Home » Tommy Boy (1995) » S01E01 — Tommy Boy (1995)

Tommy Boy (1995)

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tommy Boy (1995)

Oh, mamacita.

#1001

⇓

Hi.

#1002

⇓

Tommy, scram. Don't give her the weight-room thing.

#1003

⇓

You know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.

#1004

⇓

Sorry.

#1005

⇓

(WHISPERS) Idiot.

#1006

⇓

RICHARD: Daddy like.

#1007

⇓

You get wet, honey. You deserve a swim.

#1008

⇓

Now take off that itchy robe.

#1009

⇓

Nobody is around. It's naughty time.

#1010

⇓

For the love of God, I've been patient. Please don't stop.

#1011

⇓

We've been on the road... Those are real.

#1012

⇓

No one's looking.

#1013

⇓

Speaking of no one's looking...

#1014

⇓

(ZIPPER OPENING)

#1015

⇓

Bad girl.

#1016

⇓

Thank you.

#1017

⇓

TOMMY: I'm back.

#1018

⇓

(ZIPPING PANTS)

#1019

⇓

Richard, what were you doing?

#1020

⇓

Going over some documents.

#1021

⇓

Where are they? Jeez, I don't see them.

#1022

⇓

They're in my briefcase.

#1023

⇓

- I thought you were getting pizza. - They were closed.

#1024

⇓

How could you be reading documents when they're in your briefcase?

#1025

⇓

That's a mystery.

#1026

⇓

(GASPS) Richard, were you watching Spank-tro-Vision?

#1027

⇓

Okay, then, let's hit it.

#1028

⇓

Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian,

#1029

⇓

what's his name, Buddy Whack-it?

#1030

⇓

All right, then, let's get some shuteye.

#1031

⇓

- That's a pretty girl down there. - Good for her.

#1032

⇓

Jeez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees.

#1033

⇓

Couldn't tell you.

#1034

⇓

Big day tomorrow.

#1035

⇓

I hope we can keep this momentum going.

#1036

⇓

Yep, that'd be good.

#1037

⇓

Richard? Who's your favorite Little Rascal?

#1038

⇓

Alfalfa or is it Spanky?

#1039

⇓

Sinner.

#1040

⇓

(FAST UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

#1041

⇓

Yes, I'll buy it.

#1042

⇓

Yes, I like what I hear.

#1043

⇓

Yes, sounds good.

#1044

⇓

By the way, did you ever eat paint chips as a kid?

#1045

⇓

(INAUDIBLE)

#1046

⇓

- Son of a... - Jeez.

#1047

⇓

TOMMY: I'm okay.

#1048

⇓

MICHELLE: A thousand units to Oshkosh? Tommy, that's fabulous.

#1049

⇓

Your dad never sold 1,000 in Oshkosh. Not since I've been here.

#1050

⇓

(COUNTRY SONG PLAYING)

#1051

⇓

(INAUDIBLE)

#1052

⇓

(INAUDIBLE)

#1053

⇓

TOMMY: Lord, I've never had to tinkle so bad in all of my life.

#1054

⇓

What the...

#1055

⇓

Richard, you're a riot!

#1056

⇓

Stop the car. Son of a...

#1057

⇓

What the hell's gotten into you?

#1058

⇓

My thing got stuck in my zipper, I got piss all over my pants.

#1059

⇓

MICHELLE: Okay, thanks. Bye. I owe you.

#1060

⇓

There you are.

#1061

⇓

While I was waiting, I thought I'd make a couple of calls.

#1062

⇓

Okay, Mom. I'll call you later then. Bye-bye.

#1063

⇓

(DIAL TONE BEEPING)

#1064

⇓

- So what do you want? - I just wanted to tell you

#1065

⇓

that Tommy's been talking a lot about you recently.

#1066

⇓

And, well, I thought you might want to know that.

#1067

⇓

MICHELLE: God, he's so sweet.

#1068

⇓

(WHOOSHING)

#1069

⇓

You have no idea how much it means having you and your mom as family.

#1070

⇓

- He says the sweetest things about her. - Everything he does is sweet.

#1071

⇓

So when does sweetie get back?

#1072

⇓

This Friday, which is great

#1073

⇓

because we're backed up on orders as it is.

#1074

⇓

He turned into this selling machine.

#1075

⇓

Well, between that and sweetness, I'd say hang on to him.

#1076

⇓

I gotta go.

#1077

⇓

RICHARD: Yes, sir, I can have that for you tomorrow.

#1078

⇓

Well, that would be great. Thank you, sir.

#1079

⇓

(EXCLAIMING) Yes!

#1080

⇓

-(IN WOMAN'S VOICE) Housekeeping. - No, thank you. Sleeping.

#1081

⇓

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

#1082

⇓

- RICHARD: Housekeeping. - Can you come back here in an hour?

#1083

⇓

RICHARD: Housekeeping. You want towel?

#1084

⇓

No towels, need sleepy.

#1085

⇓

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

#1086

⇓

Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?

#1087

⇓

Please go away. Let me sleep, for the love of God!

#1088

⇓

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

#1089

⇓

RICHARD: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?

#1090

⇓

What kind of hotel is this?

#1091

⇓

- Oh, it's you. - Good morning, sunshine.

#1092

⇓

Guess what? I just called Auto Tech and they decided to make an order.

#1093

⇓

So, according to my calculations, that puts us over the mark.

#1094

⇓

- We did it? - We did it.

#1095

⇓

Yes! Richard, I'm so happy. Hold me.

#1096

⇓

- Yikes. - Don't run away from your feelings.

#1097

⇓

(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#1098

⇓

(SINGING) Come on, Eileen

#1099

⇓

Oh, I swear what he means

#1100

⇓

At these moments you mean everything

#1101

⇓

(IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#1102

⇓

(SINGING) It's the end of the world as we know it

#1103

⇓

And I feel fine

#1104

⇓

Six o'clock, TV hour

#1105

⇓

(RICHARD MUTTERING)

#1106

⇓

(ERES Tú PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)

#1107

⇓

(BOTH SINGING ALONG)

#1108

⇓

Something went haywire down at Shipping and Receiving.

#1109

⇓

Your shipments got screwed up in the computer,

#1110

⇓

the wrong parts went to the wrong cities.

#1111

⇓

Now all hell has broken loose.

#1112

⇓

I don't believe this.

#1113

⇓

Okay. So we call everyone and explain what happened.

#1114

⇓

Half the orders have already been canceled.

#1115

⇓

What?

#1116

⇓

They think it's an indication of how things work around here.

#1117

⇓

The real problem is that we won't be able to make the payment to the bank.

#1118

⇓

This is like a bad Twilight Zone. I think I'm growing a tumor.

#1119

⇓

Look, we talk to the bank, maybe they'll give us a break.

#1120

⇓

Hell, we've been doing business with them for 23 years.

#1121

⇓

Tommy, it's all over.

#1122

⇓

You made a valiant effort, but we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky.

#1123

⇓

I'm flying to Chicago to sign over the company.

#1124

⇓

- What's gonna happen to the factory? - He's gonna shut it down.

#1125

⇓

Zalinsky doesn't care about our workers.

#1126

⇓

He wants the Callahan name, that's all.

#1127

⇓

Did anyone see Scanners?

#1128

⇓

The bottom line is, by 6:00 p.m. tomorrow we'll all be unemployed.

#1129

⇓

Don't say anything, okay?

#1130

⇓

I know I've ruined your entire life and you hate me.

#1131

⇓

So let me just pack my things and I'll go crawl into a dark hole for a few years.

#1132

⇓

Hi.

#1133

⇓

- So, do you hate me? - I just don't get it.

#1134

⇓

I guaranteed overnight delivery.

#1135

⇓

I mean, we faxed you our shipping addresses, didn't we?

#1136

⇓

Yes. And they were right when I put them into my computer, I swear.

#1137

⇓

Then how could...

#1138

⇓

Man, this was so big!

#1139

⇓

I know it was big, but it wasn't my fault.

#1140

⇓

Why can't you put your files in the file cabinets like everybody else?

#1141

⇓

Maybe if you weren't such a rebel you could avoid...

#1142

⇓

Don't worry, because I've quit.

#1143

⇓

So you won't have to put up with anything anymore.

#1144

⇓

Michelle, wait. Come on, please?

#1145

⇓

Thanks. Have a good flight.

#1146

⇓

May I help you?

#1147

⇓

I called about a ticket to Cuyahoga Falls.

#1148

⇓

- The name's Brock. - Right.

#1149

⇓

That flight's going through Columbus. Let me just call that up for you.

#1150

⇓

Excuse me.

#1151

⇓

Come on.

#1152

⇓

Hello, is Detective Duane Brock on duty today?

#1153

⇓

This town doesn't even know what's about to hit it.

#1154

⇓

Fish in a barrel, my friend.

#1155

⇓

Town's the fish, the people are the barrel.

#1156

⇓

(MIMICKS GUN FIRING)

#1157

⇓

Fish in a barrel.

#1158

⇓

What's wrong with you, Richard? You can't drink in a car.

#1159

⇓

Don't you know we can get busted for that?

#1160

⇓

I'm sorry. I did not know that.

#1161

⇓

But right now we got a bigger problem.

#1162

⇓

- That is? - Beer's coming back up.

#1163

⇓

Oh, Lord!

#1164

⇓

Here we go.

#1165

⇓

(SIREN WAILS)

#1166

⇓

Cops! Damn it, Richard. The whole car smells like beer.

#1167

⇓

They're never gonna believe I wasn't drinking.

#1168

⇓

- Hold on. - What are you doing?

#1169

⇓

I've got an idea.

#1170

⇓

What the hell?

#1171

⇓

When I stop the car, run out screaming.

#1172

⇓

No problem.

#1173

⇓

Little trick my dad taught me.

#1174

⇓

Bees! Bees in the car!

#1175

⇓

Bees everywhere!

#1176

⇓

God, they're huge! They're ripping my flesh off!

#1177

⇓

Son, roll around. Did you hear me? Roll around on the ground.

#1178

⇓

Forget that. I'm starting to swell up!

#1179

⇓

Save yourself, Tommy! Don't be the hero!

#1180

⇓

- Frank, I'm allergic to bees. - Me, too.

#1181

⇓

TOMMY: They're huge and they're sting-crazy!

#1182

⇓

We'll come back later and check on you.

#1183

⇓

Yeah, in a while.

#1184

⇓

TOMMY: Save yourself!

#1185

⇓

Your firearms are useless against them!

#1186

⇓

(BOTH SCREAMING)

#1187

⇓

Holy schnikes, it worked.

#1188

⇓

I just barfed on an ant hill.

#1189

⇓

Cool. Whoa. I think they're pissed.

#1190

⇓

Yeah. That's the answer.

#1191

⇓

It doesn't look like the answer.

#1192

⇓

- I don't remember eating that. - No! Zalinsky.

#1193

⇓

We'll go to Chicago, tell him we're not for sale.

#1194

⇓

He seems like a good guy on TV. He'll understand.

#1195

⇓

RICHARD: You are dreaming. You can't stop him.

#1196

⇓

You lost your shares to the bank, remember?

#1197

⇓

What the hell! In less than 24 hours I lose the factory anyway.

#1198

⇓

So why not give it a shot?

#1199

⇓

- Chicago? - Chicago.

#1200

⇓

- You can't park here. - Keep it.

#1201

⇓

Where are you going?

#1202

⇓

MICHELLE: Leave me a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

#1203

⇓

Hi, Michelle, this is Tommy.

#1204

⇓

Listen, I'm sorry about what I said. I was being an idiot.

#1205

⇓

I want to apologize 'cause I didn't mean it.

#1206

⇓

Anyway, Richard and I are going to Chicago to straighten things out.

#1207

⇓

The next flight to Chicago boards in five minutes

#1208

⇓

but I'm sorry, it's completely sold out.

#1209

⇓

I can put you on another one at 3:00 this afternoon.

#1210

⇓

Lady, we really need to get to Chicago. It's an emergency.

#1211

⇓

Is there anything you can do?

#1212

⇓

I can put you in at Salt Lake City by 4:00. And there's another flight...

#1213

⇓

I don't have time to go through another city.

#1214

⇓

I need a direct flight to Chicago.

#1215

⇓

I can reserve you a flight coming back from Chicago at 5:55.

#1216

⇓

- Does that help? - Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?

#1217

⇓

I don't think so.

#1218

⇓

So I'll talk to you later? Okay, bye.

#1219

⇓

We're screwed. No tickets to Chicago. Not even stand-by.

#1220

⇓

There's got to be something we can do.

#1221

⇓

ANNOUNCER: Flight 481 for Chicago...

#1222

⇓

Wait a minute. You got any money?

#1223

⇓

'Cause I got a plan.

#1224

⇓

Yikes!

#1225

⇓

We're gonna get busted, let's get out of here.

#1226

⇓

Too late. Hey, guess who's here?

#1227

⇓

What are we serving tonight, chicken or chicken?

#1228

⇓

What a nice surprise, they said we were gonna be short-handed this leg.

#1229

⇓

You two take coach. Could you handle the announcements?

#1230

⇓

- Okey-dokey. No problemo. - They're gonna know we're bogus.

#1231

⇓

Relax. You get on the horn. I'll throw some peanuts at them.

#1232

⇓

We'll be in Chicago before you know it.

#1233

⇓

Okay, folks. The guy in front of you is Tommy.

#1234

⇓

He'll be taking you through my little spiel here.

#1235

⇓

Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking, and he's never been laid.

#1236

⇓

Exits. Okay, there's one back here

#1237

⇓

and there's probably one over by the wing somewhere. Usually.

#1238

⇓

And what about seat belts?

#1239

⇓

To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and...

#1240

⇓

Hey, know what?

#1241

⇓

If you don't know how to use a seat belt, ring your call button

#1242

⇓

and Tommy will come hit you on the head with a tack hammer

#1243

⇓

'cause you're a retard.

#1244

⇓

Okay, and life preservers.

#1245

⇓

These, we may need.

#1246

⇓

Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake?

#1247

⇓

My money says if anything it's gonna be a mountain.

#1248

⇓

To inflate, put it around your neck and yank down on the tabs.

#1249

⇓

(SCREAMING) Damn!

#1250

⇓

Son of a...

#1251

⇓

I can't breathe!

#1252

⇓

I'm choking!

#1253

⇓

(AIR WHOOSHING)

#1254

⇓

He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he, folks?

#1255

⇓

PILOT ON P.A.: Folks, we're making our final approach into Chicago.

#1256

⇓

Ma'am, you still alive?

#1257

⇓

Ma'am, there's a half-hour time limit.

#1258

⇓

¡Ay, caramba!

#1259

⇓

Okay, now, we're running out of time, so you can't go see Zalinsky like that.

#1260

⇓

Now, go change.

#1261

⇓

Go.

#1262

⇓

(BANGING)

#1263

⇓

(TOMMY SCREAMING)

#1264

⇓

Shh!

#1265

⇓

Can you do your seat belt?

#1266

⇓

I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm fine now.

#1267

⇓

- What are you doing? - I'm nervous, so I'm sweating.

#1268

⇓

You're gonna smell like a cab driver. Not to say that that's bad.

#1269

⇓

I want to be fresh for the meeting.

#1270

⇓

- You look good. Are you ready? - Ready or not, this is crunch time.

#1271

⇓

525, that's it.

#1272

⇓

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

#1273

⇓

Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

#1274

⇓

Look at this place.

#1275

⇓

TOMMY: Welcome to the pros.

#1276

⇓

No way! It's him!

#1277

⇓

There he is, my friend. The King himself.

#1278

⇓

Let's do it. It's go time.

#1279

⇓

- Where'd he go? - I don't know.

#1280

⇓

You check the elevators. I'll check the bank.

#1281

⇓

Where is he?

#1282

⇓

Listen up. This will only take a second.

#1283

⇓

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

#1284

⇓

Does anybody...

#1285

⇓

Jeez.

#1286

⇓

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

#1287

⇓

- RICHARD: What's going on out here? - Walk slow.

#1288

⇓

- Okay. Why? - Nothing.

#1289

⇓

- Am I consorting with a known felon? - Shut up, Richard.

#1290

⇓

Hey, Mom, it's the guy who robbed the bank.

#1291

⇓

- I didn't rob any bank. - Yeah, right.

#1292

⇓

Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.

#1293

⇓

I got a tiny head?

#1294

⇓

(WHISPERS) Zalinsky.

#1295

⇓

Say something.

#1296

⇓

Mr. Zalinsky? I'm Tommy Callahan, Big Tom Callahan's son.

#1297

⇓

Sorry to hear about your dad. He was a good man.

#1298

⇓

(SNIFFING)

#1299

⇓

Went a little heavy on the pine-tree perfume there, kid.

#1300

⇓

Sir, it's a taxi-cab air freshener.

#1301

⇓

Great, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it off.

#1302

⇓

(TOMMY SNIFFING)

#1303

⇓

Sir, what exactly happened here?

#1304

⇓

He came out of the shadows behind me.

#1305

⇓

And after he hit me many times in the head with a hammer,

#1306

⇓

I had to give him my gun. You know, I've got kids.

#1307

⇓

So, as more details emerge on this attempted bank robbery

#1308

⇓

Action 8 will be there.

#1309

⇓

But the Callahan factory has been in my family for 70 years,

#1310

⇓

you can't just shut it down.

#1311

⇓

You got to look at it from my point of view.

#1312

⇓

Callahan's a premium name. That's what I'm buying.

#1313

⇓

I can make the parts in one of my factories, put them in a Callahan box

#1314

⇓

and sell them in my stores at a premium price.

#1315

⇓

Why keep your factory going when all I want is the goddamn box?

#1316

⇓

I'll tell you why. Because there's a town involved here.

#1317

⇓

Callahan factory is the only thing keeping it alive.

#1318

⇓

Believe it or not, I'm providing a service. I'm thinning the corporate herd.

#1319

⇓

You've seen Daktari, the weaker animals always go.

#1320

⇓

Sure the kids cry when you tie old Tiger to a tree and shoot him.

#1321

⇓

But that's life. America's in a state of renewal.

#1322

⇓

We gotta have the strength to tie a few factories to a tree

#1323

⇓

and bash them with a shovel.

#1324

⇓

Meanwhile, if I can grab your share of the market,

#1325

⇓

put a little coin in my pocket by being the asshole,

#1326

⇓

well, what the hell? Know what I mean?

#1327

⇓

Boy, you sure are different in your TV commercials.

#1328

⇓

What the American public doesn't know

#1329

⇓

is what makes them the American public.

#1330

⇓

All right?

#1331

⇓

God, I love that.

#1332

⇓

Hell, folks believe me when I tell them

#1333

⇓

we're not just building automotive components here,

#1334

⇓

we're adding horsepower to American industry.

#1335

⇓

You say one word to anyone and I will kill you, do you understand me?

#1336

⇓

It looks real.

#1337

⇓

Yeah, television's been good to me, son.

#1338

⇓

"I make car parts for the American working man

#1339

⇓

"because that's what I am, and that's who I care about."

#1340

⇓

The truth is, I make car parts for the American working man

#1341

⇓

because I'm a hell of a salesman, and he doesn't know any better.

#1342

⇓

Son, since you're no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you.

#1343

⇓

Don't feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago.

#1344

⇓

You and your bald-headed friend did what you could, that's commendable.

#1345

⇓

Marty, have Security see these boys out.

#1346

⇓

- Mrs. Callahan. - Sir.

#1347

⇓

I trust your trip went well.

#1348

⇓

What's my family doing in there?

#1349

⇓

I thought they were on my side.

#1350

⇓

They had a lot to gain if the factory was sold.

#1351

⇓

Boy, did I screw up.

#1352

⇓

My so-called family deserted me. Michelle's mad at me.

#1353

⇓

I lost the factory. The town's going under, and I'm out of a job.

#1354

⇓

(CRASHING)

#1355

⇓

Could have done without that. Jeez! I'm an idiot!

#1356

⇓

- Boy, I sure let my dad down. - You tried as hard as you could.

#1357

⇓

When we first started out, I thought you'd just walk through this

#1358

⇓

like you walk through everything else. But you didn't.

#1359

⇓

Your dad would have been proud of you.

#1360

⇓

And you got a friend out of it.

#1361

⇓

Now, I know it doesn't matter, because you have so many, but

#1362

⇓

I don't.

#1363

⇓

Thanks, man.

#1364

⇓

MICHELLE: Tommy!

#1365

⇓

Michelle!

#1366

⇓

- Don't tell her about my hair. - Let it go.

#1367

⇓

God, I was worried I wouldn't find you.

#1368

⇓

- What are you doing here? - I got your message.

#1369

⇓

Okay, I was at the airport. I was going home

#1370

⇓

and I saw your stepbrother and your stepmother and he was kissing her.

#1371

⇓

- So? - With his tongue.

#1372

⇓

(BOTH EXCLAIM IN DISGUST)

#1373

⇓

- He's doing his mommy? - She's not his mom. They're married.

#1374

⇓

They were lying to your dad the whole time.

#1375

⇓

My brother got his police report. See?

#1376

⇓

- They lied to my dad? - They're con artists. They suckered him.

#1377

⇓

TOMMY: They lied to my dad.

#1378

⇓

Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got a plan.

#1379

⇓

Yikes!

#1380

⇓

Folks, Mr. Zalinsky gave us specific instructions

#1381

⇓

to bar you from the building.

#1382

⇓

Sorry, boys. Hopefully, we'll just be in and out.

#1383

⇓

GUARD 1: My God, he's wired. TOMMY: And no cops.

#1384

⇓

Wouldn't want things to get messy.

#1385

⇓

- That was fun. - Now what?

#1386

⇓

Well, it's 6:00. Time for the news.

#1387

⇓

Excuse me! Miss?

#1388

⇓

Oh, God.

#1389

⇓

Done this before?

#1390

⇓

Thank you, Marty.

#1391

⇓

My, your hands move quickly.

#1392

⇓

Only when I see something I want, Mrs. Callahan.

#1393

⇓

It just doesn't seem right.

#1394

⇓

Hi! Got a second?

#1395

⇓

- What the hell's going on here? - Oh, my God. We're gonna die.

#1396

⇓

- Tommy, what are you doing? - Hi, Ted. Hi, Frank. Excuse me, Marty.

#1397

⇓

Okay, we're live.

#1398

⇓

NEWSREADER: We now switch live to our reporter

#1399

⇓

who is at the scene with the bomber.

#1400

⇓

This is Nicole Taylor in downtown Chicago.

#1401

⇓

Look, it's Tommy!

#1402

⇓

...who says he strapped a bomb...

#1403

⇓

TOMMY: Nicole, I've got something to say.

#1404

⇓

Please. May I?

#1405

⇓

Hi, this is Tommy Callahan here with Mr. Ray Zalinsky

#1406

⇓

American Auto Parts King.

#1407

⇓

Honey, look at this human bomb on the news.

#1408

⇓

Yeah, I buy brake pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons.

#1409

⇓

(MUSIC PLAYING)

#1410

⇓

Mr. Zalinsky, for years you've been putting ads on TV.

#1411

⇓

And they always end up with you saying, "I make car parts for..."

#1412

⇓

How does it go?

#1413

⇓

(CLEARS THROAT) I make car parts for the American working man

#1414

⇓

because that's what I am and that's who I care about.

#1415

⇓

And that's why I'm here, Ray. You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio,

#1416

⇓

there are 300 American workers at Callahan Auto.

#1417

⇓

We make the best parts money can buy.

#1418

⇓

Right now those workers are in danger of losing their jobs.

#1419

⇓

They're praying somebody's gonna step up and help them.

#1420

⇓

Is that why you strapped a bomb to your chest?

#1421

⇓

This isn't a bomb. These are road flares.

#1422

⇓

ZALINSKY: Road flares?

#1423

⇓

Did you live under power lines as a kid or something?

#1424

⇓

Why?

#1425

⇓

You guys want this or American Gladiators?

#1426

⇓

ALL: Gladiators.

#1427

⇓

So, do you think Zalinsky Industries can help these folks?

#1428

⇓

I'll be happy to look into it.

#1429

⇓

I'll tell you what. I can get a good look at a T-bone

#1430

⇓

by sticking my head up a bull's ass

#1431

⇓

but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

#1432

⇓

Am I just severely wasted or does Tommy look bloated?

#1433

⇓

No, it's TV, man. Camera adds a couple hundred pounds.

#1434

⇓

Ray, we're not looking for a handout here.

#1435

⇓

I'm offering you a great deal.

#1436

⇓

This is an order for half a million Callahan brake pads

#1437

⇓

to be sold in your stores

#1438

⇓

made by the American working man for the American working man.

#1439

⇓

Well, absolutely.

#1440

⇓

It would be my great pleasure. I mean, what have I got to lose?

#1441

⇓

A great American product, right?

#1442

⇓

I don't believe it. Tommy just sold half a million brake pads.

#1443

⇓

Tommy just sold a half a million brake pads!

#1444

⇓

ALL: Yeah!

#1445

⇓

What difference does it make?

#1446

⇓

The company's gonna be mine in 10 minutes anyway, right?

#1447

⇓

TOMMY: Mr. Zalinsky, thank you.

#1448

⇓

Thank you, Tommy Boy. And thank you.

#1449

⇓

And remember, you can pick up these great brake pads from Callahan Auto

#1450

⇓

at all my Zalinsky Auto Parts outlets all over North America.

#1451

⇓

ALL: Go, Tommy!

#1452

⇓

For the moment it looks like a tragedy

#1453

⇓

has been averted and a town has been saved.

#1454

⇓

For Action News, I'm Nicole Taylor, reporting live.

#1455

⇓

Okay. We're out of here.

#1456

⇓

Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank.

#1457

⇓

You don't even have a right to be here.

#1458

⇓

MICHELLE: Gee, funny you should bring that up.

#1459

⇓

'Cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.

#1460

⇓

What have we got here?

#1461

⇓

- My God, it's a police report. - ZALINSKY: Now what's all this about?

#1462

⇓

Let's see. Paul Barrish, married, May, 1993

#1463

⇓

to Beverly Barrish, a.k.a. Beverly Burns.

#1464

⇓

Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time?

#1465

⇓

- Interesting. - Yes. Provocative.

#1466

⇓

What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.

#1467

⇓

Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.

#1468

⇓

- Isn't that right, Mr. Rittenhauer? - Yes. I believe that's right.

#1469

⇓

- Mr. Reilly? - I'd say that's right.

#1470

⇓

- Mr. Gilmore? - Absolutely.

#1471

⇓

And let me guess.

#1472

⇓

You're not going to be selling me the company now.

#1473

⇓

- Are you, Tommy Boy? - No, sir.

#1474

⇓

Ray, I have no idea what they're talking about.

#1475

⇓

That's it. I'm not going to take this.

#1476

⇓

- It's not over yet, Lee Harvey. - MICHELLE: Let's see.

#1477

⇓

Warrants outstanding: New Mexico, mail fraud

#1478

⇓

Colorado, wire fraud

#1479

⇓

and coming soon to Ohio, computer fraud.

#1480

⇓

Get him!

#1481

⇓

Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.

#1482

⇓

- Hey, you forgot your wife. - Screw you. Screw all of you!

#1483

⇓

(ALARM BEEPING)

#1484

⇓

FEMALE VOICE: Crash test in progress.

#1485

⇓

- Not good. - Hit the brakes.

#1486

⇓

(SCREAMING)

#1487

⇓

(GROANING)

#1488

⇓

That will ruin his weekend.

#1489

⇓

Well, kid, you threw one by me.

#1490

⇓

Savor the flavor because it sure as hell won't happen again.

#1491

⇓

- In the meantime, good luck to you. - Thank you, sir.

#1492

⇓

Marty, cut a check to Callahan Auto for those brake pads.

#1493

⇓

- Yes, sir. - And you,

#1494

⇓

with all this excitement here, I kind of got a little hungry.

#1495

⇓

Want to step over to my club and we'll grab something to eat?

#1496

⇓

- Thank you. I'd like that. - Good.

#1497

⇓

Marty, find out where the police will be taking him.

#1498

⇓

Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card.

#1499

⇓

Have it say, "Tough break. Get drunk on me.

#1500

⇓

"Use the bucket to ice down your marbles. Yours, Z."

#1501

⇓

Well, Mr. Callahan, looks like we're back in business.

#1502

⇓

Yes, sir, Mr. Rittenhauer.

#1503

⇓

- That's great, Tommy. - Great, Tommy.

#1504

⇓

Thanks.

#1505

⇓

Way to go, Tommy Callahan.

#1506

⇓

- That was pathetic. - Shut up, Richard.

#1507

⇓

This is a very proud day for me.

#1508

⇓

I want to introduce you to the new president of Callahan Auto,

#1509

⇓

Tom Callahan, Jr.

#1510

⇓

Tommy, will you say something?

#1511

⇓

Ever since I was a kid, you people have been like a family to me.

#1512

⇓

Louis, we built our first fort together.

#1513

⇓

And, Danny, remember when we used to burn ants with a magnifying glass?

#1514

⇓

R.T., I lost my virginity to your daughter, for crying out loud.

#1515

⇓

(MEN LAUGHING)

#1516

⇓

Rob, you were there.

#1517

⇓

Anyway, I just want you to know that as long as I'm around

#1518

⇓

I'm gonna bust my butt

#1519

⇓

and make sure that every last one of you

#1520

⇓

always has a job right here at Callahan.

#1521

⇓

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

#1522

⇓

Dad, I got a little problem here.

#1523

⇓

I've been stuck out here for an hour with no wind again

#1524

⇓

and I'm supposed to be at Michelle's for dinner.

#1525

⇓

So if you could give me a little help I'd appreciate it.

#1526

⇓

If not, don't worry about it.

#1527

⇓

I'm trying to do everything I think you'd be doing

#1528

⇓

and so far it's going pretty good.

#1529

⇓

I just want to tell you that I still love you and

#1530

⇓

I sure miss you a lot.

#1531

⇓

Thanks, Dad.

#1532

⇓

Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.

#1533

⇓

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