Home » 21 Jump Street (2012) » S01E01 — 21 Jump Street (2012)

21 Jump Street (2012)

Season 1, Episode 1 — 21 Jump Street (2012)

Schmidt. Doug.

#1001

⇓

- What do I do? - Hit him!

#1002

⇓

Shit! That hurt worse than when he hit me!

#1003

⇓

Fight normal.

#1004

⇓

Yo, I'm serious.

#1005

⇓

Sorry.

#1006

⇓

- I'll f***ing kill you! - I'm sorry! I'm very sorry!

#1007

⇓

Seriously, use your words, use your words!

#1008

⇓

I kicked him in the nuts.

#1009

⇓

Fight's over, dude! Fight's over! Fight's over!

#1010

⇓

No, watch my mom's shit, man!

#1011

⇓

- I'm gonna f***ing kill you! - You'll knock over my mom's vase!

#1012

⇓

- Fuck your mom's vase! - Fuck this!

#1013

⇓

Oh, shit!

#1014

⇓

Yeah!

#1015

⇓

That's my brother!

#1016

⇓

- That was insane! - You're so cool!

#1017

⇓

Did you see that shit? That was crazy.

#1018

⇓

Oh, shit,

#1019

⇓

when did I get stabbed?

#1020

⇓

That's awesome.

#1021

⇓

Yeah!

#1022

⇓

Is that a cop?

#1023

⇓

Where?

#1024

⇓

No, it's not. Here.

#1025

⇓

I'm so glad we're going back to get my phone.

#1026

⇓

I just hope we don't wake up Schmidty.

#1027

⇓

Oh, my God, he's a policeman now.

#1028

⇓

It's like we're living with a narc.

#1029

⇓

The boy is an angel.

#1030

⇓

Pull it out!

#1031

⇓

Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!

#1032

⇓

Sorry!

#1033

⇓

Okay, let's take some shots.

#1034

⇓

Shots, shots!

#1035

⇓

That's like us f***ing Mother Earth without a condom.

#1036

⇓

What the f*** is going on?

#1037

⇓

Annie, hang on.

#1038

⇓

Are you f***ing kidding me?

#1039

⇓

Get out of my house. I said get out! The party's over!

#1040

⇓

I'm sorry, Mom, I'm sorry!

#1041

⇓

The mom is coming!

#1042

⇓

- Listen to me! - Chill out! Chill out!

#1043

⇓

- Let go of me! - You're embarrassing me

#1044

⇓

- in front of my friends! - Get back here, you shit!

#1045

⇓

Dude, that was so crazy, man.

#1046

⇓

I swear, best party I've been to in years.

#1047

⇓

Dude, I'm doing crazy stuff like that,

#1048

⇓

- like, all the time, man. - I bet you are.

#1049

⇓

Dude, I'm so amped right now, God!

#1050

⇓

You, dude, I like you, man.

#1051

⇓

How do you feel about making a little extra money?

#1052

⇓

Whatever it is, I'm in.

#1053

⇓

All right, here's the deal.

#1054

⇓

Okay, I can't sell all this shit on my own, but I only bring in people I like.

#1055

⇓

Okay, you do good, maybe we bring you in on what we're doing,

#1056

⇓

I introduce you to my hookup. How's that sound?

#1057

⇓

- Cool with me. - My man.

#1058

⇓

That is my man...

#1059

⇓

That was nuts. I lost you guys.

#1060

⇓

Hey, thank you again for the party, man.

#1061

⇓

Yo, yo.

#1062

⇓

Come on!

#1063

⇓

"I love dick"?

#1064

⇓

You think that's funny?

#1065

⇓

"Wonder Years douche"?

#1066

⇓

What kind of a sick animal draws

#1067

⇓

an ejaculating penis into an 8-year-old's mouth?

#1068

⇓

It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.

#1069

⇓

You think I don't know that's a dick and balls?

#1070

⇓

I know all about dick and balls!

#1071

⇓

I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober,

#1072

⇓

when he was really f***ed up and a lot of fun!

#1073

⇓

You know what? From now on, you're gonna do some chores.

#1074

⇓

You're gonna wash the laundry, you're gonna fold it,

#1075

⇓

you're gonna do the dishes, you're gonna mow the lawn...

#1076

⇓

Dude, I have a surprise for you.

#1077

⇓

Last night at the party, I took Eric's phone

#1078

⇓

and I had Zack put this monitoring device in it,

#1079

⇓

so we're gonna get to hear every single thing that little prick is up to.

#1080

⇓

Dude, I don't know if that was a good idea.

#1081

⇓

What?

#1082

⇓

- What if you had gotten found out? - But it worked.

#1083

⇓

This is, like, the smartest move I've ever pulled,

#1084

⇓

so, I'm sorry, what are you getting mad at me for?

#1085

⇓

I'm not getting mad at you. I'm glad you have something to do.

#1086

⇓

Good.

#1087

⇓

What's up?

#1088

⇓

Great job, Schmidt.

#1089

⇓

- Password! - Kneel before Zod!

#1090

⇓

You may enter.

#1091

⇓

Thank you, Zod.

#1092

⇓

Let's tap that wire, huh?

#1093

⇓

We were just about to go outside with a bunch of chemicals.

#1094

⇓

We were going to test what blows up.

#1095

⇓

There's no reason the wiretap is super urgent, right?

#1096

⇓

Not that I can think of that would make sense.

#1097

⇓

Go for it, go for it.

#1098

⇓

- Look out. - Go, go, go!

#1099

⇓

Yes!

#1100

⇓

Yes, that's what I'm talking about!

#1101

⇓

That's what I'm talking about!

#1102

⇓

I love this science shit!

#1103

⇓

This is what you guys do all day? Let's do it again.

#1104

⇓

Are you texting Molly?

#1105

⇓

What?

#1106

⇓

I don't... Molly...

#1107

⇓

Maybe. Is that...

#1108

⇓

Whoa, it's cool, man, come on.

#1109

⇓

I'm not some, like, '50s letterman who pins a girl.

#1110

⇓

I mean, yeah, we blow each other sometimes, but it's not a thing.

#1111

⇓

I just, like... I don't know, I don't believe in possessions, ja feel?

#1112

⇓

Ja feel, ja definitely feel.

#1113

⇓

- Yeah. - Schmidty?

#1114

⇓

Schmidty.

#1115

⇓

Phyllis.

#1116

⇓

- I'll be right back, dude. - Okay.

#1117

⇓

Hey. How are you?

#1118

⇓

- How is my favorite police officer? - Okay.

#1119

⇓

Your mother told me that you are undercover.

#1120

⇓

Listen, now is not a really good time.

#1121

⇓

Are you undercover right now?

#1122

⇓

Yes, it means I'm undercover right now.

#1123

⇓

Are those the bad guys over there?

#1124

⇓

Do they have guns? Oh, my God. Oh, God, this is so exciting.

#1125

⇓

I have got to call Annie. She is gonna die.

#1126

⇓

I heard that that Jenko boy is your partner.

#1127

⇓

- Where is my phone? - Okay, okay.

#1128

⇓

Shut your f***ing mouth.

#1129

⇓

Shut your f***ing mouth, you understand me?

#1130

⇓

Let's go check this out.

#1131

⇓

I will straight-up punch you in the face if you do not shut up.

#1132

⇓

- There is no... - A straight-up face punch.

#1133

⇓

I swear to God, you're gonna get me killed.

#1134

⇓

- Hey, yo. - That is...

#1135

⇓

Shit! She just tried to grab my dick, dude!

#1136

⇓

- What? You tried to grab his... - She tried to grab my junk.

#1137

⇓

She was like, "Oh, my God, I have arthritis,

#1138

⇓

"it hurts my hand, I need to grab a handful of that dick."

#1139

⇓

I was like, "Get the f*** off me!"

#1140

⇓

She said, "I need to grab a handful of that dick"?

#1141

⇓

And it felt good, but then it felt weird for a second,

#1142

⇓

so I pushed her. We got to get out of here.

#1143

⇓

All right, cool, let's get the...

#1144

⇓

So your parents are just cool with having people over whenever?

#1145

⇓

Yeah, you know, they're out most nights.

#1146

⇓

Pretty laissez-faire about the whole thing.

#1147

⇓

You're so lucky your parents don't give a shit about you.

#1148

⇓

Right?

#1149

⇓

- This place is awesome. - Yeah.

#1150

⇓

Hey.

#1151

⇓

Hey, what's up?

#1152

⇓

How's it going?

#1153

⇓

Wow, that's a bigger hug than I was expecting.

#1154

⇓

Sorry. I'm happy to see you.

#1155

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, me, too.

#1156

⇓

- Hey. - Hey.

#1157

⇓

Good?

#1158

⇓

- All right, come on. - Yeah, let's...

#1159

⇓

I brought tacos, so that's cool.

#1160

⇓

Try to turn it, try to turn it, spoiler alert

#1161

⇓

Spoiler alert, spoiler alert!

#1162

⇓

Hey, boys, this eco-pussy is going down today.

#1163

⇓

Take down eco-pussy

#1164

⇓

Take down eco-pussy!

#1165

⇓

Mother Earth, Mother Earth is dying

#1166

⇓

And when it rains

#1167

⇓

It means that beautiful bitch is crying

#1168

⇓

- It's really not a planet. - It's for sure a planet.

#1169

⇓

Pluto is a planet.

#1170

⇓

- It's ready! - It used to be a planet.

#1171

⇓

- It's ready. - Not anymore.

#1172

⇓

Reduce, reuse

#1173

⇓

Recycle

#1174

⇓

I'm embarrassed.

#1175

⇓

- I always feel exposed after playing. - Do not feel exposed.

#1176

⇓

I got to use the bathroom.

#1177

⇓

- Is it in there? - Yeah, yeah, right up there, dude.

#1178

⇓

All right, all right, all right, all right. God damn that.

#1179

⇓

The mic is live and we can hear how the other half lives.

#1180

⇓

What are you doing?

#1181

⇓

I heard something.

#1182

⇓

Hey, can I ask you something? Sit down.

#1183

⇓

Okay.

#1184

⇓

I just want to make sure that you and Eric are going to be careful

#1185

⇓

with whatever it is that you're getting involved in.

#1186

⇓

Yeah, I promise we will.

#1187

⇓

It would just suck if something bad happened because

#1188

⇓

you're a good guy.

#1189

⇓

Yeah, no, I feel the same way about you,

#1190

⇓

except girl version.

#1191

⇓

You're a girl.

#1192

⇓

- I am. - Yeah.

#1193

⇓

That's why I put this dress on,

#1194

⇓

- to remind you. - Exactly.

#1195

⇓

- Are you excited about the play? - Yes.

#1196

⇓

Yeah, you were just

#1197

⇓

- right in there with excitement. - Yes.

#1198

⇓

- No hesitash. - I'm very excited.

#1199

⇓

Yeah.

#1200

⇓

Does that make me a super nerd?

#1201

⇓

No, not at all.

#1202

⇓

We get to act together.

#1203

⇓

What a vagina. He has no chance with her.

#1204

⇓

So...

#1205

⇓

- Shit. - Sorry.

#1206

⇓

You're on the prom committee.

#1207

⇓

Do you think it's going to be fun?

#1208

⇓

Did she just bring up prom on her own?

#1209

⇓

- She did, she just brought up prom. - What is she doing?

#1210

⇓

I think it's going to be awesome.

#1211

⇓

- Prom eats a dong. - Multiple dongs.

#1212

⇓

All right, anyone who says

#1213

⇓

they don't care about prom actually secretly does.

#1214

⇓

Who we gonna take to the prom? No one's going to prom with us.

#1215

⇓

Come on, picture it. You pull up in a white stallion of a limo.

#1216

⇓

You got fine-ass honeys with you.

#1217

⇓

You're dressed to the nines with your best buds.

#1218

⇓

Doves fly out behind you, slow motion.

#1219

⇓

Doves. Why doves?

#1220

⇓

'Cause doves make you look like a badass, that's why.

#1221

⇓

I am pretty skeptical,

#1222

⇓

but maybe, if someone fun asked me, I would go.

#1223

⇓

Aren't... Isn't... Aren't you and Eric...

#1224

⇓

Wouldn't you and Eric go together?

#1225

⇓

Not that I know of.

#1226

⇓

Would you...

#1227

⇓

He's going to choke.

#1228

⇓

He always chokes. He's going to choke, wait for it.

#1229

⇓

So would...

#1230

⇓

So would...

#1231

⇓

Would you...

#1232

⇓

Maybe...

#1233

⇓

- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - Yeah.

#1234

⇓

That is the actual sound of choking.

#1235

⇓

I was wondering if you...

#1236

⇓

Would you

#1237

⇓

maybe want to go

#1238

⇓

with me to prom?

#1239

⇓

Would you want to go to me... Maybe with me to prom?

#1240

⇓

Yes.

#1241

⇓

I would love to go to prom with you.

#1242

⇓

What? She just said yes!

#1243

⇓

- Whoa. - Wow.

#1244

⇓

Good for you, Doug.

#1245

⇓

Thank you for asking.

#1246

⇓

Put her there, man.

#1247

⇓

Just put... Put it right there.

#1248

⇓

I'm putting it right there.

#1249

⇓

Yeah. There you guys are.

#1250

⇓

What's up, my man?

#1251

⇓

- Hi. - How you doing?

#1252

⇓

- Whazzup? - Yeah.

#1253

⇓

Doug... Okay, settle an argument.

#1254

⇓

You and your brother aren't related, right?

#1255

⇓

'Cause you look totally different.

#1256

⇓

He's adopted.

#1257

⇓

We all suspect from a very lame family.

#1258

⇓

Where is he tonight?

#1259

⇓

Probably at home with those lame tools he hangs out with. I don't know.

#1260

⇓

You know how Tom Cruise is always pissed off at Rain Man?

#1261

⇓

That's like my life, except Brad is really shitty at math.

#1262

⇓

Your brother's kind of a dick.

#1263

⇓

Well, yeah,

#1264

⇓

he kind of is, isn't he?

#1265

⇓

Don't listen to that.

#1266

⇓

I don't give a f***.

#1267

⇓

Dude, Eric is the funniest IM-er.

#1268

⇓

Oh, f***.

#1269

⇓

Hey, guys. It's so funny seeing you here.

#1270

⇓

How are you? Guess what, I don't care.

#1271

⇓

We just closed our third high school operation.

#1272

⇓

And check what we found at Kennedy.

#1273

⇓

Looks like we're going to have to do your job for you.

#1274

⇓

Your drugs is spreading to different schools now, sucker.

#1275

⇓

You failed to stop the outbreak, and you have no leads!

#1276

⇓

We are running out of time!

#1277

⇓

You either find the supplier,

#1278

⇓

or I'm gonna jump your asses off Jump Street!

#1279

⇓

I totally understand where you're coming from, sir,

#1280

⇓

but, look, I heard Eric talking on the phone yesterday

#1281

⇓

with somebody that sounded very suspect

#1282

⇓

about meeting up with a stuffed piñata.

#1283

⇓

Is that a code for sex?

#1284

⇓

- Piñata? Really? - Yep.

#1285

⇓

Remember that wiretap I put on Eric's phone?

#1286

⇓

While you were having the time of your life last night, I was listening.

#1287

⇓

I overheard a phone call between Eric and some dude about a piñata.

#1288

⇓

That's all you heard?

#1289

⇓

Yep.

#1290

⇓

I am so nervous.

#1291

⇓

We are about to premiere in front of the whole school.

#1292

⇓

I apologize in advance if I throw up on you onstage.

#1293

⇓

Serious question, though.

#1294

⇓

How do I look?

#1295

⇓

Ravishing.

#1296

⇓

Is it too sexy of an outfit?

#1297

⇓

Bend the knee a little bit.

#1298

⇓

Yep, it is.

#1299

⇓

It's going to be so much easier having you onstage with me.

#1300

⇓

I am so happy that I met you.

#1301

⇓

You're, like, the only guy that I can really trust.

#1302

⇓

Yep. That's me.

#1303

⇓

Doug.

#1304

⇓

Potassium nitrate.

#1305

⇓

Don't hate. It's great.

#1306

⇓

It can act as an oxidizer.

#1307

⇓

I didn't know that, but now I'm wiser.

#1308

⇓

It has a crystalline structure.

#1309

⇓

If you can't respect that, you're a butt muncher.

#1310

⇓

It's a key ingredient in gunpowder.

#1311

⇓

K-NO-three, don't give no grief.

#1312

⇓

It can be used to make corned beef.

#1313

⇓

It's also known as saltpeter.

#1314

⇓

- Brad? - Shit.

#1315

⇓

Where are you going?

#1316

⇓

I don't want to look like it's like I'm wearing makeup.

#1317

⇓

- Right. - Doug! Hi.

#1318

⇓

Brad!

#1319

⇓

Whoa. What are you wearing?

#1320

⇓

Potassium nitrate. Thanks for noticing.

#1321

⇓

I need to borrow you.

#1322

⇓

Now's not a good time, Brad.

#1323

⇓

It's a really good time.

#1324

⇓

'Cause my piñata is killing me.

#1325

⇓

Is that code for a sex thing?

#1326

⇓

It's leaving the parking lot.

#1327

⇓

Piñata?

#1328

⇓

Molly,

#1329

⇓

I will be right back. I need to help Brad with something,

#1330

⇓

okay? I just need to help Brad with something real quick.

#1331

⇓

- What? No. What? - I promise you...

#1332

⇓

Do you understand how soon the show is starting?

#1333

⇓

I swear to you I will be back in time for curtain.

#1334

⇓

- I swear. I swear to you. - Tell me you understand how soon...

#1335

⇓

What? Are you kidding me?

#1336

⇓

What did I say? What did I say?

#1337

⇓

See? Whose wiretap is working for him now, huh?

#1338

⇓

Shit.

#1339

⇓

Fuck!

#1340

⇓

You told me not to worry about the tickets!

#1341

⇓

I thought they made us look cool.

#1342

⇓

- Cones, cones... - Driver's ed car.

#1343

⇓

- I'm driving. - No, you're not.

#1344

⇓

- I never drive. I'm driving this time. - Fine! Drive!

#1345

⇓

- Hey, guys. - Just borrowing this for one sec.

#1346

⇓

- Sure. - Go. Go, go, go, go.

#1347

⇓

Guys, hey, wait. Guys, you're not on the list.

#1348

⇓

Hey, guys, wait! Who cares?

#1349

⇓

- Holy f***ing shit. - No f***ing way.

#1350

⇓

Those are the guys from the park.

#1351

⇓

That's just too crazy.

#1352

⇓

What do you think's in that thing?

#1353

⇓

I don't know, money, drugs.

#1354

⇓

They could be a new buyer, or they could be the supplier.

#1355

⇓

If it's good, you'll hear from me.

#1356

⇓

If it's not good, you'll hear from me about telling you how it's not good.

#1357

⇓

Makes sense.

#1358

⇓

- Get the f*** out of here. - Yeah, no worries, man.

#1359

⇓

I'll see you guys.

#1360

⇓

We definitely got to follow them and find out, though.

#1361

⇓

- Get down! Get down! - Get down! Get down!

#1362

⇓

- What are you doing? - If they see us,

#1363

⇓

just pretend like you're sucking my dick.

#1364

⇓

- What? No! - Yes. Stop.

#1365

⇓

You pretend like you're sucking my dick.

#1366

⇓

No, just pretend like you're sucking my dick.

#1367

⇓

Why am I automatically blowing you?

#1368

⇓

'Cause you're in a f***ing Peter Pan costume!

#1369

⇓

Okay.

#1370

⇓

Okay, let's go. Let's go, let's go.

#1371

⇓

- Go, go, go. - Okay, fine, we'll follow them.

#1372

⇓

But we need to be back in 30 minutes for curtain.

#1373

⇓

Dude, did you just hit the teacher brake?

#1374

⇓

Yeah, you're following too close, dude.

#1375

⇓

- They're going to make us. - Well, if I go too far back,

#1376

⇓

it's going to look even more suspicious, so just stop.

#1377

⇓

God, just let me do my thing.

#1378

⇓

I know what I'm doing.

#1379

⇓

Seriously, if you do that again, I'm going to Whac-A-Mole you in the balls.

#1380

⇓

Just stay back.

#1381

⇓

- I could not be more serious. - Take your foot off the brake.

#1382

⇓

- No. I'm not... No. - Take your foot off the brake!

#1383

⇓

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

#1384

⇓

- Look what you did! - Look what you did!

#1385

⇓

What the f***? You non-driving motherf***ers!

#1386

⇓

Get the f*** out of the car!

#1387

⇓

- Oh, f***. - Lock the door! Lock the door!

#1388

⇓

What do I do? Go away!

#1389

⇓

What are you, a f***ing Keebler Elf?

#1390

⇓

Get him out of that car!

#1391

⇓

- No, no! - It's f***ing ZZ Top!

#1392

⇓

- No, no! No, no, no! - It's f***ing ZZ Top!

#1393

⇓

Like an angry walrus!

#1394

⇓

- I stomp the car now! - Oh, my God!

#1395

⇓

- Stomp! Stomp! - Oh, shit.

#1396

⇓

- Okay. Okay. - Oh, my God! Stop, dude! Go!

#1397

⇓

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

#1398

⇓

- Just let me drive! - Stop hitting me!

#1399

⇓

Dude, watch out!

#1400

⇓

Will you stop front-seat driving? Get your hands off the wheel!

#1401

⇓

Man, you just hit two people back there!

#1402

⇓

- You stop. I'm not... - Take your hands off. Shit!

#1403

⇓

- We're stuck in traffic! - Oh, shit.

#1404

⇓

- Shit, they're coming! They're coming! - What?

#1405

⇓

Oh, my God, dude.

#1406

⇓

What do we do?

#1407

⇓

What the... What the...

#1408

⇓

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

#1409

⇓

Oh, shit.

#1410

⇓

- Oh, shit. - What's wrong with you? Run!

#1411

⇓

I can't! I'm wearing tights!

#1412

⇓

I got skinny jeans on! It's the same f***ing thing!

#1413

⇓

They're going to make us, or kill us.

#1414

⇓

- Porsche! Porsche! - Police! Get out of the car, douche!

#1415

⇓

I'm on a call here, jackass.

#1416

⇓

That's right. Go to sleep, bitch. You just got head-butted, motherf***er!

#1417

⇓

- Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Shit.

#1418

⇓

Check around for a gun or something, all right?

#1419

⇓

Where? Where? There's no glove compartment

#1420

⇓

in this shitty-ass car! There's golf balls and this.

#1421

⇓

- What am I supposed to do with this? - I don't know, man!

#1422

⇓

I've never been in a freeway chase before!

#1423

⇓

Watch out! It's going to explode! It's going to go!

#1424

⇓

- What happened? - I don't know.

#1425

⇓

- It just didn't explode. - That's weird.

#1426

⇓

Can anybody tell me where my Peter is?

#1427

⇓

French! You're not my first choice, but I need you to go on as Peter.

#1428

⇓

Oh, gosh. And I've been in character for months now.

#1429

⇓

Great. Nobody cares.

#1430

⇓

Come on! Another traffic jam?

#1431

⇓

I'm sorry I didn't check the traffic report

#1432

⇓

- before we got in a car chase! - Let's go! Come on!

#1433

⇓

- Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go! - Shit!

#1434

⇓

- Are you texting? - No, I'm not texting!

#1435

⇓

- Yes, you are! You're texting! - No, I'm not!

#1436

⇓

Okay, almost done.

#1437

⇓

"LOL."

#1438

⇓

I'm driving!

#1439

⇓

Why do you always jump over the car like that?

#1440

⇓

Hi. Hi. How are you?

#1441

⇓

- Hi. - God damn, you are beautiful.

#1442

⇓

- Oh. Hi. - You are fine as shit.

#1443

⇓

Don't worry. Someone will pick you up.

#1444

⇓

- Wow. - Hurry. Just drive.

#1445

⇓

Wait. Pick me up?

#1446

⇓

- They're coming! They're coming! - I got an idea.

#1447

⇓

Why don't you text them and ask them to stop chasing us?

#1448

⇓

Oh, shit!

#1449

⇓

He's got a gun!

#1450

⇓

I'm going to throw this thing at him!

#1451

⇓

Okay, you don't have to narrate everything!

#1452

⇓

- Just throw it! - Okay! Okay, okay!

#1453

⇓

- It's going to explode! - Oh, my God! Roll up the windows!

#1454

⇓

- What the f*** is that going to do? - Roll it up!

#1455

⇓

- I don't f***ing care! Just do it! - Oh, God!

#1456

⇓

I really thought that one was going to explode.

#1457

⇓

Oh, shit!

#1458

⇓

Look in the glove compartment for a gun.

#1459

⇓

What are you talking about? We're in a pink Bug!

#1460

⇓

I don't care. Look in the goddamn glove compartment!

#1461

⇓

What the hell?

#1462

⇓

- Shoot. - Oh, my God. Okay! Okay!

#1463

⇓

Shoot the gun! Shoot the gun!

#1464

⇓

Can't get a good shot, man! I can't get a good shot!

#1465

⇓

- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. - Take the shot!

#1466

⇓

Take the shot! Just shoot him! Let's go!

#1467

⇓

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

#1468

⇓

- Shoot! Shoot! - Shit, shit...

#1469

⇓

That's what exploded? Holy shit. That was crazy.

#1470

⇓

Why did you shoot for me?

#1471

⇓

You weren't shooting, you were choking,

#1472

⇓

- so I had to save us. - I was going to shoot.

#1473

⇓

- You always do this, every single time. - What?

#1474

⇓

Seriously, just take me back to school, man.

#1475

⇓

If I miss this, Molly's going to freak and she's not going to go to prom with me.

#1476

⇓

- Are you f***ing serious right now? - f***, yes, I'm serious!

#1477

⇓

Can't believe you made me late. You're so selfish.

#1478

⇓

- I'm selfish? - Yes, you're selfish!

#1479

⇓

Are you f***ing kidding me?

#1480

⇓

Look at yourself!

#1481

⇓

You're in too deep, man.

#1482

⇓

Yesterday, I found a college application on your desk!

#1483

⇓

I don't know how long this case is going to last.

#1484

⇓

And Eric's going to get into Berkeley, and, honestly, I can get in, too.

#1485

⇓

Who knows? I could ride this thing out. I could be a doctor or something.

#1486

⇓

Have you lost your f***ing mind?

#1487

⇓

You screwed this investigation all up.

#1488

⇓

At least I know my Miranda rights, you idiot.

#1489

⇓

You are a very silly man indeed.

#1490

⇓

Boys, squaws, come quickly.

#1491

⇓

Hey! Sorry! It's okay. I'm here.

#1492

⇓

I know I missed the first few scenes.

#1493

⇓

I want to thank... Give it up to French Samuels

#1494

⇓

- for ably backing me up. - Fuck you, Doug! What?

#1495

⇓

I say we just roll right into this thing, huh?

#1496

⇓

This is my twin. We're together in...

#1497

⇓

Get the f*** out of here.

#1498

⇓

What are you doing? Have you completely lost your mind?

#1499

⇓

What is this?

#1500

⇓

I don't know, but it's already more exciting.

#1501

⇓

You're embarrassing me.

#1502

⇓

It's okay. I'll make it up to you.

#1503

⇓

And... Let's fly!

#1504

⇓

- Such bullshit! - Get off of me!

#1505

⇓

I'm not dumb! I'm smart!

#1506

⇓

You think I'm stupid? You're stupid!

#1507

⇓

- Go, Doug! - I guess I should do something.

#1508

⇓

I should probably not just stand here watching.

#1509

⇓

I should take action.

#1510

⇓

Worst best friend ever!

#1511

⇓

Molly, I'm sorry!

#1512

⇓

I don't want to talk to you ever again.

#1513

⇓

I'm sorry.

#1514

⇓

You stupid idiot!

#1515

⇓

- Come here! - Come on!

#1516

⇓

Make fun of me behind my back and everybody laughs at me?

#1517

⇓

I was a loser for four years! You couldn't handle it for five minutes!

#1518

⇓

Have some fairy dust, motherf***er!

#1519

⇓

Hey, guys, no!

#1520

⇓

I heard you call me Rain Man, you asshole!

#1521

⇓

Principal Dadier sucks dick!

#1522

⇓

You're supposed to be my friend!

#1523

⇓

Stop! Stop it. You're expelled. Both of you are expelled.

#1524

⇓

And that's the end of Act Two.

#1525

⇓

Is that it? You're not going to scream at us?

#1526

⇓

Nope.

#1527

⇓

I'm gonna just fire you.

#1528

⇓

Moving out?

#1529

⇓

Yep.

#1530

⇓

You know what's crazy to me

#1531

⇓

is that I think that I actually thought that we were brothers.

#1532

⇓

I would've tooken a bullet for you.

#1533

⇓

Get in now. Both of you.

#1534

⇓

Why should I?

#1535

⇓

Just get in the car, man.

#1536

⇓

Get in the f***ing car.

#1537

⇓

Nope, not until you ask nicely.

#1538

⇓

Please get in the car.

#1539

⇓

Come on, you guys. Come on. Please. Jesus.

#1540

⇓

Some messed up shit went down yesterday.

#1541

⇓

Yeah, after we made the exchange,

#1542

⇓

our potential business partners got followed by some f***ing cops.

#1543

⇓

That's insane, man.

#1544

⇓

Are you serious?

#1545

⇓

Okay, it's just I don't want to go to jail!

#1546

⇓

You know what happens to a handsome guy like me in jail?

#1547

⇓

It rhymes with "grape"!

#1548

⇓

It rhymes with "grape."

#1549

⇓

I can't let that happen.

#1550

⇓

So I got these from my dad's gun cabinet.

#1551

⇓

- Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric. - Whoa. Come on. Whoa.

#1552

⇓

Springfield .45s, police issue. Very powerful guns.

#1553

⇓

You ever use one?

#1554

⇓

- We're not really gun people, man. No. - No?

#1555

⇓

A lot of things have made me wonder about you.

#1556

⇓

Come on.

#1557

⇓

Your taste in music.

#1558

⇓

The fact that you look like a f***ing 40-year-old man.

#1559

⇓

Then after that shit at the play, I realized

#1560

⇓

there's no way you guys could be cops.

#1561

⇓

Yeah, I got this deal going down. The supplier's going to be there.

#1562

⇓

I need people I can trust.

#1563

⇓

All right. All right, come on.

#1564

⇓

Okay, right over here, we're going to shoot these bottles.

#1565

⇓

- We're going to practice, okay? - Okay.

#1566

⇓

That was... That was actually really f***in' awesome.

#1567

⇓

Beginner's luck.

#1568

⇓

All right.

#1569

⇓

The supplier wants the deal to go down at prom.

#1570

⇓

All right, there's going to be all these heavies there,

#1571

⇓

but as long as you guys have my back...

#1572

⇓

Yeah? Yeah? Shit.

#1573

⇓

I always got your back.

#1574

⇓

Time to get our jobs back.

#1575

⇓

Let's get ready for prom.

#1576

⇓

Schmidty! Chore time!

#1577

⇓

Mom, we don't have time for chores right now!

#1578

⇓

If you stay in this house, you have time for chores!

#1579

⇓

Mom!

#1580

⇓

Fuck this thing.

#1581

⇓

Here.

#1582

⇓

It'll be quicker if I help.

#1583

⇓

There you go.

#1584

⇓

Thanks.

#1585

⇓

Your shotgun's hanging too low.

#1586

⇓

They're gonna see it.

#1587

⇓

Thanks.

#1588

⇓

Jenko...

#1589

⇓

Will you go to prom with me?

#1590

⇓

I guess.

#1591

⇓

Are we really going to take down a whole drug operation by ourselves?

#1592

⇓

I got some contacts that'll help us.

#1593

⇓

Brad, what are you doing here? You can't be here.

#1594

⇓

What if the principal sees you?

#1595

⇓

- This is wrong, yet so right. - What?

#1596

⇓

I am so happy you're willing to get in trouble for me.

#1597

⇓

You have to go. Please, don't leave me ever.

#1598

⇓

Ms. Griggs, stop. Stop.

#1599

⇓

- Stay! Stay. - Stop.

#1600

⇓

- What? - Stay.

#1601

⇓

- Go! - Okay.

#1602

⇓

- Stay. - Stop. Stop.

#1603

⇓

- I'm lost without you. - What?

#1604

⇓

Get out of me. I'm going to throw up.

#1605

⇓

You are so hot!

#1606

⇓

All right.

#1607

⇓

Hey, pumpkin head.

#1608

⇓

I'm very mad at you. Dance with me.

#1609

⇓

- Are you on that shit? - So what if I am?

#1610

⇓

Look, Molly, some serious stuff is about to go down,

#1611

⇓

and I don't want you to get hurt.

#1612

⇓

I've already been hurt, Doug. I don't care.

#1613

⇓

You need to leave. You need to leave. You need to get out of here right now.

#1614

⇓

Making a lot of hand gestures!

#1615

⇓

Okay, my name's not Doug.

#1616

⇓

- It's Schmidt. - What?

#1617

⇓

- And I'm a cop. - What?

#1618

⇓

Okay, and I care about you, and I don't want you to get busted,

#1619

⇓

so you have to leave right now.

#1620

⇓

Leave the prom right now, Molly.

#1621

⇓

- I'm serious. - Hey. Hey.

#1622

⇓

Penthouse now. Supplier's waiting.

#1623

⇓

- What are you? - Come on. Hey, come on.

#1624

⇓

- Supplier's waiting. - Is that Eric?

#1625

⇓

- Molly, leave right now. - What are you...

#1626

⇓

- Just leave right now! - What is this?

#1627

⇓

Mr. Walters?

#1628

⇓

Hey!

#1629

⇓

Beautiful Brad, and his brother.

#1630

⇓

Wow. You look great.

#1631

⇓

You're the supplier? You're a teacher.

#1632

⇓

And I was stuck on a teacher's salary, bro.

#1633

⇓

Could barely pay my alimony. What are you gonna do?

#1634

⇓

Oh, yeah.

#1635

⇓

You boys are so good at this.

#1636

⇓

Oh, yeah, Cinnamon!

#1637

⇓

Oh, my God, we're getting such good evidence.

#1638

⇓

I stole some of that Bunsen burner crap

#1639

⇓

from the chem lab, threw in some of my Cool Deets,

#1640

⇓

and it was muy delicioso!

#1641

⇓

Then one day I catch Eco Butt-munch over here

#1642

⇓

smoking a J.J. behind the field house,

#1643

⇓

and I'm like, "Hey, you want to make some coin?"

#1644

⇓

What a green penis that guy is, huh?

#1645

⇓

There's my quesadilla.

#1646

⇓

I hurt my hands!

#1647

⇓

Bitch.

#1648

⇓

Oh, shit.

#1649

⇓

You guys look crazy scary.

#1650

⇓

How many of you are there?

#1651

⇓

A lot.

#1652

⇓

Karl.

#1653

⇓

Patch looks pimp, man.

#1654

⇓

Thank you.

#1655

⇓

He's gonna recognize us, man.

#1656

⇓

I'm freaking out.

#1657

⇓

This is Walters, he made the stuff.

#1658

⇓

- Real pleasure to meet you. - Fuck what his name is.

#1659

⇓

Your shit's good.

#1660

⇓

Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.

#1661

⇓

What, you having a party now?

#1662

⇓

Who are these two motherf***ers?

#1663

⇓

Fuck!

#1664

⇓

- Hey. - Hey. How's it going?

#1665

⇓

Nah, nah, it's cool, man, they're my boys, so...

#1666

⇓

- Are they? - Yeah.

#1667

⇓

I don't like strangers.

#1668

⇓

How do you ever expect to make any new friends with that attitude?

#1669

⇓

It's, like, everyone's a stranger till you give them a chance, man.

#1670

⇓

What the f*** are you talking about?

#1671

⇓

I don't even...

#1672

⇓

Just f***in' around.

#1673

⇓

Do your thing, man. Proceed.

#1674

⇓

Hey, kid, come here.

#1675

⇓

You, you look familiar.

#1676

⇓

- Me? - Yeah.

#1677

⇓

I was in a French fry commercial when I was a kid,

#1678

⇓

so people are like, you know, often say, "Oh, I think I know you,"

#1679

⇓

but I don't think we've ever met before.

#1680

⇓

Do I look like I eat French fries?

#1681

⇓

I don't know, you look like you're in great shape,

#1682

⇓

but maybe you have one cheat day, like a carb blowout, you know? I don't know.

#1683

⇓

Nah.

#1684

⇓

Yeah, the theme song was, like...

#1685

⇓

Come to Andrew's French Fry Emporium

#1686

⇓

Where friendship and French fries

#1687

⇓

Go hand in hand

#1688

⇓

That's my quesadilla! Who wants a piece? Huh?

#1689

⇓

I know you're in there, Doug, or whatever your name is!

#1690

⇓

You lied to me!

#1691

⇓

I'm gonna kill you, you stupid f***ing cop!

#1692

⇓

Hey, you guys, she just called me a stupid f***ing cock. That's rude.

#1693

⇓

Dickhead narc motherf***er!

#1694

⇓

Did she just say "nickhead dark motherf***er"?

#1695

⇓

That's just racist.

#1696

⇓

I know these two.

#1697

⇓

Your boys are cops! They're cops!

#1698

⇓

Police! Get on the ground!

#1699

⇓

You get on the f***in' ground!

#1700

⇓

- We asked you first! - I don't give a damn!

#1701

⇓

You're f***ing cops?

#1702

⇓

But we partied together, man.

#1703

⇓

You bought us Taco Bell.

#1704

⇓

Eric, honestly, that was a sincere gesture.

#1705

⇓

You made me this friendship bracelet.

#1706

⇓

Well, he's not really your friend. He was pretending the whole time.

#1707

⇓

I'm gonna cut this the f*** off later, all right?

#1708

⇓

What the f*** is going on?

#1709

⇓

Shut this kid up!

#1710

⇓

- Him, too. - No, no! Hey, wait!

#1711

⇓

No, no, no. Listen, I'm with you guys!

#1712

⇓

I didn't know these guys were cops!

#1713

⇓

I'm getting out of here.

#1714

⇓

I f***ing hate you!

#1715

⇓

Get that out of my face!

#1716

⇓

- Molly! - Oh, there you are!

#1717

⇓

What the f***!

#1718

⇓

Drop your guns, or I'll spray her brains all over the room!

#1719

⇓

Trying to take a hostage, some goddamn TV show shit?

#1720

⇓

I don't know! I'm trying to help, all right? I've never done this shit before.

#1721

⇓

Well, you're f***ing up.

#1722

⇓

- Drop the guns or she's dead! - She looks dead already.

#1723

⇓

What? No.

#1724

⇓

Jesus.

#1725

⇓

Yeah, I can hear her breathing.

#1726

⇓

She just passed out from the drugs. We're good.

#1727

⇓

Drop the guns or...

#1728

⇓

All right, all right, just chill out.

#1729

⇓

We're gonna drop our guns.

#1730

⇓

You got to let the kids go, and no one's gonna die, okay?

#1731

⇓

Just drop the guns, and kick them over here.

#1732

⇓

D.B., shoot these motherf***ers.

#1733

⇓

Oh, come on, that's unfair! We put our guns down in good faith.

#1734

⇓

You're a liar, and you're mean!

#1735

⇓

- That's unfair. - We're all friends here.

#1736

⇓

Let's just relax, and we can all leave here as friends.

#1737

⇓

- Yeah, let's do that. - Y'all boys are stupid.

#1738

⇓

Oh, my God, we're gonna die. We're gonna die.

#1739

⇓

God damn it!

#1740

⇓

Tom Hanson, DEA! On your knees!

#1741

⇓

What the f***?

#1742

⇓

- Now! - Fuck!

#1743

⇓

Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

#1744

⇓

Guns down, all of you! Domingo, tell them!

#1745

⇓

Put them down.

#1746

⇓

Put them down.

#1747

⇓

Nice! Yes!

#1748

⇓

Shut the f*** up!

#1749

⇓

You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.

#1750

⇓

We had no idea.

#1751

⇓

You're, like, an amazing actor, man.

#1752

⇓

You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

#1753

⇓

Tough titty. I f***ed her, too.

#1754

⇓

What?

#1755

⇓

You little turds.

#1756

⇓

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this?

#1757

⇓

Do you see this nose?

#1758

⇓

That is a fake nose.

#1759

⇓

Do you want to wear a fake nose on your f***in' head

#1760

⇓

for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?

#1761

⇓

Worse things in the world.

#1762

⇓

We had to get f***in' tattoos on our dicks, man.

#1763

⇓

Hey, actually, I just said that

#1764

⇓

- to mess with you. - What?

#1765

⇓

Looks tough.

#1766

⇓

Look, we know what it's like being undercover.

#1767

⇓

Metro Police, Jump Street Division.

#1768

⇓

Come on, you guys are Jump Street?

#1769

⇓

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

#1770

⇓

That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

#1771

⇓

- What? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

#1772

⇓

Oh, shit!

#1773

⇓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, shit.

#1774

⇓

Oh, my God, dude!

#1775

⇓

Get them!

#1776

⇓

Motherf***er!

#1777

⇓

Shoot them!

#1778

⇓

Fuck that.

#1779

⇓

That was a gun.

#1780

⇓

Somebody definitely got shot.

#1781

⇓

All right.

#1782

⇓

Here, take the money, all right? We're getting out of here.

#1783

⇓

Did I hit anything?

#1784

⇓

You were shooting at the f***in' ceiling.

#1785

⇓

Doug.

#1786

⇓

I know sometimes I was a jerk to you

#1787

⇓

when we were undercover.

#1788

⇓

It's just... I didn't feel good about myself.

#1789

⇓

All that stuff I wore, like the bracelets, the rings, the tight pants,

#1790

⇓

was just so

#1791

⇓

that people would think I'm cool.

#1792

⇓

The only approval

#1793

⇓

that I ever needed

#1794

⇓

was my best friend.

#1795

⇓

Thanks, man.

#1796

⇓

The money's gone!

#1797

⇓

Come on, let's roll.

#1798

⇓

We gotta get out of here, man.

#1799

⇓

Are you telling me it's on?

#1800

⇓

- Let's do this. - Let's make a baby.

#1801

⇓

- What? What are you talking about? - I don't know.

#1802

⇓

I was trying to sound cool. Sorry.

#1803

⇓

That was crazy! You killed a guy!

#1804

⇓

Oh, f***in' shit!

#1805

⇓

Hey, hey, we'll lose them in the prom! Go!

#1806

⇓

Go, go, go, go!

#1807

⇓

Where'd they go?

#1808

⇓

Molly!

#1809

⇓

Shit!

#1810

⇓

- You want to drive? - Yeah, I do, actually.

#1811

⇓

Okay, cool.

#1812

⇓

- Nice! - Did it look cool when I did it?

#1813

⇓

- That's what I'm talking about! - Yeah!

#1814

⇓

How you guys doing back there, huh?

#1815

⇓

God, I love high school!

#1816

⇓

Best prom night ever!

#1817

⇓

- Shoot them! - Stay on them!

#1818

⇓

I'm on them! I'm on them!

#1819

⇓

Oh, good, you guys, come hang out with me back here.

#1820

⇓

- Oh, f***, dude. Lisa, what are you doing? - Did she pass out back there?

#1821

⇓

Hey, you got a gun. Why don't you shoot back there?

#1822

⇓

Shoot that gun, shoot that gun!

#1823

⇓

All right, one second!

#1824

⇓

Just shoot someone, you bitch!

#1825

⇓

Peek-a-boo!

#1826

⇓

Give me my money!

#1827

⇓

Fuck that! Fuck that! No! No!

#1828

⇓

I can't do this! I'm supposed to go to Berkeley!

#1829

⇓

I'm gonna get the party started!

#1830

⇓

- I'm gonna get the party started! - No! No! Lisa, no!

#1831

⇓

Hey, I'm living my dream of standing in a limo!

#1832

⇓

What?

#1833

⇓

- You're killing my dream! - Come in.

#1834

⇓

- What? I'm trying to party. - Down!

#1835

⇓

Bitch!

#1836

⇓

What? Fuck!

#1837

⇓

I'll kill you!

#1838

⇓

Kill you!

#1839

⇓

- No! No! - Stay where you are.

#1840

⇓

Go! Go, go!

#1841

⇓

No! Stop!

#1842

⇓

I'm not f***ing kidding! Look, I'm trying to shoot people!

#1843

⇓

Will you stop! Just for two seconds!

#1844

⇓

You're really hot and you're really slutty and it's awesome,

#1845

⇓

but I got to shoot people right now!

#1846

⇓

You think I'm hot?

#1847

⇓

I wanna... Oh, my God!

#1848

⇓

Wait, guys! Call me!

#1849

⇓

Let me know where you're ending up later.

#1850

⇓

I'm almost out of ammo.

#1851

⇓

We're f***ed.

#1852

⇓

Give me my money!

#1853

⇓

I got an idea.

#1854

⇓

- You still got those shotgun shells? - Yeah.

#1855

⇓

Pop Quiznos.

#1856

⇓

What do you get when lithium batteries react to potassium nitrate?

#1857

⇓

That would be a covalent bond, brother.

#1858

⇓

That's when two atoms, they share electrons.

#1859

⇓

You see, they both need what the other one has.

#1860

⇓

That makes them stick together.

#1861

⇓

Are you saying we're covalent bonds?

#1862

⇓

What? No.

#1863

⇓

We're not atoms, dude.

#1864

⇓

- What's this? - Tequila?

#1865

⇓

I don't know, it was supposed to explode.

#1866

⇓

Oh, shit!

#1867

⇓

Where'd you learn how to do that, man?

#1868

⇓

App chemistry, bitch.

#1869

⇓

Come on, blondie.

#1870

⇓

Molly!

#1871

⇓

Drop your weapon!

#1872

⇓

Don't you f***in' pull that arm up.

#1873

⇓

Don't.

#1874

⇓

Looks like you're out of ammo, asshole!

#1875

⇓

Come on! Get out here!

#1876

⇓

- What? What's going on? - All right.

#1877

⇓

All right, here's the deal. Nobody moves, or she's gonna get hurt.

#1878

⇓

Do you understand? Nobody move!

#1879

⇓

- All right. - Eric, help me.

#1880

⇓

Don't you have a gun?

#1881

⇓

All right, don't move!

#1882

⇓

- Come on, let's go. Let's go. - No!

#1883

⇓

- Hey! Hey, hey! - Hey, no, no, I said don't move!

#1884

⇓

- Oh, f***, you shot him! - Oh, God!

#1885

⇓

Are you okay?

#1886

⇓

You shot my partner, you motherf***er!

#1887

⇓

I didn't mean to shoot you! I meant to shoot him!

#1888

⇓

Are you alive, buddy? You okay? You took a bullet for me, man.

#1889

⇓

Yeah, I'm feeling a little ambivalent about that right now.

#1890

⇓

Didn't you hear me? I said don't move! I said that! You heard, right?

#1891

⇓

Eric, you heard me!

#1892

⇓

- I said don't move! - Eric, help me!

#1893

⇓

- You got this. - Hey, hold still.

#1894

⇓

Freeze!

#1895

⇓

Shoot!

#1896

⇓

Come on.

#1897

⇓

You peaked in high school, motherf***er.

#1898

⇓

Oh, shit.

#1899

⇓

I shot him in the dick.

#1900

⇓

You shot me in the dick!

#1901

⇓

Oh, my God!

#1902

⇓

Yes!

#1903

⇓

Yes! Yes!

#1904

⇓

Yes!

#1905

⇓

You are under arrest!

#1906

⇓

- It definitely came out my asshole! - You have the right to remain silent!

#1907

⇓

Anything you say can and will be used against you

#1908

⇓

in a court of law!

#1909

⇓

You have the right to an attorney!

#1910

⇓

If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you!

#1911

⇓

Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

#1912

⇓

Fuck you! Bitch!

#1913

⇓

Yes! Yes!

#1914

⇓

We did it, man!

#1915

⇓

We did it.

#1916

⇓

God, I feel so good.

#1917

⇓

We did it, man!

#1918

⇓

You're a goddamn rock star.

#1919

⇓

Do you feel that?

#1920

⇓

God damn, you're so cool.

#1921

⇓

You just shot him in the dick.

#1922

⇓

I've never seen that. Who does that?

#1923

⇓

Look, I'm sorry I called you Rain Man.

#1924

⇓

I know I didn't say you were, but you're smart.

#1925

⇓

You're a smart guy, and you're thoughtful,

#1926

⇓

and you're sincere and you're sweet and you're loyal...

#1927

⇓

And I f***in' cherish you.

#1928

⇓

Should we high-five?

#1929

⇓

My hand!

#1930

⇓

Are you all right? Should we get you to the hospital, man?

#1931

⇓

- Yeah, I think we need to call somebody. - Hey, call somebody!

#1932

⇓

I got to get my dick sewn back on.

#1933

⇓

- You shut the f*** up. - Hey, you shut up.

#1934

⇓

- That's not funny. - Is that it?

#1935

⇓

What?

#1936

⇓

That's my dick!

#1937

⇓

Pick up my dick! Please!

#1938

⇓

No, we're not picking up your dick.

#1939

⇓

Fuckin' pick my dick up!

#1940

⇓

Oh, f***!

#1941

⇓

He's my friend.

#1942

⇓

They don't serve vegan in jail, bitch.

#1943

⇓

Hey.

#1944

⇓

Molly...

#1945

⇓

I'm really sorry.

#1946

⇓

I know you wanted a guy to trust, and I wanted to be that person so badly.

#1947

⇓

And I let you down in a lot of ways.

#1948

⇓

And...

#1949

⇓

It's good that you're mad at me.

#1950

⇓

I think it's good. I think you should be mad at more guys,

#1951

⇓

because you deserve a guy who's good and who doesn't lie to you.

#1952

⇓

And you should never settle for less than that.

#1953

⇓

There are good guys out there

#1954

⇓

who aren't assholes like me.

#1955

⇓

Thanks for saving my life,

#1956

⇓

asshole.

#1957

⇓

Put her there, partner.

#1958

⇓

I'll come back later.

#1959

⇓

We're, like, in the end of Die Hard right now, but it's our actual life.

#1960

⇓

It's crazy.

#1961

⇓

- Number one or two? - Three.

#1962

⇓

- Sam Jackson one. Yeah! - Sam Jackson style.

#1963

⇓

Boom, motherf***ers! What's going on? Come on!

#1964

⇓

Where is he? There's my guy!

#1965

⇓

There he is! That's him. That's him.

#1966

⇓

- Enough. - Too long on the hug.

#1967

⇓

Congratulations, you crazy, sick, vigilante motherf***ers.

#1968

⇓

You got your first arrest, huh?

#1969

⇓

- Look. Got something made for you. - You didn't!

#1970

⇓

- Come on. All right, all right. - Enough. Enough.

#1971

⇓

New assignment.

#1972

⇓

Since you two cowboys love to drink booze,

#1973

⇓

smoke weed with kids, and f*** anything with a big ass in jeans

#1974

⇓

with low self-esteem,

#1975

⇓

I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

#1976

⇓

Oh, I love Disneyland!

#1977

⇓

You two sons of bitches are going to college!

#1978

⇓

- Yes! - No!

#1979

⇓

Boo-yah!

#1980

⇓

Oh, my God! You're like two Hardy Boys in one!

#1981

⇓

Oh, f***!

#1982

⇓

Hey, why are you here, Scott?

#1983

⇓

What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?

#1984

⇓

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