

⇓

He died of leukemia.

#547

⇓

- What? - Oh, you know what? I think... Let me, uh...

#548

⇓

No, you got to, you got to...

#549

⇓

Just turn it off. Just off.

#550

⇓

Just-just turn it off.

#551

⇓

Sorry.

#552

⇓

Yeah. I don't have a dead kid's...

#553

⇓

uh, approp-appropriate...

#554

⇓

Um... I guess

#555

⇓

we'll let you get back to the healing.

#556

⇓

Yeah, you guys do your thing.

#557

⇓

Yeah.

#558

⇓

That's not romantic. Or comedic.

#559

⇓

- You think they're gonna give us a bad review? - Yeah.

#560

⇓

I guess we're not gonna get that...

#561

⇓

romantic comedy ending after all.

#562

⇓

- This way, Frank. - Wait. Oh, yeah.

#563

⇓

- Nikki?! - Alexi?!

#564

⇓

- Alexi?! - Where are they?

#565

⇓

- Nikki?! - Yeah. Nikki?! Alexi?!

#566

⇓

No, Nikki, Alexi!

#567

⇓

- Nikki, wait, wait, wait! Wait! - Alexi!

#568

⇓

- Wait, wait, wait. Listen. - Hey!

#569

⇓

- Listen, please-please, please don't go. - Hey.

#570

⇓

We're the perfect match.

#571

⇓

We-we didn't say it before,

#572

⇓

- but w-we understand now. - Yeah.

#573

⇓

We feel the same way,

#574

⇓

but we must return to our country.

#575

⇓

But we will return here exactly one year from today.

#576

⇓

If you feel the same, be here at sunset,

#577

⇓

and we will spend our days together,

#578

⇓

knee-deep in American gash.

#579

⇓

- Wait one year? One year. - Okay. We'll be here.

#580

⇓

- We'll be right here. - We'll be here. We'll be here.

#581

⇓

- Alexi. - Have a good trip.

#582

⇓

- Thank you for everything. - Thank you.

#583

⇓

- Bye-bye. Bye. - Thank you. I...

#584

⇓

I love you!

#585

⇓

Oh, man.

#586

⇓

What do you think, buddy?

#587

⇓

He had me at "gash," Charlie.

#588

⇓

He had me at "gash."

#589

⇓

- Bye! Bye! Bye! - Bye.

#590

⇓

- Bye. - Bye!

#591

⇓

Oh, man.

#592

⇓

I'm gonna miss 'em.

#593

⇓

- Go home? - Yeah.

#594

⇓

Hell of a guys, you know what I'm saying?

#595

⇓

They were, they were great. They were great guys.

#596

⇓

Yeah. I mean, a little weird, you know?

#597

⇓

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

#598

⇓