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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S04E03 — America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest
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Season 4, Episode 3 — America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest
DENNIS: You better have a good reason
#1
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for getting us out of bed this early, jerk.
#2
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FRANK: I got a goddamn great reason for getting you out of bed.
#3
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This bar is hemorrhaging money.
#4
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You gotta spend money to make money. Economics 101, dude.
#5
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You're bleeding us to death,
#6
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That is for business expenses, Frank.
#8
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Everything on there is a business expense.
#9
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Who spent $500 for laser hair removal?
#10
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Right over here, slick. Don't wanna have hair down there. (laughs)
#11
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Who spent $5,000 for a samurai sword?
#12
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Your head of security.
#13
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Just wait till he saves your life one day with it.
#14
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$6,000 on a camcorder.
#15
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I've decided what I'm gonna do is I'm going to take
#16
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all those hilarious characters
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I've been creating over the past several years.
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I'm gonna put 'em on tape. I'm gonna put 'em on YouTube.
#19
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That way I can get discovered by a casting director or producer,
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get some kind of a TV development deal.
#21
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Right. So the point is, Frank, these are all business expenses.
#22
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I mean, some are definitely more realistic than others.
#23
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- Yeah, not that one. - No, not at all.
#24
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But nonetheless, it was, I believe, bought as a business expense, so...
#25
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They're not business expenses. What I bought is a business expense.
#26
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What I bought is something that's gonna save our asses.
#27
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- Okay. Yeah. All right. - All right. What'd you get?
#28
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I bought a billboard.
#29
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(music)
#30
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Okay, so I'm thinking we write on the billboard in nice big letters,
#31
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"We have two for one drink specials on Thursdays."
#32
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And on the bottom, you got a hilarious picture of Greenman
#33
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kicking someone in the nuts.
#34
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It is absolutely astonishing how bad your ideas are.
#36
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How is that a bad idea?
#37
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Go sit down. The adults are working.
#38
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When we need a child, we'll call you.
#39
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Now, Dennis, you and I on the same team,
#40
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hot chick up on the billboard, sex sells, boom.
#41
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Oh, absolutely. It's Advertising 101.
#42
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Long legs, taut breasts and tight poopers.
#43
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that this is the point in the conversation
#45
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where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard,
#46
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and then you'd talk about how ugly you think I am
#47
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and compare me to some sort of giant bird.
#48
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- You look so much like a bird. - I was thinking fish recently.
#49
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- Really? - Her eyes are so far apart.
#50
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They're on the sides of her head.
#51
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I don't wanna be on your billboard.
#52
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I'm not gonna ask to be because you wouldn't let me be on it anyway.
#53
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That's sensible of you not to ask.
#54
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For the love of God, there's no way you would be up on that billboard.
#55
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- Let me get the point out! - Anything's better than you.
#56
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I don't wanna be on your billboard, and I'll tell you why.
#57
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I'm gonna take one of my characters,
#58
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and I'm gonna launch a viral video and promote Paddy's myself.
#59
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A viral video? There's about a billion of those on YouTube.
#60
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Who gives a shit, Dee?
#61
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You think anybody gives a shit about a billboard? Wake up, donkeys.
#62
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The Internet's where it's at and I'm going to be a sensation.
#63
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You're totally right. If you don't mind, I'm gonna come with you.
#64
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and work it out. That'll get a lot of hits, I think.
#66
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You can help me out, but we're not gonna put Greenman into anything.
#67
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- We'll see about that. - We won't.
#68
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Well, we will. All right. Later, dudes.
#69
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S.U. in your A's, don't wear a "C" and "J" all over your B's.
#70
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Why would he not wear a "C"?
#71
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I don't even know what he's talking about half the time.
#72
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Frank, glad you're here. We're talkin' billboard ideas.
#73
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Don't waste your time. I know what the billboard's gonna look like.
#74
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Two gorgeous girls up there, giant cans,
#75
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me in the middle with my thumbs up. Yeah!
#76
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That's just simply not gonna happen.
#77
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Actually, maybe Frank has a point, dude.
#78
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Maybe we should put a dude up there. Certainly not him.
#79
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But if we put some hot beefcake, maybe it'll attract more chicks.
#80
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That's a good point. Okay, I like that.
#81
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Let's slap my picture up there.
#82
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It's about time I got my modeling career off the ground anyway.
#83
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Don't flatter yourself, you're not gonna be up there
#84
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That's ridiculous, Frank. You're... ugly.
#86
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- What? - Ugly.
#87
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- I'm ugly? - Yeah.
#88
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With that anteater nose, you're telling me I'm ugly?
#89
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My nose was chiseled by the gods themselves, Frank.
#90
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My body was sculpted
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to the proportions of Michelangelo's David.
#92
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You, on the other hand, well... You're a pit of despair.
#93
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Frank, you disgust me. You disgust everyone.
#94
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(Irish accent) Good morning, Philadelphia.
#97
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I'm Crazy Paddy and I'm coming to you from Paddy's Pub,
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telling you to come on down, where we're slashing prices so low,
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you won't need a pot of gold to get sloppy.
#100
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So come on down to Paddy's. It's insane!
#101
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- What is that? - Did you like that?
#102
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No. That's not what YouTube videos are like.
#103
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That's a great character.
#104
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No, that's like a bad commercial you'd see on the cable network.
#105
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Maybe you didn't get it. I'm crazy 'cause I'm pricing the beer too low.
#106
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I think I got it.
#107
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The beer's too low for what average beer prices should be.
#108
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Let's just do it again. Maybe throw in some more jokes.
#109
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- You can make it. You're funny. - You ready?
#111
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Oh! (laughs)
#113
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Oh, my God.
#114
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- Why? - Now that was funny!
#115
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- Dee, that's awesome. - Why would you do that?
#116
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- That's what YouTube video is. - Are you insane?
#117
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You ever seen the little girl mashing the grapes and slips...
#118
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- Why would you do that? - That's what people wanna see!
#119
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Oh, my God!
#120
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People getting injured or seriously hurt, that's funny!
#121
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Okay? Let's just do this. This is... Trust me.
#122
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This is what gets hits on YouTube.
#123
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- Are you ready? - I was ready from the...
#124
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Stop talking! (sighs)
#125
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I'm Crazy Paddy.
#126
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- No. Okay. - Okay.
#127
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- I'm Crazy Paddy. (grunts) - What are you doing?
#128
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- You're flinching every time now. - I'm sorry.
#129
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I can't concentrate when I'm about to get
#130
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blasted in the face with a ball!
#131
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- Don't... - Let's just do this.
#133
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- Let's just do this. Action! - These...
#134
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(screams) - Goddamn! Goddamn! - Yeah! That was funny!
#135
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I don't like it, Charlie! I don't think it's funny...
#136
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It's too much. It's too much. It just hurts too bad.
#137
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Bro, can you believe how many hot chicks showed up
#138
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for a casting call for a billboard?
#139
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- How have we not done this before? - Yeah, man.
#140
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Plus, think about it. Dennis Reynolds, 40 feet tall, shirtless.
#141
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(door opens) It's gonna be so perfect.
#142
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Let's go. Just take your places over there.
#143
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- Frank, what are you doing? - We're lookin' for models, right?
#144
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What are you talkin' about, Frank? I'm the male model.
#146
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Rex. Rex.
#147
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What's Rex for? We don't need Rex.
#148
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- Take your shirt off. - You don't need to take it off.
#149
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(whistles) Well, if you're looking for that.
#150
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(laughs) Now that... That is what you call stallion.
#151
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MAC: That is a stallion.
#152
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Didn't know you were lookin' for a stallion. I'm a stallion...
#153
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Dennis. (groans) You think Frank's got a point here?
#154
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I don't think he has a point. I'm a stallion.
#155
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(groaning) All right. This is messy.
#156
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Look, buddy.
#157
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2003 Dennis. Okay, he was Grade "A" prime beefcake.
#158
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No one is disputing that. He was a stallion.
#159
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But 2008 Dennis is in decline.
#160
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I bet if you pop those pants off,
#162
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you'll find a bird that just won't quit either,
#163
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and I think that'll come in handy in this situation.
#164
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I think the problem here is that your body quit.
#165
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Your bird quit.
#166
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And unfortunately, it's no longer legit.
#167
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What the hell are you talking about? My bird?
#168
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FRANK: Let's get back to business here.
#169
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Attention, ladies! I'm gonna need the "A" cups
#170
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to please head for the back door.
#171
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(music)
#172
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DEE: Charlie, ready with the camera?
#173
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Yeah. I'm trying to set it up. It takes a second.
#174
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Who the hell is this character that you're doing?
#175
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It's a really great one. Her name's Martina Martinez
#176
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and she is a streetwise Puerto Rican girl
#177
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who's always quick with a sassy comeback.
#178
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- You serious? - Yes. It's awesome.
#179
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Let's go over what we're doing again. I go up. I talk.
#180
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You come with the volleyball,
#181
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I'm gonna hit a random person in the face with a volleyball.
#183
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Don't come in too early, 'cause I got some material I wanna do
#184
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and I don't want you to cut me off.
#185
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Because "Saturday Night Live" is gonna really love...
#186
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- Do you really think that? - Charlie. Point it that way.
#187
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Go, go, go. Go. (clears throat)
#188
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I'm horrified that he's here.
#189
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(New York accent) Excuse me. Can I talk to youse?
#190
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What?
#191
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Youse a bunch of white boys, right? Can I ask you a question?
#192
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When you be in the clubs and you be dancin', why you look so stupid?
#193
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(laughs) I'm just playin'.
#194
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So, youse a big man, right, but you got such tiny boots on.
#195
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That means you got a small pecker. I'm sorry!
#196
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I'm just playin'. I'm Martina Martinez. (Charlie yelling)
#197
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- Oh! - Greenman!
#198
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Oh. (all laughing)
#199
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MAC: Okay, attention!
#200
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Ladies, gentlemen, hotties and beefcakes.
#201
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You were brought here 'cause you're the most beautiful people
#202
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n all of Philadelphia, and as such,
#203
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the honor has been bestowed upon all of you
#204
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- What is the pay? - The pay, sir,
#207
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s getting your face 40 feet up on a billboard!
#208
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- There's no pay then? - I just told you what the pay is.
#209
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- He told you what the pay was. - The billboard thing.
#210
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- Well, I'm outta here. - Fine. Fine! You leave!
#211
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We don't need you people. Everybody else!
#212
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Competitions like this aren't about money. They're about fame.
#214
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and saying, "I'm good enough because I beat everyone else."
#216
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"And I got myself up on a billboard."
#217
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DENNIS: Not so fast!
#218
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- The hell are you doin' here? - I want in the competition.
#219
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Approach.
#220
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Dennis, I told you. You don't have the right stuff.
#221
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I got the right stuff, Frank. I can win this thing. I know it!
#222
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All right. Judges' sidebar.
#223
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Do you wanna let him in?
#224
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He's been talking about this modeling thing for years.
#225
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If only to shut him up.
#226
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- You're in. - Oh, yeah! Yes!
#227
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(shouts and laughs)
#228
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(growl and mutters)
#229
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(laughs) Okay.
#230
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The first competition is the underwear competition.
#231
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Boom!
#232
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- How's your face, Dee? - How do you think it is, Charlie?
#233
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You kept hitting me over and over in the same spot with a volleyball.
#234
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And I was explicitly clear no more Greenman.
#235
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Greenman's what makes this thing work.
#236
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Greenman is not what makes it work, Charlie.
#237
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My characters are what make it work.
#238
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No more Greenman and we're not doing it anymore.
#239
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All right. Geez, relax.
#240
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You're nothing without Greenman.
#241
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Oh, shit. Dee, you know what?
#242
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This is... This is all, like, a bad frame and stuff.
#243
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This isn't gonna work. We gotta do it again.
#244
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DEE: What? - I meant the camera was too low...
#245
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(clears throat) Hey, diary. It's me.
#246
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It's Thursday, September 30th, about midnight.
#247
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I'm alone, of course, again,
#248
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and I just had a little bit too much ice cream.
#249
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Interesting.
#250
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- Frank, can I talk to you? - What's up?
#251
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Originally my plan was to just bang a bunch of models, right?
#252
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I feel like I could find my true love here.
#254
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You think you could fall in love with one of these broads?
#255
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Yeah, dude! Eventually I gotta settle down, right?
#256
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Spread my seed. Haven't you ever seen "The Bachelor"?
#257
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You get a whole bunch of them together,
#258
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you make them compete over you, bing, bang, boom, soul mate.
#259
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Woo-hoo. That sounds good. (chuckles)
#260
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Okay. You take the girls... and I'll take Dennis and the dudes.
#261
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- Really? - Yeah!
#262
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- You'll give me the girls? - Absolutely.
#263
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- I can have my own competition. - Awesome.
#264
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Frank, I don't understand it, but I don't care.
#265
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- Thanks, bud. - All right. See ya.
#266
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- All right. Whatever. Thank you. - All right.
#267
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Where are all my male models? Come forward. Come forward.
#268
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Today's theme is "barnyard."
#271
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Okay. Here is a baby pool that you are all gonna get into.
#273
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And there's a lot of hay, and there's some chickens and ducks.
#274
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What the hell? Is that supposed to be dirt? It smells like shit.
#275
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It is shit. This is a barnyard.
#276
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No one is going to step in shit, all right...
#277
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Rex, are you kidding me? Seriously? You're gonna step right in?
#278
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I wanna win, bro. Billboard.
#279
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(music)
#280
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Dee, what is this getup? What are you doing? What is that?
#281
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(Chinese accent) Oh, okay. This is Taiwan Tammy.
#282
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She on runway and do a drag queen and nails. Oh, thank you.
#283
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Are you kidding me? That is extremely racist!
#284
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(laughs) Isn't it awesome? I'm so excited about this one.
#285
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Good luck to you on that.
#286
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Why are your hands in your pockets?
#287
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- They're itchy. - Your hands are itchy?
#288
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Your hands are in your pockets 'cause they're itchy?
#289
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Goddamn it! I knew it! Charlie, what are you doing?
#290
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- I said no Greenman! - Greenman sells this whole thing!
#291
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It doesn't make any sense! Goddamn it, Charlie!
#292
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- Hey! I know you. - What?
#293
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Yeah. You that girl. PatheticGirl43.
#294
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Pathetic girl?
#295
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I almost didn't recognize you in that getup.
#296
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But I'd recognize that whiny voice anywhere. Yeah!
#297
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- Let's get a picture! - My friends ain't gonna believe it.
#299
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- You saw the YouTube thing, right? - Charlie, what is going on?
#300
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I'll show you later.
#301
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in a place where a sexually active person should have a rash.
#303
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Greenman! (cartoon sound effects)
#304
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