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Season 5, Episode 5 — One-Shots
We've been friends with him for 20 years, Chris.
#1001
⇓
-Yeah, but I really need this part, man. -Oh, no. Oh, no.
#1002
⇓
-'Sup? -Homelander.
#1003
⇓
Soldier Boy. Wow. [stammers]
#1004
⇓
I'm Will. Remember me? I'm the one who turned in Channing Tatum.
#1005
⇓
Seth Rogen. We actually met once before, uh, with Black Noir
#1006
⇓
at the premiere for Silent Vengeance 3: Vengeance Reloaded.
#1007
⇓
Big fan. I'm actually, uh, testifying in front of Congress for you, you know,
#1008
⇓
outing suspected Starlighters.
#1009
⇓
Spoiler alert: Post Malone.
#1010
⇓
You need to get the fuck away from me right now.
#1011
⇓
-You bet, yeah. -Yeah.
#1012
⇓
[Homelander] We came here looking for something.
#1013
⇓
What do you know about V1?
#1014
⇓
[tense music playing]
#1015
⇓
You've come to the right place.
#1016
⇓
-[keypad beeping] -[lock clicks]
#1017
⇓
[intriguing music playing]
#1018
⇓
Here you go. [clears throat]
#1019
⇓
Oh, yeah, Vought yanked that one from newsstands after Kent State.
#1020
⇓
Good times.
#1021
⇓
-How'd you end up with it? -[Mister Marathon] Some old bitch on eBay.
#1022
⇓
I paid 20 bucks. I mean, it'd go for half a mil at auction easy.
#1023
⇓
[clears throat]
#1024
⇓
Yeah, Dr. Vought was a, was a titan, a visionary.
#1025
⇓
He was a pansy with a German accent and sweaty palms.
#1026
⇓
[Mister Marathon] He was a complicated guy.
#1027
⇓
[somber music playing]
#1028
⇓
-[clears throat] -Do you or do you not have V1?
#1029
⇓
I-I don't.
#1030
⇓
But Bombsight does.
#1031
⇓
He does.
#1032
⇓
-That piece of shit's still alive? -Yeah.
#1033
⇓
Yeah, he was my best customer for a long time.
#1034
⇓
What makes you think he has it?
#1035
⇓
One night, he was tweaked out of his gourd,
#1036
⇓
and he told me he had some,
#1037
⇓
-and I believe him. -Where is he?
#1038
⇓
Me and Bombsight are still cool.
#1039
⇓
Wh-Why don't we all just hang out for a sec, and I-I'll call him.
#1040
⇓
He'll-he'll fly right over.
#1041
⇓
[snorts]
#1042
⇓
[rap music playing quietly]
#1043
⇓
[Mister Marathon snorts, clears throat, sniffs]
#1044
⇓
I scooped this up from Bogotá while you were taking a piss.
#1045
⇓
-Mm. -I mean, for the Soldier Boy,
#1046
⇓
-nothing but the best. -Mm.
#1047
⇓
[clears throat]
#1048
⇓
[Christopher] Seth?
#1049
⇓
Oh. No, I actually hate weed.
#1050
⇓
I just pretend to like it for my brand, so I can sell ashtrays to suckers.
#1051
⇓
Um... [clears throat] Yo, Homelander.
#1052
⇓
[clears throat] Uh, you want to hit this?
#1053
⇓
It is my life goal to smoke you out, homie.
#1054
⇓
[groans]
#1055
⇓
Don't call me that.
#1056
⇓
[Malchemical] Homelander.
#1057
⇓
It's good to see you again.
#1058
⇓
-Do I know you? -Yeah.
#1059
⇓
Uh, we met, like, six times. Malchemical.
#1060
⇓
Make deadly gasses.
#1061
⇓
Did that whole campaign with Gas-X.
#1062
⇓
[sighs] That's embarrassing.
#1063
⇓
[Mister Marathon] Homelander still as weird as he was when I was there?
#1064
⇓
-Well, I wasn't there back then, but yes. -[laughs]
#1065
⇓
So, get this. One time, at Les Deux,
#1066
⇓
Mischa Barton wanted to suck him off, right?
#1067
⇓
He spent two hours talking to her
#1068
⇓
about Nietzsche, then left when she stepped on his cape.
#1069
⇓
Ugh. That fucking cape.
#1070
⇓
-Like a baby with a blanket. -[laughs]
#1071
⇓
Pretty sure he jerks off into it. Probably why it's so stiff. [chuckles]
#1072
⇓
[Homelander] Say that again.
#1073
⇓
[unsettling music playing]
#1074
⇓
Oh, can't you take a fucking joke?
#1075
⇓
Say it again.
#1076
⇓
Thought as much.
#1077
⇓
If Bombsight's not coming, I'm leaving.
#1078
⇓
No, he's on his way, be here any minute. I swear.
#1079
⇓
Nah, I'm done.
#1080
⇓
[sighs]
#1081
⇓
-Oh, shit. -[Homelander] By the way... Hey!
#1082
⇓
I heard you all.
#1083
⇓
And I want you all to know
#1084
⇓
that very soon, gentlemen, you are going to pay
#1085
⇓
for your sick posts and your hateful memes.
#1086
⇓
Especially the memes.
#1087
⇓
What, no, no, no, no.
#1088
⇓
-I-It was Kumail and Seth's idea. -What?!
#1089
⇓
-Fuck you, Forte! That-- -I-I was against it. I was against it.
#1090
⇓
It was, it was fucking his idea, man!
#1091
⇓
He is just sucking your dick so you can help his shitty fucking career.
#1092
⇓
[Will] Take them, okay?
#1093
⇓
Shit, I-I'll take 'em out for you right now.
#1094
⇓
Oh, really, yeah? You want to take me, bitch?
#1095
⇓
-I'm fucking yoked now. -Shut up, Forte. -Really? Okay--
#1096
⇓
-Forte, you're making this worse-- -I'm not!
#1097
⇓
Everybody, stop!
#1098
⇓
We really should round up Michael Cera.
#1099
⇓
[sighs]
#1100
⇓
Homelander.
#1101
⇓
-S-Sorry. Quick question. -What?
#1102
⇓
Oh, for fuck's sakes.
#1103
⇓
[hissing]
#1104
⇓
[gasping]
#1105
⇓
-Ooh! -Who's memorable now?
#1106
⇓
-What the fuck? -Easy. Easy. Easy.
#1107
⇓
-Can we fuck off, please?! -Chill out, MacGruber. Everything's cool.
#1108
⇓
Hey, man, we don't have a problem with you, honest,
#1109
⇓
but-but-but-but fuck this fucking guy.
#1110
⇓
You know, he fucked my life.
#1111
⇓
Look, i-if you help us get rid of him, then we all win, and you,
#1112
⇓
you can have The Seven.
#1113
⇓
And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever.
#1114
⇓
I don't need to kill him to get The Seven.
#1115
⇓
No, yeah, of course not,
#1116
⇓
but what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church?
#1117
⇓
I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool,
#1118
⇓
all the hookers, the drug dealers.
#1119
⇓
They want to ban porn.
#1120
⇓
-I mean, they want to ban fucking abortions. -[Mister Marathon] Yeah.
#1121
⇓
Okay, well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally.
#1122
⇓
[Mister Marathon] Exactly, for all of us.
#1123
⇓
S-So, if we kill him, w-we can stop worrying about being
#1124
⇓
cops or-or-or gods or-or asexual weirdos.
#1125
⇓
You know, we can go back to fucking and-and being fucking awesome.
#1126
⇓
Look, we know you've got that fucked-up chest blast thing.
#1127
⇓
I mean, I was at Herogasm. I saw it.
#1128
⇓
[Mister Marathon] Just finish him now.
#1129
⇓
Take away his powers, so we can curb stomp him
#1130
⇓
while we have the chance.
#1131
⇓
[tense music playing]
#1132
⇓
He is a fucking asexual weirdo.
#1133
⇓
-Yeah. -Yeah.
#1134
⇓
But as much as it pains me to say this,
#1135
⇓
he's my fucking asexual weirdo.
#1136
⇓
-Nobody fucks my son but me. -What?
#1137
⇓
That came out wrong.
#1138
⇓
[grunts]
#1139
⇓
-[screams] -Oh!
#1140
⇓
[intense music playing]
#1141
⇓
-[neck cracks] -[others scream]
#1142
⇓
-Whoa! -Oh, fuck!
#1143
⇓
[screams]
#1144
⇓
[others screaming]
#1145
⇓
Oh! What the fuck?!
#1146
⇓
-[toilet flushes] -Danny Trejo need to stick to acting.
#1147
⇓
Them tacos fucked my shit up.
#1148
⇓
Soldier Boy.
#1149
⇓
[dispatcher over phone] 911. What's your emergency?
#1150
⇓
[hushed] Yeah, please send police right now. We're gonna die.
#1151
⇓
-Okay. What is the address? -I don't know the address.
#1152
⇓
-Do you know the address? -I don't know the address.
#1153
⇓
-Oh, fuck. Fuck. Don't kill-- Please don't kill us. -Shut up. Shut up.
#1154
⇓
I'm not gonna kill you.
#1155
⇓
I'm gonna get you out of here, but you need to do exactly as I say.
#1156
⇓
[suspenseful music playing]
#1157
⇓
Go. Go.
#1158
⇓
[both scream]
#1159
⇓
Fuck!
#1160
⇓
No! No!
#1161
⇓
What'd you do to me, man?
#1162
⇓
-Seth. -[somber music playing]
#1163
⇓
Fuck. Hey, hey.
#1164
⇓
-Hey, hey, hey. -Is-is it bad?
#1165
⇓
Well, uh...
#1166
⇓
I-I didn't mean to.
#1167
⇓
I don't want to die, man.
#1168
⇓
It's gonna be okay.
#1169
⇓
I'll remember you
#1170
⇓
-every time I watch An American Pickle. -What?
#1171
⇓
[neck cracks]
#1172
⇓
[panting]
#1173
⇓
[intriguing music playing]
#1174
⇓
[tense music playing]
#1175
⇓
[screams]
#1176
⇓
Fuck!
#1177
⇓
Does Bombsight really have it?
#1178
⇓
Fuck you! I'm gonna rip your balls off and stuff 'em down your throat.
#1179
⇓
That'd be like trying to shove two grapefruits through a garden hose.
#1180
⇓
[groans]
#1181
⇓
Does Bombsight have the V1?!
#1182
⇓
[screams] Oh, God!
#1183
⇓
Yes, yes! Okay, yes! That part was true.
#1184
⇓
I swear to fucking God, man.
#1185
⇓
-He's got it. -Where is he?
#1186
⇓
-I don't know. -Where the fuck is he?!
#1187
⇓
I don't know. I haven't talked to him in, like, five years, I swear, man.
#1188
⇓
I swear to God. Please.
#1189
⇓
[pained grunting]
#1190
⇓
[unsettling music playing]
#1191
⇓
What happened?
#1192
⇓
I took care of it.
#1193
⇓
Why?
#1194
⇓
Because fuck them.
#1195
⇓
That's why.
#1196
⇓
I don't think this micro-prick was lying.
#1197
⇓
Bombsight has the V1. We just got to find him.
#1198
⇓
Also, um...
#1199
⇓
[smacks lips]
#1200
⇓
I've been fucking Firecracker.
#1201
⇓
But out of respect for you, that's, uh... that's done.
#1202
⇓
Plus, her pillow talk was getting to be a real drag.
#1203
⇓
Pillow talk?
#1204
⇓
[elevator bell chimes]
#1205
⇓
[elevator doors slide closed]
#1206
⇓
[unsettling music playing]
#1207
⇓
Homelander.
#1208
⇓
How was L.A.?
#1209
⇓
Did you catch tonight's Truthbomb?
#1210
⇓
I did indeed.
#1211
⇓
And it was a real barnburner.
#1212
⇓
-Well done. -Thank you, sir.
#1213
⇓
That means the world.
#1214
⇓
How's sex with my father?
#1215
⇓
[unsettling music playing]
#1216
⇓
Is he good at it?
#1217
⇓
Are you thinking about me
#1218
⇓
when you're making love to him?
#1219
⇓
I never meant to cross a line
#1220
⇓
-or offend you in-- -Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
#1221
⇓
Don't fret, little one.
#1222
⇓
I don't care about the sex, really.
#1223
⇓
But I do care about your little chats after sex.
#1224
⇓
Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I--
#1225
⇓
You mean, uh, your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh...
#1226
⇓
[sighs] Jesus?
#1227
⇓
Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me?
#1228
⇓
No, you are my one and only savior.
#1229
⇓
You s-say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird.
#1230
⇓
[sighs]
#1231
⇓
You're supposed to worship me.
#1232
⇓
Love me.
#1233
⇓
And me alone.
#1234
⇓
-I do. -I believed in you.
#1235
⇓
Turns out...
#1236
⇓
...you don't believe in me.
#1237
⇓
I need you to collect your things...
#1238
⇓
...and leave.
#1239
⇓
But I do believe in you.
#1240
⇓
I love you.
#1241
⇓
I am the only one here who ever has!
#1242
⇓
I gave you everything.
#1243
⇓
I gave you my soul.
#1244
⇓
Everybody else here, they're just...
#1245
⇓
they're just scared of you.
#1246
⇓
Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you.
#1247
⇓
Just the strongest, smartest,
#1248
⇓
best man on Earth.
#1249
⇓
[scoffs] Man?
#1250
⇓
No, no, no, no, no. A god. No.
#1251
⇓
No, the God.
#1252
⇓
My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me?
#1253
⇓
I felt like Mother Mary herself.
#1254
⇓
I felt blessed to nourish someone as...
#1255
⇓
-important as you. -[sighs]
#1256
⇓
[sighs]
#1257
⇓
But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it?
#1258
⇓
You cast me out into the cold.
#1259
⇓
Which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place.
#1260
⇓
So all I have been trying to do
#1261
⇓
is to get you to see me the way that you used to.
#1262
⇓
Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was because your reflected light...
#1263
⇓
...is better than no light at all.
#1264
⇓
Please, sir.
#1265
⇓
I love you.
#1266
⇓
We all need love, don't we?
#1267
⇓
Even God.
#1268
⇓
[sighs softly]
#1269
⇓
[sighs]
#1270
⇓
[exhales]
#1271
⇓
[unsettling music playing]
#1272
⇓
[door opens, closes]
#1273
⇓
-[♪ Rosemary Clooney sings "Hooray for Hollywood"] -♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪
#1274
⇓
♪ That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood ♪
#1275
⇓
♪ Where any office boy or young mechanic ♪
#1276
⇓
♪ can be a panic with just a good-looking pan ♪
#1277
⇓
♪ And any barmaid can be a star, mate ♪
#1278
⇓
♪ if she dances with or without a fan ♪
#1279
⇓
♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪
#1280
⇓
♪ Where you're terrific, if you're even good ♪
#1281
⇓
♪ Where anyone at all from Shirley Temple ♪
#1282
⇓
♪ to Aimee Semple ♪
#1283
⇓
♪ is equally understood ♪
#1284
⇓
♪ Go out and try your luck, you might be Donald Duck ♪
#1285
⇓
♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪
#1286
⇓
♪ ♪
#1287
⇓
♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪
#1288
⇓
♪ That phony, super-Coney Hollywood ♪
#1289
⇓
♪ They come from Chillicothes and Paducahs ♪
#1290
⇓
♪ with their bazookas ♪
#1291
⇓
♪ to get their names up in lights ♪
#1292
⇓
♪ All armed with photos from local rotos ♪
#1293
⇓
♪ with their hair in ribbon and legs in tights ♪
#1294
⇓
♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪
#1295
⇓
♪ You may be homely in your neighborhood ♪
#1296
⇓
♪ But if you think that you can be an actor ♪
#1297
⇓
♪ see Mr. Factor ♪
#1298
⇓
♪ He'll make a monkey look good ♪
#1299
⇓
♪ Within a half an hour ♪
#1300
⇓
♪ you'll look like Tyrone Power ♪
#1301
⇓
♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪
#1302
⇓
♪ Hooray for Hollywood ♪♪
#1303
⇓
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