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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S08E09 — The Gang Dines Out
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Season 8, Episode 9 — The Gang Dines Out
Pretty crowded tonight, huh?
#1
⇓
Yeah, well, it's Gugino's, you know, best restaurant in Philadelphia.
#2
⇓
To our monthly dinner.
#3
⇓
Oh, monthly dinner, baby.
#4
⇓
I tell you, I've been looking forward to this for... 29 days!
#5
⇓
Me, too.
#6
⇓
I did my hair good, and I wore two colognes.
#7
⇓
Is that what that is?
#8
⇓
Mm.
#9
⇓
That was an interesting choice, but I get it, dude.
#10
⇓
You're excited.
#11
⇓
You are excited about tonight.
#12
⇓
Hey, hell, I'm excited tonight, you know?
#13
⇓
Not terribly excited about being near the kitchen, though.
#14
⇓
Really? It's where the action is.
#15
⇓
Maybe we'll get lucky and watch one of these dumb-ass waiters
#16
⇓
spill spaghetti sauce all over himself.
#17
⇓
And fall down or something.
#18
⇓
Okay, all right.
#19
⇓
Well, let's not be childish.
#20
⇓
Let's-let's keep it classy.
#21
⇓
You know, let's... Classy.
#22
⇓
I can do classy.
#23
⇓
I can be classy.
#24
⇓
Did you invite Frank and Charlie?
#25
⇓
No, I didn't.
#26
⇓
Hi.
#27
⇓
Hi.
#28
⇓
How many will you guys be?
#29
⇓
Two. And give us a nice table.
#30
⇓
This is a big night for us.
#31
⇓
We're celebrating our anniversary.
#32
⇓
Or the anniversary of us moving in together, which is like an
#33
⇓
anniver... it's been a long time.
#34
⇓
Anniversary is what it is, really.
#35
⇓
Well, great.
#36
⇓
Uh... oh, okay, oh, okay, uh... You can just hand that to me.
#37
⇓
I was trying to feel your breast.
#38
⇓
I got that.
#39
⇓
Yeah, but he was trying to feel your breast and give you
#40
⇓
the tip so that we got a good table.
#41
⇓
I want a good table.
#42
⇓
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey!
#43
⇓
Mac and Dennis are here.
#44
⇓
Should we sit with them?
#45
⇓
Really?
#46
⇓
Mm, Charlie, this is our night.
#47
⇓
Yeah, but we could all celebrate it together.
#48
⇓
That'd be fun.
#49
⇓
We can do our thing.
#50
⇓
They can do their thing.
#51
⇓
I'm sure at some point they'll come over to pay tribute.
#52
⇓
We can say hi to them then.
#53
⇓
That's weird.
#54
⇓
I know Charlie sees me, but they seem to be sitting at their own table.
#55
⇓
Well, good.
#56
⇓
Good, they should sit at their own table.
#57
⇓
Look, I'm sure at some point they'll come over and they'll pay tribute to us.
#58
⇓
They know it's our monthly dinner.
#59
⇓
We can say hi to them then.
#60
⇓
Yeah, still, seems kind of awkward, though.
#61
⇓
No. Look, we spend every waking minute together.
#62
⇓
It will be good for us to keep our distance for once.
#63
⇓
It's one minor coincidence.
#64
⇓
Doesn't go any further than that.
#65
⇓
Goddamn it.
#66
⇓
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
#67
⇓
Of all the goddamn nights.
#68
⇓
Can't believe they haven't come over to pay me tribute yet.
#69
⇓
I was here first.
#70
⇓
I know they see me.
#71
⇓
They're probably over there right now making fun of me.
#72
⇓
I get it, guys.
#73
⇓
You know what they're doing?
#74
⇓
They're calling me "Scarecrow."
#75
⇓
'Cause I'm all alone in the cornfields, scaring away the other birds.
#76
⇓
Real funny.
#77
⇓
You know what?
#78
⇓
There's no shame in a woman, an adult woman, taking herself out
#79
⇓
to dinner, enjoying her own company... I'm not gonna leave.
#80
⇓
I'm not gonna leave because I don't have to, and also I can't
#81
⇓
because I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight.
#82
⇓
It does expire tonight, doesn't it?
#83
⇓
Uh, yeah.
#84
⇓
I... Yes, it does.
#85
⇓
I'm sorry.
#86
⇓
Are you going to order now?
#87
⇓
Well, I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
#88
⇓
Why don't you sit down for a little while?
#89
⇓
Take a break.
#90
⇓
Oh! Are you almost off?
#91
⇓
Are you off soon?
#92
⇓
Should you sit and have dinner with me tonight?
#93
⇓
No, got a long shift.
#94
⇓
Uh, I cannot do that.
#95
⇓
Uh, maybe I could at least get a drink order?
#96
⇓
We're really busy tonight.
#97
⇓
Does the Groupon cover drinks?
#98
⇓
Nope.
#99
⇓
Just the tap water, then.
#100
⇓
I can't believe this.
#101
⇓
They still haven't paid tribute.
#102
⇓
It's been ten minutes.
#103
⇓
Not a wave, not a nod.
#104
⇓
Have you seen them do anything to acknowledge us?
#105
⇓
I thought we agreed that we would not let it get to us.
#106
⇓
It's not getting to me.
#107
⇓
It's just, you know, a little bit rude, is all I'm saying.
#108
⇓
It's, you know, irritating.
#109
⇓
Whatever, I don't care.
#110
⇓
I'm... I'm over it.
#111
⇓
'Kay.
#112
⇓
How good is their table, though?
#113
⇓
Oh, um... Don't-don't look directly at them.
#114
⇓
Jesus Christ, just, you know, glance around the room a little
#115
⇓
bit, and just, you know, land on them.
#116
⇓
Glance around the room?
#117
⇓
Yeah.
#118
⇓
Too obvious!
#119
⇓
Well, how do you want me to look at them?
#120
⇓
With your eyes, just look with your eyes.
#121
⇓
Be subtle, be small.
#122
⇓
My eyes, they slant down.
#123
⇓
I don't have a good peripheral.
#124
⇓
Okay, can you just be subtle?
#125
⇓
It's a good table.
#126
⇓
It's a good table.
#127
⇓
How'd they get a better table than us?
#128
⇓
Uh, I don't know.
#129
⇓
Dennis, can we just focus on us?
#130
⇓
Yeah.
#131
⇓
It's our monthly dinner, all right?
#132
⇓
Don't let them ruin it.
#133
⇓
Okay?
#134
⇓
I have some issues that I want to talk to you... Aw, shit. Really?
#135
⇓
No, I... Look, let's-let's keep things light; I don't want to get all heavy.
#136
⇓
Let's not let tonight become more unpleasant than it's already become, okay?
#137
⇓
I mean, already I'm irritated.
#138
⇓
I'm... I'm already sitting in the wobbliest chair in the entire restaurant.
#139
⇓
All right, well, we'll just ask the waiter for a book of matches.
#140
⇓
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.
#141
⇓
Look, I'll just scoot back.
#142
⇓
It's fine. It's fine.
#143
⇓
Oh, but now I feel like... you're sitting so far away from me.
#144
⇓
It's gonna be fine!
#145
⇓
This is a perfectly suitable distance for us to have our monthly dinner.
#146
⇓
Goddamn it.
#147
⇓
I am so sorry.
#148
⇓
Are you?!
#149
⇓
His chair's wobbly.
#150
⇓
Oh, okay.
#151
⇓
Let me get you a book of matches to put under there.
#152
⇓
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.
#153
⇓
Dennis, it's not like your chair's gonna catch on fire.
#154
⇓
Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about my chair catching on fire.
#155
⇓
Look, sir, can you just get us a better table in general?
#156
⇓
Unfortunately, no.
#157
⇓
We're fully booked tonight due to a Groupon deal.
#158
⇓
Oh, that sounds excellent.
#159
⇓
We'll have one of those.
#160
⇓
No, we won't.
#161
⇓
We don't need a coupon.
#162
⇓
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people.
#163
⇓
This is Gugino's.
#164
⇓
You're supposed to be the nicest restaurant in Philadelphia.
#165
⇓
Here I am, a regular, a full-paying customer, and I'm sat by the kitchen on the
#166
⇓
wobbliest chair in Philadelphia.
#167
⇓
You know, forced to eat dinner with this swarm of coupon-waving trash.
#168
⇓
This is crazy!
#169
⇓
You know what?
#170
⇓
Forget it, doesn't matter.
#171
⇓
Get me a pile of matches to sit on... that'll be fine.
#172
⇓
Okay.
#173
⇓
No, wait, wait, wait.
#174
⇓
There's more.
#175
⇓
There's an old, short, fat man here.
#176
⇓
He's sat with his young sleeping partner.
#177
⇓
Bring them a glass of the house red from us.
#178
⇓
Of course.
#179
⇓
Although the table did just order cocktails, so maybe...
#180
⇓
I don't need their entire life story.
#181
⇓
Just go get the wine.
#182
⇓
Well, that was a nice gesture.
#183
⇓
Was it?
#184
⇓
Charlie.
#185
⇓
Hmm?
#186
⇓
Stop looking over there.
#187
⇓
Can we just go over and say a quick hello, all right?
#188
⇓
Then it's done with.
#189
⇓
There's no more awkwardness.
#190
⇓
Charlie, I am the oldest one in the group.
#191
⇓
If anybody's gonna say a quick hello, it's them to me.
#192
⇓
I just feel like it's gonna become a bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?
#193
⇓
Then forget it.
#194
⇓
Yeah?
#195
⇓
This is our night, Charlie.
#196
⇓
All right.
#197
⇓
Listen. I prepared a few words for the evening.
#198
⇓
All right?
#199
⇓
Okay.
#200
⇓
All right.
#201
⇓
Charlie, I want to talk about where we are.
#202
⇓
Where we've been.
#203
⇓
And where we're going to be.
#204
⇓
Where are we going?
#205
⇓
Don't interrupt.
#206
⇓
Living with you has... changed my life.
#207
⇓
I-I used to be unaware... Hi, sorry to bother you.
#208
⇓
What are you doing, man?
#209
⇓
I'm in the middle of something here.
#210
⇓
Get out of here!
#211
⇓
Of course.
#212
⇓
I just wanted to deliver a glass of our house red from the two
#213
⇓
gentlemen near the kitchen.
#214
⇓
Beat it.
#215
⇓
Well, great.
#216
⇓
See, there's your tribute, Frank.
#217
⇓
Awesome.
#218
⇓
Now can we go over and say a quick hello?
#219
⇓
No, no.
#220
⇓
I'm in the middle of saying some words to you.
#221
⇓
Yeah, but you said 'em, and they were weird, like... All right, you know what?
#222
⇓
How about I just stand and I bow?
#223
⇓
No. Ignore them.
#224
⇓
This is ridiculous.
#225
⇓
I mean, that was a very nice gesture.
#226
⇓
Was it?
#227
⇓
One glass of wine for two people, and house red?
#228
⇓
That wasn't nice.
#229
⇓
They're just trying to agitate us.
#230
⇓
Mm.
#231
⇓
Well, two can play at that game.
#232
⇓
Hey.
#233
⇓
Ooh, hey!
#234
⇓
You, help.
#235
⇓
Over here.
#236
⇓
Me?
#237
⇓
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please.
#238
⇓
Help. Help me.
#239
⇓
Sit, sit, please sit.
#240
⇓
Help.
#241
⇓
Is everything okay?
#242
⇓
No, everything's not okay.
#243
⇓
There are men here, and they're watching me.
#244
⇓
Oh, shit!
#245
⇓
Shh!
#246
⇓
Just look at me, just look right at me.
#247
⇓
Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a lot of shit. Okay?
#248
⇓
So I need your help.
#249
⇓
Oh, good.
#250
⇓
You have a friend.
#251
⇓
Hi.
#252
⇓
Can I take your order now?
#253
⇓
Yes.
#254
⇓
I'm not with her.
#255
⇓
There is some shit going down right now.
#256
⇓
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
#257
⇓
He's just...
#258
⇓
Please, let's order.
#259
⇓
Look, you told me you was in trouble.
#260
⇓
I don't know what's happening here.
#261
⇓
No, it's okay, I'm fine.
#262
⇓
Do you want to split an appetizer?
#263
⇓
No, I don't need this shit.
#264
⇓
Well... oh.
#265
⇓
You know, if you just order, we can get your food out really
#266
⇓
quickly, and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about being
#267
⇓
here alone for very long.
#268
⇓
All right?
#269
⇓
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
#270
⇓
I-I'm gonna go ahead and order when I'm goddamn good and ready to order.
#271
⇓
Is that table having a meal consisting only of loud noise,
#272
⇓
screams, and hollers?
#273
⇓
Uh, they seem to be celebrating something.
#274
⇓
Ooh, could be a tactical victory.
#275
⇓
What do you think?
#276
⇓
Sure.
#277
⇓
Whoo!
#278
⇓
Okay, how's the chair now?
#279
⇓
Still wobbly.
#280
⇓
Why don't you just get me a new chair?
#281
⇓
I don't think it's the chair.
#282
⇓
You don't think it's the chair?
#283
⇓
Well, maybe my old pal, uh, Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.
#284
⇓
Oh, okay, yeah, uh... You can just hand it to me.
#285
⇓
Hello.
#286
⇓
Your waiter.
#287
⇓
Great.
#288
⇓
Hi.
#289
⇓
Can you get him a new chair?
#290
⇓
Sure.
#291
⇓
Oh, oh!
#292
⇓
Maybe this George Washington will make it come here faster.
#293
⇓
Okay.
#294
⇓
This wine is for you.
#295
⇓
Ah, management sent us a bottle to accommodate us.
#296
⇓
Actually, it was your friends over at the other table.
#297
⇓
And they wanted me to relay to you that it's our most expensive bottle.
#298
⇓
They said to say that.
#299
⇓
That's a classy move.
#300
⇓
I'm gonna stand up and bow.
#301
⇓
No. Do not stand and bow.
#302
⇓
Let me think.
#303
⇓
We've got to do something in return.
#304
⇓
Mm-hmm.
#305
⇓
I'll tell you what.
#306
⇓
We'll send it back.
#307
⇓
You know?
#308
⇓
We'll say, we don't want that.
#309
⇓
You know? We'll-we'll tell them that, uh, what is it, Chilean
#310
⇓
wine is out of season, and that their taste in wine in general is very poor.
#311
⇓
No, that's... we got to be more subtle than that.
#312
⇓
I don't want them to know that we're thinking about them.
#313
⇓
What are you doing?
#314
⇓
What are you doing?
#315
⇓
Are you staring at them?
#316
⇓
Yeah, dude, Charlie's looking right at me.
#317
⇓
Stop it.
#318
⇓
Dude, stop it.
#319
⇓
Okay, stop looking, stop... All right, you know what, goddamn it?
#320
⇓
I'm just gonna pour the wine out.
#321
⇓
Goddamn it!
#322
⇓
That son of a bitch is pouring out my wine.
#323
⇓
Look... can you just let it go, Frank?
#324
⇓
Okay?
#325
⇓
You're ruining this night for me, okay?
#326
⇓
I-I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for pouring out a glass of wine.
#327
⇓
I want to go over there.
#328
⇓
Yeah.
#329
⇓
Yeah, yeah.
#330
⇓
Just like he had a perfectly good reason for not inviting you to dinner.
#331
⇓
He had a good... Wait.
#332
⇓
What do you mean by that?
#333
⇓
Don't make me say it, Charlie.
#334
⇓
I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
#335
⇓
Well, let's just say that I am.
#336
⇓
Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie.
#337
⇓
You bought a business together;
#338
⇓
they made you a janitor.
#339
⇓
Eh, they didn't make me a janitor; there was a... Mm?
#340
⇓
Oh, my God.
#341
⇓
It's time to fire back.
#342
⇓
Aw, I gotta get over there.
#343
⇓
Hi, ma'am. Sorry to bug you again.
#344
⇓
Oh, my God.
#345
⇓
I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.
#346
⇓
Oh, great.
#347
⇓
Didn't expect that.
#348
⇓
Uh, actually, I was coming over to see if I could take your chair.
#349
⇓
What? No.
#350
⇓
What for?
#351
⇓
I'm trying to accommodate that gentleman over there.
#352
⇓
Oh, goddamn it.
#353
⇓
Uh, that's a dig.
#354
⇓
All right, fine.
#355
⇓
Take the chair, but I tell you what, when you're over there?
#356
⇓
Tie his shoelaces together.
#357
⇓
You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together?
#358
⇓
Uh... Look, I'm in the biz, guy.
#359
⇓
I'm a waitress, okay?
#360
⇓
Look, let's team up and stick it to that guy.
#361
⇓
It'll be hilarious.
#362
⇓
I would lose my job.
#363
⇓
Uh...
#364
⇓
"Oh, no, I-I would lose my job.
#365
⇓
And I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, and my
#366
⇓
family, and they'd be so disappointed 'cause they're currently so proud of my
#367
⇓
accomplishments."
#368
⇓
I mean, God, lighten up, guy.
#369
⇓
I'm gonna take the chair.
#370
⇓
Fine, take the goddamn chair.
#371
⇓
Just don't make a big scene.
#372
⇓
How's the new chair?
#373
⇓
Oh, it's terrible, Mac.
#374
⇓
Thank you for asking.
#375
⇓
It might be worse than the first one.
#376
⇓
I mean, I cannot find a single flat spot in this entire restaurant.
#377
⇓
Maybe that's it. I'm just... Goddamn it!
#378
⇓
This entire night is ruined.
#379
⇓
Dude, stop it!
#380
⇓
Okay?
#381
⇓
You're the one who's ruining this.
#382
⇓
I am enjoying myself.
#383
⇓
I'm enjoying our table.
#384
⇓
I'm trying to start the conversations.
#385
⇓
I wore two colognes.
#386
⇓
Oh, I'm very aware of how much cologne you're wearing, Mac.
#387
⇓
It's overwhelming me.
#388
⇓
I mean, every time the goddamn kitchen door opens, it wafts into my face.
#389
⇓
Hey, I like the way I smell.
#390
⇓
And I like me.
#391
⇓
And I haven't even gotten to talk about what I wanted to talk
#392
⇓
about, which is an issue that has been weighing on me, so I'm
#393
⇓
just gonna say it, okay?
#394
⇓
When I wanted to get the karaoke machine for our apartment, you
#395
⇓
laughed in my face.
#396
⇓
That's what this is about?
#397
⇓
Yes.
#398
⇓
The karaoke machine?
#399
⇓
Mac, you can't sing.
#400
⇓
It's not about singing!
#401
⇓
Okay?
#402
⇓
It's about you always putting me down, and... you know what?
#403
⇓
I don't care; it doesn't matter.
#404
⇓
I'm out of here.
#405
⇓
Where you going?
#406
⇓
I'm gonna go sit with Frank and Charlie.
#407
⇓
Do not go to them.
#408
⇓
No, sit down, sit.
#409
⇓
Sit!
#410
⇓
Say something nice to me.
#411
⇓
What?
#412
⇓
I'm not going to sit down until you say something nice to
#413
⇓
me for once in your life.
#414
⇓
Your hair looks small.
#415
⇓
Oh, for... Okay, okay, okay, man.
#416
⇓
All right, sit down, sit down.
#417
⇓
Sit.
#418
⇓
Please sit down.
#419
⇓
Okay, listen, listen.
#420
⇓
You remember that night at Dooley's pool party?
#421
⇓
On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist
#422
⇓
and blew everybody's tits off?
#423
⇓
You remember that?
#424
⇓
And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando on the trampoline later that night?
#425
⇓
You're just complimenting yourself.
#426
⇓
No, listen, I'm going somewhere with this.
#427
⇓
The only reason I was even able to attempt that amazing feat of
#428
⇓
courage was... because I knew if I failed, you would...
#429
⇓
Everybody.
#430
⇓
Hello!
#431
⇓
All the patrons of Gugino's, listen up.
#432
⇓
Hi, everybody.
#433
⇓
Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.
#434
⇓
We would like to make a toast.
#435
⇓
Now, in front of you, you each see, you have a glass of sambuca?
#436
⇓
You see this white, beautiful drink?
#437
⇓
Yeah. Okay, everyone got it?
#438
⇓
Yeah.
#439
⇓
Dude, everybody has sambuca but us.
#440
⇓
Now we have an American hero tonight, so quick round of
#441
⇓
applause for our troop here.
#442
⇓
Nice-looking fellow.
#443
⇓
And to anyone who does not have a glass of sambuca... Look around now.
#444
⇓
You'll see them.
#445
⇓
Those people refuse to drink.
#446
⇓
Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute.
#447
⇓
They hate America!
#448
⇓
They hate the troops.
#449
⇓
Mm.
#450
⇓
They hate the people who work hardest for them.
#451
⇓
They turn them into janitors.
#452
⇓
Mm, mm.
#453
⇓
It's not right. Aah!
#454
⇓
Damn 'em to hell.
#455
⇓
To the troops!
#456
⇓
To the troops.
#457
⇓
Cheers.
#458
⇓
To America!
#459
⇓
Good job, fellas.
#460
⇓
We did it.
#461
⇓
This is unbelievable, Mac.
#462
⇓
You know, and they totally ruined our heartfelt moment.
#463
⇓
Now, there's a way we can get it back... if you just kind of jump...
#464
⇓
No, you fool!
#465
⇓
That time has passed.
#466
⇓
Can't you see they're humiliating us?
#467
⇓
Just tell me what you were gonna tell me.
#468
⇓
I'm not gonna stand for this.
#469
⇓
I'm not.
#470
⇓
Just, Dennis... Come on, man!
#471
⇓
Goddamn it!
#472
⇓
Ma'am?
#473
⇓
Uh-huh.
#474
⇓
Please return to your table?
#475
⇓
Oh, you know what?
#476
⇓
I'm gonna sit next to the hero.
#477
⇓
I used to date a troop.
#478
⇓
He was crazy for jean shorts.
#479
⇓
Attention, uh, attention, everyone, please.
#480
⇓
If I could have your attention momentarily. Thank you.
#481
⇓
We do have an American hero in the house tonight.
#482
⇓
A strong man, a brave man.
#483
⇓
He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is.
#484
⇓
He doesn't hide under a toupee.
#485
⇓
He faces his challenges, instead of just retreating to the
#486
⇓
sewers... nude to forage for rings and coins.
#487
⇓
Or to the toilets.
#488
⇓
Or to a life filled with rats.
#489
⇓
He's the kind of man who gives me the courage to do an amazing
#490
⇓
double jackknife twist, which I did.
#491
⇓
Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that.
#492
⇓
I did it.
#493
⇓
And to go down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later,
#494
⇓
on the very same night, which I also did.
#495
⇓
And I licked her asshole a little bit.
#496
⇓
It was pretty good.
#497
⇓
It was all right.
#498
⇓
It wasn't great.
#499
⇓
But it was fine.
#500
⇓
And I knew that it was gonna be fine because this guy would be
#501
⇓
here to catch me if I faltered.
#502
⇓
Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around.
#503
⇓
* Did you ever know That you're my hero?
#504
⇓
'Cause you are the wind Beneath my wings. *
#505
⇓
Thank you.
#506
⇓
Thanks.
#507
⇓
Thank you.
#508
⇓
Wow, dude.
#509
⇓
I mean, that was so touching.
#510
⇓
Oh.
#511
⇓
That's an amazing thing you said about the troop.
#512
⇓
Now, can we get back to the karaoke machine?
#513
⇓
Because I... I was talking about you.
#514
⇓
That was about me?
#515
⇓
Yes. He wasn't there when I went down on Chrissy Orlando.
#516
⇓
I did not get that at all.
#517
⇓
I'm sor... Dennis, that's really sweet.
#518
⇓
Thank you.
#519
⇓
I'm sorry. What's happening?
#520
⇓
Is it freezing in here all of a sudden?
#521
⇓
Yeah, and it's... freezing.
#522
⇓
Air is blowing directly on us. What...?
#523
⇓
I mean, what is happening?
#524
⇓
Those goddamn sons of bitches.
#525
⇓
They turned up the A/C.
#526
⇓
Because they knew we were sitting right underneath a vent.
#527
⇓
And they're trying to freeze us out.
#528
⇓
I didn't have your back before, but now I'm gonna be the wind
#529
⇓
beneath your wings.
#530
⇓
I'm gonna smash this over their goddamn heads.
#531
⇓
Yes, Mac. Yes! Yes!
#532
⇓
I'm gonna blast 'em with this fire extinguisher.
#533
⇓
Okay, I'll toss hot soup in their faces.
#534
⇓
I'll pinch their dicks with this lobster.
#535
⇓
Let's do it.
#536
⇓
What are you people doing?
#537
⇓
Excuse me. Excuse me.
#538
⇓
What are you people doing?
#539
⇓
Son a bitch!
#540
⇓
Hey, his shoelaces are tied together.
#541
⇓
What?
#542
⇓
Oh, my God!
#543
⇓
Somebody tied his shoelaces together.
#544
⇓
His shoes are tied.
#545
⇓
Spaghetti-O, the waiter.
#546
⇓
I've wanted to see that all night long.
#547
⇓
Yes. Yes. Oh, my God, who do we have to thank for this?
#548
⇓
Who?
#549
⇓
Oops.
#550
⇓
Deandra did it?
#551
⇓
Oh! Dee did it! It was Dee.
#552
⇓
Dee.
#553
⇓
Have you been here this entire time?
#554
⇓
Yeah, the whole time.
#555
⇓
Oh, great job, Dee.
#556
⇓
Great job.
#557
⇓
Oh, Dee.
#558
⇓
Hey, clash. Salud, huh?
#559
⇓
Salud.
#560
⇓
Guys? Guys, I'm really hurt.
#561
⇓
Back at the table!
#562
⇓
I want to hear some jokes out of you tonight.
#563
⇓
You want to try this coat on?
#564
⇓
It's gotta look good on you, dude. Put that hat on.
#565
⇓
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
#566
⇓
Of all the goddamn nights.
#567
⇓
Can't believe they haven't come over to pay me tribute yet.
#568
⇓
I was here first.
#569
⇓
I know they see me.
#570
⇓
They're probably over there right now making fun of me.
#571
⇓
I get it, guys.
#572
⇓
You know what they're doing?
#573
⇓
They're calling me "Scarecrow."
#574
⇓
Real funny.
#576
⇓
You know what?
#577
⇓
There's no shame in a woman, an adult woman, taking herself out
#578
⇓
to dinner, enjoying her own company... I'm not gonna leave.
#579
⇓
I'm not gonna leave because I don't have to, and also I can't
#580
⇓
because I have a Groupon for this evening that expires tonight.
#581
⇓
It does expire tonight, doesn't it?
#582
⇓
Uh, yeah.
#583
⇓
I... Yes, it does.
#584
⇓
Are you going to order now?
#586
⇓
Well, I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
#587
⇓
Why don't you sit down for a little while?
#588
⇓
Take a break.
#589
⇓
Oh! Are you almost off?
#590
⇓
Are you off soon?
#591
⇓
Should you sit and have dinner with me tonight?
#592
⇓
No, got a long shift.
#593
⇓
Uh, I cannot do that.
#594
⇓
We're really busy tonight.
#596
⇓
Nope.
#598
⇓
Just the tap water, then.
#599
⇓
I can't believe this.
#600
⇓
They still haven't paid tribute.
#601
⇓
It's been ten minutes.
#602
⇓
Not a wave, not a nod.
#603
⇓
I thought we agreed that we would not let it get to us.
#605
⇓
It's not getting to me.
#606
⇓
It's just, you know, a little bit rude, is all I'm saying.
#607
⇓
It's, you know, irritating.
#608
⇓
Whatever, I don't care.
#609
⇓
I'm... I'm over it.
#610
⇓
Jesus Christ, just, you know, glance around the room a little
#614
⇓
bit, and just, you know, land on them.
#615
⇓
Glance around the room?
#616
⇓
Yeah.
#617
⇓
Too obvious!
#618
⇓
Well, how do you want me to look at them?
#619
⇓
Be subtle, be small.
#621
⇓
My eyes, they slant down.
#622
⇓
I don't have a good peripheral.
#623
⇓
It's a good table.
#625
⇓
It's a good table.
#626
⇓
How'd they get a better table than us?
#627
⇓
Dennis, can we just focus on us?
#629
⇓
Yeah.
#630
⇓
It's our monthly dinner, all right?
#631
⇓
Don't let them ruin it.
#632
⇓
Okay?
#633
⇓
No, I... Look, let's-let's keep things light; I don't want to get all heavy.
#635
⇓
Let's not let tonight become more unpleasant than it's already become, okay?
#636
⇓
I mean, already I'm irritated.
#637
⇓
I'm... I'm already sitting in the wobbliest chair in the entire restaurant.
#638
⇓
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.
#640
⇓
Look, I'll just scoot back.
#641
⇓
It's fine. It's fine.
#642
⇓
Oh, but now I feel like... you're sitting so far away from me.
#643
⇓
It's gonna be fine!
#644
⇓
This is a perfectly suitable distance for us to have our monthly dinner.
#645
⇓
Goddamn it.
#646
⇓
I am so sorry.
#647
⇓
Are you?!
#648
⇓
His chair's wobbly.
#649
⇓
Oh, okay.
#650
⇓
Let me get you a book of matches to put under there.
#651
⇓
I don't want to sit on a pile of matches.
#652
⇓
Dennis, it's not like your chair's gonna catch on fire.
#653
⇓
Oh, Christ, I'm not worried about my chair catching on fire.
#654
⇓
Unfortunately, no.
#656
⇓
We're fully booked tonight due to a Groupon deal.
#657
⇓
Oh, that sounds excellent.
#658
⇓
We'll have one of those.
#659
⇓
No, we won't.
#660
⇓
We don't need a coupon.
#661
⇓
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you people.
#662
⇓
This is Gugino's.
#663
⇓
Here I am, a regular, a full-paying customer, and I'm sat by the kitchen on the
#665
⇓
wobbliest chair in Philadelphia.
#666
⇓
You know, forced to eat dinner with this swarm of coupon-waving trash.
#667
⇓
This is crazy!
#668
⇓
You know what?
#669
⇓
Forget it, doesn't matter.
#670
⇓
Okay.
#672
⇓
No, wait, wait, wait.
#673
⇓
There's more.
#674
⇓
There's an old, short, fat man here.
#675
⇓
Bring them a glass of the house red from us.
#677
⇓
Of course.
#678
⇓
Although the table did just order cocktails, so maybe...
#679
⇓
I don't need their entire life story.
#680
⇓
Just go get the wine.
#681
⇓
Well, that was a nice gesture.
#682
⇓
Was it?
#683
⇓
Charlie.
#684
⇓
Hmm?
#685
⇓
Stop looking over there.
#686
⇓
Then it's done with.
#688
⇓
There's no more awkwardness.
#689
⇓
Charlie, I am the oldest one in the group.
#690
⇓
If anybody's gonna say a quick hello, it's them to me.
#691
⇓
I just feel like it's gonna become a bigger deal than it needs to be, you know?
#692
⇓
Then forget it.
#693
⇓
Yeah?
#694
⇓
All right.
#696
⇓
Listen. I prepared a few words for the evening.
#697
⇓
All right?
#698
⇓
Okay.
#699
⇓
All right.
#700
⇓
Charlie, I want to talk about where we are.
#701
⇓
Where we've been.
#702
⇓
And where we're going to be.
#703
⇓
Where are we going?
#704
⇓
Don't interrupt.
#705
⇓
I-I used to be unaware... Hi, sorry to bother you.
#707
⇓
What are you doing, man?
#708
⇓
I'm in the middle of something here.
#709
⇓
Get out of here!
#710
⇓
Of course.
#711
⇓
gentlemen near the kitchen.
#713
⇓
Beat it.
#714
⇓
Well, great.
#715
⇓
See, there's your tribute, Frank.
#716
⇓
Awesome.
#717
⇓
Now can we go over and say a quick hello?
#718
⇓
No, no.
#719
⇓
I'm in the middle of saying some words to you.
#720
⇓
No. Ignore them.
#723
⇓
This is ridiculous.
#724
⇓
I mean, that was a very nice gesture.
#725
⇓
Was it?
#726
⇓
One glass of wine for two people, and house red?
#727
⇓
That wasn't nice.
#728
⇓
They're just trying to agitate us.
#729
⇓
Mm.
#730
⇓
Well, two can play at that game.
#731
⇓
Hey.
#732
⇓
Ooh, hey!
#733
⇓
You, help.
#734
⇓
Me?
#736
⇓
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you, please.
#737
⇓
Help. Help me.
#738
⇓
Sit, sit, please sit.
#739
⇓
Help.
#740
⇓
Is everything okay?
#741
⇓
No, everything's not okay.
#742
⇓
There are men here, and they're watching me.
#743
⇓
Oh, shit!
#744
⇓
Shh!
#745
⇓
Just look at me, just look right at me.
#746
⇓
Everything's gonna be fine, but I'm in a lot of shit. Okay?
#747
⇓
So I need your help.
#748
⇓
Oh, good.
#749
⇓
You have a friend.
#750
⇓
Hi.
#751
⇓
Can I take your order now?
#752
⇓
Yes.
#753
⇓
I'm not with her.
#754
⇓
There is some shit going down right now.
#755
⇓
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
#756
⇓
He's just...
#757
⇓
Please, let's order.
#758
⇓
Look, you told me you was in trouble.
#759
⇓
I don't know what's happening here.
#760
⇓
No, it's okay, I'm fine.
#761
⇓
Do you want to split an appetizer?
#762
⇓
No, I don't need this shit.
#763
⇓
Well... oh.
#764
⇓
You know, if you just order, we can get your food out really
#765
⇓
quickly, and you wouldn't have to be embarrassed about being
#766
⇓
here alone for very long.
#767
⇓
All right?
#768
⇓
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
#769
⇓
I-I'm gonna go ahead and order when I'm goddamn good and ready to order.
#770
⇓
Is that table having a meal consisting only of loud noise,
#771
⇓
screams, and hollers?
#772
⇓
Uh, they seem to be celebrating something.
#773
⇓
Ooh, could be a tactical victory.
#774
⇓
What do you think?
#775
⇓
Sure.
#776
⇓
Whoo!
#777
⇓
Okay, how's the chair now?
#778
⇓
Still wobbly.
#779
⇓
Why don't you just get me a new chair?
#780
⇓
I don't think it's the chair.
#781
⇓
You don't think it's the chair?
#782
⇓
Well, maybe my old pal, uh, Abraham Lincoln begs to differ.
#783
⇓
Oh, okay, yeah, uh... You can just hand it to me.
#784
⇓
Hello.
#785
⇓
Your waiter.
#786
⇓
Great.
#787
⇓
Hi.
#788
⇓
Can you get him a new chair?
#789
⇓
Sure.
#790
⇓
Oh, oh!
#791
⇓
Maybe this George Washington will make it come here faster.
#792
⇓
Okay.
#793
⇓
This wine is for you.
#794
⇓
Ah, management sent us a bottle to accommodate us.
#795
⇓
Actually, it was your friends over at the other table.
#796
⇓
And they wanted me to relay to you that it's our most expensive bottle.
#797
⇓
They said to say that.
#798
⇓
That's a classy move.
#799
⇓
I'm gonna stand up and bow.
#800
⇓
No. Do not stand and bow.
#801
⇓
Let me think.
#802
⇓
We've got to do something in return.
#803
⇓
Mm-hmm.
#804
⇓
I'll tell you what.
#805
⇓
We'll send it back.
#806
⇓
You know?
#807
⇓
We'll say, we don't want that.
#808
⇓
You know? We'll-we'll tell them that, uh, what is it, Chilean
#809
⇓
wine is out of season, and that their taste in wine in general is very poor.
#810
⇓
No, that's... we got to be more subtle than that.
#811
⇓
I don't want them to know that we're thinking about them.
#812
⇓
What are you doing?
#813
⇓
What are you doing?
#814
⇓
Are you staring at them?
#815
⇓
Yeah, dude, Charlie's looking right at me.
#816
⇓
Stop it.
#817
⇓
Dude, stop it.
#818
⇓
Okay, stop looking, stop... All right, you know what, goddamn it?
#819
⇓
I'm just gonna pour the wine out.
#820
⇓
Goddamn it!
#821
⇓
That son of a bitch is pouring out my wine.
#822
⇓
Look... can you just let it go, Frank?
#823
⇓
Okay?
#824
⇓
You're ruining this night for me, okay?
#825
⇓
I-I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for pouring out a glass of wine.
#826
⇓
I want to go over there.
#827
⇓
Yeah.
#828
⇓
Yeah, yeah.
#829
⇓
Just like he had a perfectly good reason for not inviting you to dinner.
#830
⇓
He had a good... Wait.
#831
⇓
What do you mean by that?
#832
⇓
Don't make me say it, Charlie.
#833
⇓
I know you're not as dumb as you seem.
#834
⇓
Well, let's just say that I am.
#835
⇓
Those two guys don't give a shit about you, Charlie.
#836
⇓
You bought a business together;
#837
⇓
they made you a janitor.
#838
⇓
Eh, they didn't make me a janitor; there was a... Mm?
#839
⇓
Oh, my God.
#840
⇓
It's time to fire back.
#841
⇓
Aw, I gotta get over there.
#842
⇓
Hi, ma'am. Sorry to bug you again.
#843
⇓
Oh, my God.
#844
⇓
I'll just take a plate of spaghetti.
#845
⇓
Oh, great.
#846
⇓
Didn't expect that.
#847
⇓
Uh, actually, I was coming over to see if I could take your chair.
#848
⇓
What? No.
#849
⇓
What for?
#850
⇓
I'm trying to accommodate that gentleman over there.
#851
⇓
Oh, goddamn it.
#852
⇓
Uh, that's a dig.
#853
⇓
All right, fine.
#854
⇓
Take the chair, but I tell you what, when you're over there?
#855
⇓
Tie his shoelaces together.
#856
⇓
You want me to... tie a customer's shoelaces together?
#857
⇓
Uh... Look, I'm in the biz, guy.
#858
⇓
I'm a waitress, okay?
#859
⇓
Look, let's team up and stick it to that guy.
#860
⇓
It'll be hilarious.
#861
⇓
I would lose my job.
#862
⇓
Uh...
#863
⇓
"Oh, no, I-I would lose my job.
#864
⇓
And I wouldn't be able to work at Gugino's anymore, and my
#865
⇓
family, and they'd be so disappointed 'cause they're currently so proud of my
#866
⇓
accomplishments."
#867
⇓
I mean, God, lighten up, guy.
#868
⇓
I'm gonna take the chair.
#869
⇓
Fine, take the goddamn chair.
#870
⇓
Just don't make a big scene.
#871
⇓
How's the new chair?
#872
⇓
Oh, it's terrible, Mac.
#873
⇓
Thank you for asking.
#874
⇓
It might be worse than the first one.
#875
⇓
I mean, I cannot find a single flat spot in this entire restaurant.
#876
⇓
Maybe that's it. I'm just... Goddamn it!
#877
⇓
This entire night is ruined.
#878
⇓
Dude, stop it!
#879
⇓
Okay?
#880
⇓
You're the one who's ruining this.
#881
⇓
I am enjoying myself.
#882
⇓
I'm enjoying our table.
#883
⇓
I'm trying to start the conversations.
#884
⇓
I wore two colognes.
#885
⇓
Oh, I'm very aware of how much cologne you're wearing, Mac.
#886
⇓
It's overwhelming me.
#887
⇓
I mean, every time the goddamn kitchen door opens, it wafts into my face.
#888
⇓
Hey, I like the way I smell.
#889
⇓
And I like me.
#890
⇓
And I haven't even gotten to talk about what I wanted to talk
#891
⇓
about, which is an issue that has been weighing on me, so I'm
#892
⇓
just gonna say it, okay?
#893
⇓
When I wanted to get the karaoke machine for our apartment, you
#894
⇓
laughed in my face.
#895
⇓
That's what this is about?
#896
⇓
Yes.
#897
⇓
The karaoke machine?
#898
⇓
Mac, you can't sing.
#899
⇓
It's not about singing!
#900
⇓
Okay?
#901
⇓
It's about you always putting me down, and... you know what?
#902
⇓
I don't care; it doesn't matter.
#903
⇓
I'm out of here.
#904
⇓
Where you going?
#905
⇓
I'm gonna go sit with Frank and Charlie.
#906
⇓
Do not go to them.
#907
⇓
No, sit down, sit.
#908
⇓
Sit!
#909
⇓
Say something nice to me.
#910
⇓
What?
#911
⇓
I'm not going to sit down until you say something nice to
#912
⇓
me for once in your life.
#913
⇓
Your hair looks small.
#914
⇓
Oh, for... Okay, okay, okay, man.
#915
⇓
All right, sit down, sit down.
#916
⇓
Sit.
#917
⇓
Please sit down.
#918
⇓
Okay, listen, listen.
#919
⇓
You remember that night at Dooley's pool party?
#920
⇓
On that fine summer eve, when I did that double jackknife twist
#921
⇓
and blew everybody's tits off?
#922
⇓
You remember that?
#923
⇓
And then I went down on Chrissie Orlando on the trampoline later that night?
#924
⇓
You're just complimenting yourself.
#925
⇓
No, listen, I'm going somewhere with this.
#926
⇓
The only reason I was even able to attempt that amazing feat of
#927
⇓
courage was... because I knew if I failed, you would...
#928
⇓
Everybody.
#929
⇓
Hello!
#930
⇓
All the patrons of Gugino's, listen up.
#931
⇓
Hi, everybody.
#932
⇓
Frank Reynolds, Charlie Kelly.
#933
⇓
We would like to make a toast.
#934
⇓
Now, in front of you, you each see, you have a glass of sambuca?
#935
⇓
You see this white, beautiful drink?
#936
⇓
Yeah. Okay, everyone got it?
#937
⇓
Yeah.
#938
⇓
Dude, everybody has sambuca but us.
#939
⇓
Now we have an American hero tonight, so quick round of
#940
⇓
applause for our troop here.
#941
⇓
Nice-looking fellow.
#942
⇓
And to anyone who does not have a glass of sambuca... Look around now.
#943
⇓
You'll see them.
#944
⇓
Those people refuse to drink.
#945
⇓
Yeah. They don't know how to pay tribute.
#946
⇓
They hate America!
#947
⇓
They hate the troops.
#948
⇓
Mm.
#949
⇓
They hate the people who work hardest for them.
#950
⇓
They turn them into janitors.
#951
⇓
Mm, mm.
#952
⇓
It's not right. Aah!
#953
⇓
Damn 'em to hell.
#954
⇓
To the troops!
#955
⇓
To the troops.
#956
⇓
Cheers.
#957
⇓
To America!
#958
⇓
Good job, fellas.
#959
⇓
We did it.
#960
⇓
This is unbelievable, Mac.
#961
⇓
You know, and they totally ruined our heartfelt moment.
#962
⇓
Now, there's a way we can get it back... if you just kind of jump...
#963
⇓
No, you fool!
#964
⇓
That time has passed.
#965
⇓
Can't you see they're humiliating us?
#966
⇓
Just tell me what you were gonna tell me.
#967
⇓
I'm not gonna stand for this.
#968
⇓
I'm not.
#969
⇓
Just, Dennis... Come on, man!
#970
⇓
Goddamn it!
#971
⇓
Ma'am?
#972
⇓
Uh-huh.
#973
⇓
Please return to your table?
#974
⇓
Oh, you know what?
#975
⇓
I'm gonna sit next to the hero.
#976
⇓
I used to date a troop.
#977
⇓
He was crazy for jean shorts.
#978
⇓
Attention, uh, attention, everyone, please.
#979
⇓
If I could have your attention momentarily. Thank you.
#980
⇓
We do have an American hero in the house tonight.
#981
⇓
A strong man, a brave man.
#982
⇓
He's the kind of man who knows exactly who he is.
#983
⇓
He doesn't hide under a toupee.
#984
⇓
He faces his challenges, instead of just retreating to the
#985
⇓
sewers... nude to forage for rings and coins.
#986
⇓
Or to the toilets.
#987
⇓
Or to a life filled with rats.
#988
⇓
He's the kind of man who gives me the courage to do an amazing
#989
⇓
double jackknife twist, which I did.
#990
⇓
Most of you people wouldn't even attempt that.
#991
⇓
I did it.
#992
⇓
And to go down on Chrissy Orlando on the trampoline later,
#993
⇓
on the very same night, which I also did.
#994
⇓
And I licked her asshole a little bit.
#995
⇓
It was pretty good.
#996
⇓
It was all right.
#997
⇓
It wasn't great.
#998
⇓
But it was fine.
#999
⇓
And I knew that it was gonna be fine because this guy would be
#1000
⇓
here to catch me if I faltered.
#1001
⇓
Yeah. The world is a safer place when he's around.
#1002
⇓
* Did you ever know That you're my hero?
#1003
⇓
'Cause you are the wind Beneath my wings. *
#1004
⇓
Thank you.
#1005
⇓
Thanks.
#1006
⇓
Thank you.
#1007
⇓
Wow, dude.
#1008
⇓
I mean, that was so touching.
#1009
⇓
Oh.
#1010
⇓
That's an amazing thing you said about the troop.
#1011
⇓
Now, can we get back to the karaoke machine?
#1012
⇓
Because I... I was talking about you.
#1013
⇓
That was about me?
#1014
⇓
Yes. He wasn't there when I went down on Chrissy Orlando.
#1015
⇓
I did not get that at all.
#1016
⇓
I'm sor... Dennis, that's really sweet.
#1017
⇓
Thank you.
#1018
⇓
I'm sorry. What's happening?
#1019
⇓
Is it freezing in here all of a sudden?
#1020
⇓
Yeah, and it's... freezing.
#1021
⇓
Air is blowing directly on us. What...?
#1022
⇓
I mean, what is happening?
#1023
⇓
Those goddamn sons of bitches.
#1024
⇓
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