🎲 Surprise Me

Results (1403)

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And then… there goes your mom's village.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#193
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All right, so…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#194
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[chants] USA…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#195
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Now…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#196
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[scattered whooping]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#197
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Well, sure.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#198
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-[cheering] -Why not?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#199
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You know, I didn't puke, and I didn't shit, but…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#200
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when I was in Houston about a month ago, I sharted.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#201
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Here's what happened.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#202
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#203
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If you were gonna make a list of the best places to shart,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#204
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and I don't know why you would, but if you did,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#205
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number one is the bathroom.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#206
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And that's where I was.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#207
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I was in a public restroom, and I was at the urinal.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#208
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#209
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I was just enjoying a delightful afternoon pee, you know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#210
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Like a 90-second one, you know,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#211
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where your mind just kind of goes.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#212
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Stream of consciousness takes over.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#213
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You're just lost, and like,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#214
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"Are birds real, or are they honing devices? I don't know."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#215
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"Jesus, how big were Aretha Franklin's tits," you know?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#216
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You ever think about that? Everyone talks about Dolly Parton's tits.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#217
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Did you ever look at Aretha Franklin's tits?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#218
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It looked like she was nursing seal pups.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#219
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It's insane.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#220
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If she couldn't sing, she'd be serving lunch.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#221
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You know what I mean? Those are some tits.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#222
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So…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#223
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[chuckles quietly]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#224
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[crowd laughs]
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#225
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I'm pissing… and it's great.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#226
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My wife always gives me shit, by the way.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#227
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She's like, "You enjoy your bodily functions so much."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#228
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I'm like, "Just let me live my life."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#229
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I mean, I do like peeing. I like sneezing more.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#230
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If you don't enjoy an open-air, reckless, violent sneeze,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#231
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you're a fucking communist, okay?
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#232
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-[cheering] -It's the best.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#233
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Yeah, you know what I mean? No one's around, you go…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#234
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[loud babbling] One of those, and you're like, "What the fuck?"
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#235
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"Don't talk to me."
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#236
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I love it. Coming's the best, obviously.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#237
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I'm not gonna argue that point.
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#238
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So, I go, coming, sneezing, nice pee, emergency shit, um…
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#239
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I really like stretching in bed right after I wake up,
Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)
#240
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